All language subtitles for The Millers s01e11 Dear Diary.eng

(sighs) Hmm.

I feel like I have an
unfair advantage over you

since I grew up in a house
that was falling apart.

Nathan, we've got a problem.

Yeah, Mom, it's tragic that they're
turning the Yarn Barn into a Starbucks,

but I am not gonna spend another weekend

in a crocheted poncho chanting,

"Are we gonna fight?"
You're gosh yarn right."

This is bigger than that.

Debbie's having money
problems, and she's worried

about the future of her
and Adam's yoga caf?.

Yeah, of course she is.
The caf? is meat-free,

gluten-free and customer-free.

(chuckles) I had their
seaweed smoothie once.

First time I ever had a drink
that tasted better coming up.

(chuckles)

Yeah, well, anyway, she... she hasn't
mentioned anything about it to me.

She hasn't mentioned it to anyone.

Then how do you know about it?

Oh, no, Mom, no. Come on.

When Debbie turned 18, we vowed

that we'd never read her diary again.

You read her diary?

That's a sin!

At school, I wouldn't
even read Anne Frank's

because she didn't give me permission!

Look, Ray, I promise, we
only ever did it to help her.

When she was eight, she cried
a lot but wouldn't tell us why,

so I bought her a diary

that had a secret key,

the secret being that I had another copy.

Hmm.

And that's how I learned

that she was wetting the bed.

And like a good older brother,
I wet my bed, slept in it,

and in the morning Mom told the
whole family it was no big deal.

You spent the night in pee?!

Why didn't you just pour
some water on the bed

after you woke up?

Nobody likes a Monday
morning quarterback, Ray.

Anyway, according to her diary,

Debbie's thinking about
selling her diamond necklace.

Wait. The one she inherited
from Great Nana Ruth?

Yes.

Come on, Nathan. Debbie needs us.

Well, I guess I could convince my boss
to do a story about healthy living.

We could feature Debbie's caf?.

Be like a free commercial.

Perfect!

But before I go,

the secret pledge.

(sighs)

CAROL AND NATHAN: If family's in trouble,

we're there on the double.

Mother and son combine as one.

Should've kept that a secret.

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Hey, guys. Hey, Dad.

- DEBBIE AND ADAM: Hey.
- Hey, listen, uh, can you do me a favor?

I'm doing a story on
healthy living, and I need

to feature a place that
has food and exercise.

Are you serious?

I mean, being on the news
is like free publicity.

We could really use that right now.

Wow. Here I was thinking that
you were doing me a favor,

but if it helps all of us,
even better. Great. Okay.

Uh, I guess we'll just ask you guys

a couple questions about the caf?.

Wait. Hold on a second. Wait.
We're gonna be on TV? Okay.

Should I do glasses or
no glasses? All right.

I'll be sexy. Smart. Sexy. Smart.

Sexy. (groans) Oh, man!

That Great Nana Ruth's necklace?

Look at it, around your neck,
where it should always be.

Hmm. Yeah. Hey, I'm gonna get
Adam's Whispering Frog costume.

Do you think there's a way
we can work our slogan in?

"Come for the yoga, namaste for lunch"?

Sure. Anything to take
the focus off the food.

Hey, Tom.

Playing yourself in chess, huh?

Who's winning?

Too early to tell.

He is.

You should bring some of
your buddies down here.

I think they could use the business.

I don't really have a lot of buddies.

At my age, all the decent
men either get swept up

- by women or God.
- Well,

if you're looking for a friend,
there's a guy in my building,

Walter. Real cool cat.

He's divorced like you,
dapper, listens to jazz.

I don't know much about jazz.

I did watch a jazzercise
class once, and I...

I remember enjoying that
an uncomfortable amount.

Great!

There's jazz in the park every Saturday.

The three of us should go.

Sounds good.

Uh, listen, uh...

Ray, do you mind not telling
Nathan you're setting me up?

He'll tell Carol. It'll be a nightmare.

- What are you talking about?
- Well, Carol always teased me for...

being awkward around
people, claimed that...

she was the only reason we had any friends.

So, anyway, if she finds out
you're having to set me up,

she'll know she was right.
I'll never hear the end of it.

It'll be like that... that time
I got Krazy Glue on my hand.

Mmm. I reached down to scratch my...

I just don't want to hear about it.

Yeah.

So if you Leesburgers
are looking for something

other than cheeseburgers,

well, the Whispering Frog Yoga Caf? h...

has a healthy list of daily specials

all made from organic ingredients.

Like their slogan says,
come for the yoga and...

And come for the yoga.

She means "and namaste for lunch."

And come for the yoga.

- It's great. I love it.
- (doorbell rings)

Can't believe they aired
it four times today.

Thank you so, so much. Oh!

Business was great today.
We got to do that thing

where you take money to the bank.

Anyway, here's a little
token of our appreciation.

Adam turned some leftover mung
beans into thank you muffins.

Oh, great. I'll just... I'll
put these in the kitchen.

(sniffs) Inside some Tupperware.

(sniffs) Inside more Tupperware.

(sniffs) Inside my garbage.

- Debbie, I'm so glad business is booming.
- Yeah, thanks.

- I mean, Nathan's the best.
- Well, you know what they say.

Behind every good man is a
good woman. Usually his mother.

Okay, I got to go. Thanks again, Nate!

Uh, Debbie, with all those
new customers running around,

you may want to tuck your

great-grandmother's necklace into your shirt.

That's a family heirloom
we should never be without.

It's just I wear this
necklace all the time,

no one says anything
about it, and then suddenly

both Mom and Nathan mention it?

Did you tell them we were
thinking of selling it?

Did I tell your family, who still wishes

you had married that lawyer Richard,

that we may have to
sell a precious heirloom

in order to save our failing business?

No, I did not.

Well, if you didn't say anything, I mean...

Adam.

I think Mom and Nathan
might be reading my diary.

(knocking) Hey.

Is this too much?

I want to make some friends,
so Ray is setting me up

with a guy in his building.

Oh. Well, that's nice.

Just don't tell your
mother, but Ray said this guy

is very dapper, and I want to impress him,

so I've been digging deep in my closet.

How 'bout this?

Dad, is that from Mikayla's
Girl Scout uniform?

Damn it! I hate all my clothes!

(chuckles) You know, if
I didn't know any better,

I'd think your dad has a
crush on this guy. (chuckles)

What if you read it in my diary?

Would you believe it then?

- Why would you write it...
- Listen, if Mom and Nathan are reading my diary,

they're never gonna admit it.
But if I put something fake

in it, you know, maybe I could trap 'em.

Okay, wait a second.
You don't actually think

you can convince Nathan and
your mom that your dad is gay,

- do you?
- (knocking)

Mikayla's doll had some clip-on earrings.

Does this make me look
as cool as Harrison Ford?

Cooler, Dad.

- I'll get a pen.
- I'll get my diary.

What?

I was reading Debbie's diary again.

And...?

And...

we might be going to a lot more parades.

Wait, you're telling me that Dad is gay?

That's what Debbie wrote.

Well, maybe she just misunderstood. I mean,

maybe he was just agreeing
with her about something.

He has a really weird way of saying "okay."

"Mmm-kay."

Kind of sounds like "I'm gay."

"Mmm-kay?" "I'm gay."

"Mmm-kay."

"I'm gay."

"Debbie, I need to tell you something.

Mmm-kay?"

Listen, when I read it, it was
hard for me to believe, too.

But now, thinking back, I can't
deny that there were signs.

He was always primping in the bathroom,

almost as bad as you.

Hey. I got carded buying beer last Friday,

so whatever I'm doing is worth it.

You know what? Your father was

always a little awkward trying
to make friends with other men.

I used to make fun of
him, but I never realized

he might've been sizing them up for sex.

Oh, come on.

Dad's awkward with everybody.

He spent 45 minutes talking to
Tommy Lee Jones at a wax museum.

It all makes sense now.

All the years of fighting,
his impatience with me.

This is why our marriage fell apart.

Ah! I feel like a weight has been lifted.

He wasn't divorcing me.

He was divorcing his heterosexuality.

- (chuckles)
- Wait,

you're actually giddy about this.

You want him to be gay, don't you?

I won't deny that there are upsides,

not just for me.

When he falls asleep on
the couch after dinner,

he deserves to be with
somebody who's strong enough

to carry him up the stairs.

I'm gonna call and tell him it's okay.

No, no, Mom. Stop it. Stop
it. No, no, no. Come on. Look.

There's no way that Dad is gay.

Besides, if you just ask
him, Debbie's gonna know

that we've been reading her diary.

Oh, fine. Debbie invited us
over for that thank you dinner.

We'll just dig around then.

Oh, I thought of another sign.

During sex, when he called out my name,

I swear, sometimes instead of "Carol,"

he was saying "Carl."

Wait, wait. Wait a second. That was sex?

I used to hear Dad through
the wall and just thought

he was on the phone with a guy named Carl

who was taking a long
time to finish something.

Come on down, Dad!

Let's see how you look!

Are you sure you bought me
the right shirt for tonight?

- Do guys really dress like this?
- (vehicle approaching)

Sure. Yeah. Certain guys do.

- Yeah.
- (car doors shut outside)

Oh, that must be Ray with my new friend.

Oh, no, no. No, no. It's...
it's Carol and Nathan.

What are they doing here?

Dad... Dad, just tell her
you're going to a jazz concert

with a friend, okay? She doesn't
need to know anything else.

She won't ask and you don't tell.

Nathan, Mom,

hey, come on in.

You remember Dad.

(door shuts)

Hi, Tom. Uh, cute outfit.

Looks like you wrapped
a rainbow all around you.

Well, a guy gets older,
he wants to experiment,

try new things.

Stop acting so surprised, mmm-kay?

What... what did you say?

- (timer dings)
- Oh, that's my quinoa casserole.

Just chat amongst yourselves.

So? Did they read your diary or what?

Shh, shh. We'll know in a minute.

CAROL: So, is there, um,

a reason you're all dressed up?

I'm going out to meet a friend

whom I met on my own.

And that's all you need to know.

Okay, Tom.

I'm sure your friend's
gonna love the outfit,

although... a little word of advice

from one diva to another...

those pants scream out
for a lighter color shoe.

Damn it! I hate all my shoes!

I can't believe it. A gay in the family.

This is so exciting.

I wonder if we'll get to
go on Elton John's boat.

Just...

calm down. Debbie's diary
could still be wrong.

That's it. I'm gonna kill 'em!

They're about to make fools
of themselves. Please, Debbie.

They have enjoyed ten years
of me doing stupid things.

Let me just enjoy this. Please.

- Ray.
- Oh.

I didn't know you were gonna be here.

Hi. I'm Walter. Here to pick up Tom.

Hi. I'm Carol.

And I want to encourage you and Tom to have

a great time together, no
matter where the night takes you.

Just be safe.

I brought a raincoat, just in case.

Confident.

TOM: Hey, Ray!

Good to see you guys inside.

When I was clearly yelling from the window

that I'd meet you at the curb.

- Hi, Tom.
- Hey.

I'm Walter. This group I'm gonna
introduce you to tonight is amazing.

There's this one dude called Golden Lips.

You're gonna love the way he blows.

I don't know. He's pretty
particular about that.

Okay. This is gonna be fun.

I'm so glad Ray hooked us up.

Great. Well, Carol, I
guess my secret is out.

I'm sure you're thrilled.

Well, judge all you want.

So what if Ray set me up with a guy?

I couldn't meet one on my own.

I can only play solo chess for so long.

I've never heard that
euphemism before, but I just...

I just want you to know that we understand.

I guess you must've been playing solo chess

the whole time we were married.

It's not like I could play with you.

You don't even know where the pieces go.

I know where they go, Tom.

I just don't have the
one you're looking for.

(whispers): The penis.

Excuse me?

Because you're gay.

Who's gay?

- He's gay.
- I'm gay?

You didn't tell me he was gay.

I didn't know he was gay.

Who told you I was gay?

Mom told me you were gay.

Why did you think I was gay?

Because she read it

in my diary!

I made it up as a test, and she failed.

Debbie, how dare you
lie to me in your diary!

Oh! But my deepest, darkest
secrets are in that book!

- How dare you invade my privacy like that!
- (ding)

Ooh, it's the quinoa casserole!

This isn't over! (grunts)

Well.

Well, Walter... (chuckles)

now you've met the Millers.

Okay, yes, we read your diary.

But we only did it to help you out.

Oh, well, here's some news for you.

I don't need your help.

(both laugh)

Excuse me?

Debbie, if we hadn't stepped in,

you would've sold the
necklace and been miserable.

Just like you'd been
miserable if we'd let you

stay ashamed of wetting the bed.

You knew about that?

Come on, we know about everything.

I mean, we're the reason you
didn't smoke pot with Skunky.

Or get that boob job so you
could look like Jessica Rabbit.

You're welcome.

For what? Manipulating my entire life?

No, not your entire life.

We stopped when you were 18.

But I think we all know
how that turned out.

What do you mean by that?

My life is great.

Sweetheart, you drive a car

with a beanbag as a backseat.

Let's face it.

Your last ten years would've gone better

if all your life decisions had been made

by a drunk monkey using a Magic 8 Ball.

Okay, wait, wait, wait. Wait a minute.

Debbie and I met and got
married in the last ten years.

Do you consider me a mistake?

Am I a drunk monkey decision?

Yeah, Mom.

Do you consider the husband I
love to be some awful choice?

Not awful, no.

But if I'm being honest...

No, please don't.

If I'm being honest, I was
always a little surprised

that you broke up with Richard
and started dating Adam.

- Mom!
- I knew it.

Richard was in law school.

Adam worked in the grocery store.

I'm a mother.

These are the laws of nature.

It's not personal.

I told you!

See, I knew your family never liked me.

At our wedding, your
mother had a seating chart

that had you and me at different tables.

CAROL: I wanted you
near the emergency exit.

You're so big, I was worried

you would trample people
if there was a fire.

DEBBIE: He's not a giant, Mom!

My Aunt Ethel weighs 85 pounds.

If she got caught under one of his shoes,

she would shatter into a million pieces.

She'd be like a puzzle in a bag of skin.

Okay, enough, Carol. We get it.

You never would've chosen me.

No.

I chose you.

BOTH: What?

Mom, I lied.

After you moved, I read
Debbie's diary... alone.

Debbie had been really upset lately

and she wouldn't tell me what was wrong,

so I had no choice but to snoop again.

DEBBIE: Dear Diary,

Richard brought me to his
family's Thanksgiving today.

Since it was a holiday,
he let me have a dessert.

But only after I promised

to split it with the trashcan.

That doesn't sound like the Richard I knew.

Yeah, well, it was.

Just entry after entry,

he treated Debbie like a doormat.

And then I read this.

DEBBIE: Dear Diary, we went
to the grocery store today,

and Richard was up to his normal tricks

when I saw him again.

Adam.

Rocking the sexiest set

of male pigtails I've ever seen.

Not only is he handsome,

but he's as graceful as a gazelle.

NATHAN: She went on for eight pages.

And I could tell she really
cared about this Adam.

So I had to see him for myself.

Luckily, even though I was in my early 30s,

I could easily blend in with the kids

who hung out at the store.

As I watched Adam, I learned

that he was kind to old people.

He was kind to young people.

He was even kind to old people
pretending to be young people.

Behind the overalls

and ineffective organic deodorant,

he was a great guy.

I knew that was the kind of guy

who would make my sister
happy, so I decided

I had to help Debbie bag this bagger.

You know how you met
Adam at that yoga retreat?

Yeah, it was fate.

We couldn't believe that we both got

randomly selected to go
by Q106's morning show

with Johnny Cranks and, uh, Pirate Bob.

(as Pirate Bob): Ahoy
there, lucky listener.

If you're feeling flexible,

today's

your...

lucky day!

Oh, my God.

You were the one who called?

Yar, that be true.

I paid for you guys to
go on that yoga retreat

'cause I wanted to see...

I wanted to see if it was meant to be.

(quiet laugh)

And I guess it was meant to be.

Because nine months
after that yoga retreat,

I had a niece.

I always thought you didn't like me

because I wasn't good
enough for your sister.

No, Adam, I love you.

'Cause you've made her smile more than...

well, more than we ever have.

Nathan, that's so sweet.

Thank you.

Adam, I'm sorry.

I see now that you're the
perfect man for my daughter.

And I'm sorry I made you cut your pigtails

before the wedding.

(laughs) Come here.

Debbie, I promise that we'll
never read your diary again.

Although you should probably
find a new hiding spot.

We'll see.

It's kind of nice having
superheroes watch over me.

Shall we?

BOTH: If family's in trouble,

we're there on the double.

Mother and son

combine as one.

Good God, your family is so cool!

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