All language subtitles for The Thin Blue Line - S02E02 - Ism Ism Ism

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Good evening, everybody.

Never judge a book by its cover,

Particularly if that cover
quotes an obscure journal

Claiming it to be the
best book ever written.

I made that mistake recently

And found myself reading
a book about drugs and sex,

Which are scarcely suitable
subjects for fiction.

If I hadn't been on a
stopping train to Aberystwyth,

I should have cast
the thing aside unread.

Appearances, as we shall see,

Are like bus timetables...

Often highly misleading.

( theme music playing )

Raymond, there's something
I need to discuss with you.

I see. And are you addressing
me as your commanding officer,

- Or as your boyfriend?
- Does it make a difference?

Certainly it makes a difference. The public
pays me to be your commanding officer,

It does not pay me to be your boyfriend.

If you were to ask me a
boyfriend question like,

"I think I've left the gas
on at home, what shall I do?"

I should feel unable to
answer until lunchtime.

By which time our house
would have exploded.

Making it a police matter with
which I would feel justified

In dealing on police time.

I see.

Well, I suppose this
is a matter of advice.

And I would like you to
answer partly as my commander,

And partly as my boyfriend.

Good, well that seems simple enough.

I shall give you my police answer now,

For which of course, the
public will be paying me,

And I shall give you my
personal answer over lunch,

For which I will
expect no reimbursement,

Other than the satisfaction
of being your helpmeet.

Right. Well, here's my problem.

If you know something is wrong,

But the method by which you
know it is wrong is also wrong,

Is it right to right the
wrong? Or wrong to do right?

Because the real wrong is that it
was not right to know the wrong,

And so righting the
wrong cannot be right.

Yes, I see.

Well, speaking as your
commanding officer,

I'm afraid I don't quite follow.

- ( knocking on door )
- Sir, the town hall's on the line.

The mayoress wants to come
see you this lunchtime.

- ( gasps ) Dame Christabel Wickham!
- I'll take this.

Dame Christabel, you're a stuck-up tart

Why don't you bog off and die.

Dame Christabel, there is a
female lunatic in my office.

Get off, you female
lunatic. How dare you insult

Gasforth's most
distinguished public servant?

Restrain her, somebody... Ohh!

It's for your own good, madam.

Give me back that phone, I
said give me back that phone.

Constable, constable...

Yes, sir? Remove her
to a caring institution

Where she can receive the
treatment she so clearly needs.

That I will do, sir.

She's gone.

Hello? Oh my god, she's rung off!

No, sir, she was never on.

I haven't put her through yet.

Oh, I see.

Haaaaa.

Oh well- oh in that
case uh, just tell her

I should be delighted
to receive her, Habib.

- Most delighted.
- I'll try and strike the right tone, sir.

Now if you could kindly haul your mind

Back from your fantasies
of tight little skirts

And first-class
degrees from Oxbridge...

- Mmm?
- We were discussing my problem.

Yes. Look, Patricia,
would it be all right

If I ignored you completely?

Not at all, Raymond, I'll
just pretend we were in bed.

You see, the mayoress is coming

In only three and a half
hours and I must be prepared.

Oh damn, diddle and doo-dah!

This would be the week
when my nose-hair clippers

Are being resharpened
at the ironmongers.

Raymond, this is serious.

I've been studying the weekend tapes

Of the town center
closed-circuit tv cameras.

There's something I'm very worried
about. Now will you please concentrate?

In that flat, the
window above the shop-

Patricia, that is a private
dwelling. We have no right-

I know, but look. The figure
in the skirt and the man-

He's raising his hand
above his head, look!

He's hitting her with
some kind of weapon.

Great trumpeting trousers, so he is!

The unutterable swine,
the cowardly, custardy cad!

That man must be brought to book.

But we only know about
the woman's problems

Through intrusive
electronic surveillance.

- We're in a very difficult position.
- Yes, that's true.

Ooh, you've put me on
the horns of a dilemma.

One horn is personal inclination,

The other horn is stern duty.

Well I'm quite pleased, really.

It's a long time since I put
you on any sort of horn at all.

Don't be so saucy, Patricia.

Besides which, it's just not true.

I find you enormously exciting.

But then I find bread and
butter pudding exciting.

And I wouldn't want a
portion every night, would I?

Constable
Boyle-

Would you mind if I held
your hand for a while?

- Eh?
- Give me your hand, I want to hold it.

And tease it with me forefinger.

Steady, sir.

It's the secret
handshake I'm practicing.

Oh, I see, you're joining the masons?

No, they knocked me back last year.

Said me knees were too knobbly.

Bloody masons- look after
their own, promote their own,

Cover up for their own...

Well, you can see why I wanted to join.

Anyway, stuff the masons,
I'm going one better.

I'm joining the todgers.

The secret, most noble, medieval order

Of the masonic lodge todgers.

- Better costumes, better
ceremonies- - better nepotism.

Exactly. I'm not gonna fanny
about in Gasforth forever.

And if putting on a dress once a week

And occasionally kissing
a dead turkey's bottom

Is the price I have
to pay, then so be it.

Well you make sure it's
properly plucked, sir.

In my experience turkey
bristle can be very coarse.

Your ex-girlfriend's here.

For the final time, Patricia, the
mayoress was never my girlfriend.

We just went to the same grammar school.

I can tell when you fancy
someone, your nose twitches.

Can't wait around all day,
Raymond, I've got a town to run.

Yes, of course, dame Chrissy.

Please, take a seat.

I do apologize for my
sergeant's tardiness.

Was there something, sergeant?

Tea, sergeant, close
the door behind you.

I'll come straight to the point,
Raymond- serious situation.

My cute little derrière
is in your hands.

Gasforth is harboring
an illegal asylum seeker.

His time runs out at the end of the week

And you'll be required to
arrest him for deportation.

The problem is that there is an observer

From the European
parliament in town as well.

Well that's no concern of
mine. I serve her majesty,

Not some soggy Brussels sprout.

The point is that there have
been so many reports recently

About thuggery and racism in the police,

That P.R.-Wise, we're vulnerable.

You have to work on your image.

When you nick this sniveling alien,

I want to be able to show
that greasy euro-bastard

Just how tolerant and balanced we are.

Fowler; so-
racism, sexism,

Homoeroticaphobia...

...Ism, and the police.

- Who would like to start the discussion?
- I would, sir.

You astonish me, constable Habib.

I could not be more surprised if my
hat had turned into a giant hedgehog.

I'd like to talk about
sir Paul Condon's report

About policing and race, sir.

Ah, well that sounds like a good idea.

Which part of the report
would you like to discuss?

I'm talking about his
decision to make public

The statistic that street
crime and mugging in the capital

Are disproportionately
committed by young black men.

And you disapprove of this statement?

Yes, I think
he's being a-

- Yes, Habib?
- Well I always try to be nice, sir.

So I'll just say, it
rhymes with trucking tanker.

Kindly restrain your poetry, Habib.

I notice he didn't add
that young black blokes

Find it much more
difficult to get a job.

Which came first, the
chicken or the egg?

- I know, I know.
- You do, Goody?

- So what is the answer?
- Because it wanted to get to the other side.

Be quiet, Goody!

The chief constable can
only report facts, Habib.

It is not his duty to enter
into socio-political analysis

As to why those facts have come about.

- Give a dog a bad name...
- We gave our dog a bad name-

Colin.

Terrible name.

You have no idea how many
people are called Colin.

We'd go to the park, I'd
shout, "come here, Colin,"

And 15 people would turn round.

And big people too, sir.

I mean, for some reason, it's the
big lads that get called Colin.

I mean, I'd shout,
"Colin, you're a bad boy.

I just saw you do a kaka

And now I'm going to
rub your nose in it."

The next thing I knew, I'd
wake up in an ambulance.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, excuse me, sir,

But aren't we wandering from the point?

Yes indeed we are. Well done, Goody.

Yes, because we were talking
about chickens, not dogs.

No the point
is- oh- ah...

- What was the point? - Paul Condon
demonizing the children of immigrants.

Exactly- no,
no it is not.

Sir Paul Condon was in
possession of certain facts.

Is he to withhold those facts
because he doesn't like them?

He withholds plenty, sir.

I expect he's got an idea how many
bent coppers there are in the met,

How many freemasons, but he doesn't
think the public need to know about that.

We are discussing the
problems of race, Habib.

Sir Paul
Condon can not-

Why are you sniggering, boy?

- I'm not sniggering, sir.
- You are sniggering.

Well, I mean come on, sir.
The bloke's name is Condon.

I don't see anything remotely
amusing about that, Goody.

Oh come now, sir, I think you do.

No I don't, Goody.

But sir, it sounds
exactly like "condom."

You can see them
on the news, sir-

"the metropolitan police
chief, sir Paul Condon..."

And you know that newsreader's thinking,

"I hope I don't say 'condom'
I hope I don't say 'condom'..."

Be quiet, you imbecile.

- We are discussing racism.
- Ooh, I know all about racism, sir.

My mother prepared me for it.

Ah, she explained to you the
sad truth of irrational hatred.

No, she beat me and called me names.

Yes, thank you for sharing
that with us, Gladstone.

Grim: Listen to 'em.

It gets right on my raving titties.

I mean I'm no racist, I don't
mind people coming over here,

But when they do,
they should be like us.

People don't want a load of
weird customs and funny clothes.

Right, I put the hood on, see.

And I kiss the turkey with
my head between my legs.

I'll show you, I'll squat on
the desk to make it easier.

Now, I need a hood. I'll use
the bag I brought the bird in.

It's a frozen one from tina's freezer.

Okay...

You line up the fowl...

Well, I wouldn't kiss
it if I were you, sir.

It's still a bit chilly, your
lips might stick to its bum.

Well, breathe on it first.

What are you lot staring at?

We were just celebrating
the rich diversity

Of culture in our station.

I confess I had not expected to see it

Quite so graphically illustrated.

Oh yeah, well I don't like culture.

- I beg your pardon?
- Bleedin' ballet and opera,

Especially when they
spend lottery money on it.

Wasting the working man's bet

On fat screeching old bags from Italy

Singing like they got piles,

Or some bunch of scrawny bints in tutus

Called Darcy and Tilda,

Flashing their gussets at
a lot of horny perverts.

Art? Culture? Staring
at posh birds' knickers,

That's all "swan bleeding
lake" boils down to.

They should use all the money

For kiddies with incurable diseases.

When me and my Tina
buy our lottery ticket

Out of the goodness
of our heart-

And in the hope of winning £20 million.

-Yes, and we want to know
that by winning £20 million

We will be helping little kiddies.

Not haughty, hoity-
stick-it-up-your-toity,

High-and-mighty,
tight-nosed,

Toffee-arsed,
sun-dried-tomato-eating,

La-di-da-di
la-di-dahs.

Yes, well let us hope that
some of the lottery money

Goes to aiding the incurably insane.

In which case you'll
get your money back.

Habib is right
about one thing-

The police cannot fight racism
if we are racist ourselves.

It would be very much a matter
of the pot calling the kettle...

Um...

Uh...

African-american.

So- how
racist are we?

Well, in order to find out,
I propose to be a Martian.

Imagine that I've just beamed down in
my space podule and joined the police.

Excuse me, sir... If you just
beamed down in your podule,

You wouldn't be joining anything

You'd be detained under the immigration
act, and stuck in a transit camp.

- I have applied for asylum.
- What are your grounds?

I am a martian dissident, Habib,

Who has incurred the displeasure
of the martian authorities,

By protesting against the americans

Taking any more fuzzy photographs
of our gaseous emissions.

If I return to Mars I will be murdered.

The home office will expect you
to prove you'll be murdered, sir.

The normal method is to send you back

And if you get murdered, they'll
admit you were telling the truth.

All right, I have
beamed down in my podule,

Applied for asylum,

Been refused, taken refuge in a church,

And become the focus of
a major protest campaign

Funded by a charity concert
performed by unpleasant comedians

Who think it's clever to swear.

I have appealed against
deportation and lost,

Both in the high court
and in the house of lords,

But won at the court
of justice in the Hague.

I have married a sweet
girl from Solihull

Who did not object to my
three enormous pulsating heads

With sticky out veins all over them,

I have settled in Gasforth,
done my A-levels at night school,

Bought a secondhand Datsun cherry
and joined the police force.

Satisfied?

Well, it's not up to me, sir.
It's up to the home office.

Well they are delighted.

Now, perhaps we can move on.

Try if you would, to
picture your new colleague.

Martians, as we all know,

Are green and called Zog.

I've already mentioned
the three enormous heads,

Add to this 15-inch
long pulsating fingers,

Multiple legs and a
flashing belly button.

It's my first day in the service

And I'm about to enter
the briefing room.

You'll have to imagine the
multiple heads and the legs

And the flashing belly button.

( making alien sounds )

Hello.

My name is constable Zog.

I'm patrolling the beat with you today.

I hope we shall be friends.

All right, Goody, what
would be your reaction?

- I'm just trying to imagine it now.
- Good, good.

These three
heads-

Do you have a helmet on each one?

Yes, yes, if you like. Just
greet me, boy, greet me.

Hello, hello, hello.

And so my point is illustrated.

Goody can only consider my shape.

Ah- not
so, sir.

I'm also thinking
about how green you are.

And that is not acceptable
either. You must be color-blind.

I think you should be
celebrating your greenness,

- Not hoping that we'll ignore it.
- Yes, you're right, Habib.

I must be more assertive.
Right, here we go.

Hello, I'm Zog, I'm from Mars.

Get used to it.

Hello, hello, I'm Kevin from
just outside Basingstoke,

And give me five, no
give me 10, no 15, 20-

Yes all right, just sit down, Goody.

Sit down.

Now Goody...

Now Goody, this is my first day at work.

- I'm your new colleague-
- welcome, welcome, welcome.

Thank you. You've got a cup of tea...

- Yes.
- ...I've got three cups of cocoa.

Now, what friendly tips
could you pass on to me?

- Absolutely honestly?
- Yes.

Right, I'd say this-

Watch out for inspector
Fowler, he's a grumpy old git

And given half a chance
he'll whip your Curly Wurly.

Look, we are deviating from the point.

I'm simply trying to
establish that all men,

Be they Martian,
Mauritian, or Mancunian,

- Are born equal.
- All men?

Huh! So this Martian is a sexist, is he?

- Surprise, surprise. - Look, we are not
talking about anybody's sex, Habib.

Sex with a Martian, sounds great to me.

Not to me. Three head saying,

"I've got a headache, I've got
a headache, I've got a headache."

Mind you, those pulsating
fingers sound all right.

This Martian is asexual, Habib.

A sexual machine if you ask me.

You said so yourself, sir, you've got
veins popping out all over your head.

What have you got lurking
between those multiple legs, sir?

Look, look, we are not
discussing sex or sexism.

I merely stated that all
men are created equal,

And by men, Habib, I mean of course,

Men and persons of the opposite sex.

Opposite sex? I'm sorry, sir,

But defining one sex in terms
of its position to the other

Is sexism, on Earth, Mars,
Saturn, or any other planet.

I've got a hilarious joke about Uranus.

No you don't, Goody. You know
a pathetic pun about my anus.

I mean your anus.

I mean the planet with the
rude name. Oh really, Habib,

Look how you've confused the boy.

Sexism is sexism, sir.

Right.

Patricia, I require your support.

Constable Habib and I are
discussing sexual positions.

And I want you to assure
her that I know only one.

Raymond, what are you talking about?

Sexual discrimination,
which is a scourge.

And I hope sergeant, that having
lived with me for 11 years,

You can vouch for the fact
that when it comes to women,

I'm not remotely discriminating.

Fowler, can you keep
your fannying about down?

Police work is about villains, not isms.

And what ism ever mugged an old lady?

What ism ever robbed a bank?

What ism ever held a
gun to someone's head?

Terrorism.

Yeah, all right.

And what ism ever threatened
the security of the state?

Marxism.

What ism ever hurt anybody?

- Sadism.
- Boyle!

Isms are a very important part
of police work, inspector Grim.

People of all races
and sexual orientations

Must feel at home at
Gasforth police station.

White people, black people,

- Heterosexuals...
- Well of course, we're not bigots.

- ...Homosexualists-
- steady on.

Yes. Gay sexuals should be
able to serve her majesty

Without fear of harassment.

It's all part of this
creeping, crawling,

Poncey, namby,
stick-it-up-your-pansy...

Pardon me for being a fascist,

But I don't happen to
have time to discuss

Interior design, quiche recipes

And Kylie Minogue hits
with constable Whoopsie.

I have important police work.

The lodge master of my todgers
is coming to check me out

Before my initiation test.

Yes, well I strongly disapprove
of secret societies, Grim.

If a man cannot be
proud of his allegiances,

And state them openly, then I fear
they must be of questionable value.

You do not find me
concealing my membership

Of Gasforth amateur dramatic society

Behind silly movements
and trousers at half-mast.

Except of course,
when we do "brigadoon."

Yeah, well when I'm
a chief superintendent

At Scotland Yard, you'll be sorry.

If that day should ever
dawn, inspector Grim,

We'll all be sorry.

I'm not looking forward to
nicking this illegal alien today.

I mean my parents are immigrants.

I understand your feelings, constable,

But your parents were
legal, that's the point.

- And they are now British.
- I'm British, sir.

But I've been told
to go home many times.

"Britain for the
British," people have said.

But I mean what is British?

Everyone's the child of an
immigrant at some point...

- And most of them illegal.
- Are they?

Well, yes, I mean if
you go back far enough.

The Normans were illegal
immigrants, weren't they?

Yes I suppose they were.

Do think they kept their wedding
tackle inside their chain-mail?

No chance. William the conqueror?

More like William the bunkerer.

Yes, yes.

Do you know I've often wondered why

King William was called William.

What?

Well, everyone else in
his army was called Norman.

Constable Gladstone made a good point.

The appalling truth is, I've
got a bit of frenchman in me.

Well, if we're talking
about illegal immigrants,

What about the Vikings? It wasn't
just their helmets that were horny.

And before them there was the Romans.

Those latin lovers
were here for 300 years.

How do you think they passed the time?

Latin declension?

Have it off, have it up, have it often.

Be quiet, Habib.

Really, you girls today,
you're worse than the lads.

This country's always been absorbing
different cultures, different tribes.

Although invaders have tended
to steer clear of the Scots.

Nobody wanted to go there, I suppose.

Boiled oats and sheep stomach

Are scarcely likely to appeal to
the French or Italians, are they?

And they're certainly hard fighters.

If you live in a country where
the thistles are waist-high

An nobody's invented trousers, you're
going to toughen up a bit, aren't you?

Oh well, like it or not, sir,

Britain is a melting pot.

Yes, well none of this relieves us

Of a very difficult
duty. Come on, everybody.

Ha, the police. So, you have come.

I'm sorry, sir, you'll
have to come with us.

What are you doing? You can't do this.

- Hey- - stay where you are,
sir. I'm sorry, I have my duty.

- Habib and Goody, put him in the van.
- Yes, sir.

- But this is an outrage!
- Come along, sir.

Uh, the arrest was carried out swiftly

And without resort to force.

The most demanding of civil libertarians

Could not have failed to be satisfied.

Well done, Raymond, an
excellent piece of work.

You know, I think we need to schedule

Some private meetings
to discuss your future.

After all,

We haven't had a private
meeting since school.

Do you think your hands
will have warmed up by now...

- Feely?
- ( giggles )

Sir, I'm afraid this
gentlemen wants to have a word.

Ah, here he is.

This is our illegal asylum seeker.

I don't think so, inspector.

Our man's white, he's from Chechnya.

Who's this?

My name is Mustafa Dalcroix,

European commissioner for human rights

And a French national.

A Frenchman?

In my station?

You - you
British, uh?

No wonder we all hate you.

Your chocolate isn't chocolatey enough,

Your bananas are too long and bendy,

You insist on eating
prawn cocktail crisps

Despite the fact that
we have told you not to.

And now it turns out that your policemen

Think all black people
are illegal immigrants.

Whoops.

I intend to lodge a full report

On this appalling display
of bigotry and ignorance.

- Au revoir. -
Monsieur Dalcroix-

We have a grant application.

This appalling racist
will be fully disciplined.

Oh, what a dreadful error.

We all make mistakes, sir.

Nothing I could do could make
amends for a day like this.

( sighs ) There's
always my horny dilemma.

You could have a stab at that.

Yes, you're right, Patricia.

I don't care how we
came by this information,

Our duty is to protect the public,

And great thundering thyroids,
that's what we're going to do.

Let's get the swine.

( man mimicking turkey )

Fly, turkey, fly!

Approach the fowl.

- Raymond!
- Inspector Grim,

This is supposed to
be a secret initiation,

You can't invite your friends.

Close the turkey's legs,

It's bottom shall not be kissed tonight.

Oh, what a strange and dispiriting day.

I got everything wrong.

You did you best, Raymond,
that's all you can do.

I can't seem to get anything right.

Well see how you
go with this one-

Between me and the mayoress,

Who do you find most exciting?

Why Patricia, what an absurd question.

You of course. How
could it be otherwise?

What about between me and a
plate of bread and butter pudding?

Hmmm.

Would that be with
custard, or without custard?

Well I'll cover myself
in custard if you like,

But you've got to promise
to take your bed socks off.