All language subtitles for Holy Flying Circus (2011).Unspecifnglish

This programme contains adult humour
and very strong language.

Shalam.

That's a bit controversial,
isn't it?

HE FARTS LOUDLY

Holy (BLEEP) Circus.

MUSIC: Theme from
Monty Python's Flying Circus:
"The Liberty Bell" by JP Sousa

HEAVENLY CHOIR: ♪ Amen. ♪

I'll sit over here.

Hello, Graham. Johnny.

Barry.

So what did you think?
Of the rough cut?

Fantastic. Absolutely fantastic.

Loved it. I think it might be the
best thing we've done. Oh, easily.

By miles. Now I've spoken to Chris
who's head of North America

and we'd like to open it first
in the States.

Aw Terrific. Really terrific.
So what's the thinking?

The First Amendment guarantees
the right to freedom of speech.

Plus it's a melting pot, there's all
kinds of different religions
out there. And it's Hollywood.

And Chris reckons you're ready
to play with the big boys now.

Jolly good.

I love Americans.

Here in New York City Monty Python's
Life of Brian had its world premiere

and Americans have come
from far and wide to see it.

Not to watch the film,
but to protest against it.

I'm going to ask them why.

This film is disgusting.
Enough with the stereotypes.

It's not funny. How is this funny?

Life Of Brian is an evil film.

And Monty Python is an evil man.

I would like to say
it's morally repugnant.

And also, kill the blacks.

I agree with him.

Except the bit about killing black
people. Obviously, that's not cool.

That went well.

I knew it. Americans. Total idiots.

Waste of space. Wasn't all bad.

I got this lovely jacket.

Yes. Very nice. We won't have the
same problems here though, right?

Protests? Here?
Oh, no, I wouldn't think so no.

Because the Great British Public,
they aren't quick to judge
or completely close-minded?

Oh, no, sorry.
They ARE quick to judge

and massively closed-minded. Not
the queers. Apart from the queers.

Right, here are the press cuttings
and early box office breakdowns.

Listen to this. This is from Variety.

Rabbi Hecht says the film, quote,
'could result in violence'. Oh, yes.

Copycat crucifixions.
I hadn't thought of that.

That is a worry, isn't it? Cretin.

I mean, they've been out of favour
for two thousand years but suddenly
all the kids will be doing it.

"Hey, Johnny, want to come out
for a kick-about?"

"No, no, no. Me and Gary thought
we'd nail his brother to a tree."

I think the Rabbi meant violent
protest. As in violence against us.

Right. Well, that wasn't clear.

It sort of was. Wasn't.

Was. Wasn't.
Really was. Really wasn't.

He goes on to say the movie
was produced in Hell.

Oh, I love that.

Could we have a scene where we show
some Christians killing some babies?

Oh, yeah, funny.
That is funny. I like that.

Jesus having sex with Judas?
Good. Offensive. Put that in.

Maybe a scene where Jesus is on
the cross and gets quite turned on

and ejaculates over everyone?

Oh, that is sick.
That's... you've gone way too far.

That crosses a fucking line.

Oh, crap!

So, while you're all
in the same room, gents,

I just need you to sign these
release forms for
distribution in France.

Oh, so we're getting
released in France? Yeah.

Have you seen French films?
It's all picnics and incest.

You can't shock that lot.

And what about here?

There's no need to worry.

Well, I wasn't going to worry

but now you've said there's no need
to worry I'm thinking I might worry.

You're not getting cold feet,
are you, Barry?

No, course not.

All I'm saying is,
you know, let's not project it
on to the side of Westminster Abbey

or start selling Life of Brian
Christmas crackers.

Have you seen Monty Python's
Life of Brian Christmas crackers?

Knock knock. Who's there? No-one.

We're all alone
in a godless universe.

ALL LAUGH

Monty Python's Life of Brian
Christmas crackers.

Fun for all the family. As long
as you're not Christian, easily
offended or expecting good jokes.

Hee-hee-hee-hee!

So...

it's all going OK here so far?

Yes, there's been the odd article,
nothing too bad.

Mind you, we haven't opened yet.

If it wasn't going well,

if things got bad...

would you be OK?

Even if all the religious leaders
in the world denounce you,
I'll be there for you. Thank you.

Until we die. When I'll go to heaven
and you'll be in hell.

That's nice. Oh, I'm joking!

It's a joke.
It's not a very funny joke.

Terry would have found it funny.

Terry's got a terrific
sense of humour.

Can I have a cuddle?
Oh, of course you can.

Oh, God, gently love!

Sorry... (HIGH-PITCHED) Sorry!

I just came from Wildlife...
Shall we begin?

Right! Listen up. I'm in charge.

This is the office for
Friday Night, Saturday Morning?

Yes. Good. Well, listen up.

I know you were all expecting
to be working with Trevor

and I'm sure you were terribly
saddened by his sudden death

but I'm in charge now
and he's history. Moving on.

Point two. That was point one.

Point two. I don't care what you
think you were doing before.

You're not doing that now. You,
what did you think you were doing?

A chat show? Wrong!

Chat shows are bullshit.

I don't want to make a chat show.

People chatting? Uh-uh. Boring.
People talking? Now you're talking.

I'm not sure I follow.
I want this show to be about
where Britain's at today.

The Sixties were all free love,
anything goes.

The Seventies were
No Sex Please, We're British
and everything's a downer.

But we're about to
head in to a new decade.

What will the Britain of the
future be like? Will it be prim?

Or full of quim? Oh, dear God.
You, bring me a chair.

So, how are you going to do all that
on what will essentially be something
quite like a chat show? OK.

Random example.

We have a homeless guy. What?

Hear me out, big man.
We have a homeless guy
on the same show as the Queen.

Oh, right...Really?
No, it's just an example.
I'm showing you what's possible.

I'm reaching into your tiny mind
and opening the doors of the TARDIS.

It's a police box. Whoosh!
No it's not, it's Narnia. You!

I want you to build me a set
that looks like I've dropped acid
in Hawaii. Oh yeah.

I'm out there. It'll be like
when Dylan went electric.

That's what's happening, so
boo me, beardy, or get on board.

Sorry, who are you?
Well, I'm Alan Dick.

I'm the new BBC Head of Talk. So...
I'm confused. It's my first day.

Do I answer to you, or do I work
for the producer, Iain Johnstone?

You answer to me. Oh.
Oh. Brilliant. Isn't it?

All these 'orrible bags...I dunno.

Oh!

This is a bit of script
from Life of Brian.

This looks like
it might be quite offensive.

I should pass this on to someone who
might find it even more offensive.

All right, Desmond. The usual, is it?
Yes, please, Keith.

And a pint of mild, thanks.

ARSE, BALLS, PRICK, SHIT!

No problem.

There's your pint of lager.
Keep the change. Cheers. Grand.

Sam tells me you've got news
on the Life of Brian.

Prepare to be blown away...

I'M NOT QUEER!

Where did you get hold of this?

A man found out it
out walking his dog.
You didn't steal it did you?

No. A man really did find it while
out walking his dog. WANKER!

Is it real? I DID IT WITH STENCILS!

I didn't.
I've got a friend who is a comedy
writer and a committed Christian.

Really? It's odd, isn't it?
Anyway I'll show him this and if
he can verify it's 100% genuine

we can get the ball rolling. BALLS!

Sorry.

Well, I suppose congratulations are
in order. Well done, Desmond.
Cheers.

SCROTUMS! Cheers! BANJO FUCKER!

The bad language.
Is it, is it...are you...?

The doctor suggested
seeing a therapist.

A bit American, isn't it?

YANK ME! It is a bit. Of course,
the irony is a few hundred years ago

someone like me would probably
have someone like you burnt at the
stake for being possessed by demons.

That's not very nice.

BELL-END!

What about this?

We get Harold Wilson.

Harold Wilson
the former Prime Minister?

OK. I can work with that.
Yeah. Harold Wilson.

And a bin man.
Ask them the same question -

why is this country such a mess?
But the bin men are on strike?

You're right.

Shit idea. Fuck it, bin it... it's
gone, it's history. Moving on.

You! Any ideas? Too slow. Forget it.

Yes? I didn't say anything.

What about Life of Brian?

Did you see that news report
about the US opening? Ah, yes,

now, good, because Iain suggested...

OK, for the UK premiere
we get the Pythons versus...

the Pope.

The Pope? The actual Pope?

Try the Pope. Aim high.
Start there and work your way down.

How about bishops?

Bishops. Fantastic. I love bishops.

I can just imagine it.

What have the Christians
ever given us? Well...

a moral code, charity, good works,
inspiration, counter-veiling,

an oppositional force
against the evils of capitalism.

Yeah, apart from that, what
have the Christians ever given us?

Christian names? Very useful.

Yeah, obviously Christian names.

Apart from that, what have
the Christian ever given us?

Hot cross buns?
Yes, I can see it now.

It'll be like one of their sketches.
Hilarious.

Do you want it to be funny? Or do
you want it to be a proper debate?

I want it to be a proper debate.
That is also funny. And moving.

And edgy.

And I want it to win a BAFTA.

I see. I'm serious. This could be
the greatest TV show ever made.
Who else have you got for that night?

Paul Jones and Norris McWhirter.
Maybe not.

So who's heard about Sue Lawley?

Now you've had a letter off the
BBC asking if you want go on
Friday Night, Saturday Morning

to do a debate on Brian
with some religious types.
Is there any money in it? No. Oh.

I don't want to do anything
for the BBC any more.

I got so bored and fed up on
Flying Circus of them wanting us
to rework our scripts.

Telling us we could only
have three shits or a bugger.

Ridiculous rule.

Who came up with that, anyway?

That was the BBC's
Head of Rude Words.

Lovely chap.

Used to get terribly
embarrassed though.

So, this is the list of
words the sample group
said they found the most offensive.

Cunt.

So sorry.

Motherfucker. Is that two words?

I think it's just the one. Right.

Then comes 'fuck'.

Good old fuck.

Ahem. No? Sorry.

Moving on. Cocksucker.

Shit. We are now over the worst.

Bastard.

Tits.

Winky woo. Maybe you could
just give me the list? Good idea.

I could have done that in the first
place. Saved this whole...

scene.

So do we have a decision on the
show? What do you think? Fine by me.
I'm happy to plug the film.

No. Absolutely not. I forbid it.

Why? Because. Because what?

No. Do you
want to elaborate on that position?

We don't need to explain ourselves.
It's all in the film.

I've got to tell them something,
I know you've got to do

your little vote thing
so shall we just skip to that?

All those in favour of boycotting
say, "Fuck Auntie Beeb!". F...

Right.

We're all on Mike's side, are we?
ALL: Yes. Why?

Because he is
The Nicest Man In The World?

Pretty much. Yup.

Do you want to change your
mind, John? No. All right,
so you're not unanimous, are you?

No.

And we have to be unanimous.
Thus, I win.

Does that make you happy, love? No.

OK, I've had it verified.

It's as real as the Turin Shroud.
That is b-b-b-b...

BOLLOCKS! Brilliant? Yes, I know!

And if this is the route that
Python are taking, then who knows

what else could be in the film?
TITS!

Probably. Now.
I've given it some thought.

And what we don't want is
to give them free publicity

or turn them into martyrs. So
I'm suggesting a back-door approach.

GAYLORD! W-w-w-w-w...

What's the plan? Well, we lobby
the BBFC and urge them

to think of the consequences of
allowing the film to be shown.

Oh, you know w-w-what else
we could do?

W-W-W-We could ask people to pray,

You know, just let God sort it out.

Yes. Could do.

Let's not rely on that though.

OK, everyone. Let's get out there
and spread the word. MARMITE!

They turn the crucifixion
into a song-and-dance number.

They ridicule the Sermon on the
Mount. You see Jesus's willy.

Apparently, if you watch
the film backwards it implies

Jesus made the healthy sick
and went round blinding people.

I heard they burn a puppy in the
belly of a giant wicker kitten.

Why? Exactly.

That's fucked up.

But what if we have
over-stepped the mark? Hey, come on.

We all knew Mary Whitehouse and
the Festival of Light weren't going
to like it. You worry too much.

I can't help it. I do. Why is that?

Why do you worry about what other
people think? Gee, I don't know.

Maybe it's because you're
the Nicest Man in the World.

That's ridiculous. Excuse me, miss.

You dropped this. Thank you.

John just likes saying that
as a dig.

You see? What? Morning, Bill.

Get yourself some lunch.

You're constantly doing nice things.
I really don't think that's true.

You're also self-deprecating
about it.

I'm no more self-deprecating
than the next man.

You're even self-deprecating
about being self-deprecating.

Oh, great! What?

I've trodden in some dog poop.

Oh, Terry, I'm sorry,
that was probably my fault
for distracting you. Have a tissue.

It hasn't even come out yet.
Sells papers.

It's hardly fair reporting, is it?

I'm not in the business of
fair reporting, I'm in the
business of selling papers.

I notice you haven't
made fun of the Muslims.

Why would we make fun
of the Muslims? Why not?

Are you afraid of them?

It's 1979. No-one in this
country knows anything about Islam.

No-one's read the Koran.
Have you read the Koran? Yes.

Have you? No. No.

And do you know why?

Doesn't sell papers.
Because this is a Christian country

with a Christian heritage.
And we are brought up
within a Christian framework.

OK. Imagine it's the future and
there are two and a half million
Muslims living in Britain.

Would you make a film
about them then?

No! That would still only be
four percent of the population.

Assuming, of course, the population
had risen to, let's say,
61½ million.

And I would still doubt, given
the general decline in standards

of education that your average
Briton would have read the Koran.

That's just a cop out. No it isn't.

Christianity stands as a metaphor
for all organised religions
and the abuse they're open to.

You're just scared of reprisals.

Scared of reprisals? Scared of...

Hello. John Cleese here.
Sorry to interrupt.

Just wanted to point out that this
a fictional representation of me

based loosely
on my Basil Fawlty persona.

Oh, please, Mr Fawlty!

You breaking my head!

In real life, I'm a lovely man.

Oh, a dolly,
thank you, that is so nice.

So there you have it.
Just to reiterate, John Cleese...

in real life,
absolutely tremendous chap.

Thanks for listening.

KITTEN MEWS

Yes, I'm very well.
Hang on a moment, please.

Miiiichaaaael!

Miiiichaaaael!
It's your mum for you.

Hello, Mum!

"Michael, have you seen the news?"

"About all these protests?" Yes,
Mum. "I'm really worried, Michael.

"I'm worried sick.
I can't tell you how worried I am.

"It's so worrying."

DOORBELL
"Oh, that's the door,
I've got to go."

HANGS UP
Bye then, Mum.

I want the Pythons! We've asked them
already and they said no.

Oh, all right, so what?
We just give up?

No. This is Friday Night,
Saturday Morning.

I'm not here to make bland TV,
I want to make something memorable.

I want people to come in to work
the next day and talk about the show
as they stand around the...

water jug.

I want a water jug moment.
I'm creating water jug television.

What? What if people don't have a
water jug? And the next day
is a Saturday.

Most people don't work Saturdays.
Shut up! I want the Pythons,

so get me the bloody Pythons.

Barbara Dixon is available.

The Two Ronnies
don't need her this week.

Good.

Barbara Dixon is the closest thing
this country has to a true star.
And she's totty.

Very classy totty.

So Barry here has asked me
to outline a defence
if a religious group

tries to get the film banned
for being blasphemous.

But before I do that...
can I just say,

Huge fan.

Moving on,
the basis of the case we would make
in that eventuality is that

Brian and Jesus
are two different people

and that Jesus appears as
a separate character in the film.

So that's a robust defence, is it?

You're confident that will work? No.
It's a bit of a punt, to be honest,

But let's hope it works!

I don't want to be the man
who sent the Pythons to prison!

Right. Yes. And that's it, is it?

Fingers crossed? Touch wood?

Say a prayer? Afraid so.

And I hate to say this...

because I am a fan...but you did
sort of bring this on yourselves.

I beg your pardon?
Well, the blasphemy laws remained
unused for about 60 years.

But about two years ago
a poem was published in Gay News...

which I believe Graham here
was instrumental in setting up.

Well, I am gay. I like news. And
it's very good for film reviews.

Fuck the film reviews,
what was the poem about?

It was a poem about a Roman soldier
sticking things into Jesus's

stigmata while he was on the cross
and becoming aroused by that. What?

Who the fuck would write a poem
about a soldier sticking his knob
in a crucified man's spear wounds?

I've had an idea for a poem.
Is it about wound fucking?

Yeah. Sounds good. I'm writing a
novel about a dysfunctional family
in a Northern mining town. Really?

No, I'm kidding. It's actually
about a really hot guy who likes
to jizz over guys in a burns unit.

Oh, my God. That sounds amazing.
It's actually very moving.

Mary Whitehouse
didn't like the poem. No shit.

And the upshot was
she prosecuted Gay News.

And that reactivated
the blasphemy laws.
And you lot knew about this?

Oh, yes, they contributed to
the Gay News fighting fund -

which is a principled stand
I really admired.

Big fan of that.

Although, wearing my QC's hat,
or wig,

I would say it was unhelpful.

Or, to put it in the words of my
nine-year-old grandson, 'Jo-ey!'.

No.

I thought that would be quite funny.

Whoa, epic fail.

Dear BBC,

the Joey Deacon reference
in Holy Flying Circus
is inexcusable.

The story is set in 1979

and Mr Deacon did not appear on
Blue Peter until 1981

therefore, a nine-year-old
would be unlikely to be aware
of his existence

unless you're implying he was a
relative or neighbour WHICH I DOUBT.

Also, the sub-Python
self-referential

quasi-avant garde
posturing bullshit sucks arse.

Big...hairy...nana...arse.

Come in!

Yeah, I want a three-part series
about canals.

a documentary about Scandinavian jazz
and some old footage of a barge.

That's all we'll be showing
for the next six months.

We've had a complaint.

Oh...oh...

Do you know what I like
about BBC Four?

Nobody gives a fuck.

D'you like to dance, Lowry?

Dance for me, Lowry.

HEAVY HIP-HOP
Come on!

Hi, you're here about Life of Brian?

Yes. Yes. Barry Atkins.
I'm representing the film.
Andrew Thorogood.

I'm here protesting about the film.

Oh. This is John.
Yes, I know who he is.

I'm Michael. I know who you are.

So. Should we duke it out
right here?

I don't like conflict.
Just here to register our feelings.

So, what's the damage, Jim?
We're giving it a double A.

A double A?! On what grounds?
In what way is that film
suitable for a 14-year-old?

There's no sex...
There are buttocks.

There's no violence.
People are crucified.

And there's no C word.
What about the B word?

Bastard or bugger? Blasphemy.

This could undermine
a 14-year-old's faith
in Christianity.

In our view, it's just a bunch of
silly jokes. Very good ones, though.

Thanks very much.
Good? Bloody brilliant.

I see. In that case, I shall
have to take this up
with a higher authority.

Who's that then, God?

No. The council.

Could you sign these for me?
Certainly. It would be a pleasure.

What did he mean about the council?

The BBFC is only advisory.

Local councils can have the final
say over what films are shown.

And they can reclassify films
if they don't like our rating.

You're kidding? I kid you not.

Right, OK.

The BBFC have given it a double A.

Oh, that is a sh-sh-sh...

SHITBUCKET!

Sh-Shame. So, what now?

We write to local councils
asking them to ban Life of Brian.

♪ DAN-DAN-DAAAN!

Or reclassify it as an X. ECZEMA!
Maybe if the B-B-B-B-B-B-B...

B-B-B-B-B...

Maybe if they think it's OK,
m-m-maybe it is OK.

They make fun of the Lord and
you think that's OK, do you, Gareth?

N-n-n-n... Good. That's
the end of the discussion.

Yes, b-b-b-b...
That's quite all right.

No need to apologise.

CUNT!

Some councils are definitely
going to ask for an X certificate.

So my question to you all is this -
are you happy to take
an X certificate

and at least get the film seen
by some people? ALL: No.

They show it with
the BBFC certificate
or they don't get to show it at all.

We can't give in to censorship.

So you'd rather censor yourselves?
Yes. It's half logical, half silly.

Out of interest, how much revenue
will we lose? Fifty percent?
Maybe more.

All those in favour of
refusing the X certificate say
Eric is a money-grabbing bastard.

ALL: Eric is a money-grabbing
bastard.

Eric is a money-grabbing bastard.
All right. I'll let Doug know.

I know various churches are writing
to their members to ask them to put
pressure on councils for a boycott.

Let's just hope our politicians to
do the right thing and don't act
out of cowardly self-interest.

♪ Soldiers of Christ, arise

FRONT BOTTOM!

♪ And put your armour on

♪ ..His eternal son

♪ Strong in the Lord of hosts

♪ And in his mighty power...

P-P-P-Power...

SINGING FIZZLES OUT

Oh, shit.

Hello.

I thought you didn't like conflict.

We are merely peacefully protesting.

Exercising our right to free speech.

Right. Thank you so much. Piss off.

DOORBELL

You expecting anyone?

No.

Hello. Can I talk to you
about Life of Brian?

Yes, but can I talk to YOU
about Life of Brian?

Great...What? No, never mind.

We'd like you to sign our petition
to help get Life of Brian banned.
I don't think it should be banned.

We believe it's evil and
should be banned. Would you
like to come in and discuss it?

No! Nothing to discuss, it's
blasphemous and it should be banned.
Can you sign our petition?

Can you explain to me
why it should be banned?

Look, you're wasting my time.

I have other people to talk to
who want to sign my petition.

Don't you think
it's worth talking over?
Maybe you can persuade me to sign?

Maybe I'll persuade you
why people shouldn't sign?

Are you trying to brainwash me?

No, I just want to have
a conversation with you.

There's no conversation to be had.

Do you want to sign my petition? No.

Why not? I'm not convinced the
film should be banned. Why not?

Did you write it? Er, yes.

Oh, I see.

You're one of them.

It's not Invasion of the
Bodysnatchers. Deny it if you can -
you're one of them.

Why would I deny it? I just told you.
You can't. You can't deny it.

I don't want to deny it! You see!
I do see, because I told you.

You're one of them.
God, are we still on this?
Yes, I am one of them.

So will you sign
my petition or not?

No. Why not? Oh...

We want to have a debate
about the Life of Brian.

Well, that sounds tremendous.

And we wondered if you, the
People's Church of St Sophia,
would like to come on the show?

Us?

On the show?
I don't think that's a good idea.

Why not? Well, I can't.

I don't like conflict.

What about you two?

N-N-N-N-N-N...

That's a no. Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y

Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y...

That's a yes. As in yes, it's a no.
He has a stammer.

And you, Desmond?
Would you like to come on the show?

Come on! Speak up!

I had no idea he was going to say
that. Really, I had no idea.

I've had that Friday Night,
Saturday Morning on the phone again.

Want to know
if you've changed your minds.

The exact words were
"being as it's all gone tits up".

No, there's no point. Everyone's
mind up their minds already.
You can't persuade anyone.

I think we should.
You said no before!

No, I didn't. Yes, you did!

No, I didn't. Well, you said yes.

So, I've changed my mind.
Oh, so you're just being contrary.

No, I'm not.

I'm really not.

I think we can persuade people.

We are intelligent men.

Well, you might struggle
with your flabby Oxford minds.

No danger of that with our sharper
Cambridge intellects.

And I, for one, think it's vital
we exercise our right to free speech
to defend free speech.

No. Everyone's entrenched.
It's utterly futile.

Fuck! We can't have spunked it.

There must be something we can do.
Try their agent again.

Not going to happen. All right.

We ring Ken, get the Nine o'clock
News to pump up the story
even bigger

so they have to defend themselves.
You can't do that.

Or we send them death threats.
That's not very nice. Someone
will do it. I'm sure they will.

All right we send them a shit in the
post. What? Something to rile
them... stir them into action.

No, I don't want to do that. Shh.
No, Ian said... Shh.

Don't tell me to... Shh.

But I...
SHHH!

And what did the police say?

They said, "Can you think of anyone
who might want to send you faeces?"

What did you say to that?
I said, "Yes. Jesus.
Anyone who likes Jesus.

"Businessmen, philosophers, upper
class twits, Australians, women,
TV presenters, Alan Whicker,

"The Beatles, Yorkshiremen,
anyone who works in the production
or marketing of Spam, men who say,

"'Nudge nudge', knights who say
Ni!' and anyone who doesn't
like jokes about ocelots.

"You know, Officer. The usual."
What did you actually say?

I said, "Have you tried Derek
'So Mad He Shits In A Box' McNee
at Number 24?"

What did you actually say?
I said no. Happy now?

I said, "No, I do not know anyone
who hates me enough to send
me poo in the post,

apart from the other Pythons.
What did they say?

They said,
"Nothing we can do, I'm afraid,

"unless someone threatens you or
attacks you." Oh, for fuck's sake!
And they can't trace it?

No, to be fair to them it's
not like there was a trail of shit

leading out the door to a man
trying to do up his trousers.

And they can't do anything forensic?

No, each shit is not unique.
They're not fingerprints.

Some of them can be quite swirly.

Yes,

but we cannot identify people
from their shit.

Shits do not look like their owners.
Which is lucky, because

otherwise we'd have old ladies
standing round lavatories cooing,
"Ooh, it's the spit of you."

Hello, Barry. Have you heard
about Eric's shit in a box?

Oh, right, you've had one too?
Yeah, we've had some here.

Now while I've got you all here,
I've been told in the light
of the current situation,

I need to ask you all to make wills.

It's just shit, Barry.
I think the worst that can
happen is we go blind, isn't it?

Yeah, we've had death threats...
What? It's just jokes
for fuck's sake.

What happened to sticks and
stones may break my bones
but names can never hurt me?

I told you! What did I say!

The great British Public
are fucking bastards.

It's a bit apocalyptic, isn't it?
A third part of the sea became blood

and people didst shit into a box
and threaten to kill thy comedy
performers for no good reason.

Look, do you want to back down?

We could withdraw the film like
Kubrick did with Clockwork Orange?

All right, don't answer that now.

Maybe just go away, have a think
about it, talk to your families.

All those in favour of maintaining
our zero-tolerance stance to
censorship say Mrs Niggerbaiter.

ALL: Mrs Niggerbaiter.

You seem worried.

How can you tell? Well, you're
pacing, which you don't normally do.

And you're smoking,
which you don't normally do.

Well, I admit I am worried.

You can't take it personally.
How can I not take it personally?

They're burning an effigy of me
in my own garden.

They're just weird.

Close the window, darling.
It smells of burning you.

This is ridiculous.
How did this get so out of hand?

I think it's because you made that
film making fun of their religion.

Maybe I should go on Friday Night,
Saturday Morning? Would that help?

Don't ask me, darling,
I'm just a pretty face.

What if it just makes things worse?
Just fans the flames?

Sorry! We set fire to your tree. Â

Oh, for God's sake.

Can I just say...

it's been a tremendous honour
for me to help prepare your wills.

As well as getting your signatures,
I was wondering if I could also

get your autographs?

Wrong time?

Wrong time. Sorry.

Terry says
you've had to make a will.

It's just a precaution, Mum,
it's nothing to worry about.

No. Why would I worry about my
son making fun of religion and
being murdered by a fanatic?

No, I won't be losing any sleep
over that one. Perfectly normal.

My friend Elaine...
her son's just been stabbed
for pulling a face at a Buddhist.

Happens all the time.

Honestly, mum. They've just
done it to cover themselves.

Besides, if the protestors wanted to
kill anyone it would probably
be John. He's the annoying one.

Did you make a proper will?

Or have you promised to leave
all your money to a penguin?

And a rickshaw to a Spaniard?
No, it's a proper will.

So it is a proper will.
So I should be worried.

What are you trying to do, Michael?

Are you willy waving at Jesus?

Sh! Mum, we're in a restaurant.

Why make fun of religion?
We're not. And even if we were...

is that so bad?

Look how much you're upsetting
people. You might think they're
stupid people. Or priggish people.

But they're real people.

Why are their thoughts and
feelings less important than yours?

Well, why are my feelings less
important than theirs?

Oh...
SHE TUTS

I just don't understand why
you're doing this, Michael.

I want to understand.

I just don't.

MUSIC: "Death of a Clown"
by The Kinks

I've changed my mind
about the debate.

I think we should do it. Why?

Because this is getting out of hand.

We've got an orchestrated
campaign against us. We've been
banned by 39 local councils.

We're only opening in one cinema.
People who work for us
are getting death threats

and there are people outside right
now praying that we withdraw
the film and renounce our sins.

Renounce your sins! Go away!

You're sinister and intimidating!

ALL: We are not sinister
or intimidating!

We are merely following you
and watching you.

Like the Lord is watching you.

Always and forever.

I'M SPARTACUS!

 WANKER!

We've got to stick up for ourselves.
If we don't stand up for ourselves

who's going to stand up for all the
other comedians who come after us?

We need to take a stand to allow
funny men and women everywhere to

make jokes about murder and rape and
projectile vomiting and handicapped
kiddies and Mohammed in a bear suit

and I don't know, Olympic swimmers
with faces like spoons.

Mike's got a point.
I agree. You should do it.

No. No way. Not at all, I'm out.

Please, John. I know you love
being contrary. No I don't.

But on this, can't you see? It's
them we should be disagreeing with,
not each other.

I think you should do it.

You and John.

And why us, pray tell?

Because you're good
at shouting at people
and being enormously sarcastic.

And Mike's the nicest man in the
world. You're the perfect team.

I can't do it, because
Christians and homosexuals can't be
in the same room together.

We're their natural predators.
Terry G can't do it
because he's American

and I think deep down
none of us like or trust Americans.
No offence, Terry.

Screw you, ass-monkey. Terry J
can't do it because he'll just
prattle on about the camera angles.

And Eric won't do it because
they won't pay him. Exactly.

So you two have to do it. All those
in favour say Christ on a gondola.

ALL: Christ on a gondola.

Come on, John.
You can shout at a man in a dress.

It'll be like doing the show again.

I thought you said
there was no point,

that everyone
had made up their mind.

I spoke to my mum. She said she
doesn't understand why we've done it.

She wants to but she doesn't.

I think maybe there are other
people like that out there.

Is this about them, or about you and
your mum? Oh, please, John.

I'm asking nicely.

Well, you would, wouldn't you?

Fine. Fine,
no don't do it, I'll do it myself.

No, fine.

I can't let you have all the fun.

I'll do it.

Christ on a gondola.

Christ on a gondola.

Oh, sorry love.

Was Terry there tonight?

Yes.

I like Terry.

He's my favourite.

John's coming round tomorrow.

Homework. For the debate.

Are you sure it's a good
idea to do that show?

Why?

Well, what if the
debate doesn't go ok?

What if it makes things worse?

Then we'll move to Mexico
and change our names.

I'll start a new life
as Miguel Palinez
and work as a guacamole inspector.

HE VOMITS

Don't expect me to go with you.

Hey. I thought you said even if all
the religious leaders of the world
denounced me you'd stick by me.

I just don't want to see you
murdered by some religious maniac.

You put that away.

What? We've got the Pythons! Cleese
and Palin confirmed this morning!

YEEEEES! ONE-NIL! KEMPES!

Bloody brilliant!

Come here and give me a hug!

I don't want to give you a hug,
Alan. Come on, give me a hug!

So how did we do it?

I asked Iain. He knows them.

I told you that. Iain...? Iain.

Iain Johnstone.

Never heard of him.

So,...who's heard about Frank Bough?
HE SNIGGERS

You know, sometimes I truly
despise this country.

The descent into yobbery
goes on unabated.

Do you know I just saw two teenagers
spitting in the street?

Do you think they know that's how TB
spreads? Of course they don't.
Do they care?

No.

I blame the Tories. Things would be
a lot different if the Lib Dems
were in power, that's for sure.

The Lib Dems? There's no such thing
as the Lib Dems.

Don't you mean the Liberals? Shh.

So I've been doing
a spot of homework.

Right. Crikey.

Someone's taking it all
very seriously.

Any idea who we're up against?

Funny you should ask that.

Not a clue. So who
are we gonna put 'em up against?

Well, I still think we can
still get a couple of bishops.
Two bishops? No. Way too dry.

About as dry as a dry roasted peanut
up a dead nun's noo-noo.

No, we need a comedy type person on.

You know there are comedy people
who are Christian. Really?

I know. Weird, isn't it?

What about Malcolm Muggeridge?

Malcolm Muggeridge?
The hard-drinking, chain-smoking,
womanising Malcolm Muggeridge?

Yeah. The hard-drinking,
chain-smoking, womanising,
BORN-AGAIN Malcolm Muggeridge.

It says here he's famously contrary.

His maxim is, 'only dead fish
swim with the stream'.

Great. Whatever happens,
he'll be dynamite TV.

Are you sure you want
this guy on the show?

Yes. He'll bring gravitas.

HE FARTS

Look. He used to do comedy.
Now he does religion.

And he likes to go on TV and say
shit he knows will wind people up.

He could only be better if he had
tits like Cleo Rocos and did
the splits like Nadia Comaneci.

But what if...
I'm ignoring that last bit...

what if he ends up siding with
the Pythons? According to this he
was in a similar situation once.

There was some big outcry
about an article he wrote.

What the hell were you thinking?

Have you read it?
I don't need to read it, Malcolm,

it's called, "Does England
Really Need A Queen?"

You might as well have called
it, "I Think It's Acceptable
To Masturbate Into Marmalade".

What the bloody hell were you
thinking, man? Fuss over nothing.

I said pretty much the same thing
in another piece about two years ago.

That's as maybe but no-one
complained about that one.

They are complaining about this one
because they find it offensive,
and quite rightly so.

How can it possibly be offensive?
It's only a thought.

I hear Beaverbrook's cancelling
your contract. Apparently.

I'm sorry to hear that, Malcolm,
but you've brought this on yourself.

We have to let you go.
It's the BBC, for God's sake,
we've got certain standards.

No hard feelings? Towards you?

Not at all.

Good. Come on.

I've shagged his wife.
Who? Marjorie?

No, Olivia.

That's MY wife.

Oh, then I've shagged YOUR wife.

Sorry about that.
Lovely woman though.

Makes a wonderful breakfast.

Maybe he'll side with the Pythons.

Maybe not. That's the beauty of it.

The guy's totally unpredictable.

He's a riddle wrapped in
a mystery inside a...shit.

Maybe he'll argue with the Pythons
AND the Bishop and we've got a
three-way fist fight. Love it.

Post me my Bafta.

OK. I'm the bishop.

Right. Why have you deliberately
set out to offend people of faith?

Well, Bishop, it wasn't our
intention to deliberately offend
Christians or to be blasphemous.

I totally disagree with that.
Sorry, is this you in character
or are you talking as you?

I'm talking as me.

Talk to Graham about it.
Ask him what he thinks.

He's not that keen on Christians
because they're not that keen
on homosexuals.

I don't think we intended to be
offensive just for the sake of it.

There's nothing wrong
with being offensive.

It's part of life.

If you get offended, so what?

In a way, it's a good thing.

It tells you
you're still alive at least.

Why can't I say things
to offend you?

Why can't I say
I don't like your hair?

Or your wife looks like a man
and makes fucking awful soup.
What's the worst that can happen?

Hello, John. Oh, hello.

Didn't realise you were...
Cup of tea?

I can put the kettle on, although
I don't think it'll suit me.

Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Very good! Very good. Well done.

Most amusing. Tres amusant.

No, we're fine, thank you,
most kind of you to ask.

We're-We're-We're-We're fine.

Sure I can't I get you anything?
Glass of cordial? Spot of soup?

No, we're fine, thank you.

Although your soup
is always delightful.

Right. Where was I?

Being offensive. Being offensive,
thank you. What is the worst
that could happen?

You'll stop talking to me?
Heaven forfend!

What will probably happen?

You'll be upset for a bit
and then forget about it.

What's the best that can happen?

Maybe you'll think
"John's got a point.

"My wife does look like a man

"and her soup does taste fucking
awful. Maybe I should leave her."

I've been able to keep
my marriage together thanks.

That's the spirit!

Besides, we haven't
been offensive, Mike.

People just like complaining.

The British love complaining.

Complaining about the weather,
complaining about the government,

the fucking darkies, the fucking
queers, Noel fucking Edmonds

and his Multi-Cunting Swap Shop.

When it comes to the British
you can't please any of the people

any of the time, and you know why
they like complaining so much?

Maybe because deep down they know
there is no fucking God and it takes

their mind off the fact that their
lives are a pathetic sham that won't
amount to a hill of shitty beans.

Are you going to be like this
on the TV?

Yes, I am.

So what about our bishop?

He can't be too serious
but he can't be too flippant.

How will we find the best bishop?

Hmm, no.

No.

No.

Ooh, no.

Him. He's perfect.

Are you sure? Oh, yes.
He's absolutely mad.

You know what? We should just go
on this show and make fun of God.

Yes, that would be helpful.

What if the Christians
just attack us?
It's a rational argument.

It's a debate.

I think we go on the attack.

"Bishop. You work for an
organisation that is closely
associated with kiddie fiddling.

"Where do you stand on
the issue of child rape?
Good Christian behaviour?"

Yes, that's helpful, John, thanks.

Well, let's not take it
too seriously.

We could go on in fancy dress.

I could go on dressed as Christ.
You can go on dressed as Satan.

We both go on dressed as Mary.

Or babies wearing nappies.
Or apostles wearing nappies.

And bondage gear. You've got
to take this seriously, John.

There are people working for us
who have had death threats.

They're not important.
They're the little people.

They're expendable. What?

I'm joking.

It's not very funny.

I think it is. I don't think it is.
You've gone too far. No I haven't.

And even if I had,
you could pretend I hadn't.

You can ignore me.

Or you could stop being my friend.

God, you're difficult. No, I'm not.

Yes, you are. Right. That's it.

Enough is enough.

It doesn't have to be like this.

I look inside you, Palin,
and all I see is weakness.

I look inside you and see hatred.

Give in to hatred.
Hating things is funny.

No, never. I'd rather be nice.

Sorry. No offence.

Stop being nice, you soppy bastard.

That's it, run away, run away from
the fight, you big chicken.

You all right, John?
Hang on, I'm coming. Got you!

Bloody BBC, they should
have had stunt men for this.

Who won? No idea.
You should have storyboarded it.

I did do a storyboard it but I left
it by the window and it blew away.

Well, maybe shut the fucking window.
I know but it adds an interesting
visual texture to the room...

I'll just see you at TV Centre
tomorrow, shall I?

John, what are you going to say
on the show?

I'm going to talk about how
Fawlty Towers is much funnier than
Ripping Yarns. Seriously, John.

I'm going to be as offensive as
possible. This is important, John.

This isn't just the future
of comedy we're arguing for,

this is free speech.

I believe in free speech, Mike.

That's why I can't
let you censor me.

That's why I'm going to say
whatever the fuck I like.

Arse...Balls...Prick...

..Shit.

Thank you and good night.

♪ Balls and bugger and shits and
tits and a whole lot of fanny... ♪

How did it go with John today?

He thinks I'm taking it
all too seriously.

And are you? I don't know.

What's more important
than making fun of things?

If we're not allowed to make fun
of things that take themselves

too seriously, how do we
stop them from taking over the world?

What happens if the comedians
take themselves too seriously?

Comedians are allowed to
take themselves too seriously

because they're special
and better than everyone else.

Oh, really? Yes.

I can't think straight any more.

Come to bed.
You've done too much homework.

If you don't know why
comedians are better than
God now, you'll never know.

I should probably do
a bit more prep, love.

Fancy a bunk-up?

Yeah, go on then.

Do you ever think
that we're persecuting the Pythons?

No. They're persecuting us.

Thousands of films get made
every year.

So one happens to be a comedy
about religion.
Is that them focusing on us?

Or are we focusing on them?

WEIRDO!

Are you having a moment of doubt,
Doubting Desmond?

PATRONISING TIT! No. No.

Just, you know,
playing devil's advocate. PISS OFF!

Desmond, swearing...

Yes, yes. I am aware of it.

It's never deliberate, is it?
No. No. LIAR! No.

Good. Good.

Oh, not again.

WHIRRING

You're not the nicest man in the
world, you're a very naughty boy.

AGH! Run for it! I'm running for it!

Oh, hello. You're awake. Um...

This is awkward. The thing is,
I really don't like conflict.

but you made fun of my
all-loving, all-forgiving God,
so I'm going to kill you.

Tent peg.

You're still dreaming.

And then Jesus popped up on a
piece of toast. And there was John...

dressed in a giant rabbit costume
saying, "You're still dreaming."

What does that mean? We've always
been quite close, haven't we? Yes.

Well, until this is all over,
just stay away from me.

I'm still dreaming, aren't I?

Yeah, you are. Please stop staring
at my penis. It's disturbing.

Probably shouldn't
have had that cheese.

Tonight on Friday Night,
Saturday Morning, Michael Palin
and John Cleese will

debate the film The Life of Brian
with...

You'll be all right. You're
quite good at public speaking.

Cup of tea. "We interrupt our
current programming...

I have faith in you.
Thanks, love.

"The film The Life of
Brian has just opened in London.

"I have not seen it and
I suppose I am unlikely to do so.

"However, members will have seen
the reviews and will be aware that

"there is a great deal of concern
throughout the country about it.

"For the immediate future
it will be up to Christian people

"and others who share this concern
to ensure that in this case
as in other cases

"where it seems that
a film has been made which
devalues humanity in their own areas

"the local viewing committee is
alerted to the need to see the film
before it is publicly shown and

"having done so, to take responsible
decisions as to whether and on what
conditions it should be shown.

"Be sober, be vigilant..."

because thy adversary the devil,
as a roaring lion, walketh about
seeking whom he may devour.

Very definitely at the beginning.

Three Wise Men arrive and...

I can rely on you, can't I, John?

John!

Sorry, miles away. Wondering
what to have for dinner.

What do you think? Fish?

God, you're a difficult bastard.

Mike, don't say that.
Doesn't suit you.

You're the Nicest Man in the World.

And you're the most disrespectful,
disagreeable, objectionable,

obnoxious and annoying man
in the world. That's right.

I fought very hard for that title.

Wasn't easy to wrest it away
from Michael Winner.

John, this is important.

Don't put so much pressure on
yourself. It's only a chat show.

It's not though, is it?
This is about the future of comedy.

It might even be about
the future of religion.

Well, I wish I believed we were
that important but I don't.

Well, if we're not, why are so
many people protesting against us?

This must be Harry.

Try to be nice. Of course.

Hi! Harry Balls.

Lovely to meet you, Harry!
Harry Balls! Jolly good!

Thanks
for agreeing to come on the show.

Who can resist Harry Balls?

Everyone wants to see Harry Balls.
I have a...

Can't think of anywhere we'd
rather be.

Tell me, will we be seeing Mr Dick?

Yes, he'll pop in. Will he?

Will he indeed?
I'll look forward to that.

Right, shall we...

Remind me, is Dick above Balls?

ALL: Hey!
Look who's here.
The sacrificial lamb.

It's M-M-Monty Python!

FAMOUS! Don't be seduced.

So was Adolf Hitler
and Aleister Crowley.

Who? What? Michael, John
- Alan Dick, Head of BBC Talk.

So, looking forward to
seeing who's going to win this one.

Tim!
This is your host for the evening.

Tim Rice. Hello, guys, hi. Thanks
so much for coming on the show.

Listen, obviously, my role
is to be impartial.

But I just want to say I know
exactly what you're going through.

When we did Jesus Christ Superstar
in 1971 it got accused of blasphemy.

Admittedly, I did
co-write it with Beelzebub.

Now, of course, it's the height of
respectability. I tell you what...

I wouldn't mind
having a hit musical.

That's got to be worth a few quid.
If only I had an idea for one.

Well, you could always do what we did
and lovingly rip off a story
that already exists.

So, John, will we be seeing
any Basil Fawlty tonight?

Actually, Tim, if you don't
mind, I'd rather you directed
most of the questions at Michael.

Oh, right, OK, yes, fine by me.
We're ready. See you in there.

Um...what?

Suddenly feel quite nervous
for some reason. What about me.

It's all right for you,
you draw confidence from your
spirituality, don't you?

Malcolm Muggeridge. Good evening,
good evening, hello, hello.

Wow. That is one
big motherfuckin' Bishop.

Ah, Bishop. Alan Dick,

Let me introduce you
to your opponents.

John, Michael, this is...a bishop.

Best of luck for the show.

Break a leg, as they say.

This is not the bishop I wanted.

Iain said he'd be better.
Who the fuck is Iain?

Are you expecting vampires?

Come on, Joan.
You'll have to be funnier than that.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

You pompous arse.
I'll take that crucifix and
I'll garrotte you with it.

Lovely cassock, Bishop.

Very flattering.

Thank you, Joan. You're too kind.

Ready to go?

So remember. The key points are
we didn't kill Jesus.

That was the Jews. If you're
going to be angry with anyone...

blame the Jews. Plus the Monty
Python Scrapbook available now
in all good bookshops.

How do we look?
Good. Fine. Yup.

Shit scared.

We should probably be going...

OK, let's shake a leg, people.

Let's smash the arse off of it.

Cue titles.

"# Friday night, Saturday morning

"# By yesterday's dawn
there's a weekend dawning

"# Friday night,
Saturday morning at last...

You know, I find these opening
credits quite offensive.

Yes.

As a woman.

Yes. Yes, I knew what you meant.

This is all a bit heterosexual,
isn't it.

Yes, I rather like it.

Please welcome
one third of Monty Python,
Michael Palin and John Cleese.

Cracked. BBC cutbacks.

So why the name Brian?

It's one the funny names, isn't it?

Like Trevor or Kevin.

It's just funny. So you must
have known you were heading for
criticism and controversy.

A) because you were well known

B) because, to put it mildly,
the subject matter is
quite well known.

Yes but we...we wrote an awful lot
which was then just thrown away
because it was sort of

struggling too hard to be
controversial or...

Well, actually,
I don't know if I agree with that.

Because I don't think that we were
coming in with stuff about Christ.

We all started
writing around the edges.

All the people who arrived
five minutes after
the miracle being done.

Come on, Tim.

No more Mr Nicey-Ricey. Poke them.
Prod them. Get a reaction.

Weren't you all in some
danger of splitting up?

Or, at least there was
some internal conflict.

Did the film in fact
bring you closer together?

Yes, I think it did. After the Grail
there was about a year spent sort
of in the wilderness, as it were.

Also, there was a stage
where we hated each other.

We're ready for you now.
"I never hated you."

If He calls, we must answer.

"Whatever any of the others
may say, I always liked you."

Good luck, God bless.

A-A-A-men. HYMEN!

"What about your solo projects?"

"Are there going to be
any more Ripping Yarns?
Any more Fawlty Towers?"

There'll be no more
Fawlty Towers, no.

OK. In a moment we'll be joined
by two men who don't usually
review films.

So this is it, then.

In the red corner,
Organised Religion, the beliefs
of billions, and if He exists, God.

In the blue corner,
some men who like to get naked
and talk about moose choreography.

Let battle commence.

"We're joined now by Mervyn
Stockwood, the Bishop of Southwark
and Malcolm Muggeridge.

What do you think's going to happen?

Who's going to win?
Well, obviously, I know already.

Don't tell me! I hate it when
you tell me how everything ends.

Well, let's just say...

I'm not listening, not listening.
Blblblblblblbl!

You've turned the beer
into water, haven't you?

Christ! I wish you'd grow up.

Bishop, what was your review?

People have said to me,
"Bishop, you'll be horrified."

But I wasn't the vicar of the
University Church for nothing.

I am familiar
with undergraduate humour.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I'm also a governor
of a mentally-deficient school...

Oh, I like this guy!

He's my kind of bishop! Horrible.

It's the sort of thing, I'm sorry to
say, that at Cambridge the Footlights
did on a damp Tuesday afternoon,

"or the lower fourth
when I was a school master."

Bit strange.
That's not very constructive.

I thought this was meant to
be a constructive debate.

I wouldn't worry about it.
It's just a bit of banter, innit?

Why lampoon death? I think this
is the thing that really worried me.

I don't think you'd make
a farce about Auschwitz.

Good. Always good to play
the Auschwitz card early.

Yeah. He won't have any
trouble topping that later.

When I look at that figure,
I know you're going to say

that Brian isn't Jesus but,
I mean, that is just rubbish.

The whole thing is quite clear,
if Jesus hadn't lived, that film
would not have been produced.

Come on, Tim! Stir it up some more!

"Call someone a shitbag."

Pull a face like a mong.

Kick the bishop. Oh, dear God.

Could I bring in Malcolm and ask what
your review is like? Yes. Um.

Remember that I was engaged for
four years in the appalling task of
trying to make English people laugh.

As editor of Punch.

It's almost
an impossible thing to do.

I couldn't help feeling
enormous envy of the ease with which

this particular film
aroused laughter.

You simply had to use a four-letter
word or display a man's private
parts in the window and the whole

place fell on the ground with
laughter. What's wrong with that?

Swearing is funny.
Windows are funny.

My genitals are funny. And
that shot was beautifully framed.
Even the framing was funny.

Also, of course, I agree
entirely with the Bishop.

It's quite humbug to say that this
is not a ridiculing of the founder
of the Christian religion

and of the Incarnation in an
extremely cheap and tenth-rate way.

Rummenigge! Two-nil!

Great stuff. Malcolm's
even better than the bishop.

Don't just believe because someone
tells you to, someone in the pulpit

says something, question it,
work it out yourself.

Are you seriously suggesting
that someone who saw that film,

say a young kid, who knew nothing
about the gospels or about history,

that the figure of Christ that would
emerge from it would be a noble one?

Well, it's not supposed to be
about him so people shouldn't go
and see it to learn about him.

Well, it's no good saying
it's not about him...
I'm not being dishonest.

You're being utterly dishonest,
my dear chap.

They're n-n-not letting the Pythons
h-h-have their s-s-s-say.
MOUTH NAZI!

I am very confused
and perturbed by a religion,

an established religion,
in this country

where people can go into church
on a Sunday morning and the same
people can sing hymns and say prayers

and at the same time
these people can stand by while

their money is spent making bombs,
making guns, building up appalling

weapons of destruction...
they can sit by...

- I would urge you not to make
careless generalisations which
are not dependent on evidence.

I... I make them in all humility...

I think the Pythons
are on the ropes here.

..but I have observed people...

- Because what you're saying,
if I may say so,
is a great load of sheer rubbish

and you've made the most ridiculous
generalisations which are unworthy
of an educated man.

This whole thing is wrong.
Wrong and really, really repugnant.

Your lisp is getting worse.
It really is.

If you made that film about
Mohammed, you see, there would be

absolute hullabaloo in this country,
racial, anti-racialist people would
rise up in their might.

The same people who would approve of
this would have thought it quite

disgraceful and behind people's
minds would be the thought that
they might lose a bit of oil.

But you see the difference.

Four hundred years ago we would
have been burnt for this film.

Now, I'm suggesting
we've made an advance.

I've never seen Mike this angry.

This isn't good. This great
drama of the incarnation you have
reduced to a sort of comic film.

You don't make people open
by producing the sort of
buffoonery that you have produced.

You keep making
the basic assumption

that we are ridiculing Christ
and Christ's teaching
and I say we are not.

Do you imagine that your
scene, for instance,
of the Sermon on the Mount

is not ridiculing one of the most
sublime utterances that

any human being has ever spoken
on this earth? Course it is.

No, no, it's making fun of the guy
who's remembered it wrong and
the people who've missed the point.

Christ is played by an actor Ken
Colley, he speaks the words from the
sermon on the mount, he is treated

absolutely respectfully,
the camera then pans away,

right to the back of the crowd
to someone who shouts "speak up"

because they can not hear him.
Now if that utterly undermines
my faith in Christ then...

No, of course it doesn't
undermine it.

I started off by saying that
it is such a tenth-rate film

I don't believe it would disturb
anybody's faith...

Yes, you started with an
open mind, I realise that.
APPLAUSE

PALIN'S LOST IT!
STAY ON PALIN! STAY ON PALIN!

This is aw aw-awful.

They're behaving like total shits.

SHITS! Yes. It's not very Christian.

The question I put to you...
Could you really put your hand
on your heart

and say that film is going to help
the younger generation
in its pilgrimage for truth?

And the lampooning of Christ's death
is the most disgraceful part
of the whole thing.

You have succeeded
in reducing something

which has inspired
the greatest art

into something which is
presented in terms of
the lowest art. That's your feat!

That's your achievement!

My face! My beautiful face!

Oh, yes!
I have just come in my pants.

You're not funny! Go on, Mike!
Give him what for!

Please don't.

Stay out of it, Rice! This is gold!
Sit down or join in or fuck off!

Oh, I do love physical comedy.

What's going on?

I think we might be in
Michael Palin's fantasy sequence.

Oh, piss on me through a sieve!

Another fantasy sequence?
This is lame.

Gentlemen, I'm going to
have to call a halt.

I think you've made people happy
and made them think
and made them laugh.

APPLAUSE

Although you will get
your thirty pieces of silver.
Of that I'm quite sure.

That's ridiculously harsh.

Ow! Fuck.

R-really. YAHTZEE!

KRANKL! IT'S ALL OVER!

Is that a Bafta in my pocket?
No, I'm just pleased to see me.

And I've got a massive erection.

..you're seeing it in those terms
and it's utterly tragic.

Utterly tragic.

Gentlemen, thank you.

Now here's Paul Jones and
his Blues Band with Boom Boom,
Out Go The Lights.

Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!

Damn and blast it all to hell!

You OK, Mike?

Pissed off?

I can put you in touch
with a very good therapist.

Mike. Sorry. Joke.

Couldn't resist. Sorry.

I understand why you're angry,
of course I do. They didn't listen.

They didn't debate.

They just shouted us down
and played to the gallery.

We took it seriously and
they took the piss. I know.

And I thought you were going
to be swaggering and offensive.

Yes, well, I was kidding about that.

Shame.

It might actually have been useful
out there. You've changed your tune.

They mauled us, John.
They tore us to shreds.

Come for a drink.

No. No? No. No?

NO!

Why? Don't mock me, John.

All right, I'm not in the mood!

I do...

love you, M-Mike.

I know you! You're Michael Palin.

Yes. You been doing some more of
your TV show? The Flying Circus one?

No. Probably just as well.

It was very hit and miss, wasn't it?

That's the problem with
sketch shows - very hit and miss.

So what were you doing then?

I've been on a debate.

Sorry, can we just go?

Oh, yeah? Life of Brian thing is it?
You want to know what I think?

I think that sounds pretty
bloody offensive, actually.

I mean, I haven't seen it.

But I don't think people should
have to see it. Do you know what?

I couldn't give a shit. So just shut
the fuck up, do your fucking job,
drive me home and don't be a cu...

I know you!

You're Michael Palin.

Yes.

You're my wife's favourite, you are.

She loves you.

Thank you.

It's nice to feel loved.

Oh, come on!
What are you laughing at?

Your faces, you idiots.

You didn't come off badly out of it.

They did.

Wahey! The champion!

Well done, couldn't have
gone any better for us.

So, where's Mike?

Gone home.

Why? Bit miffed.

BISHOP'S STORTFORD!

That was aw-aw-aw...

Awe-inspiring? Thank you, love.

Pretty good display, I thought,
seeing as we saw the film
for the first time today

and we missed
the first fifteen minutes.

Oh, I see.

So you missed the part of the film
where the wise men go to visit
Brian, thinking he's Jesus

then realise their mistake
and go to visit Jesus?

Oh.

Yes.

So you make it clear
that Brian isn't Jesus?

Yes.

Great show, guys! Best piece
of television I have ever seen.

Thought you'd be funnier.

But still, great to see Michael
looking so angry. Unmissable.

Oh, well, there you go. All's well.

I'm sorry to say this
because I don't like conflict

but I thought
you behaved disgracefully.

You didn't represent us
or our beliefs.

Have you seen the film?

No.

But rest assured, we'll be going to
the first screening in the morning
and making up our own minds.

You don't need to
make up your own minds.

The Church has spoken for you.

I think we'll do what we
think is right. Thank you.

Good man.
Won't you join us for a drink?

Oh, love. You're squashing me.

Sorry, love.

What was that for?

You won.

Really? Absolutely.
You absolutely won.

But...we were serious and they
did jokes and made fun of us.

Yes. It was weird.
But that's part of why you won.

It was good you took it seriously.

And they looked very silly.

Oh, Michael, it was awful.

Yes, Mum. No, I mean THEY were awful.
What awful men.

They were complete bullies.

I can see what you meant, Michael.

You can criticise religion...

it's not all perfect.

Thanks, Mum.

Ooh, what a face though.

Thanks, Mum. Glass of sherry?

'I am writing in my diary.

'The camera is tracking
slowly towards me.

'I am thinking about
summing things up because
it will be the end credits soon.

'I look meaningfully
out of the window for a moment.

'I suppose this particular
episode is nearly at an end.

'Nearly...'

Hello, Michael.

Hello.

I'm sorry to say I'm not sure
I believe in you any more.

Oh, well, I suppose that's
the sort of intellectual, fashionable
thing of the moment, isn't it?

I hope you're not offended. Oh,
good lord no, God is love and so on.

So is it over now?
This conflict between religious
institutions and freedom of speech?

Um...No.

Oh. Won't people get less
offended by jokes at least?

Oh, no.

No. No no no no no.
You see, the trouble is, Michael...

and this doesn't apply
to you, of course,

but a lot of people
aren't very nice.

So what happens?
Well, where do I begin?

Satanic Verses, Jerry Springer
the Opera, Danish cartoons,
South Park, Richard Dawkin.

None of this makes any sense to you
whatsoever, does it? Not really.

Never mind, it will probably form
the basis of the ending of some
rather heavy-handed BBC Four drama.

Gosh! Is there a BBC Four
in the future?

The BBC must be doing
very well for itself.

(HE LAUGHS) No, you couldn't
be further from the truth.

I am dreaming this, aren't I?
Yes. You should stay off the cheese.

MUSIC: "Black And White"
by Three Dog Night

♪ The ink is black, the page is white

♪ Together we learn to read and write

♪ A child is black, a child is white

♪ The whole world
looks upon the sight

♪ A beautiful sight

♪ And now at last we plainly see

♪ The alphabet of liberty

♪ Liberty

♪ The world is black,
the world is white

♪ It turns by day
and then by night... ♪

Ow!

You know, I think we'd think
twice about it now.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd