All language subtitles for The Scotts s01e05.eng

This programme contains adult humour

Hello?

Henry had an accident at work.

Welcome home!

It's likely that I'll neverscaffold again.

Well, if you want a studio,you'll get a studio.

But Beyonce didnae recordSingle Ladies

under a spare quilt wi a bigkorma stain on it!

Vondella Scott, will you...

SHE GASPS..marry me...

..again? Oh, Vincent. Yes!

Look at this. Jason, get throughhere.
We're having a party!

Colette! It's finished!

I have been working my backside
affto build a home music

studio for Colette.

I'm nervous to show her.

I feel like I'm about to haunPaul
Hollywood a big, hot muffin.

Keep going, keep going, keep going.
Right, stop, stop. Right.

Ta-da!

It's brilliant. Thanks.

Will we test it oot? See
if wedon't blow the street up?

There's another test we need todae first.

I'm late.

Late for what?

My p...

Do you even know what this is?

Aye, it's one of they
weethermometers my ma puts up

the dug's bum when it's no well.

It's a pregnancy test. For dugs?

For me. Oh.

Oh.

Late late? Aye.

How's it work?Come on and I'll show you.

Eh, this is just for us.

This is a really sacredmoment, in't it? Aye.

URINATING

So, you DAE pee on it.

We're having a baby! Aw!

YES!

Well, this will need to
bethe wean's room, won't it?

You'll need to get aw
that musicshite oot of there.

Henry's been up and down sincethe accident.

By now he thought he'd beclimbing up roofs

like the Scottish Spider-
Man,as he likes to call himself.

AKA Mr Some Shift.

AKA the Grafter's Grafter.

But we've had more good than badrecently.

And then I got offered a job.

So, you know my cousin Morna whoruns the cafe?

What's it called again? Lattesand Tatties.
Lattes and Tatties!

Well, she is opening
a new placeand she's asked me

to run it for her...

..full-time.

Aw, wait a minute noo.

I mean, I've been talking aboutdoing
something with myself for ages

and I think I'd be really goodat this.

Don't you? This is because
you'relistening to my doctors.

You don't think I'll beback working.

I was afraid of this.

Look, I'll get back to work.

Laura, I mean, I'm like a baw hairaway frae being

a total specimen again.

Henry, I'm the one who cleansyour underwear.

You can barely wipe your ownbackside yet.

I've always been a slapdasharse wiper.

Look, it's nice that
Morna thoughtof you, but naw.

Excuse me?

Let me rephrase that. You don't
needto take that job for my benefit.

Henry, I know that you'll get backto your work.
This isn't about you.

It's about me.

This is somethingI would LIKE to do.

You've lost faith in me.

You're not listening.

I am listening and what she'ssaying is,

"You're BLEEP."

Look, I'm ready to get going again.

Right, see they slabs out the front?

I'm going to carry themroond the back

and make a start on the garden.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

HE GRUNTS

HE MOANS

The tail bone noo.

Is the total specimen OK?

Magic.

I know this is really hard foryou, Henry,

but I never thought you'd turn
intosuch an unsupportive...shite.

Oh, she's swearing at me noo.

# We're going to the chapeland
we're going to get married. #

Well, I'm actually barred fromall
the chapels in the Archdiocese

of Glasgow, so we're having itin the garden

and it's actually a vow renewal.

That's right, but it's going
to bethe whole bit. You know,

you've got a beautiful
bride,a beautiful groom, cake.

People were jealous of us before.

Imagine how sickened they're goingto be now.

"Chi-yars!"

Cheers. Cheers.

CELLPHONE TEXT PINGS

Looks like Henry and Vincent are

having a wee heart to heartout there.

I bet they're talking about
loveand marriage and commitment.

Aye, bro, aye.

Gene Wilder comes oot the chocolatefactory and it

looks like he cannae walk and
thenhe does a perfect forward roll.

Aye, but see the way he doesit, right?

Like, he just... Like,
he justfalls, like, nae hauns.

Like, he just tucks his
heid inand woo! He goes. Aye.

Like, I could never dae
it withootputting my hauns doon.

Aye, so you...

Like, you...

Oh, no, but you'd be feart ofsmashing your skull.

I'd be too feart to do that.Go on, dae it.

Och! Dae it! You! All right. Well...

Right, no like that. You look
likeyou're trying to have a gander

up your ain arsehole. Hey. Hey.

Don't swear in front of myda's seat.

"My da's seat." Don't start, you.

Oh, what are we getting noo?

Look, it's important for me
thateverybody I love is here today -

that's why I'm making sure my da
isright doon there, front and centre.

Look, I've got somethingthat's a wee physical

representation of what my da was.

It's his auld chinos.

You are kidding me on, by the way.

There you are. There you are, Da.

Da...

..I'm renewing my vows today

and I'm gonnae make my marriageperfect
this time, Da. Perfect,

just like you and my mammy.

See if I was getting married,
I'd come in on a war horse,

that swan would be a dragon, and me

and my wife would be done
up likea Frank Frazetta painting.

The whole fantasy theme.

The real fantasy is that you'llever have a wife.

I'll have loads of wives.

Aw! There they are,the young team, my tribe!

Hey, have you heard that newBillie
Eilish album, by the way?

It's a belter. Lovely to see you.
Lovely to see you. Hey.

I thought you were bringing
yourwee girlfriend today.

She's too pure to meet this family.Well...

You all right? Well, you know
what?I was feeling good this morning,

but, noo, I don't know. The oldpumps are going,

the sphincters are fluttering,

I'm sweating,my tongue's in knots.

Sounds like Jason trying
to orderfood fae a drive-through.

Aye, well, I think a wee
bit ofnerves is a small price to

pay for a beautiful day like this.

My beautiful wife on my
arm,my beloved family around me

and my da looking doon on mewi pride.

What's that look like?

Vincent. Yes?

I put the champagne on
ice,the drivers are on standby

and I got past that Flamelurker
thatyou were stuck at in Demon's Souls.

Amazing. Eilidh, relax. You're notworking today.
I'm always working.

Jason, could you help me shiftthis table?

Sure can do.That would be my delightful.

"Sure can do.That would be my delightful."

Kill me.

I wasn't expecting to see youhere.
..after aw that carry on.

I'm surprised Vonny didnae
ripyour dolly wee heid aff.

I know I would have.

There you go, dismantled bymy mammy.

That's her part of the family now.

We haven't announced thatI'm pregnant yet.

I'm just waiting on a moment
whereit's gonnae make maximum impact.

Imagine the music started
and wejust ran up the aisle before

Vincent and Vonny and grabbedthe
mic and pure shouted,

"We're pregnant!" Shh!

That would be vile.Eh,
what? That would be amazing.

Colette, you know I've always gotyour back,

but we don't need to stealthe show today.

You, me, the baby, we're our ainwee show.

Let's just keep this for us for now.Our secret.

Whit do I always say about secrets?

A secret is just a slaggingI
havenae used yet. I know.

But please...

..for me.

Come on.

Here, Darren, you better
no bewearing a vest today.

CHUCKLING

Like, I don't remember
it at aw,but apparently a big

chunk of masonry just came rightaff the wall.

Frightening.

Still, I dae love a bit ofmasonry myself.

Tell me this, Jason, are you anycloser
to finding a wee girlfriend?

Well, actually, there was one
lassiewatching my stream last night.

Do you mean she was watchingyou pish?

Right, Mammy. Come on, we're abootto start.
Come on. This way.

This is your seat here...

..right beside my da's chinos.

In the name of Christ,

you want me to sit beside an oldpair of troosers.

Don't think of them astroosers, Mammy.

Think of them as your lovinghusband.
Look at yous.

Right, I better go and getinside my swan.

You have to keep your
eye ona guy who wears chinos.

You cannae ever fully
trustany man who has that much

freedom around the crotch.

BEATBOXING

# George and Bungle were inthe jungle

# Zippy's having fun

# Geoffrey's swimmingwith naked women

# And I can see his bum

# Awoo!

# Awi-um-bum-ba-weh. #

You like that? Aye.

So, is Vincent coming
out of thatswan? Apparently.

I thought it was the bride
thatmakes a big entrance.

Have you met your uncle?

PIANO MUSIC PLAYS

That's us.

Oh, this is bad.

I need to be honest.I
expected the swan to be bigger.

Oh, that's the music started.

You know, I would be verydisappointed
if I thought you

were waiting on permission fromBig
Cellblock H to take that job.

I don't want permission, just
someencouragement. "Go for it.

"Don't be scared.

"You won't accidentally
poisonhundreds of old people."

Aw, she's worried that her
cookingwill poison auld people noo.

Let me give you this advice.

When I auditioned for Menkenand
Slater's Sister Act 2009,

people told me I would never getthe part.

They said, "You, Vonny, a nun?

"The sexiest ensemble dancer
inthe West End playing a nun?

"No chance", they said.

But, Laura, I auditioned

and I was the best nun that
Jesushad ever clapped eyes on.

So, what you're saying is
thatHenry thinks I'm too sexy to

work in a cafe? No, he definitelywon't
be thinking that, no offence.

I'm just saying, "Screw him."

Take the job.

I want Henry to be happy for me,is that so bad?

Showtime!

CELLPHONE BUZZES

CELLPHONE BUZZES

Cracking day, eh?

Ronnie.

Sorry, pal, I'm listening toa porno.

What? I said, "I'm listening toa porno."

This guy's just walked in onhis mother-in-law

while she's having a wee lady chug.

You shouldnae be listening
topornos, Ronnie. What?

Can blind guys not enjoy pornas
well? Not at a vow renewal.

I'm keeping it respectful.

All the pornos have beenwedding themed.

That guy is disgusting.

Good Rangers man, but!
Cannae takethat away from me.

He's missed his cue.

You all right in there, Vincent?

You know, when I visualisedwaiting
for my beautiful wife

by hiding inside a 15 grandfibreglass swan

while my da's chinos watched
me,it sounded perfect.

But the truth is I'm claustrophobic,

it turns oot I'm allergicto fibreglass,

and I have long-standing issues withmy da.

Vincent, whit's wrang?You getting cold feet?

No.

It's my da.

HE SIGHS

Right, talk to me. He
always said tome I was aw talk.

He always said, when it comes rightdoon to it,

I always let everybody doon.

Right, come oot the swan.Is this aw talk?

Am I just going to letVonny doon again?

Henry, was...? Was my da right
whenhe said that aboot me? No.

Why are you and me still worriedabout
what he would think of us?

Do you want me to fling these chinosin the bin?

He's not come out yet.

SHE GASPS

Oh, my God. Vonny, you look amazing.

Do you know, back on our actualwedding
day, I just did not care.

Let it rain, let the birds
shiton my dress, get a divorce

on the honeymoon if need be.

But this, today...this is nice.

I care about this.

I feel happy.

Uncle Vincent's refusing to come outthe swan.

There we go.

Vincent! Get out that swan!

Vonny.

What if this vow patter isjust aw talk?

Like, what if we make our best goof it this time

and it still doesnae work?

I mean, I just...

I just cannae seem to avoidmaking mistakes.

I'm going to make mistakes, too.
I always have. I always will.

I'm not changing.

I'm not going to stick on
a floweryapron and become Laura.

No offence, Laura. None taken.
But I'm serious about this.

And you, I mean...

..look at the state of you.
You're clearly serious...

I am not having a conversation witha bloody swan.

Will you get out that thing beforeI
set it on fire with you inside it?

HE GROANS

Did that swan just shiteoot Vincent?

I told the artist I wanted
tomaterialise fae its breast,

no come crawling in and ootits arse.

Vincent, come here. Look at me.

I'm looking, I'm looking.

Laura, can you do that?It's more your bag.

Vincent...

..I have half-arsed every aspect
ofmy life since we came back up here

and it is time that I put my
heartand soul into something again.

So, let's start with this.

You and me...

..right here.

Aye.

Let's start with me

standing here beside the
mostamazing woman on this planet.

No you, Laura. No offence.No offence.

So, can I go upstairs and we
cantake it from the top? Oh, aye.

Aye.

Yas!

But get this BLEEP swanoot of my gairden!

Hello, yes, I'd like to get a
refundon an ornamental swan, please.

I've got this. Oh, thank you.

Hi, yes.

Yes.

Sorry. Are you OK with that?

Oh.

The vows were beautiful.It was so honest.

"Aw, my da's chinos. Aw!"

Naw. It was nice.

But, wait, who's this grabbingthe mic?

And, personally...I'll.
..take it fae here, thanks.

Don't let her sing!

It's the renegade master herself,

the fourth horsewoman ofthe apocabitch.

Bring on the drama.

Hiya.

Well, I've got a really big
surprisefor everybody the day.

You're wanting a lend of
money todae up your kitchen? No.

It's a proper surprise.

Um...

Um...

Lost for words. There's
a firsttime for everything.

The surprise is...

..you're going to hear me saysomething nice.
.. Oh, Christ. Boo!

..aboot thesesisters-in-laws of mine.

I know we havenae always seeneye to eye,

it's been mair like an eyefor an eye at times,

but I've been thinking about
familya lot these last few days

and, Laura, you've gave mea
beautiful niece and nephew and...

..mair kindness thanI ever acknowledged.

Vonny...

..my fashion game just
widnaebe God level right noo

if I wisnae trying to ootdae
youevery step of the way.

I'll let you have the victory onyour wedding day.

So, let's have a toast.

To Laura and Vonny.

ALL: Laura and Vonny.

Let's get wrecked!

CHEERING

Let's tear the roof aff thisgairden!

That was so nice.

You were right.

Thanks.

Deep down, she's an angel.

I mean, I'm talking about journey
tothe centre of the Earth deep here.

But still...

SNORING

MUSIC: Ain't Leavin'by
Devin Hoffman & Holiday Rogers

You'll never be an auntie.

Aye, I mean, he doesa perfect forward roll,

but he disnae put his hauns down.

It's impossible.

I'm having a shot. Haud my drink.Come on.

Here he goes.

What's he doing? Nae chance.

Oh, you!

Looking at that, it's no wonderyou're in such

a good mood today, Colette.That's my man!

You're right, that is impossible.

Right, ladies, bouquet time!

Go! Gran! Go!

Come on, Erin!My arse, "Come on, Erin."

The bouquet thing totally works.

I caught the bouquet at the lastwedding I went to

before we got married.

Eh, I think it was catching
some ofmy spermatozoa that

brought aboot our weddingand no a bouquet.

Such a romantic.CELLPHONE PINGS

Eilidh, you come forward.Erin, you come forward.

Colette, you get right back.

What is it?

Morna wantsan answer on the cafe job.

OK, are you ready?

Go on, Vonny. Whoa!

Oh, no!

No, no, no, no, no. Don't you
begetting any ideas there, Mammy.

You take it, pal.You're all loved up, in't you?

No, no, no, no! Erin's only beengoing out

with her girlfriend for a few weeks.

She's got big plans for life first.

My da never supported usin anything.

Any plans or dreams you had,
he shotthem doon, laughed at you.

My ma got it worst of aw.

I'm nothing like my da.

You know...

..I can totally picture yourunning a wee cafe.

Really?

Aye.

Your wee apron on, laying
out allthe cakes you've baked

for everybody, chatting away toall the punters.

See, you've just got that way
aboutyou where you just put people

at ease. Well, you're biased.No, I'm not.

I widnae hire you to strip
copperaff an auld roof, but this.

People will love you.

I mean, the old guys will
justfall in love with you.

Of course, any of them try it
on,I'll have to step in, you know?

Do you think you could take
an oldguy in your condition?

An old guy would toe my
baws rightnow, but... Look...

I think you would be great at this

and if it's something
that youreally want to do...

..I absolutely think you should gofor it.

I knew he'd get there.

I've got so many ideas.

And yet no idea how to makea decent cup of tea.

# This is why there is forever

# Just to be together

# Just to be together... #

MUSIC: More, More, Moreby Clooney

Da.

Oh, Da, I don't feel good.

Aw, you'll be aw right, Baby
Yoda,come and sit down. No, Da.

Seriously, I feel terrible.

Oh, Da.

I feel like I'm going to...

Jason! Jason! Ah!

Oh, yes! He did it! Brilliant,
weeman! Did you see that?

Where's Darren? Did you see that?

You did it, you actually
did it!I cannae believe it.

I cannae believe it.What a guy. What a guy.

I got a weird vibe from myda there.

I think it was pride.

That dressing up chest is dynamite.

Look at this.

I just love your sister, boys.

I want yous to know that
I'llnever dae wrang by her.

Aye, all right, you big soppybastard.
Stauners went saft.

Boys...

..I cannae haud it in.

I'm going to be a daddy.

Colette's having a baby.Oh, brilliant. Brilliant.

We're keeping this a secret, though.
I'm going to be an uncle again!

Where's Colette? Where's
Big Mammy?Colette! No, no.

Can you believe this big diddy?

It just came oot, I'm sorry.
Congratulations, you two!

Vonny, I'm absolutely mortified.

I would never have dreamed
ofannouncing that on your big day.

And, Mammy, I would haetelt you first.

Hen, I've been watching you awnight,

flinging your drinksunder the chair.

I'm absolutely made up for you.

Come here. I'm having an actualbaby!

It's going to be the best
wean thisfamily's ever seen.

Cheers, Auntie Colette.

I pure want a drink.

Vonny, another wee baby inthe family.

Oh, you softie.Maybe
yous will be next, eh, Vonny?

Er...and ruin this body?I don't think so.

Hey, come here. Come on.

Get in, come on. Come on. Get in.

Coming for a cuddle, Ronnie?Piss off. OK, then.

What a day, eh? What a day!

I know!

Even the world's maist successfulguys,
my peers, Steve Jobs,

Elon Musk, Stone Cold Steve
Austin,they've aw had their wobbles

and nothing can wobble you
likethe stuff your da says to you.

But I have to accept it -my da's away.

He wisnae there today.

He isnae anywhere.

What have you done?What have you done?

Right, step, step. Is this a
trick?Right, right. Is it a trick?

Bro, your chariot awaits.

Oh!

This is the greatestnight of ma life.

Come on, hubby, the Maldivesare calling.

I hope you've brought your luckyscants, Mr Scott.

Mrs Scott, where we're
going,we don't need scants.

CHEERINGLet's go!

Bye!

Eh, Henry, we've both been
drinkingand this is a two-seater.

Who's driving?

Oh, for f...

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