All language subtitles for Count Abdulla s01e03 The Lost Bhais.eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,960 FAST-PACED MUSIC 2 00:00:24,960 --> 00:00:25,960 SLURPING 3 00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:28,000 HE GRUNTS Argh! 4 00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:31,000 Hyah! A real Muslim wouldn't be into this, bro. 5 00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:33,800 Shafi, do something! 6 00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:39,960 I'm sorry, Mr Abdulla. 7 00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:42,640 Mohammed Salah! 8 00:00:42,640 --> 00:00:43,960 SHE HISSES 9 00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:45,960 Ho, ho, ho, ho-o-o-o! 10 00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:48,960 Gol, gol, gol, gol, gol, gol, gol! 11 00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:50,960 WIND BLOWS 12 00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:52,960 Where'd she go, bruv? ABDULLA GASPS 13 00:00:57,960 --> 00:00:59,960 Pow! You see that shot, bruv? 14 00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:01,960 All them years at the Chelsea Academy weren't for nothing. 15 00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:04,960 Having a replica shirt doesn't mean you were part of the Academy, Shafi. 16 00:01:04,960 --> 00:01:06,320 Let's go. Hold on, man, wait. 17 00:01:06,320 --> 00:01:08,960 They're gonna let that thing get away with it. Hey, big man! 18 00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:10,160 No, no, they're not gonna do anything 19 00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:11,960 unless we keep our mouths shut. Let's go. 20 00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:13,960 Why you always backing the police, man? 21 00:01:13,960 --> 00:01:15,960 You know pigs are not halal. 22 00:01:15,960 --> 00:01:17,960 I'm trying to stop us from getting arrested. 23 00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:19,960 Arrest... There's an Islamophobic vampire 24 00:01:19,960 --> 00:01:21,960 running around in these streets, bro! Oh, my God. 25 00:01:21,960 --> 00:01:23,960 Can you hear yourself?! They'll have you sectioned. 26 00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:25,960 Who's gonna section me, bruv? SHAFI SIGHS 27 00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:28,960 Look, we can't just sit around and do nothing, yeah? 28 00:01:28,960 --> 00:01:30,960 Look what I found. Mistress Kathy? 29 00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:31,960 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! 30 00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:33,960 This looks like a job for The Lost Bhais. 31 00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:35,000 "The Lost Bhais"? 32 00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:37,960 I thought you didn't run with the gang no more. 33 00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:38,960 The Lost Bhais ain't no gang, man. 34 00:01:38,960 --> 00:01:40,960 They're just the cool kids from the masjid. 35 00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:42,960 We deal dawah instead of... other things now. 36 00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:45,640 OK, and they don't need to get involved, OK? She's not a vampire. 37 00:01:45,640 --> 00:01:47,320 She's probably an... addict, or something. 38 00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:49,960 I know you don't bang gym, yeah, but even you are not weak enough 39 00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:51,960 to be put in a chokehold by a skinny little crackhead. 40 00:01:51,960 --> 00:01:54,960 OK, then maybe she's, like, a crazy white lady, you know? 41 00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:58,320 And given your dating history, surely you know how much damage 42 00:01:58,320 --> 00:02:01,960 a gori with a screw loose can do? 43 00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:04,960 Is there something you're not telling me, fam? Hm? 44 00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:05,960 Like... 45 00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:08,960 Oh. Is this some kind of kinky new sex thing you're into? 46 00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:10,960 All right, listen, I get it now. 47 00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:12,960 Look, hospital's a classic scenario... 48 00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:14,640 You've been watching way too much porn, Shafi. 49 00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:16,640 There's a scientific explanation to all of this. 50 00:02:16,640 --> 00:02:17,960 Just let me figure it out on my own, OK? 51 00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:19,960 SHAFI SUCKS TEETH OK. 52 00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:21,960 But if them vampires come for you, 53 00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:23,960 you tell 'em your cousin fights like Khabib, bruv! 54 00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:26,960 OK. I will. Good. 55 00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:29,800 How do I get out? 56 00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:31,960 Straight down on the left, Shafi. 57 00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:33,960 Baow! 58 00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:39,960 SIRENS IN THE DISTANCE 59 00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:53,960 I say. 60 00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:56,640 Crawling around in the dirt rather suits you, Katherine. 61 00:02:56,640 --> 00:02:59,640 Well, maybe you should come and join me, Charles? 62 00:02:59,640 --> 00:03:02,960 Or has that imported third-world blood made you lazy? 63 00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:07,960 You know our rules. Your Indian lover boy needs to go. 64 00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:11,160 Otherwise, we might have to step in. 65 00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:12,960 And do what, exactly? 66 00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:15,960 Slap him with a white glove and demand satisfaction? 67 00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:18,960 How about we bury you both alive? 68 00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:20,480 SHE HISSES, THEY HISS 69 00:03:20,480 --> 00:03:21,960 ALL HISS 70 00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:24,960 SHE COUGHS 71 00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:26,960 THEY SNIGGER 72 00:03:36,960 --> 00:03:38,960 Ah... 73 00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:49,960 Abs. 74 00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:51,960 Are you all right? We heard what happened. 75 00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:53,960 The nurses said you were beaten up by some lady. 76 00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:56,640 No, just some patient with Real Housewife delusions 77 00:03:56,640 --> 00:03:58,960 trying to pick a fight with the nearest male. Heh! 78 00:03:58,960 --> 00:03:59,960 Well, we were worried. I'm fine! 79 00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:01,960 There's nothing to be worried about. 80 00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:04,960 I'm not so sure. 81 00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:07,960 Public displays of violent passion? 82 00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:10,960 Secrecy about your sex life? 83 00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:12,960 Food with no seasoning? 84 00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:15,480 I think Abdulla's got a girlfriend. 85 00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:16,960 And she's white! 86 00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:18,960 Shut it, Chris, OK? We've been over this. 87 00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:21,960 It's not nice to make fun of Abs' girl problems, all right? 88 00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:22,960 "Girl problems"? 89 00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:26,960 You know what... 90 00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:29,960 I... do have a new girlfriend. 91 00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:31,960 Mm, you're right. 92 00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:35,960 That is why I've been acting a little differently recently. 93 00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:38,960 It's a, er, new relationship buzz. 94 00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:40,960 Zzz. Are-Are you serious? 95 00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:42,960 What's her name, then? 96 00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:44,960 ABDULLA SCOFFS Kathy. 97 00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:46,000 And she's definitely real? 98 00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:48,960 Not one of those anime body pillows, or a Tinder bot? 99 00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:51,960 Yes, she's real, you dickhead. That's amazing, Abs. 100 00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:53,960 So, erm, when do we get to meet her? 101 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:54,960 Sorry, what? 102 00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:56,960 Well, Frank wanted to invite you over, 103 00:04:56,960 --> 00:04:58,160 to say thanks for taking the shifts. 104 00:04:58,160 --> 00:05:00,960 He makes a mean dosa, apparently. So... 105 00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:02,960 why don't you bring her? Maybe tomorrow evening? 106 00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:05,960 No. I'd love to, but she works nights. 107 00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:06,960 Oh, is she a doctor, too? 108 00:05:06,960 --> 00:05:08,960 Not exactly. She is real, right? 109 00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:12,320 Yes, she's real! I'll bring her, OK? 110 00:05:12,320 --> 00:05:16,960 Er... Erm, tell Frank not to use any garlic. 111 00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:19,960 She's garlic... 112 00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:20,960 free. 113 00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:23,960 Is that a thing now, or something? Drop the gluten too, love. 114 00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:25,960 This is a white girl we're talking about. 115 00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:10,960 Oh, God, not again. 116 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:12,960 Abdulla, I thought you'd be working tonight. 117 00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:17,960 I'm heading to Amrita's for a dinner party. Mm. 118 00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:21,640 What's THIS all about? Oh, this? 119 00:06:21,640 --> 00:06:24,160 This is nothing. Listen, you go have fun. 120 00:06:24,160 --> 00:06:26,480 Candles, your fine china... 121 00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:29,960 and is that a decanter of your finest mango Rubicon? 122 00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:32,960 You're not on a date tonight, are you, Mum? 123 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:34,960 SHE LAUGHS No, no, no. 124 00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:36,000 No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 125 00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:40,160 Just setting the atmosphere for a bit of self-love tonight. 126 00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:41,960 "Self-love"? Mm. 127 00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:43,960 You mean a Bollywood movie and a ready-meal curry, right? 128 00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:46,160 A little more romantic than that, thanks. 129 00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:48,960 Enjoy it, Mum. 130 00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:50,320 KEYS JANGLE 131 00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:53,960 DOOR OPENS 132 00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:55,960 PHONE CHIMES, VIBRATES, DOOR CLOSES 133 00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:04,480 SIRENS IN THE DISTANCE 134 00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:30,960 DOORBELL RINGS 135 00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:34,960 Ikhlaq? Er, no. It's Kathy. 136 00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:36,960 Salam alai... klum. 137 00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:38,960 Er, is-is Abdulla in? 138 00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:40,960 Sorry, are you the bin lady? Oh, yeah, that. 139 00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:43,000 That was just the old, er, walk of shame, you know? 140 00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:46,160 The what? Er, we're involved, Abdulla and I. 141 00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:47,960 I don't think so. 142 00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:49,960 I mean, you're not exactly his type. 143 00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:51,960 And what is his type? 144 00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:54,000 Well, he only goes for Muslim girls, for one. 145 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:56,960 Well, it's a good thing I've converted. 146 00:07:57,960 --> 00:08:00,480 What, he hasn't told you about me? He hasn't. 147 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,960 Mm. Strange that he hasn't mentioned his girlfriend. 148 00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:04,960 Fiancee. Muslims don't do boyfriend, girlfriend. 149 00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:06,960 You're either his fiancee, or you're not involved. 150 00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:08,800 Well, that's the thing, Mrs Khan. 151 00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:11,640 It wasn't exactly the most romantic of proposals. 152 00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:14,960 Mightn't it be best if we, er, discussed this as a three? 153 00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:16,160 Where is he? 154 00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:20,960 Dinner party, with his friends. Weren't you invited? 155 00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:23,960 I get my dinner at the mosque these days. 156 00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:25,480 Mightn't you have the address? 157 00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:26,960 Sorry, you're his fiancee 158 00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:28,960 and he hasn't told you where he's going? 159 00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:31,960 Men! What are they like, eh? 160 00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:43,160 Thank you so much, Mrs Khan. 161 00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:45,480 Or should I, er, say... 162 00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:47,960 mother-in-law! 163 00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:50,960 WIND BLOWS 164 00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:56,000 Oh... 165 00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:02,960 GRIME MUSIC FROM CAR 166 00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:05,960 Hey! 167 00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:11,960 MUSIC STOPS That your pussy cousin Abs? 168 00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:13,960 Is this your ghetto Ferrari, Shafi? 169 00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:15,960 That's right. What you doing here? 170 00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:17,800 I'm dealing with the vampire problem, bruv. 171 00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:18,960 What are YOU doing here? 172 00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:20,960 Look, all the Lost Bhais came back through. 173 00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:23,480 Even Maajid. Out of hospital, no thanks to you. Hm! 174 00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:25,960 Yeah, I hear the vampire's after you, too, now, huh? 175 00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:28,960 Believe me now, Doc? Like I said, Maajid, 176 00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:31,160 your issues were far more likely to be drug-related. 177 00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:33,960 Pfft... Come on, look at this coconut, man. 178 00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:34,960 You for real? 179 00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:37,960 Sticking up for whites, even though they're blood-sucking ghouls. 180 00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:39,960 You're movin' so mad, you know? Like I said to Shafi, 181 00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:41,800 it's under control. "Under control"? 182 00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:43,960 Last time I checked, it was you who needed me to stop you 183 00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:45,960 from getting shish-kebabed. Yeah, truss. 184 00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:46,960 Thank you so much for that, Shafi, 185 00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:48,960 but honestly, it's all under control. 186 00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:51,960 I don't need anybody's help, not least from the guys 187 00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:53,960 who could barely get past Alif Baa Taa in Quran class. 188 00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:57,800 Is there something you're not telling me, fam? 189 00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:01,960 Are you involved with this vampire lady, bruv? 190 00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:05,960 Is she your little... side order of mattar paneer? 191 00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:08,960 Oh, come on, man! Look at him. Abdulla ain't got no game. 192 00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:11,960 ALL LAUGH 193 00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:13,960 LAUGHTER CONTINUES, ABDULLA LAUGHS MOCKINGLY 194 00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:17,480 Cos "having game" is so Islamic, is it, boys? 195 00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:19,960 Look, I've checked myself, there's no-one up there. 196 00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:21,960 Aye, whatever you say, fam. 197 00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:23,960 Just be careful round here, innit? Mm... 198 00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:26,960 This estate's whiter than a Millwall crowd. Ha-ha! 199 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,960 Thanks for your concern, Shafi. 200 00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:31,960 Good night. 201 00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:35,160 SHAFI SUCKS TEETH 202 00:10:35,160 --> 00:10:37,800 SHAFI SNIFFS 203 00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:39,960 Something don't smell right, you know. 204 00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:41,960 Who is it? Was it you? 205 00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:44,960 Well, that went well. Come on, bro. Sorry, bro. 206 00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:48,960 CAR ENGINE TURNING OVER, GRIME MUSIC ON STEREO 207 00:10:57,160 --> 00:10:58,960 DOORBELL RINGS 208 00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:00,960 You haven't, er, moved in, have you? 209 00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:02,960 Oh, no, I'm just chilling here 210 00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:04,960 till the rugby season starts back home, eh? 211 00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:07,960 He means till he gets deported. Yeah. 212 00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:08,960 Hi. Hello. 213 00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:10,960 You look really nice. Thanks. 214 00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:12,960 Chris? What are you doing here? 215 00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:15,960 Well, I just had to meet the infamous Kathy, didn't I? 216 00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:18,960 So, go on, then. Where's she hiding? 217 00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:20,960 As you may well have guessed... 218 00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:23,000 there is no Kathy. Ah, ha! 219 00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:24,960 I knew it! 220 00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:26,800 Shut it, Chris. So, who was she? 221 00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:28,960 Was she, like, some 40-year-old male catfish, hm? Come on, Abs. 222 00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:30,960 Let's get you sat down. Oh, come on! 223 00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:32,960 Stop it. Ow! 224 00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:34,000 What's wrong with you, bruv? 225 00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:38,960 So, what's going on? Oh, I'm sorry. 226 00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:40,960 I guess I just wanted you guys off my back 227 00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:42,960 about this whole girlfriend thing. 228 00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:45,480 Abs, do you really think we care if you're single or not? 229 00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:46,960 I dunno. 230 00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:50,800 This whole relationship thing seems so easy for you guys. 231 00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:52,480 I just can't figure it out. 232 00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:54,160 Have you considered arranged marriage? 233 00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:55,960 What?! 234 00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:57,640 I know there's a stigma attached, 235 00:11:57,640 --> 00:11:59,960 but I was reading something in gal-dem, which I love. 236 00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:02,000 Are you seriously gonna whitesplain arranged marriage to us? 237 00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:04,800 No, no, no, no, no. It's like we were talking earlier. 238 00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:06,960 Isn't it great that your culture has an option 239 00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:09,160 for guys who can't get laid - like Abs, here? 240 00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:10,960 I don't see India with an incel problem. 241 00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:11,960 Frank, if you don't shut up, 242 00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:14,480 I'm gonna Priti Patel your arse back to South Africa. 243 00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:16,960 It's... It's progressive, if anything. 244 00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:19,960 You know, some people really just aren't cut out for the dating world. 245 00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:22,960 You know what? I think I better leave you guys to it. 246 00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:25,000 Abs, Abs. No! Abs, no! 247 00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:29,960 Evening... hubby. 248 00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:36,960 Hello, everyone. 249 00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:37,960 I'm Kathy. 250 00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:43,960 SHE SIGHS 251 00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:50,960 Salaam alaikum. Oh, my... 252 00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:52,960 Salaam alaikum. Salaam alaikum, Auntie Bush. 253 00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:54,640 Shafi! Is Abdulla in? 254 00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:56,960 No, he's out. OK, we need to find him. 255 00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:59,960 We think he's been hypnotised by a va... Aw, sick, Bombay mix! 256 00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:00,960 Ooh! What's going on? 257 00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:02,960 OK, so, she looks like some skinny white chick, 258 00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:04,960 but in reality, she's a blood-sucking... 259 00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:06,960 Here, Uncle Eran just got deported. The bin lady? 260 00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:09,800 Yes, have you seen her? Yeah, she were here earlier, 261 00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:12,960 and she said that she and Abdulla are now "involved". 262 00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:15,000 Astaghfirullah, it's worse than we thought. Ah, no, no. 263 00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:17,960 I'm sure there's a perfectly fine explanation for all... 264 00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:19,960 You know, Auntie, don't even worry about it. 265 00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:21,960 It's OK, we can handle it. Can't we? Mandem! 266 00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:22,960 Mm? Let's go. Let's go, bro. 267 00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:25,960 Ikhlaq? Dad? 268 00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:28,960 Ikhlaq, Uncle, what you doing...? 269 00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:31,000 DOOR OPENS, CLOSES 270 00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:51,800 Is there garlic in this? 271 00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:54,960 No. Abdulla said that you don't... Wonderful! 272 00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:56,960 OK... So, erm... 273 00:13:56,960 --> 00:13:59,960 How did you two meet? 274 00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:01,960 Bus stop. The club. 275 00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:04,960 The, er, the Bus Stop in Farringdon. 276 00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:06,960 It's a House night. 277 00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:08,960 ? Wow, wow, wow, wow... ? 278 00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:10,960 Right. So, what do you do? 279 00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:14,960 I'm a part-time dominatrix. 280 00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:16,960 Oh. How did you get into that? 281 00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:18,640 Well... 282 00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:20,960 There's always small-dicked men willing to pay loads of money 283 00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:22,960 to be told that they're worthless. 284 00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:24,160 Not me, of course. 285 00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:26,960 Don't shame her, Abdulla. Sex work is work. 286 00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:28,960 I'm not shaming her, Frank. 287 00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:29,960 I'm just not into that. 288 00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:31,960 Oh, really? 289 00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:34,960 Well, maybe someone needs to be put back in their place, then. 290 00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:39,960 God! You're a fun bunch. 291 00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:41,960 Some of us are just a little more uptight in the bedroom... 292 00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:45,320 Frank! We're not talking about that at the dinner table. What the fuck? 293 00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:52,960 HE WHIMPERS 294 00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:56,960 Kathy, er, honey, darling, can we have a chat, please? 295 00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:57,960 Hm. 296 00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:04,960 It's been really lovely meeting you all. 297 00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:09,960 Oh-ho-ho. Oh... 298 00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:11,960 What the fuck are you doing here?! 299 00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:13,960 I'm cleaning up a little mess of my own making. 300 00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:17,960 I may have accidentally, er, turned you into a, erm... 301 00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:19,320 vampire. 302 00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:30,960 Fu-u-u-u-uck. 303 00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:32,960 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 304 00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:36,960 No. Oh... I fucking knew it. 305 00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:39,000 God, you don't need to cry about it. 306 00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:41,000 Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 307 00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:43,960 My mum tried to have me exorcised, YOU tried to kill me, 308 00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:46,960 and I can't even look at my cousin without wanting to neck him. 309 00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:49,160 What else am I supposed to fucking do?! 310 00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:50,960 HE EXHALES SHARPLY 311 00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:52,960 Mm... 312 00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:55,960 Why don't you come and have a little drink with me? 313 00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:58,960 HE GROANS 314 00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:00,960 It's non-alcoholic. SHE CHUCKLES 315 00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:06,480 Pure, extra virgin and 100% halal blood, 316 00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:09,000 which once belonged to your little mate Maajid. 317 00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:11,960 Are you insane?! 318 00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:15,960 Oh. Oh, it's the girlfriend experience you want, is it? 319 00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:18,960 Mmm... No, no, no, no, no, no, no! 320 00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:21,960 I just want to know how to put a stop to all of this. 321 00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:24,960 Mmm... Come on, Abdulla. 322 00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:30,480 Come and drink a little Maajid. 323 00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:36,960 'Garden Of Delight' 324 00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:46,960 That's it. 325 00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:48,960 MUSIC CONTINUES 326 00:16:56,960 --> 00:16:59,960 Mmm, mmm... 327 00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:12,960 Mmm, mmm... 328 00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:14,960 HE NICKERS 329 00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:19,960 We don't know... Ugh... 330 00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:21,960 What the fuck? Urgh! 331 00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:23,960 Can't a girl get some peace? 332 00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:25,960 Word of advice, Abs. 333 00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:27,960 It is polite to ask before you start 334 00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:30,960 making OnlyFans content in someone's bedroom! 335 00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:32,960 Fucking millennials! 336 00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:48,000 Where are you?! Come and face me! 337 00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:36,960 What the fuck...? 338 00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:09,480 Is this why you bit me? 339 00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:11,160 You're into brown men? 340 00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:13,320 What can I say? 341 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:17,960 I have the same taste in men as Princess Diana. 342 00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:21,960 BOTH HISS 343 00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:23,160 SNARLING 344 00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:24,960 SHE HISSES, HE GROWLS 345 00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:28,960 BOTH GRUNT 346 00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:36,960 All right, are we ready, lads? Yeah! 347 00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:39,000 Ready! Come, come, come. 348 00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:40,960 Nah, next one, next one, next one. 349 00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:42,960 Hey, bruv! 350 00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:43,960 Is that my bat, bruv? 351 00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:46,960 You-You-You said bring a stick, bro? You clown! I meant... 352 00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:47,960 Obvious... Fuck it, fuck it. 353 00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:49,960 It's cool, it's cool, cool. Come, come, come. 354 00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:50,960 Ready, yeah?! Yeah. 355 00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:53,960 BOTH GRUNTING 356 00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:56,960 BOTH PANT 357 00:19:56,960 --> 00:19:58,480 PANTING 358 00:19:58,480 --> 00:19:59,960 SHAFI SUCKS TEETH 359 00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:02,960 BOTH GRUNT, SHE SQUEALS 360 00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:04,960 HE GROWLS 361 00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:09,960 Ooh... 362 00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:11,960 Oh, you like that, Mr Abdulla? 363 00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:13,960 SHE PANTS 364 00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:15,960 HE GROANS 365 00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:18,800 HE GRUNTS 366 00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:20,960 Oh! Oh. 367 00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:21,960 HE CRIES OUT 368 00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:23,000 No, no, no, no! 369 00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:26,800 I'm so sorry, Mr Abdulla. 370 00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:28,960 It was a mistake. I shouldn't have turned you. 371 00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:31,960 It's against the rules. And if I don't kill you, they will! 372 00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:33,960 KNOCKING AT DOOR 373 00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:36,960 Flippety fuck! Can't a woman have a minute's peace?! 374 00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:38,960 We know you've got him trapped in there, vampire lady! 375 00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:40,960 Come out with your arms up! 376 00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:42,960 Ah, I see you brought back-up. 377 00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:45,960 Bro, bro, what if she's got a gat? We don't stand a chance then... 378 00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:47,960 She doesn't have a gun, bruv. She's a fucking vampire! 379 00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:50,960 Us Muslims disagree on everything from pre-marital sex 380 00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:54,960 to whether marshmallows are halal, but we look after our own. 381 00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:56,960 If you don't let me go, they will kill you. 382 00:20:56,960 --> 00:20:59,960 Well, maybe I'll just have to kill the lot of you, then! 383 00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:00,960 We've got stakes! 384 00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:03,480 And-And we ain't afraid to use 'em! 385 00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:04,960 And a bat too! 386 00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:07,960 Why did you tell her you have a bat, bruv? 387 00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:09,960 HE SUCKS TEETH Vampires love bats. 388 00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:12,000 Argh... 389 00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:14,960 BOTH PANT 390 00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:21,640 All right, I'm gonna kick this door down. 391 00:21:21,640 --> 00:21:23,960 Move, move, move. Come on. Go on, brother, go on, big one. 392 00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:25,960 SHAFI YELLS Whoa! It's me. 393 00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:29,160 Abs! I'm sorry, Shafi. 394 00:21:29,160 --> 00:21:33,000 There's something... someone I've been hiding from you. 395 00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:35,960 This is my... girlfriend. Oh! 396 00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:38,000 BOTH GIGGLE Kathy. 397 00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:42,960 Oh. Ah. SHE GIGGLES 398 00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:44,960 Ugh... You're so cute when you do that. 399 00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:47,960 Ain't no boyfriend girlfriend t'ings in Islam, bro. 400 00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:51,960 That's your fiancee. Oh! 401 00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:53,480 BOTH GIGGLE 402 00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:56,960 Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com 403 00:21:57,010 --> 00:22:01,560 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 29569

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