Original subtitles

What's up, Internet peeps?

Welcome to the Marlon Way.

You know parenting is a delicate balance

because if you don't go far enough, you wind up with those

spoiled kids that turn into crappy adults.

They show up to work, and the boss is like,

"Why are you so late?"

"Because I needed some me time."

But... if you go to far you wind up with those tiger-mom kids.

You know the ones that can play cello like Yo Yo Ma

and then one day they snap... and they kick yo yo ass.

We should have got a dog.

? Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ?

? Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ?

? Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ?

Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.

? ?

Mm-hmm, it's so peaceful around here with the kids gone.

Uh, the kids are right over there.

Then why is it so quiet?

Stevie, are you out of your semi-nappy headed mind?

Ugh, there it is.

Why would I pay you money?

For the work I do on your videos.

Okay, what is going on?

I'm trying to renegotiate the terms

of my unpaid internship with this tightwad.

Here's the terms of your internship, okay?

You do what I say, and, in turn,

I let your broke ass sleep on my couch.

Hey, Dad, can you take us to see

"Zombie Clown Mountain" on Sunday?

Hey, that's a R-rated movie, and you guys are underage.

So you know I'm in.

Before you all start spending more money,

Daddy and I need to have a discussion.

Daddy don't like when Mommy wants to have discussions.

This is the current statement for our joint credit card.

- Take a look. - Ashley, come on,

I already know what's on here.

It's fi... Okay, look, $40.00 for a haircut,

which is a deal. See how big that boy's head is?

You gotta mow his head, like...

[mimics lawn mower]

$315 for a Xbox game, this is a...

$315?

What in the hell is this?

Exactly, our kids' spending is out of control.

Boy, what did you spend $315 on?

It's my NBA game.

I bought virtual clothes for my virtual players.

And you about to get a virtual ass-whuppin'.

Man, do you know when I was your age that I was lucky

if I had actual clothes on my actual back?

I went to school naked twice.

And thank God, they graded on the curve.

It gets worse. Keep reading.

Why is the phone bill so high?

That's because your daughter forgets the turn the Wi-Fi on

on her phone when, for some strange reason,

she falls asleep to "Harry Potter" movies

every night.

It's kind of like white noise.

Girl, when we were young, we fell asleep to black noise.

Yeah, there was police siren, gunshots,

people screaming, "Oh, hell no, he didn't!"

And loud Latino music going... [singing]

And any time they would... [yells]

- We woke up. - [phone dings]

Uh, my Uber's here, so I'm gonna go see Danielle.

Uber? What, what, what, hold on,

little child Kardashian.

What?

Girl, Danielle's house is so close,

I can toss a rock and hit it.

Um, Mom, can you hand wash my green sweater tonight?

Thanks, love you.

Later, Dad.

These kids is out of control.

How did you let them get like this?

How I did I let them get like this?

That's what I just asked you.

Here we go, Stevie.

The untold Marlon and Ashley story:

We give our kids everything and now we mad.

Ever since the divorce, you been letting these kids

get away with murder.

You coddle them.

Well, you spoil them.

You get Zack every new gadget that comes along.

Come on, that is not true.

[buzzing]

Super bad timing, dude.

Ooh, sorry, Dad.

Marlon, I think that we can both agree that,

since the divorce, we indulge them a little bit.

No, you indulge them. I mean, for God's sake,

you breastfed Zack till he was old enough to put quick in it.

My parents indulged my every whim as a kid,

and I turned out A-Okay.

You're a 40-year-old unpaid intern

who sleeps on another man's couch.

I bet you have an atrocious credit score.

Marlon, you and I need to work together to rein in

- our children. - I agree.

I'm about to bring the thunder.

Oh, no, no, you don't get to bring in the thunder

because then comes lightning, and things get burned.

All right? We're gonna go with my thunder.

Girl, you ain't got no thunder.

You living in bougie-ass Sherman Oaks.

Oh, don't sleep on the Oaks, okay?

My parents were hardcore, and Mama's 'bout to

turn this place upside down.

What in the entire hell is that?

It's a chore wheel.

Are we gonna hit them with that?

Or we could put the little boy on it and just spin.

I mean, not till he throw up, but just so he walk like this.

Marlon, I'm going to hit them with responsibility.

[scoffs] Good luck.

Okay, this is a chore wheel.

You finish a chore, you put a check on the wheel,

then, and only then, do you get extra incentives and perks...

Money for your Uber or video games, extra dessert,

and then there's my personal favorite,

snuggle time with Mom.

All right, get to spinning.

Welcome to the Wheel of Unfortune!

What episode of "Full House" did you get that idea from?

? ?

Why are we divorced, but I'm still carrying your groceries?

Why are we divorced, but you're still eating up

all my food?

Marlon, look at this! Oh!

And you doubted the wheel.

Almost everything is checked off.

Oh, my gosh, and look at how beautiful these are folded.

Wow.

Whose house is this? My house!

[singing cheerfully]

Done.

Now, there is a load of darks in the dryer,

and I left the raked leaves

in cute little bags near the garage.

- Who are you? - I'm Jeanette.

I'm a Task Rabbit.

I'm Marlon. I'm a Leo.

- Hi, Marlon. - Jeanette, you are an angel.

Ooh, well, thank you.

- What was that? - Jeanette from Task Rabbit.

It's an app where people do tasks for you.

We got all the chores done.

Bring it in, Mom.

Looks like somebody earned a snuggle.

You can bring the thunder.

Whose house is this?

? ?

Dad, why are all the bathrooms locked upstairs?

Because we only have one bathroom.

- What? - Yep, right there

off the living room.

And guess what? The entire family shares it.

- Dad, what's up with the Wi-Fi? - Wi-Fi?

Girl, there ain't no Wi-Fi in the projects.

Dad, we don't live in the projects.

You do now.

[hip-hop beat]

Say good-bye to all your little bougie luxuries.

Does Mom know about this?

- Marlon! - She does now.

Um, why are all the bathrooms locked upstairs?

Daddy says there's only one bathroom in the projects.

Hmm?

Is all of this necessary?

I don't know, maybe we should ask Jeanette from Task Rabbit.

You heard your father.

We're being wrongfully punished!

We didn't do anything.

Except spend money that you didn't earn.

You know, growing up, nobody gave me nothing.

See the way I said that? Nothing!

You could feel the poverty in my voice when I said, "nothing."

But that made me self-sufficient,

and it made me appreciate what I had, and I'm gonna

do the same thing for you two.

Marlon, where's the toilet paper?

Girl, ain't no toilet paper in the projects!

Here, soften this up for your mama.

- How do you... - Come on, boy, get to work!

? ?

Why do I have to wear Mom's old clothes?

Those are called "hand-me-downs."

See, you can no longer afford new-new.

You got old-new.

So you take your mama's old clothes,

and now they're new to you.

And apparently your mama went through a TLC phase.

Oh, would you rather wear your favorite hand-washed

- Chi Chi sweater? - Oh, God, yes.

Awesome, right?

Yeah, well, too bad you went and spilled Kool-Aid all over it

at Ray-Ray's rent party.

They be tripping at Ray-Ray's.

You know, growing up,

I had to do my entire family's laundry.

Now baby girl, you are gonna inherit that responsibility.

We only have one washing machine.

This is gonna take forever.

[scoffs] Girl, you funny.

There ain't no washing machine in the PJs.

Yeah, you got to haul that to the laundromat,

or, what my father used to call it, the bendex.

Yeah, you got to put that all on your back and carry it

like black Santa Claus.

That's right, go on, here. Put these on your back

- and go on girl, come on. - Uh-uh.

Get going... Here, don't forget

your bus schedule. Here you go.

Put... Put that right there. Now hurry up.

You're gonna take the 2 to the 5, get a transfer.

You're gonna take 12 to the 8 to the 13 to the 62

back down to the 85, then you're gonna cross town and take the 2

back down to the metro, the you're gonna walk

three or four blocks, and, if any old people

get on the bus, you better get your little snot nose up

and let them sit.

? ?

How much will it cost for you to upgrade your NBA team on Xbox?

Eh, 20 bucks 'cause I gotta get LeBron some new shoes.

Negro, you gotta get you some new shoes.

Those look like some turked up sweet potatoes.

Son, your 20 bucks?

It's right here in this dumpster.

In here, son, is bottles and cans.

And, for every can, you get 5�.

All you gotta do is collect enough bottles and cans

for your $20.

Great, so, how do we get the cans?

"We" don't.

You do.

- Here you go, upsy-daisy. - Dad, what are you doing?

I'm putting you in the garbage.

Go find your treasure, son.

I'll be right here waiting.

? ?

Just so you know, I got a new job where I do

random tasks for people,

and they pay me.

So you're doing Task Rabbit.

No, I started my own app: Job Goblin.

I am the Job Goblin.

I gobble up jobs.

[phone dings]

My first request.

Okay, this guy's gonna pay me $30 to toss his...

- Oh, that's not a real job. - Oh, ooh.

[laughter]

Uh, what the hell?

Hell ain't got nothing on the projects.

Welcome.

Ashley, I am teaching these children to appreciate

what they got.

These babies don't know the struggle.

Well, it certainly smells like struggle in here.

Ahh, Marley's making dinner.

Yep, a good ol' ghetto recipe.

It's called "Whatever the Hell We Got Left

in the Cupboard Rice."

Let's taste that, baby girl.

Mm, ooh, hot, it's a little hot.

Ooh, hot, a little hot.

Wash this down with some drank.

Don't you mean Kool-Aid?

In the projects, we can't afford no Kool-Aid.

We get drank.

Uh, is that cherry?

Cherry? No, there ain't no flavors.

It's just red.

What is this? This is sour.

This tastes like some white person tried to make

Kool-Aid with salt water.

Girl, you gonna have to get some sugar up in here.

You gotta get some flavor.

You put a little bit of sugar in there.

Just a little. Just a little, there you go.

Now that's drank.

Let me see that.

Get a little bit of that, oh.

Mm, oh, I can just feel the blood sugar levels rising

and hypertension just kicking in.

Whoo! Mmm.

Daddy, I'm done with the toilet paper.

Let me see.

I don't know, son.

It could be a little softer.

What in the...?

Marlon, where is the TV?

Right there.

That's a nice TV for the projects.

And it comes with a remote control.

Zack!

Turn to channel 2.

Marlon, what is going on?

What happened to the heat?

Girl, ain't no heat in the projects.

Child, I don't get my check for another three weeks.

You know the government is trippin',

but don't worry... I got you covered.

Nothing warms the soul more than a good garbage can fire,

some cheap wine, and the family gathered around singing

some old doo-wop standards.

? Dup-do-do-do, do-do-do-do ?

- ? Saturday! ? - Hey, hey.

Are those bars on my windows?

Yep. Don't worry... it's just on the first floor.

You know, keep the crackheads out.

- Marlon, this is insane... - Hmm?

Because we don't have crackheads in this neighborhood.

You will at 4:00 a.m.

I might've hired a guy.

Ash, this is exactly the way I grew up,

and look what it did for me.

Made you a damn lunatic.

Okay, Marlon,

we clearly have two different ways of doing things,

but we need to find a third because

this is not working.

Shut it down, and turn on the heat.

So just to be clear, that's a no on the crackhead, right?

? ?

[hip-hop beat]

I was right to shut it down.

Our kids are not that bad.

Mm.

What's that mean?

Coffee run?

No, no, no, hold on, Yvette.

If you got something to say, then just say it.

Your kids are bougie brats.

You better shut up, bitch.

I'm sorry, that's just the knee-jerk reaction I have

when somebody talks about my kids.

Go on.

All I'm saying is my cousin, Gloria, she's a doctor, right?

- Mm-hmm. - Got two kids,

gave them everything, just like y'all.

They let them run up their credit card, just like y'all.

Bought them cars, houses, and rehab, just like y'all...

will, eventually.

So where are her kids now?

Well, Reggie's growing weed in her basement.

And Leesie's episode of "Hoarders"

was the season finale.

You think Marlon was right?

Well, all I gotta say, and it ain't easy,

he ain't wrong.

"Hoarders," huh?

Dead cats and pizza boxes, girl.

? ?

Man, I just walked three blocks, and nothing.

No, I cannot press "9," 'cause you know why?

It is a rotary phone!

Hold on.

- Marlon. - Hi, um,

y-you remember how you told me to shut it down?

Uh, well, something happened.

No, no, no, I don't need you to shut it down.

I am completely on board.

We are not raising no bougie brats.

Hey, kids, get down here!

Uh, uh, the kids, t-they aren't upstairs.

Well, where are they?

They, um, see, what had happened was...

Remember how you said, you know, shut it down?

- Mm-hmm? - And you was emphatic.

- You said, "shut it down!" - Mm-hmm.

So I shut it down, and then the kids, they, you know,

they was walking around like, "la-Di-da-Di-da," you know,

looking all bougie and looking at me like,

"Heh, Mama says shut it down." I just... I just snapped.

My eye went like this, and I just snapped.

And I gave them a couple of slices of government cheese

and a canteen of red drank,

and I sent them out into the world.

And then what?

Then you came back, and you was like, "Where's the kids?"

And-and now you all caught up.

- It's 8:00. - Mm-hmm.

You haven't seen them all day?

One second.

Yeah, I'm gonna have to call you back.

Okay.

How could you let this happen?

Me? You the one that

left me by myself!

Do you know how hard it is for a single father to raise

two children by theyself in the projects?

We have to find them.

Damn, damn, damn.

? ?

Okay, well, if you... if you see 'em, can you just

have 'em come home or call us or something?

Thank you so much.

Any luck?

First I went to Tanner's, and Zack wasn't there.

Then I ran to Danielle's...

you know, a lot further away than I thought.

So then I Ubered home.

They're nowhere to be found.

Okay, all right, calm down, Marlon.

These bougie kids ain't ready for the real world.

You know Zack once got stuck

on a broken escalator for 45 minutes?

You're right. I better call 911.

Where the hell have you two been?

I am worried white thinking about you!

Well, you said we can do anything we wanted,

so we went to go see "Zombie Clown Mountain."

But you don't have any money.

Oh, I noticed that people in neighborhoods like ours

don't cash in cans.

They put them in the blue bin by the curb.

So I used the bus schedule to get us to nice neighborhoods.

Okay, but that's an R-rated movie,

so how did you get in?

That was a job for the Job Goblin.

They gave me 6 bucks to chaperone.

I'm sorry, "gave"? No, paid.

Dad, we realized it must've been really hard

growing up in the projects.

Yeah, so we bought you this real toilet paper to say thanks

for everything you guys do for us.

Get outta here.

[phone dings]

Little bastards only gave me two stars.

Ah, they're safe.

So we're not raising bougie brats.

No, we're not.

I just wanna say I'm sorry.

Took things a little too far this weekend.

Uh-huh.

It's just that growing up with nothing...

It made me work for everything.

And I got scared that, by giving them everything,

they'd end up with nothing.

So, I guess it's not so bad if we... coddle and spoil them?

Little bit. As long as we...

you know, check 'em every now and then.

Got give 'em a Fulton projects chitchat!

[screams]

There are bugs all over the floor!

- What? - Hey, don't worry about it!

It's just cockroaches.

Oh, my God, they're flying!

Relax, these are the ones I shipped in from Puerto Rico.

Don't worry, they listen to Spanish.

Si�ntate! Mira, si�ntate!

Marlon, shut it down!

I wanna get out of here,

but I'm stuck to this damn plastic.

Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0