Original subtitles

Come on! You're wide open!

Don't just stand there! Shoot the ball!

Shoot it! Shoot it! It's up!

I was watching that.

Well, now you're watching this.

Give me that.

Hey, there's no way

I'm going to be watching Italian basketball.

Oh, look. It's the spokes-model category.

YAY!

Becky, I can't see.

I'm sorry, Darlene. Am I in your way?

Well, we got a 19-inch TV,

and you got a 25-inch butt.

Well, guess we'll just have to watch my show.

Guess I'll have to tell mom I was watching first.

You're such a little infant.

You're a pezhead.

Hey, babe.

How long they been fighting?

Let's see. Darlene's almost 14 now.

[Telephone rings]

Hello.

Mother...

She was watching it first.

Yeah.

I'd love to.

Friday night?

I was hoping you'd call.

You want to buy me dinner?

Well, gee. What's in it for you?

Oh, sure, I put out. Everybody knows that.

Darlene, what are you doing?

Relax. He thinks it's Becky.

Oh, ok.

Mother!

I'll kill you, Darlene.

Let's do it on video! Sorry, got to go!

7:30. Don't dress.

You're dead.

You've been on each other's case for weeks.

Give it a rest.

Mother, she...

And so did you.

Find something to do. Go on.

And stop calling me mother.

Well, thanks for your help.

What?

You have nothing to say about Darlene?

Yes. If only she'd use her power

for good instead of evil.

The thermostat's fixed.

You just turn this little doodad here,

the basement heats up,

ready for you to resume your writing career.

I don't think I'll have time

to pursue that career,

what with my new job.

You get that waitress job?

Yes. Well, it was close,

between me and the other woman they hired.

It beats sweeping up at that beauty parlor.

I'm still working with hair,

only now it's in the food.

Come here, woman. You done good.

Well, good, then.

You must massage my feet now, knave.

And a dainty pair of pups they are.

I'll be working the dinner shift.

You got to take over around here.

I can handle it.

That means you got to feed the kids

once in a while,

maintain law and order around here,

and keep them from killing each other.

Better write this down.

Darlene's hogging the bathroom.

She's doing homework in there.

I need to get in.

Darlene's doing her homework!

Oh, honey!

Oh, it's a proud, proud day.

You want to handle this, Dan?

Nope. You start your job tomorrow,

I start mine tomorrow.

You got a job?

Yeah, I'm working in the restaurant

over at, uh, Rodbell's department store.

The... the one in the mall?

Yeah.

Where I hang out with my friends?

Yeah.

My mother is going to be there?

Yeah. It's a kick in the head, ain't it?

You've ruined my life!

You don't think I took the job for the money, do you?

[Silverware clatters]

You guys behave!

Can I help you?

Um, yeah...

Hey!

Have a seat anywhere.

You guys quit flipping them spoons!

Coffee?

Yeah, that'd be great.

You know, I, uh...

Oh, there's no cream.

Be back in just a second.

Well, I've had worse jobs.

Spoon.

Spoon.

Here you go.

Thanks.

Would you do something about those kids?

They're throwing spitballs.

I'll take care of it. I'll be right back.

You guys have got to cut this out. Ok?

Yeah, right. Yeah, right.

I'm sorry, sir. Sorry.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

You could use some help.

It's my first day.

The other waitress hasn't arrived yet.

Oh, that's a shame.

Wait a minute.

Ta-da!

We look like we were separated at birth.

[Silverware clatters]

That's your table, sis.

Jeez, they're kind of cute, aren't they?

I have a couple kids just their age.

I think I can relate to them.

Get out!

When's our dinner break? I'm starving.

I'm not hungry at all. I wonder why.

Ok.

I've got Salisbury steak and a Swiss steak.

Who gets the Salisbury steak?

I do.

Then you would be the person to ask.

Which one is it?

Roseanne!

Roseanne!

Enjoy your, uh, thing.

We're out of decaf. I can't find any more.

See, you just don't know where to look.

There. Now you're out of regular.

Hey! Hi, Becky. How you doing, honey?

Mom, come here. Come over here.

Mother, could that other woman wait on us?

No. For one thing, she's busy.

Then you'll just sip sodas for an hour

and leave her a quarter tip.

Miss, I'm waiting here.

Well, just a minute, all right?

Go have a seat. I'll be right with you.

Do me a favor.

Don't come over acting like my mother, ok?

So what, then... breast-feeding you is out?

Oh, god.

Miss!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ok, you ready to order?

I'll have a cup of coffee

and a glass of water.

You're not going to order any food?

Nope.

This ain't my table.

Do you want me to wait on your daughter?

She looks embarrassed.

Yeah, I'm real worried about her.

All right, girls. How you doing?

This is weird, Mrs. Conner,

you serving us and everything.

Just pretend like it's over at our house.

Only here they make me wash my hands

before I serve you the food.

Mother, that's gross.

She's just kidding, you guys.

Well, duh, Becky.

Lighten up, Beck.

Yeah. Lighten up, Beck. Duh.

Can we just order now?

Shoot.

A cheeseburger, fries, and...

How come you're here eating?

Your dad's supposed to be cooking for you.

Dad said it's ok.

He's ordering pizza at half time.

There's a meat loaf in the fridge.

He must've changed his mind.

Really.

Could we order now?

You'll eat what I bring you.

Just like him, sitting on his butt watching a game

while I kill myself making a meat loaf,

this time with real meat.

Becky seems like a nice kid.

Yeah, far as you know.

Having a family must be great.

Just being married is wonderful.

Are you a newlywed?

Uh-huh. Been married three glorious months.

Oh, me, too.

No. Come on, how long?

17 years.

Is it as great as the day you were married?

Oh, better!

And it keeps getting better and better and better,

until one day you wake up so damn happy

you explode!

Darlene, you're on my side of the room!

The bathroom's on your side, Gidget.

Well, that's your problem, dork.

Hey! Knock it off up there!

Hey, give that back!

Make me!

Give it back!

It was on my side.

I don't even want it in the room!

Ok! There it goes!

Hey, that's my sweater!

Yeah, well, let's see if it can fly!

You scuzz!

Dad, look!

Well, there's something you don't see every day.

Darlene, come on. That was my favorite dress!

Like I care. Ha ha!

Look at this, Darlene.

"Darlene Conner, junior basketball league, 1988."

No, no, no! MVP!

Becky, you drop that thing, and you're dead!

Oops.

You dropped it! Get it!

Hey, hey! Break!

- Ugh! - Ugh!

All right. What's going on?

I can't live with her anymore!

She started throwing things!

You two can't live together? Fine!

You don't have to.

Darlene, you're moving down to the basement.

What?

Are you kidding?

I'm sick of this.

You do nothing but fight.

You're going to live apart.

What do you think about that?

You're the best, dad.

I'll get my stuff.

And hurry it up!

D.J., go clean up your room.

Why?

I'm on a roll.

I ought to get more kids.

Hello, dear. Welcome to Conner manor,

where the children are fed, the dishes are washed,

and all is serene.

And the bras and the underpants

are all over the front yard.

Most people would have opted for a pink flamingo.

Oh, that. A minor skirmish.

I'll have the girls take care of it.

I hear you totally humiliated Becky at the mall today.

Yeah. This job's going to work out swell.

What was Becky doing eating at the mall anyhow?

She didn't want pizza.

What about meat loaf?

Nobody wanted meat loaf.

Couldn't give the stuff away.

Where are you going with that?

I'm moving down to the basement.

Whose stupid idea's that?

Mine.

Oh. I'll straighten this out.

The girls wouldn't stop fighting.

I took care of it.

By separating them? I never would have.

You told me to take charge, I did.

You going to overrule everything I do?

They're never going to talk again.

Honey.

How can you lay there and stare at the TV?

Easy. It was quiet...

Until you got home.

It would have been great having our own rooms.

I don't think we'd be this close.

Besides, we had fun.

Fun? It was awful.

You used to pour warm water on my blanket.

I thought I was a bed-wetter till I was 12.

You were no perfect sister.

You'd lock the door when I'd stay out late.

Daddy would get up, and he'd talk to me.

You started that rumor I liked Ronny Addison.

You did.

I did not! You're such a liar!

It was written all over your diary,

"Ronny Addison, I love him."

You read my diary?

No.

You read my diary!

I have to work.

Mom, I need your employee discount card.

I'm trying to work. Give me a minute.

Jackie, can I borrow a credit card?

What for?

I saw this great stereo system.

It's 1,000 bucks, so I use mom's ID,

get 20% off, then return it full price.

I do that five times,

and I can afford the system for real.

Not bad, huh?

Darlene, that's illegal.

How would you know?

What, am I sitting here in a clown suit?

Forget about it, Darlene. Run along.

We're always going to be poor.

Now, she'd need a receipt for that, right?

See? There you go. See?

See what?

Darlene walked right by Becky, didn't say nothing.

What's the big deal?

Because normally when she'd walk by,

she'd look at Becky and she'd go, "hi, geek,"

and then Becky would go, "drop dead, butch."

They'd have a relationship.

Did you ever wonder that maybe what's really bugging you

is that Dan decided to put them in separate rooms,

not you?

That is ridiculous.

No. I might be on to something here.

Somebody else is calling shots on your turf.

You don't like that.

Damn! I just may make detective yet.

And you also may be the first cop in history

to ever pay for a cup of coffee.

You're hopeless, Roseanne.

What am I supposed to do,

let Dan do whatever he wants?

Do you trust Dan?

Do I have to?

Let him do what he thinks is right.

But what if I just...

You asked him to take over, so let him!

Let somebody else do it.

I can't.

You always have to be the strong one.

I don't know how to be weak.

Wait a minute.

You're weak.

Teach me.

[Sigh]

Hi, babe.

Hi.

Hey, mom.

What's he doing up?

We made a deal. D.J. Did the dishes.

I'm letting him stay up.

A deal!

Let's go make some coffee.

It will be impossible to get him up,

and that's going to ruin my whole day!

It'll be ok.

Why would he let D.J. Do the dishes?

It's covered with filth!

Breathe! Ok.

Roseanne, I know the dishes are a mess.

I'll do them.

Now, Dan, if D.J. Promised you

he would do the dishes,

when is he ever going to learn?

Oh, my god!

Breathe!

I want to go do the dishes.

Roseanne, let him do it.

Give Dan the power over the dishes.

But he does a lousy job.

You do a lousy job.

He's going to leave spots!

You're going to watch Dan do the dishes

and not do anything!

You understand?

Want me to dry?

I'm going to leave them in the rack to air dry.

Spots.

Spots.

I can't find blankets.

Where do you keep them?

Ask your father.

Good, good.

Dad?

You going to bed already?

Bed? I'm doing math.

It's freezing down there.

You didn't come up here because you were cold.

Yeah, I did.

You're using that as an excuse

to go back to your old room, true?

No.

Are you making me move back?

I am just over here breathing with aunt Jackie.

You can stay in the basement

as long as you want... if you want.

It's kind of lonely down there,

and I would move back upstairs,

but Becky's going to say I miss her

and "dweeb dweeb dweeb dweeb."

I'll tell you what. Why don't you blame it on me?

Tell her I said the basement was too cold.

All right. Thanks, dad.

Anytime.

Becky, dad's making me move back.

Get your crap off my crap!

Thank you, thank you.

No applause.

Yeah, right. Like you planned she would get cold.

Rosie, Rosie, Rosie.

She didn't come up here because she's cold.

The basement's heated.

She needed an excuse to return to her room.

I'm surprised you didn't pick up on that,

but not everyone can be

as perfect a parent as Dan Conner.

Oh, I'm truly humbled by your magnificence.

As am I.

And you know?

I think I'll let these dishes wait until the morning.

Ladies.

I'm amazed, Roseanne.

You stayed back. You let Dan handle that.

May I do the dishes?

You've earned it.

Thank you.

Oh... Say, sis.

You might want to turn the heat in the basement up

with that thermostat there.

You little sneak!

Thank you, thank you.

No applause.

Remember how you taught me to put lipstick on?

Not on the lips, around the lips,

so it wouldn't smear when I got kissed.

God, you were stupid.

I trusted you.

Well, you were no angelic little sister yourself.

What did I do?

I start going out with Dan,

and you tell him you're my daughter.

God, he was stupid.

And what about your imaginary sister?

My imaginary sister? You made her up.

Oh, yeah. Well...

If she was my imaginary sister,

she was your imaginary sister, too.

Yeah, but she'd only talk to you.

That's because she hated you, Jackie.

Roseanne.

It was all I could do

to keep her from killing you.

Admit it. You were the rottenest sister ever born.

I don't believe I have to sit here and take that...

And neither do you, Vanessa.

Very funny.

Don't say that, Vanessa.

You'll hurt her feelings.

She likes wearing her hair like that.

Just grow up, ok?

Hey!

What'd she say about my hair?

Spoon