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1
00:00:03,588 --> 00:00:06,758
Hey, Fez, you know what was
awesome? That time you rode that tree.
2
00:00:07,634 --> 00:00:09,594
How did he ride a tree?
3
00:00:09,636 --> 00:00:12,012
Oh, he climbed it,
Kelso cut it down.
4
00:00:13,932 --> 00:00:15,767
You guys have a million stories.
5
00:00:15,809 --> 00:00:18,412
And you know each other so well.
It's like you have your own language.
6
00:00:18,436 --> 00:00:20,981
I don't even understand
half the things you say.
7
00:00:21,021 --> 00:00:25,025
If you understand anything that
Fez says, you're the only one. Burn!
8
00:00:27,445 --> 00:00:29,155
Oh, Kelso can't understand me?
9
00:00:29,197 --> 00:00:32,033
Now I know how it feels
to be a book. Oh, burn!
10
00:00:36,830 --> 00:00:40,082
See? Man, I wanna burn somebody
so I can be part of the gang.
11
00:00:40,124 --> 00:00:41,501
This gang?
12
00:00:41,543 --> 00:00:43,252
Angie, the only reason
this gang formed
13
00:00:43,294 --> 00:00:45,505
was because no one
would let us into their gang.
14
00:00:46,381 --> 00:00:48,800
We're like the chess club,
15
00:00:48,842 --> 00:00:51,177
but better looking and dumber.
16
00:00:56,098 --> 00:00:57,517
- Hey.
- Hey.
17
00:00:57,559 --> 00:00:59,978
Um, so was there something
you wanted to say to me
18
00:01:00,020 --> 00:01:01,340
the other day at
the record store?
19
00:01:02,355 --> 00:01:07,109
Oh, yeah. I wanted
to talk to you about Abba.
20
00:01:10,112 --> 00:01:11,112
Abba?
21
00:01:12,407 --> 00:01:14,743
No, you said you
wanted to talk about us.
22
00:01:14,784 --> 00:01:18,580
Right.
Our feelings about Abba.
23
00:01:20,874 --> 00:01:23,251
You know what? Good. Great.
24
00:01:23,292 --> 00:01:25,420
Believe me, I don't wanna
talk about us, either.
25
00:01:25,461 --> 00:01:26,880
Come on, Angie.
26
00:01:26,922 --> 00:01:29,683
We were supposed to open the
record store, ooh, about seven hours ago.
27
00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:34,679
You told me you
wanted to tell Hyde
28
00:01:34,721 --> 00:01:36,639
that you still love him
and you wanted him back.
29
00:01:36,681 --> 00:01:39,141
Yeah, well, it's obvious
he doesn't want me back.
30
00:01:39,183 --> 00:01:41,583
So you better not tell him
what I said or I'll be humiliated.
31
00:01:42,687 --> 00:01:44,022
My lips are a seal's.
32
00:01:47,316 --> 00:01:50,111
Wait, don't you mean
that your lips are sealed?
33
00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:52,906
I'm not hearing the difference.
34
00:01:54,699 --> 00:01:58,036
Great. Anyways, you guys,
I have huge news.
35
00:01:58,078 --> 00:02:01,039
You know how Point Place cable
has that public access channel?
36
00:02:01,081 --> 00:02:04,125
Yeah. Donna, didn't your dad do,
like, a belly dancing show there?
37
00:02:08,088 --> 00:02:11,758
He guest-hosted. Shut up.
38
00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:15,929
Anyways, I'm gonna have my own
show, just like Mary Tyler Moore.
39
00:02:15,971 --> 00:02:17,889
Oh, except I won't
stop for commercials
40
00:02:17,931 --> 00:02:21,434
'cause no one really wants
to take a break from me.
41
00:02:21,476 --> 00:02:22,995
I don't know.
That week you were in Florida,
42
00:02:23,019 --> 00:02:24,729
that was a nice, quiet week.
43
00:02:33,571 --> 00:02:35,364
Have you been in bed all day?
44
00:02:36,240 --> 00:02:37,366
Yeah, I have.
45
00:02:39,201 --> 00:02:42,705
I've been reading the Jack
Kerouac classic On The Road.
46
00:02:42,747 --> 00:02:45,834
See, as I see it,
why get out of bed
47
00:02:47,335 --> 00:02:49,629
when you can read about people
who got out of bed?
48
00:02:52,048 --> 00:02:55,426
You have got to be the laziest
non-communist I've ever met.
49
00:02:57,971 --> 00:03:01,349
And you are about to read
a book that my foot wrote.
50
00:03:02,851 --> 00:03:05,353
It's called On The RoadTo In Your Ass.
51
00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:12,192
Okay, now, Red, please let's hold
off on the cursing until happy hour.
52
00:03:15,155 --> 00:03:17,573
This year-off crap
better come to an end
53
00:03:17,615 --> 00:03:20,827
or I'm gonna put you in a box
and mail you to the Marines.
54
00:03:22,662 --> 00:03:24,246
Oh, don't worry, honey.
55
00:03:24,288 --> 00:03:26,958
Your father's too cheap
to mail something that heavy.
56
00:03:28,626 --> 00:03:31,504
He just wants you to have
some direction and so do I.
57
00:03:31,546 --> 00:03:36,509
And you are in luck because
I got the new issue of Cosmo.
58
00:03:36,551 --> 00:03:40,221
Oh, well, I'm just not sure I need
seven new ways to please my man.
59
00:03:46,186 --> 00:03:50,065
No. No. Honey,
it's a job aptitude test.
60
00:03:50,106 --> 00:03:53,275
Okay, question number one.
61
00:03:53,317 --> 00:03:55,695
"Do you consider
yourself creative?"
62
00:03:56,738 --> 00:03:59,115
- Well...
- Yes.
63
00:03:59,157 --> 00:04:01,409
You were a little wiz
at macaroni art.
64
00:04:02,911 --> 00:04:06,748
"Do you prefer to work alone
or with others?"
65
00:04:06,789 --> 00:04:09,042
- Alone.
- Nope, you love people.
66
00:04:10,543 --> 00:04:13,880
Okay, question three.
"Do you..." Oh, that's easy.
67
00:04:15,882 --> 00:04:18,801
Look, Mom, I'm happy
just enjoying my world.
68
00:04:18,843 --> 00:04:23,347
I'm like an explorer. I'm exactly
like Christopher Columbus.
69
00:04:23,389 --> 00:04:26,893
Except, you know, I've been
incredibly distracted by television.
70
00:04:29,270 --> 00:04:30,646
Okay. All done.
71
00:04:31,856 --> 00:04:33,983
Now, according to your answers,
72
00:04:37,779 --> 00:04:39,447
you should be a nurse!
73
00:04:44,285 --> 00:04:46,162
♪ Hanging out
74
00:04:48,081 --> 00:04:49,958
♪ Down the street
75
00:04:51,417 --> 00:04:53,544
♪ The same old thing
76
00:04:55,171 --> 00:04:57,298
♪ We did last week
77
00:04:58,549 --> 00:05:02,220
♪ Not a thing to do
78
00:05:02,929 --> 00:05:06,348
♪ But talk to you
79
00:05:06,390 --> 00:05:08,184
♪ We're all all right
80
00:05:08,226 --> 00:05:10,686
♪ We're all all right ♪
81
00:05:10,728 --> 00:05:12,897
Hello, Wisconsin!
82
00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:20,571
Okay, Fez, since you're
helping me with set dressing,
83
00:05:20,613 --> 00:05:23,074
I want the set to reflect
my sparkling personality.
84
00:05:23,116 --> 00:05:25,118
I want it to say "Jackie."
85
00:05:25,160 --> 00:05:27,578
Okay, let me see. Maybe
some glitter, a disco ball...
86
00:05:27,620 --> 00:05:29,998
Uh-huh. I want a big sign
that says "Jackie."
87
00:05:33,209 --> 00:05:35,086
I hate this room.
88
00:05:35,128 --> 00:05:37,130
It reminds me of my dad
dancing around half-naked
89
00:05:37,172 --> 00:05:38,506
with finger cymbals.
90
00:05:40,967 --> 00:05:43,385
Well, my show is
gonna be a news show.
91
00:05:43,427 --> 00:05:45,180
All-nude or just topless?
92
00:05:48,266 --> 00:05:50,143
Not nude, news.
93
00:05:50,185 --> 00:05:51,894
I'm not hearing the difference.
94
00:05:54,189 --> 00:05:57,084
Jackie, how are you gonna tell people
the news if you don't know any news?
95
00:05:57,108 --> 00:05:59,443
Well, I know all the news
that's really important,
96
00:05:59,485 --> 00:06:03,739
like, who's got a new car, what
store is having a sale on leggings,
97
00:06:03,781 --> 00:06:06,951
and if there'll ever be peace
in the Middle East.
98
00:06:09,912 --> 00:06:12,332
Who am I kidding?
No one cares about China.
99
00:06:19,922 --> 00:06:22,342
- Hey, Eric, can I have
some of your fries?
- Sure.
100
00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:24,426
Well, I don't want any. Burn!
101
00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:30,474
I think you're confusing
a burn with just talking.
102
00:06:35,437 --> 00:06:37,732
- Eric, can I have some fries?
- Yeah, help yourself.
103
00:06:40,735 --> 00:06:42,195
Burn!
104
00:06:45,740 --> 00:06:49,409
Yeah, I knew you were gonna
do that, so I spit in them. Burn!
105
00:06:54,332 --> 00:06:55,541
Totally.
106
00:06:55,583 --> 00:06:59,295
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
You ate his spit. Burn!
107
00:07:04,842 --> 00:07:07,427
That's a piggyback burn.
We don't do that.
108
00:07:09,847 --> 00:07:12,350
Come on, Angie. You've gotta
do inventory in the storeroom,
109
00:07:12,392 --> 00:07:15,561
and I gotta go
sleep behind a box.
110
00:07:15,603 --> 00:07:17,646
Man, you want to
catch a movie or something?
111
00:07:17,688 --> 00:07:20,566
Nah. I gotta go down
to the police academy.
112
00:07:20,608 --> 00:07:22,651
They're gonna teach me
what prisoners feel like.
113
00:07:22,693 --> 00:07:25,571
Guys are gonna handcuff me
to a flagpole for a few hours.
114
00:07:27,865 --> 00:07:30,576
It's not in the curriculum,
but they say it's required.
115
00:07:37,541 --> 00:07:41,879
Hey, uh, I'm sorry, are you reading
the new Mighty Spectaculous?
116
00:07:41,921 --> 00:07:44,382
Yeah. You a fan?
117
00:07:44,424 --> 00:07:47,051
"When trouble arrives
by car or bus...
118
00:07:47,093 --> 00:07:50,430
"...we summon
the Mighty Spectaculous!"
119
00:07:53,349 --> 00:07:56,394
- They call me Eric Forman.
- Stew Bailey.
120
00:07:56,436 --> 00:08:00,106
No relation to Beetle.
121
00:08:00,148 --> 00:08:03,210
Hey, Stew, I mean, if you're interested,
they're having a Spectaculous Spectacular
122
00:08:03,234 --> 00:08:06,612
down at
the Atomic Comic Book Nook.
123
00:08:06,654 --> 00:08:09,657
You're probably... You probably
have to get back to work or something.
124
00:08:09,698 --> 00:08:11,909
I don't have to be anywhere.
I don't have a job.
125
00:08:11,951 --> 00:08:13,619
How old are you?
126
00:08:13,661 --> 00:08:16,261
Well, let's just say I'm two years
older than Professor Revenge-O.
127
00:08:18,207 --> 00:08:19,500
Thirty-six.
128
00:08:22,044 --> 00:08:25,047
So then, Stew,
what do you do all day?
129
00:08:26,132 --> 00:08:27,508
You're looking at it.
130
00:08:29,551 --> 00:08:31,553
We're gonna be good friends.
131
00:08:39,603 --> 00:08:42,315
Fez, Jackie's show
is about to start.
132
00:08:42,357 --> 00:08:43,858
Aren't you supposed
to be helping her?
133
00:08:43,899 --> 00:08:46,194
She asked me to make a giant
sign with her name on it.
134
00:08:46,235 --> 00:08:47,820
So I said, "You got it, baby."
135
00:08:47,862 --> 00:08:50,406
So then, I went to
get some ice cream,
136
00:08:50,448 --> 00:08:52,950
and then I went to play
some Space Invaders,
137
00:08:52,992 --> 00:08:55,370
and then I came here
to watch the show.
138
00:08:58,873 --> 00:09:02,210
I could never be on TV,
unless it was Johnny Carson,
139
00:09:02,251 --> 00:09:06,547
because I have a very funny story
about a Cheeto that looked just like Jesus.
140
00:09:15,223 --> 00:09:16,516
So, Fez,
141
00:09:17,850 --> 00:09:20,311
you've been hanging out a lot
lately with Jackie.
142
00:09:20,353 --> 00:09:24,023
Any idea what she wanted to talk to me
about at the record store the other day?
143
00:09:24,065 --> 00:09:26,775
Um, I don't know. I was there.
I mean, I wasn't there.
144
00:09:26,817 --> 00:09:27,902
I, uh...
145
00:09:29,862 --> 00:09:31,822
I was, uh... I was away.
146
00:09:34,283 --> 00:09:35,617
On business.
147
00:09:40,206 --> 00:09:42,542
Well, if she wanted
to get back together,
148
00:09:42,583 --> 00:09:44,877
that's something
I wouldn't mind knowing.
149
00:09:44,919 --> 00:09:46,919
So why don't you just go ahead
and spill the beans?
150
00:09:48,464 --> 00:09:49,757
Beans?
151
00:09:50,966 --> 00:09:53,219
What beans?
152
00:09:53,261 --> 00:09:57,265
The only beans are in your
head, you, uh, little bean-head.
153
00:10:02,644 --> 00:10:07,233
Anyway, I opened the bag
and there he was.
154
00:10:07,275 --> 00:10:09,068
The beard and everything.
155
00:10:11,779 --> 00:10:15,324
Oh, oh, Jackie's about to start.
156
00:10:15,366 --> 00:10:17,743
- Okay, Jackie, are you ready?
- Yeah, of course.
157
00:10:17,785 --> 00:10:19,537
I've got this thing down pat.
158
00:10:19,579 --> 00:10:21,914
Okay, so after
the weather report,
159
00:10:21,956 --> 00:10:24,166
I'm gonna get into the problem
with the spirit squad.
160
00:10:24,208 --> 00:10:28,712
They're all fat. That's my
commentary. I'm anti-fat.
161
00:10:28,754 --> 00:10:31,882
Okay. Ten seconds until you're on
the air, offending thousands of people.
162
00:10:35,219 --> 00:10:36,637
Thousands of people?
163
00:10:36,678 --> 00:10:39,432
In five, four, three...
164
00:10:45,729 --> 00:10:47,189
You didn't say "two" or "one."
165
00:10:47,231 --> 00:10:48,899
It's because you're on now.
166
00:10:50,025 --> 00:10:51,319
Well, but I'm not...
167
00:10:53,404 --> 00:10:54,655
Hi.
168
00:10:56,282 --> 00:10:59,660
- I'm Backie Jurkhart.
- Jackie Burkhart.
169
00:10:59,701 --> 00:11:00,995
- What?
- It's your name.
170
00:11:01,036 --> 00:11:02,973
- I know what my name is.
- You said Backie Jurkhart.
171
00:11:02,997 --> 00:11:04,832
Okay, stop talking
or you're fired.
172
00:11:05,833 --> 00:11:08,002
Fine. You're on your own.
173
00:11:09,211 --> 00:11:10,588
I'm what?
174
00:11:13,424 --> 00:11:14,674
Oh, dear.
175
00:11:16,177 --> 00:11:17,677
She's not so good.
176
00:11:19,721 --> 00:11:21,681
She's sweating
like Muhammad Ali.
177
00:11:26,437 --> 00:11:28,063
Cut to her boobs.
178
00:11:29,524 --> 00:11:31,609
Who's directing this thing?
179
00:11:43,412 --> 00:11:47,082
I guess we can't just sit and
talk about comic books all day.
180
00:11:47,124 --> 00:11:48,708
Let's do some
Star Wars trivia. Go.
181
00:11:50,085 --> 00:11:51,462
I got a stumper.
182
00:11:51,504 --> 00:11:55,132
- Who is Luke and
Obi-Wan's nemesis at...
- Doctor Evazan.
183
00:11:57,301 --> 00:11:59,595
Man, you're good.
184
00:11:59,637 --> 00:12:02,264
Look, let me ask you a question.
185
00:12:02,306 --> 00:12:07,186
Some people think that if I keep
living, you know, "without a purpose,"
186
00:12:07,228 --> 00:12:10,606
that I'll be all, I don't
know, unfulfilled and stuff.
187
00:12:13,192 --> 00:12:16,736
Do you ever feel unfulfilled?
188
00:12:16,778 --> 00:12:19,114
I've seen Star Wars
in seven different states.
189
00:12:20,658 --> 00:12:23,703
I even met the midget
that they stuck inside R2-D2.
190
00:12:25,079 --> 00:12:26,788
What could be more
fulfilling than that?
191
00:12:28,790 --> 00:12:30,167
I don't know.
192
00:12:32,002 --> 00:12:33,504
Hey, dorks.
193
00:12:33,546 --> 00:12:36,591
Listen, Angie had
a really rough day at work
194
00:12:36,632 --> 00:12:38,926
so I'm gonna rub her feet,
and you might wanna clear out
195
00:12:38,967 --> 00:12:41,053
before I start
rubbing other stuff.
196
00:12:42,263 --> 00:12:44,223
Eric, come over later.
We'll game.
197
00:12:44,265 --> 00:12:46,559
Who was that guy?
198
00:12:46,601 --> 00:12:49,061
- That's this guy...
- I don't care. Burn!
199
00:12:56,277 --> 00:13:00,197
Angie, you're cute as a button,
but you burn like a botard.
200
00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:05,745
Look, if you wanna burn someone,
201
00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:08,372
you gotta embarrass them
to make other people laugh.
202
00:13:08,414 --> 00:13:12,627
You want to combine the
elements of humiliation and surprise.
203
00:13:15,212 --> 00:13:16,589
Dude, what the hell?
204
00:13:19,091 --> 00:13:20,800
Burn!
205
00:13:24,846 --> 00:13:28,267
Oh, hey.
Jackie, I saw your show.
206
00:13:28,309 --> 00:13:30,810
It isn't as good as
a lot of other shows.
207
00:13:33,105 --> 00:13:35,483
No.
208
00:13:35,524 --> 00:13:38,611
It was great for people who
think regular TV is too entertaining.
209
00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:43,407
I freaked out.
210
00:13:43,449 --> 00:13:47,495
I mean, the cameras turned on,
and I realized I'm completely alone.
211
00:13:47,536 --> 00:13:50,289
I'm alone on TV,
and I'm alone in real life.
212
00:13:52,333 --> 00:13:53,833
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
213
00:14:00,257 --> 00:14:01,425
Burn!
214
00:14:04,428 --> 00:14:05,929
Oh, my God!
215
00:14:09,809 --> 00:14:13,813
Uh, I forgot to tell you
the part about
216
00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:16,565
you don't burn someone
who's already crying.
217
00:14:22,655 --> 00:14:26,534
Okay, best sidekick.
Robin or Aqualad?
218
00:14:26,575 --> 00:14:29,161
Ooh, uh, toughie.
219
00:14:29,203 --> 00:14:31,872
Is the villain they're
fighting terrestrial or aquatic?
220
00:14:33,541 --> 00:14:36,877
Stewie, you didn't tell me
you were having a friend over.
221
00:14:38,504 --> 00:14:40,172
Eric, this is my mom.
222
00:14:46,554 --> 00:14:48,180
You still live with your mom?
223
00:14:49,807 --> 00:14:52,643
Oh, she's more than just my
mother. She's my best friend.
224
00:14:55,521 --> 00:14:57,690
She's your best friend?
225
00:14:59,483 --> 00:15:01,902
Well, you're giving her
a run for her money.
226
00:15:04,988 --> 00:15:07,783
- Okay, I gotta go.
- Are you sure?
227
00:15:07,825 --> 00:15:11,912
I was about to make sandwiches
in the shape of X-wing fighters.
228
00:15:13,873 --> 00:15:16,917
Uh, no, really.
Well... No, I gotta go.
229
00:15:25,676 --> 00:15:29,137
- What are you doing?
- I'm throwing out
all my comic books.
230
00:15:33,475 --> 00:15:37,187
I saw my future today, and,
well, it's living with its mother.
231
00:15:43,611 --> 00:15:46,071
Yeah, well, I saw
my future and it sweats.
232
00:15:48,156 --> 00:15:50,576
Okay. Hold on. You sweat?
233
00:15:52,953 --> 00:15:56,957
Uh, would you happen to have a picture,
some tape of this that I could laugh at?
234
00:15:58,459 --> 00:16:02,212
Eric, I tried to have
my own TV show, and I failed.
235
00:16:02,254 --> 00:16:04,965
My life is over. I'm not
good enough to be on TV.
236
00:16:05,591 --> 00:16:07,175
No, Jackie.
237
00:16:09,762 --> 00:16:11,346
Okay, come on.
238
00:16:11,388 --> 00:16:12,932
You're good-looking,
239
00:16:12,973 --> 00:16:15,976
you're incredibly superficial
and you lie constantly.
240
00:16:18,771 --> 00:16:20,731
I think you're perfect for TV.
241
00:16:23,818 --> 00:16:26,987
- Do you really think so?
- Yeah.
242
00:16:27,028 --> 00:16:31,032
I mean, jeez, look, at least you're
doing something with your life.
243
00:16:32,785 --> 00:16:34,745
I have wasted an entire year.
244
00:16:34,787 --> 00:16:36,580
Eric, let me
stop you right there.
245
00:16:36,622 --> 00:16:40,375
Okay? Since you were kind enough to
cheer me up when my spirits were low,
246
00:16:40,417 --> 00:16:41,417
I'm gonna go. Thanks.
247
00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:55,056
Hey, Forman,
let me ask you a question.
248
00:16:55,098 --> 00:16:57,685
What do you think
about me and Jackie?
249
00:16:57,726 --> 00:16:59,770
Well, man,
you know what I think.
250
00:16:59,812 --> 00:17:01,814
I think that Jackie
is evil incarnate.
251
00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:05,985
I think that if you were to
cut off one of her hands,
252
00:17:06,026 --> 00:17:08,445
it would probably grow back
into another Jackie.
253
00:17:11,072 --> 00:17:13,742
Look, before Jackie,
254
00:17:13,784 --> 00:17:16,495
you were just some
pissed-off guy in my basement.
255
00:17:17,997 --> 00:17:19,456
But with her...
256
00:17:21,375 --> 00:17:22,793
I mean, you seemed happy, man.
257
00:17:23,669 --> 00:17:25,337
Hey, I was never happy.
258
00:17:27,047 --> 00:17:28,799
I was just less pissed off.
259
00:17:30,342 --> 00:17:31,342
Hyde,
260
00:17:33,512 --> 00:17:37,057
I lied to you when I told you
that I was away on business.
261
00:17:41,144 --> 00:17:42,144
No.
262
00:17:45,983 --> 00:17:47,067
Yes.
263
00:17:49,611 --> 00:17:52,531
And I know what Jackie
wanted to tell you.
264
00:17:52,573 --> 00:17:53,573
She still loves you.
265
00:17:54,366 --> 00:17:55,743
What?
266
00:17:55,784 --> 00:17:58,871
Yeah. She said she was wrong
and that she wanted you back.
267
00:17:58,913 --> 00:18:01,832
She was vulnerable,
so I tried to french her.
268
00:18:05,502 --> 00:18:06,962
But no-go.
269
00:18:13,385 --> 00:18:15,220
- Shouldn't Jackie
be here by now?
- Yeah.
270
00:18:15,262 --> 00:18:17,431
She's supposed to go
on in, like, a minute.
271
00:18:17,472 --> 00:18:19,349
I don't think
she's gonna show up.
272
00:18:19,391 --> 00:18:20,392
What?
273
00:18:22,978 --> 00:18:26,147
No, but we were gonna do
this whole segment on sluts.
274
00:18:27,816 --> 00:18:29,568
And I was gonna be
the slut expert.
275
00:18:29,610 --> 00:18:32,195
That's the only kind of expert
I'm ever gonna be.
276
00:18:34,073 --> 00:18:36,825
- Hey.
- Jackie, I can't believe
you showed up.
277
00:18:36,867 --> 00:18:38,911
I can't believe I showed up.
278
00:18:38,953 --> 00:18:41,663
What am I doing with my life?
279
00:18:41,705 --> 00:18:43,665
Okay, come on, people.
We got a show to do.
280
00:18:43,707 --> 00:18:45,667
Okay. In three...
281
00:18:49,129 --> 00:18:52,883
Hi, I'm Jackie Burkhart, and here's
all the news you need to know.
282
00:18:52,925 --> 00:18:55,343
This just in. Slacks are out.
283
00:18:55,385 --> 00:18:58,097
So, ladies, shave those legs
and put on a skirt.
284
00:19:00,432 --> 00:19:03,518
Up next, senior correspondent
Michael Kelso joins me
285
00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:07,689
for a very exciting segment
I like to call Slut or Not.
286
00:19:08,899 --> 00:19:11,819
- Michael, welcome.
- Hi, Jackie. Ladies.
287
00:19:13,612 --> 00:19:15,155
Okay, let's get started.
288
00:19:16,573 --> 00:19:19,326
- Marcy Cavanaugh.
- Slut.
289
00:19:21,286 --> 00:19:22,621
Susie Rice.
290
00:19:23,664 --> 00:19:25,165
- Slut.
- Mmm.
291
00:19:26,541 --> 00:19:28,585
Hey, could you zoom out a sec?
292
00:19:29,962 --> 00:19:32,422
Ooh, Jenny Keene.
293
00:19:32,464 --> 00:19:35,550
Partly slutty with a chance
of severe sluttiness.
294
00:19:40,139 --> 00:19:42,683
- Angie, what the hell?
- Burn?
295
00:19:45,144 --> 00:19:47,187
Burn!
296
00:19:48,814 --> 00:19:53,694
Well, there you have it,
America, your first televised burn.
297
00:19:53,735 --> 00:19:57,156
Up next, a hard-hitting segment
called Girls With Mustaches.
298
00:19:57,197 --> 00:19:59,199
Don't touch that dial,
Sherry Papadakis.
299
00:20:08,083 --> 00:20:10,418
- Hey, man, is Jackie around?
- Hey.
300
00:20:10,460 --> 00:20:12,796
Yeah, but I thought
you weren't talking to her.
301
00:20:12,838 --> 00:20:16,216
You're gonna make up
with her, aren't you?
302
00:20:17,926 --> 00:20:22,556
Oh, you're gonna tell her
that you love her.
303
00:20:22,597 --> 00:20:25,976
And your little sunglasses
are gonna get all fogged up.
304
00:20:27,477 --> 00:20:29,646
Jackie, there's
someone here to see you.
305
00:20:30,898 --> 00:20:32,482
Hey.
306
00:20:32,524 --> 00:20:34,985
Uh, I thought maybe
we could talk for a minute.
307
00:20:35,027 --> 00:20:38,405
Is it about my show?
'Cause it was awesome.
308
00:20:38,446 --> 00:20:42,409
Steven, I went on and I did
great. And I did it on my own.
309
00:20:42,450 --> 00:20:45,913
I mean, I've never been more
proud of myself in my entire life.
310
00:20:45,954 --> 00:20:48,540
I'm gonna do great on my own.
311
00:20:48,582 --> 00:20:50,502
I'm sorry. What did you
want to talk to me about?
312
00:20:52,169 --> 00:20:53,628
Well, um...
313
00:20:57,716 --> 00:20:59,927
I just wanted to say
congratulations on your show.
314
00:21:01,636 --> 00:21:03,638
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
315
00:21:03,680 --> 00:21:05,265
Did you see Michael
with his pants down?
316
00:21:09,978 --> 00:21:11,146
No.
317
00:21:12,731 --> 00:21:14,399
But I don't need a TV
to see that.
318
00:21:21,281 --> 00:21:22,824
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,
319
00:21:22,866 --> 00:21:26,995
and welcome to the full
half-hour of Slut or Not.
320
00:21:27,037 --> 00:21:28,580
I've got a phone book here
321
00:21:28,622 --> 00:21:30,462
and a wealth of experience
with fooling around,
322
00:21:30,498 --> 00:21:32,459
so let's get started.
323
00:21:32,500 --> 00:21:33,919
"Beverly Addison."
324
00:21:33,961 --> 00:21:37,256
I don't know her personally,
but I've heard she has a tattoo.
325
00:21:37,297 --> 00:21:41,051
So congratulations, Beverly
Addison. You are a slut.
326
00:21:42,510 --> 00:21:45,305
What the hell happened
to this country?
327
00:21:47,432 --> 00:21:50,727
I know Beverly Addison, and
I'm glad somebody finally said it.
25666
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