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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,640
MAN SINGING PRAYERS,
DISTANT DOGS BARKING
2
00:00:16,640 --> 00:00:18,960
DOOR CREAKS,
HE GASPS
3
00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:27,960
Oh, not again.
4
00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:31,960
ISLAMIC SINGING
GROWS LOUDER
5
00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:36,960
Heeeere's Majid!
HIGH-PITCHED: Argh!
6
00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:38,960
PLEADS IN ARABIC
7
00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:40,960
Please, please,
please don't kill me!
8
00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:41,960
I'm still a virgin!
9
00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:43,960
MAJ GUFFAWS
What?!
10
00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:45,960
Hey, broadcast that to the world,
why don't you?
11
00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:46,960
Maj?
12
00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:51,960
That is not flippin' funny, man.
Hey, hey, Rash, chill, eh?
13
00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:53,960
Come on, bro, no.
That was priceless, man. Come on.
14
00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:55,960
Hey, that was funny, man!
15
00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:57,960
No, it wasn't, bruv,
cos you scared the shit out of me.
16
00:00:57,960 --> 00:01:01,960
Bro, men like us can't be afraid
of anything. You feel me?
17
00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:02,960
Hey!
18
00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:04,960
Bad shit don't happen
to good Muslims.
19
00:01:04,960 --> 00:01:06,960
MAJ TUTS
Look, what you got to be afraid of
20
00:01:06,960 --> 00:01:08,960
when you step out of that mosque,
huh? Lots of things.
21
00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:10,960
Islamophobia, diabetes, ghouls...
22
00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:11,960
Ghouls?
MAJ CHUCKLES
23
00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:15,960
Bro, Muslims ain't vulnerable
to scary shit. Trust me.
24
00:01:15,960 --> 00:01:18,800
When was the last time you saw
a brother in a horror movie, huh?
25
00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:21,960
Or with a ghost, or a werewolf,
or I don't know, even like a...?
26
00:01:21,960 --> 00:01:23,960
A vampire?
MAJ SCREAMS
27
00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:28,960
You see,
I would have thought vampires
28
00:01:28,960 --> 00:01:29,960
would be into Muslims, you know?
29
00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:34,320
I mean, I've tried Jewish, Buddhist,
30
00:01:34,320 --> 00:01:35,960
lots of Christian blood,
31
00:01:35,960 --> 00:01:37,960
and an increasing amount
of Atheist blood.
32
00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:40,960
But I must say,
out of all of them...
33
00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:42,960
Muslim blood or Halal blood...
BOTH GASP
34
00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:45,960
...if you will, tastes the best.
35
00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:46,960
Now, virgin blood is something
36
00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:48,960
we've historically
been interested in.
37
00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:50,960
It's just so hard
to come by nowadays
38
00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:53,960
without serious ethical issues.
39
00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:54,960
Fuck this.
40
00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:57,320
She just came from nowhere.
Like, I don't understand.
41
00:01:57,320 --> 00:01:59,960
MAJ SCREAMS
She's on me. She's on me, bro.
42
00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:03,320
But Halal virgin blood,
well, finding that is like...
43
00:02:03,320 --> 00:02:05,320
Well, it's like Christmas.
44
00:02:05,320 --> 00:02:07,960
We-We don't really believe
in Christmas, lady, so, you know...
45
00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:08,960
Well, of course you don't.
46
00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:12,640
But isn't it Ramadan?
The month of charity?
47
00:02:12,640 --> 00:02:13,960
What's that got to do with anything?
48
00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:18,800
Well, there's no better time
than now to give blood.
49
00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:20,960
Yo, get that shit away from us,
you nutter! Go, man!
50
00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:22,960
SHE LAUGHS
What's the problem, boys?
51
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:26,960
HISSES
52
00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:31,960
You should be grateful
it's against my ethics
53
00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:34,640
to use these bad boys.
54
00:02:34,640 --> 00:02:35,960
Oh! Argh!
RASH WHIMPERS
55
00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:37,480
No! Stop it!
56
00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:39,480
SHE HISSES
Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop, stop!
57
00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:42,160
Argh! She's got my arm!
58
00:02:42,160 --> 00:02:44,960
HE SCREAMS
59
00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:48,960
SCREAMING CONTINUES
60
00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:49,960
HE SCREAMS
61
00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:51,960
MAJ SCREAMS
HIGH-PITCHED: No, no, no!
62
00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:52,960
HE WAILS
63
00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:55,960
Oh, quit whining.
The needle's clean.
64
00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:57,800
HE SCREAMS
65
00:02:57,800 --> 00:02:58,960
Oh! Oh, my God!
66
00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:01,960
HIGH-PITCHED: Mummy!
HE SCREECHES
67
00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:06,960
HE BABBLES, SCREAMS
68
00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:09,960
TENSE MUSIC ON SCREEN,
SHE SCREAMS
69
00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:14,960
WOMAN GROANS, PANTS
70
00:03:16,640 --> 00:03:18,480
GROANING CONTINUES
71
00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:19,960
Oh! Oh!
72
00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:21,960
Amrita, it's not what it looks like.
Oh, yeah?
73
00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:24,960
Then what's that little bulge
forming under your...?
74
00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:26,960
Er, it's-it's-it's
a classic horror movie.
75
00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:28,960
Yeah, doesn't look like Nosferatu.
76
00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:31,960
We both know that's
a load of exploitative old crap.
77
00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:34,960
The real horror's out there.
Mildly racist boomers.
78
00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:37,960
HE CHUCKLES
Not exactly the evil dead, are they?
79
00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:40,960
Don't think they'll let you off
so easy, Abs.
80
00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:43,960
They'll look right through
those cute brown-boy looks of yours,
81
00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:46,800
and... ask if an English doctor
is available.
82
00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:52,640
Cute?
83
00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:58,160
No. Yeah, no, I know.
84
00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:01,960
PHONE VIBRATES
85
00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:11,960
'Abdulla? Why aren't you
at the mosque?!' Mum...
86
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:13,960
'Have you forgotten
what day it is today?'
87
00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:14,960
Wednesday?
SHE GASPS
88
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:17,960
'It's Eid y'Allah!
89
00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:18,960
'Which I guess you would have known
90
00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:20,960
'had you bothered to keep
a single fast.
91
00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:22,960
'If you hadn't just finished
medical school,
92
00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:24,800
'I would have you packed off
to Pakistan!'
93
00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:26,960
WOMEN LAUGH,
ABDULLA CHUCKLES
94
00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:29,640
Hi. Good morning.
Morning.
95
00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:30,960
WOMAN CHUCKLES
96
00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:33,960
What have I told you
about cracking out
97
00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:35,960
the Asian mum impression
in the middle of my shift?
98
00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:37,640
SHE LAUGHS
99
00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:38,960
'But seriously,
when are you coming home?
100
00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:41,960
'I mean, you can't leave your mum
alone on Eid, of all days!'
101
00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:43,000
I know, I won't be long.
It's just...
102
00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:44,960
MAN SCREAMS
'What was that noise?'
103
00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:46,960
MAN GROANS
I dunno. I'd better go.
104
00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:48,960
Ah! Argh!
105
00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:51,800
MAN PANTS
106
00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:00,960
HE GROANS
107
00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:01,960
Please...
108
00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:05,960
MAN GROANS
109
00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:10,960
Please don't let her...
Don't bite me...
110
00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:12,960
Don't bite me, don't bite me,
don't bite me.
111
00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:13,960
Please, please, please.
112
00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:15,960
Don't bite me,
don't bite me!
113
00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:17,960
Please, don't bite me.
Hey, hey, Maj. It's me, me. Hello.
114
00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:20,960
Hi. Abdulla Khan.
We used to go Quran school together.
115
00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:22,960
Oh, it's good to see
another brother. Bro...
116
00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:25,000
You're low on blood. Please, relax.
117
00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:29,640
Is there...
something you wanna tell me?
118
00:05:29,640 --> 00:05:30,960
Be afraid, Abs.
119
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:33,960
Be very afraid.
120
00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:35,960
Maj, I'm not gonna rat you out
to the Haram police.
121
00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:38,320
You can tell me
if you're getting high. Bro, bro...
122
00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:40,960
They're real.
What's real?
123
00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:41,960
Vampires.
124
00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:43,960
What?!
VAMPIRES, man!
125
00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:44,960
Fucking vampires!
126
00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:46,960
And do you know
what the worst thing is?
127
00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:48,960
They like Muslims!
128
00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:53,960
Vampires like Muslims?
129
00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:55,640
At least someone does
in this climate.
130
00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:57,960
OK, no, no, no,
vampires wouldn't like Muslims.
131
00:05:57,960 --> 00:05:58,960
Why would you say that?
132
00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:01,960
Well, for the same reason
Black characters in horror movies
133
00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:02,960
always die first.
134
00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:04,960
Monsters don't like
people of colour.
135
00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:06,960
I didn't know monsters
were so bigoted. Yeah.
136
00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:08,960
What, do you think they're woke?
137
00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:10,960
If immortal creatures of the night
were on our side, Abs,
138
00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:12,960
do you really think that
there'd be racism,
139
00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:14,960
colonialism, sexism...?
Well, there are lesbian vampires.
140
00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:17,960
Like the feminist icons
from the James Gordon classic,
141
00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:19,640
Lesbian Vampire Killers?
142
00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:20,960
What about Dracula?
143
00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:23,640
You know, Transylvanian count
wreaking havoc
144
00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:25,320
on would-be British colonisers. Mm.
145
00:06:25,320 --> 00:06:26,960
Who literally became a vampire
146
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:28,960
to stop Middle Eastern immigration
to Europe?
147
00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:32,000
Your patient
was definitely tripping.
148
00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:34,960
I don't know.
This time of year for us, it's...
149
00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:36,960
I didn't know Muslims
celebrated Halloween.
150
00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:38,800
Halloween?
151
00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:41,960
Today?
152
00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:43,960
Shit.
153
00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:45,800
Shit, shit.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
154
00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:48,960
It's Eid today.
It c-can't be Halloween.
155
00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:50,960
You're not sacking off my party,
are you?
156
00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:52,960
Well, I-I-I don't want to.
157
00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:54,960
I just didn't know
it would fall today.
158
00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:57,480
You know, the lunar calendar,
it's a different day every year.
159
00:06:57,480 --> 00:06:58,960
My mum would be furious
if she knew that I...
160
00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:01,960
Please, all right? Spare me
the classic Asian mummy's boy act.
161
00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:03,960
SHE SCOFFS
You're a grown-ass man.
162
00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:06,160
You're far from the perfect Muslim,
and we all know that.
163
00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:07,960
HE SCOFFS
Yeah, but...
164
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:10,960
But what? You can't keep living
your life for other people, Abs.
165
00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:13,480
I... I...
SHE SIGHS
166
00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:15,640
Fine.
167
00:07:15,640 --> 00:07:16,960
Eid Mubarak, then.
168
00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:20,320
No. Am... Amri... Amrita, I'm sorry.
169
00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:22,320
CHRIS SIGHS
170
00:07:22,320 --> 00:07:24,960
You've really fucked it now, mate.
171
00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:26,960
Fucked what?
172
00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:31,960
CHRIS CHUCKLES
173
00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:46,960
KEYS JANGLE
174
00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:50,480
MAN CHATTERING ON TV
175
00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:14,320
SNORING
176
00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:17,960
KNOCKING ON DOOR
'Abdulla!'
177
00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:19,960
KNOCKING ON DOOR,
HE GROANS
178
00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:21,000
'Abdulla, wake up!'
179
00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:24,960
KNOCKING ON DOOR
180
00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:28,960
'Come on! I found the pink kurta
Auntie Shabnam gave you.
181
00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:31,800
'It matches my outfit.
I'm so excited.'
182
00:08:31,800 --> 00:08:32,960
KNOCKS THE DOOR
'Come on, open up!'
183
00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:34,960
HE GROANS
184
00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:36,960
'Abdulla!'
185
00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:37,960
KNOCKING CONTINUES
186
00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:38,960
SHE SIGHS
187
00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:42,000
What, Mum?
Uncle Jabbar's Eid party!
188
00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:44,000
Can you believe it?
We finally got an invite.
189
00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:46,160
Not exactly the Met Gala, Mum.
I tell you,
190
00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:47,960
ever since you graduated med school,
191
00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:50,960
all the other aunties
have stopped treating me
192
00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:53,960
like Bhindi at the buffet.
Aren't you gonna wear this kurta?
193
00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:57,960
I'm very happy for you, Mum,
but I'm busy tonight.
194
00:08:57,960 --> 00:08:59,960
"Busy"?
195
00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:00,960
What could be more important
than Eid?
196
00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:04,960
Amrita's party?
197
00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:09,320
Are you telling me that
that Christian devil festival...
198
00:09:09,320 --> 00:09:11,320
It's actually more pagan.
...is more important
199
00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:13,480
than the holiest day
of the Islamic calendar?!
200
00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:14,960
All my friends are going
to this party.
201
00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:16,960
It's our biggest night of the year.
202
00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:18,960
Fine.
203
00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:20,960
Go.
204
00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:27,960
I'll just tell the aunties
205
00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:32,960
that both my husband
and my only son have deserted me.
206
00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:36,960
Fine. I'll go.
207
00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:41,960
Thanks.
SHE LAUGHS
208
00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:43,960
HE CHUCKLES
209
00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:45,960
Oh.
210
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:47,480
HE STUTTERS
211
00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:51,960
Oh...
212
00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:54,960
Jesus Christ.
213
00:09:56,960 --> 00:09:59,960
I mean, Hai Allah!
214
00:10:20,960 --> 00:10:22,960
It doesn't look right.
215
00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:24,960
Oh, salaam alaikum, Eid Mubarak!
216
00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:26,960
Eid Mubarak!
Salaam alaikum.
217
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,960
Abdulla, men are that way.
"Men are that..."
218
00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:30,960
They've gender-segregated the rooms?
219
00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:32,960
We've never...
It'll be fine, Abdulla.
220
00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:34,960
You know,
you can talk football with them,
221
00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:38,960
or... driving 4X4s
and all that other manly stuff.
222
00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:41,960
We never get to talk about
manly stuff when it's just...
223
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:43,960
I'm sorry.
...him and me at home, you know?
224
00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:46,960
Oh, salaam alaikum!
Hello, everybody.
225
00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:48,800
BUSHRA CHUCKLES
226
00:10:51,480 --> 00:10:54,480
That's a very colourful kurta, beti.
Excuse me?
227
00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:56,320
You do know the ladies
are in the other room?
228
00:10:56,320 --> 00:10:59,000
Ha, ha, ha
Ao, Beto.
229
00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:03,960
Sorry.
230
00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:16,960
Saanp soon gaya?
231
00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:18,960
Sorry, Uncle. I don't speak Urdu.
232
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:20,800
Oh.
233
00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:22,640
Englistani, huh?
234
00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:25,800
Catch the footie down the pub?
235
00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:27,960
LAUGHTER
Ha, ha.
236
00:11:29,640 --> 00:11:32,640
Is it all right
if I go out and get some air?
237
00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:34,480
Smoking?
Er, no, no.
238
00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:36,960
I just need to make a call.
239
00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:38,000
Thank you.
240
00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:40,960
I could have gone for a fag.
241
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:44,800
WOMAN CHATTER
242
00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:49,160
Got somewhere better to be?
243
00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:51,960
Er, sorry, do I know you?
244
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:53,960
It's Abdulla Khan, right?
245
00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:56,960
I think we took Quran classes
back in the day.
246
00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:59,800
You were the kid
always on his Game Boy at the back.
247
00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:02,800
Oh, yeah!
Had my cousin's Castlevania on it.
248
00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:03,960
Wicked game.
249
00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:07,960
Oh, er, still one of the cool kids,
I see.
250
00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:09,960
It's Nahima Begum, isn't it?
251
00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:12,960
Salaam alaikum.
"Hey" is fine.
252
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:15,960
I heard you finished medical school.
253
00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:18,480
Yeah, save a life,
save all of humanity and all that.
254
00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:21,960
Eh, more likely you just wanted
to beef up your biodata.
255
00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:23,960
Er, well, er... what about you?
256
00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:26,960
You know, weren't too bad at Arabic,
if I remember.
257
00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:28,000
Human rights lawyer.
258
00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:30,960
Eid Mubarak, bruv!
259
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:33,960
If it isn't my little cousin Abs!?
Look at you.
260
00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:36,960
All them years at that white school
got you turned gora, innit?
261
00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:37,960
I missed you at the mosque
this morning.
262
00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:41,960
Shafi.
Imam Shafi to you, my bro.
263
00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:44,960
Your boy's gonna be leading prayers
round these parts soon, huh?
264
00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:45,960
Come to my next talk.
265
00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:50,960
What can '90s hip-hop
tell us about the Quran?
266
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:52,960
Well...
This Friday, Insha'Allah.
267
00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:54,960
Amazing.
That would explain the kurta.
268
00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:56,960
It's nice, innit?
Mm.
269
00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:58,480
New line of Islamic wear.
270
00:12:58,480 --> 00:13:01,960
Looks more Hounslow High Street
than genuine, Supreme Shafi.
271
00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:02,960
ABDULLA CHUCKLES
272
00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:04,960
SHAFI SUCKS AIR
BETWEEN HIS TEETH
273
00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:06,960
I see you've met my lovely fiancee.
274
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:08,960
Lo... She...?
275
00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:10,160
You two?
That's right.
276
00:13:10,160 --> 00:13:13,960
Do you know what,
I think I'd better... go.
277
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:15,960
OK, yeah.
Don't be late to the talk, yeah?
278
00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:16,960
Friday, y'Allah.
279
00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:19,960
Abdulla!
280
00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:22,960
You're not leaving, are you?
281
00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:25,960
I've been getting marriage offers.
That's nice, Mum, but I'm going...
282
00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:26,960
You're staying!
HE STUTTERS
283
00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:37,960
? When you bite me, baby
284
00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:39,960
? It gets me mad
285
00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:41,960
? Cos, crazy lady... ?
286
00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:44,480
HE GROWLS
? You're the best I've ever had
287
00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:47,960
? So bite me, baby
288
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:50,960
? Baby, just bite me bad
289
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:53,320
? Oh, baby, baby
290
00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:55,960
? Please bite me hard... ?
291
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:56,960
ABDULLA GRUNTS
292
00:13:56,960 --> 00:13:58,960
? I see you looking... ?
MUSIC STOPS
293
00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:03,000
Is that a cape, Abs?
294
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:04,960
Is that weed, Shafi?
295
00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:07,960
ABDULLA SUCKS AIR
BETWEEN HIS TEETH
296
00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:12,960
DANCE MUSIC
IN THE DISTANCE
297
00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:14,960
CHATTERING,
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
298
00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:33,960
THEY LAUGH
299
00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:36,960
Ah, trust you to forget
the Mean Girls rule
300
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:37,960
of Halloween costumes.
301
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:42,960
Don't dress as anything pre-2000?
No! Sexy, not scary!
302
00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:45,160
Well, obviously,
I'm not as shallow as you lot.
303
00:14:45,160 --> 00:14:47,320
Oh, no, you're as deep
as a Pakistani boy
304
00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:49,960
in white face needs to be. Fair.
305
00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:52,960
You made it, man!
Hey, what you drinking?
306
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:54,960
Er, you got a lemonade?
307
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:56,800
OK, I'd better not be
your drinking mate.
308
00:14:56,800 --> 00:14:58,960
Mum's mad enough at me
for skipping Eid.
309
00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:01,960
Chris... where's Amrita?
310
00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:04,960
In that get-up? I don't think
it's happening tonight, mate.
311
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:08,160
CHRIS GUFFAWS
Whoo!
312
00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:10,960
Yeah! I love this party.
313
00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:13,800
POP MUSIC PLAYS
314
00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:15,480
I drink your blood!
315
00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:16,960
HE CACKLES
316
00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:18,000
HE CHUCKLES
317
00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:22,960
Oh, shit! Sorry!
Oi, watch where you're going!
318
00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:24,960
I'm so sorry!
319
00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:26,960
Wh-What is that costume?
320
00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:31,000
What's the problem?
Your costume. You're a colonist.
321
00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:32,960
I'm a 19th century infantryman.
322
00:15:34,160 --> 00:15:36,960
Oh, don't tell me that's
politically incorrect somehow?
323
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:39,960
Oh, quite obviously, actually.
324
00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:41,960
Grow up. It's just a costume.
325
00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:45,960
Who the fuck invited
the investment wanker?
326
00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:47,960
MUSIC STOPS Amy...
327
00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:49,800
What are you doing here?
328
00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:52,800
It's Amrita, Fraser.
Are you serious?
329
00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:54,960
Who told you this was OK?!
330
00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:57,800
Oh, there's nothing offensive
about the British Empire.
331
00:15:57,800 --> 00:15:59,640
SHE SCOFFS
Can you believe this?
332
00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:00,960
Coming from a guy who said
333
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:02,960
he was only attracted
to brown chicks?
334
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:04,960
PEOPLE GASP
I told you that in confidence.
335
00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:06,960
Get the fuck out of here
336
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:08,960
before I call
the political correctness police.
337
00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:09,960
Go on, get!
338
00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:18,640
Well... it doesn't make up
for colonialism,
339
00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:20,000
but it's a start!
340
00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:22,960
WHOOPING
341
00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:25,960
ABDULLA WHOOPS,
MUSIC RESUMES
342
00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:27,960
WOMAN SCREECHES
343
00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:31,960
And, Abs,
or should I say Count Abdulla,
344
00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:35,160
decided to go for
the Islamophobic vampire after all?
345
00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:37,960
Er, you can't talk,
Bride of Frankenstein.
346
00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:39,320
It's not exactly woke,
347
00:16:39,320 --> 00:16:43,960
going as a character whose entire
existence is defined by her husband.
348
00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:46,960
You may as well have gone
as a sexy Handmaid's Tale.
349
00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:49,960
THEY LAUGH
350
00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:51,960
Fine.
351
00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:54,960
So... you came.
352
00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:56,480
I couldn't miss it.
353
00:16:57,960 --> 00:17:00,160
That was amazing, by the way.
354
00:17:00,160 --> 00:17:01,960
Well, what can I say?
355
00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:04,960
Maybe the Bride of Frankenstein's
actually a feminist icon.
356
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:06,960
Er, in the movie, it's more about
pleasuring zombies.
357
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:09,480
No, no, no,
Frankenstein's not a zombie, OK?
358
00:17:09,480 --> 00:17:12,960
You mean Frankenstein's monster.
359
00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:14,960
Fine, you got me.
360
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:18,960
So, you really dated that prick?
361
00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:22,960
Just a white boy phase.
Don't hold it against me.
362
00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:23,960
I'd never.
363
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:27,640
SHE GASPS
It's alive!
364
00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:29,640
It's alive!
365
00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:30,960
HE LAUGHS
Frank! You made it.
366
00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:32,960
HE GROANS
367
00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:34,960
This is Abdulla,
one of my best friends.
368
00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:36,960
Frankenstein's monster, huh?
369
00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:38,960
Er, it's Franken-steen,
thank you very much.
370
00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:42,160
Oh, er, horror fan, too?
Oh, oh, absolutely, bro.
371
00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:44,960
Are you a Bela Lugosi
or Christopher Lee-era Drac?
372
00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:46,960
I didn't think anybody would...
FRANK LAUGHS
373
00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:49,960
Oh, I'm pulling your leg, bro.
Obviously you're Lee. Ha-ha!
374
00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:51,960
But take a look at this one, hey?
375
00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:55,960
Our very own beautiful, empowered,
376
00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:58,320
Punjabi Rani of terror!
377
00:17:58,320 --> 00:17:59,960
FRANK LAUGHS
378
00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:05,960
Guess the white boy phase
isn't over.
379
00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:23,960
HE SIGHS
380
00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:45,960
SHE MUMBLES, SCOFFS
381
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:52,960
WHAT are you wearing?
What?
382
00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:55,960
Don't play dumb with me.
383
00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:58,320
Are you wearing
what I think you're wearing?
384
00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:00,960
I-I-I'm sorry,
I-I don't understand.
385
00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:04,960
Oh! Poor little posh boy
don't understand old Kath.
386
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:08,960
Well, listen here, mate.
I don't think THIS is very funny.
387
00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:10,960
Well, I'm not trying to be funny.
388
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:12,800
I'm trying to be scary.
SHE SCOFFS
389
00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:13,960
That's even worse.
390
00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:15,960
That is a terrible stereotype
you're playing with.
391
00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:17,960
What? It's Halloween.
392
00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:20,160
Every year,
a thousand pricks just like you
393
00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:22,960
think it's OK to parade the streets
dressed as something they're not,
394
00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:24,960
without a single thought
for the peoples
395
00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:26,960
whose culture they appropriate.
396
00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:28,960
Whoa! I'm Count Dracula.
397
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:31,960
It's, like, literally
the most common Halloween costume.
398
00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:33,960
Yeah, but you're not Count Dracula,
are you?
399
00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:35,960
You're not even one of us,
as far as I can tell.
400
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:38,960
What are you on about?
401
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:40,960
You've even painted your face white.
402
00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:43,000
Oh, the cheek! We're not all pale!
403
00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:45,960
And plastic fucking fangs.
404
00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:46,960
Doesn't get more offensive
than this!
405
00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:48,960
Give that back.
406
00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:52,640
What the hell is your problem?
407
00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:53,960
My problem is dickheads like you
408
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:55,960
dragging good vampires
through the dirt.
409
00:19:55,960 --> 00:19:57,960
Oh... fuck right off!
410
00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:05,000
HE GRUNTS
411
00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:07,160
HE GROANS
412
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:22,960
Shit!
413
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:24,960
SHE GASPS
414
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:25,960
Shit!
415
00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:28,960
Not the teeth, Kathy.
Never the fucking teeth!
416
00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:31,800
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
417
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:49,960
That's it.
418
00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:02,960
HE GASPS
419
00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:10,960
HE GROANS
420
00:21:12,640 --> 00:21:14,000
HE GASPS
421
00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:38,960
Jesus Christ!
422
00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:40,480
HE GASPS
423
00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:42,960
I mean... Hai Allah!
424
00:21:45,160 --> 00:21:48,960
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425
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