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What's up, people?
Ten years ago, I posted a video
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with the coolest girl
3
00:00:03,951 --> 00:00:05,475
on the entire planet:
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00:00:05,476 --> 00:00:06,576
my daughter.
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00:00:06,577 --> 00:00:08,411
Marley, what's rule number one?
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I will never grow up.
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And what's rule number two?
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I'll never, ever, ever grow up.
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And what you gonna do
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00:00:16,153 --> 00:00:18,221
when them boys start showing up?
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Boys are gross, so I'll be throwing up.
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Ugh.
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[groans]
14
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? Marlon, Marlon, Marlon,
Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ?
15
00:00:25,029 --> 00:00:26,996
? Marlon, Marlon, Marlon,
Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ?
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00:00:26,997 --> 00:00:28,765
? Marlon, Marlon, Marlon,
Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ?
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Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
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[hip-hop music]
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Yes!
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00:00:36,774 --> 00:00:38,007
Ah!
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00:00:38,008 --> 00:00:40,743
I did that do till it was done, honey.
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[laughing]
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00:00:41,846 --> 00:00:46,082
Ashley, doesn't she look amazing?
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More like amazed.
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00:00:48,319 --> 00:00:51,253
Yeah, I can't really close my eyes.
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Hello, people I love.
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00:00:54,358 --> 00:00:56,493
Mm. Yvette.
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00:00:56,494 --> 00:00:58,995
Stevie, who are you on the phone with?
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00:00:58,996 --> 00:01:00,396
Radio station. Been on hold for hours
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00:01:00,397 --> 00:01:01,331
trying to win Beyonc� tickets.
31
00:01:01,332 --> 00:01:02,999
Uh, thanks, Aunt Yvette.
32
00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:06,768
I'm gonna go look at
it in the big mirror.
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Y... hey.
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00:01:09,807 --> 00:01:10,707
[murmurs]
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00:01:10,708 --> 00:01:12,074
Mm-mm.
36
00:01:13,477 --> 00:01:16,746
Did she just Jackie
Chan my hug and kiss?
37
00:01:16,747 --> 00:01:19,315
You know, she's been doing that
a lot lately.
38
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It's kind of weird, you know?
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She's wearing perfume, new hairdo,
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won't let me look over
her shoulder when she's texting.
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It's all sneaky, like...
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Well, I think it's pretty obvious
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what's going on here.
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- Yeah.
- Damn right.
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Our baby girl's dealing drugs.
46
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Marlon, she wants
to look good for boys.
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[laughs] Don't be ridiculous.
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[scoffs]
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Marlon, you can act a fool
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all you want, but your baby girl
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is crushing on a dude,
and y'all better get ready,
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'cause the party is about to start.
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[laughs]
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Well, uh, we black,
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and, uh, we coming to that party late.
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Yvette, he has been
dreading this moment
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for Marley's entire life.
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Because where I'm from,
you have a crush at 14,
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you're pregnant by 16,
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00:02:05,663 --> 00:02:07,630
and you a grandma by 28.
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00:02:07,631 --> 00:02:09,232
Now, I ain't going to have
no little boy
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with some nappy hair,
talking about, "Hey, Papa."
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No.
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00:02:12,436 --> 00:02:15,538
No, little Negro. Call me Marlon.
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Marlon, I remember my first crush.
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I think I was, like, 12.
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12?
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[laughs] Look, I ain't saying you a ho,
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but that's on the spectrum.
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Actually, Marlon,
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12 is when primitive
females gave birth.
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The pelvis starts to expand
to accommodate the baby's...
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Hello?
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Why, yes, I would enjoy
two free Beyonc� tickets.
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I will hold.
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Stevie?
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I never realized that we both
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were fans of Beyonc�.
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How about we talk about it
over dinner tonight?
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00:02:50,474 --> 00:02:52,775
My treat?
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00:02:52,776 --> 00:02:54,177
I see what you're doing, Yvette.
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Uh-huh.
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And I'm gonna let you do it.
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I'd like to eat at the Rainforest Cafe.
85
00:03:00,551 --> 00:03:02,485
The Rainforest Cafe?
86
00:03:02,486 --> 00:03:04,887
That stupid place
with all the mechanical parrots
87
00:03:04,888 --> 00:03:05,922
and all that humidity?
88
00:03:05,923 --> 00:03:06,956
Do you know what that place
89
00:03:06,957 --> 00:03:08,725
is gonna do to my hair?
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00:03:08,726 --> 00:03:10,859
Yes, I do.
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00:03:12,096 --> 00:03:14,697
Marlon, how exciting.
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00:03:14,698 --> 00:03:16,699
Our baby has her first crush.
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00:03:16,700 --> 00:03:19,802
It's gonna be a long time
before that party starts.
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00:03:19,803 --> 00:03:20,969
[door closes]
95
00:03:21,939 --> 00:03:24,707
Well, the clown's here.
96
00:03:24,708 --> 00:03:27,276
Uh, I don't know if you guys can tell,
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but I put on a little makeup.
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00:03:29,446 --> 00:03:31,381
- No, are you kidding me?
- No, it looks so natural.
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I didn't even know.
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I thought you woke up like this.
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Dang.
102
00:03:35,753 --> 00:03:38,620
Your face makes me want a Happy Meal.
103
00:03:42,226 --> 00:03:44,994
Well, there's this boy
at school, and...
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I really like him,
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00:03:46,196 --> 00:03:48,097
and he asked if he can come over here
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to study tomorrow night
for our geometry test.
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00:03:50,300 --> 00:03:52,335
Oh, sweetheart.
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Yay. That's so great.
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Oh, yeah.
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Of course he can come.
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Isn't that wonderful, Marlon?
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Marlon.
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00:04:06,984 --> 00:04:09,686
Yeah.
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My little girl...
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into boys.
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[chuckling]
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00:04:15,659 --> 00:04:17,626
[inhales loudly]
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Why?
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? ?
120
00:04:29,422 --> 00:04:31,290
[hip-hop music]
121
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Okay, stop that.
122
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We need to discuss this rationally.
123
00:04:35,162 --> 00:04:36,796
Okay, let's be rational.
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I don't want my daughter dating
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until we're both dead,
126
00:04:40,134 --> 00:04:42,602
and you're gonna go first...
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00:04:42,603 --> 00:04:43,637
because I eat well,
128
00:04:43,638 --> 00:04:45,274
and you got a really bad habit
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of texting and driving.
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Okay.
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00:04:48,576 --> 00:04:50,010
You know, you always do this.
132
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Remember when you said
that she was too young
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00:04:51,913 --> 00:04:53,880
to take the training wheels
off her bicycle?
134
00:04:53,881 --> 00:04:56,416
And remember what happened
when you took them off?
135
00:04:56,417 --> 00:04:58,810
She got a bump on the chin,
four stitches on the head.
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00:04:58,811 --> 00:05:02,489
Girl walking around looking
like little black Frankenstein.
137
00:05:02,490 --> 00:05:03,790
Look, she's not ready.
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00:05:03,791 --> 00:05:06,059
She is ready.
139
00:05:06,060 --> 00:05:07,694
And you know what, Marlon?
140
00:05:07,695 --> 00:05:10,163
We're lucky that she came to us.
141
00:05:10,164 --> 00:05:11,464
I tried to go to my dad,
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00:05:11,465 --> 00:05:13,297
and like you, he overreacted.
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00:05:13,298 --> 00:05:14,482
I couldn't talk to him.
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00:05:14,483 --> 00:05:16,937
I learned everything I know
now from Prince lyrics.
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00:05:16,938 --> 00:05:19,539
Oh, damn.
146
00:05:19,540 --> 00:05:23,877
I don't want my baby in a
hotel lobby with a magazine.
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This is happening.
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00:05:25,279 --> 00:05:27,380
Now, you can either resist it,
149
00:05:27,381 --> 00:05:30,383
or you can embrace it.
150
00:05:30,384 --> 00:05:32,052
Can't we just
stuff her back up in there,
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00:05:32,053 --> 00:05:33,819
and let her, like...
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00:05:37,491 --> 00:05:38,959
Hey, baby girl.
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00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:43,095
So... you like a boy.
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So uh, what's the little guy's name?
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Eugene.
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Eugene!
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00:05:55,576 --> 00:05:58,510
That's a nice, nerd name.
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I'm intrigued.
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00:06:01,315 --> 00:06:03,450
Tell me about Eugene.
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00:06:03,451 --> 00:06:05,919
Well, I met him
in the drama club, so...
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00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:08,254
Drama club?
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00:06:08,255 --> 00:06:12,124
Drama club Eugene!
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[in English accent] Oh, do go on.
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And he kind of helps out
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with the football team.
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Water boy!
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I'm so nervous.
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How do I know if a boy even likes me?
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00:06:29,677 --> 00:06:32,912
Well, when a boy likes a girl,
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he gives her certain looks, right?
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It's like your mom.
When I first saw her,
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I gave her the look
over the chain link fence.
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Like, "Hey."
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Look at her over there giggling.
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Look, see, that's when
I knew I had her.
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She was like, "Mm-hmm,
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00:06:44,925 --> 00:06:48,561
"I see you over there, Slim.
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00:06:48,562 --> 00:06:52,499
"With your nappy, curly hair...
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00:06:52,500 --> 00:06:55,969
"and your lil' cocoa-brown complexion.
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00:06:55,970 --> 00:06:57,470
"I know you got some Indian in you,
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00:06:57,471 --> 00:06:59,406
"and I'm not talking
about the kind with curry.
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00:06:59,407 --> 00:07:01,841
"It's either Cherokee,
183
00:07:01,842 --> 00:07:04,009
or you Blackfooted-ed."
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00:07:05,279 --> 00:07:08,882
[laughing]
185
00:07:08,883 --> 00:07:11,918
Yeah, I don't think
I can pull that off.
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00:07:11,919 --> 00:07:13,720
A'ight.
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00:07:13,721 --> 00:07:17,023
All you have to do is be yourself.
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00:07:17,024 --> 00:07:19,759
You know, the day you were born,
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I fell in love with you,
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00:07:21,729 --> 00:07:23,863
and I'm pretty sure Eugene will too.
191
00:07:23,864 --> 00:07:26,398
Thanks, Daddy.
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00:07:28,803 --> 00:07:31,838
You know, sometimes you really
have a way with words.
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00:07:31,839 --> 00:07:33,839
I hit you off, right?
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00:07:35,176 --> 00:07:37,444
And sometimes you don't.
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00:07:37,445 --> 00:07:41,514
? ?
196
00:07:41,515 --> 00:07:44,284
Marley's friend is gonna
be here any minute.
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00:07:44,285 --> 00:07:45,652
You sure you gonna be okay?
198
00:07:45,653 --> 00:07:48,254
I'm good. He's a nerd.
199
00:07:48,255 --> 00:07:49,856
[doorbell rings]
200
00:07:49,857 --> 00:07:51,357
There he is right now.
201
00:07:51,358 --> 00:07:53,026
He's probably gonna be like,
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00:07:53,027 --> 00:07:55,929
"Hi.
203
00:07:55,930 --> 00:07:57,864
"My name is Eugene.
204
00:07:57,865 --> 00:08:01,801
"I love washing jockstraps,
205
00:08:01,802 --> 00:08:04,003
"and I'm totally into the
'Hamilton' soundtrack,
206
00:08:04,004 --> 00:08:06,238
'cause it makes me
feel so swagged out."
207
00:08:07,908 --> 00:08:10,042
I'll be fine.
208
00:08:11,579 --> 00:08:14,047
Hey, uh, is Marley home?
209
00:08:14,048 --> 00:08:15,982
Yeah.
210
00:08:15,983 --> 00:08:17,883
Give me one second, brah.
211
00:08:20,254 --> 00:08:22,087
That's a dead man right there.
212
00:08:24,845 --> 00:08:25,711
[hip-hop music]
213
00:08:25,980 --> 00:08:27,347
15.
214
00:08:27,348 --> 00:08:31,184
That brother look every bit of 32.
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00:08:31,185 --> 00:08:32,463
He probably got a mortgage,
216
00:08:32,464 --> 00:08:34,254
child support payments due.
217
00:08:34,255 --> 00:08:35,422
That man is old.
218
00:08:35,423 --> 00:08:39,359
He look like second-term Barack Obama.
219
00:08:39,360 --> 00:08:40,727
I think he graduated with me.
220
00:08:40,728 --> 00:08:41,695
He's in my yearbook.
221
00:08:41,696 --> 00:08:43,796
Let me get my yearbook.
222
00:08:47,001 --> 00:08:48,535
Guess what?
223
00:08:48,536 --> 00:08:50,837
He bought me my favorite
caramel frappe.
224
00:08:50,838 --> 00:08:53,273
Aw, sweetheart. That's so nice.
225
00:08:53,274 --> 00:08:55,675
- He's adorable.
- Oh, yeah.
226
00:08:55,676 --> 00:08:58,545
Um, baby, you said he helps out
with the football team?
227
00:08:58,546 --> 00:09:00,825
Yeah, he helps out by throwing
the ball to everyone
228
00:09:00,826 --> 00:09:01,880
during the game.
229
00:09:05,253 --> 00:09:07,586
He's the damn quarterback.
230
00:09:09,957 --> 00:09:12,292
I'm telling you, that boy only
got one thing on his mind.
231
00:09:12,293 --> 00:09:14,361
Marlon, we are right here.
232
00:09:14,362 --> 00:09:17,731
- Nothing is gonna happen.
- You damn right.
233
00:09:17,732 --> 00:09:20,333
Zack.
234
00:09:20,334 --> 00:09:22,802
All right, I need you
to go bug your sister.
235
00:09:22,803 --> 00:09:25,238
- I'm on it.
- My dude.
236
00:09:25,239 --> 00:09:26,706
You need to relax.
237
00:09:26,707 --> 00:09:28,708
He is only 15 years old.
238
00:09:28,709 --> 00:09:31,678
15? Do you know what I was doing at 15?
239
00:09:31,679 --> 00:09:34,047
15-year-old boys,
they're walking hormones.
240
00:09:34,048 --> 00:09:35,015
They just walk around.
241
00:09:35,016 --> 00:09:36,483
They just hump all day.
242
00:09:36,484 --> 00:09:38,685
Just... their bodies just do this.
243
00:09:38,686 --> 00:09:40,887
When I was 15,
I would just hump anything.
244
00:09:40,888 --> 00:09:43,290
Blankets, it didn't matter what it was.
245
00:09:43,291 --> 00:09:45,458
Look, Zack, go away.
246
00:09:45,459 --> 00:09:46,493
God.
247
00:09:46,494 --> 00:09:47,989
Uh, Eugene, do you want to go
248
00:09:47,990 --> 00:09:50,030
up to my room and study?
249
00:09:50,031 --> 00:09:51,331
It's on. That's my cue.
250
00:09:51,332 --> 00:09:53,566
It's time for the daddy beatdown.
251
00:09:53,567 --> 00:09:55,334
No, I'm cool right here, babe.
252
00:09:59,473 --> 00:10:00,907
Did you hear that?
253
00:10:00,908 --> 00:10:02,475
Oh, this is worse than we thought.
254
00:10:02,476 --> 00:10:05,245
We didn't think anything.
255
00:10:05,246 --> 00:10:06,313
Come here.
256
00:10:06,314 --> 00:10:08,181
Girl, look. Look at this.
257
00:10:08,182 --> 00:10:09,149
Come here. Look at this.
258
00:10:09,150 --> 00:10:10,717
Look at that man. Look...
259
00:10:10,718 --> 00:10:13,252
- Boy, you better get off me.
- Okay, but...
260
00:10:14,121 --> 00:10:15,555
Look for the circumference.
261
00:10:15,556 --> 00:10:16,890
This boy is diabolical.
262
00:10:16,891 --> 00:10:19,526
He's using her to pass
the geometry test.
263
00:10:19,527 --> 00:10:21,594
Or maybe he's just a nice boy
264
00:10:21,595 --> 00:10:23,263
who enjoys our daughter's company.
265
00:10:23,264 --> 00:10:25,931
What? She is boring as hell.
266
00:10:29,036 --> 00:10:30,737
Have you seen her Snapchat?
267
00:10:30,738 --> 00:10:31,503
Oh, my God.
268
00:10:32,106 --> 00:10:34,339
I unfollowed her four months ago.
269
00:10:35,876 --> 00:10:37,310
Uh, excuse me, miss,
270
00:10:37,311 --> 00:10:38,854
can I get another Rice Krispie Treat?
271
00:10:38,855 --> 00:10:40,324
Those are, like, the best I ever had.
272
00:10:40,325 --> 00:10:42,124
Oh, sure, of course.
273
00:10:42,950 --> 00:10:44,951
[laughing]
274
00:10:44,952 --> 00:10:45,952
Here you go.
275
00:10:45,953 --> 00:10:46,987
Thank you.
276
00:10:46,988 --> 00:10:48,455
See, he's harmless.
277
00:10:48,456 --> 00:10:49,756
Are you that blind?
278
00:10:49,757 --> 00:10:51,291
That man-dude just flirted with you,
279
00:10:51,292 --> 00:10:53,593
and you didn't even see that?
280
00:10:53,594 --> 00:10:54,861
He had a little sexy voice on.
281
00:10:54,862 --> 00:10:55,862
He's rubbing his little...
282
00:10:55,863 --> 00:10:57,497
his little chin hairs.
283
00:10:57,498 --> 00:11:02,469
"Yo, can you get me another
Rice Krispie Treat?
284
00:11:02,470 --> 00:11:04,738
"Like, those was the best-est
Rice Krispie Treats
285
00:11:04,739 --> 00:11:06,573
I ever had."
286
00:11:06,574 --> 00:11:08,975
Your Rice Krispie Treats are terrible.
287
00:11:08,976 --> 00:11:10,677
Zack!
288
00:11:10,678 --> 00:11:12,946
Do you like Mommy's
Rice Krispie Treats?
289
00:11:12,947 --> 00:11:14,914
It's only three ingredients, Mom.
290
00:11:14,915 --> 00:11:16,383
We don't know how you screw 'em up.
291
00:11:16,384 --> 00:11:17,717
Thank you.
292
00:11:17,718 --> 00:11:20,653
? ?
293
00:11:20,654 --> 00:11:21,721
- [Yvette whimpering]
- Ah!
294
00:11:21,722 --> 00:11:22,689
[screams]
295
00:11:22,690 --> 00:11:25,125
[laughs] Point.
296
00:11:25,126 --> 00:11:26,092
I've had enough.
297
00:11:26,093 --> 00:11:28,828
Stevie, you know
298
00:11:28,829 --> 00:11:30,864
how much I want that Beyonc� ticket,
299
00:11:30,865 --> 00:11:33,366
and you're just using me.
300
00:11:33,367 --> 00:11:35,435
Well, until I got the tickets,
301
00:11:35,436 --> 00:11:37,137
you showed no interest in me.
302
00:11:37,138 --> 00:11:39,572
So who, may I ask, is using whom?
303
00:11:39,573 --> 00:11:43,176
You know what? This isn't worth it.
304
00:11:43,177 --> 00:11:44,911
I'm just gonna watch it on cable
305
00:11:44,912 --> 00:11:47,514
while sipping a tall glass of lemonade.
306
00:11:47,515 --> 00:11:49,015
Do you know how many single ladies
307
00:11:49,016 --> 00:11:52,685
would kill for these tickets?
308
00:11:52,686 --> 00:11:54,954
All the single ladies.
309
00:11:54,955 --> 00:11:56,756
All the single ladies.
310
00:11:56,757 --> 00:11:58,457
[sighs]
311
00:12:00,327 --> 00:12:04,531
? ?
312
00:12:04,532 --> 00:12:06,431
That boy's gonna break her heart.
313
00:12:08,002 --> 00:12:10,070
- Marley?
- Oh, guess what?
314
00:12:10,071 --> 00:12:12,105
Eugene asked to study here
again tomorrow night,
315
00:12:12,106 --> 00:12:14,474
and he told me he doesn't
have a date for the dance.
316
00:12:14,475 --> 00:12:17,877
[both exclaiming]
317
00:12:17,878 --> 00:12:20,080
Here, sit.
318
00:12:20,081 --> 00:12:22,949
Uh, Marley, if there was a, uh,
319
00:12:22,950 --> 00:12:25,018
a "Harry Potter" spell
320
00:12:25,019 --> 00:12:27,253
that... that I can use to protect you
321
00:12:27,254 --> 00:12:30,256
from all the bad guys out there,
322
00:12:30,257 --> 00:12:31,891
you would use it, wouldn't you?
323
00:12:31,892 --> 00:12:34,960
Protego Maxima? Yeah, absolutely.
324
00:12:36,697 --> 00:12:39,466
Protego Maxima, yeah.
325
00:12:39,467 --> 00:12:42,836
Now I see why I unfollowed you.
326
00:12:42,837 --> 00:12:43,870
Well, here's the thing.
327
00:12:43,871 --> 00:12:46,106
There's a lot of boys your age
328
00:12:46,107 --> 00:12:48,508
that only want one thing from a girl.
329
00:12:48,509 --> 00:12:50,577
See, they want to use
their little wands
330
00:12:50,578 --> 00:12:51,578
to slay the dragon...
331
00:12:51,579 --> 00:12:52,946
Marlon!
332
00:12:52,947 --> 00:12:54,247
Focus.
333
00:12:54,248 --> 00:12:55,215
Focus, right.
334
00:12:55,216 --> 00:12:56,950
Okay.
335
00:12:56,951 --> 00:12:58,585
What I'm saying is,
336
00:12:58,586 --> 00:13:00,353
baby, he's using you
337
00:13:00,354 --> 00:13:03,022
just so he can pass the math test.
338
00:13:03,023 --> 00:13:05,325
Wait a minute.
339
00:13:05,326 --> 00:13:07,066
You don't think a boy like Eugene
340
00:13:07,067 --> 00:13:08,207
could actually like me?
341
00:13:08,208 --> 00:13:10,163
No, Marley, that's not what I'm saying.
342
00:13:10,164 --> 00:13:12,665
Baby, I'm just trying to protect you.
343
00:13:12,666 --> 00:13:13,867
You know what, Dad?
344
00:13:13,868 --> 00:13:16,503
When he comes over tomorrow night,
345
00:13:16,504 --> 00:13:18,770
I'd rather you not be here.
346
00:13:22,943 --> 00:13:24,410
[door closes upstairs]
347
00:13:24,411 --> 00:13:26,594
Did she just put me in timeout?
348
00:13:26,723 --> 00:13:28,580
? ?
349
00:13:29,494 --> 00:13:31,094
[upbeat music]
350
00:13:31,420 --> 00:13:32,887
Eugene's gonna be here any minute.
351
00:13:32,888 --> 00:13:34,363
- You should go.
- So you still think
352
00:13:34,364 --> 00:13:35,865
I'm wrong, don't you?
353
00:13:35,866 --> 00:13:38,467
Yes, I do. I think you're wrong.
354
00:13:38,468 --> 00:13:40,503
You don't know that
little boy's intentions.
355
00:13:40,504 --> 00:13:44,674
I know it's not to get
busy with my daughter.
356
00:13:44,675 --> 00:13:45,875
Do you hear yourself?
357
00:13:45,876 --> 00:13:46,842
Yes.
358
00:13:46,843 --> 00:13:50,446
I sound crazy as hell.
359
00:13:50,447 --> 00:13:53,282
And that is why
she doesn't want you here.
360
00:13:53,283 --> 00:13:54,417
She didn't mean that.
361
00:13:54,418 --> 00:13:56,584
Daddy, I don't want you here.
362
00:13:57,454 --> 00:13:59,488
Maybe she did mean that.
363
00:13:59,489 --> 00:14:01,422
[groans]
364
00:14:03,560 --> 00:14:05,428
Hey, what's going on, Mr. Wayne?
365
00:14:05,429 --> 00:14:07,195
Mm-hmm.
366
00:14:08,265 --> 00:14:10,332
Uh, Eugene, I forgot my geometry book.
367
00:14:10,333 --> 00:14:13,269
- I'll be right back.
- All right.
368
00:14:13,270 --> 00:14:15,371
Hi, I made you some more Rice Krispies.
369
00:14:15,372 --> 00:14:18,006
Oh, this looks even better
than your last batch.
370
00:14:23,046 --> 00:14:26,047
You better sit down, Eugene.
371
00:14:29,753 --> 00:14:32,054
Marlon, you were right.
372
00:14:32,055 --> 00:14:34,924
Eugene just looked at
me over the fence.
373
00:14:34,925 --> 00:14:36,692
Yeah, and if you're right about that,
374
00:14:36,693 --> 00:14:38,594
then you might be right
about other things.
375
00:14:38,595 --> 00:14:41,097
- You're damn right...
- [screams]
376
00:14:41,098 --> 00:14:42,898
[softly] Jesus.
377
00:14:42,899 --> 00:14:44,566
Let me call you right back.
378
00:14:46,570 --> 00:14:47,536
[phone beeps]
379
00:14:47,537 --> 00:14:49,338
What are you doing here?
380
00:14:49,339 --> 00:14:51,373
Well, I wasn't gonna
leave my daughter alone
381
00:14:51,374 --> 00:14:53,642
with the geometry gigolo.
382
00:14:53,643 --> 00:14:56,979
So I climbed in
through your bedroom window.
383
00:14:56,980 --> 00:14:59,648
Marlon, I'm afraid
he's gonna break her heart.
384
00:14:59,649 --> 00:15:01,617
- See, that's it.
- No, no, no.
385
00:15:01,618 --> 00:15:03,085
You can't go down there.
386
00:15:03,086 --> 00:15:04,954
Then why did you call me back here?
387
00:15:04,955 --> 00:15:07,990
I didn't call you back here.
You broke in.
388
00:15:07,991 --> 00:15:10,493
- Right.
- I just wanted your support.
389
00:15:10,494 --> 00:15:12,261
She's gonna get hurt.
390
00:15:12,262 --> 00:15:16,198
This is like the training wheels
moment all over again.
391
00:15:16,199 --> 00:15:18,934
Exactly, and you want her
to fall and bust her ass
392
00:15:18,935 --> 00:15:20,236
and get stitches again?
393
00:15:20,237 --> 00:15:22,371
Marlon...
394
00:15:22,372 --> 00:15:25,808
what happened after
she got the stitches?
395
00:15:25,809 --> 00:15:28,878
She got back up on her bike,
and she learned to ride.
396
00:15:28,879 --> 00:15:30,746
Exactly.
397
00:15:30,747 --> 00:15:32,148
Our job is to be here
398
00:15:32,149 --> 00:15:36,117
to dust her off and kiss her bruises.
399
00:15:38,021 --> 00:15:39,288
You're right.
400
00:15:39,289 --> 00:15:41,323
But you know when she was little,
401
00:15:41,324 --> 00:15:42,858
- and she'd hurt herself?
- Mm-hmm.
402
00:15:42,859 --> 00:15:44,693
She fell on the bike.
I'd grab the bike and say,
403
00:15:44,694 --> 00:15:46,495
"Bike, you so stupid,"
and I grabbed the bike,
404
00:15:46,496 --> 00:15:47,897
and I threw it into the tree,
and I said,
405
00:15:47,898 --> 00:15:49,665
"Don't you hurt my daughter."
406
00:15:49,666 --> 00:15:52,868
That's what I want to do with the dude.
407
00:15:52,869 --> 00:15:56,639
? ?
408
00:15:56,640 --> 00:15:58,574
Wow.
409
00:15:58,575 --> 00:16:01,210
You look great.
410
00:16:01,211 --> 00:16:02,978
I know.
411
00:16:02,979 --> 00:16:05,347
Beyonc� is gonna want
to pull me up onstage
412
00:16:05,348 --> 00:16:08,117
when she sees me dancing in this.
413
00:16:08,118 --> 00:16:09,819
- Just one thing before we go.
- Yeah?
414
00:16:09,820 --> 00:16:11,053
To get this upgrade,
415
00:16:11,054 --> 00:16:12,888
I kind of had to tell
a little white lie,
416
00:16:12,889 --> 00:16:14,475
and I need you to play along with it.
417
00:16:14,476 --> 00:16:15,825
Oh, we're still VIP, right?
418
00:16:15,826 --> 00:16:17,376
Down front near the stage, right?
419
00:16:17,377 --> 00:16:19,895
So close she'll shower
us with her sweat.
420
00:16:19,896 --> 00:16:20,963
[laughs] For that,
421
00:16:20,964 --> 00:16:23,131
I'll play along with anything.
422
00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:25,301
Isn't this fun?
423
00:16:25,302 --> 00:16:26,468
? ?
424
00:16:26,469 --> 00:16:29,572
I hate you, Stevie.
425
00:16:29,573 --> 00:16:31,874
For a girl who survived
getting hit by two buses,
426
00:16:31,875 --> 00:16:33,809
you got a pretty crappy attitude.
427
00:16:33,810 --> 00:16:35,544
Oh, I would choke you if I could just
428
00:16:35,545 --> 00:16:37,379
put my hands together.
429
00:16:37,380 --> 00:16:38,347
Oh, my God.
430
00:16:38,348 --> 00:16:40,382
Jay Z is on the catwalk.
431
00:16:40,383 --> 00:16:41,884
- Where?
- Look, look.
432
00:16:41,885 --> 00:16:43,451
He's going over there.
433
00:16:45,856 --> 00:16:48,424
So listen...
434
00:16:48,425 --> 00:16:50,125
I'm not really good
at this school thing,
435
00:16:50,126 --> 00:16:51,360
and if I don't pass this test,
436
00:16:51,361 --> 00:16:53,095
I'm getting kicked off
the football team.
437
00:16:53,096 --> 00:16:55,075
There's no way I'm gonna
learn this by tomorrow.
438
00:16:55,076 --> 00:16:58,167
So why don't you just
write out the formulas
439
00:16:58,168 --> 00:17:00,536
on a little piece of paper?
440
00:17:00,537 --> 00:17:02,271
Like a cheat sheet?
441
00:17:02,272 --> 00:17:03,405
Exactly.
442
00:17:03,406 --> 00:17:04,607
Let me just... let me just
443
00:17:04,608 --> 00:17:06,041
throw one of these at him, please.
444
00:17:06,042 --> 00:17:07,443
No, no.
445
00:17:07,444 --> 00:17:10,179
You'll kill him.
446
00:17:10,180 --> 00:17:13,015
I don't know what I do to them.
447
00:17:13,016 --> 00:17:14,450
Uh, so do you know
448
00:17:14,451 --> 00:17:16,195
who you're gonna ask to the dance yet?
449
00:17:16,196 --> 00:17:18,254
- Tanesha.
- Who?
450
00:17:18,255 --> 00:17:20,088
My girlfriend.
451
00:17:22,058 --> 00:17:24,126
Is this still a training wheels moment?
452
00:17:24,127 --> 00:17:26,061
No. That is your cue.
453
00:17:26,062 --> 00:17:27,796
Time for daddy beatdown.
454
00:17:27,797 --> 00:17:30,132
Oh, this is what I've been waiting for.
455
00:17:30,133 --> 00:17:32,801
Whoo!
456
00:17:32,802 --> 00:17:37,740
Ooh!
457
00:17:37,741 --> 00:17:39,775
Let me holler at you
real quick, playboy.
458
00:17:39,776 --> 00:17:40,743
Daddy...
459
00:17:40,744 --> 00:17:42,311
First of all, Eugene,
460
00:17:42,312 --> 00:17:44,380
you got a very misleading moniker.
461
00:17:44,381 --> 00:17:46,148
Okay, if you're going
to have a nerd's name,
462
00:17:46,149 --> 00:17:47,783
then you should be a damn nerd.
463
00:17:47,784 --> 00:17:49,808
Quarterbacks are supposed to
have cool, white-boy names,
464
00:17:49,809 --> 00:17:52,388
like Brett, or Chaz, or Dean,
465
00:17:52,389 --> 00:17:56,058
or Ace, or Chip.
466
00:17:56,059 --> 00:17:58,594
And secondly, I don't want
you coming around here
467
00:17:58,595 --> 00:18:00,329
with your grown face,
468
00:18:00,330 --> 00:18:02,965
your LeBron James cheekbones,
469
00:18:02,966 --> 00:18:05,234
your Robert Griffin III eyes,
470
00:18:05,235 --> 00:18:07,469
thumb-sucking but still grown,
471
00:18:07,470 --> 00:18:09,271
with your little pretzel lips,
472
00:18:09,272 --> 00:18:12,141
and your Grover from
"Sesame Street" naps
473
00:18:12,142 --> 00:18:14,043
after he'd been wet for three days
474
00:18:14,044 --> 00:18:16,078
and sat out and let him dry back up.
475
00:18:16,079 --> 00:18:18,280
With your half-man, half-kid body.
476
00:18:18,281 --> 00:18:20,182
You look strange with your sexy,
477
00:18:20,183 --> 00:18:22,718
evil Trey Songz intentions.
478
00:18:22,719 --> 00:18:24,987
And thirdly, I don't want you
coming around my house,
479
00:18:24,988 --> 00:18:26,422
messing with my daughter anymore.
480
00:18:26,423 --> 00:18:27,589
You understand me?
481
00:18:27,590 --> 00:18:29,959
Look, man, I got when I came for.
482
00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:31,460
See you around, Marley.
483
00:18:31,461 --> 00:18:32,795
You got what you came for?
484
00:18:32,796 --> 00:18:35,230
Oh, you...
485
00:18:35,231 --> 00:18:36,532
[sighs]
486
00:18:36,533 --> 00:18:39,634
[groaning]
487
00:18:40,537 --> 00:18:44,306
You... oh, you got what you came for?
488
00:18:44,307 --> 00:18:46,375
[groaning]
489
00:18:46,376 --> 00:18:48,043
Oh, you know what?
490
00:18:48,044 --> 00:18:50,646
I'm gonna set my alarm
for three years from now,
491
00:18:50,647 --> 00:18:52,281
and on his 18th birthday,
492
00:18:52,282 --> 00:18:53,869
I'm gonna show up at Dave & Busters,
493
00:18:53,870 --> 00:18:55,426
and he going to be playing Skee-Ball,
494
00:18:55,427 --> 00:18:57,186
and when that ball go up
like that there,
495
00:18:57,187 --> 00:19:00,089
I'm gonna come in and pow!
496
00:19:00,090 --> 00:19:01,913
I'm gonna punch him right in his chest.
497
00:19:01,914 --> 00:19:03,261
He'll be like... [groaning]
498
00:19:03,262 --> 00:19:04,226
500 points.
499
00:19:04,227 --> 00:19:06,962
[imitating game dinging]
500
00:19:06,963 --> 00:19:08,434
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna get me
501
00:19:08,435 --> 00:19:09,865
a hyperbaric chamber,
502
00:19:09,866 --> 00:19:11,594
and I'm gonna lie there for three years
503
00:19:11,595 --> 00:19:13,002
and preserve my youth,
504
00:19:13,003 --> 00:19:14,493
and then them doors gonna open...
505
00:19:14,494 --> 00:19:16,972
[hissing]
506
00:19:16,973 --> 00:19:18,574
And pow!
507
00:19:18,575 --> 00:19:20,142
Punch him right in the face.
508
00:19:20,143 --> 00:19:22,911
And if I miss, I'm gonna
play asleep like this here.
509
00:19:22,912 --> 00:19:24,013
And I'm gonna have an alien...
510
00:19:24,014 --> 00:19:25,014
[hissing]
511
00:19:25,015 --> 00:19:26,115
Bust out my chest...
512
00:19:26,116 --> 00:19:27,116
[growling]
513
00:19:27,117 --> 00:19:28,484
And jump on his face.
514
00:19:28,485 --> 00:19:30,452
[groaning]
515
00:19:30,453 --> 00:19:33,389
And I'm just gonna sit there
and let him suffocate.
516
00:19:33,390 --> 00:19:34,723
Not to death.
517
00:19:34,724 --> 00:19:36,324
Then I take one of your
Rice Krispie Treats
518
00:19:36,325 --> 00:19:39,461
and go, "Get off of him."
519
00:19:39,462 --> 00:19:42,731
Nobody messes with my baby.
520
00:19:42,732 --> 00:19:44,166
I'm not a baby. I'm 14.
521
00:19:44,167 --> 00:19:45,667
I can handle myself.
522
00:19:45,668 --> 00:19:48,737
Marley, when a dude
is using you to pass a test,
523
00:19:48,738 --> 00:19:50,506
you don't give him a cheat sheet.
524
00:19:50,507 --> 00:19:53,509
- He's not passing that test.
- What?
525
00:19:53,510 --> 00:19:56,011
All the formulas I gave him?
They're wrong.
526
00:19:56,012 --> 00:19:58,881
So he'll be off the football
team by Monday morning.
527
00:19:58,882 --> 00:20:00,381
[laughs]
528
00:20:03,219 --> 00:20:04,453
Wow.
529
00:20:04,454 --> 00:20:06,789
He was cute, though.
530
00:20:06,790 --> 00:20:10,926
Girl, he was a'ight.
531
00:20:10,927 --> 00:20:13,529
Listen, Marley.
532
00:20:13,530 --> 00:20:15,097
I learned something.
533
00:20:15,098 --> 00:20:17,148
You're not a baby anymore,
534
00:20:19,275 --> 00:20:21,041
and that's kinda of scary for me.
535
00:20:21,250 --> 00:20:23,135
One day you're going to meet a boy
536
00:20:23,136 --> 00:20:25,104
who likes you and appreciates you
537
00:20:25,105 --> 00:20:27,239
for everything that you are.
538
00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:28,874
And you know what?
539
00:20:28,875 --> 00:20:30,242
Daddy's gonna bury his ass
540
00:20:30,243 --> 00:20:32,143
right there in the backyard.
541
00:20:34,914 --> 00:20:36,882
- Hugs?
- Mm-mm.
542
00:20:36,883 --> 00:20:39,818
Oh, you're gonna Jackie
Chan this hug too?
543
00:20:39,819 --> 00:20:41,786
Not this one.
544
00:20:48,895 --> 00:20:50,729
Uh, you guys?
545
00:20:50,730 --> 00:20:52,330
Yeah, it's weird. You made it weird.
546
00:20:54,100 --> 00:20:55,333
? Marlon ?
547
00:20:55,689 --> 00:21:01,944
Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
548
00:21:01,994 --> 00:21:06,544
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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