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www.tvsubtitles.net
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Good evening, everybody.
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00:00:03,259 --> 00:00:06,995
"play up, play up, and play the game."
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00:00:06,996 --> 00:00:12,000
Kipling said that if you
can meet triumph and disaster
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00:00:12,001 --> 00:00:14,969
And treat them just the same,
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00:00:14,970 --> 00:00:17,606
Then you will be a man.
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00:00:18,941 --> 00:00:22,411
These days of course, you
would have to say "person,"
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Which doesn't even scan.
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00:00:25,181 --> 00:00:30,251
But nobody bothers about that
sort of thing anymore, of course.
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00:00:30,252 --> 00:00:34,956
Nonetheless, Kipling's message is
needed more today than it ever was.
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Because sport, as we shall see,
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00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:40,962
Is like a half-sucked sweet,
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00:00:40,963 --> 00:00:43,965
Not what it used to be.
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00:00:45,401 --> 00:00:48,804
( theme music playing )
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00:00:53,876 --> 00:00:55,444
Goody: Sorry, sorry.
16
00:00:56,546 --> 00:00:58,279
I love football.
17
00:00:58,280 --> 00:01:01,450
There's so many aspects
to the modern game-
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00:01:01,451 --> 00:01:05,687
The beer, the crisps,
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00:01:05,688 --> 00:01:07,789
The dirty songs,
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00:01:07,790 --> 00:01:10,959
Just savoring the pre-match atmosphere.
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00:01:11,961 --> 00:01:13,495
( belches )
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00:01:15,331 --> 00:01:19,401
Do you mind? I think we could do
without your pre-match atmosphere.
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00:01:19,402 --> 00:01:21,737
Oh, I love a good burp, me.
24
00:01:21,738 --> 00:01:24,272
A really good chewy one.
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00:01:24,273 --> 00:01:26,608
Big solid beer-flavored belch.
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00:01:28,578 --> 00:01:33,582
A really huge tongue-twanging
mouthful of gas and dinner.
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00:01:33,583 --> 00:01:36,117
Nothing like it.
Especially at the footie.
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00:01:36,118 --> 00:01:38,820
Gladiators is my sport.
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00:01:41,290 --> 00:01:44,025
I love it. Such thighs.
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Colossal thighs.
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They could crack nuts with those thighs.
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00:01:49,499 --> 00:01:51,900
In wolf's case, his own.
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00:01:53,168 --> 00:01:55,103
Oh, yes. I'm going to
go in for it one day,
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00:01:55,104 --> 00:01:57,506
When I've pumped enough
iron to fill my leotard.
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00:01:59,141 --> 00:02:02,310
I've already got my
name- love muscle.
36
00:02:03,713 --> 00:02:06,848
Yes, football is boring
compared to gladiators.
37
00:02:06,849 --> 00:02:09,017
Football is not boring.
38
00:02:09,018 --> 00:02:10,184
No.
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00:02:10,185 --> 00:02:12,387
It's the reason god
made Saturday afternoons.
40
00:02:12,388 --> 00:02:16,525
Football is just a socially
sanitized homo-erotic ritual.
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00:02:16,526 --> 00:02:18,427
"socially
sat--"
42
00:02:18,428 --> 00:02:20,094
What nonsense, constable Habib.
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00:02:20,095 --> 00:02:22,964
Is there no trendy leftist theorem
44
00:02:22,965 --> 00:02:25,133
Which you will not uncritically embrace?
45
00:02:25,134 --> 00:02:28,269
Some american feminists
think sport was invented
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00:02:28,270 --> 00:02:32,273
So that men could avoid
confronting their sexuality.
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00:02:32,274 --> 00:02:35,310
Some american feminists
think that phoning a woman
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00:02:35,311 --> 00:02:39,047
While she's having an afternoon
nap constitutes assault.
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00:02:39,048 --> 00:02:42,684
Homo-erotic ritual?
Coconuts and custard.
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00:02:42,685 --> 00:02:46,087
On what evidence is such an
appalling generalization based?
51
00:02:46,088 --> 00:02:48,389
I think it's obvious.
52
00:02:48,390 --> 00:02:51,426
For instance, Gary plays
football every Sunday.
53
00:02:51,427 --> 00:02:54,395
Now, what do you do
after the game, Gary?
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00:02:54,396 --> 00:02:57,231
Let me think.
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00:02:57,232 --> 00:03:00,969
We all get in the bath together,
we have a bit of a splash,
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00:03:00,970 --> 00:03:03,104
And a bit of a sing-song, you know?
57
00:03:03,105 --> 00:03:05,807
"the hairs on her dickey di
do," "tits out for the lads"--
58
00:03:06,976 --> 00:03:09,511
All the classics.
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00:03:09,512 --> 00:03:11,646
And then after that
there's a towel fight-
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00:03:11,647 --> 00:03:13,682
You beat each other with wet towels?
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00:03:13,683 --> 00:03:15,784
You've got to have a flick, haven't you?
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00:03:15,785 --> 00:03:18,887
Then we all get in the pub, pour a
load of beer over each other's heads,
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00:03:18,888 --> 00:03:21,055
And sing more songs
about lovely saucy birds.
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00:03:21,056 --> 00:03:24,726
If it's a really good night, fall over
in a puddle of vom' on the way home.
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00:03:26,061 --> 00:03:28,429
There you go. Blokes
singing about women,
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00:03:28,430 --> 00:03:31,366
But actually wallowing
in their own naked excess.
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00:03:31,367 --> 00:03:33,635
It's transparent
suppressed homo-eroticism.
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00:03:33,636 --> 00:03:36,204
Long as it gets you pissed.
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00:03:36,205 --> 00:03:37,672
Constable Habib,
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00:03:37,673 --> 00:03:39,975
Do you think that the
gay sexual community
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00:03:39,976 --> 00:03:43,411
Would thank you for categorizing
their particular sexual preference
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00:03:43,412 --> 00:03:47,382
As the act of a disgusting,
puerile, drunken oaf like Boyle?
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00:03:47,383 --> 00:03:51,252
- Steady on.
- Your mistake, constable Habib,
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00:03:51,253 --> 00:03:53,989
Is to seek a sexual
explanation for the simple truth
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00:03:53,990 --> 00:03:57,692
That men understand football
but they rarely understand women.
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00:03:57,693 --> 00:04:00,128
Oh, that's very true, sir.
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00:04:00,129 --> 00:04:03,565
I could demonstrate the
mechanics of the offside trap,
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00:04:03,566 --> 00:04:05,867
But I couldn't tell you why
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00:04:05,868 --> 00:04:08,737
All the women I have ever
loved have said to me,
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00:04:08,738 --> 00:04:11,072
"I've got a fat bottom."
81
00:04:11,073 --> 00:04:14,609
And then I say, "yes, I like it."
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00:04:14,610 --> 00:04:16,878
They throw their dinner at me.
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00:04:16,879 --> 00:04:19,648
Lying about a girl's bottom
is part of a man's duties.
84
00:04:19,649 --> 00:04:22,483
It makes up for never
putting the toilet seat down
85
00:04:22,484 --> 00:04:25,053
And not replacing the
loo roll when it's empty.
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00:04:25,054 --> 00:04:27,088
Well, explain this then.
87
00:04:27,089 --> 00:04:31,292
What is it about the inability
of women to get out of the house?
88
00:04:31,293 --> 00:04:32,994
- What?
- You heard.
89
00:04:32,995 --> 00:04:37,165
Why can't women ever
get out of the house?
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00:04:37,166 --> 00:04:41,102
I say, "Tina, we are leaving at 7:30."
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00:04:41,103 --> 00:04:45,740
That is 7:30, not a quarter
to 8:00, not next year,
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00:04:45,741 --> 00:04:49,343
Not in another lifetime when we've
come back as a couple of insects
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00:04:49,344 --> 00:04:53,114
Which only live for a day-
which she'd spend in the bathroom,
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00:04:53,115 --> 00:04:57,118
Putting mascara on her antennae
95
00:04:57,119 --> 00:05:03,091
And trying to stick 300 contact
lenses into her multiple eyes.
96
00:05:03,092 --> 00:05:06,928
Lipstick in
her- spiracles,
97
00:05:06,929 --> 00:05:09,297
And blonding her follicles.
98
00:05:09,298 --> 00:05:12,801
- Yes, the kick-off is-
- I shout, "come on, Tina!"
99
00:05:12,802 --> 00:05:15,637
She says, "I've got to
put my face on, haven't I?"
100
00:05:15,638 --> 00:05:18,773
I say, "right. I'm waiting in the
car. She says, "wait in the car."
101
00:05:18,774 --> 00:05:22,010
I say, "I will wait in the car." she
says, "right, go wait in the car."
102
00:05:22,011 --> 00:05:23,612
I say, "I'm going out to the car."
103
00:05:23,613 --> 00:05:27,816
She says, "you go to the
car." it grinds you down.
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00:05:28,818 --> 00:05:30,852
( sighs )
105
00:05:32,087 --> 00:05:35,190
Oh, what a very splendid thing this is,
106
00:05:35,191 --> 00:05:39,527
The local community coming
together in celebration of sport.
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00:05:39,528 --> 00:05:42,730
It's what being british is all about.
108
00:05:42,731 --> 00:05:45,466
What? Being wet and bored?
109
00:05:45,467 --> 00:05:48,570
Well, yes, being wet and
bored is part of it, certainly.
110
00:05:48,571 --> 00:05:50,771
But there's so much more.
111
00:05:50,772 --> 00:05:53,474
I mean, look at this stadium.
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00:05:53,475 --> 00:05:55,343
It reeks of history.
113
00:05:55,344 --> 00:05:57,412
It reeks of weed.
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00:05:57,413 --> 00:05:59,414
Under these ancient terraces,
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00:05:59,415 --> 00:06:01,882
Gasforth town F.C. have seen it all.
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00:06:01,883 --> 00:06:07,255
From not quite disaster,
to complete disaster.
117
00:06:07,256 --> 00:06:11,726
From bottom of the league,
to not even in the league.
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00:06:11,727 --> 00:06:15,162
- It's a dump.
- And therein lies its glory.
119
00:06:16,765 --> 00:06:21,302
We don't need some vast superbowl
with a great big electronic sign
120
00:06:21,303 --> 00:06:25,973
That says "fwaaaah! Go-ooo!"
121
00:06:25,974 --> 00:06:29,110
We're quite happy to gather
together in small groups
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00:06:29,111 --> 00:06:32,179
On a wet Saturday and be a bit sad.
123
00:06:32,180 --> 00:06:34,382
( players yelling )
124
00:06:36,452 --> 00:06:38,786
- ( crowd sighs )
- ( whistle blows )
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00:06:38,787 --> 00:06:42,323
Do you think they know they're
supposed to get the round leather thing
126
00:06:42,324 --> 00:06:45,159
Into the big square netty thing?
127
00:06:45,160 --> 00:06:47,262
Amateurs all, Goody, remember that.
128
00:06:47,263 --> 00:06:50,131
Weekend
sporting heroes-
129
00:06:50,132 --> 00:06:54,235
Butchers, bakers, builders.
130
00:06:54,236 --> 00:06:57,104
I wouldn't want to live in
a house that lot had built.
131
00:06:57,105 --> 00:07:00,841
- They're just not very good, are they?
- Exactly, Habib.
132
00:07:00,842 --> 00:07:04,145
Not being good at things is
what the british are good at.
133
00:07:04,146 --> 00:07:06,781
We excel in failure.
134
00:07:06,782 --> 00:07:10,151
A good thing too, because
failure is character building.
135
00:07:10,152 --> 00:07:14,088
Some of our finest
moments have been defeats.
136
00:07:14,089 --> 00:07:17,292
Mons, Dunkirk,
137
00:07:17,293 --> 00:07:20,261
Lulu coming second at eurovision
with "boom bang a bang."
138
00:07:20,262 --> 00:07:23,164
The french vote was
our undoing, of course.
139
00:07:23,165 --> 00:07:26,634
They've never got over Agincourt.
140
00:07:27,636 --> 00:07:29,170
What a waste of time.
141
00:07:29,171 --> 00:07:31,939
I've never seen such a useless
142
00:07:31,940 --> 00:07:34,642
Bunch of old women in all my life.
143
00:07:34,643 --> 00:07:38,078
They've got no aggression,
no killer instinct.
144
00:07:38,079 --> 00:07:40,214
Oh, I don't know.
145
00:07:40,215 --> 00:07:42,283
The one with the limp's not bad.
146
00:07:42,284 --> 00:07:44,419
I'm not talking about the players,
147
00:07:44,420 --> 00:07:46,421
I'm talking about the fans.
148
00:07:46,422 --> 00:07:51,025
I am an inspector of
criminal investigations.
149
00:07:51,026 --> 00:07:53,461
When I police a football match
150
00:07:53,462 --> 00:07:56,197
I expect a decent enemy.
151
00:07:56,198 --> 00:07:58,700
Where are the skinheads,
152
00:07:58,701 --> 00:08:01,602
The shadowy street-fighting generals?
153
00:08:01,603 --> 00:08:06,140
You only get premiere-league hooligans
with premiere-league sides, sir.
154
00:08:06,141 --> 00:08:08,343
Don't be so defeatist, constable Boyle,
155
00:08:08,344 --> 00:08:12,947
This could be the season when
Gasforth F.C. rises like a phoenix.
156
00:08:12,948 --> 00:08:14,816
More like a turkey.
157
00:08:14,817 --> 00:08:17,418
We're already through the
first round of the F.A. Cup.
158
00:08:17,419 --> 00:08:21,589
Only because their lot all got
food poisoning from our burger van.
159
00:08:21,590 --> 00:08:23,558
Nice game that. It's a long time
160
00:08:23,559 --> 00:08:26,160
Since I've seen 11 men
vomiting in tight formation.
161
00:08:26,161 --> 00:08:29,864
- Nonetheless, if we win today-
- Ooh, ooh, sir, sir, look!
162
00:08:29,865 --> 00:08:33,568
- ( crowd cheering )
- Goal!
163
00:08:33,569 --> 00:08:37,372
- ( whistle blows )
- An F.A. Cup second round victory for Gasforth.
164
00:08:37,373 --> 00:08:39,741
- Lucky shot.
- They all count.
165
00:08:39,742 --> 00:08:41,776
Where was their goalie?
166
00:08:41,777 --> 00:08:44,512
Look, sir. There he is
coming out of the bogs.
167
00:08:46,181 --> 00:08:49,350
Mmm, we really must get
the health and safety people
168
00:08:49,351 --> 00:08:51,719
To have a look at that burger van.
169
00:08:55,824 --> 00:08:59,660
Uggghhh! I can't stand it!
170
00:08:59,661 --> 00:09:02,963
Those pathetic
little- little builders
171
00:09:02,964 --> 00:09:04,999
Working outside the bank.
172
00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:07,668
Every time a woman goes
in or out of that door
173
00:09:07,669 --> 00:09:10,271
They're there, hanging
off their scaffolding
174
00:09:10,272 --> 00:09:12,473
Like sexually inadequate bats.
175
00:09:12,474 --> 00:09:14,776
- Who's that then?
- Men!
176
00:09:14,777 --> 00:09:17,845
Tiny brained, sexually frustrated,
177
00:09:17,846 --> 00:09:19,980
Emotionally retarded,
178
00:09:19,981 --> 00:09:24,084
Inadequate, puerile, juvenile, drooling,
179
00:09:24,085 --> 00:09:27,422
Leering, sneering, pointless bloody men.
180
00:09:28,824 --> 00:09:30,825
Could be half the blokes I know.
181
00:09:30,826 --> 00:09:32,560
Dawkins: They've always been bad.
182
00:09:32,561 --> 00:09:35,963
But this stupid F.A. Cup
thing's made them even worse.
183
00:09:35,964 --> 00:09:38,666
What you've got to do is
not sink to their level.
184
00:09:38,667 --> 00:09:41,536
Just turn around, give them a smile,
185
00:09:41,537 --> 00:09:43,337
Maybe a bit of a wiggle, and say,
186
00:09:43,338 --> 00:09:46,541
"Oi, bum head, do up your
flies, your brain's hanging out."
187
00:09:48,877 --> 00:09:50,411
Tell them get stuffed.
188
00:09:50,412 --> 00:09:53,180
Oh, yeah, sure.
189
00:09:53,181 --> 00:09:56,016
They're 30 feet up and I'm
standing on the pavement going,
190
00:09:56,017 --> 00:09:57,752
( weakly ) "Get stuffed."
191
00:09:57,753 --> 00:09:59,587
They'd love it!
192
00:09:59,588 --> 00:10:03,825
( deep voice ) Oohhh! You're
beautiful when you're angry, darling.
193
00:10:05,727 --> 00:10:09,330
Well, I would have
thought it were flattering.
194
00:10:09,331 --> 00:10:12,266
Of course it is, Boyle.
195
00:10:12,267 --> 00:10:14,802
There's nothing builds
up a girl's self-esteem
196
00:10:14,803 --> 00:10:16,571
Like having a human gorilla
197
00:10:16,572 --> 00:10:18,806
With a brain the size of a peanut
198
00:10:18,807 --> 00:10:21,976
Inviting you peel its banana!
199
00:10:23,946 --> 00:10:26,981
( humming ) Ah, sergeant,
200
00:10:26,982 --> 00:10:30,150
Since you still have 18 seconds
to go before you're back on duty...
201
00:10:30,151 --> 00:10:33,488
Darling, I must say you're
looking lovely today.
202
00:10:33,489 --> 00:10:35,089
Very lovely indeed.
203
00:10:35,090 --> 00:10:38,192
Do up your flies, bum head,
you're brain's hanging out.
204
00:10:40,061 --> 00:10:42,964
Mmm. Hmmm, well.
205
00:10:42,965 --> 00:10:45,533
I must get on, must get on.
206
00:10:47,702 --> 00:10:49,603
Constable Habib,
207
00:10:49,604 --> 00:10:52,473
Hold all but the most urgent calls.
208
00:10:52,474 --> 00:10:55,510
- There haven't been any calls.
- When there are, hold them.
209
00:10:55,511 --> 00:10:58,146
Inspector Grim, you're on duty.
210
00:10:58,147 --> 00:11:00,381
You can't strut about
like Roy of the rovers.
211
00:11:00,382 --> 00:11:04,052
I have gone undercover.
212
00:11:04,053 --> 00:11:07,221
That should fool them.
213
00:11:07,222 --> 00:11:11,159
Listen, Fowler, this
is the sharp end, mate,
214
00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:14,162
Not jolly cricket bats,
215
00:11:14,163 --> 00:11:17,165
Lovely boating weather, don't you know?
216
00:11:17,166 --> 00:11:19,733
Oxford and Cambridge-
row, row, row,
217
00:11:19,734 --> 00:11:21,802
And hoist your little
cox above your head.
218
00:11:23,572 --> 00:11:27,141
This is football, and
football is not a game.
219
00:11:27,142 --> 00:11:29,009
Well, obviously it is a game.
220
00:11:29,010 --> 00:11:31,479
But it is also not a game.
221
00:11:31,480 --> 00:11:33,247
I mean, even though it is a game,
222
00:11:33,248 --> 00:11:35,416
There's no point
treating it like a game,
223
00:11:35,417 --> 00:11:38,686
Because it is not a game.
Although clearly it is a game.
224
00:11:40,289 --> 00:11:42,790
All right, Boyle, with
me. Let's go, go, go.
225
00:11:42,791 --> 00:11:45,426
I think we should
contact the x-files, sir.
226
00:11:45,427 --> 00:11:49,297
Inspector Grim's body has been inhabited
by a being from the planet Berk.
227
00:11:50,299 --> 00:11:51,932
Respect for rank, Habib.
228
00:11:51,933 --> 00:11:54,202
It's just as well he's
out of the way, actually,
229
00:11:54,203 --> 00:11:56,137
I have an appointment with the mayoress.
230
00:11:56,138 --> 00:11:58,772
And he does rather lower the tone.
231
00:11:58,773 --> 00:12:01,409
- They mayoress is coming here?
- Yes, that's right.
232
00:12:01,410 --> 00:12:04,011
Dame Christabel Wickham.
233
00:12:04,012 --> 00:12:05,846
"Chrissy Wicky," yes.
234
00:12:05,847 --> 00:12:09,083
- Who you were at school with?
- I had that honor, yes.
235
00:12:09,084 --> 00:12:12,186
- And you've fancied ever since?
- Yes, that's the one- no!
236
00:12:12,187 --> 00:12:13,621
Now don't be absurd.
237
00:12:13,622 --> 00:12:16,257
I'll know anyway, because
your nose always twitches
238
00:12:16,258 --> 00:12:18,025
When you fancy someone.
239
00:12:18,026 --> 00:12:21,462
- Patricia, you're not jealous, surely?
- Of course not.
240
00:12:21,463 --> 00:12:23,598
Why would I be, when
my boyfriend dribbles
241
00:12:23,599 --> 00:12:25,466
At the thought of another woman?
242
00:12:25,467 --> 00:12:29,203
But that's ridiculous, Patricia.
How could you feel threatened by her?
243
00:12:29,204 --> 00:12:31,739
- It's insane.
- Are you sure, Raymond?
244
00:12:31,740 --> 00:12:33,241
Well, of course.
245
00:12:33,242 --> 00:12:36,977
Chrissy Wickham is brilliant,
beautiful, accomplished.
246
00:12:36,978 --> 00:12:40,281
I could never get a girl like that.
247
00:12:43,585 --> 00:12:45,719
She's completely out of my league.
248
00:12:48,123 --> 00:12:50,291
Thank you, Raymond, you've said enough.
249
00:12:50,292 --> 00:12:53,394
I hope I've set your mind at rest.
250
00:12:53,395 --> 00:12:58,098
A wonderful woman like that is scarcely
a threat to any girlfriend of mine.
251
00:13:02,371 --> 00:13:05,139
Good morning. Good
morning. Sit, sit, sit.
252
00:13:05,140 --> 00:13:07,241
As you all know, there's been
253
00:13:07,242 --> 00:13:10,611
A quite extraordinary
development in the world of sport.
254
00:13:10,612 --> 00:13:14,248
Gasforth are going to play a
premier-league side in the F.A. Cup.
255
00:13:14,249 --> 00:13:17,284
And what's more, it's a home
game. Chelsea are coming to us.
256
00:13:18,954 --> 00:13:21,522
Now what are our chief concerns?
257
00:13:21,523 --> 00:13:24,826
Let's... Kick
off, as it were-
258
00:13:24,827 --> 00:13:26,527
( chuckles )
259
00:13:30,599 --> 00:13:34,134
With the prospects for crowd trouble.
260
00:13:34,135 --> 00:13:37,905
Now sadly, the game of
football is not what it was.
261
00:13:37,906 --> 00:13:41,676
Gone are the days when
decent lads in enormous shorts
262
00:13:41,677 --> 00:13:46,481
Thrilled peaceful crowds of
chirpy cloth-capped costermongers.
263
00:13:48,817 --> 00:13:53,287
What sort of example do these permed
and preening louts of today set?
264
00:13:53,288 --> 00:13:55,322
These gazzers and bazzers
265
00:13:55,323 --> 00:13:58,860
And slashers and hackers
and rozzers and tozzers?
266
00:13:59,995 --> 00:14:02,329
Footballers used to have nice names.
267
00:14:02,330 --> 00:14:05,533
Like Dixie Dean,
268
00:14:05,534 --> 00:14:08,035
Tiddler Tompkins,
269
00:14:08,036 --> 00:14:10,938
Nobbie Nut and Ginger Curlies.
270
00:14:13,675 --> 00:14:17,578
Raymond, the world's finest example
of womanhood is at the front desk.
271
00:14:17,579 --> 00:14:20,648
Gloria Hunniford?
272
00:14:20,649 --> 00:14:26,454
The mayoress, brilliant, beautiful- think
she might have had a little chin tuck.
273
00:14:26,455 --> 00:14:29,290
The mayoress? Here already?
274
00:14:29,291 --> 00:14:30,925
( whimpers )
275
00:14:30,926 --> 00:14:33,060
- How do I look?
- Sad and pathetic.
276
00:14:33,061 --> 00:14:34,495
Good. Good.
277
00:14:37,733 --> 00:14:41,001
Mayoress Wickham, welcome to
our humble and unworthy station.
278
00:14:41,002 --> 00:14:43,738
Hello, Raymond.
279
00:14:46,642 --> 00:14:50,545
Your worship, this is
indeed an unhoped for honor.
280
00:14:52,414 --> 00:14:54,281
Don't be so formal.
281
00:14:54,282 --> 00:14:57,051
I can remember you following
me up the stairs in big school
282
00:14:57,052 --> 00:14:58,820
Trying to see my knickers.
283
00:15:00,823 --> 00:15:02,356
( titters )
284
00:15:05,694 --> 00:15:07,895
I'm- I'm astonished
and most touched
285
00:15:07,896 --> 00:15:11,131
That you recall our
former acquaintance, ma'am.
286
00:15:11,132 --> 00:15:14,936
I could hardly forget
old feely Fowler, could I?
287
00:15:14,937 --> 00:15:16,871
( nervously giggles )
288
00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:20,475
All right, where's your office?
289
00:15:20,476 --> 00:15:22,409
I want to get straight down to it.
290
00:15:30,218 --> 00:15:32,687
Tea, sergeant!
291
00:15:33,889 --> 00:15:36,657
Oh, please take a seat, your ma'amship.
292
00:15:36,658 --> 00:15:39,126
Oh, come on, Raymond.
293
00:15:39,127 --> 00:15:41,161
It's Chrissy in private.
294
00:15:41,162 --> 00:15:44,465
Oh, that is most kind
your-your Chrissyship.
295
00:15:48,971 --> 00:15:51,071
This fixture against Chelsea,
296
00:15:51,072 --> 00:15:54,475
It's quite simply the biggest thing
that's ever happened to Gasforth.
297
00:15:54,476 --> 00:15:56,777
And it could not have
come a better time.
298
00:15:56,778 --> 00:16:00,447
You are aware of our "relocate
in Gasforth" media campaign?
299
00:16:00,448 --> 00:16:03,484
Oh, I am indeed, yes.
I've seen the posters,
300
00:16:03,485 --> 00:16:07,488
"Gasforth, it's not
as bad as you think."
301
00:16:07,489 --> 00:16:10,992
Britain is poised to become
the sweatshop of europe.
302
00:16:10,993 --> 00:16:14,461
- And Gasforth cannot afford to be left behind.
- Well, no, indeed.
303
00:16:14,462 --> 00:16:16,430
We need profile.
304
00:16:16,431 --> 00:16:19,166
This F.A. Cup match is key.
305
00:16:19,167 --> 00:16:23,337
It will bring television, the press,
and thousands of people into the town.
306
00:16:23,338 --> 00:16:26,874
Win or lose, Gasforth is on the map.
307
00:16:26,875 --> 00:16:28,543
Your tea, ma'am.
308
00:16:28,544 --> 00:16:30,912
Put it on the desk and leave us.
309
00:16:33,582 --> 00:16:36,083
I didn't make you one, feely.
310
00:16:36,084 --> 00:16:38,519
Thought you were hot and
steaming enough already.
311
00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:41,221
Some biscuits, sergeant?
312
00:16:41,222 --> 00:16:43,223
If you offer her a custard cream
313
00:16:43,224 --> 00:16:45,359
Perhaps she'll let you
look at her knickers.
314
00:16:48,229 --> 00:16:52,733
This will be Gasforth's big day.
315
00:16:52,734 --> 00:16:56,170
If anyone even looks as if they
might cause trouble, lock 'em up.
316
00:16:57,573 --> 00:16:59,173
If you pull it off, Raymond,
317
00:16:59,174 --> 00:17:02,577
If my big day goes without a hitch,
318
00:17:02,578 --> 00:17:04,545
I'm going to do something for you
319
00:17:04,546 --> 00:17:06,614
That I know you've always wanted.
320
00:17:06,615 --> 00:17:09,650
Your worship.
Can you mean--?
321
00:17:09,651 --> 00:17:12,086
I'm going to write to
the honors commission
322
00:17:12,087 --> 00:17:14,488
And recommend you for an M.B.E.
323
00:17:16,191 --> 00:17:17,825
An m-
324
00:17:17,826 --> 00:17:21,028
An m-m-m-m,
an m-m-m-m,
325
00:17:21,029 --> 00:17:23,664
An m-
an m-
326
00:17:23,665 --> 00:17:27,434
An m-m-m-m-
blimey.
327
00:17:27,435 --> 00:17:29,003
Raymond.
328
00:17:30,005 --> 00:17:31,739
( spits )
329
00:17:35,877 --> 00:17:37,812
- Raymond!
- Huh? Patricia!
330
00:17:37,813 --> 00:17:39,480
( screams )
331
00:17:39,481 --> 00:17:41,749
- Fowler: Where am I?
- Raymond!
332
00:17:42,751 --> 00:17:44,284
Biscuits!
333
00:17:47,823 --> 00:17:50,758
Goody: Gladiators ready!
334
00:17:51,760 --> 00:17:53,928
Enter...
335
00:17:53,929 --> 00:17:56,263
Love muscle.
336
00:18:01,169 --> 00:18:03,170
Ooh, Maggie. Maggie, Maggie
337
00:18:03,171 --> 00:18:05,272
Maggie, come here. Come here.
338
00:18:05,273 --> 00:18:08,675
Okay, now, who am I? Who am I? Okay?
339
00:18:11,479 --> 00:18:13,647
Quack, quack, quack,
quack, quack, quack.
340
00:18:13,648 --> 00:18:16,217
Quack, quack, quack, wack, wack, wack.
341
00:18:18,419 --> 00:18:20,721
J. Nasty with a sore throat?
342
00:18:20,722 --> 00:18:22,823
Donald duck.
343
00:18:25,994 --> 00:18:29,296
Oh, I do love this riot gear.
344
00:18:31,299 --> 00:18:35,002
Really, what a horrid
mind suspicious you have.
345
00:18:35,003 --> 00:18:37,671
There are any number of
perfectly innocent reasons
346
00:18:37,672 --> 00:18:40,340
Why a man might put his
head up the mayoress' skirt.
347
00:18:41,943 --> 00:18:44,611
She promised to
recommend me for an M.B.E.
348
00:18:44,612 --> 00:18:47,481
Oh, well I hope she doesn't
try and get you knighted.
349
00:18:47,482 --> 00:18:49,716
I should probably find
you copulating together
350
00:18:49,717 --> 00:18:51,485
On the steps of the town hall!
351
00:18:51,486 --> 00:18:54,621
Really, Patricia, these
insinuations are unworthy of you.
352
00:18:54,622 --> 00:18:57,691
My relationship with the
mayoress is entirely respectable.
353
00:18:57,692 --> 00:19:00,261
Even when you've got your
face in her underwear?
354
00:19:00,262 --> 00:19:02,930
Particularly when I've got
my face in her underwear.
355
00:19:02,931 --> 00:19:04,364
Particularly.
356
00:19:04,365 --> 00:19:06,901
I think I've said all I
need to say on the subject.
357
00:19:06,902 --> 00:19:09,336
Can we kindly move on to another topic?
358
00:19:09,337 --> 00:19:11,238
All right. Right.
359
00:19:15,110 --> 00:19:17,344
I'm going to the bank at lunchtime.
360
00:19:17,345 --> 00:19:19,780
Can I get you anything from the shops?
361
00:19:19,781 --> 00:19:23,284
- Ooh, hmmm. - Some chocolates,
some flowers for the mayoress?
362
00:19:23,285 --> 00:19:28,622
Some blistick, so your lips don't get
chapped when you're next kissing her bottom?
363
00:19:34,429 --> 00:19:37,932
Our job on match day will be
to police the Gasforth crowd.
364
00:19:37,933 --> 00:19:42,303
The metropolitan police will, of course,
be in charge of the Chelsea supporters,
365
00:19:42,304 --> 00:19:46,073
And a nasty bunch of ill-mannered
yobbos they are bound to be.
366
00:19:46,074 --> 00:19:48,142
I anticipate quite appalling behavior.
367
00:19:48,143 --> 00:19:51,778
You're being prejudiced, sir.
Most supporters are genuine fans.
368
00:19:51,779 --> 00:19:54,181
I wasn't talking about
the supporters, Habib,
369
00:19:54,182 --> 00:19:56,984
I was talking about
the metropolitan police.
370
00:19:56,985 --> 00:20:01,388
The idea of Gasforth being awash with
London officers fills me with dread.
371
00:20:01,389 --> 00:20:03,790
Swaggering about the place,
372
00:20:03,791 --> 00:20:06,060
Calling each other "my son"...
373
00:20:07,929 --> 00:20:11,165
And saying that things
have gone a bit pear-shaped.
374
00:20:11,166 --> 00:20:15,135
We of the Gasforth constabulary will
be as smart as a bowl of cornflakes.
375
00:20:15,136 --> 00:20:18,805
I shall not have any of that
london police behavior around here.
376
00:20:18,806 --> 00:20:21,075
Right, you lot. Shut it!
377
00:20:22,210 --> 00:20:24,912
Strewth, Fowler, my son,
378
00:20:24,913 --> 00:20:27,714
It all looks a bit
pear-shaped round here or what?
379
00:20:28,884 --> 00:20:31,285
The guvnor's talking.
380
00:20:31,286 --> 00:20:34,288
Saturday's game, very dodgy.
381
00:20:34,289 --> 00:20:37,657
Very naughty. Could go
a little bit pear-shaped.
382
00:20:37,658 --> 00:20:40,460
If there's a ruck, things
might get, well, iffy.
383
00:20:40,461 --> 00:20:44,331
These faces are a little
bit hard. Know what I mean?
384
00:20:44,332 --> 00:20:46,633
A little bit- ufff!
Have some of that, my son.
385
00:20:46,634 --> 00:20:48,869
Bosh, salty, ta-ta.
386
00:20:48,870 --> 00:20:50,938
Got me? So be clever.
387
00:20:51,940 --> 00:20:54,208
Good. Now shut it!
388
00:20:54,209 --> 00:20:58,578
Inspector Grim, in recognition
of our multilingual society,
389
00:20:58,579 --> 00:21:02,516
The modern force boasts officers
trained in any number of languages.
390
00:21:02,517 --> 00:21:06,320
But not, I fear, complete idiot.
391
00:21:06,321 --> 00:21:13,360
Funny, tres droll. You're a
comedian, my son, that I do not think.
392
00:21:13,361 --> 00:21:16,931
I've been liaising with
some geezers at the met,
393
00:21:16,932 --> 00:21:19,333
Pooling our intelligence.
394
00:21:19,334 --> 00:21:22,769
Goodness, between you, you
must have made an imbecile.
395
00:21:22,770 --> 00:21:24,838
Shut it, you slag!
396
00:21:26,874 --> 00:21:28,875
- Boyle, my son.
- Guvnor.
397
00:21:28,876 --> 00:21:33,080
- Let's go, go, go, before
things get pear-shaped. - Sorted.
398
00:21:34,416 --> 00:21:36,483
And, you lot, shut it!
399
00:21:38,153 --> 00:21:43,123
C.I.D., not so much out of
the blue as out of their minds.
400
00:21:43,124 --> 00:21:46,193
Now, to business, and
to Gasforth's big day.
401
00:21:46,194 --> 00:21:49,096
Now, as you can see, her
majesty has seen to it
402
00:21:49,097 --> 00:21:52,599
That we are fully equipped for the
worst-case scenario of riot control.
403
00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:54,801
If you could put your
helmets on, everybody...
404
00:21:54,802 --> 00:21:57,604
I thought you'd never ask.
405
00:21:59,107 --> 00:22:01,108
Hey, Maggie, Maggie, Maggie, shall I?
406
00:22:01,109 --> 00:22:02,843
Quack, quack, quack, shall I do it?
407
00:22:02,844 --> 00:22:04,378
- No. No.
- Maggie: No, not now.
408
00:22:05,947 --> 00:22:10,184
Now the ideal is not to
employ force, but intimidation.
409
00:22:10,185 --> 00:22:13,720
We wish to subdue the hooligan
before he becomes violent.
410
00:22:13,721 --> 00:22:17,291
We can achieve this by setting up
a rhythmic beating on our shields,
411
00:22:17,292 --> 00:22:20,660
- ( taps )
- such as to strike terror into the hearts of the enemy,
412
00:22:20,661 --> 00:22:25,632
As once did the zulus- an adversary
the british army truly appreciated.
413
00:22:25,633 --> 00:22:28,668
I'm not surprised. The
zulus had rhythmic beating,
414
00:22:28,669 --> 00:22:30,437
The british had field artillery.
415
00:22:30,438 --> 00:22:32,806
I bet they appreciated it.
416
00:22:32,807 --> 00:22:36,143
All right, Habib. Just because
something is morally inexcusable
417
00:22:36,144 --> 00:22:39,146
Does not stop it being a cherished
part of the national fabric.
418
00:22:39,147 --> 00:22:41,281
Look at the walnut whip.
419
00:22:43,351 --> 00:22:44,751
Now, the rhythm I had in mind,
420
00:22:44,752 --> 00:22:47,654
Was ra-ta-ta,
ra-ta-ta, ra-ta-tah.
421
00:22:47,655 --> 00:22:49,856
Ra-ta-ta,
ra-ta-ta, ra-ta-tah.
422
00:22:49,857 --> 00:22:51,258
All right, try it.
423
00:22:51,259 --> 00:22:53,527
And ra-ta-ta,
ra-ta-ta, ra-ta-tah.
424
00:22:53,528 --> 00:22:55,862
( rapid tapping )
425
00:22:55,863 --> 00:22:58,565
Goody, Goody. Can't you
keep a simple rhythm?
426
00:22:58,566 --> 00:23:01,101
No, sir, I'm hopeless.
427
00:23:01,102 --> 00:23:03,504
I need a metronome to brush my teeth.
428
00:23:03,505 --> 00:23:06,340
Sir, sir. I think it will help
429
00:23:06,341 --> 00:23:08,242
If we put some words to the rhythm, sir.
430
00:23:08,243 --> 00:23:09,910
How about, um...
431
00:23:09,911 --> 00:23:12,712
Pat-a-cake,
Pat-a-cake, baker's man.
432
00:23:12,713 --> 00:23:14,814
Pat-a-cake,
Pat-a-cake, baker's man.
433
00:23:14,815 --> 00:23:16,550
Both: Pat-a-cake,
Pat-a-cake-
434
00:23:16,551 --> 00:23:19,119
- Good idea. Goody, will that help?
- I think so, sir.
435
00:23:19,120 --> 00:23:21,088
Right, okay. After me.
436
00:23:21,089 --> 00:23:24,491
And, Pat-a-cake,
Pat-a-cake, baker's man.
437
00:23:24,492 --> 00:23:27,227
Good, excellent. All
right, form up. Form up.
438
00:23:27,228 --> 00:23:30,797
Now, prepare to intimidate the
enemy with rhythmic beating.
439
00:23:30,798 --> 00:23:33,500
And, Pat-a-cake,
Pat-a-cake, baker's man.
440
00:23:33,501 --> 00:23:36,336
- Pat-a-cake, Pat-a-cake,
baker's man. - Fowler: Turn!
441
00:23:36,337 --> 00:23:39,940
Pat-a-cake, Pat-a-cake, baker's man.
Pat-a-cake, Pat-a-cake, baker's man.
442
00:23:41,109 --> 00:23:43,410
Halt! Excellent. Well done, everybody.
443
00:23:43,411 --> 00:23:46,280
That should scare the socks off them.
444
00:23:46,281 --> 00:23:48,982
After we've subdued them
with Pat-a-cake, Pat-a-cake,
445
00:23:48,983 --> 00:23:51,651
We can give them a chorus
of baa baa blacksheep.
446
00:23:51,652 --> 00:23:54,688
That will really make
them fill their trousers.
447
00:23:54,689 --> 00:23:56,957
You think we ought to
toughen up our chant?
448
00:23:56,958 --> 00:24:00,394
Either that or hire ourselves
out for children's parties.
449
00:24:00,395 --> 00:24:03,130
How about, bugger off,
bugger off, stupid prat?
450
00:24:03,131 --> 00:24:05,632
- Bugger off, bugger off, stupid prat?
- No!
451
00:24:05,633 --> 00:24:09,536
I will not have my officers employing
gutter language rhythmically in public.
452
00:24:09,537 --> 00:24:14,040
- Sorry. - What about go away,
go away, naughty men?
453
00:24:14,041 --> 00:24:16,510
If the Zulu's had called
Michael Caine a naughty man
454
00:24:16,511 --> 00:24:19,713
He would have laughed so hard he
would have irrigated the veldt.
455
00:24:19,714 --> 00:24:22,483
Maybe we should change
the rhythm a bit, sir.
456
00:24:22,484 --> 00:24:24,818
If you don't move along boom-boom,
457
00:24:24,819 --> 00:24:27,321
I'm gonna stick this baton, boom boom,
458
00:24:27,322 --> 00:24:29,289
Where the sun don't shine, boom boom.
459
00:24:29,290 --> 00:24:31,758
I've got one. I've
got one. I've got one.
460
00:24:31,759 --> 00:24:35,496
What's the difference between you lot,
461
00:24:35,497 --> 00:24:38,665
And a bucket of sick?
462
00:24:38,666 --> 00:24:40,700
( silent )
463
00:24:40,701 --> 00:24:42,402
The bucket.
464
00:24:43,638 --> 00:24:45,639
No, we should be tougher.
465
00:24:45,640 --> 00:24:48,074
Come and have a go if you
think you're hard enough.
466
00:24:48,075 --> 00:24:50,410
Come and have a go if you
think you're hard enough.
467
00:24:50,411 --> 00:24:53,247
( yelling, banging )
468
00:24:55,116 --> 00:24:58,518
( men whistling, yelling )
469
00:25:02,023 --> 00:25:04,424
- You want me to get them off?
- Men: Yeah!
470
00:25:04,425 --> 00:25:05,659
Right!
471
00:25:07,461 --> 00:25:09,296
You're all under arrest.
472
00:25:11,666 --> 00:25:14,835
It's all going pear-shaped, Boyle.
473
00:25:14,836 --> 00:25:16,970
Where are the naughty faces?
474
00:25:16,971 --> 00:25:20,573
The iffy, dodgy, nancy poncies?
475
00:25:20,574 --> 00:25:23,677
How can I face my muckers at scotters,
476
00:25:23,678 --> 00:25:27,647
When I've yet to bang even
one slag in the slammer?
477
00:25:27,648 --> 00:25:30,417
Could I have done more?
478
00:25:30,418 --> 00:25:32,820
Could I have gone deeper undercover?
479
00:25:32,821 --> 00:25:34,621
No way, sir.
480
00:25:34,622 --> 00:25:37,057
You have taken your
bobble hat off all week.
481
00:25:37,058 --> 00:25:39,860
And wool makes my forehead itch.
482
00:25:39,861 --> 00:25:42,963
Man: All right, lads. Tomorrow,
483
00:25:42,964 --> 00:25:45,132
Those Chelsea scum are dust.
484
00:25:45,133 --> 00:25:47,367
But we stick with the plan, all right?
485
00:25:49,003 --> 00:25:52,039
Sorted, my son.
486
00:25:57,011 --> 00:26:00,747
Habib: I'm sorry, madam, there
are no grounds for police action.
487
00:26:00,748 --> 00:26:02,682
Goodbye.
488
00:26:03,784 --> 00:26:05,185
What was that, Habib?
489
00:26:05,186 --> 00:26:08,021
Just a cantankerous complainer
from Colchester Crescent.
490
00:26:08,022 --> 00:26:10,123
Complains about something every day.
491
00:26:10,124 --> 00:26:13,126
Yesterday, it was the
pelican crossing beeping.
492
00:26:13,127 --> 00:26:16,330
I think she wanted me to
arrest the little green man.
493
00:26:16,331 --> 00:26:20,567
Tonight it's a party. Some lads celebrating
Gasforth winning the F.A. Cup already.
494
00:26:20,568 --> 00:26:24,304
Great grumbling
grommets, Habib. A party?
495
00:26:24,305 --> 00:26:26,806
Supposing the mayoress heard the row?
496
00:26:26,807 --> 00:26:29,910
Or an important trade
delegation from southeast asia?
497
00:26:29,911 --> 00:26:31,912
Bring those naughty carousers in.
498
00:26:31,913 --> 00:26:33,847
But, sir, it's only 7:00 in the evening.
499
00:26:33,848 --> 00:26:37,017
It's 2:00 in the
morning in Kuala Lumpur.
500
00:26:37,018 --> 00:26:40,187
Bring them in. Bring
them in and lock them up.
501
00:26:40,188 --> 00:26:42,722
Lock them all up! Lock everyone up!
502
00:26:44,859 --> 00:26:46,860
( sirens blaring )
503
00:26:47,862 --> 00:26:49,396
( tires screech )
504
00:26:49,397 --> 00:26:53,733
( crowd yelling, loud music )
505
00:26:55,169 --> 00:26:57,070
( whistle blows )
506
00:26:57,071 --> 00:26:59,940
I forgot my truncheon.
507
00:26:59,941 --> 00:27:03,877
Gasforth offers cheap labor, long hours,
508
00:27:03,878 --> 00:27:08,282
No unions, no minimum
wage, no job security,
509
00:27:08,283 --> 00:27:10,617
And a maximum 5-minute lunch break.
510
00:27:10,618 --> 00:27:14,721
That's a very attractive
package for any foreign investor.
511
00:27:14,722 --> 00:27:17,590
Yes, yes. But when
does the football begin?
512
00:27:18,927 --> 00:27:21,561
Uh, the kick-off is at 3:00, sir.
513
00:27:21,562 --> 00:27:23,730
That is the tradition in our country.
514
00:27:23,731 --> 00:27:27,100
I know when a bloody football
match starts, constable plod.
515
00:27:27,101 --> 00:27:29,169
But it's 3:20 now.
516
00:27:29,170 --> 00:27:32,872
( crowd singing )
517
00:27:32,873 --> 00:27:36,944
Your worship, I'm afraid we're
going to have to forfeit the game.
518
00:27:36,945 --> 00:27:38,812
What?
519
00:27:38,813 --> 00:27:40,613
None of our players have turned up.
520
00:27:40,614 --> 00:27:42,782
It's incomprehensible.
521
00:27:42,783 --> 00:27:44,784
They were all fine yesterday.
522
00:27:44,785 --> 00:27:46,786
Bazzer, Gazzer, and Bazzer
523
00:27:46,787 --> 00:27:48,455
Were at work on the building site
524
00:27:48,456 --> 00:27:51,458
Next to the bank, as usual.
525
00:27:51,459 --> 00:27:53,961
Bazzer, Bazzer, Gazzer,
and Simon the captain
526
00:27:53,962 --> 00:27:56,529
Were having a strategy
meeting at the pizza hole
527
00:27:56,530 --> 00:28:00,700
And Gazzer, Gazzer, and Gazzer
were having a bit of a party
528
00:28:00,701 --> 00:28:02,936
And a sing-song round at Bazzer's house
529
00:28:02,937 --> 00:28:06,773
In Colchester Crescent. I simply cannot
imagine what has happening to them.
530
00:28:06,774 --> 00:28:08,976
- Now listen- - no
football? I'm going.
531
00:28:08,977 --> 00:28:11,244
No, no, please. Please, wait.
532
00:28:11,245 --> 00:28:13,180
We'll have a dual carriageway
533
00:28:13,181 --> 00:28:15,815
That runs all the way to
the Sainsbury superstore.
534
00:28:15,816 --> 00:28:17,684
( giggles )
535
00:28:17,685 --> 00:28:21,154
When I find out who's responsible
for the team not turning up-
536
00:28:21,155 --> 00:28:23,457
Raymond, I
want you to-
537
00:28:24,592 --> 00:28:27,294
Mayoress: Raymond!
538
00:28:27,295 --> 00:28:29,596
Raymond!
539
00:28:31,332 --> 00:28:34,067
( theme music playing )
42540
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