All language subtitles for Superstore (2015) - S02E03 - Guns, Pills and Birds (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 Silence)_track3_[eng]

.

- Gabby is in soft lines,

Elias, grocery,

Jonah,
you're at the gun counter.

- Oh, uh--oh.
[shudders]

Can I switch with somebody?

I just--I don't really
believe in guns.

I mean, I'm just...

kind of against selling them

or buying them

or owning them.

- You don't have a gun?
- No, what do I need a gun for?

- Home security.
Hunting.

I mean, without guns,

how are you gonna properly
start a drag race?

[mimics cocking gun]
Vaya con dios, amigos.

- Without a gun,
I do not know

how I would stop
that raccoon

from trying to impregnate my
Winnie the Pooh lawn ornament.

- Okay, look, I'm not--

I'm not, like,
against weapons as a whole.

I fenced in college,
but there's--

- [laughing] Okay.
- What?

What are you doing?
- Oh, I'm keeping a list

of all the crazy white-person
stuff you say.

Oh, fencing, that's definitely
going on there.

- What else is on there.
- Oh, it's long.

I got wearing boat shoes,
BBC America,

makes his own trail mix...

- You love my trail mix.
- All right, okay.

It's fine.
Jonah, you can trade with--

- Wait, wait, wait.

We can just say no
to a shift assignment?

Because I would rather not
be in the fitting rooms.

They're basically
just fart capsules.

- Can I not be in menswear?

Everything there reminds me
of my ex-boyfriend, Brian.

- No, guys, what Jonah
is asking for is different.

He has a moral objection
to guns.

- I'd be in the same position
if the store asked us

to start selling,
you know, hashish

or the morning-after pill.

- We sell
the morning-after pill.

- What?

- I don't wanna sell rice
anymore.

It doesn't taste like anything.

And Oriental--

- All right, all right,
all right.

Okay.

No changing
shift assignments.

Okay, I get that we don't like
selling guns or pills or rice,

but we sell all those things
in the store.

End of story.
Jonah, you stay on guns.

- Okay, fine, but I want
my objection noted.

- [snickers] Oh, that whole
phrase is going on the list.

[upbeat music]

*

[crow caws]

- Oh, so I get put
on Instruments of Death duty

and you get picking up pizzas.

- Adam's taking Emma
on a Girl Scouts camping trip,

and I have
the whole weekend to myself.

- And you know what?
There is nothing cooler

than spending two days
at home alone

with 12 French bread pizzas.

- I'm not gonna eat
all of them...

- Okay, good.
- But what if I burn one, Jonah?

Or what if there's
a manufacturer's cheese error?

- Does that happen?

- I've worked two doubles
in a row this week.

I need my pizzas to be perfect.
- I get it.

- Just me, the couch,
some Cloud 9 brand wine...

- A Neuage Neuf classique,
of course.

- And some amazing movies.

- Oh, there's a Danish drama
on Netflix that--

- [mimics buzzer]
Wrong answer.

I'm thinking mid-'90s rom-coms,

like Freddie Prinze Jr.
takes the nerd to the prom

because underneath
those glasses,

she's really beautiful, Jonah.

She's beautiful.

- It sounds like you got
the whole thing figured out,

and you deserve it,
so you go off and have fun.

But I'm just gonna
throw this out there,

Garrett and I are gonna watch
some basketball later--

- [mimics buzzer]
- You want to be alone.

- Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
- Got it. Have fun.

- I'm free.

- Oh.

Cool.

- Attention, shoppers,
there's a 40% off sale

in our exercise gear section,

which will be closing next week
due to lack of interest.

Over in patio furniture,
we're gonna have--ahh!

Ahh!

[clears throat]

Uh...

my bad, y'all.

That reaction was very
out of character for me.

I'm normally a very cool guy.

I have a lot of cool sneakers
and a very active sex life.

- Hey.
- Hey. Hey!

- Um, I'd like
that 9-millimeter

and a box of bullets,
please.

- Yes, got it.
You wanted the 9-millimeter.

And a box of bullets.

Coming right up.

I'm gonna go ahead
and grab that for you.

Just gonna grab it from...

right--
- That's the one.

- Yeah, this is--
yeah, no, I...[laughs]

It's coming--
ooh, wow.

Ooh, that's--
that's heavy.

[chuckles]

This feels like...

like an 11-millimeter,
am I right?

The bullets, yep.

Uh...

just the 9-millimeter--
[bullets clattering]

Ahh! Gun!
Gun, gun, gun, gun, gun!

Gun, gun, gun!

[clears throat]
All clear.

All clear.

- Hey, uh, Tate,

is it true we sell
the morning-after pill?

- We definitely have
the morning-after pill.

Yeah, right over there.

- Oh. Wow.

So prominent.
- Yeah.

- Listen, Tate,

I would never
ask you to sell something

that you were not
comfortable with,

so if you wanna remove them
from the pharmacy,

I will support you.

- Are you kidding?

I love the morning-after pill.

I have to keep a couple boxes
at timeshare in Tampa.

- Tampa?
- Oh, yeah.

Women love it there.
You know what I mean?

Yeah, it's a sick place.

It's only, like, 12 miles
from the beach.

- Okay, but between us,

could you just
find a reason

to take them off the shelf?

You know, um...

maybe say that
they're, like, expired?

- That would be a lie.

- Tate, do you believe
in God?

- Yeah, I think there's a god.
- Yeah?

- But I think he lives
in nature.

You know, the rocks
and trees and crap like that.

Honestly, I think God
could be a frog.

- Oh, brother.

- So what are we talking?

Rook? Western jackdaw?
Thick-billed?

- I don't know.
It was a crow.

Who cares what kind?

- Um, we care.

Because it we're gonna kill it--
- We're not gonna kill it.

We're gonna get it
out of the store safely.

- Right. Obviously.
Priority one is safety.

- Forget safety--
I say we pull the fire alarm,

clear out the store,
turn up the heat,

make the whole place a oven,
problem solved.

- Whoa, easy,
that's a little violent.

- Yeah, psycho, why would anyone
want to hurt a bird?

- Okay, A: 'cause
they're dirty flying dinosaurs.

And B: you don't need
any other reasons.

- No one is
hurting the crow.

They are amazing creatures
that recognize human face

and they throw each other
funerals.

- Funerals.

- Why would you give me
that information?

That doesn't calm me down!

[light background music]

[thud, crow caws]

*

- Excuse me, sir.

- Um...

are--are you talking to me?

- Oh, yeah.
You.

We would to buy one rifle,
please.

Just the one rifle,
please and thank you.

- What--what are you
gonna hunt for?

- Uh, liars.

Elk.
Hunting elk.

- Um...

if you could excuse me
for one moment.

- I'm just gonna
sit in front of my television,

and I'm gonna eat and drink
whatever I want.

- Mm-hmm, okay, well,
what you're describing

is every single day
of my life.

- Really?
- Uh, hey.

So there is someone over there
that I really,

really don't think
should be allowed to own a gun,

Um...or a car or a fork.

What do I do?

- Well, I mean, you're allowed
to deny him service

but only if you think
he's actually dangerous.

- Okay, good.

How do I know that
he's actually dangerous?

- Yeah, maybe no gun for him.

[crow caws]
both: Hi.

- Can I take a look
at that bolt action rifle?

- Yes, you may.

All right, uh...

Oh, hey, this one
is expensive.

- It is.

But I really want to
treat myself today.

- Yeah.
- I just got laid off.

- Oh.
I'm so sorry to hear that.

- Yeah, I'm pretty upset
about it.

- How upset are you?

- Well, extremely.

I worked there over 20 years,

and then they just get rid of me
like I'm trash?

Well, they're gonna regret it.

- Service denied.
Service denied.

- Excuse me?

- You just said you're upset

and they were gonna regret it,
so nope.

- 'Cause I'm the only one

who understands
the payroll software.

I mean, who's gonna do it now?
Monica?

- Look, I'm sorry I'm being
overly cautious,

but you know what?

Why don't we try and find you

a better hobby than this,
you know?

Have you ever
considered fencing?

- No.

Fencing sucks.

- No, it doesn't.

- All right,
in order for this to work,

it is critical
that we run at the crow

at exactly the same speed,
8 miles per hour, got it?

[crow caws]
- Yes, ma'am.

- All right.

- Actually, I don't know
how fast that is.

- Sorry, sometimes
I forget you're Asian.

13 kilometers per hour.

- I still don't--

- It's 240 steps a minute.

- That doesn't mean
anything to me.

- Well, I don't know
how to make it any clearer.

- You're just saying
just run pretty fast, right?

- "Pretty fast"
is a relative term.

What's your resting
heart rate?

- I have no idea.

- God, we're gonna have to
figure it out now.

Okay, take your pulse
for ten seconds.

You're gonna multiply
that number by six.

- Dude, you know
the bird flew away,

like, a while ago, right?

- Thanks.

- So just
the morning-after pill?

That would have
been my guess.

My man.
All right.

[sighs]
Okeydokey.

So a couple things you need to
know about this bad boy.

- Hey, Tate.

You want to see
some pictures of my kids?

- No.
Gross.

I hate kids.

- Wait till you see
how cute they are.

Children are such a gift.

- Oh.

- How do I
call up these pictures?

All right,
just give me a sec.

"Viewing photos.

Go to the home screen
by tapping Menu button."

- I'm sorry.
We really need to get going.

- Of course.

Glenn, would you just
cut it out?

Let them buy the damn pill.

- Would you
mind very much

if I just
cut in front of you?

I am in a huge rush.

Huge!
- I guess.

- Thank you.

- [sighs]
All right.

- Yeah, hi, I'd like to buy

all of your morning-after pills,
please.

- [chuckles drily]

- Big weekend.

Gonna get all liquored up
and promiscuous.

- I'm happy to try to clean it
up, but the problem is,

if I even think about vom--

[dry heaving]

[burps]
- Oh.

- [dry heaving]

- Okay, okay.

Okay.
I got it.

I'll clean it up.

- [dry heaving]
- Oh, god.

- [retching]
- [groans]

[sighs]
Three more hours.

Three more hours.
Three more hours.

[phone buzzing]

Oh, hey, babe, what's up?

- Hey, please don't be mad,

but Frank just got
last-minute tickets

to the entrepreneurs
conference this weekend,

and I know I said I would
take Emma camping, but--

- Yeah, that should do it.

All right, just dump that
in the cart there.

Okay, that should
draw her out.

- How do you know
it's a woman?

- I'm glad you asked, Mateo.

Birds don't have genitalia
as we're familiar with.

They have internal penises
called cloacas.

- Okay.

- And when they become
very engorged--

[crow caws]

- [screaming]

[crows cawing]
[yelping]

[sighs]

- Look, I'm gonna
give it to you straight.

This is bad.

- You know I'm just gonna
order more of these, right?

- And I'll be standing
right here,

Cloud 9 credit union
card in hand.

- Okay.

Well, that comes to

$1,127
and 54 cents.

- What?

That much?

- Yeah.

Well, each pill
is over 40 bucks.

I'd explain why, but

your brain couldn't handle
the science.

- No, no,
I can't afford that.

I mean, well,
with car payments

and mortgage
and groceries for 13,

we're barely getting by.

- Mm.

- I'm gonna have to
return these.

- Mm.

No, you can't return pills.

- What?
- Yeah.

That's illegal.

You could have
tampered with them.

- But you know I didn't.

I was here the whole time.

- Were you?

- I know I said I could take
Emma on the trip.

- Yes, you did.

- Excuse me.
- Just one second.

Adam, I was really looking
forward to this weekend.

I was gonna wear sweatpants
and slippers and no bra.

Can you take
a couple steps back?

- I promise,
I will make it up to you,

but could you please
just let this one go?

- [sighs]
- Just this one time?

- [scoffs]

Just this one time.

Fine.

Okay.

Look, I gotta go.

How can I help you, sir?

- I have a complaint
about one of your salesmen.

- But you said
I have the right

to refuse service
to anybody I want.

- Yes, technically
you have the right,

but you need to
use some common sense.

- If I was using common sense,

I would take all of these guns
and throw them out the door.

- You know what I mean.

- Look, I told you
I wasn't comfortable

working the gun counter.

- Yeah, and I told you
that you have to.

- Ugh, god forbid
you let something go

for once in your life.

- Why do I have to let it go?

Why don't you
let it go, Jonah?

It's not my job to make

every man in the world's
life easier.

I'm not moving you.

- Well, I'm not
changing what I'm doing.

- Ugh!

Why is everybody
being such a jerk today?

[wings flap, poop splats]

- I think the bird--
- Yeah.

I know.

[Mr. Mister's "Broken Wings"
playing softly]

[crows cawing]

- I just feel so bad

about letting
my moral priorities

interfere with
your buying choices,

especially because
for all I know,

you might not even be
planning on using the pill.

You know, maybe
you're gonna use them

as plates in a doll's house

or drop 'em in a Diet Coke
to see if they fizz up.

- No, we had unprotected sex
last night.

- Okay,
buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh!

What I don't know
can't hurt me

or send me to hell.

[laughs feebly]
Just kidding.

Um, so do you have cash?

- I'm sorry; I just have
way too many concerns

about your level of anger.

- This is discrimination.

I'm gonna call the NRA
about this.

- Okay, well, you know,

that you're getting so angry
is only proving my point.

- What is going on?

- Here's what's going on.

This entire place
is a dictatorship,

and it's being ruled over
by Emperor Amy.

- Oh, god, can you guys
just act like adults

and have an affair
or something?

- What?
No, shh!

Listen.

If Amy wants me to
run the gun counter,

then Amy needs
to understand

that I get to decide
who gets the guns.

And I'm gonna
make those decisions fairly

and with due diligence.

I'm sorry.
I just don't trust redheads.

- [scoffs]

- Too fiery.

- Congratulations on
being sexually active.

- I'm sorry?

- Okay, I know
I probably can't talk you

out of buying
contraception, right?

I mean, that's just
not gonna happen.

- I didn't ask for
any assistance.

- So if it's gonna happen
no matter what,

these are $50 each.

Okay, now, I'm not looking
to make a profit.

That's the price I paid

plus a small donation
to the pro-life coalition.

You know?
And--

We're all gonna die
in here!

- Whoa, whoa!

- Okay, everybody calm down.

It's just an open carry protest.

Gun owners are just exercising
their second amendment rights.

It's all perfectly legal.

Okay, but let's not
let this little gun thing

overshadow the real problem,
which is the crows.

They are equally as dangerous.

- Why are they here?

- Well, apparently Jonah
was denying service

to everybody who
wanted to buy a gun, so--

- Oh, what a D bag.

- I shouldn't have been there
in the first place, okay?

Technically,
this is Amy's fault.

- What?

- Amy, can you just
move Jonah?

- No, he doesn't get to win.

- Ugh.
Why are you being like this?

- "Like this."
What is "like this"?

I'm doing my job.

- Oh, my god,
just bang already.

- That's what I been saying.

- Gross.

- Eww.
- Okay, okay.

We're all feeling emotional,

but we're gonna get through this
safely together.

And then we can go home
to our loved ones.

Oh, and if you're
planning on

having sex with them tonight,
come see me.

All right, meeting dismissed.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hold up.

What about this crow emergency,
y'all?

Hold up.

Hey, guys,
we gotta do something.

They got the same brain-to-body
ratio as humans.

A group of 'em's
called a murder!

Judy!

Judy!

[soothing music plays softly]

- [chuckles]

[crows cawing]

- Attention, shoppers.

- Attention.

- I need everyone in the store
to be completely silent

as I will be
making some noises

that replicate the calls
of the crows' natural enemies.

This will drive them
out of the store.

Thank you.

[clears throat]

Koo-wik

ka!

[mimics flapping]

[mimics bird cawing]

Whip-poor-will, will, will,
will, will, will, will.

Hoo!

Hoo!

Hoo!

[mimics bird trilling]

[mimics cawing]

[crows caw]

[mimics hooting]
[crows cawing]

[gasps]

[zipper zipping]

[crow caws]
Oh!

Oh, [bleep]!

There's a crow

in the mother[bleep] tent!

[bleep] you, crow!
[bleep]!

[The Supremes'
"Baby Love" playing]

*

- Today is a great day
for the second amendment.

all: Yeah!

- I'm proud to see
so many of us came out here

to protest
the despicable actions

of that short-haired lady
over there

who infringed
on our rights today.

She can't take us
away from our guns.

all: Yeah!

- Okay, all right, all right.

First of all, I'm a man,
but thank you.

Second of all, what about my
first amendment right, huh?

The right to an opinion.

I can say whatever
I want to say.

- Well, I don't gotta
listen to it.

Blah-bitty blah, blah.

- Blah, blah, blah.

- Will everybody
please just shut up!

You sound like children.

Okay?

Look.

We can't all--
- We can't hear you.

- [clears throat]

We can't all--
- Get up high.

[crowd murmurs indistinctly]

- Look.

We can't all just do
whatever we want

whenever we want to.

You don't want to sell guns,
it's your job.

Be a grown-up.

And you!

Someone pisses you off

so you have to flash a rifle
to prove a point?

Come on, man.

Just be a grown-up.

Look.

I wanted to spend the weekend
eating pizza

and watching
Freddie Prinze Jr.

- Isn't he dead?

- What?

I don't think so.

No, I'm, like,
70% sure he's alive.

Okay, that's
beside the point.

The point is that
I don't get to do that

because my husband
got tickets to a conference.

But I'm an adult.

So you don't see me
throwing a fit about it.

- Isn't that kind of
what you're doing now?

- Okay, while we're
talking about stuff,

sexuality
and morality:

two alaties with--

[crow caws]

[guns cocking]
- Watch it!

Hold your fire!
[crow caws]

- Nobody hurt the bird!

- [gasps]
[crow caws]

[gasping]

[paper rustling]

[chuckles]

You all right.
[chuckles]

- I'm sorry your weekend
got ruined.

- It's fine.

These things happen.

- You know, I'm gonna
just go ahead

and work the gun counter.

You were right.
I was--I was being a jerk.

- Really?

Wow.

Thank you, Jonah.

- No problem.

[chuckles]

- Wait a second.

Are you agreeing with me
because I'm right

or because
you feel sorry for me?

- Because you're right.

Why would I feel sorry

for such a strong,
fierce woman, you know?

Get it, girl.

- You feel sorry for me.

- I--no.
I don't.

- Oh, no, no, no.
I don't need anybody's pity.

Don't work the gun counter.

- No, it's fine.
I'm working the gun counter.

- I just said you're not work
the gun counter.

- But I'm putting me on guns.

Here I go.
- No, I'm stopping you.

- Well, you can't
stop me, so--

- Yes, I can stop you.

I just gave you an order,
and I'm your supervisor.

- You're not--
I refuse your order.

- Yes, I am your supervisor.
- What are you--

- He calls shrimps "prawns."

Spent his Sunday walking
to a farmers' market.

He's been to, like,
all the renaissance fairs.

Referred to the day
he ate a hamburger

as a cheat day.

[bag rustles]
- Gotcha!

[crow caws]

Stop it.

Okay. Whew!
- Okay, okay.

Take care of this,
will you?

[crow cawing]

[sighs]

- Want me to take care of it?
- Yeah.

- All right.

- See, I told you
we could get the bird

out of the store safely.

- Well, I gotta say,
I was wrong.

No reason
to hurt that little thing.

- They're smart animals.
They deserve kindness.

- And you treated it
humanely.

And I gotta respect that.

- Well, I just treat them
how I would want to be treated.

You know?
[sighs]

All right, let's go
release this little sweetheart.

- But--Dina, I have
something to tell you!

- Hello, ma'am.

You look sexual; could I--

Sir, do you have
unprotected sex?

- Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

Bag of blood.

It's a bag of blood!

Oh, you monster.