All language subtitles for Marry Me s01e05 Thank Me.eng

Okay, everybody.

Look at this sweet little baby
I just picked up. Ooh!

- Ha ha!
- Ooh!

A cornucopia is
a traditional... I don't know.

I really just don't know
what it is.

I know it's used
for thanksgiving,

Which is why I want to use it
here when we...

[imitates trumpet fanfare]
host our first thanksgiving!

What? No, no, no, no,
my mom always hosts.

And she hosts the crap
out of it, by the way, you know.

Her "gwavy" is "subwime."

Her "tuwkey" is
a "wittle swice of heawen."

That is not a good look, buddy.

"Agwee" to "disagwee."

Jake, since we are now
"engagedlyweds"...

Give it a chance... we need to
start hosting things ourselves.

Growing up, I never had
a normal thanksgiving.

My dads always took us
to "ibitha,"

And eating turkey fajitas
to thumping techno music

Is not as charming as it sounds.

It sounds like a damn nightmare.

Jake, please, I really want
to host this, like,

Norman Rockwell-esque
thanksgiving,

Where I come out, and I'm
holding the turkey like this,

And everyone's like,
"oh, my god, how does she do it?

"She makes it look so easy.

"She's like Jackie O.
Meets Murphy brown

With, like,
Jennifer aniston's arms"...

Or whatever stuff you guys want
to say in the moment.

Is Jen pregnant, or isn't she?

I feel like she's just toying
with me at this point.

Please, it will be really fun.

We can cook and watch
those sports games,

And all our friends
can pitch in.

Cheese and crackers!
I call cheese and crackers.

Yes! Easiest dish!

- Napkins!
- Damn it!

- Ice!
- Man alive!

- Do those really count?
- See?

Half of the work
is already done already.

This thanky-G is gonna be
a piece of "C."

What are you talking about?
Zero of the work is done, okay?

I mean, Annie,
you're crazy if you think...

That I'm not on board
with what you want to do,

Because I totally am.
Aw. Thank you.

But let's figure out how we're
going to handle your mom,

Because I think
it should be delicate.

We should probably tell
her together,

Most likely somewhere

Between her third
and fourth gin and tonic.

Yeah, totally.
No, she'll be fine.

She'll be good.
I mean, it'll be great.

It will be good.
It'll be "grood,"

You know,
so really, really "grood."

- "grood"?
- She'll be really "grood."

[whistling]

Wow, mom. Another amazing meal.

I mean, you sure know
how to fricassee a rabbit.

That was a rabbit?
My favorite animal.

You know, if I had my way,

You two would have dinner here
every night.

- Oh.
- Except Saturday,

When Cici has her bath.

- Aw, little Cici.
- Aw, little Cici.

- Oh, little Cici.
- That little dog...

It always looks so hungry.

I can see through the flesh
on her legs.

Yeah, she's more eel than dog.

But beautiful,
just a beautiful specimen.

- [chuckles]
- so, uh, what else?

Anybody else got anything?
Oh, Jake!

Didn't you have something
you wanted to talk about?

Mm, honestly, not really.

I mean, we covered the rabbit.
We talked about the dog.

- I'm good.
- Nothing else?

- Hit it.
- [laughing]

Okay.

So, Myrna...

Thanksgiving is coming up,
and you always do

Such a beautiful job hosting.

- Oh...
- but we were thinking,

This year...

This year...

I have a bathroom emergency.

Excuse me one second.
I'm so sorry.

Okay, you are classy
till the end, Jake.

- You were saying?
- I was saying, Myrna...

Or mom-Na... can I call you that?
Mom-Na?

Let's just stick with Myrna.

How would you feel
about maybe Jake and I

Hosting thanksgiving this year?

Oh.

Oh?

- Oh.
- Oh?

- Oh.
- Oh.

Oh, yes, oh, as in
"oh, what a good idea."

It'll be so cute.

Great.

Great.

- Great.
- Great.

- Great!
- Great!

Great! Oh, you figured out
the whole thanksgiving thing.

I'm sorry, I wish I was here.
I always miss the good stuff.

But you have to let me
contribute in some way.

- Oh, mom, don't be silly.
- I know.

Why don't I get you
a dining-room table?

Your empty dining room
makes me sad.

Oh, I don't want you to be sad
when you come to our house.

No, come on. Oh, thanks, mom.
That's so sweet.

Isn't that sweet, Annie?
So sweet.

It's crazy how sweet it is.

Getting a table out of the deal.

Pfft, napkins and ice.

You two women should be
ashamed of yourselves

For taking those ideas
before I thought of them.

Hey, napkins are a lot harder
to buy than most people think.

Ooh! There they are.

Oh, hello.

All righty, ready when you are.

You're taking
American cheese singles

To a holiday dinner party?

Was the last thanksgiving
you went to

Hosted by a garbage pail kid?

Ha ha. You're hilarious, Kay.

But you know you're not supposed

That the garbage pail kids
are real.

God.
Talking to you is not great.

Couldn't help but overhear
that you might be in the market

For some cheese.

- Yeah.
- How formal is your soiree,

On a scale from governor's ball
to tete-a-tete?

It's casual,
but there will be pants.

Okay, here, why don't you try
some easy-going Gouda?

Mmm, that is easy-going...

Smokey, rich, hint of cocoa.
Uhhuh.

Just a kiss of... Walnut?

Wow. That is quite a palette
you have there.

Could I interest you
in something a little stronger?

Sure, I got nothing else
going on.

Okay.

Here, try this. Be careful.

It's pretty intense.

Mmm. Well, that's very nice.

I'm tasting the wet earth
of a cave?

Oh, my god. That is incredible.

That is a cave-aged reblochon.

You know, I don't throw
this word around a lot,

Mainly because
it's a little silly,

But you are what we
in the cheese community

Like to call a prodi-cheese.

Wow. That's the first
compliment I've gotten

In 11 weeks.

Listen, uh,

There's only so much I can serve
during the day,

If you want to taste something
really special,

Come back after hours.

You know I'm not gay, right?

Not that I have an issue
with that kind of thing.

Frankly, if I was gay,
you'd probably be my type.

I mean, we clearly have
a rapport going here,

And I am pretty lonely
these days.

- Not gay.
- Great!

- Okay, great.
- Yeah.

I'll see you tonight.

Well, that was
a freakin' nightmare.

Wait. What?
What are you talking about?

Not only is she totally cool
with us hosting,

But she's also buying us
a table!

I mean, you yourself
said it was sweet.

Aw.
Simple, pretty, blue-eyed Jake.

- Thank you.
- Don't you get it?

The moment you proposed,
your mother and I entered

Into a lifelong chess match

To determine who is the most
important woman in your life.

- You did?
- The war between wife

And mother-in-law is a tale

As old
as everybody loves Raymond.

What? No, honey, I think
you've got it completely wrong.

I mean, my mom is known
for three things...

Her sweater sets,
her generosity,

And keeping our house at a cool
66 degrees, and that's it.

Didn't you see
what she just did in there?

She sacrificed
her thanksgiving-hosting rook

To king my queen in the dining
room with a candlestick.

That analogy is barely chess.
It's mostly checkers.

And you sprinkled in
a little clue at the end.

It's the last great
board game, and I love it!

Well, I think trivial pursuit
would have

Something to say about that.

Look, this table
is about more than a holiday.

It's permanent, and it's
chock-full of judgment about me,

About my table-buying abilities,
and if we accept it,

Every dinner we host
will only be because of Myrna.

Every zappos box
and piece of mail

Will only have a place to sit
because of Myrna.

Every time we have sex
on that table,

She'll be there,
judging my technique.

Well, your technique
is flawless.

Look, I just really want you
to be on my team with this one.

It is really important to me

That we do
this thanksgiving ourselves.

Okay, yes, of course, sure.

I mean, what am I thinking? Yes.

You can tell my mom that you
don't want the table.

- Ooh.
- What? Oh, no. I-I'll...

Well, how about I call her?
I'm gonna call her.

I'll call her up,
and I'll just tell her

You don't want the...
I don't want the table.

Great news, dads... I am finally
hosting my first thanksgiving.

Oh, my god,
sweetie, that's amazing.

Of course we'll be there.

Your first thanksgiving
hosting as a couple...

It's going to be so precious.

And remember, baby,
just brine everything.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Damn it. What about "Ibitha"?

- It'll "beeth" there next year.
- Oh.

Well, I did it.

I told my mom that we
didn't want her to buy us

A dining-room table,

And she said
she was totally cool with it.

Really? What did she say,
like, word for word?

Word for word... well, she said,

"I can't wait
for Thursday, sweetie.

I'm sure it's going to be
the best thanksgiving ever."

Well... [applauds slowly]

[sighs]
slow clap... why the slow clap?

Damn it, she's good.

She really raised the bar.
"best thanksgiving ever"?

So now I literally have to pull
off the best thanksgiving ever,

Or we will all die.

Die? What? I'm confused.

I thought thanksgiving
was supposed to be

About celebrating family.

No, it's about
who celebrates family better.

Okay, I think
you're overreacting.

Okay, Jake, you know what?

Myrna thinks she's got me backed
into a corner, but, no, no.

Nope. No.
I ain't going out like that!

[cypress hill's
I ain't in' out like that]

- What's happening?
- It's my voice-activated sonos,

But luckily, it's perfect music
to get me pumped up

While I show you this
dining-room table and chair set.

Wow, hand-carved mahogany?
You sure?

I mean, the only
hand-carved wood that we own

Is a pipe that we smoke out
of occasionally, not habitually.

- Best... Thanksgiving... Ever.
- Okay.

The only thing we have to do now

Is look up
Th Myrna would never attempt.

Take my sweaters
out of the oven,

And I'll work
on a shopping list.

-
Billy ray cypress hill

This whole thing is nuts.

Annie thinks she's in some sort

Of weird thanksgiving
thunderdome with my mom.

She's sending me all over town
to get these weird ingredients.

Look, tread lightly here, man.

You play this thing wrong,

You're gonna end up
a divorced orphan.

So, in your scenario,

The woman I'm not even
married to divorces me,

And my mom is so sad
that she dies?

More or less.

Hey, where are we, anyway?

I thought we were
going to a bar.

You know, it's like a bar...

For illegal cheeses.

They call it a "speakcheesy."

So you're still
just kind of circling

Around rock bottom, huh?

[whispering]
so glad you could make it.

[normal voice] is he cool?

Not since he got engaged,
but he won't tell on us.

[both laugh]

All the secrecy
is a little silly, I know,

But the FDA prohibits the sale
of certain foreign cheeses

Aged fewer than 60 days
for "safety reasons."

Sure, there's a chance
of listeria,

Which can cause sepsis
and meningitis.

Americans can be so provincial.

Here, try this raw Camembert.

No, I'm good. Thank you.

Don't be so provincial.
Very American that way.

I was born in Canada, you know.

Well, close to Canada...

Here in Chicago, actually.

Mmm. Mmm! Oh, my god.

So milky and sweet and young.

It's like licking
a newborn calf.

- This is ridiculous.
- Hey!

I'm finally good at something.

I don't make fun of you
for loving Annie.

- Hey, well...
- it's a raid!

- Go!
- What happened?

- What's happening?
- Come on!

- What's happening?
- We got to go!

We got to go now!
What's going on?

What's happening?

Who were all those people?

I don't know.

We gonna smoke this thing
or what?

Oh.

I mean, Jake thinks
I'm overreacting, but...

Annie, she said,
"best thanksgiving ever."

Yeah, the only way
to interpret that is,

"die, bitch." - right?

I mean, I just wish
he would get on my side.

He's making me feel crazy.
Oh, I hate that.

The last time a guy
made me feel crazy,

I broke into his house,
switched all his pills around,

And gave his dog up
for adoption.

Dennah, that is crazy.

I know.
That's why I didn't do it.

The worst part about this is
that Myrna is an awesome cook.

Jake won't shut up about her
stupid "dewicious" food.

But you know what? I am just
gonna go super gourmet on this.

She's not even gonna know
what hit her.

Uh, try this.

- Wow. That's delicious.
- I want to try!

That's the only bite I made.

- Took me six hours.
- Okay.

But, okay, if we have
eight people tomorrow

And everybody has two bites
for dinner,

That'll just take me
another 144 hours.

- Mm, baby girl.
- Oh, god,

What's happening to me?

[imitates turkey gobbling]
ha ha.

Hey! Ah, there's my little
Rachel ray of sunshine.

Oh, wow. Did you catch
and kill the turkey

Right here in the kitchen?

Oh, jokes are so funny.

So I got you three different
kinds of cooking sherry,

But, unfortunately,
there's no place in Chicago

That has Hawaiian salt.
No worries.

I've been sweating and crying
into the gravy all afternoon,

So hopefully that'll take care
of the seasoning.

- You okay, babe?
- Yeah.

Yeah? You sure?

'Cause you're stirring air.

Oh, my god.

Look, this is just a lot
for me right now...

Little overwhelmed.
No, I get it.

And I wish I could help,

But I'm just not an expert
at all this stuff.

Why don't we just call my M...
don't say it.

- Shh. Mm-mm.
- Uh-uh-uh.

- No, go ahead and say it.
- Well, why not?

I mean, why can't we ask
my mom for help?

Because then she wins,
and she will dance

All over my grave-y.

Okay, I know I'm not supposed
to say, "relax,"

"calm down,"
or, "you're acting crazy."

But relax, calm down,
you're acting crazy!

- [gasps]
- we got to get out of here.

My shoes are in the other room.

- Leave them. I will carry you.
- Okay.

[doorbell rings]

Aw, I know that face.

That's the same face you made
when that girl punched you

At volleyball camp.

Annie would kill me
if she knew I was here.

- Why?
- Well, we're fighting.

I mean, this whole
hosting-thanksgiving thing

Has gotten way out of hand.

Well, it's so cute
that you guys tried...

Very brave, and there's no shame

In coming to your old mama
for some help...

Or for anything.

If you ever just feel
like talking

Or if you're out late and you
need a place to crash out,

Come sleep over,
like the old days.

You mean like
when I was a child?

I'm just saying
it's dangerous to drive tired.

[sniffs] hey, what's that smell?

- Is that turkey?
- Oh.

I've started making
my own sandwich meats.

- Really?
- Saves money.

And I don't have to talk
to that man at the store

About his dead son.

Huh.

Oh, no. Did CC get out?

It looks like those birds
are chasing her.

Oh, those damn finches!

Yeah, they might swallow
that dog up whole.

Oh, my god.

Mom made backup
"tuwkey and gwavy."

Annie, you were right.
Mom is trying to undermine you.

She made
an entire thanksgiving dinner.

She's waiting for you to fail.

You weren't crazy. It was chess.

Annie?

Annie? Are you drinking
cooking sherry?

It's sweet. It's so sweet.

Don't look at me.

Come on, Annie,
we can still beat mom.

It's too late.

Myrna's gonna be here
in ten hours

Expecting a thanksgiving
extravaganza.

Why did I have to describe it as
an extravaganza on the invite?

What's wrong
with the word "dinner"?

Look, I know I wasn't on your
team before, but I am now,

And we can do this!

We just need to simplify.
Screw the Hawaiian salt.

You only need one ingredient
for turkey...

Turkey.

Now, are we looking
at an all-nighter? Yes.

Are both of us gonna cry?

A bunch. A bunch.

I am not always gonna be kind.

I will sometimes be
needlessly cruel.

It will almost seem like
I am enjoying that part of it.

But if we focus,
if we stick together, baby,

Come on, we can pull this off!

- I just have one question.
- Shoot.

Are we gonna have time
to bang one out first?

Because this take-charge
attitude is a real turn-on.

- We always have time for that.
- Okay!

Doesn't look that hard.

Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!

Guys, I just scored us
some of the rarest,

Most illegal cheese
in the world.

I can't tell you
where I got it, but...

No one cares.

Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!

Aah! Ah!

Break those grapes.
Whip that cream.

Don't worry, everyone.
The napkins are here.

No, wait. I left them at home.

B.R.B., y'all.

Where the hell
is that damn table?

Okay, got the napkins.

Oh, wait. Am I wearing a bra?

B.R.B., y'all.

Okay, turkey's stuffed,
gravy gravied, Dennah bra'd.

Finally.

People are coming in 20 minutes.

Wait. The food won't be ready
for two hours.

Ooh, I know. How about we just
turn everything up?

Jake, that is brilliant!

Right? Just turn it all up.

[doorbell rings]
ah! That's the table!

We might actually pull this off.

[gasps]

Where's the kids' room?

Excuse me? We don't have kids.

Oh, are you married
to a little person?

Uh, there must be
some sort of mistake.

Um, we ordered a very
expensive dining-room table

That looks exactly like that,
but for normal human adults.

I don't know
what to tell you, lady.

It's thanksgiving. I got to go.

Honey, by any chance,

Did you check the dimensions
when you bought this?

I think we know
the answer to that.

- I do.
- Cute table!

My niece has the same one
in her playroom,

But hers is bigger.

[gasps]

Not to alarm anyone,
but everything is on fire.

- [gasps]
- [gasps]

Oh, fire! [doorbell rings]

Oh, okay, everything's cool.

Everything's cool.

Uh-ohh, it's Myrna.

Now, that's a pantsuit.

- Oh, my god!
- [alarm beeping]

Myrna, are you sure
we can't get you something...

Glass of wine?

- Um, we burned the wine.
- How do you burn wine?

We used it to cook the things
that burned.

Ugh. The Ibiza gang
just checked in

At the foam party.

Kevin, would you let it go?

We'll find some other way
to get pink eye.

Mom, how about a nice
refreshing glass of water?

Ooh, with unlimited refills
on ice.

We also have
two napkin choices...

Cocktail and dinner size.

Ooh, we also have grenadine
and a half bottle of pedialyte

From the time I tried exercise.

Uh, water sounds fine, I guess.

- Yes.
- Water.

Oh, oh, the knees.

Excuse me.

Okay, what are we working with
dinner-wise?

Okay, we got a bowl of gravy,
Gil�s cheese and crackers,

A whole lot of napkins
and a coffee filter

Full of pumpkin pie filling.

Are we not commenting
on the table?

Just drink
your pedialyte, Kevin.

Chicago water,
fresh from the tap.

You must tell me
where you got this table.

It is so unique.

Well, small is in right now.

It's kind of a thing that
everybody knows, am I right?

All: Mm-hmm.

I told you our table
was too big.

Okay! I hope everybody's hungry.

All: Ooh!

Oh, my god, how does she do it?

- She makes it look so easy.
- Jennifer Aniston's arms.

Are you sure you want to put
this down?

I just don't want you to break
your table.

Well, it's mahogany.

It's what houses
are made out of.

Guys, a little help?

[all talking at once]

Easy does it.

Ooh, okay.

[table creaking]

[sighs with relief] [laughter]

Well, I'd like to make
a little toast.

I am thankful that everybody
is here today.

Thank you for being here, mom.

And a toast
to my wonderful fiancee,

Who made this fabulous feast.
It was really nothing.

- No, it is something.
- Stop it.

And I am thankful
for mahogany...

America's most durable
and favorite wood.

Dig in, y'all!

Oh, this looks delicious.

This cheese looks interesting.
What is it?

I'm very glad
you asked that, Myrna.

This brie, believe it or not,
comes directly

From a farm-raised, 18-year-old
human female woman.

I'm sorry.
It sounded like you said

This cheese comes
from a... from a person.

That's right, Jake...
it's human cheese,

- Made from breast milk.
- Ugh.

It's all the rage in Albania.

[all gag] - oh, my god!

[all scream]

You know what? You know what?

Small tables
are so two years ago.

The new trend is eating
on the floor.

I knew it. It's fine.
It's done, okay? It's over.

Look, I think we can all agree

This is the worst thanksgiving
in history.

Well, except for the first one,

If you're a native American.

Jake will get your coats
unless I somehow managed

- To burn those as well.
- Annie.

What, Myrna? I get it.
You won. I lost.

No one does thanksgiving
like you.

No one can take care of Jake
the way that you do.

And you will always be the most
important woman in his life.

No, Annie,
I was going to tell you

About the first time
I hosted thanksgiving.

Let me guess... flawless.

Okay, I'm sorry, Myrna,
but I'm human,

Much like that cheese.

Actually, the turkey
was so undercooked,

I gave four of our relatives
food poisoning.

It was an unmitigated disaster,
like tonight.

Thank you?

But it was the most special
thanksgiving I ever had,

Because it was the first time

That Jake�s father
and I hosted it.

And that's what you remember,

That and the fact
that my mother-in-law

Was trying to undermine me
the entire night.

That's the real tradition.
She was a serious bitch.

Oh, I love Nana. She always made
those "Fred and ginger snap" cookies.

Yum

Yes, she was a wonderful baker.

- May she roast in a lake of fire.
- Oh

The point is that it's hard for
every women to let go of her son

And I am sorry it has been so hard for me.

But I promised next year that
I will try to be better,

Because, Annie, there is no one
I'd rather turn him over to.

Aw. Thanks Myrna

- all : Aw
- So sweet

So what are we doing...Ordering a pizza?

'cause I am starving,

And there's dust bunnies
all over the human cheese,

And that is A-gross

- all: Ugh
- Well actually,

I do have an entire backup
thanksgiving dinner in my car,

If anyone is interested.

- all: Yeah!
- A thanksgiving miracle!

- Oh, yeah
- Oh, okay.

- Honey.
- Happy thanksgiving, Mom.

That's enough.

- Here I come.
- Oh!

Just kidding.

I was kidding.
I was kidding.

Thank you.

Hey, let's go down to the food, all right?

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