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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,960
SHAFI GROWLS
Whoa! It's me.
2
00:00:02,960 --> 00:00:05,480
Abs.
This is my...
3
00:00:05,480 --> 00:00:06,960
SHE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ...girlfriend.
4
00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:08,800
Oh!
Kathy.
5
00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:10,960
Ain't no boyfriend-girlfriend things
in Islam, bro.
6
00:00:10,960 --> 00:00:13,640
That's your fiancee. Oh.
7
00:00:13,640 --> 00:00:15,960
So, er...
So, when's the nikah gonna be?
8
00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:17,960
Hey, my dad, he's got a sick deal
on a venue, you know?
9
00:00:17,960 --> 00:00:19,960
That venue's a room
above a chicken shop, bruv.
10
00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:21,000
Hang on, Shafi.
11
00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:23,960
Ain't she that lady that's been
hanging round the mosque?
12
00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:24,960
Erm... yeah.
13
00:00:24,960 --> 00:00:29,800
I was just, er, looking
for single, sexy Muslim boys.
14
00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:31,960
So you ended up with a brother
that never goes mosque?
15
00:00:31,960 --> 00:00:33,960
We'd love to stay and chat, right?
16
00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:34,960
And...
But there's a wedding to plan.
17
00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:36,960
Yeah.
So we're gonna, er...
18
00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:38,320
THEY CHUCKLE
19
00:00:38,320 --> 00:00:41,960
Abs, no dipping your kebab
before marriage, you get me?
20
00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:43,960
I think I've got that, brother.
21
00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:45,960
HE CHUCKLES Hey...
22
00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:48,960
And don't lick it neither!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
23
00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:56,960
Fancy a drink... fiance?
24
00:00:56,960 --> 00:00:59,000
A drink?! I just saved your life!
25
00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:01,960
You owe me some answers!
Oh, about what?
26
00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:05,960
HE GROANS
This vampirism malarkey!
27
00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:08,960
I mean, is it a curse,
like in Underworld?
28
00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:10,960
Or more of a disease,
like in I Am Legend?
29
00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:13,960
Can I go out in the sun,
like in Twilight,
30
00:01:13,960 --> 00:01:15,160
with all the glittery shit,
31
00:01:15,160 --> 00:01:17,320
or will I burn up,
like Interview With The Vampire?
32
00:01:17,320 --> 00:01:21,960
SHE GROANS
Can I be killed with silver
33
00:01:21,960 --> 00:01:24,320
or is it just a stake
through the heart like in Buffy?
34
00:01:24,320 --> 00:01:26,960
Good Lord, Abdulla!
A Muslim, of all people,
35
00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:29,960
should know you can't learn anything
about community from the media!
36
00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:34,960
I mean, vampires can be ethical,
productive members of society.
37
00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:36,960
Coming from a part-time dominatrix
who lives in a council flat?
38
00:01:36,960 --> 00:01:39,960
What, you got a problem
with a disabled person
39
00:01:39,960 --> 00:01:41,960
trying to make her way
in a Tory Britain?
40
00:01:41,960 --> 00:01:44,480
You didn't seem very disabled
when you were assaulting me earlier.
41
00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:46,960
Tell me. Tell me how
I'm supposed to get a job
42
00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:48,960
with a raging sunlight allergy?
43
00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:50,960
HE GROANS
44
00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:53,640
How are vampires meant to get by?
45
00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:55,960
KNOCK ON DOOR
46
00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:57,960
Mistress Kathy! Are you in?
47
00:01:57,960 --> 00:01:59,960
KNOCKING
48
00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:01,960
Sorry, love. A girl's gotta work.
49
00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:03,960
No, no, no, no. No, no, no.
We're not done here!
50
00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:07,960
The chastity belt you got me
has broken and... I can't pee.
51
00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:09,960
Why is it my problem?
52
00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:11,960
Because you're my maker.
53
00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:13,960
Doesn't that mean we're connected,
like in True Blood?
54
00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:16,960
Oh, my God, it's always
the bloody movies with you!
55
00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:18,960
Look, just because I bit you,
it doesn't mean I owe you anything.
56
00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:21,800
I mean, at least
not in an official capacity.
57
00:02:21,800 --> 00:02:22,960
Well, what does that mean?
58
00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:26,160
A bite has one percent chance
of turning you,
59
00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:27,960
and even then could...
KNOCK ON DOOR
60
00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:29,800
Ugh! Can you just go?
No, no, no, no.
61
00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:31,960
At least tell me
why you wanna kill me so badly!
62
00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:33,960
Please, Mistress! I'm ready to pop!
63
00:02:35,160 --> 00:02:37,960
Are you working tomorrow?
Yeah.
64
00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:40,960
Let me into the blood bank,
and then we'll talk.
65
00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:43,160
Agreed. OK.
66
00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:44,960
KNOCKING
Now go...
67
00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:46,960
Out.
68
00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:50,960
Dr Khan?
69
00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:52,960
Dr Eversley.
70
00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:54,320
SHE GROANS
71
00:02:57,320 --> 00:02:59,480
SHE SIGHS
In the corner.
72
00:03:03,480 --> 00:03:05,960
ANIMAL CALLS
73
00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:22,960
Oh! God!
74
00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:25,960
What's this,
the Islamic Father Karras
75
00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:29,960
and Father Merrin reunited
for The Exorcist Part II?
76
00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:30,960
Don't be silly, Abdulla.
77
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:34,960
Shafi here was just telling me
about your new fiancee.
78
00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:36,960
You told my mum?
Why wouldn't I?
79
00:03:36,960 --> 00:03:37,960
You deserve some cred
80
00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:39,960
for getting a kafir like Khadija
to revert to Islam.
81
00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:41,960
Khadija?! You mean Kathy?
82
00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:45,160
You can't marry a non-Muslim, bruv.
So it's Khadija, or no nikah...
83
00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:46,960
But she's not Muslim.
84
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:49,960
She came here last night herself
to tell me that she's converting.
85
00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:50,960
Er, reverting.
86
00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:52,960
Wait, she came here?
Oh, my God, are you OK?
87
00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:56,960
Well, between the shock of hearing
how my son is engaged
88
00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:59,960
to a white woman
15 years his senior and...
89
00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:02,000
everything else,
I think quite well, considering.
90
00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:03,960
I'm sorry I didn't tell you, Mum.
It's just...
91
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:06,480
I know you wanted your space, Abdulla.
92
00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:09,160
But this whole conversion,
reversion business...
93
00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:11,960
Does she know
what she's getting herself into?
94
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:12,960
It's not a simple thing.
95
00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:14,960
Yeah, that's why
I wanted to come over, innit?
96
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:16,960
Cos most of these old school imams,
97
00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:18,960
they don't know nothing
about no inter-faith,
98
00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:21,960
inter-cultural relationships,
but your boy Shafi
99
00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:23,960
has been linking Latinas since GCSE,
big man.
100
00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:25,960
Get to the point, Shafi.
101
00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:27,960
Islamic. Sex. Therapy.
102
00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:30,960
I know a guy who handles everything,
right down to the lovemaking.
103
00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:32,960
An Islamic marriage counsellor.
104
00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:34,960
That's right,
the best guy in West London as well.
105
00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:35,960
For a little harami like Abs,
106
00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:37,960
he'll probably do it free of charge, inshallah.
107
00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:40,960
Coming from Hounslow's most prolific
sender of unsolicited dick pics?
108
00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:42,960
Er, Abdulla, don't be rude.
109
00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:43,960
Rude?!
110
00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:45,960
It might be helpful
for you to speak with him.
111
00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:47,960
God knows I could have used one
when I was...
112
00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:49,960
Yeah, so I'll bring him
on Friday then, yeah?
113
00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:50,960
Mum, you can't be serious?
114
00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:53,960
Abdulla, I am happy to give you
the space that you need,
115
00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:55,800
but I will not let you
116
00:04:55,800 --> 00:04:57,960
make the same mistakes
that I did, either.
117
00:04:57,960 --> 00:04:59,960
Shafi, it's only an hour, right?
Yeah.
118
00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:03,480
I think this'll be a good thing
for you and... Kathy.
119
00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:05,960
You know what? He could probably
help you as well, Auntie.
120
00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:07,960
D'you know he does a whole workshop
on why catfish is haram...
121
00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:09,960
Khuda Hafiz, Shafi!
Thank you for coming.
122
00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:11,960
Khuda Hafiz. Friday, yeah?
123
00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:14,960
Catfish?
124
00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:16,960
Fish without scales.
125
00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:19,480
Or is that makruh?
SHE LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY
126
00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:33,000
I was gonna tell you.
127
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:36,960
I know, Abdulla.
I know, it's just...
128
00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:38,960
SHE SIGHS
129
00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:42,960
Living this double life,
130
00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:45,960
meeting older women in secret,
131
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:48,960
making huge life decisions
without consulting me?
132
00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:50,960
How do I know you're safe?
133
00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:52,960
I can take care of myself, Mum.
I know.
134
00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:55,960
But I need to be sure.
135
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:03,960
This is a Hamsa, the Hand of Fatima.
136
00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:06,960
It's said to protect you
against the evil eye.
137
00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:09,960
Thanks, Mum, but I...
It was your dad's once.
138
00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:14,960
SMOKE FIZZES
139
00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:16,640
HE WHINES
140
00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:19,960
Do they maybe have it in gold?
141
00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:21,960
Muslim men don't wear gold.
142
00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:26,960
I want you to hold onto it. For me.
143
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:28,960
SMOKE FIZZES Fine.
144
00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:31,960
Fine. Thank you.
145
00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:42,000
Thank you.
146
00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:44,960
You know, I mean,
I just shook Shafi's hand, Mum.
147
00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:46,800
Who knows where that's been, hey?
148
00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:53,960
SPOOKY MUSIC
149
00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:05,960
This must be what it feels like
150
00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:08,960
for non-vampires
waiting for Maccy D's to open.
151
00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:11,960
HE CLEARS THROAT
152
00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:35,160
Well, I can't think of
a more romantic first date
153
00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:37,960
with my new... fiance.
154
00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:44,960
SHE GROANS HAPPILY
155
00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:47,960
Ugh! Fuck me, that's disgusting!
156
00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:52,960
Ugh!
157
00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:54,960
Yeah, there's, er...
158
00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:57,960
...hints of heavy alcohol abuse...
159
00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:01,960
...shades of hard drugs, and...
160
00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:03,960
a hell of a lot of sweaty sex.
161
00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:05,960
I mean, that may as well be
Keith Richards' blood.
162
00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:08,960
A very acquired taste. Mm.
163
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:11,960
Here, try some of this, er,
sweet AB positive.
164
00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:13,960
Tastes like a teetotal nun.
165
00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:16,320
Not that dissimilar
from your mate, Majid.
166
00:08:16,320 --> 00:08:17,960
No!
167
00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:20,800
Why do we need this stuff, anyway?
168
00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:23,960
Blood's like a, er...
a good curry for an Indian.
169
00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:25,960
A kebab for an Arab.
A kung pao for...
170
00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:27,960
Kathy, please. Stop.
171
00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:29,960
Mm.
172
00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:31,960
Ooh, yeah.
SHE GIGGLES
173
00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:35,160
I mean, those iron pills will help,
174
00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:37,800
but they're no substitute
for the real deal.
175
00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:39,320
You go without this stuff
for a couple of hours,
176
00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:41,960
you'll feel like you've had
the worst hangover you've ever had.
177
00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:42,960
I remember.
178
00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:45,960
OK, so, why can't I eat garlic?
179
00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:46,960
Why can't I touch silver?
180
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:48,960
SHE SCOFFS
Allergies, I guess.
181
00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:50,160
OK, and what about sunlight?
182
00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:52,960
Just think of your skin
as that of a...
183
00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:53,960
a particularly vulnerable ginger.
184
00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:56,640
Stay in the sun too long
185
00:08:56,640 --> 00:08:58,960
and you'll wrinkle up
like a pensioner in Benidorm.
186
00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:00,320
If you really need
to go out in the daylight,
187
00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:02,960
factor 50 works a treat.
188
00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:03,960
Can I, erm...
189
00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:06,960
...glamour people?
190
00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:08,960
What, like a glamour model?
191
00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:10,320
Sorry, love, you ain't got the tits.
192
00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:11,960
No, no, no, no, no.
193
00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:14,960
I mean, like, er...
hypnotising people,
194
00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:15,960
controlling them?
195
00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:18,960
Why is it always about getting laid
with you blokes?
196
00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:20,640
No.
197
00:09:20,640 --> 00:09:22,480
Fine! Worth a try.
198
00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:25,960
OK, how about churches?
Er, holy water. That dry wafer...
199
00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:27,960
Abs, you all right in there?
200
00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:28,960
What the fuck?
201
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:31,480
Amrita? Hi!
202
00:09:31,480 --> 00:09:35,480
Er, Kathy was just interested
in giving blood.
203
00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:36,960
Weren't you, Kathy?
SHE CHUCKLES
204
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:39,960
You know, I'm fine
with your chosen profession.
205
00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:41,960
But taking blood supplies
for your dominatrix business,
206
00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:44,000
it's taking the piss,
don't you think?
207
00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:48,960
Ooh...
208
00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:51,960
Ciao for now.
209
00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:54,960
Yeah.
210
00:09:57,960 --> 00:09:59,960
Isn't she amazing?
211
00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:01,800
No.
212
00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:03,960
Kathy!
213
00:10:05,800 --> 00:10:07,160
No, no, no, no, no. Wait, Kathy!
214
00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:08,960
We've barely scratched the surface.
215
00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:12,960
Explain to me why I'm meant to be
your private vampire tutor?
216
00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:14,960
Erm... because I saved your life.
217
00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:16,960
I'm already dead, Abdulla.
218
00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:18,960
OK, er... What do you do for fun?
219
00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:21,000
Fun? What d'you mean "fun"?
220
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:23,960
Surely there's more to life
than attacking innocent Muslims
221
00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:26,960
and fixing middle-aged punters'
chastity belts?
222
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:29,960
What do you do when you wanna...
cut loose?
223
00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:31,800
Well, er...
224
00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:33,000
Ever since the government
cut our benefits,
225
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:34,960
there's not really much else to do
but, er...
226
00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:37,960
work, drink, sleep, repeat.
SHE CHUCKLES
227
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:38,960
But there is this, er...
228
00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:43,960
this one place, in Chelsea,
that serves people like us.
229
00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:45,960
Cafe Sanguine.
230
00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:47,960
Yeah, I think
that's what it's called.
231
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:49,960
I mean, it's... it's very expensive.
232
00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:51,960
SHE CHUCKLES
233
00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:53,960
But, er, anyway!
We're... We're done here.
234
00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:56,960
No, no, no, no, no!
Let me take you there.
235
00:10:57,960 --> 00:10:59,000
One last conversation,
236
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:01,000
and you never have to
hear from me again.
237
00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:04,960
I'll even give you the code
to the blood bank.
238
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:08,960
Fine! When's your next night off?
239
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:10,960
Er... Friday night.
Fabulous, darling.
240
00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:12,960
And remember,
I split bones, not bills.
241
00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:27,960
Abs, what exactly is going on?
242
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:28,960
What do you mean?
243
00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:31,960
Like, I know you've had
your confidence issues,
244
00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:33,960
but I didn't expect you
to end up with a dominatrix.
245
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:35,800
We're just dating.
246
00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:37,960
You know you don't have to
just settle, right?
247
00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:39,960
There are lots of girls
who'd be lucky to have you.
248
00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:43,960
I'm just saying that
if you have any issues,
249
00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:44,960
you can always come to me.
250
00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:47,960
Well, I'm a big boy.
I can handle myself.
251
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:49,960
I know, but...
252
00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:52,960
this is your first relationship,
isn't it?
253
00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:54,960
And... it doesn't look like
it's hers.
254
00:11:56,960 --> 00:12:00,160
My door's always open. Anytime. OK?
255
00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:02,960
I'll see you later.
256
00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:19,960
When's Kathy gonna be here?
For what?
257
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:20,960
For the marriage counselling, silly.
258
00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:22,960
Shafi's guy's gonna be here
any minute now.
259
00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:25,960
Mum, I'm not...
KNOCK ON DOOR
260
00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:27,960
I'll be out of the house.
261
00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:30,960
So feel free
to speak about your feelings, OK?
262
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:32,960
And remember,
it's better to be open
263
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:35,640
about bedroom problems early on,
believe me.
264
00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:37,960
Ugh! Mum!
265
00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:40,960
As-salamu alaikum.
266
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:42,960
As-salamu alaikum
warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.
267
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:45,960
Shafi?!
268
00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:47,000
What's the problem?
269
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:48,960
Are you afraid to get sensitive
270
00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:50,800
with the world's first
Islamotherapist?
271
00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:52,960
I thought you actually knew somebody
who could help us!
272
00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:54,000
And I do.
273
00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:55,960
Me!
274
00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:56,960
Oh, come on,
name me one other imam
275
00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:59,960
as schooled in Islamic theology
as he is in how to climax a woman?
276
00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:01,640
Oh, good grief.
Yeah, that's right.
277
00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:02,960
SHE SIGHS
278
00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:05,960
Now, where's Khadija at?
We got a lot to cover.
279
00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:06,960
Shafi, we know you.
280
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:09,320
Are you really the best person
to speak on this?
281
00:13:09,320 --> 00:13:10,960
Course I am, Auntie.
282
00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:12,960
In fact, my past life
is exactly what helps me connect
283
00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:14,960
to the wayward Islamic youth.
284
00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:16,480
I'm not spending the next hour
285
00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:19,480
listening to you trying to justify
your internet search history
286
00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:20,960
through half-baked theology.
287
00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:22,960
Half-baked?!
288
00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:24,960
This is all backed up
with years of Islamic book study!
289
00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:26,000
Ha, yeah
290
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:28,960
Brazzers doesn't count
as Islamic book study, Shafi.
291
00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:30,960
Just listen to me
for, like, one hour.
292
00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:32,160
What's wrong with you?
293
00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:33,960
It's not like
you've got somewhere else to be.
294
00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:35,960
I do, actually. Er...
295
00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:38,000
Kathy and I have a date
at Cafe Sanguine.
296
00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:40,960
A date?! Astaghfirullah.
297
00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:42,960
This is exactly
why you need to listen to me.
298
00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:46,000
Dating is not halal
unless you're bringing a chaperone.
299
00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:47,960
Just text her to come!
300
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:48,960
HE SUCKS TEETH
301
00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:51,640
Is there really
no-one else who can help?
302
00:13:51,640 --> 00:13:52,960
Why not... Abdulla.
303
00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:54,160
DOOR CLOSES
Abdulla!
304
00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:55,960
You said that you'd be here.
305
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:57,960
I got all dressed up,
306
00:13:57,960 --> 00:13:59,160
put on a keffiyeh
and everything, brev.
307
00:13:59,160 --> 00:14:00,960
HE SUCKS TEETH
308
00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:04,960
ORCHESTRAL MUSIC, CHATTER
309
00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:06,640
LAUGHTER
310
00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:11,160
CHATTER
311
00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:18,000
Yes! Yes! Yes!
312
00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:19,960
WOMAN LAUGHS
313
00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:24,960
HE CLEARS THROAT
314
00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:27,960
Hello, hi.
A table for two, please?
315
00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:33,640
We typically serve your kind
with a pinch of lemon.
316
00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:37,960
Yeah? No, no.
I-I'm one of you. I'm with...
317
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:39,800
He's with me, Xavier.
318
00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:44,320
Katherine Margot.
319
00:14:44,320 --> 00:14:47,960
I thought we'd finally managed
to price you out of this place.
320
00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:51,960
Yeah, well, you could say I've found
myself a new blood sugar daddy.
321
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:54,960
Now, please?
322
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:04,320
ORCHESTRAL MUSIC BUILDS
323
00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:13,800
GASPING
324
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:27,960
Erm...
325
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:29,640
Just, er... Let's sit.
326
00:15:29,640 --> 00:15:30,960
What you doing? What's wrong?
327
00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:32,960
Sit down, sit.
OK. All right.
328
00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:35,960
Are you OK?
329
00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:37,160
Oh...
330
00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:39,320
I fucking hate them all.
331
00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:41,960
Vampires?
No. Toffs.
332
00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:43,800
Oh.
333
00:15:43,800 --> 00:15:46,000
So, they're all like that, then?
334
00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:48,960
Yeah, well, that's the thing
from being around for centuries.
335
00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:51,960
The money and power
can really get to one's head.
336
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:54,960
So we really are immortal?
337
00:15:56,160 --> 00:15:57,960
Not as fun as it looks, eh?
338
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:02,960
Kathy...
339
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:04,960
I've been meaning
to ask you something.
340
00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:06,480
Yeah?
341
00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:09,960
Is there a... ?
What's Abdulla doing here?
342
00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:12,960
Shafi, what the fuck?
343
00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:14,960
I'm killing two birds
with one stone, baby girl.
344
00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:17,960
I'm treating my beautiful Nahima,
my wonderful fiancee,
345
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:19,960
out to a lovely dinner.
346
00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:21,960
And I'm also making sure
that my dickless cousin
347
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:22,960
doesn't get up to any haram.
348
00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:24,960
A double date
isn't exactly halal, Shafi.
349
00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:26,960
Nor is it romantic! We should go.
350
00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:28,960
Haven't we met before, darling?
351
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:30,960
No, no, no, no.
This isn't a social, Kathy.
352
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:32,960
Anything to drink,
ladies and gents?
353
00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:34,960
I'll take a Bloody Mary, please.
354
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:36,000
Extra bloody,
if you know what I mean?
355
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:38,960
Er, sorry, this is a Muslim table.
No alcohol, please.
356
00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:42,000
A Bloody Mary is a mocktail.
It contains vodka, sir.
357
00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:44,960
HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY
Yes. Non-alcoholic vodka.
358
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:46,960
Yeah...
but what about the blood, bruv?
359
00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:47,960
Blood is not halal.
360
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:50,960
A Bloody Mary doesn't have
any blood in it, you idiot.
361
00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:52,960
It's just tomato juice
and a chilli sauce.
362
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:55,960
You might as well call it
a "Bloody Maryam".
363
00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:58,960
Actually, sir...
Shut up, OK? Thank you so much.
364
00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:00,960
Coke, anybody? Coke?
365
00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:02,960
Yeah.
Coke, thank you.
366
00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:07,800
Mm, I must say, my darling,
you smell wonderful.
367
00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:09,960
BOTH CHUCKLE
368
00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:12,960
Yeah, you've got me to thank
for that, Khadija, still.
369
00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:15,960
I got a sick deal on oudh from
this Lebanese guy on Edgware Road.
370
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:17,960
It's Kathy.
371
00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:19,960
Abs, have you not told her
she needs a Muslim name yet?
372
00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:22,960
Kathy can decide for herself
what name she wants to use, Shafi.
373
00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:24,480
Kathy, we need to chat.
374
00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:26,960
Nahima, is it?
Yeah.
375
00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:30,320
Tell me, how does a dominant queen
like yourself
376
00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:32,960
end up with a prick like that?
ABDULLA CHUCKLES
377
00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:36,960
Well, let's just say
the collective quality
378
00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:40,800
of single Muslim men
isn't exactly the highest.
379
00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:41,960
Oh...
380
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:43,320
Babes...
But...
381
00:17:43,320 --> 00:17:45,960
But even with his rough edges,
382
00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:47,960
he's still
one of the few people out there
383
00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:49,960
making our faith more accessible.
384
00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:51,960
Mm.
I like that in a guy.
385
00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:52,960
That's right.
386
00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:53,960
How about YOU?
387
00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:57,960
Er, let's just say Abdulla's
the first pull I've regretted
388
00:17:57,960 --> 00:17:59,960
after not drinking enough.
389
00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:01,960
HE LAUGHS
390
00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:04,960
Kathy, we...
we came here for a reason...
391
00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:06,960
How about you and I
ditch these losers
392
00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:09,960
and find ourselves a ladies night...
I really need to know.
393
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:10,960
Is there a cure?!
394
00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:13,960
Why don't you just stick your cock
in a pig and see how that goes?!
395
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:15,000
SHAFI GASPS
396
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:19,960
Abs! You can't let your woman
talk to you like this!
397
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:21,800
She's not "his", Shafi.
398
00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:24,000
And for the millionth time,
she can say whatever she likes.
399
00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:26,960
Baby, did you hear that?
You'll never learn, will you?
400
00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:28,960
How is this my fault?!
You're being ridiculous, Shafi.
401
00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:30,960
Are you serious? Brev!
Oh, don't go.
402
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:32,320
Baby, come on!
Thank fuck they're gone.
403
00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:33,960
You got the bill, love?
Yes. Wait, but...
404
00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:35,960
No, Kathy, we're not...
We're not done here!
405
00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:38,800
Ugh... Move.
406
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:41,960
HE HISSES
407
00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:45,960
Sorry.
408
00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:50,960
Kathy!
409
00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:58,960
Kathy!
410
00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:02,960
Kathy, we weren't done in there. Shh...
411
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:04,960
Baby, I can change.
I've even stopped critiquing
412
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:06,960
how girls wear their hijabs
on Instagram.
413
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:08,320
It's not just about that, Shafi!
414
00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:09,960
It's your attitudes, your misogyny.
415
00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:12,960
Misogyny?! I've even stopped
using your conditioner on my beard.
416
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:14,000
What do you want from me?!
Fuck off, Shafi!
417
00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:16,960
You're not gonna... ?
Just watch and learn, yeah?
418
00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:18,960
Just fuck off, Shafi, OK?
I'm trying...
419
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:20,960
We're done!
Calm, say nothing. I'm out.
420
00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:23,960
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Kathy, you don't mean kill her?
421
00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:26,960
I don't wanna "kill her" kill her.
I just want a little taste.
422
00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:28,960
Just look at her, she's so pure.
423
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:29,960
No. You can't.
424
00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:31,960
Oh, yes, I fucking can.
425
00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:33,960
No, you can't!
426
00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:35,960
SHE GROANS
What's wrong with you?
427
00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:38,960
Great, she's fucking gone!
428
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:41,960
THEY GROAN
429
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:45,960
A little bitch like you
has no business being a vampire!
430
00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:48,480
Yeah, well, maybe you should have
thought about that
431
00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:51,960
before you turned me into one,
Maker!
432
00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:54,480
Oh, Abdulla, Abdulla.
433
00:19:54,480 --> 00:19:57,160
There's more than that
to being a vampire.
434
00:19:57,160 --> 00:19:59,960
If I don't mark you as my progeny,
435
00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:03,480
you're little more than a human with
a serious case of vampire virus.
436
00:20:03,480 --> 00:20:04,960
You're my maker. You have to!
437
00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:06,960
We can only make one. And you!
438
00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:08,960
You were a fucking mistake!
439
00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:10,320
SHE GRUNTS
440
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:13,960
It's better if I do it, honestly.
441
00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:14,960
The other vampires in the coven,
442
00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:17,960
well, they're the UKIP-voting bunch,
if you know what I mean?
443
00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:19,960
They'll come for you
and everyone you love.
444
00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:21,960
You promised you'd help me.
445
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:24,800
Yeah, well, then you decided
to go all Gandhi on me, so...
446
00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:26,960
SHE GROANS
447
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:28,960
SHE SHRIEKS, SIZZLING
448
00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:30,960
Silver?!
449
00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:34,960
HE GROWLS
450
00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:37,960
Yeah. Muslim men don't wear gold.
451
00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:41,000
Even got a little catchphrase now,
you fuck.
452
00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:42,960
SHE GRUNTS
453
00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:54,960
Amrita?
454
00:20:56,480 --> 00:20:58,960
Amrita, are you there?
455
00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:00,800
I need to tell you the truth, OK?
456
00:21:00,800 --> 00:21:02,480
Kathy's not my fiancee.
457
00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:04,960
She's not my girlfriend, OK?
She's a...
458
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:07,800
I'm a, er...
459
00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:11,960
I'm a vampire.
460
00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:12,960
HE GROANS
461
00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:19,960
Amrita, you're not getting...
462
00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:21,960
married?
463
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:23,960
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