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1
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What's up, party people?
2
00:00:01,292 --> 00:00:03,059
Now I've been posting videos online
3
00:00:03,060 --> 00:00:04,761
for the past ten years,
4
00:00:04,762 --> 00:00:06,863
but the ones that get the most love
5
00:00:06,864 --> 00:00:08,031
is when I surprise my ex-wife,
6
00:00:08,032 --> 00:00:09,466
Ashley, on her birthday.
7
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- All: Surprise!
- [screaming]
8
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Marlon!
9
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[chuckles]
10
00:00:15,373 --> 00:00:16,973
All: Surprise!
11
00:00:16,974 --> 00:00:18,875
[thuds]
12
00:00:18,876 --> 00:00:20,477
Marlon!
13
00:00:20,478 --> 00:00:23,380
All: Surprise!
14
00:00:23,381 --> 00:00:25,382
Marlon!
15
00:00:25,383 --> 00:00:26,483
All: Ooh!
16
00:00:26,484 --> 00:00:28,151
Oh, damn! Ooh!
17
00:00:28,152 --> 00:00:29,352
The surprise is on us, oh!
18
00:00:29,353 --> 00:00:31,321
It's like she never sees it coming.
19
00:00:31,322 --> 00:00:33,256
? Marlon, Marlon, Marlon,
Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ?
20
00:00:33,257 --> 00:00:35,225
? Marlon, Marlon, Marlon,
Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ?
21
00:00:35,226 --> 00:00:36,426
? Marlon, Marlon, Marlon,
Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ?
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00:00:36,427 --> 00:00:41,626
Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
23
00:00:41,732 --> 00:00:43,767
[upbeat music]
24
00:00:43,768 --> 00:00:46,770
Ashley, come on, you're turning 40.
25
00:00:46,771 --> 00:00:48,438
You gotta celebrate!
26
00:00:48,439 --> 00:00:50,774
Me and the girls, we're gonna get drunk
27
00:00:50,775 --> 00:00:53,276
and make bad decisions
in public places.
28
00:00:53,277 --> 00:00:55,278
For you!
29
00:00:55,279 --> 00:00:58,248
Yvette, as delightful as that sounds,
30
00:00:58,249 --> 00:01:00,016
this is hard birthday for me.
31
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I just really wanna keep it low-key.
32
00:01:02,186 --> 00:01:05,088
[horn blares]
33
00:01:05,089 --> 00:01:09,759
Who's turning 40,
but still look 39 1/2?
34
00:01:09,760 --> 00:01:12,429
Is it you, woman I do not care for?
35
00:01:12,430 --> 00:01:17,266
Or is it you, woman I am so
happy I smashed in her 20s?
36
00:01:21,772 --> 00:01:24,874
I was hoping for a little
bit lower key than that.
37
00:01:24,875 --> 00:01:27,877
Now, now, before you get
mad at me being me,
38
00:01:27,878 --> 00:01:31,947
I have somebody that's been
dying to meet you.
39
00:01:35,853 --> 00:01:39,122
[laughing]
40
00:01:39,123 --> 00:01:40,924
I just wanted to show
him where you live
41
00:01:40,925 --> 00:01:44,193
so it'll be easier to find
you in a couple of years.
42
00:01:44,929 --> 00:01:46,463
Really, Stevie?
43
00:01:46,464 --> 00:01:48,898
I'm presently unemployed.
44
00:01:48,899 --> 00:01:51,368
3 bucks is 3 bucks.
45
00:01:51,369 --> 00:01:54,904
So! What are we gonna do
for Ashley's birthday?
46
00:01:54,905 --> 00:01:57,474
Marlon... I'm not playing with you.
47
00:01:57,475 --> 00:01:59,242
No, no, you made it very clear.
48
00:01:59,243 --> 00:02:01,478
You do not want a surprise party.
49
00:02:01,479 --> 00:02:03,480
Besides, startling somebody your age...
50
00:02:03,481 --> 00:02:06,383
it could lead to a heart attack.
51
00:02:06,384 --> 00:02:08,884
You're older than her, jackass.
52
00:02:10,721 --> 00:02:12,822
I know you ain't talkin'.
53
00:02:12,823 --> 00:02:14,991
What did you do on your 40th birthday?
54
00:02:14,992 --> 00:02:17,326
See "Goonies" in the movie theaters?
55
00:02:20,398 --> 00:02:23,166
You know damn well I ain't 40.
56
00:02:23,167 --> 00:02:27,337
I know who you foolin'
with that black don't crack.
57
00:02:27,338 --> 00:02:30,840
But your feet sure do.
58
00:02:30,841 --> 00:02:33,176
Okay? You look 25 in the face
59
00:02:33,177 --> 00:02:36,179
but 62 in the feet.
60
00:02:36,180 --> 00:02:38,014
Your face say, "Black lives matter."
61
00:02:38,015 --> 00:02:41,250
And your feet say, "We shall overcome."
62
00:02:50,194 --> 00:02:52,428
So you could be over 40?
63
00:02:53,764 --> 00:02:56,132
I ain't telling you how old I am...
64
00:02:56,133 --> 00:02:57,300
Grim Creeper.
65
00:02:57,301 --> 00:02:59,135
You're hiding something.
66
00:02:59,136 --> 00:03:01,204
I fancy myself a bit of a sleuth.
67
00:03:01,205 --> 00:03:03,206
In college, I was a founding member of
68
00:03:03,207 --> 00:03:07,043
the Scooby Doo Mystery Solvers Club.
69
00:03:07,044 --> 00:03:09,412
It was way cooler than it sounds.
70
00:03:09,413 --> 00:03:12,649
No, it wasn't.
71
00:03:12,650 --> 00:03:14,884
Looks like I'll have to
fire up the Mystery Machine
72
00:03:14,885 --> 00:03:17,053
to find out your age.
73
00:03:17,054 --> 00:03:18,221
Zoinks!
74
00:03:18,222 --> 00:03:19,556
A clue.
75
00:03:19,557 --> 00:03:21,224
A gray hair.
76
00:03:21,225 --> 00:03:23,059
Gray hair?
77
00:03:23,060 --> 00:03:25,228
Uh, this is a blonde highlight.
78
00:03:25,229 --> 00:03:26,863
[forced chuckle]
79
00:03:26,864 --> 00:03:28,297
Now, excuse me.
80
00:03:30,801 --> 00:03:32,402
- So, Ash...
- Hmm?
81
00:03:32,403 --> 00:03:34,237
The big 4-0.
82
00:03:34,238 --> 00:03:37,340
What big, crazy gift you gonna
get for yourself this year?
83
00:03:37,341 --> 00:03:39,309
One of them stair lift
chairs that do this...
84
00:03:39,310 --> 00:03:40,910
[imitating motor]
85
00:03:40,911 --> 00:03:42,579
[laughs]
86
00:03:42,580 --> 00:03:44,247
Well, you know, Marlon,
it's gonna be kind of hard
87
00:03:44,248 --> 00:03:46,916
to beat the gift I
gave myself last year:
88
00:03:46,917 --> 00:03:48,918
a divorce from you.
89
00:03:48,919 --> 00:03:50,653
But seriously, Ash,
what are you gonna get yourself?
90
00:03:50,654 --> 00:03:53,022
Well, actually, it's somewhat personal.
91
00:03:53,023 --> 00:03:54,424
I don't want to discuss it.
92
00:03:54,425 --> 00:03:56,626
Oh!
93
00:03:56,627 --> 00:03:58,094
I see...
94
00:03:58,095 --> 00:03:59,596
[Jamaican accent] Are you gonna go to
95
00:03:59,597 --> 00:04:03,333
the Caribbean and get your groove back?
96
00:04:03,334 --> 00:04:06,503
With a little Jamaican
boy named Dexter?
97
00:04:06,504 --> 00:04:09,472
? He's gonna pow-pow ?
[shouting indistinctly]
98
00:04:09,473 --> 00:04:10,707
- ? Pow-pow... ?
- Okay, okay!
99
00:04:10,708 --> 00:04:12,509
Stop it!
100
00:04:12,510 --> 00:04:15,278
It's something I've been
considering for a while.
101
00:04:15,279 --> 00:04:17,113
You know, I'm just not sure.
102
00:04:17,114 --> 00:04:20,016
Y'all talking about the boob job?
103
00:04:20,017 --> 00:04:22,352
A boob job!
104
00:04:22,353 --> 00:04:24,353
We are now.
105
00:04:27,503 --> 00:04:29,739
Really? A boob job?
106
00:04:29,740 --> 00:04:31,007
You seem surprised,
107
00:04:31,008 --> 00:04:33,309
and I thought you liked surprises.
108
00:04:33,310 --> 00:04:36,079
Yeah, but do you know what
kind of person you become
109
00:04:36,080 --> 00:04:37,313
when you do something like that.
110
00:04:37,314 --> 00:04:40,750
A person with bigger boobs?
111
00:04:40,751 --> 00:04:43,485
Sorry, I thought you threw
that out to the room.
112
00:04:44,788 --> 00:04:47,223
Now, were you even gonna
discuss this with me?
113
00:04:47,224 --> 00:04:49,158
Or were you gonna show up to my house
114
00:04:49,159 --> 00:04:51,227
with them popping out
your T-shirt, talking about,
115
00:04:51,228 --> 00:04:54,130
"Hello, welcome to Hooters."
116
00:04:54,131 --> 00:04:55,832
"How would you like your wings?
117
00:04:55,833 --> 00:04:58,968
Spicy, mild, or lemon pepper?"
118
00:04:58,969 --> 00:05:01,271
Maybe this is why I
didn't want to discuss it
119
00:05:01,272 --> 00:05:02,906
with you, Marlon, okay?
120
00:05:02,907 --> 00:05:05,174
- It's my body.
- Yes, it's your body,
121
00:05:05,175 --> 00:05:06,776
but that's our history.
122
00:05:06,777 --> 00:05:09,212
That's the road map of our memories.
123
00:05:09,213 --> 00:05:11,714
- Road map?
- A road map?
124
00:05:11,715 --> 00:05:14,450
My body is a road map?
125
00:05:14,451 --> 00:05:17,419
I didn't mean like a old,
weathered, pirate's map.
126
00:05:19,356 --> 00:05:22,791
You know, I meant more like
a laminated one you get at AAA.
127
00:05:25,429 --> 00:05:26,996
Ashley, I meant that sweetly.
128
00:05:26,997 --> 00:05:28,831
You complain about your stretch marks.
129
00:05:28,832 --> 00:05:30,633
You know how you got
those stretch marks?
130
00:05:30,634 --> 00:05:32,468
Remember when you was pregnant
with Zack, we used to go out
131
00:05:32,469 --> 00:05:34,537
and get cheeseburgers
and Krispy Kremes?
132
00:05:34,538 --> 00:05:36,873
And those breasts
that you want to change...
133
00:05:36,874 --> 00:05:39,375
those fed my babies.
134
00:05:39,376 --> 00:05:42,312
And got us into a lot
of clubs in the '90s.
135
00:05:42,313 --> 00:05:43,646
There's more to it than that.
136
00:05:43,647 --> 00:05:45,081
- But what about the kids?
- What?
137
00:05:45,082 --> 00:05:46,049
Let's see what the kids think of it.
138
00:05:46,050 --> 00:05:47,383
No, Marlon!
139
00:05:47,384 --> 00:05:48,518
- Do not involve the kids!
- Marley!
140
00:05:48,519 --> 00:05:50,520
Marley, listen.
141
00:05:50,521 --> 00:05:53,456
Your mommy wants to get
a breast augmentation,
142
00:05:53,457 --> 00:05:56,258
and forgive my language,
but that's a boob job.
143
00:05:58,028 --> 00:06:00,930
Now I want you to tell Mommy
what you think about this.
144
00:06:00,931 --> 00:06:02,098
Go on.
145
00:06:02,099 --> 00:06:03,399
Go ahead.
146
00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:06,035
Well, it is her body,
147
00:06:06,036 --> 00:06:08,870
and as a feminist,
I support her decision.
148
00:06:10,674 --> 00:06:14,076
I knew you was going to be
a hater the day you was born.
149
00:06:16,146 --> 00:06:18,881
Go on, get your little behind upstairs.
150
00:06:18,882 --> 00:06:22,051
Okay, Marlon, I'm turning 40.
151
00:06:22,052 --> 00:06:23,619
I've had two kids.
152
00:06:23,620 --> 00:06:25,822
Is it so bad that I want my confidence
153
00:06:25,823 --> 00:06:28,591
back to where they used to be?
154
00:06:28,592 --> 00:06:30,226
And she's a free agent!
155
00:06:30,227 --> 00:06:32,195
She's back here on these streets,
156
00:06:32,196 --> 00:06:35,964
and she started from the
bottom, and now she here!
157
00:06:38,435 --> 00:06:41,069
I'm sorry, I don't speak club rat.
158
00:06:42,339 --> 00:06:45,775
So when I get my Rosetta
Stone for ratched...
159
00:06:45,776 --> 00:06:47,010
I'll get back at you.
160
00:06:47,011 --> 00:06:49,544
Now, listen, A$AP Nappy is right.
161
00:06:51,382 --> 00:06:53,483
You're going out into the...
to the dating pool
162
00:06:53,484 --> 00:06:54,617
with a new pair of floaties.
163
00:06:54,618 --> 00:06:56,419
Okay, stop.
164
00:06:56,420 --> 00:06:59,088
Guys, this has nothing
to do with dating, okay?
165
00:06:59,089 --> 00:07:01,724
It's about how I feel in my own skin.
166
00:07:01,725 --> 00:07:03,793
And if I wanna get 'em,
I'm gonna get 'em.
167
00:07:03,794 --> 00:07:05,695
Get what?
168
00:07:05,696 --> 00:07:08,164
Uh...
169
00:07:08,165 --> 00:07:09,966
- Donuts.
- Uh-huh.
170
00:07:09,967 --> 00:07:11,601
Your mommy was debating
171
00:07:11,602 --> 00:07:14,070
whether we should get donuts or not.
172
00:07:14,071 --> 00:07:15,971
Well, I'm for 'em.
173
00:07:17,207 --> 00:07:20,075
As far as I'm concerned,
the bigger the better.
174
00:07:21,779 --> 00:07:24,781
I'm never happier than
when I got one in my hand...
175
00:07:24,782 --> 00:07:26,882
and one in my mouth.
176
00:07:33,690 --> 00:07:36,725
Zack, go play basketball.
177
00:07:40,764 --> 00:07:42,364
Now I want a donut.
178
00:07:44,168 --> 00:07:45,868
Listen, this is serious surgery,
179
00:07:45,869 --> 00:07:47,470
and it's dangerous.
180
00:07:47,471 --> 00:07:49,205
You know what,
as the father of your children,
181
00:07:49,206 --> 00:07:50,873
I'm not gonna let you do it.
182
00:07:50,874 --> 00:07:53,910
- Let me?
- Let you?
183
00:07:53,911 --> 00:07:55,011
Let me?
184
00:07:55,012 --> 00:07:56,979
Let her?
185
00:07:56,980 --> 00:08:00,081
- You don't let me do anything!
- You don't let her do anything!
186
00:08:01,385 --> 00:08:02,952
You know that's right.
187
00:08:02,953 --> 00:08:05,554
Coming up in here,
telling her what she gon' do.
188
00:08:06,890 --> 00:08:09,791
What in The Hip-hop Wives was that?
189
00:08:12,396 --> 00:08:16,232
[hip-hop music]
190
00:08:16,233 --> 00:08:18,434
Marlon thinks he could
tell me what I could do
191
00:08:18,435 --> 00:08:19,735
with my divorced-from-his-ass body?
192
00:08:19,736 --> 00:08:21,370
Stevie's blind-ass,
193
00:08:21,371 --> 00:08:23,172
talking about he saw
a gray hair on my head.
194
00:08:23,173 --> 00:08:24,307
He a lie!
195
00:08:24,308 --> 00:08:25,641
And the next time he tries to
196
00:08:25,642 --> 00:08:27,643
throw me a surprise party,
197
00:08:27,644 --> 00:08:29,178
I'ma surprise his ass
by not showing up.
198
00:08:29,179 --> 00:08:30,613
"How old I am..."
199
00:08:30,614 --> 00:08:32,915
How about I'm old enough
to hurt your feelings
200
00:08:32,916 --> 00:08:34,884
and still young enough
to get carded at the club.
201
00:08:34,885 --> 00:08:36,352
'Kay?
202
00:08:36,353 --> 00:08:37,887
Thank you, Yvette.
203
00:08:37,888 --> 00:08:42,291
You know, I love having
you as a sounding board.
204
00:08:42,292 --> 00:08:45,194
That's what I'm here for.
205
00:08:45,195 --> 00:08:48,330
[engine revs, idles off]
206
00:08:53,570 --> 00:08:56,771
[leather squeaking]
207
00:09:02,746 --> 00:09:03,980
Sorry I'm early.
208
00:09:03,981 --> 00:09:07,283
But I was zipping through
traffic, cutting between cars.
209
00:09:07,284 --> 00:09:09,085
But that pop-a-wheelie down the block
210
00:09:09,086 --> 00:09:11,587
really saved me some time.
211
00:09:11,588 --> 00:09:13,122
I have no words.
212
00:09:13,123 --> 00:09:15,691
Good, 'cause that's
exactly how many words
213
00:09:15,692 --> 00:09:17,693
I want you to have.
214
00:09:17,694 --> 00:09:19,729
Bye, girl.
215
00:09:19,730 --> 00:09:22,098
Seriously, Marlon?
216
00:09:22,099 --> 00:09:24,567
A motorcycle? Honestly?
217
00:09:24,568 --> 00:09:26,402
Do you really think
I'm gonna let you do this?
218
00:09:26,403 --> 00:09:28,571
Ha! You gonna...
219
00:09:28,572 --> 00:09:29,839
let me?
220
00:09:29,840 --> 00:09:31,507
Hold up, hold up, hold up.
221
00:09:31,508 --> 00:09:33,476
You gonna let me?
222
00:09:33,477 --> 00:09:35,311
[laughs] You. Don't. Let. Me.
223
00:09:35,312 --> 00:09:36,946
Do. Anything.
224
00:09:36,947 --> 00:09:38,247
Ha! Ha! Hah!
225
00:09:38,248 --> 00:09:40,216
Hah! Huh!
226
00:09:40,217 --> 00:09:43,352
Boo! This is my body.
227
00:09:43,353 --> 00:09:45,321
It's gonna be your mangled body.
228
00:09:45,322 --> 00:09:47,590
Oh! So you admit
229
00:09:47,591 --> 00:09:50,626
that riding a motorcycle is dangerous.
230
00:09:50,627 --> 00:09:53,563
- [leather squeaks]
- Is it...
231
00:09:53,564 --> 00:09:55,331
as dangerous...
232
00:09:55,332 --> 00:09:57,867
[leather squeaking]
233
00:09:57,868 --> 00:09:59,634
As elective surgery?
234
00:10:01,338 --> 00:10:04,307
Okay, I see your point.
235
00:10:04,308 --> 00:10:06,209
But if you want to have
an adult conversation
236
00:10:06,210 --> 00:10:08,244
about this, we can do that.
237
00:10:08,245 --> 00:10:09,912
Fine.
238
00:10:09,913 --> 00:10:11,881
[leather squeaking]
239
00:10:11,882 --> 00:10:14,183
Let's have...
240
00:10:14,184 --> 00:10:16,084
an adult conversation.
241
00:10:18,021 --> 00:10:19,956
Are you out of your damn mind?
242
00:10:19,957 --> 00:10:21,591
Okay, we're done.
243
00:10:21,592 --> 00:10:23,059
Ashley, come on.
244
00:10:23,060 --> 00:10:24,727
I mean, even though we split up,
245
00:10:24,728 --> 00:10:26,629
we still help each other
make big decisions.
246
00:10:26,630 --> 00:10:28,164
I mean, that's how we roll.
247
00:10:28,165 --> 00:10:30,166
If this is your idea of help,
248
00:10:30,167 --> 00:10:32,068
then maybe we shouldn't
roll like that anymore.
249
00:10:32,069 --> 00:10:33,769
- It's like that?
- Yes! And that's how
250
00:10:33,770 --> 00:10:35,238
- it's gonna be.
- All right.
251
00:10:35,239 --> 00:10:36,739
That's fine with me.
252
00:10:36,740 --> 00:10:37,907
[leather squeaking]
253
00:10:37,908 --> 00:10:39,875
[muttering]
254
00:10:39,876 --> 00:10:41,476
I can't hear you!
255
00:10:43,714 --> 00:10:45,114
Too bad, you missed it.
256
00:10:45,115 --> 00:10:46,782
But if you would've heard it,
257
00:10:46,783 --> 00:10:48,584
it was something that
would've made everybody go,
258
00:10:48,585 --> 00:10:51,721
"Ohhh!"
259
00:10:51,722 --> 00:10:54,823
? ?
260
00:10:56,917 --> 00:10:58,651
[hip-hop music]
261
00:10:59,053 --> 00:11:00,287
? ?
262
00:11:00,288 --> 00:11:03,389
[rapid knocking]
263
00:11:04,602 --> 00:11:07,571
You need to cease
and desist, Scooby Doo.
264
00:11:07,572 --> 00:11:10,107
I assume you're talking about
my quest to discover your age.
265
00:11:10,108 --> 00:11:12,009
Rifling through my trash,
266
00:11:12,010 --> 00:11:13,844
trying to find my high school yearbook,
267
00:11:13,845 --> 00:11:15,579
messaging my friends on Facebook.
268
00:11:15,580 --> 00:11:17,614
Yes, and I'd already have my answer
269
00:11:17,615 --> 00:11:20,117
if it wasn't for your meddling friends.
270
00:11:20,118 --> 00:11:23,687
I will destroy everything you own.
271
00:11:23,688 --> 00:11:24,989
Joke's on you, Yvette.
272
00:11:24,990 --> 00:11:27,925
I don't own anything.
273
00:11:27,926 --> 00:11:29,760
Man...
274
00:11:29,761 --> 00:11:32,296
Ashley's not returning my
texts or my phone calls.
275
00:11:32,297 --> 00:11:33,864
Mm. I get it.
276
00:11:33,865 --> 00:11:37,234
She's sending messages via troll.
277
00:11:37,235 --> 00:11:38,535
Come on, sit down.
278
00:11:38,536 --> 00:11:39,636
Help me out with this.
279
00:11:39,637 --> 00:11:41,238
Why isn't Ashley talking to me?
280
00:11:41,239 --> 00:11:43,741
Do you have any idea
what it feels like for woman
281
00:11:43,742 --> 00:11:45,809
to turn 40?
282
00:11:45,810 --> 00:11:47,376
I don't!
283
00:11:50,315 --> 00:11:52,216
She's just insecure right now,
284
00:11:52,217 --> 00:11:53,650
and all that stuff you told her,
285
00:11:53,651 --> 00:11:56,353
she just doesn't need to hear.
286
00:11:56,354 --> 00:11:59,023
Yeah, you're right.
287
00:11:59,024 --> 00:12:01,992
I've been insensitive. Where is she?
288
00:12:01,993 --> 00:12:03,961
She's at Dr. Greenberg's office.
289
00:12:03,962 --> 00:12:05,262
What? Damn, woman,
290
00:12:05,263 --> 00:12:07,965
you got to tell me this type of stuff!
291
00:12:07,966 --> 00:12:10,366
I hope I'm not too late.
292
00:12:13,138 --> 00:12:15,339
Keep playing with me, Tiny Fro,
293
00:12:15,340 --> 00:12:18,008
and I will break
my foot off in your ass.
294
00:12:18,009 --> 00:12:19,942
I would love that.
295
00:12:23,681 --> 00:12:26,583
The battle of the wits,
not the foot stuff.
296
00:12:26,584 --> 00:12:31,855
? ?
297
00:12:31,856 --> 00:12:33,824
Is this your first visit
to a podiatrist?
298
00:12:33,825 --> 00:12:37,461
Yeah, apparently 40 years
of walking in high heels
299
00:12:37,462 --> 00:12:38,796
catches up with you.
300
00:12:38,797 --> 00:12:40,931
So I need to see a foot doctor.
301
00:12:40,932 --> 00:12:43,033
Well, Dr. Greenberg will
be with you in a moment.
302
00:12:43,034 --> 00:12:44,068
Great, thank you.
303
00:12:44,069 --> 00:12:46,470
Ashley! Don't do it!
304
00:12:46,471 --> 00:12:49,006
Oh, thank God I'm not too late.
305
00:12:49,007 --> 00:12:50,707
Marlon, what are you doing here?
306
00:12:50,708 --> 00:12:53,844
You don't need surgery.
307
00:12:53,845 --> 00:12:55,712
You are beautiful just the way you are.
308
00:12:55,713 --> 00:12:58,816
You know, we all have something
309
00:12:58,817 --> 00:13:00,617
that we want to change about ourselves.
310
00:13:00,618 --> 00:13:02,619
We all wish we were different.
311
00:13:02,620 --> 00:13:04,588
But that's why we're all here, right?
312
00:13:04,589 --> 00:13:06,390
No, Marlon, that's not
the reason that we...
313
00:13:06,391 --> 00:13:08,724
No, Ashley, like this...
this woman right here.
314
00:13:10,061 --> 00:13:12,296
Sure, she needs breast implants.
315
00:13:12,297 --> 00:13:14,431
Uh, I'm a man.
316
00:13:14,432 --> 00:13:16,066
You see?
317
00:13:16,067 --> 00:13:20,204
She doesn't even feel
like a woman anymore.
318
00:13:20,205 --> 00:13:21,572
And you...
319
00:13:21,573 --> 00:13:23,574
Baby girl, why are you here?
320
00:13:23,575 --> 00:13:26,076
My arches have fallen.
321
00:13:26,077 --> 00:13:28,645
I never heard them
called arches before...
322
00:13:28,646 --> 00:13:31,115
but it doesn't mean
you have to change them.
323
00:13:31,116 --> 00:13:32,883
Leave them in your lap.
324
00:13:32,884 --> 00:13:34,585
That's a summer hit, right there.
325
00:13:34,586 --> 00:13:36,253
? Leave 'em in your lap,
lea-leave 'em in your lap ?
326
00:13:36,254 --> 00:13:37,888
Every woman over 50
will be, like, "Hey,
327
00:13:37,889 --> 00:13:39,857
we gon' leave 'em in our lap."
328
00:13:39,858 --> 00:13:42,159
? Leave 'em in our lap,
lea-leave 'em on our lap ?
329
00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:44,695
And would you look at this?
330
00:13:44,696 --> 00:13:47,931
What in the hot mess...
331
00:13:47,932 --> 00:13:50,100
is going on?
332
00:13:50,101 --> 00:13:52,936
I mean, he needs hair plugs,
333
00:13:52,937 --> 00:13:55,572
cheekbones, definitely
needing a nose job.
334
00:13:55,573 --> 00:13:57,040
He need a... a chin tuck,
335
00:13:57,041 --> 00:13:59,676
or just take this and
tuck it up in your chest.
336
00:13:59,677 --> 00:14:02,479
Take this meat right there
and chuck it in there.
337
00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:03,881
Look at that.
338
00:14:03,882 --> 00:14:05,883
- Marlon, please!
- No, but there...
339
00:14:05,884 --> 00:14:07,684
You're not listening.
340
00:14:07,685 --> 00:14:11,054
There is beauty in
this bald little weirdo.
341
00:14:11,055 --> 00:14:13,790
You look like a white Mr. Potato Head.
342
00:14:13,791 --> 00:14:16,760
You don't even need to buy
your kids a Christmas gift.
343
00:14:16,761 --> 00:14:20,030
Just put your head in a box with
some little shoes right there,
344
00:14:20,031 --> 00:14:24,835
and... you could save yourself
$39 on Amazon.
345
00:14:24,836 --> 00:14:28,572
My point is, we have to learn
to love ourselves, people.
346
00:14:28,573 --> 00:14:30,874
You don't think I have any flaws?
347
00:14:30,875 --> 00:14:32,676
- Marlon, you need to stop...
- Come on, no!
348
00:14:32,677 --> 00:14:36,680
I need to make a point, Ashley!
349
00:14:36,681 --> 00:14:38,448
Okay, have at it.
350
00:14:38,449 --> 00:14:39,783
Thank you.
351
00:14:39,784 --> 00:14:41,618
Look at this, right here.
352
00:14:41,619 --> 00:14:43,120
Look at that chest. Look at it.
353
00:14:43,121 --> 00:14:45,556
I know from afar, it looks beautiful.
354
00:14:45,557 --> 00:14:48,125
Don't let me get the baby oil
and the grease up on it
355
00:14:48,126 --> 00:14:50,027
and the right light angle.
356
00:14:50,028 --> 00:14:52,529
Yes, it looks beautiful, but
if you look really close...
357
00:14:52,530 --> 00:14:55,432
Look at that. I have a triple nipple.
358
00:14:55,433 --> 00:14:57,100
But I'm in good company.
359
00:14:57,101 --> 00:14:58,635
Mark Wahlberg got a triple nipple.
360
00:14:58,636 --> 00:15:00,304
So does one of the kids
from One Direction.
361
00:15:00,305 --> 00:15:02,105
That's why they kicked
his ass out the group.
362
00:15:02,106 --> 00:15:03,840
Nobody's perfect.
363
00:15:03,841 --> 00:15:05,175
And you...
364
00:15:05,176 --> 00:15:06,476
look at the asymmetry of my buttocks.
365
00:15:06,477 --> 00:15:08,178
Look at that.
366
00:15:08,179 --> 00:15:10,347
I know one butt cheek
is bigger than the other one.
367
00:15:10,348 --> 00:15:12,883
Look like two Goober candies
stuck together.
368
00:15:12,884 --> 00:15:14,451
Whoo!
369
00:15:14,452 --> 00:15:17,921
And you, you're a professional.
370
00:15:17,922 --> 00:15:19,389
Look at that!
371
00:15:19,390 --> 00:15:22,659
Imagine me carrying this
around my whole life.
372
00:15:22,660 --> 00:15:25,195
Have you ever seen anything like this?
373
00:15:25,196 --> 00:15:28,131
Not in a podiatrist's office.
374
00:15:28,132 --> 00:15:30,100
A what?
375
00:15:30,101 --> 00:15:31,935
Yeah, Marlon,
376
00:15:31,936 --> 00:15:34,037
that's what I've been
trying to tell you.
377
00:15:34,038 --> 00:15:36,173
None of the people here
felt bad about their appearance,
378
00:15:36,174 --> 00:15:38,842
at least they didn't
until you showed up.
379
00:15:38,843 --> 00:15:41,812
Oh... wow.
380
00:15:41,813 --> 00:15:44,681
[hip-hop music]
381
00:15:44,682 --> 00:15:47,751
? ?
382
00:15:47,752 --> 00:15:50,387
You are such a jackass.
383
00:15:50,388 --> 00:15:51,788
All right.
384
00:15:51,789 --> 00:15:53,290
Look, I'm sorry it took me so long
385
00:15:53,291 --> 00:15:55,559
to understand what
you really needed to hear.
386
00:15:55,560 --> 00:15:58,528
But Ash, I just think you're beautiful,
387
00:15:58,529 --> 00:16:00,330
and you don't need surgery.
388
00:16:00,331 --> 00:16:02,332
Ugh!
389
00:16:02,333 --> 00:16:04,635
And this is why you're a jackass.
390
00:16:04,636 --> 00:16:07,671
You told me all the reasons
you don't think I should do it.
391
00:16:07,672 --> 00:16:11,642
But have you once listened
to how it is I feel?
392
00:16:11,643 --> 00:16:13,510
No.
393
00:16:13,511 --> 00:16:15,178
It's like the surprise parties, Marlon.
394
00:16:15,179 --> 00:16:16,580
Come on.
395
00:16:16,581 --> 00:16:18,415
You gotta admit,
396
00:16:18,416 --> 00:16:20,384
you secretly loved those parties.
397
00:16:20,385 --> 00:16:22,252
Surprise!
398
00:16:22,253 --> 00:16:23,887
I don't.
399
00:16:23,888 --> 00:16:25,422
I only acted the way I did
400
00:16:25,423 --> 00:16:27,190
because this is the first
huge life decision
401
00:16:27,191 --> 00:16:28,458
you're making without me.
402
00:16:28,459 --> 00:16:30,160
I wanted to be there for you.
403
00:16:30,161 --> 00:16:32,228
To be a part of your decision.
404
00:16:36,768 --> 00:16:38,835
So how do you wanna be there?
405
00:16:38,836 --> 00:16:42,139
Do you wanna be there
as, uh, my ex-husband?
406
00:16:42,140 --> 00:16:44,775
Or do you wanna be there
as my best friend?
407
00:16:44,776 --> 00:16:47,210
Because I'm 40 years old.
408
00:16:47,211 --> 00:16:50,213
And I'm single for
the first time since I'm 22,
409
00:16:50,214 --> 00:16:51,748
and it's scary.
410
00:16:51,749 --> 00:16:54,718
And what I need is my best friend.
411
00:16:54,719 --> 00:16:56,553
One who listens.
412
00:16:56,554 --> 00:16:58,755
'Cause you know Yvette
don't listen to anybody.
413
00:16:58,756 --> 00:17:00,757
Ms. Wayne?
414
00:17:00,758 --> 00:17:02,491
Dr. Greenberg will see you now.
415
00:17:12,670 --> 00:17:15,405
So...
416
00:17:15,406 --> 00:17:18,709
how's everybody feeling?
417
00:17:18,710 --> 00:17:21,243
? ?
418
00:17:22,742 --> 00:17:24,109
Ah.
419
00:17:24,478 --> 00:17:25,545
I got your text.
420
00:17:25,546 --> 00:17:29,794
Seems you've cracked
the case, Sherlock Homie.
421
00:17:31,388 --> 00:17:32,655
Why, yes, I did.
422
00:17:32,656 --> 00:17:34,123
See, Yvette,
423
00:17:34,124 --> 00:17:36,125
some sleuths have keen
powers of observation,
424
00:17:36,126 --> 00:17:40,996
but what I have is absolutely
nothing going on in my life.
425
00:17:40,997 --> 00:17:42,665
One click...
426
00:17:42,666 --> 00:17:44,833
and your age is all over social media.
427
00:17:44,834 --> 00:17:46,669
[chuckles]
428
00:17:46,670 --> 00:17:49,905
Well, I've done
my own research, Stevie.
429
00:17:49,906 --> 00:17:51,206
And I have some information
430
00:17:51,207 --> 00:17:53,609
you wouldn't want anyone to know.
431
00:17:53,610 --> 00:17:56,111
Especially Marlon.
432
00:17:56,112 --> 00:17:57,780
See, my girl down at the bank,
433
00:17:57,781 --> 00:17:59,782
she showed me a statement for a certain
434
00:17:59,783 --> 00:18:02,217
Stephandre Jamal Noggle.
435
00:18:02,218 --> 00:18:04,053
Mm! Turns out Nana Noggle
436
00:18:04,054 --> 00:18:07,523
has been doing some deposits
ever since you were seven.
437
00:18:07,524 --> 00:18:09,058
That money's not for spending,
438
00:18:09,059 --> 00:18:11,727
that's Nana's special
Christmas Club money.
439
00:18:11,728 --> 00:18:15,064
Well, it's damn sure enough
for you to be out of Marlon's
440
00:18:15,065 --> 00:18:16,665
and living on your own.
441
00:18:16,666 --> 00:18:18,967
I promised my Nana
I wouldn't spend that money
442
00:18:18,968 --> 00:18:20,636
unless I hit rock bottom.
443
00:18:20,637 --> 00:18:22,638
You're homeless and unemployed.
444
00:18:22,639 --> 00:18:24,206
You're there, boo!
445
00:18:24,207 --> 00:18:27,742
Oh, you have no idea how low I can go.
446
00:18:32,415 --> 00:18:36,018
Okay, well, I, too,
have composed a text.
447
00:18:36,019 --> 00:18:39,188
And I am one click away...
448
00:18:39,189 --> 00:18:42,024
from sending it to Marlon.
449
00:18:42,025 --> 00:18:44,093
- You wouldn't.
- Wouldn't I?
450
00:18:44,094 --> 00:18:46,929
[spaghetti western-type music]
451
00:18:46,930 --> 00:18:50,232
? ?
452
00:18:50,233 --> 00:18:52,234
- Ugh!
- [laughs]
453
00:18:52,235 --> 00:18:54,103
You don't get to be my age
454
00:18:54,104 --> 00:18:55,604
without learning a thing or two
455
00:18:55,605 --> 00:18:57,940
about digging up dirt,
456
00:18:57,941 --> 00:19:01,076
Stephandre.
457
00:19:01,077 --> 00:19:03,545
[chuckling]
458
00:19:03,546 --> 00:19:05,614
You'd make a mighty fine addition
459
00:19:05,615 --> 00:19:08,083
to the Scooby Doo Mystery Solvers Club.
460
00:19:08,084 --> 00:19:10,918
We're looking for a black Velma.
461
00:19:12,522 --> 00:19:16,624
You know damn well I'm a Daphne.
462
00:19:17,527 --> 00:19:19,962
? ?
463
00:19:19,963 --> 00:19:21,630
[car lock beeps]
464
00:19:21,631 --> 00:19:22,798
There she is.
465
00:19:22,799 --> 00:19:24,266
There's the birthday girl.
466
00:19:24,267 --> 00:19:26,135
Hello, Evel Knievel.
467
00:19:26,136 --> 00:19:27,269
Where's your bike?
468
00:19:27,270 --> 00:19:28,570
I got rid of it.
469
00:19:28,571 --> 00:19:30,272
Motorcycles are dangerous,
470
00:19:30,273 --> 00:19:33,742
and that leather suit gave me
a terrible case of junk funk.
471
00:19:33,743 --> 00:19:35,277
I didn't need to hear that.
472
00:19:35,278 --> 00:19:36,979
Hey, we're besties.
473
00:19:36,980 --> 00:19:38,614
We're supposed to listen to everything.
474
00:19:38,615 --> 00:19:40,282
And support each other.
475
00:19:40,283 --> 00:19:41,984
So if...
476
00:19:41,985 --> 00:19:43,652
you decide to get your surgery,
477
00:19:43,653 --> 00:19:45,287
I just want you to know
that I'll be there for you.
478
00:19:45,288 --> 00:19:46,822
So, hey...
479
00:19:46,823 --> 00:19:48,657
let's go get some tit-tays.
480
00:19:48,658 --> 00:19:51,059
[chuckles] Oh, my God!
481
00:19:51,060 --> 00:19:52,995
You know what, if you were listening,
482
00:19:52,996 --> 00:19:54,296
you would know that I had never said
483
00:19:54,297 --> 00:19:56,565
I wanted some tit-tays, okay?
484
00:19:56,566 --> 00:19:58,333
I was only thinking about it.
485
00:19:58,334 --> 00:20:00,936
But then you started
actin' a fool so...
486
00:20:00,937 --> 00:20:02,271
I had to double down.
487
00:20:02,272 --> 00:20:04,673
All right, well, whatever you decide,
488
00:20:04,674 --> 00:20:06,842
just know that I'll be there for you.
489
00:20:06,843 --> 00:20:08,143
Thank you.
490
00:20:08,144 --> 00:20:10,012
Um...
491
00:20:10,013 --> 00:20:12,014
but why are you standing
in my driveway?
492
00:20:12,015 --> 00:20:14,149
Um, because
I just want to see your face
493
00:20:14,150 --> 00:20:15,617
as you walk into the kitchen.
494
00:20:15,618 --> 00:20:17,119
- Damn it, Marlon!
- [chuckles]
495
00:20:17,120 --> 00:20:19,621
Come on. Be a sport?
496
00:20:19,622 --> 00:20:21,790
Fine!
497
00:20:21,791 --> 00:20:22,691
I hate you!
498
00:20:22,692 --> 00:20:24,092
I hate you more.
499
00:20:24,093 --> 00:20:25,694
- And you know what?
- Yes?
500
00:20:25,695 --> 00:20:27,162
- This is the last one.
- Last one.
501
00:20:27,163 --> 00:20:29,198
- For real!
- For real.
502
00:20:29,199 --> 00:20:30,932
- Let's get this over with.
- Go on.
503
00:20:35,004 --> 00:20:37,338
Surprise.
504
00:20:39,876 --> 00:20:42,644
There is no surprise.
505
00:20:42,645 --> 00:20:44,712
From now on, I'm listening.
506
00:20:47,717 --> 00:20:50,886
Happy birthday.
507
00:20:50,887 --> 00:20:52,955
BFF?
508
00:20:52,956 --> 00:20:54,723
Best Friends Forever?
509
00:20:54,724 --> 00:20:57,124
Or Black, Fabulous and Forty.
510
00:20:58,962 --> 00:21:01,897
I will take it.
511
00:21:01,898 --> 00:21:03,965
Happy birthday.
512
00:21:06,069 --> 00:21:09,037
- Birthday sex?
- No.
513
00:21:09,038 --> 00:21:10,911
Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
514
00:21:10,961 --> 00:21:15,511
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
35594
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