All language subtitles for That.70s.Show.S07E22.1080p.BluRay.x264-YELLOWBiRD

Hey, great news. I'm on my
way to becoming a teacher.

I filled out all my college
applications in red pen.

That's a little...

It's like a little teacher joke.

Well, now, look at him,

out of bed and doing something
productive before noon.

Honey, you're like a Marine.

A Marine? The only time
I ever saw him storm a beach

was when he was
running away from a jellyfish.

Dad, all I need from you now
is a financial statement,

so the school can see where
I'm getting the old moolah.

Oh, well, bad news, I...

I spent your college money
to keep the muffler shop going.

- What?
- This is really weird.

Because my parents, instead
of paying for my college,

bought me a muffler.

Dad, how am I supposed
to pay for college?

Look, with this damn mild
winter, nobody's muffler rusted.

I tried to rust them.

I went out at night and
sprinkled salt all over the streets.

Not my good kosher salt?

Yes, Kitty, I sprinkled
the streets of Point Place

with your
half-pound bag of salt.

Wait, Mom, you knew about this?
And you just said, "Please, go ahead.

"Take my son's college money
and use it on a muffler shop"?

No.

I think your father asked me if I
thought you would amount to anything,

and I said,
"I really, really hope so."

And then he said, "I'm spending Eric's
college money on my muffler shop."

And then I made the best
blueberry cobbler I have ever made.

- Man, that was good.
- Best cobbler ever.

Huh! I remember that cobbler.

I always wondered why,
when I said it was so good,

you said, "At least I can give
you this," and started to cry.

Well, look at the bright side.

There's always a place for you
at a failing muffler shop.

So, the upshot is I have
absolutely no money for college.

Eric, don't worry, there are plenty
of ways to get money for school.

Yeah, man, you could always
get a football scholarship.

Hey, look, he weighs about
as much as a football,

and people do like to kick him.

I know what you should do.

You should go to Hollywood
and become the next Gene Wilder.

That guy's a laugh riot.

Eric, you should go see Mr.
Bray.

Finding money for college is what
high school guidance counselors do.

Yeah, they also spend a lot of time
staring at themselves in the mirror saying,

"I can't believe I'm a high
school guidance counselor."

I don't know about Mr. Bray. I
don't think he really liked me.

One time I told him I was
being bullied, and he just said,

"What'd you expect?"

All right, I'll go with you.
He'll help. He totally loved me,

in almost entirely
appropriate ways.

Okay, I'm breaking up with Angie.
All we have anymore is hot sex.

Hot sex?
All I have is hot soup.

Can't make love to that.

Too damn hot.

So, Kelso, you gonna break
up with her your usual way?

Send a note saying you got
kidnapped by kung fu robots?

No, it won't work with her.

She doesn't even believe in
kung fu robots.

- Just gonna have
to talk to her.
- Whoa.

Kelso, you never break
up with a girl to her face.

You usually have me
tell her you're dead.

And then when she eventually sees
you, you have me tell her you're a ghost.

Michael, why don't you do
what you did with me?

Toilet paper my house.

No, I can't do that to Angie.

I respect her too much 'cause she
agreed to have sex with me so fast.

Look,
I don't care how you do it.

I'm just happy you won't be
violating my sister anymore.

Yeah, I know you hated it, Hyde.

I would have broken up with her
sooner if I didn't find it so hilarious.

Dude, you be nice
or I will marry her.

♪ Hanging out

♪ Down the street

♪ The same old thing

♪ We did last week

♪ Not a thing to do

♪ But talk to you

♪ We're all all right

♪ We're all all right ♪

Hello, Wisconsin!

- I'm so glad you
came by, Daddy.
- Well, I missed you guys.

I'm not just your rich boss,
I'm also your rich dad.

In fact, everyone related to me,
grab some cash from the register.

I've already been in there
once today, but you're the boss.

Okay, I can do this.

I'm just gonna tell Angie that
things are fizzling between us

and we should end it.

- Hey, how's it going, sweets?
- Not bad, toots.

Oh, him. Go, go.

Okay, we need to
talk about something.

This might be
kind of hard to take.

Fez still wets the bed.

- What?
- Ew!

At least we're still together.
I'll see you later.

I'm going to wet your bed.

Hey, Angie,
can you recommend a record?

Something Dean Martin-y
but not Dean Martin.

'Cause I don't like that he
didn't wave to me in Atlantic City.

Well, I don't know much
about Dean Martin,

but I do know that the top-selling
record this week is Blondie.

A broad, huh?

- She jazzy?
- Well, I know she's blonde.

Here you go,
Bob, try this Joey Bishop.

He swings like Dean,
but he'll wave at anybody.

Good job knowing
the number one album, honey.

I love watching you in action,

because the more you work,
the less I have to.

Well, I'm just trying to get ready
for the day you kick the bucket

and I get everything.

Just like her mother.

Oh, my God, I can't believe I have to
tell my high school guidance counselor

that I spent
an entire year doing nothing.

He's gonna think
I'm such a loser.

Oh, Donna,
let's tell him it's you.

No, you're a much
more believable loser.

Oh, come on, he won't
judge you. He loves you.

I mean,
jeez, he asked you to prom.

Okay, let's see... Donna.

What a pleasant,

pleasant surprise.

Jeez, you've done something
different with your hair since the prom.

Yeah, you noticed.

Well, I notice everything
about all my students.

I, like, put on a little weight.

And you are?

Eric

Forman,

1977's most improved mathlete.

Oh, right. Oh, yeah.
I'm sorry, Eric.

I just figured the bullies
had gotten you.

Anyway, Donna here is looking
for some college scholarships.

Well, Donna,
you've come to the right place

because I am an expert
at college scholarships,

as well as
the affairs of the heart.

Why don't you have just a
little seat right here, young lady.

Thank you.

I guess I'll...

Great.

So, Donna, to figure out what
scholarships you're eligible for,

I'll have to know what
you've done for the last year.

Oh! Um...

Well, not a lot.

I read comic books,

- acted out movies
with my dolls...
- Action figures.

Okay, you always insist that
they are called action figures.

You know, if Eric had told me he
had wasted a whole year of his life,

I wouldn't be surprised.
But you?

I know, I'm just as
surprised as you are.

It has been a long, ugly fall,
very hard to watch.

In fact,
just between you and me,

she's even gotten into a
little bit of the smoky, smoky.

All right.

Screw this.

The scholarship is for him.
Eric, good luck.

Mr. Bray, my coming here
was not an invitation

to start driving
by my house again.

Hey, my mother
lives right next door.

I live right next door.

Oh, well.

How's Mother?

Oh, my God, you guys,
I just got a promotion.

Daddy says I've been
doing such a great job

that he wants me to move to Milwaukee
and help run the corporate office.

Wait, what about Steven?
He's the one doing the great job.

You just sit around doing your nails
and making smart-ass comments.

Jackie, that's you.

Yeah, well,
it's annoying now, isn't it?

How'd you get a promotion? You
don't know anything about music.

Last week a guy came
in asking for KISS,

you called him "pervert"
and slapped him in the face.

Well, did your dad say
anything about Steven?

I don't know, I just heard
the word "promotion,"

and I got a little dizzy
and sort of blacked out.

It was awesome.

Well, here's the America I know,

the person who can't do
anything rises to the top,

while the guy who's working
his ass off gets nothing.

Are you supposed to be the guy
that works his ass off?

Don't make this more
complicated than it has to be.

Jackie, listen,

I need some advice on
breaking up with girls, okay?

And you've been broken up with
a lot, and several times by me.

So what didn't you like?

Oh. Uh...

The lying, the cheating,
the sneaking around.

Oh, and I also didn't like Fez trying
to make out with me five minutes later.

Well, then you're
really not gonna like this.

Look, I don't know
how to break up with Angie.

Well, why don't you try to
figure out how to do it kindly,

maturely, respectfully.

Yeah, that sounds nice.

I think I'm just gonna sleep
with her best friend.

Okay, I actually got some great
news from the guidance counselor.

There's this program where you go and
teach in an impoverished area for a year,

and then they pay
for your college.

I signed up.

- Eric, that's perfect.
- That's wonderful.

See, I knew spending your college
money would work out for the best.

You're welcome.

So, what impoverished area
will you go to?

Is it East Milwaukee?

I made a wrong turn there once and
I ended up in an awful neighborhood.

There were kids playing radios
on a street corner.

No.
I'm not going to Milwaukee.

- So, where then?
- Africa.

Africa, Wisconsin?

You're going to teach in Africa?

What are you gonna teach them?
How to get eaten by an ostrich?

Mom, an ostrich?

I saw a documentary.

They are vicious,
cruel creatures.

Well, I think it's great he's going
to Africa. It'll make him a man.

You think the only way
to become a man is to die.

How are you gonna feel when
your son gets killed by a lion

or a disease-carrying fly?

You get killed by a fly, I'm
not buying you a headstone.

You can't go to Africa.

They don't even
have ketchup there.

You put ketchup on everything.

You'll starve to death.

Can you believe
how much she's freaking out?

No, I cannot believe that someone
you supposedly love is upset

that you decided to go to Africa
without considering her feelings at all.

See? Donna understands.

So, there's a problem with my
sleeping-with-Angie's-best-friend plan.

Angie's best friend is Hyde.

You know what we
may have to do here?

The dark room switch.

You will make love to her in a dark room,
halfway through you will excuse yourself.

Then I'll come in, pretend
to be you, and finish the job.

- How does that fix my problem?
- I was working on my problem.

You guys, Donna's totally
freaking out about this Africa thing.

She won't return
any of my calls.

I think I have a solution.

The dark room switch.

Look, man, tell Donna
to just lay off, okay?

Africa is gonna be awesome.

You know, they have this bug over
there that burrows into your brain,

and it lays,
like, a thousand eggs.

And then, when the eggs hatch,

they, like, shoot out of your
head like little worm bullets.

Kelso,
those worms aren't in Africa.

They're on the planet Zorgon,

which is from a comic book
that you wrote.

Just trying to
generate a little buzz.

WB, what the hell
were you thinking?

I don't know, I thought I'd try
a new thing with my shoulders.

Look, he means, why did
you promote that whore, Angie?

- You mean my daughter Angie?
- I stand by my statement.

You can't hit a girl.

Look, if this is about me
not being professional,

I've already told you, bottle
rocket Friday nights are over.

Steven, I'm moving Angie to Milwaukee
to get her away from the customers.

I love my little girl, but you're the
one who should be running that store.

So, it's yours.

Whoa.

- Thanks, man.
- Oh,
my God, I own a record store!

No, I own a record store.

Actually, I own a record store.

I own one-third
of a record store.

Moving Angie here is
gonna work out for everybody.

See, I just got into this
real snooty country club,

and they don't think
I'm gonna be there much.

But I'm gonna be there all day,
every day, and I'm bringing friends.

So I need somebody around
here looking after things,

while I'm out making
white people uncomfortable.

Hello? Oh, hi.

How are you?

I'm Eric's guidance counselor. I just
came over with some papers for him.

You look familiar.
Do you live around here?

'Cause I see you drive up
and down the street all the time.

Yeah, well, I see you emptying
your trash in your bathrobe all the time,

but I keep it to myself, okay?

Eric, I brought you a brochure
with some survival tips on Africa.

Funny, they don't have brochures
with survival tips on Wisconsin.

That's because death isn't
hiding behind every bush.

- Mom, please.
- I'm sorry if Eric's
trip has upset anyone.

- It's upset everyone.
- I'm not upset,
I'm tickled pink.

What about Donna?
How's Donna doing?

I don't know.
She's not even talking to me.

Yeah, well,
you know, sometimes I think

she just kind of lets her fiery
emotions get the best of her.

But I think maybe a gentle word
from me might just calm her down,

or send her into
the arms of someone else.

No, you know what?
You're not gonna talk to her.

I'm gonna go talk to her.

So, you guys have a daughter?

Angie.

I've been thinking about this all
day, and I finally worked up the nerve,

and I think we
need to talk about us.

Michael,
I'm breaking up with you.

How dare you?

I'm moving to Milwaukee.

Well, when were you gonna
tell me, you know, your boyfriend?

Come on, you know things
were sort of fizzling anyways.

Fizzling?
How can you even say that?

What about all the times you said
that I was really, really good-looking?

Michael,
it's over, but know this,

when I said you were
good-looking, I really meant it.

You know what? You got
a lot of growing up to do.

- Hey.
- Don't you "hey" me.

My daughter stayed home
from college for you.

She could've had
a bright future.

Sure, she wouldn't be president
of a company or anything

'cause she's a gal.

But she would have been
one hell of a secretary.

Okay, look,
Donna, I know you're upset...

Eric, if you wanna break up
with me, just go ahead and do it.

What? No. Donna, I'm
not breaking up with you.

Really? Well, did you consider me at all
before you decided to run away to Africa?

Okay, look, Donna,

the reason I'm
doing this is for us.

Okay, so I can go to college,
and get a job, you know.

So I can deserve you.

Don't give me that crap,
you're doing it for you.

Donna, when my dad got sick
and I had to stay at home,

I thought I'd
missed my only chance.

But this is it.
This is my second chance.

And you're always saying
how I gotta get out of this town,

how I gotta start my life.

God, I thought if anyone was gonna
support me in this, it was gonna be you.

So, good. Go start it.

Look, I really just
don't wanna fight about this.

What do you wanna do?

Movie?

And then what?

I vote the thing
we usually do after a movie.

What's the point of that?

Well, I don't know. I think
that's really its own reward.

I think you need to leave.

- Donna, I'm not gonna...
- She said get out.

I know 'cause I was
listening the whole time.

Okay, fine.

You still got me, cupcake.

Thanks, Dad.

If it makes you feel any
better, he's gonna be sorry.

I read some place that in Africa they
got a bug that burrows in your brain

and shoots out your eyes
like worm bullets.

Okay, Angie, Kelso feels that you
two should have one last night together.

And he wants it to be special, so
it will take place in this dark room,

and for a minute you may
think, "Hey, this is not Kelso."

But that's just
the liquor talking.

I forgot to mention you will
need to drink a lot of liquor.

You going to get the liquor now?

Okay, I'll wait.