All language subtitles for Marry Me s01e09 Test Me.eng

Ugh, I am so tired
of buying gifts for Libby and

what's-his-name's baby.

That thing's had more showers
than Gil.

Because I take baths.

Sitting in the shower
is not a bath.

Ooh, should we get them this
creepy Teddy bear nanny cam

that my ex used to have in
his bathroom I'm just realizing?

I already got this for them
for their first shower

or was that the third?

Which one had
the make your own soup?

Well, they're just super
psyched about this baby 'cause

it took them a while
to conceive, which is ironic

considering what's-his-name
is a fertility doctor.

Don't get high
on your own supply.

In this instance,
he's getting high on embryos?

I didn't think it through.

$18 for training nips?

Why do we keep going
to these people's stuff

and buying 'em stuff?

- We don't even like 'em, right?
- Nope.

- Can't stand 'em.
- I borderline hate them.

Why don't we just
stop being friends with them?

Well, actually,
we can't do that yet because...

- Tell them.
- We have an appointment

with doctor
what's-his-name this week

because Jake and I
are getting our junk tested.

- [Gasps]
- We have decided to start

thinking about talking about...

Being prepared for a time
in the future when we may

want to consider starting
to talk about having kids.

Yup. That's the language
we landed on.

- Congratulations.
- Wow.

Yeah, you know, I mean,
we're both north of 30.

don't have to define
that any further.

- I don't want to.
- And getting an appointment

with doctor what's-his-name
just seemed like

a good precaution
for when we are ready,

so that kid'll
conceive up real nice.

Yeah, and don't worry, guys.

I will give you a full report
on my man chowder next week.

Well, I sincerely
hope it's not Manhattan.

- Guys, I also have huge news.
- Oh.

I'm getting
a new driver's license.

- Oh.
- Yeah, can't tell you

how important this photo is,
gang.

So what do you think?

Down with beachy waves
or more of,

like, a classy up-do?

Whoa, what the hell
is that on your neck?

What do you mean?

Oh, my god. What is that?

It's definitely something.

I mean, it could be nothing,

but that kind of nothing
is usually something.

You should get it checked out.

Really? I'm sort
of in between insurances.

At the shower, why don't you
have doctor what's-his-name

take a look at it? Yes, perfect.

He'll probably tell me
that it's nothing.

I know we all keep throwing
around "what's his name",

but what is his name?
Ooh, Dr. Berman.

- What's his first name?
- I want to say Henry.

So wait, none of you
know his name either?

I didn't catch it at first,
and then I felt bad.

So I've just been
going heavy with the "doctor",

and "doc",
and "dock, dock, who's there?

It's you,
'cause you're a doctor."

And here we are 11 months later,

- and I got nothing.
- Wait a second.

It's mark. No, Steve.

Or Steve? Steve.

Glen.

Maybe. Ben or Barn.

- Is it Barn?
- No. Is it-could it be Bourne?

I don't think it's Barn.

Marf? [Ding-dong]

Is his name Marl?

Ooh, ah.

Is there a world where his name
could be Resident?

I'm kidding, of course.

"Resident."
Dr. Resident Berman?

Hey!

Jake, Annie, Dennah, Kay, Gil.

- The good doctor.
- Doc Hollywood.

Doctor Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde.

Paging Dr. gorgeous.

All:
doctor's in the house

You got some mail. Yeah.

[Whistling]

- And this is the nursery.
- Oh, neat.

You guys are really leaning
into the owl theme.

Owl sheets, owl humidifier.

Taxidermied owl staring
menacingly from that branch.

- Ah.
- Well, this was the owl room

before we got pregnant,

and we were just like, "hey,

if it ain't broke..."
Well, that tracks.

Oh, Annie, will you help
me cut the owl cake?

Whooooo wouldn't want
to help with that?

Sorry, that was really stupid.

No, I love comedy.

- She really does.
- Mm.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you doing?
What? It's after 1:00.

You got a sperm test
coming up tomorrow, man.

Those little guys
can't swim under the influence.

They're not Michael Phelps.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't know that.

Alcohol can seriously
affect your numbers.

You drink a lot?
Ah, one to two beers

two to three times a night.

Ooh, I'm really glad
you're coming in.

If there's a problem, it's best
to find out as soon as possible.

Wait, what do you mean,
a problem?

Oh, standard unusable semen
stuff.

People are always so worried
about the woman's eggs,

but most of the problems
I've seen,

they've been on the guy's side.

I blame the whole cell phone
in the pants thing.

- Well, that and weed.
- Oh, boy.

Not to mention poor diet,
high testicular temperature,

lack of exercise.
Do you work out?

Yes. Yes, I do. I ride a bike.

And do you wear
the proper spandex shorts?

Of course.

- Ugh.
- Oof. Again.

Tight pants and bike seats

just are a recipe
for a semen funeral.

I mean, seriously, picture,
like, a mass grave of semen.

I don't want to do that.

I'm sorry!

I'm freaking you out.
A little bit.

I'm freaking you out. I'm sorry.

Libby says I've got

the worst bedside manner.
She's right.

Listen, the important thing is

whatever happens
with the results,

you're gonna be fine as long
as you don't blame each other.

But I mean, you guys communicate
really well, I can tell.

Listen, I will see you tomorrow.

In the meantime,
do yourself a favor.

No yanky the tanky.

Okay, thanky.

You need a full load.

Oh, hey, honey bun. Mwah.

You should see
what Dennah got us.

- Oh, yeah?
- It's a bath towel.

However, when worn correctly,

it gives the impression
that our baby is an owl.

Ah!
What will they think up next?

Hey, Dr. Berman.

Please, that's my mom's name.

Call me Dr. Berman.

Quickie doctor question for ya.

I got this skin thing
on my neck, and...

I'm gonna stop you
right there.

I'm a reproductive specialist,

and rarely are reproductive
problems located on the neck.

Not to mention
I'm about five bellinis deep

right now, so I'm...

Oh, well, I'm sure
it's probably nothing anyway.

I wouldn't be so sure.

Some nothings are actually
something.

I would definitely get it
checked out.

Hey, bellini lady.

Oh, me too.

Hey.

Okay, doctor what's-his-name

just pointed at me
from across the room

and said, "I can't wait
to get a look under your hood."

- What?
- And I'm gonna say...

I'm gonna say what everybody
else is thinking.

That baby looks like a pile of
wet wash cloths with beady eyes.

Yeah, it's like, "honey,
I shrunk the don Rickles."

Totally.

Let's just
take this fertility test,

and never hang out
with them again.

Yes, totally, absolutely.

After Tuesday, it's like,

"see you later, weirdos."

Yeah, you mean Monday.

Tomorrow. Yeah.

Wait, what?

Tomorrow?

No, my tomorrow's packed.

I can't do... I can't do it
tomorrow.

I'm... I swear
you told me Tuesday.

No, it's always been Monday.

Huh, that's so weird. [Laughs]

Isn't that weird?
Well, we'll have to reschedule.

That's fine. Oh, but wait,
we're about to hit Autumn,

and you know my autumns.

- They're packed.
- Wait, Jake,

it's so hard to get
an appointment with this guy.

What do you have tomorrow
that's so important?

I'm... out of town, you know?

I-I need to take my mom's car...

[Deep exhale] To Detroit.

What? Wait, what is happening?

Like, two minutes ago,
I left you here.

You were really excited
about taking the test,

and now, you're...
No, I'm super excited.

I just can't do it tomorrow,

and I'm gonna own that,
you know?

And honestly, I'm stick
to my stomach about it.

I am sick to my stomach.

I could just vomit
into this crib,

and there's a version here
where you don't even have

to be angry at me because I
am so angry at myself right now.

I'm like, "ah, Jake, why you
gotta be such a so-and-so

and this and that," you know?

And I hear you loud and clear,

and message received, and, like,
"bad, Jake.

What's the... how... just
start writing things down."

That's the thing,
I think, you know?

Just get a... put things
in a Google doc.

What?

Tonight, at 11:00,
the world's deadliest sniper

finally breaks his silencer.

Oh, my god.

The news has been so good
lately.

Yeah.

Annie, what's wrong?

Jake's acting weird,
and not his usual

shame-eat-a-lean-cuisine
in-the-middle-of-the-night-

then-hide-the-plastic-tray
in-the-bathroom-garbage-weird.

Like, weird, weird.
Yeah, 'cause that first one

was totally normal weird.

Well, we were in the nursery,

and he seemed excited
about this fertility stuff,

like, taking the next step.

But then I
leave for two minutes,

and when I came back,

he said he's busy
the day of the appointment.

Well, maybe the baby shower

made him think about kids,
and that freaked him out.

I think doctor what's-his-name
said something to him,

and I wish I could figure out
what it was because then

I could fix my guy.

Well, baby girl, why don't you
just look at the footage?

What do you mean? What footage?

If he was in the nursery,

then so is the creepy nanny cam
I gave him two showers ago.

Yes. Oh, my god, yes.

Instant replay like on sports.

Here, call Libby.

[Phone beeping]

- Hello?
- Libby, libbster, liberace.

Hey, girl, it's Annie.

I just wanted to say
we had the best time today.

It was a real hoot,

and, yeah, pun intended.

Annie, you using that owl pun
means the world to me.

Aww, any whoooo,
seriously, somebody stop me.

- Stop.
- All right.

Well, sister to sister, do
you ever feel like emotionally

your man is clamming up,
and you don't know why?

Oh, been there city.

Population: Me every day.

You know, one time...
Yeah, totally.

The thing is I think the answer

to my problem might be found
on your nanny cam.

Any chance I could get
my peepers on that old thing?

Of course!
You know what's funny?

We are gonna watch the nanny cam
ourselves after dinner.

We just want to see everyone's
great candid reactions

to the owl nursery.

So I'll be sure to pay special
attention to the Jake scenes.

Cool, cool.

Talk to you later, liberace.

Get your damn purse.
What's happening?

They're about to watch
that tape.

- We got to go now.
- Why?

I may have said
some terrible things about her

and her baby and her husband,

and Jake may have called
her baby don Rickles,

and as I'm saying that aloud,

I realize I should've piled on
with don wrinkles.

So you're saying if someone
spit out a bad bite of steak

tartare into a baby blanket
and stuffed it behind an owl

themed dresser,
that would also be on that tape?

Of course
that's what I'm saying.

- Then let's go get the tape.
- One gumball for the road.

- We don't have time!
- For the road!

No!

Okay, so I did some research,

and I found out a bunch
of ways to up my sperm count.

Just want to be on record...

I don't love having a public
in-depth about your sperm,

but I'll do it
because I owe you from that time

we had a public in-depth
about my sperm.

Thanks.
It should be pretty easy.

Just have to stop drinking, then
hang upside down every morning

for about a half an hour,

eat 11 avocados a day,

switch to boxer shorts despite
the unsightly boxer lines,

and then just act like I'm busy
for eight months to a year

until I can pad my stats
sufficiently.

Sounds reasonable.

Barkeep, can I have another
bag of ice for my balls, please?

Thank you.

Buddy, if you're worried
about your sperm count,

why not just go
to the appointment where

they'll let you know
if you should be

worried about your sperm count?

Be on my side, bro.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
my bodega lady

has promised to practice
santeria on my genitals.

Do you approve of that?

Sure?

Oh, my neck thing
still hasn't gone away.

I yelped the dermatologist
what's-his-name suggested.

He's, like, 3 1/2 money signs.

What am I,
made out of money signs?

Let me tell you.

My uncle, Jim didn't get
something checked out once.

Two weeks later, we buried him.

To be fair, the thing he
didn't get checked was his oil,

and we were burying him in sand
up to his chin

on a family trip to St. Thomas.

So he's all right?

Sadly, no.

He did pass away soon after.

- Cancerous mole.
- Oh, god.

Yeah, he was driving
his beloved pet mole to chemo

and he got in a huge car wreck
and died.

Long story short, he should've
gotten his oil checked,

and you need to pony up

and get that thing checked.
Oh, no.

- Ring the doorbell!
- I've been to a house before!

- Just...
- [Whispering] You ring it!

[Ding-dong]

[Frantic whispering]

- Hey, hey.
- Hey.

Did you guys
watch the nanny cam video yet?

- Uh... no.
- No, not yet.

- We brought raw toast.
- It's just bread.

[Both laughing]

May we come in?
You are so sweet.

So I'm sorry,
what are you guys doing here?

You guys are new parents,

and you're so busy.

We just wanted to bring
you some food.

- Oh.
- Bread for us?

Okay, I'll be honest.

We have an ulterior motive.

We just had to get one
more glance at that sweet pea,

- cutie Booty back there.
- Aww.

- I understand.
- So why don't you

all get up on that toast
while we go peep that thing.

Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh!

[Laughter]

It's right there,
it's right there.

Hey.

Oh! You guys are coming too.

Well, hey, more the merrier.

Annie,
why don't I hold your backpack

while you do one
of your famous blessings

on the baby.

I'm wearing this backpack

because we just came
from some light camping.

They didn't ask us
any questions.

Well, sometimes,
I think it's good to explain.

Okay, so one
of my famous blessings.

There's so many.
It's like, which one, you know?

I'm like, "I could do that one"
or "I could do that one."

Okay, you know what? I'm gonna

need both the parents to step
over here facing me, of course.

[Baby fussing]

- Aww.
- Isn't he adorable?

Okay,
now please close your eyes.

Keep 'em closed.

Libby, I'm watching you.

Okay, I will now lay hands
on the child to bless it,

not strike it.

Dear lord, hey, what's up?
[Giggles]

Hey, hey, lord.

Lord beeth with us

as we calleth upon thee
to bless-eth this-eth baby.

Lord... lord

please be with this child
and his mother

and his mother's milk.

Milk, lemonade,
around the corner,

fudge is made.

Yes, yes, yes.

Lord, if you see something,
say something.

- [Clattering]
- Oh!

Baby, baby. [Snaps]

What a cute baby.

[Snaps] Ooh, baby, baby.

Ooh, cutie baby.
Ooh, baby, baby.

You pushed it.
You pushed it real good.

[Laughter]

All right,
I think that's enough, guys.

We have to leave at some point.

But amen and hallelujah.

-
amen

-
in the water

We're Jewish.

Everyone's always worried

about the woman's eggs,

but most of the problems
I've seen,

they've been on the guy's side.

I blame the whole cell phone
in the pants thing.

Oh, no. That's what happened.

What's-his-name
scared my little jakey,

and now he thinks he's not gonna
be able to have kids.

Aw, sweet baby's scared
his glue don't stick.

And that's what he didn't want
to tell me. Oh, my god.

You just need to talk
to your maybe baby daddy.

I do.

And is it just me

or do we look really good
in this grainy footage?

Oh, my god, so good.

You should make a sex tape.

Absolutely.

- I should direct it.
- No, thank you.

- Hello?
- Oh, Gil?

Where is Jake?

I don't know.

Gil, I know you know.

Actually, you don't know I know.

You can't possibly know
what I know or don't know.

Okay, please, look,
it's really important.

Jake's upset,
and I finally figured out why.

Fine, but you can never
tell him I told you.

We did not have
this conversation.

Of course.

He's right here.

Hey, get that semen zapper
away from my girls, man.

- [Whispers] It's Annie.
- [Whispers] What, Annie?

- She's on the phone.
- I don't want...

Take the phone!
It's your fiancee.

[Frantic whispering]

Ow! Ah, ah, ah.

- You okay?
- Get away from me!

Hey, Annie.

I'm sorry, babe,
I can't hear you.

Mom just rolled down a window.

Okay, honey, please come home.

Ah, I wish I could,

but I'm halfway to Detroit.

Do you want me to pick you up
anything?

Property?

Look,
I saw the nanny cam footage,

and you do not have to go
to that doctor's appointment.

Just please come home.

Wow, that's a deep
crotched pant.

I feel like a webbed toe.

Oh, babe, come here.

Babe, I know you're scared
your junk might be junky,

but I'm scared too.

I mean, what if it's me
that can't have kids?

What if I find out it's just
tumbleweeds down there?

It seems like more
of a grooming issue, but...

Yeah, I mean, I could use just
a general scale back down there.

There is a lot going on,
but I like it.

Honestly, there's more a chance

that I'm the problem, anyways.

Well,
that would be my fault too.

I mean, the only reason
we're in this hypothetical mess

is because I waited so long
to start thinking about talking

about being prepared for a time
when we may want to get engaged.

So if either of us
can't have kids,

it's probably because of me.

What? Jake, no,
we're engaged now.

If there's a problem,
then it's our problem,

and we'll figure it out
together, right?

Right.

I'm sorry I've been
acting so weird lately.

I mean, what can I say?

It's my testicles.

I wish you could see them
the way I see them.

I wish I could too.

So how sorry are you?

- I'm very, very, very sorry.
- Very sorry.

- Yeah, really sorry.
- Yeah? Then why don't you

whip it out
and make it up to me?

Done and done.

- Hello.
- Hi, sir.

We're here to see Dr. Berman.

- Dr. B.
- Well, great.

Which Dr. Berman?

- Which doc...
- There's a few.

Oh, come on!

Which doctor...

- Okay, directory.
- Wow.

- Lots of bermans.
- Wow, wow, wow.

- Todd Berman, Berman podiatry.
- Babe, we know it's not that.

No, it can't be that.
Sherry Berman.

- Mike, Mike Berman.
- Mike Berman.

It's totally Mike.
It sounds so right.

I swear I said "Mike"
at some point.

- You did.
- I did.

- You did.
- Michael.

Yeah, Dr. Michael Berman.

Hello.

- I'll be with you in a second.
- Okay.

What are you here for?

Here to give a sample.

Got to get my boys checked out.

Well, cups are in the restroom.

Leave it on the counter
when you're done.

Thank you.

- Well, wish me luck.
- Good luck.

Yeah,
I need a little inspiration.

Get out of here, buddy.
You're on your own in there.

- Just one little shot.
- No.

- Please?
- All right.

- Yeah, okay. Let's go.
- All right.

- [Thwack]
- Both: Ooh.

- I'm gonna use that.
- Okay.

[Baby crying]

All right, let's go.

All right, Tyler, get the seat.
Time for the doctor, kids.

Uh-oh.

This is a pediatrician's office.

Jake? Jake.

Jake, please open the door.

Oh, the guy's got an amazing
physique for a piano teacher.

Jake, please open the door.

Jake, please open the door.

Please...
- Ma'am!

Oh, don't worry.

Kids lock themselves
in there all the time.

No. Jake, open the door.

Thank you, thank you. No.

We're all set. We're all set.

Uh, pardon me.

- Oh... ha ha!
- Jake!

- Please listen to me...
- Hey, little buddy.

Oh, occupied!

Occupied!

Why is there a clown in here?

- Wow.
- Wow is right.

Question:
Why did you take your shoes off?

I like to get comfy,
and I'm riddled with shame.

Hey!

Hey, doctor, you.

The one and only Jake and Annie.

There you guys are. You're late.

There you are,
one of the many Dr. bermans

in this building alone.
I know, it's crazy, yes.

There's, like, a dozen of us.

Annie, Jake, doctor.

- Doctor.
- Doctor.

Wait,
what are you guys doing here?

Well, Dennah needs to get
her death neck checked out.

Obviously, we're all on pins
and needles.

Sold two of my bags
and my favorite air Jordans,

but I got to put
my health first.

I'm kind of scared.

That's what you
were talking about yesterday?

- Yeah.
- Hmm.

Uh... I'm pretty sure

that is just dirt, yeah.

- What?
- No.

- Dirt?
- Uh-huh.

I don't accept that,

and I won't allow it.

Classic Dennah...
Freaking out about nothing.

You're the one who made me
freak out.

Damn it, Gil.

Not for nothing girl,

but you should shower more.
I shower a lot.

Showering is my favorite,

but I'm using this new
organic soap-free body wash.

It's basically just spring water
and yam zest.

I should probably switch back
to a bar of soap.

You probably should, considering

you almost
got a biopsy on schmutz.

I got to see if I can buy
my air Jordans back from Kay.

I'm sorry, Dennah, wait up.

I said I was sorry!

So this is big.

You guys ready to do this?

Yes, we're ready.

Can't wait.

Here we are.

- [Whispers] Jake, Jake.
- Of course, Jake Berman.

[Whispering] What? Jake.

Jake Berman.

Hey, Jake, Jake.

I'm sorry, have you not known
my name all this time?

Yeah, no. Uh...

No, what's the right answer?

Wow, guys.

Does that mean the appointment is off?

Wow.

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