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1
00:00:04,045 --> 00:00:05,130
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
2
00:00:05,213 --> 00:00:07,132
NARRATOR: Previously,
on a very special Clone High.
3
00:00:07,215 --> 00:00:09,300
The clones resolved
their differences
4
00:00:09,384 --> 00:00:11,344
and achieved perfect
friend-group harmony.
5
00:00:11,428 --> 00:00:13,263
Literally, everyone's
doing great
6
00:00:13,304 --> 00:00:15,306
and Abe Lincoln
even found a girlfriend.
7
00:00:15,390 --> 00:00:16,933
That's all well
and good for them,
8
00:00:16,975 --> 00:00:18,601
but I live for the drama.
9
00:00:18,643 --> 00:00:20,687
I got no tea to spill--
(GRUNTING)
10
00:00:20,770 --> 00:00:22,147
Of course,
as soon as I say that
11
00:00:22,188 --> 00:00:24,983
I spill tea all over my lap.
Ah, fuck!
12
00:00:25,066 --> 00:00:26,484
I just washed these pants.
13
00:00:28,695 --> 00:00:30,405
(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
14
00:00:34,409 --> 00:00:36,202
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
15
00:00:36,286 --> 00:00:39,497
-JOAN OF ARC: Hey, Abe.
-Oh, hey, neighbor slash BFF.
16
00:00:39,539 --> 00:00:41,583
Your hair is so freshly tousled.
17
00:00:41,666 --> 00:00:44,336
Let me guess, you just got back
from a date with Mary?
18
00:00:44,377 --> 00:00:46,671
I know we've only been together
for two weeks,
19
00:00:46,713 --> 00:00:49,007
but I told her
those three little words.
20
00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:50,175
You did?
21
00:00:50,258 --> 00:00:53,803
-I'm a virgin.
-(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
22
00:00:53,845 --> 00:00:55,305
I really think she's the one.
23
00:00:55,347 --> 00:00:56,681
Well, as your best friend,
24
00:00:56,723 --> 00:00:59,309
I need to dig a little deeper
for confirmation.
25
00:00:59,351 --> 00:01:01,519
I mean,
would you do anything for her?
26
00:01:01,603 --> 00:01:04,022
Definitely.
I'd sacrifice anything.
27
00:01:04,063 --> 00:01:08,026
My credit score,
my dignity, my virginity.
28
00:01:08,109 --> 00:01:10,862
Actually, virginity
is number one on that list.
29
00:01:10,945 --> 00:01:12,739
That's sweet.
30
00:01:12,822 --> 00:01:15,784
But, would you hold a kitten
in a bag in a river for her?
31
00:01:15,867 --> 00:01:17,369
-Yes!
-Would you take her to the prom
32
00:01:17,410 --> 00:01:18,703
if she was only a head?
33
00:01:18,787 --> 00:01:20,205
-Yes!
-Would you sit with her parents
34
00:01:20,246 --> 00:01:21,831
-at her beginners' improv show?
-Of course.
35
00:01:21,873 --> 00:01:24,751
But would you still do
all that for her
36
00:01:24,834 --> 00:01:27,045
if she were a sea turtle?
37
00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:28,420
Shell yeah.
38
00:01:28,505 --> 00:01:32,676
Wow! Your girlfriend
is best friend approved!
39
00:01:32,717 --> 00:01:35,178
I can already see you two
becoming festies.
40
00:01:35,220 --> 00:01:38,014
-Fast besties? Really?
-Of course!
41
00:01:38,056 --> 00:01:40,140
Is there any better foundation
for a friendship
42
00:01:40,225 --> 00:01:42,227
between two girls
than a deep connection
43
00:01:42,310 --> 00:01:44,437
-to the same guy?
-Um...
44
00:01:44,521 --> 00:01:46,815
I'll bring her
to lunch tomorrow. You'll see.
45
00:01:46,898 --> 00:01:49,109
-(BOTH MOAN, SMOOCH)
-(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
46
00:01:50,735 --> 00:01:55,198
-(GRUNTS, MOANS)
-I guess, I was done with that?
47
00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:58,118
-(ABE LINCOLN CHEWING)
-(MARY MOANS)
48
00:01:58,201 --> 00:02:00,829
(BOTH GRUNT, MOAN)
49
00:02:00,912 --> 00:02:02,664
-(MOANS, CHUCKLES)
-(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
50
00:02:02,747 --> 00:02:07,210
Baby, meet me outside to help me
study for AP Foreign Tongues.
51
00:02:07,252 --> 00:02:08,752
(LAUGHS)
52
00:02:08,794 --> 00:02:12,257
Uh, she means French kissing.
(CHUCKLES) Isn't she clever?
53
00:02:12,298 --> 00:02:14,926
(LAUGHS EMPHATICALLY)
I, er, uh, am totally fine
54
00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:17,846
with someone else doing
sexy puns! Fine with me!
55
00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:20,098
(CLONES SIGH)
56
00:02:20,181 --> 00:02:22,100
Hey, we need
to be supportive here.
57
00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:24,436
It can't be easy for Mary
to jump into
58
00:02:24,477 --> 00:02:25,895
a new friend group like this.
59
00:02:25,937 --> 00:02:29,107
And Abe really likes her,
so let's make her feel welcome.
60
00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:31,401
Hold on,
we don't even know this girl.
61
00:02:31,443 --> 00:02:34,279
Sure, she's manic and pixie-like
and Abe's absolute dream girl,
62
00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:36,781
but there's gotta be more
to the story.
63
00:02:36,865 --> 00:02:39,117
As the new editor in chief
of the school newspaper,
64
00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:42,787
-it's my job to find it.
-There's no story here.
65
00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:44,414
We're all gonna get along
with Mary
66
00:02:44,456 --> 00:02:45,915
and Mary's gonna
get along with us,
67
00:02:45,957 --> 00:02:49,085
-and we're gonna be
one big happy family. -(RECORDER BEEPS)
68
00:02:49,127 --> 00:02:51,796
Why do you wanna be friends
with Mary so bad, Joan?
69
00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:54,632
What's your angle here?
It's all about the angles, see?
70
00:02:54,674 --> 00:02:57,302
And something tells me you've
got more than a protractor.
71
00:02:57,344 --> 00:02:59,471
Ooh, that's good.
Ooh, yay, I recorded it.
72
00:02:59,512 --> 00:03:02,057
Look, if we're mean to Mary
that could push Abe away.
73
00:03:02,140 --> 00:03:03,933
We're all finally
in a good place with each other
74
00:03:03,975 --> 00:03:06,019
and I just don't want things
to fall apart again.
75
00:03:06,102 --> 00:03:08,146
Focus up and help Mary fit in!
76
00:03:09,981 --> 00:03:11,733
-(RECORDER BEEPS)
-Where was she going?
77
00:03:11,816 --> 00:03:14,444
There were still 15 minutes
left in the lunch period.
78
00:03:14,486 --> 00:03:17,655
Joan quickly realized
her mistake and sat back down.
79
00:03:19,616 --> 00:03:21,409
("CLONE HIGH THEME SONG"
BY ABANDONED POOLS PLAYING) ♪
80
00:03:21,493 --> 00:03:22,827
Way, way back in the 1980s ♪
81
00:03:22,869 --> 00:03:28,458
Secret government employees
Dug up famous guys and ladies ♪
82
00:03:28,500 --> 00:03:31,336
And made amusing
Genetic copies ♪
83
00:03:31,419 --> 00:03:34,297
Then the clones as teens
Were frozen ♪
84
00:03:34,339 --> 00:03:37,216
Thawed out decades later
Why? ♪
85
00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:40,136
Back for reasons
They’re not disclosin’ ♪
86
00:03:40,178 --> 00:03:46,351
Giving high school
Another try ♪
87
00:03:46,393 --> 00:03:52,190
It’s time to watch
Clone High ♪
88
00:03:52,273 --> 00:03:57,779
Energetic and engaging
Clone High ♪
89
00:03:57,862 --> 00:04:04,744
Our angst is entertaining
Clone High ♪
90
00:04:06,955 --> 00:04:09,207
(SONG CONCLUDES) ♪
91
00:04:09,290 --> 00:04:14,045
(PRINCIPAL SCUDWORTH AND
MR. BUTLERTON SINGING "SYMPHONY NO. 5" BY BEETHOVEN)
92
00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:22,262
-Cinnamon! You idiot!
-What? I'm nailing this.
93
00:04:22,345 --> 00:04:24,055
I just looked
at the clone manifest.
94
00:04:24,139 --> 00:04:26,599
You haven't made
a single new clone since 2012.
95
00:04:26,683 --> 00:04:29,060
We've got extras
in the freezer, remember?
96
00:04:29,144 --> 00:04:30,729
Yeah, but no good ones.
97
00:04:30,812 --> 00:04:33,398
You need to start harvesting
new clones at once.
98
00:04:33,481 --> 00:04:35,066
Look, Candide, I'll be honest.
99
00:04:35,150 --> 00:04:37,068
Making clones
is backbreaking work.
100
00:04:37,152 --> 00:04:38,445
There's the digging up
the graves,
101
00:04:38,528 --> 00:04:39,654
getting into the coffins,
102
00:04:39,738 --> 00:04:42,365
extracting DNA from the dead
historical figures.
103
00:04:42,407 --> 00:04:44,367
Filling the graves back up.
104
00:04:44,409 --> 00:04:46,578
Filling the graves back up!
Thank you, Mr. B.
105
00:04:46,661 --> 00:04:49,539
And you gotta do all of this
in the middle of the night,
106
00:04:49,581 --> 00:04:51,666
which, I'm sorry,
but I have a bedtime.
107
00:04:51,750 --> 00:04:55,920
-Scudworth, get me new clones!
-Oh, boy!
108
00:04:56,004 --> 00:04:58,590
Looks like we're getting back
in the saddle, Mr. B.
109
00:04:58,631 --> 00:05:01,426
Yee-haw! Time to dust off
110
00:05:01,509 --> 00:05:05,555
the supersecret
DNA-extracting lab equipment.
111
00:05:05,597 --> 00:05:08,350
-Gear me up!
-(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
112
00:05:08,433 --> 00:05:10,602
SCUDWORTH:
Shovel! Gloves! Mud boots!
113
00:05:10,685 --> 00:05:13,146
Lifting belt!
Trail mix sans raisins!
114
00:05:13,229 --> 00:05:15,523
Headlamp! Butt lamp!
Crotch lamp!
115
00:05:16,274 --> 00:05:18,985
Let's get busy--
(GRUNTS) Cramps!
116
00:05:19,069 --> 00:05:22,238
-(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
-(GRUNTS)
117
00:05:22,280 --> 00:05:24,115
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
118
00:05:24,199 --> 00:05:27,327
Hey, turds, you guys wanna do
some locker room talk?
119
00:05:27,410 --> 00:05:28,620
-Hell yeah!
-(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
120
00:05:28,661 --> 00:05:30,747
(CHUCKLES)
You know it, my dudes!
121
00:05:30,830 --> 00:05:32,624
And I, too, can join in
122
00:05:32,665 --> 00:05:35,126
now that I have
a living human girlfriend.
123
00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:37,128
Might not be long
until I join JFK
124
00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:39,339
in the "people who have
made love at least once" club.
125
00:05:39,422 --> 00:05:41,758
You'd be joining me
in that club too, A-Train.
126
00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:44,969
Wait, you're not flying
Virgin Airlines, Confucius?
127
00:05:45,053 --> 00:05:46,554
I leggo my virgo
a couple years ago
128
00:05:46,638 --> 00:05:48,139
to our chauffeur's daughter
once removed.
129
00:05:50,225 --> 00:05:52,352
Our chauffeur has a chauffeur
and I did it with her.
130
00:05:52,435 --> 00:05:53,812
Well, then I'll be
in rarefied air
131
00:05:53,895 --> 00:05:56,231
-with the two of you.
-(GEORGE WASHINGTON CARVER CLEARS THROAT)
132
00:05:56,314 --> 00:05:59,150
ABE: George Washington Carver?
You got your peanut shelled?
133
00:05:59,234 --> 00:06:00,652
-Indeed.
-(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
134
00:06:00,735 --> 00:06:02,529
-Ditto over here.
-Topher?
135
00:06:02,612 --> 00:06:04,364
I'm bad at it, but I've done it.
136
00:06:04,447 --> 00:06:05,740
Not a virgin, bro.
137
00:06:05,824 --> 00:06:07,367
They don't call me Peenie
for nothing!
138
00:06:07,450 --> 00:06:09,077
-I do sex.
-Wait.
139
00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:13,415
So, I'm stranded on
the Virgin Islands by myself?
140
00:06:13,498 --> 00:06:14,791
(MUSIC INTENSIFIES) ♪
141
00:06:14,833 --> 00:06:16,376
-(GROANS)
-(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
142
00:06:16,459 --> 00:06:18,837
It's okay, buddy. It'll happen
when the time is right.
143
00:06:18,878 --> 00:06:20,797
And with the right person.
144
00:06:20,839 --> 00:06:23,091
Or a trio
of open-minded cousins.
145
00:06:23,174 --> 00:06:25,301
Mary's my person,
I just know it.
146
00:06:25,343 --> 00:06:27,303
Besides, I don't have
many other choices.
147
00:06:27,345 --> 00:06:28,638
Look at this.
148
00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:32,808
"We, the girls of Clone High,
are not attracted to Abe."
149
00:06:32,851 --> 00:06:35,353
Damn, that's a lot
of signatures.
150
00:06:35,437 --> 00:06:36,896
And they notarized it.
151
00:06:36,980 --> 00:06:39,816
Well, I guess
if Mary makes you happy, man.
152
00:06:39,858 --> 00:06:42,193
-That makes us happy, man.
-Oh, yeah.
153
00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:45,697
We'll be supes happy for you
and Mary doing the intercourse.
154
00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:46,781
Thanks, guys.
155
00:06:48,199 --> 00:06:51,077
-Hey, nice penis, Confucius.
-Thank you.
156
00:06:51,161 --> 00:06:54,247
-(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(OWLS HOOTING)
157
00:06:57,751 --> 00:06:59,711
(CARTOON TIPTOEING)
158
00:07:03,923 --> 00:07:05,717
(CARTOON TIPTOEING)
159
00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:07,761
I told you snooping
on Mary would lead
160
00:07:07,844 --> 00:07:08,970
somewhere interesting.
161
00:07:09,054 --> 00:07:11,389
What could she be doing
in the cemetery at night?
162
00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:13,224
We're not snooping,
we're friend-making.
163
00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:15,101
And lots of people hang
in cemeteries at night.
164
00:07:15,185 --> 00:07:18,396
Like for film screenings
or for film screenings.
165
00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:19,731
This sucks.
166
00:07:19,814 --> 00:07:21,983
Frida, why did you wanna
come here?
167
00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:23,902
I didn't wanna come,
I thought you wanted to come.
168
00:07:23,985 --> 00:07:27,530
-Oh, my God. We're the worst.
-I'm just gonna go say hi.
169
00:07:27,572 --> 00:07:30,408
-Hey, Mary. Whazap?
-(MUSIC FADES) ♪
170
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:32,534
You here for a film screening
like us?
171
00:07:32,577 --> 00:07:33,870
No.
172
00:07:33,912 --> 00:07:35,330
So, what brings you
to the cemetery,
173
00:07:35,413 --> 00:07:37,415
if you don't mind me asking?
On the record.
174
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:40,251
Just visiting loved ones.
175
00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:42,420
Look how many flowers
she's putting down.
176
00:07:42,504 --> 00:07:45,924
Maybe she has a big family.
Like, a big dead family.
177
00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:49,094
There's got to be something
juicy here! I'm goin' in.
178
00:07:50,679 --> 00:07:52,430
-(CAMERA CLICKS)
-(GASPS)
179
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:54,140
I didn't say
you could take my picture.
180
00:07:54,224 --> 00:07:56,267
(OMINOUS MUSIC RESUMES) ♪
181
00:07:56,308 --> 00:07:57,602
(GASPS) What?
182
00:07:57,644 --> 00:07:59,896
Why did you do--
How did you do that?
183
00:07:59,938 --> 00:08:03,942
I don't like pictures.
184
00:08:03,983 --> 00:08:05,944
-(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
-No, no, no. We're sorry.
185
00:08:05,985 --> 00:08:08,279
We want to be your friend.
Right, guys?
186
00:08:08,363 --> 00:08:10,115
I-- I mean,
I'm definitely not terrified.
187
00:08:10,156 --> 00:08:12,367
-Us, you, friend.
-Very much friend.
188
00:08:13,368 --> 00:08:15,203
We know how much Abe likes you,
189
00:08:15,286 --> 00:08:18,289
and we just wanna make sure
you feel comfortable around us
190
00:08:18,373 --> 00:08:20,457
since we're a big part
of his life.
191
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:24,045
Me, being the biggest part
of his life as his best friend.
192
00:08:24,129 --> 00:08:27,549
Okay. I see what this is.
193
00:08:27,632 --> 00:08:29,384
Okay, good.
We're getting somewhere.
194
00:08:29,467 --> 00:08:31,678
You're in love with Abe.
195
00:08:31,761 --> 00:08:32,971
-(DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING) ♪
-What?
196
00:08:33,054 --> 00:08:35,015
Oh, my God. That's totally why
you're doing this.
197
00:08:35,097 --> 00:08:36,390
I can't believe I didn't see it!
198
00:08:36,474 --> 00:08:39,477
-Yup, now it makes sense.
-Joan, you tricky slut.
199
00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:43,148
No, Abe and I are just friends!
Nothing more, nothing less.
200
00:08:43,188 --> 00:08:46,985
That's what we've always been
and that's what we'll always be!
201
00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:48,486
We can't be friends anymore.
202
00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:50,447
-I'm sorry, Joan.
-Wait, what?
203
00:08:50,488 --> 00:08:52,991
Mary said it's clear
that you "like me" like me.
204
00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:54,951
-So, we can't hang.
-(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
205
00:08:54,993 --> 00:08:57,537
-Like, at all.
-It's really obvious.
206
00:08:57,620 --> 00:08:59,497
-(BOTH MOAN, SMOOCH)
-(GROANS)
207
00:09:01,332 --> 00:09:03,793
But I don't, like,
"like you" like you.
208
00:09:03,835 --> 00:09:06,546
-I'm with Confucius!
-I brought pizza!
209
00:09:06,629 --> 00:09:10,800
You're just my male best friend,
as you have been for years!
210
00:09:10,842 --> 00:09:11,885
Come on, Abe!
211
00:09:11,968 --> 00:09:13,720
You know, I'm starting to think
that maybe having
212
00:09:13,803 --> 00:09:15,930
a girl best friend
is a big reason why
213
00:09:16,014 --> 00:09:18,058
I'm the only guy at school
who's still a virgin.
214
00:09:18,141 --> 00:09:20,185
A friend isn't
what I need right now, Joan.
215
00:09:20,268 --> 00:09:21,311
I need a lover.
216
00:09:22,187 --> 00:09:26,358
-(GASPS)
-Sorry, but this is goodbye.
217
00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:28,568
(SOMBER MUSIC FADES) ♪
218
00:09:31,988 --> 00:09:37,243
Stupid friggin' cords! (GROANS)
219
00:09:40,205 --> 00:09:43,208
(SOMBER MUSIC
RESUMES, CONCLUDES) ♪
220
00:09:43,249 --> 00:09:46,795
I've tried calling Abe,
DM'ing him, snapping at him.
221
00:09:46,878 --> 00:09:48,880
I even sent a messenger pigeon.
222
00:09:48,963 --> 00:09:51,883
And now, the messenger pigeon
isn't even talking to me!
223
00:09:51,966 --> 00:09:54,302
-(SQUAWKS)
-It just talks at me.
224
00:09:54,386 --> 00:09:56,930
I can't believe Mary's
keeping us apart!
225
00:09:57,013 --> 00:09:58,765
Why do you wanna talk
to Abe so bad, Joan?
226
00:09:58,848 --> 00:10:00,266
-'Cause you like him?
-(RECORDER BEEPS)
227
00:10:00,350 --> 00:10:02,560
-No.
-Mary seems to think so.
228
00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:04,562
Yeah. Well, who is Mary anyway?
229
00:10:04,646 --> 00:10:08,525
She's definitely not as manic
and pixie-like as we thought.
230
00:10:08,566 --> 00:10:09,901
And who was she cloned from?
231
00:10:09,984 --> 00:10:11,569
She's never even
said her last name
232
00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:13,571
and there's like
a million Marys from history.
233
00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:15,240
-That's a good point.
-HARRIET TUBMAN: Interesting.
234
00:10:15,323 --> 00:10:17,367
I don't know any Marys
from history.
235
00:10:17,409 --> 00:10:19,411
-(DOOR OPENING)
-Oh, don't mind me.
236
00:10:19,494 --> 00:10:21,246
I am definitely not here
printing out
237
00:10:21,329 --> 00:10:24,874
a list of nearby gravesites home
to untapped historical figures.
238
00:10:24,916 --> 00:10:25,917
Oh, Scudworth!
239
00:10:26,001 --> 00:10:28,545
We were just wondering
who Mary was cloned from.
240
00:10:28,586 --> 00:10:29,921
-Mary?
-Yeah.
241
00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:31,506
Is she like Mary Queen of Scots,
242
00:10:31,548 --> 00:10:34,801
Mary Tudor, Mary Shelley,
Mary Todd Lincoln?
243
00:10:34,884 --> 00:10:36,594
Oh, that would be clever,
wouldn't it?
244
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:38,430
If I cloned
Abe Lincoln's actual wife
245
00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:41,558
and didn't tell anyone and just
set her loose in the school.
246
00:10:41,599 --> 00:10:42,934
Well, that makes sense.
247
00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:45,937
Yeah, that's not what I did.
Oh, you silly clones.
248
00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:47,856
I've never cloned a Mary.
249
00:10:47,939 --> 00:10:51,443
My sister's name is Mary,
and she is human garbage.
250
00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:55,030
And speaking of human garbage,
I am off to the cemetery!
251
00:10:55,113 --> 00:10:56,948
Mr. Scuddleworth
never cloned a Mary?
252
00:10:57,032 --> 00:11:00,368
-Who the eff is she then?
-Oh, we're gonna find out.
253
00:11:00,452 --> 00:11:02,996
(GASPS) Oh, my God. This is it!
This is my story!
254
00:11:03,079 --> 00:11:04,330
I can be the next Gayle King!
255
00:11:04,414 --> 00:11:08,293
Or the next, um-- Um...
There's not a lot of famous
256
00:11:08,376 --> 00:11:10,962
Black female investigative
reporters, are there?
257
00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:12,422
-Uh, Gwen Ifill?
-Oh, Gwen Ifill!
258
00:11:12,464 --> 00:11:14,466
I knew that, I was just
about to say Gwen Ifill.
259
00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:15,967
I was about to say it!
260
00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:18,470
Okay. Let's go,
I can't listen to this.
261
00:11:18,553 --> 00:11:21,639
(BOTH MOAN, SMOOCH)
262
00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,516
Hey, Mare. Do you think ending
my friendship
263
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,935
with Joan forever
was maybe a bit too harsh?
264
00:11:26,978 --> 00:11:28,646
I've been thinking, too, Abe.
265
00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:32,609
And I think tonight is the night
that I'm finally ready
266
00:11:32,650 --> 00:11:37,322
to have sex with you! (LAUGHS)
That is what you want, right?
267
00:11:37,405 --> 00:11:39,074
Yes. Absolutely. Joan who?
268
00:11:39,157 --> 00:11:41,159
Who needs friends
when I have Mary?
269
00:11:41,242 --> 00:11:45,872
And soon you shall have me
and I'll have you.
270
00:11:45,955 --> 00:11:47,707
(KISSES, CHUCKLES)
271
00:11:47,790 --> 00:11:50,585
See you tonight
at our usual place.
272
00:11:50,669 --> 00:11:52,671
-(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Yes!
273
00:11:54,923 --> 00:11:57,425
A High School Musical
mid-air jump for joy?
274
00:11:57,509 --> 00:12:00,679
-What's up, Abe?
-It's Mary.
275
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,055
Sorry. Here you go.
276
00:12:02,138 --> 00:12:04,349
-(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
-It's Mary! We're gonna do it!
277
00:12:04,391 --> 00:12:07,268
Tonight!
The sex! Real sex!
278
00:12:07,352 --> 00:12:11,523
I've dreamed of this moment
since I was a tall, horny child.
279
00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:15,276
This is a big moment.
Losing my virginity changed me.
280
00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:17,987
I made my first sex pun
that day,
281
00:12:18,029 --> 00:12:21,199
and ever since it's formed
my whole personality.
282
00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:23,702
(LAUGHS) I said "hole." (LAUGHS)
283
00:12:23,785 --> 00:12:26,246
Let's get you ready!
Where are you gonna do it?
284
00:12:26,329 --> 00:12:31,209
The sexiest place in the world,
the cemetery!
285
00:12:31,251 --> 00:12:35,005
(OMINOUS MUSICAL STING) ♪
286
00:12:35,046 --> 00:12:36,256
-What?
-No, nothing.
287
00:12:36,339 --> 00:12:38,550
-Yeah. Congrats.
-Cemetery sex is very normal.
288
00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:40,552
Hope she gives good headstone.
289
00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:42,012
(CHUCKLES) Thanks, fellas.
290
00:12:42,053 --> 00:12:44,472
Maybe I'll dig a little grave
and put my virginity in it.
291
00:12:44,556 --> 00:12:45,682
-(LAUGHS)
-Er, uh.
292
00:12:45,724 --> 00:12:48,184
-Hey, that's a good one.
-Cemetery sex is very normal!
293
00:12:49,477 --> 00:12:52,564
-(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(HUMS)
294
00:12:56,067 --> 00:12:57,777
(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
295
00:12:57,861 --> 00:12:59,696
Wow! She doesn't
even lock her door.
296
00:12:59,738 --> 00:13:01,740
No Ring camera, either?
297
00:13:01,823 --> 00:13:03,491
She's just trying
to get kidnapped, huh?
298
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:06,411
JOAN: Whoa. So many mirrors.
299
00:13:08,705 --> 00:13:10,749
(SCOFFS) The amount of Windex
you have to use
300
00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:12,250
to keep these clean.
301
00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:17,088
-(GASPS)
-Bruh. What in the world?
302
00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:21,968
CLEOPATRA: "Wall of virgins
I've had sex with?"
303
00:13:22,052 --> 00:13:23,887
I hate that font. (SCOFFS)
304
00:13:23,928 --> 00:13:26,765
And what are these?
Affirmations? Pathetic.
305
00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:31,227
JOAN: "You can do it, Mary."
"Go have cemetery sex with Abe."
306
00:13:31,269 --> 00:13:33,772
Ew. "Who cares
if they call you Bloody."
307
00:13:33,855 --> 00:13:36,232
"Don't forget
to unplug the air fryer."
308
00:13:36,274 --> 00:13:37,817
Wait. "Call you Bloody"?
309
00:13:37,901 --> 00:13:42,781
-Uh. Gals...
-Wait. No. It-- It can't be.
310
00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:47,494
That's our sleepover night.
That must mean... (GASPS)
311
00:13:47,577 --> 00:13:48,912
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
312
00:13:48,953 --> 00:13:52,248
Guys...
I don't think she's just "Mary."
313
00:13:52,290 --> 00:13:55,585
I think she's Bloody Mary!
314
00:13:55,627 --> 00:13:57,545
But she went back in the mirror!
315
00:13:57,629 --> 00:13:59,464
Wait, what sleepover was this?
316
00:13:59,547 --> 00:14:00,674
We left you out of that one.
317
00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:03,176
-Right, you weren't invited.
-Persona non grata.
318
00:14:03,259 --> 00:14:05,428
JOAN: So what happened was,
we summoned Bloody Mary
319
00:14:05,470 --> 00:14:07,889
and let her
out of the mirror dimension.
320
00:14:07,972 --> 00:14:10,809
FRIDA KAHLO:
She was hella chill. We had a great time.
321
00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:12,644
HARRIET: Then she hopped back
in the mirror dimension
322
00:14:12,686 --> 00:14:14,354
and we said goodbye forever.
323
00:14:14,437 --> 00:14:16,690
-JOAN: Or so we thought.
-(SCREAMS)
324
00:14:17,816 --> 00:14:19,943
-What is she doing here?
-It says here.
325
00:14:19,984 --> 00:14:21,986
"Bloody Mary is a demon
that emerges after you look
326
00:14:22,070 --> 00:14:23,655
in a mirror
and say her name three times."
327
00:14:23,697 --> 00:14:24,781
'Kay. Yup. Check.
328
00:14:24,823 --> 00:14:26,032
That was totally us. Okay.
329
00:14:26,116 --> 00:14:28,827
"Bloody Mary then appears
and preys on virgin boys
330
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:30,245
-to have sex with them..."
-(GASPS)
331
00:14:30,328 --> 00:14:32,205
HARRIET: "...in order
to steal their life force and remain youthful.
332
00:14:32,288 --> 00:14:34,457
The only way to force
a stubborn Bloody Mary back
333
00:14:34,499 --> 00:14:36,084
into the mirror dimension
is to say 'please.'
334
00:14:36,167 --> 00:14:38,044
Just kidding, you gotta stand
in front of her
335
00:14:38,128 --> 00:14:41,297
and say 'Bloody Mary'
6,969 times!
336
00:14:41,339 --> 00:14:43,341
If you liked that--" Oh!
"I'd really appreciate it
337
00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:45,468
if you donate to my page."
God damn.
338
00:14:45,510 --> 00:14:47,679
Confucius said Abe
was going to the cemetery
339
00:14:47,762 --> 00:14:49,014
with Mary tonight!
340
00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:50,306
She's not just toxic,
341
00:14:50,348 --> 00:14:53,143
she's a monster who's gonna try
and kill my best friend!
342
00:14:53,184 --> 00:14:56,813
Or suck him dry,
literally and figuratively!
343
00:14:56,855 --> 00:14:57,981
Let's grab the others.
344
00:14:58,023 --> 00:15:00,316
We have to stop her
before it's too late!
345
00:15:00,358 --> 00:15:01,818
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
346
00:15:01,860 --> 00:15:05,363
So just to clarify,
am I invited to this?
347
00:15:05,447 --> 00:15:07,449
-Very funny, babe.
-Just come on!
348
00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:10,660
(SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
349
00:15:10,702 --> 00:15:17,208
(GRUNTS, GROANS)
350
00:15:17,292 --> 00:15:20,045
-(GRUNTS)
-You can do it.
351
00:15:20,086 --> 00:15:23,048
Shut up! I know I can do it.
Just let me concentrate.
352
00:15:23,089 --> 00:15:26,718
Please, Mama.
Maybe if I just... (SCREAMS)
353
00:15:26,801 --> 00:15:29,346
Come on. (GRUNTS, SCREAMS)
354
00:15:29,387 --> 00:15:34,184
Still got it! Eat shit, fence!
Cloney babies, here we come!
355
00:15:37,062 --> 00:15:38,855
(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
356
00:15:38,897 --> 00:15:41,900
(ABE VOCALIZING)
357
00:15:41,983 --> 00:15:43,902
-JOAN: Abe!
-Oh, hey guys!
358
00:15:43,985 --> 00:15:45,236
Thanks for coming
to cheer me on,
359
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:47,280
but I'm not sure
if Mary wants an audience.
360
00:15:47,364 --> 00:15:50,075
Mary is a demon who wants
to have sex with you
361
00:15:50,116 --> 00:15:53,370
to steal your soul
and stay young forever!
362
00:15:53,411 --> 00:15:55,705
What? Joan! You're ruining
what is clearly
363
00:15:55,747 --> 00:15:57,290
a very romantic moment!
364
00:15:57,374 --> 00:16:00,085
Abe, my eyebrow doesn't
just freak out over nothing!
365
00:16:00,168 --> 00:16:03,838
This is real!
Your girl Mary is Bloody Mary.
366
00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:05,840
And by the way,
I want first bite at the story.
367
00:16:05,924 --> 00:16:07,133
So if Dateline comes
sniffing around,
368
00:16:07,217 --> 00:16:08,718
just tell 'em
I have an exclusive, yeah?
369
00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:12,597
MARY: Well, well, well.
What do we have here?
370
00:16:12,681 --> 00:16:13,932
(CHUCKLES) Nothing!
371
00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:17,394
Uh, my friends were just leaving
so we can have sex.
372
00:16:17,435 --> 00:16:19,062
They mistakenly thought
that you were
373
00:16:19,104 --> 00:16:22,148
the soul-sucking demon,
Bloody Mary. (LAUGHS)
374
00:16:22,565 --> 00:16:23,942
That's funny.
375
00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:26,111
Because I am!
376
00:16:26,194 --> 00:16:28,446
-(CLONES SCREAM)
-(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
377
00:16:29,823 --> 00:16:31,449
You know what?
Not a deal-breaker.
378
00:16:31,533 --> 00:16:35,286
-But it will kill you, Abe!
-People die all the time, Joan!
379
00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:38,581
Joan is just jealous
and she wants you to herself.
380
00:16:38,623 --> 00:16:40,583
Will people please
stop saying that?
381
00:16:40,625 --> 00:16:42,460
-I'm with Confucius!
-Hi!
382
00:16:42,544 --> 00:16:44,796
We're here
so you don't die, Abe!
383
00:16:44,879 --> 00:16:47,590
Can't you see
this relationship is toxic?
384
00:16:47,632 --> 00:16:49,300
Of course,
I can't see that Joan.
385
00:16:49,342 --> 00:16:51,136
I'm off-the-charts
horny right now!
386
00:16:51,177 --> 00:16:52,595
Okay, guys, come on.
387
00:16:52,637 --> 00:16:57,142
Remember what we have to do
to stop her! 6,969 times!
388
00:16:57,225 --> 00:17:00,186
CLONES: (CHANTING)
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary...
389
00:17:00,270 --> 00:17:01,938
-(GROANS)
-Mary, No!
390
00:17:01,980 --> 00:17:05,858
As much as I want you
to lose it, buddy, Mary sucks.
391
00:17:05,942 --> 00:17:07,402
And not in a good way.
392
00:17:07,484 --> 00:17:10,320
She blows.
Also not in a good way.
393
00:17:10,405 --> 00:17:13,532
CLONES: (CHANTING)
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary...
394
00:17:13,616 --> 00:17:16,661
Stop trying
to lock my snatch latch.
395
00:17:16,703 --> 00:17:21,915
Perhaps my loved ones
can buy some time. (LAUGHS)
396
00:17:21,958 --> 00:17:25,211
CLONES: (CHANTING)
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary,
397
00:17:25,295 --> 00:17:27,130
Bloody Mary.
398
00:17:27,172 --> 00:17:29,674
Oh, no! All the graves
she put flowers on.
399
00:17:29,758 --> 00:17:31,009
Those must be her exes!
400
00:17:31,092 --> 00:17:34,012
Flowers for the guys
she de-flowered. I get it.
401
00:17:34,095 --> 00:17:35,680
-(BOTH SCREAM)
-(GROWLS)
402
00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:39,392
-We gotta stop them!
-(SKELETONS GROWL)
403
00:17:39,476 --> 00:17:40,769
Oh, my God!
404
00:17:40,852 --> 00:17:44,939
I think she's had sex with more
people than me! (SCREAMS)
405
00:17:45,023 --> 00:17:46,858
SCUDWORTH:
Why is this taking so long?
406
00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:48,902
This has to be six feet by now!
407
00:17:51,321 --> 00:17:55,617
I can't do this anymore.
This grave is for me.
408
00:17:55,700 --> 00:17:57,243
Oh, Mr. B, let's face it,
409
00:17:57,327 --> 00:17:59,329
grave robbing
is a young man's game,
410
00:17:59,371 --> 00:18:01,498
and you and I are two old farts.
411
00:18:01,539 --> 00:18:04,876
I wish these dumb bodies
could simply dig themselves up!
412
00:18:04,918 --> 00:18:07,545
-(BOTH SCREAM)
-(GROWLS)
413
00:18:07,629 --> 00:18:09,714
CLONES: (CHANTING)
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary,
414
00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:14,177
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary,
415
00:18:14,219 --> 00:18:16,012
-Bloody Mary.
-(GROANS)
416
00:18:16,054 --> 00:18:17,472
CLONES:
(CHANTING) Bloody Mary....
417
00:18:17,555 --> 00:18:19,724
There's too many ex-lovers!
But-- (CHUCKLES)
418
00:18:19,766 --> 00:18:21,685
Check this guy out.
He doesn't even have a head.
419
00:18:21,726 --> 00:18:24,646
My shin! He's treating it
like a corn cob!
420
00:18:24,729 --> 00:18:27,857
-CLONES: Bloody Mary.
-(SCREAMS, GASPS)
421
00:18:27,899 --> 00:18:30,902
Wait, these skeletons
are all teen boys, right?
422
00:18:30,985 --> 00:18:32,862
-(SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-CLEO: Yoo-hoo. I'm feeling
423
00:18:32,904 --> 00:18:38,076
so lonely
and yet so sexually experienced!
424
00:18:38,118 --> 00:18:41,496
(GASPS, GROWLS)
425
00:18:43,415 --> 00:18:46,835
Cleo, you gorgeous bitch.
You've done it again.
426
00:18:46,918 --> 00:18:48,545
-(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
-Let's finish this!
427
00:18:48,586 --> 00:18:51,715
CLONES: (CHANTING)
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary...
428
00:18:51,756 --> 00:18:53,800
-...Bloody Mary.
-Only 6,000 more times! Come on!
429
00:18:53,883 --> 00:18:57,345
-No, no, no!
-No, no, no, no!
430
00:18:58,763 --> 00:19:00,765
(GROANS, GRUNTS)
431
00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:04,477
Not on my watch, stupid.
Take that!
432
00:19:04,561 --> 00:19:09,566
You just made a grave mistake.
(CHUCKLES)
433
00:19:09,607 --> 00:19:13,111
-(SKELETON GROANS)
-Mr. B! We did it!
434
00:19:13,153 --> 00:19:15,447
Now let's take a little sample.
435
00:19:15,530 --> 00:19:19,117
This is all we need to create
the perfect next baby clone
436
00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:21,578
beloved singer Don Ho!
437
00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:25,790
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
438
00:19:25,874 --> 00:19:30,587
CLONES: (CHANTING)
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary.
439
00:19:30,628 --> 00:19:33,048
(GROANS) Bloody Mary.
440
00:19:33,131 --> 00:19:39,429
Lips are, uh, too chapped
to say it any-ore! Loody Ary.
441
00:19:39,471 --> 00:19:42,599
Loody Ary. Me either!
442
00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:49,189
We're at 6,966!
Only three ore to go! Loody Ary.
443
00:19:49,272 --> 00:19:51,441
-(BLOODY MARY GROANS)
-It's not working.
444
00:19:51,483 --> 00:19:57,447
Yes, time to sex you. (GROANS)
445
00:19:57,489 --> 00:19:59,616
Wait! I'll do it.
446
00:19:59,657 --> 00:20:01,785
-I'll have sex with you.
-What?
447
00:20:01,826 --> 00:20:04,496
I don't want you to end up
with blue balls.
448
00:20:04,579 --> 00:20:07,290
But we can't let her
give you red balls!
449
00:20:07,332 --> 00:20:10,168
That is the sweetest thing
a friend could offer, JFK,
450
00:20:10,210 --> 00:20:13,380
but I was really not planning
on losing my virginity to a guy.
451
00:20:13,463 --> 00:20:16,174
-Nice try.
-JOAN: I'll do it!
452
00:20:16,216 --> 00:20:18,677
-I'll have sex with you!
-What?
453
00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:20,011
-No!
-Seriously?
454
00:20:20,053 --> 00:20:21,680
She doesn't wanna be
with you, Abe.
455
00:20:21,763 --> 00:20:24,683
She just doesn't want
anyone else to be with you.
456
00:20:24,724 --> 00:20:28,978
-That's how jealous she is!
-Oh, my God. She's right!
457
00:20:29,020 --> 00:20:32,941
I'm just trying
to save my best friend's life.
458
00:20:33,024 --> 00:20:35,360
-Wow.
-Don't listen to her!
459
00:20:35,443 --> 00:20:37,195
I'm the one you want.
460
00:20:37,237 --> 00:20:39,364
Yes, but I also
wanna stay alive.
461
00:20:39,406 --> 00:20:41,032
And I'd be lying if I said
I never thought
462
00:20:41,074 --> 00:20:43,868
about losing my virginity
to Joan, Bloody Mary.
463
00:20:43,910 --> 00:20:47,038
(SCREAMS) What are you doing?
464
00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:49,040
-Oh, right! I said Bloody Mary.
-(GROANS)
465
00:20:49,082 --> 00:20:51,042
Oh, I said it again!
What if I say it backwards?
466
00:20:51,126 --> 00:20:53,003
How do you say
Bloody Mary backwards?
467
00:20:53,044 --> 00:20:59,884
-Oh, crap!
-(SCREAMS)
468
00:20:59,968 --> 00:21:03,054
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
469
00:21:03,096 --> 00:21:04,556
(SCREAMS)
470
00:21:04,597 --> 00:21:07,058
How do you like this shade?
Bitch.
471
00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:08,727
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
472
00:21:08,768 --> 00:21:12,522
Wow. Okay. Back to what
we were talking about.
473
00:21:12,564 --> 00:21:13,857
I'm all yours, Joan.
474
00:21:13,898 --> 00:21:15,859
God, I can't believe
we're actually doing this!
475
00:21:15,900 --> 00:21:18,153
Abe, I'm not having sex
with you now!
476
00:21:18,236 --> 00:21:19,320
I beg your pardon?
477
00:21:19,404 --> 00:21:21,740
We were only doing it
to save your life!
478
00:21:21,823 --> 00:21:25,076
And you put Loody Ary
back in the mirror dimension,
479
00:21:25,160 --> 00:21:27,037
so, you know, life saved.
480
00:21:27,078 --> 00:21:29,372
So, I'm not having sex
with anybody then?
481
00:21:29,456 --> 00:21:33,918
My offer's still good, pal,
if that helps. Nah? All right.
482
00:21:34,252 --> 00:21:35,378
(GROANS)
483
00:21:35,420 --> 00:21:37,756
-Abe, I'm sorry, this--
-Not now, Joan!
484
00:21:37,797 --> 00:21:39,591
This could've been
the best night of my life!
485
00:21:39,674 --> 00:21:42,093
I could've just had sex!
But because of you,
486
00:21:42,135 --> 00:21:44,846
I'm just another
naked virgin in a cemetery!
487
00:21:44,929 --> 00:21:47,599
-Abe!
-Mary was right about you!
488
00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:49,517
(SOBBING)
489
00:21:50,602 --> 00:21:53,396
Offering to have sex
with Abe was genius, babe.
490
00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:56,441
You knew he'd say Bloody Mary
the whole time, didn't you?
491
00:21:56,524 --> 00:21:59,444
-(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
-You're amazing.
492
00:21:59,486 --> 00:22:02,405
Yes, Joan was a hero,
but it was also clear
493
00:22:02,447 --> 00:22:05,200
that her feelings were more
complicated than she let on.
494
00:22:05,283 --> 00:22:08,203
If you print that, I'll put you
in the mirror dimension.
495
00:22:08,286 --> 00:22:10,455
Copy that.
I will go with my back-up story.
496
00:22:10,497 --> 00:22:12,582
(FANFARE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
497
00:22:16,294 --> 00:22:17,629
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
498
00:22:18,296 --> 00:22:21,132
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
499
00:23:07,387 --> 00:23:09,014
(THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
500
00:23:09,064 --> 00:23:13,614
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