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1
00:00:02,200 --> 00:00:06,060
# Stick a pony in me pocket
2
00:00:06,060 --> 00:00:10,060
# I'll fetch the suitcase
from the van
3
00:00:10,060 --> 00:00:14,040
# Cos if you want the best 'uns
but you don't ask questions
4
00:00:14,040 --> 00:00:18,040
# Then, brother, I'm your man!
5
00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:21,260
# Where it comes from is a mystery
6
00:00:21,260 --> 00:00:25,220
# Like the changing of the seasons
and the tides of the sea
7
00:00:25,220 --> 00:00:28,760
# Here's the one
that's driving ME berserk
8
00:00:28,760 --> 00:00:32,760
# Why do only fools and horses work?
9
00:00:32,760 --> 00:00:35,760
# Oh, la la...la-li-la-la-la... #
10
00:00:38,200 --> 00:00:43,440
TELEVISION IS ON LOW
11
00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:48,420
'Ave you got any idea
how much money we made recently?
12
00:00:48,420 --> 00:00:51,200
Loadsa bunce, Rodders! Loads!
13
00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:55,240
We have made nearly £2,000
in the last month!
14
00:00:55,240 --> 00:00:59,880
Am I a genius
or am I just a miracle worker?!
15
00:00:59,880 --> 00:01:04,960
We sold over 400 ladies' electric
razors! I told you!
16
00:01:04,960 --> 00:01:09,100
You wouldn't think
there was that much hair about!
17
00:01:09,100 --> 00:01:13,780
'Ere, you chuck all those receipts
down the chute.
18
00:01:13,780 --> 00:01:16,740
What's that dirty-looking thing?
19
00:01:17,740 --> 00:01:20,780
That is your uncle, Rodney!
20
00:01:20,780 --> 00:01:23,520
Please show a bit more respect!
21
00:01:24,420 --> 00:01:27,220
Have a drink. We're celebrating.
22
00:01:27,220 --> 00:01:34,160
That's OK, Del.
This is from my old days, Rodney,
when I used to sail the seven seas.
23
00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:37,000
What is it - treasure(?)
24
00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:43,980
Just letters and photos
from me days in the navy.
Nothing much - just me memories.
25
00:01:43,980 --> 00:01:48,800
Rodney's chucking stuff out.
He'll get rid of it for you.
26
00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:52,980
It's me life's history!
And you're keeping it?!
27
00:01:52,980 --> 00:01:56,940
Is that you?! ..Yeah!
28
00:01:58,760 --> 00:02:03,320
That's when I first joined the navy.
17, I was.
29
00:02:03,320 --> 00:02:06,040
Cor, you ain't changed, Unc!
30
00:02:07,440 --> 00:02:10,360
He 'ad a big white beard then?!
31
00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:12,900
No - he's wearing the same clothes!
32
00:02:12,900 --> 00:02:16,620
What's up with you two daft sods?
33
00:02:16,620 --> 00:02:19,640
We're celebrating a blindin' month!
34
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:26,120
What IS all this?
"1941. My birthday party
on board HMS Peerless."
35
00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:29,360
They look a right bunch
of toe-rags!
36
00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:34,400
That's me and some of my mates
when we were in the South China Sea.
37
00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:38,440
Brave lads, Del -
like steely-eyed young lions!
38
00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:42,740
YOU look like Clarence,
the cross-eyed lion!
39
00:02:42,740 --> 00:02:45,700
I'd just been out to a nightclub!
40
00:02:45,700 --> 00:02:50,240
Who's this geezer in the G-string
and the ruby?
41
00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:54,740
That's one of the dancing girls
from the nightclub!
42
00:02:54,740 --> 00:03:00,200
I sneaked her back to show her round
HMS Peerless! You dirty old goat!
43
00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:07,560
The Captain used to call it
"A submarine hunter", but she was
nothing more than an old tug!
44
00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:14,020
She looks a rough and ready girl.
HMS Peerless! Oh, sorry!
45
00:03:14,020 --> 00:03:18,240
A few hours after that was taken
we was in action.
46
00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:21,460
I'm surprised
it took you THAT long!
47
00:03:21,460 --> 00:03:27,840
Japanese sub was spotted in
the area. That's ALL you need, eh?
48
00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:34,800
An American aircraft-carrier was
lying off-shore. Eh...eh...
USS...Pittsburg!
49
00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:37,420
It was our job to protect her.
50
00:03:37,420 --> 00:03:43,680
Well, we hadn't been sailing an hour
when we crashed right into her!
What a noise!
51
00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:49,460
You whacked into the boat you were
going out to protect?! Yeah.
52
00:03:49,460 --> 00:03:56,000
It's a good job she was there,
actually. She picked up
most of the survivors!
53
00:03:57,160 --> 00:04:00,280
Was your ship
badly damaged?
54
00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:03,540
Couldn't tell, Rodney. It sunk!
55
00:04:03,540 --> 00:04:07,120
'Course, they tried to blame me!
56
00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:14,340
Well, sounds fair!
Just cos I was on watch!
I 'ad me excuses ready.
57
00:04:14,340 --> 00:04:16,500
What, you were drunk(?)
58
00:04:16,500 --> 00:04:22,920
No!
The American vessel was at battle
stations and showing no lights.
59
00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:27,920
So then they tried to get me
on naval technicalities, like, eh...
60
00:04:27,920 --> 00:04:30,920
eh... It was in broad daylight!
61
00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:41,880
You didn't SEE
an aircraft-carrier?!
62
00:04:43,340 --> 00:04:47,480
Forty-two THOUSAND tons of steel?!
63
00:04:47,480 --> 00:04:50,740
In broad daylight?!
64
00:04:50,740 --> 00:04:57,240
I wasn't close enough! You must
have been reasonably close -
you hit it!
65
00:04:57,240 --> 00:05:01,760
They'd be better with Ray Charles
in the crow's-nest!
66
00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:06,860
I wasn't up on deck! I was in
the radar room, watching the screen!
67
00:05:06,860 --> 00:05:11,780
I couldn't make head nor tail of it!
It was all blibs and blobs!
68
00:05:11,780 --> 00:05:14,960
The Jap sub shot away a bit lively.
69
00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:20,140
I suppose it didn't feel needed
with YOU around!
70
00:05:20,140 --> 00:05:23,040
Did you get into trouble for it?
71
00:05:23,040 --> 00:05:27,660
Court-martial.
The papers were sent to Singapore.
72
00:05:27,660 --> 00:05:30,860
You were court-martialled?! No.
73
00:05:30,860 --> 00:05:37,580
Before my trial,
the Japanese invaded
and I never heard another word!
74
00:05:37,580 --> 00:05:42,480
And the blokes in my lifeboat
used to say I was unlucky!
75
00:05:42,480 --> 00:05:47,000
ALBERT GOES OUT, CHUCKLING LOUDLY
76
00:05:48,580 --> 00:05:53,780
That was a bit strong, wasn't it -
trying to court-martial him?
77
00:05:53,780 --> 00:05:56,980
He ruined an aircraft-carrier!
78
00:05:56,980 --> 00:05:59,800
Yeah, but it was his birthday!
79
00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:03,440
Yeah, I forgot(!)
..But not for long.
80
00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:09,960
This picture was taken in 1941
on his birthday, right?
You seen the date?
81
00:06:11,480 --> 00:06:14,360
That's in a couple of weeks. Yeah.
82
00:06:14,360 --> 00:06:20,780
Maybe the ancient mariner
was letting us know
so we'll arrange a birthday treat!
83
00:06:20,780 --> 00:06:25,320
Wash your mouth out
with soap and water, Rodney!
84
00:06:25,320 --> 00:06:28,880
Uncle Albert is not
a crafty person!
85
00:06:28,880 --> 00:06:32,500
He's as cunning
as a lighthouse rat!
86
00:06:32,500 --> 00:06:37,060
Fly old git! So he wants a surprise
for his birthday, eh?
87
00:06:37,060 --> 00:06:39,660
Why, what you gonna do?
88
00:06:39,660 --> 00:06:44,620
I dunno yet, but I'll think
of something to pull him up sharp!
89
00:06:44,620 --> 00:06:48,420
Oy...we could give him
one of them electric razors! Yeah!
90
00:06:52,162 --> 00:06:56,722
ALBERT, VERY OFF-KEY:
# ..Way out on the sea-ea-ea-ea
91
00:06:56,722 --> 00:07:00,442
# Oh, carry my loved o-o-o-o-one
92
00:07:00,442 --> 00:07:05,602
# Safely to me-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e! #
93
00:07:07,702 --> 00:07:11,222
ONLY BOYCIE CLAPS - SLOWLY
94
00:07:17,182 --> 00:07:19,822
Why does 'e keep doing it?
95
00:07:19,822 --> 00:07:25,462
Gawd knows! I suppose someone once
told him he could play the piano!
96
00:07:25,462 --> 00:07:30,402
Yeah...but I'd like to meet the git
who told him he could sing!
97
00:07:30,402 --> 00:07:34,482
He's a Trotter!
What more can you say about him?!
98
00:07:34,482 --> 00:07:41,002
A while ago I went down the library
and read some ancient manuscripts
about Peckham.
99
00:07:41,002 --> 00:07:46,362
Did you know 500 years ago
this was a green and peaceful area?
100
00:07:46,362 --> 00:07:52,842
The Earl of Peckham had a castle
where the Kwik-Fit exhaust centre
now stands.
101
00:07:52,842 --> 00:07:58,402
Flaxen-haired maidens used to dance
round the maypole of an evening.
102
00:07:58,402 --> 00:08:05,462
And then, one fateful medieval day,
the Trotter clan arrived
in a stolen Zephyr!
103
00:08:05,462 --> 00:08:11,622
Before you knew it,
the flaxen-haired maidens
were up the spout
104
00:08:11,622 --> 00:08:14,242
and someone nicked the maypole!
105
00:08:14,242 --> 00:08:19,882
About a hundred years after that,
the Black Death arrived in England.
106
00:08:19,882 --> 00:08:24,442
The people of Peckham thought
their luck had changed!
107
00:08:24,442 --> 00:08:27,802
'Ere, look at this! Oh, my Gawd!
108
00:08:27,802 --> 00:08:30,882
Hi, Mike. All right, Boycie?
109
00:08:30,882 --> 00:08:36,802
We-ell, I WAS! There you go, Trig.
There's a scotch, mate.
110
00:08:36,802 --> 00:08:42,022
- How d'you know I wanted one?
- If I was wearing that, I would!
111
00:08:43,522 --> 00:08:51,062
Uh...is this something
to do with a new religion?
I'm taking a lady out to lunch.
112
00:08:51,062 --> 00:08:54,122
You sure?! You sure?!
113
00:08:54,122 --> 00:08:59,082
Positive. We're going to that
little Eyetalian place opposite.
114
00:08:59,082 --> 00:09:02,282
I thought I'd try
and make an impression.
115
00:09:02,282 --> 00:09:07,162
You'll CERTAINLY do that, Trig!
Thanks, Boyce!
116
00:09:07,162 --> 00:09:10,962
EXCHANGE OF GREETINGS
117
00:09:10,962 --> 00:09:18,382
'Morning, Michael! Same again
for Boycie, a non-alcoholic
lager top for Rodney, and, eh...
118
00:09:18,382 --> 00:09:20,922
a Malibu and cherryade for moi!
119
00:09:22,002 --> 00:09:25,262
Is it Comic Relief Day again?
120
00:09:25,262 --> 00:09:30,702
You know, it only seems...
Del! It ain't Comic Relief Day.
121
00:09:30,702 --> 00:09:35,922
I've got a date. Watch the stones.
Del got one stuck...
122
00:09:35,922 --> 00:09:40,782
No, Dave. I mean...
I've got a lunch date with a lady.
123
00:09:40,782 --> 00:09:43,562
You sure?! You sure?!
124
00:09:43,562 --> 00:09:48,442
Yeah. I'm meeting her soon.
I popped in for some Dutch courage.
125
00:09:48,442 --> 00:09:54,922
Who is it?
You don't know her... Come to that,
I don't know her either!
126
00:09:54,922 --> 00:10:00,202
- How d'you mean, Trig?
- These people arranged it for me.
127
00:10:00,202 --> 00:10:05,242
"The Technomatch Friendship...
and Matrimonial Agency"!
128
00:10:05,242 --> 00:10:09,162
You 'aven't joined
a computer dating firm?!
129
00:10:09,162 --> 00:10:14,362
Yeah, there's one in the High Street
so I thought I'd try 25 quidsworth.
130
00:10:14,362 --> 00:10:19,442
So what's she look like?
I dunno. They don't use pictures.
131
00:10:19,442 --> 00:10:22,542
Bit risky, eh? That's HER problem.
132
00:10:23,782 --> 00:10:27,462
They fed my information
into a computer
133
00:10:27,462 --> 00:10:31,962
and it came out with a woman
who was compatible with me.
134
00:10:34,982 --> 00:10:40,162
That's what I like about this
agency - they insist on honesty.
135
00:10:40,162 --> 00:10:46,642
So you told 'em
you're a road sweeper?
No. I said I was a bus inspector.
136
00:10:46,642 --> 00:10:50,022
Why? To add a bit of glamour!
137
00:10:50,022 --> 00:10:53,362
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Good idea.
138
00:10:53,362 --> 00:10:56,102
Right then - 'ere goes.
139
00:10:57,942 --> 00:11:00,562
I'll see you later.
140
00:11:12,942 --> 00:11:18,062
Rather him than me! He's walking
straight into the unknown!
141
00:11:18,062 --> 00:11:22,722
It's a bit like that TV programme,
innit? Yeah.
142
00:11:22,722 --> 00:11:28,662
Yeah, Blind Date. Oh! I thought
you meant That's My Dog!
143
00:11:30,762 --> 00:11:34,862
Marlene and Duke watch that,
you know...
144
00:11:34,862 --> 00:11:38,882
The dog gets more questions right
than her!
145
00:11:38,882 --> 00:11:46,742
Can I 'ave a word about Albert?
Now, there's a coincidence. I wanted
to have a word about him as well!
146
00:11:46,742 --> 00:11:49,482
Is he still singing of an evening?
147
00:11:49,482 --> 00:11:55,302
No, no, no, no - he's doing matinees
now, Del. My pie sales have fallen!
148
00:11:55,302 --> 00:12:03,302
OK, I'll talk to him. Listen, it's
Albert's birthday soon and I want
to throw a party for him. In here?
149
00:12:03,302 --> 00:12:09,122
Some drinks, some grub... No, no...
I'll stick 150 across the counter.
150
00:12:09,122 --> 00:12:16,882
OK, Del,
you can have it on ONE condition -
he doesn't sing. Fair enough, Mike.
151
00:12:16,882 --> 00:12:19,622
He doesn't swear in front of ladies.
152
00:12:19,622 --> 00:12:23,642
Righto, Mike. And he doesn't dance.
Gotcha, Mike.
153
00:12:23,642 --> 00:12:28,322
He tells no rude jokes.
..Goes without saying, Michael.
154
00:12:28,322 --> 00:12:32,622
And he don't drink too much.
Perish the thought!
155
00:12:32,622 --> 00:12:37,442
He just sits down quietly,
soberly and enjoys himself.
156
00:12:39,522 --> 00:12:44,842
He's gonna really look forward
to this, Mike(!) Thanks a lot(!)
157
00:12:44,842 --> 00:12:50,842
'E's got more rules than the Common
Market! He's ruining this pub!
158
00:12:50,842 --> 00:12:57,262
I wouldn't know.
I spend most of my free time
these days down at the lodge.
159
00:12:57,262 --> 00:13:02,302
Of course, the lodge(!) What is it
you've become - a buffalo?
160
00:13:04,282 --> 00:13:12,302
I am NOT a buffalo! I am
a pukka mason - secret handshakes,
initiation ceremonies, the works!
161
00:13:12,302 --> 00:13:15,622
Why d'you join
that bunch of dipsticks?
162
00:13:15,622 --> 00:13:20,802
It is a great honour to be chosen,
Derek! It's changed my life!
163
00:13:20,802 --> 00:13:24,902
I'm involved in
a lot of charity work these days,
164
00:13:24,902 --> 00:13:28,822
helping the local needy
and underprivileged.
165
00:13:28,822 --> 00:13:32,142
It has a good side too, of course.
166
00:13:32,142 --> 00:13:37,602
Us masons vow to help each other
in business whenever possible!
167
00:13:37,602 --> 00:13:43,302
Sounds like a load of old snobs!
We're not snobs! Anyone can join!
168
00:13:43,302 --> 00:13:48,462
We come from all walks of life!
We've got estate agents, a judge,
169
00:13:48,462 --> 00:13:53,722
a commissioner of police,
the mayor... We've got all sorts!
170
00:13:53,722 --> 00:13:56,782
Yeah, so has Bertie Bassett!
171
00:13:57,802 --> 00:14:00,882
That is NOT all walks of life!
172
00:14:00,882 --> 00:14:03,682
OK, eh...we got...a TV director!
173
00:14:03,682 --> 00:14:09,162
Does he film the secret handshakes
in case you wallies forget(?)
174
00:14:09,922 --> 00:14:14,982
Rodney... Listen, I'm gonna have
a chat with Micky and Jevon.
175
00:14:14,982 --> 00:14:18,722
Yeah, OK.
I'll pop down the betting shop.
176
00:14:18,722 --> 00:14:26,542
What is the matter with that boy?!
He's all social conscience!
Well, 'e's one of life's carers.
177
00:14:26,542 --> 00:14:29,782
Reminds me a bit of my mum. Yeah.
178
00:14:31,662 --> 00:14:36,422
Standing in the corner of a pub
with two geezers!
179
00:14:48,482 --> 00:14:53,782
I don't BELIEVE it...!
That's a WOMAN!
180
00:15:11,062 --> 00:15:13,582
Wotcher, Nerys!
181
00:15:13,582 --> 00:15:16,582
..Oh! You made me jump!
182
00:15:16,582 --> 00:15:22,722
It's only me... Em...can I get you
a drink? No, I've got one. Oh...
183
00:15:22,722 --> 00:15:30,182
Em... I was wondering,
maybe you'd quite like to come out
sometime during the week?
184
00:15:30,182 --> 00:15:33,582
Where? ..I dunno. Anywhere.
185
00:15:33,582 --> 00:15:36,582
Who with?
186
00:15:37,582 --> 00:15:40,142
Well...me.
187
00:15:40,142 --> 00:15:45,482
OK, then. It'll have to be during
the day, cos I work most evenings.
188
00:15:45,482 --> 00:15:48,102
I'll see if I can get a day off.
189
00:15:48,102 --> 00:15:53,642
You said you ran the business!
..Well, yeah... Yeah, I do.
190
00:15:53,642 --> 00:15:57,422
But I don't like
leaving Del in charge.
191
00:15:57,422 --> 00:16:00,162
Well...I'll 'phone you on it, then.
192
00:16:00,162 --> 00:16:04,882
Yeah...all right, then.
See you in the week. Yeah.
193
00:16:04,882 --> 00:16:10,262
Go on, then...
Go ON!
All right!
194
00:16:11,322 --> 00:16:15,602
Rodney... Eh?
How'd you get on with Nerys?
195
00:16:15,602 --> 00:16:19,042
OK. Bet you didn't get a date!
196
00:16:19,042 --> 00:16:23,622
Save your money, Jevon,
I'm taking her out next week!
197
00:16:23,622 --> 00:16:28,642
How'd you manage that?! I've been
trying to date her for ages,
198
00:16:28,642 --> 00:16:32,082
and bear in mind
who's talking 'ere!
199
00:16:33,382 --> 00:16:38,282
Rodney 'as got something
you haven't got, Jevon - machismo!
200
00:16:38,282 --> 00:16:42,502
I've told you before,
Nerys goes for macho men!
201
00:16:43,702 --> 00:16:50,682
I know Rodney,
and 'e can be a right 'ard nut
when he wants to be!
202
00:16:50,682 --> 00:16:52,962
We-ell...
203
00:16:52,962 --> 00:16:59,162
- Muscle and sweat Nerys goes for!
- He's no Master of the Universe!
204
00:16:59,162 --> 00:17:02,242
He has an aura of inner strength!
205
00:17:02,242 --> 00:17:09,382
I'm wiry, see.
Nerys likes guys who live
their lives at 100 miles an hour!
206
00:17:09,382 --> 00:17:13,002
And when she's hot,
she is HOT!
207
00:17:13,002 --> 00:17:16,782
It would take Red Adair
to put her out!
208
00:17:16,782 --> 00:17:19,822
I treat chicks considerately.
209
00:17:19,822 --> 00:17:24,902
Nerys prefers a bunch of fives
to a bunch of flowers!
210
00:17:26,842 --> 00:17:33,322
If my main man here
plays his cards right...!
See you, big guy! Hey!
211
00:17:33,322 --> 00:17:36,842
Take care! Yeah!
Yeah!
212
00:17:40,682 --> 00:17:45,522
THEY LAUGH
What's happening?
213
00:17:45,522 --> 00:17:50,582
Rodney's got a date.
We convinced him
she likes macho-men.
214
00:17:50,582 --> 00:17:56,622
Who's the bird?
Nerys.
What...Nervous Nerys?!
215
00:17:56,622 --> 00:18:00,322
Yes!
Like it!
216
00:18:08,482 --> 00:18:13,642
So...can you tell me, what kind
of person are you looking for?
217
00:18:17,062 --> 00:18:22,582
Well, bird. Yes, but are there
any particular requirements?
218
00:18:22,582 --> 00:18:25,782
A local bird. I don't like driving.
219
00:18:25,782 --> 00:18:29,002
So, eh...no special TYPE of person?
220
00:18:29,002 --> 00:18:34,482
Well, she's gotta be
a bit of a sort! A bit of a SORT?!
221
00:18:34,482 --> 00:18:38,602
Yeah, you know...
Everything in the right place.
222
00:18:38,602 --> 00:18:42,682
And she must be a bit refined.
Must she!
223
00:18:42,682 --> 00:18:49,762
I don't want some old bow-wow
who can't tell Liebfraumilk
from Tizer! Quite!
224
00:18:49,762 --> 00:18:55,462
Cos I'm a bit of a culture vulture
myself. Ah, a man of the arts.
225
00:18:55,462 --> 00:18:57,742
Yeah, you can't whack it.
226
00:18:57,742 --> 00:19:03,702
AND tell the lucky lady
she is guaranteed
a steak meal. A steak meal?
227
00:19:04,782 --> 00:19:09,202
Guaranteed! D'you wanna put that
on your floppy disc?
228
00:19:10,222 --> 00:19:12,842
Yes, eh...I'll make a note.
229
00:19:12,842 --> 00:19:16,402
A steak...meal.
230
00:19:17,722 --> 00:19:22,402
Now...please don't feel pressurised
by this next question.
231
00:19:22,402 --> 00:19:29,362
It's simply asked
to protect our clients.
Fire away, I got nothing to hide.
232
00:19:29,362 --> 00:19:33,262
What do you seek
from an introduction? Friendship?
233
00:19:36,502 --> 00:19:39,382
Yeah, yeah, friendship. That'll do.
234
00:19:39,382 --> 00:19:45,142
I mean, do you see this leading
to a more PERMANENT relationship?
235
00:19:45,142 --> 00:19:50,162
Slow down, John! You haven't even
sorted me one out yet! No, no, no!
236
00:19:50,162 --> 00:19:53,002
Friendship'll do for a start!
237
00:19:53,002 --> 00:19:57,782
Of course. Let's see what surprises
the computer has for you.
238
00:19:57,782 --> 00:20:00,782
I'll just feed your information in.
239
00:20:02,542 --> 00:20:10,082
A-ah, now there's a lady here
who may suit. Obviously refined -
she's on an arts fund committee.
240
00:20:10,082 --> 00:20:15,002
Thirty-eight years old.
Knocking on a bit, ain't she?
241
00:20:15,002 --> 00:20:20,442
Yes, she's widowed... And
her late husband was a stockbroker.
242
00:20:22,422 --> 00:20:26,222
No, I-I don't think
you're suited.
243
00:20:26,222 --> 00:20:29,782
Hang on!
I'll give it a bash if she will!
244
00:20:29,782 --> 00:20:33,922
She's a rather...sensitive person.
Great!
245
00:20:33,922 --> 00:20:37,322
And she specified a non-smoker.
246
00:20:39,822 --> 00:20:42,882
Well, you win some, you lose some.
247
00:20:42,882 --> 00:20:49,622
This looks promising! Young lady,
30 years old... A career woman.
Yeah, go on.
248
00:20:49,622 --> 00:20:53,702
She's an actress.
Yeah? Is she famous?
249
00:20:53,702 --> 00:20:59,402
I wouldn't have thought so,
would you? No, no, I s'pose not. No.
250
00:20:59,402 --> 00:21:05,222
It's a nice introduction, since you
have a common interest. What's that?
251
00:21:05,222 --> 00:21:11,202
The arts? Oh, yes, yes! Right, yeah!
Perfect! Well, eh, where do we meet
252
00:21:11,202 --> 00:21:18,222
and how do we recognise each other?
Assuming the young lady fancies it.
What's her name?
253
00:21:18,222 --> 00:21:22,422
Eh...Miss Turner. Raquel Turner.
254
00:21:22,422 --> 00:21:29,962
Raquel! Raque-e-el!
D'you know that Raquel is
my most favourite name!
255
00:21:29,962 --> 00:21:35,322
How fortunate. Now, we recommend
a first meeting during the day -
256
00:21:35,322 --> 00:21:38,262
a lunch appointment or something.
257
00:21:38,262 --> 00:21:45,262
After that, it's up to the clients.
A good meeting place is the clock
at Waterloo Station.
258
00:21:45,262 --> 00:21:50,642
Quite romantic - it evokes memories
of Trevor Howard and Celia Johnson.
259
00:21:50,642 --> 00:21:56,662
We suggest the gentleman carries
flowers as a point of recognition.
260
00:21:56,662 --> 00:22:00,262
Right... Did THEY hit it off?
261
00:22:00,262 --> 00:22:02,242
..Who?
262
00:22:02,242 --> 00:22:05,162
Well, this Trevor and Celia sorts.
263
00:22:05,162 --> 00:22:10,222
Yes, yes. Cushty!
Right, you give Raquel the old S.P.
264
00:22:10,222 --> 00:22:17,702
And tell her to keep on her toes -
the last girl I met at Waterloo
got mugged on the escalator!
265
00:22:18,742 --> 00:22:21,802
Yes, I'll, eh...I'll tell her.
266
00:22:21,802 --> 00:22:26,342
When, or indeed if,
you and Miss Turner should meet,
267
00:22:26,342 --> 00:22:31,882
we do emphasise the importance
of complete honesty. Oh, I agree!
268
00:22:31,882 --> 00:22:35,522
We gotta be right up front
with each other!
269
00:22:35,522 --> 00:22:41,282
Good. Now I must trouble you
for the £25 membership fee. Right.
270
00:22:41,282 --> 00:22:47,842
I'm sorry, I've forgotten - is there
an 'e' on the end of your name?
No 'e'. It's Duval - Derek Duval.
271
00:22:51,394 --> 00:22:54,754
TELEVISION IS ON
272
00:23:15,374 --> 00:23:17,874
You going out?
273
00:23:20,154 --> 00:23:24,314
No, I'm gonna bleed the brakes
on the van(!)
274
00:23:24,314 --> 00:23:26,994
'Course I'm going out!
275
00:23:26,994 --> 00:23:32,254
What is it, a special occasion?
Could be, Unc. You never can tell.
276
00:23:32,254 --> 00:23:37,274
I thought it might be
a mate's BIRTHDAY or something.
277
00:23:37,274 --> 00:23:39,414
No, I'm taking a young lady
out to lunch.
278
00:23:39,414 --> 00:23:43,974
When I was a lad,
I had smashing birthday parties.
279
00:23:43,974 --> 00:23:49,394
When you get to my age, nobody
bothers. I know. It's a bark, innit?
280
00:23:49,394 --> 00:23:52,454
Yeah... So who's the bird?
281
00:23:52,454 --> 00:23:55,174
It's not a bird. It's an actress.
282
00:23:55,174 --> 00:23:57,714
Yeah? Yeah. Who?
283
00:23:57,714 --> 00:24:02,234
Raquel Turner. Name don't ring
a bell. What's she been in?
284
00:24:02,234 --> 00:24:07,174
Loads of things. I can't remember
'em all. What's she look like?
285
00:24:07,174 --> 00:24:12,114
Eh-h-h... Well, she's a...
It's difficult to describe her.
286
00:24:12,114 --> 00:24:16,274
Is she tall, short, dark, fair,
fat or thin?
287
00:24:16,274 --> 00:24:20,914
..She's an actress!
She keeps changing her appearance!
288
00:24:20,914 --> 00:24:26,694
How you gonna recognise her, then?
I'll recognise her! Don't keep on!
289
00:24:26,694 --> 00:24:32,134
Got anything for the launderette?
It's not your washing day today.
290
00:24:32,134 --> 00:24:37,274
Rodney's going out as well. I don't
wanna sit here on me own. All right.
291
00:24:41,954 --> 00:24:46,494
"SUAVE" VOICE:
Hello, Miss Turner. May I say...
292
00:24:51,034 --> 00:24:56,734
How do you do, Ms Turner? May I say
how very PLEASED I am to meet you?
293
00:24:56,734 --> 00:25:00,274
I've admired your work
for many years.
294
00:25:01,314 --> 00:25:04,174
May I call you Raquel?
295
00:25:04,174 --> 00:25:08,094
Raquel is one
of my most favourite names.
296
00:25:08,094 --> 00:25:13,154
Yea-ea-ea-eah! My old joie-de-vivre
will knock her bandy!
297
00:25:13,154 --> 00:25:18,114
Now then, a quick livener, I think,
and then off we go!
298
00:25:41,594 --> 00:25:43,714
A-hem!
299
00:25:46,674 --> 00:25:49,554
You're still here, then?
300
00:25:49,554 --> 00:25:55,874
Just about... I thought you'd got
a date with that Nerys. I 'ave.
301
00:25:55,874 --> 00:26:02,394
Well, you'd better get changed
or you'll be late. I AM changed!
302
00:26:02,394 --> 00:26:08,314
You're going out like that?!
Why not? You look like an 'ooligan!
303
00:26:08,314 --> 00:26:14,434
It is the fashion.
Ain't you read about it?
It's the James Dean look.
304
00:26:14,434 --> 00:26:18,874
Yeah, but they meant
BEFORE the crash!
305
00:26:20,794 --> 00:26:25,234
You won't get far with Nerys
dressed like that.
306
00:26:25,234 --> 00:26:27,994
Oy! You just keep it out, right?!
307
00:26:27,994 --> 00:26:33,274
OK, OK! Maybe she goes for blokes
who look like Barney Rubble!
308
00:26:34,374 --> 00:26:39,094
I thought you were going out.
I AM going out!
309
00:26:39,094 --> 00:26:45,934
Get changed and I'll take those down
the launderette. I am WEARING these!
310
00:26:45,934 --> 00:26:49,434
Where you taking her, then -
scrumping?!
311
00:26:49,434 --> 00:26:54,374
Del boy's going out to lunch
with a world-famous actress.
312
00:26:54,374 --> 00:26:59,354
Yeah? You got my socks and pants
in there? Yeah. See ya.
313
00:27:01,794 --> 00:27:07,454
So who is it, then -
Meryl Streep(?) No! Raquel Turner.
314
00:27:08,514 --> 00:27:12,354
Are you kidding me?
No, straight up.
315
00:27:12,354 --> 00:27:15,074
THE Raquel Turner?
316
00:27:18,854 --> 00:27:21,894
Well, yeah. Have you heard of her?
317
00:27:21,894 --> 00:27:24,514
..No.
318
00:27:28,974 --> 00:27:32,014
She been in anything?
319
00:27:32,014 --> 00:27:37,594
Nothing YOU would have seen her in!
What's that supposed to mean?!
320
00:27:37,594 --> 00:27:41,954
She 'as not been on Top of the Pops
or Batman!
321
00:27:43,034 --> 00:27:48,594
Where you taking her, then? I am
meeting her at Waterloo Station
322
00:27:48,594 --> 00:27:52,454
and I have booked
a table for lunch...
323
00:27:52,454 --> 00:27:55,714
at the Hilton Hotel, Park Lane!
324
00:27:55,714 --> 00:28:02,494
You taking the van?
..No, I am NOT taking the van!
325
00:28:02,494 --> 00:28:08,094
Where would YOU meet an actress?
A friend in showbiz introduced us.
326
00:28:08,094 --> 00:28:12,794
Now, wait a minute. The other day
Albert took a call for you.
327
00:28:12,794 --> 00:28:16,294
It was from some... agency.
Oh...w-was it?
328
00:28:16,294 --> 00:28:21,614
Is your mate an agent? Yeah, yeah.
Right. He's a showbusiness agent.
329
00:28:21,614 --> 00:28:28,994
Bloody 'ell, Del! Any chance
of an autograph? No problem.
I'll get you hers as well!
330
00:28:30,874 --> 00:28:35,914
Em...Del, you don't think you might
be being a little bit...
331
00:28:35,914 --> 00:28:40,974
well...ostentatious?
Well, maybe, but I can afford it.
332
00:28:40,974 --> 00:28:48,994
Yeah, but...the Hilton an' all.
You don't think you're being
a teensy-weensy bit over the top?
333
00:28:48,994 --> 00:28:54,394
I mean, she's an actress. She's
bound to be cool and laid-back.
334
00:28:54,394 --> 00:28:58,414
Rodney, give me credit
for having some savvy.
335
00:28:58,414 --> 00:29:03,494
I do know that a woman like Raquel
appreciates the subtle approach.
336
00:29:03,494 --> 00:29:08,674
I have played the game before.
I do know what I am doing. Mm?
337
00:29:08,674 --> 00:29:11,294
Yeah, of course you do.
338
00:29:11,294 --> 00:29:15,234
Well, best of luck, eh?
Cheers, bruv!
339
00:29:20,034 --> 00:29:23,794
Open the door for us, Rodney,
will you?
340
00:29:25,554 --> 00:29:28,414
What's this?! Gawd...!
341
00:29:34,574 --> 00:29:36,834
GUARD'S WHISTLE BLOWS
342
00:29:56,374 --> 00:29:59,934
BEEP! BEEP!
343
00:30:07,014 --> 00:30:11,034
Hi. ..Is this a three-wheeled van?
344
00:30:11,034 --> 00:30:13,714
It was the last time I counted.
345
00:30:13,714 --> 00:30:18,734
I've never been in one before.
You've never lived!
346
00:30:18,734 --> 00:30:21,594
It's a bit, em...what's the word...?
347
00:30:21,594 --> 00:30:23,694
Smelly!
348
00:30:23,694 --> 00:30:27,134
That is the odour of honest sweat,
Nerys!
349
00:30:27,134 --> 00:30:31,534
So, where do you fancy going?
I don't mind.
350
00:30:31,534 --> 00:30:34,814
Name the destination. I don't care.
351
00:30:34,814 --> 00:30:38,894
What, so there's nowhere special?
No. Anywhere.
352
00:30:38,894 --> 00:30:43,214
How about a movie?
I don't fancy the pictures.
353
00:30:43,214 --> 00:30:46,714
A drink? Pubs 'ere are 'orrible.
354
00:30:46,714 --> 00:30:54,694
D'you fancy an 'amburger?
I've just 'ad me dinner! Well,
where? I don't mind! Anywhere!
355
00:30:54,694 --> 00:30:58,314
That's cool, Nerys.
We'll just...cruise.
356
00:30:58,314 --> 00:31:01,914
What, in a three-wheeled van?! Yes!
357
00:31:01,914 --> 00:31:07,074
This will be an experience
you will never forget, Nerys.
358
00:31:08,334 --> 00:31:13,074
Oh, shit!
You didn't wind your window down!
359
00:31:13,074 --> 00:31:17,534
I know!
Get out before it catches fire!
360
00:31:35,014 --> 00:31:39,194
Hello.
361
00:31:42,514 --> 00:31:46,334
Hello! You're not Raquel, are you?!
362
00:31:46,334 --> 00:31:49,914
I can be anyone you want me to be,
da-arlin'!
363
00:31:49,914 --> 00:31:55,514
You're not an actress, are you?
I've played a few demanding roles!
364
00:31:55,514 --> 00:31:59,154
There's a very nice little hotel
nearby.
365
00:31:59,154 --> 00:32:01,814
Why don't we...discuss it there?
366
00:32:01,814 --> 00:32:07,814
No, sorry.
It's okay. There's been a mistake.
My fault entirely. Sorry. Oh-h-h...
367
00:32:07,814 --> 00:32:12,794
You're one of those
who just likes to TALK!
368
00:32:12,794 --> 00:32:17,754
There's been a mistake. I'm waiting
for someone and I thought you...
369
00:32:18,714 --> 00:32:22,754
I'm beginning to lose my rag
with you!
370
00:32:22,754 --> 00:32:30,614
I'll count to ten and then
I'll shove these flowers up your...
TRAIN HOOTS
371
00:32:30,614 --> 00:32:34,934
You realise that will be extra?
Gordon Bennett!
372
00:32:34,934 --> 00:32:37,594
Oh, hell, the filth!
373
00:32:38,714 --> 00:32:41,434
See ya, darlin'!
374
00:32:44,414 --> 00:32:46,994
(Gordon Bennett!)
375
00:32:51,454 --> 00:32:54,974
Come on, Jed!
What's that?!
376
00:32:58,774 --> 00:33:01,914
CAR RADIO BLARES AND THUGS JEER
377
00:33:04,314 --> 00:33:10,114
Weren't you frightened?! What,
of them punks?! Huh! No way!
378
00:33:26,294 --> 00:33:28,634
H-hello.
379
00:33:31,734 --> 00:33:37,254
'E nearly nicked one of your mates,
so I'd 'ave it away if I were you.
380
00:33:37,254 --> 00:33:42,034
Is it Derek? ..Raquel?! Yes!
381
00:33:42,034 --> 00:33:48,334
Oh! Hi! Hello! Sorry about that!
No, I should apologise
for being late!
382
00:33:48,334 --> 00:33:51,154
You know how the trains are. Yeah.
383
00:33:51,154 --> 00:33:55,134
Have you waited long?
Since about ten o'clock.
384
00:33:55,934 --> 00:34:00,094
No, no, it's a joke!
Just a joke! Oh-h...!
385
00:34:00,094 --> 00:34:03,454
..Oh, sorry - these are for you!
386
00:34:05,654 --> 00:34:11,634
Oh, you shouldn't have gone to all
this expense! Mais oui, mais oui!
387
00:34:13,094 --> 00:34:18,454
Well, um...I've booked a table
at my most favourite restaurant.
388
00:34:18,454 --> 00:34:21,734
Sounds lovely! Right.
389
00:34:21,734 --> 00:34:25,914
Well...your carriage awaits.
Thank you.
390
00:34:31,174 --> 00:34:36,194
This is a bit like Brief Encounter,
isn't it? D'you reckon?
391
00:34:36,194 --> 00:34:39,034
That's my favourite film!
392
00:34:39,034 --> 00:34:43,194
..Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah, and it's mine. And mine.
393
00:34:43,194 --> 00:34:48,314
Really?! Yeah. My favourite bit
is when the big spaceship arrives
394
00:34:48,314 --> 00:34:52,174
and all the little Martians
come out.
395
00:34:52,174 --> 00:34:55,354
..That's CLOSE Encounters!
396
00:34:55,354 --> 00:34:58,354
Yeah, I love it!
397
00:35:02,014 --> 00:35:07,994
I thought you were a quiet person!
They're the ones you gotta watch!
398
00:35:07,994 --> 00:35:11,954
But just now you were so...
well, tough!
399
00:35:13,014 --> 00:35:19,394
I get by! I've lived in these
streets too long to be frightened.
400
00:35:19,394 --> 00:35:23,414
Those punks back there
don't scare me!
401
00:35:23,414 --> 00:35:26,414
This is MY jungle -
402
00:35:26,414 --> 00:35:29,214
and I'm at the top of the tree!
403
00:35:34,034 --> 00:35:36,534
Oh, my...!
404
00:35:36,534 --> 00:35:39,834
What's wrong, Rodney?! Nothing!
405
00:35:40,914 --> 00:35:44,294
CAR RADIO BLARES
406
00:35:44,294 --> 00:35:48,134
Why are we going so fast?
I love speed!
407
00:35:48,134 --> 00:35:52,914
You said we were gonna cruise!
I like to cruise...quickly!
408
00:36:02,694 --> 00:36:05,274
And, eh...that's from moi.
409
00:36:08,034 --> 00:36:13,194
Sorry about that. I had to get
a message to a friend. That's OK.
410
00:36:17,374 --> 00:36:21,314
Well, go on, get stuck in.
Don't wait for me.
411
00:36:33,974 --> 00:36:36,674
Mmm...this is wonderful!
412
00:36:36,674 --> 00:36:39,294
Well, you can't go wrong 'ere.
413
00:36:40,954 --> 00:36:44,994
I'm a bit surprised to find
someone like you...
414
00:36:44,994 --> 00:36:50,034
you know, attractive and talented,
at a computer dating agency.
415
00:36:50,034 --> 00:36:52,594
I might say the same about you -
416
00:36:52,594 --> 00:36:58,734
the successful managing director of
your own business. Why did YOU go?
417
00:36:58,734 --> 00:37:01,534
Dunno, really.
418
00:37:01,534 --> 00:37:08,574
I suppose I was grabbing at straws.
I've been married before
and that was a disaster.
419
00:37:08,574 --> 00:37:12,414
All my relationships with men
ended unhappily.
420
00:37:12,414 --> 00:37:14,974
Maybe it's been the same for you?
421
00:37:14,974 --> 00:37:18,334
No, blokes don't do a lot for me.
422
00:37:18,334 --> 00:37:23,874
You know what I mean...! I used
to take my relationships seriously -
423
00:37:23,874 --> 00:37:28,974
used to make stupid plans -
but they were just playing a game.
424
00:37:28,974 --> 00:37:36,414
When I saw the agency advertisement
I thought, at least I'll be meeting
someone who wants me to be there!
425
00:37:36,414 --> 00:37:39,174
Was it the same for you? Exactly.
426
00:37:39,174 --> 00:37:44,814
I just thought you'd meet people
on film sets and such like.
427
00:37:44,814 --> 00:37:52,154
I've got to be honest... The agency
asked what I did for a living
so I said I was an actress.
428
00:37:52,154 --> 00:37:58,214
Well, I suppose that's what I AM.
I'm a member of the union, at least!
429
00:37:58,214 --> 00:38:03,714
I had one line in a Dr Who about
ten years ago! I was a lizard person.
430
00:38:03,714 --> 00:38:11,254
I've done fringe theatre and stuff,
but I gave it all up
while I was married.
431
00:38:11,254 --> 00:38:18,594
My husband thought there should
only be one breadwinner.
My dad was like that.
432
00:38:18,594 --> 00:38:21,914
He got up at six every morning
to get Mum off to work.
433
00:38:23,494 --> 00:38:25,154
..No, straight up!
434
00:38:25,154 --> 00:38:29,154
Anyway, recently I've tried
to pick up my career,
435
00:38:29,154 --> 00:38:33,434
but I don't see me ever
doing anything. Au contraire.
436
00:38:33,434 --> 00:38:38,254
This time next year
you'll be a star! Oh, come on.
437
00:38:38,254 --> 00:38:42,714
No. She Who Dares Wins -
that is my motto.
438
00:38:42,714 --> 00:38:48,174
I always said to my kid brother,
"Next year we'll be millionaires!"
439
00:38:48,174 --> 00:38:52,694
And look at you now!
..Yeah, look at me now.
440
00:38:52,694 --> 00:38:58,674
If you want something
bad enough you'll get it,
if you don't stop believing.
441
00:38:59,774 --> 00:39:03,794
This is nice.
There's a lovely feeling of...
442
00:39:03,794 --> 00:39:06,394
I don't know...honesty.
443
00:39:07,474 --> 00:39:12,034
Yeah, well...
It's what it's all about, innit?
444
00:39:12,034 --> 00:39:17,614
Mr Duval? Yes. There's an important
call from your New York office.
445
00:39:17,614 --> 00:39:22,594
Thank you, Charles.
Sorry about this. It's no problem.
446
00:39:25,454 --> 00:39:30,074
Charles, would you tell them
I'm busy? Of course, sir.
447
00:39:30,074 --> 00:39:34,174
Please...!
No, no. I'm enjoying the company.
448
00:39:35,834 --> 00:39:41,134
These Yanks are gonna have to learn
to make decisions for themselves!
449
00:39:41,134 --> 00:39:43,454
To success!
450
00:39:45,154 --> 00:39:49,794
TYRES SQUEAL AND MUSIC BLARES
451
00:39:53,154 --> 00:39:56,494
Wotcher, Dave!
452
00:39:58,534 --> 00:40:02,814
Mm...mm...mm...mm...
Thank you, John.
453
00:40:03,874 --> 00:40:08,374
When the agency mentioned you,
I was really excited.
454
00:40:08,374 --> 00:40:15,674
It's not that often you meet someone
who's interested in the theatre.
Oh, I love it.
455
00:40:15,674 --> 00:40:22,614
The theatre is so exhilarating!
You can't whack a good play,
can yer?
456
00:40:22,614 --> 00:40:30,234
Did you see the RSC's production
of Moliere's Le Misanthrope?
..No, I was out.
457
00:40:30,234 --> 00:40:35,714
..Oh, out of the country?
Oh, yeah. I was away on business.
458
00:40:35,714 --> 00:40:40,634
You missed something wonderful!
I know. I was gutted.
459
00:40:40,634 --> 00:40:44,194
That the sort of play you like,
is it?
460
00:40:44,194 --> 00:40:48,254
I like anything
to do with entertainment.
461
00:40:48,254 --> 00:40:53,294
When I was a kid, my mum sent me
to tap-dancing lessons. I loved it!
462
00:40:53,294 --> 00:41:00,794
When I was...17, another girl and me
formed a pop-duo. "Double Cream"
we called ourselves. We were rotten!
463
00:41:00,794 --> 00:41:05,074
I like anything -
pop music to heavy drama.
464
00:41:05,074 --> 00:41:07,714
I just love the works of Shaw.
465
00:41:07,714 --> 00:41:12,634
Oh, yeah!
# Like a puppet on a stri-i-ing... #
466
00:41:12,634 --> 00:41:17,794
You're just putting me on!
..No, I really do like it!
467
00:41:18,854 --> 00:41:21,374
Oh, thank you, Charles.
468
00:41:37,634 --> 00:41:43,374
Thank you. I've really enjoyed
this afternoon. Oh, so've I. Mmm.
469
00:41:43,374 --> 00:41:47,774
Em...d'you fancy going out
Saturday night?
470
00:41:47,774 --> 00:41:50,354
Saturday? No, I can't make Saturday.
471
00:41:50,354 --> 00:41:52,914
Just thought I'd ask.
472
00:41:52,914 --> 00:42:00,794
I'm always busy on Friday
and Saturday nights, at drama class.
Oh, DRAMA class!
473
00:42:00,794 --> 00:42:06,054
I teach. Oh, right.
What about...em...Monday night?
474
00:42:06,054 --> 00:42:09,114
I'd love to. Great!
475
00:42:09,114 --> 00:42:13,894
Where shall I meet you?
Why not come round the flat?
476
00:42:13,894 --> 00:42:18,534
Yeah, OK... And don't worry -
477
00:42:18,534 --> 00:42:22,034
I'm not a pervo or anything
like that! I figured that one out!
478
00:42:23,154 --> 00:42:28,094
Oh... I've kept you away
from your business.
479
00:42:28,094 --> 00:42:31,674
My brother handles things
when I'm not there.
480
00:42:50,614 --> 00:42:53,374
HE SCREAMS
481
00:43:01,654 --> 00:43:04,934
Well, get his number!!
482
00:43:04,934 --> 00:43:07,994
They only gave me this yesterday!
483
00:43:07,994 --> 00:43:14,214
- Get it?
- No, but there can't be many
yellow, three-wheelers around!
484
00:43:14,214 --> 00:43:18,094
Right! I'll get him!
You see if I don't!
485
00:43:18,094 --> 00:43:21,754
HONKING AND JEERING
486
00:43:22,934 --> 00:43:25,914
You...! I...!
487
00:43:26,974 --> 00:43:30,394
Don't EVER do that again!
488
00:43:46,114 --> 00:43:48,914
What's wrong, Nerys?
489
00:43:51,314 --> 00:43:52,914
Nerys...?
490
00:43:58,989 --> 00:44:00,929
Do you want another brandy?
491
00:44:00,929 --> 00:44:05,049
No, I'm fine, thanks.
..Please, sit down.
492
00:44:05,049 --> 00:44:10,729
Right. Listen, you didn't 'ave
to cook a meal and what 'ave you.
493
00:44:10,729 --> 00:44:14,049
It's my, "Thank you", for the lunch.
494
00:44:14,049 --> 00:44:18,569
Well, it was REALLY lovely,
you know. Thank you.
495
00:44:18,569 --> 00:44:23,529
Will your car be all right? We get
a lot of vandalism round here.
496
00:44:23,529 --> 00:44:30,869
I didn't bring it. Leave a Ferrari
out there and see what
you come back to! Oh, good.
497
00:44:35,349 --> 00:44:40,409
These flowers lasted well, eh?
I'm not throwing them away.
498
00:44:40,409 --> 00:44:43,209
They're my memories of a lovely day.
499
00:44:50,869 --> 00:44:54,849
D'you want a coffee? Yes, please.
Oh...!
500
00:44:58,989 --> 00:45:01,729
Raquel... Mmm?
501
00:45:03,169 --> 00:45:05,729
I like you.
502
00:45:06,789 --> 00:45:10,229
I like you. Good.
503
00:45:10,229 --> 00:45:14,249
Em...
Look at the state of this wall!
504
00:45:14,249 --> 00:45:16,949
Yeah, it's 'orrible, innit?
505
00:45:16,949 --> 00:45:20,549
Listen,
I wanted to ask you something.
506
00:45:20,549 --> 00:45:24,369
Oh, Del... Wait a while, eh?
507
00:45:25,409 --> 00:45:28,069
See how we feel in...
508
00:45:28,069 --> 00:45:32,089
Eh? No, no, no, not that!
Cor blimey, no!
509
00:45:32,089 --> 00:45:37,249
No, I had this idea to help you and
I wanted to talk to you about it.
510
00:45:37,249 --> 00:45:41,269
You see, I...I've got a friend
who's a mason.
511
00:45:41,269 --> 00:45:45,549
Oh, I don't need a mason.
A plasterer can do that.
512
00:45:45,549 --> 00:45:50,789
No, no, no, no, not a stonemason,
a masonic mason! You know...
513
00:45:50,789 --> 00:45:55,209
Come in 'ere
and let me talk to you about it.
514
00:45:58,849 --> 00:46:04,769
Sit down there, sit down. Now...
You're a talented actress, right?
515
00:46:04,769 --> 00:46:08,089
Says who? I can tell these things!
516
00:46:08,089 --> 00:46:11,629
But it doesn't matter
how clever you are,
517
00:46:11,629 --> 00:46:17,129
you need someone to give you
a decent break. Right? ..Yeah.
518
00:46:17,129 --> 00:46:24,729
Right. Well...
my friend's fellow mason...
is a television director. Right?
519
00:46:24,729 --> 00:46:32,629
So if I become a mason, I can
get him to give you that break.
But why would he do that?
520
00:46:32,629 --> 00:46:40,149
He doesn't even know me.
He doesn't 'ave to. Masons HAVE
to do favours for each other.
521
00:46:40,149 --> 00:46:47,349
But what favour would you do him?
I dunno. I'd drop him a monkey
or something.
522
00:46:47,349 --> 00:46:53,449
You'd actually join the masons
just to help me?! Oh, yeah. Oh...!
523
00:46:56,529 --> 00:47:01,789
Well, it's no sweat, is it?
It's the masons, not the moonies!
524
00:47:01,789 --> 00:47:06,009
They chuck a good dinner'n'dance
an' all!
525
00:47:06,009 --> 00:47:12,169
But I'd be cheating, wouldn't I?
'Course not! I'D do that for yer!
526
00:47:12,169 --> 00:47:17,709
I'd be using influence to further my
career. It's the name of the game!
527
00:47:17,709 --> 00:47:20,449
You can't wait to be discovered.
528
00:47:20,449 --> 00:47:25,549
You've gotta get in now before
you're past your sell-by date!
529
00:47:25,549 --> 00:47:28,769
Thanks(!) You know what I mean!
530
00:47:28,769 --> 00:47:33,429
This is your first opportunity.
It could be your last.
531
00:47:33,429 --> 00:47:39,469
You gotta get in now
while the going's good.
She Who Dares - Wins.
532
00:47:39,469 --> 00:47:45,089
Well, I... I'll leave it up to you,
Del. Whatever you think best.
533
00:47:45,089 --> 00:47:50,369
All right! You do the coffee...
Mmmm! And I'll do the bizzo.
534
00:47:52,289 --> 00:47:59,849
D'you think it'll work?
Piece of cake! They've been
begging me to join for years!
535
00:48:02,849 --> 00:48:08,429
PHONE RINGS AND DOG BARKS
Get outta there, Duke!
536
00:48:08,429 --> 00:48:11,469
Get OUT...!
537
00:48:11,469 --> 00:48:14,309
Daddy will be cro-oss!
538
00:48:16,409 --> 00:48:20,949
MARLENE!
That dog is in my aquarium again!
539
00:48:20,949 --> 00:48:26,009
I've TOLD him to get out
but he don't take any notice!
540
00:48:26,009 --> 00:48:31,009
He'll take some bloody notice
when I put PIRANHA in there!
541
00:48:31,009 --> 00:48:34,089
YOU get 'im out!
542
00:48:34,089 --> 00:48:37,089
SWEETLY:
Hello, this is Boyce House.
543
00:48:37,089 --> 00:48:39,829
Marlene, it's Del boy. How are you?
544
00:48:39,829 --> 00:48:44,729
How's tricks, Del?
Never better. Is the old man about?
545
00:48:44,729 --> 00:48:47,389
Yeah, unfortunately. I'll get him.
546
00:48:47,389 --> 00:48:53,169
Oh, when you've finished, I wanna
talk to you about Albert's birthday.
547
00:48:54,269 --> 00:48:58,109
Ohhh, Gawd!
It's this Friday, innit?!
548
00:48:58,109 --> 00:49:05,789
Em, Raquel... Listen, we've got
a bit of a celebration going on
this Friday. D'you fancy it?
549
00:49:05,789 --> 00:49:08,509
Not Friday. I'm at drama class.
550
00:49:08,509 --> 00:49:14,489
Oh, yeah... Couldn't you miss it?
I'd like you to meet my family.
551
00:49:14,489 --> 00:49:18,029
I can't.
We're in the final rehearsal.
552
00:49:18,029 --> 00:49:23,809
Anyway, I'd just say something
stupid! You haven't met my family!
553
00:49:26,869 --> 00:49:31,009
Hello! Hello, Boycie - Del boy.
Hello, Del.
554
00:49:31,009 --> 00:49:35,129
Listen, I want you
to do me a very big favour.
555
00:49:35,129 --> 00:49:40,229
I want you to recommend me for
membership to your masonic lodge.
556
00:49:40,229 --> 00:49:47,949
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Has someone slipped some Angel Dust
in your pina colada?!
557
00:49:47,949 --> 00:49:53,369
Only the most respected members
of our society can join my lodge!
558
00:49:53,369 --> 00:49:59,009
You said they'd take anyone! Yeah,
but it wouldn't stretch to you!
559
00:49:59,009 --> 00:50:03,949
It'll be a doddle! My best friend's
a member. Who? You!
560
00:50:03,949 --> 00:50:09,909
Oh...! No, Del, I couldn't consider
proposing someone like you.
561
00:50:09,909 --> 00:50:17,429
I'd be a very good mason, Boycie.
I'll prove it. Masons are supposed
to do each other favours, right?
562
00:50:17,429 --> 00:50:22,469
Well, you propose me
and I'll do one for you. What?
563
00:50:22,469 --> 00:50:27,649
I won't tell Marlene about
that little bird in Sheffield.
564
00:50:27,649 --> 00:50:30,869
You wouldn't! Try me!
565
00:50:30,869 --> 00:50:35,969
No, no, no, Del! You may be many
things, but you are not a grass!
566
00:50:35,969 --> 00:50:43,309
I don't think we've got anything
else to say to each other. Bye!
I wanna talk to him!
567
00:50:43,309 --> 00:50:49,129
De-el? What d'yer think he'd LIKE
for a present?
568
00:50:49,129 --> 00:50:51,969
Wait a minute, wait a minute!
569
00:50:51,969 --> 00:50:59,609
I do know that he likes a bit
of fishing and he was talking about
getting himself an angler's knife.
570
00:50:59,609 --> 00:51:03,789
But it must be made
of SHEFFIELD steel!
571
00:51:03,789 --> 00:51:06,729
Sheffield? Geez that phone!!
572
00:51:13,309 --> 00:51:17,269
Yes, Boycie. Thank you, Boyce.
Thank you. Bye!
573
00:51:19,289 --> 00:51:22,669
PLAYS: "I'm In The Mood For Love"
574
00:51:22,669 --> 00:51:25,769
LYRICS ARE SLURRED
575
00:51:35,629 --> 00:51:40,909
# ..I'm in the mood for lo-o-ove! #
576
00:51:40,909 --> 00:51:45,689
RAUCOUS CHEERS
577
00:51:48,929 --> 00:51:51,489
Look at that daft old twonk!
578
00:51:51,489 --> 00:51:56,349
At least he's only got one birthday
a year! True!
579
00:51:56,349 --> 00:52:01,789
Del, you promised me, mate!
You've given him too much to drink!
580
00:52:01,789 --> 00:52:06,669
He's slurring his words.
He offended some ladies. How?
581
00:52:06,669 --> 00:52:09,249
Well, he wanted a rum and black.
582
00:52:09,249 --> 00:52:11,869
He ordered a bum and rack!
583
00:52:11,869 --> 00:52:15,529
Just pray he doesn't fancy
a Buck's Fizz!
584
00:52:19,229 --> 00:52:23,209
So what happened
at Boycie's lodge last night?
585
00:52:23,209 --> 00:52:28,489
I met the committee members - tried
to make a good impression an' that.
586
00:52:28,489 --> 00:52:34,009
So are you a mason now? No, no, no.
The committee discuss me tonight.
587
00:52:34,009 --> 00:52:39,069
As Boycie said, there is a chance
that I could be blackballed.
588
00:52:39,069 --> 00:52:44,769
Is that part of the initiation
ceremony? No, no, no, no, no, no.
589
00:52:44,769 --> 00:52:49,989
You see, each committee member has
one white ball and one black ball.
590
00:52:49,989 --> 00:52:53,089
They each put one ball in a bag.
591
00:52:54,889 --> 00:52:58,349
Snooker balls! Yeah! Gotcha!
592
00:52:58,349 --> 00:53:02,409
If all the balls are white,
that means you're in,
593
00:53:02,409 --> 00:53:06,349
but if there's just one black ball -
you're out.
594
00:53:06,349 --> 00:53:08,449
Are you doing all this for Raquel?
595
00:53:09,629 --> 00:53:13,189
Yeah. Oh, you know...
She's worth it, Rodney.
596
00:53:13,189 --> 00:53:17,849
I can't wait to meet her.
Is she coming tonight?
No, she's rehearsing.
597
00:53:17,849 --> 00:53:22,189
Yeah? What in?
..A rehearsal room, I suppose.
598
00:53:22,189 --> 00:53:24,909
No, I meant what play?
599
00:53:24,909 --> 00:53:31,269
Oh! I dunno.
Something deep and meaningful.
One of them Russian jobs, likely.
600
00:53:31,269 --> 00:53:37,449
The ones we don't watch on BBC Two?
The ones I never USED to watch.
601
00:53:37,449 --> 00:53:40,549
But in them days I wasn't esoteric.
602
00:53:40,549 --> 00:53:44,769
..No? No, but Raquel has taught me
what's what.
603
00:53:44,769 --> 00:53:49,369
You stick me in front of the telly
with a Singapore Sling,
604
00:53:49,369 --> 00:53:53,029
a sandwich and a bit of Chekhov
and I'm happy!
605
00:53:53,029 --> 00:53:56,329
She's...she's good news, Rodney.
606
00:53:56,329 --> 00:54:00,189
She's lovely, she's beautiful,
she's talented...
607
00:54:00,189 --> 00:54:02,349
Got a good pair of lungs on 'er
an' all.
608
00:54:02,349 --> 00:54:04,449
Yeah?
609
00:54:04,449 --> 00:54:08,389
I mean
she's got a good singing voice!
610
00:54:10,069 --> 00:54:16,169
Her voice is a cross between that
Kiri Tikwanama and Whitney Houston!
611
00:54:16,169 --> 00:54:20,169
Lovely!
Just what the doctor ordered! Yeah!
612
00:54:20,169 --> 00:54:23,469
Here's Boycie! Boycie! Over 'ere!
613
00:54:23,469 --> 00:54:26,029
Sit yerself down, Boycie.
614
00:54:26,029 --> 00:54:30,569
Have...have the committee come
to a decision yet?
615
00:54:30,569 --> 00:54:38,049
Yes, Derek, and it is bad news.
Well, it's bad news for you,
at least. You were blackballed.
616
00:54:38,049 --> 00:54:43,549
Oh, no-o-o-o! Someone put
a black ball in the bag? Who?
617
00:54:43,549 --> 00:54:48,609
There was more than ONE black ball.
How many?
618
00:54:48,609 --> 00:54:54,169
Put it this way, have you ever seen
the bottom of a rabbit's hutch?
619
00:54:54,169 --> 00:54:57,289
I am sorry, Derek. I did me best.
620
00:55:01,529 --> 00:55:04,089
What am I gonna tell Raquel now?
621
00:55:04,089 --> 00:55:08,569
Look, if she's as talented
as you say she is,
622
00:55:08,569 --> 00:55:12,709
she don't need you bribing
some TV director!
623
00:55:12,709 --> 00:55:19,169
You're right, Rodney!
She'll be a star one day
cos she has got talent!
624
00:55:19,169 --> 00:55:23,809
Which is more than you can say
for that soppy old git!
625
00:55:23,809 --> 00:55:27,989
# I put my finger
in the woodpecker's hole
626
00:55:27,989 --> 00:55:31,029
# It said, "Gawd bless my soul"
627
00:55:31,029 --> 00:55:36,189
# "Take it out! Take it out!
Wiggle it about, remove it!" #
628
00:55:36,189 --> 00:55:42,109
Albert! That is enough! Chuck him
in the van and drive him home!
629
00:55:42,109 --> 00:55:48,269
With that engine?! You must be
joking! It was fine the other day.
630
00:55:48,269 --> 00:55:52,829
When was that?
I saw Dave out with some mates.
631
00:55:52,829 --> 00:55:57,189
Oh, yeah? The engine was
well lumpy then, Del!
632
00:55:57,189 --> 00:55:59,909
It was goin' a fair lick, though!
633
00:55:59,909 --> 00:56:05,469
But it was making a terrible noise!
'Ang on - what's this all about?
634
00:56:05,469 --> 00:56:09,349
Altogether now...!
Albert Trotter?
635
00:56:09,349 --> 00:56:12,029
..Aye, sir.
636
00:56:12,029 --> 00:56:16,829
Able Seaman Trotter,
late of HMS Peerless?
637
00:56:16,829 --> 00:56:19,049
Aye, sir.
You're under arrest.
638
00:56:19,189 --> 00:56:20,189
Aye, sir.
You're under arrest.
639
00:56:21,569 --> 00:56:25,409
They're nicking him!
What's going on?!
640
00:56:25,409 --> 00:56:26,549
You will go to Portsmouth
for court-martial.
641
00:56:26,689 --> 00:56:29,089
You will go to Portsmouth
for court-martial.
642
00:56:29,089 --> 00:56:32,169
B-b-b-b-but why?!
643
00:56:32,169 --> 00:56:34,749
Dereliction of duty.
644
00:56:34,749 --> 00:56:40,329
On November 19th, 1941, you did
wantonly abandon your watch duties,
645
00:56:40,329 --> 00:56:47,469
thus causing
the sinking of HMS Peerless
and damage to the USS Pittsburg.
646
00:56:47,469 --> 00:56:51,189
But...but that was
nearly 50 years ago!
647
00:56:51,189 --> 00:56:55,809
The papers have
just been discovered.
648
00:56:55,809 --> 00:57:01,109
I-I couldn't understand the radar!
It was all blibs and blobs!
649
00:57:01,109 --> 00:57:05,789
Read the charges.
"Able Seaman Albert Trotter,
650
00:57:05,789 --> 00:57:09,509
"you are ordered
by Her Majesty the Queen
651
00:57:09,509 --> 00:57:12,089
"and by your friends and relatives
652
00:57:12,089 --> 00:57:15,849
"to have a very...happy birthday"!
653
00:57:15,849 --> 00:57:23,349
RAUCOUS LAUGHTER
# I'd like to take you
on a slow boat to China
654
00:57:23,349 --> 00:57:27,489
# All to myself, alone... #
655
00:57:27,489 --> 00:57:31,389
Is this your birthday surprise?!
Yea-eah!
656
00:57:31,389 --> 00:57:36,889
I saw this strippergram
in the paper! Look at his face!
657
00:57:36,889 --> 00:57:42,229
I'll get you for this,
you toe-rag! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho...!
658
00:57:42,229 --> 00:57:47,929
# ..I'll take your heart
all throu-ou-ough
659
00:57:47,929 --> 00:57:50,849
# I'd like to... #
660
00:57:58,569 --> 00:58:00,869
Raquel?!
661
00:58:03,369 --> 00:58:08,929
Raquel(?) Is this the "actress"
you've been telling us about(?)
662
00:58:08,929 --> 00:58:13,769
MOCKING LAUGHTER
That's your Raquel?!
663
00:58:14,849 --> 00:58:20,089
SHOUTS AND JEERS
664
00:59:03,309 --> 00:59:04,649
All right?
665
00:59:06,689 --> 00:59:11,049
Oddly enough...
I am NOT all right(!)
666
00:59:12,229 --> 00:59:16,929
Look, Del,
don't get out of your pram over it.
667
00:59:17,069 --> 00:59:23,789
Don't get out of my pram?!
She just humiliated me
in front of my friends!
668
00:59:23,789 --> 00:59:28,789
But you booked her. I did NOT!
I booked a strippergram.
669
00:59:28,789 --> 00:59:36,069
I didn't know
she did that for a living.
She SAID she was an actress.
670
00:59:36,069 --> 00:59:43,489
Instead she goes round pubs dressed
in stockings and suspenders,
flashing her threepenny bits!
671
00:59:43,489 --> 00:59:46,869
I don't think many people noticed.
672
00:59:46,869 --> 00:59:53,889
Anyway, remember Monique?
SHE went around in public
with next to nothing on.
673
00:59:53,889 --> 00:59:57,509
She was a lifeguard!
674
00:59:57,509 --> 01:00:00,769
Well, yeah, all right, but...
675
01:00:03,289 --> 01:00:05,389
DEL!
676
01:00:05,389 --> 01:00:08,969
Wait a minute!
677
01:00:08,969 --> 01:00:15,129
Look, I wouldn't talk to him
yet, love. He'll calm down...
in a year or two.
678
01:00:15,129 --> 01:00:18,169
You LIED to me! No, I didn't!
679
01:00:18,169 --> 01:00:24,449
I never told you I WASN'T
a stripper. Anyway, what about YOU?
680
01:00:24,449 --> 01:00:28,289
Your name is Trotter. You told me
you were called Derek Duval!
681
01:00:31,429 --> 01:00:32,869
Derek Duval?
682
01:00:32,869 --> 01:00:40,009
A slip of the tongue. And you
didn't tell me you were a market
trader. And is THIS the Ferrari?
683
01:00:44,289 --> 01:00:49,409
All right. So I might occasionally
tell the odd porkie or two.
684
01:00:49,409 --> 01:00:54,989
But I DON'T go round pubs dressed
in stockings and suspenders,
685
01:00:54,989 --> 01:01:00,429
flashing my boobs at geezers,
do I? No, he's never done that.
686
01:01:00,549 --> 01:01:03,309
No! Thank you. Oh, Del...
687
01:01:03,309 --> 01:01:10,389
I just do this to pay for
drama lessons. Where do you think
I found the money to live on?
688
01:01:10,389 --> 01:01:16,469
I thought you was
living on the rock'n'roll.
I'm not on the dole.
689
01:01:16,469 --> 01:01:19,449
I pay for my own way in this world.
690
01:01:19,449 --> 01:01:26,229
I'm sorry
you don't like what I do.
I don't bloody like it EITHER!
691
01:01:26,229 --> 01:01:33,149
You wanted me to meet your family.
With your clothes ON!
I got blackballed for you.
692
01:01:33,149 --> 01:01:40,909
I'm sorry but, before you start
moralising, remember YOU booked me.
I didn't know it'd be YOU.
693
01:01:40,909 --> 01:01:47,389
So it'd be all right for you
to lust over a stranger? Yes!
..No!
694
01:01:47,389 --> 01:01:50,109
Oh, I don't know.
695
01:01:50,109 --> 01:01:54,329
Look, this is probably
a daft question, but...
696
01:01:54,329 --> 01:01:56,949
do you want to see me any more?
697
01:02:00,109 --> 01:02:02,969
Of course I want to see you again.
698
01:02:02,969 --> 01:02:06,669
But next time I'll pay at the door
like all the other punters.
699
01:02:18,669 --> 01:02:21,869
There was no need to say that.
700
01:02:23,609 --> 01:02:26,009
I know there wasn't.
701
01:02:27,609 --> 01:02:30,669
Now I wish I hadn't.
702
01:02:30,669 --> 01:02:33,589
Like most things in my life,
703
01:02:33,589 --> 01:02:36,729
it's too bloody late!
704
01:02:43,189 --> 01:02:45,769
ENGINE BACKFIRES
705
01:03:07,949 --> 01:03:10,829
I fancied a bit of a walk anyway.
706
01:03:21,610 --> 01:03:24,010
Thanks. Cheers.
707
01:03:25,990 --> 01:03:27,610
Is that true, then?
708
01:03:27,610 --> 01:03:33,290
Is what true? These rumours about
you falling in love with a stripper.
709
01:03:33,290 --> 01:03:39,550
Leave it out, Sid. In love?!
I was just knocking about
with her, you know?
710
01:03:39,550 --> 01:03:44,870
Yeah. I told 'em you wouldn't
get serious over some tart.
711
01:03:44,870 --> 01:03:47,710
No. Do they think I'm a wally?
712
01:03:47,710 --> 01:03:50,430
Cup of tea, please, Sid?
713
01:03:50,430 --> 01:03:52,730
All right?
714
01:03:54,690 --> 01:03:58,010
What's up with you now?
715
01:03:58,010 --> 01:04:01,750
Is it the £175 repair bill
for the van?
716
01:04:03,530 --> 01:04:06,350
..Is it her?
717
01:04:06,350 --> 01:04:09,010
Her? Raquel.
718
01:04:10,970 --> 01:04:14,230
I've never known anyone
called Raquel.
719
01:04:14,230 --> 01:04:16,530
No, right.
720
01:04:16,530 --> 01:04:20,630
Tonight down the Coach and Horses
there's a stri...
721
01:04:23,550 --> 01:04:26,010
..comedian on.
722
01:04:26,010 --> 01:04:31,190
No, I don't think so, bruvvy.
I'll stay in and watch some telly.
723
01:04:31,190 --> 01:04:35,170
There's one of them Chekhov plays
on BBC Two.
724
01:04:35,170 --> 01:04:37,930
Load of old cobblers.
725
01:04:44,510 --> 01:04:47,270
Raquel! What a lovely surprise.
726
01:04:48,830 --> 01:04:51,990
Look who's here, Del.
727
01:04:55,130 --> 01:04:58,910
You got time for a cup of tea?
I don't know.
728
01:04:58,910 --> 01:05:03,350
Have I got time for a cup of tea?
It's a free country.
729
01:05:03,350 --> 01:05:07,330
See? I told you he'd mellow
after a bit.
730
01:05:08,510 --> 01:05:11,450
Well, I've got
to go somewhere to...
731
01:05:12,850 --> 01:05:16,850
Well, I've got to go somewhere.
Have my tea.
732
01:05:22,910 --> 01:05:26,710
Oi, Rodney! Hello, Mrs Sansom.
733
01:05:26,710 --> 01:05:31,690
What did you do to my Nerys?
She came in shaking like a leaf.
734
01:05:31,690 --> 01:05:35,730
It wasn't me, Mrs Sansom,
it was some yobs.
735
01:05:35,730 --> 01:05:41,170
What sort of week have you had?
Blinding! You? Rotten.
736
01:05:41,170 --> 01:05:45,250
It's a tough old world, innit?
Tougher than I ever imagined.
737
01:05:46,810 --> 01:05:50,530
I've resigned from
the strippergram agency.
738
01:05:50,530 --> 01:05:53,150
Good. I've signed on the dole.
739
01:05:53,150 --> 01:06:00,330
That's a step up the ladder(!)
Why didn't you tell me?
Why let me find out like that?
740
01:06:00,330 --> 01:06:04,630
You don't think I wanted you
to find out like that?
741
01:06:04,630 --> 01:06:10,630
I took a job
to give birthday greetings,
paid for by a Derek Trotter.
742
01:06:10,630 --> 01:06:16,950
If I'd known your name
I wouldn't have.
You still didn't tell me your job.
743
01:06:16,950 --> 01:06:19,910
I was hoping there'd be no need to.
744
01:06:19,910 --> 01:06:23,930
After I met you and I realised
we were...
745
01:06:23,930 --> 01:06:26,630
..becoming close...
746
01:06:26,630 --> 01:06:32,670
I planned to pack
the strippergram business in.
It just didn't work out.
747
01:06:35,010 --> 01:06:37,810
I thought I knew you.
748
01:06:37,810 --> 01:06:42,250
I knew nothing.
You were all disguises and secrets.
749
01:06:42,250 --> 01:06:44,610
I'm sorry.
750
01:06:47,010 --> 01:06:49,790
I'm going on a tour.
751
01:06:49,790 --> 01:06:52,830
Yeah? Bet it's a mystery one.
752
01:06:52,830 --> 01:06:59,710
No, it's no mystery.
An agent called me.
It could help my career. Cushty.
753
01:06:59,710 --> 01:07:04,090
You won't bump into me.
It's in the Middle East.
754
01:07:04,090 --> 01:07:09,890
Middle East?
I didn't know they liked
Uncle Vanya and Run For Your Wife.
755
01:07:09,890 --> 01:07:14,290
No, it's a review.
Dancing, that sort of thing.
756
01:07:14,290 --> 01:07:21,610
Oh, use your noddle, Raquel!
You read about that sort of thing
in the Sunday papers.
757
01:07:21,610 --> 01:07:26,810
You'll end up as a hostess
in some topless dive in the Kasbah.
758
01:07:26,810 --> 01:07:29,310
No, it's all above board.
759
01:07:29,310 --> 01:07:32,670
You'll probably end up
in a harlem!
760
01:07:33,810 --> 01:07:37,810
Don't be silly.
Oh, if that's what you want.
761
01:07:37,810 --> 01:07:42,310
It's not what I want.
It's the next best thing.
762
01:07:42,310 --> 01:07:49,350
It's a shame we couldn't have been
more honest with each other.
I was straight with you.
763
01:07:49,350 --> 01:07:54,410
Oh, all right, I called myself
Duval. That's just a joke.
764
01:07:54,410 --> 01:07:57,490
I didn't tell you any other lies.
765
01:07:57,490 --> 01:07:59,830
Del! What?
766
01:07:59,830 --> 01:08:04,710
Maybe it's another call
from your New York office.
767
01:08:22,130 --> 01:08:25,130
Del, I just want to say thanks.
768
01:08:25,130 --> 01:08:27,390
What for?
769
01:08:27,390 --> 01:08:34,530
For lots of things. For being
the only man I've ever met
who wanted me to keep my clothes on.
770
01:08:34,530 --> 01:08:39,790
For getting blackballed for me.
For giving me back my self-esteem.
771
01:08:41,290 --> 01:08:47,390
I used to wake up and look in
the mirror and think, "You again!"
772
01:08:47,390 --> 01:08:54,710
After I met you I used to wake up
and think, "Great! Another day!
You're going to BE somebody!
773
01:08:54,710 --> 01:08:58,710
"This time next year
I'll be famous."
774
01:08:58,710 --> 01:09:01,590
Thanks for that.
775
01:09:08,070 --> 01:09:09,590
Raquel?
776
01:09:11,550 --> 01:09:14,790
Would you like a piece
of my fried bread?
777
01:09:16,190 --> 01:09:17,750
Thanks.
778
01:09:24,230 --> 01:09:31,270
When are you leaving?
Tomorrow afternoon -
I've got a cab coming at 12.
779
01:09:31,270 --> 01:09:35,430
It's taking me to Waterloo Station.
That's ironic, isn't it?
780
01:09:37,630 --> 01:09:42,690
It doesn't have to be the end.
We could go on seeing each other.
781
01:09:42,690 --> 01:09:49,370
I'll pop over to Addis Ababa
and catch the show(!)
I don't have to go.
782
01:09:49,370 --> 01:09:55,930
You said
you'd already agreed to it.
They'll have to find a replacement.
783
01:09:55,930 --> 01:09:59,110
Thousands of girls would love
this chance.
784
01:10:02,890 --> 01:10:08,550
I don't know
what to say, sweetheart.
It's taken me a bit by surprise.
785
01:10:08,550 --> 01:10:12,770
I've done all my thinking.
I know what I want.
786
01:10:12,770 --> 01:10:15,730
If you want me to stay, I will.
787
01:10:15,730 --> 01:10:22,430
I'm not talking
about any heavy commitment,
like marriage or living together.
788
01:10:22,430 --> 01:10:28,010
We could just be there
for each other. Think about it,
won't you?
789
01:10:28,010 --> 01:10:30,470
Yeah, of course I will.
790
01:10:31,550 --> 01:10:36,130
If you like the idea,
just be at my flat tomorrow.
791
01:10:36,130 --> 01:10:39,970
If not...I'll understand.
792
01:10:41,090 --> 01:10:42,790
Yeah.
793
01:10:43,710 --> 01:10:47,670
I just need a bit of time,
that's all.
794
01:10:47,750 --> 01:10:49,430
OK.
795
01:10:50,970 --> 01:10:53,090
Thanks for the fried bread.
796
01:10:54,750 --> 01:10:57,910
I'll see you...maybe?
797
01:11:15,530 --> 01:11:17,850
It WAS funny at the time!
798
01:11:17,850 --> 01:11:21,190
Del didn't seem to think so!
Well, he WOULDN'T!
799
01:11:23,010 --> 01:11:29,590
Del's been taking it very well.
We wouldn't know.
We ain't seen him!
800
01:11:29,590 --> 01:11:37,570
He's had some thinking to do -
a decision to make. Whether to pay
the bill for the strippergram?!
801
01:11:37,570 --> 01:11:40,250
You're bang out of order...!
802
01:11:47,470 --> 01:11:50,110
'Morning, all.
803
01:11:50,110 --> 01:11:54,210
Same again for Rodney,
Singapore Sling for me,
804
01:11:54,210 --> 01:11:59,810
small rum for Elton John over there
and one for yourself. Cheers, Del.
805
01:12:03,510 --> 01:12:11,270
So...? What are you doing? Well...
I've been thinking about her
all night last night, Rodney.
806
01:12:11,270 --> 01:12:18,770
She's had a tough life. Her old man
was rough and the other blokes
she's known were no better.
807
01:12:18,770 --> 01:12:23,030
She's had nothing but bad luck...
Then she met me.
808
01:12:24,850 --> 01:12:27,670
Bloody 'ell! Life's a bitch, eh?
809
01:12:30,410 --> 01:12:34,890
That is when her luck CHANGED,
Rodney!
810
01:12:34,890 --> 01:12:37,730
Oh! Yeah, that's what I meant.
811
01:12:37,730 --> 01:12:44,590
Of course,
I've always been bad luck to women.
No, you ain't! No, I have!
812
01:12:44,590 --> 01:12:50,150
I was thinking back last night
to all the birds that I've known.
813
01:12:50,150 --> 01:12:54,950
Yeah... I've brought 'em all
nothing but bad luck.
814
01:12:56,670 --> 01:12:58,950
I'm a bit like that Little Joe.
815
01:13:00,130 --> 01:13:04,170
Little Joe?
You know, in Bonanza - Little Joe.
816
01:13:04,170 --> 01:13:07,490
You ain't, Del.
You're nothing like him!
817
01:13:07,490 --> 01:13:12,070
Not in LOOKS!
I mean, he's an ugly-looking git!
818
01:13:12,070 --> 01:13:18,790
But I mean, when you watch Bonanza
and Little Joe falls in love
with a woman,
819
01:13:18,790 --> 01:13:21,530
you know she is gonna die!
820
01:13:21,530 --> 01:13:26,610
As soon as he starts stronging it
with a sort, you can guarantee
821
01:13:26,610 --> 01:13:33,790
she's gonna catch a fever,
get trampled in a stampede
or the Indians are gonna 'ave her!
822
01:13:33,790 --> 01:13:36,530
That's not gonna happen to Raquel!
823
01:13:36,530 --> 01:13:41,690
I know it won't. I thought about it
last night and I thought to myself,
824
01:13:41,690 --> 01:13:47,250
whatever happens, Raquel is NOT
going to end up full of arrows!
825
01:13:47,250 --> 01:13:52,330
I thought I'd have a quick livener
and then go round to her flat.
826
01:13:52,330 --> 01:13:57,530
Well done, Del! You stuff what
the others think, eh? Right, bruv!
827
01:13:57,530 --> 01:14:02,570
Thank you, Rodney. You stuck by me.
You're a diamond! Oh, get off!
828
01:14:02,570 --> 01:14:05,110
I'll never forget that.
829
01:14:06,170 --> 01:14:11,350
You did laugh at the time, though.
Yeah, but I didn't know who it was!
830
01:14:12,470 --> 01:14:20,090
So this is all serious stuff, then?
Well, no. We're not talking about
marriage or even living together.
831
01:14:20,090 --> 01:14:25,590
It's just that...well...we're just
gonna BE there for each other.
832
01:14:27,070 --> 01:14:29,590
Cheers, Rodney.
833
01:14:29,590 --> 01:14:32,150
All the best, Del. Cheers.
834
01:14:41,730 --> 01:14:46,090
You can imagine -
I felt like a right dipstick!
835
01:14:46,090 --> 01:14:51,830
I know we all 'ad a laugh, Del, but
no offence was meant. None taken.
836
01:14:51,830 --> 01:14:56,010
Albert's been threatening
to get even with you!
837
01:14:56,010 --> 01:14:59,010
Del won't eat a thing Albert cooks!
838
01:15:00,610 --> 01:15:04,350
Take that rum over for him, Rodney.
Right.
839
01:15:05,370 --> 01:15:10,430
Look at the time! I'm supposed
to be round Raquel's by noon.
840
01:15:10,430 --> 01:15:14,550
Give 'er my love, will yer?
I will, Mike. Cheers.
841
01:15:14,550 --> 01:15:18,570
There you go, Albert.
Has he decided?
842
01:15:18,570 --> 01:15:21,890
He's going round to her flat. Good.
843
01:15:21,890 --> 01:15:26,930
She wouldn't have been happy
touring round the Middle East.
844
01:15:26,930 --> 01:15:33,350
Did I tell you about my time
in Cairo? You must have, Albert.
You must have!
845
01:15:36,790 --> 01:15:39,810
Oh, ga-a-awd!
846
01:15:39,810 --> 01:15:42,910
What's up?! I gotta go! I gotta go!
847
01:15:45,850 --> 01:15:48,650
Blimey, you wanna clean your pipes!
848
01:15:48,650 --> 01:15:52,170
It's gone right through him,
that has!
849
01:15:52,170 --> 01:15:54,970
Anyway, I must be off. I'll see ya.
850
01:15:54,970 --> 01:15:57,730
Ta-ta. Is your name Trotter?
851
01:15:58,770 --> 01:16:01,750
Yes, that's my name. That's me.
852
01:16:01,750 --> 01:16:08,290
Is that your yellow van
out there? With "Trotter"
written on it(?) Yes.
853
01:16:08,290 --> 01:16:13,270
Two weeks ago a similar van
shot the lights at Lewisham Hill.
854
01:16:13,270 --> 01:16:18,230
We're questioning the owners
of all such vehicles.
855
01:16:18,230 --> 01:16:23,990
O-o-oh, well! Look no FURTHER,
officers. It was me!
856
01:16:23,990 --> 01:16:27,230
It's a fair cop. I dunnit!
857
01:16:34,130 --> 01:16:36,950
You disappoint me, Uncle!
858
01:16:38,470 --> 01:16:42,570
Either you're not taking this
very seriously
859
01:16:42,570 --> 01:16:47,490
or you don't understand
the implications of your statement!
860
01:16:47,490 --> 01:16:51,130
I'm in a hurry.
Can we get on with it?
861
01:16:51,130 --> 01:16:55,330
What do you mean?
Come on, get 'em off!
862
01:17:07,710 --> 01:17:12,770
I thought you'd 'ave come up
with something more original!
863
01:17:12,770 --> 01:17:17,790
It's got nothing to do with me!
If it wasn't, what...?
864
01:17:21,130 --> 01:17:24,950
Oh, my gawd!
Nick him!
865
01:17:37,930 --> 01:17:41,350
No, please!
I'm meeting someone at noon!
866
01:17:41,350 --> 01:17:44,370
That's right -
our desk sergeant!
867
01:17:44,370 --> 01:17:46,950
You two will get on well!
868
01:17:56,630 --> 01:18:02,070
Look, can you take me round
to Herrington Road? Turn left...
869
01:18:05,010 --> 01:18:08,070
Oh, thanks very much, PAL(!)
870
01:18:22,210 --> 01:18:26,310
Can I make a phone call?
You're allowed one.
871
01:18:26,310 --> 01:18:29,130
What's the time? Twenty to one.
872
01:18:29,130 --> 01:18:33,570
Oh, terrific(!) You don't know
the code for Addis Ababa, do you?
873
01:18:39,130 --> 01:18:41,250
# We've got some half price
cracked ice
874
01:18:41,250 --> 01:18:42,930
# Miles and miles of carpet tiles
875
01:18:42,930 --> 01:18:44,390
# TVs, deep freeze
876
01:18:44,390 --> 01:18:46,070
# And David Bowie LPs
877
01:18:46,070 --> 01:18:48,970
# Ball games, gold chains
what's names, leather goods
878
01:18:48,970 --> 01:18:50,470
# Trevor Francis tracksuits
879
01:18:50,470 --> 01:18:55,030
# From a mush in Shepherds Bush
Bush bush bush bush bush bush bush
880
01:18:55,030 --> 01:18:57,890
# No income tax, no VAT
881
01:18:57,890 --> 01:19:01,010
# No money back, no guarantee
882
01:19:01,010 --> 01:19:04,030
# Black or white, rich or poor
883
01:19:04,030 --> 01:19:08,530
# We'll cut prices at a stro-o-oke!
884
01:19:08,530 --> 01:19:11,570
# God bless Hooky Street
885
01:19:11,570 --> 01:19:14,850
# Viva Hooky Street
886
01:19:14,850 --> 01:19:17,890
# Long live Hooky Street!
887
01:19:17,890 --> 01:19:21,110
# C'est magnifique, Hooky Street
888
01:19:21,110 --> 01:19:24,130
# Magnifique, Hooky Street
889
01:19:24,130 --> 01:19:26,750
# Hooky Street... #
890
01:19:26,750 --> 01:19:30,110
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
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