Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,000
www.tvsubtitles.net
2
00:00:00,826 --> 00:00:02,660
Hmm.
3
00:00:02,661 --> 00:00:04,996
Good evening, everybody.
4
00:00:04,997 --> 00:00:08,866
Sometimes one does
despair of today's youth.
5
00:00:08,867 --> 00:00:12,170
To them concepts such as honor,
6
00:00:12,171 --> 00:00:15,273
Duty and self-restraint
7
00:00:15,274 --> 00:00:18,042
Are as foreign as a frenchman
8
00:00:18,043 --> 00:00:21,412
And no more acceptable.
9
00:00:21,413 --> 00:00:23,814
On the other hand, of
course, it is important
10
00:00:23,815 --> 00:00:26,250
Not to judge people too harshly.
11
00:00:26,251 --> 00:00:27,751
We were all young once,
12
00:00:27,752 --> 00:00:32,423
And although we may
not have attended raves,
13
00:00:32,424 --> 00:00:35,759
I seem to remember that
Saturday morning at the pictures
14
00:00:35,760 --> 00:00:39,197
Could get pretty wild.
15
00:00:39,198 --> 00:00:41,699
Let he who has never
chucked a gobstopper
16
00:00:41,700 --> 00:00:44,835
At John Wayne during the kissy bit
17
00:00:44,836 --> 00:00:48,039
Cast the first stone.
18
00:00:48,040 --> 00:00:50,841
For young people, as we shall see,
19
00:00:50,842 --> 00:00:54,112
Are like the last banana
in the fruit bowl-
20
00:00:55,314 --> 00:00:58,983
Not all bad.
21
00:01:09,495 --> 00:01:12,963
I tell you what, I'll be glad when
they've fixed our showers and toilet.
22
00:01:12,964 --> 00:01:14,765
I hate sharing the blokes'.
23
00:01:14,766 --> 00:01:16,567
There's a pair of jocks in that locker
24
00:01:16,568 --> 00:01:18,969
That's developing its own ecosystem.
25
00:01:18,970 --> 00:01:21,605
It's not what you need when
you're feeling delicate.
26
00:01:21,606 --> 00:01:23,807
Had a little drinky last night, did we?
27
00:01:23,808 --> 00:01:26,444
Just a bit. My tongue's
got so much fur on it,
28
00:01:26,445 --> 00:01:29,147
I may need a license
to keep it domestically.
29
00:01:31,383 --> 00:01:34,685
Drinking like that's terribly
bad for you, you know, Maggie.
30
00:01:34,686 --> 00:01:36,820
Really, Pat? And there was me thinking
31
00:01:36,821 --> 00:01:38,789
That having a brain
like a pickled walnut
32
00:01:38,790 --> 00:01:40,191
And a mouth like a rat's bum
33
00:01:40,192 --> 00:01:41,825
Was a bit of a health cure.
34
00:01:42,827 --> 00:01:44,795
Instead of poisoning your body,
35
00:01:44,796 --> 00:01:46,931
You should be concentrating
on rejuvenating
36
00:01:46,932 --> 00:01:49,067
Your physical and sensual sides.
37
00:01:49,068 --> 00:01:50,768
The way I feel this morning,
38
00:01:50,769 --> 00:01:52,670
You couldn't rejuvenate my sensual side
39
00:01:52,671 --> 00:01:55,106
If you chucked me into a
bath full of chippendales
40
00:01:55,107 --> 00:01:57,375
And asked me to find the soap.
41
00:01:59,010 --> 00:02:00,844
Blimey!
42
00:02:00,845 --> 00:02:04,615
Sharing the gents with a load
of women. It's a disgrace.
43
00:02:04,616 --> 00:02:08,586
The place'll stink like the
perfume counter at boots.
44
00:02:08,587 --> 00:02:10,788
They'll be in there
45
00:02:10,789 --> 00:02:13,857
Dibby-dabby,
lippy-lappy,
46
00:02:13,858 --> 00:02:17,428
Powder-poofing,
bonnet-boofing,
47
00:02:17,429 --> 00:02:19,363
Squirty-squirty,
48
00:02:19,364 --> 00:02:23,033
"only be a minute, I've just
got to re-grout my crow's feet."
49
00:02:24,503 --> 00:02:27,405
I get all this at home, you know.
50
00:02:27,406 --> 00:02:30,508
I'm talking about
alternative healing, Maggie.
51
00:02:30,509 --> 00:02:32,643
I've just joined a well-woman group.
52
00:02:32,644 --> 00:02:35,079
You can do rebirthing,
53
00:02:35,080 --> 00:02:37,515
Reflexology, shiatsu massage.
54
00:02:37,516 --> 00:02:39,317
You have to let it all out.
55
00:02:39,318 --> 00:02:42,587
Please, Pat. I'm having enough
trouble keeping it all down.
56
00:02:42,588 --> 00:02:45,055
And if you haven't got time for shiatsu,
57
00:02:45,056 --> 00:02:46,991
Just have an enema.
58
00:02:46,992 --> 00:02:49,227
You can do it at home in five minutes
59
00:02:49,228 --> 00:02:51,496
With an ordinary garden hose.
60
00:02:53,732 --> 00:02:56,567
Tweezering and plucking,
61
00:02:56,568 --> 00:02:59,470
And using my bic on her legs,
62
00:02:59,471 --> 00:03:03,307
And slapping the glandular
oils of some dead whale around
63
00:03:03,308 --> 00:03:05,309
Like it didn't cost 15 quid a jar
64
00:03:05,310 --> 00:03:07,945
Which I have to bleedin' earn.
65
00:03:07,946 --> 00:03:09,713
Well, I'm off the booze now, anyway.
66
00:03:09,714 --> 00:03:12,750
- My little sister's coming to stay.
- Oh, that's nice.
67
00:03:12,751 --> 00:03:15,286
No it's not. She's completely boring.
68
00:03:15,287 --> 00:03:17,155
Goody-flippin'-
two-shoes.
69
00:03:17,156 --> 00:03:19,890
If she sees me with so
much as a half of cidrax,
70
00:03:19,891 --> 00:03:22,893
She'll tell my mom, who'll
immediately ring up in floods
71
00:03:22,894 --> 00:03:25,396
And read the entire Koran
onto my answer phone.
72
00:03:25,397 --> 00:03:29,534
Perhaps your sister would like to
come along to my rebirthing group?
73
00:03:29,535 --> 00:03:32,970
You recreate the moment you
emerged from your mother's womb.
74
00:03:32,971 --> 00:03:35,406
Oh, I'll see if I can persuade her.
75
00:03:35,407 --> 00:03:39,076
Maybe she'll come out a bit more
interesting second time around.
76
00:03:39,077 --> 00:03:41,612
I shout, "come on, Tina!"
77
00:03:41,613 --> 00:03:44,215
She says, "I'm just
gonna have five minutes
78
00:03:44,216 --> 00:03:46,083
On the bum wobbling machine."
79
00:03:46,084 --> 00:03:48,653
Then she leaves the
top off the toothpaste.
80
00:03:48,654 --> 00:03:51,021
Blimey, Fowler, I
thought at least at work
81
00:03:51,022 --> 00:03:53,757
We could keep the birds out of the bog.
82
00:03:53,758 --> 00:03:57,261
Sharing lockers is brilliant.
83
00:03:58,763 --> 00:04:01,265
I cannot believe I'm
actually going to be changing
84
00:04:01,266 --> 00:04:03,334
In the same room as constable Habib.
85
00:04:03,335 --> 00:04:05,403
But not at the same time.
86
00:04:05,404 --> 00:04:09,473
True, but it's a step in the
right direction, isn't it?
87
00:04:09,474 --> 00:04:12,376
Right, that's it, you
lot. Come on, time's up.
88
00:04:12,377 --> 00:04:14,478
Get out of it!
89
00:04:16,281 --> 00:04:19,584
- Good morning, inspector Grim.
- Oh, it's still morning, is it?
90
00:04:19,585 --> 00:04:21,285
Blimey, I thought it was later.
91
00:04:21,286 --> 00:04:24,722
Evening at least, or
else sometime next year.
92
00:04:24,723 --> 00:04:26,657
Doesn't time fly
93
00:04:26,658 --> 00:04:28,892
When you're hanging
around outside the bog
94
00:04:28,893 --> 00:04:33,731
Waiting for a bunch of
women to stop fannying about?
95
00:04:33,732 --> 00:04:36,701
You do get yourself worked
up, don't you, inspector?
96
00:04:36,702 --> 00:04:39,770
You really should try
and diffuse your tension.
97
00:04:39,771 --> 00:04:42,039
Have you thought about
irrigating your colon?
98
00:04:44,809 --> 00:04:47,811
Not really. I don't
do a lot of gardening.
99
00:04:47,812 --> 00:04:49,880
Inspector Grim,
100
00:04:49,881 --> 00:04:52,983
It is 8:51 and 42 seconds.
101
00:04:52,984 --> 00:04:55,620
With respect, if you consult your rota,
102
00:04:55,621 --> 00:04:58,889
I think you'll find that
male time begins at 8:52.
103
00:04:58,890 --> 00:05:01,726
I told you, Fowler.
Women, all the same-
104
00:05:01,727 --> 00:05:05,363
Totally toiletarially territorial.
105
00:05:05,364 --> 00:05:07,632
- Now look, Derek-
- Inspector Grim,
106
00:05:07,633 --> 00:05:10,301
We don't like this situation
any more than you do,
107
00:05:10,302 --> 00:05:12,836
- And with better reason.
- What better reason?
108
00:05:12,837 --> 00:05:15,339
- Lots of better reasons.
- Name a better reason.
109
00:05:15,340 --> 00:05:18,041
We've been properly
toilet-trained for a start.
110
00:05:18,042 --> 00:05:19,610
Yeah, you lot seem to think
111
00:05:19,611 --> 00:05:22,012
You're supposed to stand
on the bog and aim outwards.
112
00:05:23,114 --> 00:05:25,048
Drips!
113
00:05:25,049 --> 00:05:28,653
Women are obsessed with drips!
114
00:05:28,654 --> 00:05:32,222
I say, "Tina, wear a pair of slippers."
115
00:05:33,692 --> 00:05:35,693
Please, really.
116
00:05:35,694 --> 00:05:37,828
Really, now. Please, please.
117
00:05:37,829 --> 00:05:40,398
Now, now... Now, please.
118
00:05:41,500 --> 00:05:43,768
Really.
119
00:05:43,769 --> 00:05:46,937
The situation is as it is, and we
must simply make the best of it.
120
00:05:46,938 --> 00:05:49,840
I've scheduled a meeting
with the regional auditor,
121
00:05:49,841 --> 00:05:51,909
But he is notoriously tighter
122
00:05:51,910 --> 00:05:54,912
Than an Italian tenor's trouser buttons,
123
00:05:54,913 --> 00:05:58,416
So I hold out little hope for
extra funds this financial year.
124
00:05:58,417 --> 00:06:01,452
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm
late for my morning movement.
125
00:06:11,096 --> 00:06:12,930
Look what I've got, Frank.
126
00:06:12,931 --> 00:06:17,067
Some of that new male
Calvin Klein perfume.
127
00:06:17,068 --> 00:06:20,370
Dead cool, dead street.
128
00:06:20,371 --> 00:06:23,373
Really gets the babes horny.
129
00:06:23,374 --> 00:06:26,643
You know, I reckon when constable
Habib gets a whiff of this,
130
00:06:26,644 --> 00:06:29,313
She'll say, "whey-hey!
Climb aboard, big boy!"
131
00:06:29,314 --> 00:06:31,315
And fall at my feet.
132
00:06:31,316 --> 00:06:33,083
Kevin-
133
00:06:33,084 --> 00:06:35,286
Kevin, it'll take more
than a whiff of perfume
134
00:06:35,287 --> 00:06:37,788
To make Maggie Habib fall at your feet.
135
00:06:37,789 --> 00:06:40,657
Maybe you should try chloroform, eh?
136
00:06:40,658 --> 00:06:44,962
It's supposed to be evocative
of a man's testicles.
137
00:06:46,431 --> 00:06:48,432
No, I don't mean that.
138
00:06:48,433 --> 00:06:50,734
What is it that blokes
have that makes them sexy?
139
00:06:50,735 --> 00:06:52,569
Mmm... Sunglasses?
140
00:06:52,570 --> 00:06:56,707
No, it's close to testicles,
only a little bit longer.
141
00:06:58,376 --> 00:07:02,179
Testosterone, Kevin. Look
at it wrapped in a towel.
142
00:07:02,180 --> 00:07:05,983
Give us a splash. I've got
lager seeping out my pores.
143
00:07:05,984 --> 00:07:09,053
In the boozer till 2:00.
16 cans of special brew
144
00:07:09,054 --> 00:07:10,587
And nothing to eat but peanuts.
145
00:07:10,588 --> 00:07:12,122
I could've pebbledashed the pub.
146
00:07:12,123 --> 00:07:14,291
2:00?
147
00:07:14,292 --> 00:07:16,460
That's way past closing time.
148
00:07:16,461 --> 00:07:19,396
Closing time's for plebs, not us.
149
00:07:19,397 --> 00:07:22,333
The lock-in is a
traditional copper's perk.
150
00:07:22,334 --> 00:07:25,002
Like sticking your siren on
when you're late for dinner.
151
00:07:25,003 --> 00:07:27,104
There's a big illegal
late-night drink Friday.
152
00:07:27,105 --> 00:07:29,173
Lots of the boys're coming
out. You come out too.
153
00:07:29,174 --> 00:07:30,908
Yes, I don't know about that, Gary.
154
00:07:30,909 --> 00:07:33,878
As a policeman I just don't feel
comfortable breaking the law.
155
00:07:33,879 --> 00:07:36,713
- I know that sounds
stupid- - Look, mate...
156
00:07:36,714 --> 00:07:39,283
Coppers stick together.
157
00:07:39,284 --> 00:07:42,152
And if we have to bend the
rules, then we do it together.
158
00:07:42,153 --> 00:07:44,054
That's the police culture.
159
00:07:44,055 --> 00:07:45,822
And you'll do a lot better on the force
160
00:07:45,823 --> 00:07:48,525
If you admit you're one
of us from the start.
161
00:07:48,526 --> 00:07:51,695
- So you come out, all right?
- I'm out on Friday.
162
00:07:51,696 --> 00:07:53,797
Yeah.
163
00:07:57,502 --> 00:07:59,569
Um... Patricia?
164
00:07:59,570 --> 00:08:02,506
Regarding the current
dysfunctional nature
165
00:08:02,507 --> 00:08:05,742
Of the non-male persons' locker room...
166
00:08:05,743 --> 00:08:08,178
The ladies loos, yes?
167
00:08:10,382 --> 00:08:13,483
Well... ( clears throat )
168
00:08:13,484 --> 00:08:16,220
I wonder if you could
inform your compatriots
169
00:08:16,221 --> 00:08:18,255
Of the female variety
170
00:08:18,256 --> 00:08:22,826
That I am, of course,
arranging for the ladies'...
171
00:08:22,827 --> 00:08:25,162
You know, the ladies', um...
172
00:08:25,163 --> 00:08:28,799
Machine...
173
00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:30,167
To be moved.
174
00:08:30,168 --> 00:08:31,802
The what?
175
00:08:33,504 --> 00:08:35,372
The ladies' machine.
176
00:08:35,373 --> 00:08:39,810
You know, the mechanized purveyor of...
177
00:08:39,811 --> 00:08:43,380
Purificatory dressings.
178
00:08:48,019 --> 00:08:51,855
Swabs...
179
00:08:51,856 --> 00:08:55,259
Sanitationary compresses...
180
00:08:55,260 --> 00:08:59,096
Applications-
internal and external-
181
00:09:00,365 --> 00:09:02,933
Ladies', for the use of,
182
00:09:02,934 --> 00:09:05,102
As and when required,
183
00:09:05,103 --> 00:09:07,271
Traditionally... ( clears throat )
184
00:09:07,272 --> 00:09:09,773
On a monthly basis.
185
00:09:09,774 --> 00:09:13,377
- Raymond, there's nothing embarrassing
about tam- - no, no, no, no.
186
00:09:13,378 --> 00:09:17,047
No, what an idea.
Blimey. Embarrassed? Ha!
187
00:09:18,616 --> 00:09:21,218
I talk about them all the time.
188
00:09:21,219 --> 00:09:22,752
Rarely not talking about them.
189
00:09:22,753 --> 00:09:25,555
Get quite boring on the
subject, as a matter of fact.
190
00:09:25,556 --> 00:09:28,025
Oh, no. Anyway...
191
00:09:28,026 --> 00:09:30,260
The, um-
well, the, um...
192
00:09:30,261 --> 00:09:33,397
Thingy machine will be relocated
193
00:09:33,398 --> 00:09:35,399
In the male locker room
194
00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:38,469
In a suitably discreet darkened corner.
195
00:09:38,470 --> 00:09:41,038
Unless of course, you'd
rather we put it in the cellar?
196
00:09:41,039 --> 00:09:42,639
You know, to save embarrassment.
197
00:09:42,640 --> 00:09:46,776
- No, the locker room will be fine.
- Oh, good, good.
198
00:09:46,777 --> 00:09:50,280
So in the broom cupboard behind
the cistern it goes, then.
199
00:10:00,858 --> 00:10:05,128
The vile scourge of drugs
has arrived in Gasforth.
200
00:10:05,129 --> 00:10:07,631
Some people won't admit it,
201
00:10:07,632 --> 00:10:11,335
But I for one am not gonna
bury my head in an ostrich.
202
00:10:13,805 --> 00:10:17,808
Kids are already taking "e"
203
00:10:17,809 --> 00:10:20,177
Openly, in clubs.
204
00:10:20,178 --> 00:10:22,746
And that is only the
thin end of the bush.
205
00:10:24,483 --> 00:10:27,818
Today, it's "e."
206
00:10:27,819 --> 00:10:30,888
Next week it might be "f..."
207
00:10:33,725 --> 00:10:36,059
Possibly even "g."
208
00:10:37,496 --> 00:10:41,632
Tomorrow night there is gonna
be a rave at the Old Gasworks.
209
00:10:41,633 --> 00:10:43,266
C.I.D. officers,
210
00:10:43,267 --> 00:10:48,739
Led by detective
inspector Derek Grim-
211
00:10:48,740 --> 00:10:51,341
In the person of myself,
212
00:10:51,342 --> 00:10:53,677
For that
is me-
213
00:10:53,678 --> 00:10:58,215
Will be in attendance, and
also it is where we will be.
214
00:10:58,216 --> 00:11:00,350
That is all.
215
00:11:01,386 --> 00:11:04,955
Drugs. Drugs.
216
00:11:04,956 --> 00:11:07,190
What is wrong with young people today,
217
00:11:07,191 --> 00:11:09,960
With their uppers, downers,
218
00:11:09,961 --> 00:11:11,996
Poppers, toppers,
219
00:11:11,997 --> 00:11:16,199
Speed, whizz, crack, junk,
220
00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:18,802
Smack, splosh, zing,
221
00:11:18,803 --> 00:11:22,706
Bonk, barf, oink, wham-bam?
222
00:11:22,707 --> 00:11:25,676
Can't they amuse themselves
without chemical stimulation?
223
00:11:25,677 --> 00:11:29,013
Haven't they heard of monopoly?
224
00:11:30,314 --> 00:11:32,215
I suppose they're
just not as boring-
225
00:11:32,216 --> 00:11:34,952
I mean, as sensible as you were, sir.
226
00:11:34,953 --> 00:11:38,221
- They're looking for something more exciting.
- Exciting?
227
00:11:38,222 --> 00:11:42,860
Have you ever had hotels
on Mayfair and Park Lane?
228
00:11:42,861 --> 00:11:45,062
You can make a fortune.
229
00:11:45,063 --> 00:11:47,064
Great plates of wobbly custard,
230
00:11:47,065 --> 00:11:49,833
Why this need for sensory stimulants?
231
00:11:49,834 --> 00:11:51,301
When I was an adolescent,
232
00:11:51,302 --> 00:11:53,704
My idea of a major sensory stimulant
233
00:11:53,705 --> 00:11:55,739
Was sucking on a fisherman's friend.
234
00:11:55,740 --> 00:11:57,274
( snorts, laughs )
235
00:11:59,177 --> 00:12:01,979
Have I said something
amusing, constable Goody?
236
00:12:04,082 --> 00:12:07,051
Oh, yes, sir, definitely.
237
00:12:07,052 --> 00:12:10,921
Really? Then perhaps you'd
like to explain the joke to me.
238
00:12:10,922 --> 00:12:12,957
Yes, I will.
239
00:12:12,958 --> 00:12:14,224
Well, sir, you said
240
00:12:14,225 --> 00:12:15,459
That you were stimulated
241
00:12:15,460 --> 00:12:17,461
By sucking on a fisherman's friend.
242
00:12:19,864 --> 00:12:22,466
And I think that's very funny.
243
00:12:22,467 --> 00:12:25,869
I see. And why do you find
it funny, constable Goody?
244
00:12:25,870 --> 00:12:30,107
They're horrible, aren't
they? Everyone knows that.
245
00:12:34,079 --> 00:12:37,848
I'm gonna clean up this town, Boyle.
246
00:12:37,849 --> 00:12:41,318
Drugs are the effluence of society,
247
00:12:41,319 --> 00:12:44,254
And I'm the toilet duck.
248
00:12:46,858 --> 00:12:49,093
I'll show these bloody kids
249
00:12:49,094 --> 00:12:52,262
When Grim of Gasforth puts
his backside on the line,
250
00:12:52,263 --> 00:12:55,432
They can't just stick two fingers up.
251
00:12:55,433 --> 00:12:59,637
- Yeah.
- What's wrong with being bored, anyway?
252
00:12:59,638 --> 00:13:02,873
The rest of us have to sit
at home in front of the telly,
253
00:13:02,874 --> 00:13:05,876
- Why shouldn't they?
- I'll tell you what, sir,
254
00:13:05,877 --> 00:13:07,645
Me and some of the lads have organized
255
00:13:07,646 --> 00:13:09,446
A lock-in after tomorrow night's raid.
256
00:13:09,447 --> 00:13:11,248
Why don't you get in on it?
257
00:13:11,249 --> 00:13:14,118
I don't know, Boyle. I don't
normally do that sort of thing.
258
00:13:14,119 --> 00:13:16,520
Oh come on, sir.
259
00:13:16,521 --> 00:13:18,555
You spend all evening
chasing drug addicts
260
00:13:18,556 --> 00:13:21,158
And you can't even have a
little drinky at the end of it?
261
00:13:21,159 --> 00:13:23,994
That can't be right, now can it, eh?
262
00:13:38,376 --> 00:13:40,144
Kevin!
263
00:13:40,145 --> 00:13:41,311
What are you doing?
264
00:13:41,312 --> 00:13:43,981
Just giving you a whiff
of my "testostricles."
265
00:13:45,984 --> 00:13:48,185
I shall speak to your mother.
266
00:13:48,186 --> 00:13:51,055
Oh, Maggie, Maggie,
Maggie, Maggie-
267
00:13:52,924 --> 00:13:55,258
Can I talk to you about something?
268
00:13:55,259 --> 00:13:57,828
It's just that I've got
a sort of moral dilemma.
269
00:13:57,829 --> 00:14:00,197
You see, Gary Boyle
has been going on at me
270
00:14:00,198 --> 00:14:02,632
About coming out.
271
00:14:02,633 --> 00:14:05,535
- He wants you to come out?
- Yes.
272
00:14:05,536 --> 00:14:09,106
He wants me to come out and
admit that I'm one of them.
273
00:14:09,107 --> 00:14:11,842
What's it got to do with
him? Tell him to bug off.
274
00:14:11,843 --> 00:14:13,476
No, no, no, you see in so many ways,
275
00:14:13,477 --> 00:14:15,846
I feel that I'd actually
quite like to, you know?
276
00:14:15,847 --> 00:14:19,049
But it isn't easy, what with
being a policeman and everything.
277
00:14:19,050 --> 00:14:20,718
Oh, I see.
278
00:14:20,719 --> 00:14:22,986
Well, whatever you decide to do, Kevin,
279
00:14:22,987 --> 00:14:25,555
I want you to know I think
you're being really brave,
280
00:14:25,556 --> 00:14:28,291
And I really admire you.
281
00:14:34,966 --> 00:14:37,768
This perfume is sex dynamite.
282
00:14:39,070 --> 00:14:41,338
I'm gonna dunk my trousers in it.
283
00:14:43,474 --> 00:14:46,610
- Do you want a splash?
- Listen, son,
284
00:14:46,611 --> 00:14:49,512
A woman likes to smell a man
285
00:14:49,513 --> 00:14:51,749
As nature
intended-
286
00:14:51,750 --> 00:14:55,819
Sweat, guinness and pickled onions.
287
00:14:55,820 --> 00:14:58,188
You can't bottle that.
288
00:15:02,961 --> 00:15:05,295
I'm off for my rebirthing.
289
00:15:05,296 --> 00:15:06,997
Ah, yes, rebirthing.
290
00:15:06,998 --> 00:15:10,000
Just remember to pick me up at 10:00.
291
00:15:10,001 --> 00:15:11,735
Patricia, I'm hardly likely
292
00:15:11,736 --> 00:15:13,871
To leave a newborn
baby to fend for itself
293
00:15:13,872 --> 00:15:15,973
In the sports center car park, now am I?
294
00:15:15,974 --> 00:15:17,674
Mmm.
295
00:15:17,675 --> 00:15:20,010
There's one reborn every minute.
296
00:15:20,011 --> 00:15:22,512
You don't think much of
sergeant Dawkins' interest
297
00:15:22,513 --> 00:15:24,414
In alternative inner
healing, do you, sir?
298
00:15:24,415 --> 00:15:28,285
Why is everybody searching
for this something inside them?
299
00:15:28,286 --> 00:15:30,553
Patricia and her quest
for the inner woman,
300
00:15:30,554 --> 00:15:32,355
Children and their drugs.
301
00:15:32,356 --> 00:15:34,992
It's an alternative culture now, sir.
302
00:15:34,993 --> 00:15:38,028
People are asking questions,
they want to know who they are.
303
00:15:38,029 --> 00:15:40,530
Then they should damn well
look at their passports.
304
00:15:41,732 --> 00:15:44,201
Alternative culture, heh.
305
00:15:44,202 --> 00:15:47,204
I remember when our idea
of alternative culture
306
00:15:47,205 --> 00:15:50,707
Was turning over to ITV.
307
00:15:50,708 --> 00:15:53,143
People have too much choice these days.
308
00:15:53,144 --> 00:15:57,948
Did you know that you can
get an almond mars bar?
309
00:15:59,117 --> 00:16:02,485
An almond mars bar?
310
00:16:02,486 --> 00:16:05,488
Mars bars got by for over 50
years without almonds in them.
311
00:16:05,489 --> 00:16:07,657
Yes, sir.
312
00:16:07,658 --> 00:16:10,160
They've put caramel in the wispas.
313
00:16:10,161 --> 00:16:13,230
We live in a debauched, hedonistic age.
314
00:16:13,231 --> 00:16:15,332
Young people are addicted to pleasure.
315
00:16:15,333 --> 00:16:17,067
Not all young people, sir.
316
00:16:17,068 --> 00:16:19,636
My little sister's addicted
to organized religion,
317
00:16:19,637 --> 00:16:22,439
- Exams, and net ball.
- Mmm.
318
00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:24,875
She sounds like a very fine young woman.
319
00:16:24,876 --> 00:16:27,544
Proof that not all young
people are decadent wastrels.
320
00:16:27,545 --> 00:16:31,081
Ah, Maggie- a young lady for
you. Says she's your sister.
321
00:16:31,082 --> 00:16:34,084
- Hello, Maggie.
- Hello, Nazia.
322
00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:37,254
This is my little sister Nazia, sir.
323
00:16:37,255 --> 00:16:39,656
Ah, splendid, splendid.
324
00:16:39,657 --> 00:16:42,926
Welcome to Gasforth, Nazia.
I'm sure you'll love it.
325
00:16:42,927 --> 00:16:46,396
We have a museum, a small library
326
00:16:46,397 --> 00:16:50,334
And a fascinating 18th
century stone horse trough.
327
00:16:50,335 --> 00:16:53,370
Stuff that. Soon as I got my
glad rags on, I'm out raving.
328
00:16:53,371 --> 00:16:55,339
Better change if you want to come, Mags.
329
00:16:55,340 --> 00:16:57,707
You look like a right
tosspot in that pig's costume.
330
00:17:01,279 --> 00:17:03,780
Habib: Make yourself
at home, why don't you?
331
00:17:03,781 --> 00:17:07,650
- All right if I smoke? - You haven't
started smoking cigarettes, have you?
332
00:17:07,651 --> 00:17:09,753
- Just grass.
- Nazia!
333
00:17:09,754 --> 00:17:11,788
Go on, flush that down
the toilet right now.
334
00:17:11,789 --> 00:17:15,058
- You realize, it's actually my duty to arrest you?
- Go on then.
335
00:17:15,059 --> 00:17:18,561
- Or at least tell mom.
- You wouldn't.
336
00:17:18,562 --> 00:17:20,730
( humming ) Oh!
337
00:17:20,731 --> 00:17:23,833
One minute late. Very sorry, Maggie.
338
00:17:23,834 --> 00:17:26,003
That's all right, Kevin.
339
00:17:26,004 --> 00:17:28,538
- Kevin- -
yes, yes, yes.
340
00:17:28,539 --> 00:17:30,407
- I don't want to pry...
- Yes.
341
00:17:30,408 --> 00:17:34,011
...But I was wondering whether you
thought more about your coming out.
342
00:17:34,012 --> 00:17:36,613
Well, yes I have... Lots.
343
00:17:36,614 --> 00:17:38,548
But it's very confusing, you know.
344
00:17:38,549 --> 00:17:41,385
Sometimes I swing one
way, sometimes the other.
345
00:17:41,386 --> 00:17:45,923
- Oh I see... Bi.
- Bye.
346
00:17:48,092 --> 00:17:50,327
Morning, doll. Sorry
to keep you waiting.
347
00:17:50,328 --> 00:17:52,629
I was up all night at a
lock-in. Had to shower off.
348
00:17:52,630 --> 00:17:54,898
Lovely, very
refreshing. Hey-
349
00:17:54,899 --> 00:17:57,167
I found some lovely
scented soap in there.
350
00:17:57,168 --> 00:18:00,037
Peach shampoo and sea-fresh deodorant.
351
00:18:00,038 --> 00:18:02,539
I like having birds in our bogs.
352
00:18:02,540 --> 00:18:04,674
Oh, I could shag myself.
353
00:18:09,347 --> 00:18:12,515
Don't forget I've got my
reflexology this evening, Raymond.
354
00:18:12,516 --> 00:18:16,119
Ah, yes... Reflexology.
Which one's that again?
355
00:18:16,120 --> 00:18:20,457
It's a terrific shortcut
to all-body well-being.
356
00:18:20,458 --> 00:18:23,260
Every part of you is represented
on the sole of the foot.
357
00:18:23,261 --> 00:18:26,096
So any pain or uptightness
358
00:18:26,097 --> 00:18:29,399
Can be alleviated by
firmly massaging the foot.
359
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:33,971
So here is the liver, and
the colon, and the buttocks-
360
00:18:33,972 --> 00:18:37,975
And, uh... Where is the
foot represented on the foot?
361
00:18:41,446 --> 00:18:42,980
Um...
362
00:18:42,981 --> 00:18:46,583
- Well, I- - supposing
I had a really sore foot?
363
00:18:48,987 --> 00:18:51,989
How would you soothe my foot?
364
00:18:51,990 --> 00:18:56,159
By grabbing my foot and sticking
your thumbs into my foot?
365
00:18:57,328 --> 00:19:00,797
Raymond, do I ask you
to logically justify
366
00:19:00,798 --> 00:19:02,332
Your covering the kitchen table
367
00:19:02,333 --> 00:19:04,534
With a balsa wood model
of a lancaster bomber?
368
00:19:04,535 --> 00:19:06,636
No, but I'll be quite happy to.
369
00:19:07,838 --> 00:19:09,839
Constable
Boyle-
370
00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:12,442
For the final time, if
you're going to use my soap,
371
00:19:12,443 --> 00:19:16,880
Could you please remove your hairs
from it once you've finished?!
372
00:19:16,881 --> 00:19:18,882
You're mrs. Squeamish.
373
00:19:18,883 --> 00:19:22,085
It's just benign,
non-volatile dead cell matter.
374
00:19:22,086 --> 00:19:24,821
It is benign, non-volatile
dead cell matter
375
00:19:24,822 --> 00:19:26,890
That grew out of your scrotum!
376
00:19:28,826 --> 00:19:30,593
And I hate it. How do you do it?
377
00:19:30,594 --> 00:19:32,829
I could've stuffed a mattress by now.
378
00:19:32,830 --> 00:19:35,598
Each day I gouge a small
toupee off the soap,
379
00:19:35,599 --> 00:19:37,300
And the next day it's back,
380
00:19:37,301 --> 00:19:40,370
Looking like a member
of the grateful dead.
381
00:19:40,371 --> 00:19:43,673
Inspector Fowler- I would
like to lodge a formal protest
382
00:19:43,674 --> 00:19:45,775
Against having to share a locker room
383
00:19:45,776 --> 00:19:48,011
With the gruesome fallout
from constable Boyle's
384
00:19:48,012 --> 00:19:50,647
Rapidly balding bodily parts.
385
00:19:52,616 --> 00:19:56,619
We assemble at 011:30 hundred hours
386
00:19:56,620 --> 00:19:59,322
P.M. in the evening.
387
00:19:59,323 --> 00:20:01,691
That is all. Let's go, go, go.
388
00:20:03,261 --> 00:20:04,928
Big raid this, quite exciting.
389
00:20:04,929 --> 00:20:07,697
Hope we get some dealers,
not just silly kids.
390
00:20:09,367 --> 00:20:12,202
Do you fancy a bit of chewing
gum to calm your nerves?
391
00:20:13,704 --> 00:20:16,940
It's a new brand-
fresh n' easy.
392
00:20:16,941 --> 00:20:19,142
Got it out of the machine
in the locker room.
393
00:20:19,143 --> 00:20:21,144
Sounds great.
394
00:20:26,684 --> 00:20:30,187
Gives you a great fresh feel all day...
395
00:20:31,755 --> 00:20:34,524
Helps you get on with life
396
00:20:34,525 --> 00:20:36,526
And no leaking.
397
00:20:40,098 --> 00:20:42,065
Which is great, isn't it?
398
00:20:42,066 --> 00:20:45,602
Because I often dribble
a bit if I try and chew
399
00:20:45,603 --> 00:20:47,737
And watch television at the same time.
400
00:20:47,738 --> 00:20:49,672
Oh, yes.
401
00:20:54,078 --> 00:20:56,546
Great satan's sponge-bag,
you imbecile boy!
402
00:20:56,547 --> 00:21:00,117
- Watch where you're going.
- I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
403
00:21:00,118 --> 00:21:02,252
Sir, with respect,
404
00:21:02,253 --> 00:21:05,155
I think you should be a bit
more understanding with Kevin.
405
00:21:05,156 --> 00:21:07,157
He's a bit distracted, you see.
406
00:21:07,158 --> 00:21:09,892
The thing is he's told
me that he's coming out.
407
00:21:12,663 --> 00:21:14,664
Coming out?
408
00:21:14,665 --> 00:21:16,666
Do you mean coming out
409
00:21:16,667 --> 00:21:20,170
As a "Guardian" reader
would understand the term?
410
00:21:20,171 --> 00:21:22,539
Absolutely, sir.
411
00:21:22,540 --> 00:21:24,040
Oh, I see.
412
00:21:24,041 --> 00:21:27,010
I must go out of my way
to put him at his ease.
413
00:21:28,179 --> 00:21:31,214
( clears throat ) Now then, Goody...
414
00:21:31,215 --> 00:21:34,317
Um... I've asked you to come and see me
415
00:21:34,318 --> 00:21:38,421
On a matter about which
I feel no embarrassment...
416
00:21:38,422 --> 00:21:40,957
( clears throat )
417
00:21:40,958 --> 00:21:43,860
No embarrassment, whatsoever.
418
00:21:45,196 --> 00:21:48,031
Constable Habib has informed me
419
00:21:48,032 --> 00:21:50,033
That you're
worried about-
420
00:21:50,034 --> 00:21:51,935
About, um...
421
00:21:51,936 --> 00:21:53,603
Coming out.
422
00:21:53,604 --> 00:21:56,739
Well...
423
00:21:57,942 --> 00:22:00,643
I suppose it has been
on my mind sir, yes.
424
00:22:00,644 --> 00:22:03,914
- You mustn't worry yourself unduly, Goody.
- That's good, sir.
425
00:22:03,915 --> 00:22:05,015
Because Gary Boyle
426
00:22:05,016 --> 00:22:06,983
Says that having a
sly quickie after work
427
00:22:06,984 --> 00:22:08,384
Is a police tradition.
428
00:22:09,553 --> 00:22:12,222
- He said that?
- Oh, yes.
429
00:22:12,223 --> 00:22:13,656
He says that if a bloke
430
00:22:13,657 --> 00:22:16,392
Can't get a couple of stiff
ones down his neck after work,
431
00:22:16,393 --> 00:22:19,196
Then what's the point of being a copper?
432
00:22:20,898 --> 00:22:24,434
He reckons that the pub lock-in
is all part of police culture.
433
00:22:24,435 --> 00:22:26,970
Pub lock-in?
434
00:22:26,971 --> 00:22:29,973
You mean you've been asked to
come out for an illegal drink?
435
00:22:29,974 --> 00:22:31,474
That's what's been worrying you?
436
00:22:31,475 --> 00:22:33,910
Yes, C.I.D. do it all the time.
437
00:22:33,911 --> 00:22:36,112
I'm really pleased
it doesn't bother you.
438
00:22:36,113 --> 00:22:38,215
I'll tell you what, I'll
be stuck into the malibu
439
00:22:38,216 --> 00:22:40,116
At the "frog and truncheon" tonight.
440
00:22:40,117 --> 00:22:41,952
And if you do, you appalling youth,
441
00:22:41,953 --> 00:22:43,954
You'll be stuck in a
cell tomorrow morning.
442
00:22:43,955 --> 00:22:47,023
I'm aware there are certain
nod-and-a-wink customs
443
00:22:47,024 --> 00:22:49,059
In which C.I.D. officers ignore the law,
444
00:22:49,060 --> 00:22:52,062
But I will not allow the
corruption of my officers.
445
00:22:52,063 --> 00:22:55,531
Quite frankly, I preferred
you when you were a homosexual.
446
00:22:57,335 --> 00:22:58,501
Get out.
447
00:23:04,342 --> 00:23:05,808
All right,
448
00:23:05,809 --> 00:23:10,213
I want urine from all this lot.
449
00:23:10,214 --> 00:23:14,017
Would somebody kindly take the urine?
450
00:23:15,086 --> 00:23:17,320
Check their eyeballs.
451
00:23:17,321 --> 00:23:20,123
If the pupils are dislocated, nick 'em.
452
00:23:20,124 --> 00:23:23,193
Look for the signs
of addiction-
453
00:23:23,194 --> 00:23:25,395
A distant stare,
454
00:23:25,396 --> 00:23:27,964
Regular truancy,
455
00:23:27,965 --> 00:23:31,001
Loss of appetite at mealtimes.
456
00:23:31,002 --> 00:23:33,036
Boyle, Timmy!
457
00:23:50,354 --> 00:23:53,156
You didn't get rid of it, did you?
458
00:23:56,560 --> 00:23:59,429
I'll never forgive you for this, Nazia.
459
00:24:03,234 --> 00:24:05,468
( dog barking )
460
00:24:14,345 --> 00:24:16,712
I have no excuse, sir.
461
00:24:16,713 --> 00:24:19,582
I was protecting my sister.
462
00:24:19,583 --> 00:24:22,652
You understand that I'm
going to have to charge you?
463
00:24:22,653 --> 00:24:24,487
Yes, sir.
464
00:24:24,488 --> 00:24:26,489
You fool, constable.
465
00:24:26,490 --> 00:24:28,591
What madness possessed you?
466
00:24:28,592 --> 00:24:30,693
She's my little sister, sir.
467
00:24:30,694 --> 00:24:33,095
My mom would've died.
468
00:24:33,096 --> 00:24:35,565
She'd be-
469
00:24:37,568 --> 00:24:39,636
Go to your desk, constable.
470
00:24:45,976 --> 00:24:47,843
Derek...
471
00:24:50,781 --> 00:24:55,251
Constable Habib is by far
and away my best officer.
472
00:24:55,252 --> 00:24:59,021
She already represents a public
investment of many thousands of pounds.
473
00:24:59,022 --> 00:25:01,658
What are you suggesting,
inspector Fowler?
474
00:25:01,659 --> 00:25:03,726
I am suggesting...
475
00:25:03,727 --> 00:25:06,196
That we do not charge her.
476
00:25:06,197 --> 00:25:08,531
She has a fine career ahead of her,
477
00:25:08,532 --> 00:25:11,334
And because of one insane
moment of filial loyalty-
478
00:25:11,335 --> 00:25:13,703
I don't believe I'm hearing this!
479
00:25:13,704 --> 00:25:17,073
Inspector high and mighty
480
00:25:17,074 --> 00:25:20,109
Snooty snotty hoity-toity Fowler
481
00:25:20,110 --> 00:25:23,413
- Wants me to break the law?
- I know!
482
00:25:23,414 --> 00:25:25,648
I know.
483
00:25:25,649 --> 00:25:28,184
But she was just trying
to help her little sister.
484
00:25:29,953 --> 00:25:32,988
And when her little
sister is a drug baron
485
00:25:32,989 --> 00:25:35,124
Defending an armored crack house
486
00:25:35,125 --> 00:25:37,927
With a shoulder-held missile launcher,
487
00:25:37,928 --> 00:25:40,697
Will it be all right to help her then?
488
00:25:40,698 --> 00:25:43,333
No. I don't like it,
489
00:25:43,334 --> 00:25:46,068
But I know my duty.
490
00:25:46,069 --> 00:25:48,271
We're charging her.
491
00:25:50,907 --> 00:25:53,243
It's been a long night.
492
00:25:53,244 --> 00:25:58,013
Right, Boyle, what about
that drink we were discussing?
493
00:26:08,559 --> 00:26:11,694
- Cheers.
- Boyle: Thank you very much, sir.
494
00:26:11,695 --> 00:26:13,496
You're very welcome, Boyle.
495
00:26:13,497 --> 00:26:16,098
We can settle up later.
496
00:26:16,099 --> 00:26:18,868
I reckon this raid might
mean promotion for you, sir.
497
00:26:18,869 --> 00:26:20,936
Well, I can't deny I am rather expecting
498
00:26:20,937 --> 00:26:23,139
A call from a grateful chief constable.
499
00:26:23,140 --> 00:26:25,441
Ah, I can't see anything
going wrong with that.
500
00:26:25,442 --> 00:26:27,710
Hey, unless we get raided.
501
00:26:27,711 --> 00:26:30,513
Gladstone: All right, you lot-
it's well past closing time.
502
00:26:30,514 --> 00:26:32,248
You're all under arrest.
503
00:26:32,249 --> 00:26:34,484
Out through the bog,
sir, old copper's trick.
504
00:26:37,721 --> 00:26:41,557
The problem with old copper's
tricks, constable Boyle,
505
00:26:41,558 --> 00:26:44,026
Is that old coppers know 'em.
506
00:26:44,027 --> 00:26:46,696
Don't do me for this, Fowler.
507
00:26:46,697 --> 00:26:49,265
I've never done anything like it before.
508
00:26:49,266 --> 00:26:52,735
A conviction would ruin my career.
509
00:26:52,736 --> 00:26:55,905
Never mind, inspector Grim, it
was never a very promising one...
510
00:26:57,040 --> 00:27:00,710
Unlike constable Habib's.
511
00:27:03,980 --> 00:27:08,017
You can't compare
withholding evidence of drugs
512
00:27:08,018 --> 00:27:11,220
With a friendly little lock-in.
513
00:27:11,221 --> 00:27:14,324
Really? I think you'll find that I can.
514
00:27:14,325 --> 00:27:17,226
Also, I think you'll find
that the promotions board
515
00:27:17,227 --> 00:27:20,029
Will be inclined to view
any criminal conviction
516
00:27:20,030 --> 00:27:23,265
As something of a blot
on a policeman's record.
517
00:27:23,266 --> 00:27:27,403
All right, I won't charge Habib.
518
00:27:27,404 --> 00:27:31,507
In that case, I won't
charge you or Boyle.
519
00:27:31,508 --> 00:27:34,276
I've got a couple of
outstanding parking tickets, sir.
520
00:27:34,277 --> 00:27:36,646
You think you can get me off those?
521
00:27:39,216 --> 00:27:42,418
I'm terribly sorry to keep
you waiting, mr. Glockenspiel,
522
00:27:42,419 --> 00:27:44,987
But I've been assembling the
relevant financial reports
523
00:27:44,988 --> 00:27:46,556
Regarding the ladies' locker room.
524
00:27:46,557 --> 00:27:49,759
No rush, you won't get
a penny out of me anyway.
525
00:27:49,760 --> 00:27:51,761
I took the liberty of making myself
526
00:27:51,762 --> 00:27:53,629
A mug of bovril whilst I was waiting.
527
00:27:53,630 --> 00:27:56,198
- Your very good health.
- Bovril?
528
00:27:56,199 --> 00:27:58,768
Yes, my favorite
beverage-
529
00:27:58,769 --> 00:28:02,137
Nutritious, and above all, cheap.
530
00:28:02,138 --> 00:28:05,641
I saw that cube on your desk.
531
00:28:05,642 --> 00:28:07,477
So I made free with your kettle.
532
00:28:07,478 --> 00:28:09,979
- No!
- Oh, don't worry, I've left you half.
533
00:28:13,584 --> 00:28:16,018
Quick, get a requisition slip.
534
00:28:16,019 --> 00:28:20,022
Mr. Glockenspiel says we can have
as many lavatories as we like.
535
00:28:20,023 --> 00:28:23,593
In fact, he's offered to put
in jacuzzis and a steam room.
536
00:28:23,594 --> 00:28:25,728
Also, he's asked for kebabs, pizzas
537
00:28:25,729 --> 00:28:28,197
And 15 king-size
mars bars-
538
00:28:28,198 --> 00:28:30,500
No almonds.
539
00:28:30,501 --> 00:28:33,770
Right then, Henry, let's talk toilets.
540
00:28:33,771 --> 00:28:36,171
( theme music playing )
41149
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.