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1
00:00:03,520 --> 00:00:06,600
Sir, I'm really nervous.
I put everything into my invention.
2
00:00:06,600 --> 00:00:07,920
Relax your lace fronts.
3
00:00:07,920 --> 00:00:10,760
There's only one health condition
that science REALLY needs to fix.
4
00:00:10,760 --> 00:00:12,280
Cancer.
5
00:00:12,280 --> 00:00:14,520
Uh, no. Cancer gets enough airtime.
6
00:00:14,520 --> 00:00:16,040
She's a booked and busy girlie.
7
00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:19,440
I'm talking about the debilitating
condition called the ick!
8
00:00:19,440 --> 00:00:21,720
Yes, you're right.
I'm the one being ridiculous.
9
00:00:21,720 --> 00:00:24,240
Mm-hm. Honestly, I was on a date
last night with a sugar zaddy
10
00:00:24,240 --> 00:00:27,280
and, whoo! Murder, she said.
The ick! I don't know why!
11
00:00:27,280 --> 00:00:29,480
Ooh! Did he have a blocked nose,
sir?
12
00:00:29,480 --> 00:00:30,800
That gives me the ick!
13
00:00:30,800 --> 00:00:33,000
It's like, "Fam, if a common cold
can take you out,
14
00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:35,480
"then you definitely can't
take ME out!"
15
00:00:35,480 --> 00:00:37,000
Sniffling like a dickhead!
16
00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:38,520
Oh! Miss.
17
00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:40,240
Ms Hassan. I hope you're as excited
18
00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:42,960
about trialling your health
invention on my guinea pig.
19
00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:45,840
Uh, Miss. Animals have rights too.
Oh, not this one, no.
20
00:00:45,840 --> 00:00:48,560
He sold them to me to upgrade
his Sky Sports package.
21
00:00:48,560 --> 00:00:50,760
Huh? I'm talking about Mr Harper.
22
00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:52,560
Have you seen him? Oh.
23
00:00:52,560 --> 00:00:54,000
He may have slept in.
24
00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:56,560
It was a big day
for his community yesterday.
25
00:00:56,560 --> 00:00:58,480
I thought St Patrick's Day
was last month?
26
00:00:58,480 --> 00:00:59,800
Danny Dyer's birthday.
27
00:00:59,800 --> 00:01:00,880
It's like Easter Sunday
28
00:01:00,880 --> 00:01:03,160
for the cis-het, Caucasian,
hooligan community.
29
00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:06,120
Oh. But fear not, because I think
we have found the invention
30
00:01:06,120 --> 00:01:08,560
that will help win this health and
fitness competition.
31
00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:09,680
Mm.
32
00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:13,240
Made by Class K's very own
mastermind, Warren.
33
00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:17,720
I give you...the expanding
kitten heel! Ooh.
34
00:01:17,720 --> 00:01:20,000
And how does that relate in any way
to the fitness brief?
35
00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:22,960
I look fit in 'em. Teacher by day,
hoochie mama by noight!
36
00:01:22,960 --> 00:01:24,720
Ahem.
37
00:01:26,080 --> 00:01:27,800
Ow!
38
00:01:26,080 --> 00:01:27,800
THEY ALL GASP
39
00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:30,800
Oh! Oh. Uh!
40
00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:32,680
It's still a prototype.
41
00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:34,560
Sir won't tell me his real weight.
42
00:01:34,560 --> 00:01:36,480
I'd rather die.
43
00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:37,600
Ugh!
44
00:02:08,480 --> 00:02:12,560
Abbey Grove is spiralling
into a health crisis.
45
00:02:12,560 --> 00:02:14,400
Our pupils are baffling doctors
46
00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:18,760
with illnesses usually associated
with ageing long-haul truckers.
47
00:02:18,760 --> 00:02:23,080
And someone thought it was funny
to tweet Marcus Rashford about it.
48
00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:26,840
Now the Health Minister wants
you lot to get into shape - fast.
49
00:02:26,840 --> 00:02:28,800
Talk about an own goal.
50
00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:30,480
I really must try stand-up.
51
00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:34,840
So I've brought in a fitness expert
to help judge this competition
52
00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:36,320
and get us all in shape.
53
00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:38,680
Will you please welcome
to the stage
54
00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:42,920
a man who has millions of people
taking his online classes...
55
00:02:42,920 --> 00:02:46,000
It's Mr Mo Dix!
56
00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:48,320
GASPING AND CHEERING
57
00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:54,200
When I say Mo, you say Dix. Mo!
ALL: Dix!
58
00:02:54,200 --> 00:02:56,080
Mo! Dix! Mo! Dix! Dix!
59
00:02:56,080 --> 00:02:58,200
Yeah! Well, man ain't saying that.
60
00:02:58,200 --> 00:03:01,000
Come on, everyone loves Mo.
He got my mum through lockdown.
61
00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:03,080
Tell your mumsy to bell me, innit?
62
00:03:03,080 --> 00:03:04,960
I'll give her Mo and Dix any time.
Oh, shut up!
63
00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:06,480
Now, some of you might be thinking,
64
00:03:06,480 --> 00:03:08,880
"Huh, he looks
more like an arms dealer."
65
00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:11,480
Thanks to my weapons
of mass destruction.
66
00:03:11,480 --> 00:03:13,240
STEPHEN LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
67
00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:15,320
MO WHISTLES
68
00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:16,680
Boom!
69
00:03:16,680 --> 00:03:18,600
STEPHEN GUFFAWS
70
00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:20,480
Let's get this school moving!
71
00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:22,720
Oh!
72
00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:26,360
Oh!
73
00:03:26,360 --> 00:03:30,960
Sir, do you need some water?
Cos you're moving mad thirsty.
74
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:34,920
When a man this fine is in my
vicinity, consider me dehydrated.
75
00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:37,240
I'm going to get him to
end this drought.
76
00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:40,760
Will my fellow judges please join me
on the stage?
77
00:03:48,160 --> 00:03:49,800
Mr Carmichael.
78
00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:51,760
But you can call me Stephen.
79
00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:54,920
WHISPERS:
80
00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:54,920
Or your dirty little secret.
81
00:03:54,920 --> 00:03:56,720
HOBURN CLEARS THROAT
82
00:03:58,560 --> 00:04:00,720
I call them my Ally Ears.
83
00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:04,560
They allow me to hear whenever
my POC community need an ally.
84
00:04:04,560 --> 00:04:07,880
I love it, but help me see
the fitness angle.
85
00:04:07,880 --> 00:04:08,960
Yes. Erm...
86
00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:11,200
Duh. I run to the rescue.
87
00:04:13,600 --> 00:04:14,720
Next!
88
00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:18,200
WHEELS SQUEAK
When you're young, you think,
89
00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:20,000
"I'm going to live forever."
90
00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:24,280
But trust me, one day, every single
one of you
91
00:04:24,280 --> 00:04:26,040
is going to be dead.
92
00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:29,840
My solution - Cryo-Sleep.
93
00:04:29,840 --> 00:04:31,640
Oh!
94
00:04:31,640 --> 00:04:33,480
Sorry, it was full
95
00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:35,520
of uneaten coronation quiche.
96
00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:40,200
Simply enter the chamber
for your nightly slumber...
97
00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:43,920
Three hours later,
when you wake up screaming...
98
00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:46,560
..and... Ow!
99
00:04:46,560 --> 00:04:49,480
It doesn't open from the inside!
THUDDING
100
00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:50,640
Next!
101
00:04:50,640 --> 00:04:52,200
The Bye Gurl 3,000.
102
00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:53,680
SQUEAKING
103
00:04:53,680 --> 00:04:56,400
This mechanical arm can shoo away
my haters
104
00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:57,800
and bad vibe conversations,
105
00:04:57,800 --> 00:04:59,920
so I stay blessed and not stressed.
106
00:04:59,920 --> 00:05:01,320
Get me?
107
00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:03,120
Being stressed is bad
for your health.
108
00:05:03,120 --> 00:05:04,480
Right, Stephen?
109
00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:07,400
WHISPERS: Stephen.
110
00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:08,880
Mm.
111
00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:11,640
My love must be
a kind of blind love...
112
00:05:11,640 --> 00:05:12,920
You look amazing.
113
00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:17,120
STEPHEN MOUTHS
114
00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:22,520
I can't see anyone but you...
115
00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:23,960
STEPHEN YELPS
116
00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:28,240
Ah. Now I get you.
117
00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:29,840
No notes.
118
00:05:29,840 --> 00:05:33,600
I'm so impressed with
all your health tech inventions.
119
00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:36,360
And now I'm going to announce
the winner!
120
00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:38,120
It's going to be me.
It's going to be me!
121
00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:39,520
OK, and the winner is...
122
00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:42,080
..every single one of you
for taking part!
123
00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:44,960
Yes! I won! I can't believe I won!
124
00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:47,560
And as a prize, you'll get
my personal fitness watch -
125
00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:49,800
the Dix Bit.
126
00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:52,040
Be warned, they're addictive.
127
00:05:52,040 --> 00:05:53,480
You get a Dix.
128
00:05:53,480 --> 00:05:55,280
YOU get a Dix.
129
00:05:55,280 --> 00:05:57,560
You get a Dix! Yeah, yeah.
Mo, Mo!
130
00:05:57,560 --> 00:06:01,200
The Dix Bit will count your steps,
calories, heart rate and sleep,
131
00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:05,040
bringing all of that
biometric goodness into a score.
132
00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:07,360
And the scores will be displayed
on these leaderboards
133
00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:10,680
so we can see who is the healthiest
student at Abbey Grove.
134
00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:13,720
Erm, Mo, how can everyone
be a winner
135
00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:15,520
if there's a leaderboard?
136
00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:17,720
Well, it's just a bit of healthy
competition.
137
00:06:17,720 --> 00:06:19,120
Obviously!
138
00:06:19,120 --> 00:06:22,920
With the Dix Bit, I can make you
think like winners.
139
00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:26,240
Oi-oi!
140
00:06:26,240 --> 00:06:27,880
WHOOPING
141
00:06:27,880 --> 00:06:29,840
STEPHEN SQUEALS
142
00:06:32,680 --> 00:06:34,600
I wake up in the morning
and I ask myself
143
00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:36,880
What am I doing on this planet?
144
00:06:36,880 --> 00:06:38,600
Goddamn! Goddamn!
145
00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:41,680
Yo. Why you giving these Year Seven
trolls freebies?
146
00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:43,240
They deserve nothing, fam.
147
00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:46,880
Them sweets have so many e-numbers,
my girl won't stop running!
148
00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:48,520
She's wearing my Dix Bit.
149
00:06:48,520 --> 00:06:50,920
She's going to shoot me
right up the leaderboard,
150
00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:52,400
and leave you losers biting dust.
151
00:06:54,640 --> 00:06:57,200
Get moving, Usma! Do more, be more.
152
00:06:57,200 --> 00:07:01,480
Bruv! I ain't about to sweat off
these fancy eyebrows for nobody.
153
00:07:01,480 --> 00:07:06,400
Usma! Remember, the eyebrows are not
what maketh the woman.
154
00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:08,600
But it is what maketh a bad bitch.
155
00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:11,520
DIX BIT: Warning, sugar levels
critical.
156
00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:13,240
This thing monitors my blood.
157
00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:14,920
That makes me feel uncomfortable.
158
00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:16,640
Of course you're uncomfortable,
mate.
159
00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:18,320
You ate a whole packet
of After Eights.
160
00:07:18,320 --> 00:07:20,920
Well, what's wrong with
a postprandial mint fondant?
161
00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:23,600
My grandad always said,
"They're a God-tier sweet."
162
00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:25,040
How's your grandad doing?
163
00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:26,960
Oh, uh, not good.
164
00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:28,880
He's actually up in the God tier.
165
00:07:28,880 --> 00:07:31,320
Maybe the Dix Bit is right.
166
00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:35,360
Oh! Good of you to join us,
Mr Harper.
167
00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:37,920
What's your excuse
for this latest shambles?
168
00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:39,800
I heard it was Danny Dyer's
birthday.
169
00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:42,960
You snake. Yes, but when I got home
from that,
170
00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:44,960
I invented this hat, look.
Took me ages.
171
00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:47,320
You put a couple of bottles of
Lucozade on each side,
172
00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:49,040
and it's for professional athletes.
173
00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:50,680
Professional alcoholics, more like.
174
00:07:50,680 --> 00:07:52,560
Those are cans of lager?
175
00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:55,720
Yes, I get my best ideas
when I'm pissed.
176
00:07:57,240 --> 00:07:58,680
But, Miss, I'm really sorry.
177
00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:01,720
Uh, FYI, but getting pissed isn't
very fitness-friendly, so...
178
00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:04,640
Mm. Bet you're a right giggle
on a night out, ain't you?
179
00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:06,120
Put 10p in the talking dumb-bell.
180
00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:08,120
Stephen, you like my hat,
don't you?
181
00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:10,280
Stephen, is he YOUR friend?
182
00:08:10,280 --> 00:08:11,960
Erm...
183
00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:13,640
I hate to say it, but, erm,
184
00:08:13,640 --> 00:08:15,520
I don't know who this man is.
185
00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:17,280
I'm sorry to this man.
186
00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:19,560
Harper, you've got to get a grip.
187
00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:21,000
If you did your job properly,
188
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:22,840
the school wouldn't be
in this mess.
189
00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:24,480
You better shape up or ship out.
190
00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:26,360
It's your last chance.
191
00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:30,760
Thanks a lot, Judas.
192
00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:35,080
THUDDING
193
00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:35,080
Help! It's cold!
194
00:08:35,080 --> 00:08:36,920
Oh, bloody hell, must be pissed.
195
00:08:36,920 --> 00:08:40,160
My algorithm scores all the kids
on physical activity. Mm.
196
00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:42,880
I mean, we do have a lot
of young men here
197
00:08:42,880 --> 00:08:44,720
with only one thing on their minds.
198
00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:47,160
Oh, don't worry. Dix Bit is
programmed
199
00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:49,560
to ignore repetitive wrist movements
in teenage boys.
200
00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:51,880
Very, very wise. Yes, I mean,
I don't want them thinking
201
00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:54,640
they can masturbate their way
to the top. Not in today's climate.
202
00:08:54,640 --> 00:08:57,000
Sometimes...
203
00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:59,760
..it just takes the...right person
204
00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:01,360
to inspire us.
205
00:09:01,360 --> 00:09:02,840
Yeah, that is so true.
206
00:09:02,840 --> 00:09:04,160
No.
207
00:09:04,160 --> 00:09:07,600
Ah, yes, mine was actually
Carol Vorderman, Countdown queen.
208
00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:09,600
She has the bosoms of a goddess
209
00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:12,880
and one of those swollen bottoms
that everyone lusts after.
210
00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:14,960
What was your exercise of choice?
211
00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:18,120
Oh, Kegels. Kaygels. Kegels?
212
00:09:18,120 --> 00:09:21,800
Yes, I now have the pelvic floor
of a disgraced Russian gymnast!
213
00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:25,720
And from one iron grip to another,
214
00:09:25,720 --> 00:09:29,160
I would like to enrol Abbey Grove
in your fitness programme.
215
00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:33,920
The online lessons, the diet plans,
I mean, the whole package.
216
00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:36,120
Not the... Not...not the package!
217
00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:37,640
Miss Hoburn... Ah!
218
00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:39,800
I've set plenty of records
in my time.
219
00:09:39,800 --> 00:09:42,160
I bet you have.
But getting this school into shape
220
00:09:42,160 --> 00:09:43,640
is the biggest challenge yet.
221
00:09:43,640 --> 00:09:45,240
Well, you can sell
222
00:09:45,240 --> 00:09:48,000
as much of the children's data
as you like to...
223
00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:49,920
Perhaps you don't want to know.
224
00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:55,080
Yes, then it's a win-win
for everyone except for Harper.
225
00:09:55,080 --> 00:09:57,920
And if the first two months
go well, I can...
226
00:09:57,920 --> 00:10:00,320
Yeah, I can just replace him
with a couple of televisions.
227
00:10:00,320 --> 00:10:03,520
Well, I will leave you with
a parting gift. Oh, oh!
228
00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:07,000
And, no, it's not one of my
triple-decker vanilla cacao bars.
229
00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:08,920
IN BABY VOICE: Me no sharey those!
230
00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:10,520
IN BABY VOICE: Oh! No!
231
00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:14,480
Thank you, Dick. Bit!
232
00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:15,840
Enjoy.
233
00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:20,040
ALARM BEEPS
234
00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:20,040
No pulse detected.
235
00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:21,680
No pulse detected. Signals critical.
236
00:10:21,680 --> 00:10:24,240
Oh, my God! I'm clinically dead!
237
00:10:25,240 --> 00:10:26,320
Oh!
238
00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:27,920
Telephone!
239
00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:30,680
What do I do if I'm dying?
TELEPHONE: Let's see.
240
00:10:30,680 --> 00:10:32,880
When you are dying, why not create
a bucket list
241
00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:35,200
to do everything
you always dreamed of doing?
242
00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:37,440
And to think I nearly called
an ambulance.
243
00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:39,560
Erm, all right, Telephone,
244
00:10:39,560 --> 00:10:42,600
write this down. Bucket list.
245
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:44,040
Number one,
246
00:10:44,040 --> 00:10:45,720
try stand-up comedy.
247
00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:49,120
Number two, set a world record.
248
00:10:49,120 --> 00:10:50,920
Number three,
249
00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:52,680
sleep with Bear Grylls...
250
00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:55,680
..semicolon,
251
00:10:55,680 --> 00:10:57,880
absolutely ruin him.
252
00:10:57,880 --> 00:10:59,720
Just the other day,
I heard a ho say
253
00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:01,640
Matter of fact,
what could a ho say?
254
00:11:01,640 --> 00:11:03,880
With a face like this
and a bitch this paid
255
00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:05,600
Shit, what could a ho say?
256
00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:08,160
Whoa! Ho, ho, ho, nice catch there.
257
00:11:08,160 --> 00:11:09,800
Thanks. You know me.
258
00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:11,400
Always active.
259
00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:12,560
Ahem.
260
00:11:12,560 --> 00:11:15,360
But I think I've been overdoing
it with the, erm...
261
00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:17,600
..the sport that
this ball belongs to.
262
00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:20,360
Well, I'm offski.
263
00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:23,320
AS ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER:
Daddy's got to feed the twins.
264
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:26,280
See you later.
265
00:11:26,280 --> 00:11:28,120
Whoo! What about the Dix Bit?
266
00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:30,000
It's the start of a revolution.
267
00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:31,440
Between me and you,
268
00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:34,080
I can't be seen working closely
with someone like Mr Harper.
269
00:11:34,080 --> 00:11:36,600
It's, ah, it's very bad
for the brand.
270
00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:39,240
So you're telling me that Mitchell
is the only thing stopping me
271
00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:41,600
and you sticking together
like Vel and cro?
272
00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:43,480
Huh. I guess.
273
00:11:43,480 --> 00:11:45,480
Call me if he quits.
274
00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:47,000
Wait, don't go!
275
00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:50,040
Erm...
276
00:11:50,040 --> 00:11:51,080
Ow! Sir!
277
00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:54,000
..because, have you seen
the state of the canteen?
278
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:55,680
Honestly, it is terrible in there.
279
00:11:55,680 --> 00:11:57,920
I'm sure I could give them
some tips.
280
00:11:57,920 --> 00:12:00,520
You know, hope we get
to work together.
281
00:12:03,480 --> 00:12:04,920
STEPHEN EXHALES
282
00:12:04,920 --> 00:12:06,800
Oh, we will work together.
283
00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:08,960
Time to say goodbye to Mr Harper.
284
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:12,800
Oh, here he comes!
285
00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:15,080
My favourite person!
286
00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:18,160
Not interested. I feel as rough
as a badger's arse and,
287
00:12:18,160 --> 00:12:20,400
thanks to you, I've now got Hoburn
giving me grief.
288
00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:22,200
You need to look after yourself!
289
00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:24,080
Let me book you an Uber home. No.
290
00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:27,160
I heard that juiced-up dickhead's
still running round school
291
00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:30,040
showing off his...
What do you call 'em? Muscles.
292
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:32,120
Mo? Oh, pfft, don't worry about him.
293
00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:34,200
He's making me look bad.
I need to get rid of him.
294
00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:37,520
What? You? Look bad? What? How?
PHONE PINGS
295
00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:39,920
Urgh! Mm! Ah, he's in Fraser's
kitchen right now.
296
00:12:39,920 --> 00:12:42,520
I am going to go in there,
I'm going to get up in his moosh...
297
00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:44,560
No, no, no... ..and I'm going
to tell him to do one.
298
00:12:44,560 --> 00:12:46,600
Oh! Ow! Oh! Ah! Oh, oh.
299
00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:49,800
Fraser?
300
00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:51,080
Keep him there.
301
00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:53,360
Just got to have a shit.
302
00:12:53,360 --> 00:12:54,400
Ugh.
303
00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:56,360
He's like a human Babybel -
304
00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:57,880
he just rolls!
305
00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:03,240
All right, sir?
DIX BIT: Let's go, baby.
306
00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:05,400
Can't stop.
Mo says I'm letting myself down.
307
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:09,160
Do more, be more.
Train hard, live smart.
308
00:13:10,160 --> 00:13:12,600
Sir! These Dix Bits are
too much, man!
309
00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:14,240
Warren's chopping up After Eights
310
00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:16,000
like he's a character in
Top Boy, fam!
311
00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:17,440
Big man ting.
312
00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:20,520
If I have a bump now, my blood sugar
levels won't spike after lunch.
313
00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:21,720
Hmm.
314
00:13:21,720 --> 00:13:24,480
Sir, these things have turned Jinx
into Gwyneth Goop Paltrow!
315
00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:25,920
I'm on a juice-only diet.
316
00:13:25,920 --> 00:13:28,680
And why are you crouched like that?
It's the juice.
317
00:13:28,680 --> 00:13:31,000
If I sit down, I fart.
If I stand up, I fart.
318
00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:32,920
This is the only position
that I don't...
319
00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:34,760
P-FF-FRT!
320
00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:34,760
Better out than in, Jemima.
321
00:13:34,760 --> 00:13:37,560
Dutty gyal! How does that not
give you the ick?
322
00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:39,120
I don't know!
323
00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:41,280
But you lot need to get it together
324
00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:43,360
if I'm going to stand a chance
with Mo. Hmm?
325
00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:45,720
And Mitchell needs to crawl back
into the bargain bucket
326
00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:47,640
that he came from, Blessing.
327
00:13:47,640 --> 00:13:51,160
You need Mr Harper out the way
for how long? A week?
328
00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:54,280
Oh, please. I just need a couple
of hours alone with Mo.
329
00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:55,960
I need a pen, a doughnut
330
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:57,600
and your credit card.
331
00:13:57,600 --> 00:14:00,040
Baby cakes
You just don't know, know
332
00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:03,440
How I-I, I want you so, so
333
00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:07,120
And I just want you to know
That I think our love will grow
334
00:14:07,120 --> 00:14:10,280
We'll take it step by step
Because I'm not something you own
335
00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:13,000
Baby cakes
You just don't know, know...
336
00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:14,960
HE RETCHES
337
00:14:18,920 --> 00:14:20,360
What is that?
338
00:14:21,520 --> 00:14:23,520
"Mr Harper.
339
00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:25,840
"Bernadette Hoburn here.
340
00:14:25,840 --> 00:14:28,200
"I was well harsh this morning.
341
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:32,040
"So to apologise, you and a friend
are invited to join
342
00:14:32,040 --> 00:14:33,440
"some key leb...
343
00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:34,720
"..ce-le..."
344
00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:37,680
Celebrity. "..celebrity guests
for a beer bike tour."
345
00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:39,160
Sick! Nice one, sir.
346
00:14:39,160 --> 00:14:40,520
Do you think I'm an idiot?
347
00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:43,400
This is from Hoburn.
348
00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:44,880
It's obviously some sort of test.
349
00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:48,080
Or she's trying to show you
how much she appreciates you.
350
00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:50,440
Oi, Fraser.
351
00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:53,480
Yes? Mr Harper's got a plus-one
on a trip of a lifetime.
352
00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:55,520
But no can do.
353
00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:59,440
Mo has given me a pep talk and
I'm now putting the lad
354
00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:00,960
into salad.
355
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:03,000
But it's a celebrity beer bike.
356
00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:04,960
Celebs?! Oh, shit.
357
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:06,280
No, no, no! No, Fraser.
358
00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:08,080
These kids aren't bloody rabbits.
359
00:15:08,080 --> 00:15:10,920
Look, Jesus! Right, come on, right.
Just wait a minute! Please, no!
360
00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:12,760
I've got a headache!
361
00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:14,680
Fraser, I'm telling you!
This is a trap!
362
00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:16,880
I'm already on my last chance
with Hoburn as it is.
363
00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:18,600
Beer bike for Mitchell Harper?
364
00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:20,360
Is that...?
365
00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:21,960
It is.
366
00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:23,200
It's Golden Balls.
367
00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:24,400
Jasper Carrott?
368
00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:25,680
David Beckham!
369
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:28,880
At your service, gaffer.
370
00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:30,560
Climb aboard the Becks mobile.
371
00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:33,880
This is a dream come true!
I can't believe it!
372
00:15:33,880 --> 00:15:36,440
Hoburn knows me
better than I know myself.
373
00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:38,760
Oh, Becks, you having a laugh?
374
00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:40,320
You brought the missus along?
375
00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:42,200
Cor, you under the thumb much
or what?
376
00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:44,520
Who's that courtly old gentleman?
377
00:15:44,520 --> 00:15:47,680
I am Colonel Sanders, KFC empire?
378
00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:52,280
I ain't being funny, mate,
but ain't he white?
379
00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:55,360
You think a white man created
a chicken seasoning recipe
380
00:15:55,360 --> 00:15:57,600
with 11 secret herbs and spices?
381
00:15:57,600 --> 00:15:59,000
Great point. Lager?
382
00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:02,040
This is the best day of my life.
383
00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:03,960
What about the birth of your son?
384
00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:05,600
This is the best day of my life.
385
00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:08,160
All aboard.
We got to pick up a few more VIPs.
386
00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:13,840
Got to ask -
387
00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:15,240
leg or breast?
388
00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:17,120
I am vegetarian.
389
00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:20,240
Naughty little Colonel.
390
00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:22,520
Never have I ever shagged
a Spice Girl.
391
00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:23,680
Drink.
392
00:16:23,680 --> 00:16:26,680
Well, if it's unhealthy then
I don't give a damn
393
00:16:26,680 --> 00:16:28,920
Cause even if it kills me...
394
00:16:28,920 --> 00:16:30,520
Yo, yo!
395
00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:33,600
Stephen told me that Mr Harper
has gone AWOL.
396
00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:37,280
But, luckily, Captain Jack Sparrow
here
397
00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:39,280
is pumped to cover for him.
398
00:16:39,280 --> 00:16:41,840
All right, let's start with
a selfie.
399
00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:43,680
Oh. Oh, hi, Stephen.
400
00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:45,120
Oh...
401
00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:46,920
Stephen? I CAN see you.
402
00:16:46,920 --> 00:16:48,400
STEPHEN SQUEALS
403
00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:50,280
Nice. Unlucky. Let's go!
404
00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:54,320
You need stronger wrists,
and there's an easy way to get 'em.
405
00:16:54,320 --> 00:16:55,960
STEPHEN CHUCKLES
406
00:16:58,760 --> 00:17:00,360
CHEERING
407
00:17:00,360 --> 00:17:02,440
Wow! Go get another ball,
get another ball.
408
00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:04,200
Let's go. Never too much running.
409
00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:11,520
HOBURN, OVER PA SYSTEM: Hello.
410
00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:14,720
Did you hear the one
about the cross-eyed teacher?
411
00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:16,200
He can't control his pupils.
412
00:17:17,760 --> 00:17:20,360
But he is a valued member
of the team,
413
00:17:20,360 --> 00:17:22,680
so bravo, bravo to Mr Bingham.
414
00:17:22,680 --> 00:17:27,080
I'd like to invite the school
to the assembly hall in ten
415
00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:29,640
for my tight...ten.
416
00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:33,600
Basil? Paprika? Fenugreek?
417
00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:36,160
Please stop. It's been three hours.
418
00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:37,440
Asafoetida?
419
00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:41,000
If you don't stop, I will throw
myself off this bike headfirst.
420
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:42,080
Dill?
421
00:17:42,080 --> 00:17:43,960
Horseradish. Stay out of it,
Wallace!
422
00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:45,600
It's got nothing to do with you.
423
00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:46,920
What is SHE doing here?
424
00:17:46,920 --> 00:17:49,880
Right,
the European Championships 2004.
425
00:17:49,880 --> 00:17:51,960
Explain that penalty kick. Nah.
426
00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:53,440
I fucked it, mate.
427
00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:54,960
Well, that's an understatement.
428
00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:57,560
Wait a minute, I've seen that woman
glaring at us before.
429
00:17:57,560 --> 00:18:00,040
We're going round in circles.
We're in a cul-de-sac.
430
00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:01,280
Oh, dear.
431
00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:03,040
Becks has cocked up the directions.
432
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:05,320
If it IS horseradish, blink twice.
433
00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:09,080
Told you. Wallace, make like you're
inside one of your factories
434
00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:10,520
and can it!
435
00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:11,960
CHEERING
436
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:14,240
You can identify as anything
these days.
437
00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:18,640
Ooh, hang on,
a few...a few nerves in the room!
438
00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:21,280
Erm, I identify as...
439
00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:23,040
..a workaholic.
440
00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:26,160
Ha! Do you get it? Because, I mean,
who doesn't love work?
441
00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:27,560
Am I right?
442
00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:30,880
You know, the other day,
my out-of-office said
443
00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:34,840
that I was on holiday until 2124.
444
00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:36,560
And I know what you're thinking.
445
00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:39,840
"A 100-year holiday?
That would be horrific!"
446
00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:41,520
Your jokes are dead!
447
00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:44,880
Well, to whoever shouted that out,
erm, comedy is subjective.
448
00:18:44,880 --> 00:18:46,680
DIX BIT: Yeah, you're dying,
Bernadette.
449
00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:48,360
Yeah, you're dying, mate!
Oh, my God.
450
00:18:48,360 --> 00:18:50,120
Right, all right, forget this.
THEY LAUGH
451
00:18:50,120 --> 00:18:51,480
I've been Miss Hoburn.
452
00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:53,200
I'll see you all in detention.
453
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:54,640
Hope that's funny enough for you.
454
00:18:54,640 --> 00:18:56,080
Goodnight.
455
00:18:56,080 --> 00:18:57,520
What? But...
456
00:18:57,520 --> 00:18:59,440
Boo!
457
00:18:59,440 --> 00:19:02,840
Bucket list. Stand-up.
458
00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:04,400
World record...
459
00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:05,640
Number six,
460
00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:09,640
wreak my hideous revenge.
461
00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:13,600
Stick to the day job!
Stick to the day job!
462
00:19:13,600 --> 00:19:14,680
Get off!
463
00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:16,200
Where's Mr Harper?
464
00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:19,520
As far as I'm concerned, Harper is
responsible for all of this!
465
00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:21,440
Boo! Get off the stage, you tosser!
466
00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:23,520
Ah, piss off!
467
00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:31,480
Colonel, you know, the Beckhams have
got one of our own in the family.
468
00:19:31,480 --> 00:19:32,800
Wee Brooklyn.
469
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:35,000
Saw him making toast on Instagram
this morning.
470
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:36,320
The kid's a natural.
471
00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:39,240
Right, we're going round in circles,
Becks.
472
00:19:39,240 --> 00:19:41,360
What is going on? Don't lie to me.
473
00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:43,840
I am your gaffer.
I'll go full Sir Alex!
474
00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:46,200
Oh, not the hair - hic! - hairdryer
treatment.
475
00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:48,560
Our client is Stephanie Fierce.
476
00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:50,280
AKA Stephen Carmichael.
477
00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:53,720
He said to keep you away from
the school for as long as possible.
478
00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:56,240
So Hoburn DIDN'T book this trip?
Stephen did?
479
00:19:56,240 --> 00:19:59,360
Oh, my God, Bernie's going to be
pissed. No-one's teaching PE.
480
00:19:59,360 --> 00:20:01,600
Well, they've got Mo Dix -
he could cover for you.
481
00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:02,960
Well, I'm not going to get fired
482
00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:05,200
just so Stephen can have
a roll around with that prat.
483
00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:06,520
I am turning this bike around.
484
00:20:06,520 --> 00:20:09,080
DRAMATIC CLASSICAL MUSIC
485
00:20:14,120 --> 00:20:15,440
TYRES SQUEAL
486
00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:16,480
Oh...
487
00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:36,120
SPLASH!
488
00:20:36,120 --> 00:20:37,600
Splash down! Well done.
489
00:20:37,600 --> 00:20:39,760
That was a really healthy,
big, glossy one.
490
00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:42,040
Uh! Uh! What?
491
00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:45,040
Like an otter down a river bank.
Keep eating your fibre, bud.
492
00:20:45,040 --> 00:20:48,720
Half-price Hercules is spying on us
in the toilets!
493
00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:50,840
He's got to go - now!
494
00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:53,240
Mm. That's not going to be
on my mood board
495
00:20:53,240 --> 00:20:55,120
because he's not giving me
the ick yet,
496
00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:56,840
and I don't think he ever will.
497
00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:58,040
Harper?
498
00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:00,560
Harper!
499
00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:02,360
Carmichael.
500
00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:02,360
STEPHEN GROANS
501
00:21:02,360 --> 00:21:04,080
Mm? Did you or did you not hear me
502
00:21:04,080 --> 00:21:06,320
give Mr Harper his final warning
loud and clear?
503
00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:07,560
Erm...
504
00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:11,080
Yeah, I did.
505
00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:12,920
And now he bunks off!
506
00:21:12,920 --> 00:21:16,240
I've wasted the best years
of my life on idiots like him.
507
00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:18,360
Well, I'm going to make him
pay for it.
508
00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:21,200
Yo.
509
00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:23,960
I thought getting Sir on a beer bike
was a victimless crime.
510
00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:25,720
You didn't tell us
he was in trouble.
511
00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:29,400
Oh, poor Mr Harper.
He gets such a bad rep.
512
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:30,840
He taught us lifting.
513
00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:32,120
Shoplifting.
514
00:21:32,120 --> 00:21:35,360
But we don't want him to lose
his job. You're so selfish.
515
00:21:35,360 --> 00:21:38,160
Because of you, we're stuck with
Mo Dix forever.
516
00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:39,320
I'm sorry.
517
00:21:39,320 --> 00:21:42,240
OK, maybe I've been a little
one-track-minded of recent.
518
00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:44,320
But let's find Mr Harper.
519
00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:47,200
I have him on Find My Mobile.
520
00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:48,840
Don't ask why.
521
00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:51,480
There we go. Found him.
522
00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:53,880
Where?
523
00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:56,440
Doesn't seem to be moving, though.
524
00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:58,480
He's probably just sat at the bar.
525
00:21:58,480 --> 00:22:00,840
But he's nowhere near a pub.
526
00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:03,160
Oh, no.
527
00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:06,040
Right. Inchez, Warren,
go find Mr Harper.
528
00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:09,400
You guys, we need to distract
Miss Hoburn till they get back.
529
00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:10,960
How are we going to do that?
530
00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:12,720
I found her bucket list.
531
00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:15,600
But we're going to need
our inventions.
532
00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:18,320
I hear you.
533
00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:22,480
Oh, I LOVE this!
Teamwork makes the dream work!
534
00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:24,680
I'll stay here and look out for Mo.
535
00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:26,360
But how is that going to help?
536
00:22:26,360 --> 00:22:27,520
Don't question me.
537
00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:28,680
Go!
538
00:22:28,680 --> 00:22:31,440
Don't you know I'm walkin' away?
539
00:22:31,440 --> 00:22:33,480
Now, I'm in my own space...
Agh! Ah!
540
00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:36,560
Babe, you know I ain't waitin'
for you
541
00:22:36,560 --> 00:22:40,760
And if you don't want me
to stay...
542
00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:42,680
David!
543
00:22:42,680 --> 00:22:44,280
David!
544
00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:46,080
Don't you run away!
545
00:22:46,080 --> 00:22:49,440
You ain't better than me!
How could he do this to me?
546
00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:52,640
I had his name on the back
of ALL of my hooky England shirts.
547
00:22:52,640 --> 00:22:54,400
My arm's trapped under the bike.
548
00:22:54,400 --> 00:22:56,640
All right, Fraser, Fraser,
try not to move it,
549
00:22:56,640 --> 00:22:58,040
you'll only damage it further.
550
00:22:58,040 --> 00:22:59,520
Or you can cut it off.
551
00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:01,800
Oh, quite a good idea, actually,
Colonel.
552
00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:03,960
Like in the film 127 Hours.
553
00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:06,200
It's not even been 127 seconds.
554
00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:08,120
Or I can cut it off for you.
555
00:23:08,120 --> 00:23:11,000
You're not even trapped!
Just go and get help.
556
00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:12,240
FLATLY: Help.
557
00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:14,440
Help.
558
00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:15,720
No-one is coming.
559
00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:18,480
Don't just stand there, Colonel,
please.
560
00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:20,400
This is finger-licking good.
561
00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:23,120
Boneless bants-quet.
562
00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:26,480
Kill me now.
563
00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:30,840
Harper!
564
00:23:30,840 --> 00:23:33,040
Oh, you guys, I can hear her coming.
Quick.
565
00:23:37,800 --> 00:23:39,240
Harper!
566
00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:42,080
Miss! I hope you don't mind,
567
00:23:42,080 --> 00:23:45,040
but I accidentally read
your bucket list.
568
00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:47,000
Stand-up? Smashed it.
569
00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:48,920
Hilarious.
570
00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:50,760
Oh, well, I appreciate that.
571
00:23:50,760 --> 00:23:52,520
But, you see, it's a bit of a bore.
572
00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:54,200
In your lingo,
573
00:23:54,200 --> 00:23:55,680
I'm a "dead ting".
574
00:23:55,680 --> 00:23:59,760
No, you're not! Wax that top lip
and I'm sure there's a man out there
575
00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:02,360
who'd want to smash. No, I mean
literally, dead!
576
00:24:02,360 --> 00:24:05,880
Whoa. And now there's only one thing
I can hope to be remembered for -
577
00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:07,840
shipping off that foreign exchange
student
578
00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:09,880
on the first flight to Rwanda.
579
00:24:09,880 --> 00:24:12,200
Well, if you actually are dying,
580
00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:14,680
then maybe we can help to tick
something off your list.
581
00:24:14,680 --> 00:24:16,640
You've piqued my interest.
582
00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:18,040
Let's set a world record.
583
00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:21,560
I mean, all the cool ones are taken,
but I'm sure we can do a dumb one.
584
00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:22,880
No, I'm less piqued.
585
00:24:22,880 --> 00:24:25,760
Well, I guess you don't want
this certificate, then.
586
00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:29,720
Eh? For eating your own body weight
in coronation quiche.
587
00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:34,160
Where did you get all this from?
588
00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:37,280
Mr Fraser emptied the freezer
for his science invention.
589
00:24:38,600 --> 00:24:39,640
Right.
590
00:24:39,640 --> 00:24:41,600
I'm going to need a bib, a bucket
591
00:24:41,600 --> 00:24:43,840
and a busload of betablockers!
592
00:24:43,840 --> 00:24:45,320
PILLS RATTLE
593
00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:47,800
For king and quiche!
594
00:24:47,800 --> 00:24:50,400
For king and quiche!
595
00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:53,880
There he is! Oh, my God! Oh!
596
00:24:53,880 --> 00:24:55,880
Yes! Yes!
597
00:24:55,880 --> 00:24:58,760
Yes, you legends! Right!
Help us out of here.
598
00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:01,320
Let's go. Phew! Mr Carmichael
ain't going to be happy, sir.
599
00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:03,200
I think he was hoping to get
his deposit back.
600
00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:05,200
He was going to use it
to pay for a blue tick.
601
00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:07,520
I mean, people need to know
he's better than them.
602
00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:09,880
Yeah, well, I don't care.
He stitched me right up.
603
00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:11,440
Look, enough Chatty Patty, man.
604
00:25:11,440 --> 00:25:14,160
How are we going to lift this ting?
With the kitten heels.
605
00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:19,280
Now, Mr Carmichael never told me
his real weight,
606
00:25:19,280 --> 00:25:20,840
so I set the upper limit to high.
607
00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:23,960
You know, in case he has dense
bones. Also, in today's society...
608
00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:25,320
Warren, get on with it.
609
00:25:25,320 --> 00:25:26,680
OK, sure.
610
00:25:31,240 --> 00:25:33,360
Ahh! Oh!
611
00:25:33,360 --> 00:25:36,640
In the words of Mr Carmichael,
those kitties just purred.
612
00:25:36,640 --> 00:25:38,920
Huh. Huh! Help me up, Colonel.
613
00:25:44,160 --> 00:25:45,720
I will never wash this.
614
00:25:45,720 --> 00:25:47,000
Colonel!
615
00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:48,640
Colonel!
616
00:25:49,840 --> 00:25:52,000
Colonel! Well done, Warren.
617
00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:53,640
Go on, Miss! Go on, Miss!
618
00:25:53,640 --> 00:25:55,520
Miss! Miss! Miss!
619
00:25:56,640 --> 00:26:00,360
Miss, Miss Hoburn, Miss Hoburn.
I am so, so sorry about today.
620
00:26:00,360 --> 00:26:02,640
Look, but the thing is,
I really love this job
621
00:26:02,640 --> 00:26:04,320
and I will do better, I promise.
622
00:26:04,320 --> 00:26:06,080
No time. No time! Piss off!
623
00:26:06,080 --> 00:26:08,600
Sweet! Eat! Eat! Eat!
624
00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:10,200
Go on, Miss, keep going! Eat! Eat!
Eat!
625
00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:11,560
And we shall!
626
00:26:11,560 --> 00:26:14,240
The Colonel finally wrote down
the secret ingredient for me
627
00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:16,160
on this piece of paper.
628
00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:16,160
DOOR OPENS
629
00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:18,360
WIND WHOOSHES
630
00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:18,360
Huh? Oh.
631
00:26:18,360 --> 00:26:20,960
Get the... No, no! My secret!
632
00:26:20,960 --> 00:26:23,280
Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat!
What's going on in here?
633
00:26:23,280 --> 00:26:24,640
Miss is sweating for you, sir.
634
00:26:24,640 --> 00:26:26,600
Thought you would be proud
to see that.
635
00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:28,120
She's got the quiche sweats.
636
00:26:28,120 --> 00:26:29,560
Are you trying to kill my brand?
637
00:26:29,560 --> 00:26:31,080
ALARM BEEPS
638
00:26:29,560 --> 00:26:31,080
Oh...
639
00:26:31,080 --> 00:26:33,080
Ah! Sorry, Miss.
640
00:26:33,080 --> 00:26:34,640
You were three slices out.
641
00:26:34,640 --> 00:26:37,520
No! Stretch Armstrong threw me
off my game
642
00:26:37,520 --> 00:26:39,040
with all his blather!
643
00:26:39,040 --> 00:26:42,080
Blather? I'm trying to turn
this school into a winner!
644
00:26:42,080 --> 00:26:43,840
And how is that working out for you?
645
00:26:43,840 --> 00:26:45,520
Look who's top of the leaderboard.
646
00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:48,440
The man who thinks
greens are a class-B drug.
647
00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:49,760
It must be a malfunction.
648
00:26:49,760 --> 00:26:51,880
Cheeky prick.
I've been pedalling all day.
649
00:26:51,880 --> 00:26:53,440
HE VOMITS
650
00:26:53,440 --> 00:26:55,560
Uh! Uh! Sir!
651
00:26:55,560 --> 00:26:58,720
I've also been drinking solidly
for the past 24 hours.
652
00:26:58,720 --> 00:27:00,640
Right, the deal is off, Dix.
653
00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:03,280
Your app is more useless
than Mr Harper,
654
00:27:03,280 --> 00:27:05,480
and that is REALLY saying something.
655
00:27:05,480 --> 00:27:06,880
Whatever.
656
00:27:06,880 --> 00:27:09,960
I can fix the Dix Bit, but one thing
I cannot fix is this giant,
657
00:27:09,960 --> 00:27:12,160
floating fatberg of a school!
658
00:27:13,160 --> 00:27:14,680
Boo! Bye!
659
00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:17,840
Look, Miss,
everyone's cheering for you.
660
00:27:17,840 --> 00:27:20,080
This could be part of your legacy.
661
00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:23,240
DIX BIT: No pulse detected.
Signals critical.
662
00:27:28,440 --> 00:27:31,160
I've seen things
you people wouldn't believe.
663
00:27:31,160 --> 00:27:35,120
I saw Philip Green soil himself
at a retail luncheon.
664
00:27:35,120 --> 00:27:37,880
All those moments lost.
665
00:27:37,880 --> 00:27:40,000
You were wearing it too loose, Miss.
666
00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:41,360
It couldn't feel your pulse.
667
00:27:41,360 --> 00:27:42,840
OK! Nice!
668
00:27:42,840 --> 00:27:44,240
Let's go, baby!
669
00:27:44,240 --> 00:27:46,000
Oh!
670
00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:49,880
This is the best day of my LIFE!
671
00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:53,400
Yes! Yes! You the man!
672
00:27:53,400 --> 00:27:56,800
Go Hoburn! Go Hoburn! Go Hoburn!
Go Hoburn!
673
00:27:56,800 --> 00:27:59,040
I'm sorry I threw you
under the beer bike.
674
00:27:59,040 --> 00:28:01,560
I was thinking with my heart
and not my head.
675
00:28:01,560 --> 00:28:02,960
Look, it's fine. I get it.
676
00:28:02,960 --> 00:28:04,960
I forgive you. Thank you.
677
00:28:04,960 --> 00:28:07,160
Worst part is I didn't even
get his number.
678
00:28:07,160 --> 00:28:09,520
Well, go, then. Go on, go after him.
679
00:28:09,520 --> 00:28:11,120
Oh, my God.
680
00:28:13,040 --> 00:28:15,960
Wait! Mo! Slow down.
681
00:28:15,960 --> 00:28:17,600
Slow down.
682
00:28:17,600 --> 00:28:20,960
Oh. Only bitches with no arse walk
fast, and that ain't me.
683
00:28:20,960 --> 00:28:24,120
You know, it's a shame
it didn't work out, Stephen.
684
00:28:25,160 --> 00:28:26,840
I did really like you.
685
00:28:26,840 --> 00:28:28,960
Well, show me, then.
686
00:28:39,680 --> 00:28:41,120
Ugh!
687
00:28:41,120 --> 00:28:42,600
God.
688
00:28:42,600 --> 00:28:44,280
I worked out what gives me the ick.
689
00:28:44,280 --> 00:28:45,400
What? What?
690
00:28:45,400 --> 00:28:47,160
It's boat shoes!
691
00:28:47,160 --> 00:28:49,480
DRAMATIC CLASSICAL MUSIC
692
00:28:56,080 --> 00:28:58,680
Don't touch me! Why?!
693
00:28:58,730 --> 00:29:03,280
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