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This programme contains adult humour
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BELL TOLLS
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00:00:13,840 --> 00:00:16,600
There's another diva up in heaven,
all dressed up in Prada.
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00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:19,160
He was technically our teacher,
but he taught us nada.
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00:00:19,160 --> 00:00:21,800
He lived by our motto,
more is more!
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00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:24,920
But now the brother's dead
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Dead as a door.
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00:00:26,720 --> 00:00:29,120
Nu, nu, nu, nu, nu, nu, nay-ay-ay.
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Dead as your shoes-ah.
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But you're pitching, though,
you're pitching. Silence! Enough.
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00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:41,440
I need to hear what you all say
about me when I'm gone.
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00:00:41,440 --> 00:00:44,360
Gone forever, tragically. For you.
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I'm leaving Abbey Grove because...
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..I am gooped to announce
I will be starring
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00:00:52,160 --> 00:00:55,560
in a seasonal extravaganza!
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A pantomime, a mere stone's throw
away from London, St Martin's Lane.
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00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:02,480
Well, it's in Swindon.
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Swindon? The big leagues.
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00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:06,560
I know, I know.
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00:01:06,560 --> 00:01:08,840
But you said you'd never do panto
over your dead body.
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00:01:08,840 --> 00:01:12,520
I said I wouldn't whore myself out
to some provincial panto.
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00:01:12,520 --> 00:01:16,440
But, I'm sure you'll all agree,
I can't let you hold me back
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00:01:16,440 --> 00:01:19,040
any longer.
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CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYS
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Oh! Hoburn has rented out
the playground to some
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German Christmas market.
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I do not need reminding that I am
a year older and not a penny richer.
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00:01:31,760 --> 00:01:34,720
Oi, oi! Merry Xmas, one and all!
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Oh, not using Xmas.
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It's Cwis-moish!
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Anyway, why are you glowing like
a Greggs greasy sausage roll?
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Mate, that is the nicest thing
that anyone has ever said to me.
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00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:52,000
Oi, Jinx - ain't Christmas the tits?
Loads of booze, loads of food,
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loads of pressies. You can't afford
any of those things.
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00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:57,600
This morning we were trying to buy
Lego with one of your kidneys.
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00:01:57,600 --> 00:01:59,720
Well, yeah, I was, until the seller
blocked me.
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00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:01,840
Did you know that eBay
don't accept organs?
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00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:04,440
Is that how, like, Instagram
don't let you post nipples? Exactly.
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00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:06,680
It's an entirely different thing.
That's what it is.
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00:02:06,680 --> 00:02:08,600
But do you know what doesn't
cost us a penny?
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00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:10,480
The Abbey Grove Christmas lunch.
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Not now, not ever.
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00:02:12,240 --> 00:02:14,800
I'm not going to sit around
and watch you get drunk and go on
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00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:17,200
about how Diehard
is a Christmas movie.
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Well, it is. No, it isn't.
It's set at Christmas.
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But could you watch and enjoy it
at any time of the year?
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00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:24,600
Well, I could do if you didn't
keep changing your Netflix password.
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00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:27,400
It's Stephen is a star,
but all the Ss are dollar signs.
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Legend.
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BELL RINGS
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Come on, you lot, don't want
to be late for the Christmas lunch.
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Sir, are you really not going
to come to lunch?
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It's not that I care, but I don't
not, not, not care, innit?
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00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:47,320
Look, I am sorry, but I am meeting
the rest of the cast tonight,
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and I need a disco nap.
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I want to look good.
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So what, this is goodbye, then?
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I guess so.
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You'll be my prayers.
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00:02:58,080 --> 00:02:59,440
TTYN.
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WIND BLOWS
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GHOSTLY VOICE MOANS
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STEPHEN MOANS
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Mitchell?
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Have you been drinking
Fraser's eggnog again?
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00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:50,960
Mitchell!
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00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:52,640
Mitchell?
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00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:56,200
Just make sure you put some
newspaper down before you pass out
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00:03:56,200 --> 00:03:59,480
this time.
The janitor is still trauma...
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00:03:59,480 --> 00:04:01,640
Ah!
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00:04:01,640 --> 00:04:05,880
WIND CONTINUES TO BLOW
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WIND STOPS
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Ah!
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00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:23,160
Alfie? Ask me not who I am,
but who I was.
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00:04:23,160 --> 00:04:25,200
All right, erm...
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00:04:25,200 --> 00:04:30,520
Were you Alfie? In life
I was Alfred Prufrock Wickers,
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but no longer.
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You look like you've been dug up.
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00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:38,600
Yes, I literally have.
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00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:41,920
So, eh - are you dead?
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00:04:41,920 --> 00:04:45,240
Yes! It's just you've always been,
a little pasty.
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00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:49,160
Right, could you just shut up
and let me haunt you, please?
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00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:52,760
It is not too late
to escape my fate, Stephen.
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00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:55,600
You will be visited
by three spirits.
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They will prove to you
that you belong at Abbey Grove.
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Erm, I'm good. Absolutely not.
Thank you.
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Aaaahhhh!
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00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:07,360
Raaaahhhhh!
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00:05:07,360 --> 00:05:09,560
Alfie? You sound like
you're in terrible pain.
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00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:12,320
Are you OK? Yes.
I'm just getting ready to sing.
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00:05:12,320 --> 00:05:14,000
Oh.
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MUSIC BEGINS
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00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:23,200
These are the chains
I forged in life
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00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:26,200
Hewn from the grades
of my students
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00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:29,120
Ds, Es, Us, no As in sight
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00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:32,440
It seems at my job
I was useless
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00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:35,280
Now I wander the world a spectre
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00:05:35,280 --> 00:05:38,640
Chased by undead
Ofsted inspectors
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00:05:38,640 --> 00:05:41,640
So former students,
show some improvement
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00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:45,360
Otherwise you'll wind up
just like me.
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00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:48,160
Will they also make me
wear that gilet?
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What? Silence!
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Heed what I say
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In your idleness, you have shunned
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The noble tools of the teacher
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00:05:57,160 --> 00:06:00,080
You don't give
a hoot for curriculums
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00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:03,200
You don't even go on Wikipedia
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00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:06,240
You're failing the
children in your charge
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00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:09,360
The bill for your sins
has become quite large
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00:06:09,360 --> 00:06:10,760
But, Stephen, wait
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00:06:10,760 --> 00:06:12,680
It's not too late
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00:06:12,680 --> 00:06:16,560
For Christmas is
our time to change
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The key...
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00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:25,800
Those ghostly creatures
attack shit teachers
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That's right
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00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:28,760
They got the right man though
What?
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00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:30,200
And, yeah, that sucks for you
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00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:32,040
But ya, boo, sucks to you
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00:06:32,040 --> 00:06:34,120
Cos I'm off to do panto
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00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:36,560
I'm going to be a star
You mustn't go
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I'm going to shine so bright
I am a ghost, so I should know you're going
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00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:41,520
I'm going to see my name
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In massive bloody lights!
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00:06:44,680 --> 00:06:46,200
Tonight! Tonight!
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00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:48,880
You will be visited
by spirits three
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Each here to teach you a lesson
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Heed their words or become like me
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A wraith with a case of depression
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And a boring song,
and a bad gilet...
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00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:04,800
Stephen, please!
You must listen to the spirits.
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00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:06,320
Stay where you belong.
What?
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00:07:06,320 --> 00:07:08,040
Remain at Abbey Grove!
No.
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00:07:08,040 --> 00:07:09,680
You've been here for so long
I know!
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00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:10,840
We'd hate for you to go
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00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:14,600
But I don't want to be a teacher
136
00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:22,600
Then prepare to meet your doom!
137
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WIND RUSHES
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Busted.
139
00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:38,840
You're not the first person
who's tried playing dead on me.
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00:07:38,840 --> 00:07:40,480
Fraser. What do you want?
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00:07:40,480 --> 00:07:42,320
I come to you on a matter
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00:07:42,320 --> 00:07:44,320
of deadly seriousness.
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They call me
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The Ghost Of Christmas Past.
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00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:51,680
Oh! I think the kids
are just being unkind.
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00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:53,760
No, I'm a ghost!
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00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:56,880
I am here because I am
concerned for your welfare.
148
00:07:56,880 --> 00:07:58,400
Well, you did just wake me up
149
00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:00,720
from a very, very
important disco nap, so...
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00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:02,720
And I don't have to notify
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00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:05,520
"qualified medical practitioners"
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00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:09,360
before wading into the darkest
recesses of your psyche
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00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:11,600
on little more than a hunch.
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00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:14,160
It's just like the good old days.
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00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:16,840
It's just like the good old days.
156
00:08:16,840 --> 00:08:19,680
It's just like the good old...
OK, night-night.
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00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:21,080
You have to take my hand.
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00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:22,480
Really?
159
00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:24,800
Mm. I'm taking you back to the past.
160
00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:34,600
Uh-uh. Nuh-uh.
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00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:40,480
It used to be so lovely
Lovely
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Back in the good old days
Back in the good old days
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Life was easier
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Folks were breezier
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00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:50,800
"Bantersaurus" was my catchphrase
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We used to be such jokers
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"Problematic"
is the word you want, hon
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00:08:56,560 --> 00:08:58,080
What you talkin' about?
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00:08:58,080 --> 00:08:59,520
If things were problematic
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00:08:59,520 --> 00:09:01,200
We'd call for a mechanic
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00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:04,040
Cos in the past
we had harmless fun
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00:09:04,040 --> 00:09:07,600
You could whack out
a chieftain's head dress
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00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:10,120
To help raise awareness
How?
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00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:11,840
Now you're getting it?
No!
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00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:14,680
Life was easy-peasy, breezy
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00:09:14,680 --> 00:09:16,240
But it's much better now
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00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:17,600
Don't be so holier than thou
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00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:21,320
Back then we all
could dance to Kanye
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00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:24,000
With no-one saying it's wrong
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00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:26,000
With the mobs on Twitter
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00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:28,040
We could play Gold Digger
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00:09:28,040 --> 00:09:29,840
And really sing along!
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00:09:31,760 --> 00:09:34,920
Fraser, the past was awful
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00:09:34,920 --> 00:09:37,720
So drop all that tired cliches
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00:09:37,720 --> 00:09:39,720
I hear ya
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00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:42,000
Life was easy-peasy, breezy, easy
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00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:44,920
Back in the good old days
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00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:48,320
You could chat up girls
with no backlash
189
00:09:48,320 --> 00:09:52,200
You could tell your male students,
"No splash, no gash"
190
00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:04,480
CHATTER, CHEERING
191
00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:07,480
So once more for the cheap seats
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00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:11,400
Just like all the old stars say
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00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:13,560
That now, then, now, then
194
00:10:13,560 --> 00:10:15,520
We could all be proud then
195
00:10:15,520 --> 00:10:18,800
Back in the good old
196
00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:20,520
Bantersaurus, ROFLcopter
197
00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:22,440
God, I think he needs a doctor
198
00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:24,680
Good... Bad! ..old...
Bad! ..days!
199
00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:31,440
MUSIC PLAYS FAINTLY
200
00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:33,760
It's Christmas 2010.
201
00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:35,680
Matt Cardle is number one
202
00:10:35,680 --> 00:10:38,080
and all is right with the world.
203
00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:40,840
But who's this solitary boy?
204
00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:44,040
As solitary as an oyster.
205
00:10:44,040 --> 00:10:45,400
Relaxed hair,
206
00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:47,480
blue contact lenses.
207
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,800
This must have been
my white Christmas.
208
00:10:49,800 --> 00:10:53,400
God, I hope it's not my
black Christmas. Hmm?
209
00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:54,560
Fraser.
210
00:10:54,560 --> 00:10:57,040
You have ruined my life.
211
00:10:57,040 --> 00:10:59,560
First you banned
ra-ra skirts at school.
212
00:10:59,560 --> 00:11:01,000
Now this?!
213
00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:02,880
You knew I auditioned
for drama school.
214
00:11:02,880 --> 00:11:04,800
I've been waiting and
waiting for an offer.
215
00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:05,960
And then I find this.
216
00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:16,800
Dear Stephen, thank you
for your unusual audition.
217
00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:19,840
You're the first student who
has used the threat of violence
218
00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:21,520
to keep our panel seated
219
00:11:21,520 --> 00:11:23,720
throughout an entire one-man play
220
00:11:23,720 --> 00:11:26,480
about Cheryl Cole's back tattoo.
221
00:11:26,480 --> 00:11:28,920
You may call me "Cole"
222
00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:31,560
You may call me "Tweedy"
223
00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:34,120
SINGS ALONG:
You may call me Cheryl
224
00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:35,600
Or Ms Fernandez-Versini...
225
00:11:37,320 --> 00:11:40,960
But when I hear you tattoo
226
00:11:42,520 --> 00:11:46,520
These roses on my arse!
227
00:11:46,520 --> 00:11:48,520
Crypto! Buy crypto!
228
00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:50,040
He can't hear me.
229
00:11:50,040 --> 00:11:51,080
Crypto.
230
00:11:52,360 --> 00:11:53,840
But where's the rest of the letter?
231
00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:56,840
You tore it up. Well, it must
be around here somewhere.
232
00:11:56,840 --> 00:11:58,240
Let's have a look for it.
233
00:11:58,240 --> 00:11:59,600
Not in there!
234
00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:00,640
Ahh!
235
00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:02,680
Have you got weird shit
in all of these drawers?
236
00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:05,320
What's weird about
a collection of hair?
237
00:12:05,320 --> 00:12:06,920
Wait.
238
00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:08,120
That's it.
239
00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:11,400
You know how I'm not allowed to go
to people's parties any more? Mm.
240
00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:13,560
Parents, police, Operation: Snooze.
241
00:12:13,560 --> 00:12:15,800
Well, I was desperate to attend
242
00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:17,440
Brad Tinkler's Sweet 16.
243
00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:18,880
Not Brad!
244
00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:23,160
So, I made a decoy, a
life-sized replica of myself.
245
00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:26,680
To leave under your duvet whilst you
snuck out your bedroom at night?
246
00:12:26,680 --> 00:12:28,360
Better!
247
00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:29,800
I left the decoy at Brad's house.
248
00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:32,520
That way,
I was safely tucked up in bed,
249
00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:35,840
but everyone thought I was stood
stock-still on the dance floor
250
00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:38,600
all nights like a bloody legend.
251
00:12:38,600 --> 00:12:42,960
Fraser! The point is, I made
the decoy out of papier mache
252
00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:45,480
and I'm afraid I used your letter
253
00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:48,680
to make...this.
254
00:12:48,680 --> 00:12:51,240
Mr and Mrs Tinkler were not amused.
255
00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:53,080
Oh, my God.
256
00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:54,720
I don't belong here.
257
00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:57,720
Surrounded by knuckle-dragging
norms like Mitchell Harper.
258
00:12:57,720 --> 00:12:59,640
Fair!
259
00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:01,480
You've heard of evolution!
260
00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:03,680
Humans descended from apes.
261
00:13:03,680 --> 00:13:05,320
Well, like all myths,
262
00:13:05,320 --> 00:13:07,520
therein lies a grain of truth.
263
00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:10,120
You might be surprised about
how much you have in common
264
00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:11,440
with those knuckle-draggers.
265
00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:13,520
I don't want anything
in common with them.
266
00:13:13,520 --> 00:13:15,600
If I'm like them, then
what makes me special?
267
00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:17,880
I'm not going to apologise
for being ambitious.
268
00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:19,560
The school isn't all about success.
269
00:13:19,560 --> 00:13:20,720
Really?
270
00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:23,040
Then how come I keep getting
told I'm failing my kids?
271
00:13:23,040 --> 00:13:25,600
Trust me, that is not
the burn you think it is.
272
00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:28,760
So I'm going to be a
Abbey Grove until I'm 16?!
273
00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:31,680
Poor boy. You're going to be
here a lot longer than that.
274
00:13:31,680 --> 00:13:33,160
How old are you again?
275
00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:35,360
I want to say twenty-ni...
Shut up, Fraser!
276
00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:39,920
Wait, Stephen!
277
00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:42,840
Stephen, wait! Nah!
278
00:13:47,080 --> 00:13:48,720
I'm trying to show you
279
00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:51,480
that you can be happy
at Abbey Grove.
280
00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:53,080
If only you'd accept
281
00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:55,760
that every single
one of us is a star
282
00:13:55,760 --> 00:13:57,480
in our own special way.
283
00:13:57,480 --> 00:13:58,800
I'd rather die.
284
00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:00,000
But tell me this.
285
00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:01,720
Did I get a place at drama school?
286
00:14:01,720 --> 00:14:02,800
Yes.
287
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:04,200
But if it's any consolation,
288
00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:05,800
when they never heard back from you,
289
00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:08,320
they gave your place to a
certain young man who became
290
00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:09,840
THE finest actor of his generation.
291
00:14:09,840 --> 00:14:12,280
Tom Holland?
Chesney from Coronation Street.
292
00:14:12,280 --> 00:14:13,680
Show me no more.
293
00:14:13,680 --> 00:14:15,720
Spirits, haunt me no longer!
294
00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:19,040
ROCK MUSIC PLAYS, SCREAMING
295
00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:22,640
ECHOING: Chesney from
Coronation Street.
296
00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:30,960
Ah, Mr Carmichael.
297
00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:32,680
There you are.
298
00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:36,040
Oh, I assume you're not
trying to upskirt me.
299
00:14:36,040 --> 00:14:37,880
Though it's still not
a crime in my book.
300
00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:39,200
A man needs a hobby.
301
00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:41,640
STEPHEN CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY
302
00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:41,640
Um, no.
303
00:14:41,640 --> 00:14:43,280
Wait. Hold on.
304
00:14:43,280 --> 00:14:44,920
Are you a ghost as well?
305
00:14:44,920 --> 00:14:46,800
Oh, keep up.
306
00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:50,840
Yes! I am the ghost
of Christmas..."formo" is it?
307
00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:52,160
"Formo"?
308
00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:53,360
"FOMO"! FOMO!
309
00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:54,520
Oh, thank you. Yes.
310
00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:56,560
You see, soon,
everyone will sit down
311
00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:58,600
to the Abbey Grove Christmas lunch.
312
00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:02,240
We've got wreaths of sausages
from the German market.
313
00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:03,800
Are you feeling it?
314
00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:05,920
Loneliness, jealousy,
315
00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:07,760
the keening pull of regret?
316
00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:10,920
I'm going to say....none of
those things, actually.
317
00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:14,240
But you haven't seen how much
fun your friends are having.
318
00:15:14,240 --> 00:15:15,560
Chop, chop.
319
00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:17,360
We don't have all night!
320
00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:22,000
Have a holly jolly Christmas
321
00:15:23,080 --> 00:15:25,440
It's the best time of the year
322
00:15:26,560 --> 00:15:29,320
Now I don't know
if there'll be snow
323
00:15:29,320 --> 00:15:32,160
But have a cup of cheer
324
00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:34,440
Have a holly jolly Christmas...
325
00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:38,040
SONG CONTINUES ON RADIO
326
00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:39,640
You think I'm going to get FOMO
327
00:15:39,640 --> 00:15:41,520
from Mitchell in his bare feet?
328
00:15:41,520 --> 00:15:44,400
His toes look like they're
wearing lickle wigs.
329
00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:46,040
Yes, I know he is...
330
00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:49,600
Well, he's grotesque, but imagine
what he'll be like without you.
331
00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:51,880
I mean, trust me, I cannot help him!
332
00:15:51,880 --> 00:15:54,600
I try to get him to do
the couch to 5k once.
333
00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:57,040
He literally stole a couch worth 5k.
334
00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:58,640
Hmm.
335
00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:01,320
Oh, I believe Mr Harper is about
to mistake some German market
336
00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:02,840
traders for terrorists.
337
00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:04,840
SPEAKING GERMAN IN DISTANCE
338
00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:09,760
Germans! It's happening.
339
00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:11,560
It's a Christmas miracle.
340
00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:13,160
It's Die Hard!
341
00:16:13,160 --> 00:16:14,600
Oh, God.
342
00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:16,480
I've be waiting for
this moment my whole...
343
00:16:16,480 --> 00:16:19,240
Argh! Shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit, shitting hell.
344
00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:22,040
Watch out, Germans
345
00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:23,440
God, my feet hurt
346
00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:27,360
I'm in quite a lot of pain
347
00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:30,840
But I'll still come
kick your arse, Fritz
348
00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:36,520
Cos my name is John McLane!
349
00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:40,320
Argh!
350
00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:43,680
Ah! I mean, that singing was
just, like, not even funny.
351
00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:46,480
Forgot the eggnog!
Oh, for God's sake...
352
00:16:46,480 --> 00:16:48,400
Mind the...
353
00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:50,880
No.
354
00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:52,080
Now, this will cheer you up.
355
00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:55,400
It's a festive cordial with grapes,
blackcurrants and raspberries.
356
00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:58,560
Ten years ago, a ghostly voice
told me to invest in Vimto
357
00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:00,080
and I've never looked back.
358
00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:01,880
Vimto! Vimto!
359
00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:03,600
Come and get your Vimto.
360
00:17:04,840 --> 00:17:07,000
Uh! He said, "Crypto."
361
00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:09,040
SCREAMING
362
00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:10,840
Watch out! Watch out!
363
00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:12,240
What? Who's that?!
364
00:17:17,560 --> 00:17:19,960
"Now I have a German
to English phrase book.
365
00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:21,880
"Ho, ho, ho."
366
00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:23,320
Mr Harper! Mr Harper!
367
00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:24,800
We all knew this day would come
368
00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:27,400
when Mr Harper's tenuous grip
on reality would fail.
369
00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:30,480
And he would disappear into
the oeuvre of Bruce Willis.
370
00:17:30,480 --> 00:17:32,400
Oh-ho! I've got to see this, man.
Yeah, let's go.
371
00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:34,600
Maybe we should wait
for Mr Carmichael.
372
00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:36,120
Oh, I'm so over this.
373
00:17:36,120 --> 00:17:38,560
If Mr Carmichael cared
about us, he'd be here.
374
00:17:38,560 --> 00:17:40,560
It's his last day ever
at Abbey Grove, man.
375
00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:43,640
I'm sure he's busy preparing to meet
the cast of his pantomime tonight.
376
00:17:43,640 --> 00:17:46,000
Bitch, please.
Sir thinks he's better than us,
377
00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:47,600
but even he's finally realised
378
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:48,960
he ain't that girl.
379
00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:50,200
Forget Met Ball,
380
00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:53,080
he's too busy doing Mother Goose
in Shitsville. Swindon! Swindon!
381
00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:56,160
Whatever, Warren. Of course he's
too embarrassed to show his face.
382
00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:58,080
Bitch. I swear, you
better hold me back.
383
00:17:58,080 --> 00:18:00,320
Ah-ah-ah.
He's following his dream.
384
00:18:00,320 --> 00:18:01,640
OK! It's utterly humiliating,
385
00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:04,200
but that only makes his courage
even more inspirational.
386
00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:06,560
You know, it's all
heart with Warren.
387
00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:08,840
Like, he's not even
mentioned my looks once.
388
00:18:08,840 --> 00:18:10,480
MUFFLED: Come back here!
389
00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:13,560
Oh, God. That'll be Mr Harper
in the ventilation shaft.
390
00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:15,960
I mean, come on, guys.
391
00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:18,160
CHUCKLES
392
00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:19,840
Oh, I'm actually stuck now.
393
00:18:19,840 --> 00:18:21,760
Well, you won't miss that rabble.
394
00:18:21,760 --> 00:18:24,480
They're hardly the kind of
children who are getting 12 A-stars
395
00:18:24,480 --> 00:18:26,480
on the front page of the Telegraph.
396
00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:28,160
Uh... They're good kids.
397
00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:30,920
They're...funny and kind.
398
00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:32,760
And I mean, fair play,
399
00:18:32,760 --> 00:18:34,800
they're not going
to get any A-stars,
400
00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:36,280
but I don't know...
401
00:18:36,280 --> 00:18:37,800
I miss them already.
402
00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:39,360
Well, back to the task in hand.
403
00:18:39,360 --> 00:18:41,600
You need to stop
dwelling on past injustices
404
00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:43,040
and start living in the present.
405
00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:46,000
Or at least pretend to so that
I can cross you off my list.
406
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:48,200
Wait, maybe I'm locking myself off.
407
00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:50,760
I mean, I'm a star, period... Hmm!
408
00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:52,640
..but it could be cute
409
00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:54,760
to be in an ensemble.
410
00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:58,960
I mean, let's be honest.
411
00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:01,200
No-one's going to outshine me here.
412
00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:11,240
Yippee-ki-yay, all you numpties
413
00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:14,600
I killed all the terrorists
414
00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:18,680
They thought that
they could outsmart me
415
00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:21,120
But it seems I'm cleverest
416
00:19:21,120 --> 00:19:22,840
That's not true, sir
417
00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:24,560
He's not Hans Gruber
418
00:19:24,560 --> 00:19:28,000
Jesus, this eggnog's 50 proof!
419
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:31,360
Bollocks, he was proper evil
420
00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:36,000
So I threw him off the roof!
421
00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:38,160
Oh! Flat.
422
00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:44,360
Mr Mitchell's the greatest
423
00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:47,840
The greatest teacher I know
424
00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:49,160
I know!
425
00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:51,600
Most PE teachers are sadists
426
00:19:52,720 --> 00:19:56,200
But Mr Mitchell is no weirdo!
427
00:19:56,200 --> 00:19:59,560
If you are feeling down,
he'll cheer you right up
428
00:19:59,560 --> 00:20:01,200
He's never worn a frown
429
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,280
He'll take you to the pub
430
00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:04,960
But strictly as a mate
431
00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:06,920
It's definitely not a date
432
00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:09,520
Mr Mitchell's so great
433
00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:11,680
He's our kind of star
434
00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:13,200
He says we'll go far
435
00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:16,800
Yes, he might be really quite
thick with a rubbish car
436
00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:18,520
But he's still a star
437
00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:20,400
And better than that
438
00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:22,440
If we get too stressed or upset
439
00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:24,200
Then he's got our back
440
00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:25,800
He's our kind of star
441
00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:27,800
A wonderful bloke
442
00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:30,080
No airs and no graces with him
443
00:20:30,080 --> 00:20:31,480
Cos he's always broke
444
00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:33,040
He's our kind of star
445
00:20:33,040 --> 00:20:34,800
He makes us believe
446
00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:38,480
That you can do anything
you set out to achieve
447
00:20:38,480 --> 00:20:40,080
He's our kind of star
448
00:20:43,520 --> 00:20:46,000
Mr Mitchell's the best
449
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:49,640
The strongest steel
this land can forge
450
00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:50,960
Bit much.
451
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:53,800
He doesn't dress to impress
Clearly.
452
00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:57,400
But who needs Armani
when you've got George?
453
00:20:57,400 --> 00:21:01,080
He shows us all the facts
about the birds and the bees
454
00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:05,400
Plus what you can
achieve with no GCSEs
455
00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:07,440
He's our kind of star
456
00:21:07,440 --> 00:21:09,160
Our favourite guy
457
00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:12,760
If we get arrested,
he's there with an alibi
458
00:21:12,760 --> 00:21:14,840
He's our kind of star
459
00:21:14,840 --> 00:21:17,240
He is our favourite teacher
460
00:21:17,240 --> 00:21:21,440
Much better than Mr Carmichael
461
00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:25,200
He is our favourite teacher
462
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:28,760
That's why he's our kind of...
Make it stop.
463
00:21:28,760 --> 00:21:30,920
..star
464
00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:33,640
He's our kind of star!
465
00:21:35,560 --> 00:21:37,120
Make it stop now! Stop it.
466
00:21:37,120 --> 00:21:39,440
I want to wake up.
I want to wake up!
467
00:21:43,880 --> 00:21:45,320
Hello?
468
00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:49,080
Children, for the last time,
469
00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:51,280
my smoke machine is not a toy.
470
00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:57,960
BELL TOLLS
471
00:21:57,960 --> 00:21:59,120
Another one?!
472
00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:02,360
Hi!
473
00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:04,840
You all right?
474
00:22:07,480 --> 00:22:09,760
Oh, a reunion!
475
00:22:09,760 --> 00:22:12,120
Erm, it's going to be a hard
pass for me. I'm so sorry.
476
00:22:12,120 --> 00:22:14,000
I'm attending the soiree tonight.
477
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:16,520
Splendid to see all of you.
478
00:22:16,520 --> 00:22:20,760
Inchez, I always admired your
loyalty to imperial measurements.
479
00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:22,080
Goodness.
480
00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:25,400
I'd forgotten about
that old nickname.
481
00:22:25,400 --> 00:22:27,760
I'm afraid my road
youth day is behind me.
482
00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:30,160
Well, I'm sure you know
all about my career.
483
00:22:30,160 --> 00:22:32,800
Oh, I don't think...
As a politician,
484
00:22:32,800 --> 00:22:34,640
it's important to be reminded
485
00:22:34,640 --> 00:22:36,800
of your humble beginnings, innit?
486
00:22:36,800 --> 00:22:38,320
Ah. Of course.
487
00:22:38,320 --> 00:22:40,520
I was the one who banned
drag readings at school.
488
00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:42,640
GASPS
489
00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:42,640
Usma!
490
00:22:42,640 --> 00:22:44,880
Bless my soul, look who it is.
491
00:22:44,880 --> 00:22:46,920
So, Harrison,
492
00:22:46,920 --> 00:22:49,480
you look a bit...different.
493
00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:52,760
I hear you're working for
a pharmaceutical company.
494
00:22:52,760 --> 00:22:54,560
Oh, Big Pharma!
495
00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:56,080
J'adore!
496
00:22:56,080 --> 00:22:59,240
All these scientists trying
to turn me into a guinea pig.
497
00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:01,240
CHUCKLES
498
00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:04,720
I think you mean they're trying
to use you as a guinea pig.
499
00:23:04,720 --> 00:23:07,600
All right, darling. Love you.
OK. Ciao. Ciao.
500
00:23:07,600 --> 00:23:09,480
Oh, Jinx!
501
00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:11,200
I'm guessing...
502
00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:12,520
Lawyer?
503
00:23:12,520 --> 00:23:15,320
Oh, that must be
fulfilling work, Jemima.
504
00:23:15,320 --> 00:23:19,680
Yeah! Jinx represented one of the
big pharmas who experimented on me.
505
00:23:19,680 --> 00:23:22,000
A certain cosmetics
company was trialling
506
00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:24,400
a new lead-based nail polish.
507
00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:27,640
And I didn't get any
compensation at all.
508
00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:30,120
Good on you, Jinx!
Oh, good God.
509
00:23:31,640 --> 00:23:33,240
Funny, isn't it?
510
00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:36,760
I still can't believe he's not
here after all these years. Hmm.
511
00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:38,320
Oh, children.
512
00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:40,000
I know, I know.
513
00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:41,600
He was a one-off.
514
00:23:41,600 --> 00:23:44,560
I've never met anyone so talented.
515
00:23:44,560 --> 00:23:46,000
And funny.
516
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:47,480
And sweet.
517
00:23:47,480 --> 00:23:50,240
It's good we're all here
together to remember him.
518
00:23:52,080 --> 00:23:53,960
What do you mean - "remember"?
519
00:23:56,360 --> 00:23:58,040
Whose photo is in that frame?
520
00:23:59,320 --> 00:24:01,960
Mm! See for myself.
521
00:24:10,480 --> 00:24:11,840
Warren?!
522
00:24:11,840 --> 00:24:14,560
Oh! God! You got me, girl.
523
00:24:14,560 --> 00:24:16,440
Wait. Spirit.
524
00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:18,360
Does that mean if...
525
00:24:18,360 --> 00:24:20,680
If I quit tonight, Warren's...
526
00:24:21,800 --> 00:24:23,400
Oh, my God.
527
00:24:26,040 --> 00:24:27,800
Sorry, it's just a little...
528
00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:29,360
It's just a little bit awkward
529
00:24:29,360 --> 00:24:31,880
because...love him, but...
530
00:24:31,880 --> 00:24:34,760
I'm probably still
going to take the panto so...
531
00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:37,080
Sir! Warren!
532
00:24:37,080 --> 00:24:39,240
Oh, I thought you were dead.
533
00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:40,680
I am.
534
00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:41,880
I'm a ghost.
535
00:24:41,880 --> 00:24:44,520
Um, when did you die?
I die at 40. 40?!
536
00:24:44,520 --> 00:24:46,840
That's all right.
I mean, did you die in sleep?
537
00:24:46,840 --> 00:24:48,280
I died in a boating accident.
538
00:24:48,280 --> 00:24:51,920
Well, apparently, drowning is
basically like falling asleep.
539
00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:54,000
I didn't drown.
540
00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:55,760
And look at the rest of the class.
541
00:24:55,760 --> 00:24:57,160
Usma's a fascist.
542
00:24:57,160 --> 00:24:59,880
Harrison... Harrison
lives a hardscrabble life
543
00:24:59,880 --> 00:25:02,640
showing off his thumbs
to men in car parks.
544
00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:04,320
They don't even remember your name.
545
00:25:04,320 --> 00:25:05,800
I mean... Please!
546
00:25:05,800 --> 00:25:08,040
Now you're being silly.
I mean, for real.
547
00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:11,680
What...?
What was his name again? Um...
548
00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:13,720
Sven? Stewart?
549
00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:15,040
"Sven"?
550
00:25:15,040 --> 00:25:16,320
It's Stephen Carmichael.
551
00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:17,720
Oh, thank you, Jinx.
552
00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:19,960
She was always my favourite.
553
00:25:19,960 --> 00:25:21,640
The only reason I remember
554
00:25:21,640 --> 00:25:25,040
is because he was named
in a new legal case of ours.
555
00:25:25,040 --> 00:25:26,520
Oh! A legal case!
556
00:25:26,520 --> 00:25:29,400
Maybe I'm cited in
somebody's divorce
557
00:25:29,400 --> 00:25:31,320
or a stalker.
558
00:25:31,320 --> 00:25:32,760
Cute.
559
00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:34,720
Is Stephen still in showbiz?
560
00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:36,000
Yes. Duh!
561
00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:37,080
Well, radio.
562
00:25:37,080 --> 00:25:39,360
OK! A little bit retro.
But we move!
563
00:25:39,360 --> 00:25:41,200
He does the shipping forecast. Huh?
564
00:25:41,200 --> 00:25:44,120
BEEPING
565
00:25:44,120 --> 00:25:47,080
Viking! Southeast six to gale eight.
566
00:25:47,080 --> 00:25:49,200
Fog moderately...ROUGH!
567
00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:51,760
Cromarty. Northeast three to five.
568
00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:53,440
Foggy, patches.
569
00:25:53,440 --> 00:25:56,120
Dogger. Thundershowers -
very, very rough.
570
00:25:56,120 --> 00:25:57,840
I say, "Abandon ship!"
571
00:25:57,840 --> 00:25:59,520
Abandon ship!
572
00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:03,400
Abandon ship!
573
00:26:03,400 --> 00:26:05,840
He's responsible for an
oil tanker overturning
574
00:26:05,840 --> 00:26:07,240
off the coast of Australia,
575
00:26:07,240 --> 00:26:09,760
poisoning the world's
last remaining coral reef
576
00:26:09,760 --> 00:26:12,000
and... Killing Warren.
577
00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:15,160
Yeah. He was swimming
in that coral reef.
578
00:26:15,160 --> 00:26:17,440
SOBBING
579
00:26:17,440 --> 00:26:18,920
Awkward turtle.
580
00:26:18,920 --> 00:26:21,560
So, you see, sir,
if you leave Abbey Grove,
581
00:26:21,560 --> 00:26:24,440
not only do you rob us of
creativity and joy in our lives,
582
00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:27,360
but you become a poster boy
for wanton destruction.
583
00:26:27,360 --> 00:26:29,480
I'm sorry, but you
had me at "poster boy".
584
00:26:29,480 --> 00:26:30,920
Sir, you're on trial.
585
00:26:30,920 --> 00:26:32,720
Trial-schmial, Warren.
586
00:26:32,720 --> 00:26:35,320
I am sorry, but press is press.
587
00:26:35,320 --> 00:26:38,760
Maybe just tell your
past self not to go scuba diving.
588
00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:40,120
Hmm!
589
00:26:40,120 --> 00:26:41,720
Woo! That's not how this works.
590
00:26:41,720 --> 00:26:43,760
You can't do that to me.
591
00:26:43,760 --> 00:26:45,840
Woo! I tried to warn you!
Look at me!
592
00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:47,000
Look at my head.
593
00:26:47,000 --> 00:26:48,600
Look at my head!
594
00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:51,760
MUSIC: Santa Tell Me
by Ariana Grande
595
00:26:51,760 --> 00:26:54,040
Can't believe he didn't show.
596
00:26:54,040 --> 00:26:55,600
He always said that he hated it,
597
00:26:55,600 --> 00:26:57,920
but just thought it
was part of the act.
598
00:26:57,920 --> 00:27:00,400
Didn't even say goodbye.
This might cheer you up.
599
00:27:00,400 --> 00:27:02,200
I'm planning a diving holiday.
600
00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:04,240
Anyone want to see some
photos of the coral reef?
601
00:27:04,240 --> 00:27:05,840
Nope. Yeah.
602
00:27:09,400 --> 00:27:11,680
CLANGS POTS
603
00:27:13,760 --> 00:27:15,120
Bitch, I'm back.
604
00:27:15,120 --> 00:27:16,600
THEY GASP
605
00:27:16,600 --> 00:27:17,640
Sir, you're back!
606
00:27:19,120 --> 00:27:20,520
My God!
607
00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:24,080
What made you change your mind?
608
00:27:25,760 --> 00:27:27,120
I listened to yous.
609
00:27:28,120 --> 00:27:31,720
I may not be exactly where I dreamt
I was going to be when I was 15,
610
00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:35,640
but I'm not going to give away
everything I've got
611
00:27:35,640 --> 00:27:37,320
for everything I'm not.
612
00:27:37,320 --> 00:27:40,760
I've finally realised
what makes me special.
613
00:27:40,760 --> 00:27:42,400
It's you guys.
614
00:27:42,400 --> 00:27:44,640
The look on your faces
when I just walked in.
615
00:27:46,120 --> 00:27:49,440
You're all stars.
616
00:27:49,440 --> 00:27:51,520
And....
617
00:27:51,520 --> 00:27:53,160
I mean, that panto was just...
618
00:27:53,160 --> 00:27:56,120
It was just not right for me
on, like, an artistic level.
619
00:27:56,120 --> 00:27:57,640
Yeah, yeah. Absolutely.
620
00:27:57,640 --> 00:27:59,080
And just out of interest.
621
00:27:59,080 --> 00:28:00,640
What part did they give you?
622
00:28:00,640 --> 00:28:01,880
Fine.
623
00:28:01,880 --> 00:28:04,680
I didn't realise I was being
cast as the panto horse.
624
00:28:04,680 --> 00:28:06,200
Which end?
625
00:28:06,200 --> 00:28:08,120
The wrong end!
626
00:28:08,120 --> 00:28:10,200
And the front part was being played
627
00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:12,600
by Chesney from Coronation Street.
628
00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:15,120
Oh, my God! Acting royalty!
What a legend.
629
00:28:15,120 --> 00:28:17,920
I will have you know, he stole
my place at drama school.
630
00:28:17,920 --> 00:28:19,400
Well, I'm glad you didn't go.
631
00:28:19,400 --> 00:28:22,040
Otherwise,
we wouldn't have been mates.
632
00:28:28,200 --> 00:28:31,720
Let's give the janitor
the fright of his life.
633
00:28:35,400 --> 00:28:37,360
It's time for my solo number!
634
00:28:39,600 --> 00:28:41,120
I am...
635
00:28:41,120 --> 00:28:42,440
Germans!
636
00:28:42,440 --> 00:28:44,920
Oh, my God. Harrison,
it's actually happening.
637
00:28:44,920 --> 00:28:47,040
It's a Christmas miracle.
638
00:28:47,040 --> 00:28:49,320
Yippee-ki-yay, mother...
639
00:28:49,370 --> 00:28:53,920
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