All language subtitles for Lady Ballers 2023.eng

You're playing like a bunch of ladies
out there, come on.

What are you doing, man?

What are you doing?

That's halftime, folks.

Woo hoo.

You guys are doing great, man.

You're doing so, you're doing such a good job.

And honestly, this time, it's gonna.

What the hell?

You call that a pass?

You call that a catch?

- Your mom's a catch?
- She's your mom too.

Hey, get off the floor,
what's the matter with you?

You're playing like JV girls out there.

And for the record, your
mother is not a catch.

She was decidedly unfaithful to your dad.

Come on.

Coach, is Gabe gonna be all right?

No, Gabe's not gonna be all right, David.

Gabe blew his ACL and probably
our chance at being state champs.

But Coach, you're already a state champ.

Two times state champ, it's true.

For me, this is a minor
step back for you boys.

This is it, this is your shot.

No state championship means,

well, it means no making your parents proud.

It means no scholarship to Michigan.

But Michigan's my dream.

It means Gabriel died in vain.

You said it was his ACL.

Well, he can't score points in the
second half, so he's dead to me.

What about me and Blain?

I mean, I'm being honest, I see you both
in and up, used car salesmen either way.

Nice.

But you can kiss your chances
with Rebecca Vanderkamp goodbye.

Damn.

She isn't into you.

No.

She's into you.

I'm rolling.

Come on, Coach. You must
have something to help us win.

I already threw three chairs on the sidelines,
pal. I don't know what else you want from me.

And that was inspiring for sure.

But...

But what?

You know.

You want to pep-talk Alex? Is that it?

You think I'm like one of those coaches on TV

who can just give a speech and change
the face of every young man in a locker room?

That I could by dent of my rhetoric alone,

so stir the hearts of my team as to snatch
victory from the jaws of certain defeat.

That by the virtue of
my soaring oratory alone,

I might muster the animal spirit
in each and every one of you.

That you might do the impossible,

strive harder, dig deeper,

and say to that ancient enemy of man

who promised an easy life
with no suffering or glory,

no, not me, not today.

To call forth the future

and all the wonderful and
terrible possibility it holds.

Not for the meek,

but for the bold, for the brave,

for those willing to risk it all
that history might remember their names.

Remember their struggles

and remember what it means to be a Tiger.

To those who say in the voice of thunder,

winners are just losers who win.

I said winners are just losers who win.

Winners are just losers who win.

Winners are just losers who win.

Winners are just losers who win.

Now get up there and show them a champion.

Let's go. Let's go.

Let's go Tigers.

I'm a little pride taker.

You're a god among men, Coach.

I am, towel boy. I really am.

It's... Felix.

? You think it's over ?

? but it's just starting ?

? Can't you see ?

? ain't going nowhere ?

? until the others finally see ?

? It takes a strong one ?

? to stand and face the coming storm ?

? It ain't over ?

? No ?

? No ?

? It ain't over ?

? It ain't over ?

? It ain't over ?

? It ain't over ?

? It ain't over ?

Yeah.

Wow. They are calling you Coach Miracle,

the coach of the new millennium,
the future of basketball.

What do you say to that?

Coach Miracle?

Sir?

What do you have to say for yourself?

Lady, what can I possibly say?

The three state championships
have been set already by Tigers.

Tonight's that indication.

The future looks right for Coach Miracle.

Go Tigers.

Go Coach. Go Coach. Go Coach.
Go Coach. Go Coach. Go Coach.

That's the only trophy you want today.

What does it take to be a man?

Is it money? Fame? Respect? Maybe.

But what do those things have in common?

What do they take to achieve?

You have to win. You have to be a winner.

So now you have a question
before you gentlemen.

You going to go out there today and
play like it's just another game?

Or are you going to go out there
and play like this could be the beginning?

Damn it Kevin, could you put the
cell phone down buddy, please?

Dwayne.

Guys, this is serious.

Sports can be your pathway to a better life.

What like yours?

No, not like mine. Better.

Like this.

The Global Games.

When I was a kid, you had to be an
elite athlete just to try out for the games.

Now they'll let any loser try. Any loser.

And if that loser happens to win, well.

Now he's not a loser at all, is he?

No. He's a winner.

Isn't that worth something?

Isn't that worth a shot?

Nothing?

No. Alright.

Good talk boys.

Please don't steal my catalytic
converter again on your way out.

Yo, you can't talk to us like that.

You're right Kevin, I'm sorry.

Hey buddy, you dropped
your cordless reciprocating saw.

Kevin!

I really feel like you would have heard that.

Damn it.

It's racism Rob.

You can't tell a bunch of
teenage boys not to steal.

Yes you can Gary.

It's one of the most important
things you should be teaching them.

It's literally in the Bible.

Which you also can't teach them.

You're 86ed from the rec center pal.

Buddy come on, you know I need this job.

Gary?

Sorry Miss Breswell, I'm
normally very punctual.

This is the fourth time Mr. Goodson.

What's that?

This is the fourth time.

It's the obedience crap lady,
I can't hear anything through it.

This is the fourth time.

For crying out loud, I don't
even have a catalytic converter.

You gotta speak up.

This is the fourth time.

See, there you go. You're a beautiful woman.

It's a beautiful day.
Maybe a little concealer next time.

Put her there kiddo.

Hey what's wrong?

You were really late Daddy.

I know baby girl.

What can I say?
Daddy was on the court OK?

On the court, there she is.

What did that big brain of yours
learn at school today?

We learned all about the cold war.

Oh yeah?

Our history teacher led us in a
moment of silence for all the workers

exploited by the capitalistic system.

You should ask your history teacher which
side people ran to when the Berlin Wall fell.

What's the Berlin Wall?

Oh and Mary Margaret showed me her penis.

Some boy showed you his penis.

What? No, not a boy Daddy... gross.
Mary Margaret, she's a girl.

Girls don't have penises Winnie.

Mary Margaret does. Penises are weird.

Can we stop saying penis please?

Where did this happen anyway?

In the bathroom.

Well why are they letting
boys in the girls bathroom?

Why do you keep misgendering Mary Margaret?

Misgendering? What are you talking about?

It's very transphobic of you.

How do you know the word transphobic?

I'm eight years old.

Exactly, you're eight years old.

Okay boomer.

You know what? It's fine.

We'll just have to get
you into a private school.

Some of them have good sports programs.

Private schools reinforce white patriarchal privilege.

Teach you that in public school, didn't they?

No, mommy's boyfriend Chris told me.
He's an ally.

Is he?

We'll see about that.

Hi.

How are you?

You have a good time?

Yeah, Daddy was OK.
Was he late?

Yeah, he was really late.

Ok, ok.

Hey, hey, hey.

We need to talk.

Thank you for picking up Winnie, Robert.

We're married for fifteen years Dharby.
Call me Rob.

Dharby.
And Robert will do just fine.

Coach Rob.

Oh good.

My lover's former lover.

Ok, I got it.

Yep.

Look at us. One big unconventional family.

Lover, I think your transition into divorce

will be smoother if Coach moved in with us.

Absolutely not. Never going to happen.

Coach, now that we're basically co-dads,

I was wondering if you'd like to
help me train for the Nashville runs.

Five thousand dollar prizes.

My body's a sacred temple. I'm all about

physical fitness. Bug based foods,
MRNA vaccines,

equitable and inclusive hiking.

There it is.

My lover says you were a great
coach back in the day.

Honey, why don't you go help
Winnie with her homework.

Light and love, Coach. Light and love.

This is the guy you replaced me with?
Seriously?

I'm not having this conversation.

Yeah, well I don't like the things that
he's teaching Winnie. How about that?

Chris is a good man who cares about
other people and the world around him.

Not just winning some stupid game.

Hey! Basketball is not a stupid
game. And winning matters.

It's the key ingredient in becoming a winner.

Maybe you should try it sometime.

Unbelievable.

I... I...

Can I help you?

Yeah, I used to work here.
They said I could come back anytime.

How long ago was this?

Twenty-five years.

Is this still compact discs forever?

Not for the last twenty-four and a half years.

But it doesn't matter.
You're hired.

Cool. You don't need to
ask me any questions first?

We only have one question at the Doll House.

What's your bra size?

What the...

Boy mate.

Well mate, yes.

Sure thing.

Coach?

Alex?

What a way to make a living.

I just had no idea men could be so handsy.

It really makes you think
about how you treat women.

Thanks babe.

What the heck happened to you, Coach?

That's just it.
Nothing happened to me.

I stayed the same and the world changed.

One day it's all about winning,

the next day they want
you to lead from behind.

Don't be mean to the kids,
don't push them so hard,

don't make fun of the losers.

How are you supposed to win that way?

Man.

What about you?

You know, everyone always told me
I could do anything I wanted.

So, what does any kid who can choose
anything in the world do?

Actor?

Actor.

Always thought you were straight.

I am straight.

Who could doubt it?

Well, either way, turns out white
male's non-exotic sexuality

is the only ethnic group not being
cast by Hollywood these days.

Yeah.

I hear Disney is going to make the new
Snow White a neurodivergent lesbian.

Neurodivergent black lesbian.

I don't understand the world.

Wasn't that long ago we
were champions, winners.

You're the fastest point guard in Tennessee.

No, I'm still pretty fast.

Yeah.

How fast are we talking?

Just going to the end of the alley and back.

Nothing to it.

On your mark, get set.

Coach, this is ridiculous.
I gotta get some sleep. I'm working 9 to 5.

You hear yourself, right?

Buddy, we're talking about $5,000 here.

Think about what we could do with that money.

Think about what we could
not do with that money.

I do miss being a winner.

Yeah, you do.

Knowing who you were, knowing your purpose.

That's what I'm talking about.

The money could be nice.

Damn right it would be.

Fine. Hold my heels.

That a boy.

On your mark, get set.

We are definitely homeschooling.

And time!

Not bad for a girl.

Seriously, buddy. I think with some
training and some excellent coaching,

you could be competitive.

No.

How much?

We're not actually ladies.

I said "How much?"

Damn he's fast.

All right, Coach. You got this.

Just like the old days.
Just get out there and win.

Here we go.

You're late.

Tina made me clean all the fry traps again.

I nearly got grease all over my good wig.

Yeah, we'll lose the wig, would you?
We're in public for crying out loud.

Coach Rob?

Daddy!

Hey!

There's my girl.

Former lover.

Don't call me that.

You came to cheer me on.

Actually, I'm here professionally.

What profession?

You remember Alex, my former student?

Oh, hey Mrs. G.

Oh.

Yay Daddy! You're gonna be a coach!

Yes I am.

I see you.

Okay, big guy. We feel seen.

Thank you. Just gonna go get seen
by the registration lady, huh?

Good luck, pal.

Come. This way.

Thank you.

- I need to register my athlete, please.
- Name?

Alex Cruz.

I'm sorry, sir.
The men's events are all full.

Next!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you talking about?

Uh, you're late and there's nothing
I can do, so next!

That's bullshit.

I will tase a white man.

I've been here the whole time.
Cut me some slack.

I need to help the next athlete.

Help him what? You said it's full.

Are you going to move?

I am not.

Coach, I'm sorry, but I
couldn't find my wipes.

Oh my crap, you're a trans woman.

Oh my crap, I tased an ally.

Oh, oh, here, here, here you go, miss.

This is everything you need for the
women's heptathlon and all other events.

And you know what?

I'm just gonna go ahead
and waive that entry fee.

It is so wonderful what you're doing.

No, I'm not a...

I'm just glad we were
able to get this worked out

without having to get social media involved.

Please! I have a family!
And a queer dog!

Oh, she tased me.

Yep, yep, easy. Let me down.
Let me down. Let me down.

Coach, what the heck was that?

I'm not gonna compete against women.

Are you crazy?

Do you have any idea how much faster

even a man past his prime like you
is than a female athlete?

Past his prime?

High school boys can run faster
than world record female sprinters.

You're gonna get out there and
you're gonna beat these chicks.

I'm a man.

Says who?

That doesn't matter anymore.

Look, my eight-year-old
daughter told me all about it.

This is the way the world is now.

This is wrong.

You wear a dress every frickin' day.

When was the last time you could say
you were wearing the dress of a champion?

When was the last time
you could look in the mirror

and say this is the makeup of a winner?

Ta-ta's of a titans.

You're wearing a thong, aren't you?

Yeah, you're a staying character.

Unbelievable.

This is the hand life has dealt you.

And don't waste it.

Or you can get out there and
be the best lady you can be.

The best lady I can be.

That's the spirit.

Okay, let's go.

There we go.

That's how you do it.

? In these hard streets ?

? They say she should just go home ?

? She'll never make it out here ?

? Her pretty face won't cut it alone ?

? She knows she's got it all ?

? Get it right, keep it
tight like a psycho girl ?

? Burning brighter, watch her fight,
lighten up the world ?

? Keep your Gucci, keep your Coachi,
keep your Prada ?

? She's okay with second
hand and working harder ?

? Go inside every night like a psycho girl ?

? She's a psycho girl, be like a psycho girl ?

Go! Go! Don't look at me.
Run, you son of a bitch!

? Get it right, keep it
tight like a psycho girl ?

? Burning brighter, watch
her fight, lighten up the world ?

? Keep your Gucci, keep
your Coachi, keep your Prada ?

? She's okay with second
hand and working harder ?

? Go inside every night like a psycho girl ?

? She's a psycho girl, be like a psycho girl ?

? She's a psycho girl, be like a psycho girl ?

Call the station. We've got a story.

There's breaking news tonight
from the All-City Heptathlon

where Alex Cruz, a brave
and beautiful trans woman,

has taken gold in the female competition,

winning in every single event by wide margins.

That's right, Drake.

And WIAW's own Gwen Wilde is on the scene

with more from this unprecedented moment.

Thanks, Stacey. Indeed.

History was made today as
Middle Tennessee's own Alex Cruz,

a brave and beautiful former high
school basketball state champion,

absolutely dominated the women's heptathlon,

setting new records in
both javelin and shot putt.

The secret to her success according to Alex?
Her coach.

I want to thank my parents
for always supporting me,

no matter what, and my coach, Rob Gibson.

I've never once been a winner without him.

Gwen, Stacey Zantiago O'Brien here.

There's no question that good coaching
can make a difference,

but isn't there another reason why Alex

might have completely crushed the competition?

I don't know what you're saying, Stacey.

I think Stacey is referring to the
obvious fact that Alex is a...

A what?

Well, I mean, as brave and beautiful as he is.

She. She is brave and beautiful.

Of course.

But she does have certain
advantages over a real woman, right?

Well, Stacey, Drake, all I can say to that is,
how dare you?

Trans women are real women,
and thus have no innate differences

with other women whatsoever.

The only story here for which I
fully intend to win a Pulitzer

is that absolutely nothing out of the
ordinary happened here tonight,

and we should all celebrate the
brave, beautiful woman who did it.

Back to you.

Here's to you, bud.

Probably the least sexy elite female
athlete of all time.

Hold on.

I've been informed that I am in fact
not only brave, but also beautiful.

You know what you are?

You're $500 richer. That's what you are.

Five hundred?

Well, you know, taxes, attorney's fees,
child support.

Well, I cheers at that.

What is that?

Bud Light. I'm sponsored now.

No, buddy. They'll give that shit
to any dude in a dress.

I better roll out. It's Wednesday tomorrow.

The only day with double Ds.

It's a pretty big deal for a Doll House.

Doll House?

What are you going back to
that place for when you got

a corporate sponsorship and
five Benjamins in your bra?

I don't know. I guess I don't
completely hate it there.

A man can't live on $500 for long.

$500 is just the beginning.

When? Why?

Come on. Up. On, on, on.

Let's cut to the chase.
I know you're not a woman.

You don't know how he identifies.

Save it. I'm a journalist. I
literally cannot be shamed.

And I don't care how you identify.

Unless you've cried three times in the same
day from the pain of menstrual cramps,

frustration with your boyfriend for not
understanding the pain of menstrual cramps,

and frustration with yourself for
being so mean to your boyfriend

for not understanding the pain
of menstrual cramps.

You are not a woman.

That's strangely specific.

It's cute that you think so.

But you just did that entire story to what?

To make a name for myself?
To get clicks? To gain power?

What part of "I'm a journalist" do you not understand?

I guess all of it.

Look, what do you know about the
U.S. Opens for the Global Games?

First time in history amateur athletes
can compete to represent the U.S.A.?

Exactly. The diversity and inclusion crowd
decided to democratize the Global Games.

Now anyone has a chance.

Any woman has a chance.

Don't you see?
Men are faster, stronger, meaner.

The entire reason we created women's
sports was to keep you out.

But now...

Soon all the best women will be men.
Cheating, low life, men.

Like you.

You want us to compete as women?

Think of the sponsorships. Think of the fame.

People will hate us.

People will love you.

How do you know?

Because I'm going to tell them to.
That's the deal.

I won't tell the world the truth about you,
and in exchange, I get to tell them the lie.

I get the exclusive.

That's half the money.

Half?

Go home. Think about it. You'll see I'm right.

Not you, Coach. You're going home with me.

You're a winner now.
Every woman wants a winner.

You literally just called
me a cheating low life.

You won.

Now put your tongue down my throat.

Coach?

Alex!

We could play basketball.

It could be like the old days.

We'd have to get the whole team back together.

You think there's a chance?

You know you always get a fair deal on wheels

and three square miles here at Crain Co.

And if you need a ride to the airport,
we can do that too.

Because we have two gently used love wagons,

and one of us is more than happy
to give you the ride of a lifetime.

Since 1987, we've had our own
continuously operated smorgasbord on site

So whether that's wheels, or a meal,

or a ride to the airport, we do it
all for you, Middle Tennessee.

And we sell bail bonds.

All right, ladies. Good job. Listen.

If you want to have dinner later, just
make sure you hit me up.

Just let me know.

Should have gone to med school.

Don't wake Daddy!

Boom!

Tell me the cameras are still rolling.

- Pal!
- Pal!

You have lost your mind.

You've lost your mind.

What did you just say?

You heard me.

Look clean to me, boys.

Coach?

Alex?

It's good to see you boys still love the game.

It means we can get right to it.

Yeah, Coach, what's the deal with that?

You need another catalytic
converter again or something?

Yes, I do, Jake.

But that's not why we're here.

We're here on serious business.
Basketball business.

Lane, get the blinds, please.

You guys are going to love this.

What fresh hell is this?

This, my friends, is the Crain Cave.

Alex, is that a purse?

It's a murse.

It's a purse.

What is this?

My man, this is where the action happens.

What's this one?

My man, this is where the action happens.

In the same room?

Yeah.

Gentlemen, take a seat.
Let's talk basketball.

We're getting the old
state champs back together.

For what?

Just say Alex and I are
working on a new strategy.

Something to get us back
into the game professionally.

Coach, we're old. We're out of practice.

We're in.

We're in, Coach.

What?

Bro, professionals.

Honestly, when's the last
time you felt like someone?

I mean, I kind of always feel like someone.

When was the last time you got laid?

We're in.

Now, you guys got David already, right?

Coach, we have to have the human tower.

No one's heard from David since he
blew that college championship game.

But there have been sightings.

I'll get my hiking boots.

- Hey, Coach, you didn't mention
- the whole...

One thing at a time, buddy.

One thing at a time.

Got it. GPS says we're here.

I don't see anything.

Dammit, I lost the signal.

What the hell was that?

David?

Coach?

What are you guys doing here?

I mean, it's fine.
You're all very safe.

We're not safe.

Sorry, Coach. My life is here.

I'm a man of peace now.

How many badgers have you killed?

All but one.

Man, this jerky's great.

What is this? Is this venison?

Squirrel.

Look, David, I get it, man.

You're fat, you're old, you're slow,

you're very fat.

Like Shaquille O'Neal if he was mediocre and white.

That's it? That's the pitch?

Yeah, Coach, I'm not a
good speech giver. Sorry.

Look, buddy, we need you.

You're the heart of the
team. You're the center.

I said no.

I can't go back. Not after the...

Not after.

Defense!

Defense!

Defense!

Defense!

What was that badger humping?

What was that badger humping?!

I don't know, buddy.

Maybe this is your shot at redemption.

I have been redeemed through badger blood.

Redeemed through basketball.

This whole badger murder
thing is a weird tangent.

You guys should leave.

At least I'm not fat.

Disgustingly fat.

We miss you, pal.

You're not not fat.

What if this isn't about revenge at all?

What if it's just about basketball?

Please let me go.

Shake your mouth, you pervert badger!

Hey, shh.

I'll be back.

Coach!

I'm in.

Nice.

Is that a purse?

Let's play some basketball.

No!

We just need one more
player to round out the squad.

What about Jamal?

No, he's dead.

Down in the middle of the street

with a hole through the top of his head.

The cops said it was almost like
some type of laser from space

and it was all over the place.

Weird. What?

What about that little guy who
was always picking on,

not a bad player?

Moisha.

Revealed he was Masad,
even back in high school.

Well, that's it.

That's everybody.

My man, looking smooth.

Man, you guys weren't kidding.

These Jeremy's Razors are amazing.

And did you know that Jeremy's
now offers a razor

specially designed for women?

And don't forget about Jeremy's shampoo.

And conditioner.

They keep our hair silky and smooth.

Couldn't we just find someone else
from the year before?

No, it has to be somebody from this team,

the championship team.

I knew this was too good to be true.

Hey, what about Towel Boy Felix?

Towel Boy?
Felix?

Guys, we used to shove him in the
locker after we won.

Oh, yeah.

He's terrible.

Real small.

Total loser.
Totally.

I heard he's rich.

He's in.

I'm in.

What's with the cat?

Cindy Clawford?

She was my grandma's cat
and now she's mine.

I love her more than
anything in the whole world.

Bro, I'm allergic to cats.

Ooh.

Cats are stupid.

More of a dog guy.

I can't wait to show you guys around.

Who is this guy?

It's like the Willy Wonka, the towel guy.

Oh, my God.

Dude.

It's the band ones.

Come on.

Towel boy has become the towel man.

What do you do, boy?

You have a new gym in your house?

Oh, yeah.

After I sold my company, I thought,

"I'm going to build the sickest
gym for when my bros come over."

But this is the first time
we've ever come over here.

So it was totally worth it.

Hmm.
It's a drain-up festival.

Bring the kids.

Oh, my goodness.

Nothing's changed.

Feels good to be back
on the court, eh, big guy?

Oh, my God.

Is that our mascot?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Easy, big guy.

That's our old Tiger mascot.

Dude, that's my nurse.

This is a purse, bro.

Hey, bud. Hey.

Dad? Huh?

Not Dad. Come on.

I'll never hurt you.

Huh?

I'll never hurt you.
Always love you.

What are you doing?

You know our group's got serious PTSD issues.

You got PTSD?

That doesn't even make any sense.

You don't make sense.

You're a wicked bastard!

Welcome to Epstein's Island.

You know too much.

Planted.

Whoo!

Hey!

Hey, what the hell's the matter with you?

That is enough.

You have a coach whistle.

That's funny.

I have a rape whistle.

That's not funny.

This is the dream team.

Seriously.

What's up?
I'm Jake and I love poetry.

No one cares. What's up?
I'm Blain and I hate poetry.

Easy, boys.

This is my...
...girlfriend?

I'm a reporter.

And I'm here to start my profile on the team.

Profile?

Why would we need a profile?
We're just getting started.

You haven't told them.

Told us what?

Told us what?

Guys!

It's not that bad.
Really.

Have you lost your mind?

You know the name Crain Co.
still means something in this town.

And we're not gonna besmirch it in this way.

I'm going back to the woods.

I ain't no chick, bro.

I'd cut my dick off for you, Coach.

Just say the word and it's gone.

And I'm not dragging him into it.

I'm not trying to do some stupid thing that you guys do.

You know what you want.
Come on.

Take a knee.

Boys.

No.
Men.

I know I'm asking a lot of you.

Hell, I've always asked a lot of you.

Even when no one else would.

Even when you didn't think you had anything left to give.

You remember where that got us?

I do.

I remember holding that trophy in my hands
with you boys by my side.

And where have you gotten since I stopped asking too much of you?

Jake and Blain running the sleeziest car
lot on the sleeziest side of town.

David, too afraid to even leave the woods.

And so fat.

I've gained three pounds since high school.

You're fat.

And Felix.

I mean, Felix, you did all right.
Nobody saw that coming.

You know what I'm offering you now?

Something nobody's offered you in a long time.

A chance.

A chance at success.

A chance at dignity.

A chance at redemption.

What about me, Coach?

Kind of already ended the speech, buddy.

Screw it.

I'm in.

Fine.

There's my boys.

Me too.

So are we or aren't we cutting our dicks off?

Nobody's cutting their dicks off, buddy.

I totally would though, just for the record.

Dude.

What's the deal with those two?

Heteropaternal super-fucking-dation.

Their half-brother twists.

Same mom, same time, different dads.

Sounds hot.

Daddy!

Hey.

Where's my little athlete?
Oh.

This is Miss Quinn.

Alex, boys.

It's good to see you.

What's up, Mrs. G?

Hey, you.

Hey.

Hello, Robert.

Hello, Dharby.

Get your hands off my boyfriend.

Thanks for bringing Winnie by, huh?

I got a little caught up.

Look at this.

You got the state champs back together.

Yeah.
We got a little something cooking,

if you can believe it.

And a girlfriend.

She's a journalist.
You can't believe anything she says.

No, it's fine.

I mean, why wouldn't you date?

I just... I...

I hope you're finally happy.

Dar.

That's right.

Walk away, bitch.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

That's the mother of my child, OK?

Plus I owe her a mortgage payment.

It's the newest one.
This just came out this year.

I saw a commercial for it.

Lady Ballers.

Man up.

Oh, come on.

That's a hat.

Yes, sir.

Ladies, ladies, you look ridiculous.

Felix, get that bra off your head

and you got to shave your beard.

Girls don't have beards, right?

Lots of girls have beards, Daddy.

My aunt teaches a girl.

Her beard is gray.

Daddy's a little busy, so we're just going

to put those headphones right back.

Your little spawn is right.

Girls can have beards.

It's a great headline.

What else has your teacher told you?

Being sexual is a whole different category,

but really, you'll need a crap ton of drugs

or complicated surgery every seven or eight months

if your body gets more big.

So a guy can become a girl
with no physical changes at all?

They were always a girl.

Unless they decide they're guys again.

In which case, they were always guys.

But what if they, like, go back and forth?

Oh, that's called genderfluid.

So I can be a woman on the court
and a man in the bedroom.

I can't believe it.

Nice.

You mean when you're sleeping?

Yes.

OK.

I think that's enough knowledge for one day.
Thank you, sweetie.

So any questions?

Yeah, Coach, what is a woman?

Guys, it's easy.

Women are just like men, only better.

Just shave your legs, tell each
other how brave you are

for things that require
absolutely no physical courage,

and don't be afraid to cry at work.

Easy peasy.

All right.

I think that's enough, ladies.
Better get some sleep.

Tomorrow, we start winning.

Let's go.

So brave.

History is being made today as,
for the first time ever.

The United States will choose the
athletes they send to the global games

from a competition open to all Americans.

It's nice to know the little guy
has a chance for once, Gwen.

During my two weeks of sensitivity training,

I discovered that I am not
only a raging scoliosexual,

but also one 2,048th pure Dakota Indian.

So I know what it's like
to overcome adversity.

Right, Stacey?

Stacey Santiago-O'Brien is my slave name.

OK.

Stacey, Drake, back to you.

Remember that feeling, boys?
The thrill of the crowd?

Are you crazy?

What?

All right, pack it up.

Pack it up.

Here we go.

That's the end of the men's qualifying round.

Up next, the women.

Who owns this game?

Lady Ballers.

Who was born for this game?

Lady Ballers.

Who loves America?

Lady Ballers.

Who can keep a secret?

Lady Ballers.

Lady Ballers on three.

One, two, three.

Lady Ballers.

It's ladies basketball, boys.

Nobody watches.

You said the thrill of the crowd.

That was rhetorical.

How'd they clear out so fast?

I don't know.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Hey, what's your problem?

Never seen a ladies basketball team before?

Those aren't...

Aren't... What?

Guys, I'm getting paid like $50 to be here.

I don't care.

Hey.

I'm a lesbian.

I'm a lesbian.

All right, ladies.

Keep it clean.
Keep it tucked.

Just throw it.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Back on D. Back on D.

Get out. Get out.

Get out. - Hey, hey.

Lady up.
Lady up.

What are they doing?

I think they're running a set.

They're making me nervous.

Hey, watch out.
Watch out.

Oh my god.

I am so sorry.

Hey, get down the court.

That's garbage.

Technical.

And you shut the f... up,
transphobic mother...

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

This is much.

Yeah.

This is great.
It's like watching men's basketball.

Yes.

There she is.

We're hugging.

We're hugging.

It's weird.

Lady Ballers, forever, baby.

Blain.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Lady Ballers.

Lady Ballers.

Lady Ballers.

Guys, I'm on the team now.

That felt good.

The crowd loved us.

Have you seen the reaction on social?

We're heroes.

I didn't know it was going to feel this good.

I want to stuff myself in a locker.

How does it feel to be winners again, boys?

Amazing.

Incredible.

Amazing.

David, what's your problem?

I don't know, Coach.

It's just some of those girls
were out there beating...

They've worked their entire
lives for this opportunity.

I didn't make the rules, pal.

OK, but aren't we just using our
innate strength and speed

to wail on a bunch of girls in a competition

where we wouldn't stand a
chance against other men?

None.

I mean, Coach, what's that make us?

Winners.

I'll take a course I win for $1,000.

I'm growing.

Coach, how cute is Coach?

It's a daily double.

Oh, no.

Time.

Put a baby in me.

What?

No, you're right.

The last thing I need is
another abortion this year.

You're a monster.

What?

You have any idea what it takes
to be a female field reporter

in the 29th biggest media market?

No.

Whatever.

I just think what we're
doing here isn't right.

No way.

I just got sponsored by Maybelline.

Nike wants me to be in a commercial
about tolerance or some crap.

Nike wants me to be in a commercial
about tolerance or some crap.

I was just invited to the White House
to give a talk on women's rights.

You earned that.

You own it.

Slight girl.

You go, girl.

Welcome to the virtue economy, girls.

And that's just from one game of basketball.

You could win at any sport.

You could win at every sport.

What?
No, no, no.

Focus up.
Focus up.

She's right, Coach.

We could dominate every woman's sport.

Running, swimming.

Soccer.

I said sport, Felix.

Hey, we talked about this.

We could be kings.

Queens.

No, that's not the plan.

We're here to play basketball.

We still have four games to go
before we even qualify.

You can't assume they're all gonna be this easy.

I'm with her.

Holy crap.

They are gonna be this easy.

One small step for dudes,
one giant leap for lesbians.

Day one of being a girl athlete.

I've already eaten a whole
pint of pistachio ice cream,

given up on parallel parking twice,

reread Sense and Sensibility,

and started washing down
benzodiazepines with Ros�.

I love being a girl.

How'd I do, ladies?

My pronouns are I'm strong.

And I guess if I'm really being honest,

I've never completely known myself
or been known until now.

You've all overcome so many obstacles.

I've developed body positivity issues.

She's a fan.

But it still hasn't been easy.

Some people won't even let us
use the women's showers.

No.

Such bigotry.

You know, it's been
especially hard for Felix here,

who was bullied in high school.

It's Sheelix, Coach.

Maybe you can just like not dead
name me for five frickin' seconds.

Okay, thanks.

You know, as my daughter Winnie
has informed me,

one can even be trans-aged now,

which provides Sheelix with a
wonderful opportunity

to relive all the experiences that she
missed out on in school.

Like having my period.

Never happened.

Yes.

Let's go to the package.

What do you say, Coach, to people
at home who suggest your athletes

have unfair natural advantages?

And LeBron doesn't. Tiger doesn't.

We're talking about elite athletes, Quinn.

Of course, they have natural gifts.

What about people who say that women
could never compete in men's sports?

Well, that's a lie.

Caitlyn Jenner won the
men's decathlon in 1976.

My ladies were high school state
champions in boys' basketball.

Some would say they were boys back then.

Well, anyone who would say that...
doesn't understand science.

And cut.

That was fun.

You want to grab some avocado toast
and tie me to the furnace again?

I think the blisters are
starting to heal from last time.

Not here, you idiot.

That was awesome, Ms. Bile.

Who said you could speak to me?

Okay.

You did it, Daddy.

Hey.

Oh, there she is.

Okay.

Daddy's going to talk to
the girls for one minute.

Can you wait for me over there?

Bellas, where's the after party?

No party for me, Coach.

Got to work on my backhand so I can
make the women's tennis team tomorrow.

Yeah.

We're out too, Coach.

Got a couple of Hawketts coming over to
the office for an old-fashioned sleepover.

Oh, yeah.

Y'all know girls don't have sex with
each other at sleepovers, right?

Wait, what?

Look, you told me tonight's...

Get internet name safe.

I didn't make this up.

I just want to give you a phone in your ear.

Why don't you stop putting it away?

Well, that's why Mom hated you.

I didn't forget you.
I love you, too.

Felix.

Huh?

Got a blog, babe.

Day three of being a girl athlete.

I already have two million followers.

Like and subscribe, bitch.

Well, hey, I need you fresh
tomorrow for the game, huh?

Don't stay up all night.

I'm always fresh, girl.

Hey, that was quite a display back
there with the waterworks.

You all right?

I meant every word.

This is the best experience of my life, Coach.

I feel like a brand new woman.

Brand new man?

What?

Oops, where is my head?

I've got to get to the spa for a
mani-pedi before the game tomorrow.

Mwah.

That was weird.

Mommy!

Hi, sweetie.

Hi.

Can you go wait with Chris
in the car for a second?

Mommy needs to talk to Daddy for a minute.

What's up?

You have to stop, Rob.

Stop what?

The Crain Boys, really.

What about them?

They barely even bother to shave their legs.

My former lover, the turf.

Oh, please.

Look, I don't know what to tell you.

My girls say they're girls, so they're girls.

But they don't even believe it.

Except maybe Alex.

That kid isn't well.

No.

You know what I think they need?

A hug.

Half these ideas come from Winnie, you know?

Between your stupid woke school
and your stupid woke boyfriend.

That's different.

How is it different?

Chris, he's big-hearted.

You're taking advantage.

So guys like Chris get
to just make this crap up,

and if I go along with
it, I'm taking advantage?

That's real nice.

You're better than this, Rob.

You're the one who couldn't handle
being married to a loser.

You're the one who told
me to try winning sometime.

I never cared if you won or lost.

I just wanted you to be happy.

You were always so unhappy.

Well, take a good look,
'cause I'm happy, baby.

You know this is wrong.

I'm happy, and my girls are happy.

They're not real girls!

Chris?

No. You know what?

Fine.

I'm the bad guy.

Come on, Winnie.

At least we still have each other.

How much?

Okay.

Alexa, what's your problem?
Get in the game!

Get back!

Come on!

Excuse me.

Are these seats open?

Never mind.

Told you we should have
sprung for the box seats.

What's your problem?

I think the girl broke my nail.

Get off my foot.

You?

Tennis looks so easy.

Blair, what, did you run a
freaking marathon last night?

Let's just say David was wrong about
the girls' sleepover last night, Coach.

Jake?

I should say David was wrong
about the girls sleepover last night, Coach.

Monica from the Hawcats...

Played a little one-on-one with her
last night, shirts and skin style.

Kept me up like half the night.

What?

Monica kept me up half the night.

Which half?

Hey, hey, hey!

Told you not to talk to her.

You must have had her.

Get up.

Not that.

No, no, no.

You're not gonna get me.

Oh, no.

Test test?

All right.

What can I say?

It wasn't a pretty win, but it was a win.

My girls look forward to participating
in the championship game tomorrow.

That's it.

Any questions?

Daddy, can we talk?

Daddy's a little busy
right now, honey. Can we...

No, of course you can, baby. Anytime.

Come on. Sit down, yeah?

I'm sorry you saw Mom and
Dad fighting last night, huh?

That's not for you.

I want to be a boy.

What?

I want to be a winner just like you, Daddy.

What's that have to do with being a boy?

Boys are better at everything.

Oh, honey.

That's just not true.

They're better at basketball.

Okay, yeah, basketball.

And swimming.

Okay.

MMA.

That goes without saying.

And running. And javelin.

Powerlifting. Shot putt.

Hockey. Karate. Football.

Hole vault. Driving. Parking.

Most of the STEM fields.

Rock and roll opening pickle jars.

Okay.

Yeah, boys are better at all of those things.

But those are just things, Winnie.

Things boys made up so we'd have
something to be good at.

Doesn't matter anyway.

'Cause girls can't become boys.

And boys clearly can't become girls.

Listen.

Women are better at all kinds of things.

They can be nurturing and sensitive
and empathetic.

Better at doing lots of things at once

and caring for a lot of people at once.

They're better at communicating
and building community and...

And they civilize men.

It's the only reason we have a civilization.

No women.

No world.

Did Mommy civilize you?

She tried.

I think she's still trying.

Plus, Mommy brought you into this world.

That's a superpower no man will ever have.
Yeah?

Okay.

You go with Mommy.

Daddy's got a few things to figure out.

Ah!

My God, you're weak.

How the hell did you get in here?

You gave me a key.

I absolutely did not give you a key.

You're right. I picked the lock.

What do you want, Gwen?

What do I want?

How about for you to stick to
your end of the deal?

Your merry band of losers almost shit
the bed out there.

Yeah, we won, didn't we?

And what's with all this...
boys and girls are different, honey.

At least you can have babies.
Crap.

What, you bugged the locker room?

What if that had been for a different network?

Idiots!

I'm sorry. I forgot I was mic'd, okay?

I just need you to be a winner, Coach.

Okay?

I know. I'm sorry.

It's this divorce.

I think it's really starting to affect my daughter.

Seriously?

Of course your divorce is affecting
your daughter.

70% of all people in prison come
from broken families.

She's twice as likely to do drugs,
twice as likely to drop out of school,

four times as likely to
have trouble fitting in,

three times as likely to end up in therapy,

twice as likely to commit suicide,

50% more likely to have health problems.

Do you people not even do a
freaking Google search

before you decide to blow up the
planet your kids live on?

Readers.

Look, Winnie's going to be fine.

Just keep fighting with her mom and...

get her into a school journalism program.

She could end up like me.

Oh, God.

Look, I just need you to focus on
what really matters.

Winning.

Winning tomorrow and becoming
the most important news story

in the history of sports.

Okay?

What we're doing to these women,

to the entire concept of women's sports,
is wrong.

Stop it.

You listen to me, Coach.

These are not sexy slaps.

Do you hear me?

Do not get aroused right now.

Not even a little.

I've staked my entire future on this.

These transhumanist tech oligarchs
and nihilist college professors

have already convinced every
self-righteous housewife

with Munchausen by proxy
to sacrifice their kids

on the altar of false virtue.

The least we could do is get rich off it.

You ruin this for me and I'll cut you in ways

that don't lead to orgasm.

I'll cancel you, Robert.

Are we ever even going to have sex?

How much?

It's an amazing day for Middle Tennessee

as 10,000 people are gathered right
here in Music City

for the Women's Championship Basketball Match

in the first ever US Open
for the Global Games.

A big day for sports and
a big day for trans rights.

Which are women's rights?

Which are human rights?

Why do you always get to talk first?

I beg your pardon?

It's just evidence of systemic sexism
and racism, Drake.

You're very white.

Lady Ballers!

Lady Ballers!

Ladies and gentlemen and in-betweens,

from Nashville, Tennessee, the Lady Ballers!

That's my Daddy!

And from Santa Fe, the Skinless Cowgirls!

Why is Gwen Wilde talking to their coach?

Um, what's wrong with his neck?

Furnace burns.

I dated a girl like that once.

The Cowgirls seem to have made
some last-minute substitutions.

Keep talking, big man.

Those aren't the Santa Fe Cowgirls.

Let's just say I made some substitutions.

You can't substitute players
in a qualification match.

Qualifying the players is the entire point.

There's no rule against it.

Yeah, we're pretty much
just making it up as we go.

But they're not real...

They're not what?

She told me there's a sniper here
in the rafters right now.

Help me.

OK.

What's the story there, Coach?

Gentlemen, Alex, I've known you
men since you were boys.

This isn't the first time we've walked into
a championship game as the underdogs?

Remember what happened last time?

We won.

We won.

So ask yourselves this.

What do we have then that we don't have now?

Practice.

Youth.

A black guy on the team?

Heart.
We had heart.

- Heart.
- Heart.

We had love of the game.

We had the desire to win and the
determination to do it.

There wasn't about money then,
sponsorships, fame,

trying to keep the psychojournalists
I've been trying to sleep with

from shooting us all with sniper rifles.

What?

It was about basketball.

Wait, you got tied to a furnace and didn't get laid?

I like to move slow, Blain.

It's called respect.

It was about love of competition then.

Love of your teammates.
Love of America.

And it was about one simple, beautiful truth.

Winners are just losers who win.

There he is.

I said winners are just losers who win.

Winners are just losers who win.

Winners are just losers who win.

Winners are just losers who win.

Winners are just losers...

I'm so sick of you doing that every time.

How was I supposed to know when to stop?

Did you guys practice?

How are you rich?

Yeah.

Come on, man.

Let's play some basketball!

That's the end of the half, folks.

Bro, you know tampons
are for real girls, right?

No.

Now they're for people who bleed.

Where'd you even get those things?

I found them in Alex's purse.

Oh, lordy.

Where does he put them?

Oh, great ball of fire.

Oh.

Oh.

Jake, Blain.

Hey, Monica.

Hey.

There's something I have to tell you both.

Oh.

I'm pregnant.

Oh.

Who's the father?

Both of you.

Heteropaternal superfecundation.

Man.

How did she know any of that this soon?

Shh.

And the sins of the father will be
visited upon the son even

until the third and fourth generations.

Fathers.

What are we going to do, Coach?

Coach?

Coach Gibson, Drake Diamond, WIAW News.

How?

Coach, win or lose, you have clearly

changed the game of
women's basketball forever.

In as much as no matter the outcome tonight,

for the first time ever, the American team

won't include a single real biological woman.

How does it feel to change the world?

All right, that's enough.

Whoa, all right.

Don't push me off my land, white man.

Is literally every journalist a lunatic?

Coach, you all right?

Yeah, whatever.

Let's play some basketball.

Coach, what are we going to do?

Now, boys, I think we've taken this
thing about as far as we're going to take it.

Coach is right.

They're not even real girls.

We're not even real girls.

No, we're not, Jake.

But we're not men either.

Maybe we still can be.

We just have to lose.

You mean we'll never be
going to the global games?

I am.
Already qualified and powerlifting.

I landed a spot on the swim team
and the marathon.

100 meter hurdles.

400 meter hurdles.

I am the fastest female
jockey in the world right now.

That's what I have to brag about.

You're going to forfeit
all of those positions.

Coach, can I...

Coach.

Guys, you don't want your legacy to
be erasing women from women's sports.

It's time to man up.

So what's the plan, Coach?

I think I've got it all figured out.

But I'm going to need you boys to
buy me some time. Can you do that?

Yes, sir.

We can.

Coach, there's a little
red dot on my forehead.

I know.

But I know Gwen.

She's a vindictive little minx, but I
don't think she'd actually hurt anybody.

Oh, look.

A lucky penny.

She's got a gun.

She's got a gun.

What?

Damn it.

What?

Coach.

Yeah.

You what, pal?

I understand why this is wrong.

I mean, Jake and Blain is real women?

Please.

It's a miracle we got away
with it as long as we have.

But I am...

You what, pal?

I am a woman.

I mean, all those years playing basketball,

I never really felt like myself.

Decade in Hollywood, trying
to figure out who I really was,

and then I started working at the Doll House

and this is the real me, Coach.

This is who I am.

Proud of myself for the first time.

My parents are proud of me.

Have your parents ever not been
proud of you, bud?

What do you mean?

Your parents love you, Alex.
That's a good thing.

Parents should love
their kids unconditionally.

They shouldn't be proud
of you unconditionally.

She'll only be proud of you when
you do what's right.

What we've done here, this...
this isn't right.

You're confused. I get that.

We all get confused sometimes.

But if you need help, buddy,
I'm going to help you get it.

But you've got to believe
me when I tell you this.

You are not a woman now.

You're just a lost man in a lost world
with shitty parents and a real shitty coach.

We've all gone along with this lie
instead of just hurting your feelings

and telling you the truth.

How can you be so sure I'm not a woman?

Good talk.

Good talk.

Hmm.

Hims, hers, and sims.

It's your boy, Deuce Johnson, here.

Let's play some basketball!

No, you...

Don't, I have to do this.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have
an announcement to make.

I, Blain Crain, of Lady Ballers' fame,

am not only a woman, which is obvious,

but I'm also a hot lesbian,
a lesbian in love.

Monica, my love, I knew I was gay for you
since the first time I saw you.

Please, come down here.

That's fine, I'll do it from here.

Monica, will you be my lesbian wife?

And I, Jay Crain, of Lady Ballers' fame,

am also a super lesbian.

People say I'm the best
lesbian around right now.

Monica, I love you, you're the one for me.
You're the one for me?

I'm trying to get married, you dick.

I'm getting married.

I am.

Hey, you're just wrong.

No care, fight.

Oh, no she didn't.

No!

How Much?!

That's the biggest dick
I've ever seen on a lady.

Come on, we're here to topple the patriarchy,
not each other.

Wait, the Lady Ballers are
making some substitutions.

Come on, Coach.

What is this?

What?

You never seen a ladies
basketball team before?

What are they doing?

I think they're running a set.

They're making me nervous.

Oh, get on your man, get on your man!

Come on, hustle, hustle.

Proud of yourself?

Proud of the team.

Oh.

Come on now, hustle.

I can still cancel you.

I can cancel all of you.

You can.

You probably should.

I won't.

You gave me a good story.

It pains me to say it,
but you're a winner, Rob.

A reluctant winner, but still a winner.

But I don't ever want to have sex with you.

Aw.

I don't ever want to have sex
with you either, Quinn.

Really?

No, no, I do.

I really, really do.

But I think our time together is set to end.

See you around, Coach.

See you around, Gwen.

All right, ladies, form up, form up.

And that was the heartwarming scene
at today's Global Games final qualifiers.

Just about the cutest thing I have ever seen.

A true testament to the
power of sportsmanship.

Absolutely.

Though ultimately the
little girls were trounced.

Final score, 418 to 6.

Welcome to the grand reopening of the

Crain and Co.
Luxury Used Cars and Youth Sports Center.

Where you can still get a deal on new wheels.

And now you can help kiddos learn
how to dunk and steal, here at...

Crain and Co.

You still sell bail bonds.

You still sell bail bonds.

Plus, kids will have a chance to
figure out who they really are.

From the best coach anyone could help for.

Coach, you want to come say a few words?

Fellas, fellas, fellas.

I look at it all your faces.

Some of you loved me
even when I didn't deserve it.

Some of you slapped me
when I clearly deserved it.

You tased me, precious little provocation.

I'm sorry.

I think I have a restraining
order against you.

All I said it was "How much?"

Look at all these families and children.

How do people live like this?

It's disgusting.

All of you helped me
learn an important lesson.

There's only one win that matters.

Now let's play some basketball, huh?

Hey, how big an investment did you
make in Crain and Co. anyway?

- Oh, I own it outright.
- Makes sense.

- Probably sell it next week.
- Touch�.

Whoa!

You're a good dad, Rob.

Oh, you're his mom, Dharb.

I was thinking.

Why don't the three of us get together
this weekend, have a little picnic?

Oh, yeah?

Why not?

Why not?

Baldy locks. I want to see a rebound.
Come on, run that set again.

Remember, winners are just losers
who do what's right.

Come on now. Hustle, hustle, hustle.

This is his favorite line.

Oh, no.

Here we go.

Oh.

We'll get him next time.

Your dad is so silly.

Another sweet Daddy Walsh adventure
comes to a satisfying conclusion.

What are you talking about?

I don't understand how anything you did
helped to make this situation better.

Don't you?

? You think it's over ?

? But it's just starting ?

? Can't you see ?

? Ain't going nowhere ?

? Until the others finally see ?

? It takes a strong one ?

? To stand and face the coming storm ?

? Oh, it ain't over ?

? No ?

? Don't let me go ?

? It ain't over ?

? It ain't over ?

? It ain't over ?

? It ain't over ?

? It ain't over ?

In fifth grade, Lacey Logan called me pretty.

Not handsome. Pretty.

And that felt good.

Everybody loves a compliment.

In seventh grade, Moishe convinced me
to steal Carly Truitt's underwear

from the girls' locker room.

And I did. And, God, they were so soft.

Silky, you know?

Why don't they make men's underwear
more soft, doc?

I don't know.

And in eighth grade, I had a down bad
for Jessica Montgomery.

And I didn't feel like
a girl at all that year.

You know what I mean?

But in ninth grade, Jessica broke up with me,

and I had a good cry.

Jake called me a sissy.

I don't know why it's so wrong for men to cry.

Who made that one?

? You made it ?

? No one can take it from ya ?

? A legend, history was waiting for ya ?

? You've always had the freedom ?

? Take any commerce and meet 'em ?

? Oh, oh, oh ?

? Oh, oh, oh ?

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