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1
00:00:03,820 --> 00:00:07,372
Damn, these tights are
cutting me a new butt crack.
2
00:00:07,374 --> 00:00:09,725
Got to say, I'm actually
uncomfortable
3
00:00:09,727 --> 00:00:11,827
with how comfortable
I am in these things.
4
00:00:11,829 --> 00:00:13,328
I mean, come on.
5
00:00:13,330 --> 00:00:15,464
Look, my calves look amazing.
I ought to wear these
6
00:00:15,466 --> 00:00:18,717
when I put the angel on top
of the tree, huh?
7
00:00:18,719 --> 00:00:21,170
So you and your family
looking forward to Christmas?
8
00:00:21,172 --> 00:00:24,673
I don't know. I don't know what
it's gonna be like this year.
9
00:00:24,675 --> 00:00:26,675
My parents are divorced,
I'm divorced,
10
00:00:26,677 --> 00:00:29,178
my DVR recorded
Frosty the Snowman in Spanish.
11
00:00:29,180 --> 00:00:30,562
Just everything is...
everything's off.
12
00:00:30,564 --> 00:00:32,047
- Right.
- How about you?
13
00:00:32,049 --> 00:00:33,381
You going to Atlantic City?
14
00:00:33,383 --> 00:00:35,601
Man, it wouldn't be the holidays
if I didn't have
15
00:00:35,603 --> 00:00:38,437
pai gow poker chips in one hand
and a comped eggnog in another.
16
00:00:38,439 --> 00:00:39,738
JANICE: Hey, guys.
17
00:00:39,740 --> 00:00:42,574
Anyone else's elf pants
just crawling up their ass?
18
00:00:42,576 --> 00:00:43,575
Oh, right here!
19
00:00:43,577 --> 00:00:45,077
I can almost taste mine.
20
00:00:45,079 --> 00:00:46,228
Mm.
21
00:00:46,230 --> 00:00:47,896
[laughter]
22
00:00:47,898 --> 00:00:49,898
Nathan, merry Christmas.
23
00:00:49,900 --> 00:00:53,418
Oh, wow. I didn't, uh, realize
we were doing gifts this year.
24
00:00:53,420 --> 00:00:56,404
You know what threw me off
was our bitter divorce.
25
00:00:56,406 --> 00:00:57,873
Come on. We're past all that.
26
00:00:57,875 --> 00:01:00,793
I just saw this, and it made me
think of our old tradition.
27
00:01:00,795 --> 00:01:02,077
The one
where we exchange pajamas,
28
00:01:02,079 --> 00:01:04,129
not the one where you,
uh, stuffed my stocking.
29
00:01:04,131 --> 00:01:06,515
See you outside, Saint Nips.
30
00:01:06,517 --> 00:01:09,468
Ow! That's my spot!
31
00:01:09,470 --> 00:01:11,186
Uh-oh, I know what this is.
32
00:01:11,188 --> 00:01:12,754
What?
33
00:01:12,756 --> 00:01:16,358
Single girl flying solo for the
holidays buys her ex a gift.
34
00:01:16,360 --> 00:01:18,143
That girl is Christmas horny.
35
00:01:18,145 --> 00:01:20,229
[chuckles]: Shut up.
36
00:01:20,231 --> 00:01:21,947
He could be right, Miller.
37
00:01:21,949 --> 00:01:23,615
Ray is overreacting,
Booms, okay?
38
00:01:23,617 --> 00:01:25,951
Trust me, Janice does not want
to get back together.
39
00:01:25,953 --> 00:01:28,120
Oh, I didn't say she wanted
to get back together.
40
00:01:28,122 --> 00:01:29,571
I said she was Christmas horny.
41
00:01:29,573 --> 00:01:30,823
[mouthing]
42
00:01:30,825 --> 00:01:32,124
And if you two guys have sex,
43
00:01:32,126 --> 00:01:34,076
it's gonna be drama
all over again around here.
44
00:01:34,078 --> 00:01:36,378
No, don't let that happen,
Miller.
45
00:01:36,380 --> 00:01:40,282
This was not a very pleasant work
environment after that divorce.
46
00:01:40,284 --> 00:01:42,417
Oh, come on. We always kept it
very professional.
47
00:01:42,419 --> 00:01:43,886
Really?
48
00:01:43,889 --> 00:01:47,622
Because I seem to remember breaking
up a spit fight in the parking lot.
49
00:01:47,624 --> 00:01:49,725
You both lost your dignity.
50
00:01:49,727 --> 00:01:52,311
And I lost a very nice
suede jacket.
51
00:01:52,313 --> 00:01:56,849
Not an easy item
to find in a boy's husky.
52
00:02:06,802 --> 00:02:13,802
Sync & corrections by no1
www.Addic7ed.Com
53
00:02:22,904 --> 00:02:26,490
Hey. I just put Mikayla's
present under the tree.
54
00:02:26,492 --> 00:02:27,491
She's gonna freak.
55
00:02:27,493 --> 00:02:29,877
I got her a Surface tablet.
56
00:02:29,879 --> 00:02:32,629
I don't know what that is,
but she's not gonna like it
57
00:02:32,631 --> 00:02:35,599
any more than the Walkman
cassette player I got her.
58
00:02:38,536 --> 00:02:42,789
I had to go to 15 stores
before I found one.
59
00:02:42,791 --> 00:02:47,294
Must be really popular
this year.
60
00:02:47,296 --> 00:02:49,179
It's-it's a computer tablet,
Mom.
61
00:02:49,181 --> 00:02:51,398
Yeah, you know, like the one she
was playing with at the mall.
62
00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:53,300
Oh, that. I'm not a big fan
63
00:02:53,302 --> 00:02:56,303
of anything that has
more answers than me.
64
00:02:56,305 --> 00:02:58,939
Plus, she started at it
hypnotized for 90 minutes.
65
00:02:58,941 --> 00:03:02,776
It was like your father
with the Lane Bryant catalog.
66
00:03:02,778 --> 00:03:03,861
[phone ringing]
67
00:03:03,863 --> 00:03:06,447
Oh, Mom, your phone's ringing.
68
00:03:06,449 --> 00:03:07,998
Hey, it's Grandma.
69
00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:09,199
Oh, great.
70
00:03:09,201 --> 00:03:11,118
The woman starts talking
the second she stops dialing.
71
00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:13,087
When I pick up,
she'll be in the middle
72
00:03:13,089 --> 00:03:14,821
of a conversation
I can't get out of.
73
00:03:14,823 --> 00:03:19,126
...so the whole thing blew up,
and now we have no heat.
74
00:03:19,128 --> 00:03:23,163
I told your idiot father
not to buy that fish tank.
75
00:03:23,165 --> 00:03:25,632
Anyway, we should
be there tomorrow.
76
00:03:25,634 --> 00:03:28,001
Y-You're coming here
for Christmas?
77
00:03:28,003 --> 00:03:30,437
How? Dad's not even able
to get around.
78
00:03:30,439 --> 00:03:33,390
Bud, pick up the phone!
79
00:03:35,443 --> 00:03:37,177
Hello?
80
00:03:37,179 --> 00:03:38,312
Hi, Dad.
81
00:03:38,314 --> 00:03:41,681
Hey, I got
two new knees... titanium.
82
00:03:41,683 --> 00:03:43,400
Look at this, look at this.
83
00:03:43,402 --> 00:03:46,370
She can't see ya, ya numbskull.
84
00:03:46,372 --> 00:03:47,821
She's on the phone.
85
00:03:47,823 --> 00:03:49,623
They're like new.
86
00:03:49,625 --> 00:03:51,325
Yesterday, I stepped
over a puddle.
87
00:03:51,327 --> 00:03:53,210
That-That's great to hear.
88
00:03:53,212 --> 00:03:56,547
Did I tell you, yesterday,
I stepped over a puddle?
89
00:03:56,549 --> 00:03:59,633
Bud, hang up the phone!
90
00:03:59,635 --> 00:04:02,586
Carol, since your father
can drive again,
91
00:04:02,588 --> 00:04:05,205
we'll be up there
to see you for Christmas.
92
00:04:05,207 --> 00:04:07,758
Mom, listen,
I-I'm not so sure...
93
00:04:07,760 --> 00:04:09,643
No, tell me tomorrow, Carol.
94
00:04:09,645 --> 00:04:13,564
You're running up my phone bill
and you're boring me.
95
00:04:13,566 --> 00:04:15,715
Bye!
96
00:04:15,717 --> 00:04:18,051
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
97
00:04:18,053 --> 00:04:20,354
My parents are coming
for Christmas!
98
00:04:20,356 --> 00:04:22,222
Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
99
00:04:22,224 --> 00:04:24,191
We have work to do.
100
00:04:24,193 --> 00:04:26,226
Put on your socks with treads.
101
00:04:26,228 --> 00:04:28,345
I'll dig out
the family pictures.
102
00:04:28,347 --> 00:04:29,580
Hey, what the hell's going on?
103
00:04:29,582 --> 00:04:32,899
We have to make it look like your
father and I still live here.
104
00:04:32,901 --> 00:04:36,036
Mother knows I would never put up
these tacky mall kiosk ornaments.
105
00:04:36,038 --> 00:04:40,240
I mean, who is Little Wayne, and
why is he looking for a ho-ho-ho?
106
00:04:43,094 --> 00:04:46,296
Whoa-whoa-whoa, Debbie,
what day is trash pickup?
107
00:04:46,298 --> 00:04:47,181
Thursday.
108
00:04:47,183 --> 00:04:48,215
Oh, thank goodness.
109
00:04:48,217 --> 00:04:49,516
I'm getting my wedding ring.
110
00:04:49,518 --> 00:04:51,635
For three months, I've been
trying to shoot it
111
00:04:51,637 --> 00:04:53,687
from across the room
into the trash can.
112
00:04:53,689 --> 00:04:57,107
Wouldn't you know, this is the
week I finally got the shot.
113
00:04:57,109 --> 00:04:59,810
W-Wait-wait a second.
114
00:04:59,812 --> 00:05:02,095
You haven't told Grandma yet
that you two are split up?
115
00:05:02,097 --> 00:05:05,432
I can't. Her neighbor Judy has
been divorced for 40 years,
116
00:05:05,434 --> 00:05:08,702
and my mother still silently boos
her when she takes communion.
117
00:05:08,704 --> 00:05:11,955
Mom, I need to point out
what a hypocrite you're being.
118
00:05:11,957 --> 00:05:13,907
Because when I lied to you
about my divorce,
119
00:05:13,909 --> 00:05:15,775
you grounded me
for three months.
120
00:05:15,777 --> 00:05:17,878
Which ended yesterday,
by the way.
121
00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:20,614
So I'd appreciate it if I could
get my Xbox back.
122
00:05:20,616 --> 00:05:21,999
I got the ring.
123
00:05:22,001 --> 00:05:24,618
And who threw away
the Lane Bryant catalog?
124
00:05:24,620 --> 00:05:27,671
Dad, I can't believe you're
going along with this. Why?
125
00:05:27,673 --> 00:05:30,174
I can't have Blanche banning me
from her lake house.
126
00:05:30,176 --> 00:05:31,508
It's so beautiful.
127
00:05:31,510 --> 00:05:34,511
You wouldn't believe
how many stars you can see.
128
00:05:34,513 --> 00:05:39,183
Last year, I saw
Linda Ronstadt at the bait shop.
129
00:05:39,185 --> 00:05:40,800
Hold on just a second.
I'm confused.
130
00:05:40,802 --> 00:05:42,085
If they still think
you're married,
131
00:05:42,087 --> 00:05:43,854
why would you still live
at this house?
132
00:05:43,856 --> 00:05:46,106
Yeah, they know that you moved
to Myrtle Beach ten years ago.
133
00:05:46,108 --> 00:05:47,407
We all visited at the same time.
134
00:05:47,409 --> 00:05:49,076
I was on
Grandma's sunscreen duty.
135
00:05:49,078 --> 00:05:53,480
Felt like I was massaging
damp corduroy.
136
00:05:53,482 --> 00:05:54,948
About a month ago,
my mother sent
137
00:05:54,950 --> 00:05:57,734
candied pecans down to Myrtle
Beach, and they got returned.
138
00:05:57,736 --> 00:05:59,670
When she called, I panicked.
139
00:05:59,672 --> 00:06:02,339
I told her we moved back
to Virginia to help Debbie
140
00:06:02,341 --> 00:06:04,374
while Adam was in rehab.
141
00:06:04,376 --> 00:06:05,626
Rehab?
142
00:06:05,628 --> 00:06:07,794
Adam doesn't even eat
sugar, let alone drink.
143
00:06:07,796 --> 00:06:09,496
It was for heroin.
144
00:06:09,498 --> 00:06:11,098
Oh, come on!
145
00:06:11,100 --> 00:06:13,267
It's a tangled web, honey,
and we're all in it.
146
00:06:13,269 --> 00:06:14,801
Nathan, you're gonna have
to call Janice
147
00:06:14,803 --> 00:06:15,936
and get her over here tomorrow.
148
00:06:15,938 --> 00:06:17,104
What?
149
00:06:17,106 --> 00:06:18,689
I didn't tell her
about your divorce either.
150
00:06:18,691 --> 00:06:20,173
Mother would kill me if she knew
151
00:06:20,175 --> 00:06:22,008
I let my son give up
on his marriage.
152
00:06:22,010 --> 00:06:24,561
Mom, I'm not gonna
spend my Christmas lying.
153
00:06:24,563 --> 00:06:26,230
Hey.
154
00:06:26,232 --> 00:06:28,649
Uh-oh. Carol, what are
we gonna do about the kids?
155
00:06:28,651 --> 00:06:31,702
She's not gonna be able
to keep up with the lies. Carol?
156
00:06:31,704 --> 00:06:33,853
Merry Christmas, honey.
157
00:06:33,855 --> 00:06:36,490
Your uncle gave you
a computer tableau.
158
00:06:36,492 --> 00:06:38,709
Cool!
159
00:06:38,711 --> 00:06:40,410
CAROL: I don't even
need to say any more.
160
00:06:40,412 --> 00:06:41,712
She's already in a trance.
161
00:06:41,714 --> 00:06:45,031
But she'll come up for air
around New Year's.
162
00:06:45,033 --> 00:06:46,199
Mom, I'm not doing this.
163
00:06:46,201 --> 00:06:48,168
You're not gonna ruin
my family's Christmas
164
00:06:48,170 --> 00:06:49,886
by forcing us all to tell lies.
165
00:06:49,888 --> 00:06:51,004
Wait, what lies?
166
00:06:51,006 --> 00:06:53,006
She told my grandma
you were addicted to heroin.
167
00:06:53,008 --> 00:06:54,658
That's not very Christmasy.
168
00:06:54,660 --> 00:06:57,761
Well, don't worry about it,
because we're not playing along.
169
00:06:57,763 --> 00:06:59,313
Yeah, me, neither.
170
00:06:59,315 --> 00:07:02,099
You made your bed, Mom,
now you can lie in it.
171
00:07:02,101 --> 00:07:04,384
Oh, really? Really?
172
00:07:04,386 --> 00:07:07,187
Mom's in a jam,
but she's made her bed?
173
00:07:07,189 --> 00:07:10,223
What about all the beds you
people have made over the years?
174
00:07:10,225 --> 00:07:12,242
That summer when you
gave yourself the home perm.
175
00:07:12,244 --> 00:07:14,695
Did I say, "Nathan,
you made your bed""
176
00:07:14,697 --> 00:07:17,564
or did I send you
to clown school for three weeks
177
00:07:17,566 --> 00:07:19,499
until it settled into a wave?
178
00:07:20,785 --> 00:07:22,619
And, Debbie,
when you wet your pants
179
00:07:22,621 --> 00:07:25,389
at your school talent show,
who pulled the fire alarm
180
00:07:25,391 --> 00:07:27,491
so your sorority sisters
wouldn't find out?
181
00:07:28,876 --> 00:07:30,877
Year after year, I've cleaned up
after your messes.
182
00:07:30,879 --> 00:07:33,413
And when Christmas rolls around,
do I put you on the naughty list?
183
00:07:33,415 --> 00:07:36,183
No, I make sure that
your Christmases are magical.
184
00:07:36,185 --> 00:07:39,720
And now, this one year,
when Mom's in a jam
185
00:07:39,722 --> 00:07:42,589
and needs your help,
you have the nerve to tell her
186
00:07:42,591 --> 00:07:46,360
she's made her bed
and there'll be no Christmas?!
187
00:07:47,895 --> 00:07:49,613
Merry Christmas!
188
00:07:49,615 --> 00:07:52,766
ALL: Merry Christmas!
189
00:07:58,444 --> 00:08:04,233
And so that son of a gun had the
nerve to ride our tail for 15 miles.
190
00:08:04,235 --> 00:08:05,934
So, finally, at a red light,
191
00:08:05,936 --> 00:08:09,671
I get out of the car and I say,
"Listen, Officer,
192
00:08:09,673 --> 00:08:12,541
turn off those
damn flashing lights."
193
00:08:13,710 --> 00:08:16,044
And I bet Dad
wasn't even speeding.
194
00:08:16,046 --> 00:08:17,412
No.
195
00:08:17,414 --> 00:08:22,384
But it seems that we were dragging
a bicycle for a few miles.
196
00:08:22,386 --> 00:08:24,786
Watch this.
197
00:08:24,788 --> 00:08:27,606
See that puddle? Yeah.
198
00:08:27,608 --> 00:08:29,725
Presto, right over it.
[chuckles]
199
00:08:31,728 --> 00:08:36,398
Look at you, Grandpa, you're like
the Evel Knievel of kitchen spills.
200
00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:40,352
So, Nathan, you and Janice are
coming up on an anniversary.
201
00:08:40,354 --> 00:08:42,971
Yeah, yeah,
four, uh, four years.
202
00:08:42,973 --> 00:08:44,940
What are you supposed
to get at four?
203
00:08:44,942 --> 00:08:47,159
Is it, uh, chairs
or personal space or...
204
00:08:47,161 --> 00:08:48,694
Oh, no, four is...
four is linen.
205
00:08:48,696 --> 00:08:50,195
And we're gonna have to get
206
00:08:50,198 --> 00:08:52,982
new sheets for our bed
'cause the ones we have are all
207
00:08:52,983 --> 00:08:54,616
- worn out, huh?
- [laughs]: Oh!
208
00:08:54,618 --> 00:08:56,702
I wish your diaphragm
would wear out.
209
00:08:58,922 --> 00:09:01,990
You know, when you wait so long
to make babies,
210
00:09:01,992 --> 00:09:06,494
it's more likely that they'll
be cross-eyed or foggy-headed.
211
00:09:06,496 --> 00:09:09,331
So, Adam, how's rehab?
212
00:09:09,939 --> 00:09:12,467
Did you see Lindsay Lohan
in there?
213
00:09:12,469 --> 00:09:15,337
I like her. She's got spunk.
214
00:09:15,339 --> 00:09:16,621
No, no celebrities.
215
00:09:16,623 --> 00:09:19,508
It's just me and my other
heroin addict friends.
216
00:09:19,510 --> 00:09:23,128
Mm. I know what it's like
to be addicted.
217
00:09:23,130 --> 00:09:28,400
My friend Alice got me hooked
on her grandson's ADD meds.
218
00:09:28,402 --> 00:09:32,604
I made a quilt
as long as my driveway.
219
00:09:34,274 --> 00:09:35,757
Uh, tell me something.
220
00:09:35,759 --> 00:09:37,442
Why'd I come in here again?
221
00:09:37,444 --> 00:09:39,111
Yeah, you smelled muffins,
Grandpa.
222
00:09:39,113 --> 00:09:40,279
Do you know what?
223
00:09:40,281 --> 00:09:41,964
Why don't you take some out
to everybody?
224
00:09:41,966 --> 00:09:43,481
Oh, fabulous.
225
00:09:43,483 --> 00:09:46,285
Smell good.
What are they, muffins?
226
00:09:48,788 --> 00:09:50,655
Who wants to see my new knees?
227
00:09:50,657 --> 00:09:53,125
We've moved on
from the knees, Bud.
228
00:09:53,127 --> 00:09:57,679
If you want to show them off some
more, go dance around in traffic.
229
00:09:57,681 --> 00:10:01,049
Ah, the familiar banter
of a long-lasting marriage.
230
00:10:01,051 --> 00:10:05,470
Marriage is a beautiful thing,
but it's damn hard.
231
00:10:05,472 --> 00:10:08,857
I said go dance in traffic, Bud.
232
00:10:11,844 --> 00:10:15,680
It takes strength to stay
married, but you have to.
233
00:10:15,682 --> 00:10:20,485
God doesn't want us to be
82 years old and alone.
234
00:10:20,487 --> 00:10:22,955
And we don't want
to either, right?
235
00:10:22,957 --> 00:10:26,024
Right, Mother.
W-We don't want that.
236
00:10:26,026 --> 00:10:27,793
None of us want that.
237
00:10:27,795 --> 00:10:29,861
Oh, Janice,
Grandma wants a baby,
238
00:10:29,863 --> 00:10:33,298
but she doesn't want to see us
make it right in front of her.
239
00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:36,835
Mmm! Smells like someone's
making some muffins.
240
00:10:36,837 --> 00:10:38,837
I'm gonna go in the kitchen
and get me one.
241
00:10:38,839 --> 00:10:40,756
Here, hold this.
242
00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:45,310
Come on, Ray.
243
00:10:45,312 --> 00:10:47,545
Pick up, pick up, pick up, man.
244
00:10:47,547 --> 00:10:49,014
Ni hao, Nate!
245
00:10:49,016 --> 00:10:51,984
I'm up $38,000!
246
00:10:51,986 --> 00:10:53,735
Whoop, I'm even.
247
00:10:53,737 --> 00:10:56,221
Look, Ray, I am
in big trouble here, man.
248
00:10:56,223 --> 00:10:58,056
Janice is here, in the house.
249
00:10:58,058 --> 00:10:59,107
My mom invited her.
250
00:10:59,109 --> 00:11:01,860
Janice is spending
Christmas with you?
251
00:11:01,862 --> 00:11:03,078
I'm gone 12 hours!
252
00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:04,446
How did this happen?
253
00:11:04,448 --> 00:11:08,166
Look, long insane story short,
my mom is making Janice and me
254
00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:10,869
pretend that we're still married
in front of my grandparents.
255
00:11:10,871 --> 00:11:12,254
And she looks good, man.
256
00:11:12,256 --> 00:11:14,339
The only way to stop myself
from getting aroused
257
00:11:14,341 --> 00:11:17,926
is to look at my grandma,
and that's weird.
258
00:11:17,928 --> 00:11:19,544
I'm scared, Ray.
259
00:11:19,546 --> 00:11:21,963
[whispers]: I'm scared
that I'm Christmas horny.
260
00:11:21,965 --> 00:11:24,049
Damn it, Nate!
261
00:11:24,051 --> 00:11:26,251
[speaking Chinese]:
262
00:11:35,645 --> 00:11:37,362
I know, I know, I know.
263
00:11:37,364 --> 00:11:38,763
Look, I need help, man.
264
00:11:38,765 --> 00:11:39,931
I am losing control!
265
00:11:39,933 --> 00:11:41,400
I mean, my mind is going places.
266
00:11:41,402 --> 00:11:43,235
I mean, maybe I'm more
than Christmas horny.
267
00:11:43,237 --> 00:11:46,438
Maybe this is a sign that Janice
and I need to get back together.
268
00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:48,707
So? There's a sign
right in front of me
269
00:11:48,709 --> 00:11:50,709
that says, "No talking
on cell phones"".
270
00:11:50,711 --> 00:11:53,161
Signs don't mean
a damn thing, Nate!
271
00:11:53,163 --> 00:11:56,048
JANICE: Nate, honey, you
need help down there?
272
00:11:56,050 --> 00:11:56,965
Is that Janice?
273
00:11:56,967 --> 00:11:58,467
Did she just call you "honey"?
274
00:11:58,469 --> 00:12:02,220
Well, you have definitely
got my vote, Congressman.
275
00:12:02,222 --> 00:12:03,972
[laughs]
276
00:12:03,974 --> 00:12:05,307
Stay strong, Nate!
277
00:12:06,459 --> 00:12:08,844
Oh, my God, don't leave me alone
up there like that.
278
00:12:08,846 --> 00:12:12,347
Your grandfather keeps asking me to
lay down so he can step over me.
279
00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:16,017
Listen, uh, thanks
again for doing this.
280
00:12:16,019 --> 00:12:18,320
Yeah, truth is, I didn't
really have much else going on.
281
00:12:18,322 --> 00:12:20,972
I was probably just gonna
drink a pint of vodka,
282
00:12:20,974 --> 00:12:25,243
then unwrap the gift I wrapped for
myself, which was just more vodka.
283
00:12:26,829 --> 00:12:27,829
So...
284
00:12:27,831 --> 00:12:29,981
Not a great time of year
to be single.
285
00:12:29,983 --> 00:12:32,451
No, no, it's not. It's not.
286
00:12:32,453 --> 00:12:34,035
Oh, by the way,
while we're on that subject,
287
00:12:34,037 --> 00:12:36,004
I just want to be clear
that I'm not sending you
288
00:12:36,006 --> 00:12:38,006
any mixed signals about
why I asked you to do this.
289
00:12:38,008 --> 00:12:38,990
What do you mean?
290
00:12:38,992 --> 00:12:43,128
Well, I just think it would be
dangerous for us to, you know...
291
00:12:43,130 --> 00:12:44,629
deck each other's halls.
292
00:12:47,183 --> 00:12:48,967
Jingle each other's
bells, you know?
293
00:12:50,303 --> 00:12:52,187
- Uh, trim each other's trees...
- I got it, I got it.
294
00:12:52,189 --> 00:12:53,805
- I got it after the first one.
- You got it.
295
00:12:53,807 --> 00:12:55,107
Yeah, you got it.
296
00:12:55,109 --> 00:12:56,108
Oh, Nathan, grow up.
297
00:12:56,110 --> 00:12:57,559
I do not want
to have sex with you.
298
00:12:57,561 --> 00:12:59,277
Is that why you were
so jumpy upstairs?
299
00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:01,229
Oh, come on, Janice,
you were all over me.
300
00:13:01,231 --> 00:13:03,448
Oh, my God,
you're so full of yourself.
301
00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:06,017
You asked me to come over and
pretend to be married to you.
302
00:13:06,019 --> 00:13:07,702
I mean, what am I
supposed to do?
303
00:13:07,704 --> 00:13:09,154
Well, what about
at work the other day?
304
00:13:09,156 --> 00:13:10,355
You squeezed my nipple,
305
00:13:10,357 --> 00:13:12,374
- and you know about my sweet spot.
- [laughs]
306
00:13:12,376 --> 00:13:13,525
Okay, fine.
307
00:13:13,527 --> 00:13:15,994
I... I did purposely
tweak your sweet spot.
308
00:13:15,996 --> 00:13:18,580
And maybe I thought
about having sex with you
309
00:13:18,582 --> 00:13:20,298
for, like, half a second.
310
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:22,367
But, you know, it's Christmas.
311
00:13:22,369 --> 00:13:23,552
I was lonely.
312
00:13:23,554 --> 00:13:25,086
Yeah, it crossed my mind, too.
313
00:13:25,088 --> 00:13:26,037
What is it with us?
314
00:13:26,039 --> 00:13:28,373
We either want to kill each other
or have sex with each other.
315
00:13:28,375 --> 00:13:29,474
There's got to be an in-between.
316
00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:31,092
Yeah, I think
it's called friendship.
317
00:13:31,094 --> 00:13:32,427
Friendship.
318
00:13:32,429 --> 00:13:34,546
What would we do,
text each other all the time
319
00:13:34,548 --> 00:13:36,398
and secretly wish
the other one gains weight?
320
00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:37,715
That's what me and Ray do.
321
00:13:37,717 --> 00:13:39,017
[laughs]
322
00:13:39,019 --> 00:13:41,269
Hey, you know what our first
friend activity could be?
323
00:13:41,271 --> 00:13:43,388
It's something we really enjoyed
when we were married.
324
00:13:43,390 --> 00:13:46,107
I doubt the Clinique counter's
open on Christmas.
325
00:13:46,109 --> 00:13:47,559
No, I meant...
326
00:13:47,561 --> 00:13:49,394
pretend we're a happily
married couple.
327
00:13:49,396 --> 00:13:50,445
Ah.
328
00:13:50,447 --> 00:13:54,166
All right, looks like Improv Camp
is finally gonna pay off.
329
00:13:54,168 --> 00:13:55,367
Oh.
330
00:13:59,038 --> 00:14:03,291
Bud, enough of the red
jellybeans on the windowsill.
331
00:14:03,293 --> 00:14:07,262
It's a gingerbread house,
not a ginger whorehouse.
332
00:14:07,264 --> 00:14:08,430
[phone ringing]
333
00:14:10,266 --> 00:14:11,600
Hello?
334
00:14:11,602 --> 00:14:13,101
RAY: Carol, we got a problem!
335
00:14:13,103 --> 00:14:14,186
What? Why are you...
336
00:14:14,188 --> 00:14:15,470
It's Ray!
Get to somewhere private!
337
00:14:15,472 --> 00:14:16,588
Okay, okay, okay, I'm going.
338
00:14:16,590 --> 00:14:18,206
It's an emergency!
Give me a sec.
339
00:14:19,075 --> 00:14:21,393
What's going on?
Why are you yelling?
340
00:14:21,395 --> 00:14:23,928
I'm yelling because
it's an emergency!
341
00:14:23,930 --> 00:14:28,200
Nate is Christmas horny, and he's
getting feelings for Janice!
342
00:14:28,202 --> 00:14:29,317
No, he's not.
343
00:14:29,319 --> 00:14:31,486
He's been squirming
away from her all day.
344
00:14:31,488 --> 00:14:32,770
Why are you saying this?
345
00:14:32,772 --> 00:14:35,290
He called me ten minutes ago and
told me that he was worried
346
00:14:35,292 --> 00:14:36,774
he couldn't keep
his hands off her.
347
00:14:36,776 --> 00:14:38,126
It doesn't look like that to me.
348
00:14:38,128 --> 00:14:39,377
Well, go look again.
349
00:14:44,133 --> 00:14:45,617
Wow, you're right. [Giggles]
350
00:14:45,619 --> 00:14:47,452
These chairs are slippery.
351
00:14:48,571 --> 00:14:49,671
Oh, my God!
352
00:14:49,673 --> 00:14:51,840
Those chairs aren't
slippery at all!
353
00:14:51,842 --> 00:14:53,258
You're right, Ray.
354
00:14:53,260 --> 00:14:55,460
All morning, he was
running away from her.
355
00:14:55,462 --> 00:14:56,978
Now he's cuddling up.
356
00:14:56,980 --> 00:14:57,979
He's fallen for her.
357
00:14:57,981 --> 00:14:58,980
And not just for a hookup.
358
00:14:58,982 --> 00:15:01,433
He told me that he was thinking about
getting back together with her.
359
00:15:01,435 --> 00:15:03,568
Oh, my God, what have I done?
360
00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:05,020
What indeed, Carol?
361
00:15:05,022 --> 00:15:06,271
What indeed?!
362
00:15:06,273 --> 00:15:08,156
Hey, Lao Zing!
363
00:15:08,158 --> 00:15:11,443
Can a brother get
another eggnog over here?
364
00:15:11,445 --> 00:15:14,529
Everybody get eggnog but me?
365
00:15:14,531 --> 00:15:19,434
So, listen, last week when I was
giving myself an examination,
366
00:15:19,436 --> 00:15:20,702
I found a lump.
367
00:15:20,704 --> 00:15:23,622
But it turns out
it was a butterscotch
368
00:15:23,624 --> 00:15:26,491
I had spit out in
the middle of the night.
369
00:15:26,493 --> 00:15:29,928
But it made me realize
that I had to start thinking
370
00:15:29,930 --> 00:15:31,846
about who is inheriting what.
371
00:15:31,848 --> 00:15:34,699
Lake house, lake house,
lake house.
372
00:15:34,701 --> 00:15:40,272
Nathan, I'm thinking that Janice
should have my mother's ruby ring.
373
00:15:40,274 --> 00:15:42,440
Hey, I have fingers.
374
00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:45,193
And so does Adam, sweetheart.
375
00:15:45,195 --> 00:15:49,297
And his could be sticky fingers
if his smack habit comes back.
376
00:15:50,650 --> 00:15:52,233
No offense!
377
00:15:52,235 --> 00:15:55,487
Hey... I'm a junkie.
378
00:15:55,489 --> 00:15:58,523
Nathan, make sure this fits her.
379
00:15:58,525 --> 00:16:00,141
Oh. Ooh.
380
00:16:00,143 --> 00:16:02,460
Put it on right, Nate.
381
00:16:02,462 --> 00:16:05,547
I'll talk to Nathan about it
as soon as my mother leaves.
382
00:16:05,549 --> 00:16:06,864
No time, Carol!
383
00:16:06,866 --> 00:16:09,701
Cuddling leads to hooking up,
which leads to dating.
384
00:16:09,703 --> 00:16:12,304
Next thing you know, they're
remarried, using pet names again.
385
00:16:12,306 --> 00:16:15,507
And I will not suffer through another
meal with Popcorn and Monkey!
386
00:16:19,395 --> 00:16:26,551
Janice Miller, make me the happiest
man on earth and be my... No...!
387
00:16:29,438 --> 00:16:30,989
I got it.
388
00:16:30,991 --> 00:16:32,157
What on earth?
389
00:16:32,159 --> 00:16:34,859
Mom, what... [sighs]
390
00:16:34,861 --> 00:16:36,578
Nathan, you're happily divorced.
391
00:16:36,580 --> 00:16:39,164
Don't ask her
to marry you again.
392
00:16:39,166 --> 00:16:40,215
Mom, I was just...
393
00:16:40,217 --> 00:16:41,950
I know, Christmas horny!
394
00:16:43,703 --> 00:16:47,205
It's my fault for asking you to
lie about both of our divorces.
395
00:16:47,207 --> 00:16:49,290
Both of your divorces?
396
00:16:49,292 --> 00:16:51,909
Mom, we were just acting.
397
00:16:51,911 --> 00:16:54,245
Janice and I aren't
getting remarried.
398
00:16:54,247 --> 00:16:57,048
Oh.
399
00:16:57,050 --> 00:16:58,266
Okay.
400
00:16:58,268 --> 00:16:59,934
Me, too.
401
00:16:59,936 --> 00:17:01,603
Just acting. [Laughs]
402
00:17:01,605 --> 00:17:03,972
Who's ready to go caroling?
403
00:17:03,974 --> 00:17:05,190
You're divorced?
404
00:17:05,192 --> 00:17:07,091
You've been lying to me?
405
00:17:08,477 --> 00:17:11,029
Yes, Mother, I am.
406
00:17:11,031 --> 00:17:13,481
I'm divorced.
407
00:17:13,483 --> 00:17:15,433
And I know you
have your beliefs, and...
408
00:17:15,435 --> 00:17:19,537
and I'm sorry to let you down, but
it was the right thing for me.
409
00:17:19,539 --> 00:17:22,207
Because while I-I agree with you
410
00:17:22,209 --> 00:17:25,293
it takes strength
to stay in a good marriage,
411
00:17:25,295 --> 00:17:28,646
it also takes strength
to get out of a bad one.
412
00:17:30,349 --> 00:17:32,217
I learned that from my son.
413
00:17:32,219 --> 00:17:34,386
And I'm proud of both of us.
414
00:17:35,588 --> 00:17:37,138
And for the record,
our marriage is great.
415
00:17:37,140 --> 00:17:39,307
Yeah, and I have never
used drugs in my life.
416
00:17:39,309 --> 00:17:41,292
And your business isn't failing?
417
00:17:41,294 --> 00:17:42,293
[exhales]
418
00:17:42,295 --> 00:17:43,595
Our marriage is great.
419
00:17:45,765 --> 00:17:47,048
Can't believe this.
420
00:17:47,050 --> 00:17:48,466
Where are my car keys?
421
00:17:48,468 --> 00:17:50,301
Well, we're not
leaving yet, Bud.
422
00:17:50,303 --> 00:17:53,271
These people are gonna get
a piece of my mind.
423
00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:56,441
Oh, you're not coming with me.
424
00:17:57,810 --> 00:17:59,744
Excuse me?
425
00:17:59,746 --> 00:18:02,497
62 years of marriage, Blanche!
426
00:18:02,499 --> 00:18:06,150
62 years of
blah-blah-blabitty-blah.
427
00:18:06,152 --> 00:18:08,152
Well, I've had enough, Blanche.
Enough!
428
00:18:08,154 --> 00:18:10,688
Deja vu.
429
00:18:10,690 --> 00:18:12,290
You can't do this, Dad.
430
00:18:12,292 --> 00:18:14,225
You've been married
for 62 years!
431
00:18:14,227 --> 00:18:17,712
Make that 61 years,
11 months and 26 days.
432
00:18:17,714 --> 00:18:21,099
Since we haven't had sex
since Tuesday.
433
00:18:22,334 --> 00:18:24,469
Well, that's not true.
434
00:18:24,471 --> 00:18:28,973
I did some stuff to you with
my hand on the drive here.
435
00:18:28,975 --> 00:18:31,226
Oh, my God.
436
00:18:34,363 --> 00:18:39,117
I spilled soup in my lap,
you wiped it off with a napkin!
437
00:18:39,119 --> 00:18:42,504
Vigorously, for 16 miles.
438
00:18:42,506 --> 00:18:44,989
That counts!
439
00:18:44,991 --> 00:18:47,191
I think I'm gonna pass out.
440
00:18:47,193 --> 00:18:49,744
I'm sorry, Blanche.
441
00:18:49,746 --> 00:18:52,330
These new knees were
made for walking.
442
00:18:53,365 --> 00:18:55,633
Hey, you know what
else we were good at?
443
00:18:55,635 --> 00:18:57,335
Drinking through
awkward situations.
444
00:18:57,337 --> 00:18:59,187
Yeah, I'll race you
to the kitchen.
445
00:18:59,189 --> 00:19:03,808
Blanche, I know it's been
a bad day for all of us,
446
00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:05,844
but we have a lot of
good ones ahead.
447
00:19:05,846 --> 00:19:09,397
Uh, fortunately, there's a lake
house, which we both have access to.
448
00:19:09,399 --> 00:19:13,184
Oh, you're never getting to
that lake house. Damn it!
449
00:19:13,186 --> 00:19:15,987
This was the worst
Christmas ever.
450
00:19:15,989 --> 00:19:18,940
Well, I hope you're happy.
451
00:19:18,942 --> 00:19:20,057
You know what, Mom?
452
00:19:20,059 --> 00:19:21,693
I am.
453
00:19:21,695 --> 00:19:23,411
I am happy.
454
00:19:23,413 --> 00:19:25,697
And maybe when all of
the gingerbread dust settles,
455
00:19:25,699 --> 00:19:28,416
you'll realize that
you're happier, too.
456
00:19:28,418 --> 00:19:32,337
I dedicated my whole life
to taking care of that dope.
457
00:19:32,339 --> 00:19:35,590
He couldn't always jump
over puddles, you know.
458
00:19:35,592 --> 00:19:37,876
I mean, all that effort,
for what?
459
00:19:37,878 --> 00:19:40,962
To be abandoned
on my last Christmas?
460
00:19:40,964 --> 00:19:43,414
Oh, cut
the "last Christmas" crap.
461
00:19:43,416 --> 00:19:45,016
You're gonna outlast us all.
462
00:19:45,018 --> 00:19:47,969
Great, I'll live forever,
but I'll be alone.
463
00:19:51,223 --> 00:19:53,308
Hi.
464
00:19:53,310 --> 00:19:54,759
[clears throat]
Quick question here.
465
00:19:54,761 --> 00:19:56,694
While ago, I went
out to the car.
466
00:19:56,696 --> 00:20:00,097
I got out there, I couldn't
remember what I went out there for.
467
00:20:00,099 --> 00:20:02,433
Does... anyone know?
468
00:20:02,435 --> 00:20:05,703
Dad, you went
out there because...
469
00:20:08,958 --> 00:20:12,160
You went out there
to look for your scarf.
470
00:20:12,162 --> 00:20:14,996
Well, that makes sense.
471
00:20:14,998 --> 00:20:17,048
Guess I found it.
472
00:20:17,050 --> 00:20:20,301
All right, when we gonna serve
this Thanksgiving turkey?
473
00:20:24,957 --> 00:20:27,559
Thank you.
474
00:20:27,561 --> 00:20:30,361
He's not much, but he's mine.
475
00:20:31,163 --> 00:20:33,097
[choked up]: Merry Christmas.
476
00:20:42,205 --> 00:20:44,907
477
00:20:44,909 --> 00:20:46,475
Hey, thanks, Grandpa.
478
00:20:46,477 --> 00:20:49,495
A couple of bars of used soap?
479
00:20:49,497 --> 00:20:51,614
No, I... I regifted.
480
00:20:51,616 --> 00:20:53,232
Those are my old knees.
481
00:20:55,702 --> 00:20:57,286
Okay, guys.
Everybody get together.
482
00:20:57,288 --> 00:21:00,072
Mikayla's gonna
take our picture.
483
00:21:01,291 --> 00:21:03,408
Aren't we all having fun?
484
00:21:03,410 --> 00:21:04,627
This is the best Easter ever.
485
00:21:04,652 --> 00:21:11,652
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486
00:21:11,702 --> 00:21:16,252
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