All language subtitles for Only Fools and Horses S01E04 - The Second Time Around

Here we are, the finest French
lace hankies - there you are,

they're a pleasure to have the
flu with! Thank's luv.

Now hurry up girls, get in
while the going's good.

It's one for the price of two.
One for the price of two.

Keep taking their money,
I'm going to pop down

the pub to get a lemonade
for the old Hobsons.

Get us a packet of pork
scratchings would you.

Pork scratchings. Sounds like
a pig with fleas.

Come on then, get in while the
going's good.

We're not here today
gone tomorrow, we're

here today gone this
afternoon, now come on.

- Hey, hey, alright Trigger?
- Hello Del Boy, how's yer luck?

You can have it for a nicker.

Hello Joyce, I'll have a
pint of diesel oil for

Trigger and I'll have a
blackcurrant and Pernod.

- You'll never guess ho I just saw!
- Er, King Faisal of Saudi Arabia.

No. No, yer miles off Del!

No, no, I knew he wouldn't be in here.
He'd be in the saloon bar wouldn't he.

- I'm joking, Trigger.
- Oh gotcha! No, it was your ex-fiancee!

- Which one?
- Pauline

Pauline? Pauline Harris? No,
no, no you must have been mistaken.

She got married to that Bobby Finch
didn't she and went to live abroad.

Yeah? Well who's that
sitting over there then?

Hm. Where?

Cor, it is her Trigger. It is her.

It's at moments like this
when I wish I carried

an emergency capsule of
Brut around with me!

Leave it out will you Del, you don't wanna
get yourself involved with her again.

- Remember what happened last time?
- Yeah, yeah. Did she ask about me?

Yeah, she seemed very
concerned to know how much you was earning.

- How the hell do you do that?
- What?

I said she seemed very
concerned to know how much you was earning.

Yeah well she probably is concerned.
You know, perhaps she's worrying about me!

Alright, alright,
I'm not gonna get involved am I?

No, I'm too shrewd for
all that, ain't I? No,

I might just go over
there and say hello.

If that is alright with you two?

You want your brains testing!

Yeah thank you, Joyce. There
did you take one for yourself?

- No.
- Good!

Excuse me. Excuse me, squire.

- Hello Pauline!
- Del...

Oh I can't believe it... It's
so nice to see you again.

Well it's nice to see you.
Pauline, what have

you got over your lips there?
What's all that?

- It's blackcurrant.
- You what?

It's on your lips.

Oh blackcurrant, look - yeah, it's
probably from my blackcurrant and Pernod.

Sorry. Oh thanks. Ta. Here
let me, er, let me wipe that off yer -

I haven't seen you for 12 years or more,
I want to know all that's been happening!

Nothing you know, nothing really!
I heard you got

married to that Bobby Finch...
where's he now?

- He's down the Blackshaw Road.
- Oh yeah what in those council flats?

No in a cemetery. You mean you
didn't know?

No! No, no, I'm terribly sorry,
I am sorry, I didn't realise.

You see the last I heard was that, you
know, that you went to live abroad,

so naturally I thought that you and Bobby,
like, had emigrated.

No, after Bobby died I
went to San Francisco - it

suited me being away from
familiar surroundings.

I got a job as an air hostess, it's a
good salary, uniform, free travel!

Yeah of course! That's in your blood innit
eh? 'Cos your mum was a bus conductress.

- You never married yourself, Del?
- No, no, no, I never fancied myself.

No, no, no, you know what I
mean, I mean what I mean is you know,

I never - never met a girl that I cared
all that much about really you know.

Well, I mean, you know, well,
there was one.

- But you don't see her?
- Oh yeah. Well I'm looking at her now.

Where's my pork scratchings?

Oh I'm sorry Rodney, I got distracted.
Yeah. This is my brother Rodney.

D'you remember - you remember Rodney.
He used to be a little scruff.

Look at him now, he's a big scruff,
isn't he? You remember Pauline?

Yeah I remember. Pauline Harris
innit?

Yeah, yeah or do you call yourself Mrs.
Finch now?

No. I call myself Mrs. Baker.
I remarried, you see, an American chap.

Oh gotcha, you're a divorcee
are you?

No, a widow!

Blimey, what he kicked
the bucket and all did

he? No, I am sorry, I
didn't mean that, sorry.

What about that - ain't
that a shame, eh, Rodney

you know she's had two
husbands die on her.

Yeah, one more she keeps the
match ball.

- Excuse me a moment.
- Yeah, yeah of course.

I'm just going to powder my
nose.

Yeah, yeah, well hurry back won't you
because, you know I'll be waiting.

Yes of course Pauline,
hurry back Pauline, can I

pull the chain for you Pauline?
You make me sick!

You've been very hostile
towards Pauline ain't you?

Well, can you blame me? I remember how
she treated you when you was engaged.

I may only have been a little nipper
Del, but I remember how she screwed you up.

That was a long time go Rodney, weren't it?
Pauline and me, when engaged, we was mod

the only reason she left we was because
she found a bloke with a faster Vespa.

And that's a fair reason?

Yeah it was in them days.
You've got to understand the times Rodney.

In them days, I mean,
teenage marriages broke

up because the husband
didn't like the Hollies!

But we're older now, you know, more mature,
we've developed sensitivity and emotion.

Oh my God.

Yeah we have - what
would you know about it

anyway, eh? You don't have
romantic feelings you,

you just have animal urges.
Sometimes I think you learnt

the art of seduction by
watching Wildlife on One!

You've got to understand
Rodney that - you know deep

down inside me I'm a very
sensitive person. I am, I am.

What - look at last Christmas and that film
Love Story. Look how upset I got then.

I got upset an' all.

I know, I know, I got
upset because Ali MacGraw

died - you got upset because
Ryan O'Neal didn't.

Well, he's too good-looking
ain't he?

What do you know about it anyway?
What do you

know? I am talking about
men and women I am.

You, you're still knocking
about with Brownies.

No I'm not.

Yes you are, leave it out,
some of your dates arrived by skateboard.

Look Del, all I'm trying to say is don't
get hiked up with that Pauline again.

She'll screw you up, you mark my words.

Look, Rodney, a lot of water
has run under the bridge since

me and Pauline broke up. I
know what it's all about now,

I understand the rules of the game.
I know you're

concerned for me and trying
to give me your advice but...

how can I put it? Shove it Rodney,
shove it.

Del Boy's late ain't he Rodney?

I wouldn't worry about it Grandad.
I'll give him another

15 minutes then start
phoning round the morgues.

What do you mean the morgues?

Well, it's something about
that Pauline that kills

'em off. I think she must
be a carrier or something.

It's bad news him meeting
her again this afternoon.

I remember the last
time she hooked him.

I mean, up till then he was doing alright -
well your mum had died

and your dad had run off and left you
but...

But other than that tickety-
boo?

Right, Del was out
wheeling and dealing and

he was coming along nice.
Then she turned up.

I've never seen anyone change so fast
as Del Boy. He was besotted with her

they was engaged within the week,
broken up within the month.

Little cow was out skylarking
around with other fellas.

Del had more fights that John Wayne.
Well, up 'till then

he was always a strong
believer in God and all that.

I mean he didn't go to church or nothing.

No, didn't carry it to
ridiculous lengths?

No. But he'd always
give the church a good

few quid towards their
fund for a new roof.

He said it was a penance seeing
as how it was him that nicked the old one.

But after that he lost faith.

Act naturally - stare vaguely at
them tellies right and no questions.

God Almighty, what's he done?

Gentlemen, attention gentleman. Gentlemen
and Grandad I have a announcement to make.

Pauline and I are engaged to be married.

Don't all bust a blood vessel
will you, eh?

That's triffic Del. We'll have to put an
announcement in the Exchange and Mart.

That's a lovely idea that,
here go and get some glasses,

go on and get some glasses,
we'll celebrate alright.

Celebrate? You think I'm
gonna celebrate my older

brother getting hiked
up to a gold digger?

Listen, oi, listen motor-mouth!
I know that you don't like Pauline...

Oh does it notice that much?

Yes it does. I know - look
I know you don't like the

idea, right, but it's, you
know - that's what I want!

Right come on, come on, have a drink eh?

Yeah... Yeah I'll get some glasses.

Yeah, get some glasses -
get some glasses, that's

it. Here, Grandad, what do
you think then Grandad?

I'm not saying a word Del Boy!
You want to put yourself in

lumber for the rest of your
life that's entirely up to you.

I'm not saying nothing!

Oi, listen, you haven't heard the best part
yet, listen this is double celebration,

because not only have I
got engaged to Pauline,

but my bride to be has
kindly condescended

to come and live with us!

Well don't say your
congratulations then will yer!

Alright.

Say something Grandad.

There's a film on the other side,
lots of people getting killed in it!

I cleaned that table today!

Good, it won't make my plim-
soles dirty, will it?

What?

Rodney! Well, that was divine my love.
That was

divine. That was well - was
- Pas de Calais

as they say in France. Long time since
we has a steak like that, eh, Rodney?

Hell of a long time Del. Me
and Grandad had corned beef!

Corned beef?

I'm not cooking for
them two as well Derek!

I'll cook for you and
me and you and me only.

I didn't come here to be a skivvy!

No, no, no, I know my love. I know
my petal, you see the thing is

when I gave you the housekeeping
money at the beginning of the week,

I meant for you to get some grub for
them an' all.

I did, I got corned beef!

Ah yeah - well. There
you are see, you like a

little bit of corned
beef don't you Grandad?

What's up with you then, eh?

- It's her innit!
- What?

She hid my teeth!

What - what you hidden his
teeth for then petal?

Look you don't know what it's
like in this place. Well

you and Rodney are out at
the auctions or the market.

But I'm stuck here with him.
He's nibbling all day

long. There'd be nothing
left if I let him carry on!

Don't worry,
he gets his teeth back at meal times.

Yeah, alright, well you - you
know best, eh petal.

Why don't you and Grandad go out Rodney?
I wouldn't mind being alone for once!

- D'you want to be left alone?
- Of course.

- Right, I'll go with 'em, come on Grandad.
- I mean alone with you.

Oh, I see.

Well we never have any time
for ourselves in this place.

No time to yourselves! You
spend most of your lives in

that bedroom! Giant pandas
mate quicker than you two!

Please. That's enough!

Ever since I moved in here
all we ever seem to do of an

evening is sitting here watching
them rotten televisions.

And that's another thing, why does he
have to watch two televisions?

'Cos the other one's being
mended!

You mean he normally watches
three?

- Yeah!
- He's going senile.

Well wouldn't he be happier
with company of his own age?

You're not bringing your
Granny round here to live with us are you?

- I was thinking of a home.
- He's already got a home!

I know a very nice place down near Thames
Ditton. Bobby Finch's Grandad died there.

I can't put him in a home
Pauline, he's family!

- But I'll be your family soon!
- Well you go to a home then...

I don't want to go into a home
Rodney, I might catch something!

Don't you worry Grandad, we're
staying put.

Well, the only alternative is
for us to buy a house of our own!

What, me buy a house? No, no, couldn't do
that. Couldn't do that. Don't you see that

as soon as I put my
signature on a document the

authorities are gonna
know that I'm alive.

They'll be round here after their pound
of flesh quicker than the Mafia!

But you can do what my other husbands did,
put the house in my name.

Well nobody's going to think
it strange me buying a house,

not with all the money I
got on the life insurance.

Have you got your life insured Del?

No. I've never thought about
dying before!

Well, we'll have to sort that
out - a wife needs protection.

Specially with your luck
Pauline!

- I fancy an early night Del.
- Oh no, what, again?

- Come on.
- Yes alright my love, my petal...

Listen you two - hey!

You ready Grandad?

Yeah - I just wanna see what
happens first!

Eh? Now don't start making excuses! We
both agreed we're not wanted here no more,

so let's get out before Del wakes up.

We can't go without saying
goodbye to him!

No, alright we'll say goodbye
then we'll get on our way.

Is Del up yet?

No he's still in bed. He needs
his sleep, he had a bad night.

Yeah, didn't sound too bad from where
I was... I'll go and wake him up.

I'll wake him Rodney! I don't
want you going in that room.

That's my Mum's room!

It used to be your Mum's room
Rodney but it's mine now and

I don't want to see you in there.
Is that understood?

Jawohl mein Oppengruppenfuhrer!

Act your age Rodney...

Why don't you bike it you old bag! You know
why she don't want us in there don't you?

Probably filled up with sexual
torture devices. I bet poor

Del's in there now, bound and
gagged, wearing a rubber mask,

a loincloth and being
threatened with French lessons.

Maybe that's why he's been
looking a bit seedy lately!

Yeah and it's hardly through
lack of food is it.

I mean, look, there are
Third World nations

who'd give up their mineral
rights for what's on that

plate. I wonder what
happened to his fried slice.

Perhaps he didn't want it. His
stomach's been a bit dicky hasn't it.

That's true...

Hello Trigger... Yeah,
hang on I'll get him,

Pauline, untie Del
will you he's wanted!

I'm up, I'm up... What do you
mean untie Del anyway?

- Nothing.
- Who is it?

It's Trigger.

Trigger? Oh, hello Trigger, what do you
want? No, no, no, you didn't disturb me,

I had to get up anyway, I was
wanted on the phone!

Hang on a minute will you Trigger?
Cut it out

I'm just popping down to the jewelers
to put a deposit on that ring I saw.

Another one? You've been
engaged five times, married

twice, you must have more
rings than Bravingtons.

Just shut it Rodney!

I mean what is it with you, eh? Are you
trying to corner the world's gold market

or have you just got a
thing about wedding cakes?

I'll bang you one in a minute,
leave her alone will you!

Don't forget you've got to
arrange a medical for your

life insurance. I'll see you
down the estate agents.

We can go on to the bank from there.

- Alright darling, yeah.
- Sieg Heil!

Cut it out, what have
you been doing sniffing

that glue again have you?
Cor dear -

Hello, sorry about that Trigger, yeah,
no just Rodney having one of his fits...

Anyway what d'you want to phone me about?
What do you

mean it's a delicate matter?
No, I know you're a mate!

No, I won't say that you're interfering!
I promise

I won't tell you to
mind your own business.

Just say hat you want to say will you...
Yeah... Oh did I? Did you? Did he?

Well listen Trig, why don't
you mind your own bloody

business, eh? Who do you
think you are interfering?

Look, you just keep your nose out of it,
alright pal?

How's Trigger keeping?

D'you know what he had
the audacity to say,

he phoned me up to say
he heard last night

that the police had
investigated Bobby Finch's

death. Apparently he died
of ...food poisoning!

Food poisoning! Oh...

Your breakfast's getting cold
Del Boy!

Yeah, yeah, thanks Grandad. Do
you know I think I'm putting

on a bit of weight. I think I'll
- I think I'll go on a diet.

Get off, there's no calories
in weed-killer!

You make me die you do! I
suppose you think that

Pauline's gone - gone window
shopping at Rentokill.

Well I'm going down to make arrangements
for my medical, I'll see you two later.

No you won't Del. Because me and Grandad
have had it up to here. We're getting out!

Eh? What d'you mean you're leaving? No -
leave it out Rodney, what you do for money?

We'll get by. We're thinking
about forming a partnership!

A partnership! A partnership, you and
Grandad? Gawd leave it out Rodney,

What have you been doing,
sitting on your brains

again? You must have noticed
at one time or another

that he doesn't move. You know - he
made the front page of the Lancet...

...don't you as being
the only living man in

history to be treated
for rigor mortis...

Where you going to go anyway?

- Auntie Rose's in Clacton.
- Auntie Rose's in Clacton?

Yeah. Grandad says we can go
there anytime.

Oh did he! Oh did he. Well
you'd better go there now then

hadn't you, eh? Go on. The
pair of you, get on your bike.

Go on before Pauline comes back with -
with me Deadly Nightshade.

Rodney - no - come on you don't believe all
that rubbish about food poisoning do you?

Of course not, eat your mushrooms Del.

We're not coming back Del.

No, hang about, I'm coming with you.

Come on Rodney, you bring them suitcases.
Grandpa, you carry the light stuff. Okay!

Surprise, surprise, hello Auntie,
I bet you're surprised to

see us, eh love? Come on, come on.
Bring that in you two.

Oh yes, very nice. Here we are.
Here, Grandad, change the

channels over will you, there's
racing on half past two.

So what d'you put in the note
to Pauline then?

I just put 'My dearest darling Pauline.
The engagement's off,

the wedding's off and, as you
can gather from this letter,

I'm off! I'll give you five days
to clear out of the flat and

do not ever come back... you
money-grabbing old murderess.

All my love Del Boy!' And
then lots of kisses. I

didn't - I didn't put it
quite as nicely as that

but that was the gist
of the idea, yeah.

God knows what we'll go back to! She'll
most probably smash that flat to pieces!

Have you had enough?

That was handsome - handsome well it was,
Champs Elysees as the French say.

Now listen Auntie, we're
going to be here for

about five days so what
I want you to do is,

I want you to take this money here
like that, put that in yer pinny,

because I don't want you spending your own
money on us. Alright?

Well that's very nice of you!
Do you mind if I ask you something?

Well of course not, maniere
d' etre. Fire away.

Who are you?

Who - who are we?

You mean we've been in
your house for five hours,

had all your shepherd's
pie and had a bath each

and you don't know who we are?

Well I didn't like to ask you
because you seemed to know me!

We're Joannie's boys aren't we.
Well, I mean, he isn't no - no.

You remember Joannie, my mum, married
Reg Trotter! You were at the wedding!

I don't remember you!

No, no, no, of course you
wouldn't remember me, not

at me mum's wedding. I
was only a babe in arms.

- You said come down anytime!
- When was this then?

- 1947!
- So here we are!

You must - you must remember the wedding!
It was at that big

church - you know Our Lady
the Divine Rosemary, Peckham

Peckham... I've never been
to Peckham in my life!

Funny you should mention
it though because

the lady that owned this cottage before me,
she came from Peckham.

Auntie Rose has moved!

- Well who's this then?
- Gawd knows!

Joannie! Joannie Hollins?
Married a Jamaican fella?

- Yeah.
- Yeah but you don't look very...

- We're adopted!
- Oh, would you like some apple pie?

That would be smashing Auntie, thank you.

Sssh, come in. Come on, come in here.
Listen, be alert!

Pauline could come rushing
out of any of these rooms

in there brandishing her
mother-of-pearl hankies

flick knives! It'll be like
Psycho in a tower block.

Sssh, listen, I'll take the
living room, Rodney you

take the bedroom, Grandad
you take the kitchen...

Right and good luck!

- Go on my son, go on, go on.

- She's not in the bedrooms!

She done any damage?

No, all the beds are neatly made,
she's even been round with the hoover!

She's not in the kitchen! It
ain't 'arf clean and tidy out there!

What's her game then, eh?
What is her game?

There's no-way that Pauline
would leave this flat

without doing something really nasty to me!

No, no, don't be daft.
Where would she get a bomb from, eh?

Eh there's a letter here! It's addressed
to 'That no-good lying two-faced creepo'.

Oh, that'll be for me Rodney!

Let's have a look, see
what she's got to say

for herself then, eh?
Right, here we are.

Oh well now that's more
like the Pauline that I

know and loved! Oh dear
look at the language here.

You'd think an ex-air
hostess would know how

to spell better than
that look at that, eh?

- Is that true?
- No, get off!

Del - did Pauline really mean
that much to you?

No, no, not really. No, somehow it
wasn't quite the same. Sometimes

I think I'm not really cut out
for this falling in love lark.

I've got a confession to make Del.
You know that phone

call from Trigger, the one about
the police investigations

into food poisoning, well
it was a wind-up! Me and

Grandad put him up to it...
We did it for you Del.

You put him up to it?

It was nothing to do with me
Del, I only suggested it.

Yeah, he only suggested it! We
was only thinking of you Del.

You was only thinking of me!
You couple of... rascals

What am I going to do with you
two, eh? What am I going to do with you?

Got you out of schtuk didn't it!

Yeah, we're alright on our own
- we don't need no birds.

No, no, not if you say so Grandad... Here
- go on - go on, put the kettle on, eh?

Look at the girl the way she spells.

That's, that's PTO 'please turn over'.

I know that, I know that
please turn over means,

don't I, PTO, I'm not
illiterate an' all that.

Here, there's someone on the
phone, it's Tim!

- Tim who?
- Tim, the talking clock.

Here. Oh the cow! She only phoned
the talking clock before she left!

And this is - Gordon Bennett this is dated
four days ago!

I don't want to worry you Del but this
Tim's got a funny accent!

She only phoned the talking
clock in America that's all.

You mean we're connected to
America? It's amazing innit! Hallo.

Hang it up!