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1
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(WIND BLOWING)
2
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(EXHALES)
3
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Isn't this nice?
4
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No better time of year.
5
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You know, let me tell you
one of my favorite Yuletide stories.
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'Twas the night before Christmas,
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and all through the town,
8
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{\an8}the Avengers were fighting
a brand-new superpower.
9
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{\an8}The stockings were hung by the chimney...
10
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(GRUNTS)
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THE WATCHER: Well, not anymore.
12
00:00:42,833 --> 00:00:43,875
IRON MAN: Where's Thor?
13
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(GRUNTS)
14
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- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
- (ROARS)
15
00:00:51,625 --> 00:00:55,250
THE WATCHER: Oh, right. You're probably
wondering who this guy is.
16
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Perhaps I should start a bit further back.
17
00:01:03,250 --> 00:01:04,292
{\an8}THE WATCHER: Time.
18
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{\an8}Space.
19
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{\an8}Reality.
20
00:01:14,333 --> 00:01:16,125
{\an8}It's more than a linear path.
21
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{\an8}It's a prism of endless possibility,
22
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{\an8}where a single choice
can branch out into infinite realities,
23
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{\an8}creating alternate worlds
from the ones you know.
24
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{\an8}I am the Watcher.
25
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{\an8}I am your guide
through these vast new realities.
26
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{\an8}Follow me and ponder the question...
27
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{\an8}"What if?"
28
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(WIND BLOWING)
29
00:02:04,917 --> 00:02:06,625
Okay, let's try this again.
30
00:02:07,292 --> 00:02:12,000
'Twas only two hours prior
and the tower was not yet on fire.
31
00:02:12,083 --> 00:02:17,083
To the left, to the left. To the...
No, too much left. Stop. Stop!
32
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(JINGLE BELLS INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING)
33
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DARCY: Sparrow-1 to Puffin-2, do you copy?
34
00:02:21,042 --> 00:02:22,250
We have a code red down here.
35
00:02:22,333 --> 00:02:25,375
Darcy, I told you,
while JARVIS is being defragged,
36
00:02:25,458 --> 00:02:27,167
this line is for emergency use only.
37
00:02:27,250 --> 00:02:29,375
Please. Sparrow-1 on the comms, boss.
38
00:02:29,458 --> 00:02:31,833
And it's a total code red.
The caterers are here,
39
00:02:31,917 --> 00:02:35,042
and all I'm seeing are cheese cubes
and carrot sticks.
40
00:02:35,125 --> 00:02:37,375
Where's the showmanship?
Where are the Kogi buns?
41
00:02:37,458 --> 00:02:40,167
Darcy, you wanna get college credit
for this? Listen to me.
42
00:02:40,250 --> 00:02:42,333
This Avengers holiday gala
is not my first rodeo.
43
00:02:42,417 --> 00:02:44,625
Fine, fine. Ten to the four, Puffin-2.
44
00:02:44,708 --> 00:02:47,250
Wait. Why am I a puffin?
And a second puffin at that.
45
00:02:47,333 --> 00:02:49,333
- Who's the first puffin?
- Bernard in Accounting.
46
00:02:50,125 --> 00:02:51,458
Okay, that just hurts.
47
00:02:51,542 --> 00:02:55,583
I can offer you Turkey-1, Flamingo-6.
Ooh, how about the Parakeet?
48
00:02:55,667 --> 00:02:59,375
Wait. I have a better idea.
A very special assignment just for you.
49
00:02:59,458 --> 00:03:01,333
- (GASPS)
- Maraschino cherries. We're running low,
50
00:03:01,417 --> 00:03:03,417
and Tony can't have
a hot toddy without them.
51
00:03:03,500 --> 00:03:06,083
Oh, I didn't know people
put cherries in hot toddies.
52
00:03:06,167 --> 00:03:07,708
Hey, you're trying to get rid of me.
53
00:03:07,792 --> 00:03:10,542
Just looking for
a little peace on Earth, okay? Ow!
54
00:03:10,625 --> 00:03:12,750
$50 million,
you can't watch where you're going?
55
00:03:12,833 --> 00:03:14,833
- HILL: Everything under control?
- (CLEARS THROAT)
56
00:03:14,917 --> 00:03:18,792
Director Hill.
You're looking quite, uh, festive.
57
00:03:18,875 --> 00:03:21,500
Now that JARVIS has been
shut down for maintenance...
58
00:03:21,583 --> 00:03:24,708
Oh, I wanna talk to you about that.
I'd like to share a few messages
59
00:03:24,792 --> 00:03:26,292
about upgrading our threat matrix...
60
00:03:26,375 --> 00:03:28,708
Maybe you should leave that
to the security professionals.
61
00:03:28,792 --> 00:03:30,375
(CHUCKLES) But I am
a security professional.
62
00:03:30,458 --> 00:03:32,667
- I need you to focus on tonight's party.
- (ELEVATOR DINGS)
63
00:03:32,750 --> 00:03:34,958
SHIELD AGENT: Eagle-1, Eagle-1.
You're needed in command.
64
00:03:35,042 --> 00:03:36,958
- On my way.
- Eagle-1?
65
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This holiday party is vital, Mr. Hogan.
66
00:03:39,417 --> 00:03:42,750
After the year we've had,
people need a reason to celebrate.
67
00:03:42,833 --> 00:03:44,958
I'm counting on you to pull it off.
68
00:03:45,042 --> 00:03:46,083
Yes, ma'am.
69
00:03:47,375 --> 00:03:48,375
- (ELEVATOR DINGS)
- Hmm...
70
00:03:48,458 --> 00:03:50,792
Christmas playlist.
71
00:03:50,875 --> 00:03:55,583
Hanukkah playlist... (GASPS) That one
Mariah Carey song on loop. Bingo!
72
00:03:56,958 --> 00:03:59,917
- And to all a good...
- (MAN SNEEZES)
73
00:04:00,292 --> 00:04:02,458
- Sergei, you stepped on my line, buddy.
- (EXHALES)
74
00:04:04,708 --> 00:04:10,000
THE WATCHER: Or maybe this is the story of
how Justin Hammer stole Christmas.
75
00:04:10,333 --> 00:04:12,958
- (CROWD APPLAUDING)
- After the corrupt defense contractor
76
00:04:13,042 --> 00:04:15,125
nearly blew up the Stark Expo,
77
00:04:15,875 --> 00:04:18,417
he found himself on the naughty list.
78
00:04:18,500 --> 00:04:21,833
With time to think, time to reflect,
79
00:04:22,250 --> 00:04:23,583
{\an8}time to...
80
00:04:24,333 --> 00:04:26,417
ponder his future.
81
00:04:26,500 --> 00:04:32,667
Perhaps, in this universe,
Justin Hammer had a little too much time.
82
00:04:32,750 --> 00:04:35,292
- (ELEVATOR DINGS)
- (GUNS FIRING)
83
00:04:35,375 --> 00:04:38,000
(CROWD SCREAMING)
84
00:04:38,125 --> 00:04:39,375
CATERER: We're gonna die!
85
00:04:39,458 --> 00:04:41,167
Yo, Rusty, hand me that, would you?
86
00:04:41,250 --> 00:04:42,750
- MAN: How'd they even get in here?
- (YELPS)
87
00:04:42,833 --> 00:04:45,250
The name is Rustam Leonid Vyacheslav.
88
00:04:45,333 --> 00:04:47,542
And that's exactly why
we're sticking with Rusty.
89
00:04:47,625 --> 00:04:48,625
(CROWD SCREAMING)
90
00:04:48,708 --> 00:04:50,958
People, people, listen up.
91
00:04:51,042 --> 00:04:52,833
You stay calm, you stay quiet
92
00:04:52,917 --> 00:04:56,375
and I guarantee that you'll
be home for the holidays.
93
00:04:56,458 --> 00:05:00,375
- (SNIFFLES)
- Hey, there's no crying on Christmas.
94
00:05:00,458 --> 00:05:02,667
You know, when I was seven years old,
95
00:05:02,750 --> 00:05:05,750
I wanted a Red Ryder BB gun
more than anything in the world.
96
00:05:05,833 --> 00:05:08,167
I begged my parents.
I begged Santa for it.
97
00:05:08,250 --> 00:05:11,125
Accidentally got my tongue
stuck on a telephone pole.
98
00:05:11,208 --> 00:05:13,542
(SNIFFLES) Isn't that a classic movie?
99
00:05:13,625 --> 00:05:15,167
Yes, the one with the leg lamp.
100
00:05:15,250 --> 00:05:19,083
Hey, shut up. But I didn't get the BB gun
that Christmas. Do you know why?
101
00:05:19,167 --> 00:05:20,792
{\an8}(DEVICE BEEPS)
102
00:05:20,875 --> 00:05:25,250
'Cause this is America, and if
you want something, you gotta take it.
103
00:05:25,333 --> 00:05:27,833
- (MECHANICAL WHIRRING)
- (ALARM BLARING)
104
00:05:29,375 --> 00:05:30,417
(GUN COCKING)
105
00:05:30,500 --> 00:05:33,958
Oh, you unplug JARVIS for five minutes,
the whole building collapses.
106
00:05:34,042 --> 00:05:36,167
- (GLASS BREAKING)
- (GASPS)
107
00:05:39,542 --> 00:05:40,542
Huh?
108
00:05:44,542 --> 00:05:45,542
Uh, boss?
109
00:05:45,667 --> 00:05:50,292
Relax. Reprogramming command protocols,
setting new targets.
110
00:05:50,375 --> 00:05:52,208
"All on site staff" sounds good to me.
111
00:05:52,292 --> 00:05:54,083
{\an8}- What?
- (ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)
112
00:05:54,167 --> 00:05:56,167
(IRON LEGION BEEPS)
113
00:05:58,500 --> 00:06:01,542
(LAUGHS) Knock 'em dead, Johnny Fives.
114
00:06:01,917 --> 00:06:04,500
(SINGING)
Good Queen Darcy last looked down
115
00:06:04,583 --> 00:06:08,750
On the feast of Steve Rogers
When the snow lay on...
116
00:06:08,833 --> 00:06:11,417
- (GRUNTS) "Eagle-1."
- (ELEVATOR DINGS)
117
00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:13,000
Whoa.
118
00:06:13,500 --> 00:06:15,417
- HAMMER: Okay, boys.
- Hammer?
119
00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:19,292
Behind these doors is
a gamma-radiated antigen serum.
120
00:06:19,375 --> 00:06:20,375
Hulk blood.
121
00:06:20,458 --> 00:06:22,958
- The amniotic fluid, so to speak...
- Gross.
122
00:06:23,042 --> 00:06:26,667
...that will birth the next superhero. Me.
123
00:06:26,750 --> 00:06:28,792
I'm already smarter than 10 Tony Starks
124
00:06:28,875 --> 00:06:32,250
and pretty soon I'll be stronger
than 12 Captain Americas.
125
00:06:32,333 --> 00:06:34,583
(LAUGHS) So, let's get cracking.
126
00:06:34,667 --> 00:06:35,917
No problems.
127
00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:37,542
Dude, come on. What is this?
128
00:06:37,625 --> 00:06:39,125
You said you were a safecracker.
129
00:06:39,208 --> 00:06:41,042
Yes, and now I crack safe.
130
00:06:42,458 --> 00:06:45,792
(GROANS) I knew I should have gone
with the Sokovian team.
131
00:06:45,875 --> 00:06:47,292
Hill. Hill, come in.
132
00:06:47,375 --> 00:06:50,583
- We got three hostiles in Tony's lab.
- You'd think they'd raid the armory first.
133
00:06:50,667 --> 00:06:52,625
Tony's been messing around
with Banner's blood,
134
00:06:52,708 --> 00:06:55,583
seeing if he can be the Hulk
without the anger management issues.
135
00:06:55,667 --> 00:06:57,167
- Was he successful?
- It's a process.
136
00:06:57,250 --> 00:06:58,250
HAMMER: I'm gonna head up.
137
00:06:58,333 --> 00:07:01,500
Oh, oh, that's not good. Okay, okay.
138
00:07:01,583 --> 00:07:04,000
Call me when you get the good stuff.
139
00:07:04,083 --> 00:07:07,208
Time for me to go
and sit on Tony's throne.
140
00:07:07,292 --> 00:07:10,000
- I'm not gonna flush, if you get my drift.
- HOGAN: Oh.
141
00:07:10,083 --> 00:07:12,417
Yeah, it's Hammer.
He's heading for Tony's bathroom.
142
00:07:12,500 --> 00:07:13,500
Oh.
143
00:07:13,583 --> 00:07:16,292
- HILL: Hogan, can you secure the samples?
- Yes. I think I have a way in.
144
00:07:16,375 --> 00:07:18,208
Good. 'Cause I've got Hammer.
145
00:07:20,958 --> 00:07:22,625
(GRUNTS) Right in the jingle bells.
146
00:07:22,708 --> 00:07:24,292
Ah! Ah! Whoa!
147
00:07:25,250 --> 00:07:26,583
(SIGHS) Jesus.
148
00:07:26,667 --> 00:07:29,292
"Throw a holiday party.
It'll be fun," Tony said.
149
00:07:29,375 --> 00:07:30,625
"What could go wrong?"
150
00:07:30,708 --> 00:07:33,750
I told them the air vent would be
a security issue, but (CHUCKLES) no.
151
00:07:33,833 --> 00:07:35,500
Nobody listens to Happy.
152
00:07:36,125 --> 00:07:37,833
(UPBEAT SONG PLAYING)
153
00:07:41,750 --> 00:07:42,750
Mmm.
154
00:07:44,750 --> 00:07:47,292
Look at this bar! Oh, my goodness!
155
00:07:47,375 --> 00:07:48,417
I love it!
156
00:07:49,667 --> 00:07:50,958
- (GUNSHOT)
- (MUSIC STOPS)
157
00:07:51,042 --> 00:07:52,625
Hands where I can see them, Hammer.
158
00:07:52,708 --> 00:07:54,250
Now surrender peacefully.
159
00:07:54,333 --> 00:07:55,542
(LAUGHS)
160
00:07:55,625 --> 00:07:58,625
Oh, the day you've been dreading
has finally come.
161
00:07:58,708 --> 00:08:00,625
The day that you face off
162
00:08:00,708 --> 00:08:03,208
against Tony Stark's greatest adversary.
163
00:08:03,292 --> 00:08:06,375
"Greatest adversary"?
What are you, a wealth tax?
164
00:08:06,458 --> 00:08:07,625
(GRUNTS)
165
00:08:07,708 --> 00:08:09,125
(SIGHS) Nothing?
166
00:08:09,208 --> 00:08:10,625
Your technique is off.
167
00:08:10,708 --> 00:08:12,583
More strength in back.
168
00:08:12,667 --> 00:08:15,042
Less arms, more hips.
169
00:08:17,333 --> 00:08:18,875
RUSTAM: Da, da, da. I get it now.
170
00:08:21,958 --> 00:08:23,542
Okay, let's take a look.
171
00:08:25,292 --> 00:08:27,542
Where is it? Hulk blood, Hulk blood.
172
00:08:28,208 --> 00:08:30,250
Hulk blood. Hulk blood.
173
00:08:30,333 --> 00:08:32,000
Okay, just where is...
174
00:08:32,083 --> 00:08:33,833
Think... A little vial.
175
00:08:34,542 --> 00:08:36,542
Happy, find the Hulk blood,
find the Hulk... No!
176
00:08:37,625 --> 00:08:39,167
(GRUNTS)
177
00:08:39,250 --> 00:08:41,000
Hey, hey, hey. Did you hear that?
178
00:08:41,083 --> 00:08:42,083
(GRUNTS)
179
00:08:46,333 --> 00:08:49,375
- (WHISPERS) Oh, got it. (SIGHS)
- (RADIO STATIC)
180
00:08:49,458 --> 00:08:51,292
- (SHUSHES) Stop.
- HAMMER: Your little jokes won't do
181
00:08:51,375 --> 00:08:53,333
much good
against the master of tae kwon do,
182
00:08:53,417 --> 00:08:55,250
- jiujitsu and Muay Thai.
- Switch the channel.
183
00:08:57,417 --> 00:08:58,417
That's right.
184
00:08:58,500 --> 00:09:01,208
- I learned prison-fighting techniques.
- Oh, God.
185
00:09:01,292 --> 00:09:03,042
All on the prison yard.
186
00:09:03,125 --> 00:09:05,292
Hmm, maybe a rat.
187
00:09:05,375 --> 00:09:08,000
You know what the most
important thing I learned in lockup is?
188
00:09:08,083 --> 00:09:09,083
Enlighten me.
189
00:09:09,167 --> 00:09:11,375
Cheating is for winners.
190
00:09:11,458 --> 00:09:13,250
- (EXPLOSION)
- (GRUNTS)
191
00:09:14,500 --> 00:09:15,542
No, Maria!
192
00:09:15,625 --> 00:09:17,583
- (METAL CLANGS)
- Oh, whoa. (SCREAMS)
193
00:09:17,667 --> 00:09:19,167
(GRUNTS)
194
00:09:20,708 --> 00:09:23,667
Be a shadow.
Be a shadow. Be a loose shadow.
195
00:09:27,208 --> 00:09:28,208
(SIGHS)
196
00:09:28,292 --> 00:09:29,417
You guys can see me, right?
197
00:09:29,500 --> 00:09:30,792
Da, we see you.
198
00:09:30,875 --> 00:09:33,167
Boss, we have security guard.
199
00:09:33,250 --> 00:09:36,333
Clever. You thought you
could distract the Hammer?
200
00:09:37,417 --> 00:09:40,167
- SERGEI: Hey! Get back here.
- Hulk blood. I just need the Hulk blood.
201
00:09:40,250 --> 00:09:42,333
Where will you run? (LAUGHS)
202
00:09:42,417 --> 00:09:45,208
Come on. What's a guy gotta do
to find an epidural of Banner blood?
203
00:09:45,292 --> 00:09:46,500
Hulk... Huh?
204
00:09:46,792 --> 00:09:48,000
A confetti arrow?
205
00:09:48,083 --> 00:09:51,417
Come on, Tony. You booking Hawkeye out
for birthday parties now?
206
00:09:51,500 --> 00:09:54,000
Hulk blood! Oh, yes! Bingo!
207
00:09:55,333 --> 00:09:58,167
All right. (SIGHS) I should definitely
be getting hazard pay for this.
208
00:09:58,417 --> 00:09:59,625
- (GUNSHOTS)
- (YELLS)
209
00:10:00,958 --> 00:10:02,250
Whoa! (YELLS)
210
00:10:02,333 --> 00:10:04,333
No! Why'd it do that?
211
00:10:05,083 --> 00:10:06,583
Step aside, my little elves.
212
00:10:06,667 --> 00:10:07,958
(GRUNTS)
213
00:10:09,125 --> 00:10:10,458
(GROANS)
214
00:10:11,750 --> 00:10:12,958
Oh, that's not good.
215
00:10:16,333 --> 00:10:17,500
Oh, that's not good.
216
00:10:17,583 --> 00:10:18,667
(CHUCKLES) Hammer.
217
00:10:19,625 --> 00:10:21,708
Shoot him with all you've got.
218
00:10:22,083 --> 00:10:24,042
Whoa! (GRUNTS)
219
00:10:24,125 --> 00:10:26,292
- RUSTAM: There, there, there. Let's go.
- Hey! Get back here!
220
00:10:26,375 --> 00:10:28,250
Oh, yeah, the things you learn
working for a mad,
221
00:10:28,333 --> 00:10:30,208
over-caffeinated scientist. Incoming!
222
00:10:31,250 --> 00:10:32,667
(COUGHING)
223
00:10:36,083 --> 00:10:39,500
Hey, stop, stop! Stop!
You're gonna destroy the Hulk blood.
224
00:10:39,583 --> 00:10:40,833
What's the matter with you?
225
00:10:42,333 --> 00:10:43,875
(SIGHS) Oh, that's useful.
226
00:10:44,417 --> 00:10:47,083
Screw what I said. Just get him. Now.
227
00:10:47,167 --> 00:10:49,167
Happy. Oh, my leg is broken.
228
00:10:49,250 --> 00:10:51,958
Yeah, that's okay. I might have
enough leg for the both of us.
229
00:10:52,042 --> 00:10:54,083
Happy? Look, I'm counting on you.
230
00:10:54,167 --> 00:10:57,042
Is that him?
Is that the fly in my super serum?
231
00:10:57,125 --> 00:10:59,417
- Stop Hammer. Save the tower.
- (RADIO STATIC)
232
00:10:59,500 --> 00:11:01,333
Maria! Maria!
233
00:11:01,417 --> 00:11:05,042
Oh, you got a big box of coal
coming your way, missy.
234
00:11:05,125 --> 00:11:08,875
Cuff her. I'm sick of this chick
roasting my chestnuts.
235
00:11:10,708 --> 00:11:14,625
Okay, it's all on me now.
It's all on me now.
236
00:11:14,708 --> 00:11:17,625
Oh, it's all on me now. (SIGHS)
237
00:11:31,917 --> 00:11:35,875
Okay, yes, there's no "I" in team.
There's no "I" in team!
238
00:11:35,958 --> 00:11:37,417
- What? No, no, no!
- (CLOTHES TEARING)
239
00:11:37,500 --> 00:11:39,000
(SCREAMS)
240
00:11:39,083 --> 00:11:41,458
- (PHONE VIBRATING)
- (MUSIC PLAYING)
241
00:11:43,083 --> 00:11:46,292
- Romanoff. Happy, not a great time.
- HOGAN: Natasha? Natasha!
242
00:11:46,375 --> 00:11:50,458
I'm being held at gunpoint by
a former HYDRA agent with 17 kills.
243
00:11:50,542 --> 00:11:52,625
Eighteen kills. You forgot Nigeria.
244
00:11:52,708 --> 00:11:54,292
Oh, that was you? Show off.
245
00:11:54,375 --> 00:11:56,792
Uh... You want me to get you help?
246
00:11:56,875 --> 00:11:58,750
Oh, no, I've got this.
See you at the party.
247
00:11:58,833 --> 00:12:02,000
- (GUNSHOTS)
- Yeah, she'll be fine.
248
00:12:02,083 --> 00:12:04,167
- (LINE RINGING)
- Okay, Tony. Pick up, Tony, please.
249
00:12:04,250 --> 00:12:07,625
Perfect timing. Happy, can you tell
Timmy here that a replica Cap shield
250
00:12:07,708 --> 00:12:09,375
is nothing but a patriotic Frisbee?
251
00:12:09,458 --> 00:12:10,875
- Tony, it's an emergency!
- Whoa!
252
00:12:10,958 --> 00:12:13,458
Trouble here, too. Soccer moms
are cornering Cap. Gotta go.
253
00:12:13,542 --> 00:12:15,208
- Tony. Tony!
- (CLOTHES TEARING)
254
00:12:15,292 --> 00:12:17,167
(GROANS)
255
00:12:17,250 --> 00:12:18,583
- Okay.
- (LINE RINGING)
256
00:12:18,667 --> 00:12:20,292
Come on.
Answer the phone, answer the phone.
257
00:12:20,375 --> 00:12:21,750
(GIRL SCREAMING)
258
00:12:21,833 --> 00:12:23,708
- Hello. What? What? Hold on a sec.
- (CLAMORING)
259
00:12:23,792 --> 00:12:26,833
Clint, think we need to wrap this up.
Sun's getting real low, pal.
260
00:12:26,917 --> 00:12:29,292
Like, super winter solstice kind of low.
261
00:12:29,375 --> 00:12:30,375
Banner, Banner!
262
00:12:30,458 --> 00:12:32,042
- I'm sorry. It's the last one.
- Banner!
263
00:12:32,125 --> 00:12:33,375
Clint, just give her the toy!
264
00:12:33,458 --> 00:12:35,292
- BARTON: No can do.
- Come on. Just let her have it.
265
00:12:35,375 --> 00:12:38,708
The wife says, "Bring home this toy
or don't come home at all."
266
00:12:38,792 --> 00:12:40,875
- Damn it. Clint, just...
- Let her have it!
267
00:12:41,542 --> 00:12:42,542
Oh.
268
00:12:43,542 --> 00:12:44,875
Yeah!
269
00:12:46,042 --> 00:12:47,958
Oh, yeah!
270
00:12:48,458 --> 00:12:51,500
DARCY: Start pouring the Shirley Temples,
big guy. I got your cherries.
271
00:12:51,583 --> 00:12:53,875
Sparrow-1, this is Puffin-2.
272
00:12:53,958 --> 00:12:56,708
Do you copy? We got a code red.
273
00:12:56,792 --> 00:12:58,708
The tower's been overtaken by terrorists.
274
00:12:58,792 --> 00:13:01,125
Terrorists on Christmas?
What is this? Con Air?
275
00:13:01,208 --> 00:13:04,458
No, wait. Under Siege? No, no, no.
That's not it. Wait. I know this one.
276
00:13:04,542 --> 00:13:06,625
Uh, walking my mental Blockbuster aisle.
277
00:13:06,708 --> 00:13:08,125
Hey, John McClane, focus.
278
00:13:08,208 --> 00:13:11,458
{\an8}Every weapon, every suit
is currently under Hammer's control.
279
00:13:11,542 --> 00:13:12,792
{\an8}What are you calling me for?
280
00:13:12,875 --> 00:13:15,500
{\an8}Tell JARVIS to dial up
the army or the Avengers.
281
00:13:15,583 --> 00:13:17,292
{\an8}(GASPS) Or that scary dude
with the eye-patch.
282
00:13:17,375 --> 00:13:20,458
JARVIS is offline defragging.
It's how they were able to...
283
00:13:20,542 --> 00:13:22,083
Darcy, you're a genius.
284
00:13:22,167 --> 00:13:25,750
{\an8}Thanks. I have been in college
for the better part of a decade.
285
00:13:25,833 --> 00:13:27,375
{\an8}Not to brag. But what did I say?
286
00:13:27,458 --> 00:13:29,500
JARVIS has a mainframe
in the sub-basement.
287
00:13:29,583 --> 00:13:32,708
If we bring JARVIS back online,
we can take control of the building
288
00:13:32,792 --> 00:13:33,875
and everything inside it.
289
00:13:33,958 --> 00:13:37,250
Puffin-2, are you asking me to be
your Reginald VelJohnson?
290
00:13:37,333 --> 00:13:40,042
Reginald VelJohnson?
That's what you remember from the movie?
291
00:13:40,125 --> 00:13:41,125
Oh, damn.
292
00:13:44,458 --> 00:13:45,708
Eh...
293
00:13:46,750 --> 00:13:48,417
You guys can see me, right?
294
00:13:50,083 --> 00:13:51,917
- (GUNS FIRING)
- Uh...
295
00:13:55,417 --> 00:13:56,625
(PANTS)
296
00:13:56,708 --> 00:13:59,375
Okay. Okay, okay. Okay. Okay.
297
00:14:00,250 --> 00:14:01,667
- Oh, okay.
- SERGEI: Hey!
298
00:14:02,167 --> 00:14:03,167
Hmm.
299
00:14:05,583 --> 00:14:06,958
(GRUNTS)
300
00:14:07,500 --> 00:14:09,875
Guess the only way out is out!
301
00:14:15,292 --> 00:14:17,750
Holy... (SCREAMS)
302
00:14:20,625 --> 00:14:22,250
(CRIES)
303
00:14:24,750 --> 00:14:26,917
(GRUNTING)
304
00:14:27,875 --> 00:14:28,958
(GROANING)
305
00:14:34,958 --> 00:14:36,000
(ROARS)
306
00:14:47,083 --> 00:14:49,542
(GROANING)
307
00:14:49,625 --> 00:14:51,000
(LAUGHS)
308
00:14:51,083 --> 00:14:53,917
See that?
I got Hulk blood pumping through me.
309
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:56,167
Might as well try it on for size.
310
00:14:58,667 --> 00:15:00,625
- (METAL CLANGING)
- Wait, wait. Do you hear that?
311
00:15:00,708 --> 00:15:01,958
Go, go, go.
312
00:15:02,750 --> 00:15:04,583
Broke that damn chain pretty good.
313
00:15:04,667 --> 00:15:07,583
What about the short fuse?
Can't have a temper tantrum.
314
00:15:07,667 --> 00:15:09,375
Be calm. Breathe.
315
00:15:09,458 --> 00:15:10,792
That's supposed to help, right?
316
00:15:10,875 --> 00:15:12,458
(INHALES SHARPLY, EXHALES)
317
00:15:12,542 --> 00:15:15,250
DARCY: 10-9, Puffin-2.
Everything okay there, boss?
318
00:15:15,333 --> 00:15:17,958
'Cause you sound a little Darth Vader-y.
319
00:15:18,042 --> 00:15:20,125
HOGAN: I just need a minute.
I'm going through some stuff.
320
00:15:20,208 --> 00:15:23,083
Can't believe the whole building
runs off this one dinky box.
321
00:15:23,167 --> 00:15:25,750
My next internship should
totally be at WikiLeaks,
322
00:15:25,833 --> 00:15:28,667
'cause I've got this whole
hacking thing... Oh, no.
323
00:15:31,500 --> 00:15:33,083
Whoa!
324
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:36,208
A secret room!
325
00:15:36,292 --> 00:15:38,458
You thought the doorknob
was the mainframe?
326
00:15:38,542 --> 00:15:41,500
Anyone would.
This is like Narnia for dorks.
327
00:15:41,583 --> 00:15:44,458
There should be a backup JARVIS AI
in the sub-basement.
328
00:15:44,542 --> 00:15:47,667
Boss, he has someone else on the inside.
In the sub-basement.
329
00:15:47,750 --> 00:15:50,417
Wait. I got a better idea.
Get back to the penthouse.
330
00:15:50,500 --> 00:15:53,708
It's better to make them
come to the Hammer.
331
00:15:53,792 --> 00:15:56,417
All right. Here we go, boss.
We got a Friday,
332
00:15:56,500 --> 00:16:00,208
a W.A.D.S.W.O.R.T.H., an E.D.I.T.H. 1.0.
Gosh, sounds like a BBC mystery.
333
00:16:00,292 --> 00:16:01,667
HOGAN: Darcy, just pick one!
334
00:16:01,750 --> 00:16:03,667
Wunderbar! Werner it is.
335
00:16:03,750 --> 00:16:05,375
- (EXPLOSION)
- Whoa! (GASPS)
336
00:16:05,458 --> 00:16:07,458
Darcy? Darcy, do you copy?
337
00:16:08,250 --> 00:16:12,417
Oh, fine. Come in, Sparrow-1.
This is Puffin-2. Do you copy?
338
00:16:12,792 --> 00:16:14,542
- (RADIO STATIC)
- HAMMER: Is this on?
339
00:16:14,625 --> 00:16:19,500
The only difference between
a hero and a villain is good PR.
340
00:16:19,583 --> 00:16:22,625
You see, redemption in this country,
it isn't about penance.
341
00:16:22,708 --> 00:16:24,375
No, it's about rebranding,
342
00:16:24,458 --> 00:16:27,250
and that Hulk blood
was gonna be my chance.
343
00:16:27,333 --> 00:16:30,833
And then you stole it from me,
Happy Hogan. But don't worry.
344
00:16:30,917 --> 00:16:34,792
I will reverse-engineer it
after I dissect your twitching corpse.
345
00:16:34,875 --> 00:16:36,292
Don't let him spook you, Happy.
346
00:16:36,375 --> 00:16:39,375
That's right. Ho-Ho-Hogan,
I got your girl Friday,
347
00:16:39,458 --> 00:16:41,250
but all I want for Christmas is you.
348
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:44,542
Oh-ho! Gotta admit that's some
solid holiday word play.
349
00:16:44,625 --> 00:16:46,875
Hey, thanks. Penthouse. Five minutes.
350
00:16:46,958 --> 00:16:48,792
Or your intern gets a bullet from Santa.
351
00:16:48,875 --> 00:16:51,000
(COUGHS) But I'm adorable.
352
00:16:51,083 --> 00:16:54,708
HAMMER: Oh, and, Happy, do us all a favor.
Don't be a hero.
353
00:16:54,792 --> 00:16:57,375
Turn the elevator on. I'm coming up.
354
00:17:00,375 --> 00:17:02,083
All right. Let's see what we got here.
355
00:17:02,167 --> 00:17:06,042
Given the weight, no sound,
I'm guessing it's a Rolex watch?
356
00:17:06,125 --> 00:17:11,042
(CHUCKLES) Oh, my goodness.
The billionaire got Captain America socks.
357
00:17:11,125 --> 00:17:14,708
Wow, the press lied.
These two really do not get along.
358
00:17:14,792 --> 00:17:17,083
Quality socks can be excellent gift.
359
00:17:17,167 --> 00:17:18,167
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
360
00:17:19,708 --> 00:17:21,708
Hey, Happy, here to borrow a cup of sugar?
361
00:17:21,792 --> 00:17:23,083
Light him up, fellas.
362
00:17:23,875 --> 00:17:25,083
Happy, no!
363
00:17:27,833 --> 00:17:29,125
- (LOUD THUD)
- Oh!
364
00:17:29,208 --> 00:17:31,375
So, give us some figgy pudding!
365
00:17:31,458 --> 00:17:32,958
(LAUGHS)
366
00:17:33,083 --> 00:17:35,042
{\an8}Wha... "Let it snow?"
367
00:17:35,125 --> 00:17:36,833
Oh, sugar cookies.
368
00:17:36,917 --> 00:17:38,333
- (EXPLOSION)
- (GRUNTS)
369
00:17:38,417 --> 00:17:39,583
(HOGAN ROARS)
370
00:17:39,667 --> 00:17:41,500
- What the hell is that?
- (LOUD CRASH)
371
00:17:41,583 --> 00:17:43,083
DARCY: Earthquake? Is it an earthquake?
372
00:17:43,792 --> 00:17:45,542
(ROARING)
373
00:17:49,167 --> 00:17:51,042
(ROARS)
374
00:17:51,125 --> 00:17:52,875
I think that's Happy Hogan.
375
00:17:53,750 --> 00:17:54,750
(GRUNTS)
376
00:17:54,833 --> 00:17:56,250
(LAUGHS)
377
00:17:59,417 --> 00:18:02,000
Uh, hello? Giant freak on the loose.
378
00:18:02,083 --> 00:18:04,292
What the hell do you think I pay you for?
379
00:18:04,375 --> 00:18:05,417
Not this.
380
00:18:05,500 --> 00:18:09,417
(SIGHS) Come on, come on. Yoga room.
Karaoke studio. Really?
381
00:18:09,500 --> 00:18:11,333
Avengers armory. Bingo!
382
00:18:14,250 --> 00:18:15,250
(GROWLS)
383
00:18:15,333 --> 00:18:16,333
Uh...
384
00:18:17,167 --> 00:18:19,000
- (GRUNTS)
- (METAL CLANGS)
385
00:18:19,542 --> 00:18:22,125
Wow. Your neck is thicker than Thor's.
386
00:18:22,208 --> 00:18:24,292
Crazy, right?
And the party hasn't even started.
387
00:18:25,292 --> 00:18:26,917
Look, if we can reboot JARVIS...
388
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:28,958
Already on it, Sparrow-1.
389
00:18:29,042 --> 00:18:31,500
You said you were counting on me.
That means something.
390
00:18:31,583 --> 00:18:32,875
Hammer's heading to the armory.
391
00:18:32,958 --> 00:18:35,917
I'll handle him. You guys get to work
on the JARVIS reboot.
392
00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:39,417
It's time for that Hammer to get nailed.
393
00:18:39,958 --> 00:18:42,292
Hammer! Hammer!
394
00:18:43,583 --> 00:18:44,583
Oh.
395
00:18:48,583 --> 00:18:49,708
(LAUGHS)
396
00:18:51,417 --> 00:18:53,458
(GROWLING)
397
00:19:01,042 --> 00:19:02,542
(ROARS)
398
00:19:23,292 --> 00:19:25,750
(PANTING)
399
00:19:25,833 --> 00:19:27,542
(GROWLS)
400
00:19:32,042 --> 00:19:36,167
You lost, Hammer. And there's
not gonna be a Christmas miracle.
401
00:19:36,250 --> 00:19:39,208
Oh, famous last words, Hulk Hogan.
402
00:19:41,500 --> 00:19:42,875
(RUMBLING)
403
00:19:42,958 --> 00:19:45,125
DARCY: (GASPS) Oh, my God! It's Santa!
404
00:19:45,208 --> 00:19:46,458
He's real.
405
00:19:46,833 --> 00:19:48,208
(BOOMING)
406
00:19:50,417 --> 00:19:52,667
(METAL CLANGING)
407
00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:58,667
I'm Santa Claus, baby.
408
00:19:59,708 --> 00:20:02,667
- (RUMBLING)
- Hammer's taken control of the Hulkbuster.
409
00:20:02,750 --> 00:20:05,792
We need to gain control of the suit, now.
Upload JARVIS.
410
00:20:05,875 --> 00:20:07,750
Not JARVIS, but German.
411
00:20:09,625 --> 00:20:12,083
This is the worst internship ever.
412
00:20:12,167 --> 00:20:13,542
(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)
413
00:20:13,625 --> 00:20:14,917
(GRUNTS)
414
00:20:17,042 --> 00:20:18,792
HAMMER: Come on, Happy.
Don't be like that.
415
00:20:18,875 --> 00:20:20,958
Let's make it quick.
I just need a little slice.
416
00:20:21,042 --> 00:20:22,250
Oh, you'll get a piece of me.
417
00:20:30,792 --> 00:20:34,708
There's no way that Stark is paying you
enough to deal with the Hammer.
418
00:20:38,875 --> 00:20:40,833
Hey, what are you doing?
419
00:20:42,500 --> 00:20:43,500
Nothing?
420
00:20:44,292 --> 00:20:45,708
(KEYBOARD CLACKING)
421
00:20:47,333 --> 00:20:49,625
Oh, yeah! Best boss ever.
422
00:20:49,708 --> 00:20:50,750
Oh, Darcy, really?
423
00:20:50,833 --> 00:20:54,500
Oh, that means a lot coming from, well,
someone who's had just so many bosses.
424
00:20:54,583 --> 00:20:56,083
(GRUNTS)
425
00:20:59,042 --> 00:21:00,083
(BEEPING)
426
00:21:00,167 --> 00:21:01,500
Oh, it's frozen. We're locked out.
427
00:21:01,583 --> 00:21:04,250
Damn you, pinwheel of death.
Quick. Control-Alt-Delete.
428
00:21:05,667 --> 00:21:07,083
Huh? That actually worked.
429
00:21:07,167 --> 00:21:11,292
A little trick I picked up interning
for the Culver University IT department.
430
00:21:11,375 --> 00:21:14,000
- Have you ever had an actual paying job?
- Nope.
431
00:21:19,583 --> 00:21:21,542
(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)
432
00:21:25,250 --> 00:21:26,333
W.E.R.N.E.R: Guten tag.
433
00:21:26,417 --> 00:21:29,792
Yes. All right, we're up. Disengage
the Veronica Hulkbuster Protocol.
434
00:21:29,875 --> 00:21:35,125
In the beginning, men controlled machines.
Now, machines control the fate of men.
435
00:21:35,208 --> 00:21:36,292
(GRUNTS)
436
00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:40,125
Yeah, okay, right.
Are you calling the Avengers?
437
00:21:40,208 --> 00:21:42,667
W.E.R.N.E.R: As they say in German, no.
438
00:21:44,542 --> 00:21:47,667
What the hell is this program?
Siri for nihilists?
439
00:21:47,750 --> 00:21:48,792
It sounds like my dad.
440
00:21:48,875 --> 00:21:50,667
Happy, you're on your own.
441
00:21:53,125 --> 00:21:54,125
(GROWLS)
442
00:21:54,208 --> 00:21:59,792
HAMMER: Here's some Muay Thai,
jiujitsu, tae kwon do!
443
00:22:03,542 --> 00:22:04,708
(GROWLS)
444
00:22:04,792 --> 00:22:06,958
(SIGHS) Know when you're beat, freak.
445
00:22:07,042 --> 00:22:08,917
- (GROWLS)
- What?
446
00:22:09,833 --> 00:22:11,333
(GROWLING)
447
00:22:14,042 --> 00:22:15,375
(SCREAMING)
448
00:22:22,875 --> 00:22:24,167
(ROARING)
449
00:22:24,250 --> 00:22:27,458
Son of a nutcracker.
That monster is eating my suit!
450
00:22:30,250 --> 00:22:31,250
Huh?
451
00:22:34,750 --> 00:22:35,750
(GRUNTS)
452
00:22:35,833 --> 00:22:38,208
- (GROWLING)
- Bruce, a little help.
453
00:22:38,292 --> 00:22:40,000
No, you guys got this.
454
00:22:40,083 --> 00:22:41,292
(GRUNTS)
455
00:22:43,375 --> 00:22:44,750
(GRUNTS)
456
00:22:44,875 --> 00:22:46,792
- IRON MAN: Where's Thor?
- (ROARING)
457
00:22:46,875 --> 00:22:48,083
Is that Happy?
458
00:22:48,167 --> 00:22:49,208
Um, no.
459
00:22:49,958 --> 00:22:51,875
ROMANOFF: What is this thing? (GRUNTS)
460
00:22:53,292 --> 00:22:55,167
- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
- (ROARS)
461
00:22:55,250 --> 00:22:57,417
No, no, no. He's on the guest list.
462
00:22:57,500 --> 00:23:00,042
Repeat, he is on the guest list.
463
00:23:00,125 --> 00:23:01,250
(ELECTRONIC BUZZING)
464
00:23:01,333 --> 00:23:04,125
(GROANS) Natasha! It's me.
465
00:23:04,833 --> 00:23:06,458
Oh, my God. Happy?
466
00:23:06,542 --> 00:23:07,625
(CHUCKLES) I was right.
467
00:23:07,708 --> 00:23:12,000
This is the good guy, that is the bad guy.
468
00:23:12,875 --> 00:23:13,958
(HAMMER CHUCKLES)
469
00:23:14,042 --> 00:23:15,792
IRON MAN: What are you doing with my suit?
470
00:23:15,875 --> 00:23:17,292
HAMMER: Uh, nothing?
471
00:23:18,083 --> 00:23:19,083
(BEEPS)
472
00:23:19,167 --> 00:23:20,917
(METAL CLANGING)
473
00:23:21,833 --> 00:23:22,833
Um...
474
00:23:22,917 --> 00:23:24,375
(ROARS)
475
00:23:24,458 --> 00:23:26,458
(SCREAMING)
476
00:23:34,167 --> 00:23:35,917
(SCREAMING)
477
00:23:40,042 --> 00:23:42,167
You saved me. Why?
478
00:23:42,250 --> 00:23:44,875
It's Christmas, Hammer.
Goodwill towards men.
479
00:23:44,958 --> 00:23:46,625
(PANTS) Even the bad ones.
480
00:23:46,708 --> 00:23:47,708
Huh. (SCREAMS)
481
00:23:48,750 --> 00:23:49,833
(GRUNTS)
482
00:23:52,333 --> 00:23:55,417
I'm sorry about the party, Tony.
I'm sure insurance will cover most of it.
483
00:23:55,500 --> 00:23:58,500
Are you kidding? You're the only
insurance policy I'll ever need.
484
00:23:58,583 --> 00:24:01,042
Ah, thanks, Tony. Wait.
You do have a cure, don't you?
485
00:24:01,125 --> 00:24:02,375
I'm not stuck this way, right?
486
00:24:02,458 --> 00:24:04,083
(LAUGHS)
487
00:24:04,167 --> 00:24:07,167
My head of security, everybody.
How about this guy, right?
488
00:24:07,250 --> 00:24:08,667
- Yeah, Happy.
- Good job, Happy.
489
00:24:08,750 --> 00:24:10,417
- Crushed it, man.
- Bah, humbug.
490
00:24:10,500 --> 00:24:13,583
THE WATCHER: As for how the rest of
this holiday tale goes,
491
00:24:13,667 --> 00:24:18,583
the tower was safe and secure,
still decked in holly and bows,
492
00:24:18,667 --> 00:24:21,667
when Tony Stark to his team
gave a whistle.
493
00:24:21,750 --> 00:24:23,958
IRON MAN: I think
I speak for everyone when I say
494
00:24:24,042 --> 00:24:25,292
some food would be beneficial.
495
00:24:25,375 --> 00:24:29,333
HOGAN: My appetite is raging. I can eat
an actual fruitcake after that fight.
496
00:24:29,417 --> 00:24:33,208
THE WATCHER: But I heard a voice say
as the heroes vanished from sight...
497
00:24:33,292 --> 00:24:36,000
"Merry Christmas to all and to all a..."
498
00:24:36,833 --> 00:24:37,833
Guys?
499
00:24:38,292 --> 00:24:39,667
Oh, I missed the party.
500
00:24:39,750 --> 00:24:41,375
(LAUGHS)
501
00:24:41,458 --> 00:24:44,167
"To all, a good night."
502
00:24:45,333 --> 00:24:48,542
{\an8}We wish you a merry Christmas
503
00:24:48,625 --> 00:24:51,583
{\an8}We wish you a merry Christmas
504
00:24:51,667 --> 00:24:58,000
{\an8}We wish you a merry Christmas
and a happy new year
505
00:24:58,083 --> 00:25:01,000
We wish you a merry Christmas
506
00:25:01,083 --> 00:25:04,333
{\an8}We wish you a merry Christmas
507
00:25:04,417 --> 00:25:10,875
{\an8}We wish you a merry Christmas
and a happy new year
508
00:25:10,958 --> 00:25:17,083
{\an8}Glad tidings we bring to you and your kin
509
00:25:17,167 --> 00:25:23,208
{\an8}Glad tidings at Christmas
and a happy new year
510
00:25:23,292 --> 00:25:25,417
We wish you a swinging Christmas
511
00:25:27,583 --> 00:25:29,792
We wish you a crazy Christmas
512
00:25:29,875 --> 00:25:35,667
We wish you a naughty Christmas
and a frantic new year
513
00:26:01,375 --> 00:26:02,458
Yeah
514
00:26:28,625 --> 00:26:29,917
DARCY: All right.
515
00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:32,625
(SINGING)
Good Queen Darcy last looked down
516
00:26:32,708 --> 00:26:35,125
On the feast of Steve Rogers
517
00:26:35,208 --> 00:26:37,667
When the snow lay on the ground
518
00:26:37,750 --> 00:26:40,208
Something, something, something
519
00:26:40,292 --> 00:26:45,042
Thor has a giant neck
It is full of muscles
520
00:26:45,125 --> 00:26:51,292
He's just a little schmoopy noodle
Going through the cosmos
521
00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:53,833
(LAUGHS)
522
00:26:53,917 --> 00:26:57,792
Happy Holidays!
Make up dumb songs for money.
39737
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