Original subtitles

In the past year, I've lost my job, my uncle died,

and I found a raccoon in my bed.

But, girl, this cake makes up for all that noise.

Mm-mmm...!

You're getting really good at this baking thing, man.

And that vagina cake you made for my bachelor party? Oh, my gosh!

It was as tasty as it was photorealistic.

Ew. Speaking of weddings...

Why say "speaking of" when it arguably draws more attention to

the fact that we weren't speaking of weddings?

Speaking of more attention to weddings... OK, that works.

This weekend is the Chicago Wedding Expo.

Yay!

Oh. I thought we were doing one of those everybody-says-yay things.

Jake, you are going to lurve it!

Am I? There are champagne tastings, and flower workshops,

and a seminar on how stop bridesmaids from porking out,

but stay chunky enough to make the bride feel skinny.

Here's looking at you, too.

Oh, and, Gil, they even have a wedding cake competition.

Ooh, I'm competition-ready.

I'm somewhat of a master baker.

Hold for laughs...?

Who's going to laugh first?

Hey, you know, Annie, if this wedding expo is more of a you, your dad, Gil,

your other dad, sort of thing, I'm happy to bow...

in...

which is the most respectful way to enter an expo - you bow into it.

Don't worry, Jake. I'm going, too.

You know, you and I can do some cool guy stuff.

OK. Like, making our own candles.

OK. Classic guy stuff. Classic!

Well, since I'm getting married this year, we can finally

participate in the main event -

the wedding gown GRAPPLE...!

What is that?!

Every bride brings her mum, or - in this case - her me,

and you have two minutes to grapple for any gown.

And then you can buy it for a fraction of cost.

And that grapple is for real!

Last year, a bride tore her meniscus.

I already have my gown all picked out,

and the grapple's the only way I could ever afford it.

Jake, close your eyes. I'll go one better and take a nap.

Ladies and gentlemen, a one-of-a-kind -

strapless, beaded, silk shantung Vera Wang in eggshell, not cream,

because cream is for...

Second weddings. Ugh!

My mum wore a Garfield sweatshirt to her second wedding.

Instead of cake they had lasagne.

It was a whole Garfield theme.

And, no, it didn't last.

It was also weird because she had it on a Monday.

Well, I've put in some quality time with my booze, my gals, my Gils, and my dads,

and if there isn't anything else important to discuss,

I'm going to... Annie, hold on. Come on.

We have to tell them. Fine.

Dads...

I am thinking about getting bangs.

No! Not on my watch. Sweetie, we've talked about this!

Annie, bangs changed my life.

OK, it's not about bangs. OK?

Pam contacted Annie.

Pam is the woman who donated the egg that later became the Annie.

She's in town this weekend

and she thought it'd be cool to meet up if I wanted to.

But, Dads, I will not go if you're uncomfortable.

I know you guys had a weird history.

Er, no, sweetie, it's OK.

Your dad and I knew that this day was going to come

and Pam is a part of who you are.

So we're happy for you.

Right, Kevin?

Yes.

Wow. Super convincing.

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Babe, you sure you're not nervous about meeting Pam?

No. I'm totally chilled.

You can call me a trapped miner, I'm so Chilean.

It's OK if you're a little freaked out.

I mean, you are sort of meeting your mum.

Yeah, when I met my mum for the first time, I cried like a baby.

Because I WAS a baby, and I'd just popped out of her...

I'm sorry. Kay likes to keep it light.

Seriously, Annie, are you OK?

Guys, I am not meeting my mum.

I'm meeting the woman that donated an egg that was subsequently

scienced together into a sort of soft-serve swirl

with both my dads' spunks. Wow. You sound like Grey's Anatomy.

Pam and I share DNA, but she is not my mum.

Jake and I share nachos all the time, does that make him my mum?

Well, technically, we don't share nachos.

I order them and then you eat most of them.

Hey, maybe you don't do that.

Guys. Don't worry about me.

I have absolutely zero emotional attachment to this woman.

Annie, you have an emotional attachment to drier lints.

Only the lint from the sweater that I wore the first time

I made love to this lil' angel sent from heaven!

Guys, I know that usually high-stress situations

turn me into a bit of what Oprah would call an emotional tsunami.

But, like I said, I'm totally chilled.

Hey, honey, are we out of almond milk?

I DRANK IT! I'M BAD! Oh, God, no. It's OK.

Calm, calm, calm down. It's OK.

OK, just a temporary slip-up. And I'm back.

And I'm excited to meet Pam.

So, apropos of nothing that happened in the last 45 seconds,

I'm probably going to come with you. Well, I assumed you'd come with me

to pre-screen her. Huh? You know, you meet Pam first,

check her out for any red flags,

cos if she's carrying red flags, she's insane,

or plays a ton of flag football. I'm keeping it light like Kay.

But definitely vet her.

Yeah, vet her. What, am I stupid? Come on, Jake.

I mean, act like you've helped the woman meet the woman

who donated the egg, who became the woman whose boobs you love.

What the hell are you doing?

It's a coping technique I just got from this new self-help book

called Think, Shut, Feel.

I'm supposed to think about my problem,

shut my mouth,

feel the emotion.Hm.

I don't know if you've noticed, but in certain high-stress situations

I can be a little bit of what Oprah calls an emotional tsunami.

No, Kevin, I've never noticed you were emotional,

because I don't have eyes.

You're right. We should go and support Annie when she meets Pam.

Kevin, you can't just say, "You're right"

when you have an idea you want people to agree with.

You're right. And sooner rather than later. OK, I'll get my coat.

Dammit, Kevin! You did it again.

I don't get it. How are you OK with Annie meeting Pam?

She totally stabbed us in the back. Kevin, this is good for Annie.

You have to give her the freedom to explore this.

I'm thinking maybe you might be a little threatened by Pam?

Like she's going to replace you or something?

Erm... No. I am just trying to protect our girl.

But, you're right,

I'll back off. Thank you.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm just going to go take a little walk

to celebrate my backing off.

Pam, hi. Hi! I know you're expecting Annie.

Let me explain.

I'm Jake. I'm her fiance.

And I just wanted to sit down with you, just to make sure...

I wasn't a lunatic before you let me meet your future wife?

Bingo! Well, hey, I don't see any red flags.

You look perfectly normal. Consider yourself vetted.Great.

Uh, Annie!

Ca-caw!

Hi!

Annie, this is Pam. Pam, this is Annie.

Oh, my gosh. It's so nice to meet you, Pam.

Likewise.

You seem normal. And you seem so great.

Oh.

Actually, I'm Pam.

This is my assistant.

You can go back to New York now. Off she goes!

Yeah, wow. OK. All right.

Does she even have a name?

I had her sit down with you to make sure you weren't insane.

You vetted me? I vetted you! I'm so proud of you!

God, I love your funky coat! Really?!

I had someone do my colours. I've always wanted to do that.

I suspect I'm a winter, but maybe a spring? Yes, you are.

Because you have the dark hair and then you have this beautiful

skin, like Snow White! Oh, my God!

Shut up! You shut up!

Both of you shut up!

Oh. Oh.

I was jumping in, but it's your thing and I apologise.

I'm sorry about that.

So, your family has no history of juvenile diabetes or lupus? Mm-mm.

Come on. Don't you really just wanna ask me how my boobs held up? Yes!

All I care about is if Jake's gonna want to motorboat my tas in 20?

Oh, you want a peek?

Yes! Get in here.

N-o-ice!

Babe, you're gonna be happy.

"N-o-ice".

You know, I always knew that donating my egg all those years ago,

was the best thing I could've done.

Because I took that money

and started my consulting company.

But getting to meet the person my egg became

is even better!

This beautiful, intelligent, engaging, young woman.

Aw...! You called me young!

Annie, did you order that? No.

But it's here and... we're here, and there's no better way to find out

if you've outgrown your shellfish allergy than by eating

a huge undercooked portion of it. Annie's not a send-her-food-back

kind of gal. She's more a "eat around the contact lens

"and get a corn dog on the way home" kind of girl.

Hey! No egg of mine has to eat something she doesn't want.

Take this and bring this woman her fully loaded,

family-sized tater tots. Right away, ma'am.

Wow.

Pam, you're awesome! Gosh, thank you.

She defended her egg.

What, who, where, sometimes why... Oh, my God! Look who's here!

Dads? Kevin... and Kevin.

Pamela and the daughter WE raised from birth.

Guys, listen,

I am so sorry that things went sideways with us

all those years ago.

I have matured. You're right.

It was a long time ago. Right, Kevin?

Yes.

Gosh - my dads, my egg donor, correct food order on the way...

Best night ever.

Aw!

Gil, this cake is so good I'd eat it even if I wasn't high.

I think you'll win this competition, buddy.

As if the quality of the cake has ANYTHING to do with it.

You guys are such rookies. Nobody wins by being good.

You win things by being bad.

Very bad. What?!

Maybe I am too high.

Guys, I didn't win Miss Teen Skokie by not erasing Samantha Lemon's

talent music, and not giving one of the judges a Western grip HJ

in his mum's parked Saturn. Back up, baby girl!

Did you really do all that? Were you really Miss Teen Skokie?

Yes, I was. And I did. And I would do it again.

If you're not willing to fight dirty, you don't stand a chance.

So, are you in?

No. Because you're insane.

It's just gonna be a bunch of little old ladies having a bake-off.

More importantly, what makes it a Western grip?

Wouldn't you like to know.

OK, OK! So, long story short,

never wear the same pyjamas as Rosie O'Donnell to a dinner party!

And she broke a size 13 Croc off in your ass.

The Bulls are up!

Which is not as interesting as your story about Rosie O'Donnell's...

foot. Hey, you ever seen a game from a Skybox? No.

And I'm pretending I know what Skybox is. I assume it's light blue.

Hey, James. It's Pam.

Room in the box? Great. Thank you.

OK, we're in, but we're gonna miss the first quarter. Still wanna go?

It would be great to spend more time together, but we're supposed to

go to the opening of the expo tonight.

No, sweetie, it's OK. You should go. Right, Kevin?

Right?

Yes. Of course.

Have fun, honey. And the grapple's on until tomorrow, anyway,

and that's what's really important. What do you think? Oh, gosh...

Wedding Expo? Bulls Skybox?

Oh, don't worry, Jake. The candle making is tomorrow, too.

Oh, it's tomorrow? OK, great. Then, I say, Bulls game it is.

OK.

Pam, wait!

You know, it seems like Pam has really changed, right?

Not for nothing, but your self-help technique,

it looks a lot like vogueing.

Annie, tell us about Pam.

Is she nice? Is she cool?

Is she hot?

I'm sorry. Don't answer that.

Unless you want to. Guys, Pam is incredible.

We had so much fun last night.

She came back to our casa after. We had a few drinks.

She knows so much about wine.

Did you know there are different varieties of red grapes?

Everybody knows that.Yeah.

What's really cool is that we're so similar.

We both have that level-headed, super-logical, non-emotional

businesswoman kind of vibe, like surgeons or Judge Judy.

Yeah, that sounds so like you.

Like yesterday when you cried over croutons.

They're baby bread.

Hey!

I brought bagels.

Well, I brought more bagels.

Listen, I had a lot of fun with Pam and she's only in town till Monday,

is it cool if I invite her to the expo since you guys made up and all?

Oh, of course, babe. And you think Dad'll be OK with it?

Yes. Great! I'm going to call her! OK. Thanks.

Hey, Jake, thanks for looking out for Annie during all of this.

She says it's not a big deal

but I know that meeting Pam is really important to her.

Oh, no problem at all.

You know, Pam's great and it's nice to have somebody in Annie's family

who likes to talk about sports.

Oh, you were serious.

Well, I guess you don't think the Westminster Dog Show is a sport?

Oh, you were serious.

All right, Gil. Sure you want to just go in there

and play by the rules like some kind of sissy that sits down to sissy?

Hey, standing makes me tired,

but, yes, I don't need any of your trickery.

My cake's tight.

I almost feel sorry for these little old ladies.Yeah.

You're going to be like, "Don't let the door hit you in the balls

"on the way out.

"The tennis balls on the bottom of your walker, you old bag of beans."

OK,

quite the ageist rant.

What the...

Where are all the old ladies?

Excuse me. Is this the cake competition?

Yeah, you're in the right place,

but you're going to end up in last place.

Whoa! Are you Top Chef's Michael Voltaggio? No.

I'm your worst nightmare's Michael Voltaggio

and I've won this competition three years in a row.

No-one's going to take this title from me. OK, nice to meet you.

Thank you. Well, on the one hand, I'm like, "Cool, free switchblade,"

and, of course, on the other hand, I'm like, "I'm terrified,"

and, if I had that elusive third hand,

I'd be like, "Go get Voltaggio's autograph! You still love him!"

You know how Dennah's only right once a year?

Today might be the day, big boy. Oh, God, I hope not.

Just give me the word, Gil.

Do you want to win?

Yeah, I want to win.

OK, presentation is a big part of the score. So...

Ow!

What am I supposed to do? Make a wish?

I wish to win the competition.

No! I want you to put this hair on Voltaggio's cake.

You've got to mess with his presentation.

I didn't win Miss Junior Skokie by not splashing paint

on Tiffany Stoler's poise and appearance gown.

Fine. I'll do it.

You know, you're almost as hard to follow in person

as you are on Twitter.

Wow, this place is no joke. I just saw a girl in a helmet.

What? They're allowing helmets this year?

Hey, organisers! How about you send a group e-mail

to let us know the rules have changed? Who are you talking to?

Hey, Dad! Hey! You ready? Where's Dad? Oh, he's right here.

Hey, Jake. How about those Chicago Bulls?

Yeah, how about them?

Jersey looks a little strange with a purple sweater draped over it.

It's lavender. Focus!

When that whistle blows, we are no longer humans.

We are Terminators who have been programmed

to get that Vera Wang at all cost.

Annie, you were right.

Pam is amazing and hot.

Hello, Pamela. It is so very nice to see you today.

Hello, Kevin.

Wow, I'm so proud of you. You almost sound sincere.

Hey, babe, the wedding gown grapple's about to start.

I don't want you to see my dress.

So I'm here because...

I'm the light of your life.

Have fun! Get one of these.

Jake, the candle making booth I'm taking you to

is the Michael Jordan of candle making booths.

Oh, this is it! All right! Grab your mums because we're starting

in three, two, one, grapple!

Annie! Brides and mothers only. You have to let me in there.

Break it up! Excuse me! My mum... Well, my dad, but he has

court-ordered maternal rights, he didn't make it in.

Every bride only gets one other person

and isn't that your mum over there?

Hi! What do you think about this one? Oh, my God! That's the dress!

This woman with the one-of-a-kind Vera Wang's not your mum?

Hey, lady! Put the dress back!

No, no, that's not my mum.

I mean, that woman is my mummy! There's my mummy! Hi, Mummy!

Hi! Hi!

Oh, my God! Get the hell away from my daughter!

Kevin! Did she hurt you? No! Relax!

You relax, Pam! Oh! Look!

I found it, Annie! I did! Me!

I found the Vera Wang!

Daddy found the Vera Wang!

No!

We can fix this. We can fix this. I'm sure we can fix this.

Wait! The Wang! It's ruined!

I am so sorry for your loss.

OK, buddy, you're out of here!

Oh, no! No, no, no!

Tough break on the dress.

You know, my consulting firm does some work in fashion.

I might be able to see if I can get you something similar.

Really? Yeah.

That would be amazing. Thank you.

Listen, I do feel like I need to apologise for my dad.

He's just being productive. I know his heart is in the right place.

Don't sweat it. Kevin has always been this way.Totally.

He's not tough and level-headed and logical like us.

Annie, you and I see the world in the exact same way,

which is why I don't have to sugar-coat

the real reason I wanted to meet up with you.

I want one of your eggs.

Egg? I'm sorry.

Egg? What egg, now?

I'm engaged to this terrific woman named Jean and Jean wants kids.

You know, so, we need your egg.

Oh. Uh-huh?

Oh, yeah. I'll pay you and everything.

Just think of it as a business thing.

We don't need to stay in touch or anything. Of course.

Right. Right! Because why would you want to start a relationship with me

or, like, watch Beaches over Skype together?

Beaches!

I love this. I do, I do!

And, you know, I could not like an idea more.

I'm dropping eggs every month so it's like it's no bigs,

but let's table this idea for right now.

I'm just going to run and check on my daddy-os.

I got my chequebook.

You know, I'm digging this candle making thing.

You're not that good at it.

Hey, basketball score. Two credits.

Hey, guys. Hi!

We thought we'd stop by and give you a little moral support,

plus Black Kevin loves cake.

Sorry, no morals here.

Nothing moral at all.

You know what, Kay, Dennah, I'm sorry. I can't do this.

What? Everybody, pay attention to me!

When I first entered this contest,

I had but two things on my mind

- cake

and friendship.

But, somewhere along the way,

the pubing started.

Oh, God.

I put pubes in Voltaggio's cake,

then I went over and started pubing that guy's cake.

I mean, if there's a cake in this room, it's got pubes on it.

At the height of my activities,

you would have been within your rights to refer to me as Mark Puban.

The point is - this thing shouldn't be about these devious little tricks.

It should be about the cake

and friendship.

Now, judge, just taste the cakes and...

You're disqualified.

That makes sense.

Oh, that's too bad

cos I think Gil's cake is the Michael Jordan of cakes.

Oh, God! Kevin,

what is with the jersey and the Michael Jordan references?

Well, I guess my feelings were hurt when you got so excited

that Pam got you Bulls tickets. I'll tell you what,

come over our house tonight, we'll order a pizza, we'll watch the game.

Oh, that's so sweet.

One caveat - I'm several seasons behind on basketball right now

and the only pizza I enjoy is Mystic.

Oh, Annie! What happened? Where's Pam? Did you get the dress?

Did she ask about me? You told her I'm down for whatever, right?

The only thing I got was in a fight with Dad

and a cinnamon sugar Wetzel's on the way back.

Oh, you going to be OK, sweetie? Do you want a hug from Daddy?

Could you guys do me another favour? Could you find Pam

and tell her I'm not going to give my egg? I've got to find Dad.

I will explain everything later. Thank you in advance! What?

What happened? We were literally away from her for eight minutes.

Did you put pubes in your own cake?

I wanted to keep it fair.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Dad, listen, I'm...

No, I am. You know, it's... Been tough on you too, but, listen, Pam...

Did she ask you for an egg? How did you...

She's always been... I mean... Exactly.

I thought she was actually interested in me

but she just wanted a business relationship.

Now I know how Kris Humphries feels. Pam did the exact same thing to us.

You know, when your dad and I picked her to be our egg donor,

we thought she was going to be like family

but, then, she turned it into an ugly business deal, you know,

with contracts and lawyers and shoulder pads.

It was the '80s.

Oh, baby, I'm sorry and I'm so sorry I ruined your dress.

No, I'm sorry, and, Dad,

I hope you know you're the only mum I'll ever need.

I love you. I love you, too.

Do you want a cracker? They're only 30 calories. Oh!

All good? All good.

Sweetie, I know things didn't work out with Pam the way you expected

but you should know the reason we chose her as our donor

is because we knew you would have two mushy dads

and we needed an egg with bite. Aw!

Look how great you turned out, Annie.Yeah.

Well, the hunt for the dress continues.

You know, actually, when I was being forcibly removed from the grapple,

I was able to grab this.

Oh! Pants!

I thought it was a Monique Lhuillier

but it's actually a Mo'Nique, the actress/comedienne.

It's from a line of wedding loungewear

that her former assistant had made in Canada without her knowledge

but look how snappy it is. Oh, God!

"We keep big girls comfy on their big day, girl."

The hunt for the dress continues.

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