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1
00:00:05,476 --> 00:00:06,676
Ooh!
2
00:00:06,678 --> 00:00:08,261
Hot apple tarts.
3
00:00:08,263 --> 00:00:10,346
Well, almost hot.
The microwave's acting up again.
4
00:00:10,348 --> 00:00:13,316
Yeah, just chip through the icy crust
until you get to the hot apple center.
5
00:00:13,318 --> 00:00:14,567
But be careful
because we lost two forks
6
00:00:14,569 --> 00:00:17,187
this morning on frozen
breakfast burritos.
7
00:00:24,779 --> 00:00:27,247
Why don't you just let me
buy you a new microwave?
8
00:00:27,249 --> 00:00:30,366
Because I can't keep relying on
you every time something breaks.
9
00:00:30,368 --> 00:00:31,751
You already bought us
a new dishwasher,
10
00:00:31,753 --> 00:00:33,620
a coffee maker,
then there was the vacuum.
11
00:00:33,622 --> 00:00:35,188
Well, that one
actually didn't break.
12
00:00:35,190 --> 00:00:39,259
Goodwill came to the door,
and I, uh, panicked.
13
00:00:39,261 --> 00:00:43,263
When I gave your mother that microwave
for our anniversary, she was speechless.
14
00:00:43,265 --> 00:00:45,432
Best $79 I ever spent.
15
00:00:47,218 --> 00:00:49,969
I should've married Burt
Reynolds when I had the chance.
16
00:00:49,971 --> 00:00:51,805
You never had the chance.
17
00:00:51,807 --> 00:00:56,309
From the age of 18 to 42,
I could've had any man.
18
00:00:56,311 --> 00:00:59,229
Any man.
19
00:00:59,231 --> 00:01:02,932
I haven't had to do this much work for
this little reward since Homecoming.
20
00:01:08,939 --> 00:01:10,790
You know what?
I'm gonna buy you a microwave.
21
00:01:10,792 --> 00:01:11,941
That's it, I'm done.
22
00:01:11,943 --> 00:01:13,576
Also I'm done with this.
23
00:01:13,578 --> 00:01:14,494
I'll take it!
24
00:01:14,496 --> 00:01:15,578
Oh-ho, Mikayla, no.
25
00:01:15,580 --> 00:01:17,747
I said no sweets for a week.
26
00:01:17,749 --> 00:01:20,383
Mikayla was caught
twerking on the playground.
27
00:01:21,802 --> 00:01:23,303
Yeah, so she's being punished.
28
00:01:23,305 --> 00:01:25,755
That's how you discipline?
No sweets for a week?
29
00:01:25,757 --> 00:01:27,957
Your parents are the ones
who should be punished
30
00:01:27,959 --> 00:01:30,626
for robbing you
of a learning experience.
31
00:01:30,628 --> 00:01:33,730
Debbie, why didn't you give her
one of my apology reports?
32
00:01:33,732 --> 00:01:34,848
Because I'm punishing my child.
33
00:01:34,850 --> 00:01:37,016
I'm not torturing her.
34
00:01:37,018 --> 00:01:38,634
What's an apology report?
35
00:01:38,636 --> 00:01:40,803
Well, as a former teacher, I had
my kids give a presentation
36
00:01:40,805 --> 00:01:42,739
that stated what they did wrong
37
00:01:42,741 --> 00:01:46,409
and showed equal parts
imagination and sincere regret.
38
00:01:46,411 --> 00:01:49,979
Debbie always had trouble
with the sincere part.
39
00:01:49,981 --> 00:01:54,184
"Sorry that I used all your fancy soaps
to give my dolls a bubble bath.
40
00:01:54,186 --> 00:01:56,503
I'm also sorry that you're
too cheap to buy me new dolls."
41
00:01:56,505 --> 00:01:58,121
Try again.
42
00:01:58,123 --> 00:01:59,172
Lose the attitude.
43
00:01:59,174 --> 00:02:00,590
Again?!
44
00:02:00,592 --> 00:02:01,841
That's, like, ten times!
45
00:02:01,843 --> 00:02:04,043
[deep breath]
46
00:02:07,181 --> 00:02:10,149
"I'm sorry that I used
all your fancy soaps..."
47
00:02:10,151 --> 00:02:13,436
If you just put a little more
effort into them like Nathan did,
48
00:02:13,438 --> 00:02:14,854
they would've been a lot easier.
49
00:02:14,856 --> 00:02:16,022
A little effort?
50
00:02:16,024 --> 00:02:18,775
He spent the whole day in the
basement making an elaborate video.
51
00:02:18,777 --> 00:02:21,611
It was like he was trying to win
the Oscar for Best Suck-Up.
52
00:02:21,613 --> 00:02:23,563
That is not true.
53
00:02:23,565 --> 00:02:25,681
We didn't get awards.
54
00:02:25,683 --> 00:02:28,618
Although if we did,
I definitely would've won one.
55
00:02:28,620 --> 00:02:31,037
YOUNG NATHAN:
Yo, yo, yo, America!
56
00:02:31,039 --> 00:02:32,572
And my-Mom-i-ca.
57
00:02:32,574 --> 00:02:36,326
You're watching Nate TV.
58
00:02:36,328 --> 00:02:39,412
I didn't mean to scratch, scratch, scratch,
scratch, scratch, scratch your car.
59
00:02:39,414 --> 00:02:41,664
From, from, from, from,
from, from now on,
60
00:02:41,666 --> 00:02:44,033
I'll practice my golf swing
in the back, back, back, back,
61
00:02:44,035 --> 00:02:45,718
back, back, backyard.
62
00:02:45,720 --> 00:02:48,421
None of the records you care about
were hurt in the making of this video.
63
00:02:48,423 --> 00:02:51,174
[whoops]
64
00:02:51,176 --> 00:02:54,060
I'm-a go make my bed.
65
00:02:54,062 --> 00:02:57,897
No matter how much trouble Nathan was
in, I could never stay mad at him
66
00:02:57,899 --> 00:03:00,934
after one of his masterful
apology reports.
67
00:03:00,936 --> 00:03:03,486
He was like
a little Bill Clinton.
68
00:03:05,555 --> 00:03:07,240
You know, uh,
my dad used to be a cop,
69
00:03:07,242 --> 00:03:08,775
so anytime I would have a fight
with my sister,
70
00:03:08,777 --> 00:03:11,027
he would just handcuff us
together until we made up,
71
00:03:11,029 --> 00:03:13,580
which worked. Except now
my sister's into some...
72
00:03:13,582 --> 00:03:15,898
- pretty weird stuff.
- Well, we have
73
00:03:15,900 --> 00:03:19,235
our own parenting style, and I'm not
making Mikayla do an apology report.
74
00:03:19,237 --> 00:03:20,620
They were humiliating.
75
00:03:20,622 --> 00:03:21,921
That's what made them so funny.
76
00:03:21,923 --> 00:03:24,007
I used to tape 'em
and show the guys at work.
77
00:03:24,009 --> 00:03:26,259
Bet I still have the tapes
in the basement.
78
00:03:26,261 --> 00:03:28,711
Unless I recorded Matlock
over 'em.
79
00:03:28,713 --> 00:03:32,415
Either way,
we got a fun night ahead of us.
80
00:03:32,416 --> 00:04:00,259
Sync & corrections by no1
www.Addic7ed.Com
81
00:04:00,260 --> 00:04:03,529
And you scored a 14,
which makes you a...
82
00:04:03,531 --> 00:04:04,897
"Hot Tamale"!
83
00:04:04,899 --> 00:04:09,635
Oh! I don't need a magazine
to tell me that. [Laughs]
84
00:04:10,454 --> 00:04:12,204
Hey, Ray, what are
you doing here?
85
00:04:12,206 --> 00:04:14,173
It's not Downton Abbey night.
86
00:04:14,175 --> 00:04:16,659
Ray's gonna crash here
for a couple of nights.
87
00:04:16,661 --> 00:04:18,494
Yeah, I had a big girl
over at the house.
88
00:04:18,496 --> 00:04:19,628
It's gonna take a couple of days
89
00:04:19,630 --> 00:04:22,331
before my memory foam mattress
forgets about her.
90
00:04:23,750 --> 00:04:25,584
Nathan, the appliance
store called.
91
00:04:25,586 --> 00:04:29,388
They delivered Debbie's new microwave
today and charged your card.
92
00:04:29,390 --> 00:04:32,791
Oh, that's so nice you bought
your sister a new microwave.
93
00:04:32,793 --> 00:04:35,895
[chuckles] Your boy
is the whole package:
94
00:04:35,897 --> 00:04:41,517
Handsome, generous and real
gentle with a back-scratcher.
95
00:04:41,519 --> 00:04:43,936
He's the sweetest child
a mother could ask for.
96
00:04:43,938 --> 00:04:46,238
[whispers loudly]: That's the
reason he's my favorite.
97
00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:49,024
That's very nice of you, Mom,
but you shouldn't say that.
98
00:04:49,026 --> 00:04:52,111
- Parents don't have favorites.
- Oh, I'm sure some do.
99
00:04:52,113 --> 00:04:54,747
I heard Jeffrey Dahmer's brother
was a smooth jazz pianist.
100
00:04:54,749 --> 00:04:56,365
[chuckles]
101
00:04:56,367 --> 00:04:59,084
But even if he isn't,
I bet he never ate a foot.
102
00:04:59,086 --> 00:05:00,619
[laughs] You hear what I said?
103
00:05:00,621 --> 00:05:02,338
- I heard what you said!
- All right,
104
00:05:02,340 --> 00:05:04,323
look, Debbie is not
a serial killer.
105
00:05:04,325 --> 00:05:05,541
My mom's just being silly.
106
00:05:05,543 --> 00:05:06,876
She doesn't really
have a favorite.
107
00:05:06,878 --> 00:05:09,094
Sure, I do.
108
00:05:11,497 --> 00:05:13,332
You. [Chuckles]
109
00:05:13,334 --> 00:05:15,184
All right,
I think you've had enough.
110
00:05:15,186 --> 00:05:16,969
CAROL: Oh, come on!
111
00:05:16,971 --> 00:05:19,338
I'm just being honest.
112
00:05:19,340 --> 00:05:21,774
I didn't say
I didn't love your sister.
113
00:05:21,776 --> 00:05:24,026
I love you both the same.
114
00:05:27,731 --> 00:05:32,067
But when it comes to like, I think
I like you a teeny bit more.
115
00:05:32,069 --> 00:05:34,737
- Okay, Mom, stop it. Come on.
- Ooh, a teeny-weeny bit more.
116
00:05:34,739 --> 00:05:37,689
All right, all right, all right.
Look, yes, truth be told,
117
00:05:37,691 --> 00:05:40,159
I get why I'd be the favorite.
118
00:05:40,161 --> 00:05:42,194
Yeah, and, you know...
and I'm flattered.
119
00:05:42,196 --> 00:05:44,046
But you just... you can't say
stuff like that out loud.
120
00:05:44,047 --> 00:05:45,380
If Debbie heard, she'd be upset
121
00:05:45,382 --> 00:05:47,248
- and she would definitely overreact.
- Oh, please.
122
00:05:47,251 --> 00:05:49,635
She'll be fine.
She's got your dad.
123
00:05:49,637 --> 00:05:51,036
What do you mean she's got Dad?
124
00:05:51,038 --> 00:05:52,671
She's your father's favorite.
125
00:05:52,673 --> 00:05:55,140
[chuckles] Yeah, r... right.
126
00:05:55,142 --> 00:05:57,042
[chuckles]
127
00:05:57,044 --> 00:06:00,262
Wait, you're telling me
that Debbie is Dad's favorite?
128
00:06:00,264 --> 00:06:01,730
And you're my favorite.
129
00:06:01,732 --> 00:06:02,932
Yeah, clear on that.
130
00:06:02,934 --> 00:06:04,984
Let's get back
to the Dad and Debbie thing.
131
00:06:04,986 --> 00:06:07,019
Relax. I didn't say
he didn't love you.
132
00:06:07,021 --> 00:06:10,406
He just likes her
a teeny-weeny bit more.
133
00:06:10,408 --> 00:06:11,607
I can see that.
134
00:06:11,609 --> 00:06:13,576
Oh, really, Ray?
You can see that?
135
00:06:13,578 --> 00:06:15,394
Well, what possibly prompts you
to think
136
00:06:15,396 --> 00:06:18,948
that my dad could-could possiblypick Debbie over me?
137
00:06:18,950 --> 00:06:22,918
Well, for one thing, Debbie doesn't pop
her Ps and get spittle in my Zinfandel.
138
00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:25,170
[chuckles] I can't believe him.
139
00:06:25,172 --> 00:06:27,373
I'm his firstborn son!
140
00:06:27,375 --> 00:06:29,375
I mean, Debbie? Come on!
141
00:06:29,377 --> 00:06:32,544
Has he even met her?
It's no contest!
142
00:06:32,546 --> 00:06:34,513
Nathan, you're just being silly.
143
00:06:34,515 --> 00:06:36,882
Mmm. Don't give it
another thought!
144
00:06:36,884 --> 00:06:38,250
And don't be so greedy!
145
00:06:38,252 --> 00:06:39,885
You're your mom's favorite.
You're my favorite.
146
00:06:39,887 --> 00:06:42,805
How many people's favorites
do you need to be?!
147
00:06:42,807 --> 00:06:44,890
Everybody's!
148
00:06:44,892 --> 00:06:48,694
Did you watch last
week's Downton Abbey?
149
00:06:48,696 --> 00:06:51,814
Has Lord Grantham
lost his mind?!
150
00:06:51,816 --> 00:06:54,033
Right!
151
00:07:00,412 --> 00:07:02,096
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Nate.
152
00:07:02,098 --> 00:07:03,597
Thanks again for this microwave.
153
00:07:03,599 --> 00:07:05,850
It's awesome.
It's quiet, it cooks.
154
00:07:05,852 --> 00:07:07,985
It's like the perfect wife. Huh?
155
00:07:07,987 --> 00:07:09,103
Am I right, buddy? Am I...
156
00:07:09,105 --> 00:07:11,605
Uh... Never mind.
I'm not that guy.
157
00:07:14,810 --> 00:07:16,927
So, uh...
158
00:07:16,929 --> 00:07:19,730
I guess the-the microwave is
Adam's new favorite appliance.
159
00:07:19,732 --> 00:07:21,765
Would you agree with that?
Would you...
160
00:07:21,767 --> 00:07:24,318
would you say that Debbie's
microwave is your favorite?
161
00:07:24,320 --> 00:07:26,287
Oh, yeah, sure.
162
00:07:26,289 --> 00:07:30,708
Oh. So, uh... so you like Debbie's
microwave more than mine?
163
00:07:30,710 --> 00:07:33,427
Well, it's newer.
164
00:07:33,429 --> 00:07:36,780
Oh. So newer's always better
for you, huh?
165
00:07:36,782 --> 00:07:40,617
Even though you've known
my microwave longer?
166
00:07:40,619 --> 00:07:43,954
Nathan, did you double up
on your diet pills again?
167
00:07:43,956 --> 00:07:45,789
No, Dad.
168
00:07:45,791 --> 00:07:47,892
Mom told me that Debbie
is your favorite.
169
00:07:47,894 --> 00:07:49,960
Wait. Really?
Why-why would she say that?
170
00:07:49,962 --> 00:07:53,814
Let me guess. She was
drinking wine from a box.
171
00:07:53,816 --> 00:07:55,483
Yep.
172
00:07:55,485 --> 00:07:57,268
Always does it.
173
00:07:57,270 --> 00:08:00,237
With the bottle, she knows
to stop at the label.
174
00:08:00,239 --> 00:08:02,556
With the box, she can't see
how much she drank.
175
00:08:02,558 --> 00:08:03,974
She'll just... keep going
176
00:08:03,976 --> 00:08:07,444
until she starts making prank
calls to Chinese restaurants.
177
00:08:08,313 --> 00:08:10,314
So I-is it true?
178
00:08:10,316 --> 00:08:12,482
Is Debbie your favorite?
179
00:08:12,484 --> 00:08:14,318
DEBBIE: Dad, don't be rude.
180
00:08:14,320 --> 00:08:15,419
Nathan's asking you a question.
181
00:08:15,421 --> 00:08:17,004
Is Debbie your favorite?
182
00:08:17,006 --> 00:08:19,540
Please say that Debbie
is your favorite.
183
00:08:19,542 --> 00:08:22,259
I love you both the same.
184
00:08:22,261 --> 00:08:24,712
No, no, no, no, no.
That's not what I asked.
185
00:08:24,714 --> 00:08:25,679
- What's going on?
- DEBBIE: Mom told Nathan
186
00:08:25,681 --> 00:08:26,997
I was Dad's favorite.
187
00:08:26,999 --> 00:08:27,982
- Nice!
- I know, right?
188
00:08:27,984 --> 00:08:30,518
[grunting]
189
00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:32,502
Okay, just put your high five
back in your pocket.
190
00:08:32,504 --> 00:08:34,338
He hasn't answered quite yet.
191
00:08:34,340 --> 00:08:36,106
Sophie's Choice, Dad,
let's do it.
192
00:08:36,108 --> 00:08:37,775
Debbie and I are in a building,
193
00:08:37,777 --> 00:08:39,843
it's burning to the ground.
Who do you pull out?
194
00:08:39,845 --> 00:08:41,946
I don't know.
What floor are you on?
195
00:08:41,948 --> 00:08:44,565
Dad, it doesn't really...
Second floor.
196
00:08:44,567 --> 00:08:45,816
Whose building is it?
197
00:08:45,818 --> 00:08:47,535
It's mine! It's an investment.
198
00:08:47,537 --> 00:08:48,518
Stop stalling.
199
00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:50,037
Why yours?
It could be my building.
200
00:08:50,039 --> 00:08:51,322
What-what building
are you gonna buy?
201
00:08:51,324 --> 00:08:54,542
God, your credit score looks
like a speed limit.
202
00:08:54,544 --> 00:08:56,460
I had to co-sign
for you to get cable
203
00:08:56,462 --> 00:08:58,579
and they still turned you down
for Showtime.
204
00:08:58,581 --> 00:09:00,664
Maybe someone in Adam's family
died and left it to us.
205
00:09:00,666 --> 00:09:02,833
Yeah, probably my Uncle Nick.
He smokes in bed.
206
00:09:02,835 --> 00:09:04,585
Who cares? There's still
a chance to save one of us.
207
00:09:04,587 --> 00:09:05,553
Who is it? Who?
208
00:09:05,555 --> 00:09:07,221
Who? Just say it.
209
00:09:07,223 --> 00:09:07,972
I'd save Debbie.
210
00:09:07,974 --> 00:09:10,507
- Ah! Aw...
- Oh, my gosh,
211
00:09:10,509 --> 00:09:12,226
oh, my gosh,
oh, my gosh. Finally.
212
00:09:12,228 --> 00:09:14,178
Finally, I'm number one
at something in this family.
213
00:09:14,180 --> 00:09:15,679
Oh. Oh, I wish I had a tiara.
214
00:09:15,681 --> 00:09:16,997
Ooh. Ooh, ooh. You know what?
215
00:09:16,999 --> 00:09:18,566
I have one in the garage.
[chuckles]
216
00:09:18,568 --> 00:09:20,484
Who's a hoarder now?
217
00:09:22,219 --> 00:09:23,854
You're really loving this, huh?
218
00:09:23,856 --> 00:09:24,855
Well, guess what.
219
00:09:24,857 --> 00:09:26,690
I'm Mom's favorite.
220
00:09:29,727 --> 00:09:30,995
Why aren't you freaking out?
221
00:09:30,997 --> 00:09:32,729
The same reason I don't
freak out every morning
222
00:09:32,731 --> 00:09:34,949
when the sun comes up.
It's not a surprise.
223
00:09:34,951 --> 00:09:36,517
Dad, how could
you pick Debbie over me?
224
00:09:36,519 --> 00:09:39,587
She can't even appreciate the
majesty of a new day dawning.
225
00:09:39,589 --> 00:09:41,338
I don't know, Nathan.
226
00:09:41,340 --> 00:09:43,123
Maybe it's because you were
always hanging on to your mother
227
00:09:43,125 --> 00:09:45,042
so I spent more time
with Debbie.
228
00:09:45,044 --> 00:09:48,295
Plus, you anl did have that rough patch
after the loose change incident.
229
00:09:48,297 --> 00:09:49,630
I was eight.
230
00:09:49,632 --> 00:09:51,799
I took some change out
of your sock drawer.
231
00:09:51,801 --> 00:09:53,517
And then you lied about it.
232
00:09:53,519 --> 00:09:56,437
Sure, Debbie got in trouble
sometimes, but she never lied to me.
233
00:09:56,439 --> 00:09:58,055
Yeah, because if you
don't have your word,
234
00:09:58,057 --> 00:10:01,191
what do you have,
Nate? Right, Pops?
235
00:10:02,644 --> 00:10:04,261
She never lied, huh?
Well, how 'bout in high school
236
00:10:04,263 --> 00:10:07,481
when she said that she broke your bed
practicing a gymnastics routine?
237
00:10:07,483 --> 00:10:09,450
Well, the guy she broke your bed
with was named Jim,
238
00:10:09,452 --> 00:10:12,069
so there were
some Jim-nastics involved.
239
00:10:12,071 --> 00:10:13,603
Nathan!
240
00:10:13,605 --> 00:10:19,460
Debbie, is Nathan's pun true?
241
00:10:19,462 --> 00:10:20,995
Uh, Dad, I can explain.
242
00:10:20,997 --> 00:10:23,080
Oh... I-I was young, you know?
243
00:10:23,082 --> 00:10:25,749
And I'd just been introduced
to peach schnapps and tube tops!
244
00:10:25,751 --> 00:10:27,635
Debbie, we had a deal.
245
00:10:27,637 --> 00:10:29,336
You would always be honest
with me
246
00:10:29,338 --> 00:10:31,422
and I would never embarrass you
in front of your friends
247
00:10:31,424 --> 00:10:33,240
with my underwater voice.
248
00:10:33,242 --> 00:10:38,178
[gurgling]:
Well, all bets are off.
249
00:10:41,516 --> 00:10:44,134
What the hell is wrong with you?
250
00:10:44,136 --> 00:10:45,635
Look, I'm sorry,
okay? It just...
251
00:10:45,637 --> 00:10:48,305
I was upset, and I shouldn't
have said it. I... but...
252
00:10:48,307 --> 00:10:49,773
Come on, you're a grown-up.
253
00:10:49,775 --> 00:10:51,308
What's he gonna do, ground you?
254
00:10:51,310 --> 00:10:53,444
No, but I still have to live
under the same roof as him.
255
00:10:53,446 --> 00:10:54,995
You know, I have
to see him every day.
256
00:10:54,997 --> 00:10:57,531
How would you like it if...?
257
00:11:01,036 --> 00:11:03,037
What are you smiling at?
258
00:11:03,039 --> 00:11:05,622
Come on, Debbie. Don't do this.
259
00:11:05,624 --> 00:11:06,790
Where's my mother?
260
00:11:06,792 --> 00:11:07,925
She's upstairs in her room.
261
00:11:07,927 --> 00:11:10,928
She's been there since your dad called
and told her you broke their bed.
262
00:11:10,930 --> 00:11:15,182
I haven't seen anybody that mad since
I heckled Kramer in that comedy club.
263
00:11:16,718 --> 00:11:18,352
I can't believe
you would desecrate yourself
264
00:11:18,354 --> 00:11:19,970
and your great-grandmother's
bed while we were...
265
00:11:19,973 --> 00:11:21,672
Save it. In about 20 seconds,
266
00:11:21,673 --> 00:11:23,557
you're gonna forget
all about your stupid bed.
267
00:11:23,559 --> 00:11:25,059
I love you, Mommy.
268
00:11:32,716 --> 00:11:34,617
She could be telling
her anything.
269
00:11:34,619 --> 00:11:36,619
I keep so many secrets
from my mom.
270
00:11:36,621 --> 00:11:40,422
I can't believe that my last meal is
gonna be egg whites and turkey bacon.
271
00:11:43,793 --> 00:11:45,127
Have fun with Mommy.
272
00:11:48,465 --> 00:11:50,049
Don't worry.
I'm here for you, buddy.
273
00:11:50,051 --> 00:11:52,935
She's not gonna yell at you
if you got a friend over.
274
00:11:56,439 --> 00:11:57,640
Good luck.
275
00:11:59,526 --> 00:12:01,544
I know what you did.
276
00:12:01,546 --> 00:12:03,512
Yeah, I know what I did, too.
277
00:12:03,514 --> 00:12:06,115
I... did it and-and I'm sorry.
278
00:12:06,117 --> 00:12:08,984
- Sorry about what?
- The thing I did.
279
00:12:08,986 --> 00:12:10,986
Come on, we've already
gone through this.
280
00:12:10,988 --> 00:12:13,906
Could I...? Just,
look, let's move on.
281
00:12:13,908 --> 00:12:16,024
I want to hear you say it.
282
00:12:16,026 --> 00:12:18,026
Fine.
283
00:12:18,028 --> 00:12:20,212
I smoked pot once. Twice.
284
00:12:20,214 --> 00:12:21,580
A handful of times.
285
00:12:21,582 --> 00:12:25,834
I just wanted to understand the
drug before I crusaded against it.
286
00:12:25,836 --> 00:12:27,152
Not it.
287
00:12:27,154 --> 00:12:29,805
Okay, the exchange student
that we hosted for a semester
288
00:12:29,807 --> 00:12:32,374
was just my friend Billy
doing a funny voice.
289
00:12:33,343 --> 00:12:34,727
Not it.
290
00:12:34,729 --> 00:12:37,763
Okay, okay. When I was 20, I got
a tattoo, but it was just...
291
00:12:37,765 --> 00:12:39,265
I didn't tell you because I-I...
292
00:12:39,267 --> 00:12:40,716
I know your wedding was fake!
293
00:12:40,718 --> 00:12:43,402
Debbie told me that you and
Janice got married in Vegas
294
00:12:43,404 --> 00:12:45,988
three months before you had
your wedding in my church.
295
00:12:45,990 --> 00:12:47,907
Want to go back to my tattoo?
296
00:12:47,909 --> 00:12:49,275
It's really stupid.
297
00:12:49,277 --> 00:12:51,277
It's just my... it's my
Donkey Kong high score,
298
00:12:51,279 --> 00:12:53,112
and I beat it, like,
two days later.
299
00:12:53,114 --> 00:12:54,997
How could you?
300
00:12:54,999 --> 00:12:57,065
You lied to me.
301
00:12:57,067 --> 00:13:00,119
The plan was to elope and ditch
the big wedding altogether,
302
00:13:00,121 --> 00:13:03,505
and I couldn't do that to you,
so, maybe you want to thank me?
303
00:13:03,507 --> 00:13:05,591
Oh, yeah, Nathan, thank you.
304
00:13:05,593 --> 00:13:07,726
Thank you for robbing me
of the opportunity
305
00:13:07,728 --> 00:13:09,962
to see my only son
actually get married.
306
00:13:09,964 --> 00:13:12,298
Thank you for lying
to me about it.
307
00:13:12,300 --> 00:13:15,117
And thank you
for making me feel like a fool.
308
00:13:15,119 --> 00:13:17,036
You've broken my heart, Nathan.
309
00:13:17,038 --> 00:13:18,971
But don't worry about it.
310
00:13:18,973 --> 00:13:22,041
Just pretend it never happened.
311
00:13:22,043 --> 00:13:23,559
You're good at that.
312
00:13:28,114 --> 00:13:30,532
I'm still your favorite,
though, right?
313
00:13:37,824 --> 00:13:39,491
I do.
314
00:13:39,493 --> 00:13:43,696
As my wife, you are the second
most important woman in my life.
315
00:13:48,134 --> 00:13:50,469
How'd that look
before her head fell off?
316
00:13:50,471 --> 00:13:52,254
RAY: Pretty good.
317
00:13:52,256 --> 00:13:54,289
Check it out.
318
00:13:54,291 --> 00:13:55,557
[sighs]
319
00:13:55,559 --> 00:13:57,559
This is gonna be my best
apology report yet.
320
00:13:57,561 --> 00:13:59,061
It totally looks
like we're in a chapel.
321
00:13:59,063 --> 00:14:00,646
Yeah, then
we're going to head over
322
00:14:00,648 --> 00:14:02,514
to the poolside reception where,
using some footage
323
00:14:02,516 --> 00:14:05,985
from one of your old home movies,
I gave your mom her dream date.
324
00:14:05,987 --> 00:14:07,853
A Mr. Burt Reynolds.
325
00:14:07,855 --> 00:14:09,638
[laughter]
326
00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:11,573
There's no way she can stay mad
at me after this.
327
00:14:11,575 --> 00:14:13,809
Hey.
328
00:14:13,811 --> 00:14:14,994
What are you doing
in my basement?
329
00:14:14,996 --> 00:14:18,163
Making my apology report for Mom,
thanks to you and your big mouth.
330
00:14:18,165 --> 00:14:19,331
All right, now, let's, uh...
331
00:14:19,333 --> 00:14:21,166
let's get started
on my Dad's video.
332
00:14:21,168 --> 00:14:23,652
- Oh.
- Wait a second.
333
00:14:23,654 --> 00:14:25,120
Why are you making a video
for Dad?
334
00:14:25,122 --> 00:14:26,205
He's mad at me, not you.
335
00:14:26,207 --> 00:14:29,157
Well, he still seems upset about
the whole loose change incident.
336
00:14:29,159 --> 00:14:31,627
Oh, my God.
You are such a weasel.
337
00:14:31,629 --> 00:14:35,130
You're gonna use this whole situation
and try to become Dad's favorite.
338
00:14:35,132 --> 00:14:36,498
That's not what
I'm doing at all.
339
00:14:36,500 --> 00:14:37,683
Oh, please.
340
00:14:37,685 --> 00:14:39,334
Why do you always have
to outshine me?
341
00:14:39,336 --> 00:14:42,388
The whole reason we're in this mess is
because you couldn't stand the fact
342
00:14:42,390 --> 00:14:44,023
you weren't everybody's favorite
in the first place.
343
00:14:44,025 --> 00:14:45,474
All I'm doing is apologizing.
344
00:14:45,476 --> 00:14:46,642
Feel free to do the same thing.
345
00:14:46,644 --> 00:14:48,510
Oh, really, Mr. Big Shot?
Really?
346
00:14:48,512 --> 00:14:50,112
Because the last time I checked,
347
00:14:50,114 --> 00:14:54,116
I don't have a fancy camera, or fancy
special effects, or a fancy cameraman.
348
00:14:54,118 --> 00:14:55,284
No offense Ray.
349
00:14:55,286 --> 00:14:56,485
You didn't say
anything insulting.
350
00:14:56,487 --> 00:14:57,686
I am fancy.
351
00:14:57,688 --> 00:14:58,854
"Mr. Big Shot"?
352
00:14:58,856 --> 00:14:59,955
Where is that coming from?
353
00:14:59,957 --> 00:15:01,373
Your coffee mug does say it.
354
00:15:01,375 --> 00:15:03,375
I'm not drinking out
of it right now, Ray!
355
00:15:03,377 --> 00:15:06,245
I'm surprised you don't put it on a
chain and wear it around your neck.
356
00:15:06,247 --> 00:15:08,029
Well, that is ridiculous.
357
00:15:08,031 --> 00:15:10,049
Coffee would go everywhere!
358
00:15:10,051 --> 00:15:13,702
Can you believe her...
talking to me like that?
359
00:15:15,305 --> 00:15:17,389
What the hell are you doing?
360
00:15:17,391 --> 00:15:19,141
I'm giving back
your stupid microwave.
361
00:15:19,143 --> 00:15:22,895
You only bought it for me to look
good in front of Mom and Dad anyway.
362
00:15:22,897 --> 00:15:24,830
That thing was brand new.
363
00:15:24,832 --> 00:15:26,899
You can't just be
throwing around appliances!
364
00:15:27,767 --> 00:15:30,169
And there's your toaster.
365
00:15:30,171 --> 00:15:32,821
Because I don't need Dad to be reminded
you're more successful than me
366
00:15:32,823 --> 00:15:35,741
every time he feels like
heating up his underwear.
367
00:15:35,743 --> 00:15:37,726
Debbie, you're acting crazy!
368
00:15:37,728 --> 00:15:39,995
[loud scraping
and rattling on floor above]
369
00:15:42,064 --> 00:15:44,867
Did you buy your sister
a dishwasher?
370
00:15:44,869 --> 00:15:45,951
Yeah, a really nice one.
371
00:15:45,953 --> 00:15:47,920
I would get the hell
out of the way.
372
00:15:47,922 --> 00:15:49,404
Get out the way!
373
00:15:56,078 --> 00:15:59,298
Ugh! Can't believe I have to be
here for Nathan's stupid video.
374
00:15:59,300 --> 00:16:00,883
I'm very happy to be here.
375
00:16:00,885 --> 00:16:03,435
Something tells me
after I see this apology report,
376
00:16:03,437 --> 00:16:06,105
I'm going to be back
in the hug business.
377
00:16:07,774 --> 00:16:10,142
This is gonna be
my best one yet.
378
00:16:10,144 --> 00:16:15,114
Mom, Dad, Debbie, I give you
The Millers News.
379
00:16:15,116 --> 00:16:17,583
We're here in Las Vegas,
city of sin,
380
00:16:17,585 --> 00:16:20,719
and home to the biggest sin
in Miller family history...
381
00:16:20,721 --> 00:16:23,789
my secret
Godless drive-thru elopement.
382
00:16:23,791 --> 00:16:25,157
It all started when...
383
00:16:25,159 --> 00:16:26,558
RAY: Beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep, beep, beep...
384
00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:27,960
as a boy, growing up...
385
00:16:27,962 --> 00:16:29,912
Beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep, beepady, beep,
386
00:16:29,914 --> 00:16:31,947
beepady, beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beepady, beep,
387
00:16:31,949 --> 00:16:33,715
beepady, beep, beep, beepady,
beep, beep, beep, beep,
388
00:16:33,717 --> 00:16:36,284
beepady, beep, beep, beepady,
beep, beep, beep, beep,
389
00:16:36,286 --> 00:16:39,421
beepady, beep, beep, beepady,
beep, beep, beep, beep...
390
00:16:41,558 --> 00:16:43,342
Some breaking news.
391
00:16:43,344 --> 00:16:46,094
Earlier today, a man was almost
hit with a flying microwave
392
00:16:46,096 --> 00:16:49,915
and a flying toaster and
a flying dishwasher.
393
00:16:49,917 --> 00:16:52,601
And it turns out,
he deserved it.
394
00:16:52,603 --> 00:16:54,302
What happened to Vegas?
395
00:16:54,304 --> 00:16:57,406
NATHAN: So this afternoon, I
sat down with that handsome,
396
00:16:57,408 --> 00:16:59,741
but flawed man
to get to the bottom of...
397
00:16:59,743 --> 00:17:02,611
why he always needed
to outshine his sister.
398
00:17:02,613 --> 00:17:05,447
Nathan, first,
thank you for being here.
399
00:17:05,449 --> 00:17:07,115
Thank you for having me, Nathan.
400
00:17:07,117 --> 00:17:10,052
Oh, thank you...
for thanking me.
401
00:17:10,054 --> 00:17:14,339
All pleasantries aside, your sister
said some hurtful things, yes?
402
00:17:14,341 --> 00:17:15,624
Yes, she did.
403
00:17:15,626 --> 00:17:17,376
At first,
I thought she was crazy,
404
00:17:17,378 --> 00:17:19,828
but then, I started to wonder,
was she was right?
405
00:17:19,830 --> 00:17:22,297
And if so,
why was I acting that way?
406
00:17:22,299 --> 00:17:24,016
I'll ask the questions here.
407
00:17:24,018 --> 00:17:25,551
Was she right?
408
00:17:25,553 --> 00:17:27,769
And if so,
why were you acting that way?
409
00:17:27,771 --> 00:17:29,638
I'm not sure.
410
00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:35,027
But thl was editing some old home movies,
and things started to make sense.
411
00:17:35,029 --> 00:17:38,280
You see, in the beginning,there was just me,
412
00:17:38,282 --> 00:17:40,949
the undisputed number one child.
413
00:17:40,951 --> 00:17:44,319
I was the centerof the Miller universe.
414
00:17:44,321 --> 00:17:46,855
But then, one day,a bright new star appeared...
415
00:17:46,857 --> 00:17:48,690
Baby Debbie.
416
00:17:48,692 --> 00:17:50,993
Isn't she lovely?
417
00:17:50,995 --> 00:17:54,046
And Debbie, you were adorable.
418
00:17:54,048 --> 00:17:57,198
Perhaps too adorable.
419
00:17:57,200 --> 00:17:59,384
Because before I could realizewhat was happening,
420
00:17:59,386 --> 00:18:02,037
I went from number oneto number two.
421
00:18:02,039 --> 00:18:05,140
TOM: Nathan, stop
breathing on the baby.
422
00:18:05,142 --> 00:18:07,709
I knew that if I wanted Momand Dad's attention,
423
00:18:07,711 --> 00:18:09,177
I had to work harder.
424
00:18:09,179 --> 00:18:10,762
Breaking news! Breaking news!
425
00:18:10,764 --> 00:18:13,432
This is Nathan Miller
reporting live from the scene
426
00:18:13,434 --> 00:18:15,317
of Debbie Miller's first steps.
427
00:18:15,319 --> 00:18:16,885
Oh, how clever.
428
00:18:16,887 --> 00:18:19,021
Tom, are you getting Nathan?
429
00:18:19,023 --> 00:18:23,859
Asked to comment on her first steps, the
youngest Miller said, "Gaga googoo."
430
00:18:23,861 --> 00:18:26,328
And that's when I knewI was onto something.
431
00:18:26,330 --> 00:18:29,414
And from there, I ran with it.
432
00:18:29,415 --> 00:18:34,903
Isn't she lovely?
433
00:18:34,905 --> 00:18:46,515
Life and love are the same
Life
is Ais
The meaning of her name...
434
00:18:46,517 --> 00:18:50,686
I wasn't just outshining men's shoes.
435
00:18:50,688 --> 00:18:53,805
I was outshining my sister.
436
00:18:53,807 --> 00:18:56,391
Debbie, what can I say?
437
00:18:56,393 --> 00:18:59,144
I've been an ass, and I'm sorry.
438
00:18:59,146 --> 00:19:01,129
Please forgive me.
439
00:19:01,131 --> 00:19:03,165
Well, that seems very sincere.
440
00:19:03,167 --> 00:19:07,402
Debbie, whoever you are, your
brother seems very sorry,
441
00:19:07,404 --> 00:19:09,404
and I think
you should forgive him.
442
00:19:09,406 --> 00:19:13,125
This is Nathan Miller
sitting in your basement.
443
00:19:13,127 --> 00:19:15,944
You made me an apology report.
444
00:19:15,946 --> 00:19:18,279
Well, I owed you one.
445
00:19:18,281 --> 00:19:20,632
And the whole reason
you have to be number one
446
00:19:20,634 --> 00:19:22,634
is because
you're insecure about me?
447
00:19:22,636 --> 00:19:24,119
Well, how can I not be?
448
00:19:24,121 --> 00:19:26,672
You're... you're sweet, you're cute,
you've got those big, adorable eyes.
449
00:19:26,674 --> 00:19:29,641
You're like a puppy
made out of kittens.
450
00:19:29,643 --> 00:19:31,292
[laughs quietly]
451
00:19:31,294 --> 00:19:33,895
Got to work pretty hard
compete with that.
452
00:19:33,897 --> 00:19:37,566
Well, you've put up
a pretty good fight.
453
00:19:38,768 --> 00:19:41,737
Listen, I bet the appliance
store downtown is still open.
454
00:19:41,739 --> 00:19:44,239
What do you say we go
replace a few items?
455
00:19:44,241 --> 00:19:45,524
My treat.
456
00:19:45,526 --> 00:19:47,659
Okay, but, um, I'm only
letting you do this
457
00:19:47,661 --> 00:19:50,278
to build your
self-esteem, Mr. Big Shot.
458
00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:51,580
Wait a second. I'm confused.
459
00:19:51,582 --> 00:19:54,032
I thought your mother
and I were here for an apology.
460
00:19:54,034 --> 00:19:55,951
Yeah, where's my apology report?
461
00:19:55,953 --> 00:19:59,487
No puppet show, no tap dance,
not even a lousy poem?
462
00:19:59,489 --> 00:20:01,990
For God sake, a haiku's
only 17 syllables,
463
00:20:01,992 --> 00:20:05,127
and it doesn't even need
to make sense.
464
00:20:05,129 --> 00:20:07,846
You know, Mom, after 42 years,
I finally realized
465
00:20:07,848 --> 00:20:10,716
that I... I don't need to be
so desperate to please everyone.
466
00:20:10,718 --> 00:20:14,169
So... I said I was sorry, and if
that's not good enough for you,
467
00:20:14,171 --> 00:20:17,189
then, you got to deal with it.
468
00:20:18,274 --> 00:20:20,142
Well, that was rude.
469
00:20:20,144 --> 00:20:24,012
I had a hug all locked
and ready to go.
470
00:20:24,014 --> 00:20:27,232
Guess I can just use it
to bring in the trash can.
471
00:20:27,234 --> 00:20:29,234
Hmm.
472
00:20:29,236 --> 00:20:30,535
Where are Adam and Mikayla?
473
00:20:30,537 --> 00:20:31,953
Her punishment was over,
474
00:20:31,955 --> 00:20:35,157
so he bought her a big bag of
candy and took her to a movie.
475
00:20:35,159 --> 00:20:36,708
What time was the movie?
476
00:20:36,710 --> 00:20:38,460
7:00, I think.
477
00:20:38,462 --> 00:20:41,296
You wan to have sex?
478
00:20:41,298 --> 00:20:43,031
Why not?
479
00:20:43,033 --> 00:20:44,532
But this is the last time.
480
00:20:44,534 --> 00:20:45,717
We got to stop this.
481
00:20:45,719 --> 00:20:48,470
- We're supposed to be divorced.
- I know.
482
00:20:48,472 --> 00:20:51,473
Just need something
to spice up a Friday night.
483
00:20:51,475 --> 00:20:56,377
It's this, or we could watch your
old tapes of Matlock reruns.
484
00:20:58,064 --> 00:20:59,931
- I'll get the tapes.
- I'll get the popcorn.
485
00:20:59,956 --> 00:21:27,800
Sync & corrections by no1
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486
00:21:27,850 --> 00:21:32,400
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