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1
00:00:04,007 --> 00:00:07,477
# Stick a pony in me pocket
2
00:00:07,647 --> 00:00:11,196
# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
3
00:00:11,367 --> 00:00:15,326
# 'Cause if you want the best 'uns
but you don't ask questions
4
00:00:15,487 --> 00:00:19,082
# Then, brother, I'm your man
5
00:00:19,247 --> 00:00:22,398
# 'Cause where it all comes from
is a mystery
6
00:00:22,567 --> 00:00:26,560
# It's like the changing of the seasons
and the tides of the sea
7
00:00:26,727 --> 00:00:30,322
# But here's the one
what's driving me berserk
8
00:00:30,487 --> 00:00:33,923
# Why do only fools and horses work? #
9
00:00:44,407 --> 00:00:49,561
Look at the quality.
That is the titmus test, the quality.
10
00:00:49,727 --> 00:00:53,003
These are handmade from Indonesian steel.
11
00:00:53,167 --> 00:00:55,317
They've got an ivory-effect handle
12
00:00:55,487 --> 00:01:00,641
and they come in a genuine
synthetic leather lookalike case.
13
00:01:00,807 --> 00:01:04,959
These canteens of cutlery
are a very exclusive line.
14
00:01:05,127 --> 00:01:10,247
You can only buy these in Harrods,
Liberty and Patel's Multi-Mart.
15
00:01:10,407 --> 00:01:13,638
Take a look at that.
What can't speak can't lie.
16
00:01:13,807 --> 00:01:17,356
Put your binoculars away.
I can tell you what it says.
17
00:01:17,527 --> 00:01:22,396
"Manufacturer's recommended retail price,
L42.99."
18
00:01:22,567 --> 00:01:25,001
- You could have printed them.
- What?
19
00:01:25,167 --> 00:01:29,479
- You could have printed them yourself.
- Do I look like Rupert Maxwell?
20
00:01:31,967 --> 00:01:36,165
Before I tell you how much I want
for this wonderful cutlery,
21
00:01:36,327 --> 00:01:40,479
I want anyone of a nervous disposition
or a weak heart to move along.
22
00:01:40,647 --> 00:01:46,119
I do not want to be held responsible
as I'm only insured for third party, fire and theft.
23
00:01:46,287 --> 00:01:50,405
Here we go. Listen to me.
A 36-piece canteen of cutlery,
24
00:01:50,567 --> 00:01:53,957
made in Indonesia,
genuine synthetic leather case,
25
00:01:54,127 --> 00:01:57,437
manufacturer's recommended retail price L42.99.
26
00:01:57,607 --> 00:02:01,600
Yours for - first come, first served -
L3.50!
27
00:02:01,767 --> 00:02:05,840
- (GRoANING)
- What d'you mean?
28
00:02:06,007 --> 00:02:08,726
You'll not get a bargain like this again.
29
00:02:08,887 --> 00:02:12,482
- I bet we don't get guarantees.
- Yes, you do get a guarantee.
30
00:02:13,207 --> 00:02:16,643
Go away and annoy someone else
for a month or two.
31
00:02:17,327 --> 00:02:21,718
- Hello.
- Hello. This your first day in the market?
32
00:02:21,887 --> 00:02:26,358
- Mm. First day.
- I thought I hadn't seen you here before.
33
00:02:28,407 --> 00:02:31,399
- This all your own work?
- Mm. Afraid so.
34
00:02:31,567 --> 00:02:33,717
No. It's really good.
35
00:02:33,887 --> 00:02:37,004
Do you think so? It's awfully sweet of you.
36
00:02:38,007 --> 00:02:40,805
I'm an artist. I went away to college for a while.
37
00:02:40,967 --> 00:02:45,836
Really? I was at the Milan School of Art
for two years, then at the Sorbonne.
38
00:02:46,007 --> 00:02:48,202
- Where were you?
- Basingstoke.
39
00:02:49,647 --> 00:02:53,435
Basingstoke? I don't think I've heard of it.
40
00:02:53,607 --> 00:02:58,476
- It's a big town in Hampshire.
- I meant the Basingstoke College of Art.
41
00:02:58,647 --> 00:03:01,923
Oh. It's quite famous.
42
00:03:02,087 --> 00:03:06,603
Well, in Basingstoke.
By the way, my name is Rodney.
43
00:03:06,767 --> 00:03:10,237
Victoria. Well... vicky.
44
00:03:10,407 --> 00:03:12,477
Make your neighbours jealous.
45
00:03:12,647 --> 00:03:16,356
Only the finest steel
goes into making this premier cutlery,
46
00:03:16,527 --> 00:03:19,997
producing the sharpest cutting edge ever.
47
00:03:20,167 --> 00:03:22,727
Yeah. But how do we know that?
48
00:03:23,607 --> 00:03:26,599
Run your wrist down the blade
and you'll find out.
49
00:03:26,767 --> 00:03:31,887
- All right, Delboy?
- All right. All right, Trig?
50
00:03:32,047 --> 00:03:36,165
I'd rather have shingles than these.
You can get rid of shingles.
51
00:03:36,327 --> 00:03:38,795
- How are things with you?
- Known it worst.
52
00:03:38,967 --> 00:03:41,162
Have you? I haven't.
53
00:03:41,327 --> 00:03:46,606
Listen to me. I'll let you have 'em at three
quid a box. You know it makes sense.
54
00:03:46,767 --> 00:03:49,804
Three quid? I'll have one of them, Del.
55
00:03:56,287 --> 00:04:00,803
- What do you mean?
- Three pounds? They're a bargain.
56
00:04:00,967 --> 00:04:06,519
Trigger, those are the ones
that you sold me last week for a nicker each.
57
00:04:07,687 --> 00:04:11,726
No. They ain't the same.
Mine didn't have them on.
58
00:04:13,247 --> 00:04:18,002
I don't believe him. All right, listen.
I gotta get rid of this stuff 'cause...
59
00:04:20,567 --> 00:04:25,641
Away you go, everyone. Before you get
your collars felt. Away you go.
60
00:04:30,967 --> 00:04:34,403
Look at that stupid little dipstick!
61
00:04:38,847 --> 00:04:41,486
Trigger, quick. Listen.
62
00:04:41,647 --> 00:04:43,638
Just do exactly as I say.
63
00:04:45,247 --> 00:04:49,399
You are looking for the Hilton Hotel?
64
00:04:49,567 --> 00:04:52,525
Si. Hilton Hotel.
65
00:04:52,687 --> 00:04:56,999
- Turn left at the top of the road.
- Si.
66
00:04:57,167 --> 00:05:00,842
- And you'll see a bus stop.
- Si.
67
00:05:01,007 --> 00:05:05,876
Take the 159 to Park Lane
68
00:05:06,607 --> 00:05:11,965
and that is where the Hilton Hotel is.
69
00:05:12,127 --> 00:05:15,324
Oh. Si. Danke schön. Bonsoir.
70
00:05:21,487 --> 00:05:25,480
Don't get many tourists round this way,
eh, officer?
71
00:05:25,647 --> 00:05:31,119
No. Especially tourists that speak
three different languages all at once.
72
00:05:34,607 --> 00:05:36,723
- How much is that one?
- L50.
73
00:05:36,887 --> 00:05:40,926
- Oh. What about the one next to it?
- That's 85.
74
00:05:42,207 --> 00:05:46,917
Oh. Do you mind if I give you
a bit of advice, vicky?
75
00:05:47,087 --> 00:05:51,080
People round here don't pay L85
for a painting.
76
00:05:51,247 --> 00:05:53,886
People round here don't pay L85 for a car.
77
00:05:54,047 --> 00:05:57,164
But everybody has paintings in their homes.
78
00:05:57,327 --> 00:06:00,125
Yeah, but they don't get them from galleries.
79
00:06:00,287 --> 00:06:03,802
They get them
from British Home Stores and bingo.
80
00:06:03,967 --> 00:06:09,997
You've picked the wrong market.
You ought to have a crack at Portobello Road.
81
00:06:10,167 --> 00:06:15,321
Perhaps you're right. Oh, well. Nothing ventured.
82
00:06:17,247 --> 00:06:21,638
Would you be a love
and help me take this stuff back to my car?
83
00:06:21,807 --> 00:06:24,401
I'd like to, but I'm busy with my...
84
00:06:25,727 --> 00:06:30,881
oh. He must have sold out early
and gone for something to eat.
85
00:06:31,047 --> 00:06:35,325
- In that case, I'm at your service.
- That's awfully sweet of you.
86
00:06:36,167 --> 00:06:38,806
- I'm sorry. I didn't...
- Rodney.
87
00:06:38,967 --> 00:06:41,800
Wotcha, Dave.
88
00:06:42,927 --> 00:06:46,363
- My name is Rodney. He's just very thick.
- I see.
89
00:06:46,527 --> 00:06:52,318
- What line of business are you in, Rodney?
- I'm a partner in a... partnership.
90
00:06:52,487 --> 00:06:55,320
Me and my brother. We buy and sell things.
91
00:06:55,487 --> 00:07:01,756
I envy you. It must be wonderful to work
in a market. I find it very stimulating.
92
00:07:01,927 --> 00:07:06,239
It's all the hustle and bustle
and the lovely characters one sees.
93
00:07:06,407 --> 00:07:10,241
- Huh!
- I know they're not all lovely.
94
00:07:10,407 --> 00:07:14,366
Did you spot that noisy little person
selling the tatty cutlery?
95
00:07:14,527 --> 00:07:18,440
- Yeah. That's my brother.
- I'm frightfully sorry.
96
00:07:18,607 --> 00:07:22,361
- When I said noisy, I didn't...
- No. He is noisy.
97
00:07:22,527 --> 00:07:28,636
He's always been noisy. But he's as good
as gold, really. I sort of look after him.
98
00:07:28,807 --> 00:07:34,040
- I haven't got any brothers or sisters.
- No? Do you want him?
99
00:07:34,207 --> 00:07:36,516
No, thank you.
100
00:07:36,687 --> 00:07:39,201
Here's the old crate.
101
00:07:39,367 --> 00:07:42,359
Nice car.
102
00:07:42,527 --> 00:07:47,681
- I got it for a birthday present.
- Yeah? I got a Nik Kershaw LP.
103
00:07:55,727 --> 00:07:59,322
I'm off for something to eat.
I'll see you around.
104
00:07:59,487 --> 00:08:03,765
- Where do you lunch?
- I usually go down the Fatty Thumb.
105
00:08:03,927 --> 00:08:06,805
- The Fatty Thumb?
- It's Sid's Caff, really.
106
00:08:06,967 --> 00:08:11,006
- We call it that out of affection.
- May I join you?
107
00:08:12,047 --> 00:08:14,641
You? At the Fatty Thumb?
108
00:08:14,807 --> 00:08:16,877
I don't think you'd like it, victoria.
109
00:08:17,047 --> 00:08:20,244
It's all steam and bacteria. It's horrible.
110
00:08:20,407 --> 00:08:25,356
You know, Rodney, I get the feeling
you're an inverted snob. Come on.
111
00:08:25,527 --> 00:08:28,246
I'll chauffeur you down there.
112
00:08:30,167 --> 00:08:32,317
You won't like it, victoria.
113
00:08:33,327 --> 00:08:35,636
I don't like it and I'm a regular.
114
00:08:36,567 --> 00:08:39,957
- Pie and chips.
- Egg, bubble, beans twice?
115
00:08:40,127 --> 00:08:43,437
There you go, Rodney. Don't forget your teas.
116
00:08:43,607 --> 00:08:47,236
Two dripping toast.
Bacon and egg and a slice.
117
00:08:55,647 --> 00:09:00,118
- Here we go, then, vicky.
- I think it's absolutely lovely in here.
118
00:09:01,967 --> 00:09:03,958
Yes. Good, innit?
119
00:09:04,127 --> 00:09:06,277
This machine's broke again, Sid.
120
00:09:06,447 --> 00:09:10,360
If you didn't tilt the soddin' thing,
it wouldn't break.
121
00:09:11,487 --> 00:09:14,638
- You're not from round Peckham way?
- No.
122
00:09:14,807 --> 00:09:21,519
I was born and raised up in Berkshire.
I've been in London for about three months.
123
00:09:21,687 --> 00:09:24,042
- Have you always lived here?
- Always.
124
00:09:24,207 --> 00:09:29,759
I've been wanting to live in London for ages.
Berkshire's so boring.
125
00:09:29,927 --> 00:09:33,363
Boring Berkshire, I call it.
126
00:09:33,527 --> 00:09:37,918
I wanted to be near the art galleries.
I suppose you're always in them?
127
00:09:38,087 --> 00:09:40,806
Not always, no.
128
00:09:40,967 --> 00:09:44,516
I did go to the National Gallery
a couple of weeks back.
129
00:09:44,687 --> 00:09:47,997
I suddenly realised -
and I am ashamed to admit it -
130
00:09:48,167 --> 00:09:52,957
that I've never
actually seen the da vinci cartoon.
131
00:09:53,127 --> 00:09:56,403
I haven't seen it either.
132
00:09:57,287 --> 00:09:59,801
What did you think of it?
133
00:09:59,967 --> 00:10:05,087
- They were shut. But I am going back.
- Why don't we go together?
134
00:10:06,527 --> 00:10:08,836
- Yeah. Cushty.
- Cushty?
135
00:10:09,007 --> 00:10:12,238
Yeah. It means wonderful, t'riffic.
136
00:10:12,407 --> 00:10:15,319
How frightfully Albert Square.
137
00:10:15,487 --> 00:10:17,603
Shall we say tomorrow at noon?
138
00:10:17,767 --> 00:10:22,841
- I might not get time off work.
- I thought you said you were a partner.
139
00:10:25,247 --> 00:10:28,842
Yeah... I am a partner, yeah.
140
00:10:29,847 --> 00:10:32,884
All right. I'll give myself the day off.
141
00:10:33,927 --> 00:10:36,077
- Tomorrow at noon.
- Cushty.
142
00:10:39,727 --> 00:10:42,036
Do you like opera, Rodney?
143
00:10:42,207 --> 00:10:45,802
- Course you do. I can tell.
- Yeah.
144
00:10:45,967 --> 00:10:50,245
There's a gala performance of "Carmen"
at the Theatre Royal next week.
145
00:10:50,407 --> 00:10:55,003
I've tried everywhere to get tickets,
but it's absolutely impossible.
146
00:10:55,167 --> 00:10:57,044
Yeah, I know.
147
00:10:59,927 --> 00:11:02,521
I hope you don't mind me saying this,
148
00:11:02,687 --> 00:11:06,965
but I didn't really think Peckham
would be your scene.
149
00:11:07,127 --> 00:11:11,040
No. I absolutely adore this area.
150
00:11:11,207 --> 00:11:14,358
It's so rough and raw and vibrant.
151
00:11:15,367 --> 00:11:18,359
I saw a woman spit yesterday.
152
00:11:19,367 --> 00:11:26,239
You see, I was brought up in this tiny
community in the wilds of boring Berkshire.
153
00:11:26,407 --> 00:11:33,324
My world was one of nannies and live-in tutors,
gymkhanas and village fetes.
154
00:11:33,487 --> 00:11:39,483
I didn't realise there was a real world
until I decided to make art my life.
155
00:11:39,647 --> 00:11:44,926
My mother was a painter.
She had work exhibited at the Royal Academy.
156
00:11:45,087 --> 00:11:48,284
No? Oh, mega!
157
00:11:48,447 --> 00:11:52,201
The Royal Academy? Does she still paint?
158
00:11:53,087 --> 00:11:56,477
- No.
- Have I said something wrong?
159
00:11:56,647 --> 00:12:01,801
She died when I was 12.
A skiing accident in Austria.
160
00:12:02,927 --> 00:12:07,284
I'm really sorry, vicky.
I know how much that must have hurt you.
161
00:12:07,447 --> 00:12:10,120
- I don't think so, Rodney.
- Oh, yeah, I do.
162
00:12:10,287 --> 00:12:13,120
Same thing happened to me when I was five.
163
00:12:14,167 --> 00:12:17,045
Poor Rodney. How absolutely awful for you.
164
00:12:19,807 --> 00:12:21,798
Where was your mother skiing?
165
00:12:23,167 --> 00:12:29,561
No, Mum weren't skiing.
Mum didn't do a lot of skiing.
166
00:12:29,727 --> 00:12:32,002
She just had something wrong with her.
167
00:12:32,167 --> 00:12:33,919
I see. Sorry.
168
00:12:35,967 --> 00:12:39,243
Lord, look at the time.
I must dash or they start worrying.
169
00:12:39,407 --> 00:12:41,921
- Who do?
- Special Branch.
170
00:12:44,807 --> 00:12:48,846
- Special Branch?
- Yes. It's all incredibly tedious.
171
00:12:49,007 --> 00:12:52,363
They have to protect us. Well, Daddy mainly.
172
00:12:52,527 --> 00:12:56,076
- What is he, a supergrass?
- No, silly.
173
00:12:56,247 --> 00:13:01,367
He's... It's terribly boring.
He's the Duke of Maylebury.
174
00:13:04,647 --> 00:13:08,799
- The Duke of Maylebury?
- I said it was terribly boring.
175
00:13:08,967 --> 00:13:12,403
I must dash. See you tomorrow at the National?
176
00:13:14,327 --> 00:13:17,399
- Yeah.
- Cushty. Ciao.
177
00:13:25,287 --> 00:13:27,118
Maylebury...
178
00:13:28,247 --> 00:13:30,238
Mayle... Maylebury!
179
00:13:40,127 --> 00:13:42,561
(ALBERT) You could have left it.
180
00:13:42,727 --> 00:13:48,120
(DEL) Leave it out, Albert.
You done more whining than a spin dryer!
181
00:13:48,287 --> 00:13:52,280
Rodney's back.
Someone must have paid the ransom.
182
00:13:53,767 --> 00:13:56,520
Hm! Where have you been?
183
00:13:56,687 --> 00:13:58,837
- The library.
- What for?
184
00:13:59,847 --> 00:14:04,637
To see if my shoes was done.
Why do you think I went? To get a book.
185
00:14:05,367 --> 00:14:09,645
"Burke's." Teach yourself book, is it?
186
00:14:09,807 --> 00:14:13,402
It is a genealogical
and heraldic history of British peers.
187
00:14:13,567 --> 00:14:16,798
You ain't gonna get no wages this week.
188
00:14:16,967 --> 00:14:23,156
Oi, come on, Del. That bird I was talking to,
I said I'd take her out and I'm potless.
189
00:14:23,327 --> 00:14:26,876
- That's your problem.
- Thanks a bunch.
190
00:14:27,047 --> 00:14:31,040
That's embarrassing with her
coming from a moneyed background.
191
00:14:31,207 --> 00:14:34,005
It's a tough world... What do you mean?
192
00:14:35,047 --> 00:14:38,801
- Her old man's very wealthy.
- Is he? What's his game?
193
00:14:38,967 --> 00:14:45,520
- Promise me it'll go no further.
- Of course not. Just between us two.
194
00:14:45,687 --> 00:14:48,599
Have you heard of the Duke of Maylebury?
195
00:14:50,287 --> 00:14:53,484
The Duke of...? Leave it out, you twonk!
196
00:14:53,647 --> 00:14:57,117
- It's God's honest truth, Del.
- No.
197
00:14:57,287 --> 00:15:00,279
Cross my heart and hope to die.
198
00:15:00,447 --> 00:15:03,405
That little girl...? Her daddy...?
199
00:15:03,567 --> 00:15:07,082
- Honest. It's for real.
- Bloody hell.
200
00:15:07,247 --> 00:15:11,081
- It's our secret.
- Course it is. Did you hear that, Albert?
201
00:15:12,087 --> 00:15:15,159
You know that sort Rodney's been chatting up?
202
00:15:15,327 --> 00:15:18,364
- What about her?
- Her father owns a pub.
203
00:15:18,527 --> 00:15:20,961
You're pulling my leg.
204
00:15:21,127 --> 00:15:24,642
No. The Duke of Maylebury's over Nunhead way.
205
00:15:24,807 --> 00:15:30,439
No. Listen. He don't own the Duke of Maylebury.
He is the Duke of Maylebury.
206
00:15:30,607 --> 00:15:35,601
- He's nobility. A peer of the realm.
- Leave it out, Rodders.
207
00:15:35,767 --> 00:15:38,725
I've seen a picture of the Duke of Maylebury.
208
00:15:38,887 --> 00:15:43,119
He owns that horse, Hansom Samson,
second favourite for the Derby.
209
00:15:43,287 --> 00:15:48,077
That girl looks nothing like him.
She looks like the horse, maybe.
210
00:15:48,247 --> 00:15:53,241
- She's no more nobility than you are.
- No? Have a look at that, then.
211
00:15:55,087 --> 00:15:59,524
- I don't believe it. That's the girl.
- Which one?
212
00:15:59,687 --> 00:16:06,035
The one without the top hat on.
She's standing next to Princess Anne at a rodeo.
213
00:16:06,207 --> 00:16:11,235
They're in here an' all. Her father
is a second cousin to the Queen.
214
00:16:11,407 --> 00:16:15,161
- (WHISTLES)
- Vicky's in here an' all. Here.
215
00:16:15,327 --> 00:16:19,445
Her proper title
is Lady victoria Marsham Hales.
216
00:16:19,607 --> 00:16:26,046
"Only child of Sir Henry Marsham,
KBE, Mvo, MC and Bar.
217
00:16:26,207 --> 00:16:29,324
"14th Duke of Maylebury.
218
00:16:29,487 --> 00:16:34,277
"Family home: Covington House,
Upper Stansmere, Berkshire."
219
00:16:37,127 --> 00:16:40,164
- You ain't had a go at her?
- No, I ain't.
220
00:16:40,327 --> 00:16:45,481
You keep your mitts off her. We'll have
her mother here throwing royal prerogatives.
221
00:16:45,647 --> 00:16:49,356
Her mum died in a skiing accident
nine years ago.
222
00:16:49,527 --> 00:16:54,885
Answer me this. If she's a titled lady,
what's she going out with him for?
223
00:16:55,047 --> 00:16:58,323
- He's giving me the right hump.
- It's all right.
224
00:16:58,487 --> 00:17:02,116
Albert, Rodney's got some very nice qualities.
225
00:17:02,287 --> 00:17:07,998
She may have been smitten
by his rakish charms or his boyish good looks.
226
00:17:08,167 --> 00:17:13,116
Or she could be a posh tart
fancying a bit of scrag. You never can tell.
227
00:17:16,207 --> 00:17:19,643
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
228
00:17:19,807 --> 00:17:22,367
I've got it now.
229
00:17:22,527 --> 00:17:26,440
It's a well known fact
that every three or four hundred years,
230
00:17:26,607 --> 00:17:32,364
the aristocracy have to bring in a bit of
common stock to water the blue blood down.
231
00:17:32,527 --> 00:17:34,757
And they can't do better than that?
232
00:17:34,927 --> 00:17:38,283
- I'm gonna crack him round the head.
- No, no.
233
00:17:38,447 --> 00:17:43,840
Listen. I bet you her old man has told her
to find herself a husband
234
00:17:44,007 --> 00:17:46,123
and Rodney's in the frame.
235
00:17:46,287 --> 00:17:48,482
Rodney, ask her to marry you.
236
00:17:48,647 --> 00:17:51,480
Ma...? I don't want to get married.
237
00:17:51,647 --> 00:17:54,684
Just think about it for a minute, will you?
238
00:17:54,847 --> 00:17:57,236
Think of all the advantages.
239
00:17:57,407 --> 00:18:01,685
That vicky is the sole heiress
of the Maylebury fortunes.
240
00:18:01,847 --> 00:18:06,716
She's got no brothers or sisters and
the old girl popped her clogs on the giant slalom.
241
00:18:06,887 --> 00:18:11,119
So when the old Duke says bonsoir
to this mortal "curl",
242
00:18:11,287 --> 00:18:15,360
she'll become the Duchess,
and you know what that means.
243
00:18:15,527 --> 00:18:17,119
What?
244
00:18:17,287 --> 00:18:21,644
Albert, come here.
I want you to remember this moment.
245
00:18:21,807 --> 00:18:25,595
We could be looking
at the future Duke of Maylebury.
246
00:18:26,967 --> 00:18:31,438
- He don't look like a peer of the realm.
- Not at the moment.
247
00:18:31,607 --> 00:18:34,360
Stick a coronet on his head,
he's a dead ringer.
248
00:18:34,527 --> 00:18:36,483
I don't wanna be a duke.
249
00:18:36,647 --> 00:18:40,560
Think of the advantages.
You'll be in the House of Lords.
250
00:18:40,727 --> 00:18:44,037
We can watch you on the telly having a kip.
251
00:18:44,207 --> 00:18:50,362
I don't believe it. Me and vicky...
we're more mates than anything else.
252
00:18:50,527 --> 00:18:53,166
We have one mutual interest. Art.
253
00:18:53,327 --> 00:18:58,321
Other than that, we're worlds apart.
She wants us to go to the opera.
254
00:18:58,487 --> 00:19:01,843
- Why, what's on?
- "Carmen". It's a gala performance.
255
00:19:02,767 --> 00:19:07,204
- Why don't you take her?
- I don't know about operas.
256
00:19:07,367 --> 00:19:10,484
Besides, it's impossible to get tickets.
257
00:19:10,647 --> 00:19:14,765
If you want tickets,
you shall have tickets, Cinders.
258
00:19:14,927 --> 00:19:19,239
- How?
- From Limpy Lionel the ticket tout.
259
00:19:19,407 --> 00:19:22,365
Gonna cost, Del.
260
00:19:22,527 --> 00:19:27,681
What does money matter
compared with little Rodney's happiness?
261
00:19:28,647 --> 00:19:34,961
(vlCKY) I still don't understand how
you managed it. Even Daddy couldn't get tickets.
262
00:19:35,127 --> 00:19:40,679
It was nothing, really.
I have, let's just say, contacts.
263
00:19:48,407 --> 00:19:50,398
I hope they're not forgeries.
264
00:19:55,847 --> 00:19:57,883
- Good evening, Lady victoria.
- Hello.
265
00:19:58,047 --> 00:19:59,639
Thank you, sir.
266
00:20:05,127 --> 00:20:07,482
Thank you. Have a nice evening.
267
00:20:08,367 --> 00:20:11,484
Oh. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you very much.
268
00:20:11,647 --> 00:20:14,115
I'll get us a programme.
269
00:20:18,687 --> 00:20:22,236
- Two programmes, please.
- Eight pounds, sir.
270
00:20:31,127 --> 00:20:35,040
Rodney, I know you'll think
I'm a frightful old bore,
271
00:20:35,207 --> 00:20:41,646
but you know you've invited me to a soccer
match on Saturday? I have to cancel.
272
00:20:41,807 --> 00:20:45,356
Oh. That's no problem, vicky.
273
00:20:45,527 --> 00:20:49,964
I must go home. Daddy's invited
a few friends down for the weekend -
274
00:20:50,127 --> 00:20:54,006
a shoot and then dinner -
and I simply have to be there.
275
00:20:54,167 --> 00:20:58,558
- I'm the lady of the house.
- That's all right. I understand.
276
00:21:00,447 --> 00:21:03,519
Would you like to join us? As my guest.
277
00:21:04,527 --> 00:21:08,122
Oh. Um... Well...
278
00:21:08,287 --> 00:21:13,077
You could stay overnight
and on Sunday I'll take you for lunch at our local.
279
00:21:15,767 --> 00:21:20,238
- Yes. Thank you, vicky. I'd love to.
- That's super.
280
00:21:28,487 --> 00:21:31,877
- Drink?
- A very dry white wine and soda, please.
281
00:21:32,047 --> 00:21:34,515
I won't be a minute.
282
00:21:40,727 --> 00:21:44,766
Could I have
two very dry white wine and sodas?
283
00:21:50,047 --> 00:21:52,402
(DEL WHISTLES) Rodney!
284
00:21:52,567 --> 00:21:54,239
Rodders.
285
00:21:54,407 --> 00:21:57,205
Excuse me, darling.
286
00:21:57,367 --> 00:22:00,962
I was getting a bit worried.
The old time was creeping on.
287
00:22:01,127 --> 00:22:04,278
All right, darling? It's a good 'un tonight.
288
00:22:04,447 --> 00:22:08,520
Oi, John! When you've finished your break,
can we have some service?
289
00:22:08,687 --> 00:22:12,396
- Del, he is already serving me.
- Is he? Right.
290
00:22:12,567 --> 00:22:15,525
Oi. Cuba Libre for moi. All right?
291
00:22:15,687 --> 00:22:20,920
- What the bloody hell are you doing here?
- That's charming, that is.
292
00:22:21,967 --> 00:22:26,643
There were four tickets up for grabs
and you know I love a bit of opera.
293
00:22:26,807 --> 00:22:30,686
You? The only opera you've ever seen
was "Tommy" on video.
294
00:22:33,647 --> 00:22:36,036
Victoria, this is my brother Derek.
295
00:22:36,207 --> 00:22:39,244
- Hello. How nice to meet you.
- And you.
296
00:22:39,407 --> 00:22:43,798
And may I say how particularly lovely
you are looking tonight.
297
00:22:43,967 --> 00:22:48,199
Thank you. I didn't realise
you were going to be joining us.
298
00:22:48,367 --> 00:22:52,565
- Yes. There were four tickets...
- And I bought them all.
299
00:22:52,727 --> 00:22:57,881
Yes. Rodney bought them all.
He's generous to a fault.
300
00:22:58,047 --> 00:22:59,685
Cheers.
301
00:23:02,447 --> 00:23:05,484
- I don't believe it.
- What don't you believe?
302
00:23:05,647 --> 00:23:12,564
This is the Theatre Royal, Drury Lane,
and somebody has ordered a kissogram.
303
00:23:12,727 --> 00:23:15,321
- Never! Where?
- There.
304
00:23:18,847 --> 00:23:23,398
- You saucy git. That's my bird.
- It ain't? Del, it ain't?
305
00:23:23,567 --> 00:23:27,685
It's Juney. She lives over in Zimbabwe House.
306
00:23:27,847 --> 00:23:33,205
- I used to go out with her daughter.
- Don't worry. She won't say a word.
307
00:23:34,447 --> 00:23:38,360
(WHISTLES) Juney! Here, girl.
308
00:23:38,527 --> 00:23:42,805
I weren't sure where you'd got to.
Them khazis ain't 'alf posh.
309
00:23:42,967 --> 00:23:45,481
You always go to the best places with me.
310
00:23:46,527 --> 00:23:50,236
Allow me to introduce you.
311
00:23:50,407 --> 00:23:54,798
Lady victoria,
I want you to meet June Snell.
312
00:23:54,967 --> 00:23:57,435
- Good evening, June.
- Hello. You all right?
313
00:24:00,167 --> 00:24:03,045
Lady victoria, remember?
314
00:24:03,207 --> 00:24:05,038
Oh, yeah.
315
00:24:06,807 --> 00:24:10,243
It's a great pleasure to meet you, ma'am.
316
00:24:15,007 --> 00:24:18,044
Oh, no, please... It really isn't necessary.
317
00:24:18,207 --> 00:24:23,076
No, no. Juney likes to keep herself
in perspective, don't you?
318
00:24:23,247 --> 00:24:27,399
- Yeah. I think it's best.
- You know Rodney, don't ya?
319
00:24:27,567 --> 00:24:29,319
- Wotcha.
- Wotcha.
320
00:24:29,487 --> 00:24:32,763
He used to go out with my daughter Debby.
321
00:24:34,807 --> 00:24:37,605
So you're an opera buff, are you, June?
322
00:24:37,767 --> 00:24:43,160
I saw one on BBC2. our telly had gone funny.
It was the only channel we could get.
323
00:24:43,327 --> 00:24:47,605
- That famous foreign bloke was singing.
- Wonderful voice.
324
00:24:47,767 --> 00:24:50,440
Oh, yes. Very talented.
325
00:24:50,607 --> 00:24:55,806
- Great big fat git, weren't he?
- Couldn't half put a song across, though.
326
00:24:57,287 --> 00:25:02,077
This is my most favourite opera,
this one - "Carmen". Love it.
327
00:25:02,247 --> 00:25:05,922
# Figaro, Figaro, Figaro! #
It's wonderful.
328
00:25:06,087 --> 00:25:10,683
- That's from "The Barber of Seville".
- Of course it is.
329
00:25:10,847 --> 00:25:15,204
I dunno what's the matter with me.
I always get those two mixed up.
330
00:25:15,367 --> 00:25:18,916
Well, Carmen's a hairdryer, innit?
331
00:25:20,887 --> 00:25:23,640
- Of course it is.
- (BELL RINGS)
332
00:25:23,807 --> 00:25:27,595
- Blimey, he's rung that early.
- Yeah. We've got time for another.
333
00:25:27,767 --> 00:25:31,476
- White wine and soda. Juney?
- Benedictine and lemonade.
334
00:25:33,687 --> 00:25:38,681
Excuse me. The bell is to tell the audience
that the performance is about to begin.
335
00:25:42,047 --> 00:25:46,120
- Yeah, we knew that.
- Yeah. We knew that.
336
00:25:46,287 --> 00:25:49,836
I really think we ought to be taking our seats.
337
00:25:50,007 --> 00:25:54,523
- Right. Well... May I?
- Thank you.
338
00:25:58,607 --> 00:26:00,325
Come on.
339
00:26:04,447 --> 00:26:07,200
(SoFT SINGING IN ENGLISH)
340
00:26:11,487 --> 00:26:14,285
(SLURPING)
341
00:26:21,767 --> 00:26:24,235
It's a blindin' opera, innit?
342
00:26:24,407 --> 00:26:28,844
It's all right, I suppose.
It don't get going, does it?
343
00:26:29,967 --> 00:26:34,165
It's not supposed to get going. It's culture.
344
00:26:35,167 --> 00:26:40,560
You don't come to an opera to enjoy it,
you come 'cause it's there.
345
00:26:40,727 --> 00:26:44,083
- Oh. I didn't know that.
- Oh, yeah.
346
00:26:44,247 --> 00:26:45,965
Shh!
347
00:26:47,607 --> 00:26:52,362
- What's that about?
- I dunno. Maybe someone's talking.
348
00:26:52,527 --> 00:26:57,647
Yeah, maybe. Some people
have got no protocol, have they?
349
00:27:02,247 --> 00:27:04,477
I got a few Liquorice Allsorts.
350
00:27:04,647 --> 00:27:08,242
Have you got one
with hundreds and thousands on it?
351
00:27:08,407 --> 00:27:10,398
- Only one.
- Oh...
352
00:27:12,847 --> 00:27:14,838
Let's have a look.
353
00:27:23,647 --> 00:27:25,558
Rodney?
354
00:27:25,727 --> 00:27:29,037
- What?
- Do you want a Liquorice Allsort?
355
00:27:30,767 --> 00:27:32,405
No.
356
00:27:33,807 --> 00:27:38,358
- Vicky? Vicky.
- No, thank you.
357
00:27:40,167 --> 00:27:45,366
There's only a couple left.
We might as well finish 'em. Not that one.
358
00:27:51,327 --> 00:27:52,885
(RUSTLING)
359
00:27:59,967 --> 00:28:03,960
- Where's Del?
- He's gone out to the ice cream lady.
360
00:28:06,447 --> 00:28:07,926
Oh.
361
00:28:10,127 --> 00:28:12,846
(SINGS "HABAÒERA:
L'AMoUR EST UN olSEAU REBELLE")
362
00:28:19,327 --> 00:28:21,397
- Rodney?
- Shh!
363
00:28:25,967 --> 00:28:28,435
- Rodney?
- We're over here, Del!
364
00:28:30,687 --> 00:28:33,076
Thank you. Excuse me. Ta.
365
00:28:33,247 --> 00:28:38,082
- Thanks, girl. Excuse me. Was that your foot?
- Yes.
366
00:28:47,167 --> 00:28:49,635
- Rodney?
- What?
367
00:28:50,927 --> 00:28:53,964
- Do you want an ice cream?
- No.
368
00:28:55,327 --> 00:28:58,239
- I bought you one.
- I don't want it.
369
00:29:00,727 --> 00:29:03,036
- Vicky?
- Yes?
370
00:29:03,207 --> 00:29:07,166
- Do you want an ice cream?
- No, thank you. I don't eat ice cream.
371
00:29:07,327 --> 00:29:10,125
- I bought it for you.
- She don't eat ice cream.
372
00:29:10,287 --> 00:29:12,960
I've never liked ice cream.
373
00:29:15,607 --> 00:29:17,598
What am I supposed to do with these?
374
00:29:17,767 --> 00:29:23,239
You can stick 'em where the sun don't shine
as long as you shut up!
375
00:29:29,847 --> 00:29:32,839
I am sorry. I am so, so sorry.
376
00:29:33,007 --> 00:29:38,161
It wasn't your fault. I'm not blaming you
and you shouldn't blame yourself.
377
00:29:38,327 --> 00:29:41,364
I know, but... oh, God!
378
00:29:48,167 --> 00:29:51,318
Fresh air, madam. You'll feel as right as rain.
379
00:29:51,487 --> 00:29:53,523
Thank you, Doctor.
380
00:29:58,807 --> 00:30:04,404
The Phantom of the opera strikes again.
Not the first time someone's been sick, eh?
381
00:30:04,567 --> 00:30:07,445
I don't know.
I haven't read a history of the building.
382
00:30:08,687 --> 00:30:10,837
- Fancy a bite to eat?
- No!
383
00:30:11,007 --> 00:30:13,521
I'm really not very hungry.
384
00:30:20,327 --> 00:30:25,321
- Is everything all right, Miss victoria?
- Not really, Eric, but not to worry.
385
00:30:31,887 --> 00:30:34,879
Come on, Juney. Let's get you back home.
386
00:30:35,847 --> 00:30:41,240
I'm sorry about tonight, Delboy.
I dunno what come over me.
387
00:30:41,407 --> 00:30:43,602
Nor did the woman in front of you.
388
00:30:47,727 --> 00:30:51,242
- Is this the shop you was on about?
- Yep.
389
00:30:51,407 --> 00:30:54,160
When you said let's get clothes
for my weekend,
390
00:30:54,327 --> 00:30:58,525
I thought you meant we'd pop down
to Soul Bros in Balham.
391
00:30:58,687 --> 00:31:01,724
I didn't realise I'd have to dress like a wally.
392
00:31:01,887 --> 00:31:05,562
I'm not having you
going to Covington House
393
00:31:05,727 --> 00:31:09,037
decked out like a Bob Geldof lookalike!
394
00:31:09,207 --> 00:31:12,085
Have you had a look at yourself recently?
395
00:31:12,247 --> 00:31:14,807
I've seen wounds dressed better than you.
396
00:31:14,967 --> 00:31:19,483
I'm not having anyone look down on you.
You're as good as them.
397
00:31:19,647 --> 00:31:22,525
I appreciate that, Del, and thank you.
398
00:31:22,687 --> 00:31:26,919
But a pair of green wellies will not turn me
into Archduke Ferdinand.
399
00:31:27,087 --> 00:31:31,524
I will be Rodney Trotter in a pair
of green wellies. That's another thing...
400
00:31:31,687 --> 00:31:37,159
Don't do that. They're having a shooting party.
I disagree with blood sports.
401
00:31:37,327 --> 00:31:41,400
Do me a favour.
You'll never hit a grouse. They're fast.
402
00:31:41,567 --> 00:31:44,559
Tell 'em you've got a wart
on your trigger finger.
403
00:31:44,727 --> 00:31:49,005
He ain't gonna say nothing about warts!
The Duke would love that.
404
00:31:49,167 --> 00:31:51,522
His only child
marrying someone with warts.
405
00:31:51,687 --> 00:31:54,838
Don't you say nothing about warts, Rodney.
406
00:31:55,887 --> 00:32:02,599
I have to go, Sir Alan. Something's
just come in... I mean, up. Goodbye.
407
00:32:02,767 --> 00:32:06,840
Good afternoon, gentlemen. May I help you?
408
00:32:07,687 --> 00:32:13,125
- I hope so. I wanna buy some gear.
- I see. And what is sir's pleasure?
409
00:32:13,887 --> 00:32:17,641
Well, birds and curry, I suppose,
but I haven't come to chat.
410
00:32:17,807 --> 00:32:20,605
I want you to tog him out
for a country weekend.
411
00:32:20,767 --> 00:32:24,077
'Acking jackets, stout brogues and all the Xs.
412
00:32:24,247 --> 00:32:27,159
Got a monkey there. That should cover it.
413
00:32:27,327 --> 00:32:32,959
Yes... Yes, of course.
If you'd like to come this way, sir.
414
00:32:33,127 --> 00:32:37,882
Come on, Rodney.
He's got some very strange measurements.
415
00:32:38,047 --> 00:32:40,481
- Pull!
- (GUNSHoTS)
416
00:32:40,647 --> 00:32:44,162
- Good shot, Your Grace.
- I was pleased with that, Patterson.
417
00:32:50,527 --> 00:32:53,325
- Are you hungry?
- No, thank you.
418
00:32:53,487 --> 00:32:57,719
- There's plenty to eat.
- I'll have something soon. Thank you.
419
00:32:57,887 --> 00:33:02,517
- What do you think of it so far?
- Very interesting.
420
00:33:02,687 --> 00:33:05,485
I'm enjoying myself. Thank you.
421
00:33:05,647 --> 00:33:08,445
Rodney, you keep on saying thank you.
422
00:33:08,607 --> 00:33:10,598
- Do I?
- Yes.
423
00:33:10,767 --> 00:33:13,600
I thought I'd mention it. You don't mind?
424
00:33:13,767 --> 00:33:17,806
- No. Thank you for... Sorry!
- Don't mention it.
425
00:33:17,967 --> 00:33:21,846
- Thank you. I said that one on purpose.
- I know you did.
426
00:33:23,047 --> 00:33:26,244
Have you ever used
a double-barrelled before?
427
00:33:27,767 --> 00:33:32,238
Oh, a...? No.
I had an airgun when I was a kid.
428
00:33:32,407 --> 00:33:36,685
- Would you like to try?
- No, I'll just watch.
429
00:33:36,847 --> 00:33:42,558
Come on. Don't be an old stick-in-the-mud.
Daddy! Do you have a gun for Rodney?
430
00:33:42,727 --> 00:33:47,198
Yes, of course, darling.
Patterson, let's have that Purdey there.
431
00:33:47,367 --> 00:33:48,846
Yes, Your Grace.
432
00:33:49,007 --> 00:33:52,886
- Have you done this before, Rodney?
- No. I'll just watch.
433
00:33:53,047 --> 00:33:56,164
Nonsense. There's nothing to it.
434
00:33:56,327 --> 00:34:00,366
This is what you do to load it.
Let off the safety catch.
435
00:34:00,527 --> 00:34:04,679
Keep this closed in because of the kick,
and get the two barrels.
436
00:34:04,847 --> 00:34:09,523
- Both eyes open, cover it and then fire.
- Thank you, Your Grace.
437
00:34:09,687 --> 00:34:12,201
- Oh, Henry, please.
- Henry. Thank you.
438
00:34:12,367 --> 00:34:15,677
- Would you like these?
- Thank you.
439
00:34:29,727 --> 00:34:31,718
- What do I say?
- No! Put it down!
440
00:34:31,887 --> 00:34:33,878
- What?
- Down!
441
00:34:34,047 --> 00:34:37,483
Get it up! Shut up, victoria! Up.
442
00:34:37,647 --> 00:34:39,842
- Down!
- Up, up!
443
00:34:43,327 --> 00:34:46,956
I'm sorry, but when you have a gun,
you never point...
444
00:34:47,127 --> 00:34:50,437
I just realised what I did. I'm sorry. Sorry.
445
00:34:50,607 --> 00:34:53,519
Probably my fault. I should have told you.
446
00:34:53,687 --> 00:34:59,717
Like that. When you're ready,
just say, "Pull" and then...
447
00:34:59,887 --> 00:35:03,084
- All right?
- Pull. Right. Thank you.
448
00:35:11,007 --> 00:35:12,520
Pull!
449
00:35:22,567 --> 00:35:26,162
- Is he of a nervous disposition?
- Not as far as I know.
450
00:35:27,967 --> 00:35:31,198
Shall I take that for you, sir?
451
00:35:31,367 --> 00:35:33,164
What?
452
00:35:33,327 --> 00:35:34,806
Oh...
453
00:35:36,807 --> 00:35:38,638
Thank you.
454
00:35:40,567 --> 00:35:45,357
- Well, that was a jolly good try, Rodney.
- Thank you.
455
00:35:54,167 --> 00:35:57,523
- Are you all right?
- Yes, thank you.
456
00:35:57,687 --> 00:36:01,236
You seem shocked. It wasn't the gun, was it?
457
00:36:02,487 --> 00:36:04,682
No. No, I'm fine.
458
00:36:04,847 --> 00:36:08,362
- I'll get you a drink.
- Thank you.
459
00:36:10,927 --> 00:36:13,395
Come on, where are ya?
460
00:36:14,767 --> 00:36:19,124
I know you're out there,
you three-wheeled yellow...
461
00:36:27,127 --> 00:36:29,766
I'm sure it was there.
462
00:36:31,967 --> 00:36:33,958
I saw it.
463
00:36:40,047 --> 00:36:43,357
(DEL) Tally ho there, Rodders!
464
00:36:54,167 --> 00:36:56,727
(CAR BACKFIRES)
465
00:36:59,687 --> 00:37:02,326
Good morning. Tally ho there.
466
00:37:03,327 --> 00:37:06,319
Couldn't have picked a better day for it.
467
00:37:08,327 --> 00:37:12,445
- Go away.
- Hello. I didn't expect to see you here.
468
00:37:12,607 --> 00:37:18,284
- I didn't expect to see me here.
- And I didn't expect to see me here either.
469
00:37:18,447 --> 00:37:22,122
I was supposed to be down the Legion
playing crib.
470
00:37:22,287 --> 00:37:25,279
Instead, he drags me out to bloody Berkshire.
471
00:37:25,447 --> 00:37:27,961
Cheers, darling. I needed that.
472
00:37:29,927 --> 00:37:33,363
It's lovely. Let me explain what happened.
473
00:37:33,527 --> 00:37:39,477
I was tidying up the flat and guess
what I found in one of the wardrobes.
474
00:37:39,647 --> 00:37:41,956
Only his evening suit.
475
00:37:42,127 --> 00:37:45,915
I thought to myself,
"He can't go to dinner dressed like that."
476
00:37:46,087 --> 00:37:48,726
So I drove it down here.
477
00:37:48,887 --> 00:37:54,359
I see. That was very nice of you.
Wasn't it, Rodney?
478
00:37:54,527 --> 00:37:56,324
Yeah.
479
00:37:56,487 --> 00:37:57,886
Daddy...
480
00:37:58,047 --> 00:38:03,724
You bloody liar! I packed my evening suit.
I packed it myself, personally.
481
00:38:03,887 --> 00:38:09,200
- So how did it get back in the wardrobe?
- You took it out of my suitcase.
482
00:38:09,367 --> 00:38:13,645
- Why would I do that?
- So as you could bloody well come here!
483
00:38:13,807 --> 00:38:18,835
Daddy, this is Rodney's brother, Derek Trotter.
I'd like you to meet my father...
484
00:38:19,007 --> 00:38:23,478
No introductions necessary. I recognise
your photo from "The Sporting Life".
485
00:38:23,647 --> 00:38:27,037
How's Hansom Samson?
Got over that sprain?
486
00:38:27,207 --> 00:38:32,042
- Yes. He's doing very nicely.
- What about the Derby? Will he be trying?
487
00:38:32,207 --> 00:38:36,917
Trying? Mr Trotter, it's the Derby.
Everyone will be trying.
488
00:38:37,087 --> 00:38:40,477
As long as I know where to put my money.
489
00:38:42,367 --> 00:38:47,202
Victoria tells me you've driven down
with Rodney's dinner jacket.
490
00:38:47,367 --> 00:38:52,202
- You must be exhausted.
- I am cream crackered, Your Grace.
491
00:38:52,367 --> 00:38:56,042
I'll mooch around till I get my strength back.
492
00:38:56,207 --> 00:39:00,758
Yes. Make yourself at home. I'm sure Cook
will provide you with something later.
493
00:39:00,927 --> 00:39:03,395
Stay for dinner? Well, pas de deux.
494
00:39:03,567 --> 00:39:09,358
As luck would have it, as I was getting
Rodney's suit out, mine came with it.
495
00:39:09,527 --> 00:39:11,995
So I've got all my gear here.
496
00:39:13,727 --> 00:39:18,801
Dinner? Yes. Patterson, will you set
another place for dinner tonight, please?
497
00:39:18,967 --> 00:39:21,083
- For this gentleman?
- Yes, Patterson.
498
00:39:21,247 --> 00:39:24,683
- Of course, Your Grace.
- That's very civil of you.
499
00:39:24,847 --> 00:39:30,365
- (GUNSHoTS)
- Oh. Would you mind if I had a pot shot?
500
00:39:31,367 --> 00:39:35,838
No, of course not.
Patterson, a gun for Mr Trotter, please.
501
00:39:36,007 --> 00:39:40,046
No need, sir. I have brought my own weapon.
502
00:39:44,727 --> 00:39:50,040
- Would you like these, sir?
- No. I can't listen to music while I'm shooting.
503
00:39:53,367 --> 00:39:57,155
- Ready when you are, John.
- D'you mean "Pull"?
504
00:39:57,327 --> 00:40:00,080
Sorry, Paul. In your own time, my son.
505
00:40:11,527 --> 00:40:14,041
I'll be all right when I get me eye in.
506
00:40:16,607 --> 00:40:20,236
- Where did you get that gun from?
- Iggy 'Iggins.
507
00:40:20,407 --> 00:40:24,798
- Iggy 'Iggins robs banks.
- I know, but it's Saturday.
508
00:40:29,967 --> 00:40:32,959
(GRAND CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS)
509
00:40:40,887 --> 00:40:45,722
Look at that, Rodney. What a sight, eh?
510
00:40:46,607 --> 00:40:49,565
Makes you proud to be British.
511
00:40:49,727 --> 00:40:55,279
They know the difference between
cucumber sandwiches and egg on toast.
512
00:40:56,647 --> 00:40:58,717
All right?
513
00:40:58,887 --> 00:41:00,684
Splendid.
514
00:41:00,847 --> 00:41:04,283
Derek... Del. Listen.
515
00:41:04,447 --> 00:41:09,362
I was nervous enough about this weekend
and that was without you being here.
516
00:41:09,527 --> 00:41:14,157
But you arrived and your presence alarms me.
517
00:41:15,607 --> 00:41:20,078
What I'm trying to say
is behave yourself, please.
518
00:41:20,247 --> 00:41:22,124
All right.
519
00:41:22,287 --> 00:41:27,805
I want you to know something. No matter
what happens tonight, I'm doing it for you.
520
00:41:29,607 --> 00:41:32,838
- What's gonna happen?
- Nothing.
521
00:41:33,007 --> 00:41:38,525
- What are you gonna do for me?
- Help you make a good impression. Look at that.
522
00:41:38,687 --> 00:41:42,680
You've got the creme de menthe
of British nobility there.
523
00:41:42,847 --> 00:41:46,362
There's no one down there
lower than a dowager.
524
00:41:46,527 --> 00:41:51,840
Do you want them to think
we're just the hoi polloi? No.
525
00:41:52,007 --> 00:41:56,956
- We'll be on our bestest behaviour tonight.
- So we are agreed on that, then?
526
00:41:57,127 --> 00:41:59,004
Right.
527
00:42:04,927 --> 00:42:07,077
All right? Evening.
528
00:42:07,247 --> 00:42:09,761
Evening. Evening, dear.
529
00:42:16,407 --> 00:42:18,398
Thank you, John.
530
00:42:21,407 --> 00:42:26,083
- All right, Henry?
- Good evening, Trotter.
531
00:42:29,007 --> 00:42:32,795
- Is that a da vinci?
- No, it's not a da vinci.
532
00:42:32,967 --> 00:42:36,323
What a shame.
He's my most favourite artist.
533
00:42:37,207 --> 00:42:39,004
That is a Pissarro.
534
00:42:40,567 --> 00:42:42,876
I don't know. I've seen worse.
535
00:42:46,367 --> 00:42:49,165
Keep your eyes on those peas, Shirley.
536
00:42:51,407 --> 00:42:53,796
There we are, Albert.
537
00:42:53,967 --> 00:42:55,958
Thank you, Mrs Miles.
538
00:42:56,127 --> 00:43:02,043
I'll give you a word of warning. Don't give
Mr Trotter any peas. They'll go everywhere.
539
00:43:02,207 --> 00:43:04,562
I'll tell Mr Patterson.
540
00:43:05,887 --> 00:43:08,685
Who are your people, Albert?
541
00:43:08,847 --> 00:43:13,477
- They're not people. They're my nephews.
- They're not of noble birth?
542
00:43:13,647 --> 00:43:18,277
The nearest them two have got to nobility
was their Great-Uncle Jack.
543
00:43:18,447 --> 00:43:20,438
He was a tobacco baron.
544
00:43:20,607 --> 00:43:25,044
The noisy one's a fly pitcher
and the young one's his apprentice.
545
00:43:25,207 --> 00:43:29,917
So that's what you lot do.
Sell things on street corners.
546
00:43:30,087 --> 00:43:36,526
Not me. I was a career man.
I was in the navy for 30 years, man and boy.
547
00:43:36,687 --> 00:43:40,885
The Battle of the Atlantic,
Battle of the Pacific, Russian convoys.
548
00:43:41,047 --> 00:43:45,359
- You name it, I was there.
- I bet you could tell a tale or two.
549
00:43:45,527 --> 00:43:50,317
- I never talk about it.
- I understand.
550
00:43:50,487 --> 00:43:55,607
Once we was in the South China Sea.
We knew there were mines about and...
551
00:43:55,767 --> 00:44:01,399
That little fella is knocking back the champers.
He's had three quarters of a bottle already.
552
00:44:01,567 --> 00:44:05,446
He keeps talking about Leonardo da vinci.
It's like he knew him.
553
00:44:05,607 --> 00:44:08,405
Patterson, give us a little toperooney, pal.
554
00:44:08,567 --> 00:44:11,877
Cheers. Go on, my son.
555
00:44:12,047 --> 00:44:13,844
Thank you.
556
00:44:14,007 --> 00:44:18,285
Del, leave that wine alone.
You ain't in the Star of Bengal now.
557
00:44:19,447 --> 00:44:21,438
I'm just enjoying myself.
558
00:44:22,447 --> 00:44:25,996
But when you enjoy yourself,
nobody else does.
559
00:44:27,167 --> 00:44:30,045
Trust me, Rodney.
560
00:44:30,207 --> 00:44:35,918
We're reaching the point in the evening
when I'm going to project you.
561
00:44:36,087 --> 00:44:41,844
I do not want to be projected.
I want to stay extremely unprojected.
562
00:44:53,967 --> 00:44:57,198
Henry, who's that young chap with victoria?
563
00:44:58,167 --> 00:45:01,159
Oh, just a friend she met in the street market.
564
00:45:01,327 --> 00:45:06,720
She's going through her "working artist" stage.
Just like her mother, bless her.
565
00:45:06,887 --> 00:45:10,596
Just a phase. She's often bringing
colourful characters down.
566
00:45:10,767 --> 00:45:16,842
Do you remember that chap who looked
like a gypsy, arrived with a stolen Escort?
567
00:45:17,007 --> 00:45:20,363
Oh, yes. Yes, he beat up Patterson
in the library.
568
00:45:20,527 --> 00:45:26,875
Oh, yes. Well, anyway, this chap... Roland -
no Rodney, Rodney - he's an artist, too.
569
00:45:27,047 --> 00:45:31,199
- And the other fellow? His brother?
- (DEL LAUGHING RAUCoUSLY)
570
00:45:31,367 --> 00:45:33,961
He's the biggest artist of them all.
571
00:45:34,127 --> 00:45:38,598
(DEL) Henry... is THAT a da vinci.
572
00:45:38,767 --> 00:45:41,042
- No.
- Nice, though.
573
00:45:41,207 --> 00:45:43,846
I think he's a little drunk.
574
00:45:44,847 --> 00:45:46,917
He's always been a little drunk.
575
00:45:47,087 --> 00:45:51,080
- That was a blindin' meal, wasn't it?
- Yes. Excellent.
576
00:45:51,247 --> 00:45:53,556
- Did you have the pheasant?
- Yes.
577
00:45:53,727 --> 00:45:59,404
- I had the quails with peas and gravy.
- So you did.
578
00:45:59,567 --> 00:46:04,721
- Tell me... It's Trotter, isn't it?
- Yes, but my friends call me Del.
579
00:46:05,567 --> 00:46:10,038
I see. Tell me, Trotter,
how do you come to know Henry?
580
00:46:10,207 --> 00:46:12,846
Who? Oh, Henry. Yeah.
581
00:46:13,007 --> 00:46:16,363
Well, his daughter -
the pretty one in the blue -
582
00:46:16,527 --> 00:46:18,722
is getting engaged to my brother Rodney.
583
00:46:18,887 --> 00:46:22,800
- Engaged?
- Shh! Keep it under your "tarara".
584
00:46:22,967 --> 00:46:25,003
We don't want the media to hear.
585
00:46:25,167 --> 00:46:30,878
Look at Andrew and Fergie. They couldn't
fart without there being a newsflash.
586
00:46:31,047 --> 00:46:32,526
Eh?
587
00:46:32,687 --> 00:46:35,360
There he is. Good man.
588
00:46:36,527 --> 00:46:39,837
Oops. You've drawn a blank there,
your ladyship.
589
00:46:40,007 --> 00:46:46,196
Your carafe will be coming. You can
have a slug of mine while you're waiting.
590
00:46:46,367 --> 00:46:51,441
(ALBERT) I was in the life raft
about 20 yards from him.
591
00:46:51,607 --> 00:46:54,599
The current was so strong,
I couldn't reach him.
592
00:46:54,767 --> 00:46:59,682
It was awful. That story
will haunt me till the day I die.
593
00:46:59,847 --> 00:47:02,077
I know the feeling.
594
00:47:02,927 --> 00:47:06,317
These are nice.
What are they, Ravenhead?
595
00:47:06,487 --> 00:47:10,685
No. Stowbridge Crystal.
It's been in the family for generations.
596
00:47:12,767 --> 00:47:16,157
- Put it down.
- All right, all right!
597
00:47:18,087 --> 00:47:20,885
Look at that. Craftsmanship, that.
598
00:47:21,047 --> 00:47:24,596
- Henry, this knife...
- It is not a da vinci.
599
00:47:24,767 --> 00:47:27,804
Ah. Solid silver, though, I'll wager.
600
00:47:27,967 --> 00:47:31,516
Yes. They were made
by William Cordhill in 1648.
601
00:47:31,687 --> 00:47:34,155
They've come up well, haven't they?
602
00:47:35,447 --> 00:47:39,201
Me and Rodney are involved in cutlery.
603
00:47:39,367 --> 00:47:44,043
Well, it's canteens of cutlery par excellence.
604
00:47:44,207 --> 00:47:48,485
- I've got some in the van. I could pop out.
- Del.
605
00:47:49,327 --> 00:47:53,366
- Just leave it, eh?
- All right, all right.
606
00:47:53,527 --> 00:47:56,883
Which part of London are you from, Rodney?
607
00:47:57,047 --> 00:47:59,277
Er, Peckham.
608
00:47:59,447 --> 00:48:04,123
Really? Not too far from me.
I have a flat in Chelsea.
609
00:48:04,287 --> 00:48:06,926
Rodney's taking me to Stamford Bridge
to see soccer.
610
00:48:07,087 --> 00:48:11,683
Oh, you're one of the faithful!
I'm a Blues fan myself.
611
00:48:11,847 --> 00:48:14,042
Have you taken a box?
612
00:48:14,207 --> 00:48:17,597
He doesn't need a box.
He's tall enough to see!
613
00:48:23,487 --> 00:48:26,399
(DEL BANGING oN TABLE)
614
00:48:26,567 --> 00:48:29,127
(DEL LAUGHING)
615
00:48:31,487 --> 00:48:36,800
Rodney... Rodney had a great future
as an athlete.
616
00:48:36,967 --> 00:48:41,006
The headmaster of his university
wanted him to go on to the olympics.
617
00:48:41,167 --> 00:48:45,877
But he said no 'cause he wanted
to concentrate on his business.
618
00:48:46,047 --> 00:48:48,766
That is where his true talent lies.
619
00:48:48,927 --> 00:48:53,796
I mean, he's a future whizz-kid.
He's got two GCEs.
620
00:48:56,247 --> 00:48:58,841
This time next year he'll be a millionaire.
621
00:48:59,007 --> 00:49:03,000
That's very nice to hear.
Which university were you at?
622
00:49:04,767 --> 00:49:08,555
Rodney was at an art college, Daddy.
In Basingstoke.
623
00:49:08,727 --> 00:49:13,676
Basing...?
Yes. I've heard very good things about it.
624
00:49:15,047 --> 00:49:17,845
How long were you there?
625
00:49:19,007 --> 00:49:22,841
- Three weeks.
- Oh. Three... weeks?!
626
00:49:24,687 --> 00:49:28,077
I left for personal reasons.
627
00:49:28,967 --> 00:49:32,118
Weren't his fault. They weren't his drugs.
628
00:49:46,727 --> 00:49:48,319
Listen, Trotter...
629
00:49:49,967 --> 00:49:52,401
Are you still staying overnight...
630
00:49:53,847 --> 00:49:57,362
or... or not?
631
00:50:05,807 --> 00:50:11,325
I want you and all your kith and kin
out of my house and off my land now!
632
00:50:11,487 --> 00:50:14,081
You don't want to talk about arrangements?
633
00:50:14,247 --> 00:50:18,001
- What arrangements?
- For victoria and Rodney's wedding.
634
00:50:18,167 --> 00:50:21,125
Wedding?! What do you mean, wedding?
635
00:50:21,287 --> 00:50:23,278
Hang on, Henry.
636
00:50:23,447 --> 00:50:28,646
Don't tell me no one's told you.
I hope I haven't spoilt a wonderful surprise.
637
00:50:28,807 --> 00:50:32,720
- A wonderful surprise for whom?
- For youm.
638
00:50:32,887 --> 00:50:37,005
I thought we might make
the announcements in the "Times",
639
00:50:37,167 --> 00:50:40,159
"Country Life" and the "Peckham Echo".
640
00:50:41,647 --> 00:50:46,926
- What do you think?
- I don't believe what I am hearing.
641
00:50:47,087 --> 00:50:49,157
My daughter is marrying no one.
642
00:50:49,327 --> 00:50:54,959
In two months, she's going to America
to do a year at the New York School of Art.
643
00:50:55,967 --> 00:50:58,845
They'll probably take that in on their honeymoon.
644
00:50:59,007 --> 00:51:02,556
Two months?
We'll have to book the old cathedral.
645
00:51:02,727 --> 00:51:07,005
The only thing you will be booking
is a bed in intensive care.
646
00:51:07,167 --> 00:51:11,797
Your brother is not - I repeat, not -
marrying my daughter!
647
00:51:14,367 --> 00:51:19,077
Just a minute, Henry.
We're not just a couple of yippedy-ois.
648
00:51:19,247 --> 00:51:21,920
We know how to conduct ourselves.
649
00:51:22,087 --> 00:51:25,796
There is a rumour that we are related
to the Surrey Trotters.
650
00:51:25,967 --> 00:51:31,166
I don't care if you are related to the
Surrey Trotters or to the Berkshire Trotters
651
00:51:31,327 --> 00:51:34,000
or to the Harlem bloody Globetrotters!
652
00:51:34,167 --> 00:51:37,477
I want that young man out of my daughter's life.
653
00:51:40,767 --> 00:51:45,363
I dunno how. That victoria
seems pretty stuck on him.
654
00:51:45,527 --> 00:51:49,076
I will unstick her. Have no fear of that.
655
00:51:50,207 --> 00:51:53,756
It's not going to be easy. I know Rodney.
656
00:51:53,927 --> 00:51:56,964
I can't think of anything
that would make him leave her.
657
00:51:57,127 --> 00:52:02,406
Well, when I say "anything",
there's one thing.
658
00:52:02,567 --> 00:52:04,876
- And what's that?
- Hm?
659
00:52:05,887 --> 00:52:10,324
Why don't we go into your study
and discuss it over a brandy?
660
00:52:10,487 --> 00:52:13,479
Come on. In here. Come on!
661
00:52:14,927 --> 00:52:18,124
- What is that one?
- That's a bloody da vinci!
662
00:52:45,487 --> 00:52:46,966
Rodders.
663
00:52:50,487 --> 00:52:54,924
Rodney, I was trying
to make an impression.
664
00:52:55,087 --> 00:52:57,806
You made an impression, Del.
665
00:52:58,847 --> 00:53:03,204
It was similar to the impression
the Americans made at Nagasaki.
666
00:53:03,367 --> 00:53:05,437
Listen, Rod...
667
00:53:05,607 --> 00:53:08,201
Rodney. Just a minute, will ya?
668
00:53:10,807 --> 00:53:16,279
For as long as I can remember,
it's been you sticking your oar in!
669
00:53:19,367 --> 00:53:23,121
What about that time
I joined the army cadets?
670
00:53:23,287 --> 00:53:28,202
Then you discovered the boy I shared
a tent with had a relative in show business
671
00:53:28,367 --> 00:53:31,643
and that was the end of my military career.
672
00:53:31,807 --> 00:53:35,163
I was gonna be a child star!
673
00:53:35,327 --> 00:53:40,447
I was straight into a tap-dancing school
before I could say, "Who goes there?"
674
00:53:40,607 --> 00:53:45,158
That was just an embarrassment -
just like tonight.
675
00:53:45,327 --> 00:53:51,596
I was the only kid in that school
who never had a proper set of tap-dancing shoes.
676
00:53:52,927 --> 00:53:55,964
Only 'cause your army boots
made more noise.
677
00:53:56,127 --> 00:53:59,085
They made more noise all right.
678
00:53:59,247 --> 00:54:04,367
I used to make "Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah"
sound like the advance on Leningrad.
679
00:54:04,527 --> 00:54:07,564
You see, you had to interfere!
680
00:54:10,127 --> 00:54:13,881
And now you've interfered
between me and vicky.
681
00:54:14,047 --> 00:54:19,599
You humiliated me. You destroyed me
in front of all them people.
682
00:54:19,767 --> 00:54:24,602
And you ruined my opportunity of sharing
a warm and friendly relationship
683
00:54:24,767 --> 00:54:27,759
with somebody I respected.
684
00:54:27,927 --> 00:54:32,796
And on top of all that, Del.
On top of all that...
685
00:54:33,807 --> 00:54:35,843
I think I've broken my hand.
686
00:54:36,007 --> 00:54:40,285
- Eh? Let's have a look at it.
- Get away from me!
687
00:54:40,447 --> 00:54:42,438
Leave me alone.
688
00:54:45,287 --> 00:54:50,520
You even told the joke
about the Irish bloke on the skiing holiday.
689
00:54:54,807 --> 00:54:58,686
But do you know
what the most painful incident was?
690
00:55:00,367 --> 00:55:04,758
His Grace called me
into his study for a little chat.
691
00:55:07,607 --> 00:55:10,326
Said he wanted me to stop seeing victoria.
692
00:55:11,327 --> 00:55:14,524
Said he wanted me out of her life for good.
693
00:55:15,527 --> 00:55:17,836
He even offered me money.
694
00:55:19,887 --> 00:55:21,684
- No?
- Yeah.
695
00:55:21,847 --> 00:55:25,920
- You can imagine how I felt.
- Yeah.
696
00:55:26,087 --> 00:55:29,159
Horrible. You must have felt horrible.
697
00:55:29,327 --> 00:55:32,922
- I would have told him what to do with it.
- I did.
698
00:55:33,087 --> 00:55:35,396
Good boy...
699
00:55:37,367 --> 00:55:40,564
What? You said no to a grand?
700
00:55:41,647 --> 00:55:47,244
Yes, I did. I still have
some of my self-esteem left intact...
701
00:55:49,847 --> 00:55:53,283
How did you know he offered me a grand?
702
00:55:53,447 --> 00:55:54,926
Eh?
703
00:55:55,087 --> 00:55:59,080
How did you know
he offered me a thousand pounds?
704
00:55:59,247 --> 00:56:03,559
It's the going rate to get a plonker
out of your daughter's life.
705
00:56:04,647 --> 00:56:10,165
- You arranged it, didn't ya?
- No. Not actually arranged it.
706
00:56:11,487 --> 00:56:16,277
Them sort of people are looked after
by the Special Branch and Ml6.
707
00:56:16,447 --> 00:56:20,884
Don't you think that when they found out
you'd got a conviction,
708
00:56:21,047 --> 00:56:24,960
if you'd refused,
they would have sent a hit team?
709
00:56:27,647 --> 00:56:30,161
You would have been brown bread, brother.
710
00:56:30,327 --> 00:56:36,243
A grand on the hip is worth more
than a poison umbrella up your jacksie.
711
00:56:37,767 --> 00:56:40,156
But you turned it down, you dipstick.
712
00:56:40,327 --> 00:56:43,478
Yes, I did. Del, I refuse...
713
00:56:43,647 --> 00:56:46,798
I refuse to become a lot
in one of your auctions.
714
00:56:46,967 --> 00:56:51,597
But you can't understand that.
You just can't understand.
715
00:56:54,087 --> 00:56:57,124
Of course I can understand, Rodney.
716
00:56:58,567 --> 00:57:01,843
Look, I'm sorry I hurt you, Rodney.
717
00:57:04,287 --> 00:57:06,755
Don't hate me, brother.
718
00:57:07,927 --> 00:57:10,395
I don't hate you.
719
00:57:12,127 --> 00:57:14,641
I don't bloody like you.
720
00:57:16,687 --> 00:57:20,077
Well, that'll do me, Rodney. Put it there.
721
00:57:25,967 --> 00:57:28,686
What are ya? What are ya, eh?
722
00:57:34,047 --> 00:57:37,562
# We've got some half-price cracked ice
and miles and miles of carpet tiles
723
00:57:37,727 --> 00:57:40,719
# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs
724
00:57:40,887 --> 00:57:43,640
# Ball games, gold chains,
what's-their-names and at a push
725
00:57:43,807 --> 00:57:46,685
# Some Trevor Francis tracksuits
from a mush in Shepherd's Bush
726
00:57:46,847 --> 00:57:49,520
# Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush
727
00:57:49,687 --> 00:57:52,485
# No income tax, no VAT
728
00:57:52,647 --> 00:57:55,844
# No money back, no guarantee
729
00:57:56,007 --> 00:57:58,760
# Black or white, rich or broke
730
00:57:58,927 --> 00:58:03,443
# We'll cut prices at a stroke
731
00:58:03,607 --> 00:58:06,565
# God bless Hooky Street
732
00:58:06,727 --> 00:58:09,605
# Viva Hooky Street
733
00:58:09,767 --> 00:58:12,122
# Long live Hooky Street
734
00:58:12,287 --> 00:58:15,723
# C'est magnifique, Hooky Street
735
00:58:15,887 --> 00:58:19,243
# Magnifique, Hooky Street
736
00:58:20,527 --> 00:58:22,324
# Hooky Street
737
00:58:23,607 --> 00:58:25,404
# Hooky Street... #
59915
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