All language subtitles for Cheaper.by.the.Dozen.2003.WEBRip.iTunes

Morning, Tom.

12 is our number.

It's the number of games my husband Tom
coaches at Lincoln College every season.

It's the number of times we zero out
our bank account each year.

And it's the number of kids
we try to keep track of.

- Hey. Good run?
- Yeah.

- You need a paramedic?
- No, just a pair of knees. You finish?

Still proofing.
But I'm sending it to Diane today.

Look at this. New clean cover.
No peanut butter stains, yet.

- Baby...
- Baby?

- You know what I was thinking?
- What?

Well, we've been married, what, five years?

- 23.
- 23. Sorry.

And I think we could use a little change
around here. Like this lumpy old mattress.

Maybe we should just get rid of it.

You know you can just pound
the lumps out of a mattress.

What? You can just pound
the lumps out of a mattress?

- Just randomly start swatting away...
- And it goes flat?

- Yes.
- You just randomly start swatting?

Careful.

It's a pile-on. I got a dog on me.

12's an insane number of kids, but having
a small family was never an option for us.

You see, Tom loved growing up
with seven brothers and sisters.

And after my sister died, I spent most of my
time wishing I had seven brothers and sisters.

Tom and I met at
Illinois Polytechnic University.

He was a senior, dreaming
of becoming the football coach.

I was a freshman,
dreaming of becoming a sports reporter.

He wanted eight kids,
I wanted eight kids. Bam.

An hour after I met him,
I knew he was the one.

We just had family at the wedding.
And Shake Maguire, Tom's best man.

What a hot dog.

A year later we had our first - Nora.

I loved taking her to work with me.

After Charlie and Lorraine,
we realized living in the city

and having eight kids and two careers
wasn't going to work.

As much as we wanted our big careers,
we wanted our big family more,

so Tom settled for coaching at Lincoln,

I quit writing for the Tribune,
and we moved to the country.

Tom and I got busy in Midland.

We had Henry, Sarah, Jake and Mark
in consecutive years.

Then we went for magic number eight
and instead got the first set of twins -

Jessica and Kim.

Nine kids.

Wave. Hi.

With each child, Tom and I
got further from our big career dreams,

but we didn't think about that.

Yeah. Sorry, Coach.

We had our hands full with nine.
We were happy, and we were done.

We went to a party for Shake's appointment
to athletic director at our alma mater

and too many beers and nine months later,
we had Mike.

After that, Tom got a vasectomy,

but he didn't hear the doctor say it would
be a few weeks before it became effective.

In '98, Nigel and Kyle got us
to that crazy number 12.

By then, Tom and I were experts
at managing chaos.

Let's move, gang. Come on.

Charlie missed his curfew again last night.

You can only put on
so much lip gloss, princess.

You blew my concentration.
Now I get to start all over again.

- Wrap it up, Lorraine.
- OK, Daddy.

- Have you seen my frog?
- Sorry, Charlie... Nigel... Kyle.

- It's Mark.
- I knew that.

Teenager, you got caught
on Mom radar last night.

You won't get that scholarship if
you're out with Beth the night before a game.

- I'm not so sure I even want to go to college.
- Since when?

Since Beth's mom offered me a job
at the auto shop.

Sounds exciting. We'll talk about it
after you get your full ride.

Meanwhile, in by ten
on school nights. Clear?

- Got it.
- Anything else you want to talk about?

- Did I mention I don't like you very much?
- You mentioned that.

- Then I'm good.
- OK. Me too.

- Dude, two words: need new skates.
- Dude, three words: paper route.

"Hi. Can't make dinner. Hank and I are moving
into our new apartment. Love, Nora."

Have you seen Beans, Mom?

- Here you go, Gunner.
- Are you hungry, boy?

Here you go, Gunner.
Are you hungry?

I am aware that this family doesn't value
self-presentation as obsessively as I do.

Fine. Whatever.

But one of my life goals -
aside from being a fashion guru -

is to indicate to the local community
that the Baker family owns a bar of soap.

So, as self-appointed in-house rep
of style and hygiene,

- I should get five extra minutes at the mirror.
- Three.

- Done.
- Good. Now help your sister butter the toast.

Sarah, your suspension from lacrosse
for excessive force has been lifted. Henry?

You got band practice. I cleaned your clarinet.
Don't play with food in your mouth again.

Kim and Jessica, your teacher requested that
you do not correct her in front of the class.

Mike, you have show-and-tell.
Body parts do not count.

Kyle and Nigel, you have a dentist
appointment, so you're going with Dad.

And we're shooting our Christmas card today.

- What time's Nora coming over?
- She may not make it.

She never comes home
since she started dating that doorknob.

- He's not a doorknob.
- The man irons his jeans, Mom.

- Yeah, that's weird.
- Never mind. I'll Photoshop her in.

- Could Photoshop take 10lbs off me?
- Can I be Photoshopped in?

If Sarah's being Photoshopped in,
I'm being Photoshopped in.

Nobody gets Photoshopped in but Nora.
Everybody be here by four.

- Why do we do our Christmas card in May?
- So we get a big discount at the printer.

Now let's eat.

Here you go. Look alive.

Toast.

You're eating that doughnut.

No, Mark.

Get him.

Get him, Charlie. He's headed
for the waffles. Come to Daddy.

Mike, stick.

Mark, net.

- I got the door covered.
- I got the net.

Busted.

Put Beans in his cage now.

Is everything broken?

- Teacup with the flower on it broken?
- Nice move, Fed Ex.

OK. Here we go, everyone.
School. Let's go.

Much cooler.

- Henry, here you go.
- Thanks, Mom.

For the record, I am so over
Nora's hand-me-downs.

Right. You look gorgeous
in anything, Lorraine.

Whoa. What's going on?
What's wrong with you, mister?

Everybody says the Fed Ex guy dropped me
off cos I don't feel fit in with this family.

You fit. You fit right here like that.

- I called shotgun.
- No, I did.

- I did.
- I did.

That's it.
You two, knock it off.

Mom's losing it. I'm losing it.

All right, come on, break it up.

Are you OK? I'll give you candy.

- Kyle, chill or be chilled.
- Sure. Listen to him.

Mark?

- So Nora's not coming?
- Well, not exactly. Here.

It's so Nora. We say they can't sleep together
when they visit, so she moves in with him.

- She's just trying to have her own life.
- She's too young.

She's 22 - the same age I was
when I was pregnant with her.

Five minutes ago she was on my shoulders
pointing at cows in Munger's field.

- And then you blinked.
- Yeah. No more blinking.

All right.

- You were checking me out, weren't you?
- I was. You got a problem with that?

12 kids later and we still got the heat.

Come on, hit it.

- Come on, faster.
- Is that as fast as you can go?

Keep it up. Let's go.

- Way to go, Marcus.
- Way to go, boys.

- Nice passes.
- Right here.

Nice going.

You're getting old and ugly.

Shake.

What are you doing here?

You still too busy being the pansy
house husband to read the newspapers?

That coach was five and three.

That doesn't cut it.
I'm trying to grow a program.

Guys, remember Shake?
We played college ball together.

Yeah. The hot dog. Mom said it first.

- We're having adult time here, boys.
- No idea what that means.

Grown-ups get to have a conversation
without being interrupted by kids.

- Sounds wicked boring.
- It is. So why don't you run along?

Mom was right. He is a wiener.

Sorry about that. Kate likes you, but
she had to have the biggest stud on the team.

So she chose the third-string receiver
and got all this.

So you're gonna tell me why you're here?

Lincoln's a winning machine.

You think you can make
our old team a champion again?

- You mean coach?
- Coach.

Tom, what is it? Just tell me. Just...

OK. Wait.

- Dad's covering with the machines.
- To the chute.

My, this is big.

Shake Maguire wants me
to coach the Stallions.

- Get out.
- He offered me a five-year contract.

Housing allowance, moving expenses.

Kate, we can finally get
new furniture, a new car.

And - get this - university employees
can send their kids to school for free.

Wow.

I don't know. A division one coaching job.
That's a lot of pressure and a lot more hours.

But with all the kids in school next year
we could handle more.

Yeah, but Midland is our home.
The kids' lives are here.

Midland's been great for raising our kids but I
never expected 'em to sacrifice the way I did.

- You loved your childhood.
- Yeah.

Except for this part -
the raggedy hand-me-down part.

Stallions' head coach.

- It's your dream job, isn't it, honey?
- I want this one, Kate.

- Let's talk to the kids.
- How do you think they'll handle it?

We're gonna move.

OK, everybody. You know the drill.
On three, you give me a big "cheese."

- Jake, do you have to wear black?
- Black works, Mom.

Jesus had his funeral on Christmas.

- He died on Easter, Barbie.
- Whatever.

- He was resurrected on Easter, moron.
- Be quiet.

Don't touch me.

What's all the fighting about?

When did you plan on telling us
about moving?

- I'm not moving.
- I'm not moving.

- I'm not moving.
- Evanston is only four hours away.

- Beth can come and visit.
- My whole life is here in Midland.

- Hello.
- Hi, Mom.

- Hi, Nora. You're on speaker.
- Hi, everybody.

Hank says hi too. So you guys
are thinking about moving up here?

Yeah. You got room in that apartment for us?

Just big enough for two, Dad.
How's your book going, Mom?

I sent it to a friend
who's in publishing, so we'll see.

- Could we stay on subject, please?
- Beans' mother's buried here. They're family.

We can build a memorial to Pork
in our new yard.

- Yeah, like we can afford that.
- Actually, we can.

I'll make enough money to do that, get you
out of hand-me-downs, get Jake new skates,

get the new car we've been saving for.

- I have friends here.
- You'll keep in touch and make new friends.

Quiet.

Now, look. I know you're all scared.
Moving is a big deal.

We're very comfortable here. That's why
I turned down a lot of other coaching offers.

But this is a job I wanted since we left
Chicago. In fact, it's more than a job to me.

This is my team, and it's my colors,

and it's the Stallions.

And they're finally calling my number.

I want you to take this risk with me
because, if you do,

I promise you we will be
a happier and stronger family.

- You promise?
- I promise.

I would feel happier and stronger
if we vote on it.

Yeah, definitely. We should vote.
It's the only way to make this fair.

All right, we can vote.

But we're gonna do
what we think is best for the family.

- What's the point of even voting?
- I'm out.

- Let's get out of here. It's not worth it.
- Seems pretty stupid.

Hello? Still here.

All right. Eight "no"s.

Three "yes"s and three "maybe"s.

Not exactly a mandate.

Give me a pen.
I'm gonna change some of these.

- Here we go.
- What?

What? Let's review, shall we?

There we go.

"I'm so glad I found someone
whose dreams are as big as mine."

"I love you. Kate."

I always loved the way
you go for things, Tom.

Pedal to the metal. Full-on.
All of it or none of it. So we're doing this.

We're gonna do this.

We're doing it.

Yeah. And by the time we move,
the kids will get used to the idea.

Say goodbye to your mother, Beans.

Gunner, to the car.

I'm you. Gunner, to the car.
I'm Gunner. Gunner, to the car.

Charlie, do me a favor
and drive the Cutlass.

- Thanks for ruining my life.
- I don't wanna move.

Everybody's going with us.
We're taking all your toys. OK.

Whoever said expressing emotion
was a good thing, I'd like to see.

This is our street.

- Are you sure we're gonna fit in here, Dad?
- You'll have friends here in no time, guys.

Here we are. We are here.
Everybody out. I want everybody out.

Slow down there, Gunner.

- There it is. A 1920's classic.
- Did the Munsters give you a good price?

The twins share,
but everybody else gets their own room.

- Now go kill each other for the best one.
- That's great.

Charlie. You're gonna need a car to visit Beth.
The Olds is yours now.

Are you trying to bribe me?

Is it working?

A little bit.

Welcome home, Kate.

It's gonna be great, Tom.

- Jessica, come here. Check this out.
- This room is huge.

- Can I share this one?
- Back it up, Fed Ex.

If anyone gets the room across from me,
it's Charlie. And are you Charlie? No.

- You and I call this room.
- Look at the view from here.

Can I share with you?

Oh, God. They're fast-food people.

People are here.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I'm Tina Shenk.
This is my husband Bill and our son Dylan.

- How do you do?
- We live across the street.

Thank you. This is lovely.
I'm Kate. This is Tom. We're the Bakers.

- No. Gunner, down. I am so sorry.
- Are you hiding a cheeseburger anywhere?

I don't eat meat.

- Jake...
- Dude. Two words: manners.

- What's up? Wanna help me unpack?
- Sure.

- Put your sweater on, sweetie.
- He's inside.

Don't start, OK?

- So is Jake your only child?
- No. We have 12.

I couldn't keep her off me.

Head's up.

- A little less wrist, Mike.
- Got it. Game on.

They're playing hockey in the house.

If the game gets bigger than three on three,
they have to take it outside.

Dylan doesn't really care for rough play.

You're gonna want to stop now, dude.

- Oh, my God.
- Hang on, buddy!

- I got him.
- Save my baby.

Don't worry.
I swing from the chandelier all the time.

Cool.

- I got him. I don't got him.
- Oh, my God.

So, Dylan, know any good restaurants?

You can let go, Dylan. I think she's got you.

Oh, my God.

- Sweetie, are you all right?
- I'm fine, Mom.

For the entire minute and a half we've
lived here, I really hated that chandelier.

OK. We better go.
It's time for your chess lesson.

- I don't have a chess lesson.
- Then you need to practice.

- Come over any time, dude.
- We'll call, schedule a play date.

- No need. Just come by any time.
- We'll call.

- You're all invited to my birthday.
- That'll be fun.

Charlie, come on down
and help me with this, OK?

Careful, honey. There's glass everywhere.

Shake. What's up?

Really?

OK. I'll see you there.

Guess what?
Fox Sports wants to interview me on TV.

- OK. We got this.
- Dad's gotta earn a living.

12 kids. That's a throwback.

- Irresponsible is what it is.
- How come we didn't have more kids?

Because we wanted one perfect child,
and that's what we got.

Cool.

Honey, I'm gonna be home late.
I got a press conference.

Whatever happened to that stud who sat
across from me at dinner every night?

He got his dream job, remember?

- Bye, Dad.
- See ya, buddy.

Tell the masseuse
I'm running 15 minutes late.

Day 14 on the alien planet.

- Where are you going?
- To sign up for football.

And no, you can't come.

Could this place be any more boring?
There's nothing to do around here.

I could give you a makeover.

All righty then.

Hi.

- Charlie Baker.
- Yeah. Tom Baker's boy.

Read where his old buddy Shake
threw him a bone.

Offense or defense?

I'm a quarterback.

Yeah, well, maybe in Cowpie, Illinois.
But this is four A, Skippy. The bigs.

Put him on defense. Cornerback.

By the way, when you show up for practice,
don't be wearing that hat.

OK. Let's see. Who's next? Yes?

It's been reported that you like to blast music
in your locker room. Why?

Well, it loosens up the players
and gets them psyched.

Unless, of course, I start dancing,
then they just get nauseous.

At least we get to see him on TV.

How do you manage a family of 12
and a football team?

I've got a great team here and a solid
support system at home. Go to bed, kids.

OK. You heard the coach.
Off to bed. Here we go.

In Midland we were a family.
Now we're a support system?

A family is a support system, Butch.

Hello?

Who's this?

- Somebody from something something.
- OK.

Hello?

Yeah. Hi, Diane.

This is business.
Salmons and pinks are so homemaker.

Focus on your navys and your grays.

Navy is muscle. Gray is smart.
Choose either and you'll rule the boardroom.

- What's going on?
- Diane called. My book's getting published.

- Didn't I say we'd have it all?
- You've never said that.

I'm telling you now, baby.

Oh, my God. Can you guys please wait
till I leave the room?

Can you hurry?

- There's one thing.
- What?

They asked me to go to New York
for a few days.

That was a good O, as in OK.

It's not the best timing, but you're
going to New York. I can handle this.

- You'll manage?
- Yeah.

You haven't been home much, Tom,
since we moved here.

You're gonna have to
shop for school supplies,

get them dressed and bathed,
put them to bed at night...

Been there, done all that.

- You're considering this?
- I'm not considering it. You're going.

Nora can help me out around the house.

- New York. Wow.
- Yeah. Wow.

Every once in a while...

I carve a pumpkin

With a knife made of lollipop sticks...

It totally sucks.
I miss you, too, but I gotta get a job.

Hi, Lorraine.
OK. I'll try and be there, honey.

Hi, Kimmy. Yeah. I know
I haven't been very friendly recently...

- They're pulling me in again.
- Tell them you can't do it.

Could you hang on a second? That's easy
for you to say, you're an only child.

- It might be fun to baby-sit together.
- No. Whoa, no.

You know what happened
last time we visited.

- They were welcoming you into the family.
- They set me on fire.

Just your pants.

Honey, I am an actor, OK?

Sure, last time it was just my pants,
but what if next time it's my face?

This is the money maker.

I'm not that good an actor. This is how
I get the jobs. I'm man enough to admit it.

- Please?
- Don't look at me like that.

- Please, please, please?
- You always do that to me.

Fine. We'll go,
but one thing happens and I'm gone.

And no fires.
And we sleep in the same room.

Kimmy, put Dad on.

She'll help us out
if they can stay in the same room.

No way. No. She knows the rules.

She wants to have her own room
when she's here. Isn't that sweet?

No.

Why don't you just come over on Sunday
and we'll talk logistics?

All right. Bye.

- Doorknob man isn't baby-sitting too?
- Yes. He very well might be.

- And do not set his pants on fire again.
- Classic.

It was just his pants.

Is anybody besides me thinking our happier
and stronger life is nastier and suckier?

First Dad forces us to move.

Then Mom decides to become a career person
and travel the globe.

We have to take orders
from Hank the model/actor.

And he hates kids too.

Nora's blind to his evil.
We have no choice but to intervene.

We've got 48 hours. Let's work a plan.

All right.
Appleschmear season is officially open.

Hooray.

Future president of the United States,
Sarah Baker, will throw the first apple.

Come on. Bring on the chin music, baby.
Let's go.

Yes.

It's an apple, and now it's sauce.

Appleschmear. It's the game
my great-grandma Gilbreth invented.

Neat.

Time-out. Nora's here.

No, no, no, no. Will you please not touch
the LeBaron. I just had it detailed.

Tom, can we please ask the kids
to respect the perimeter around the LeBaron?

Respect the perimeter, kids. Back up.

Nora, welcome.

- Come on.
- Luxury automobile, like your dad's Olds.

This is for you. Congratulations.
I want to hear all about it.

- It's fancy.
- About the baby-sitting...

Battle stations.

Heads up, Hank.

Yo, Hank.

Phase one complete.

Sorry about your clothes.
We'll have them dry in no time.

"Sorry about your clothes.
We'll have them dry in no time."

What is with the staring?
Just stop looking at me.

Chopsticks.

Open meat bucket.

Begin underwear soaking.

So, how's the acting career going, Hank?

If it was going any better,
there'd have to be two of me.

We saw you with the gargling
in the mouthwash ad.

The remarkable thing about my career
is I only started acting a month ago

and I'm already on TV.

It's the real deal.
The career is white hot, Tom. It's on fire.

I read that most actors end up
in the food-service industry.

That's not going to happen to Hank, Kim.

Candidly, I think Nora's right. It's getting
so I can hardly go out in public anymore.

I mean, really. Between the autograph hounds
and the paparazzi...

Autographs and everything? Just
the one commercial and you have paparazzi?

Yeah. I've never actually seen them,
but they hide in the bush and get their shot.

The crazy thing is that now we're trying
to sit at home, like regular Joes...

And we're watching TV... Boom.
Comes on a commercial. Bam. There's me.

You expect to see yourself in the mirror, you
expect to be looking at the handsome devil,

but not on the TV like it is.

It's like bam, bam. You turn the channel
and it just keeps popping up.

It's like I can run from me,
but I can't hide from me.

What a nightmare.

Nora, you wanna help me in the kitchen?

Nora, stop. Yeah.

Wanna help me? Look at a picture
of Grandma, say the rosary?

Come on, kids. Everybody out.

Tommy. Tommy, Tommy, Tommy.

Gunner.

Save it, boy.

- There you go, you look as good as new.
- Not as good as you, chief.

Anywhere.

- That's sweet.
- You know what you want?

Kate, is this orange juice freshly squeezed?

Nora and I are on an organic diet. We're only
going with the organic freshly squeezed.

- This tastes a bit like Tropicana.
- He's a winner.

Release the hound.

You guys popping out another one
any time soon?

Curiosity.

Gunner.

It's Gunner.

He's really digging in.

- Sorry, babe. Gunner, stop. Sit down.
- Stop it, Gunner.

- Oh, my. He's hungry.
- Stop, Gunner.

Gunner.

Gunner.

- Nora, we didn't want you to go.
- Look. Let's get something clear.

Even though you guys live near me now,
I have my own life.

It's mine. Not ours. Mine.

Nora. Will you please get in the LeBaron?
I beg of you.

My loyalty is to Hank now,
and that's the way it's gonna be.

In the living room. Now.

Let's go.

Your neighborly canines
have ruined the LeBaron's paint job.

- I'm sure my family will pay to repaint it.
- Good. I'm sure paying for your family.

- What's that supposed to mean?
- I think you know.

You soaked his underwear in meat.

That is so wrong.

Funny, but wrong.

Now, who was the mastermind
in the meat-soaking plot against Hank?

You were the masterminds?

Step back, please.

You have a dark gift, Sarah Baker.

But it's going to cost everyone
a month's allowance.

You wanna make it two?

Now, when your mother leaves tomorrow,
I need everyone to pull their own weight.

Now go upstairs and go to your rooms.

Soaking his underwear in meat?
How did they come up with that?

If I could harness that ingenuity
and channel it into something constructive.

Like getting somebody
to help you while I'm gone.

I can handle it.
Even without the better half of the tag team.

- I'm just worried. I've never left the kids...
- Honey, it's three days.

I know. I'm just...
I'm gonna miss them.

OK. I froze some dinners. Make sure
they get to school on time. It's their first day.

Mom can be back from New York
in two hours if something happens.

Only one hour with the time difference.
I hugged everybody.

One more hug. You guys pass it on.
Thank you, sweetheart.

- I love you.
- I love you too.

Do I have everything?

All right.

- Bye, Mom.
- I love you.

- Love you.
- Have a safe flight.

Got the whole neighborhood out
to say goodbye, huh?

Bye, Mom.

Little vampires.
My plan worked. She's gone.

Now I can raise you children
the way I want to.

Come on, it's gonna be fun.
Your dream has come true. Mom's gone.

Weak old Dad is here.
You can get away with murder.

Dylan's birthday party is coming up. You can
get all hopped up on ice cream and cake

and go crazy.

You kids are gonna do great today, I promise.

What is that?

I guess he's the funniest guy in the herd.

Walk much?

- Hi. Look at you, Diane.
- Hi.

- Look at you. You did not have 12 kids.
- Yes, I did.

- I can't even manage a boyfriend.
- Who can? Look at this room.

- It's great.
- Isn't it great?

- We've got big plans for the book.
- Really? I'm so... Look at it.

- Isn't it great?
- It's fantastic. I love it. Look at this.

- The company want it in stores by Christmas.
- Christmas?

Tomorrow the marketing people
will bring you up to speed on the book tour.

- A book tour?
- Yes.

Talk shows, book signings, personal
appearances. Only a couple of weeks.

A couple of weeks? Oh, no.
I can't be away from the kids that long.

- Well, if there's no book tour, there's no book.
- Two weeks?

Kate, you've been the primary care giver for
22 years. Can't Tom handle the kids for a bit?

They're all going to end up on milk cartons.

Gil, Decker and Rico are playing too loose
at the corners. We need to pull them in.

Sarah, dishwasher.

I'll come by tomorrow
after I've dropped the kids off at school.

All right. I gotta go.

Dad, Nigel hit Kim with a dart
and I assume he will be punished.

Jake, get me a Band-Aid.
Go stir, you like to stir.

Let's take a look, see if it's OK.

I'm just kidding. It's not...

- Dad?
- Yeah?

- This goo's on fire.
- No, that's the way Dad likes it.

Nice and hot and nice and spicy.
Yeah. Here we go. Got it.

- All right.
- Hey, Dad.

- Good. Can you get a Band-Aid?
- No need to say hello.

- No kids in this neighborhood do chores.
- We're not like any other family here.

Right. So why do we live here?

Dishwasher now. Jessica, can you get these
plates and put them on the table, please?

What the...? Mike's athletic cup?

Pasta de la crotch.

- Is that blood?
- No, it's just a...

Clean up on aisle 12.

- Anybody?
- You need help cleaning up, Dad?

- I'm in puke.
- Are you all right?

- Still need help cleaning up?
- No, you mopped it up with your back.

Disgusting. Where's the Band-Aid?

- Dad, it still hurts.
- Let me look.

- Nora, where's that Band-Aid?
- Jake put a bucket on Jessica's head. It stuck.

When they've a free moment, let my parents
know that I got a job in an ad agency today.

Nora.

- Nora...
- Dad, a little help here.

Nora.

- Are you all right?
- You are in over your head, mister.

I'm so sorry.
It's just my wife is out of town.

Come here.

- Can I kill Jake now?
- No. Finish washing the car first.

- Can you put this Band-Aid on me?
- Yes. Let's go. OK.

Everything's gonna be all right.
Give me the Band-Aid.

Let's see.
Does that hurt? OK, good.

There. It's all right. Good.

Nigel, wanna play darts?

No playing darts. I told you that.

- Hello.
- Hi. How's it going?

Everything's fine.
I'm just making dinner.

Dad, check me out.
Isn't this awesome?

- How are you?
- Good, I guess.

It's kinda weird having all this free time.
Sure everything's all right?

Everything's fine.
Look, I can handle it.

I'm just used to us tag-teaming
to manage the mob.

- No. They're like kittens.
- Sorry, Dad.

This might be a good time, then,
to talk about me staying a few extra days.

- What? A few extra days?
- 14, give or take.

What did I say about throwing darts?

That's a lot of days,
and a couple of key games.

All right. But I have a plan.
We take it one day at a time.

If you start to get overwhelmed or the kids
stage a coup, I'm home, end of trip.

- Well... Sounds good.
- We got him in the face.

OK, honey. Thanks for doing this.
Give me someone.

They're doing homework right now.

It's that math trigography thing
that you and I just aren't very good at.

It's the sweetest thing. They formed a little
study group and they're helping each other.

It's like a little mini think-tank thing.

And I just hate to break that up.

Give everyone my love,
and you call me right after dinner, OK?

- OK. Will do.
- Bye.

- Bye.
- Come on, Dad. Don't hide in the closet.

Take it like a man.

- Two weeks will go by in no time, guys.
- Yeah, right.

Yeah, right.

Yeah?

What's up? Come in.

Look, your mom's not coming home
for a couple of weeks.

What?

OK. I've been mellow about this whole
"having it all" lifestyle you and Mom are into.

A - because Sarah
has the drama-queen role totally covered.

And B - because I've benefited
from your salary spike

in various shallow
but nonetheless pleasing ways.

But, Dad, this afternoon,
Mike was rappelling from the roof,

Nigel was using Kim as a human dartboard
and you employed your son as a vomit mop.

- Things are getting pretty twisted round here.
- I need to hire some help.

A baby-sitter? That is so not happening.

Dad, just call Mom
and tell her we need her back home.

I can't do that right now, not with all the work
she's done. It wouldn't be fair.

Then why don't you spend
more time at home?

Honey, that's just not an option right now.
I've got a big job, a job that I love.

I'm gonna have to call in some back-up.

Hello. My name is Tom Baker
and I'm interested in hiring a domestic help.

I have 12 children.

I'm serious.

Just 12.

12.

There's only two. Plus ten.

How many kids?
When you get here, we can count them.

There's 12. But one doesn't live with me,
and one you never see cos he's so mad.

A dozen.

Just 12.

Hello. I'll just hang up on myself.

- Hey, Dad.
- Hey, Mike. What's up?

- It's Mark.
- Right. Mark. What's up?

I don't get this math homework.

I got a game I'm not nearly prepared for.
Can you ask one of your sisters to help you?

Yeah. OK.

Forget it.

Hello. Could you do me a favor
and send up 12 pillows to 504?

Yes. Thank you.

That'll be good.

"Kids, had to get to work."

"Lorraine and Kim are in charge of breakfast.
Jake, lunches. Charlie, the drop-offs."

Come on, Charlie, we're gonna be late.

Cute car seats, Baker.

We had to take our little brothers
to nursery school, if that's OK with you.

Did Mommy and Daddy go back to the farm?

This whole "harass the hick" thing's
getting pretty old.

Actually, I'm just getting started.

- Yeah? What else you got?
- You don't wanna know.

- I wanna know.
- Charlie, stop.

Stop. Just let it go, OK? Please.

Yeah, Charlie. Let it go and go -
all the way back to Podunk.

Charlie, go.

Gil, I got a shot with this team. They're rising
in the standings, taking nothing for granted.

- Hey, Coach.
- Hey, teenager. What's up?

- We need to talk.
- Sure.

- Look, Dad...
- Guys, knock it off.

All right, Coach.

I know you're all lit up about this new job,
but my new school...

- Press is waiting.
- Now?

- Yeah. Come on, get dressed.
- Can we do this later?

Hey, kids. How was school?

The high point was that you're only
45 minutes late picking us up.

There was a pep rally at school today. 20,000
people in the stands. I just couldn't leave.

Here.

You did a drawing.
"My favorite place in the world."

Is that the Midland house?

President Gerhard and I
have been waiting for half an hour.

- I'm sorry. I had to...
- Responsibilities at home.

But this is your shot, your moment,
not theirs.

What's the matter with you? You've wanted
this for as long as I've known you.

- I just don't wanna see you blow it.
- I'll work something out.

It's hard to believe
someone as staggeringly beautiful as you

can deliver 12 children
and still look as yummy as you do.

That's so sweet.
I guess the camera can't see my hips.

Tell us, did you have them conventionally?

Well, after the sixth one,
they just kinda walked out.

- Why don't you read us a little something?
- No, people can buy it and read it.

Come on. Don't you wanna hear this?

All right. OK.

"Some call me a mom,
others call me a primary care giver,

but they both mean the same thing -
chauffeur."

Sounds like you and your husband
have things under control.

I'm lucky to have him. We sure do.

Kids, on the carpet now.

Dad.

College guys?

- What's going on here?
- Where's Charlie?

- He went to Midland for the day.
- Midland? It's a school day.

- He hates school.
- You don't know that cos you're never home.

That is about to change, Sarah Baker.

Since I can't go to work
without you getting in trouble

and I can't stay home
without Shake bugging me,

I have brought my work home with me.

Guys, meet the family. Family, meet the team.

- What's up, boys?
- What's up?

We will be in the living room. I don't want
any interruptions unless it's an emergency.

OK. Now go do your homework.
Let's go, guys.

All right. First team, line it up.

Good, good. But you hit him too high.
You wanna hit him low.

You gotta pass...

Dad's home.

How's New York?

Hi.

OK, I gotta go now.

I love you.

- Step off, missy.
- Don't talk that way unless it's with humor.

Something tells me you had an unpleasant
interaction with those boys, Mark.

They knocked my glasses off.

- I heard you were dissing my family.
- I don't even know your family, loser.

- You do now.
- My latte.

- Hello?
- Coach, come on, give us a quote.

Violence begets violence.

All right. Enough is enough.

You're slacking on chores,
fighting in school. It's out of control.

- As of this moment, you are all grounded.
- What's grounded?

What's grounded?
I'll tell you what grounded is.

Except for attending games, you go
to school, you come home from school,

you do your homework, you do your chores,
you go to bed, and that's it.

- But that...
- Yes, Sarah, I know. That sucks.

- That's the way it is.
- Does it mean we can't go to Dylan's party?

- That's exactly what it means.
- But we bought his presents already.

You are going to miss it.

Now go to bed.

Gunner, wanna get up on the bed, buddy?

Come on.

Come on.

Next year let's book
the Mormon Tabernacle Choir too.

Whatever happened
to Pin The Tail On The Donkey?

And on the end around, the guard pulls.
That means you, Buttler.

I'm going to Dylan's birthday party.
Who's with me?

Yeah.

Hi...

Brazilian mud viper.
She gets one live rat a week.

Dylan, wanna play catch
with the football I got you?

My nanny would have to check with my dad,
who'd have to check with my mom,

who'd say it was
an inappropriate use of free time.

Sounds like a yes to me.
Go get it, Mike.

O'Neal, you gotta crack the first guy
that chills outside.

Run, Billy, run.

Kids.

- Get my kids. Meet you at the house. Ready?
- Break.

- Sarah Baker, off now.
- No way.

Don't make me come up there.

Oh, my God. It's gonna blow.

It was my best birthday ever, Coach.

- Your kids will never play with Dylan again.
- Sorry about your arm.

- Hello, Shake.
- Know what this could do to my program?

I don't want players at your house
or kids in the Athletic Department.

Coach. How will this impact
Saturday's game?

What do you have to say to reports
that you're spreading yourself too thin?

Is this childcare or football?

Sarah, you're on with Kate Baker.

- Mom, it's Sarah.
- Hi, Sarah. Is everything OK?

- Come home immediately.
- I wanna talk to her.

Hello?

Now look what you did.

- Dad?
- Nora. Thanks for coming.

- Thank you, thank you.
- You seemed kinda desperate.

Yeah, well...
They're everywhere.

You guys?

- Hi.
- I just talked to the kids. I know everything.

Dylan's in hospital, Charlie's going to be
expelled, Nora's taking time off to baby-sit.

- Can we do this later, Kate?
- No.

Tom, you promised that you would
let me know if you couldn't handle it.

I'm doing the best I can.
Please, let's talk later. Bye.

- What's the matter?
- The book tour's over. I'm going home.

Get a move on, guys.
We gotta get dinner on the table.

Hi, it's me.
OK, I'm coming home.

I know this is going to be a strain

but the publisher has arranged for the Oprah
Winfrey Show to tape at home tomorrow.

I'm really gonna need you guys' help.
We're talking Bakers full force.

Boys, you clean outside. Girls, inside.
Everybody in clean clothes.

Tom, if you could please supervise this one
last thing, I would really appreciate it.

OK? All right. Bye.

Sounds like somebody
got his jimmy whipped.

Jimmy whipped.

Mommy.

Beans? You OK?

Go get dressed, guys.

- Hello.
- It's me.

My flight was delayed. They lost my luggage.
I'm getting there as soon as I can.

OK. Hey, those are for Oprah's people.

- Is the house cleaned?
- We're working on it, Kate.

OK. I'll see you when I see you.

OK, guys. Good job. Now go inside
and get cleaned up. Come on, hustle up.

Camera truck's here.

I need warm water. Look out, Dad.

- Don't make a mess in the kitchen.
- Hello? The Baker house?

- Yeah. You guys from Oprah?
- Yes, sir.

- She's really gonna be here?
- Any time now.

OK. Well, just set up anywhere.

- Will do.
- Let's go, guys.

- Knock much?
- You got kicked off the football team.

- Look who decided to be a parent.
- Let's check that attitude, Charlie.

I don't fit in this town, Dad.
I'm going back to Midland.

You are not dropping out of school
or walking out on this family.

What family?

Since we moved everybody looks out
for number one - especially you and Mom.

We're doing what we think
is best for everyone.

Whoa. You did not take
this coaching job for us.

You took this because you were a loser
in college while Shake was a superstar.

If you want your shot at glory, if you want
to have it all, do what you gotta do.

But quit feeding us this line
about being a happier and stronger family.

This move was about you.

And I don't have to sit here and pay the price
for your life choices. I'm leaving.

You're staying.

Are you gonna make me?

Charlie, I love you.
I want you to have the best life you can have.

And that means you are getting a diploma.

When I graduate, I'm gone.

Charlie, am I looking OK for national TV?

You know, you turned into a jerk
when we moved here.

Everybody turned into a jerk
when we moved here.

Charlie.

- Mom's home.
- Mommy.

- Mommy.
- Hi.

- Never go away again.
- Mom, listen up. Here's the siti.

Dad is stressed
to the point of total meltdown,

Charlie is a step away from juvi,
and Mark's frog...

- OK. Oprah's coming. We'll talk about it later.
- Whatever.

I just want to get everything ready.
What's the deal with Charlie?

- Fine, thanks. How are you?
- Sorry. Hi.

- Charlie got kicked off the football team.
- What?

I'm handling it.

- Shake. President Gerhard.
- Tom, we need a minute.

Please don't die, Beans.

The university is prepared to invest
in the program, but we want assurances.

- What does that mean?
- Are you committed to the program?

You have to decide who's making the bacon
and who's cooking it.

- What's it gonna be, Tom?
- Tom?

- Didn't you pick up my dry-cleaning?
- Yes, dear. It's in the front closet.

I guess the wife just answered our question.

The wife's name is Kate, Shake.

What a wiener.

I want an answer by Monday, Tom.
This meeting's over.

I'm all right.

I love you.

I'm gonna go get ready.

Sorry, Dad.

- What's this?
- Hank slept over.

- Do you have a problem with that?
- Yes, I have a problem with that.

- This house is G-rated.
- Chief, Nora's a big girl...

Now would be an excellent time
for you to be very, very quiet.

Chief.

Get dressed and get downstairs.

Whoa.

I can't believe you let things get this bad
around here. I can't believe it.

You didn't pick the perfect moment
to have a career.

OK. I'm not even
going to touch that hypocrisy.

You told me to go to New York. Mr "I can
handle it. Everything will be OK. Go, Kate."

- Help me, would you?
- You're saying you didn't want to go?

No. I want a lot of things. So do you.
That's the problem.

- This isn't working.
- Yeah. That's my point.

I meant the zipper.

- Let's just get through the next hour.
- Fine.

Fine.

OK, everybody.
I know it's been a difficult day,

but I need all of you
to put on happy faces, all right?

Everything's great.
We're a big, happy family.

Remember the nice things to say to Oprah.
"Love your hair," things like that.

Big smiles. Let me see 'em.

- Mom, Beans is dead.
- Nobody cares about your frog, Fed Ex.

Stop calling me that.

- What's the name of this segment again?
- "One Big Happy Family."

I'm calling Oprah's people.

All I'm saying is that families are inevitable.
It's like death or taxes.

- Does that mean you don't want children?
- Children? Hello? They're monsters.

Honey, you can't want this.
That's why you're with me.

Nora. We need you down here.

- You're messing up my hair. Stop.
- Nigel, get off your brother's head.

- Get off me. Nobody cares about me.
- Mark.

- Nobody cares about me.
- What's going on? Mark.

You do not want to come down here.

No, it's the farthest thing
from a happy family.

- Feel free to sleep on the couch.
- You read my mind.

Daddy, are you and Mommy
gonna get a divorce?

Mark's gone.

- Mark's gone.
- What?

Dad.

What I said before, I was out of line.

Forget it.

You were right.

Mark.

- Hello?
- Mark ran away. Is he with you?

No. We'll come help you look.

There's me.

- Mark's missing.
- Take it to the max. Tommy Max.

Let's go.

I look great.

Did you not hear me?
My brother is missing.

Did you not hear me? I'm on TV.

What was that for?

- What do you want?
- My son Mark ran away. He's not here, is he?

I always knew one of your kids would land
on a milk carton. 12 is just too big a number.

- We'll help you look for him.
- It's past Dylan's bedtime.

We're gonna look for him, Tina.

- Thank you.
- Sure.

Let the police handle it.
You'll never find him.

We'll find him.
Like you said, 12's a big number.

- Mark.
- Mark.

He's about that high and he's got red hair and
glasses. There's a photo. You can keep that.

No luck. I've been everywhere.

Well, thanks for looking.

- Where's Hank?
- He's not gonna make the cut.

I hope the family isn't to blame.

They're totally to blame.

I'll check the train and bus stations.

- He wouldn't get on a train or a bus.
- He might.

Those times when I ran away from Midland,
I was going to get on a train to Chicago -

my favorite place in the world.

"My favorite place in the world."

You said we'd be happier.
You didn't keep your promise.

I know. I'm sorry.

Mom.

Honey.

We missed you, sweetheart.

- Do that again, I'll have to pound you.
- But I thought I was Fed Ex.

Your eccentricities
and vision problems are genetic traits

and could be attributed
to any number of the Baker ancestors.

Without you, we wouldn't be
the 12 Bakers anymore.

We'd be, like, 11.

I figured everybody hated me,
like Sarah and Lorraine hate each other.

There are times when I want to kill Sarah,
but I'd kill for her all the time.

Come here, cutie.

Tom? Honey, you want to
say something? A few words?

Sure.

Beans was a good frog.

He was not like a lot of the bad frogs
you hear about today - all hopped up.

He was lovable, he was almost human.
He was like one of the family.

Except that, of course,
he was green and he ate flies.

But he was a hopper.

He hipped and he hopped.

He loved hip-hop.

Mark, why don't you...?
I think you should say something.

For a long time, you were the only person
I could talk to. That's different now.

But you're the one
who got me through. Thanks.

I'm resigning after the season, Shake.

Giving up the dream, huh?

- Just going with a different one.
- No regrets?

If I screw up raising my kids,
nothing I achieve will matter much.

Thank you.

We'll make an announcement
at the end of the week.

Come on, keep the assembly line up here.
We gotta get this done.

- Where's Dad?
- He went to the game.

Why didn't he ask us to go?

Because he didn't want you to be there
on the day that he quits his job.

He's quitting his job?

- What would we have to do so he wouldn't?
- I'll give up clarinet.

I'll go back to hand-me-downs.

OK. Ease up, everybody. Listen.

Dad makes his own decisions and he's
doing this because it's what he wants.

In that case, I take back what I said
about the hand-me-downs.

I thought so.
Anybody else wanna take back their offer?

Yeah. There we go.

I guess you could say that
when Tom and I left Midland

we had a mess of theories
about how to raise children.

We still have a mess of children,
but no theories.

Sure, 12 is still our number.

It's the number of months
my book was on the bestseller list.

It's the number of job offers Tom turned
down before we found one close to home.

And each day it's the number of times
I'm thankful there's such a thing as family.

Yeah. You got room for all your big old family
in that new apartment?

- You're on camera, Steve.
- Sorry.

- You idiot.
- I'm sorry.

Yeah. You got room
in your new apartment for that...

Battle-axe of a wife of mine.

- Act angry, not grumpy.
- I really am grumpy.

That's good.

Two times. Then I'm going outside.

Yeah. Actually, we're almost done.
Let's do it. On your mark, get set, go.

- I don't wanna move.
- OK. Right. Good job. OK.

I listened the goodest.

- I don't wanna do it anymore.
- One more time.

Last one and we're outta here. OK. Cut.

Cut.

Somebody help me.

- Whoa.
- Just for the record, Mom...

Be careful, pally. Slow down on that stuff.

You're not gonna remember a damn thing
in school if you suck 'em back like I do.

On the end around, the guard pulls.
That means you, Buttler. Wow.

Cut.

- Action.
- Frankly, I'm concerned.

I go round, those kids start beating on me.
What if I get a black eye?

Frankly, I'm concerned. We go round,
the kids set me on fire, they beat me.

They're abusive.

This is how I get jobs, right here.

I'm sorry, I looked at myself in the camera -
cos I'm so good looking. They set me on fire.

Get all the kids wrapped in duct tape.

Maybe we can just roll ourselves in duct tape
and I can just roll you across the floor.

Together maybe.

Visiontext Subtitles: Sue Whitfield

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