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- Synced and corrected by actumaxime -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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00:00:01,445 --> 00:00:03,183
I know phone booths are hard to come by,
3
00:00:03,225 --> 00:00:04,659
but that doesn't make it okay for you
4
00:00:04,699 --> 00:00:07,280
to take your pants off
in a Verizon store.
5
00:00:08,754 --> 00:00:11,007
$700 and time served.
6
00:00:11,048 --> 00:00:12,646
Ugh! Comic-Con.
7
00:00:12,686 --> 00:00:16,250
Please say the next case
is a good old public urination.
8
00:00:16,291 --> 00:00:18,052
Does it count as public urination
9
00:00:18,093 --> 00:00:21,001
if the person doing it
thinks they're invisible?
10
00:00:21,042 --> 00:00:23,295
Oh. How embarrassing.
We're wearing the same thing.
11
00:00:23,337 --> 00:00:26,654
Except you went to law school
and I stole mine from Dry Bar!
12
00:00:27,514 --> 00:00:30,545
Heather, so glad you're here!
Take five, everybody.
13
00:00:30,586 --> 00:00:32,388
Get over here, you!
14
00:00:32,429 --> 00:00:33,617
- Oh!
- Oh.
15
00:00:33,658 --> 00:00:35,829
Okay, okay. Put me down.
16
00:00:36,935 --> 00:00:39,639
Everybody, this is Heather.
She's my oldest friend.
17
00:00:39,679 --> 00:00:42,997
We met on the first day
of kindergarten. She was 10.
18
00:00:44,062 --> 00:00:46,151
I've wanted to visit Abby
since she moved here.
19
00:00:46,192 --> 00:00:50,001
I'm dying to try New York's
famous Nashville hot chicken.
20
00:00:50,042 --> 00:00:53,319
Always a pleasure meeting
people from Abby's hometown.
21
00:00:53,360 --> 00:00:55,653
You're all so annoyingly outgoing.
22
00:00:56,760 --> 00:00:58,480
And possibly inbred.
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00:00:59,422 --> 00:01:02,904
Ooh! And check you out,
Miss Big Time Blazer.
24
00:01:02,945 --> 00:01:05,238
I bet you watch the news.
25
00:01:05,279 --> 00:01:08,023
I bet you've been on the news.
26
00:01:08,064 --> 00:01:10,891
I have. I fell in a gorilla pit.
27
00:01:10,932 --> 00:01:14,413
Oh, my God! You were Baby Heather!
28
00:01:14,455 --> 00:01:15,806
You still look the same.
29
00:01:15,847 --> 00:01:19,001
That's because a lot of these
are still baby teeth.
30
00:01:20,270 --> 00:01:21,991
We should get back to work.
I'll get you the keys
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00:01:22,032 --> 00:01:23,589
so you can drop your stuff off
at my place.
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00:01:23,629 --> 00:01:24,940
No need. I'm good.
33
00:01:24,981 --> 00:01:28,831
They let you in anywhere
if you say you smell gas.
34
00:01:28,872 --> 00:01:31,084
That's my friend Heather. [CHUCKLES]
35
00:01:31,125 --> 00:01:35,548
- Isn't she fun?
- Oh, my God. You hate her.
36
00:01:36,901 --> 00:01:39,480
What?! No! We've been friends forever!
37
00:01:39,522 --> 00:01:41,529
She gave me my very first piercing...
38
00:01:41,570 --> 00:01:45,092
which led to my second tetanus shot.
39
00:01:45,133 --> 00:01:48,533
No. You hate her.
40
00:01:48,574 --> 00:01:52,424
The lifeless laugh,
the fake, phony "fun."
41
00:01:52,465 --> 00:01:54,063
That wasn't fake or phony.
42
00:01:54,103 --> 00:01:55,824
- Ah. Ice cream.
- Fun!
43
00:01:55,865 --> 00:01:56,971
- Puppies.
- Fun!
44
00:01:57,012 --> 00:01:59,920
- Heather.
- Fun.
45
00:01:59,961 --> 00:02:02,050
You do hate her!
46
00:02:03,607 --> 00:02:05,081
Fun!
47
00:02:06,269 --> 00:02:08,775
See, when he says it, I believe it.
48
00:02:19,665 --> 00:02:22,994
- This is nonsense.
- I don't know, Dan.
49
00:02:23,035 --> 00:02:26,080
You think you'd be a hot catch
with these lady nerds.
50
00:02:26,122 --> 00:02:28,221
You look like a rich wizard.
51
00:02:29,085 --> 00:02:32,748
What kind of stunted man-child
goes in for this kind of stuff?
52
00:02:36,823 --> 00:02:40,939
One who's seen the world
for what it really is.
53
00:02:42,585 --> 00:02:44,438
Morpheus. From "The Matrix."
54
00:02:44,479 --> 00:02:47,154
Good God. You're one of them.
55
00:02:47,196 --> 00:02:48,472
I mean, that's surprising.
56
00:02:48,512 --> 00:02:51,394
You present as a person who's had sex.
57
00:02:52,217 --> 00:02:54,234
If you don't think
these people are having sex,
58
00:02:54,274 --> 00:02:55,962
you don't know Comic-Con.
59
00:02:56,003 --> 00:02:59,378
For five days, the horniest
indoor kids in the galaxy
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00:02:59,420 --> 00:03:01,807
gathered to dress up and bed down.
61
00:03:02,836 --> 00:03:05,141
And since this is my first Con
since the divorce,
62
00:03:05,182 --> 00:03:09,175
I'm ready to show all the ladies
we're living in a... stimulation.
63
00:03:11,644 --> 00:03:13,208
I wish we were in the Matrix.
64
00:03:13,249 --> 00:03:16,171
Learning kung fu is taking forever.
65
00:03:16,213 --> 00:03:19,012
Oh, God. Oh, my God. Hide me.
It's Julianne.
66
00:03:19,053 --> 00:03:20,246
[HUSHED] It's Julianne!
67
00:03:20,288 --> 00:03:21,605
You know I don't know who that is.
68
00:03:21,645 --> 00:03:23,334
I just started working here.
69
00:03:23,374 --> 00:03:25,103
It's a woman Dan prosecuted
back in the day
70
00:03:25,145 --> 00:03:26,749
and showed up last year for revenge.
71
00:03:26,791 --> 00:03:28,890
But I thwarted her efforts
to destroy my life
72
00:03:28,931 --> 00:03:30,660
when she saw how sad it was.
73
00:03:30,701 --> 00:03:33,994
Hey. You'll find love someday.
I mean, look at me.
74
00:03:34,035 --> 00:03:35,558
I bounced back after my dalliance
75
00:03:35,599 --> 00:03:36,669
with Christopher Meloni.
76
00:03:36,711 --> 00:03:38,027
You dated Christopher Meloni?
77
00:03:38,068 --> 00:03:40,991
Our connection was deeper than that.
78
00:03:41,032 --> 00:03:42,596
He shadowed me for his greatest role.
79
00:03:42,638 --> 00:03:46,013
I assume you're familiar
with "Bailiff: The Musical"?
80
00:03:46,054 --> 00:03:48,358
The nudity was my idea.
81
00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:50,457
Shut up. Shut up. Where did
she go? Where's Julianne?
82
00:03:50,499 --> 00:03:52,104
- Dan Fielding.
- [YELPS]
83
00:03:54,039 --> 00:03:56,344
Well. Hi, Julianne. [CLEARS THROAT]
84
00:03:56,384 --> 00:03:59,842
What brings you here? Hopefully
through a metal detector.
85
00:03:59,884 --> 00:04:02,188
I'm just visiting
the new man in my life.
86
00:04:02,229 --> 00:04:03,835
He's very attentive.
87
00:04:03,875 --> 00:04:05,851
You know, constant check-ins,
wants to know where I'm going,
88
00:04:05,892 --> 00:04:09,638
who I'm seeing... what's in my urine.
89
00:04:09,679 --> 00:04:11,120
So he's your parole officer?
90
00:04:11,161 --> 00:04:13,672
Ah, it's too soon to put a label on it.
91
00:04:13,713 --> 00:04:16,182
Ah. And how good is he
at monitoring your access
92
00:04:16,224 --> 00:04:19,845
to things that might...
what's the word... explode me?
93
00:04:19,887 --> 00:04:23,015
Dan, you have nothing to worry about.
94
00:04:23,056 --> 00:04:24,373
I mean, where is the fun
95
00:04:24,414 --> 00:04:27,295
in ruining a life
that's already in shambles?
96
00:04:27,337 --> 00:04:28,694
You have some nerve.
97
00:04:28,736 --> 00:04:31,823
I'll have you know
this man's life is robust.
98
00:04:31,864 --> 00:04:34,210
He was a judge
in his beloved New Orleans,
99
00:04:34,251 --> 00:04:35,734
and he happens to be best friends
100
00:04:35,774 --> 00:04:37,585
with someone who was the inspiration
101
00:04:37,626 --> 00:04:41,289
for one of Christopher Meloni's
greatest Broadway triumphs!
102
00:04:43,060 --> 00:04:45,199
Well, Dan!
103
00:04:45,241 --> 00:04:47,834
I'm glad to hear you're doing so well.
104
00:04:47,876 --> 00:04:52,279
Now maybe we can have some fun
together after all.
105
00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:54,419
[LAUGHS EVILLY]
106
00:04:55,654 --> 00:04:58,371
You know, she could be
laughing at something else.
107
00:04:58,412 --> 00:05:00,058
Oh. Where are my manners?
108
00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:03,351
Julianne. I'm gonna ruin Dan's life.
109
00:05:06,273 --> 00:05:08,002
- And... selfie!
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
110
00:05:08,044 --> 00:05:10,183
You know, you don't have to
say "selfie" every time.
111
00:05:10,225 --> 00:05:13,023
So what do you two country mice
got planned for the big city?
112
00:05:13,065 --> 00:05:14,834
Who knows? When Heather's around,
113
00:05:14,876 --> 00:05:16,193
it's always an adventure.
114
00:05:16,234 --> 00:05:17,962
One minute, we're getting
cupcakes, the next,
115
00:05:18,004 --> 00:05:19,815
we're at an underground club
called "Oontz."
116
00:05:19,856 --> 00:05:21,832
It's named after the song.
You know the one?
117
00:05:21,873 --> 00:05:23,231
? Oontz, Oontz, Oontz, Oontz ?
118
00:05:23,273 --> 00:05:26,524
Yeah. She knows the song.
She knows the song.
119
00:05:26,565 --> 00:05:28,294
You went to an underground club?
120
00:05:28,335 --> 00:05:30,064
You ask them to turn down the music
121
00:05:30,105 --> 00:05:33,068
and crank up the lights at Outback.
122
00:05:33,109 --> 00:05:35,743
No one could hear
my Crocodile Dundee impression.
123
00:05:35,785 --> 00:05:37,596
Aww! Do it!
124
00:05:37,637 --> 00:05:39,366
[AS MICK DUNDEE] That's not a knife!
125
00:05:39,407 --> 00:05:41,135
Isn't that bad?
126
00:05:42,206 --> 00:05:44,510
[NORMAL VOICE] See?
That's why Heather's the best.
127
00:05:44,552 --> 00:05:46,446
She tells it like it is
and really pushes me
128
00:05:46,486 --> 00:05:47,927
out of my comfort zone.
129
00:05:47,968 --> 00:05:49,779
I love that about her.
130
00:05:50,808 --> 00:05:54,348
Then you are gonna love
what I have planned for tonight.
131
00:05:54,389 --> 00:05:57,558
I'm gonna take you
on a midnight helicopter tour
132
00:05:57,599 --> 00:05:59,123
of Manhattan.
133
00:05:59,163 --> 00:06:03,938
And I got a deal because the
helicopter doesn't have lights!
134
00:06:03,979 --> 00:06:05,626
I'll text the "pilot."
135
00:06:05,666 --> 00:06:07,066
Why are you using air quotes?
136
00:06:07,107 --> 00:06:09,041
Cause he's in the air.
137
00:06:12,088 --> 00:06:13,775
Why are you putting up with this person
138
00:06:13,817 --> 00:06:15,175
you have nothing in common with?
139
00:06:15,216 --> 00:06:17,727
You call 30 years of friendship
nothing in common?
140
00:06:17,768 --> 00:06:19,373
You know, if it wasn't for Heather,
141
00:06:19,414 --> 00:06:21,678
I never would have tried
Wild Cherry Pepsi.
142
00:06:21,719 --> 00:06:23,119
And thanks to those Pepsi points,
143
00:06:23,159 --> 00:06:25,300
I got to meet Ray Charles.
144
00:06:25,341 --> 00:06:27,110
Okay. Well, have fun.
145
00:06:27,152 --> 00:06:28,675
It's a good thing you two are so close,
146
00:06:28,716 --> 00:06:30,774
since you'll be sharing an urn
when they can't figure out
147
00:06:30,815 --> 00:06:32,254
how to separate your ashes.
148
00:06:35,474 --> 00:06:37,457
So, how was your
helicopter trip with Heather?
149
00:06:37,490 --> 00:06:40,037
Had its moments!!
150
00:06:40,079 --> 00:06:41,874
Nothing makes you appreciate the ground
151
00:06:41,916 --> 00:06:44,380
like plummeting towards it!!
152
00:06:44,421 --> 00:06:46,843
You know you're not on
the helicopter anymore, right?
153
00:06:46,885 --> 00:06:50,601
In a lot of ways, I'll always be on it.
154
00:06:50,643 --> 00:06:53,525
But all in all, it was fun.
155
00:06:53,566 --> 00:06:55,737
There it is again.
That fake, phony "fun."
156
00:06:55,779 --> 00:06:57,408
The fakest, phoniest "fun" yet.
157
00:06:57,449 --> 00:07:00,205
Okay! You're right!
I admit it! I don't like her!
158
00:07:02,502 --> 00:07:04,882
This friendship should
have ended a long time ago.
159
00:07:04,924 --> 00:07:06,845
I guess now I have to go tell someone
160
00:07:06,886 --> 00:07:08,515
that I've known for three decades,
161
00:07:08,557 --> 00:07:11,689
"Well, oops.
Turns out you've always sucked."
162
00:07:11,731 --> 00:07:13,860
Wait. You're...
You're just gonna tell her?
163
00:07:13,901 --> 00:07:17,367
Like, with your mouth? That's
sick, you sicko! Just ghost her.
164
00:07:17,409 --> 00:07:19,079
And just never talk to her again?
165
00:07:19,121 --> 00:07:20,876
Wait. Are people doing this
all the time?
166
00:07:20,917 --> 00:07:22,378
I don't know. Ask 'em.
167
00:07:22,420 --> 00:07:25,134
If they don't respond,
then, yeah, they're doing it.
168
00:07:26,304 --> 00:07:28,433
- Hey, "Scabs"!
- Heh-heh.
169
00:07:28,475 --> 00:07:31,064
Look at you,
dusting off the old nicknames.
170
00:07:31,105 --> 00:07:33,904
She had eczema. She wore
a turtleneck all summer.
171
00:07:33,945 --> 00:07:38,330
Then I came up with the name
"Scabs," and everyone laughed.
172
00:07:38,371 --> 00:07:40,250
[CHUCKLES]
So, uh, you think you're gonna
173
00:07:40,292 --> 00:07:43,257
leave first thing tomorrow to
get a jump on the traffic or...?
174
00:07:43,299 --> 00:07:46,388
Actually... Excuse me.
175
00:07:46,430 --> 00:07:49,354
There's something I needed
to talk to you about.
176
00:07:49,395 --> 00:07:51,441
Last night, when you were clinging to me
177
00:07:51,483 --> 00:07:55,116
in that helicopter,
I realized something.
178
00:07:55,157 --> 00:07:56,995
I miss this.
179
00:07:57,037 --> 00:08:00,753
My boyfriend, Ronald, doesn't get me.
180
00:08:00,795 --> 00:08:04,219
He says I dream too big
and snore too wet.
181
00:08:05,556 --> 00:08:10,775
So I'm breaking up with him
and moving in with you! Yay!
182
00:08:10,817 --> 00:08:12,946
Yee-hee-hee!
183
00:08:12,988 --> 00:08:15,368
[STRAINED] I don't know what to say.
184
00:08:16,454 --> 00:08:20,379
Because it's hard to say
all the curse words at once?
185
00:08:20,421 --> 00:08:22,718
Ooh! Batman! I'm gonna go talk to him.
186
00:08:22,759 --> 00:08:25,557
I heard he's rich and a big ol' freak.
187
00:08:27,060 --> 00:08:28,521
So, it says here you were charged
188
00:08:28,563 --> 00:08:31,612
with sneaking into Comic-Con
without a ticket.
189
00:08:32,990 --> 00:08:36,581
- Not me. Him.
- Back here.
190
00:08:38,210 --> 00:08:40,255
You guys must have a close relationship.
191
00:08:40,297 --> 00:08:42,469
- What's your secret?
- The important thing
192
00:08:42,511 --> 00:08:44,890
is knowing what you're getting into.
193
00:08:44,932 --> 00:08:46,728
You said it, brother.
194
00:08:46,770 --> 00:08:49,066
15 Comic-Cons ago,
I agreed to this costume.
195
00:08:49,107 --> 00:08:53,367
Haven't looked back. Or forward.
It's best to just look down.
196
00:08:54,285 --> 00:08:56,290
I have to say...
it's nice to see two friends
197
00:08:56,332 --> 00:08:58,169
that are totally in sync.
198
00:08:58,211 --> 00:09:00,006
But, still, one of you is trespassing.
199
00:09:00,048 --> 00:09:04,432
- So, next time, cover your ass.
- [CELLPHONE DINGS]
200
00:09:06,186 --> 00:09:09,318
No! My sitter for Comic-Con just bailed!
201
00:09:10,989 --> 00:09:13,076
Gurgs...
202
00:09:13,118 --> 00:09:15,623
is there any way you'd babysit?
203
00:09:15,665 --> 00:09:18,337
[LAUGHS] You can't afford me.
204
00:09:19,841 --> 00:09:22,179
Why not just bring the girls
to Comic-Con? They'll love it.
205
00:09:22,221 --> 00:09:23,473
Of course they will. It's...
206
00:09:23,515 --> 00:09:25,144
It's all their fantasies come to life.
207
00:09:25,185 --> 00:09:29,111
But I'm trying to make
my fantasies come to life.
208
00:09:29,153 --> 00:09:32,243
Okay, everyone. Stay cool.
209
00:09:32,285 --> 00:09:35,416
Not you. That ship has sailed.
210
00:09:35,458 --> 00:09:38,381
Julianne is back. Catwoman. Second row.
211
00:09:40,552 --> 00:09:43,308
Hm. She looks different with
a bunch of cats on her.
212
00:09:44,143 --> 00:09:46,858
Not her. Her!
213
00:09:46,900 --> 00:09:51,826
Ooh! That is a quality straitjacket.
214
00:09:51,868 --> 00:09:54,583
Ah! The prisons never let me keep mine.
215
00:09:59,426 --> 00:10:00,930
Julianne is not gonna
make a move in here.
216
00:10:00,972 --> 00:10:02,725
This place is crawling
with police officers
217
00:10:02,767 --> 00:10:06,566
and a... bunch of other things
she should be scared of.
218
00:10:06,609 --> 00:10:08,738
So as long as you never
leave this room, you're safe.
219
00:10:08,780 --> 00:10:11,160
Oh, right. There's only
one problem with that.
220
00:10:11,202 --> 00:10:12,872
I hate this room.
221
00:10:14,626 --> 00:10:16,547
I have a better idea.
222
00:10:16,589 --> 00:10:19,386
This may be some of my finest work.
223
00:10:21,933 --> 00:10:24,648
Something about this feels familiar.
224
00:10:30,076 --> 00:10:31,412
I'm not gonna lie, Dan.
225
00:10:31,454 --> 00:10:33,584
This might be the best
you've ever looked.
226
00:10:33,626 --> 00:10:35,421
You know, from the right angle.
227
00:10:35,463 --> 00:10:37,843
I want to kick my own ass.
228
00:10:37,885 --> 00:10:39,639
Now to really sell it, remember...
229
00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:43,021
Klingons are a prideful,
ruthless, humorless species.
230
00:10:43,063 --> 00:10:46,351
So you might want to...
not change a thing.
231
00:10:52,459 --> 00:10:54,494
I don't want to scare you
out of moving here,
232
00:10:54,533 --> 00:10:57,700
but I just want you to know what
you're getting yourself into.
233
00:10:57,742 --> 00:10:59,992
Like, did you know
that crime is really up?!
234
00:11:00,034 --> 00:11:02,784
Good thing your new roomie
knows parkour.
235
00:11:02,826 --> 00:11:04,784
If we get attacked
in a construction site,
236
00:11:04,826 --> 00:11:07,827
things are gonna look real cool
real fast.
237
00:11:07,869 --> 00:11:10,869
Also, it's really expensive here.
238
00:11:10,911 --> 00:11:13,244
That's where my money-saving
tips come in.
239
00:11:13,286 --> 00:11:16,037
You are throwing away good money
on toothpaste.
240
00:11:16,078 --> 00:11:17,953
Anything foamy is fine!
241
00:11:18,828 --> 00:11:22,787
Oh, my God. I just realized.
You don't want me to move here.
242
00:11:22,829 --> 00:11:25,954
- Ohh...
- You need me to move here.
243
00:11:26,997 --> 00:11:29,830
Wow. What a roller-coaster
ride your brain must be.
244
00:11:29,872 --> 00:11:31,581
- [CELLPHONE BUZZES]
- Oop. Sorry.
245
00:11:31,623 --> 00:11:34,623
I got to take this.
It's my ex-boyfriend's mom.
246
00:11:34,664 --> 00:11:36,123
Connie, you were wrong.
247
00:11:36,165 --> 00:11:39,165
I just talked to Scabs,
and she loves the idea!
248
00:11:42,374 --> 00:11:45,249
Hey! Whatcha doin'?
249
00:11:45,291 --> 00:11:46,833
How long have you been out there?
250
00:11:46,875 --> 00:11:49,292
Oh, definitely longer
than you wish I was.
251
00:11:49,334 --> 00:11:52,042
You're not gonna scare her off.
You're too nice.
252
00:11:52,083 --> 00:11:53,709
I saw you reconstruct a spider web.
253
00:11:53,751 --> 00:11:56,001
How would you like it
if you came home from work
254
00:11:56,043 --> 00:11:58,710
and your house was destroyed?
255
00:11:58,752 --> 00:12:00,251
Just leave this to me.
256
00:12:00,293 --> 00:12:02,668
Who's ready to get wild
in the Windy City?
257
00:12:02,710 --> 00:12:04,085
That's Chicago.
258
00:12:04,127 --> 00:12:07,503
Ugh. Climate change.
Ever heard of it? Egh.
259
00:12:07,544 --> 00:12:11,128
Ah, wish we could, but Scabs
and I are stuck at work.
260
00:12:11,170 --> 00:12:15,004
But if you really want to get
wild, go where the locals go.
261
00:12:15,046 --> 00:12:16,795
- Port Authority bus terminal.
- Ooh!
262
00:12:16,837 --> 00:12:18,338
It's like a rave mixed
with a prison riot,
263
00:12:18,379 --> 00:12:21,630
a fight club,
and surprisingly good pretzels.
264
00:12:21,671 --> 00:12:24,422
I'm in. See ya later, Super Mario.
265
00:12:24,464 --> 00:12:27,881
Another fun nickname
I gave her in high school.
266
00:12:27,923 --> 00:12:30,673
- "Super Mario" Overalls?
- No.
267
00:12:30,715 --> 00:12:31,799
- Red hat?
- No.
268
00:12:31,840 --> 00:12:33,799
- Mustache?
- Yep.
269
00:12:35,424 --> 00:12:37,800
What's your plan for human?
Meat or pets?
270
00:12:37,841 --> 00:12:41,966
- Hold it right there!
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
271
00:12:42,008 --> 00:12:43,509
No!
272
00:12:44,342 --> 00:12:47,509
Um, hello. For the very first time.
273
00:12:48,551 --> 00:12:51,301
Sorry. Y... You go ahead.
I'm just waiting for this guy
274
00:12:51,343 --> 00:12:56,594
- that I'm gonna psychologically destroy.
- Ah.
275
00:12:56,636 --> 00:12:58,260
Just out of curiosity...
276
00:13:00,011 --> 00:13:01,844
What do you plan on doing
277
00:13:01,886 --> 00:13:04,470
to this unfortunate,
but I'm going to assume
278
00:13:04,512 --> 00:13:06,845
devastatingly handsome fellow?
279
00:13:06,887 --> 00:13:09,346
Oh, I like to stick to the classics.
280
00:13:09,387 --> 00:13:11,221
Arson. Identity theft.
281
00:13:11,262 --> 00:13:14,180
Framing him for a
multimillion-dollar art heist.
282
00:13:14,222 --> 00:13:16,013
- [GROWLS]
- Ah, when the real heist
283
00:13:16,055 --> 00:13:18,680
is what those guys get paid
for their art, right?
284
00:13:18,722 --> 00:13:20,139
I mean, congratulations.
285
00:13:20,181 --> 00:13:22,306
You took a lovely piece
of marble for a statue
286
00:13:22,348 --> 00:13:24,473
that could have been a great countertop.
287
00:13:24,515 --> 00:13:27,099
Yeah. Funny. I hate art, too.
288
00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:30,349
But I never say anything
because it makes me sound crazy.
289
00:13:31,724 --> 00:13:36,642
- I don't think you're crazy. Art is dumb.
- Julianne.
290
00:13:36,683 --> 00:13:39,184
Oh. They call me... Maltz.
291
00:13:40,683 --> 00:13:42,768
She had no idea who I was.
292
00:13:42,810 --> 00:13:44,893
Our eyes met. Our hands touched.
293
00:13:44,935 --> 00:13:47,935
Our blood stayed inside our bodies.
294
00:13:47,976 --> 00:13:49,727
You know, Julianne is quite lovely
295
00:13:49,769 --> 00:13:51,936
when she's not hell-bent on... revenge.
296
00:13:51,977 --> 00:13:54,520
Just be careful, Dan.
I don't want you to end up
297
00:13:54,561 --> 00:13:56,978
head over heels...
in the trunk of her Buick.
298
00:13:57,020 --> 00:13:59,396
No. That's just the thing.
299
00:13:59,437 --> 00:14:02,312
For one glorious moment,
the room faded away
300
00:14:02,354 --> 00:14:05,438
and we were just a Klingon
and a Catwoman,
301
00:14:05,479 --> 00:14:07,896
as God intended.
302
00:14:07,938 --> 00:14:10,147
Well, my Comic-Con is screwed.
303
00:14:10,189 --> 00:14:12,189
I couldn't find a sitter,
so now I have to bring my kids
304
00:14:12,231 --> 00:14:15,898
because I care about
their safety, like an idiot.
305
00:14:15,940 --> 00:14:17,606
Well, at least you still get to go.
306
00:14:17,648 --> 00:14:19,190
Yeah. Wearing this.
307
00:14:22,357 --> 00:14:23,440
I'm no longer Morpheus,
308
00:14:23,482 --> 00:14:25,691
keeper of all the secrets of the Matrix.
309
00:14:25,732 --> 00:14:29,109
I'm Rocky, the worst "PAW Patrol" dog...
310
00:14:30,525 --> 00:14:33,359
... whose power is garbage truck.
311
00:14:34,317 --> 00:14:36,901
Well, some of us have costumes
that women think are cool,
312
00:14:36,943 --> 00:14:40,360
so could we...
Woop-woop woop-woop woop woop.
313
00:14:40,402 --> 00:14:43,111
Haven't heard from Heather.
That's a good thing, right?
314
00:14:43,152 --> 00:14:45,528
Maybe she caught a bus
to Nashville to try
315
00:14:45,569 --> 00:14:47,778
their famous Philly cheesesteak?
316
00:14:48,736 --> 00:14:51,445
Or... Wyatt's gonna say this.
317
00:14:51,487 --> 00:14:53,696
The People vs. Heather Baskets.
318
00:14:57,196 --> 00:15:00,947
Oh, noice! Abby's my judge!
319
00:15:00,988 --> 00:15:03,780
Two bailiffs? That means
she's Double Dangerous,
320
00:15:03,822 --> 00:15:05,093
which was Christopher Meloni's big
321
00:15:05,094 --> 00:15:06,364
number in "Bailiff: The Musical."
322
00:15:06,365 --> 00:15:07,971
But I'm telling y'all stuff
y'all already know.
323
00:15:11,801 --> 00:15:13,408
The defendant is charged
with illegal gambling
324
00:15:13,508 --> 00:15:17,958
and inciting a riot that led
to a bus being lit on fire.
325
00:15:17,999 --> 00:15:21,921
A riot and a bus fire?
You were gone for an hour.
326
00:15:23,089 --> 00:15:26,761
Your Honor, this wide-eyed
innocent was lured to New York
327
00:15:26,803 --> 00:15:28,137
by a so-called friend
328
00:15:28,179 --> 00:15:31,643
who then abandoned her
in her time of need.
329
00:15:32,644 --> 00:15:34,272
Do you even know
what you're talking about?
330
00:15:34,313 --> 00:15:36,315
Eh, kind of winging it.
331
00:15:36,357 --> 00:15:38,151
Can we just stick to the facts, please?
332
00:15:38,193 --> 00:15:40,780
Miss Baskets started a sidewalk casino,
333
00:15:40,822 --> 00:15:44,076
but it was with the best of intentions.
334
00:15:44,118 --> 00:15:46,413
A bus headed to Atlantic City
broke down.
335
00:15:46,454 --> 00:15:48,833
They wanted to gamble. I took some bets.
336
00:15:48,874 --> 00:15:53,046
Then they wanted to get paid.
Who would have seen that coming?
337
00:15:54,048 --> 00:15:56,343
I don't know. Anyone?!
338
00:15:56,385 --> 00:15:59,139
Hold on. Are you mad at me, Scabs?
339
00:15:59,180 --> 00:16:00,432
It's Judge Scab...
340
00:16:00,473 --> 00:16:05,355
- Judge Stone... when you're in my court.
- Okay, Dad!
341
00:16:05,397 --> 00:16:08,359
Uh, P.S... none of this
is even my fault.
342
00:16:08,401 --> 00:16:11,947
So you did nothing to cause
an 80-year-old woman
343
00:16:11,989 --> 00:16:13,742
to throw a lit cigar at a bus?
344
00:16:13,783 --> 00:16:16,162
For the record, the cigar
was thrown into a garbage can,
345
00:16:16,203 --> 00:16:18,080
and then the garbage can
was thrown at the bus.
346
00:16:18,122 --> 00:16:21,210
- Yeah, Abby.
- Not on your side.
347
00:16:21,252 --> 00:16:23,212
This is just like that time
in third grade
348
00:16:23,254 --> 00:16:24,923
when you got all mad at me
'cause I told you
349
00:16:24,965 --> 00:16:28,261
the only way to win at dodgeball
was to catch it with your mouth.
350
00:16:28,303 --> 00:16:31,307
I got athlete's mouth because of you!
351
00:16:32,559 --> 00:16:34,436
And a lot has changed since then.
352
00:16:34,478 --> 00:16:36,773
For instance, I'm a judge
and you're a criminal.
353
00:16:36,814 --> 00:16:38,400
Alleged!
354
00:16:38,442 --> 00:16:41,404
Although that seems
beside the point now.
355
00:16:41,446 --> 00:16:43,783
I know that what I did
wasn't technically legal,
356
00:16:43,824 --> 00:16:46,828
but I was pushing boundaries...
like I do with you.
357
00:16:46,870 --> 00:16:49,415
It's why we're friends,
and you love that about me.
358
00:16:49,457 --> 00:16:52,628
I don�t love that about you.
I don't even like you!
359
00:16:55,173 --> 00:16:57,259
But I'm Baby Heather!
360
00:16:58,636 --> 00:17:02,432
Your Honor, in light of
this contentious discourse,
361
00:17:02,474 --> 00:17:06,730
I'm wondering if maybe you would
consider recusing yourself.
362
00:17:06,772 --> 00:17:08,149
Oh, ya think?!
363
00:17:10,987 --> 00:17:13,699
So, looks like the trial
is gonna be tomorrow.
364
00:17:13,740 --> 00:17:15,284
Don't worry. You're in front
of Judge Mulaney.
365
00:17:15,325 --> 00:17:16,661
He's a horrible misogynist,
366
00:17:16,703 --> 00:17:19,623
but he believes women
can't commit crimes.
367
00:17:19,665 --> 00:17:21,458
Do judges always come down here
368
00:17:21,500 --> 00:17:24,587
to personally deliver news
to alleged criminals?
369
00:17:24,629 --> 00:17:26,966
Or were you coming to say you're sorry?
370
00:17:27,008 --> 00:17:30,305
I am not, but I do wish
the truth came out differently.
371
00:17:30,346 --> 00:17:32,473
Not in an open court
and not at the volume
372
00:17:32,515 --> 00:17:34,893
I reserve for yelling, "Encore!"
at the Rockefeller Center
373
00:17:34,935 --> 00:17:36,479
Christmas tree lighting.
374
00:17:36,521 --> 00:17:39,608
I've been thinking. City
living might not be for me.
375
00:17:39,650 --> 00:17:41,987
You would not believe
what I just paid this guy
376
00:17:42,029 --> 00:17:44,699
for dru-u-u-um sticks.
377
00:17:46,869 --> 00:17:49,581
- I don't see any drumsticks.
- I did them all.
378
00:17:50,999 --> 00:17:54,128
Heather, you're gonna have
a lot of fun in your life,
379
00:17:54,170 --> 00:17:56,882
and I can't wait to not be involved.
380
00:17:56,923 --> 00:17:58,426
Well, B.T. Dubs...
381
00:17:58,468 --> 00:18:00,846
you really let me have it
in front of your work friends.
382
00:18:00,888 --> 00:18:04,392
Guess old Heather got you out
of your comfort zone after all.
383
00:18:04,434 --> 00:18:06,771
You're welcome, Scabs.
384
00:18:06,812 --> 00:18:09,024
Well, let's get you back in there.
385
00:18:09,066 --> 00:18:10,484
Alright.
386
00:18:11,778 --> 00:18:14,197
So, uh, how about
we put on a sorting hat
387
00:18:14,238 --> 00:18:17,577
and see what house we're
going back to... yours or mine.
388
00:18:19,537 --> 00:18:22,249
That would have worked
if I was dressed as Morpheus!
389
00:18:26,589 --> 00:18:30,094
Okay, Wyatt. I'm coming to Comic-Con.
390
00:18:30,135 --> 00:18:32,430
Trinity! Nice!
391
00:18:32,472 --> 00:18:34,475
I'll take your kids
to the "PAW Patrol" panel
392
00:18:34,517 --> 00:18:36,268
while Morpheus looks for "The One"...
393
00:18:36,310 --> 00:18:39,482
who will have sex with him. [LAUGHS]
394
00:18:39,524 --> 00:18:41,526
But you got to make it back
before Chris Meloni
395
00:18:41,567 --> 00:18:42,778
shows up to sign posters for
396
00:18:42,820 --> 00:18:44,571
"Bailiff: The Musical: The Movie."
397
00:18:44,613 --> 00:18:47,325
He and I have unfinished business.
398
00:18:48,703 --> 00:18:50,580
You know, when I came here tonight,
399
00:18:50,622 --> 00:18:54,127
the last thing I expected
was to find someone like you.
400
00:18:54,168 --> 00:18:56,130
Oh, I'd love to see you again.
401
00:18:56,171 --> 00:18:57,631
Oh, I'd like that, too.
402
00:18:57,673 --> 00:18:59,342
Maybe at a masquerade ball.
403
00:18:59,384 --> 00:19:01,762
Or a year-round Halloween store.
404
00:19:01,804 --> 00:19:05,726
Or... Ooh! Immediately after
your cataract surgery.
405
00:19:05,767 --> 00:19:09,105
Or maybe we don't wait.
You know, let's...
406
00:19:09,147 --> 00:19:11,942
let's just get out of
these ridiculous costumes
407
00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:13,278
and get into a bed.
408
00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:14,988
I want to see all of you.
409
00:19:15,030 --> 00:19:17,993
Oh, yes. Julianne. I want to...
I want to show you all of me.
410
00:19:18,035 --> 00:19:21,998
But there's something
y... you should know.
411
00:19:22,040 --> 00:19:23,667
I'm hideous.
412
00:19:25,127 --> 00:19:26,921
I don't care about looks.
413
00:19:26,963 --> 00:19:30,634
I mean, take the guy that I came
here to destroy, for example.
414
00:19:30,676 --> 00:19:33,055
You know, he's handsome. Great dresser.
415
00:19:33,096 --> 00:19:36,184
Your build and shoe size.
416
00:19:36,225 --> 00:19:37,895
Same hands.
417
00:19:39,313 --> 00:19:41,358
And when he's scared,
418
00:19:41,399 --> 00:19:43,527
he lets out this signature little yelp.
419
00:19:43,569 --> 00:19:44,904
- [YELPS]
- It's you!
420
00:19:44,945 --> 00:19:47,115
Yeah. Sorry. Wait, wait. Please.
421
00:19:47,157 --> 00:19:48,493
I didn't mean to trick you!
422
00:19:48,534 --> 00:19:50,495
I just didn't want you to murder me!
423
00:19:50,536 --> 00:19:53,624
Then we started talking, and I
didn't want that to end either.
424
00:19:53,665 --> 00:19:55,669
So I just kept going,
and now you probably
425
00:19:55,710 --> 00:19:57,838
want to revenge me
even more than you did before.
426
00:19:57,880 --> 00:20:01,176
So whatever it is,
please just do it quick!
427
00:20:01,218 --> 00:20:02,845
[GRUNTS]
428
00:20:07,059 --> 00:20:08,687
Am I dead?
429
00:20:09,854 --> 00:20:13,777
I have feelings that
I... I can't explain.
430
00:20:13,819 --> 00:20:16,572
I... I don't want revenge anymore.
431
00:20:16,614 --> 00:20:18,574
I don't want to play cat-and-mouse
432
00:20:18,617 --> 00:20:20,661
with detectives at the end of their rope
433
00:20:20,703 --> 00:20:23,081
or cut my parole officer's hair
while he's asleep
434
00:20:23,123 --> 00:20:26,502
so that he steadily goes bald
and never knows why.
435
00:20:28,255 --> 00:20:31,718
I only want... Dan.
436
00:20:31,759 --> 00:20:33,971
I don't know what to say.
437
00:20:34,012 --> 00:20:37,726
T... There are no words in Klingon
for what I'm feeling.
438
00:20:37,767 --> 00:20:40,438
I assume. I did no research.
439
00:20:40,479 --> 00:20:43,191
But I need to take it slow.
How about dinner next week?
440
00:20:43,233 --> 00:20:44,736
Oh, next week is bad.
441
00:20:44,777 --> 00:20:48,157
- Um, how about four to six months?
- What?
442
00:20:48,198 --> 00:20:51,244
Ugh! This guy is obsessed with me.
443
00:20:51,286 --> 00:20:54,123
So, I burned an improv theater
to the ground.
444
00:20:54,165 --> 00:20:57,210
You know, any one of you
would have done the same thing!
445
00:20:58,629 --> 00:21:00,549
Wait for me, Dan!
446
00:21:00,591 --> 00:21:02,509
And I'm not asking.
447
00:21:04,721 --> 00:21:06,891
- What just happened?
- Forget it, Maltz.
448
00:21:06,932 --> 00:21:08,477
It's Comic-Con.
449
00:21:09,394 --> 00:21:14,693
[ECHOING] C-o-n-n-n-n-n-n-n!
450
00:21:15,901 --> 00:21:20,903
- Synced and corrected by actumaxime -
- www.addic7ed.com -
451
00:21:20,953 --> 00:21:25,503
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