Original subtitles

Care for a hand-crafted cocktail? Yes.

But I'm not sure I should say the name of my drink order out loud.

Can you just drop a shot of Jager into some Red Bull?

Gotcha. And thanks for not saying B-O-M-B. People tend to freak out.

'Everyone, please take your seats immediately.' Bruce Almighty!

Oh, my God! This could be it. OK. Calm down. Calm down.

Just watch the flight attendant.

If he panics, we panic.

He's fine, see?

Yep, just writing some goodbye e-mails to loved ones

because I think this is probably really it.

Thank God I paid $45 for 30 minutes of Wi-Fi.

No!

Goodbye, world.

It's been trill.

Hallelujah!

Stewardess, I will take that Jagerbomb now.

You know what? Bombs on me!

Everybody's getting Bombed!

We're getting bombed? No, no, no, no... We're all going to die!

What?

Kay, that is the craziest story I've ever heard, and in college,

I worked at a suicide hotline. May they all rest in peace.

All of them? Like, everybody you talked to? I was asked to resign.

Let's leave it at that. Yeah, well, on the flip side of that coin,

I've got a new lease on life. And we've got a new lease

on a Nissan Leaf, so new leases all around. We got it six months ago

but he was waiting for someone to say that phrase so we could spring it

on you with a little pizzazz.

Ooh! Oh, and Kay, thank you so much for that e-mail

when the plane was going down. That was so sweet. So touching.

Thank you. I didn't realise we were such big role models for you.

I wept. Wait, everyone got heartfelt e-mails?

Dennah and I just got one asking us

to take a box of garbage out of her apartment.

Oh, no, I sent that one before I even got on the plane.

Then why didn't we get a goodbye? Cos the turbulence stopped and

the whole bomb scare portion of the flight happened and then it was all

over and I knew I'd see you again.

Thank God you're OK!

And thank you for that amazing e-mail, by the way.

A near-death experience? I can't imagine anything more horrible.

Thank you, it was pretty... Except for my day. Mm.

The guy at the juice place called me "sir", a co-worker told me I looked

like I was tired... of living.

And my waxer dropped me as a client citing "creative differences".

Zoya dropped you? You've been going to her since you were eight.

Annie had what's called baby beard.

Mine was incurable.

I'll talk to Zoya about it today at my three o'clock.

What? It's the only thing I spend money on.

Guys, my self-esteem is at an all-time not great.

Which is why, to make myself feel better, I have decided to finally

change my Facebook status to...

engaged.

I can't believe you waited this long

to let the internet know you're engaged.

To a guy with the courage of a stuntman

and the singing voice of an Aimee Mann. And from what I've been told,

the lovemaking skills of the ladies' man.

But seriously I have been saving it for a really tough day cos

I know that once I change it I'm going to get an outpouring of love

and some real sincere "you go girl" s.

Break the internet, girl. So your pal Kay almost dies,

but we'd rather go with round 17 of Annie Got Engaged. Mm-hm.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

OK.

Oh... Hey. So, no dice with Zoya.

She just will not wax you a Twin Towers Tribute.

I really can't with Zoya right now.

Babe, you have got to look at these comments.

I know it's shallow but it feels really good.

Like peeing in a kiddie pool. There is just one ex who's face I'd really

love to rub my engagement's face in.

Oh? Dr Lee. But he's not on any social media. Dr Lee?

Isn't that that douche you dated before me? Why would you care?

We dated for over a year and a half. Everything was going fine

and then out of nowhere he broke up with me via e-mail.

Subject line - "unmarriable". Unma...? No, he di'n't!

He was such a dick. Now we have to go shove our happy engagement

directly in his stupid face. How do we find him?

I may have Facebook messaged his mom. You're Facebook friends with

his mom? Sissy? No, thanks, I just went. That's his mom's name.

She wrote back and said "Mazel tov"

and that Lee is at Chicago General Hospital. OK, I'm coming with you.

What? No, we don't have to. Yes. We're engaged now.

That means your grudge is my grudge and vice a versa.

Like how you took on the grudge I had against Stevie Wonder.

Don't sit front row at major sporting events, Steve!

You could sit literally anywhere.

Hey, we're not just engaged - we're en-grudge-d. I love that.

It's almost as good as en-bagel-d. From the time we shared a bagel.

Well, come in.

I think Kay lied to us about when she sent that e-mail

and I want to know why. Her story didn't bump me but if you're curious

we could just log into Kay's e-mail and see what time she wrote us.

Wait, do you know Kay's password? I know all our friend's passwords.

Jake's is "couscous." Annie's is "Annie Gosling."

And yours is also "Annie Gosling."

I couldn't think of anything.

And... oh, my God, you're right.

Our e-mails were sent between Annie and Jake's and the Kevins. She lied.

I knew it! We have to tell her we know the truth.

That this is her last chance to get 30% off plus free shipping

on all outerwear from Club Monaco?

Oh, holster that look. I knew what you were talking about.

A guy can't make a joke any more?

That's the world you want to live in, all right!

You know, I had plans today!

This is where they said he'd be. OK, listen.

I know we hate this guy for hurting you but we're in his place of work.

Babe, I'm totally chill. I'm just going to walk in there super dignified

and show you off like the prize you are. Oh, babe. Wait.

Why are you wearing those jeans? Hm?

I told you to wear the hog-huggers. They're being re-crotched. Again?

Yeah, again. All right, let's just get in there.

Sissy? I told you, I already went. Annie! Oh, there he is!

What up, Docta Lee?

I'm not... You're not, you're not what? Dating my girlfriend any more?

Nah, because she's my fiancee now! What do you think of them apples?

Jake... No, no, I got it, it's just two dudes talkin'. Ain't that right,

DOCTOR Lee? Hey, take two of these and call me in the morning. No,

you can't cos they're mine, actually, bay-bay! Jake, no, no.

Hey, are you eyeballin' me, sucka?

You want to dace? Because my dance card is definitely NOT full! Jake!

Nah, it's cool - This... is Lee.

He's in a coma.

Oh... Oh, that's Lee.

Very nice to meet you.

Oh, my God. What happened?

19 months ago he was in a horrific accident.

Car? Bike? Zamboni.

He's the volunteer driver at the rink he grew up on.

One day, he was showboating for the kids,

doing something called Montreal Drifting, when he lost control.

He was thrown from the operator's compartment, and then...

Oh, no, let me guess. I would rather just tell you.

He was run over by the Zamboni. That's what I was going to guess.

Me too, based on the set-up.

That rink was always a part of him.

And for the entire third period of a Bantam Travel League play-off game,

he was a part of... it.

Wow. Literally. Wow, wow, wow.

I know that's a lot to take in so I'll leave you guys alone.

Thank you, Sissy. Thank you.

This is horrible. I know.

I feel so terrible. Now he'll never know that I'm engaged...

is the least of my concerns.

Cos I am so broken up about his condition from here on out.

Yeah. Yeah.

Kay?

- Kay! - I'm in the shower!

What the hell are you doing in here? You said you were in the shower.

It's like if somebody says "I'm in the kitchen" what are you going to do?

You're going to go into the kitchen and have a bowl of soup. What?!

We saw when you sent our e-mail. You lied to us. Fine!

Look, I needed you to throw that box out because there was something

in it that I didn't want anyone to find if that plane went down.

And I asked you two because I trust you the most.

Despite the fact you clearly hacked my e-mail. Oh...

you trust us. The three of us, we're like a triangle of trust. Aw, Kay.

That really makes me feel like

I want to ask you what's inside that box.

I think what Dennah means is we're both so touched

by the need to know what's in that box. Yup.

I'm too embarrassed to even tell you but thank you for taking care of it.

- Triangle of trust? - Triangle of trust.

Now, will you PLEASE get out of the damn bathroom?!

Oh, one of those kind of showers. OK.

I hated the guy but I never wanted this to happen. Agreed.

It's crazy to think this guy's never going to on a hike again or...

nobody's going to wear that sweet leather jacket again.

It's crazy, nobody thinks about the jackets, or... Nor should they.

..what happens to them. All right. Hey, let's get out of here

and chalk this up to one of our classic bad plans.

Like that time we took mushrooms and went to go see The Cove.

That totally ruined our trip to Japan.

You know what? Actually, babe...

Let me say goodbye. Yeah? Yeah.

Lee, I'm really sorry this happened to you...

before I got to tell you I'm engaged.

Annie! I'm kidding. Lee...

good luck. I really hope you get better. That's sweet. Let's go.

What's happening? I didn't touch anything. I didn't touch anything.

Wow. He's never shown brain activity like this.

Annie, he's responding to your voice! Right, Doctor?

It's always a mystery with comas. But it's possible.

Wow! Doctor, is there any benefit in having Annie spend more time

with Lee? We need to run some more tests but it's worth a shot.

Annie, would you mind staying for an extremely long period of time

and not leaving? Of course I'll stick around, out of the kindness

of my heart and not for any other reason other than that.

I don't buy this mysterious box story. Kay didn't think about us

when the plane was going down, now she's trying to cover her sweet ass.

Unfortunately, we'll never know. Now what are you up to?

You want to help me to find a dumpster to throw out Kay's box? What?!

You still have Kay's box? Let's look through it and find out if she was

lying or not. We can't do that. We are in a triangle of trust.

Does that mean nothing to you? We are NEVER opening that box.

I'll show you my boobs. Works for me.

Are we really doing this?

Yes! I came here to prove I'm marriable.

Who's more marriable than someone who can literally wrangle a human life

from the clutches of the underworld?

Babe, you're marriable cos you're sweet and you're kind

and you have the tongue of a sommelier. Thank you.

But you're telling me if said tongue could also wake a man from a coma,

that's not an added bonus? Just tell me that's not an added bonus.

Try to tell it to me. That would be an added bonus.

I just don't want you to get your hopes up and be disappointed.

Like that time we had sex at Alcatraz.

Annie? He'll see you now. OK. Well, not really.

He'll hopefully hear you.

But, again, even that's a long shot.

So I guess just come in, please? OK.

Maybe talk about some specific memories you shared. OK. Let's see.

Remember that limo ride we took after the R Kelly concert?

Oh, I don't like where this is going. Maybe a different story.

Keep going, Annie, it's working. Same story. We were drunk.

And I was wearing those undies you got me that were, how shall we say,

missing a part. I'm going to go take a walk.

Wait, Jake, it's your voice!

Come to me, Lee. Hear my voice.

Feel my power. No, Lee, come to me. Lee, I'm right here. Can you hear me?

I believe in you, Lee. I believe in you. You can do it.

I believe I can fly

I believe I can touch the sky

I think about it every night and day

Spread my wings and fly away

I believe I can soar

See me running through that open door

I believe I can fly

I can fly

I can fly...

Come to me, Lee. Come to me, Lee.

Ooh.

That voice. Who was that? It's me, Annie. No, no.

The man who sings like Aimee Mann.

That is the voice that pulled me out of the darkness. That's me!

Hey, what do you know about that?

Hey, you're dead, man. I'm God. Welcome to heaven. What?

Nah, I'm just kidding. You just woke up.

So the whole thing was very unsatisfying.

I mean, except for Lee,

who miraculously recovered from his coma, which, of course,

we're all thrilled about. Oh, yeah.

Nothing short of a miracle is what that is.

Now there's no way to sort of gracefully rub my impending nuptials

in his face so close to the coma.

Right? Mm-mm. It's frowned upon. As it should be.

So it is written, so it is done.

Hey-o, mortals. How's everybody feeling? I'm good.

I've been having these migraines but other than that I'm good. Migraines?

OK, let's see what we got. Jake, you are not a god. Of course not, honey,

I am a vessel for God.

I am not going to call myself an angel. I'll let you do that for me.

Ahh! How you feeling, Kevin?

I didn't have a headache. And you never will.

OK, I am off to the hospital. Why?

Oh, Lee wants to give me a thank you gift. You know what they say,

receiving charity is the highest form of charity.

Babe, aren't we kinda done with Lee?

I mean, even though I didn't get to gloat, I told him

we were engaged and I thought maybe we'd see him again never. Mm-kay?

Mm-kay. Or I pick up my hog-huggers at the crotch maker,

head over to the hospital, Lee sees just how terrific I am,

thus proving that not only are you marriable but you got your claws

into a life-saving dildo model.

So he's happy, you're happy, I'm happy, everybody wins.

I guess. Jake sort of has a point there, Annie.

Except I think he's getting a little carried away about what

type of model he could be. Haters going to hate.

OK, go, but talk me up.

Mention I'm still making jewellery cos Lee was sure I'd quit that.

You make jewellery? No, it's stupid. I quit that.

I don't feel great about this.

What if it's something that implicates Kay in a crime?

What if she killed Hae Min Lee?

She did attend Woodlawn High School in Baltimore.

She was friends with Jay.

Wait. What's this?

"Even Vampires Get Cancer.

"A young adult novel that gives a whole new meaning

"to the phrase 'cancer sucks'."

"Written by Brandy Lamborghini."

Who the hell is Brandy Lamborghini? That's Kay.

That's the fake name she gives to clubs, restaurants and governments.

Oh, my God! Kay's biggest secret is that she wrote a YA novel

and she doesn't want anyone to read it.

Well, I guess we can't read it.

Triangle of trust and all.

"Madonna Montalban was sick. Sick with a thirst. A thirst for blood.

"Blood cancer."

I'm hooked. Keep reading.

Hey, buddy. Did I wake ya?

Jake the Snake! You made it. Sick! What's happening, man?

Hey, man. Hey, before I forget, Annie's still making jewellery.

She still makes jewellery. Oh. That's weird.

Listen, man, you seriously saved me. So, I owe you my life.

No way! Oh, this is ridiculously...

It's ridiculously what? It's...

It's ridiculously nice.

But I intended to just simply say "This is ridiculous comma Lee."

I heard you talking about it when I was out so I got you one.

Sick, right? Dude, I have to be honest with you, I...

I wanted to hate you after what went down between you and Annie

but you're cool peeps.

You too, man.

Can I ask you one more favour? Oh, shoot, yeah. Um...

Can you teach me how to make in the toilet again?

Uh...

I mean, I feel like I already did you a huge solid.

What are we talking? Like number one, right? Number one.

Cos I'll hold your schwanz but I don't want to...

I'm kidding, OK?

Everything is working fine down there!

OK, OK! In fact, get me a hooker!

No, I'm not joking, I'm super horny.

Oh, sick.

It's so emotionally conflicting.

The vampire's bite gives teenage cancer patients eternal life.

But then they're forced to live for ever with the pain

and discomfort of cancer.

And the awkwardness of being a teenager. It's brilliant.

It's a genuine and grounded piece of fantasy vampire illness fiction.

Or... sick-fic.

Why wouldn't Kay want it out there? It's so obvious.

The teenage protagonist, Madonna, struggling with her vampire identity

is a metaphor for teenage Kay struggling with her sexual identity.

Huh. I didn't get any of that. I should give this to my friend Nikki.

She works at a big publishing house. That seems convenient.

Actually, the publishing house is all the way out in the suburbs.

Guess I could hire a messenger service or something.

Do they even have those any more? It's anything but convenient.

No, that's not... Are we really going to do that?

This is what the triangle of trust is all about - doing what's best

for each other, even when we can't see it for ourselves. True.

But you know what would really put your argument over the top? Nope.

You don't know what I was going to say.

Do you want to show me what you thought I was going to say?

Ah, fiancee-hey-hey.

What's up? Good question, considering you're four hours later

than you said you'd be and you're wearing Lee's signature

leather jacket. I'm sorry, one thing led to another and we just...

started chilling out.

He is one of the funniest guys I've ever laid ears on.

You guys are pals now? What happened to our engrudgement?

I know he used to be a jerk but he's different now, OK?

A coma can change a guy

and I'm not just talking about muscle atrophy and junk.

No, this man cannot change. He's like your mom and her hairstyle.

It just is what it is. Seems like an unnecessary shot.

All I'm saying is he is not a good guy.

Then why did he invite me to the Cubs game tomorrow? Front row!

Trust me, he's going to screw you just like he screwed me.

In the back of a limo after an R Kelly concert?

Hey, guys. Hey. Hey.

So, question -

why did someone named Nikki from Wickerpark Press e-mail me

to confirm the submission of my book

Even Vampires Get Cancer, FKA Canspires?

Huh! I didn't know you had a book.

Yeah, I didn't know vampires could get cancer.

That's a wrinkle in the mythology.

I can't believe you sent my book to a publisher.

Only because it's really good and we knew you'd never send it.

It's so good! You betrayed me! First, you lied. Then you read my book...

Wait, you guys liked it? Yes. What's your favourite part?

Were the characters likeable enough? Did the suckothon seem earned?

No, no, no, don't answer any of that - I'm pissed. Kay, it's awesome.

You're super talented. This is what you should be doing with your life.

I don't know. What if no-one likes it? Do you trust us?

Do you really trust us the way you say you do?

Yes. You have to pursue this. You recently almost died.

Would you really be happy if your legacy was simply talent agent

to body-builders? I do like repping pumpers. OK, that's fair.

But, yeah, yeah. OK.

Thank you. Thanks for pushing me into this.

I trusted you guys to do the right thing and I guess you really did.

Just think how many teenagers struggling with their "vampire"

identity you could help.

Just like how Fifty Shades Of Grey helped a bunch of fat,

middle-aged women learn to masturbate again.

Hey, I thought Lee was picking you up for the game?

He is, he's just running a few innings late.

Sure he is.

He is. "Sure he is."

See, that's him.

Yo, dude, where...?

No, I...

Oh, I guess I'll...

Why am I not finishing my...?

Well, because you're...

Yeah, no, I guess I'll see you...

..ter.

Did he ditch you out of nowhere? No, he didn't ditch me, he just had some

post-coma stuff to take care of and he couldn't make the game.

You sure about that?

Oh, come on! I woke him out of a coma!

And are those the two hookers I got him? You got him hookers?

The guy had 19 months of morning wood.

How do you even know where to find them? Huh?

You were right, that guy's the worst.

The worst! He is so bad. The worst.

But you know what? Thank God. Because if he wasn't,

we never would have met,

and I wouldn't be sitting with you right now. Oh!

You know what? We're happy together and that's all that matters.

I don't need to be bopping around town rubbing it in

a bunch of people's faces. I wish Lee nothing but happiness.

That's right. God bless Lee.

'..Lee Cowen, who just emerged from a coma.'

Oh! Oh, my God!

Yes! Take a seat, coma boy! Yeah!

Ha-ha! Whoo!

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