All language subtitles for The.Conners.219

Friends. Family.

Ed.

Ante in.

I'm your dad's
half-brother.

That makes me family.
Dork.

Dork says what?

I'm not falling for that.

What?

[ Laughs ]

Damn it.

[ Laughs ]

Hold on.

There's some news
emanatin' from this region.

There are no changes
in my regions.

No, wait, wait.

Free Bird is onto
something here.

Eyebrows.
They're darker.

That's right.
[ Chuckles ]

Somebody's got
a big date tonight.

Do the drapes
match the curtains?

Dude, that's not even
a thing.

In the interest of ever
playing a hand of poker,

yes, I am seeing Louise tonight,

and the Men's Health magazine
at my barbershop

told me that
getting rid of the gray

takes years off
the top part of your face.

Yeah, that'll work.

As long as you hide
the bottom part with a...

[Southern accent] fan, like
an old-timey Southern belle.

I do declare,
you will never see my mouth.

I kindly ask that you do not
appropriate my culture.

So, big date, huh?

Is tonight the night
you're gonna butter the biscuit?

[ Sighs ]

Yes.
It is very likely

that tonight, Louise and I
will butter the biscuit.

And I don't want to hear
any more about it.

Understood.
Okay.

So, you nervous?

I am nervous as hell.

I was with the same woman
for 45 years,

and I never thought I'd be
unlucky enough to lose her.

And I never thought
I'd be lucky enough

to find someone else,

and I-I don't want to
blow it.

Well, then you better
think twice

about the Groucho eyebrows

and that CPAP mask
you wear every night.
[ Snorts ]

[ Normal voice ]
What's a CPAP mask?

It's a mask attached
by a hose to a pump

that forces air
down my throat

so I don't stop breathing
in the middle of the night.

So you look like Tom Cruise
in "Top Gun"

if he was an old man
who couldn't breathe on his own.

[ Laughter ]

Who else
has a date tonight?

[ Clears throat ]

But you guys helped me
make a decision.

I'm not bringing
the CPAP mask over.

Oh. You're rollin' the dice
there, Dan.

Not wearing the mask
could kill ya.

Oh, would you quit it?

He's not gonna die
from not wearing the mask.

He's gonna die
from the sex.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

"The Conners" is recorded

in front of
a live studio audience.

[ Cellphone rings ]

[ TV shuts off ]

Hey. I have been trying
to reach you.

Are you okay?

I'm going to jail.

I'm going to jail,
right?

Absolutely.

What did you do?
[ Sighs ]

Do I need to come
and bail ya out?

No, no. I don't want to
waste the money,

and honestly,
I could use the night off.

I refused to sign the ticket
for texting at a stoplight,

and apparently,
there are certain things

you can't say to a cop,
like "You work for me"

or "Maybe if you had
a salad once in a while,

you might've made fireman."

Okay. Well, I can spend
the night here with the kids.

[ Sighs ] Thank you.

Remember,
lights out at 11:00,

and make sure
all the stove burners

are in the off position

so the gas doesn't kill
everybody in their sleep.

So don't kill the children
or blow up the house.

Got it. Okay, have fun.
Make friends.

Is it okay if Harper
spends the night,

or do I have to wait
to ask Mom

when the police give her
her one phone call?

Ya heard that, huh?

Yeah.

We have a lot to do

to finish our Earth Day
science fair project.

Oh.

It's a solar
hot dog cooker.

[ Chuckles ]

It was Mark's idea.

My mom says
global warming is a hoax

because it gets cold
at night.

She's an idiot.

And I figured
since hot dogs

are our family's
main source of food...
[ Chuckles ]

...and we regularly have
the power turned off,

this would be
worth learning.

[ Laughs ]

Okay, well, I-I think

I can make this decision
without your mom.

Harper can stay over,
but where's she gonna sleep?

Uh, my room.

She can use Harris' bed
since she's at Odessa's tonight,

and we probably
won't even sleep anyway,

we have so much work
to do.

Huh. Okay.

Uh, but you need to
call your mom

and make sure
it's okay with her.

I already did.
She said it's fine.

Oh.
[ Slaps thigh ]

[ Clears throat ]

Uh, hey.

You're still gay,
right?

Yep.
All day, every day.

Good for you.
You stay the course.

♪♪

[ Gasping ]

[ Clattering ]

W-Where are you going?

You're -- You're not
going home, are you?

Look, I-I really was
gonna go home.

Uh...

If the kids are up
and I'm not there,

they're gonna ask
a million questions.

Hey.

You're the one who wanted
a committed relationship.

Not running away
is a part of that,

so come on,
get back in bed.

[ Exhales sharply ]

I wanted a relationship

before I knew how bossy
you were gonna be.

[ Clicks tongue ]
Oh.

[ Grunts ]

[ Fan whirring ]

[ Snorts ]

What are you doing?

[ Voice warbling ]
Hunting wabbits.

Be vewy quiet.

Oh.
[ Laughs ]

I think sex
scrambled your brain.

You're acting
really weird.

We can talk
in the morning.

I hope so.

♪♪

Hey!

Welcome back
to society.

Things have changed
since they put you away.

This is a phone.

You can send words through
the air to other phones.

Yeah, and when you went in,
there was only one "NCIS,"

and now there's one in
every city in the land.

Uh, Harris, can you leave
for a moment?

Ben and I need to talk.

[ Chuckling ] Oh.
Oh, I'm not Harris.

I'm Harris' daughter.

Are you Nana Darlene?

Hilarious. Get out.
I need to talk to Ben.

I do not like
what prison has done to you.

Okay, I still
don't understand.

Why would you let Harper
sleep in Mark's room?

Do you know
how embarrassing it was

to get a message
from her mother

saying her daughter
came home with a hickey?

Hey.

I asked Mark right
before he went upstairs,

"Are you still gay?"

And he said yes.

It doesn't matter
if he's gay.

Kids at that age
are experimenting.

Well, hey,
in my defense,

I took away
their caffeinated soda.

Well, apparently,
Mark was still thirsty,

because he was trying
to get liquid from her neck.

It's just a hickey!

Oh, how do you know?

We have no idea what they did
until we talk to Mark.

Well, maybe we should
wait to talk to Mark, then,

before you jump
all over my ass.

Oh, fine.
Fine.

[ Sighs ]

How long 'til Mark
gets home from school?

About five hours.

That is...a long time.

♪♪

Sorry I'm late.

Beverly Rose
wouldn't let me go

when I went to drop her off
at the tías'.

I'm not used to
being this adored.

It's exhausting!

Yeah, you went through
a phase

where I couldn't
put you down.

I'd just rub a little
whiskey on your gums.

After some dancing
around in your diaper,

you'd keel right over.

Hey, that's another piece
of my alcoholic puzzle.

Man, the tías are still
on me to marry Emilio

to help him get
back into the country.

Tell me you're not
actually considering this.

I don't know.

He's Beverly Rose's dad,
and he deserves to see her.

The only problem is,

to make it look like
a real marriage,

I'd have to live with him
for a least a couple years.

That's gonna make it awkward
to bring home dates.

She's right.

Most guys don't even like it
when you have a cat.

What are you doing?

You'd be committing
a federal crime

for a guy
you don't even love.

[ Sighs ]
I don't love him.

But the tías said

lots of people grow to love
the person after they marry.

Well, they don't really
have a dog in this fight,

so I guess they're being
totally objective.

Heeey.

You grew to love
Adam Sandler.

When everybody said
after "Billy Madison"

that he was a waste of time,
you hung in there.

And then "Happy Gilmore"
turned you around,

and then "The Waterboy."

Now you gotta watch that
every time it comes on.

Okay, okay, okay.

Let's just say
Emilio does turn out

to be as great
as Mr. Adam Sandler.

When you say live with him,
where exactly would that be?

I'm asking for my friend --

my friend Dan Conner.

Please?

Mm.

What is going on
with you, huh?

I mean, the coffee
isn't even that good.

I ran out of filters
this morning.

I had to use
an old T-shirt.

Oh. No? Okay.

I was up all night.

I stayed at Louise's,
and I didn't want her

to see me in my CPAP,

so I had to stay awake
or die.

Look, she's already
heard you

trying to get out
of a chair,

and she still wants to
be with you.

Trust her a little bit.

She likes you because
you're funny and you're solid

and you have the --
the -- the wisdom

that comes with
experience.

Why don't you try
using some of that?

Look, I just think
when she rolls over

and sees me in that rig,

it's gonna be like
waking up next to her dad.

Eh.

Some women like that, Dan.

Oh, love
the turtleneck.

How's that sculpting class
you're teaching

at the community college
going?

I was looking at myself
in the mirror last night,

and I was put off
by my unusually long neck.

Fine.

Oh, God!

You got one, too?!

We had a deal.
You were gay!

It's not what you think.

Harper has a new boyfriend
and wanted to practice kissing.

The next thing I knew,

she went all "Twilight"
on my neck,

even though she knows
I'm Team Jacob.

And then she asked me
to give her one.

Well, did anything
else happen?

No!

Okay. Go upstairs.

Oh, and when your
Aunt Becky gets home,

have her teach you
how to cover that thing up.

By the time she was 15,
she was more hickey than Becky.

See?

It's just
a practice hickey.

No harm, no foul.

Hmm? I think I deserve
an apology.

I don't owe you
an apology at all.

Something much worse
could've happened.

But it didn't, so why
are you still pissed off?

You know what?
I would just prefer

if you'd run any parenting
decisions by me from now on.

I can usually be reached
when I'm not behind bars.

Uh, you know, we've been
together for a while now,

and at some point,
you are gonna have to trust me

to make some decisions
about the kids.

Ben, the kids love
and respect you,

which proves that you know
nothing about parenting.

Have you ever
even told the kids

that they should
listen to me?

Well, I never thought about it,
because you're not their dad.

Yeah, I know that,
okay?

Thank you for defining
what I am not.

How about defining
what I am?

And why stop with the kids?
What am I to you?

W-What are you
talking about?

I mean, we're trying
to have a baby,

but [Stammering] you don't
want to get married,

we don't even
live together.

I don't know
what this is.

Wait, hang on.
Hang on.

[ Sighs ]

Calm down.

Is this something
sex would take care of?

No!

♪♪

You've been washing
that dish

for about three minutes.

The Holiday Inn logo's
starting to come off.

What's going on?

Um...

Can I ask you
something?

Yeah, sure.

You raised your kids alone.
You know how hard it is.

Is it nuts for me
to marry Emilio

so he can come here
and help me with the baby?

Oh, Ben has been
on my ass lately

to be more involved
with my kids.

He loves your baby.
Put him to work.

Maybe he'll stop
driving me crazy.

Me!

We're fixing me,
you narcissist!

If I marry him, I have
to live with him for two years

and give up any chance

of meeting someone
I might really love.

Oh.
I wouldn't do that.

Don't miss your chance
to meet the right person.

It could happen at any time.
I mean, look.

I didn't think I could
fall in love again, and I did.

I just got
all the stuff I left here

from the cardboard box you said
was "better than a drawer."

I'm outta here.

What's your secret?
How do I get what you have?

I don't get it.

Why are you
pushing him away?

[ Clears throat ]

Ben, don't go.

[ Sighs ]
I need a break.

I'm just -- I'm tired

of being in this
weird, amorphous,

undefined,
mid-life relationship.

I think you just defined it
really beautifully.

Look, if we're not
moving forward,

then we're just
wasting our time.

So give me
one good reason

why you don't want to
live with me.

No. [ Scoffs ]

I don't not
want to live with you.

What?

Look, this is just
really hard for me.

I do want to
live with you.

I guess I'm scared.

You know, the last time
my life fell apart,

I came back here.

And now I feel safe,

and you want me to go
back out there again.

[ Scoffs ] What,
don't you feel safe with me?

Yeah.

But I'm screwed up,

you know, and...

It's just -- I feel like
if it doesn't work out,

it might be
because of me.

You know,
I can't fail again.

Wait.

I know you're screwed up,

and I still want to
live with ya.

That makes me
more screwed up than you.

So...

If it fails,
it'll be my fault.

This shouldn't make me
feel better, but it does.

That's because
you're screwed up!

Okay.

That's it.
I'm taking the leap.

We should live together.

[ Sighs ]
I don't know.

This is all just...
so sudden.

It's gonna take me
a while to pack.

Oh, look!
I'm all ready to go.

♪♪

Hi.

Hey.

Wow.

I didn't take you
as a toys kind of guy.

[ Chuckles ]

Uh, I've done
some crazy things,

but, uh, I don't need that much
horsepower to make me happy.

It's a CPAP machine.
I have sleep apnea.

That's why I was
trying to leave last night.

Oh, I know
what you're thinking.

You can easily
make one of these

with a magazine and a fan,

but you really can't.

Why didn't you just
bring it over last night?

Because I didn't want you
looking at me

like I was somebody waiting
to get their organs harvested.

Dan, you're being
ridiculous.

No, I'm not.

You're perfect.

And I got all kinds of
stuff wrong with me.

Well, I'm a little upset

that you didn't
trust me enough

to tell me about
your sleep machine sooner.

If you're gonna
keep things from me,

then we're building our
new relationship on lies.

I got to tell ya,

I feel like
you're catfishing me.

Just because
I'm perfect...

...doesn't mean
that you should be insecure

about your stuff.

I know you're trying
to prove a point,

but I gotta tell ya,
you're still hot.

I'm not near done.

[ Muffled ]
Still sexy now, sailor?

[ Muffled ]
Still hot in my book.

[ Laughs ]

Look, we should not be
ashamed of getting older.

We've earned the right
to fall apart.

And the nice thing is,
we can do it together.

Yeah, funny thing is...

until I look at myself
in the mirror,

I don't feel old.

Hmm. Me neither.

And you -- you have
the eyebrows

of a 30-year-old man.

I toned it down,
but you still noticed.

I'm told
it makes my eyes pop.

Aww. They do.

[ Laughs ]

♪♪

[ Whistling ]

It's about time
you got here.

We gotta go to work.

Well, well, well.

Look who's rollin' in
first thing in the morning

wearing the same clothes
he was wearing yesterday.

And the same clothes
I was wearing the day before.

We know what the walk of shame
looks like, Dad.

You got your panties
balled up

in your purse here,
don't you?

I bet you got your bra on
inside out.

I just wanted
to be part of it.

Uh, you're gonna tell me
about last night, right?

[ Chuckles ]

What's wrong?

It's from the bank.

They're foreclosing
on the house.

[ Clears throat ]

Y-- You're joking,
right?

[ Sighs ] You know how slow
business has been.

I have medical bills,

I need a new transmission
for the truck,

so I had to take out
a second mortgage.

I-I just can't keep up.

[ Sighs ]

Damn.

I'm sorry, man.

If they think
they're gonna take my house,

they got another
think coming.

What are you gonna do?

[ Inhales deeply ]

I don't know.

But I should start
by getting me a rifle.

We got the rev'nooers
a-comin'.

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

Hey there,
Count Suckula.

Uh, okay, so, your mom
and I have been talking

about my role
with you kids,

and, uh, since you're
almost a teenager,

she asked me to
talk to you about, um...

well, the intimate things
that, uh...

happen between two people
who love each other.

[ Clears throat ]
So here goes.

You've been to
the zoo, right?

Sometimes, uh,
when you look in the cage...

[ Laughs ]

You can stop.

My mom and I
already had this talk.

She just wanted me
to see

how uncomfortable
I could make you.

Mm-hmm.

[ Strained chuckling ]

You did a good job.

[ Groans ]

You really had me
sweating there. [ Chuckles ]

Thanks.

So, how are you gonna
get back at her?
[ Sighs ]

Oh, no, no.

That's not the way things work
in a mature relationship.

And I'll let you know
when I think of something good.