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1
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- OK?
- Coming!
2
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There we are.
3
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And the next.
4
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Right. It's all right.
5
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Right, I've got it. Oh.
6
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Oh.
7
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Alas, poor Perky, I knew her well.
8
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- Don't be ghoulish.
- Sorry.
9
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Do you think Pinky'll miss her?
10
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No. She'll be on her honeymoon soon.
11
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Now, then, hang them somewhere cool
and draughty for a few hours, the man said.
12
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- Spare bedroom, that's cool.
- It's not draughty.
13
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It will be when I take the door off.
14
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Hello. It's only Margo.
15
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What a lovely... Oh, my God.
16
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What have you got on your kitchen table?
17
00:01:45,320 --> 00:01:49,359
Miss Mountshaft. That'll teach her
to throw you out of the music society.
18
00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:54,357
I resigned, Barbara. Now, what is it?
19
00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:55,959
Ina word, Perky.
20
00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:57,832
One of your pigs?
21
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You mean you've killed one of your pigs?
22
00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:01,758
Yes, we have.
23
00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:03,791
You baffle me, you really do.
24
00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:07,993
For month after month
you cosset the animal and treat it like gold,
25
00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:09,917
and then quite calmly kill it.
26
00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:13,157
- Margo, it was always gonna end up as grub.
- They're not pets.
27
00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:15,669
Barbara, you'll forgive me for saying this,
28
00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:17,996
but I am appalled by this ice-cool,
29
00:02:18,040 --> 00:02:22,830
even Nazi-like attitude to killing things
that has crept into your nature of late.
30
00:02:22,880 --> 00:02:24,871
Oh, don't be silly, Margo.
31
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As a matter of fact, I had a good weep
when we said goodbye to Perky. So did Tom.
32
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I did not. I had something in my eye.
33
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We were upset. Of course we were.
But you see, in the final analysis,
34
00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:37,475
self-sufficiency is about being practical,
and this is being practical.
35
00:02:37,520 --> 00:02:39,318
- If you say so, Tom.
- do.
36
00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:42,830
- Then answer me a practical question.
- What?
37
00:02:42,880 --> 00:02:45,554
Why is one half of your pig a sheep?
38
00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:50,831
He had a split personality.
39
00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:54,391
Now who's being silly?
40
00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:57,831
No, you see, what happened
is we did a swap with the butcher.
41
00:02:58,840 --> 00:03:03,118
You're looking very elegant this afternoon.
Where are you going, Buckingham Palace?
42
00:03:03,160 --> 00:03:06,755
No. I just dropped in
to tell you some very good news.
43
00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:07,949
Oh, lovely. What?
44
00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:10,355
Look, do you think we could go
into the other room?
45
00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:13,199
This is rather like having a conversation
in an abattoir.
46
00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:15,231
All right. Come on.
47
00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:20,518
If the cat comes in, shout.
48
00:03:22,360 --> 00:03:24,351
Well, now, what's this good news?
49
00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:26,471
No, wait for Tom. I want to tell you both.
50
00:03:26,520 --> 00:03:29,558
Well..what, what, what?
51
00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:34,958
The people who have moved in
next door to you are charming.
52
00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:36,673
Yes?
53
00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:39,155
That's it. That is the good news.
54
00:03:39,200 --> 00:03:40,759
Oh.
55
00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:43,235
It is good news.
56
00:03:43,280 --> 00:03:46,352
I mean, we don't want
just anybody moving into The Avenue.
57
00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:49,631
No, Mr and Mrs Weaver will do very nicely.
58
00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:52,479
But they only moved here yesterday.
59
00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:54,511
You were in there a bit quick.
60
00:03:54,560 --> 00:03:58,349
I was not in there a bit quick-ly. Adverb,
Barbara.
61
00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:00,471
I just happened to drop in this morning.
62
00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:03,160
You've got your
just-happened-to-drop-in outfit on.
63
00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:05,794
I could smack your face sometimes, Tom.
64
00:04:05,840 --> 00:04:07,990
What are they like, then?
65
00:04:08,040 --> 00:04:12,079
Well, put it this way. They've got
a ceramic umbrella stand in the hall,
66
00:04:12,120 --> 00:04:16,000
split-level cooker, and not a paperback
to be seen on the bookshelves.
67
00:04:16,040 --> 00:04:20,034
I said to myself,
"Margo, these people are all right."
68
00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:22,117
- Conservatives?
- Of course.
69
00:04:23,160 --> 00:04:25,310
Weaver. Weaver. Good name, that.
70
00:04:25,360 --> 00:04:27,476
It has a nice English sound to it, yes.
71
00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:30,239
Quite. Yes.
Redolent of the old mill towns of the North.
72
00:04:30,280 --> 00:04:32,794
Clogs on the cobblestones.
Midden out the back.
73
00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:36,356
They come from Bournemouth.
I checked.
74
00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:39,358
Ah, they'll be the Hampshire Weavers.
75
00:04:39,400 --> 00:04:43,951
Spelt W-E-E-E-V-E-E-R-E, wouldn't they?
76
00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:46,837
I know you're making fun of me.
77
00:04:47,600 --> 00:04:49,318
Well, you're such a snob.
78
00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:53,354
I admit it. It's the only way
one can protect oneself in this day and age.
79
00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:55,073
- They've got a dog?
- Of course.
80
00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:56,713
- Basset hound?
- Beagle.
81
00:04:56,760 --> 00:04:59,354
Ah. It makes a change
from goats and a pig, I suppose.
82
00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:02,032
A very refreshing one.
83
00:05:02,080 --> 00:05:04,037
I suppose, as far as you're concerned,
84
00:05:04,080 --> 00:05:06,720
Tom and I must be a blot
on The Avenue's escutcheon.
85
00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:08,990
- Yes, you are.
- Oh.
86
00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:11,475
But you are very dear friends.
87
00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:14,353
And by now I have risen like a phoenix
88
00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:16,516
from the fires of your eccentricities.
89
00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:18,915
Aw, don' she talk luv'ly?
90
00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:20,871
Yeah, very nice.
91
00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:22,638
You know what I mean.
92
00:05:22,680 --> 00:05:25,957
I mean that nothing you can do now
will shock me. It's quite simple.
93
00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:27,991
Yes. I understand that.
94
00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:32,358
Ah.
95
00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:38,557
Oh, when's the boar-walker coming, Barbara?
96
00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:39,795
Tomorrow.
97
00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:42,912
- Oh, yes.
- Boar-walker? What's a boar-walker?
98
00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:46,237
- This chap's bringing his boar to serve Pinky.
- With what?
99
00:05:48,920 --> 00:05:50,558
Oh, my God!
100
00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:52,318
Margo, you're shocked.
101
00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:55,352
- Where?
- Not in here. In the garden.
102
00:05:56,840 --> 00:05:59,036
But I shall be able to see it over the fence.
103
00:05:59,840 --> 00:06:01,717
Only if you're looking.
104
00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:05,310
- Well, what about Mrs Weaver?
- She can watch if she likes.
105
00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:10,630
But... this sort of thing
simply does not go on in Surbiton.
106
00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:12,796
It must do, Margo.
107
00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:16,554
That is how little baby Surbitonites are made.
108
00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:19,195
Good morning.
109
00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:24,634
Come on. Get in there, boy. Come on, old boy.
110
00:06:24,680 --> 00:06:27,718
Lovely. Go on. Get in. That's it. Good. Lovely.
111
00:06:27,760 --> 00:06:30,229
- Good.
- Lovely. Go on. Go on. Go on.
112
00:06:35,280 --> 00:06:38,750
Should have bought them a bottle of
champagne, really, don't you think?
113
00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:41,838
My old boy don't need champagne,
don't you worry.
114
00:06:43,840 --> 00:06:46,878
- Yorkshire Saddleback, isn't he?
- No. Large White.
115
00:06:46,920 --> 00:06:48,558
Yes, of course. Large White.
116
00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:51,952
Good.
117
00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:54,355
You've quite a little place here, haven't you?
118
00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:57,438
- Yes, yes. Oh, yes. Want to have a look round?
- Like to.
119
00:06:57,480 --> 00:06:59,039
- Tom?
- What?
120
00:06:59,080 --> 00:07:01,276
Have you seen the Berlin Wall over there?
121
00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:08,151
Would you excuse me?
122
00:07:22,640 --> 00:07:24,278
Hello, Margo.
123
00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:27,679
Tom.
124
00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:29,313
Good idea, this.
125
00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:30,759
I thought so.
126
00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:33,679
Very nice of you to think of our pig's privacy.
127
00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:43,632
Well, that's about it, Mr May.
Except, of course, the allotments,
128
00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:45,910
- but they're a couple of miles away.
- Oh, yes.
129
00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:48,873
- Glass of wine, Mr May?
- That would be very welcome.
130
00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:52,959
Only be careful because it's home-made
and you might find it a bit strong.
131
00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:55,230
Forewarned is forearmed. All the best.
132
00:07:55,280 --> 00:07:56,270
Cheers.
133
00:07:57,360 --> 00:07:59,078
Mm. Very nice.
134
00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:03,596
Well, Mr May, what do you think?
135
00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:05,950
Could do with a drop more alcohol in it.
136
00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:09,959
No, no, no. I mean...
l mean what do you think of the place generally?
137
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:12,071
Oh... very nice.
138
00:08:12,120 --> 00:08:15,431
I ask you because you're a countryman
and know what you're talking about.
139
00:08:15,480 --> 00:08:17,676
Well, though I say myself, I suppose I would.
140
00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:20,792
Do you know my family's been farming
since the 17th century?
141
00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:22,831
They must be tired by now, mustn't they?
142
00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:25,517
Barbara, please, I'm trying to have
143
00:08:25,560 --> 00:08:27,790
- a logical conversation with Mr May.
- Sorry.
144
00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:30,798
- I'd welcome any criticisms you'd care to make.
- You would?
145
00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:32,751
Yes. Though you may be surprised to hear it,
146
00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:36,111
Barbara and I had no experience of this
before we went into it.
147
00:08:36,160 --> 00:08:38,151
Oh, that doesn't surprise me.
148
00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:41,238
Pardon?
149
00:08:41,280 --> 00:08:43,078
Well, it shows, doesn't it?
150
00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:46,351
It's all very nice
but you're just playing at it, aren't you?
151
00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:48,789
We are not. This is our way of life!
152
00:08:48,840 --> 00:08:50,956
Oh, dear. Seemed more like just a hobby.
153
00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:52,991
- Now, look...
- Tom, Tom.
154
00:08:53,040 --> 00:08:55,031
What do you mean, Mr May?
155
00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:58,710
- Look, you two want to be self-sufficient, right?
- We are.
156
00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:02,071
By God, yes, but you're making it hard
for yourselves, aren't you?
157
00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:05,078
- Where's your integrated system?
- We've got a system.
158
00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:07,589
But it's not integrated. Just look at your land.
159
00:09:07,640 --> 00:09:11,474
- What have you really got? A back garden.
- It's a big one, though, isn't it?
160
00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:13,955
And be fair. We've got two allotments as well.
161
00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:15,991
Two miles away and no transport.
162
00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:18,270
You'll say next our animals are half-starved.
163
00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:22,393
Oh, they're well-fed, all right, but anyone
can spend half his profit on buying feed.
164
00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:24,113
Now, that's not true, not entirely.
165
00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:26,959
I graze our goat on the common every day,
absolutely free.
166
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:31,233
- How far away is the common?
- It's only three miles. I don't mind the walk.
167
00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:34,193
- What about the goat?
- She doesn't mind the walk.
168
00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:37,995
There you are. Look, I'm talking about milk yield.
169
00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:42,796
You walk a goat three miles, she fills her belly
with grass, but instead of going on making milk,
170
00:09:42,840 --> 00:09:45,798
it's going on giving her enough energy
to walk home again.
171
00:09:45,840 --> 00:09:48,150
Oh, you're just picking holes now.
172
00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:50,635
I'm not.
You asked what I thought and I'm telling you.
173
00:09:50,680 --> 00:09:54,674
If you don't want to take no notice,
I'll wait till my boy's finished and I'll be off.
174
00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:59,191
No. I'm sorry. It's just never pleasant to hear
what you're doing is straight out of Comic Cuts.
175
00:09:59,240 --> 00:10:01,436
- Who said that? I didn't say that.
- You did.
176
00:10:01,480 --> 00:10:03,710
No. I give you credit for making it work at all.
177
00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:06,479
All I'm saying,
is you're going about it arse uppards.
178
00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:08,272
- Pardon.
- That's all right.
179
00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:10,834
Look, I know what'd do you. Farley's Place.
180
00:10:10,880 --> 00:10:13,520
It's a smallholding down near where I live.
181
00:10:13,560 --> 00:10:17,269
No. You've got it wrong. We don't want
a smallholding or to go into farming.
182
00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:20,438
I know what you want.
You want to be self-sufficient, don't you?
183
00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:22,198
Like a little island.
184
00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:24,436
That's very astute of you.
You got that right.
185
00:10:24,480 --> 00:10:27,916
Just cos I come from t'country,
don't mean I'm a dope with straw in my hair.
186
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:31,635
I know what you want and I'm telling you
Farley's Place would do you a treat.
187
00:10:31,680 --> 00:10:34,593
Eight good acres there.
Why don't you come and have a look?
188
00:10:34,640 --> 00:10:36,358
No, I don't think so.
189
00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:38,835
You see, we've never really thought
of moving out.
190
00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:41,394
Up to you, but looking don't do no harm.
191
00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:43,636
You might pick up a few pointers at least.
192
00:10:43,680 --> 00:10:45,637
True, true. Well, why not?
193
00:10:45,680 --> 00:10:48,240
- Hey, Barbara?
- Yes, if you like.
194
00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:50,510
- I'll drive you back in the van.
- Oh, smashing.
195
00:10:50,560 --> 00:10:52,949
We don't have to go in the back with the boar,
do we?
196
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:57,995
No, I wouldn't do that to you because afterwards
he gets in a very, very funny mood.
197
00:10:58,040 --> 00:10:59,678
I wonder why.
198
00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:02,439
Well, look at it from the pig's point of view,
Barbara.
199
00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:06,314
Just as he expects to go on his honeymoon,
they sling him in the van and send him home.
200
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:08,798
Shall we go?
201
00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:28,000
Well, thanks very much for showing us round,
Mr May.
202
00:11:28,040 --> 00:11:30,395
That's all right. You take my advice.
203
00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,192
- You think about it.
- Will do.
204
00:11:32,240 --> 00:11:34,993
You're in good time.
The London train will be five minutes.
205
00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:37,077
Thanks very much. Bye, Mr May.
206
00:11:37,120 --> 00:11:38,679
- Bye.
- Bye.
207
00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:58,230
Shame we haven't got the money for the fare.
208
00:11:58,280 --> 00:12:00,999
Never mind. Show them a leg.
209
00:12:13,040 --> 00:12:14,155
Hey...
210
00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:21,309
You are so right, Mrs Weaver.
211
00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:26,230
You know, even parts of Surbiton have been
debased by the hobbledy-hoy element.
212
00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:30,433
Yes, Mrs Leadbetter,
but that is East Surbiton, isn't it?
213
00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:32,357
Oh, quite.
214
00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:36,997
See, that's why we feel that here
in our little enclave we are so fortunate.
215
00:12:37,040 --> 00:12:38,758
Aren't we, Jeremy?
216
00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:43,198
Jeremy.
217
00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:45,799
Oh, yes. Mm.
218
00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:50,073
You see, in The Avenue,
one can still rely on a level of erm...
219
00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:54,353
well, I know it's an old-fashioned expression
these days,
220
00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:56,755
but a level of responsible behaviour.
221
00:12:59,440 --> 00:13:02,671
Hello, Margo. Oi, oi. All right?
222
00:13:24,560 --> 00:13:26,437
- Hello, love.
- Hello.
223
00:13:26,480 --> 00:13:29,472
- Where have you been?
- I've been having a think in the garden.
224
00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:32,876
I'm the one who thinks in the garden.
You find your own place to think.
225
00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:35,514
- No need to, I've thunk.
- Oh, yes? What about?
226
00:13:35,560 --> 00:13:38,552
- That smallholding Mr May showed us.
- Yes, it was nice.
227
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:41,479
More than nice. We'd be mugs
not to move down there, you know?
228
00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:44,278
- What?
- Come on.
229
00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:46,311
Here. Come on. Over here. Come on.
230
00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:49,432
Let's discuss it. Let's talk about it.
Now, look. Listen.
231
00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:52,791
Look at the advantages.
Eight acres. Eight acres.
232
00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:54,956
You'd need a horse to plough that lot.
233
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:58,311
You could have a horse there!
There's room for an elephant if we wanted.
234
00:13:58,360 --> 00:14:00,829
- We don't.
- A hypothetical elephant.
235
00:14:00,880 --> 00:14:04,794
- I don't want a hypothetical elephant.
- You know what I mean.
236
00:14:04,840 --> 00:14:08,993
Think what we could grow! We could develop
that integrated system Mr May told us about.
237
00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:11,350
I never fully understood what he meant by that.
238
00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:14,279
- (Chuckles) Didn't you?
- No. What did he mean by that?
239
00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:16,709
And those outbuildings, you see?
240
00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:19,229
They really are it.
That's what we need, you see?
241
00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:22,113
Room for store, feed, equipment.
What have we got here?
242
00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:26,438
One mingy little shed. Every time you open
the door, you get a face full of ironmongery.
243
00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:27,754
- Question.
- Yes.
244
00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:30,360
Would Pinky be able to move
now that she's pregnant?
245
00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:32,311
Of course she would!
246
00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:34,954
And that farrowing sty down there's beautiful!
247
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:38,152
- It'd be like having a litter in the London Clinic.
- True.
248
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:40,874
When the family comes,
we can run them in the orchard.
249
00:14:40,920 --> 00:14:43,560
It must be better than them
circling under one apple tree.
250
00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:46,433
- True again.
- Think of it. Half an acre of fruit!
251
00:14:46,480 --> 00:14:47,800
True cubed.
252
00:14:47,840 --> 00:14:49,160
- Heifers!
- Pardon?
253
00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:50,998
- Heifers!
- Tom, will you sit down?
254
00:14:51,040 --> 00:14:53,998
It's like having a conversation
with a jumping cracker.
255
00:14:54,040 --> 00:14:57,032
Sorry. Heifers.
We could move into heifers. Cows.
256
00:14:57,080 --> 00:15:00,710
But that's farming.
We didn't want to become farmers.
257
00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:03,513
No, no, no, no. Cows, Cows.
258
00:15:03,560 --> 00:15:05,278
Fertiliser, grass, hay.
259
00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:09,393
Winter feed straight back into the cows.
That's self-sufficiency done properly.
260
00:15:09,440 --> 00:15:11,556
The house was dead right. The right size.
261
00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:15,275
In the middle of your land. No more
three-mile walk up the common with your goat.
262
00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:17,197
You just chuck her out the window.
263
00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:20,392
And what about that meadow
that runs down to the stream, eh?
264
00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:23,432
- For the heifers?
- No, you and me, all that long grass. Cor.
265
00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:25,118
Yes, it was nice.
266
00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:28,152
It's more than nice. It's practical, that's the point!
267
00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:30,237
Will you be jumping up again in a minute?
268
00:15:30,280 --> 00:15:32,237
No. I'm here now.
269
00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:34,510
- Shame, because you're on my hand.
- Sorry.
270
00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:37,198
But it is practical, isn't it?
271
00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:40,358
Have you got one practical reason
why this shouldn't be a good move?
272
00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:44,354
- No. No.
- Right. Right!
273
00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:47,358
- What are you doing? Where are you going?
- Get the ball rolling.
274
00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:50,711
Estate agent's the first thing.
See how much this place is worth.
275
00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:52,876
- I suppose it is.
- What are you doing here?
276
00:15:52,920 --> 00:15:56,754
Oh, that was some improvements
that Mr May suggested for this place.
277
00:15:56,800 --> 00:15:58,791
For this place? No need now.
278
00:16:02,440 --> 00:16:04,317
No.
279
00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:13,271
(Mouths silently)
280
00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:19,034
I shall miss Tom and Barbara, you know?
281
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:26,358
I said, I shall miss Tom and Barbara.
282
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:34,631
(Shouts) Jerry, I said
I shall miss Tom and Barbara.
283
00:16:34,680 --> 00:16:36,671
Ow.
284
00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:39,189
- Are you listening to the The New Seekers?
- Yes.
285
00:16:39,240 --> 00:16:41,151
- Why?
- I like The New Seekers.
286
00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:42,998
Well, I detest wallpaper music.
287
00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:47,873
Oh. That's why I'm wearing headphones.
288
00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:49,911
I'm sorry, Jerry, but I don't understand
289
00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:52,998
how you can listen to some silly 16-bar song
290
00:16:53,040 --> 00:16:55,600
when you've got the whole of Fidelio
on the shelf.
291
00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:58,154
I prefer British pop to German pop.
292
00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:00,555
- Philistine.
- True.
293
00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:02,591
Did you hear what I said?
294
00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:04,631
Yes, you said I was a philistine.
295
00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:06,637
- Before that.
- What?
296
00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:10,036
I said three times,
"I'shall miss Tom and Barbara."
297
00:17:10,080 --> 00:17:11,514
Yes, so shall l.
298
00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:13,471
They've been good friends.
299
00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:15,238
Yeah. Good entertainment too.
300
00:17:15,280 --> 00:17:18,432
It's like having a permanent
three-ring circus over the fence.
301
00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:22,436
I shall miss poor Barbara in particular.
302
00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:25,836
- Yes, so shall l.
- Why? Why Barbara in particular?
303
00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:29,638
Well, I mean,
you don't have to worry about Tom, do you?
304
00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:33,639
If Tom thought pole squatting was the lifestyle,
he'd be straight up the pole.
305
00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:35,353
Barbara, well, she's more...
306
00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:37,391
More...
307
00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:39,919
...sophisticated... like you.
308
00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:41,712
Thank you, Jerry.
309
00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:48,354
I'm making them this as a going-away present.
310
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:50,835
Ah. What is it?
311
00:17:50,880 --> 00:17:52,518
Isn't it obvious?
312
00:17:52,560 --> 00:17:54,915
It's Napoleon's tomb at Les Invalides.
313
00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:57,439
Very nice.
314
00:17:58,360 --> 00:17:59,919
(Knocking)
315
00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:01,837
- May I come in?
- Barbara!
316
00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:04,074
Barbara!
317
00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:08,677
What was that for?
318
00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:11,712
- I shall miss you terribly.
- So shall l.
319
00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:13,637
- Jerry!
- Yes, I know - drink.
320
00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:16,478
Come and sit down, dear.
321
00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:21,271
Oh, isn't that awful?
322
00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:23,675
Yes. I'm unpicking it.
323
00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:31,913
Actually, I just called round to ask you a favour.
324
00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:35,635
I wondered if we could give your phone number
to the estate agents.
325
00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:40,800
Only it's a bit awkward for us non-GPO types
to keep dashing backwards and forwards.
326
00:18:40,840 --> 00:18:42,558
Oh, yes, of course, dear. Of course.
327
00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:45,591
Thanks, Jerry. Thanks.
328
00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:48,553
Well... not long now, eh?
329
00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:54,598
No.
330
00:18:54,640 --> 00:18:56,153
- What's the matter?
- Barbara.
331
00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:02,278
I don't...
332
00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:04,596
I don't want to go.
333
00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:07,758
Why ever not?
I thought everything was hunky-dory.
334
00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:09,677
Oh, it is. That's the trouble.
335
00:19:09,720 --> 00:19:12,792
It's all very logical, rational and reasonable but...
336
00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:17,470
I just... I don't want to leave my little house.
337
00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:19,511
Does Tom know this?
338
00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:24,315
No, of course he doesn't.
He's not married to some little thing in a gymslip
339
00:19:24,360 --> 00:19:27,034
who cries to go home
just because the lessons get hard.
340
00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:29,879
I mean, it's only one...
341
00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:34,790
little emotional reason
against a whole mountain of common sense.
342
00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:37,639
I've never thought of Tom
as a mountain of common sense.
343
00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:41,514
Oh, we both think it's common sense, Jerry.
That's the trouble.
344
00:19:41,560 --> 00:19:44,552
Well, you must simply tell Tom
that you are not going.
345
00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:46,159
I certainly would.
346
00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:48,396
- Yes, you would.
- Meaning, Jerry. Meaning?
347
00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:51,319
Well, Tom and Barbara are different,
aren't they?
348
00:19:51,360 --> 00:19:53,510
They don't arrive at a solution like we do.
349
00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:57,474
Good lord, they have more conferences
than the CBI and the TUC.
350
00:19:57,520 --> 00:20:01,195
Yes, and we all know which one is the TUC,
don't we?
351
00:20:01,240 --> 00:20:04,471
The one who is dictating the terms, namely Tom.
352
00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:07,672
- That's not true.
- Loyal, passive Barbara.
353
00:20:07,720 --> 00:20:10,030
Well, I shall tell Tom.
354
00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:12,037
One step and I'll drop you where you stand.
355
00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:14,833
- Barbara!
- I might be smaller but I'm a better fighter.
356
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:17,474
- Really?
- I'm sorry, but that goes for you too, Jerry.
357
00:20:17,520 --> 00:20:20,080
Promise me you won't tell Tom.
Promise me, both of you.
358
00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:22,475
- Very well. I promise.
- Jerry?
359
00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:24,511
Yes, of course. Yes.
360
00:20:24,560 --> 00:20:26,392
I don't want to be beaten up.
361
00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:31,997
Honestly, Barbara, I do think you ought to tell
him, you know? After all, this is important.
362
00:20:32,040 --> 00:20:34,509
I'm not going to. I'm not.
363
00:20:35,560 --> 00:20:39,554
I can't... jeopardise our whole way of life...
364
00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:42,069
just because I'm...
365
00:20:42,120 --> 00:20:44,270
a silly, emotional woman.
366
00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:47,679
(Door slams)
367
00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:50,671
I tell you this, Jerry.
368
00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:53,314
The male animal has a lot to answer for.
369
00:20:53,360 --> 00:20:55,590
What have I done now?
370
00:20:55,640 --> 00:20:59,759
All of you! Down through the ages.
And it's the woman who always suffers.
371
00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:03,680
You drag her along behind you
like a mere thing, an object, a chattel.
372
00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:06,314
- Look, I said...
- Don't interrupt, Jerry!
373
00:21:06,360 --> 00:21:09,079
Just put that hi-fi equipment away
and make the coffee.
374
00:21:09,120 --> 00:21:11,680
Anything you say, chattel.
375
00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:31,957
(Shouts) Morning! Tom?
376
00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:33,798
Hello, Jerry.
377
00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:38,310
I don't know whether it's of any interest to you,
378
00:21:38,360 --> 00:21:40,829
but I think I may have found
a buyer for this house.
379
00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:42,109
Oh?
380
00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:44,913
Chap I know wants to move out here.
381
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:48,919
Money'd be no problem
and he's been vetted and approved by Margo.
382
00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:50,359
What do you say?
383
00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:54,439
He wouldn't be one of these ripping things out
and putting things in types?
384
00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:56,756
You're moving. I don't see that it matters to you.
385
00:21:56,800 --> 00:21:58,632
No, no, no. It's just that, you know,
386
00:21:58,680 --> 00:22:01,718
you like to know that somebody
will look after it properly.
387
00:22:01,760 --> 00:22:05,151
- It's a house, not a dog!
- True, true.
388
00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:08,989
Incidentally, painting a yard of skirting board
won't put much on the price.
389
00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:11,554
Now, look, I have respect for this place.
390
00:22:11,600 --> 00:22:15,036
Oh, we did get out of the pigsty
on the wrong side this morning, didn't we?
391
00:22:15,080 --> 00:22:18,630
Well, a house isn't just a house, is it?
392
00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:20,671
We've been here a long time.
393
00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:26,390
It's been a good old place, this.
A good old place.
394
00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:28,238
It's all right.
395
00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:30,635
You know something?
396
00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:34,594
Barbara and I moved in here
a week before we got married and...
397
00:22:34,640 --> 00:22:37,200
- Don't you mean a week after you got married'?
- No.
398
00:22:38,720 --> 00:22:41,951
As soon as we got indoors, we got this feeling.
399
00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:43,399
Did you? (Chuckles)
400
00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:46,118
Of being at home!
401
00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:50,279
And over the years, you see, you build up
a store of memories about a place.
402
00:22:50,320 --> 00:22:54,359
Every corner of this old house
has a memory for me... and Barbara.
403
00:22:54,400 --> 00:22:58,917
- (Hums)
- Oh, shut up. Happy memories. You know...
404
00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:02,351
Like that broken banister rail. Ha.
405
00:23:02,400 --> 00:23:05,074
I did that
when I fell down the stairs that Christmas.
406
00:23:05,120 --> 00:23:07,634
That dead pigeon that clogged our water tank.
407
00:23:08,400 --> 00:23:10,198
Cor. Yeah, here's something...
408
00:23:10,240 --> 00:23:14,120
I've got a job to go to before you completely
submerge yourself in sentimentality.
409
00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:15,878
Am I going to tell this chap or not?
410
00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:18,799
- Yes. Of course. Certainly. Definitely. Only...
- Only what?
411
00:23:18,840 --> 00:23:21,036
I don't want to go, Jerry.
412
00:23:21,080 --> 00:23:23,754
- Oh, you're another one.
- Pardon?
413
00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:26,269
Er, nothing.
Look, you've been extolling the virtues
414
00:23:26,320 --> 00:23:29,597
of this cold-comfort farm place all week.
What's suddenly gone wrong?
415
00:23:29,640 --> 00:23:34,271
Nothing. We've gone into everything and
everything says the practical thing to do is move
416
00:23:34,320 --> 00:23:37,358
but when it comes right down to it...
I don't want to.
417
00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:40,552
Just for one silly, little emotional reason?
418
00:23:40,600 --> 00:23:42,716
- Well, that is it exactly, Jerry.
- Yes.
419
00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:45,752
How can I put that forward
as a valid argument to Barbara?
420
00:23:45,800 --> 00:23:47,393
- I 'should try.
- I can't.
421
00:23:47,440 --> 00:23:49,192
- I 'should try.
- I can't
422
00:23:49,240 --> 00:23:51,356
- All right, then, don't.
- I will, then.
423
00:23:51,400 --> 00:23:52,390
Good.
424
00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:56,479
If you'll excuse me, I'll return
to the comparative sanity of the plastics industry.
425
00:23:56,520 --> 00:23:58,909
Thanks, Jerry. Thanks for talking me round.
426
00:24:11,120 --> 00:24:12,315
Oh!
427
00:24:16,720 --> 00:24:18,438
(Sighs)
428
00:24:32,280 --> 00:24:33,998
14 eggs today.
429
00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:36,839
Good-0. I'm painting.
430
00:24:36,880 --> 00:24:39,440
Mm. So I see.
431
00:24:43,280 --> 00:24:46,272
That's... two more than yesterday.
432
00:24:46,320 --> 00:24:48,311
Oh, is it?
433
00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:53,199
- Tom...
- Barbara...
434
00:24:53,240 --> 00:24:57,074
I've got to say something.
I've been trying to keep it inside but I can't.
435
00:24:57,120 --> 00:24:58,599
- What'?
436
00:25:00,520 --> 00:25:02,511
I don't want to move.
437
00:25:03,560 --> 00:25:05,437
But... But..
438
00:25:05,480 --> 00:25:09,792
Oh, yes, I know it's all buts.
I knew you'd say that and you're absolutely right.
439
00:25:09,840 --> 00:25:12,673
I mean, I know I'm behaving like a silly,
emotional woman.
440
00:25:12,720 --> 00:25:14,950
I can't give you one sensible explanation.
441
00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:17,389
It's just that I love this house!
442
00:25:17,440 --> 00:25:20,273
And I want to grow old and grey in it.
443
00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:22,311
(Sobs)
444
00:25:23,360 --> 00:25:25,351
- Do you, love?
- Yes.
445
00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:30,040
So much for relying on me to be practical.
446
00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:33,596
Now, now, now. Don't blame yourself, Barbara.
447
00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:35,916
It's part of a woman's make-up.
448
00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:39,833
I've actually been going round the house
patting things.
449
00:25:43,600 --> 00:25:45,079
Have you really?
450
00:25:45,120 --> 00:25:48,476
Yes, yes. It is. That's what it is.
A woman's make-up.
451
00:25:48,520 --> 00:25:51,558
(Chuckles) It's not the way a bloke thinks.
Good heavens, no.
452
00:25:51,600 --> 00:25:53,750
I like this house, of course. Very much.
453
00:25:53,800 --> 00:25:57,191
But, you know, when you come down to it,
it's just somewhere to live.
454
00:25:57,240 --> 00:26:01,757
Yes, that's the trouble. That's the difference.
You can think with your head, not your heart.
455
00:26:01,800 --> 00:26:03,791
Yes, I suppose I can.
456
00:26:03,840 --> 00:26:06,480
Oh, I feel such a fool, Tom.
457
00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:09,797
Now, now, now. Don't dwell on it, love.
458
00:26:09,840 --> 00:26:13,629
Look... what you feel is important to me.
459
00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:19,151
In fact, it's important enough to say.. this...
460
00:26:20,040 --> 00:26:21,838
We'll stay here, Barbara.
461
00:26:22,880 --> 00:26:26,669
Oh, no, Tom, no. I couldn't.
I couldn't be that selfish.
462
00:26:26,720 --> 00:26:29,917
You've got your heart set on that smallholding.
463
00:26:30,960 --> 00:26:32,519
Well...
464
00:26:32,560 --> 00:26:34,551
maybe I had.
465
00:26:34,600 --> 00:26:38,480
But if you really want to stay here, love,
here we stay.
466
00:26:40,440 --> 00:26:42,431
- But...
- No.
467
00:26:42,480 --> 00:26:44,471
That's my final word.
468
00:26:46,320 --> 00:26:49,438
Oh, Tom!
469
00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:52,191
Sorry, forgot my briefcase.
470
00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:55,551
I see you two have performed
another living fairytale.
471
00:26:55,600 --> 00:26:58,353
We're not going, Jerry! We're staying!
472
00:26:58,400 --> 00:27:00,391
Oh, good. Tom told you, then?
473
00:27:00,440 --> 00:27:02,431
Yes, it's all sorted out, Jerry!
474
00:27:03,480 --> 00:27:06,040
- Get a move on or you'll be late.
- Told me what?
475
00:27:06,080 --> 00:27:08,356
- That he doesn't want to go.
- (Mouths silently)
476
00:27:08,400 --> 00:27:12,394
He was practically crying on my shoulder
about it ten minutes ago. You all right?
477
00:27:14,640 --> 00:27:17,473
- Because he doesn't want to go?
- Yes.
478
00:27:24,440 --> 00:27:27,034
You toad!
479
00:27:29,640 --> 00:27:32,234
Barbara, that's an egg. Be practical!
480
00:27:32,280 --> 00:27:34,590
- Like you, you mean? Yes, like you.
- It's a waste.
481
00:27:34,640 --> 00:27:37,917
Yes, I shall be very sorry
to see Barbara and Tom go.
482
00:27:37,960 --> 00:27:40,793
They've been such friends
to Jeremy and myself.
483
00:27:40,840 --> 00:27:42,831
Basically, they're very nice people.
484
00:27:42,880 --> 00:27:46,953
What about that episode the other day,
coming home on the back of that awful lorry?
485
00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:50,719
Oh, a little eccentricity.
486
00:27:51,800 --> 00:27:56,431
No, I can assure you, Mrs Weaver,
that was not typical of their behaviour at all.
487
00:27:56,480 --> 00:27:58,118
No, I'm sure it isn't.
488
00:27:58,840 --> 00:28:00,160
Toad!
489
00:28:01,600 --> 00:28:02,590
Toad!
490
00:28:02,640 --> 00:28:07,190
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