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Attention, squad.
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Put your hands together
3
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for the long-anticipated reunion of…
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The DDC!
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DD… C!
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-♪ Put a J with a G… ♪
-♪ You get DD… ♪
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C! C!
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The gas face.
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What the hell is the DDC?
10
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I don't know, but I love it!
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The DDC is the Dope… Denim… Crew.
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Our 20-year high
school reunion is tonight,
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and the party is '90s-themed.
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So, we're dressing the
way we did back then,
15
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aka hella fresh.
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Can't wait to see
everyone we graduated with
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and lie to them about
what I've been up to
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for my own amusement.
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It's gonna be Fib City,
population, Gina Clooney.
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00:00:42,275 --> 00:00:43,734
BOYLE: But, Jake, how can you be excited
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to return to your high school,
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the scene of Tattlegate?
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SANTIAGO: What's Tattlegate?
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Why haven't I heard anything about it?
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It was junior year and
Jake was riding high…
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Charles, no one wants to hear this story.
27
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From you.
28
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It was junior year, and
Jake was riding high.
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Sophomore year was rough,
30
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but now I was back with a hot new look,
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an earring and long hair.
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Which was my look and he just copied it.
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And it worked!
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I was finally cool,
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and becoming friends with
the most popular kid in school,
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Brandon Bliss.
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Dope name, sounds hot.
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He was hot, Rosa.
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For the record, he could barely read.
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He didn't have to read, Gina.
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He lost his virginity
when he was 12 years old.
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Which is horrifying.
43
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But it wasn't back then!
Back then, it was
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everything.
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He asked me to ditch class one day
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with him and his buddies,
steal a school van,
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and go get drunk at his parents' cabin,
48
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but the day before we
were supposed to go,
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someone ratted Brandon
out, and he got suspended.
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He thought I was the one who told,
51
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and from that day forward,
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everyone called me "The Tattler."
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Tattler. It's a sexy nickname.
54
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It was not a sexy nickname!
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It was a scarlet letter and
it ruined my senior year.
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But luckily, I'm over all that now.
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Not me.
I'm gonna go to this reunion tonight
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and kick Brandon Bliss in the butthole.
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Horrifying, but that won't
be necessary, Charles,
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for my awesome life will do
the butthole-kicking this eve.
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I've got a sweet job and a
super-smart, incredible wife.
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Tonight's gonna be awesome.
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Right, Gina? Damn straight.
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DD… C!
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[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
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PERALTA: Wow.
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This place hasn't
changed one bit in 20 years.
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It's a real indictment of
the public school system.
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Jake! Gina!
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No way, Mikey J!
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Amy, this is Mike Joseph,
aka the lead funk bassist
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from my legendary ska
band, Skalvester Skallone.
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We had one song. Oh…
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ALL: ♪ Stop or my mom will ska ♪
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PERALTA: Whoa. Hey, man.
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We were so bad.
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I can't believe we thought
we were gonna make it.
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00:02:52,038 --> 00:02:53,163
So, what have you been up to, man?
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Well, I'm still trying to
get the music thing started.
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Oh. Cool, cool, cool. Never give up.
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Anyway, how are you, Gina?
What have you been up to?
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Nothing crazy.
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00:03:00,839 --> 00:03:02,715
Yeah, just writing those Thor movies.
84
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Seriously? Oh, my God.
Tell me everything.
85
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Legally, I can't get into it too much,
86
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but just know that the next one will have
87
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a lot more full-frontal.
88
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Well, if you need some
ska for your soundtrack…
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Whoa. This is them. This is Marvel.
90
00:03:15,521 --> 00:03:18,858
They probably want to talk
about Thor 4: More Thor.
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00:03:18,942 --> 00:03:20,693
I gotta take this. Okay, All right.
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MIKEY: So, how you doing, Jake?
93
00:03:22,737 --> 00:03:25,157
I know the end of high
school was a little rough.
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00:03:25,324 --> 00:03:27,033
Oh. Uh…
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Jake's killing it now. He's a detective.
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Irie, mon! Irie, irie!
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Very nice.
98
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God, you must have some crazy stories.
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PERALTA: Oh, I don't know.
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I mean, is successfully negotiating
101
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a high-tension hostage
situation in a bank crazy?
102
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Yes!
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Oh, well, then, I guess I do
have some crazy stories, man!
104
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Gosh, it's so cool how
we all still dress the same.
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RADIO HOST: is it so much to ask?
You know what I'm saying?
106
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Why is everyone
gathered around the radio?
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Oh, are they testing
108
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the emergency broadcasting system?
109
00:03:56,816 --> 00:03:59,693
What? No. We're listening to a contest.
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This is 93.7, The Jamhouse, with…
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00:04:03,072 --> 00:04:05,490
JC and the Horndog! JC and the Horndog!
112
00:04:05,574 --> 00:04:07,117
FM radio…
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Yeah, the hosts are beyond disgusting,
114
00:04:09,663 --> 00:04:12,123
but they do a fun game where
they play a mystery sound
115
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and callers guess what
it is for a cash prize.
116
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Shh, they're about to play the new sound!
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[RUSTLING]
118
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It's a crinkle. I solved it.
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Yes, but you have to know
what object is making the crinkle.
120
00:04:22,134 --> 00:04:23,843
But that's impossible.
It could be anything.
121
00:04:23,927 --> 00:04:25,220
Yes, sir. That's the game.
122
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It's a bag of potato chips.
Don't be an idiot!
123
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It's a bag of corn chips.
124
00:04:28,349 --> 00:04:30,100
Well, this is a total waste of time.
125
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Sure, but you can still have fun,
126
00:04:31,978 --> 00:04:33,062
even if you're wasting time.
127
00:04:33,146 --> 00:04:35,439
That's absurd.
Productivity is what makes things fun.
128
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That's why humans go to work.
129
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It is?
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Hey.
So, you know how Alicia and I broke up
131
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because she moved to London,
132
00:04:42,448 --> 00:04:44,115
then we tried to make it work,
but the distance was too much
133
00:04:44,199 --> 00:04:45,450
and we broke up again? No.
134
00:04:45,534 --> 00:04:46,534
The last thing you told me about yourself
135
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was that you were bi.
136
00:04:47,703 --> 00:04:48,703
A lot has happened since then.
137
00:04:48,787 --> 00:04:50,080
Anyway, I'm dating two other people.
138
00:04:50,164 --> 00:04:52,832
So much juice at one time. I'm drowning.
139
00:04:52,916 --> 00:04:54,669
Gross. Charles, this is
why I don't tell you anything.
140
00:04:54,753 --> 00:04:55,920
I take it back. Okay.
141
00:04:56,004 --> 00:04:57,755
Well, it's early stages,
but they both tagged me
142
00:04:57,839 --> 00:04:58,839
in a bunch of photos online
143
00:04:58,923 --> 00:05:00,007
and they found out about each other.
144
00:05:00,091 --> 00:05:01,467
Yikes. Yeah, I know.
145
00:05:01,551 --> 00:05:03,094
I shouldn't 'gram so much,
but my brunch friends say
146
00:05:03,178 --> 00:05:04,762
it's the only way to promote
my handmade jewelry line.
147
00:05:04,846 --> 00:05:07,264
Brunch? What? Homemade… Who…
148
00:05:07,348 --> 00:05:09,141
Charles, focus.
Anyway, they're both annoyed,
149
00:05:09,225 --> 00:05:10,394
and now I have to choose one of them,
150
00:05:10,478 --> 00:05:11,895
and I cannot make up my mind.
151
00:05:11,979 --> 00:05:14,479
It's insane.
I never have trouble making decisions.
152
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Choose the daughter.
153
00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:18,402
I always know exactly what to do,
154
00:05:18,486 --> 00:05:20,362
but for the first time in
my life, I am stumped.
155
00:05:20,446 --> 00:05:22,364
Rosa, you've come to the right man.
156
00:05:22,448 --> 00:05:24,199
Boyles are genetically indecisive beings.
157
00:05:24,283 --> 00:05:26,411
So, I chose the worst
possible person to help me?
158
00:05:26,495 --> 00:05:27,870
No. We've developed a foolproof system
159
00:05:27,954 --> 00:05:29,038
to help us make choices.
160
00:05:29,122 --> 00:05:31,082
It used to take me so
long to decide what to wear
161
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that I'd never change my clothes.
162
00:05:32,542 --> 00:05:33,742
Now look what I have on.
163
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Is this different than what
you were wearing yesterday?
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Barely.
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MIKEY: Wow, your life sounds amazing.
166
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I'm really happy it worked out for you,
167
00:05:41,385 --> 00:05:43,679
you know, especially
with the whole Tattler thing.
168
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[LAUGHING ABRUPTLY] What?
The Tattler? Wow.
169
00:05:46,432 --> 00:05:47,683
I haven't heard that in a long time.
170
00:05:47,767 --> 00:05:48,767
Who even was the Tattler?
171
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You. That's why I'm bringing it up.
172
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Oh, right, I remember now
173
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that I was misidentified as the Tattler.
174
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That's so funny.
But I wasn't the Tattler,
175
00:05:54,649 --> 00:05:55,734
so I'm pretty sure you got this wrong.
176
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No, no, I think I got… Hey, Eric.
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00:05:57,820 --> 00:05:59,904
Didn't people call Jake the Tattler?
178
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Oh, yeah!
179
00:06:01,073 --> 00:06:02,699
[LAUGHING ABRUPTLY]
180
00:06:02,783 --> 00:06:04,534
Good, more people are getting involved.
181
00:06:04,618 --> 00:06:06,953
After my initial design,
they said it couldn't be done.
182
00:06:07,037 --> 00:06:08,788
They said it was too tall, too flashy…
183
00:06:08,872 --> 00:06:10,541
Building codes, bureaucracy.
184
00:06:10,625 --> 00:06:13,502
Cut to the Freedom
Tower as you see it today.
185
00:06:13,586 --> 00:06:14,712
Wow.
186
00:06:14,796 --> 00:06:16,797
Thank you. Yeah, I agree.
187
00:06:16,881 --> 00:06:19,341
Look, nobody cares about that stuff.
We're all adults now.
188
00:06:19,425 --> 00:06:21,635
You're a cop, I work at a coffin factory,
189
00:06:21,719 --> 00:06:22,803
I'm not sitting around
190
00:06:22,887 --> 00:06:23,971
thinking about how you tattled.
191
00:06:24,055 --> 00:06:25,515
Yes, we all have jobs
and work on coffins.
192
00:06:25,599 --> 00:06:26,600
I didn't tattle, but whatevs,
193
00:06:26,684 --> 00:06:27,684
we don't have to keep talking about it.
194
00:06:27,768 --> 00:06:30,104
Great. Great.
195
00:06:30,312 --> 00:06:31,938
But you were the Tattler, right?
196
00:06:32,022 --> 00:06:33,273
Brandon Bliss was my friend!
197
00:06:33,357 --> 00:06:34,524
Why would I tattle on my friend?
198
00:06:34,608 --> 00:06:36,818
The nickname was
inaccurate is all I'm saying.
199
00:06:36,902 --> 00:06:39,654
Anyways, as you can
tell, I am totally over it.
200
00:06:39,738 --> 00:06:41,491
Oh, man, it's the Tattler.
201
00:06:41,575 --> 00:06:43,701
-[YELLING] I didn't tattle!
-[CHATTER STOPS]
202
00:06:43,785 --> 00:06:46,329
[QUIETLY] So, I think
I might not be over it.
203
00:06:48,915 --> 00:06:50,291
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
204
00:06:50,375 --> 00:06:53,169
This is so unfair.
Everyone remembers me as the Tattler,
205
00:06:53,253 --> 00:06:54,504
but somehow, no one remembers
206
00:06:54,588 --> 00:06:56,173
that Darren "Doo Doo" Donaldson
207
00:06:56,257 --> 00:06:58,675
crapped himself during PE.
Look at him out there,
208
00:06:58,759 --> 00:06:59,968
dancing on the dance floor
209
00:07:00,052 --> 00:07:01,804
like he's lived a doo doo-free life.
210
00:07:01,888 --> 00:07:03,430
Jake, this isn't so bad.
211
00:07:03,514 --> 00:07:05,557
History is full of great tattlers.
212
00:07:05,641 --> 00:07:07,601
Martin Luther King tattled on racists.
213
00:07:07,685 --> 00:07:08,727
That's a pretty undercutty way
214
00:07:08,811 --> 00:07:09,937
of describing his accomplishments.
215
00:07:10,021 --> 00:07:11,856
I was trying to help. It felt bad.
216
00:07:11,940 --> 00:07:13,274
It's not the nickname that bothers me.
217
00:07:13,358 --> 00:07:14,651
It's that I'm being wrongfully accused.
218
00:07:14,735 --> 00:07:16,444
I didn't tattle.
I mean, if it was the truth,
219
00:07:16,528 --> 00:07:18,279
go ahead and call me
the Tattler all day long.
220
00:07:18,363 --> 00:07:20,365
Hey, Tattler. Not cool, Jason!
221
00:07:21,533 --> 00:07:23,076
Let's just go home. No!
222
00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:25,371
We're not going anywhere,
you were wrongfully accused.
223
00:07:25,455 --> 00:07:27,873
We're cops.
Let's just find the real Tattler
224
00:07:27,957 --> 00:07:30,126
and prove your innocence. Yes! I love it!
225
00:07:30,210 --> 00:07:32,837
Why learn to grow when
you can fix the past?
226
00:07:32,921 --> 00:07:34,880
This is exactly why I don't need therapy.
227
00:07:34,964 --> 00:07:35,965
Not sure that's the lesson I want you
228
00:07:36,049 --> 00:07:37,049
to take away from this.
229
00:07:37,133 --> 00:07:38,259
Too late!
We're gonna prove I wasn't the Tattler,
230
00:07:38,343 --> 00:07:40,303
therapy is a scam, let's do this.
231
00:07:41,430 --> 00:07:44,307
No. The sound was more of a…
[IMITATES CRINKLING]
232
00:07:44,391 --> 00:07:45,851
How goes the crinkle hunt?
233
00:07:45,935 --> 00:07:49,688
I see you're not just wasting
time, you're also wasting tin.
234
00:07:49,772 --> 00:07:51,190
It was only one piece.
235
00:07:52,983 --> 00:07:54,860
Okay, it was a ton of tin.
236
00:07:54,944 --> 00:07:56,112
Pretty sure it's a guy eating a sandwich.
237
00:07:56,196 --> 00:07:57,280
I'll prove it to you.
238
00:07:57,364 --> 00:07:59,240
I'm not buying you any
more sandwiches, Scully.
239
00:07:59,324 --> 00:08:01,826
I'm doing this for us!
Guys, we can't fight.
240
00:08:01,910 --> 00:08:03,578
That's what the Horndog wants.
241
00:08:03,662 --> 00:08:05,121
We're getting close.
242
00:08:05,205 --> 00:08:06,664
We just need to keep testing more things.
243
00:08:06,748 --> 00:08:08,082
Oh, that's a good idea.
244
00:08:08,166 --> 00:08:09,834
Have you tried a piece of paper?
245
00:08:11,379 --> 00:08:13,381
Is that your crinkle? Oh, maybe…
246
00:08:14,548 --> 00:08:17,009
Maybe it's these bags of coffee beans.
247
00:08:17,093 --> 00:08:18,969
All right, sir, I think
you've made your point.
248
00:08:19,053 --> 00:08:21,680
My point? I'm just trying
to have fun by wasting time.
249
00:08:21,764 --> 00:08:24,934
Oh, maybe it's this
crinkly-crunkly yogurt.
250
00:08:27,688 --> 00:08:30,607
Terry heard a crinkle.
Holt heard a crinkle, too.
251
00:08:30,691 --> 00:08:34,091
So, suddenly it's not a waste of time?
Not a waste of time if we win!
252
00:08:34,861 --> 00:08:38,281
What are you waiting for, Jeffords?
Call the Horndog!
253
00:08:38,365 --> 00:08:39,782
GINA: So, then I said to Steve,
254
00:08:39,866 --> 00:08:41,577
"What if we drop the '-lications,'
255
00:08:41,661 --> 00:08:43,370
"just call them 'apps'?"
256
00:08:43,454 --> 00:08:44,664
That's incredible.
257
00:08:45,498 --> 00:08:47,416
Do you miss him? Oh, every day, Laura.
258
00:08:47,500 --> 00:08:49,460
Every day.
You should talk to Quentin Chase.
259
00:08:49,544 --> 00:08:51,462
He's a big-time Silicon
Valley investor now,
260
00:08:51,546 --> 00:08:52,755
and he was just telling me all about it.
261
00:08:52,839 --> 00:08:53,923
Quentin, come here.
262
00:08:54,007 --> 00:08:57,177
You have got to talk to Gina.
She basically invented apps.
263
00:08:57,261 --> 00:09:00,138
They were going to be called "lications."
You really bungled that.
264
00:09:00,222 --> 00:09:03,016
What you been working on?
Currently, I have been working
265
00:09:03,100 --> 00:09:05,518
on an app called Toddler.
266
00:09:05,602 --> 00:09:09,105
It's like Tinder, but for toddlers.
Tinder for toddlers.
267
00:09:09,189 --> 00:09:11,567
I like it. How are you gonna spell that?
How many D's?
268
00:09:11,651 --> 00:09:12,652
Five.
269
00:09:12,736 --> 00:09:14,278
[EXHALES HEAVILY]
270
00:09:14,362 --> 00:09:16,405
All right, we should start
by talking to Brandon Bliss
271
00:09:16,489 --> 00:09:18,199
and find out who told
him you were the Tattler.
272
00:09:18,283 --> 00:09:19,909
Unfortunately, Bliss is not here.
273
00:09:19,993 --> 00:09:22,411
Probably in the VIP section
at a Fatboy Slim concert.
274
00:09:22,495 --> 00:09:24,372
Would that be cool for a 37-year-old?
275
00:09:24,456 --> 00:09:25,915
The funk soul brother is timeless, Ames.
276
00:09:25,999 --> 00:09:28,001
All right, I don't know who told Brandon,
277
00:09:28,085 --> 00:09:29,711
but I heard it was someone
on the football team.
278
00:09:29,795 --> 00:09:31,505
Okay, well, we need
more information than that,
279
00:09:31,589 --> 00:09:33,674
so take me back to the day.
Spare no details.
280
00:09:33,758 --> 00:09:35,133
Okay. I saw Brandon after second period
281
00:09:35,217 --> 00:09:36,617
and everything seemed tight.
282
00:09:36,761 --> 00:09:38,345
Hey now, you're an all-star
283
00:09:38,429 --> 00:09:40,305
Get your game on, go play…
284
00:09:40,389 --> 00:09:42,350
But then, when I saw
him after third period,
285
00:09:42,434 --> 00:09:44,269
something had clearly changed.
286
00:09:44,353 --> 00:09:47,730
Get paid All that glitters…
287
00:09:47,814 --> 00:09:49,399
PERALTA: After that, there
was little color left in the world
288
00:09:49,483 --> 00:09:51,067
for young Jake.
289
00:09:51,151 --> 00:09:54,904
My earring, less gold, my
JNCO jeans, less purple.
290
00:09:54,988 --> 00:09:56,490
Are you sure you were becoming cool?
291
00:09:56,574 --> 00:09:58,367
Yeah. Why? I know how to solve this.
292
00:09:58,451 --> 00:10:00,244
We just have to find
out which football player
293
00:10:00,328 --> 00:10:01,787
had third period with Brandon Bliss.
294
00:10:01,871 --> 00:10:03,080
We need his class schedule.
295
00:10:03,164 --> 00:10:06,333
But where would we find that?
In the coolest room in the school.
296
00:10:06,417 --> 00:10:07,877
[SIGHS]
297
00:10:09,337 --> 00:10:10,337
Good lord!
298
00:10:10,421 --> 00:10:12,882
You coulda just picked the lock.
I know. I'm sorry.
299
00:10:12,966 --> 00:10:15,052
I'm just so amped up about Admin.
300
00:10:15,636 --> 00:10:17,929
Okay, this is the Boyle
decision-making manual.
301
00:10:18,013 --> 00:10:19,264
One of these sections will help you
302
00:10:19,348 --> 00:10:20,598
with choosing your partner.
303
00:10:20,682 --> 00:10:22,142
Here we go. What do you prefer,
304
00:10:22,226 --> 00:10:23,685
eyes or butt, brains or body?
305
00:10:23,769 --> 00:10:26,271
Brains. Uh, sorry, nope,
that's for deciding lunch.
306
00:10:26,355 --> 00:10:28,733
Horrifying. I found the romance section.
307
00:10:28,817 --> 00:10:30,526
Now, first, I will need the names
308
00:10:30,610 --> 00:10:32,320
of the two people
you're choosing between.
309
00:10:32,404 --> 00:10:34,155
I will not be telling you
any information about them.
310
00:10:34,239 --> 00:10:35,823
No problem. We can work with that.
311
00:10:35,907 --> 00:10:38,075
I will just call them by their initials?
No.
312
00:10:38,159 --> 00:10:39,327
I will call them "Couscous" and "Quinoa."
Whatever.
313
00:10:39,411 --> 00:10:41,078
Okay. Now, for this to work right,
314
00:10:41,162 --> 00:10:42,998
you need to answer these
questions without thinking.
315
00:10:43,082 --> 00:10:44,166
Who makes you laugh more? Quinoa.
316
00:10:44,250 --> 00:10:45,334
Who has softer lips? Couscous.
317
00:10:45,418 --> 00:10:46,543
A new Cirque du Soleil's in town,
318
00:10:46,627 --> 00:10:47,711
you have the two best seats in the house.
319
00:10:47,795 --> 00:10:49,588
Who are you bringing?
Is this a reward or a punishment?
320
00:10:49,672 --> 00:10:50,714
You decide. Quinoa.
321
00:10:50,798 --> 00:10:52,382
Great.
Next question, you die and become a ghost.
322
00:10:52,466 --> 00:10:54,634
The rules of the afterlife
are that of the movie Casper.
323
00:10:54,718 --> 00:10:55,719
Whose house would you rather haunt?
324
00:10:55,803 --> 00:10:57,263
How many more of
these questions are there?
325
00:10:57,347 --> 00:10:58,848
Three hundred and nine. [SIGHS]
326
00:10:58,932 --> 00:11:01,059
Okay, I've got something. Oh.
327
00:11:01,143 --> 00:11:02,477
That's not Brandon's profile. It's mine.
328
00:11:02,561 --> 00:11:04,854
I just want a quick peek
at your attendance record.
329
00:11:04,938 --> 00:11:05,939
Zero absences.
330
00:11:06,773 --> 00:11:09,317
Oh, mama… Printing this for later.
331
00:11:09,401 --> 00:11:10,943
Keep it in your pants, Santiago.
332
00:11:11,027 --> 00:11:12,827
Oh, that's exactly where it's going.
333
00:11:14,490 --> 00:11:16,408
Okay, here's Brandon's info.
334
00:11:16,492 --> 00:11:18,077
Third period, first semester…
335
00:11:18,161 --> 00:11:19,536
Are any of these people
on the football team?
336
00:11:19,620 --> 00:11:22,122
Scott Alford, Taylor Black…
Wow, Tom Brady?
337
00:11:22,206 --> 00:11:23,832
Different Tom Brady. He was in theater.
338
00:11:23,916 --> 00:11:25,167
Although he was the MVP
339
00:11:25,251 --> 00:11:26,460
of that year's production of Fiddler.
340
00:11:26,544 --> 00:11:28,004
Hmm. Wait a minute. "Danny Matthews."
341
00:11:28,088 --> 00:11:29,089
That's the guy.
342
00:11:29,173 --> 00:11:30,298
He was on the football team.
343
00:11:30,382 --> 00:11:33,182
That's the bastard who set me up.
Yeah, and look at this.
344
00:11:33,844 --> 00:11:36,221
You did so much community service.
345
00:11:36,305 --> 00:11:37,764
Me likey.
346
00:11:40,976 --> 00:11:42,311
Guys, you know how I thought
347
00:11:42,395 --> 00:11:43,729
it would be so much fun
to lie to everyone tonight?
348
00:11:43,813 --> 00:11:45,856
Yeah. Did it finally catch up with you?
No, the opposite.
349
00:11:45,940 --> 00:11:47,900
Someone wants to buy a
company I made up on the spot.
350
00:11:47,984 --> 00:11:49,986
The elevator pitch had him drooling.
351
00:11:50,111 --> 00:11:51,487
As a mother, I'm always struggling
352
00:11:51,571 --> 00:11:52,988
to find quality playdates.
353
00:11:53,072 --> 00:11:56,158
Most 2-year-olds are boring, lame duds.
354
00:11:56,242 --> 00:11:58,161
All of my daughter's friends suck.
355
00:11:58,245 --> 00:12:00,622
Well, with Todddddler's
proprietary algorithm,
356
00:12:00,706 --> 00:12:04,543
you will be matched with top
tots, and those boring duds,
357
00:12:04,627 --> 00:12:06,128
they'll stay where they belong.
358
00:12:06,212 --> 00:12:08,214
The hell away from you and your family.
359
00:12:09,798 --> 00:12:11,842
I'm not really sure how to close this.
360
00:12:11,926 --> 00:12:13,845
Maybe you guys could pretend to be heirs
361
00:12:13,929 --> 00:12:17,306
to a canned-goods fortune
who want to buy my company!
362
00:12:17,390 --> 00:12:18,891
Gina, we don't have time
for your thing right now.
363
00:12:18,975 --> 00:12:22,145
Smart. Big-time him.
That's the perfect idea.
364
00:12:22,229 --> 00:12:23,521
I won't forget you when I'm rich.
365
00:12:23,605 --> 00:12:24,856
Thanks so much, Jake and Jake's wife.
366
00:12:24,940 --> 00:12:27,609
She knows your name.
Look! It's Danny Matthews!
367
00:12:27,693 --> 00:12:29,236
But he'll never talk with
all these people around.
368
00:12:29,320 --> 00:12:30,320
Not a problem.
369
00:12:30,404 --> 00:12:31,572
Just be in the science
lab in ten minutes.
370
00:12:31,656 --> 00:12:32,656
I'll get him alone.
371
00:12:32,740 --> 00:12:34,783
What are you gonna do?
Let's just say I'm not above
372
00:12:34,867 --> 00:12:36,535
using my feminine wiles.
373
00:12:36,619 --> 00:12:37,828
Danny Matthews, I'm with the school,
374
00:12:37,912 --> 00:12:39,079
you need to follow me right now.
375
00:12:39,163 --> 00:12:41,332
Okay. Is everything..
. I said now, mister.
376
00:12:43,085 --> 00:12:45,712
I'm one caller away.
I can't believe we figured it out.
377
00:12:45,796 --> 00:12:47,922
And I can't believe
it took you this long.
378
00:12:48,006 --> 00:12:49,924
Yogurt is literally your one thing.
379
00:12:50,008 --> 00:12:51,759
Okay, okay. Well, I'm just saying.
380
00:12:51,843 --> 00:12:53,678
If the sound were eating damp rice,
381
00:12:53,762 --> 00:12:55,638
I would've gotten it immediately.
382
00:12:55,722 --> 00:12:56,973
Guys, they're taking another guess.
383
00:12:57,057 --> 00:12:58,601
RADIO HOST: All right,
Brenda from Yonkers.
384
00:12:58,685 --> 00:13:00,227
It's time for you to name that sound.
385
00:13:00,311 --> 00:13:01,729
BRENDA: Hi. Quick shout-out
386
00:13:01,813 --> 00:13:03,314
to the nurses at United Pediatric.
387
00:13:03,398 --> 00:13:05,191
This money'll do
those kids a lot of good.
388
00:13:05,275 --> 00:13:06,567
Cry me a river, Brenda from Yonkers,
389
00:13:06,651 --> 00:13:07,943
we've all had budget cuts,
390
00:13:08,027 --> 00:13:09,028
just take your guess.
391
00:13:09,112 --> 00:13:10,362
Is it Styrofoam?
392
00:13:10,446 --> 00:13:11,698
RADIO HOST: Wrong!
393
00:13:12,198 --> 00:13:14,034
I can't believe she guessed Styrofoam.
394
00:13:14,118 --> 00:13:15,452
What a dumb nurse.
395
00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:18,747
-Next caller, you're on with the Horndog.
-[WHISPERS] It's me!
396
00:13:18,831 --> 00:13:22,459
The sound is a yogurt being opened.
397
00:13:22,543 --> 00:13:24,211
That is…
398
00:13:25,546 --> 00:13:27,423
-Wrong!
-What?
399
00:13:27,507 --> 00:13:29,884
-No!
-You b-b-b-blew it!
400
00:13:30,385 --> 00:13:32,094
Damn you, Horndog.
401
00:13:32,178 --> 00:13:33,930
Okay, I have tabulated your responses,
402
00:13:34,014 --> 00:13:35,723
and the results are definitive.
403
00:13:35,807 --> 00:13:37,309
Amazing. It's a dead tie.
404
00:13:38,143 --> 00:13:39,519
This is dumb.
I'm just gonna end it with both of them.
405
00:13:39,603 --> 00:13:41,562
Rosa, stop. There is one more method.
406
00:13:41,646 --> 00:13:43,357
Ancient Boyles believed
407
00:13:43,441 --> 00:13:45,067
that suspending yourself by your feet
408
00:13:45,151 --> 00:13:48,111
forces your blood to the
decision center of your brain.
409
00:13:48,195 --> 00:13:52,115
We call this method the
"Upside-Down Coward."
410
00:13:52,199 --> 00:13:53,659
You want me to hang
from the ceiling like a bat?
411
00:13:53,743 --> 00:13:55,577
The bat is nature's most decisive animal.
412
00:13:55,661 --> 00:13:57,079
The creature that
flails around frantically?
413
00:13:57,163 --> 00:13:58,414
Those are all micro-decisions.
414
00:13:58,498 --> 00:14:00,048
Now, let's get you strapped up.
415
00:14:00,834 --> 00:14:02,961
How do you feel? Nauseous.
416
00:14:03,045 --> 00:14:05,129
Good. It's working.
417
00:14:05,213 --> 00:14:06,214
-GINA: Q?
-Yeah.
418
00:14:06,298 --> 00:14:07,298
Get off the phone.
419
00:14:07,382 --> 00:14:10,552
Now, I'm not sure how
serious you were about funding,
420
00:14:10,636 --> 00:14:13,722
but I should tell you
there's 103 other bidders.
421
00:14:13,806 --> 00:14:15,849
I am not a fan of
getting into bidding wars.
422
00:14:15,933 --> 00:14:17,101
Then don't make an offer,
423
00:14:17,185 --> 00:14:18,352
'cause I want babies on my app,
424
00:14:18,436 --> 00:14:20,145
but not in my boardroom.
425
00:14:20,229 --> 00:14:21,564
Oh, damn, Gina.
426
00:14:21,648 --> 00:14:22,982
Did you just "oh, damn" yourself?
427
00:14:23,066 --> 00:14:24,901
Someone had to. Okay.
428
00:14:26,611 --> 00:14:27,904
Let's talk numbers.
429
00:14:27,988 --> 00:14:29,698
Mr. Peralta, I believe you
know Danny Matthews.
430
00:14:29,782 --> 00:14:31,825
Jake. Hey, what's going on, man?
431
00:14:31,909 --> 00:14:33,827
The answer to that question
432
00:14:33,911 --> 00:14:35,787
goes back to a brisk day in 1997,
433
00:14:35,871 --> 00:14:37,956
a day you told a lie.
434
00:14:38,040 --> 00:14:41,126
But the lying stops right now!
435
00:14:42,002 --> 00:14:44,422
Oh, no!
You broke some poor kid's science project!
436
00:14:44,506 --> 00:14:46,632
We have to fix it.
Kind of in the middle of something.
437
00:14:46,716 --> 00:14:48,467
Oh! You know what? Krebs cycle.
438
00:14:48,551 --> 00:14:49,719
I got this. Great.
439
00:14:49,803 --> 00:14:52,179
So, Danny, true or false?
440
00:14:52,263 --> 00:14:53,639
You were on the football team.
441
00:14:53,723 --> 00:14:55,266
True? And true or false,
442
00:14:55,350 --> 00:14:57,351
you had third period with Brandon Bliss.
443
00:14:57,435 --> 00:14:58,604
Mmm, I honestly don't remember…
444
00:14:58,688 --> 00:15:00,147
It was true! We checked the records,
445
00:15:00,231 --> 00:15:01,690
and I have one more question.
446
00:15:01,774 --> 00:15:02,858
Ooh, Jake, can you get me
447
00:15:02,942 --> 00:15:03,942
that oxygen on the floor? Little red guy.
448
00:15:04,026 --> 00:15:06,276
What? Sorry. You know what?
Yeah, I'll get it.
449
00:15:07,446 --> 00:15:09,781
Why did you tell Brandon
Bliss that I was the Tattler?
450
00:15:09,865 --> 00:15:11,742
Because you were.
I saw you talking to principal.
451
00:15:11,826 --> 00:15:13,202
I remember it, clear as day.
452
00:15:13,286 --> 00:15:14,579
Look, you couldn't have seen me,
453
00:15:14,663 --> 00:15:15,955
because I wasn't there. I didn't tattle.
454
00:15:16,039 --> 00:15:17,874
Man, it was you, okay?
455
00:15:17,958 --> 00:15:19,959
You had your long hair
and your little earring,
456
00:15:20,043 --> 00:15:22,843
and the denim jacket you
are literally wearing right now.
457
00:15:23,672 --> 00:15:24,673
Oh, no.
458
00:15:25,173 --> 00:15:26,425
It wasn't me,
459
00:15:27,467 --> 00:15:29,303
but it was the DDC.
460
00:15:30,221 --> 00:15:33,349
Gina.
Jake, guess who just sold her app idea.
461
00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:35,726
Don't trust her.
Everything she's told you is a lie.
462
00:15:35,810 --> 00:15:37,603
She made up the company
and everything else.
463
00:15:37,687 --> 00:15:39,938
She's a liar.
Jake, whatever strategy this is,
464
00:15:40,022 --> 00:15:42,107
is not necessary.
I already closed the deal.
465
00:15:42,191 --> 00:15:43,986
I know you were the Tattler.
466
00:15:48,323 --> 00:15:51,701
Amy, I'm ready to go. Yep, totally.
467
00:15:51,785 --> 00:15:53,203
I'm almost done with this project,
468
00:15:53,287 --> 00:15:54,621
but I don't need to finish it,
469
00:15:54,705 --> 00:15:56,414
because what matters is that
470
00:15:56,498 --> 00:15:58,208
you are going through something.
471
00:15:58,292 --> 00:16:00,836
And as your wife, and love of your life…
472
00:16:00,920 --> 00:16:02,630
Are you vamping so you can finish that?
473
00:16:02,714 --> 00:16:04,674
I only have two molecules left.
Come on, man.
474
00:16:04,758 --> 00:16:06,175
Jake, we need to talk.
475
00:16:06,259 --> 00:16:08,010
Yeah, you guys do need to talk.
476
00:16:08,094 --> 00:16:10,721
That sounds excellent.
Friendship, so much history…
477
00:16:10,805 --> 00:16:12,431
I'm just gonna get this out of your way.
478
00:16:12,515 --> 00:16:13,851
Oh, man.
479
00:16:14,769 --> 00:16:15,769
What the hell, Gina?
480
00:16:15,853 --> 00:16:17,270
You ruined my entire senior year.
481
00:16:17,354 --> 00:16:18,814
How could you do that to me?
482
00:16:18,898 --> 00:16:20,273
Jake, I was only trying to help.
483
00:16:20,357 --> 00:16:22,192
You were hanging out with
those guys and getting close,
484
00:16:22,276 --> 00:16:23,694
and they weren't good people.
485
00:16:23,778 --> 00:16:25,987
Do you know why Brandon
wasn't at the reunion tonight?
486
00:16:26,071 --> 00:16:27,698
I don't know. Probably 'cause he
was shooting a beer commercial
487
00:16:27,782 --> 00:16:29,534
where the whole plot was that
everyone wanted to sleep with him.
488
00:16:29,618 --> 00:16:31,577
No, 'cause he's on parole.
489
00:16:31,661 --> 00:16:33,746
He's not allowed to leave
the state of Delaware.
490
00:16:33,830 --> 00:16:35,456
Okay, so that's obviously a bummer,
491
00:16:35,540 --> 00:16:37,166
but I wasn't gonna end up like him.
492
00:16:37,250 --> 00:16:38,334
You were starting to.
493
00:16:38,418 --> 00:16:39,502
You wanted to steal a van with him,
494
00:16:39,586 --> 00:16:41,838
and I told you not to and
you weren't listening to me.
495
00:16:41,922 --> 00:16:44,174
I mean, what would've
happened if you got caught?
496
00:16:44,258 --> 00:16:46,677
I don't know.
You would never have become a cop.
497
00:16:46,761 --> 00:16:48,470
Yeah, I'm the reason you're a cop,
498
00:16:48,554 --> 00:16:50,264
I'm your origin story, dude.
499
00:16:50,348 --> 00:16:51,498
You can't be mad at me.
500
00:16:51,849 --> 00:16:53,601
I feel like I'm still pretty mad.
501
00:16:53,726 --> 00:16:55,477
Peter Parker wasn't mad at his spider.
502
00:16:55,561 --> 00:16:57,438
Yeah, but they weren't
best friends before the bite.
503
00:16:57,522 --> 00:16:59,023
And it still doesn't explain
how you let everyone think
504
00:16:59,107 --> 00:17:01,109
I was the Tattler for 20 years.
505
00:17:01,193 --> 00:17:02,902
Well, I didn't want
to lose our friendship.
506
00:17:02,986 --> 00:17:05,364
I was being weak. I'm sorry.
507
00:17:06,490 --> 00:17:07,824
[SIGHS]
508
00:17:07,908 --> 00:17:09,534
Okay.
And if it makes you feel any better,
509
00:17:09,618 --> 00:17:11,953
that app thing completely
blew up in my face.
510
00:17:12,037 --> 00:17:13,455
I mean, my night sucked.
511
00:17:14,457 --> 00:17:15,916
Okay, I can see from your expression
512
00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:17,460
that your night was worse
513
00:17:17,544 --> 00:17:20,171
and I should've left it at "sorry."
514
00:17:20,255 --> 00:17:21,589
HOLT: So, did you hear?
515
00:17:21,673 --> 00:17:23,883
Someone guessed the sound.
It was a bag of chips.
516
00:17:23,967 --> 00:17:25,384
Wow. So, the lesson here is
517
00:17:25,468 --> 00:17:26,844
to listen to Hitchcock and Scully more?
518
00:17:26,928 --> 00:17:29,181
No, that can't be possible.
Yeah, I don't think we earned that today.
519
00:17:29,265 --> 00:17:30,849
Agreed. Sorry for dragging you
520
00:17:30,933 --> 00:17:33,852
into that dumb game. You were right.
It was a waste of time.
521
00:17:33,936 --> 00:17:35,103
No, it wasn't.
522
00:17:35,187 --> 00:17:37,189
Even though it was
pointless, I did enjoy myself.
523
00:17:37,273 --> 00:17:39,483
I can't wait to go home and tell Kevin
524
00:17:39,567 --> 00:17:41,818
you can have fun
without being productive.
525
00:17:41,902 --> 00:17:44,602
Hey, guys, they're about to
play the new mystery sound.
526
00:17:45,365 --> 00:17:47,658
I can tell Kevin tomorrow.
I'll bet Sharon's already asleep.
527
00:17:47,742 --> 00:17:49,292
And I've got no one in my life.
528
00:17:49,661 --> 00:17:51,621
Scully, play that damn noise.
529
00:17:52,664 --> 00:17:54,248
Quentin, can I talk to you for a minute?
530
00:17:54,332 --> 00:17:55,875
Are you here to give me a long speech
531
00:17:55,959 --> 00:17:57,418
about how you still deserve my money?
532
00:17:57,502 --> 00:17:59,713
No. I am.
533
00:17:59,797 --> 00:18:01,548
Very cool entrance. Thank you.
534
00:18:01,632 --> 00:18:04,802
Listen.
Gina Linetti is not a perfect person.
535
00:18:04,886 --> 00:18:06,929
Oh. I'm hoping this gets more
supportive as it goes along.
536
00:18:07,013 --> 00:18:08,180
But what she lacks in perfection
537
00:18:08,264 --> 00:18:09,890
she makes up for with an utter
538
00:18:09,974 --> 00:18:11,600
and total belief that she is perfect.
539
00:18:11,684 --> 00:18:13,143
You said "but," and then
you said something worse.
540
00:18:13,227 --> 00:18:15,063
She is fiercely loyal.
541
00:18:15,147 --> 00:18:16,981
She will do the right thing for you
542
00:18:17,065 --> 00:18:19,401
even when you can't see it for yourself.
543
00:18:20,235 --> 00:18:23,613
And she's saved my ass countless times.
And it's been 12, I counted.
544
00:18:23,697 --> 00:18:25,031
She came up with an idea on the spot
545
00:18:25,115 --> 00:18:26,407
that you were interested in.
546
00:18:26,491 --> 00:18:28,941
Imagine what she could
do with time and resources.
547
00:18:29,537 --> 00:18:30,955
Do the world a favor.
548
00:18:31,039 --> 00:18:33,166
Invest in Gina Linetti.
549
00:18:37,503 --> 00:18:38,504
Hard pass.
550
00:18:38,588 --> 00:18:40,339
What? What? But my great speech…
551
00:18:40,423 --> 00:18:42,341
Yeah, the speech was great,
552
00:18:42,425 --> 00:18:44,344
but I've also been lying all night.
553
00:18:44,428 --> 00:18:45,846
I'm not a tech mogul,
554
00:18:45,930 --> 00:18:47,138
I came here to mess with people.
555
00:18:47,222 --> 00:18:49,099
How dare you! Speaking of which,
556
00:18:49,183 --> 00:18:51,476
did either one of you drive?
'Cause I could use a ride.
557
00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:53,145
No, Quentin. Oh, Quentin.
558
00:18:54,438 --> 00:18:55,647
Okay.
559
00:18:55,731 --> 00:18:57,482
Now open your eyes,
560
00:18:57,566 --> 00:18:59,276
and the person you are meant to be with
561
00:18:59,360 --> 00:19:01,821
should appear before you.
562
00:19:02,739 --> 00:19:03,906
[BOTH YELLING]
563
00:19:03,990 --> 00:19:05,616
Sorry. I was just watching.
564
00:19:05,700 --> 00:19:07,050
Get out of here, Hitchcock!
565
00:19:07,786 --> 00:19:08,786
[GROANING]
566
00:19:08,870 --> 00:19:11,539
This isn't working.
I'm no closer to making a decision.
567
00:19:11,623 --> 00:19:14,023
I'm jumping down.
Well, you can't just jump down…
568
00:19:14,919 --> 00:19:16,712
My goodness! It's over.
569
00:19:16,796 --> 00:19:18,422
I'm gonna put 'em both in a
group text and say "peace out."
570
00:19:18,506 --> 00:19:20,048
No! There's still more options.
571
00:19:20,132 --> 00:19:21,633
We haven't even done role-play yet.
572
00:19:21,717 --> 00:19:22,718
-[PHONE CHIMES]
-What?
573
00:19:23,260 --> 00:19:24,887
[GROANS] I took too
long getting back to Quinoa
574
00:19:24,971 --> 00:19:26,555
and they got mad and ended it.
575
00:19:27,098 --> 00:19:29,099
And that's how it's done.
What are you talking about?
576
00:19:29,183 --> 00:19:31,686
The process worked.
Boyles don't make decisions,
577
00:19:31,770 --> 00:19:33,229
we delay our decisions
578
00:19:33,313 --> 00:19:34,772
until the universe makes them for us.
579
00:19:34,856 --> 00:19:38,151
That way, we never make a wrong choice.
That is very sad,
580
00:19:38,235 --> 00:19:39,819
but also, I guess it worked. Mmm.
581
00:19:39,903 --> 00:19:42,196
I do feel pretty good.
Couscous is dope. She's funny.
582
00:19:42,280 --> 00:19:43,656
Couscous is a she! I knew it!
583
00:19:43,740 --> 00:19:45,784
Did you? No, and I still don't know.
584
00:19:45,868 --> 00:19:47,786
There's equal chance you
called them "she" to throw me off.
585
00:19:47,870 --> 00:19:48,997
You get me, Boyle.
586
00:19:51,082 --> 00:19:54,251
So, I think I figured out an
awesome and dramatic way
587
00:19:54,335 --> 00:19:56,462
to reveal that I was the Tattler.
588
00:19:56,546 --> 00:19:59,841
It'll be a dance.
There'll be costumes. Gina, it's fine.
589
00:19:59,925 --> 00:20:02,052
I don't care anymore.
It's all in the past.
590
00:20:02,136 --> 00:20:04,137
Oh, thank God. That is such a relief,
591
00:20:04,221 --> 00:20:06,306
'cause I didn't want people
thinking I was a tattler.
592
00:20:06,390 --> 00:20:07,390
[SIGHS]
593
00:20:07,474 --> 00:20:09,225
Where's Amy? She is in the library,
594
00:20:09,309 --> 00:20:11,186
writing a book report on Jane Eyre.
595
00:20:11,270 --> 00:20:13,563
And she told me "not to wait up."
596
00:20:13,647 --> 00:20:15,400
[EXCLAIMS] Yeah.
597
00:20:16,109 --> 00:20:17,860
Thanks for trying to help with Quentin.
598
00:20:17,944 --> 00:20:19,487
It's funny. Even though it wasn't real,
599
00:20:19,571 --> 00:20:22,323
it was so fun imagining
running my own company.
600
00:20:22,407 --> 00:20:25,701
So, why don't your pursue it?
I can't raise my kid and create an app
601
00:20:25,785 --> 00:20:27,954
and work at the Nine-Nine. It's too much.
602
00:20:28,038 --> 00:20:30,666
Well, then, prepare for me to murder
your parents right in front of your face.
603
00:20:30,750 --> 00:20:31,917
Rude. No.
604
00:20:32,001 --> 00:20:33,418
It's Batman's origin story,
605
00:20:33,502 --> 00:20:35,295
like the radioactive spider
thing you did with me.
606
00:20:35,379 --> 00:20:36,672
I don't read comic books.
607
00:20:38,257 --> 00:20:39,758
You helped me become who I am,
608
00:20:39,842 --> 00:20:41,542
so now I'm gonna return the favor.
609
00:20:43,137 --> 00:20:44,554
Gina,
610
00:20:44,638 --> 00:20:47,288
I think your talents might
be wasted at the Nine-Nine.
611
00:20:47,642 --> 00:20:49,811
I love you, but it might
be time for you to move on.
612
00:20:49,895 --> 00:20:52,063
Um, are you firing me? What? No.
613
00:20:52,147 --> 00:20:54,691
I don't think I could even do that.
Good, because I quit.
614
00:20:54,775 --> 00:20:56,401
You know, tonight I realized
615
00:20:56,485 --> 00:20:59,153
that my talents are being
wasted at the Nine-Nine.
616
00:20:59,237 --> 00:21:01,073
Okay, that's kind of
exactly what I just said.
617
00:21:01,157 --> 00:21:03,076
Jake, let me finish. This is serious.
618
00:21:04,577 --> 00:21:07,914
It's time for me to move on.
For real, though, it is.
619
00:21:08,414 --> 00:21:09,749
Really?
620
00:21:13,711 --> 00:21:14,712
Okay.
621
00:21:15,756 --> 00:21:18,092
Proud of you. Thank you.
622
00:21:18,300 --> 00:21:19,551
I'm proud of me, too.
623
00:21:21,011 --> 00:21:24,973
Guys! Vice-principal caught
me in the library. Let's roll!
47434
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