Original subtitles

I'm not spending summer vacation at the Grand Canyon.

No way.

Why not?

Think. You make us go on some long car trip

just so you can look down a big hole.

You don't want any of us standing behind you.

Ok, show of hands.

Who doesn't want to go to the Grand Canyon?

You don't want to do anything as a family? Fine.

We'll spend summer in the inflatable pool.

Ooh, show of hands.

Meeting adjourned.

See you next year.

Yeah? Where do you think you're going?

Basketball. Bye.

You're doing the dishes, or no allowance next week.

Deal. Thanks.

I guess a $3.00 threat ain't what it used to be.

Becky.

No.

They don't even try to humor us anymore.

How come I got three kids and a husband

and I end up doing all the grunt work?

The beauty is you actually grunt while you're doing it.

I want a dishwasher!

Now, we've been all through this, Roseanne.

The kitchen wasn't designed for one.

You don't have the right plumbing,

you'd lose half your cabinet space.

Trust me. I'm a professional contractor.

It can't be done.

Then I want you to build me that shelf by the door.

That's a whole other ball of worms.

You ain't got the right wall studs.

The whole unit would fall right over.

You never build me nothing.

Hey, what about this fabulous service porch

I built for your washer and drier?

Just 'cause you got tired of watching me do laundry

in the rain.

Hey, you didn't tell me the new neighbors were moving in today.

What's the story? What are they like?

I don't know.

Like you haven't been watching through the window all morning.

Ok. Well, the husband Darren, he's in advertising,

and they have this real cute little girl Tabatha,

but the wife, I don't know.

Something's wrong with her.

I think she's a witch.

Roseanne.

Hi.

Hi. Who's this?

He's Todd. He just moved in next door.

He's my new best friend.

Hi, Todd. Nice to meet you.

Hi.

Can Todd camp out in the back yard with us next week?

If it's ok with his folks.

Great. Do you have to come?

It's my tent.

It'll be ok.

Yeah. I burp real good.

Prove it.

Well, you're on, Dan.

Better hold on to the table, Todd.

You're not wearing anything flammable, are you?

No.

[Doorbell rings]

Hello.

Hi. I'm Kathy Bowman.

I'm looking for my son Todd.

Did he come over here.

You're the new neighbor. Come in...

[loud burp]

Uh, that was my husband.

Oh.

Keep your hands off him.

Uh, so is Todd here?

Uh, yeah.

Hey, Todd, your mom's here!

Hey. Hi, neighbor.

My husband Dan, my sister Jackie,

that's D.J., and you know Todd.

Mom, Mr. Conner's real cool.

Yes, I heard.

Aw, that.

I could have done better,

but I didn't want to hurt the lad.

We've got a lot of packing to do.

D.J. was just going to show me his room.

It'll only take a minute.

While you're upstairs, show him how to make his bed.

All right!

Do you want some coffee? I've got some.

I've got some fudge, too.

It's nowhere near as thick as the coffee,

but it's pretty good.

Well, uh, no. No, thanks.

Well, sit down at least.

I can only stay a minute.

So...

You've been doing a lot of work over there lately.

I hope the workmen didn't bother you.

Nah.

Except for one time they came over

and asked us to hold it down.

Your turn.

So, where you from?

Oh, uh, Chicago.

Oh, Chicago. I love it there.

There's so much going on with the restaurants

and museums and theaters.

[Achoo]

Huh? What?

I'm sorry. I sneezed.

I, uh... I'm allergic to dust.

I just dusted.

That's the only thing that makes me sneeze.

[Achoo]

You call that a sneeze?

See you later, D.J.

Bye, Todd.

Very nice meeting all of you.

I'm sure I'll see you around.

If you need anything, give us a call.

Oh, thanks.

[Stifles sneeze]

Man, she is a witch.

Now... Roseanne...

She hated my house.

She just sneezed... Sort of.

She wouldn't sit down, she wouldn't have coffee.

She wouldn't even take two steps away from the door.

So she's nervous about new people.

Why? We're fun.

Well, I don't... Maybe she was a little uptight.

A little uptight?

Man, you couldn't drag a needle out of her butt

with a tractor.

Remember, we're here because we're neighbors.

No, I'm here looking for dust.

This isn't going to be pleasant, is it?

If I find dust, know what I'll do?

I'll sneeze.

Not one of them little needle-butt sneezes neither.

I'm going to blow a lung all over her living room.

Welcome wagon. Welcome wagon.

Ohh... How neighborly.

Well, come on in.

I'll just put this in the kitchen.

Neighborly.

[Achoo]

My god, Roseanne, this is our house.

Same floor plan, same stairs, same archway.

It's the exact same house.

This is the house I could have had

if I would have married somebody better.

Thank you.

My, uh, husband's in the study.

I'll just go get him.

Study?

They turned our bedroom into a study.

Well, you turned the bathroom into a library.

Look-it! You've been lying to me for 12 years.

What?

That there is the very shelf

I told you I wanted which you says I can't have

on account of there wasn't the right studs.

Whoa, stand back. That sucker's liable to fall over.

This place is a death trap.

Hey there, neighbors.

Jerry Bowman.

Hey. Dan Conner. This is my wife Roseanne.

Great to meet you.

We lived in our Chicago apartment for nine years,

and neighbors never brought us cake.

Come on, let's eat.

Man, I just can't believe how much

your living room reminds me of ours.

Well...

Well, i-I'm not quite finished with it yet.

Honey...

Remember, f-for better or for worse.

It's a dishwasher!

Bet you tore out half the kitchen

to get that sucker in there.

Not really. I thought there wasn't room,

but then the contractor slid it right in.

Whole thing took an hour.

Was there cake?

Yeah. Come on, sit down.

Oh, uh, you know, I don't have any coffee.

Why don't we go over to our house

and I'll make some?

Boy, I'd love to, but I'm awfully tired.

Oh. Uh, well, um,

maybe we should do this another time.

I'm sorry. We should have given you time to settle in.

Yeah, yeah, we just need time to settle in,

but, uh, look, thanks for coming,

and we'll do this another time, ok?

Ok. Good night, Jerry, Kathy.

Good night, Roseanne. Good night, Dan.

No coffee, I'm sure.

She couldn't wait to get us out of her house.

Honey, honey, calm down.

You'll feel better after a good night's sleep.

Like I'm going to get any sleep

with all the noise you'll be making

building me that new shelf.

I'll try to keep it down.

I'm over at Buy 'n Bag,

so I see Kathy walking by,

and I'm her neighbor, so I wave at her.

She sees me, but she walks right by

like she doesn't see me.

So I'm standing there with my hand in the air.

Then, you know you have to wave at somebody,

so I end up waving at the produce manager.

Now he thinks I have the hots for him.

I wish I could meet a guy in management.

I just don't get it.

Her kid plays with my kid.

Her husband plays with my husband.

I don't know why she won't play with me.

You never used to worry about what people thought about you.

That's 'cause everybody likes me.

Ok, what does Dan say?

He talks to that Jerry guy.

Well, yeah. Well, he goes that

she never wanted to leave Chicago in the first place,

and she don't like it here much.

Big deal. Nobody likes it here.

That's why we watch so damn much TV.

Can I go now?

I suppose.

All right, bye. Roseanne...

Yeah?

I like you.

Oh, thanks.

'Course, I don't have to live next door to you.

Ha ha.

50 bucks. What a moron.

I didn't know it was a handicap space, ok?

That little glow-in- the-dark wheelchair

didn't tip you off?

Mom, look.

Ohh, man. It's your very first ticket.

It's just beautiful.

I'll put it up here next to D.J.'s finger painting.

What am I going to do?

Pay it.

How about if I say it blew off the window?

Yeah, that's a good one.

The judge will go for that.

Maybe it's, like, his first minute on the job.

Hi, mom. Todd cut his arm.

Oh, geez. Darlene, get me a Band-Aid.

What happened?

We were playing

down where they're building the new supermarket.

I told you not to go down there.

You could get hurt.

I didn't.

Oh, man. That's a beauty there, Todd.

You'd better go home and show it to your mom.

And tell her to dress you warm

for the camp-out tonight.

Bye.

See you tonight.

I'm not done yelling at you yet.

Hey.

I told you you're not supposed to go

to construction sites to play.

It's dangerous. You could get hurt.

But Todd's never been to one...

I don't care. That's what I told you,

and that's what you do.

Ok. I'm sorry.

Ok. Go on upstairs.

I was driving you to the mall,

so you should pay half.

That's 25 bucks.

Ok, 15.

10.

12.50.

Hmm... Nah, you pay the whole thing.

Thanks a lot.

[Doorbell rings]

Oh, hi, Kathy.

I was just cleaning up a little bit.

Todd told me he cut his arm

at some construction site.

Did you know they were there?

Oh, yeah. They just told me.

Roseanne, I left him here

assuming you'd keep an eye on him.

They took off on their bikes.

You allow your son to leave whenever he wants?

Yeah, I encourage it.

I don't know, Roseanne.

When my son takes off on his bike,

I like to ask him where he's going.

If he tells me

it's a place with broken glass

and little pieces of metal, I say no.

You come over here, but only to tell me

you're a better mom than I am.

I always know where my son is, Roseanne.

Well, I've got three kids and a job,

and I can't be everywhere, ok?

So I've got to trust my kids,

and they're still alive.

I've obviously done something right.

You're a better mother because you have more children?

Yes. I have three, and you only have one...

3-to-1, get it?

I have three, I win!

Oh, please.

You probably sneak into Todd's room

to check if he's breathing.

Yes...

Amateur.

My son could have been seriously injured today, Roseanne.

We're talking about 8-year-old boys here.

If you're going to blame me

for everything they do that you don't like,

then just don't send Todd over here anymore.

That's what I had in mind.

I'll go you one better.

I'm not sending D.J. over to your house,

because I don't need him

picking up your attitude.

Oh, and just exactly what attitude is that?

That one right there.

The one where you think you're too damn good

to live next door to me.

Well, you're not.

You're some stressed-out,

over-protective snob

who paid way too much for her house.

And how do you know...

Everybody knows.

Look, just forget it, Roseanne.

Forget it.

I don't why I'm even talking to you.

Well, you're not!

The police knew the killer was insane.

At night, he would stalk poor unsuspecting campers.

And as he would creep up upon their tents,

he would whistle.

[Whistling]

And then he'd hack them to pieces

with a machete.

Can I have machete?

No.

Well?

Did they ever catch him?

Yeah, once.

They handcuffed him,

but he hacked off his own hand to escape.

And now,

he has a hook

which he uses to kill his victims

and drag their lifeless corpses

along the bloody ground.

What happened to the machete?

You can't have one!

Anyway, he was last spotted here in Lanford.

The police have been searching for days...

[whistling]

What was that?

What?

That's the whistling killer.

Don't make a sound. We'll be safe in here.

Aah!

Aah! It's the hook!

Mom, I thought you were supposed to bring us

something to eat.

Thanks.

Did we scare you, D.J.?

Yeah. He was scared

you would hurt the hook guy.

Well, carry on.

All right, where was I?

I still don't get why Todd couldn't be here.

Well, I'm here, and we're having fun, right?

Yeah, but he's my best friend.

Well, you guys got into trouble together.

So when can we play together again?

When you can prove you won't do it again.

How can we do that if we can't play together?

Hang on a minute.

You're here.

Yeah, and I heard.

Rosey.

If I go over there,

that's like admitting I was wrong,

and I wasn't wrong.

Do it for the kids.

Oh, cut the telethon crap, Dan.

Geez, I have to go over there and eat crow?

You'll be the better person.

Oh, all right.

Well, tell him another story.

I'll be right back.

Did I ever tell you about the killer

who carried his own head around in a bowling bag?

No.

I'm a better person.

I'm a better person.

Hope I don't kill her.

Roseanne.

Hi.

Um, I came to invite Todd to D.J.'s camp-out.

Well, I don't know.

Well, I'm sure that we both said things that we regret.

I, uh...

I meant what I said.

Ok. Uh...

I regret...

What I said, ok?

Uh... Like,

D.J. really likes Todd,

and to be quite frank,

D.J. doesn't have that many friends.

Well, maybe that has something to do

with the attitude with which he was raised.

Well, now, that's something to chew on.

So, can Todd come?

Roseanne, I just wish I could be sure

that when Todd is over there,

he's receiving the same kind of supervision

he would be getting here at home.

Ok, hey, I personally guarantee his safe return.

Well, as long as you're...

Admitting that you are wrong.

Fine.

Ok.

I'll just see if Todd wants to go.

Todd...

Bye.

Well, you know, Kathy,

just 'cause we're neighbors

doesn't mean we have to like each other.

No, we don't.

We don't even have to pretend.

Oh, I know.

But we shouldn't take it out on the kids.

Fine.

Ok.

Good night, Roseanne.

Good night, needle-butt.

Thanks for helping carry this in.

Oh, no problem, neighbor.

What do you think about Lanford, Jerry?

I think it's great.

Yeah.

You know what I like best of all,

I mean, honest?

For the first time in my life,

I own a tree.

Wow.

No, listen,

I'm going to let you in on something.

This morning...

Kathy and Todd were still asleep...

I went out in the yard

in my robe and slippers,

and... honest to god...

I hugged my tree.

I'm just...

I wouldn't tell that story down at the lodge, Jerry.

Gee, that looks good.

That looks just like the one in my house...

Like... like exactly.

Yeah, I know.

Roseanne saw it there. Now I have one.

Oh.

Sorry.

Aw, you're new here.

But in a small town

when one man remodels, all men suffer.