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This programme contains adult humour
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MUSIC: Igor's Theme
by Tyler, The Creator
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00:00:12,280 --> 00:00:13,800
Let me see his face.
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So you're the slippery little scrote
who's been making me look like a right mug.
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You got any last words, treacle?
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Yeah.
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Why don't you do one, you two-bob...
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GUNSHOTS
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Mate, that is sick!
Thank you, thank you.
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Sorry, sir, I missed it.
One of my eyelashes slipped, innit?
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00:00:37,040 --> 00:00:38,440
Ha!
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00:00:38,440 --> 00:00:40,480
Usma literally blinked
and missed it.
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HE LAUGHS
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As glorified extras go,
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it's giving more horrified.
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Extra? I had lines.
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A line.
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Get her, Jade!
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Look, it is a process.
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I'm building my brand.
My agent is getting...
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00:00:53,080 --> 00:00:55,520
Ah, no, please. Agent-schmagent.
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The only reason you got signed is
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because I injured myself
in the school play.
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They've clearly got no taste.
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Says the guy that's, what is it?
"Self-represented."
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00:01:04,640 --> 00:01:06,760
Ah, don't you dare talk about my
Warren like that!
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SINGS: He works hard
for the money!
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What money?
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Fine! If you're going to be like
that, let's get to work.
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Open up your phones
to Madonna's filmography.
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THEY GROAN
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HE IMITATES
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Sorry,
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do we have better ideas?
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I do.
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Drama wars! Superhero style!
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CLAMOUR
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MUSIC: Mr Motivator
by Idles
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Hee-hee!
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Ah! Ow! Ow!
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Shamone.
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Ooh. Ah!
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Waaatch out! Ooh.
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Bow!
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Wrong MJ. You're supposed to be
Zendaya from Spider-Man.
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The Marvel movies?
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GIGGLING
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Damn. Ow!
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I'd get changed first.
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Maybe don't tell your parents
about this.
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Yeah, proper tings
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Original style
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We come to kick it down
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The wicked man is wild
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Yeah.
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00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:44,760
Oh, what's this?
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Ooh, that's a bit morbid.
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Gluten tag, Sally Bowles!
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Love the hat.
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Yeah. Fortune cookie?
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"What size are Fraser's feet?"
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"True or false, Fraser can fit
both fists in his mouth?"
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Are these questions all about you?
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Write what you know.
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"Where's the bomb?"
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All right, forget that one.
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STEPHEN CLINKS CUP
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Cooee!
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Meeting, please. Come through.
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How y'all doing?
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Fire. So, as you are all aware,
this year, we are hosting
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00:03:24,080 --> 00:03:27,600
the Competitive Theatre Games,
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competing against the most
prestigious schools in the country.
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And, as such, it's an opportunity
for us
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to pretend we care about the arts.
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See you later.
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Oh, sorry, my loves. I was
just on the phone to my agent.
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Harper, not that it matters because
by law we have to be inclusive,
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but are you wearing lipstick?
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Oh, it's this Lizabeth Erden stuff.
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Yeah, I got to glam up.
Just booked a short.
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Be warned.
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I booked a short for a fete once,
stole all the petty cash.
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Quick little chaps.
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Um, I think Mitchell's
talking about a short film, Fraser.
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Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's well arty.
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00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:04,320
Anyway, so competitive theatre is
all about improvisation, hmm?
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And this year we have to devise
a piece inspired by a word.
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00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:10,360
Are there any nude scenes?
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00:04:10,360 --> 00:04:14,320
Well, no, Mollinson
because they're... They're children.
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00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:18,720
I mean his film,
not your silly little competition.
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Mollinson, there is tons of
shagging.
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I've had to start putting
cream on my todger.
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00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:26,120
Oh, well, it sounds appalling,
although if my time at Boohoo has
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taught me anything, it's that the
British public will buy anything.
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00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:32,640
Um, this year, I have no doubt
in my mind that we are going
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00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:34,640
to snatch that crown
from St Maud's,
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because we have a secret weapon!
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Me! Mr Harper!
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00:04:39,440 --> 00:04:41,560
Pardon? Well, if we want to beat
St Maud's,
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00:04:41,560 --> 00:04:43,000
we need a professional in charge.
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00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:46,560
I mean, Mr Harper may be Z list,
but at least he's on a list.
103
00:04:47,600 --> 00:04:49,880
Stephen, it is no maje deal.
104
00:04:49,880 --> 00:04:52,320
No! Make it make sense!
105
00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:53,640
Well, it kind of does, you know.
106
00:04:53,640 --> 00:04:56,200
I'm a working actor,
killing it in the game right now,
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00:04:56,200 --> 00:04:59,800
and you're - no shade -
just in a transitional moment.
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00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:02,520
You think you could last
a day in my shoes?
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00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:04,760
Your chode toes could never.
110
00:05:04,760 --> 00:05:06,640
Oh, what, and you think my job
is easy, do you?
111
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:09,840
Well, I would love to see you
take on my legendary Nando's assault course.
112
00:05:09,840 --> 00:05:12,720
Hmm! Piece of piss.
I'm glad you feel so confident.
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I'll need someone to teach PE
whilst Mr Harper teachers drama.
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Um, sorry, what?
You want me to be him?
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What, a highly respected teacher
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affecting positive change in
students' lives? Good luck!
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Fine. Go off. I will just
sit back
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00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:27,320
wearing market stall rejects
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whilst I grab whatever processed
gunk I can get my mitts on.
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00:05:30,880 --> 00:05:32,560
All right.
121
00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:34,080
Fortune cookie?
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00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:36,440
Why not? Enjoy.
Who cares any more?!
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Pop it in.
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You can't do it, can you?
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Screw you!
I haven't eaten a carb since 2015.
126
00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:49,960
Just had me hair cut.
127
00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:51,400
It's looking a bit dry, though.
128
00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:54,080
Well, it's made out of recycled
fishnets. I really like it.
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00:05:54,080 --> 00:05:56,080
Come on, you lot.
I don't want you late for my class.
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00:05:56,080 --> 00:05:57,960
Uh, we've got drama next.
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00:05:57,960 --> 00:05:59,880
Correctamundo, mon petit pois.
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But Hoburn has put a bona fide
film star in charge of the drama
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00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:05,160
department to whip you lot
into shape for the big competition.
134
00:06:05,160 --> 00:06:07,840
Sir, are you sure you're ready for
this? We're up against St Maud's.
135
00:06:07,840 --> 00:06:10,480
Those stuck-up bitches beat us
in everything.
136
00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:14,080
Last year, them pagans pelted our
team with perfectly ripe avocados.
137
00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:17,560
Sir, St Maud's have one of the best
drama departments of the whole country.
138
00:06:17,560 --> 00:06:19,400
Ain't St Maud's your old school,
Jinx?
139
00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:21,840
Yes, but my theatrical
training ended the day
140
00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:24,440
I went up for Maria Von Trapp
in The Sound of Music.
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00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:28,760
Patience Fitzwalker spread a rumour
that I skied in Croatia.
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00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:30,760
I was blacklisted after that.
143
00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:32,920
HE INHALES SHARPLY
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Blessing, what are you doing?
145
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THEY LAUGH
SHE SIGHS
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I like the fit.
Move it, you lot.
147
00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:42,560
I'm on Community Service
again for being late.
148
00:06:42,560 --> 00:06:44,720
I told Hoburn it's cos I got to drop
my little brother off
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00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:46,760
at school first, but she don't care.
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00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:48,320
Mate, that is bang out of order.
151
00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:50,720
Well, she's pushed me
too far this time.
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00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:53,600
Operation Boss Man is go.
153
00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:57,840
PHONE PINGS
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Bernadette...
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"Bernadette."
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00:06:59,160 --> 00:07:01,760
..on behalf... "On behalf of
the League of Super Heads,
157
00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:04,680
"thank you for wearing that bowler
hat, as we requested."
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00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:06,000
You must complete...
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00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:09,280
"But you must complete many more
tasks before we deem you worthy
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00:07:09,280 --> 00:07:13,240
"of joining our powerful
and well-paid fraternity.
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00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:16,520
"Today, you must provide
your students with food from these
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"approved vendors,
to boost their productivity.
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"See that it is done."
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Mr Boss Man.
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"Mr...Booss Mahn."
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Super Head of the League
of Super Heads.
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00:07:29,520 --> 00:07:31,320
Hang on, so you're Mr Boss Man?
168
00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:33,200
HE LAUGHS
169
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That is quality.
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00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:35,720
I'm going to bankrupt her, then I'm
going to humiliate her
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00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:38,640
in front of all the posh schools.
But I need your help.
172
00:07:38,640 --> 00:07:42,760
OK, but first, you have got to
change because that look is not very forgiving and I am not living.
173
00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:44,960
Why are you talking like that?
174
00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:46,640
And where's Mr Carmichael?
175
00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:52,000
HE SCOFFS
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00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:52,000
Legendary.
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Please!
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Ugh!
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MUSIC: Players
by Coi Leray
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00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:03,400
Why you so scared?
181
00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:05,600
Tomato, tomato, tomato!
182
00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:08,960
OK, Miss Girl!
Think you ate that, right?
183
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:10,800
Well, you didn't!
184
00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:12,240
Miss Honey!
185
00:08:12,240 --> 00:08:13,800
Less Gigi..
186
00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:15,120
..more Bella.
187
00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:18,160
HE GASPS
188
00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:20,840
It's giving couture.
189
00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:22,480
Careful of the...
Agh!
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00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:24,040
It's fine. He'll live.
191
00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:26,960
Fine, I'll call for the medic.
192
00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:35,480
Oh!
193
00:08:37,760 --> 00:08:38,960
Ugh!
194
00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:54,160
Mm! Mm!
195
00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:02,280
Good morning, actors.
196
00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:04,880
What the hell, man?
Everything's gone.
197
00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:06,720
Where's the selfie corner?
198
00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:09,560
How can I create bomb content
with this dead overhead lighting?
199
00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:11,240
Ah, tsst. On your arses.
200
00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:13,280
SHE SIGHS
201
00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:16,160
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
202
00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:20,480
After spending the evening watching
YouTube clips
203
00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:23,080
of Inside The Actors Studio,
204
00:09:23,080 --> 00:09:27,760
I realised that if we are going
to win this competition,
205
00:09:27,760 --> 00:09:30,960
then we need to start taking our
craft a little bit more seriously.
206
00:09:30,960 --> 00:09:34,840
Well, you've messed up my craft now,
you little weirdo.
207
00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:36,160
We need to focus
208
00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:39,040
on authentic human observation.
209
00:09:39,040 --> 00:09:40,240
Posture, Warren. Ow!
210
00:09:40,240 --> 00:09:42,040
I won't tell you again. Thank you.
211
00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:44,760
Take, for example, Usma.
212
00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:45,960
Hmm?
213
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:49,640
She is SO obsessed with her
outer appearance,
214
00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:54,040
but does she ever really work
on what's on the inside?
215
00:09:54,040 --> 00:09:58,640
Is she too afraid to show
people the real Usma?
216
00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:02,520
Is she worried that they might
not like what they see?
217
00:10:02,520 --> 00:10:03,960
I've got to get out of here.
218
00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:06,280
Not being funny, sir,
but you need a therapist.
219
00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:07,640
You're sick!
220
00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:12,800
Mr Harper, what has got into you?
That was so not OK.
221
00:10:12,800 --> 00:10:14,960
That! Is! Acting!
222
00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:19,040
Speaking of which, today we are
focusing on Hong Kong cinema.
223
00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:22,160
Y'all are my crew of assassins,
Harrison, Warren, you're doves.
224
00:10:22,160 --> 00:10:25,720
Fly as if you are the souls
of my fallen enemies.
225
00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:27,600
Let's go!
226
00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:29,760
Operation Boss Man, phase two.
227
00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:32,640
I'm going to blast Hoburn in front
of the best schools in the country.
228
00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:33,800
Paint grenades?
229
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:36,480
Yeah. So I'm going to need you to
unlock the school for me tonight.
230
00:10:36,480 --> 00:10:38,120
I'm going to rig the stage
with them.
231
00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:41,400
Nope, can't do that.
What? Are you on her side?
232
00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:43,920
No, but competitive theatre
is a moment,
233
00:10:43,920 --> 00:10:46,080
and nothing can stop us
from slaying tomorrow.
234
00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:48,480
Sir! I trusted you.
235
00:10:49,560 --> 00:10:53,880
AMERICAN ACCENT: The only person
that you can trust is yourself.
236
00:10:53,880 --> 00:10:55,200
Cue the doves!
237
00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:57,240
MUSIC: Spybreak!
By Propellerheads
238
00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:59,280
MUSIC DROWNS SOUND
239
00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:12,680
No.
240
00:11:12,680 --> 00:11:14,720
RUCKUS
241
00:11:12,680 --> 00:11:14,720
Let's get our arms up!
242
00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:20,000
INDISTINCT CHATTER
243
00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:24,840
SHE SIGHS
244
00:11:26,880 --> 00:11:28,760
You're welcome, you're welcome.
245
00:11:28,760 --> 00:11:30,320
Um, what is this trash?
246
00:11:30,320 --> 00:11:32,880
I ordered a super-charged
vegan avocado pot noodle.
247
00:11:32,880 --> 00:11:33,960
They don't... Da-da-da!
248
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:35,680
Don't test me, Warren.
249
00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:40,440
Oh!
250
00:11:40,440 --> 00:11:43,680
Mr Carmichael,
what are you wearing?
251
00:11:43,680 --> 00:11:45,240
Sports luxe.
252
00:11:45,240 --> 00:11:48,520
Since you demoted me to PE, I've had
to give in to stretch fabrics.
253
00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:51,840
Well, it's not appropriate in a
school. You look like Paris Hilton.
254
00:11:51,840 --> 00:11:54,240
I met her once at a perfume launch.
Work?
255
00:11:54,240 --> 00:11:57,160
Yes, it was. I couldn't
understand a word she was saying
256
00:11:57,160 --> 00:12:00,000
and the perfume brought
the customers out in hives, but you live and learn.
257
00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:01,440
Sir?
258
00:12:01,440 --> 00:12:04,640
Sir, what's happened?
You're not strutting.
259
00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:07,320
Oh, you're wearing Uggs!
Do I look awful?
260
00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:09,720
Well...
Don't answer that.
261
00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:11,760
Oh, Warren, I'm so ashamed.
262
00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:13,240
I'm...
263
00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:15,760
WARREN GASPS
264
00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:15,760
I'm back on carbs.
265
00:12:15,760 --> 00:12:18,880
Oh, I'm so sorry, sir.
Maybe this is your mid-life crisis?
266
00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:19,920
Mid-life?!
267
00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:21,760
Um, I'm sorry, quarter life.
Better.
268
00:12:21,760 --> 00:12:24,640
Sir, we've really missed you.
All this drama's gone to Mr Harper's head.
269
00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:27,120
Oh, yeah, well,
it's gone to my hips, hmm?!
270
00:12:27,120 --> 00:12:28,880
I'm a size 32 now. 32!
271
00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:30,400
I mean, what is the point in living
272
00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:33,600
if I can't fit into my personally
curated fashion archives?!
273
00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:36,520
But I know who's to blame.
Yeah, Miss Hoburn.
274
00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:40,560
No! You bunch of sell-outs
for taking my beauty and talent for granted, hmm?
275
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:43,280
And in doing so,
creating a monster in Mitchell.
276
00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:46,760
He's got even worse ever since
he got verified on Instagram.
277
00:12:46,760 --> 00:12:47,920
Verified?
278
00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:50,560
DISTORTED RINGING
279
00:12:50,560 --> 00:12:52,240
Sir?
280
00:12:52,240 --> 00:12:54,720
Sir? Medic!
281
00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:56,760
Medic!
282
00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:56,760
SOUND DISTORTS
283
00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:00,160
Doughnuts! No!
284
00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:02,120
I need doughnuts! No!
285
00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:05,800
Oh, for God's sake, no!
286
00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:11,480
"Bernadette, you continue
to impress us." Hmm!
287
00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:16,240
"But it would not be appropriate
to serve street food
288
00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:20,040
"to St Maud's and the other
schools competing tomorrow.
289
00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:22,400
"They will expect a banquet,
290
00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:25,960
"which you must create tonight.
Single handed."
291
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:30,280
"Only then will you be worthy
of the league.
292
00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:32,360
"Mr Booss Mahn."
293
00:13:32,360 --> 00:13:33,880
Shit!
294
00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:35,920
MUSIC: Dumbest Girl Alive
by 100 gecs
295
00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:52,720
Ugh!
296
00:13:55,160 --> 00:13:57,200
BIRDS CHIRP
297
00:14:02,160 --> 00:14:05,560
Wassup!
Wassup!
298
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:11,600
BOTH: What's happening?
299
00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:21,720
Oh, no...
300
00:14:23,240 --> 00:14:26,840
Oh, my God, look at the time!
Shit!
301
00:14:26,840 --> 00:14:28,240
Shit!
302
00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:34,920
Stephen's turned into Mitchell,
Mitchell's turned into Stephen
303
00:14:34,920 --> 00:14:36,520
and now Hoburn is...
304
00:14:38,040 --> 00:14:39,200
..me.
305
00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:41,240
MUSIC: Used To Know Me
by Charli XCX
306
00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:44,160
The fortune cookie.
307
00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:48,760
What have I done?
308
00:14:54,680 --> 00:14:56,560
Jinx, you OK?
309
00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:58,360
Yeah, fine.
310
00:14:58,360 --> 00:15:02,080
You're supposed to be able to
hear your own heartbeat, right?
311
00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:04,000
Oh, God, it's Patience Fitzwalker.
312
00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:11,560
Oh! Hey, Jemima.
313
00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:13,200
Long time, no see.
314
00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:15,960
Looks like you've settled in
315
00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:15,960
quite nicely.
316
00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:15,960
GIRLS LAUGH
317
00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:18,120
Try her again and you're going
to wish you stayed at home
318
00:15:18,120 --> 00:15:20,200
to blend out that dead contour.
319
00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:24,040
Thanks, bestie.
320
00:15:24,040 --> 00:15:26,040
We got you. You Are quite annoying,
321
00:15:26,040 --> 00:15:27,840
but only we can tell you that.
322
00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:30,160
FRASER: Oh, God, Class K.
323
00:15:30,160 --> 00:15:31,600
What the hell? Oh...
324
00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:36,480
Straighten that tie. You'll never
succeed looking like a slattern.
325
00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:38,720
And don't breathe
in that gormless manner.
326
00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:40,080
St Maud's are here.
327
00:15:40,080 --> 00:15:41,840
Welcome!
328
00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:43,760
Hello. Shake a leg.
329
00:15:45,560 --> 00:15:48,240
Come on, Bernie.
You can do it.
330
00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:51,920
Time to become the Super Head
you were born to be!
331
00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:57,240
Oh, hello!
332
00:15:57,240 --> 00:15:59,480
Bernadette Hoburn, headmistress.
333
00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:01,760
Welcome to Abbey Grove.
334
00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:10,400
Quack quack!
335
00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:12,080
What is she doing?
336
00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:14,400
I don't know,
but I'm kind of into it.
337
00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:16,600
Whoo-whoo!
338
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:19,960
I've taken the liberty
of preparing some luncheon.
339
00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:21,080
Amuse bouche?
340
00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:23,880
ALL: Ugh!
341
00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:28,720
No, this is mostly chocolate.
Ugh!
342
00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:30,880
Please, right this way.
343
00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:32,640
Wait, wait, come back!
344
00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:35,000
I-I-I presume you've already eaten?
345
00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:40,440
You all right, miss?
346
00:16:40,440 --> 00:16:42,440
Oh, yes. Absolutely fine.
347
00:16:42,440 --> 00:16:45,760
Yes, I obviously just haven't
got what it takes.
348
00:16:45,760 --> 00:16:48,760
Or maybe this is part of the test.
349
00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:51,720
You need to prove your courage
to the League of Super Heads.
350
00:16:53,560 --> 00:16:55,240
WHISPER: How do you know about
the League?
351
00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:56,960
I'm a...legacy, innit?
352
00:16:56,960 --> 00:17:00,120
Mr Boss Man's, like, my weird uncle
or something.
353
00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:02,960
Boss Man?!
I've been pronouncing it Booss Mahn!
354
00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:05,000
I know how you can earn
back his respect
355
00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:08,640
and get revenge on St Maud's
for humiliating you.
356
00:17:08,640 --> 00:17:10,520
Of course. Anything.
357
00:17:13,440 --> 00:17:15,840
I got a wife and a three kids
358
00:17:15,840 --> 00:17:17,600
One day my boss said to me...
359
00:17:18,880 --> 00:17:20,920
MUSIC: Money
by Leikeli47
360
00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:39,520
SOUND DISTORTED
361
00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:46,080
Actors...
362
00:17:46,080 --> 00:17:48,760
..why y'all looking
so...Les Miserable?
363
00:17:48,760 --> 00:17:51,760
I'm not sure everyone's
recovered from yesterday, sir.
364
00:17:51,760 --> 00:17:55,000
I couldn't sleep after being called
a first-class fun sponge.
365
00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:57,400
Warren, we were just
tapping into the foundations,
366
00:17:57,400 --> 00:17:59,920
so we can slay the house down shoes!
Boots.
367
00:17:59,920 --> 00:18:03,240
Never question my methods,
all right? I need y'all to focus.
368
00:18:05,080 --> 00:18:07,160
I've just dropped my first
line of merchandise.
369
00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:09,360
It's called Merch-ell.
Have a look.
370
00:18:09,360 --> 00:18:12,040
HE CHUCKLES
371
00:18:09,360 --> 00:18:12,040
Look.
372
00:18:12,040 --> 00:18:14,800
It's me. Get the logo in,
get the logo.
373
00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:17,760
So, I need y'all to sell, sell,
sell, sell, sell!
374
00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:20,680
Nope, I'm sorry, sir. Selling a
rival's merchandise is a complete
375
00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:22,760
breach of contract
with Mr Carmichael.
376
00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:24,400
Potato, potato, potato!
377
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:26,440
Circle of trust, guys.
Come on, let's warm up.
378
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:29,400
HE INHALES DEEPLY
AGGRESSIVELY: Try it, you slice.
379
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:31,040
Try it, you slice!
380
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:31,040
KIDS JOIN IN
381
00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:32,640
ALL: Try it, you slice!
382
00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:35,760
Seven sorts shagging
on Southend's sea shore.
383
00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:39,840
ALL: Seven sorts shagging
on Southend's sea shore.
384
00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:44,560
It's an honour to host
the tenth annual Theatre Games,
385
00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:48,840
combining the thrill of sport
with the sitting down of theatre.
386
00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:52,720
As host school, Abbey Grove
will choose the key word.
387
00:18:52,720 --> 00:18:57,040
Each team will have one hour
to devise a theatrical piece
388
00:18:57,040 --> 00:18:59,760
based on that word.
389
00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:01,000
Mr Harper...
390
00:19:02,160 --> 00:19:03,680
..pick an envelope.
391
00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:20,920
B for "Britney, bitch."
392
00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:23,240
And the word is...
393
00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:25,360
..abasement.
394
00:19:25,360 --> 00:19:28,200
Sir, do you even know what
abasement means?
395
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:29,520
Duh!
396
00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:31,640
It's under a ground floor.
Um...
397
00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:32,840
Oh.
398
00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:35,200
Right, line up in, um...
399
00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:37,880
..height order.
400
00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:39,000
OK...
401
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:40,840
Quickly, hurry up.
I've got a bit on you.
402
00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:43,240
Definitely taller than you.
Picture this.
403
00:19:43,240 --> 00:19:46,400
Fear And Loathing In Bas Vegas 3...
404
00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:47,720
..The Russian Job.
405
00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:51,640
Right, we're moving powder out of
Budapest because... Well, work.
406
00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:54,200
But some slags from Moscow
have got us cornered.
407
00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:58,400
Oi, Vladimir, Oestrogen,
let us out!
408
00:19:58,400 --> 00:19:59,800
"Na-yet!"
409
00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:04,720
So now it looks like we've got to
shoot our way out of this abasement.
410
00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:06,480
Right, everyone,
behind the barricade.
411
00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:08,160
Yeah!
412
00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:09,480
We're not going to win, are we?
413
00:20:09,480 --> 00:20:11,000
I don't think so, no.
414
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:13,040
MUSIC: Dance Around It
by Joel Corry and Caity Baser
415
00:20:22,120 --> 00:20:28,760
Welcome to the - quote, unquote -
legendary Nando's assault course.
416
00:20:30,360 --> 00:20:32,360
The rules!
417
00:20:32,360 --> 00:20:36,000
Get the balloon round
the course using teamwork.
418
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:39,200
The balloon cannot touch the floor.
419
00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:42,800
The black balloons at the very top
of the spice scale
420
00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:46,280
are full of something called
California Reaper.
421
00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:48,280
But you're not ready for those.
422
00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:49,560
Plain Janes...
423
00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:52,640
..let's go.
424
00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:55,240
MUSIC: Whoo! Alright - Yeah...Uh Huh
by The Rapture
425
00:21:06,720 --> 00:21:08,840
HE COUGHS
426
00:21:08,840 --> 00:21:10,880
GIRL SCREAMS
427
00:21:13,560 --> 00:21:15,720
Get it together, you pussies!
428
00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:18,320
It's only lemon and herb!
429
00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:21,680
I guess I'll have to show
how a real legend does it.
430
00:21:22,880 --> 00:21:25,360
Cor, these Russians
are proper naughty!
431
00:21:25,360 --> 00:21:26,840
They got dogs an' all.
432
00:21:26,840 --> 00:21:29,400
Looks like it's curtains for me
and my geezers -
433
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:31,560
Jason, Baz, Boney and Turkish Tel.
434
00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:33,280
THEY SNICKER
435
00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:36,200
STILTED: They ain't taking the
abasement yet.
436
00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:38,400
Let's paint the walls with 'em.
437
00:21:38,400 --> 00:21:39,680
Oh, my God. Cut!
438
00:21:39,680 --> 00:21:44,240
I have seen more passion
in a Mariah Carey performance.
439
00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:46,080
I've had it! That's enough!
440
00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:49,320
We've got ten minutes left
and nothing to show for it!
441
00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:51,560
Bye!
442
00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:51,560
SHE SIGHS
443
00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:54,400
Sorry, sir, but you are three-much!
444
00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:55,960
We're relieving you of your duties.
445
00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:58,200
Wait, what? Is this is a stitch up?
446
00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:02,600
No, no, no, no, no... Mutiny!
Mutiny!
447
00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:04,120
You're all traitors!
448
00:22:05,440 --> 00:22:07,880
No, no, no, no, no,
get that thing away from me.
449
00:22:07,880 --> 00:22:09,400
Not carbs, you little feeder!
450
00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:11,680
Eat it!
My body is a temple!
451
00:22:11,680 --> 00:22:13,000
No!
Eat it!
452
00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:14,080
No, no!
453
00:22:14,080 --> 00:22:16,000
Yes, yes, yes!
Get it down you!
454
00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:18,200
Mm! Mm, mm!
455
00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:20,240
Dirty boy.
456
00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:20,240
HE LAUGHS
457
00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:22,280
MUSIC: 2 Be Loved (Am I Ready)
by Lizzo
458
00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:32,440
HE GASPS
459
00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:32,440
Holy shit!
460
00:22:32,440 --> 00:22:34,280
What?
461
00:22:34,280 --> 00:22:35,680
Why am I wearing a beret?
462
00:22:35,680 --> 00:22:37,640
Do you really not remember?
463
00:22:37,640 --> 00:22:38,920
I remember...
464
00:22:40,240 --> 00:22:42,960
I remember I was a bit of a prick.
465
00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:44,760
I'm sorry, guys, I...
466
00:22:44,760 --> 00:22:46,280
I think I was just hangry.
467
00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:49,160
That'll do, Mr Harper. That'll do.
468
00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:50,800
But what about the play?
469
00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:53,640
I'm guessing abasement doesn't
mean a basement?
470
00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:55,240
It's too late, sir.
471
00:22:55,240 --> 00:22:57,040
The performance starts
in ten minutes.
472
00:22:57,040 --> 00:23:00,000
No, I am not going to let you
go out there and look like a bunch of wankers.
473
00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:02,240
We need Mr Carmichael. Yeah.
474
00:23:03,360 --> 00:23:04,840
A bit dramatic.
475
00:23:04,840 --> 00:23:06,280
STEPHEN: Watch and learn.
476
00:23:10,320 --> 00:23:13,160
Sir, sir, we need you! I messed up.
The show starts in ten minutes
477
00:23:13,160 --> 00:23:16,200
and we have nothing to show for it.
Please, come back. Please! Sh.
478
00:23:16,200 --> 00:23:18,000
I knew you lot would come
crawling back.
479
00:23:18,000 --> 00:23:19,320
Well, forget it!
480
00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:21,600
Look, I know that I let the acting
go to my head,
481
00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:24,080
but don't take it out on the kids.
482
00:23:24,080 --> 00:23:26,240
It's about time you lot
learned a lesson.
483
00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:29,960
Y'all can sleep in your lumpy beds
cos I ain't ever coming back.
484
00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:31,040
Shapische?!
485
00:23:31,040 --> 00:23:33,120
HE SCREAMS
486
00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:34,880
Argh, my eyes!
487
00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:37,600
Jesus Christ!
488
00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:37,600
ALL COUGHING
489
00:23:37,600 --> 00:23:39,160
Did you use real chilli powder?
490
00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:40,680
Well, duh! Are you mad?
491
00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:42,360
I just...
492
00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:42,360
HE COUGHS
493
00:23:42,360 --> 00:23:44,960
I just tell the kids it's chilli
powder to get them psyched up!
494
00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:46,920
What is legendary about that?!
495
00:23:46,920 --> 00:23:48,840
Oh, my God! Warren!
496
00:23:48,840 --> 00:23:53,280
My faithful companion, help me!
497
00:23:53,280 --> 00:23:57,000
Oh! I've hit rock-bottom!
498
00:23:57,000 --> 00:24:00,760
I'm dying. Don't worry, sir,
everything's going to be OK.
499
00:24:00,760 --> 00:24:03,720
My eyes!
500
00:24:00,760 --> 00:24:03,720
DRAMATIC SOBS
501
00:24:03,720 --> 00:24:05,640
STIFLED COUGHING
502
00:24:03,720 --> 00:24:05,640
Sh, sh!
503
00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:09,040
Oh, Class K! Sing me
my favourite lullaby.
504
00:24:09,040 --> 00:24:14,640
ALL, SLOWLY: Don't you wish your
girlfriend was hot like me?
505
00:24:14,640 --> 00:24:16,080
Thank you!
506
00:24:16,080 --> 00:24:18,120
Don't cha...?
507
00:24:16,080 --> 00:24:18,120
STEPHEN SOBS
508
00:24:18,120 --> 00:24:19,840
Don't cha?
509
00:24:21,240 --> 00:24:23,480
Don't cha?
510
00:24:30,040 --> 00:24:32,280
We're sorry we abandoned you.
511
00:24:32,280 --> 00:24:36,520
We had our heads turned
by Mr Harper's 15 minutes of fame.
512
00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:39,920
But now we know what a real star
looks like.
513
00:24:41,360 --> 00:24:43,520
A star?
514
00:24:43,520 --> 00:24:46,200
Maybe I was once, but...
515
00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:48,360
..look at what I've become.
516
00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:52,520
A shadow of my former self!
517
00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:56,560
But I will wilt no longer...
518
00:25:00,560 --> 00:25:04,320
..and lay before y'all
in this deadout look
519
00:25:04,320 --> 00:25:06,720
and unmoisturised skin.
WHISPERING: Skin, skin!
520
00:25:06,720 --> 00:25:10,000
Ready to emerge from this cocoon!
521
00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:12,040
AUDIENCE GASPS
522
00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:17,960
Was he wearing that the whole time?
Sh!
523
00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:19,920
I remember that the bad bitch life
chose me
524
00:25:19,920 --> 00:25:22,640
and I will never, ever be
basic again.
525
00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:26,560
I may have been humbled!
526
00:25:28,160 --> 00:25:30,360
I may have been abased!
527
00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:33,240
But now...
528
00:25:35,160 --> 00:25:37,840
I'm free!
ALL: Free!
529
00:25:37,840 --> 00:25:40,280
Bravo!
Hmm?
530
00:25:40,280 --> 00:25:42,400
Bravo!
531
00:25:40,280 --> 00:25:42,400
CHEERING
532
00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:45,120
Wait...
533
00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:45,120
HE CHUCKLES
534
00:25:45,120 --> 00:25:46,720
Is this for me?
535
00:25:48,600 --> 00:25:50,560
What is this?
536
00:25:50,560 --> 00:25:54,240
Oh, Warren, describe their happy
faces to me.
537
00:25:54,240 --> 00:25:56,000
Paint me a picture of their tears.
538
00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:05,400
Gentlemen! Refreshments,
Abbey Grove style.
539
00:26:05,400 --> 00:26:09,480
We've got tea, biscuits and some
old copies of Rustle I had
540
00:26:09,480 --> 00:26:11,800
squirrelled away for the janitor's
Christmas present.
541
00:26:11,800 --> 00:26:14,600
That poor man never got over
the loss of his wife.
542
00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:15,880
Um... Oh.
543
00:26:15,880 --> 00:26:18,040
Oh, that's got a bit of...
544
00:26:18,040 --> 00:26:20,520
Is that milk? Hmm.
545
00:26:20,520 --> 00:26:22,480
OK. Um... Shall I be mother?
546
00:26:24,880 --> 00:26:26,600
Ow!
Sorry.
547
00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:28,840
And, um...I'm sorry.
548
00:26:28,840 --> 00:26:30,840
I think we both got a bit
carried away.
549
00:26:30,840 --> 00:26:32,200
Yes...
550
00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:33,960
..you did.
551
00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:36,080
But I'm sorry too.
552
00:26:36,080 --> 00:26:39,120
Your assault course
was actually pretty epic
553
00:26:39,120 --> 00:26:42,600
and I maybe underestimated you.
554
00:26:42,600 --> 00:26:44,600
Or overestimated me.
Huh?
555
00:26:44,600 --> 00:26:46,760
Using real chilli powder?
556
00:26:46,760 --> 00:26:49,040
I mean, that's a bit bloody
irresponsible, even for me.
557
00:26:49,040 --> 00:26:52,680
I mean, I guess I didn't see you
harnessing the power of illusion in PE.
558
00:26:52,680 --> 00:26:55,400
Careful planning is the key to
a successful lesson.
559
00:26:55,400 --> 00:26:56,880
Ooft, you sound like a real teacher.
560
00:26:56,880 --> 00:26:58,920
MITCHELL GAGS
561
00:27:01,840 --> 00:27:04,200
You smell like a vindaloo!
562
00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:05,480
Vinder who?
563
00:27:05,480 --> 00:27:07,520
EXCITED CHATTER AND LAUGHTER
564
00:27:10,560 --> 00:27:13,560
DRAMATIC SIGH
565
00:27:10,560 --> 00:27:13,560
Congrats on the win,
566
00:27:13,560 --> 00:27:16,000
cos you're certainly not winning
at life.
567
00:27:16,000 --> 00:27:18,320
Ugh, piss off, Patience.
568
00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:20,560
Shove your straw hat up your arse.
569
00:27:20,560 --> 00:27:22,080
Oh-ho-ho!
570
00:27:22,080 --> 00:27:23,640
ALL: Oh-ho-ho!
571
00:27:23,640 --> 00:27:26,120
LAUGHTER AND JEERING
572
00:27:23,640 --> 00:27:26,120
I can't believe I did that!
573
00:27:26,120 --> 00:27:28,360
Oh, my God!
574
00:27:28,360 --> 00:27:30,000
Any second thoughts?
575
00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:33,360
Absolutely not.
We're over Dresden, Blessing.
576
00:27:33,360 --> 00:27:34,640
Bombs away!
577
00:27:35,680 --> 00:27:37,920
Mr Boss Man...
578
00:27:37,920 --> 00:27:39,480
..isn't real.
579
00:27:39,480 --> 00:27:41,800
But the bowler hat?
The food stalls?
580
00:27:41,800 --> 00:27:43,720
It was all me.
581
00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:46,240
You were punishing me for looking
out for my little brother,
582
00:27:46,240 --> 00:27:48,080
so I wanted to get you back.
583
00:27:49,640 --> 00:27:51,440
But you're all right, Miss.
584
00:27:52,520 --> 00:27:54,160
And you're...
585
00:27:54,160 --> 00:27:56,840
..top button is undone. I want a
2,000 word essay
586
00:27:56,840 --> 00:27:58,760
on the importance of a covered neck.
587
00:27:58,760 --> 00:28:00,720
You know I'm never going
to do that.
588
00:28:00,720 --> 00:28:02,400
I know.
589
00:28:02,400 --> 00:28:04,200
I know!
590
00:28:04,200 --> 00:28:05,600
Oh!
591
00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:07,640
ST MAUD'S STUDENTS SCREAM
592
00:28:07,640 --> 00:28:09,680
LAUGHTER
593
00:28:09,680 --> 00:28:11,000
Miss!
594
00:28:13,280 --> 00:28:15,360
SHE SCREAMS
595
00:28:15,360 --> 00:28:17,400
MUSIC: Igor's Theme
by Tyler, The Creator
596
00:28:29,840 --> 00:28:31,840
So you're the dirty little...
597
00:28:31,840 --> 00:28:33,320
Hi-yah!
598
00:28:33,320 --> 00:28:36,240
Huh! Pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah!
599
00:28:36,240 --> 00:28:37,560
Pow-pow-pow-pow-pow!
600
00:28:37,560 --> 00:28:38,640
Hit!
601
00:28:38,640 --> 00:28:41,360
Ow! Huh!
602
00:28:41,360 --> 00:28:43,120
Hoi! Hoi!
603
00:28:43,120 --> 00:28:44,520
Ha!
604
00:28:46,520 --> 00:28:49,080
Ah!
605
00:28:49,080 --> 00:28:51,120
GUNSHOTS
606
00:28:51,120 --> 00:28:53,160
EXCITED CHATTER
607
00:28:55,240 --> 00:28:57,600
Now, THAT'S acting!
608
00:29:02,520 --> 00:29:04,080
Yeah, proper tings
609
00:29:18,080 --> 00:29:19,400
Original style
610
00:29:19,400 --> 00:29:20,760
We come to kick it down
611
00:29:20,760 --> 00:29:22,280
The wicked man is wild
612
00:29:22,280 --> 00:29:23,480
Yeah.
613
00:29:23,530 --> 00:29:28,080
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