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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,960
HE SNARLS
2
00:00:01,960 --> 00:00:02,960
Ah!
3
00:00:02,960 --> 00:00:05,320
MOANS WITH PLEASURE
4
00:00:09,640 --> 00:00:13,320
Abs? Abs!
5
00:00:13,320 --> 00:00:14,960
Abs!
6
00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:17,160
Amrita.
7
00:00:22,160 --> 00:00:24,480
Cab to your place, yeah?
8
00:00:24,480 --> 00:00:25,960
OK?
Yeah.
9
00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:30,640
Right, erm...
10
00:00:30,640 --> 00:00:32,960
HE MOANS
11
00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:35,960
What have I done? What have I done?
12
00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:37,960
I can't control it any more!
13
00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:39,960
The thirst!
14
00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:43,960
NHS blood bags, my own cousin.
15
00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:45,960
Who's next?
16
00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:50,320
You? You, or my... or my own mum?
17
00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:51,960
No.
18
00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:53,960
I'm a vampire.
19
00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:57,960
Ya Allah, I'm a fucking vampire,
what do I do, Amrita?
20
00:00:57,960 --> 00:01:00,960
Abs, Abs, listen to me,
you're gonna be OK.
21
00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:05,800
You just need to hide out
for a bit, yeah?
22
00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:08,960
I was gonna tell you.
23
00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:12,960
But I've been offered
this placement in Australia.
24
00:01:12,960 --> 00:01:14,960
Look, I didn't know
if I was gonna take it,
25
00:01:14,960 --> 00:01:16,960
but after tonight...
26
00:01:16,960 --> 00:01:18,960
why don't you come with me?
27
00:01:18,960 --> 00:01:20,960
What are you talking about?
28
00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:21,960
Australia.
29
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You and me.
30
00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:29,640
What about the... sunshine
31
00:01:29,640 --> 00:01:32,160
and the casual racism and the...
32
00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:33,960
Terrible food! Yeah.
33
00:01:35,960 --> 00:01:37,960
All things that will be
a hell of a lot easier...
34
00:01:39,960 --> 00:01:41,160
...if we face them together.
35
00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:55,960
BOLLYWOOD MUSIC
36
00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:02,640
Arrey wah, lovers running away
from a shaadi.
37
00:02:02,640 --> 00:02:04,960
No!
Yes.
38
00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:07,640
SHE CHUCKLES
Come on.
39
00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:37,960
Allahu Akbar.
40
00:02:51,640 --> 00:02:53,160
I sent Shafi to look for you.
41
00:02:53,160 --> 00:02:55,960
And he found me.
42
00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:56,960
And Kathy?
43
00:02:57,960 --> 00:02:59,960
Your wife?
44
00:03:01,480 --> 00:03:02,960
Gone.
45
00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:05,960
We were never really together.
46
00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:07,960
SHE GASPS
47
00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:09,960
Shukar Alhamdulillah.
48
00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:23,960
Ya Allah!
49
00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:28,960
I hurt Shafi, Mum.
50
00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:30,960
What do you mean you hurt him?
51
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:32,960
He was bleeding everywhere.
How?
52
00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:36,960
I... bit him.
53
00:03:36,960 --> 00:03:38,960
Did he taste good?
SHE CHUCKLES
54
00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:40,960
I'm a monster, Mum.
55
00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:43,960
You're not a monster, Abdulla.
56
00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:46,960
You may not be the best Muslim,
but you're still my son.
57
00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:50,960
You don't know what I've become,
58
00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:52,960
or the things I've done.
59
00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:56,960
I'm dangerous.
60
00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:59,640
Stop it, Abdulla.
You're frightening me.
61
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:01,960
There are people after me.
What people?
62
00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:03,960
Scary people.
What are you talking about?
63
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:05,960
And they'll hurt you too, OK?
64
00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:07,960
I have to go away, Mum.
There's no other way.
65
00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:09,960
No, no, no, no,
you're not doing this to me.
66
00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:12,160
There's no other way, Mum.
No, you're not leaving me.
67
00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:14,960
There's no other way.
No, first Rizwan, and then you!
68
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:16,160
No, you will not leave me!
69
00:04:16,160 --> 00:04:17,960
No, look, I love you.
No!
70
00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:22,960
I love you so much, I really do,
but I really have to go, OK?
71
00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:24,960
It's the only way to keep you safe.
72
00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:26,960
Please, Abdulla, where you gonna go?
73
00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:28,960
Where you gonna go, OK?
74
00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:30,960
Australia.
75
00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:34,800
T-T-Tomorrow.
SHE GASPS
76
00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:36,960
I'm so sorry, Mum, OK?
77
00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:38,960
I'm sorry for everything.
Abdulla, please!
78
00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:40,960
I'm really sorry.
Abdulla, no, wait!
79
00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:42,480
Slow down, Bushra Auntie.
80
00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:43,960
What's going on?
81
00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:45,960
Who's going to Australia tomorrow?
82
00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:48,960
Abdulla?
Australia? That's sick!
83
00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:50,480
Them hench kangaroos will do him!
84
00:04:50,480 --> 00:04:52,960
I'll call you back, Auntie,
I promise.
85
00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:55,320
I came cos I thought you said
he was dying! What happened?
86
00:04:55,320 --> 00:04:57,960
Er... Well, Shafi didn't want us
to tell you, but...
87
00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:01,160
Abdulla sucked on your fiance's neck
like it was a Capri Sun.
88
00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:02,960
SLURPS AND LAUGHS
89
00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:05,960
Shafi, is this true?
90
00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:07,960
Are you happy now, boys, yeah?
91
00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:10,320
You pushed Abdulla
into living life by your rules
92
00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:11,960
and look what happened.
93
00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:13,800
Don't you get it, baby?
94
00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:18,640
Go on, big man ting, tell her.
Abdulla is a...
95
00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:20,960
I'm a...
96
00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:22,960
Vampire.
MEN SQUEAL
97
00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:24,960
Oh, my days,
how'd you guys get in here?
98
00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:25,960
You called for us.
99
00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:27,960
999 said it would be
a seven-hour wait.
100
00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:28,960
You lot were quick!
101
00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:30,960
Do you want us here or not?
102
00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:31,960
Yo!
103
00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:33,960
Argh, argh!
104
00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:35,960
Still bleeding, my dear.
105
00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:37,960
Yeah!
For a few hours now, come on.
106
00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:39,960
He did try to lick it earlier,
I'm not gonna lie, bro.
107
00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:41,960
You was moving crazy.
I couldn't help it, man!
108
00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:44,960
I can feel it already. The thirst.
109
00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:45,960
See what I mean?
110
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:47,960
He's gonna bite us!
Get off me, man!
111
00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:51,960
That's rather curious,
as you're certainly not a vampire.
112
00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:53,000
How are you so sure?
113
00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:54,960
A single bite
only has a small chance
114
00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:56,960
of transmitting vampirovirus.
115
00:05:56,960 --> 00:05:58,960
There wouldn't be any bleeding
if you were.
116
00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:01,960
Can we not encourage
this nonsense, please?
117
00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:04,960
But we would like to know a little
about the one who did this to you.
118
00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:07,960
Abdulla, I believe his name was?
119
00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:09,960
Whoa, how did you know that, huh?
120
00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:11,960
What, this some kind of
Prevent scheme you running, or what?
121
00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:13,960
Nah, you know what,
if my stupid little cousin
122
00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:15,960
just wants to get on a plane
and fuck off to Australia
123
00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:17,960
first thing tomorrow,
without telling me...
124
00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:19,960
Yeah, true, bro!
...he's got another ting coming.
125
00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:21,960
He's catching a flight, is he?
126
00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:22,960
Yeah, not if I can help it.
127
00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:25,800
Wait, you're not gonna take him in?
Come on!
128
00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:29,960
He'll be fine, as long as he stops
all that... licking.
129
00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:31,960
Dead paramedics!
So we're sure, yeah?
130
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:35,960
Boys, listen in.
131
00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:39,320
We gotta kill Abs. Yeah, yeah.
Man's ready for anyting. Come on.
132
00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:40,960
What do you mean kill? Like, dead?
133
00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:42,960
If we can get to the airport
before he does tomorrow,
134
00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:44,960
we can make sure
he never gets on that plane.
135
00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:47,960
You know man has bare links
at Heathrow as well. That's true.
136
00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:49,960
Shafi,
you can't be serious right now?
137
00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:52,960
Baby girl, I love you,
138
00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:54,960
but this community's more important
than anything.
139
00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:57,960
Right, if we leave him alive,
who knows who he'll bite next?
140
00:06:57,960 --> 00:06:58,960
Nobody! He's not a vampire!
141
00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:01,960
You... You just need to tell him
there's a way back, yeah?
142
00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:03,960
You need to forgive him.
143
00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:08,320
Baby, you cannot be a Muslim
and a vampire, OK?
144
00:07:08,320 --> 00:07:10,000
I won't let you do this.
I just... I can't.
145
00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:12,960
Baby girl... Yo, yo, yo,
do you want me to stop her, bro?
146
00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:14,960
Nah, it's fine.
Just let her go, man.
147
00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:19,480
There's nobody stopping
Shafi the vampire slayer.
148
00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:22,960
Come on! My guy! What a dialogue.
Yeah, man.
149
00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:24,320
Come on, that was big.
150
00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:36,960
Boo!
151
00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:38,960
Hi!
152
00:08:41,640 --> 00:08:44,960
You know, I fancied you
since the first day of...
153
00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:51,960
Took you long enough
to say it, though, didn't it?
154
00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:54,960
I had to wait for a white boy phase
to be well and truly over.
155
00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:56,960
Oh, it's happened again!
Yeah.
156
00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:58,960
THEY CHUCKLE
157
00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:01,960
Can't you try the clear sun cream?
158
00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:03,960
That's my passport,
and there's my ticket.
159
00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:07,960
Please just step aside, sir.
What's going on?
160
00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:09,960
Oh, this happens all the time,
flying while Muslim.
161
00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:11,640
I'll check us in, all right?
162
00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:12,960
See you at the gate.
See you.
163
00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:18,960
I tried my best, you know?
164
00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:22,960
I stunted his dating life
by sending him to a boys' school.
165
00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:24,960
I gave him a fresh bowl cut
every year
166
00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:26,960
so he was never at risk
of being popular.
167
00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:28,960
I put aloo gobi
in his sandwiches so...
168
00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:31,160
Shafi's gonna kill him
if we don't get to him first.
169
00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:34,160
Kill him? Why?
Cos of their little...
170
00:09:34,160 --> 00:09:35,960
We need to find Kathy.
171
00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:37,960
She's the one who started
all this, right?
172
00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:39,960
Surely she knows what's going on.
173
00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:02,960
Before we start, I should tell you
I had a pint for breakfast,
174
00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:04,320
a bacon sarnie for lunch
175
00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:07,960
and I don't give two shits
about Palestine.
176
00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:09,480
HE CHUCKLES
177
00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:14,960
Shit, that normally works.
178
00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:17,960
You aren't particularly vulnerable
gingers, are you?
179
00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:19,960
No.
180
00:10:20,960 --> 00:10:22,960
No, OK.
181
00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:25,960
Reason for traveling?
182
00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:27,960
Oh, me and my girlfriend
are moving to Australia.
183
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:31,960
So you're an immigrant?
We prefer the term ex-pat, actually.
184
00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:34,000
Do you have extreme views
about our community?
185
00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:35,960
Extreme views?
186
00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:37,960
I've not been to the mosque
in months.
187
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:39,960
Are your loyalties divided?
188
00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:42,000
I cried when England won the Euros.
189
00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:44,480
Is this an attempt
to access benefits?
190
00:10:44,480 --> 00:10:45,960
Benefits? No, I'm a doctor!
191
00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:48,960
Are you infiltrating our coven
to bring it down from the inside?
192
00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:50,960
Coven?
HISS
193
00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:52,960
Haye Allah!
194
00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:55,960
Argh! Oh!
195
00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:58,640
We're terribly sorry, Dr Khan.
196
00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:01,960
But if we let everyone
into the vampiric brotherhood,
197
00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:05,480
well, being a vampire
wouldn't mean very much at all.
198
00:11:05,480 --> 00:11:06,960
Let me go!
199
00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:09,960
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
200
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:13,160
Forget the sensitivity training?
We were just finishing up.
201
00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:17,960
See ya!
202
00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:28,960
Oh, yes!
203
00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:32,960
Oh! Oh, Rish!
KNOCK AT DOOR
204
00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:37,800
Yes! Oh! Ah!
205
00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:38,960
Aaaah!
206
00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:43,160
I think you should get that.
KNOCKING CONTINUES
207
00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:44,960
SHE SIGHS
Kath?
208
00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:47,000
We're not finished yet!
209
00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:48,960
Finishing's not the point
of tantric.
210
00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:51,160
Just get the door!
Ugh.
211
00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:59,000
Oh. It's Abdulla's mum
and the sweet-smelling lady.
212
00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:00,960
Come to join in?
213
00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:02,320
Oh, I... er...
214
00:12:02,320 --> 00:12:04,960
It's Abdulla! We need your help.
215
00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:06,160
Something's going down at Heathrow.
216
00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:07,960
It's not my problem any more.
217
00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:10,480
Please, Kathy, he's all I've got.
218
00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:12,960
I wish I could help, Mrs Khan,
219
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:15,960
but, er...
I've got chakras to realign.
220
00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:17,960
Please, Kathy, Kathy!
221
00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:19,800
Kathy, please, open the door.
222
00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:22,960
Who was that?
Oh, it's... it's nothing, really.
223
00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:26,960
It's, erm... just the...
the Muslim kid, you know?
224
00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:28,960
He's...
225
00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:31,320
got himself into a little conflict
at the airport.
226
00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:32,960
Typical, really.
227
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:34,960
So you're just gonna leave him?
228
00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:36,160
You know the coven run that place?
229
00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:39,960
Well, I didn't know
we'd be having so much fun.
230
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:41,960
Oh, Kath! What have I been trying
to teach you?
231
00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:44,960
I didn't realise THIS was teaching.
232
00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:48,320
Wellness, karma, vegetarianism,
it's all meaningless
233
00:12:48,320 --> 00:12:50,960
if you're just gonna do exactly
what you did to me back in the '90s.
234
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:52,960
That's not the same!
There's nothing I can do for him.
235
00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:54,000
You're my progeny.
236
00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:55,960
If they kill him,
they'll kill you, too!
237
00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:59,000
Yeah, maybe I just need
to accept that.
238
00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:01,640
I've been around long enough.
239
00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:04,480
And surely it's too late to s...
240
00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:06,960
It's never too late
to spread a little love, Kath.
241
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:08,320
In this life or the next.
242
00:13:08,320 --> 00:13:11,960
We're immortal, you fuck.
We don't get a next life!
243
00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:12,960
SHE GASPS
244
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:16,160
All the more reason
to make this one count, then, eh?
245
00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:21,960
Unless...
246
00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:26,960
Yeah.
247
00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:33,960
Amrita, we need to get on the plane.
What's going on?
248
00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:34,960
The coven are here!
249
00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:36,960
Sun cream, shit!
250
00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:38,960
I don't get it, what's wrong?
251
00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:40,960
Look, you need to go on without me.
Abs, I can't.
252
00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:41,960
Trust me, Amrita. Abs...
253
00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:43,960
Go!
No, Abs!
254
00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:50,960
Whoa!
255
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:51,960
Shafi?
256
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:55,160
Sun's out, guns in, huh?
Can't out-muscle me in the daylight.
257
00:13:55,160 --> 00:13:57,800
Oh, God, you're one of them now too,
aren't you?
258
00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:00,960
No. Argh!
Ugh.
259
00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:03,960
Immune system's too strong
for that vampire shit!
260
00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:05,960
What are you doing here, then?
261
00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:09,960
I came to apologise, fam.
262
00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:12,960
Might be a vampire,
but you're still a Muslim. Uh-huh.
263
00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:15,320
And that makes you my brother. OK.
264
00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:17,960
No matter what...
Yeah, that's great... great, Shafi.
265
00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:19,480
We need to...
Ah!
266
00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:23,800
Oh, shit!
267
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:27,960
Come on, bruv.
268
00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:31,960
Look, we can hide in here.
Come, come, come, come, come.
269
00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:33,960
Ah, no, what if I burn up?
270
00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:36,960
You know, like in the movies,
when a vampire enters a church?
271
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:40,960
Abs, you are a Muslim vampire, OK?
If our religion is true,
272
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:42,960
the only place you're burning up
is in an actual mosque.
273
00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:44,960
Are you sure
we can't go someplace else?
274
00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:47,960
I need you to take
this leap of faith with me, yeah?
275
00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:50,960
You have to step through,
for all Muslims everywhere.
276
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:55,960
Come on, bruv. I'm right here.
277
00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:00,160
Bismillah.
278
00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:08,960
Ah.
Allahu Akbar!
279
00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:11,480
Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar!
280
00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:15,480
I was right!
You can't scream that in an airport!
281
00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:17,960
You really did think
I was gonna burn up, didn't you?
282
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:19,480
Not for a second, brother.
283
00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:20,960
But it wouldn't have mattered anyway.
284
00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:22,960
Get him, boys!
What?
285
00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:24,960
Come on, come here.
286
00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:26,960
You bastard,
what the hell are you doing?
287
00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:27,960
Sorry, cuz.
It's the only way, innit!
288
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:29,960
I trusted you, Shafi!
289
00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:31,320
Get off!
Take this, vampire!
290
00:15:31,320 --> 00:15:33,960
What the fuck
would you bring a cross for, bruv?
291
00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:34,960
We're Muslims.
292
00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:36,960
My nan brought back
this Zamzam water back from Mecca.
293
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:39,960
Yeah, bang it, bang it, bang it.
Bang that, bang that.
294
00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:42,000
I'm pretty sure that's just Evian,
you prick.
295
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:44,960
Why the fuck didn't we bring
the stakes for, brev?
296
00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:45,960
Cos you stuck it all
on the barbecue.
297
00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:48,960
No, I mean...
Oh, mashallah.
298
00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:50,960
Typical Shafi,
hasn't even done his homework
299
00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:51,960
before hunting vampires.
300
00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:53,960
Nah, man, shut up, I got this.
301
00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:58,800
We're gonna have to strip him, boys.
302
00:15:58,800 --> 00:15:59,960
Huh?
303
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:02,960
Strip him down, brev!
304
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:06,960
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
305
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:07,960
Erm, I'll go...
306
00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:09,960
No, Auntie, we don't have time.
307
00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:11,960
Let's go straight up here, yeah?
OK. OK.
308
00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:15,960
HE CHUCKLES
Come on!
309
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:20,640
Maajid? Is that you?
310
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:23,960
Er... No, no, sorry.
311
00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:25,960
Hey!
Wait!
312
00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:28,960
Where is he?!
Where's... Where's who?
313
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:30,960
I-I-I don't...
My flight's about to leave!
314
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:31,960
Tell me where he is,
315
00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:34,960
or I'll tell your mum what you
really put in your shisha pipe.
316
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:35,960
Eh?
Oh!
317
00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:37,960
No, no, not me, Aunt...
318
00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:38,960
Hey!
319
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:42,960
Internet says you gotta...
320
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:46,000
you gotta chop off his head
and burn the body.
321
00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:47,960
Muslims don't burn bodies, brev.
322
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:49,960
Border Force! Hand him over!
323
00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:51,960
Oh, wait, you man
are border security now?
324
00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:54,480
We're whoever we need to be
to clear up any...
325
00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:56,960
impurities in the bloodline.
326
00:16:56,960 --> 00:16:58,160
Now, please, stand aside.
327
00:16:58,160 --> 00:17:00,960
I'd rather die than hand over
a brother to the Home Office!
328
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:05,960
Hands off my boy!
329
00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:07,000
Mum, no!
330
00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:08,960
Shafi, they were too strong for me,
331
00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:10,640
but I... I've got snacks.
I've got Boost.
332
00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:13,800
Auntie Bushra?
She knows all our mums!
333
00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:17,960
Get away from him, you bitch... es.
334
00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:19,960
Let go of me.
335
00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:21,960
Let go of him! Now!
Auntie Bushy, stay back!
336
00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:23,960
Mum, please!
HISSING
337
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:25,960
Don't you realise who we are?!
338
00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:28,960
This is His Majesty's Vampire Coven!
339
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:33,960
Yeah, yeah, well, a real Muslim
never deserts one of their own.
340
00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:36,320
Didn't you want to kill me
literally a minute ago?
341
00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:37,960
I'm busy.
342
00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:39,960
COUGHING
343
00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:40,960
In use!
344
00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:47,960
Let him go!
Auntie, please, please!
345
00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:48,960
ALL SHOUTING
346
00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:51,960
Unhand him! Unhand him now!
347
00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:53,000
No, please!
348
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:55,960
Stop!
349
00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:57,960
Everyone, please, stop!
350
00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:02,960
Look, maybe these guys
are right, OK?
351
00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:05,960
Maybe there was never meant to be
a Muslim vampire.
352
00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:09,960
I mean,
I've never been the best Muslim,
353
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:13,800
and clearly I'm a terrible vampire.
354
00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:18,640
Mum.
355
00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:20,960
Amrita.
356
00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:23,640
Even you, Shafi.
357
00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:27,960
I-I-I know you want
what's best for me,
358
00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:31,960
but, look, maybe there really is
no other way.
359
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:38,160
I don't want anyone
dying for my sake,
360
00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:41,960
so, please, let me go.
361
00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:43,960
Abs, stop, man!
You can't...
362
00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:47,480
I-I-I love you, Mum.
But you have to let me go.
363
00:18:47,480 --> 00:18:49,960
No, Abdulla, you can't do this!
Please...
364
00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:51,960
Mum, Shafi?
Come on!
365
00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:55,960
Abdulla!
Do your worst.
366
00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:57,960
Abs, man!
Why is he doing this?
367
00:18:57,960 --> 00:19:00,000
MURMURS PRAYER
368
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:03,960
Hold it right there!
369
00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:04,960
Fucking hell.
370
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:08,800
Kathy and the Hindu vampire?
371
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:12,640
You just had to get involved,
didn't you?
372
00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:14,960
Yeah, well, anything to fuck with
the Bullingdon coven.
373
00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:16,960
You can't kill us, Charlie boy.
374
00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:18,960
Passport-holding vampires, we are!
375
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:20,960
You're no vampires.
376
00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:23,960
Just a low class piece of scum
and a Paki...
377
00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:25,960
HISS
378
00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:28,960
How many times
do I have to tell you? I'm Indian.
379
00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:30,960
He looks familiar.
380
00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:33,960
You need to trust me now,
Mr Abdulla.
381
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:37,960
Remember what you're doing, Rish?
382
00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:40,800
Yeah, I think so.
Let's go.
383
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:45,960
What's your name, son?
Abdulla. Abdulla Khan.
384
00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:48,960
Right, then. On your knees.
385
00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:56,000
Blood of my blood, I summon thee.
386
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:58,960
Abdulla Khan, thou art my progeny.
387
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:00,960
Urgh!
388
00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:01,960
Ugh!
389
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:07,960
Blood of my blood.
Blood of my blood.
390
00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:13,000
Blood of my blood!
391
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:14,960
Blood of my blood.
392
00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:18,480
Blood of my blood!
393
00:20:18,480 --> 00:20:19,960
Blood of my blood!
394
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:22,960
Namaste, you posh twats.
395
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:24,960
You can't kill him now!
396
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:26,800
THEY HISS
397
00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:27,960
Oh, my God.
398
00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:30,960
Rizwan?
399
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:34,960
Rizwan?
400
00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:36,960
My father?
401
00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:39,800
No, no, son. The term is maker.
402
00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:41,960
Rizwan?
403
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:42,960
Rishi?
404
00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:47,960
Oh, it is you!
405
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:53,160
You look so young!
406
00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:58,000
Oh, Bushra!
Oh, my gosh, you look so...
407
00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:01,960
...old.
408
00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:06,800
So I'm half-Hindu now, too?
409
00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:09,960
Haye Allah!
410
00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:15,000
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