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1
00:00:04,245 --> 00:00:06,580
(whistle blows)
2
00:00:06,582 --> 00:00:07,798
Nathan!
3
00:00:07,800 --> 00:00:09,800
How much longer is
this game gonna last?
4
00:00:09,802 --> 00:00:12,136
Can't really talk, Mom;
not a great time.
5
00:00:12,138 --> 00:00:13,771
I have a hair appointment
at 2:00.
6
00:00:13,773 --> 00:00:16,923
If we're late, my stylist
will skip my scalp massage.
7
00:00:16,925 --> 00:00:18,442
That's my favorite part!
8
00:00:18,444 --> 00:00:20,644
(laughs) What, you got
a beauty date with Mommy?
9
00:00:20,646 --> 00:00:21,712
Gonna get
a mani-pedi?
10
00:00:21,714 --> 00:00:22,696
Yeah, not pedis.
11
00:00:22,698 --> 00:00:23,997
It's winter, idiot.
12
00:00:23,999 --> 00:00:25,449
(whistle blows)
13
00:00:28,453 --> 00:00:29,936
Yoo-hoo!
14
00:00:29,938 --> 00:00:33,157
Do you know when this game
is gonna be over?
15
00:00:33,908 --> 00:00:35,209
Nobody knows, Carol.
16
00:00:35,211 --> 00:00:36,627
It's sudden-death overtime.
17
00:00:36,629 --> 00:00:38,245
How long is that gonna take?
18
00:00:38,247 --> 00:00:39,363
Hard to tell.
19
00:00:39,365 --> 00:00:41,548
We're both so evenly matched...
20
00:00:42,884 --> 00:00:44,334
(buzzer sounds) It's over.
21
00:00:44,336 --> 00:00:46,370
Hey, man, what happened?
22
00:00:46,372 --> 00:00:47,971
Your mother happened!
23
00:00:57,096 --> 00:01:01,596
The Millers 01x13 "Driving Miss Crazy"
Original Air Date on 30 January, 2014
24
00:01:01,621 --> 00:01:06,121
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
25
00:01:12,099 --> 00:01:13,849
Excuse me.
Sorry to intrude.
26
00:01:13,851 --> 00:01:16,235
Don't be embarrassed;
I know it's cold on the ice.
27
00:01:16,237 --> 00:01:17,536
Mom, Mom... Mom.
28
00:01:17,538 --> 00:01:19,058
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
29
00:01:19,073 --> 00:01:21,207
Well, what are you doing,
Mr. Dilly-Dally?
30
00:01:21,209 --> 00:01:23,526
You're gonna make me
miss my scalp massage.
31
00:01:23,528 --> 00:01:25,327
Last time, she hit
a pressure point
32
00:01:25,329 --> 00:01:26,829
that made me burst into a song
33
00:01:26,831 --> 00:01:28,447
that I hadn't sung
since you were a baby.
34
00:01:28,449 --> 00:01:30,566
I wonder if I can
find it again.
35
00:01:30,568 --> 00:01:33,235
We're going out for beers
to discuss playoff strategies.
36
00:01:33,237 --> 00:01:35,454
Yeah, I-I'd love to,
but, uh, I can't.
37
00:01:35,456 --> 00:01:37,456
My mom doesn't drive,
and Saturday is errand day.
38
00:01:37,458 --> 00:01:39,091
CAROL:
I'm sorry, Ray,
39
00:01:39,093 --> 00:01:40,793
but we have so much to do.
40
00:01:40,795 --> 00:01:43,295
After the salon,
I have to buy a bra,
41
00:01:43,297 --> 00:01:44,847
refill my
dry-mouth pills,
42
00:01:44,849 --> 00:01:47,132
pick up "get wel"
balloons for my cousin,
43
00:01:47,134 --> 00:01:48,551
stock up on craft supplies,
44
00:01:48,553 --> 00:01:50,352
get my pants hemmed
into capris,
45
00:01:50,354 --> 00:01:52,254
oh, and buy a new
razor to smooth out
46
00:01:52,256 --> 00:01:54,890
my soon-to-be on
display calves.
47
00:01:57,427 --> 00:01:58,594
I'm gonna do you a favor
48
00:01:58,596 --> 00:02:00,029
and tell the guys
you got diarrhea.
49
00:02:00,031 --> 00:02:01,530
Thanks, man.
50
00:02:02,816 --> 00:02:06,652
Ah...
51
00:02:06,654 --> 00:02:09,622
The wheels of the bus
go round and round
52
00:02:09,624 --> 00:02:10,956
Round and round
53
00:02:10,958 --> 00:02:12,441
That's the spot.
54
00:02:12,443 --> 00:02:14,710
The wheels on the bus
go round and round
55
00:02:14,712 --> 00:02:17,079
All around the town...
56
00:02:17,081 --> 00:02:19,582
The ladies say hello.
57
00:02:19,584 --> 00:02:21,000
You should've come in with me.
58
00:02:21,002 --> 00:02:22,551
You could've gotten
your brows done.
59
00:02:22,553 --> 00:02:24,336
Mom, I don't wax my brows.
60
00:02:24,338 --> 00:02:27,890
I told you, these are
naturally sculpted.
61
00:02:29,726 --> 00:02:31,460
You were wrong.
62
00:02:31,462 --> 00:02:35,481
They will exchange a half-eaten
bag of baby carrots.
63
00:02:39,486 --> 00:02:42,605
$40 to clean a comforter,
my foot.
64
00:02:42,607 --> 00:02:45,240
You and I will just
wash this in the bathtub.
65
00:02:49,145 --> 00:02:51,830
Toilet paper was on sale.
66
00:02:51,832 --> 00:02:54,149
(laughs)
67
00:02:54,151 --> 00:02:57,036
Oh! Forgot my
calcium chews.
68
00:02:59,756 --> 00:03:00,873
Oh, wait.
69
00:03:00,875 --> 00:03:03,459
I thought these were
the orange calcium chews.
70
00:03:03,461 --> 00:03:04,877
These are licorice.
71
00:03:04,879 --> 00:03:07,046
I'll be right back.
72
00:03:09,999 --> 00:03:12,267
I got the orange calcium chews.
73
00:03:12,269 --> 00:03:13,519
But you know what?
74
00:03:13,521 --> 00:03:15,270
You're starting to think
about the licorice again.
75
00:03:15,272 --> 00:03:17,640
I think it might be fun
to try something new.
76
00:03:17,642 --> 00:03:20,008
So fun.
77
00:03:20,010 --> 00:03:22,227
(knocking)
78
00:03:22,229 --> 00:03:23,479
What are you doing?
79
00:03:23,481 --> 00:03:25,030
Just get in the driver's side.
80
00:03:25,032 --> 00:03:26,432
I want to show you
something great.
81
00:03:26,434 --> 00:03:27,900
(sighs)
82
00:03:27,902 --> 00:03:30,619
I don't know why we're
playing these games.
83
00:03:30,621 --> 00:03:32,488
We still have three
more places to go.
84
00:03:32,490 --> 00:03:34,823
Four, if the toilet's
still broken
85
00:03:34,825 --> 00:03:36,659
in the public library.
86
00:03:39,079 --> 00:03:41,747
That thing went
bananas on me last time.
87
00:03:41,749 --> 00:03:44,783
Okay. What do I have
to sit here to see?
88
00:03:44,785 --> 00:03:46,368
That woman in
the rearview mirror.
89
00:03:46,370 --> 00:03:47,336
Take a look.
90
00:03:47,338 --> 00:03:50,673
Today, she learns how to drive.
91
00:03:50,675 --> 00:03:52,257
Oh, no.
92
00:03:52,259 --> 00:03:53,475
No, no, Nathan.
93
00:03:53,477 --> 00:03:54,510
I-I can't drive.
94
00:03:54,512 --> 00:03:56,061
I am going to teach you.
95
00:03:56,063 --> 00:03:57,713
I can't keep
driving you around.
96
00:03:57,715 --> 00:03:59,598
Plus, this will
make you more independent.
97
00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:01,383
Trust me, your father
tried to teach me once,
98
00:04:01,385 --> 00:04:02,768
but it was a disaster.
99
00:04:02,770 --> 00:04:03,986
Oh, come on.
100
00:04:03,988 --> 00:04:06,238
You just... channel
some of that determination
101
00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:07,690
you have inside you.
102
00:04:07,692 --> 00:04:08,774
When I was breech,
103
00:04:08,776 --> 00:04:10,242
who reached up
and flipped me around?
104
00:04:10,244 --> 00:04:11,326
The doctors?
105
00:04:11,328 --> 00:04:12,277
No.
106
00:04:12,279 --> 00:04:14,229
You.
107
00:04:14,231 --> 00:04:16,031
You can do this.
108
00:04:17,333 --> 00:04:19,034
How's everybody else's
Saturday going?
109
00:04:22,155 --> 00:04:23,739
Oh, boy.
110
00:04:23,741 --> 00:04:26,125
Looks like someone's
teaching your mother to drive.
111
00:04:26,127 --> 00:04:27,376
Who leaves a tricycle
112
00:04:27,378 --> 00:04:29,077
where someone can
accidentally drive up
113
00:04:29,079 --> 00:04:30,679
on the sidewalk and hit it?
114
00:04:30,681 --> 00:04:32,414
(door closes)
115
00:04:32,416 --> 00:04:35,467
I told Nathan I couldn't drive,
but he wouldn't listen.
116
00:04:35,469 --> 00:04:37,019
I am unteachable.
117
00:04:37,021 --> 00:04:37,970
No, you're not.
118
00:04:37,972 --> 00:04:39,755
You just refuse to be taught.
119
00:04:39,757 --> 00:04:41,356
I can teach anyone anything.
120
00:04:41,358 --> 00:04:44,092
Growing up, all our dogs
could use the toilet.
121
00:04:45,278 --> 00:04:48,097
Then why is your aim
so pathetic?
122
00:04:49,099 --> 00:04:49,948
Hey.
123
00:04:49,950 --> 00:04:51,433
Dinner's just about ready.
124
00:04:51,435 --> 00:04:52,768
Why is there a bumper in the...
125
00:04:52,770 --> 00:04:54,820
Oh, did someone try and teach
Mom how to drive?
126
00:04:54,822 --> 00:04:56,872
Yes, but for no reason.
127
00:04:56,874 --> 00:04:57,906
I get by fine.
128
00:04:57,908 --> 00:05:00,209
I don't need to learn to drive.
129
00:05:00,211 --> 00:05:01,109
Uh, yeah, you do.
130
00:05:01,111 --> 00:05:02,411
'Cause I need my life back.
131
00:05:02,413 --> 00:05:04,079
Okay? I can't
sacrifice every weekend
132
00:05:04,081 --> 00:05:05,781
driving you around
so you can run errands.
133
00:05:05,783 --> 00:05:07,115
Look, Nathan,
if you want a day off,
134
00:05:07,117 --> 00:05:08,467
Adam can drive Mom
around tomorrow.
135
00:05:08,469 --> 00:05:09,701
Adam can?
136
00:05:09,703 --> 00:05:11,553
Wow, great.
That'd be amazing.
137
00:05:11,555 --> 00:05:12,805
ADAM:
By the way, uh,
138
00:05:12,807 --> 00:05:14,440
Debbie, I need to talk to you
139
00:05:14,442 --> 00:05:15,924
about something completely
unrelated to this.
140
00:05:15,926 --> 00:05:17,493
Can we go in the kitchen
for a second?
141
00:05:17,495 --> 00:05:18,894
Um, sure, yeah.
142
00:05:18,896 --> 00:05:20,796
- What do we need to...
- Something unrelated.
143
00:05:22,715 --> 00:05:23,732
God, okay, what's wrong?
144
00:05:23,734 --> 00:05:25,067
What's wrong?
Your mother and I
145
00:05:25,069 --> 00:05:27,186
are not meant to be in
confined spaces together.
146
00:05:27,188 --> 00:05:29,605
Right? It's like asking the
chicken to drive the fox.
147
00:05:29,607 --> 00:05:31,690
You're gonna wind up with a car
full of blood and feathers.
148
00:05:31,692 --> 00:05:33,108
Oh, come on.
149
00:05:33,110 --> 00:05:34,409
It's not a big deal.
150
00:05:34,411 --> 00:05:36,662
And think of all the stuff
Nathan does for us, you know.
151
00:05:36,664 --> 00:05:38,030
Rent money, free appliances.
152
00:05:38,032 --> 00:05:39,398
You don't limp anymore
153
00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:42,150
because he paid to have
your right leg lengthened.
154
00:05:42,152 --> 00:05:45,487
And your left, when they went
overboard on your right.
155
00:05:45,489 --> 00:05:46,988
Your mother and I
have nothing in common.
156
00:05:46,990 --> 00:05:48,540
That's why she always
sets my dinner plate
157
00:05:48,542 --> 00:05:49,708
at the island with Mikayla,
158
00:05:49,710 --> 00:05:51,511
- so she doesn't have to talk to me.
- Oh, come on.
159
00:05:51,512 --> 00:05:52,628
She doesn't do that on purpose.
160
00:05:52,630 --> 00:05:53,929
And you know what?
Driving my mom around
161
00:05:53,931 --> 00:05:55,714
will give you a chance
to get to know her better.
162
00:05:55,716 --> 00:05:57,716
You might even have fun.
Who knows?
163
00:05:57,718 --> 00:05:59,935
I know. You won't.
164
00:06:00,804 --> 00:06:01,804
Yeah.
165
00:06:01,806 --> 00:06:03,889
(groans) Just kill me.
166
00:06:03,891 --> 00:06:05,774
I can't be alone
in a car with Adam.
167
00:06:05,776 --> 00:06:07,776
We only have two topics
to talk about:
168
00:06:07,778 --> 00:06:10,529
the weather
and yesterday's weather.
169
00:06:10,531 --> 00:06:11,947
I'll just take the bus.
170
00:06:11,949 --> 00:06:14,399
Or... there's
a third topic:
171
00:06:14,401 --> 00:06:15,734
your granddaughter Mikayla.
172
00:06:15,736 --> 00:06:17,018
Or you could take the bus.
173
00:06:17,020 --> 00:06:18,954
In which case, every time
you want to get off,
174
00:06:18,956 --> 00:06:20,155
you got to pull that cord
175
00:06:20,157 --> 00:06:23,225
that the homeless guy
dries his socks on.
176
00:06:23,227 --> 00:06:24,576
Fine.
177
00:06:24,578 --> 00:06:25,694
(groans)
178
00:06:25,696 --> 00:06:28,447
Hey!
179
00:06:28,449 --> 00:06:30,716
There's my handsome chauffer.
180
00:06:30,718 --> 00:06:32,117
(laughing)
181
00:06:32,119 --> 00:06:33,168
She's poking me.
182
00:06:33,170 --> 00:06:34,336
Carol is poking me.
183
00:06:34,338 --> 00:06:36,722
If this was anybody else,
it would be very annoying.
184
00:06:36,724 --> 00:06:38,390
(laughing)
185
00:06:38,392 --> 00:06:40,125
Okay, maybe we should all
just sit down and eat.
186
00:06:40,127 --> 00:06:42,227
Food smells good.
187
00:06:42,229 --> 00:06:43,846
Mikayla, dinner's ready!
188
00:06:43,848 --> 00:06:45,097
Adam, this is for you.
189
00:06:45,099 --> 00:06:47,649
A big helping for
my new driving buddy.
190
00:06:47,651 --> 00:06:49,468
How about we park you
right over here
191
00:06:49,470 --> 00:06:51,520
- on the island?
- Ah.
192
00:06:51,522 --> 00:06:53,405
- Thank you, Carol.
- Uh-huh.
193
00:06:55,108 --> 00:06:57,276
Mikayla, why don't you share
with your dad and your grandma
194
00:06:57,278 --> 00:06:58,777
anything new going on
in your life.
195
00:06:58,779 --> 00:07:02,114
That could be a, uh, lively
topic for continued discussion.
196
00:07:06,102 --> 00:07:08,287
I got nothing.
197
00:07:11,341 --> 00:07:14,760
Great. Now we just got
two topics left to talk about.
198
00:07:14,762 --> 00:07:16,762
ADAM:
Hey, you guys believe
199
00:07:16,764 --> 00:07:17,846
how cold it was today?
200
00:07:17,848 --> 00:07:19,131
Almost as cold as yesterday.
201
00:07:21,017 --> 00:07:22,968
And we're done.
202
00:07:32,467 --> 00:07:34,018
Good evening...
203
00:07:34,020 --> 00:07:36,186
dear sister.
204
00:07:36,688 --> 00:07:38,104
You look lovely.
205
00:07:38,106 --> 00:07:41,925
And there he is...
my wonderful father.
206
00:07:41,927 --> 00:07:44,211
Who smells vaguely of cinnamon.
207
00:07:44,213 --> 00:07:47,914
I accidentally used
mouthwash as shampoo.
208
00:07:47,916 --> 00:07:50,033
Good for you!
209
00:07:50,035 --> 00:07:51,735
Well, somebody's in a good mood.
210
00:07:51,737 --> 00:07:52,736
Yeah, that's 'cause,
211
00:07:52,738 --> 00:07:54,538
while Adam was
driving Mom around,
212
00:07:54,540 --> 00:07:56,957
I slept in till 1:00
and started my Sunday
213
00:07:56,959 --> 00:07:58,909
watching football
and drinking Bloody Marys,
214
00:07:58,911 --> 00:08:01,445
and ate my lunch
out of a mixing bowl,
215
00:08:01,447 --> 00:08:05,048
and took a nap on
the kitchen floor, just 'cause.
216
00:08:07,034 --> 00:08:09,469
Then I went out
without a jacket on.
217
00:08:09,471 --> 00:08:11,221
Had to come back and get one,
218
00:08:11,223 --> 00:08:13,807
but it was still...
it was all my decision.
219
00:08:13,809 --> 00:08:15,208
Well, just remember,
220
00:08:15,210 --> 00:08:17,678
this happy day was brought
to you by your sister Debbie
221
00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:19,429
when she asks you for new tires.
222
00:08:19,431 --> 00:08:21,315
By the way, I need new tires.
223
00:08:22,567 --> 00:08:23,883
I know how sweet it is
224
00:08:23,885 --> 00:08:26,052
to have a Sunday
away from your mother.
225
00:08:26,054 --> 00:08:28,722
It's why I joined
the National Guard.
226
00:08:28,724 --> 00:08:31,224
(Carol and Adam laughing)
227
00:08:31,226 --> 00:08:32,609
CAROL:
Maybe you people can settle
228
00:08:32,611 --> 00:08:34,111
an argument for us.
229
00:08:34,113 --> 00:08:36,947
I think these are the best
cupcakes I've ever had,
230
00:08:36,949 --> 00:08:39,333
but Adam thinks the ones
I make are better.
231
00:08:39,335 --> 00:08:41,451
Well, when I eat yours,
I can taste the love.
232
00:08:41,453 --> 00:08:42,502
Oh, stop it!
(laughs)
233
00:08:42,504 --> 00:08:44,421
ADAM:
I'm sorry we're late.
234
00:08:44,423 --> 00:08:46,173
That's all my fault.
After we ran our errands,
235
00:08:46,175 --> 00:08:47,924
we took a little
side trip to the zoo.
236
00:08:47,926 --> 00:08:50,427
I tried that once;
they wouldn't take her.
237
00:08:52,413 --> 00:08:55,048
We went there so
someone could conquer
238
00:08:55,050 --> 00:08:57,084
his crippling fear of giraffes.
239
00:08:57,086 --> 00:08:58,218
Oh, yeah.
240
00:08:58,220 --> 00:09:00,920
Even a horse with a long neck
freaks Adam out.
241
00:09:02,256 --> 00:09:04,141
H-How did this happen?
You were supposed to just...
242
00:09:04,143 --> 00:09:05,308
be out running errands.
243
00:09:05,310 --> 00:09:06,727
Well, we were,
but then I was helping Carol
244
00:09:06,729 --> 00:09:07,728
pick out some sandals.
245
00:09:07,730 --> 00:09:09,479
You went into the shoe store
with her?
246
00:09:09,481 --> 00:09:12,265
He went into all
the stores with me.
247
00:09:12,267 --> 00:09:16,870
Anyway, Adam was educating me
on leather versus pleather.
248
00:09:16,872 --> 00:09:18,488
Yes, and leopard
versus pleopard,
249
00:09:18,490 --> 00:09:20,574
which got us started talking
about animals.
250
00:09:20,576 --> 00:09:22,125
And that's when
he confessed to me
251
00:09:22,127 --> 00:09:24,311
that he was
terrified of giraffes.
252
00:09:24,313 --> 00:09:25,495
Why are you afraid of giraffes?
253
00:09:25,497 --> 00:09:28,265
You're a purple tongue away
from being one.
254
00:09:29,116 --> 00:09:30,751
When Adam was a little kid,
255
00:09:30,753 --> 00:09:32,919
a giraffe snatched
an ice cream cone from his hand
256
00:09:32,921 --> 00:09:34,454
and nearly took off his thumb.
257
00:09:34,456 --> 00:09:37,307
Nearly? It did. It spit it
halfway across the zoo
258
00:09:37,309 --> 00:09:39,309
and then a monkey
ran off with it.
259
00:09:39,311 --> 00:09:41,762
They had to craft me a new one
out of the bottom inch
260
00:09:41,764 --> 00:09:43,129
of my right leg bone.
261
00:09:43,131 --> 00:09:45,899
We all know
how that turned out.
262
00:09:45,901 --> 00:09:47,517
Wait, w-wait a second.
263
00:09:47,519 --> 00:09:49,686
I-I find this very hard
to believe.
264
00:09:49,688 --> 00:09:53,473
You're telling me you went
in all the stores with her?
265
00:09:53,475 --> 00:09:56,309
Every single one.
266
00:09:56,311 --> 00:09:58,545
Anyway, I told Adam the only
way to overcome his fear
267
00:09:58,547 --> 00:10:00,914
was to go back to
the scene of the crime,
268
00:10:00,916 --> 00:10:02,699
turn his back on the giraffes
269
00:10:02,701 --> 00:10:04,534
and have an ice cream cone.
270
00:10:04,536 --> 00:10:05,652
And it worked.
271
00:10:05,654 --> 00:10:07,537
Who has two things
that pass for thumbs
272
00:10:07,539 --> 00:10:09,322
and isn't afraid
of giraffes anymore?
273
00:10:09,324 --> 00:10:12,158
This guy.
274
00:10:12,160 --> 00:10:14,994
Well...
275
00:10:14,996 --> 00:10:17,948
seems like you guys had a
really great day together.
276
00:10:17,950 --> 00:10:19,599
Mikayla, dinner's ready!
277
00:10:19,601 --> 00:10:22,335
- Uh, Nathan...
- Yeah.
278
00:10:22,337 --> 00:10:24,170
...uh, the bigger helping
is yours.
279
00:10:24,172 --> 00:10:25,355
Wait...
280
00:10:27,391 --> 00:10:28,859
I-I'm sitting there?
281
00:10:28,861 --> 00:10:32,028
Oh, if you want. I'm just
putting plates down wherever.
282
00:10:40,238 --> 00:10:42,372
Adam, I'm just putting
a little on our plate
283
00:10:42,374 --> 00:10:44,040
since we just had
ice cream and cupcakes.
284
00:10:44,042 --> 00:10:46,126
Plus, I ate some of
that giraffe's food
285
00:10:46,128 --> 00:10:47,828
just to even the score.
286
00:10:47,830 --> 00:10:48,879
(both laugh)
287
00:10:48,881 --> 00:10:51,364
Welcome to the island.
288
00:10:51,366 --> 00:10:53,967
We have our own salt.
289
00:10:53,969 --> 00:10:56,103
Where's my cutlery?
290
00:10:56,105 --> 00:10:58,171
You got to earn it.
291
00:11:03,127 --> 00:11:04,311
(timer dings)
292
00:11:04,313 --> 00:11:05,779
CAROL:
Ah, the cookies!
293
00:11:05,781 --> 00:11:08,064
You made cookies
for my hockey game?
294
00:11:08,066 --> 00:11:09,299
Mom, that's so sweet.
295
00:11:09,301 --> 00:11:10,767
Here, let me grab one of those.
296
00:11:10,769 --> 00:11:13,353
Oh, no, no, no, they
have almonds in them.
297
00:11:13,355 --> 00:11:15,806
They have almonds in them?
I'm allergic to almonds.
298
00:11:15,808 --> 00:11:17,240
I know, but Adam's not.
299
00:11:17,242 --> 00:11:18,942
I wanted to do
something nice for him
300
00:11:18,944 --> 00:11:21,778
since he's been giving up
his weekends to drive me around.
301
00:11:21,780 --> 00:11:23,280
Okay, okay.
302
00:11:23,282 --> 00:11:24,948
I, uh, know what
you're doing here.
303
00:11:24,950 --> 00:11:26,283
I can see your little...
304
00:11:26,285 --> 00:11:27,834
your little game
you're trying to play.
305
00:11:27,836 --> 00:11:30,337
And quite frankly, it's,
uh, it's very childish.
306
00:11:30,339 --> 00:11:31,421
What do you mean?
307
00:11:31,423 --> 00:11:33,256
Well, you're trying
to me me jealous.
308
00:11:33,258 --> 00:11:34,591
What?!
309
00:11:34,593 --> 00:11:35,876
No, I'm not.
310
00:11:35,878 --> 00:11:38,578
Honestly, I'm just
going about my life
311
00:11:38,580 --> 00:11:40,714
and giving you space
to go about yours.
312
00:11:40,716 --> 00:11:41,915
(knocking)
313
00:11:41,917 --> 00:11:43,416
Oh, it's Adam!
314
00:11:43,418 --> 00:11:44,384
What's he doing here?
315
00:11:44,386 --> 00:11:46,386
Is he coming
to my hockey game, too?
316
00:11:46,388 --> 00:11:48,605
Oh, no, I'm sorry.
I'm not coming to your game.
317
00:11:48,607 --> 00:11:51,424
Uh, before we run my errands,
Adam and I are going down
318
00:11:51,426 --> 00:11:54,477
to the creek to film our
audition for The Amazing Race.
319
00:11:55,463 --> 00:11:56,930
Coming!
320
00:11:56,932 --> 00:11:59,716
Wait. But you-you've never
missed one of my games,
321
00:11:59,718 --> 00:12:01,117
and this is a playoff game.
322
00:12:01,119 --> 00:12:03,486
Well, isn't there another one
next weekend?
323
00:12:03,488 --> 00:12:04,404
Well, if we win.
324
00:12:04,406 --> 00:12:06,790
Well, try to win, honey.
325
00:12:06,792 --> 00:12:08,525
BOTH:
Hey!
326
00:12:08,527 --> 00:12:10,443
Look what I have.
Matching T-shirts!
327
00:12:10,445 --> 00:12:11,378
Oh!
328
00:12:11,380 --> 00:12:13,330
Okay, our Amazing Race
team name:
329
00:12:13,332 --> 00:12:14,664
The Fun-In-Laws.
330
00:12:14,666 --> 00:12:16,149
(squeals)
331
00:12:16,151 --> 00:12:17,634
(both laugh)
332
00:12:17,636 --> 00:12:19,285
- Hey, Nate.
- Hey, brother...
333
00:12:19,287 --> 00:12:22,806
from another mother.
334
00:12:22,808 --> 00:12:24,290
Adam, these are for you.
335
00:12:24,292 --> 00:12:26,309
Those special cookies
you were talking about.
336
00:12:26,311 --> 00:12:27,794
Oh, almond snickerdoodles!
337
00:12:27,796 --> 00:12:29,629
These are one of
my favorite doodles,
338
00:12:29,631 --> 00:12:31,514
right in between Cheez Doodles
and Labradoodles.
339
00:12:31,516 --> 00:12:34,601
Let me get your laundry
together, and then we'll go.
340
00:12:34,603 --> 00:12:35,635
Wait.
341
00:12:35,637 --> 00:12:37,220
You did his laundry?
342
00:12:37,222 --> 00:12:38,989
Well, it's the least I could do.
343
00:12:38,991 --> 00:12:41,107
He's been driving me around
all over town.
344
00:12:41,109 --> 00:12:43,510
Was Adam's laundry
in the dryer this morning?
345
00:12:43,512 --> 00:12:46,379
'Cause I grabbed
some boxers and...
346
00:12:46,381 --> 00:12:48,081
Oh, gross!
347
00:12:48,083 --> 00:12:50,250
I'm wearing Adam's underwear?!
348
00:12:50,252 --> 00:12:51,651
It's okay, boxer bro.
349
00:12:51,653 --> 00:12:53,370
No.
350
00:12:53,372 --> 00:12:57,156
No, we are not boxer bros,
so you can have these ba...
351
00:13:00,011 --> 00:13:02,512
(straining):
That was such a bad idea.
352
00:13:03,347 --> 00:13:04,664
I thought they would rip.
353
00:13:04,666 --> 00:13:06,349
They didn't rip.
354
00:13:06,351 --> 00:13:07,968
Something ripped.
355
00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:11,187
Nathan, you are acting crazy.
356
00:13:11,189 --> 00:13:12,188
Am I?!
357
00:13:12,190 --> 00:13:14,758
Am I the one
who's acting crazy?!
358
00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:15,692
Okay, you know what?
359
00:13:15,694 --> 00:13:17,027
This has gone too far, Mom.
360
00:13:17,029 --> 00:13:18,228
You win, okay?
361
00:13:18,230 --> 00:13:20,780
I-I give up.
I'll start driving you again.
362
00:13:20,782 --> 00:13:23,349
Oh, calm down.
I don't want you to drive me.
363
00:13:23,351 --> 00:13:24,668
I'm fine. I prefer Adam.
364
00:13:24,670 --> 00:13:25,902
NATHAN:
Oh, really?
365
00:13:25,904 --> 00:13:27,320
You prefer Adam?
366
00:13:27,322 --> 00:13:28,738
Why? Give me one specific.
367
00:13:28,740 --> 00:13:30,123
Is it his soft supple hands
368
00:13:30,125 --> 00:13:31,658
that have never known
a day's work?
369
00:13:31,660 --> 00:13:33,576
Or the fact that he always
smells like hummus?
370
00:13:33,578 --> 00:13:36,162
Sorry, buddy, you're just kind
of in the line of fire here.
371
00:13:36,164 --> 00:13:39,215
Oh, were those insults?
372
00:13:39,217 --> 00:13:40,500
Seriously, Mom,
you can stop pretending
373
00:13:40,502 --> 00:13:43,053
to like spending time
with Adam just to get back at me
374
00:13:43,055 --> 00:13:44,471
- for not driving you around.
- Pretending?
375
00:13:44,473 --> 00:13:45,722
I'm not pretending.
376
00:13:45,724 --> 00:13:48,224
I like the way
he looks at me, okay?
377
00:13:48,226 --> 00:13:51,377
Adam listens to me
and values my advice.
378
00:13:51,379 --> 00:13:55,315
He happily lets me put sunscreen
on him even when it's cloudy.
379
00:13:55,317 --> 00:13:58,217
He actually reads the
comic strips I cut out for him.
380
00:13:58,219 --> 00:14:00,720
And when we buy pants,
he lets me put my fingers
381
00:14:00,722 --> 00:14:04,107
in his waistband to make sure
they're not too tight.
382
00:14:04,109 --> 00:14:07,694
Nathan, basically, he treats me
the way you used to...
383
00:14:07,696 --> 00:14:09,312
like a mother.
384
00:14:09,314 --> 00:14:12,749
Oh... boy.
385
00:14:12,751 --> 00:14:14,484
Uh, Carol...
386
00:14:20,341 --> 00:14:23,376
I hope I haven't been sending
you any mixed signals here.
387
00:14:23,378 --> 00:14:25,679
I love you
as a mother-in-law,
388
00:14:25,681 --> 00:14:28,014
but I'm not looking
for a mother, okay?
389
00:14:28,016 --> 00:14:29,265
I already have one.
390
00:14:30,334 --> 00:14:32,302
Maybe I'll have two
391
00:14:32,304 --> 00:14:34,304
if my mom finally works up
the courage
392
00:14:34,306 --> 00:14:36,773
to propose
to her bowling partner.
393
00:14:39,259 --> 00:14:41,311
I hope you're happy.
394
00:14:41,313 --> 00:14:43,613
I found someone I could have
a conversation with,
395
00:14:43,615 --> 00:14:45,031
and you ran him off.
396
00:14:46,650 --> 00:14:48,635
I need to be talked to, Nathan.
397
00:14:48,637 --> 00:14:50,620
A mother has needs.
398
00:14:50,622 --> 00:14:53,740
Oh, please, you and I have
conversations all the time.
399
00:14:53,742 --> 00:14:55,875
Not compared to other mothers
and sons.
400
00:14:55,877 --> 00:14:58,111
My friend Sharon tells me
that she and her son
401
00:14:58,113 --> 00:15:00,330
are chatting it up
four or five times a week.
402
00:15:00,332 --> 00:15:01,948
I'm lucky if I get in a quickie
403
00:15:01,950 --> 00:15:03,466
before you turn on
the television.
404
00:15:03,468 --> 00:15:05,969
Wham, bam, thank you, Mom!
405
00:15:05,971 --> 00:15:07,837
That's ridiculous!
I spent an hour the other night
406
00:15:07,839 --> 00:15:10,876
listening to you go on about how
your pinky toe is giving you fits.
407
00:15:10,901 --> 00:15:12,777
It was my pointer toe!
408
00:15:12,778 --> 00:15:15,145
I knew you weren't listening.
You were faking it!
409
00:15:15,147 --> 00:15:17,180
And don't think I didn't see you
take that little pill
410
00:15:17,182 --> 00:15:19,015
20 minutes before we had
our talk.
411
00:15:19,017 --> 00:15:21,467
It was a caffeine pill.
You were putting me to sleep.
412
00:15:21,469 --> 00:15:23,770
I needed that pill
to keep me up.
413
00:15:23,772 --> 00:15:25,805
Lots of sons take them.
414
00:15:28,275 --> 00:15:30,243
My conversations used to be
exciting enough
415
00:15:30,245 --> 00:15:31,911
that you didn't need a pill!
416
00:15:31,913 --> 00:15:34,114
And my hockey games
used to be exciting enough
417
00:15:34,116 --> 00:15:35,832
that you wanted
to come and cheer!
418
00:15:35,834 --> 00:15:38,084
But these days, you're too busy
looking at your watch!
419
00:15:38,086 --> 00:15:40,153
It's like you've completely lost
interest in the men's
420
00:15:40,155 --> 00:15:41,454
Mid-Atlantic Regional
News Station
421
00:15:41,456 --> 00:15:42,839
Division B hockey league!
422
00:15:44,291 --> 00:15:46,543
You say I don't treat you
like a mother?
423
00:15:46,545 --> 00:15:49,281
Well, maybe that's because
you don't treat me like a son.
424
00:15:49,306 --> 00:15:51,306
Lately, you just look at me
like a roommate.
425
00:15:51,683 --> 00:15:53,133
A roommate with a car!
426
00:15:53,135 --> 00:15:54,951
Yeah, well, maybe I'm just
gonna move out!
427
00:15:54,953 --> 00:15:56,836
Where are you gonna go?!
You can't even drive!
428
00:15:56,838 --> 00:15:59,505
Your father told me if I ever
felt like gambling with my life,
429
00:15:59,507 --> 00:16:01,307
he'd teach me to drive!
430
00:16:01,309 --> 00:16:04,060
Well, mama's feeling lucky.
431
00:16:06,030 --> 00:16:08,181
Have fun crashing Dad's car!
432
00:16:08,183 --> 00:16:10,784
Yeah? Well, have fun
trying to ice skate
433
00:16:10,786 --> 00:16:13,019
with a ripped scrotum!
434
00:16:21,443 --> 00:16:22,910
(tires screech)
Ooh! Oh, no!
435
00:16:22,912 --> 00:16:24,946
Oh, no! l hit him!
436
00:16:24,948 --> 00:16:26,564
That poor squirrel!
437
00:16:26,566 --> 00:16:28,950
You didn't hit the squirrel.
You just came close.
438
00:16:28,952 --> 00:16:30,034
- Oh!
- He's fine!
439
00:16:30,036 --> 00:16:32,086
He's just picking up
a French fry.
440
00:16:32,088 --> 00:16:34,288
(sobbing)
441
00:16:35,958 --> 00:16:38,292
Why can you never
be happy hor someone else
442
00:16:38,294 --> 00:16:40,077
getting a French fry?
443
00:16:40,079 --> 00:16:42,513
I could've killed him.
444
00:16:42,515 --> 00:16:45,249
And that squirrel's mother
would have always regretted
445
00:16:45,251 --> 00:16:48,269
that she wasn't there
to cheer him across the road.
446
00:16:48,771 --> 00:16:50,638
Are you kidding?
It's almost spring.
447
00:16:50,640 --> 00:16:52,640
All she's thinking about
is eating nuts
448
00:16:52,642 --> 00:16:55,759
and getting knocked up.
449
00:16:55,761 --> 00:16:58,112
I'm not upset
about the squirrel.
450
00:16:58,114 --> 00:17:00,898
I'm upset about Nathan and me.
451
00:17:00,900 --> 00:17:04,368
I've been furious at him
for not making me feel special,
452
00:17:04,370 --> 00:17:06,737
but he was right.
453
00:17:06,739 --> 00:17:09,907
I haven't been treating him
special lately either.
454
00:17:09,909 --> 00:17:13,611
I'm looking at you,
but I'm completely lost.
455
00:17:13,613 --> 00:17:15,779
I've got to make this right.
456
00:17:15,781 --> 00:17:17,748
I've got to get
to that hockey game.
457
00:17:17,750 --> 00:17:20,617
I got to root my son on
the way I used to!
458
00:17:20,619 --> 00:17:22,303
Out of my way, squirrel!
459
00:17:22,305 --> 00:17:24,171
(tires screech)
460
00:17:24,173 --> 00:17:26,256
You want to go?!
Yeah, you want to go?!
461
00:17:26,258 --> 00:17:28,642
What? She started it!
462
00:17:28,644 --> 00:17:31,061
Time-out, ref, time-out.
463
00:17:33,014 --> 00:17:34,598
That's your fourth fight today.
464
00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:36,466
Your temper's gonna
cost us the championship.
465
00:17:36,468 --> 00:17:38,319
Which is gonna put us
in last place
466
00:17:38,321 --> 00:17:41,105
because there's only two teams
in this crappy league.
467
00:17:41,107 --> 00:17:42,472
Look, man, I'm sorry.
468
00:17:42,474 --> 00:17:44,825
It's just... I've been
fighting with my mom,
469
00:17:44,827 --> 00:17:46,476
and it's-it's got me
all worked up.
470
00:17:46,478 --> 00:17:48,028
You always fight with your mom.
471
00:17:48,030 --> 00:17:49,479
Why you so mad?
472
00:17:49,481 --> 00:17:52,983
This isn't our everyday fight
about licking the steak knives.
473
00:17:52,985 --> 00:17:55,252
Which is dangerous.
You could cut your tongue off.
474
00:17:55,254 --> 00:17:58,321
(garbled): And you'd
be talking like this.
475
00:17:58,323 --> 00:18:00,758
No, the point is,
it's bigger than that, okay?
476
00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:02,593
You see, I've been
taking her for granted,
477
00:18:02,595 --> 00:18:03,927
and then she's gonna move out.
478
00:18:03,929 --> 00:18:05,328
And I don't want her
to move out.
479
00:18:05,330 --> 00:18:07,047
Who else is gonna be there
to welcome me
480
00:18:07,049 --> 00:18:09,299
when I come home at night
or make my breakfast smoothie?
481
00:18:09,301 --> 00:18:11,168
Or to sweep my hair
off the pillow
482
00:18:11,170 --> 00:18:13,387
before I wake up
so I don't freak out?!
483
00:18:13,389 --> 00:18:16,273
Point is, she is
the best mom/roommate
484
00:18:16,275 --> 00:18:19,109
a son could ask for,
and I've been a complete jerk.
485
00:18:19,111 --> 00:18:21,195
Well, why are you wasting your
time telling me this stuff?
486
00:18:21,197 --> 00:18:22,980
Tell her.
487
00:18:22,982 --> 00:18:25,699
Tell her before it's too late.
488
00:18:25,701 --> 00:18:29,352
But the game...
the playoff game.
489
00:18:29,354 --> 00:18:33,791
Playoffs come and go,
but moms are forever.
490
00:18:33,793 --> 00:18:35,525
Go, Nathan.
491
00:18:35,527 --> 00:18:38,128
Go get her!
492
00:18:38,130 --> 00:18:39,580
I'm already gone.
493
00:18:39,582 --> 00:18:40,714
(laughs)
494
00:18:40,716 --> 00:18:43,300
Tell the guys I had diarrhea...
495
00:18:43,302 --> 00:18:45,219
of the heart.
496
00:18:45,221 --> 00:18:48,088
497
00:18:58,733 --> 00:19:00,901
498
00:19:13,564 --> 00:19:15,833
499
00:19:23,508 --> 00:19:25,342
(screaming)
500
00:19:28,296 --> 00:19:30,380
(tires screech)
501
00:19:30,382 --> 00:19:31,915
(grunts)
502
00:19:32,851 --> 00:19:35,636
Nathan, are you okay?!
503
00:19:35,638 --> 00:19:38,889
Oh, God, I'm rising up
out of my body.
504
00:19:38,891 --> 00:19:41,225
No, I'm just sitting up.
505
00:19:41,227 --> 00:19:42,743
(sighs)
506
00:19:42,745 --> 00:19:44,445
Hey.
507
00:19:44,447 --> 00:19:46,897
If you need a witness,
it was all her fault.
508
00:19:46,899 --> 00:19:48,482
I saw everything.
509
00:19:48,484 --> 00:19:50,284
Thank you, ma'am.
510
00:19:50,286 --> 00:19:53,037
But actually,
you didn't see everything.
511
00:19:53,039 --> 00:19:55,990
You didn't see the things she
did before she plowed into me.
512
00:19:55,992 --> 00:19:58,592
Like put my towels in the dryer
so they're toasty
513
00:19:58,594 --> 00:20:00,160
when I get out of the shower.
514
00:20:00,162 --> 00:20:03,664
Put kale in my brownies
so I get my iron in a fun way.
515
00:20:05,250 --> 00:20:07,718
Or being kind enough to save her
errands for the weekend
516
00:20:07,720 --> 00:20:10,321
so she can spend a little
extra time with her son.
517
00:20:10,323 --> 00:20:11,755
Wait a second.
518
00:20:11,757 --> 00:20:13,540
You're Nathan Miller
from the news.
519
00:20:13,542 --> 00:20:15,876
I guess it's true what they say:
520
00:20:15,878 --> 00:20:17,511
don't meet your heroes.
521
00:20:19,064 --> 00:20:20,814
Oh.
522
00:20:20,816 --> 00:20:22,933
You're my hero.
523
00:20:22,935 --> 00:20:24,435
I'm sorry, Nathan,
524
00:20:24,437 --> 00:20:27,922
I lost track of what was
important and missed your game.
525
00:20:27,924 --> 00:20:29,556
I'm sorry I took you
for granted.
526
00:20:29,558 --> 00:20:30,741
I love you, Mom.
527
00:20:32,393 --> 00:20:34,995
Don't tell him you had
a chardonnay at lunch.
528
00:20:34,997 --> 00:20:36,497
(sighs)
529
00:20:36,499 --> 00:20:37,731
I may need another one
530
00:20:37,733 --> 00:20:40,000
after striking
my first pedestrian.
531
00:20:40,002 --> 00:20:42,603
But I think my driving lesson
is over for today.
532
00:20:42,605 --> 00:20:44,088
Come on.
I'll drive you home.
533
00:20:44,090 --> 00:20:46,790
And just so you know, I don't
mind driving you around anymore.
534
00:20:46,792 --> 00:20:48,592
Every once in a while, maybe.
535
00:20:48,594 --> 00:20:51,078
But I'm going to continue
trying to learn.
536
00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:52,179
Before I ran over you,
537
00:20:52,181 --> 00:20:54,348
I was really starting
to get the hang of it.
538
00:20:54,350 --> 00:20:56,016
I saw you when I hit
the windshield.
539
00:20:56,018 --> 00:20:57,534
You looked really confident.
540
00:20:59,136 --> 00:21:00,852
She had a scotch, too.
541
00:21:01,554 --> 00:21:06,054
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
542
00:21:06,104 --> 00:21:10,654
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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