Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,000
www.tvsubtitles.net
2
00:00:02,533 --> 00:00:05,001
Good evening, everybody.
3
00:00:05,002 --> 00:00:08,104
Never judge a book by its cover,
4
00:00:08,105 --> 00:00:11,808
Particularly if that cover
quotes an obscure journal
5
00:00:11,809 --> 00:00:15,245
Claiming it to be the
best book ever written.
6
00:00:15,246 --> 00:00:17,314
I made that mistake recently
7
00:00:17,315 --> 00:00:20,651
And found myself reading
a book about drugs and sex,
8
00:00:20,652 --> 00:00:25,489
Which are scarcely suitable
subjects for fiction.
9
00:00:25,490 --> 00:00:28,358
If I hadn't been on a
stopping train to Aberystwyth,
10
00:00:28,359 --> 00:00:31,995
I should have cast
the thing aside unread.
11
00:00:31,996 --> 00:00:34,230
Appearances, as we shall see,
12
00:00:34,231 --> 00:00:37,434
Are like bus timetables...
13
00:00:37,435 --> 00:00:41,871
Often highly misleading.
14
00:00:41,872 --> 00:00:44,408
( theme music playing )
15
00:00:57,154 --> 00:01:00,156
Raymond, there's something
I need to discuss with you.
16
00:01:00,157 --> 00:01:03,059
I see. And are you addressing
me as your commanding officer,
17
00:01:03,060 --> 00:01:05,529
- Or as your boyfriend?
- Does it make a difference?
18
00:01:05,530 --> 00:01:09,299
Certainly it makes a difference. The public
pays me to be your commanding officer,
19
00:01:09,300 --> 00:01:12,035
It does not pay me to be your boyfriend.
20
00:01:12,036 --> 00:01:14,771
If you were to ask me a
boyfriend question like,
21
00:01:14,772 --> 00:01:17,708
"I think I've left the gas
on at home, what shall I do?"
22
00:01:17,709 --> 00:01:20,176
I should feel unable to
answer until lunchtime.
23
00:01:21,879 --> 00:01:24,113
By which time our house
would have exploded.
24
00:01:24,114 --> 00:01:27,083
Making it a police matter with
which I would feel justified
25
00:01:27,084 --> 00:01:28,885
In dealing on police time.
26
00:01:28,886 --> 00:01:30,687
I see.
27
00:01:30,688 --> 00:01:33,990
Well, I suppose this
is a matter of advice.
28
00:01:33,991 --> 00:01:36,860
And I would like you to
answer partly as my commander,
29
00:01:36,861 --> 00:01:38,628
And partly as my boyfriend.
30
00:01:38,629 --> 00:01:40,564
Good, well that seems simple enough.
31
00:01:40,565 --> 00:01:42,198
I shall give you my police answer now,
32
00:01:42,199 --> 00:01:44,468
For which of course, the
public will be paying me,
33
00:01:44,469 --> 00:01:46,837
And I shall give you my
personal answer over lunch,
34
00:01:46,838 --> 00:01:49,239
For which I will
expect no reimbursement,
35
00:01:49,240 --> 00:01:52,709
Other than the satisfaction
of being your helpmeet.
36
00:01:52,710 --> 00:01:56,380
Right. Well, here's my problem.
37
00:01:56,381 --> 00:01:58,582
If you know something is wrong,
38
00:01:58,583 --> 00:02:02,018
But the method by which you
know it is wrong is also wrong,
39
00:02:02,019 --> 00:02:05,422
Is it right to right the
wrong? Or wrong to do right?
40
00:02:05,423 --> 00:02:08,291
Because the real wrong is that it
was not right to know the wrong,
41
00:02:08,292 --> 00:02:10,494
And so righting the
wrong cannot be right.
42
00:02:10,495 --> 00:02:13,296
Yes, I see.
43
00:02:13,297 --> 00:02:16,099
Well, speaking as your
commanding officer,
44
00:02:16,100 --> 00:02:18,502
I'm afraid I don't quite follow.
45
00:02:18,503 --> 00:02:21,638
- ( knocking on door )
- Sir, the town hall's on the line.
46
00:02:21,639 --> 00:02:24,107
The mayoress wants to come
see you this lunchtime.
47
00:02:24,108 --> 00:02:28,445
- ( gasps ) Dame Christabel Wickham!
- I'll take this.
48
00:02:28,446 --> 00:02:30,680
Dame Christabel, you're a stuck-up tart
49
00:02:30,681 --> 00:02:32,582
Why don't you bog off and die.
50
00:02:36,186 --> 00:02:39,022
Dame Christabel, there is a
female lunatic in my office.
51
00:02:39,023 --> 00:02:41,525
Get off, you female
lunatic. How dare you insult
52
00:02:41,526 --> 00:02:44,394
Gasforth's most
distinguished public servant?
53
00:02:44,395 --> 00:02:46,430
Restrain her, somebody... Ohh!
54
00:02:46,431 --> 00:02:48,565
It's for your own good, madam.
55
00:02:48,566 --> 00:02:51,835
Give me back that phone, I
said give me back that phone.
56
00:02:51,836 --> 00:02:55,038
Constable, constable...
57
00:02:55,039 --> 00:02:57,774
Yes, sir? Remove her
to a caring institution
58
00:02:57,775 --> 00:03:00,310
Where she can receive the
treatment she so clearly needs.
59
00:03:00,311 --> 00:03:02,412
That I will do, sir.
60
00:03:04,148 --> 00:03:06,316
She's gone.
61
00:03:06,317 --> 00:03:09,586
Hello? Oh my god, she's rung off!
62
00:03:09,587 --> 00:03:11,588
No, sir, she was never on.
63
00:03:11,589 --> 00:03:13,557
I haven't put her through yet.
64
00:03:16,894 --> 00:03:19,262
Oh, I see.
65
00:03:19,263 --> 00:03:22,398
Haaaaa.
66
00:03:22,399 --> 00:03:24,634
Oh well- oh in that
case uh, just tell her
67
00:03:24,635 --> 00:03:27,270
I should be delighted
to receive her, Habib.
68
00:03:27,271 --> 00:03:31,708
- Most delighted.
- I'll try and strike the right tone, sir.
69
00:03:31,709 --> 00:03:33,810
Now if you could kindly haul your mind
70
00:03:33,811 --> 00:03:35,979
Back from your fantasies
of tight little skirts
71
00:03:35,980 --> 00:03:38,815
And first-class
degrees from Oxbridge...
72
00:03:38,816 --> 00:03:42,218
- Mmm?
- We were discussing my problem.
73
00:03:42,219 --> 00:03:44,654
Yes. Look, Patricia,
would it be all right
74
00:03:44,655 --> 00:03:46,422
If I ignored you completely?
75
00:03:46,423 --> 00:03:49,993
Not at all, Raymond, I'll
just pretend we were in bed.
76
00:03:49,994 --> 00:03:52,963
You see, the mayoress is coming
77
00:03:52,964 --> 00:03:55,799
In only three and a half
hours and I must be prepared.
78
00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:57,701
Oh damn, diddle and doo-dah!
79
00:03:57,702 --> 00:03:59,936
This would be the week
when my nose-hair clippers
80
00:03:59,937 --> 00:04:02,438
Are being resharpened
at the ironmongers.
81
00:04:02,439 --> 00:04:04,440
Raymond, this is serious.
82
00:04:04,441 --> 00:04:06,943
I've been studying the weekend tapes
83
00:04:06,944 --> 00:04:09,880
Of the town center
closed-circuit tv cameras.
84
00:04:09,881 --> 00:04:13,717
There's something I'm very worried
about. Now will you please concentrate?
85
00:04:13,718 --> 00:04:16,987
In that flat, the
window above the shop-
86
00:04:16,988 --> 00:04:20,423
Patricia, that is a private
dwelling. We have no right-
87
00:04:20,424 --> 00:04:24,360
I know, but look. The figure
in the skirt and the man-
88
00:04:24,361 --> 00:04:26,763
He's raising his hand
above his head, look!
89
00:04:26,764 --> 00:04:28,932
He's hitting her with
some kind of weapon.
90
00:04:28,933 --> 00:04:31,801
Great trumpeting trousers, so he is!
91
00:04:31,802 --> 00:04:35,639
The unutterable swine,
the cowardly, custardy cad!
92
00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:37,641
That man must be brought to book.
93
00:04:37,642 --> 00:04:39,643
But we only know about
the woman's problems
94
00:04:39,644 --> 00:04:41,878
Through intrusive
electronic surveillance.
95
00:04:41,879 --> 00:04:44,848
- We're in a very difficult position.
- Yes, that's true.
96
00:04:44,849 --> 00:04:47,918
Ooh, you've put me on
the horns of a dilemma.
97
00:04:47,919 --> 00:04:50,520
One horn is personal inclination,
98
00:04:50,521 --> 00:04:52,789
The other horn is stern duty.
99
00:04:52,790 --> 00:04:54,624
Well I'm quite pleased, really.
100
00:04:54,625 --> 00:04:58,461
It's a long time since I put
you on any sort of horn at all.
101
00:04:58,462 --> 00:05:00,897
Don't be so saucy, Patricia.
102
00:05:00,898 --> 00:05:03,733
Besides which, it's just not true.
103
00:05:03,734 --> 00:05:06,603
I find you enormously exciting.
104
00:05:06,604 --> 00:05:09,906
But then I find bread and
butter pudding exciting.
105
00:05:09,907 --> 00:05:13,142
And I wouldn't want a
portion every night, would I?
106
00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:19,249
Constable
Boyle-
107
00:05:19,250 --> 00:05:21,985
Would you mind if I held
your hand for a while?
108
00:05:24,054 --> 00:05:27,156
- Eh?
- Give me your hand, I want to hold it.
109
00:05:27,157 --> 00:05:29,726
And tease it with me forefinger.
110
00:05:29,727 --> 00:05:31,595
Steady, sir.
111
00:05:31,596 --> 00:05:34,431
It's the secret
handshake I'm practicing.
112
00:05:34,432 --> 00:05:37,534
Oh, I see, you're joining the masons?
113
00:05:37,535 --> 00:05:41,137
No, they knocked me back last year.
114
00:05:41,138 --> 00:05:44,173
Said me knees were too knobbly.
115
00:05:44,174 --> 00:05:49,112
Bloody masons- look after
their own, promote their own,
116
00:05:49,113 --> 00:05:51,147
Cover up for their own...
117
00:05:51,148 --> 00:05:53,182
Well, you can see why I wanted to join.
118
00:05:53,183 --> 00:05:56,887
Anyway, stuff the masons,
I'm going one better.
119
00:05:56,888 --> 00:05:59,255
I'm joining the todgers.
120
00:06:00,858 --> 00:06:03,727
The secret, most noble, medieval order
121
00:06:03,728 --> 00:06:05,729
Of the masonic lodge todgers.
122
00:06:05,730 --> 00:06:10,366
- Better costumes, better
ceremonies- - better nepotism.
123
00:06:10,367 --> 00:06:14,638
Exactly. I'm not gonna fanny
about in Gasforth forever.
124
00:06:14,639 --> 00:06:18,708
And if putting on a dress once a week
125
00:06:18,709 --> 00:06:23,179
And occasionally kissing
a dead turkey's bottom
126
00:06:23,180 --> 00:06:26,416
Is the price I have
to pay, then so be it.
127
00:06:26,417 --> 00:06:28,919
Well you make sure it's
properly plucked, sir.
128
00:06:30,655 --> 00:06:33,990
In my experience turkey
bristle can be very coarse.
129
00:06:38,996 --> 00:06:41,197
Your ex-girlfriend's here.
130
00:06:41,198 --> 00:06:44,634
For the final time, Patricia, the
mayoress was never my girlfriend.
131
00:06:44,635 --> 00:06:46,703
We just went to the same grammar school.
132
00:06:46,704 --> 00:06:48,905
I can tell when you fancy
someone, your nose twitches.
133
00:06:48,906 --> 00:06:52,308
Can't wait around all day,
Raymond, I've got a town to run.
134
00:06:52,309 --> 00:06:54,945
Yes, of course, dame Chrissy.
135
00:06:54,946 --> 00:06:57,113
Please, take a seat.
136
00:06:57,114 --> 00:07:00,083
I do apologize for my
sergeant's tardiness.
137
00:07:01,552 --> 00:07:03,753
Was there something, sergeant?
138
00:07:03,754 --> 00:07:06,656
Tea, sergeant, close
the door behind you.
139
00:07:17,935 --> 00:07:21,505
I'll come straight to the point,
Raymond- serious situation.
140
00:07:21,506 --> 00:07:24,173
My cute little derrière
is in your hands.
141
00:07:26,511 --> 00:07:30,413
Gasforth is harboring
an illegal asylum seeker.
142
00:07:30,414 --> 00:07:32,415
His time runs out at the end of the week
143
00:07:32,416 --> 00:07:35,018
And you'll be required to
arrest him for deportation.
144
00:07:35,019 --> 00:07:37,721
The problem is that there is an observer
145
00:07:37,722 --> 00:07:40,456
From the European
parliament in town as well.
146
00:07:40,457 --> 00:07:43,159
Well that's no concern of
mine. I serve her majesty,
147
00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:45,228
Not some soggy Brussels sprout.
148
00:07:45,229 --> 00:07:48,798
The point is that there have
been so many reports recently
149
00:07:48,799 --> 00:07:51,501
About thuggery and racism in the police,
150
00:07:51,502 --> 00:07:53,703
That P.R.-Wise, we're vulnerable.
151
00:07:53,704 --> 00:07:56,305
You have to work on your image.
152
00:07:56,306 --> 00:07:58,307
When you nick this sniveling alien,
153
00:07:58,308 --> 00:08:01,444
I want to be able to show
that greasy euro-bastard
154
00:08:01,445 --> 00:08:05,015
Just how tolerant and balanced we are.
155
00:08:05,016 --> 00:08:08,451
Fowler; so-
racism, sexism,
156
00:08:08,452 --> 00:08:11,921
Homoeroticaphobia...
157
00:08:11,922 --> 00:08:15,558
...Ism, and the police.
158
00:08:15,559 --> 00:08:18,094
- Who would like to start the discussion?
- I would, sir.
159
00:08:18,095 --> 00:08:20,362
You astonish me, constable Habib.
160
00:08:20,363 --> 00:08:24,366
I could not be more surprised if my
hat had turned into a giant hedgehog.
161
00:08:24,367 --> 00:08:27,336
I'd like to talk about
sir Paul Condon's report
162
00:08:27,337 --> 00:08:29,138
About policing and race, sir.
163
00:08:29,139 --> 00:08:31,107
Ah, well that sounds like a good idea.
164
00:08:31,108 --> 00:08:33,375
Which part of the report
would you like to discuss?
165
00:08:33,376 --> 00:08:35,912
I'm talking about his
decision to make public
166
00:08:35,913 --> 00:08:39,115
The statistic that street
crime and mugging in the capital
167
00:08:39,116 --> 00:08:41,985
Are disproportionately
committed by young black men.
168
00:08:41,986 --> 00:08:43,953
And you disapprove of this statement?
169
00:08:43,954 --> 00:08:46,188
Yes, I think
he's being a-
170
00:08:46,189 --> 00:08:49,391
- Yes, Habib?
- Well I always try to be nice, sir.
171
00:08:49,392 --> 00:08:52,361
So I'll just say, it
rhymes with trucking tanker.
172
00:08:54,131 --> 00:08:57,233
Kindly restrain your poetry, Habib.
173
00:08:57,234 --> 00:08:59,702
I notice he didn't add
that young black blokes
174
00:08:59,703 --> 00:09:01,838
Find it much more
difficult to get a job.
175
00:09:01,839 --> 00:09:03,906
Which came first, the
chicken or the egg?
176
00:09:03,907 --> 00:09:06,242
- I know, I know.
- You do, Goody?
177
00:09:06,243 --> 00:09:10,146
- So what is the answer?
- Because it wanted to get to the other side.
178
00:09:10,147 --> 00:09:12,015
Be quiet, Goody!
179
00:09:12,016 --> 00:09:15,217
The chief constable can
only report facts, Habib.
180
00:09:15,218 --> 00:09:18,554
It is not his duty to enter
into socio-political analysis
181
00:09:18,555 --> 00:09:20,489
As to why those facts have come about.
182
00:09:20,490 --> 00:09:24,627
- Give a dog a bad name...
- We gave our dog a bad name-
183
00:09:26,096 --> 00:09:27,964
Colin.
184
00:09:27,965 --> 00:09:29,766
Terrible name.
185
00:09:29,767 --> 00:09:33,803
You have no idea how many
people are called Colin.
186
00:09:33,804 --> 00:09:36,539
We'd go to the park, I'd
shout, "come here, Colin,"
187
00:09:36,540 --> 00:09:39,275
And 15 people would turn round.
188
00:09:40,277 --> 00:09:42,779
And big people too, sir.
189
00:09:42,780 --> 00:09:45,948
I mean, for some reason, it's the
big lads that get called Colin.
190
00:09:45,949 --> 00:09:49,585
I mean, I'd shout,
"Colin, you're a bad boy.
191
00:09:49,586 --> 00:09:52,521
I just saw you do a kaka
192
00:09:52,522 --> 00:09:56,159
And now I'm going to
rub your nose in it."
193
00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:59,461
The next thing I knew, I'd
wake up in an ambulance.
194
00:09:59,462 --> 00:10:01,764
Yes, yes, yes, yes, excuse me, sir,
195
00:10:01,765 --> 00:10:03,833
But aren't we wandering from the point?
196
00:10:03,834 --> 00:10:05,668
Yes indeed we are. Well done, Goody.
197
00:10:05,669 --> 00:10:09,471
Yes, because we were talking
about chickens, not dogs.
198
00:10:09,472 --> 00:10:11,841
No the point
is- oh- ah...
199
00:10:11,842 --> 00:10:15,511
- What was the point? - Paul Condon
demonizing the children of immigrants.
200
00:10:15,512 --> 00:10:17,580
Exactly- no,
no it is not.
201
00:10:17,581 --> 00:10:20,983
Sir Paul Condon was in
possession of certain facts.
202
00:10:20,984 --> 00:10:23,886
Is he to withhold those facts
because he doesn't like them?
203
00:10:23,887 --> 00:10:26,055
He withholds plenty, sir.
204
00:10:26,056 --> 00:10:29,225
I expect he's got an idea how many
bent coppers there are in the met,
205
00:10:29,226 --> 00:10:32,695
How many freemasons, but he doesn't
think the public need to know about that.
206
00:10:32,696 --> 00:10:35,131
We are discussing the
problems of race, Habib.
207
00:10:35,132 --> 00:10:37,466
Sir Paul
Condon can not-
208
00:10:40,871 --> 00:10:42,872
Why are you sniggering, boy?
209
00:10:42,873 --> 00:10:45,074
- I'm not sniggering, sir.
- You are sniggering.
210
00:10:45,075 --> 00:10:48,778
Well, I mean come on, sir.
The bloke's name is Condon.
211
00:10:51,648 --> 00:10:54,683
I don't see anything remotely
amusing about that, Goody.
212
00:10:54,684 --> 00:10:58,654
Oh come now, sir, I think you do.
213
00:10:58,655 --> 00:11:00,656
No I don't, Goody.
214
00:11:00,657 --> 00:11:04,060
But sir, it sounds
exactly like "condom."
215
00:11:05,796 --> 00:11:08,430
You can see them
on the news, sir-
216
00:11:08,431 --> 00:11:11,100
"the metropolitan police
chief, sir Paul Condon..."
217
00:11:11,101 --> 00:11:13,335
And you know that newsreader's thinking,
218
00:11:13,336 --> 00:11:16,973
"I hope I don't say 'condom'
I hope I don't say 'condom'..."
219
00:11:18,075 --> 00:11:19,809
Be quiet, you imbecile.
220
00:11:19,810 --> 00:11:24,046
- We are discussing racism.
- Ooh, I know all about racism, sir.
221
00:11:24,047 --> 00:11:26,315
My mother prepared me for it.
222
00:11:26,316 --> 00:11:29,752
Ah, she explained to you the
sad truth of irrational hatred.
223
00:11:29,753 --> 00:11:33,622
No, she beat me and called me names.
224
00:11:33,623 --> 00:11:36,125
Yes, thank you for sharing
that with us, Gladstone.
225
00:11:36,126 --> 00:11:37,860
Grim: Listen to 'em.
226
00:11:37,861 --> 00:11:42,231
It gets right on my raving titties.
227
00:11:42,232 --> 00:11:46,068
I mean I'm no racist, I don't
mind people coming over here,
228
00:11:46,069 --> 00:11:48,938
But when they do,
they should be like us.
229
00:11:48,939 --> 00:11:53,876
People don't want a load of
weird customs and funny clothes.
230
00:11:55,179 --> 00:11:57,313
Right, I put the hood on, see.
231
00:11:57,314 --> 00:12:01,284
And I kiss the turkey with
my head between my legs.
232
00:12:01,285 --> 00:12:05,188
I'll show you, I'll squat on
the desk to make it easier.
233
00:12:05,189 --> 00:12:08,590
Now, I need a hood. I'll use
the bag I brought the bird in.
234
00:12:08,591 --> 00:12:12,128
It's a frozen one from tina's freezer.
235
00:12:12,129 --> 00:12:14,163
Okay...
236
00:12:16,099 --> 00:12:18,334
You line up the fowl...
237
00:12:18,335 --> 00:12:21,503
Well, I wouldn't kiss
it if I were you, sir.
238
00:12:21,504 --> 00:12:24,506
It's still a bit chilly, your
lips might stick to its bum.
239
00:12:24,507 --> 00:12:28,044
Well, breathe on it first.
240
00:12:29,612 --> 00:12:33,082
What are you lot staring at?
241
00:12:33,083 --> 00:12:35,184
We were just celebrating
the rich diversity
242
00:12:35,185 --> 00:12:37,086
Of culture in our station.
243
00:12:37,087 --> 00:12:38,888
I confess I had not expected to see it
244
00:12:38,889 --> 00:12:40,857
Quite so graphically illustrated.
245
00:12:40,858 --> 00:12:44,126
Oh yeah, well I don't like culture.
246
00:12:44,127 --> 00:12:48,697
- I beg your pardon?
- Bleedin' ballet and opera,
247
00:12:48,698 --> 00:12:52,201
Especially when they
spend lottery money on it.
248
00:12:52,202 --> 00:12:54,770
Wasting the working man's bet
249
00:12:54,771 --> 00:12:57,874
On fat screeching old bags from Italy
250
00:12:57,875 --> 00:13:00,809
Singing like they got piles,
251
00:13:00,810 --> 00:13:04,313
Or some bunch of scrawny bints in tutus
252
00:13:04,314 --> 00:13:06,815
Called Darcy and Tilda,
253
00:13:06,816 --> 00:13:09,852
Flashing their gussets at
a lot of horny perverts.
254
00:13:11,421 --> 00:13:15,524
Art? Culture? Staring
at posh birds' knickers,
255
00:13:15,525 --> 00:13:17,860
That's all "swan bleeding
lake" boils down to.
256
00:13:19,129 --> 00:13:21,230
They should use all the money
257
00:13:21,231 --> 00:13:24,400
For kiddies with incurable diseases.
258
00:13:24,401 --> 00:13:27,336
When me and my Tina
buy our lottery ticket
259
00:13:27,337 --> 00:13:29,505
Out of the goodness
of our heart-
260
00:13:29,506 --> 00:13:32,041
And in the hope of winning £20 million.
261
00:13:32,042 --> 00:13:35,577
-Yes, and we want to know
that by winning £20 million
262
00:13:35,578 --> 00:13:38,214
We will be helping little kiddies.
263
00:13:38,215 --> 00:13:43,319
Not haughty, hoity-
stick-it-up-your-toity,
264
00:13:43,320 --> 00:13:45,354
High-and-mighty,
tight-nosed,
265
00:13:45,355 --> 00:13:48,624
Toffee-arsed,
sun-dried-tomato-eating,
266
00:13:48,625 --> 00:13:51,560
La-di-da-di
la-di-dahs.
267
00:13:54,497 --> 00:13:57,699
Yes, well let us hope that
some of the lottery money
268
00:13:57,700 --> 00:13:59,701
Goes to aiding the incurably insane.
269
00:14:01,138 --> 00:14:04,106
In which case you'll
get your money back.
270
00:14:04,107 --> 00:14:06,675
Habib is right
about one thing-
271
00:14:06,676 --> 00:14:10,512
The police cannot fight racism
if we are racist ourselves.
272
00:14:10,513 --> 00:14:13,682
It would be very much a matter
of the pot calling the kettle...
273
00:14:13,683 --> 00:14:15,451
Um...
274
00:14:15,452 --> 00:14:17,286
Uh...
275
00:14:17,287 --> 00:14:19,322
African-american.
276
00:14:21,191 --> 00:14:23,092
So- how
racist are we?
277
00:14:23,093 --> 00:14:27,863
Well, in order to find out,
I propose to be a Martian.
278
00:14:27,864 --> 00:14:31,700
Imagine that I've just beamed down in
my space podule and joined the police.
279
00:14:31,701 --> 00:14:34,971
Excuse me, sir... If you just
beamed down in your podule,
280
00:14:34,972 --> 00:14:36,839
You wouldn't be joining anything
281
00:14:36,840 --> 00:14:40,042
You'd be detained under the immigration
act, and stuck in a transit camp.
282
00:14:40,043 --> 00:14:43,545
- I have applied for asylum.
- What are your grounds?
283
00:14:43,546 --> 00:14:46,248
I am a martian dissident, Habib,
284
00:14:46,249 --> 00:14:49,485
Who has incurred the displeasure
of the martian authorities,
285
00:14:49,486 --> 00:14:51,487
By protesting against the americans
286
00:14:51,488 --> 00:14:54,857
Taking any more fuzzy photographs
of our gaseous emissions.
287
00:14:56,126 --> 00:14:58,794
If I return to Mars I will be murdered.
288
00:14:58,795 --> 00:15:02,031
The home office will expect you
to prove you'll be murdered, sir.
289
00:15:02,032 --> 00:15:04,166
The normal method is to send you back
290
00:15:04,167 --> 00:15:07,470
And if you get murdered, they'll
admit you were telling the truth.
291
00:15:07,471 --> 00:15:10,772
All right, I have
beamed down in my podule,
292
00:15:10,773 --> 00:15:12,641
Applied for asylum,
293
00:15:12,642 --> 00:15:15,577
Been refused, taken refuge in a church,
294
00:15:15,578 --> 00:15:18,547
And become the focus of
a major protest campaign
295
00:15:18,548 --> 00:15:22,251
Funded by a charity concert
performed by unpleasant comedians
296
00:15:22,252 --> 00:15:25,087
Who think it's clever to swear.
297
00:15:25,088 --> 00:15:27,723
I have appealed against
deportation and lost,
298
00:15:27,724 --> 00:15:30,226
Both in the high court
and in the house of lords,
299
00:15:30,227 --> 00:15:33,195
But won at the court
of justice in the Hague.
300
00:15:33,196 --> 00:15:35,531
I have married a sweet
girl from Solihull
301
00:15:35,532 --> 00:15:39,135
Who did not object to my
three enormous pulsating heads
302
00:15:39,136 --> 00:15:41,437
With sticky out veins all over them,
303
00:15:41,438 --> 00:15:44,606
I have settled in Gasforth,
done my A-levels at night school,
304
00:15:44,607 --> 00:15:47,743
Bought a secondhand Datsun cherry
and joined the police force.
305
00:15:47,744 --> 00:15:49,878
Satisfied?
306
00:15:49,879 --> 00:15:53,182
Well, it's not up to me, sir.
It's up to the home office.
307
00:15:53,183 --> 00:15:55,117
Well they are delighted.
308
00:15:56,153 --> 00:15:58,654
Now, perhaps we can move on.
309
00:15:58,655 --> 00:16:01,657
Try if you would, to
picture your new colleague.
310
00:16:01,658 --> 00:16:03,792
Martians, as we all know,
311
00:16:03,793 --> 00:16:06,695
Are green and called Zog.
312
00:16:06,696 --> 00:16:08,964
I've already mentioned
the three enormous heads,
313
00:16:08,965 --> 00:16:11,567
Add to this 15-inch
long pulsating fingers,
314
00:16:11,568 --> 00:16:14,437
Multiple legs and a
flashing belly button.
315
00:16:16,639 --> 00:16:18,674
It's my first day in the service
316
00:16:18,675 --> 00:16:20,742
And I'm about to enter
the briefing room.
317
00:16:20,743 --> 00:16:23,112
You'll have to imagine the
multiple heads and the legs
318
00:16:23,113 --> 00:16:25,747
And the flashing belly button.
319
00:16:25,748 --> 00:16:28,017
( making alien sounds )
320
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:46,001
Hello.
321
00:16:47,070 --> 00:16:49,504
My name is constable Zog.
322
00:16:51,308 --> 00:16:54,109
I'm patrolling the beat with you today.
323
00:16:55,678 --> 00:16:57,679
I hope we shall be friends.
324
00:17:01,718 --> 00:17:04,786
All right, Goody, what
would be your reaction?
325
00:17:09,192 --> 00:17:12,094
- I'm just trying to imagine it now.
- Good, good.
326
00:17:12,095 --> 00:17:14,496
These three
heads-
327
00:17:14,497 --> 00:17:16,999
Do you have a helmet on each one?
328
00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:20,635
Yes, yes, if you like. Just
greet me, boy, greet me.
329
00:17:20,636 --> 00:17:23,205
Hello, hello, hello.
330
00:17:29,079 --> 00:17:31,347
And so my point is illustrated.
331
00:17:31,348 --> 00:17:33,349
Goody can only consider my shape.
332
00:17:33,350 --> 00:17:35,251
Ah- not
so, sir.
333
00:17:35,252 --> 00:17:38,820
I'm also thinking
about how green you are.
334
00:17:38,821 --> 00:17:42,457
And that is not acceptable
either. You must be color-blind.
335
00:17:42,458 --> 00:17:45,094
I think you should be
celebrating your greenness,
336
00:17:45,095 --> 00:17:48,397
- Not hoping that we'll ignore it.
- Yes, you're right, Habib.
337
00:17:48,398 --> 00:17:51,133
I must be more assertive.
Right, here we go.
338
00:17:51,134 --> 00:17:53,535
Hello, I'm Zog, I'm from Mars.
339
00:17:53,536 --> 00:17:55,404
Get used to it.
340
00:17:55,405 --> 00:17:58,573
Hello, hello, I'm Kevin from
just outside Basingstoke,
341
00:17:58,574 --> 00:18:02,211
And give me five, no
give me 10, no 15, 20-
342
00:18:02,212 --> 00:18:04,679
Yes all right, just sit down, Goody.
343
00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:06,448
Sit down.
344
00:18:06,449 --> 00:18:08,384
Now Goody...
345
00:18:08,385 --> 00:18:11,220
Now Goody, this is my first day at work.
346
00:18:11,221 --> 00:18:13,989
- I'm your new colleague-
- welcome, welcome, welcome.
347
00:18:13,990 --> 00:18:16,558
Thank you. You've got a cup of tea...
348
00:18:16,559 --> 00:18:18,994
- Yes.
- ...I've got three cups of cocoa.
349
00:18:18,995 --> 00:18:21,897
Now, what friendly tips
could you pass on to me?
350
00:18:21,898 --> 00:18:24,233
- Absolutely honestly?
- Yes.
351
00:18:24,234 --> 00:18:26,302
Right, I'd say this-
352
00:18:26,303 --> 00:18:29,171
Watch out for inspector
Fowler, he's a grumpy old git
353
00:18:29,172 --> 00:18:31,840
And given half a chance
he'll whip your Curly Wurly.
354
00:18:33,143 --> 00:18:35,411
Look, we are deviating from the point.
355
00:18:35,412 --> 00:18:38,213
I'm simply trying to
establish that all men,
356
00:18:38,214 --> 00:18:41,016
Be they Martian,
Mauritian, or Mancunian,
357
00:18:41,017 --> 00:18:43,419
- Are born equal.
- All men?
358
00:18:43,420 --> 00:18:45,821
Huh! So this Martian is a sexist, is he?
359
00:18:45,822 --> 00:18:49,491
- Surprise, surprise. - Look, we are not
talking about anybody's sex, Habib.
360
00:18:49,492 --> 00:18:52,661
Sex with a Martian, sounds great to me.
361
00:18:52,662 --> 00:18:54,964
Not to me. Three head saying,
362
00:18:54,965 --> 00:18:57,566
"I've got a headache, I've got
a headache, I've got a headache."
363
00:18:57,567 --> 00:19:00,936
Mind you, those pulsating
fingers sound all right.
364
00:19:00,937 --> 00:19:03,705
This Martian is asexual, Habib.
365
00:19:03,706 --> 00:19:06,608
A sexual machine if you ask me.
366
00:19:06,609 --> 00:19:10,545
You said so yourself, sir, you've got
veins popping out all over your head.
367
00:19:10,546 --> 00:19:13,182
What have you got lurking
between those multiple legs, sir?
368
00:19:13,183 --> 00:19:16,085
Look, look, we are not
discussing sex or sexism.
369
00:19:16,086 --> 00:19:18,787
I merely stated that all
men are created equal,
370
00:19:18,788 --> 00:19:20,990
And by men, Habib, I mean of course,
371
00:19:20,991 --> 00:19:23,425
Men and persons of the opposite sex.
372
00:19:23,426 --> 00:19:25,727
Opposite sex? I'm sorry, sir,
373
00:19:25,728 --> 00:19:28,464
But defining one sex in terms
of its position to the other
374
00:19:28,465 --> 00:19:32,767
Is sexism, on Earth, Mars,
Saturn, or any other planet.
375
00:19:32,768 --> 00:19:35,637
I've got a hilarious joke about Uranus.
376
00:19:37,773 --> 00:19:42,011
No you don't, Goody. You know
a pathetic pun about my anus.
377
00:19:42,012 --> 00:19:43,912
I mean your anus.
378
00:19:43,913 --> 00:19:47,616
I mean the planet with the
rude name. Oh really, Habib,
379
00:19:47,617 --> 00:19:50,152
Look how you've confused the boy.
380
00:19:50,153 --> 00:19:52,454
Sexism is sexism, sir.
381
00:19:52,455 --> 00:19:54,323
Right.
382
00:19:55,791 --> 00:19:58,827
Patricia, I require your support.
383
00:19:58,828 --> 00:20:02,264
Constable Habib and I are
discussing sexual positions.
384
00:20:02,265 --> 00:20:05,600
And I want you to assure
her that I know only one.
385
00:20:08,371 --> 00:20:10,639
Raymond, what are you talking about?
386
00:20:10,640 --> 00:20:13,342
Sexual discrimination,
which is a scourge.
387
00:20:13,343 --> 00:20:16,478
And I hope sergeant, that having
lived with me for 11 years,
388
00:20:16,479 --> 00:20:19,048
You can vouch for the fact
that when it comes to women,
389
00:20:19,049 --> 00:20:21,350
I'm not remotely discriminating.
390
00:20:21,351 --> 00:20:26,455
Fowler, can you keep
your fannying about down?
391
00:20:26,456 --> 00:20:30,259
Police work is about villains, not isms.
392
00:20:30,260 --> 00:20:33,995
And what ism ever mugged an old lady?
393
00:20:33,996 --> 00:20:36,631
What ism ever robbed a bank?
394
00:20:36,632 --> 00:20:39,468
What ism ever held a
gun to someone's head?
395
00:20:39,469 --> 00:20:42,137
Terrorism.
396
00:20:43,239 --> 00:20:45,574
Yeah, all right.
397
00:20:45,575 --> 00:20:49,178
And what ism ever threatened
the security of the state?
398
00:20:49,179 --> 00:20:51,947
Marxism.
399
00:20:51,948 --> 00:20:54,116
What ism ever hurt anybody?
400
00:20:54,117 --> 00:20:57,286
- Sadism.
- Boyle!
401
00:20:57,287 --> 00:21:00,622
Isms are a very important part
of police work, inspector Grim.
402
00:21:00,623 --> 00:21:03,992
People of all races
and sexual orientations
403
00:21:03,993 --> 00:21:06,395
Must feel at home at
Gasforth police station.
404
00:21:06,396 --> 00:21:08,497
White people, black people,
405
00:21:08,498 --> 00:21:11,233
- Heterosexuals...
- Well of course, we're not bigots.
406
00:21:11,234 --> 00:21:13,402
- ...Homosexualists-
- steady on.
407
00:21:13,403 --> 00:21:17,072
Yes. Gay sexuals should be
able to serve her majesty
408
00:21:17,073 --> 00:21:18,807
Without fear of harassment.
409
00:21:18,808 --> 00:21:23,678
It's all part of this
creeping, crawling,
410
00:21:23,679 --> 00:21:27,316
Poncey, namby,
stick-it-up-your-pansy...
411
00:21:27,317 --> 00:21:29,518
Pardon me for being a fascist,
412
00:21:29,519 --> 00:21:31,487
But I don't happen to
have time to discuss
413
00:21:31,488 --> 00:21:34,289
Interior design, quiche recipes
414
00:21:34,290 --> 00:21:38,093
And Kylie Minogue hits
with constable Whoopsie.
415
00:21:39,129 --> 00:21:41,830
I have important police work.
416
00:21:41,831 --> 00:21:46,635
The lodge master of my todgers
is coming to check me out
417
00:21:46,636 --> 00:21:49,070
Before my initiation test.
418
00:21:49,071 --> 00:21:54,276
Yes, well I strongly disapprove
of secret societies, Grim.
419
00:21:54,277 --> 00:21:57,045
If a man cannot be
proud of his allegiances,
420
00:21:57,046 --> 00:22:00,849
And state them openly, then I fear
they must be of questionable value.
421
00:22:00,850 --> 00:22:03,118
You do not find me
concealing my membership
422
00:22:03,119 --> 00:22:05,320
Of Gasforth amateur dramatic society
423
00:22:05,321 --> 00:22:09,090
Behind silly movements
and trousers at half-mast.
424
00:22:09,091 --> 00:22:12,361
Except of course,
when we do "brigadoon."
425
00:22:14,030 --> 00:22:17,098
Yeah, well when I'm
a chief superintendent
426
00:22:17,099 --> 00:22:19,734
At Scotland Yard, you'll be sorry.
427
00:22:19,735 --> 00:22:22,070
If that day should ever
dawn, inspector Grim,
428
00:22:22,071 --> 00:22:24,673
We'll all be sorry.
429
00:22:24,674 --> 00:22:28,043
I'm not looking forward to
nicking this illegal alien today.
430
00:22:28,044 --> 00:22:30,178
I mean my parents are immigrants.
431
00:22:30,179 --> 00:22:32,248
I understand your feelings, constable,
432
00:22:32,249 --> 00:22:34,350
But your parents were
legal, that's the point.
433
00:22:34,351 --> 00:22:37,419
- And they are now British.
- I'm British, sir.
434
00:22:37,420 --> 00:22:39,555
But I've been told
to go home many times.
435
00:22:39,556 --> 00:22:42,190
"Britain for the
British," people have said.
436
00:22:42,191 --> 00:22:44,293
But I mean what is British?
437
00:22:44,294 --> 00:22:47,129
Everyone's the child of an
immigrant at some point...
438
00:22:47,130 --> 00:22:50,266
- And most of them illegal.
- Are they?
439
00:22:50,267 --> 00:22:53,602
Well, yes, I mean if
you go back far enough.
440
00:22:53,603 --> 00:22:56,071
The Normans were illegal
immigrants, weren't they?
441
00:22:56,072 --> 00:22:57,573
Yes I suppose they were.
442
00:22:57,574 --> 00:23:01,377
Do think they kept their wedding
tackle inside their chain-mail?
443
00:23:01,378 --> 00:23:03,979
No chance. William the conqueror?
444
00:23:03,980 --> 00:23:06,348
More like William the bunkerer.
445
00:23:06,349 --> 00:23:08,250
Yes, yes.
446
00:23:08,251 --> 00:23:10,486
Do you know I've often wondered why
447
00:23:10,487 --> 00:23:12,788
King William was called William.
448
00:23:12,789 --> 00:23:14,590
What?
449
00:23:14,591 --> 00:23:17,426
Well, everyone else in
his army was called Norman.
450
00:23:19,529 --> 00:23:21,530
Constable Gladstone made a good point.
451
00:23:21,531 --> 00:23:24,866
The appalling truth is, I've
got a bit of frenchman in me.
452
00:23:24,867 --> 00:23:27,403
Well, if we're talking
about illegal immigrants,
453
00:23:27,404 --> 00:23:31,707
What about the Vikings? It wasn't
just their helmets that were horny.
454
00:23:31,708 --> 00:23:33,975
And before them there was the Romans.
455
00:23:33,976 --> 00:23:36,978
Those latin lovers
were here for 300 years.
456
00:23:36,979 --> 00:23:39,114
How do you think they passed the time?
457
00:23:39,115 --> 00:23:40,783
Latin declension?
458
00:23:40,784 --> 00:23:43,251
Have it off, have it up, have it often.
459
00:23:43,252 --> 00:23:44,953
Be quiet, Habib.
460
00:23:44,954 --> 00:23:49,257
Really, you girls today,
you're worse than the lads.
461
00:23:49,258 --> 00:23:52,628
This country's always been absorbing
different cultures, different tribes.
462
00:23:52,629 --> 00:23:56,231
Although invaders have tended
to steer clear of the Scots.
463
00:23:56,232 --> 00:23:58,967
Nobody wanted to go there, I suppose.
464
00:23:58,968 --> 00:24:01,603
Boiled oats and sheep stomach
465
00:24:01,604 --> 00:24:05,073
Are scarcely likely to appeal to
the French or Italians, are they?
466
00:24:05,074 --> 00:24:07,242
And they're certainly hard fighters.
467
00:24:07,243 --> 00:24:10,178
If you live in a country where
the thistles are waist-high
468
00:24:10,179 --> 00:24:13,982
An nobody's invented trousers, you're
going to toughen up a bit, aren't you?
469
00:24:13,983 --> 00:24:16,618
Oh well, like it or not, sir,
470
00:24:16,619 --> 00:24:19,020
Britain is a melting pot.
471
00:24:19,021 --> 00:24:21,457
Yes, well none of this relieves us
472
00:24:21,458 --> 00:24:24,025
Of a very difficult
duty. Come on, everybody.
473
00:24:29,666 --> 00:24:32,801
Ha, the police. So, you have come.
474
00:24:32,802 --> 00:24:34,936
I'm sorry, sir, you'll
have to come with us.
475
00:24:34,937 --> 00:24:37,673
What are you doing? You can't do this.
476
00:24:37,674 --> 00:24:40,743
- Hey- - stay where you are,
sir. I'm sorry, I have my duty.
477
00:24:40,744 --> 00:24:43,311
- Habib and Goody, put him in the van.
- Yes, sir.
478
00:24:43,312 --> 00:24:45,514
- But this is an outrage!
- Come along, sir.
479
00:24:45,515 --> 00:24:47,616
Uh, the arrest was carried out swiftly
480
00:24:47,617 --> 00:24:49,951
And without resort to force.
481
00:24:49,952 --> 00:24:52,220
The most demanding of civil libertarians
482
00:24:52,221 --> 00:24:54,956
Could not have failed to be satisfied.
483
00:24:54,957 --> 00:24:57,860
Well done, Raymond, an
excellent piece of work.
484
00:24:57,861 --> 00:24:59,795
You know, I think we need to schedule
485
00:24:59,796 --> 00:25:01,897
Some private meetings
to discuss your future.
486
00:25:01,898 --> 00:25:03,632
After all,
487
00:25:03,633 --> 00:25:06,602
We haven't had a private
meeting since school.
488
00:25:06,603 --> 00:25:09,371
Do you think your hands
will have warmed up by now...
489
00:25:09,372 --> 00:25:12,941
- Feely?
- ( giggles )
490
00:25:12,942 --> 00:25:15,911
Sir, I'm afraid this
gentlemen wants to have a word.
491
00:25:15,912 --> 00:25:17,913
Ah, here he is.
492
00:25:17,914 --> 00:25:20,582
This is our illegal asylum seeker.
493
00:25:21,618 --> 00:25:24,152
I don't think so, inspector.
494
00:25:24,153 --> 00:25:26,422
Our man's white, he's from Chechnya.
495
00:25:28,257 --> 00:25:30,258
Who's this?
496
00:25:30,259 --> 00:25:33,295
My name is Mustafa Dalcroix,
497
00:25:33,296 --> 00:25:35,664
European commissioner for human rights
498
00:25:35,665 --> 00:25:38,099
And a French national.
499
00:25:38,100 --> 00:25:40,335
A Frenchman?
500
00:25:40,336 --> 00:25:42,838
In my station?
501
00:25:44,206 --> 00:25:46,642
You - you
British, uh?
502
00:25:46,643 --> 00:25:48,744
No wonder we all hate you.
503
00:25:48,745 --> 00:25:51,346
Your chocolate isn't chocolatey enough,
504
00:25:51,347 --> 00:25:54,483
Your bananas are too long and bendy,
505
00:25:54,484 --> 00:25:57,953
You insist on eating
prawn cocktail crisps
506
00:25:57,954 --> 00:26:00,856
Despite the fact that
we have told you not to.
507
00:26:02,058 --> 00:26:04,793
And now it turns out that your policemen
508
00:26:04,794 --> 00:26:09,465
Think all black people
are illegal immigrants.
509
00:26:09,466 --> 00:26:11,533
Whoops.
510
00:26:12,669 --> 00:26:15,704
I intend to lodge a full report
511
00:26:15,705 --> 00:26:20,976
On this appalling display
of bigotry and ignorance.
512
00:26:20,977 --> 00:26:24,112
- Au revoir. -
Monsieur Dalcroix-
513
00:26:24,113 --> 00:26:26,715
We have a grant application.
514
00:26:26,716 --> 00:26:29,451
This appalling racist
will be fully disciplined.
515
00:26:32,188 --> 00:26:34,690
Oh, what a dreadful error.
516
00:26:34,691 --> 00:26:37,325
We all make mistakes, sir.
517
00:26:37,326 --> 00:26:40,095
Nothing I could do could make
amends for a day like this.
518
00:26:40,096 --> 00:26:43,064
( sighs ) There's
always my horny dilemma.
519
00:26:43,065 --> 00:26:46,267
You could have a stab at that.
520
00:26:53,676 --> 00:26:56,244
Yes, you're right, Patricia.
521
00:26:56,245 --> 00:26:59,815
I don't care how we
came by this information,
522
00:26:59,816 --> 00:27:02,584
Our duty is to protect the public,
523
00:27:02,585 --> 00:27:06,221
And great thundering thyroids,
that's what we're going to do.
524
00:27:07,657 --> 00:27:09,892
Let's get the swine.
525
00:27:12,194 --> 00:27:14,596
( man mimicking turkey )
526
00:27:20,737 --> 00:27:23,004
Fly, turkey, fly!
527
00:27:25,942 --> 00:27:29,144
Approach the fowl.
528
00:27:31,147 --> 00:27:33,315
- Raymond!
- Inspector Grim,
529
00:27:33,316 --> 00:27:35,484
This is supposed to
be a secret initiation,
530
00:27:35,485 --> 00:27:37,986
You can't invite your friends.
531
00:27:39,322 --> 00:27:41,890
Close the turkey's legs,
532
00:27:41,891 --> 00:27:46,061
It's bottom shall not be kissed tonight.
533
00:27:48,832 --> 00:27:52,801
Oh, what a strange and dispiriting day.
534
00:27:52,802 --> 00:27:55,370
I got everything wrong.
535
00:27:55,371 --> 00:27:57,940
You did you best, Raymond,
that's all you can do.
536
00:27:57,941 --> 00:28:00,342
I can't seem to get anything right.
537
00:28:00,343 --> 00:28:02,410
Well see how you
go with this one-
538
00:28:02,411 --> 00:28:05,013
Between me and the mayoress,
539
00:28:05,014 --> 00:28:07,182
Who do you find most exciting?
540
00:28:07,183 --> 00:28:10,118
Why Patricia, what an absurd question.
541
00:28:10,119 --> 00:28:12,821
You of course. How
could it be otherwise?
542
00:28:12,822 --> 00:28:15,757
What about between me and a
plate of bread and butter pudding?
543
00:28:16,993 --> 00:28:19,027
Hmmm.
544
00:28:20,396 --> 00:28:24,432
Would that be with
custard, or without custard?
545
00:28:24,433 --> 00:28:26,468
Well I'll cover myself
in custard if you like,
546
00:28:26,469 --> 00:28:28,871
But you've got to promise
to take your bed socks off.
43824
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.