All language subtitles for The Middleman s01e09 The Obsolescent Cryogenic Meltdown.eng

You texted, I came.

Do you love it?

The batter of the bulge
pancake house?

Well, in the pantheon of places
i'd like to be taken by a gentleman caller...

You don't find the promise of luftwaffles
and panzer cakes irresistible?

While I do admire
the culinary genius

who thought to forge the human drama
of the allied struggle

against nazi germany
with the goodness of all day breakfast...

I didn't bring you here
for the pancakes, dubs.

You didn't?

I may be a starving musician,
but give me a little more credit.

Well, thank god,

because, technically
this is our third date,

and while things have been known
to happen on third dates,

the batter of the bulge pancake house
isn't exactly a deal maker.

Though the thought of "things happening"
has occasionally occurred to me since we met,

it's not why I brought you to this bunker
of maple syrup and mortar fire.

Hold these, if you please.

- Why am I standing up?
- Step this way, please.

But I was just about to order a cruller
named after the invasion of crete!

Just a couple more steps,
porsche dubster.

What's with the quarters?

All your questions
will be answered right now.

Sweet mother
of nolan bushnell.

- It's gut wrencher 1.
- It's gut wrencher 1!

The goriest
side-scroller in history,

banned in 17 countries,

the only arcade game ever to be denounced
by both tipper gore and the dalai lama.

They only made 150 of these
before it all went set-top.

But only the coin-op
edition has the additional

four levels of sheer carnage
that the home edition did not have.

This is my favorite.
How did you know?

Because you're
made of awesome.

Oh, my god, tyler, I...

Don't get all mushy on me,
princess.

I came to play.

Come on, shoot him!
He's at 60 percent!

Keep him off me,
I gotta get the scud missile.

Come on!

He just chopped off my leg!

I'm going as fast as I can.

Oh, he took my other leg!

That's it, tyler ford
shall smite you!

All right,
I got this one, fordo.

wow.

We just destroyed the th level
bloodlust catamite.

Yeah,
with a scud missile.

And it only took 18 dollars in quarters
to finish the game.

Ida, what the...?

Quite the minx, isn't she?

Story of o! Turn it off!

Full surveillance,
standard operating procedure

whenever a middleman
starts a meaningful personal relationship.

Wendy's like
a little sister to me.

Sorry, it's in the manual,
I gotta do this.

- This is horrifying!
- No choice, pal.

Part of the job.

We do not abuse
our surveillance privilege like that.

Wimp.

www.1000fr. com presents

Sync: ÈðÈðµÄÀÇ

The Middleman Season 01 Ep 09

absolutely not, I totally
delivered the killing blow.

If I hadn't shot that scud
into its catamite behind,

you'd still be
at the controls and legless.

I totally
warmed him up for you.

Gut wrencher 2
on the emulator tonight?

Like you have to ask.

bye.

So things went well
at the pancake house?

They had a coin-op
gut wrencher 1.

Say no more.

I just wish I wasn't having
such a difficult time of this.

Sex, waffles and videogames?

What am I missing?

Can you keep a secret?

Have I told anyone
about that thing

with the blueberry pudding pops
and the elliptical machine?

It's my mutant power.

Can you make fire
with your mind?

'Cause that would
explain some things.

No.

Every time I'm in a relationship with someone,
I can always see how it's gonna end.

Oh, come on. That's
japanese game show crazy.

It's true.

We've roomed and now you tell me
about your mutant ability?

With great power
comes great responsibility.

What about ben?

If you'd known that he would
videotape your breakup

and put it on the internet...

I knew it would involve film.

What about tyler?

How's that gonna end?

That's the problem.

I don't know.

Not only do you have
a mutant ability,

you have a mutant ability
that isn't even working.

And it's freaking me out.

Over the years I've
gotten used to knowing

that my relationships
were doomed and why

and it's weirdly comforting.

That makes no sense.

But after three dates
and a videogame carnage-inspired hookup,

I still have no idea
about tyler.

I just
don't know what to do.

Proceed, you dolt.

- I knew you wouldn't understand.
- Oh, I understand...

...that you're groping
for an emotional escape hatch

because of what happened
with ben and steve

and rodney and tommy tam.

Just keep this
to yourself, ok?

Hello, ladies. I need some
caffeine action post-haste.

Anvil drank
all my coffee again.

Hey, noser.

Wendy thinks she has this
ability that tells her

when and how all her
relationships are going to end.

Lacey!

That just sounds to me
like a coping mechanism to avoid intimacy.

All right, that's enough.

You've got to stop looking
for the emotional rip-cord, dub-dub,

or you're gonna find out
that your parachute's really a backpack.

What's that even mean?

Uh, dubbie... Hey.

- "Hey?"
- yes, hey. Uh,

there's something you
and I need to discuss.

It involves your middlewatch
and the real time situation recording archive.

Oh, that thing in my watch
that records everything I...

Oh, my god.

You saw me and tyler!

Dubbie, there is watching
and there is seeing.

And I did not watch,
but I did see.

It was
a split second, really.

Of course, part of the training means
I can memorize a crime scene

with nothing more
than a glance.

Aw! Gross!

There's something
called code 86.

It's a protocol we have in place
to shut down the recording

archive should a member of the organization
require privacy of a personal nature.

Why didn't you
tell me before?

I didn't think
you'd need it this soon.

Can we just talk about something else
or solve a crime or something?

You're in luck.

Someone just melted
a jewelry store downtown.

Melted?

Like butter.

Let's go.

I'm Dr. Alexander scott.

This is my associate,
kelly robinson.

We're with the pentagon.

When will you have a name?

I'm sorry, ma'am, a name?

Of the man who came
to my jewelry store,

melted the back wall
and stole seven figures in precious necklaces.

All I need is a name.

Are you former kgb,
by any chance?

No.

Can you describe
the perpetrator?

Looked like andy warhol.

Long black overcoat,
wayfarer sunglasses,

thick red scarf
and store-melting ray gun.

You give us a name,
we pay you handsomely.

Are you sure
you aren't former kgb?

Positive.

What kind of wing-nut
are we talking about?

The kind who
could kill millions,

take down cities, countries
and even puppy dogs and playgrounds

and one whose mo seems strangely,
uncannily familiar to me.

Strangely,
uncannily familiar?

Dubbie, this calls for swift
and decisive action.

It's a good thing we're taking
swift and decisive action.

No really, this is a level
of ass-kickery I've never experienced before.

In the immortal words
of bertolt brecht,

"hungry man, reach for a book.
It is a weapon!"

brecht was a communist.

Dubbie, you are looking
at the middlelore.

Every foe the middlemen
have faced over the centuries

is recorded and stored here.

Ah! Here's an oldie

the domino.

You had a cuban supervillain?

Lithuanian.

Tried to create a domino effect to
knock down all the buildings in the city.

Check this guy out.

The fabulous face.

He tried to replace everyone
in the white house with evil doubles.

And he succeed, though no one seemed
to notice at the time.

And here's Dr. Solaris, who tried to taint
the water supply with a boredom toxin.

Which someone seems
to have used on you.

Can I run something
personal by you?

Of course, dubbie.

You know tyler.

The guy you and ida...

The one you were supposed
to be keeping an eye on

but instead wound up
having a code 86 with?

Yes. He's so perfect
in so many ways.

And everything's
going so great...

Ah, limerence.

That's a funky name
for a villain.

That's the scientific term
for romantic love.

If you're in it, you'd better
enjoy every bit of it

because it doesn't last.

I would be enjoying it,
if it wasn't for my mutant ability.

Your psychological tests
would have shown us any extra-human...

I don't mean
anything like that.

I guess what I mean
is, uh, intuition.

Every time I get into
a relationship,

I can always visualize
how it's going to end.

And with tyler, I can't.

It's totally killing me.

You have any idea
what that's like?

No.

It sounds like something out of
one of those hateful independent films.

This is exactly why
I stick to westerns.

Why did I think you were
gonna be any help?

Dubbie, love is simple.

You have it or you don't.

Everything else is either
delusion or self-sabotage.

Fragments of moon rock!

The candle.

I knew the mo rang a bell.

It has to be he.

The candle, formerly professor lloyd cramden, ph. D,

until he was driven mad by the death
of his family in a freak ice rink meltdown

and vowed to design a weapon that would
subject the entire world to his private pain.

Ida, I need you
on the heydar.

We think the candle
has returned.

The candle?

Formerly professor
lloyd cramden?

Too late, toaster.
We know the back story.

We haven't seen hide
nor hair from him since 1969.

We have reason
to believe he's returned.

I need a cross-referenced list
of news and information

on data platforms
relating to any developments

that might pertain to the name,
technologies or known associates of the candle.

What's with the space age
bachelor pad music?

Ida, did you just
disobey a direct order?

Ida! What's happening?

I guess this is as good
a time as any to ask.

Where's that door lead to?

Among other things,
the middleman's cryogenics vault.

Cryogenics?

He ordered me to do this.

He told me to unfreeze him
if the candle ever reared his ugly head again.

who?

Wendy watson, boss,
allow me to present,

all the way from 1969...

You can call me
the middleman.

Someone has exactly five seconds
to tell me

what's going on before
I call the sexual harassment hotline.

- How long have I been under?
- Forty years.

This is amazing.

I always knew 02stk had
the technology to cryogenically freeze middlemen...

O2stk?

Organization
too secret to know.

It's our little joke.

Like you and I had.

Wthwwf.

Whoever the heck
we work for?

Whatever they're called, they
can make us into middlesicles

when they feel like it?

I did this to myself,
sticks.

With the order
that ida thawed me

whenever my arch-nemesis,
the candle, emerged from hiding.

Wow. This is an honor.

You must be the new model.

Take that, would you?

- Boss?
- yes?

Sorry. Old habit.

Perhaps we should call our new friend
by the year he was frozen.

Sixty-nine.

I have your uniform
freshly pressed...

... And waiting for you.

You're an angel, ida.

Well, like the man said,
lead, follow, or get out of the way.

I knew the candle faked his
death.

It was the only way
he could shake my tail.

Sheer elegance
in its simplicity?

- Bad guys still saying that?
- Like a broken record.

If the candle has
come back,

you can bet he's shopping around
for a supply of balthorium-g,

but he isn't counting on me,
his original adversary.

Still young and
burning for the fight.

What's balthorium-g?

Balthorium-g is the fuel he uses
to power his melting ray.

- Aw, phooey.
- Phooey? What is that?

It's a polite way
of saying.

Oh. Since when are we polite?

Ah. My old uniform.

I've always said
the clothes make the man.

Or woman.

He's looking at me
all pervy, isn't he?

Of course not.

I can feel it.

Actually, I am.

I bet you've got
spectacular stems.

I'm wondering why
you don't show them off.

We should discuss strategy.

Three steps ahead.

We take out an ad in thethrifty nickel
under the name "harry lime. "

when the candle reads that
I'v egot balthorium-g for sale,

he'll have no choice
but to answer.

You think an elite
super-villain reads thethrifty nickel?

The supermarket
classified newsletter?

You fear men won't
take you seriously,

that's why you hide
that shapely body under that muu-muu.

I hide my ass-kicking,
sensei ping trained body

because this is
the required uniform.

Is that
what you told her?

What kind of nancy boy makes a hot,
spicy spanish girl hide her stuff in a sack?

I can pick my own uniform?

You bet your sweet brioni.

It's too early
to rule out a copycat.

This might not be
the candle.

I'll have ida run a scan
for the balthorium-g.

The candle always talked to his fences
in code through thethrifty nickel.

A lot of things
are different now.

Please. I'm not some comical
throwback to the summer of love.

I know my way around.

All sorts of new technologies
that you may not be...

Like what, the heydar?
I had one.

- Well, the internet, e- mail...
- Had it!

- Cell phones?
- Had to retire them. Brain cancer thing.

Trust me, nellie, old cats
never change their stripes.

It's gonna be
thethrifty nickel.

I don't have to wear
this coat?

You can wear whatever
you like, schatzi...

- Fresh.
- Thank you.

Ida, how is it that
I've been frozen for 40 years,

but you haven't aged a day?

Oh, stop, ya old flirt.

- Ida, get on the heydar.
- Ida, get on the horn to...

Sorry.
He was my boss first.

So, what's it gonna be,
hot stuff?

The thrifty nickel.

Oh, and I'm gonna need
a bottle of hai karate, as well.

there can be only one middleman.

You may want
to make yourself scarce.

The lions have some pride business
to work out among themselves.

I can pick my own uniform?

Tyler?

Hey. Lacey let me in.

But don't worry.

I only spent the first ten minutes rifling
through your underwear drawer.

And now I'm testing your oven.

We have an oven?

It's the metal box
where you store the extra paint.

I thought you'd appreciate coming home
to an anchovy pizza with a side of ranch.

That's my favorite.

You mentioned it during the story about
your botchedquinceañera.

Of course, I didn't
expect you home so soon.

Am I the only one
getting the awkward vibe?

No, there's
an awkward vibe.

Hey, look, sex is one thing,
but cooking...?

If it's too soon, I get it.

No, that's not what I mean.

- I just...
- Oh, no. You know about me.

You read it on the web
or heard it at one of the clubs.

Just come out and say it,
dreams of monica.

Dreams of monica?

The neo-hippy jam band hit?

The number one song?

That's not what this is about?

I assumed you googled me.

No, I didn't.

But I'm totally gonna.

Oh, brother.

Uh...

I was the lead guitarist
in casanova charlie.

Awesome.

Wait.
Shouldn't you be richer?

And less groomed.
And on valtrex. Should i?

I should be lots of things.

But I left the band
after monica,

my monogamous and
herpie-free girlfriend,

and I broke up.

"i only have dreams of monica

she's the night I long
for she's the light I see

i'm working on a second verse.

monica left me
for that d-bag bass player

and I walked away from the band
before they hit it big

- it's catchy.
- Yeah.

Whoever I go out with,
they eventually find out

and I just become
tyler the not-a-rock-star,

and when the novelty
wears off,

I'm just tyler,

the-martyr who-gave-it-all-up-
To-take-the-moral-high-road.

You know what?

The more
I get to know you,

the less I want to know
how it ends.

What does that mean?

I don't see anything in the middlelore
that explains

how the candle went about
acquiring his balthorium-g.

- Jaguar.
- Like the feral cat?

The brazilian fashion model I was "entertaing"
instead of updating the middlelore.

The candle will come to us.
Relax.

I got your hai karate

and a fifth of fleming's
commander jamaica rum.

Ida, please run the search
I've been requesting for the past two hours.

Right after you mix me up
a cuba libre.

Fine.
I'll do it myself.

If only to prove no evil was ever thwarted
by lounging on a pelt and sipping moonshine.

Talk to me.

Why, yes, this is harry lime,

and I am looking
to unload some balthorium-g.

Don't be stingy
on the sauce, ida.

You don't really think the candle's
gonna fall for this lame sting, do you?

A stakeout can be
a valuable bonding exercise

and this is an excellent
opportunity to...

Fire and brimstone!

We do not smoke
in the middlemobile.

Why not? Is there something
combustible in here?

Only my temper when I see a man willingly
invite cancer into his body.

Cancer?

Everyone knows
the surgeon general is a red dupe.

I bet wendy would enjoy
a cigarette.

She's a girl who knows
how to get crazy.

Oh, did you have
another code 86?

It ain't a code 86
if you don't activate the protocol.

This was more like a hot night
at the boom-boom burlesque.

- Oh, lord!
- Don't be square, baby.

Studies show women have a boost
in intelligence after the physical act of love.

What this group needs
are stakeout treats.

Pick me up some jelly babies
while you're out there, hazel.

So, who is
the lucky stallion?

The only guy I'm thinking
about is the candle.

He's not here yet.

- You don't know that.
- Oh, yes I do.

I can sense him.

An arch-nemesis
isn't just an adversary.

He's the ying to your yang.

Yes, that's buddhism, sweet pea.

And I've learned to
anticipate his every ying.

I can tell your boss isn't really the type
to have these sorts of chats with you,

bu I'm just gonna
lay it down straight.

Have all the fun you want
with your guy

but cast him aside
before you fall in love.

- You don't believe in love?
- Of course I believe in love.

That's what we fight for.
So the world can love.

Unfortunately,
we're not the world.

I've seen it before.

Everyone starts this job
the same way.

Wide-eyed idealists
thinking they can have it all.

Save the day and get the girl.

But it always ends
the same way.

How does it always end?

With the love of your life eviscerated
by some super-genius in a cape and a body sock.

That happened to you?

That's how it ended
with my first wife.

And the third and fourth.

What about the second?

She left me
for a super-villain.

- That sucks.
- Yeah.

You sweat the satin,
share some laughs,

then she gets her face melted off
by some ray gun wielding beatnik.

The candle!

I'm gonna ask you
one question.

You have three chances
to answer.

Where is the candle?

I told you.
The candle's dead.

That's one. Here's
your second shot.

Where is the candle?

There's, like,
a hundred people who can verify it.

His funeral was packed
with friends and family.

His granddaughter
read a poem she wrote.

Ask her. Or his priest.

A super-villain
with a priest?

To me he was
just kindly Mr. Mccandle,

the cardigan-wearing old guy
from the neighborhood.

My dad died
when I was little.

The candle killed him?

No. Cancer. He was a smoker.

Mom need help
around the house,

and he was really handy.

Sometimes while he was fixing
the garbage disposal

or whatever he'd tell me stories

about how he was a super-villain
before he found jesus.

I thought he was kidding.

But this weird thing happened.

He melted your house?

He gave me a letter.

He told me not to read it
until he was dead.

After the funeral, I read it,

and he told me how
I could find his melting ray,

and how to use thethrifty nickel
to find balthorium-g.

He wanted you
to continue his work?

Wanted me
to donate it to science,

see if they could find out
how to use it for good.

Come on, a guy leaves you a melting ray,
you're not gonna steal some things?

The whole thing is just...

Sheer elegance
in its simplicity.

Listen up,
you damned, dirty hippie.

This is your last chance.

Put him down!

I'll put him down, all right!

What the hell is that?

The thing that's gonna bash in
your commie flower-child head

if you don't tell me
where the candle is!

- Like I said, he's dead.
- Liar!

Enough.

No.

He sings or he picks up
his own teeth with broken fingers.

We need to speak outside.

Don't you know
how to conduct an interrogation?

Who you save the world
from? Kittens?

It's over.

He's lying but you're
too much of a little girl to see it!

You served this organization
with pride and honor.

And I thank you
for your service.

What is that?

The chance to retire
with dignity.

Step aside.

You're out of line.

Middleman only uses violence...

When the fate of the world
is at stake. Yeah!

You got the first one
for free.

Sorry, sugar buns.

There can only be one
middleman and he's it.

This middleman,
this sword of the people,

rest in the fond sheath
of retirement...

Sharp as the justice he did once
and will forever champion.

Pugnantes malos
ne hos pugnetis

and now, a passage from my poem,
the unbroken chain.

Why don't we just skip it?

Very well.

We'll proceed with
the watch presentation.

Interrodroid?

Take it in, honey.

This too can
someday be all yours.

Our issues aside, a middleman
who makes it to retirement

is breathing rarefied air.

I admire you.

You entered a middleman,
you leave a civilian.

For the record,
please state your name.

My name is guy goddard.

Choke on it.

Hello, lacey.

Hi... Strange but alluring
man with broad shoulders

who inexplicably knows
my name.

Can I help you?

Why, yes. You can help by
offering the name of the scent

gracing that milky white
skin of yours.

Turpentine, papier mché,
fake blood and hot glue.

I'll just call it heaven.

Guy goddard.

My friends call me "god. "

lacey thornfield.

But, yet, you already
inexplicably know that.

Not so inexplicable.

I work with your roommate.

Guy? What are you
doing here?

At present,
i'm looking for some hooch.

Hey!

You stay away
from my roommate.

I meant a drink.

Oh.

Fatboy's farm apple wine.

Swanky.

To snuffing out the candle.

Guy. You gotta give it up.

Really?

Because after that sham ceremony,
I hit the whisper stream hard.

I got results,
and I got a plan.

Does your plan involve
realizing that the candle's dead?

Think I'm gonna spend the rest of my days
like an unfrozen caveman,

marvelling at your brave new world
of drive-through coffee and online porn?

This situation stinks,
dollface.

A million dollars in jewels were taken
and that kid can't account for them.

He said
he gave them to a fence.

Sure he did, but pour
this into your jigger.

There's a huge amount of money
floating out there.

Now add a splash of this.

Lord jeremiah purcell,
the eurotrash arms merchant,

just brought 4,000
angstroms of balthorium-g into the country.

Finally,
add this pickled onion.

It takes one angstrom
to wipe out an entire city.

The perfect gimlet
of melt-ageddon.

Not if we sneak into
lord jeremiah purcell's vault

and place a tracker in the vessel
holding the balthorium-g.

If I'm right, we catch
the candle red-handed.

I'm wrong,
and the candle is dead,

no one will be the wiser.

Maybe you are right,

but I can't just go
behind the middleman's back.

Your boss thinks
i'm a loose cannon.

He won't believe a word
I have to say.

And while he dithers,

4,000 city-melting angstroms of balthorium-g
are going to be out there in the open.

Wendy, being a middleman in traing is about
more than just replacing us should we die.

It's keeping us honest,
making us see the other angle.

How do we sneak in?

Tonight, lord jeremiah purcell is hosting
a nefarious bunch of scoundrels

and ne'er-do-wells
for a game of cards.

Cards? Great. I'm in.

Not so fast.

Have you ever played shibumi?

It's a wicked,
soulless game.

Each player is dealt
a full deck of cards.

Every card
has its own name.

There's 589 unique physical
and verbal challenges to every hand

and if anyone shows the slightest ignorance
of the game's byzantine rules,

they are decapitated by lord jeremiah
purcell's manservant, the speechless,

thoughtless brute, govinda.

I killed an 86th level
bloodlust catamite on gut wrencher 1.

I think I can handle
your little card game.

Deal.

Now, you're gonna have to learn
two things in the next 15 minutes,

how to play shibumi and
how to dress like a real woman.

This is how
a real woman dresses?

I don't make the rules,
twiggy, I'm just...

The middleman.

Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to our game.

I'd like to introduce
our newest player,

the american gambler
harry rule

and his dissolute lover,
the contessa caroline di contini.

??? anatol gogol,
also known as the monocle,

count manzeppi, the scot,

and, of course,
the icy vilma schnipp.

I, lord jeremiah purcell,
will call the game,

and as always
my manservant,

the speechless, thoughtless brute govinda
will keep the players honest.

Mr. Rule, every player has brought a rare
and priceless artifact as their stake.

What have you brought
to our table?

The missing
18 and a half minutes.

Weren't you a popsicle
in '72?

Time travel.

I spent five days in
the 70's back in '66.

Dealers! The cards!

Your play, Mr. Rule.

No pressure.

the official schematics
for the lunar landing soundstage.

Read 'em and weep.

Fifty-two of a kind!

If you'll excuse me,
i'll run off to the little boys' room

and the lady will
take over my hand.

Welcome to the game,
countess.

Tuts beat slims,
cats beat tuts.

Double rainbow.

Brava.

Two mannequins.

Three mannequins.

Four mannequins?

No mannequins.

No way, no how.

She's called your bluff,
miss schnipp,

and that means a siege!

Anatol gogol
takes the siege.

A glue stick?

A cheat among us!

Govinda! Now!

No one dies on my watch.

Seize her!

Dubbie, duck!

- Thanks.
- Don't mention it.

- How did you know...
- Been watching out for you all along.

I'd be a cruddy middleman

if I didn't assume guy would come
at you with some proposal.

Guys like guy, they never quit.

Now, where is he?

Ripley's believe it or not!

guy!

He melted my hand.

The candle? He really is alive?

- And the balthorium-g?
- Oh, he took it all.

Four thousand angstroms before
I could put the tracer in.

Yeah, he, uh, said
he was gonna melt the moon.

Oh, phooey.

Yeah. Phooey.

Hold still, E woobie.

Pan down
the puppy dog eyes, ida.

This isn't the hand that rocks the cradle,
if you know what I mean.

Don't get fresh with me,
pony boy,

I might actually have to
take you up on something.

Guy. I owe you an apology.

I take back what I said.

I wish I could
take back what happened.

We're soldiers.
We knew the risks.

I should have known that being a middleman
isn't something you turn off.

Don't let's start liplocking
just yet.

People. Me losing a meathook 'cause I couldn't
stop scratching the itch is a drag,

so let's talk about
something more interesting.

The candle is out there,

and I know exactly where
he's taking that balthorium-g.

Snake island.

What is that,
near dead man's bluff?

Right below the devil's throat.

I'm glad to see
you've done your homework.

I was just being snarky.

October of '69, right before
the candle vanished,

rumor had it

he was building the world's
largest melting ray.

I'm betting aardvarks-to-asses
that he's loading up that moon-melting weapon

with the 4,000 angstroms
of balthorium-g

from lord jeremiah purcell's
nefarious mansion.

Not if we destroy
that melting ray.

ida?

Use the heydar
to scan the pacific ocean

and look for snake island,
alleged home of the candle.

Roger that.

Guys, I hate to rain
on anyone's parade,

but the middlejet only
has room for one,

so am I on secret island
lair strafing duty or what?

Chickie baby's never been
to a supervillain island lair has she?

Sweetie, when a bad man builds
a home for his world-destroying ray,

the first things he buys...

Automated missile
defense package.

Barrier mines.

Android guards to protect the island
after the supervillain has died.

And a lot of
scandinavian furniture.

How do we get
to the candle's lair?

Maybe scotty can beam us down.

It's an obscure reference to a
canceled television show.

I'm sure you've never heard of it.

Actually, I do have a plan.

The dsv-4600 middlesub.

The 4600. We haven't really
used that in quite a while.

Better take it out of mothballs.

Only its asbestos will deflect
the island's defense system.

Right.

Then it's settled.

We're off to snake island.

In the cancer sub?

- Hey.
- Hey, tyler.

I'm about to knock on your door.

Can you hear that?

Oh man, now I feel even worse
than before.

You're not home, are you?

I'm so sorry.

And the tone of your "i'm sorry" leads me
to believe you're not gonna be here any time soon.

Noser has a key.

You could let yourself in and cook me
another meal and leave it in the fridge.

Don't tempt me. My gazpacho
refrigerates like a snow-nado.

- A tornado made of snow?
- You know it.

Why are you being so cool?

Because I love that you have
a job you love and are good at.

You do what you have to do
and when you get back,

i'll still be around.

Really?

Wendy.

Maybe tomorrow you'll leave me
for some d-bag bass player

or maybe we'll wake up
70 years from now

on the front porch of some
florida old folks community

rubbing vicks on each other.

Tempting!

What I'm saying is,
i'm in this,

and I'd be a pretty cruddy guy

if all it took to get me out
of it was a late night at work.

- I'll talk to you soon.
- Later.

Don't worry, I'll get you
back home in one piece.

Must be difficult for you,
having original recipe around, taking control.

He's hardly original anything.

He's one in a long line.
As am i.

Doing our job.

Our job means he's wearing
a hook the rest of his life.

Why does he do it? Why do you?

Seriously. You can't retire
happily, you can't love...

Can't love? Halls of montezuma,
dubbie! Who told you that?

He did.

And you took his word for it?

He said it was impossible.

Love isn't an impossibility
for us.

It's an impossibility for him.

Then why aren't you with anyone?

My choices are my own.

And make no mistake.

I've loved and been loved.

If true love shows up at your
doorstep, and you drive it away,

that's on you,
not the job or anything else.

This place looks deserted.

Don't be fooled.

The candle's melting ray could be
anywhere and ready to fire at any minute.

I have a question.

Why are you guys in wetsuits, and I'm
in this honey ryder thunderball nightmare?

Honey ryder's from doctor no.

Ah, you make me sick.

Scandinavian furniture.

There are three exits
out of this chamber.

We'd better split up.

Earthquake?

I believe that's a third stagebalthorium-g
electromechanical turbine

going though its initiation sequence.

We better hurry.

You take that corridor.
I'll take this one.

That one's yours, sweet thing.

I'll call
when I find the ray gun.

Shores of tripoli!

- The melting ray, that's the sound of...
- I know.

But it's too late,
we have to go back.

Too late for what?

I'm sorry.

Your middleman, he's dead.

This was a trap.

The candle melted your boss,
now he's melting the island.

We go back.

- He can't be.
- But he is.

We can't just leave him here.

The candle melted him!

I'm going down there.
I have to see for myself.

Sorry, toots.

But the only thing more dangerous than
an attractive woman is an intelligent woman.

- You killed him.
- No. It wasn't me.

The candle's weapon,
that's what did him in.

The candle?

There's no guards here,
there's no henchmen.

You couldn't stand
being put out to pasture

so you lured us here,

figured you could use your old arch-enemy's
weapon to make it look like an ambush.

There is no candle.

This is your plan.

I did what I had to do.

You stole the 4,000 angstroms
of balthorium-g...

- You melted your own hand.
- There can only be one middleman.

You thought you could
replace him as a hero

and have me as your sidekick?

My plan is...

Sheer elegance
in its simplicity.

That's right, guy, the bad guys
are still saying that.

No. I'm not the bad guy.

We can't both do the job.

This is the only way.

Why don't you finish
what you started and shoot me?

You'll never be the man he was.

You're not the middleman.

You're the candle,

a coward who kills people
with his melting ray.

My god. What have I done?

Don't make a move!

There's still a chance
to save him, I swear.

Wendy! You have
to shut off the melting ray!

- You can't.
- Why not?

I defeated the candle
so many times

by shutting down his melting ray
in the last minute,

that he built this model
without an off switch.

Once you turn it on
there's no going back!

What are you doing?

Don't worry.

My plan is sheer elegance
in its simplicity.

There's something
I need to do very badly.

What's that, dubbie?

Snake island will always be
remembered as the field

where the candle and the middleman
had their ultimate confrontation.

I can't think of
a more fitting memorial.

Is that gonna be
the official story?

I think so.

I thought middlemen told the truth
and nothing but the truth.

I am telling the truth. It's
only the facts I'm changing.

I know I'll never be as much fun
as he was, ida.

Yeah. He was
snappy dresser too.

He did know how to dress well.

Unlike, say, uh...

Crack wise all you want about
my eisenhower jacket, dubbie,

but ??? it's named after a man

who led soldiers through harsh times
against the darkest of evils.

This jacket says something
about...

About me,

the man I choose to be.

So what does this uniform say about me,
other than you're my boss?

If you feel you need to make
a change, then make a change.

- But make it count.
- Really?

I think you've earned it.

This gazpacho is amazing.

Well, you know, making great
soup is like my mutant power.

That's your mutant power?

That, and I can
set fires with my mind.

Why? What's your mutant power?

You know what, tyler ford?

I don't think I have one.

Is everything...?

Yeah, but can you just
hold on for one...

Ok, where were we?

Like the watch is
the only surveillance we have.

Really, ida...

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