All language subtitles for The.Grand.Tour.S05E03.

Hello, and
welcome to The Grand Tour,

and this, the Lamborghini
Huracán Sterrato.

Unlike the normal Huracán,
which was designed

to prowl round city centres late
at night doing nine miles an hour,

this was designed to
blast across a desert

doing a hundred and sixty.

It's got the roof racks, it's
got the flared wheel arches,

it's got beefed-up undersides,
long-travel suspension.

It is the Lamborghini
'Rogue Hero'.

And it's not just Lamborghini
getting in on the desert raid act.

This, is the Porsche 911 Dakar.

It has four-wheel
drive, skid plates

and fifty millimetres more ground
clearance than a regular 911.

Even Morgan's having a go.

Yup, this is the CXT and
it too stands upon stilts.

It's got adjustable
rally spec dampers

and an external roll cage.

Nice.

All these cars are
of course very tremendous,

but they're also very not cheap.

The Porsche is a 173,000 pounds.

The Morgan is 204,000

and this is 250,000.

And that got us thinking.

Could we build a
rally raid car for less?

A lot less.

Let's have a
look at what we've bought.

I went for this, a
Maserati GranCabrio,

for which I paid just
under 26,000 pounds.

Richard Hammond has bought this,

it's an Aston Martin
DB9 V12 Volante,

which cost him 22,000 pounds.

And Jeremy Clarkson,
this, the Jaguar F-Type V6S,

25,000 pounds.

And needless to say,
we've just had a text

from Mr Wilman.

Go on.

It says,

"You will now turn your
purchases into desert racers.

"When you finish, you will
report to the railway station

"in the town of Choum,
which is in Mauritania."

Where's Mauritania?

Perhaps he's misspelt Mauritius?

Well, it isn't anywhere.

It's not a real place.

- Well, Mauritania.
- What are you on about?

Come on.

"The Lion, the Witch,
and the Looking Glass,"

"Alice Through the
Wardrobe," all of that.

You go through the
back of the wardrobe,

you say a cheery hello to
the talking lion as you pass in,

and you watch out for
the people running about

with playing cards
on as tabards.

You've got C.S. Lewis
echoing around in there.

- Yes.
- Lewis Carroll.

They were not travel books.

You don't
think this place exists?

There's no such
place as Mauritania!

It turns out, however,
there is such a place as Mauritania.

It's a former French
colony in West Africa.

And this is what it looks like.

Two thirds of this vast country,

it's four times bigger than
the UK, has been buried...

by the Sahara Desert.

Which means that for the
most part, it is mile after mile

of nothing...

and nobody.

But here,

in the middle of this gigantic
sea of super-heated emptiness,

there is a railway line,

and it does pass through the small
town we've been told to report to...

Choum.

I'm told you get a lot more
for your money in Mauritania.

I thought it'd be more
colourful, with talking animals.

It's nice and quiet.

- Isn't it?
- Yeah.

It's too hot to make any noise.

It's really hot.

- 46 degrees.
- Ooh!

It's a dry heat though.

- Don't say, I hate that.
- I hate people...

It's just hot!

- Ooh, there's a restaurant.
- Where?

Let's get a...
Oh, we can't get a beer.

- What?
- Dry country.

- What?
- Mauritania's dry.

- Seriously?
- It's Muslim.

What kind of fairy-tale
land doesn't serve gin?

I do have some mildly alcoholic
hand sanitiser, if that's any good.

Keep hold of that.

Can I just say how nice it is

to be back doing The Grand
Tour, proper Grand Tour.

- Yeah.
- Know what I mean?

Yeah. Somewhere
dusty and in this case, imaginary.

Is this man coming to
do some panel beating on this van?

I know what this is.

It's a van. It's
a really old broken van.

Mr Wilman said before we left...

He said, "I've provided a backup vehicle
for if one of your cars goes wrong."

Why has he sent a van?

And he says
everything we need for this trip

is in the back of the
van. Oh, it's open.

You are sure? You're not
just nicking somebody's livelihood?

Nope. No, he said. He said.

But it does beg the
question, how do you suppose

our cars are gonna get... He
said he'd deliver them for us.

The van had
plainly been bought locally

and we'd arrived by air,

so Hammond reckoned there
could only be one possible answer.

So you think a train is going
to come along here with our cars on it?

Well, a train... This is a likely
spot to see a train, isn't it?

Yes, I'll grant you that.

Yes. The only way in and out is train.
How else are they gonna get here?

As there were no
automated departure boards

to tell us when a
train might arrive,

we settled down for the wait.

Have you seen how many empty
plastic bottles of water there are here?

Many.

Look, one... I
mean, two, three, four, five, six,

- seven, eight, just there, nine, ten.
- Yeah.

I would find the
manufacturers and simply kill them.

It's harsh, but it is a mess

and they're going to
be here for a long time.

- Forever.
- It's a waste.

It's not often you get to wait
for a train just by the tracks, is it?

No.

- You couldn't do this in Paddington.
- No.

What if it doesn't come?

What if our cars aren't on it?

- There.
- Where?

There. That's it.
That's gotta be it.

Yes, you're right.

God, it's enormous!

That is the biggest
thing I've ever seen!

It is the biggest
thing I've ever seen.

- Can you see cars?
- No.

I'm tall enough to see iron ore.

- I can see bits of...
- Iron ore, iron ore.

- What's that?
- People.

Chaps, that is the guard's van.

- That is the end.
- Look what's in front...

- In front of the guard's van?
- Yes. Look.

Look, that's a flatbed one,
that's a different type of carriage.

- That's like a flatbed.
- There's three things on it.

- Yeah!
- They are the cars.

The train came to a halt,

and as we assumed it would
be setting off again quite soon,

we had to work quickly
to get our cars off.

So what do you do? I've no clue.

What normally happens
with cars on a flatbed like this,

on a Hornby railway, is you
put it in a siding with a ramp

and then you drive them
onto the ramp and down.

But they've got the
guard's van behind.

Yes.

He's not gonna set off
without his guard's van, is he?

No, so that all goes, presumably
back to... There must be a turn there.

- We can't push it.
- There'll be a shunter.

This is basically a
full-sized train set.

There'll be a shunter on the
other line, that's how railways work.

Having found a shunter
train, James spoke to its driver

in his best French.

"Buona
sera. Passo il oh il to oh shuntero?"

That sounds a bit...

That could be James coming
with a shunting engine, fully erect.

If he's driving it, yeah,
he'll have blown the engine.

If he's on it, he will
be more aroused.

Shunting engine.

- He's on it!
- I'm on the shunter!

Properly three-legged
old man went past.

Oh yes!

Is this the best day of James
May's life all of a sudden?

He's got an
entire railway network.

Actual full-sized train set.

If you've ever had a Hornby train
set you'll know exactly how this works.

There we go.

Oh, here he comes,
here he comes.

With a train worker approaching,

it was now my turn
to roll out the French.

Monsieur.

- Merci.
- Vous vous...

Je voudrais vous

you to...

uncouple.

And meanwhile, here comes James.

I was coming to see
which bit you were...

I've never seen anybody happier.

Oh, he's going.
Go on, get on it.

- Run away!
- Horror!

One.

- One, one, one.
- Here we go.

At the wheel of
his big blue shunter engine,

James pushed our cars and
the guard's van into a siding,

detached the car wagon...

So now, forwards. Release brake.

...and then reattached
the guard's van to the train,

which, having taken on more
passengers, set off again.

Au revoir.

- Au revoir.
- Au revoir, mes amis.

With the sun setting, we
then had to get our cars off the wagon.

Which meant firing up

the station's extremely
old and broken telehandler

and deploying my farming skills.

Tiny bit more... stop.

Is this the first time we've
ever tried to do something properly?

We haven't done it yet.

Tiny
bit more. That's it.

I then set about
retrieving the other two.

I think your car might
be heavier than mine, James.

Down you go. Down.

Tell me when I'm clear.

- I think you're all right.
- That'll do.

We've done it.

We've got all
three cars into Mauritania.

The next morning, after
a short and hot, drink-free sleep,

we assembled to
examine our modifications.

Starting with my Jaguar F-Type.

I'm a bit disappointed
if I'm honest.

It hasn't worked out
quite how I imagined.

What did you imagine?

Well, you know
in the 70s and 80s,

- kids, when I say kids... us.
- Us. Yeah.

You'd buy flared wheel
arches for your Escort

and then you couldn't afford to
buy big enough wheels to fill them.

Yes, net result it
looks ridiculous.

When you come round the back...

It's roughly
18-feet-wide at the back.

If I hadn't have bothered
with the wheel ar...

Why put the wheel arches
on? You haven't got wheels to fill them.

Despite everything,

it's still a "Jaaaag".

- That's good.
- It actually says "Jaaaag".

I've changed the badge.

You've changed the "baaaadge".

And then I've got
the horn bill on the bonnet

coz I've lifted
the air filters up.

Yeah.

Then I've gone for
the Stratos light pack.

You're busy explaining
your ugly baby, aren't you?

These are aesthetics.

Yes, and when it comes to aesthetics,
Hammond, you're on very, very thin ice.

- You are actually.
- Hold on a moment.

No, there is no 'hold on a
moment', you've brought a Metro cab.

Do you wanna know what it is?

It's an Aston
Martin DB9, ruined.

'The Ruined' is what
you should call it.

Mine is mildly spoiled,
yours is totally ruined.

Noise, noise, noise.

Headlines: It's an Aston
Martin you can live in.

That is a tent, it
folds out, it's a house.

I live at number 1,
Aston Martin Street.

- That's a tent?
- That's a tent.

This is beautiful, it looks
like a shark, it looks stealthy.

Sorry...

It's filled with potential and
that potential is to live in it.

And why have you given
it carbon fibre breasts?

Because I've raised
the air intakes at the front.

Oh, so it's the same as
my horn bill arrangement.

Yeah, so that's
what that's doing.

And then I've raised
the suspension.

- You've got your lighting rig.
- That's enough.

We will go and look at my car...

- I don't want to talk about your car.
- No, you do.

- No I don't.
- This way.

Well done,
James, that is unquestionably

- a good-looking car.
- It does.

You've even
put nice stripes on it.

I have.

I've never
liked the look of this car.

But now you do.

That actually is improved.

Where's your... How have
you got your air filters up?

Actually the
bonnet is different.

This is a sort of
facsimile of the MC bonnet

if you remember the
gigantic mid-engine super car

and it has extra vents in it

and it has a slot there.

This is like Christmas morning
and you got a better present than me.

I don't feel very good.

It's exactly what it is.

I'm so cross that your car
looks better than my car.

- Well, of course it does.
- It looks damn near as good as mine.

- And what's with the roll cage?
- In case it rolls over.

Oh, hang on.

Aha!

Here it is...

- Text.
- Text from Mr Wilman.

Go on.

"You have driven across deserts
in the past, but this is the big one,

"this is the Sahara, the
biggest desert in the world.

"And you will now drive
across it for a thousand miles

"to the beach in Senegal where
the Paris-Dakar used to finish."

Wait a minute, we are
doing the Paris-Dakar?

We are... This is
boy's own dream.

It's actually better than that,

because we don't have to do the
boring bit from Paris, we're just doing...

The deserty exciting
bits you want to do.

- The best bits of the Paris-Dakar.
- That's quite epic.

- That is legend.
- Gentlemen, gentlemen.

This might have something
to do with why the Paris-Dakar

no longer happens in
this part of the world,

because there's more.

"You are currently in a
Foreign Office red zone.

"The government says
terrorism cannot be ruled out

"and over the border in Western
Sahara, there's a small war going on

"between separatists
and the Moroccans.

"We've even had to warn the Moroccan
Defence Ministry about our presence here

"in case they think our crew vehicles
are an assault force and attack,

"so behave yourselves."

With that
warning ringing in our ears,

we fired up our engines...

And knowing only that to get to Dakar,
we had to keep heading south-west,

plunged into the Sahara.

450 horsepower,

doing the Dakar in an Aston.

Despite Hammond's enthusiasm,

there was no doubt that our
cars faced a daunting task.

Because they really
hadn't been conceived

to do this kind of thing.

We've brought lightly modified
supermodels to a kickboxing championship.

Thing about my car
is, it actually started life

when Maserati
was part of Ferrari,

but then halfway
through its development,

Fiat, who owned the whole
lot, decided that Maserati

should be part of Alfa Romeo.

So Maserati started
again and used

a chopped-up
Quattroporte to make this.

The F-Type
was a bit of a hotchpotch.

It started out in
life as an XJ saloon

and then they cut it
down to make the XK,

then they cut it down
again to make the F-Type,

so it's really a cut and
shut of a cut and shut.

The engine's a bit of a
mangled up mishmash as well

because they wanted a V6

but couldn't afford to develop
their own, so they got their V8

and just chopped
two cylinders off it.

And there we are, V6.

It works! And I've
gotta be honest, it does.

Especially with a super
charger, which you can hear.

My car was actually styled
at Jaguar's design centre

in a corner of the office
behind a curtain, genuinely.

And then it was put together
using quite a lot of Ford-based parts.

But it is still an Aston Martin,

and many feel it's the
first proper Aston Martin

since the old DB days.

Oh, sat-nav's woken up.

Just south of
Manchester, apparently.

Ooh, look at this. Dunes!

Proper Sahara.

Dunes are notoriously dangerous.

So we decided to muck about.

Oh, yeah. We are not the rogue
heroes. We are the three kings.

And thanks to my USB
connectivity, we have a soundtrack.

♪ If you leave me now ♪

♪ You'll take away
the biggest part of me ♪

♪ Ooh, no, baby,
please don't go ♪

♪ And if you leave me now ♪

♪ You'll take away
the very heart of me ♪

♪ Ooh, no, baby,
please don't go ♪

♪ Ooh, girl, I just
want you to stay ♪

Oh, f... ing hell!

Ah, don't cut the corners.

There's a top tip there.

Oh no. Oh no.

I think my air-conditioning
just packed up. I genuinely think it did.

Ho! Oh.

That is an unbelievably rotten
bit of luck. Mine's working.

What is the
temperature out there?

48 degrees.

Holy cow.

Um...

High engine temp.

Stop.

Mine is telling
me to stop immediately.

Good God.

Hi.

Ah.

What seems to be the trouble,
sir? Having a spot of bother, are we?

A lot of it can be
explained by that.

Oh, yes.

- What have you got there?
- A fan.

Right.

From Peter Jones.

It really has stopped
working in there.

That's what I'm
wondering, if it's lost the belt.

- What's that?
- That's coolant,

I suspect, that's
probably come out of here.

And it's weird, cos
it says it's hand built.

- Yeah, I think...
- Which means done really carefully.

"Handbuilt
in England."

- Handbuilt in England.
- That's the problem.

- That's why...
- There it is.

It's still off the dial.

You can't just sit there.
You're going to have to get...

I'm going to have to let
it cool, that's all I can do.

I can't touch anything.

- You've got to mend it.
- Why can't you touch it?

Because it's hot.

So you wait for it to cool
down, then take the engine out.

It'll never cool
down. It's 49 degrees.

It's right at the
top of the gauge.

No, no, no. External
temperature.

Uh...

63.

- What, that's Fahrenheit?
- Fahrenheit, yes.

- Well, it's not 60.
- That's a summer's...

This thinks it's in Nottingham.

It does, look.

It's 63 degrees
Fahrenheit and it's in Nottingham.

That's what it thinks.

So, what are we going to do?

Given that Hammond
had a house and a car

which believed it was in the
East Midlands on a nice spring day,

I decided not to
give him my fan.

And then we left.

OK, sitrep. We've done 15 minutes
of travel and two of us are still moving.

Mercifully, I worked
out what was wrong quite quickly.

This fluid that I thought
was coolant from the engine

that had boiled
over and come out

isn't engine coolant.
It's power steering fluid.

It's come out of there.

That just got hot and boiled because
it was so hot in the engine bay.

I need to get heat out.

Right, Mr Wilman's backup van.

There must be tools.

Ooh.

Really? God, I hope
I don't need that.

Oh, hang on. Tools? Right.

Oh. Oh, that's causing me
pain. It hurts me more than you.

There.

Please start.

Yes. And I've given you air.

There was one other
thing I could do to help cool the engine,

but it was unimaginable.

I don't want to do it.
I'm going to have to do it.

Turn the heating up,

because that will actually pull hot
air out from under the engine bay

and deliver it to me.

Oh, yeah, that is hot now.

Argh.

Up ahead,

I hadn't felt this alone since
James and I drove to the North Pole.

Mauritania is empty.
Totally empty. Look at it.

No one comes here.

When we got the filming permit,

it was number 58.
The 58th filming permit

this country has
issued since 1960.

That's 63 years.

They've only issued
58 filming permits.

Hammond, you're back.

Made holes in the bonnet

and I'm running with the heater
on. I don't have long to live.

Ooh, I don't fancy that.

We continued onwards
with our boil-in-the-bag colleague

until our thirsty
engines needed petrol.

Which, because the Sahara
doesn't have many service stations,

meant pulling over at a fuel
bowser that Mr Wilman had provided.

How have you got
yourself in that state?

We got... we got seat belt marks.

- I'm in an Aga. Literally an Aga.
- Oh dear.

- Can I just have a word with you two?
- What?

What?

Chaps, before we set
off, Mr Wilman said,

could we stage a, let's be
honest, contrived accident? Yeah.

Where the fuel tanker blows up.

The what?

Because he'll want us to have
"oh, no, we're stuck in the desert

"with no fuel" panics.

- TV jeopardy.
- There you go.

No, no, no, no, no. He wants an explosion
to put in the trailer of the show.

- Oh, right.
- I'd vote no to that.

- I would as well.
- I'd vote no.

- That's cheese.
- I don't want to blow it up.

- Plus he wants us to.
- Right.

So let's look after
this with our lives.

It's the most precious
thing we have.

Right, I'm full. May?

- Yes?
- She's all yours.

James, where are you going?

I'm getting a length on so
we can get it round here.

Could you press the button
to, um, it's down there?

- It's got a little...
- Oh, yeah, got it.

- Yeah, it's there.
- It's there.

- We can see that.
- It's got a petrol pump on...

- Can you press it?
- Yeah.

- Anything else?
- Yeah, can you press it?

- Uh, I, yeah, I, I...
- Would you press it, please?

- I've done it.
- He did press it.

- He didn't.
- He did.

Apart from I did.

- You didn't.
- I just pressed it again.

Could you turn the
ignition on and press it, please?

Oh, that means two things.

There you go.

So, they're
really good instructions.

- Ow!
- I warned you, James.

It's the hottest thing in the...

Ow! Ah! Ah!

Having filled up
from the very toasty fuel bowser,

we moved on.

And pretty soon, we encountered
our first big geological problem.

Chaps, I'm a little
bit unnerved by that...

endless cliff face

in front of us.

I mean, there is
no end in sight.

There is no end in sight
of that mountain range.

Bugger.

If somebody's gone
to the bother of making this track,

they wouldn't just build a track to
the bottom of the cliff, would they?

Soon, we found
out why there was a track.

Why the bloody hell would
somebody build a tunnel

in the middle of
the Sahara Desert?

Probably a mine
for something scary.

Mining what, though? Dust?

Hammond,
there'll be nothing scary in it.

Hey! James, we could
have a race down here.

That's an excellent
idea and I don't want to take part.

Don't you think
that's a good idea?

Who can reach the highest speed
and then brake before hitting...

Oh, no, you can't do that.

- Oh, shit, shit! Guys, stop.
- Why?

They're bats.

There's a lot of bats.
Out. Out now, everybody out.

Bats aren't dangerous.

Bats aren't... That's
just... You're thinking of Scooby-Doo.

- You've heard of Ebola?
- Yes.

You bleed from your
eyes, your nose, all your orifices,

- all of them. And then you die quickly.
- Yes.

But just enough time for
your family to get to your bedside

and then you explode,
showering them with infected blood.

Most experts agree it lives

in bats in West Africa.

And we're in West Africa.

- But we now have a problem.
- Not really. We don't go in the tunnel.

Well, no, we have
to go in the tunnel.

We have to go in the tunnel and
we have to drive incredibly quickly.

No, not incredibly quickly.

You'll kick stuff up.

It could be in bat
guano, did you say?

- It could be... Yeah, nobody...
- That's bat poo.

Yeah, bat poo. Which
would be on the floor.

Exactly. You'll kick it up
with your wheels by going...

One at a time.
Incredibly quickly.

Right, windows up.

Air on recirculation
so it takes the air

in the cabin and sends
it back into the cabin.

I don't want Ebola.

Right, here I go.

That's good.
Doucement. Doucement.

No!

- And there's the Ebola.
- Run away.

Oh, there's a bat!

A bat went past the window!

I've got Ebola!

How long is this bloody thing?

Oh, there's the end!

Relax, relax, relax.

Oh, Christ!

What the...

the bloody hell's
that all about?

- Going in. At a sensible speed.
- Don't make, don't kick up

- a load of dust.
- I'm not going to kick up dust.

Shit.

So that's the border
with Western Sahara.

Hammond, Hammond, Hammond.

Richard Hammond,
can you hear me?

Oh, there's
light, there's light!

- Stop, stop, stop!
- Bloody hell!

Aaggh!

Back up exactly
where your wheels are.

Back up exactly
where your wheels are.

It says "mines".

Yes, you're in a minefield.

Back up exactly
where your wheels are,

'cause we know there
are no mines there.

You're going to drive
over the barbed wire,

which will probably
give you a puncture,

but relax on that.

Right.

You're safe.

- Minefield.
- I know.

That is Western Sahara.

Do you think it
really is a minefield?

Well, it's the kind of thing you
generally take a sign's word for.

If it said "Caution
caterpillars",

I'd go and have a look.

But, I mean, you only need
to put the sign up, don't you?

Yeah, but you might have
put the mines in as well.

Yeah, but if I were them,
I'd just put the sign up.

- You're lazy and don't have any mines.
- Yes.

No, but in my mind, there
aren't any mines there.

- Shall we go for a little jog?
- No.

What the hell is...

- What's that?
- It's a minefield.

- A minefield.
- Hammond's been in it.

- You've been in it?
- He crashed through the fence.

We now had a problem.

In front of us was what we had to
assume was an actual minefield.

While behind us was a
tunnel full of infected bat dung.

I don't want to go back
through the tunnel of Ebola.

And even if we do go back that
way, there's that massive cliff face.

Yes, but that's a problem
to try and overcome.

That's something
to try and solve.

- That isn't. You can't solve it.
- Yes, so, we have no choice.

- That's navigation.
- You're right. You're absolutely right.

We have no... We cannot...

- Stop!
- Not in the minefield!

Stop!

- Stop!
- Stop!

Wilman might get his trailer.

No, well, are you gonna
stand here while he does?

No, I'm gonna back up.

The fuel tanker

disappeared out of
sight without detonating.

But that didn't
change our minds.

So, we turned round...

And went back
through the tunnel.

How are we
going to get over that?

I don't know how
we're going to get over.

After many hours, we
eventually found a rough track,

which looked like it might go
to the top of the escarpment.

Ooh, this is bumpy, this bit.

Yeah.

Come on, Jag. You can do this.

This car is actually
surprising me.

I suppose it's 'cause
it's light, isn't it, the Jag?

Well, that makes
a huge difference, yeah.

I think mine probably weighs
more than two tonnes now.

Come on.

Oh!

Oh.

Oh, bloody hell!

God, come on!

Bollocks.

Here he comes, in the Jaguar.

You're going to
hit that big rock.

Behold the...

Oooh.

If you can move and give me a tiny
nudge, Jezza, that would be brilliant.

The gazelle has
moved the walrus.

Thank you very much.

Come on, gently. Yes, yes.

I'm beginning to
rather like my Jaag.

I'm sorry I was initially disappointed
in it, because it's bloody brilliant.

Eventually, we
achieved our objective.

Well, this
is definitely the top.

I'd say.

And that appears to be
a... that's a building site.

Is that our fuel bowser?

He must have got
through that minefield, mustn't he?

Mr Wilman's going to be furious

'cause it hasn't blown up. He's
got nothing for his trailer.

Yeah, uh, chaps,
I'm inclined to stop here.

Why?

You'll see.

- Ho-ho, look! There's a road.
- Ooh, yeah.

Well, yeah, there is,
and it is a nice road, but...

- Exactly.
- It's down there.

It doesn't join
up with here, does it?

It's not connected to here.

- We'll drive down here.
- What?

- We'll drive down here.
- Yeah, down that track.

It's a cliff!

There's too much gravity
immediately available

between where we're
standing and that road.

And it isn't a cruel and
unpredictable mistress.

No, it's bloody reliable.

- Listen, if I go first...
- Yeah.

Which I'm prepared to do...

- Really?
- Yeah, I'll go first.

The backup van's there, yes?

Yes.

That's bound
to have some cable in it.

Why don't I attach my car
to one of those diggers?

Actually, we could use
the other one as a pulley.

And then I drive down,

but I've got the
safety of the cable.

Years ago, at some point, you
confused engineers with cartoonists.

What this is, is a very, very, very
commendably elaborate suicide.

Nevertheless,
there was no other choice,

so we went for a
rummage in the backup van.

That is a proper cable.

Is it rated
to four or five tonnes?

Looks like it.

It'll be incredibly heavy.

- Right, are we ready?
- Feet.

Here we go.

Once I'd rigged up the cables

with no help at all
from the digger drivers,

and paid their boss...

Ten thousand MRU's.

Lord Clarkson.

I don't have a check
guarantee card, I'm afraid,

but it's OK, because
I have a "Jaaaag".

I then explained
the setup to my colleagues.

- So, I drive over there, yeah?
- Yeah.

And then the chap in that
digger is going to drive forwards

at the same speed
I'm driving down the hill.

- And then, those pulleys.
- Yes.

He can swing this arm.

So, as I perhaps change
direction as I go down the slope,

picking out a route,

you'll need to tell him to
swing it right or left. So...

- Does he speak English?
- What?

- Does he...
- No.

They're all actually Mauritanian,
but they speak Arabic and French.

- Arabic? No. French?
- French. I'm your man.

With my back-up
sorted, I climbed aboard.

Are you going to go
down in gear or in neutral?

I've got to drive,
haven't I? I need to be in first.

Right, are we ready?

Stand on us, we'll see
you right. You have our support.

Jesus.

- Bear left.
- Little bit of left.

Bit of left.

You're very close
to the... you're driving off a cliff.

But the good thing
is, due to my Stratos spotlights,

I can't see that.

OK.

I can now see what I've
got to do for the first time.

Don't like this.

Actually, really
don't like this.

I need to go left.

If you can ask him
to swing his arm left.

Swing his arm left. On it.

'Cause I don't want
to go down that gully.

S'il vous plaît, beaucoup...

left.

Droite.

Whatever you
mimed, Hammond, wasn't bad.

Come on, turn, turn,
turn, you bastard.

Come left, come left.

Come left, my little
mountain goat of a car.

- That's better.
- All straightened.

Christ, what am I doing?

Oooh, hoohoohoo.

I'd now reached a point where
I reckoned I could go the rest of the way

under my own steam.

It's not a practical, everyday
kind of solution, is it?

- It's not quick.
- No.

- And you need a couple of spare diggers.
- Yeah.

Oh!

OK, here I go.

Ooh, God, struth.

I'm going sideways.

Straighten out!

OK. Speed and power!

I'm on a road! I'm on a road!

Hammond and May, your turn now.

It's really easy,
not frightening at all.

Before we could join
Jeremy, though, we had to make sure

that our precious nine-tonne
fuel tanker got down safely.

If you had to lower
a fuel tanker down a cliff,

which two human beings would
you least like to be in charge?

Are we one million percent
sure this is going to be safe?

Not a million
percent, to be honest.

This is heavier than the Jag,
though, even with him in it.

Right, send it down.

- No, that's too much.
- Too much. Back a bit.

- Bollocks!
- Oh, dear.

That noise is horrible.

At the halfway point, the
driver asked us to release the cables

so he could do the rest
of the drop on his own.

OK, I know what it feels
like for that man in that fuel tanker.

Bottom loosening.

I think we need a bit of
serious left-hand down

if he's going to avoid the
problem that Jeremy had,

'cause he mustn't
go too far that way.

He needs to start going
left as soon as he can.

James, now that we've
moved down the hill a bit further

- for the first time.
- Yeah?

Have you seen what
I've seen over there?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no.

Gentlemen,
the fuel bowser is down.

It's stuck, but it's down.

Guys, good news.

He's made it just about to the bottom.
It's not going to blow up, which is good.

And the front
bumper has come off,

which I think's going to work
quite well as something in the trailer.

That's
amazing. It's really, really...

That was proper impressive.

Something else.

But, I mean, it's just... And
it's no explosion, nothing.

- How did you get down?
- Oh, we came on the road.

Are you telling me...

I'm not going to
lie. It was quite a surprise.

It's behind the building site.

That's why they've got those
diggers and things over there.

- They've been building a road.
- They've just got to the top.

- It's a nice road.
- It's lovely.

We're all here.
Everybody's happy.

I'm not happy. I came down
there. I came down that, in that.

Yes, well.

That was pretty
easy. It's a new road.

It's lovely. Fresh tarmac,
a little sand on the very edges.

With the sun setting
and tarmac beneath our wheels,

we decided to knock off as many
miles as possible before dark.

I'll admit that in the day,
it is a bit toasty warm, but now...

It's just gone seven o'clock.

The sun has just gone
down behind the hill there.

This is absolutely delightful.
A mere 38 degrees.

As night fell, we
pulled off the road to make camp,

with James and I assuming Mr
Wilman had put some luxury tents

in the backup van.

I'm trying to remember
if I've ever been as irritated as this.

It's pretty poor.

This is... Even a boy
scout would say no to that.

Where's he got them from?

Did he go to Glastonbury the day
after it finished and just helped himself?

But I can't... I mean,
I'm 63 years old.

I can barely touch my
knees, leave alone my toes.

How does he think I'm going to
get dressed in that in the morning?

And do you know
what's doubly irritating?

No, but go on.

- Hammond's tent is better.
- It's much better.

I'm never going
to be able to get to sleep

knowing that Hammond is
having a better time 20 feet away.

I do not need a tent like that.

It's translucent apart
from anything else.

Did he go into a shop and
say, "What is the cheapest tent?"

"What is
the cheapest tent?"

You know supermarkets are
claiming to recycle their carrier bags...?

After a wretched night,

we headed south-west once
more into the vast heat of Africa.

But on the plus side,

this leg of the
journey started out

as a slice of petrol head heaven.

First, there was a
gravel rally stage.

And then, there was what
felt like an alpine pass.

Whoa, tarmac!

Jesus! What a road!

And then...

We hit a surface that
all of us absolutely hate.

Oh God, it's washboard.

Oh, bad bit.

Aha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Let it end.

Now, please, I beg of you.

You might not believe
this is bad, viewers, but look.

One of my air vents has
been shaken free of the car.

From where we were sitting,
that was the least of his problems.

James, your
Maserati looks very wobbly.

Like fall apart
clown car wobbly.

The wings are
moving, everything.

Oh my God, I see what you mean.

The whole body is vibrating.

It's absolutely
shocking in here.

Do you think Mr Wilman thought to put
some spare pelvises in the backup van?

Oh God.

We have done
42 kilometres of this.

I'm sick of this washboard road.

Mercifully, a
town with smooth roads

soon hoved into view.

This town, Chinguetti,

a thousand years ago, and I
do mean a thousand years ago,

was a staging post between
Timbuktu and the coast,

and they stored all
their literature here.

Every building was a library.
All of learning was in this town.

Today, the town is split
in two by a Wadi full of soft sand.

And crossing it plainly required a
vast amount of speed and power.

Holy Jesus!

Jeremy's here.

It's quite a nice
little square, this, isn't it?

My car's looking a little bit...
It looks quite rugged now.

And what's all this?

Ah! I don't know.

Oh geeeee.

Geee, that's not good.

That's supposed
to be inside somewhere.

Is it oil or water?
Or oily water?

- Sandy, oily water?
- It's neither.

- It's power steering fluid.
- What?

The power steering fluid
is getting incredibly hot

because of all the work
it's doing, and the heat.

Have you seen?

I can see the
bonnet's up, should I...

Oh, it's just a minor...
it's just the temperature,

- bit too much heat here and there.
- It's been crying.

Yeah, it has had a little weep.

Um, it's a known thing

that they do it in the desert, DB9s.

- Listen. I wanna look round this town.
- Yes.

I've got something I
want to look at in this town.

- What? No, no, what?
- It's a library.

There's lots of libraries. Look,
"Bibliothèque", that means library.

There's three of them, I think.

There used to be what,
700? All of knowledge,

I'm right, aren't I, pretty
much, was stored here.

All of Arab knowledge, yes.

Right, we'll
see you in a minute.

The reason why I wanted
to look around this historical site

is because soon,
it won't be here.

The desert is...
eating the town.

- What?
- It's eating it.

Bloody
hell. Look at this.

He's not gonna be mowing
his lawn anymore, is he?

So it's feet deep, metres deep.

- Why is the desert eating the town?
- Look at that!

Well now, there's a
thing called global warming.

Heard of that.

And because of it, the
Sahara Desert is moving south

at the rate of four
metres a year.

So this is what, wind
moving the sand?

Yes, it's just... Well, the vegetation
is dying and becoming desert.

- Hundred years, all that's desert.
- Gone.

That's probably
the top of a house.

Bloody...
I'm staggered by this.

- Tell you what though, Hammond?
- What?

It has given me an idea.

What?

You're gonna like this.

Meanwhile,
in one of the libraries,

I was being shown some
incredible ancient texts.

There's actual gold used
in this bit, this is gold.

Yeah.

It's gilded.

Yeah, this one.

It is stunning, this one.

Said that an American tourist

visited the guy in the library,

and he asked him
to sell him the book.

Then he told him
if he would sell it,

he's gonna give him a house
in Florida, and he said no.

It's the legacy of his
great-grandparents.

I think you did the right thing.

You don't want a
house in Florida.

It's all hot and sticky and
full of people with guns.

Can I touch a
500-year-old astronomy book?

This is the relative
motions of the Moon and...

the Earth and the Sun.

So that's pre-Copernicus,
presumably, so it's about the same time,

and in the Arab world I don't
think they had yet recognised

that the Sun should be
considered in the middle.

Bear in mind as well that
what we're talking about here,

the 11th century, is our
understanding of the 11th century...

Having sent the
librarians into a deep sleep,

James finally emerged
into the sunlight.

Hey, how are
you doing? Was it good?

Yeah, it was bloody fantastic.

Lots of books but this ancient one with
diagrams in about lives of the prophets,

and every one was an
illustration, like a picture.

His mood is about to change.

What have you done?
What have you done?

Well we've been hanging
around. We've walked about,

looked at the town, haven't we?

- You've noticed.
- Oh that?

- Ah. That wasn't us.
- No.

- It's...
- We got back

from looking round this
other bit of the town...

- Yes.
- And found this.

You've heard of dust
devils, those little like spinning winds?

- Yes.
- Where you parked, at this intersection.

I think it maybe amplified
the effect of the wind

and just picked it up
and deposited it there.

And you saw this happen?

No, we didn't, cos we were
looking round the other town.

The only other
thing we can think of,

we've wracked our brains, is
that they don't have tickets here,

if you park in the
middle of the road.

The traffic wardens simply
fill your car with sand.

That's a... that's very good.

But what if my car doesn't
work? And how the hell do I get it out?

- Where's the key?
- Ah.

Where did you leave it?

On the centre console,
where I always leave it.

If you just open the
doors, the sand'll fall out.

Well, it's locked.

You see, I never lock my car.

Just in case this
exact thing happens.

OK, give me a
shovel, I'll get it. You...

Oh, bugger off then.

Having left James to
sort out his freak sandstorm issue,

we headed for the backup van,

because we'd decided
to solve the problems

caused by the horrendous
washboard roads.

Oh God, it's a, it's a...

Oh, burning, ah!

Ah! Thank you.

If you wanna do any welding.

Or chainsawing.

Or role play.

Now hang on a minute.
I could do something with these.

Yes, I can.

While James
toiled away emptying his car...

Oh, stupid.

...we got busy with
what we'd found in the van,

and soon our washboard
solution modifications were ready.

- So I found this in the truck.
- Yes.

- It's a cultivator.
- It is.

It might work,

but normally cultivators
are towed behind the tractor.

Yes, but I'd have to drive over the
rough road before cultivating it level.

That wouldn't work.

No, it would be more sociable.

I'm not.

- You're not what, sociable?
- Sociable.

I want this for me to
work and make my life better.

But I think
you'll find my solution

surpasses this by a
factor of several million.

I've literally no idea

why Mr Wilman put two
snowmobiles in the van,

knowing we're going to the
Sahara Desert, but I'm glad he did.

Let me explain. OK.

Instead of using the skis,
I've fitted wheels at the front,

but we're not really
interested in this.

What we are interested
in is the tracks.

They're gonna be whizzing
along in front of my wheels,

smoothing out the ridges

in the washboard.

So when I arrive, incredibly
smooth, it'll be like a billiard table.

They're gonna be going
eeeee, like two massive belt sanders?

Yes. Exactly
right, they're belt sanders,

mounted to the front
of a Jaguar F-Type.

- Yeah.
- Off road Jag.

An F-Off roader type.

It's incredible, isn't it?
Rather than be locked up in a drab cell,

in a jacket that
does up at the back,

you've had so many opportunities
to make your insanity real.

There it is!

With the
technical briefings over,

it was time to put
theory into practice.

Raising rig.

Richard
Hammond. To the future.

I'm guessing that
most of the people in this town

have not yet seen a snowmobile.

They're going to be quite surprised
to hear what its primary purpose is.

Obviously, I have it
in a raised position right now.

I can hydraulically lower it.

It's just like James
Bond's Lotus.

In normal car mode,
it's just a normal car.

Once we came to a
washboard section of road outside the town,

we prepared for
our maiden trial.

Snowmobiles are running.

Right, I'm doing
it. I'm doing it.

Here we go. Lowering.

And here we go.

By Jove, I think it's working.

I mean I...

Yeah.

I am sculpting the roads.
I'm smoothing them.

Ha ha ha ha!

I am grading the road.

God!

Cannot believe
that this is happening.

Oh yeah.

And I'll just sit
here now and relax.

And it's not just me that's
benefitting. Remember that.

The whole of
Africa is benefitting.

Oh, stones are coming. See,
it's kicking up some stones.

Oh yeah, that can happen.

Yeah.

Oh yeah, that's some big stones.

But despite
this teething problem,

when we pulled over a few
miles later to inspect our work,

the results were unquestionable.

You look on the left-hand side of the
road, which is what we have graded,

that side,

and then look at the right-hand side
of the road, which we haven't graded,

- I mean it... proof.
- It works, it works.

- You could run an F1 race on that.
- Oh, easy.

We then decided
to be fully public spirited,

and drive side by side, so we
could smooth out all of the road.

OK, Hammond, let's go.

We could do dual carriageways.

I reckon I can go
a bit deeper here.

Just gotta... I'm learning
to finesse the system now.

Shit!

Oh shit!

Oh, my God!

I've never seen
anything like it.

I just saw a puff of smoke
and it leapt that thing and...

At least there are no witnesses.
Apart from the people in this lorry.

Ooh.

- I'm just gonna quietly move along.
- Yeah.

Right.

If I drive alongside, people
won't spot that there's one missing.

Yeah, good thinking Hammond.

Well, that was unique.
I'm pretty confident...

Oh.

Oh, I think it just broke.

After this second incident,
we decided to abandon all road mending

for the foreseeable future.

Initially, our experiment
was brilliant, and then everything went

terribly, badly wrong...

very quickly indeed.

Had you prepared
speeches? I had.

I didn't know whether
I'd get a CBE or an OBE.

I was gonna get a
statue and do a TED talk.

I'm probably
not gonna get either now,

particularly if my snowmobile
crashes into a remote village.

Assuming May
would eventually catch up,

we decided to press on.

But, as darkness fell, my
Aston began to play up.

Again.

Er, I'm just overheating again.

I've been told to stop
immediately by the car.

I can't seem to get past third
gear, so it's running at too high RPM.

OK, Hammond. Um, there's
literally nothing I can do about that.

No, that was a
sigh, but you're right.

As my colleague's
taillights dissolved into the night,

I was left to
trundle on... alone.

Er, it's late and I can't go much
more than 20 miles an hour.

The gearbox is failing. It won't
shift up. I'm stuck in second.

And if I run it any higher than
one and a half thousand RPM,

the engine overheats.

Also I'm getting warnings
telling me check battery off switch,

brake failure, stop safely and my
dashboard lights have gone out.

Oh, they've come back!

SRS airbag service urgent.

Rollover protect fault.
DSC service required.

Come on.

Gonna get you to camp.

Bit of work.

The next morning,
James and I were reunited.

Oh God.

Oh.

Oh I'm empty.

- Morning, May.
- Morning.

Have you seen
what's missing from this picture?

Yes.

I am behind the other two.
They're some miles ahead.

I will find them,

but I can't go on any further,
until I've sorted this car.

So I kipped here
last night, cos I can,

cos I've got an
Aston Martin hotel.

But the Aston Martin
bit isn't working very well.

I did the launch of this car. I
remember when they came out.

It's from the exact point when
cars started getting cleverer.

But not clever enough.

Normally everything electric on a
car was controlled by a separate wire,

which is OK when all
you had was a horn.

But by this time, everything
was worked with electronics,

so they combined them all
into one gigantic, very clever wire

that went all the way round the car and
stopped off at all the different things.

And the car can feel everything,
its brakes, its suspension,

which is great, until
it can't feel them.

So if it can't feel its gearbox,
it stops using its gearbox.

Somewhere in there is one little
thing that's just shorting across,

and it's sending the whole of its
central nervous system into meltdown.

And it could be
anywhere in there.

What's made it worse, is the desert.
It's hot. Full of stones and sand.

It's hot, so it needs cooling.

Here is a little radiator at
the front, tiny little cooler.

That cools oil for the gearbox,
which is right at the back.

One of the stones has gone
through the radiator, and made a hole.

That's allowed the oil to leak out and
spread over the front of the radiator,

mingle with the sand and
build a brick wall in front of itself.

So the gearbox is overheating.

That I could probably do something
about, but as for the electronics,

I'm just gonna have to look

until I can physically
find a problem to mend.

After an hour of
fettling, I got back on the road,

but the Aston was
by no means mended.

I'm moving, which is good.
But I've only got one gear

and I've no idea what's happening
to the engine or anything else

cos none of my
gauges are working.

Temperature, nothing.

That's why it's not
letting me change gear.

It's not giving me any information
because it's not getting any information.

Oh, hello. The fuel bowser.

Well, I've no idea if I've got
any fuel, but I'll get some anyway.

My gauge doesn't work.

- Oh, look.
- Here he is.

- It's working!
- Yes. More or less.

I'm just gonna give it a rest.

- How many gears have you got?
- One.

- Which one?
- I don't know.

Absolute catastrophe.

Right, fuel.

- I've no idea if I need it.
- I didn't have...

- You've no dials.
- I've got nothing!

It does that as well. I
don't know what that is.

You never heard Bond's Aston
sounding like that, did you?

- Sounds brilliant.
- How fast were you going, Bond?

"I don't know. Speedo were
broken. I only had one gear."

- Do you know what?
- What?

- We've been here three days.
- Yeah.

- I must have drunk 60 litres of water.
- Easy.

I haven't peed once and now
I think this has encouraged it.

I can feel one coming.
I'm gonna go for a slash.

- I haven't had a pee.
- No, don't need it!

Well, the sun has boiled
it all out of us. But...

But it's actually got... No, genuinely,
I haven't had a pee since I got here.

Go and have one.

I'm gonna try, because
it's been a while.

I definitely still
don't want one.

After a few minutes
of assuming the position,

we finally had some
sort of success.

You know you get those charts
that tell you the colour of your pee.

- It tells you how healthy you are.
- Yeah.

This colour's not on that chart.

This is just a thin stream of hot
sand falling through a milk straw.

Mine's like a stair banister.

I could actually pull it,
and it's made a toffee.

Might do that
again in another week.

Ah! My seat is so hot.

Ignition on. Dashboard off.

That is working.

Do I have drive?

No, yes, I do.

- What was that?
- What the...? What?

What the hell was that?

What? Why would it...?

Why did you
tie it to the fuel bowser?

You and I were...

May.

- Did you do this?
- What?

Well, somebody tied
it to the fuel bowser.

What if the fuel
bowser had blown up?

Oh, I know what that is.

The freaky meteorological
conditions can tangle up

a stray bit of strop blowing
around, and tie it onto things.

That's my home.

I can't put it back on.

- Cos it's smashed.
- What a rotten bit of luck. Let's go.

That means we're going to have
to look at an Aston Martin DB9

driving through
the desert and not...

a Metrocab.

- This is bullying in the workplace.
- I didn't do it! I was having a piss.

Well, it wasn't a piss. I was
ejecting some Rolos from my body.

That's a beautiful car
you've got there, Hammond.

Shut up.

Today our plan was to
reach the capital city of Nouakchott.

And as we didn't think
that would take too long,

I suggested a
cultural diversion.

I was talking yesterday to um,
an old woman outside that library,

and she said if we keep
going down this road,

we get to this enormous
eye in the desert.

What?

Apparently, it's called
the Eye of Africa.

It's supposed to be the
most amazing thing on Earth.

- Is it?
- It's a weird geological event.

But some people say it's
the Lost City of Atlantis.

It was actually...
Nobody knew about it

until the Apollo astronauts
saw it from space.

Really?

I know it sounds implausible,
but that's what she said.

Did she also try and sell
you some magic beans?

If we pick up the pace a bit,

we'd have the time to spend
a little while looking for it.

I can't pick up the
pace. I've got one gear.

Well, listen, May and I
can form an advance party

by picking up
the pace, all right?

And when we find it,
we'll give you a bell.

If you find a spare
tent as well, I'd be grateful.

Taking me to the Eye
of Africa. Here I come!

That super charger.
Eat. Eat fuel!

What else is out there in the
desert, along with the gigantic eye?

A massive nose.

I know there's a pair
of huge tits out there.

Having made good
progress on the smooth tarmac,

James and I were nearing the
location of the mysterious eye.

OK, James. If the
old woman is to be believed

the gigantic eye is along here.

There isn't an eye.

Well, you won't be
saying that when you crest that hill,

and there's an enormous
eye there. You just watch.

A good few miles back,

my chances of joining the other
two were becoming slimmer.

Right, gauges have just come
on briefly, and it's bad news,

temperature really high.

All I can do

is proceed at what pitch tells
me is 2,000 RPM in my one gear,

and I could do with stopping
and putting my roof up.

I'm gonna pull up in this
magnificent village square,

because I'm being cooked.

I give in.

They can drive with their
roofs off. I'm not brave enough.

Please don't be stuck.

Oh God!

No, that's not acceptable.

Ooh!

Christ, I've just...

Um...

That's the rollover
that deploys in a crash.

That's good.

Well, it can't happen again,
can it? It's gone. It's just see... ah.

Um, I just tried to
start it, and it's, it's...

Things just got a lot
worse really quickly!

Meanwhile, deep in the desert,

we still hadn't found
what we were looking for.

No eye, no eye, no eye.

Camels, camels'
eyes, but no eyes.

Christ, that is
a terrible noise!

Aghh.

What is the point of this,
Clarkson? There is no giant eyeball.

We're just wrecking the cars.

For a bit more persevering
we might just get over that crest there,

and there it is.

Bollocks!

Cock!

I'm stuck, and it's your fault.

All this stuff about
seeing from outer space.

Think about the thing, the
Great Wall of China, famously

"you can see that
from out of space."

You can also see it when
you're standing next to it.

It is there. You just, you
won't let me go and have a look for it.

Or it might have been a
fairytale that Gypsy Rose told you,

because you'd given her £1.50.

All right, all right,
fine, well I'll... we'll give in.

I don't like giving in,
but I'm going to give in.

Yeah, but you're giving
in looking for something like an eye

in the middle of Africa.

- Yes, it's a huge eye.
- Huge, but how huge?

Well, it's, the way she
described it, like massive huge.

- Where's Hammond, by the way?
- That is a good question.

I'm assuming he's not
bothered to coming to look at the eye

cos he just thinks...

OK, I know this is probably a
pointless exercise, but let's...

No signal at all.

That is of no help.

There's no huge amounts
of fluid that've come out,

but even if they had, that wouldn't
explain it just being dead at the key.

It's clearly electrics.

If its feeble 2005 brain
has given up, I've had it.

The only other thing, battery.

That's not gone flat has
it? But it's behind this seat.

Oh dear Lord! Salvation!

No way. Hang on,
let me just check.

The live battery terminal
has shaken loose.

Literally this has shaken
itself undone. It was like that.

I got going, and
there was more good news,

because the gearbox had decided
to actually be a gearbox again.

Aston Martin! Yeah ha ha ha!

I've got gears, and everything.

Meanwhile, on our
way back to the main road,

May and I had been rather
distracted by something we had found.

This.

- Bloody Nora, look at this!
- Hey, look!

Jesus wept!

- Ho ho ho ho.
- Is that an oasis?

Literally no
evidence that I'm English.

Wait.

Come and have a seat. I've got just
the thing we should be listening to.

I can't find anything to commemorate
the demise of Richard Hammond.

You know Gordon Lightfoot
also died today. So...

- Did he?
- Yeah.

♪ If you could read
my mind, love ♪

♪ What a tale my
thoughts could tell ♪

♪ Just like an old time movie ♪

♪ 'Bout a ghost
from a wishing well ♪

♪ In a castle dark
or a fortress strong ♪

♪ With chains upon my feet ♪

♪ You know that ghost is me ♪

♪ And I will never be set free ♪

♪ As long as I'm a
ghost, you can't see ♪

Just to give you an
idea of how empty Mauritania is,

I've now done a
hundred miles on this,

the main road from one side
of the country to the other,

and I haven't seen another
car, not one, nothing.

It's just...

it hurts your head,

the bigness of this
place, and the emptiness.

I do believe it's
a disfigured Aston Martin.

Yes, it is.

My colleagues caught up with me

just as my haunted car
started to play up... again.

I've lost gearbox.

Oh, now it's beeping!

Why have my windows opened?

Why have my... who... I didn't ask
them. Why have my windows opened?

It's actively disobeying
and tormenting me now.

It's, uh, decided to
open the windows,

and take away the
ability to change gear,

accompanied by a maddening beep.

I thought the
beeping might be happening

because the car didn't believe
my roof was secured properly.

So, I pulled over
to test my theory.

Bastard!

It's still beeping!

It's got a very convenient roof, you
just press the button, and it goes down,

and then you have to
get out and jump on it.

They do say that people are
driven mad in the desert after a while.

What about in the
middle? The bit in the middle.

Such a yobbo.

Just stop beeping!
It's all right!

Did you say you thought
you might be in second gear?

Well, it won't tell me what gear
I'm in, but I think it's second, yes.

But if I go any faster, it
overheats very quickly.

James, once again we
face a dilemma, don't we?

We drive all the way to the
coast at 38 miles an hour,

or... we don't.

Let me think about
that one for a bit.

I've come to the
same conclusion.

Absolute bastards.

There were still
200 miles to go to the capital.

So James and I pulled over

in a small town to rendezvous
with the fuel bowser.

And we got an unexpected bonus.

This is a runway.

Yes.

I'm just thinking maybe...

while we're waiting for Hammond,

we could do some car
stuff in our car program me.

- What do you have in mind?
- Well, I'm thinking of a drag race.

Oh, what a good idea.

It'd be quite
interesting, if you think about it.

And I have wanted to know
actually since we set off.

You've got a lot more power than
I have, haven't you? You've got...

I've got more power. I've got
434, but I've got more weight.

You're 434 horsepower. I'm
375. How much does this weigh?

- 2 tons.
- Cos I'm 1.6.

- It'd be quite...
- Interesting...

It'd be an interesting experiment,
for the ladies and gentlemen.

Yes.

And so, with that decided,
we headed to the end of the runway,

erected some drag
race paraphernalia,

and prepared for the off.

Right, what do I
need? Sport mode,

yes! Traction
control, I think off.

I'm in manual, but due to the
unique way I've modified this car,

I'm unable to change
any of the programs.

Well, due to the unique way
you filled my car with sand,

I have some trouble with
the buttons, but I've got it now.

Wait a minute. Look who's here.

Terminator
3: Rise of the Machines.

- Just in time.
- What?

- Just in time.
- What for?

Drag race.

I'm not really in a
position to do a drag race.

- Turn it off.
- Ah, no, no, no.

That would be a poor move.

- Why can't you turn it off?
- It probably will never start again.

You know we were on the verge
of starting a very tense drag race?

Have you seen Terminator 3?

People have wondered
for many years

when would Skynet
become fully self-aware.

In an Aston Martin being driven by you
in Mauritania, no one saw that coming.

What if this idiot learns to
communicate with other machines.

- It is moronic, isn't it?
- It's a moron!

Uh, Hammond, Hammond.

- What?
- What's that?

What the bloody hell
is that doing here?

- Is that one of yours?
- Well...

- What do you mean, one of mine?
- What else is it going to be?

- How long has it been going?
- Since he let it loose.

- That was 150 miles away. Oh Jesus!
- You released it into the desert.

- Oh, you don't...
- What that, it's...

Jeez!

Awww.

- That was your fault.
- What?

Well, it was your snowmobile.
They aren't any others in the Sahara.

I can't possibly have predicted
that it would hit the fuel bowser.

- You released it...
- From 150 miles away.

- You released it into the wild.
- I didn't release it. It escaped!

- We were told to behave ourselves.
- Yes.

I think we should depart.

Yeah, we should go. Um...

- Fairly quickly?
- Yes.

Please change gear. Change gear now.

Now! Now is the time.
It's... now is the time.

Don't argue with me. Now
is the time to change gear!

James and I
covered ground at a brisk pace,

putting as much distance
between us and the explosion

as possible.

And soon we became consumed by
the stark beauty of our surroundings.

The view on both sides,
especially that side, is spectacular.

It's almost like snow
dunes, the sand is so pale.

It's fantastic.

My temperature
has plummeted to 37.

Oh yes, I'm down to 38.

Wow! That's positively chilly.

Eventually, Jeremy
and I arrived in the capital city,

where it soon became clear

that we aren't as well known as
we are in other parts of the world.

Richard!

Somebody just
called me "Richard."

If the young man
wanted to see the real Richard,

he'd be waiting a long while,

given how Hammond and
the Terminator were getting on.

Come back. Work, you twat.

Can we not just...
OK, it's your gearbox.

Can we think of
it as our gearbox?

We both, we share a gearbox.

The central
locking just went off.

It just locked its doors.

Several hours later,

Skynet propelled my one
gear car into Nouakchott,

where there was
good enough Wi-Fi

for me to connect the
car's malfunctioning brain

to a diagnostic laptop.

Right, 200 miles on one gear.

So laptop, I'm talking to it in zeros
and ones, the language it understands.

And I'm now going to see
what it's panicking about.

It's worrying about
a lot. Oh my God!

I'm in passenger door model,
it's worrying about its door.

Worry about your gearbox.

Global positioning module,
that's why I was in Nottingham.

I don't believe most of
these are mechanical faults.

Nothing's gone wrong.
It's just got upset.

If I hit this,

this is basically the
"don't worry" button.

I'm going to do it.

Forget about it.
It's clearing them.

Please, give me control
of the car, and let me drive.

So, hopefully...

Can't look.

Yeah! There you go!

That's nothing to moan about.

So I think I've got gears.

The next morning, as
we set off to look around town,

it was the moment of truth.

It changed gear! It changed
gear! It changed gear!

I've got gears. It
just changed gear.

So, John Connor,
you're fighting back.

Oh yes!

Our aim was
to do a bit of sightseeing,

but immediately
we got distracted

by the heroic brilliance
of Mauritania's cars.

Yes, the suspension's gone.

He's just crashed.
He just crashed.

Is that what that noise was?

Maybe, one explanation for some of
the crashes that happened to this car

is the fact that you
can't see out of it.

When, when does
it stop being a car?

I suppose when it stops
moving. Until then, it's a car.

I think one day it's driving
on, and just disappears.

Eww.

Oh, that wasn't good.

He's going to
keep, he's gonna keep going.

Fantastic.

He can't stop. That
bloke got to hang on to the door.

- Another one.
- Yes.

I like the
pedestrian safety feature.

But it's working! It's...

Hammond you worried about
your Aston, and honestly...

Well, that's why I can't
make a fuss, isn't it?

I mean, I've only
kind of started.

Having lapped up
these Mauritanian war horses,

we decided to go
to a café for a drink...

of hot brown water.

What does an MOT testing
centre look like here I wonder.

Invisible.
Ah! A Mercedes.

Look, every
panel, more than once.

Not just once.

Oh yeah,
that's a lifetime's work.

And, John, how's your car,
or is Skynet still winning?

I'm fighting it, and
it's fighting back.

Has it said, "Are
you Sarah Connor?"

I'm wondering if I can sign up to be
part of the Borg, and fight it directly.

That is a cracker!

Look at that.

- Great one, look at that one.
- That's nice.

He's cruising,
arm out the window.

That isn't tea, but it is quite nice,
and even you will say it's quite nice.

It might have some tea in it.

- I'd rather have a beer.
- You what?

I'd rather have a beer.

Now on that front...

I know of a chain
of off-licences

to be found in every single
capital city in the world,

and even in a dry country, a Muslim
country like this one, which is very dry,

you could always get a gin and
tonic or a refreshing pint of beer.

An off-licence here.
What's it called?

It's everywhere. It's
called the British Embassy.

Ah! Is it?

Best sort.

That is
sovereign British territory.

Yes.

They're bound to welcome
us, perhaps less so you,

and then we can
have a refreshing drink.

- Where is it?
- Finish your tea.

I don't want it.

At Hammond's insistence,
I found the number for the embassy,

got us an appointment,
and we headed over there...

immediately.

This is my
favourite part of this job,

getting to a town like this...

Just the buzz you get
from a town like this.

Gordon Bennett!

Hammond's had an accident.

He's just rammed my Aston.

Oh no, someone's driven
into his pristine DB9.

You should drive
more carefully, Hammond.

It wasn't me! He
just went through.

OK, we have a winner. Ladies
and gentlemen, we have a winner.

- Oh!
- I have no idea what it is,

or was.

Well, I actually
genuinely don't know what that was.

Not a clue,
but it's a bit of estate car.

I think that's the
end of our car spotting here,

because you simply
cannot beat that.

After a few crash-free
miles, we arrived at the British Embassy.

It's here,
chaps. Here is our club.

Do you address them
as Your Ambassadorship,

or something like that?

Yes, your Supreme-beings hip.

Or how about just 'landlord'?

Gin!

Anyway, listen, listen.

I find it polite when somebody says
"Can I offer you a drink," you say, no,

and then they're, "Are you
sure," and you go, "Well..."

And you look at
your watch, and go,

"Well, all right, just the one."

But you don't say
yes straight away.

Because, "Would you like a gin
and tonic?" "Yes!" Don't do that.

Yeah, I think it's
polite, yes, yes, yeah.

I can only think about gin.

Ooh that's very
nice. Ooh isn't that very nice.

- Only the British do this.
- There's a lawn.

- That's a lawn.
- There's a bar, but don't look at it.

- Hey!
- Good morning.

Good
morning. How are you?

Colin Wells. It's very nice to meet
you. You're looking very smart.

- Oh yes.
- Hello.

He spent all night fighting
the Terminator. Hence the shirt.

Successfully.

- Please go inside.
- Thank you.

How's it been going?

Pretty good
actually, for us two.

Um, we were slightly confused when
we found we were coming to Mauritania,

cos while we're
quite well travelled,

we all look, all of us... Well,
he didn't think it existed at all.

He thought it was a
C.S. Lewis invention.

But what did you feel like,
when you got the posting?

Oh very happy. I
wanted to come here.

- You wanted to?
- I wanted to come here.

- You knew where it was.
- I did know where it was,

and a lot of people in my life
thought I was going to Mauritius

when I told them I
was going to Mauritania.

Exactly. "Yes, I've got
Mauritius." Mauritania?

I'm sorry, I should offer you
a drink. I'm really sorry. Um...

- Yes please.
- Would you like a drink? We've got um...

a good range of teas here,

if that would be uh... Would
that sound all right to you?

- I've got English Breakfast, Ceylon.
- No, um...

- Tea, yes.
- Yeah, lovely.

I'll just go and
order one of those.

- Thank you.
- Just excuse me just for a moment.

That's very hospitable.

You lied.

- Now look what's happened.
- It's your fault.

- Why is it my fault?
- You mishandled it.

This is British territory.

Did we check that he does drink?

I mean it's unlikely that an
ambassador wouldn't drink but...

Have you seen him?

That's not a man
who's drank tonic water all his life.

If we'd immediately said,
"Actually could I have a drink drink?"

I will agree. My good manners
have got us into a spot of bother here.

Yes.

Can I ask whilst we're alone,

as you're a Jag driver, which
painting are you going home with?

Cos there's some very nice ones.

- Where are you going?
- Oh, chaps.

I've ballsed this up completely.

It's his "Ferraro Roche".

- You daft sod!
- OK, that is...

That's not very am bass... These
people are trained to be suave.

They're smart, and cool,

and you've knocked over their
tower of Ferrero Roche, you cretin!

Put those
back on in the right order.

- Sorry, I shouldn't be laughing.
- You've trodden on that one.

- I haven't trodden on it.
- Somebody has.

Right, quickly, sit down.

- Oh, sorry to be slow.
- Oh, I say.

That's a rather fine pot.

Yeah,
that's our official crockery.

That's exactly what I wanted, a
cup of tea, it's very refreshing, isn't it?

It is.

Thank you very much.

After a polite pot or two,

we made our excuses and were
able to resume our tour of the city.

Let's have another gear
change. Come on, let's do it again.

Let's do it again. Come on.

Aww, another gear change.

Soon, we came
across something rather intriguing.

What is going on here?

It's a very wide road.

I know what this is.

What?

They built an airport
right next to the city,

and then the city grew, and
sort of swamped the airport.

And they've been left with a runway
right in the middle of the capital city.

Oh yes, cos look, there's
more city over there, so it's...

- Yeah.
- It's not on the edge. It's in it.

Is this not an
excellent opportunity

for something we failed to do
the other day, i.e. a drag race?

Oooh yes!

Runways are
indeed for drag races.

- And he...
- And he's mended.

You can take part.

I haven't raised it with the
forces of evil in there yet,

but I'd love to have a go.

Since the runway was as
empty as any other abandoned airstrip,

we decided we were good to go.

Right, sport,
traction control off,

use the paddles, sunglasses
down, windows up, ready.

It's taken sport mode away.

You know my sport
button? It's decided I can't have it.

Oh no, I can again.

Thank you... Master.

V6, V8, V12.

Which would be quickest?

A good start from the Jag.

Oh! My car is fast!

One gear, two gears.
Brilliant! It's working!

Hang on a minute.
That is... that's traffic.

The runway has traffic.
Holy shit, I'm gonna have a...

Whoa!

Maniac!

Jeez, what the...

Shit!

Oh dear God!

Oh, that's a... that's a...
I was going to hit that...

Holy moly!

That was the weirdest
drag race I've ever done.

This is not
an empty runway, is it?

I don't think it's a runway
anymore. I think it might be a road.

Let's not do that again.

Thank you for giving me the
brakes when I needed them.

I'm very grateful
and I appreciate it.

Thank you.

The next morning,
we were up bright and early,

because it was time
to leave Nouakchott.

These lorries full of sand,
who are they going to sell it to?

They've got some lovely
sand for sale over here.

There are big piles of it here.

In case you didn't
like the sand earlier,

there's some sand there.

Very competitive market, sand.

Why do they sell sand?

You can literally walk 30 feet.

We then left the
capital, heading south for Senegal.

And after a few hours, we started to
notice a change in our surroundings.

I wouldn't call it lush,

but it's less barren than
anything we've seen so far,

that's for sure.

I think we're very close to the
edge of the Sahara Desert here.

What are they on the
right? Are they cows?

Many cows. It's a herd.
That's definitely been farmed.

Look at it.

And that tells me that
we have crossed the Sahara.

Hello, cows. Look at you!

Grass. I'm driving
on grass for the first time

in what feels like 500 years.

What we're looking for
is a border into Senegal.

So there'll be, like, you know,
a checkpoint. And in we go.

We drove further and
further along the myriad of tracks,

but even after an hour,

we still hadn't found anything
that looked remotely official.

Where's this bloody border?

I was expecting, like, a fence
and a checkpoint, maybe.

Yeah, a passport and
so on. Yeah, definitely.

Finally, our
search seemed to bear fruit.

This has to be a
border town. It has to be.

Oh, no.

I've got a horrible feeling.

Houston,

we have a problem.

That, I suspect, is the border.

Um...

Excusez-moi.
C'est Sénégal, là?

Sénégal. C'est
Mauritanie? Sénégal?

Senegal, right.

Jeremy, there's a
huge river in the way.

The border is a bit more
rivery than I thought it was going to be.

- I thought a fence.
- I did.

That's all right.
There's a bridge.

I'll get my phone out.

What are you entering?
"Bridges near me"?

There's a road.

We're the best explorers.

- Oh, town there. No bridge.
- No bridge.

Oh, Jesus.
Well, how do you get to...

So nobody
ever goes there in a car?

No.

OK, look, I've gone about
a hundred miles down...

- That's...
- upstream, and there's no bridge.

This is precisely why
people use rivers as borders.

Could we get the cars on...

No.

On that?

Two of those boats, I
was thinking about. It's a bit...

But boats that... Hang on...

What if we built a boat?

- Out of dust, or sand?
- I don't mean an ark.

I just mean, like,
a... What about...

What have we got here? Two,
four, six... Nearly six tons of car.

It doesn't really need to be a
boat. It just needs to be a platform.

What do you see a
hell of a lot of here?

Just anywhere you stand?

What have I
seen since I got here? Dust.

- Sand.
- Goats.

- Camels.
- That's it.

- And one other thing...
- There's sand, there's camels.

In vast numbers.

Plastic bottles.

- Yes.
- Flattened plastic bottle.

Yes, but plenty... We've
just driven over that one.

What if we find...
Well, find, just gather.

- Yeah, one, two...
- As many plastic bottles as we can.

There's one over there. Over
there. They're everywhere.

- It's a good point.
- And we build...

If we could get... What do
they do with... Look, nets.

- You're suggesting we get a fishing net.
- Yes.

- Fill it with plastic bottles.
- Yes.

- I agree that would float.
- Yes.

- Then we put a car on it.
- Yes.

I don't agree that would float.

- It will if you have enough bottles.
- Exactly.

It's buoyancy.
It's just physics.

It's not a cruel and
unpredictable mistress.

No, it isn't.

- What isn't?
- Buoyancy.

- Of course it is.
- It's Archimedes.

It's been understood for...

Nobody would drown if it
wasn't cruel and unpredictable.

- It's been known since antiquity...
- Yes.

And the rules still work.

Also, we are tidying up.

- That I agree with.
- That's true. Yes.

We're leaving the place
better than we found it.

On that basis, then,
shall we cue the music?

- Mm-hm.
- Cue the music.

That could be very useful.

Perfect.

I need a lie-down.

No, all right? Just
no. I'm not interested.

Oh. Oh, yes.

Having spent thousands of pounds

on a license to use
all that A-Team music,

our raft was finally completed.

And to see whether it worked, we
decided to send the backup van first.

- We've drawn a crowd.
- Yes.

Expecting us
all to drown, which we will.

- No, we won't.
- We will.

- They'll be disappointed.
- We will.

- Clarkson!
- What?

- Straight back. Am I good that side?
- Yeah, straight back.

Hey-hey-hey!

Right.

Now, um, this is my idea, yeah?

So I'm the captain. This time.

Uh, jobs. There are three.

I'm going to be with the van. So
my job is drive it off at the other side.

James, you're on the front.

When we get there, you've got
to get us on the bank and safe.

Jeremy, you're operating
the motor at the back.

But, I just want to make this absolutely
clear, I don't believe this will work.

Oh, it'll work.

Well, no, listen. Genuinely, genuinely,
I don't want any cocking around,

'cause there's a disease.

Well, it's a parasite. Um.

Schistosomiasis. Uh, we can
put that on the screen at the bottom

and you can Google it. And
you'll know I'm not making this up.

In the Senegal River, which
is this, OK? It's a parasite.

If you go in the water, it
will attach itself to your skin,

burrow through your
flesh, into your bloodstream,

where it is carried to your liver and
your intestines, where it lays its eggs.

Don't jump in. Whatever
happens, we'll chug across there.

It's only there.
Look, it's there.

Firing up the motor.

HMS Shit is... aargh!

Eager to see
some comedy capsizing,

the locals were
happy to push us off.

- Oh, yes!
- We're going.

Merci! Merci!

I think if you can
turn us when we get out there.

OK.

That feels weird, calling
Richard Hammond captain.

I shall do as he says, because when
it goes wrong, it won't be my fault.

It's very slow, but it is going.

Slow and
steady, that's all we need.

Relax.

Once we've got it turned,
we'll make better headway.

I should have brought a chair.

The front's coming round.

The front is com...

Oh, shit!

- See if you can start it.
- OK, trying the motor.

Uh, chaps! We've lost...

- What?
- Nothing. Don't panic.

What have we lost?

Um, we've lost some of
the bloody... The bottles have come off.

- What?
- What?

The buoyancy bottles have
com... We are actually...

No, that isn't like we're
sinking. We actually are.

Everybody stand on
this side as far out as you can.

- Oh, Jesus!
- Who lashed those on?

Uh, Jeremy, it
really is actually sinking.

- Engine has begun.
- Excellent. Head for shore.

Right, I'm going
to try and get us back, chaps.

OK, I think you're right.
Let's... We'll learn from this.

How's it
looking at the other side?

It's looking a bit sinky.

I think, we
should be all right, I think.

It's gone again!

Oh, Jesus.

- Um.
- Is that going down...

It's going
down much more quickly.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

I think probably abandon ship.

Can you pass me a water bottle?

James!

Pass me a water bottle.

That's not worked.

- No, I don't believe it.
- I'm the captain. Bugger this.

- Hammond, you're the captain!
- I'm sorry!

Oh!

Thank you.

I'm not... I'm still on.

James, it's going to go
all the way over. You'll have to go off.

Burrowing.
They're burrowing into me.

I'm John Hurt.

It has sunk
comp... Oh, God!

- Has it gone?
- It's gone.

It's gone.

I'm all right!

Ha! Well...

- You can walk from there.
- You can walk from there.

Well, you say that...

But keep your feet moving
or you sink into the mud and it kills.

- There's this much faeces?
- Yeah, it is all faeces.

- And I have ingested...
- A lot of it?

- A lot of it.
- OK.

You're on your own.

You're gonna
need some antibiotics.

A big needle full.

Um, can I just point
something else out?

We've lost our van.

OK, that is bad, but...

we've already harvested enough
materials to build rafts for the cars.

So we're not out yet.

What's he on about?

Well, there are flaws
with that particular effort, yes.

We know we can
do better and shall.

So as soon as you're out and all
dried, there's only one thing to do.

No. It's cue the music.

What?

- We've still got to get across.
- We're not over there, are we?

- I know you feel rough.
- I do.

I know you're 63 and
you're full of beetles

- burrowing their way out of your organs.
- Yes. Into my liver.

And you're going to have chronic
diarrhoea for the next week.

- Yes.
- But over there is a bar.

- Yes.
- Over here there isn't.

Yes.

- We go over there.
- Yes.

- We're in the bar.
- So we're saying cue the music.

- Yeah.
- Cue the music.

The next day, we were ready

for border crossing 2.0.

Um, we've faced some
complexities, I admit.

Because you've got to keep the front
of the car out of the water, obviously.

But you've got to have the
back wheels just in the water

because we've
attached paddles to them,

like propellers,

which will give us forward
movement or reverse movement.

Steering?

Well, there's a rudder here

which is attached to a sort of
lever by the door mirror there.

And that won't work.

James and Richard
think it will. I think it won't.

This is brilliant.

James, do you think
this is going to work?

James, do you think this is
going to work? Jeremy's asking you.

- James May?
- What?

Do you think this
is going to work?

What?

He's so old.

Do you think... this...
is going to... work?

Yes.

Right, um, I'm going to
give it a go. Going into gear.

Keen to see a
repeat of yesterday's calamity,

the locals were even more
eager to help get us going.

Merci.

Merci, monsieur.
Merci, merci, très gentil.

Merci.

Rudder deploying.

Oh, don't touch the steering wheel,
you idiot. It doesn't do anything.

Hello!

What I'm seeing, Richard
Hammond, is you and the DB9 on a...

No, don't do that,
you selfish man.

Our landing point
on the Senegalese side

was a small beach
just 400 metres away.

Right. So, now I'm going
to execute a perfect curving turn.

Up onto the landing beach,

drive up, show my
passport, Senegal, beer.

However, we soon discovered
that for once, Jeremy had been right.

The steering didn't work.

I can't turn
left. I can only go right.

I turn left even
with full right rudder.

It won't... Mine won't
turn right. I can only go left.

I'd love to be able to
explain, ladies and gentlemen,

I'm arriving at the other side,

but I'm not. I'm arriving
back where I started from.

Come on, you bastard.

Oh, I'm in the reeds.

Mayday.

Bollocks.

Full reverse.

Oh! No, you...

Argh.

We've built pedalos, haven't we?

Yeah, but with
great brand names on the back.

For the next hour, we sailed
around, managing to go everywhere,

except the beach
we were headed for.

I'm drifting sideways in the
wrong direction, is what I'm doing.

What I've done
is two enormous U-turns.

The locals think we're deranged.

It's taking me
back to Mauritania.

I don't want to go
back to Mauritania.

Can anybody tell me what's
down here, because that's where I'm going.

The sea.

I'm completely stuck in a
corner with walls on two sides of me.

Turn, you bastard, turn.

I love the way she's
just doing her washing,

as though this happens
every single day.

Oh, bloody
hell, no. Oh no.

Oh, my God.

Stop crashing into me!

I'm back in the reeds!

Has anybody managed
to go the right way at any point?

No.

Having freed
myself from the reeds again,

I made an important
steering-related discovery.

If you go incredibly slowly,
I mean, tick over, OK,

you can turn right.

If you increase
speed, you go left.

With all of us
deploying my new discovery,

we were soon heading
in the right direction.

Oh, yes!

I am going to do it.
I am heading for the shore.

Drive, drive!

I can smell beer!

Being intelligent, I knew I'd
need a big burst of power to get ashore.

So I raised my roof to protect
my head from the parasites.

Well done.

I'm so nearly there!

Please, just for once, go left.

Oh, I've hit the bank.

Our front wheels are
in Senegal, does that count?

Oh, I think we're definitely
in Senegal, yeah, I think we've arrived.

Wha-ha-ha!

Obviously, there
is work to be done

returning these to be
normal land-based vehicles,

but there's something more
important to attend to first.

You two are different to me.

I look at that and I just
think, "Oh, what an invention!"

Now, looking at
it, savouring it,

is as enjoyable as drinking it.

Look at the condensation on
the glass, look at the bubbles,

look at the... Savour
the anticipation.

Mm-hm.

Because in
my mind, it's as good.

Visually, this is a good
experience. Aurally, it's annoying.

It's annoying?

I'm just seeing beauty,
hearing bollocks.

Obviously, we
decided to have more than one.

So, as Hammond was
getting the next round in,

I slipped out to his car

for a bit of
Terminator-based mischief.

If I Bluetooth
my phone to this speaker

and hide that in Hammond's car,

I can play messages to him and
he'll think his car is talking to him.

The next morning, we
reconvened to continue our journey.

Right.

Get out. Get out.

- What the hell was that?
- My car just told me to get out.

- No.
- It told me to get out.

I must admit, I'd tell you to
get out if I was that car, but...

- Get out.
- Do you hear that?

I did hear that.

Well, that is weird, isn't it?

Were you in its
computer the other night?

- Yes.
- That's what's gone wrong.

I was deeply intimate with it.

Anyway, forwards.

I knew it!

Child.

Hello, hello. Bonjour. Bonjour.

Bonjour.

Bonjour.

Senegal. Helluva welcome.

We were now just a couple
of hundred easy miles to the finish line

in Dakar.

And with our epic trip
this close to the end,

it seemed like a good time
to reflect on the machines

that had brought us here.

We asked at
the beginning of this show

if it would be possible to build a
rally-raid Dakar desert racer car

for less than a Lamborghini
Huracán Sterrato.

And the answer is yes.

Yes.

I'm staggered by this
car. Absolutely staggered,

'cause it's clawed its
way up rocky escarpments,

it's been across rivers,
it's blasted across dunes.

And unlike the Aston, which
is possessed by the devil,

and the Maserati, which, under
the skin, is falling to pieces,

this has not put a
single foot wrong.

I've been fond of cars we've used
on these adventures in the past,

but nothing like as
fond as I am of this.

I'm going to miss it
badly when I get to Dakar.

Really, really miss it.

Now, if I'd said to you
at the beginning "I'm going to take

"an exotic car from a
small-volume Italian manufacturer

"and I'm going to modify it and I'm
going to drive it across the desert,"

you'd have probably
said, "No, you're not."

But here we are.

It's here!

On the way to Dakar,

the finishing point for the most
dramatic and gruelling race in the world.

And let's not forget, mine is by far
the best-looking of the three cars,

and mine is the only
one that looks better now

than it did when
it was standard.

I've actually
improved the original.

Winner!

Now, you might imagine I'd struggle
to mount a convincing argument

that I've improved my
Aston Martin DB9 Volante

by turning it into a
rally racer, but hold on.

If I hadn't done that, this car, left
unchanged, would have simply...

continued living
in Peterborough,

commuting between suburban home

and a middle-sized
trading estate.

With the odd trip out to
the golf club at weekends.

It would have stayed shiny and nice,
but it would have become what it is,

which is a slightly outdated,
slowly fading example

of a once-grand grand tourer.

By doing what I've done to it,

I've been able to bring it out
here to do something incredible.

And those experiences
are now written across it

in scuffs and scrapes
and dents and cracks.

They are its lifelines,
its laughter-lines on it.

And I love it.

I made it special. It
wasn't special. Now it is.

We hit the coast in the
surprisingly pretty town of St Louis

and turned south, running
parallel with the Atlantic Ocean.

Which gave me an idea.

Why don't we go into Dakar
on the beach, like they used to?

On the rally? It was
finished on the beach.

Yes!

Naturally, my colleagues
had no objections whatsoever.

So we turned onto the sand
to complete the last 70 miles,

just as the races of
the past had done.

Supercharger engaged.

Look at that!

Paris-Dakar! This is the finish!

It will be for these exact
moments that people

endured the suffering and
hardship of doing the Paris-Dakar.

This is what they
did it for. This!

I'm going to pull alongside
Richard "The Hamster" Hammond.

Look at this! We're in a poster!

Oh, thank you!

Never had so much fun!

What a wonderful, wonderful day.

Hello.

Text message from Mr Wilman.

"Before going into Dakar, you
might want to check your news feeds."

Really?

BBC News.

Climate change, climate
change, climate change.

Floods, climate change.

Try Twitter.

Oh.

Oh, Christ.

Hang on. Coming.
Why have you stopped?

Why have you stopped?

Wilman just said,
"Check your news feeds."

That's Dakar.

What?

Dakar. There's
proper major riots.

It's kicked off.

Oh, geez.

What's that about?

God knows. It's
some political... I don't know.

- There's a lot of...
- I know there's a lot, it's...

- And it's burning buses...
- Oh, God!

- Have you seen this?
- No.

Dakar.

It's properly kicked off.
There are gun battles.

And there's
fire. There's a bus on fire.

Yeah.

Um... right.

You can't
take the crew down there.

No, I know. Nobody sh... I don't
want anyone going down there.

I mean, I knew there were
some protests planned,

but that's about
three or four days.

It's over that opposition, but
it's obviously kicked off early.

- That's now.
- Or this is something else.

- It's happening now.
- Or it's getting ready to go,

which means it's
going to get worse.

Wait a minute.

Our flight home is from Dakar.

It is.

- Well, we can't do that.
- It's not an option.

- St Louis Airport's closed.
- What?

- St Louis Airport's closed.
- It's closed?

Closed.
Refurbishment. Checked it.

That means we've got to
drive back to Nouakchott.

Seriously? Is that
the only option?

Well, I'm not going to Dakar.

Come on, it'll be fun.

It's a there and back rally.

Right, then.

It does mean one thing.

- I can use the traditional ending.
- Yes.

On that terrible
disappointment, it's time to end.

See you next time.
Thanks for watching.

F... ing hell.