All language subtitles for The Millers s01e08 Internet Dating.eng

Hey, uh, so, Deb... has-has Dad ever
said anything to you about dating?

No, he seems pretty content
with the ladies on Fox News.

I was thinking about bringing up
the idea with Mom.

Really? Mom dating?

- Why, do you think it's a bad idea?
- I don't know.

I mean... are you sure you can
handle her seeing other people?

[Deb laughs]

Ha-ha. That's disgusting.

Yeah, grow up, Deb.

I think that is
a great idea, Nate.

Thank you, Adam.

Yeah.

Because now you're at that point
where you either

- got to give her a ring, or you gotta move on.
- [Laughing]

ADAM [laughing]: Yeah...

Hey, you know what, guys?
This is serious, okay?

I-I need to find somebody else
to take care of Mom,

Otherwise, I'm never
gonna have time to date,

- and I'm gonna be stuck with Mom forever.
- Okay.

All joking aside... and just for a
moment, because I do want toome back to

making fun of you
for dating your mom...

but I was watching The Talk
at work the other afternoon...

Every afternoon.

Okay.

It's not just for women.

All right?

I think you're thinking
of The View.

The Talk is edgy.

So they did a story on this, uh,
dating Web site for older people.

It's called
"FinalChanceforRomance.com."

You know what?
That might be great for Mom.

Oh, I don't know. I don't know
if Mom should be dating.

It might be too risky
this soon after the divorce.

Plus, you two are the only
couple friends that we have.

[laughter]

And we're back.

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www.Addic7ed.Com

Yeah.

Hey, Mom. We're gonna
watch the hockey game here.

That's fine. I'm almost finished
with my online dating profile

on that Web site you showed me.

Oh, yeah? Let's take a look.

Your user name is "Carol
Miller Who Likes Grapes""

Carol Miller was taken...
and I like grapes.

Wait. Under "What you're
looking for in a man""

it just says, "mustache""

I always wanted to kiss
a man with a mustache,

but your father just didn't have the
upper lip strength to support one.

Wait a second. It says,
"Complete this sentence.

"In the bedroom, I like to..." dot, dot,
dot, and you wrote, "Do everything"?

Yeah. I like to read
in there, I exercise.

That's where I wrap presents.

No, no, no, Mom, you just...
I can...

I fill out my profile
however I see fit. And send.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm
going for my power penny walk.

Adam saw it on The Talk.

"13 thrifty ways to tone
and tighten your tushy."

Aisha says, "The more these cans
wiggle, the less my can will jiggle."

[rhythmic rattling]

[woman giggling]

You heard that, too, right?

[woman giggles]

Come on, man. Don't make me
that guy that never knew

his best friend had girls locked
in the basement.

[woman giggling]

No. It's coming
from the computer.

[woman giggling]

My mom just got tickled.

Looks like when you flirt
with somebody on this Web site,

they call it a tickle,
and she's got a bunch already.

All right, let's check
these guys out.

No, not him. No. [Laughs]

Not him. Ugh! God, who gets
braces in their 60s?

No, no, no, no,
don't just delete 'em.

If that guy lives long enough,
he's gonna have a dynamite smile.

But, Ray, this could end up
being my stepfather.

I refuse to spend my nights picking
pieces of meat out of his headgear, no.

Hmm.

Hey, this guy hasn't tickled Mom yet,
but he looks great... this Sarge.

I like that screen
name... "Strong"".

Look at that mustache.

Ah, Mom would love to get swept
up in that lip broom.

And he's got a boat.

Two boats! Nate, we can race!

How many times have we
talked about racing boats?!

As of right now, just once,
but it sounds amazing.

[laughing] Look at this.

He likes hockey, working out
and sipping whiskey.

- Oh!
- What? Is this a computer, or a mirror?

He is perfect for me.

Her. Us.

[laughing]: It's about time Carol
dates a Nathan her own age anyway.

Give him a tickle.

What? No, no, no.
No, no, no. No, no, no.

I-I can't pretend to be my mom.

We'll wait for her
to decide if she...

No, no, no, no, no. We don't
have time to wait, man.

A dude like that can get
snatched up at any second.

Tickle his ass!

Ah...

[woman giggles]

The Sarge has been tickled!

[laughter]

[woman giggling]
Tickled him twice. Why not?

Why not?!

Tickle him till he pees!

[laughing]

[woman giggling]

He tickled us back!

[screams] Oh, man!

[laughing]

Ah! [Computer chimes]

"Have you ever been to Rome?"

Okay, I got this. Um, what if I write,
"No, but I'd love to go some day?"

No, no, no, no, no. It makes it sound
like she's begging for an invite.

Lean back and let
him come to you.

[sniffles]

"Never been to Rome, but that's probably
because I'm more of a Paris girl."

And... winky face.

[computer chimes]

"Maybe we'll go some day.

Until then, what are you doing
this weekend?"

Whoo...!

Sarge came to play!

[laughs]

Then let's play.

"Saturday night,
I've got box at a hockey game.

Want to come?"

[laughter]

[sighs]

[laughter]

Oh.

Mm. Mm.

Mm.

[laughter]

[sighs] Where's a...?

What's taking so long?

- Usually writes back in a couple seconds.
- I know.

I'm sure he's just crafting
a witty response here.

[clears throat]

Okay, now I'm getting nervous.

Why'd you ask him
out so soon, man?!

We got him nibbling on the bait,

and you just yanked your
worm right out of his mouth!

Come on,
what was I supposed to do?

I can't just sit here with
my worm in his mouth all night.

At some point,
I have to yank my rod!

[computer chimes]

"Sorry. Watching hockey.
Crazy goal."

There was a goal?

Oh! Oh!

[computer chimes]

"Would love to come
to the game with you."

BOTH: Oh!

Oh! [Screams, laughs]

Oh, Mom, big news.

We found you a date,
and he's perfect.

Have you been messing
with my profile?

I told you...

Oh, yum!

I'd like to get swept up
in that lip broom.

[indistinct chatter, laughing]

And tell them about the text
we sent to the Sarge.

Oh, he was telling me
about his workout program,

so I said, "Can't we just see
the results?" Winky face.

So, then he sent
an emoticon of a barbell.

Then I sent an emoticon
of a blushing angel.

Then he said I was a hoot,
so I sent a picture of an owl,

thus, proving his point!

So you were up all night
sexting with a 73-year-old man?

I wasn't sexting.

I wasn't talking to you.

Well, technically,
I was the one at the keyboard,

but mom was standing behind me
the whole time.

For a while, but after I went to
bed, I could still hear you typing.

[laughs]

You know, I don't think
any of these are right.

Well, Carol, it's not
all about the dress.

It's like the other afternoon,
Sharon was telling Sarah...

Please don't refer to the women
on The Talk by their first names.

You don't know them,
and they don't know you.

Well, I'm sure they've
gotten all my letters.

- Look, the point is, don't focus on the clothes.
- Uh-huh.

Focus on the woman
wearing the clothes.

You need an outfit that
accentuates your silhouette.

I'll go get you a sleeping bag.

Dad, not now, please.

It's okay. I remember
when I was alone.

So much anger and jealousy.

I forgive you, Tom, and I hope
one day, you find someone, too.

What are you talking about?

Oh, haven't you heard?

I met a wonderful man online,

and we're going on a date
to see my favorite hockey group,

the Washington Capitals.

You don't like the Capitals.

I do now.

And this year, I think they could
compete because they just need

defense to win the championship?

Perfect.

You can't dress her up in fancy
clothes and tell her what to say.

That's false advertising.

At least slap a warning label on
her with a list of side effects.

"May cause headaches, anxiety
and loss of sexual drive."

[horn honks]

Oh, Mom, that's Ray for you.

- Come on, let's go.
- Yeah.

Grab your bag here. Oh.

Now, have a great haircut, and
be back at our house by 5:00.

Maybe 5:15 if Ray and I stop to
pre-game with a little ros?.

I'm charming with
a light buzz on.

Oh! [Laughs]

Putting a lot of
effort into this.

- The Sarge must be some catch.
- Oh.

You have no idea.

He's rich,
he owns multiple watercraft.

The guy just finished
his sixth triathlon.

You know what? You know what?

He once turned down an offer
to model for Tommy Bahama.

And get this.

He doesn't often drink beer,
but when he does,

it's free because
he owns his own brewery.

Doesn't sound that great to me.

Has he ever danced
with Carol Burnett?

Uh... no. Have you?

No.

There you are.

How long does it take to get my
mom's hair done? Where is she?

Okay, you know how you have
to prepare yourself

before you talk to a person
with a glass eye or a baby arm?

Yeah.

Do that.

[sighs] Tada!

[laughs]

It's fun, huh?

Oh. So fun.

I want to drop a marble in there
and see where it comes out.

I got to go get dressed
before the Sarge gets here.

This is so exciting! [Laughs]

If this works out,
I wonder if we'll live

on one of his boats or
in one of his houses.

Water or land?

The mermaid's dilemma.

[quietly]:
Ray, what the hell, man?

I left the beauty shop for
ten minutes to get a snow cone.

While I was gone,
she asked for fancy.

You say "fancy" in a black
salon, you're gonna get fancy.

We're way past fancy.

My mom's head looks like a trophy
at the Calligraphy Awards.

[doorbell rings]

It's him. It's him!

It's him. Okay, um, you go upstairs
and help my mom. I'll get the door.

Hi, I'm Nathan, Carol's son.

It's great to meet you.
[chuckles]

Uh, she'll be down in one second. Can I, uh...
get you a whiskey and ginger?

Yeah. How'd you know that?

Uh... Well, my mom must've
mentioned it. I...

Yeah, you and your mom
are close.

Half of her texts are about you.

She even suggested I take
you for a ride in my boat.

What? That's so crazy.
Mom, she's a...

Next weekend is supposed
to be nice though.

Ooh! [Chuckles]

It works, right?

Like they say in AA,
it works if you work it.

So let me see you work it.

Damn, Carol! [Whoops]

- If you were working any harder,
- Yeah?

That dress gonna have
to file a W-2 form.

[both chuckle]

Oh, hey.

Something's digging
into my back.

What... Let me see that. Oh.

- Some dumb-dumb left the security tag on.
- Oh, no.

Oh, this can't be
happening. What do I do?

- What do I do? What do I do?
- Calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down.

Look me in my eyes. I got you.

I know how to take
these things off.

You believe me?

[phone rings]

Hello?

You need to bring over
the other dresses now.

Mom, I was getting
ready to take a bath.

Debbie, it's an emergency.

The security tag exploded,

and the back of my dress
looks like I sat on a Smurf!

I am so sorry.

[gags, coughs]

In the moment, it
seemed very reasonable

that I could pry the security
tag off with my teeth.

In hindsight, I now see
that this was the only outcome.

So, "Sarge." What is that?
Police? Military?

MAN: Well, both, actually. Uh, you
know, I was military police.

And, look, y-you don't have
to call me by my screen name.

You can call me Frank. Wow.

Look at us, Frank.
Two sips of whiskey, Frank,

and we're already past
the screen names, Frank.

A-And, forgive me,
what was your name again, son?

It doesn't matter.
"Son" is fine.

[chuckles]

You know, I normally take showers, but,
uh, Debbie had already made this bath,

I had already made this crudit?.

It just... felt like the
universe wanted this to happen.

Debbie's not in there, is she?

No. No, she went to bring Carol
a new dress for her big date.

You might want to leave because these
bubbles are popping at an alarming rate.

The date's tonight?

Yeah. They're going to the game
with Nathan and Ray.

Listen, Tom, I'm starting to feel
a little bit awkward in here,

so maybe if you could
just, uh...

just sit and visit
for a while, uh...

They're all going
to the hockey game, huh?

Listen, Tom...
and I'm not just saying this

because I'm naked in a room
with my father-in-law

and I want that to end as soon as possible...
but... if this is bothering you,

I think that you should do something
about it before it's too late.

You know what?

I think I will.

Um... actually, I came in here because
Mikayla was in the other bathroom.

Do you mind?

[sighs] Fine.

You've got about a minute.

[grunts]

[indistinct chatter] Hey, j...

Okay, I'm-I'm sure there's
a perfectly logical

and-and possibly hilarious story
that explains why Debbie's here

and, Mom, you're in a new dress

and, Ray, you look like you've
been bobbing for urinal cakes,

but... that story's just gonna have to
wait 'cause Sarge is getting impatient.

Nathan, I'm just starting
to feel...

No, Mom, you look
fantastic, okay?

So, Debbie, thank you for
coming by and, Ray, just...

wipe off your face and tell Sarge
that we'll be down there in a minute.

Take it from a former shoplifter,
that blue's not coming out.

Okay, Mom, listen, we got to learn
how to line dance real quick

- [groans]
- 'Cause Sarge is taking us to a cowboy bar

after the game. Don't worry.

I've downloaded some instructional
videos off the Internet.

Nathan, I-I can't learn
to line dance in five minutes.

Sure you can!
Look, it's basically

just the Electric Slide
except for every once in a while

all you got to do is you got
to kick your hand with your boot

and spin around
your invisible lasso.

Nathan, stop it.

I'm tired of pretending.

Look at me. I'm wearing a dress
I would never wear.

I've been studying hockey
for three days straight.

My hair looks
like a chocolate fountain.

[groans] You father was right.

This is false advertising!

I mean, I'm just not the Carol you
created on the World Wide Web.

That Carol was witty
and fun and exciting.

She was like a Hollywood Square.

I'm just some old frumpadump
who likes grapes.

I'm sorry. I just can't do this.

Mom, I-I don't want you to do
anything you don't want to do.

I just...

I thought that
Sarge was perfect,

and I wanted you to
be perfect for him.

I thought that's
what you wanted.

It is but not like this.

I want to be me. I want to be the Carol
who sits at home in her sweatpants.

Like back when I was dating you.

[chuckles]

And if Sarge doesn't want that,
then it's his loss.

I love who you are.

If you're good enough for me, then
you're good enough for Frank.

He said I could call him Frank.

[indistinct shouting downstairs]

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, Nate,
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

I don't know what to do here,
man. Two old white dudes

fighting... if I jump in it,
we all know who's going to jail!

Hey. Come on.
What's going on? No, no, no.

Come on, come on, come on.
Let go. All right, all right,

all right, all right...
That lunatic

burst through that door
and started swinging at me.

You will never replace me!

A-ha! I knew it!

You're jealous! Well, too bad.

If you liked it, you should've
kept a ring on it.

Hi, I'm Carol.

I'm gonna go get changed.

I'll be back
in a mustache... minute.

Hey, look, buddy, if you still
have feelings for your ex-wife...

What? I don't care about her.
I was talking about my son.

What?

Oh, don't act so innocent.

I hear the way you talk about him, like
he's the father you always wanted.

"Sarge runs triathlons,
"Sarge makes his own beer,

"Sarge remembers to take his socks
off before he gets in the shower."

Sir, I can assure you I have no
interest in your son whatsoever.

Well, that's not...
entirely true, Frank.

I mean, obviously there's
a connection here.

We've had a good night.
We're-we're buddies.

We're not buddies. Buddies?

I can't be buddies with someone
who wears a citrus-based cologne.

It's not a cologne. It's just
a very fragrant body wash.

And, if anything,
it's more oaky than citrus.

Hey, look, I was just pretending
to be nice because I like Carol.

Oh, really?

Oh, you like Carol?

Well, did you hear that, guys?

He doesn't like me.

He likes Carol.

Guess what?

[whispers]: I am Carol.

So every-every flirty text, every
"LOL," every perfectly timed emoticon,

that was all me.

Ray helped, too.

Oh. I'm cool, Nate. You take it.

Man, I should've never tried
to date on the Internet.

Brother.

What a bunch of weirdos.

Who's he calling a weirdo?

CAROL:
Can someone please help me?

You know, Dad, I-I just want to say I'm
sorry if I got a little carried away.

I-I really wasn't
trying to replace you.

It's not your fault.

As your dad, I need to try harder
to do the things that you enjoy.

Hockey's not that bad.

And my bird binoculars
come in handy, too.

Oh, look.

Couple of pigeons
up there in the rafters.

Oh, Ray, someone just went
into the penalty house.

Ooh.

I'm sorry you couldn't
get that blue off your face,

but I really think
you made it work.

Aw, thank you.

Look like a damn idiot.

["Charge" plays]

Sorry we ruined your date, Mom.

It's all right. Before
I can find someone else,

I got to find me. Like tonight
I found out I like hockey,

which gives us another excuse
to hang out together.

Long as everyone knows
we're just hanging out.

Oh, oh, oh!

Look who's on the Kiss Cam!

[Carol gasps] [Ray laughs]

RAY: Kiss! Kiss!

Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

[cheering] [Ray laughing]

We want to thank
our special guest host today

for joining us
at the Talk Table.

From WXDN in Leesburg, Virginia,
up-and-coming newscaster, Nathan Miller!

[cheering and applause]

Thank you so much.

I-I still can't believe
that I've got this opportunity.

It has been so much fun.

You were fabulous, my darling.

You promise me you'll come back?

Oh, are you kidding?
I can't wait.

It would be fantas... And
I can't also wait to get home

and try that awesome
bacon milkshake recipe!

[cheering and applause] Yes, yes.
Yes, yes, and it is good!

[chuckling]: Oh... But... we
have one other surprise for you.

We know that
you've been spending

a lot of time lately
with a very special lady.

And after 42 years, she wants you
to make an honest woman out of her.

WOMEN: Surprise wedding!

[cheering and applause]

Oh, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no. No, no, no.

No!

No, no, no! No, no!
We were not dating!

She's my mother!
She's my mother! This is wrong!

This is morally
and legally wrong!

[snorts] Oh. Aw, man.

I finally had a dream about The
Talk and I wasn't even in it.

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