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What's up, Internet freaks?
2
00:00:01,877 --> 00:00:02,777
I have a theory.
3
00:00:02,845 --> 00:00:05,002
Everybody has a weird thing about them
4
00:00:05,003 --> 00:00:06,413
that they keep on the D.L.
5
00:00:06,413 --> 00:00:09,072
For example, every morning,
my ex-wife Ashley
6
00:00:09,073 --> 00:00:10,641
has to sing her shower routine.
7
00:00:10,708 --> 00:00:13,710
? Lather up there, lather down here ?
8
00:00:13,811 --> 00:00:16,480
? Scrub-a-dub-dub,
always front to the rear ?
9
00:00:16,548 --> 00:00:19,716
Singing jazz while you wash your ass.
10
00:00:19,817 --> 00:00:23,053
Yvette refuses to be seen
without a full face of makeup,
11
00:00:23,154 --> 00:00:25,455
which is why we're dropping
by at 3:00 in the morning.
12
00:00:25,523 --> 00:00:27,991
Ha-ha.
13
00:00:28,092 --> 00:00:30,193
You tried it.
14
00:00:30,295 --> 00:00:33,163
And then there's Stevie,
who tends to blur the lines
15
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of relationships.
16
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No, I miss you more.
17
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No, you hang up. [giggles]
18
00:00:38,836 --> 00:00:42,506
Okay. Love you, Nana.
19
00:00:42,607 --> 00:00:45,609
That boy ain't right.
20
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? Marlon, Marlon, Marlon,
Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ?
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? Marlon, Marlon, Marlon,
Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ?
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00:00:49,547 --> 00:00:51,325
? Marlon, Marlon, Marlon,
Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ?
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? Marlon, Marlon
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Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
25
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[hip-hop music]
26
00:00:59,116 --> 00:01:01,184
Then he sends me a text saying
27
00:01:01,285 --> 00:01:03,319
that we need to slow things down
28
00:01:03,387 --> 00:01:07,323
after I done dropped a grip
on a damn kayak.
29
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Talking 'bout, "We gon' hit the lake."
30
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He a lie!
31
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Kayak?
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I thought we were talking about
CrossFit guy.
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CrossFit guy is why I bought
that giant tire.
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Talking 'bout,
"We gon' strengthen my core."
35
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He a lie, too!
36
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I'm telling you...
"LeRoy" pronounced "LaRoix."
37
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Jeez, Marlon, obvious much?
38
00:01:31,515 --> 00:01:33,750
Next you're gonna claim
it's "Tyrone" or "Malik."
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00:01:33,851 --> 00:01:36,352
Okay, what are you two arguing about?
40
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Both: Blackest name ever.
41
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Tackling the big issues, I see?
42
00:01:42,926 --> 00:01:45,495
I am three credits shy
of a bachelor's degree
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in African-American studies,
so I can assure you,
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the blackest name ever must
reflect our African heritage.
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Jarobi, Ademisope, Tahir.
46
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No, no, no, you are wrong.
47
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First of all, ain't no black person
48
00:02:00,136 --> 00:02:02,512
gon' name they baby Tahir.
49
00:02:02,579 --> 00:02:06,249
That's way too much spit in it.
"Tahir."
50
00:02:06,350 --> 00:02:09,218
They gotta be something made up,
like-like JaMarion.
51
00:02:09,286 --> 00:02:11,187
You know, the daddy's name is James,
52
00:02:11,255 --> 00:02:14,223
the mama's name is Marion,
but it's spelled weird.
53
00:02:14,291 --> 00:02:18,928
You know, it's like "J," apostrophe...
54
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"M-A," capital "R" for no damn reason,
55
00:02:23,067 --> 00:02:26,269
"I," with a hyphenated "O-N,"
56
00:02:26,370 --> 00:02:29,305
and there's a weird,
silent "Q" as well.
57
00:02:30,941 --> 00:02:32,308
[cell phone chimes]
58
00:02:32,409 --> 00:02:36,846
Ah! Another text from the kayaker.
59
00:02:36,914 --> 00:02:38,481
"Can we still hook up?"
60
00:02:38,582 --> 00:02:42,418
No, we cannot,
Quantavius Rasheed Jackson!
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00:02:45,956 --> 00:02:47,457
Oh, yeah, that's it right there.
62
00:02:47,558 --> 00:02:49,225
Black, blackity, black-black.
63
00:02:49,293 --> 00:02:52,295
No, that's bliggity black
black black black black.
64
00:02:52,396 --> 00:02:54,964
Marlon, look at this.
65
00:02:55,065 --> 00:02:58,234
The storage facility we used
in 2004 is closing,
66
00:02:58,302 --> 00:03:00,436
and they say that we have
to empty out our unit
67
00:03:00,537 --> 00:03:02,138
or they're gonna auction it off.
68
00:03:02,239 --> 00:03:03,239
- Really?
- Yeah.
69
00:03:03,307 --> 00:03:05,141
I mean, that has to be a mistake
70
00:03:05,242 --> 00:03:06,953
because we got rid of that unit
when we got divorced.
71
00:03:06,977 --> 00:03:08,977
You told me you went
down there and cleaned it out.
72
00:03:09,012 --> 00:03:10,146
Did I?
73
00:03:10,247 --> 00:03:12,982
?
74
00:03:13,083 --> 00:03:15,451
Oh, my God.
75
00:03:15,552 --> 00:03:17,286
You were supposed to get rid
of this stuff.
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00:03:17,388 --> 00:03:19,822
Ashley, if I did everything
I was supposed to do,
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we'd still be married.
78
00:03:21,692 --> 00:03:25,461
Oh, would you look
at all this cool stuff?
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00:03:25,562 --> 00:03:28,064
The milk frother
from our first apartment.
80
00:03:28,132 --> 00:03:30,066
I've been looking for this.
81
00:03:30,134 --> 00:03:31,834
You know I've been paying
for frothy milk
82
00:03:31,935 --> 00:03:34,370
all these years like a sucker?
83
00:03:34,471 --> 00:03:37,306
[milk frother whirring]
84
00:03:37,374 --> 00:03:39,142
I remember this.
85
00:03:39,209 --> 00:03:41,978
We got this at Six Flags
the year after we met.
86
00:03:42,079 --> 00:03:44,280
Damn, girl, check you out
in them booty shorts.
87
00:03:44,348 --> 00:03:46,308
Hey, if I find them in here,
will you put them on?
88
00:03:46,350 --> 00:03:49,385
Only if you on those Hammer pants.
89
00:03:49,486 --> 00:03:51,220
- No, I'm good.
- Mm-hmm.
90
00:03:51,321 --> 00:03:53,222
- Hey, would you look at this?
- What?
91
00:03:53,290 --> 00:03:56,492
Our hand-carved,
ancient African CD rack,
92
00:03:56,593 --> 00:03:58,127
straight from the motherland.
93
00:03:58,195 --> 00:04:01,364
There were no CDs in ancient Africa.
94
00:04:01,465 --> 00:04:03,966
Oh, that's what the man
wants you to think.
95
00:04:04,034 --> 00:04:05,301
Stay woke, sister.
96
00:04:05,369 --> 00:04:07,503
- [chuckles]
- Ooh.
97
00:04:07,604 --> 00:04:10,840
Oh, my gosh, there's so many
memories in here.
98
00:04:10,941 --> 00:04:13,009
Yeah, good times.
99
00:04:13,076 --> 00:04:15,144
This stuff takes me back.
100
00:04:15,212 --> 00:04:17,346
Let's toss it all.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
101
00:04:17,414 --> 00:04:20,316
Wow, you are cold.
102
00:04:20,384 --> 00:04:22,452
You are lucky I kept this.
103
00:04:22,519 --> 00:04:24,287
An electric blanket that's broken?
104
00:04:24,354 --> 00:04:26,155
Girl, it ain't broke.
105
00:04:26,223 --> 00:04:29,392
All I need is a big girl
up underneath here with me.
106
00:04:29,493 --> 00:04:30,660
She'll keep me warm.
107
00:04:30,727 --> 00:04:32,428
A big girl who likes rat droppings
108
00:04:32,529 --> 00:04:34,230
'cause they are all over that blanket.
109
00:04:34,331 --> 00:04:36,232
- Eww!
- Mm-hmm.
110
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Get rid of this stuff.
111
00:04:38,135 --> 00:04:40,146
Ashley, there may be
some hidden treasure in here.
112
00:04:40,170 --> 00:04:42,038
How 'bout this? I go through it,
113
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I look at what's valuable, I keep it,
114
00:04:43,991 --> 00:04:45,145
we get rid of the rest.
115
00:04:45,146 --> 00:04:46,542
Good. All right.
116
00:04:46,643 --> 00:04:49,579
I'm gonna go 'cause it smells
like 1997 up in here.
117
00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:51,681
- [sniffs]
- Oh, damn.
118
00:04:51,748 --> 00:04:53,583
My Drakkar Noir must be leaking.
119
00:04:53,684 --> 00:04:55,218
Damn it!
120
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?
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? Holla
122
00:05:01,992 --> 00:05:04,527
- What the hell?
- Hey, Stevie, check it out.
123
00:05:04,595 --> 00:05:09,131
My old Walkman,
complete with Mega Bass.
124
00:05:09,233 --> 00:05:11,534
? Every little step I take
125
00:05:11,602 --> 00:05:13,569
? You will be there
126
00:05:13,637 --> 00:05:15,538
? Every little step I make
127
00:05:15,606 --> 00:05:18,341
? We'll be together
128
00:05:18,408 --> 00:05:19,675
Ha-ha! Man, I can't wait
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00:05:19,743 --> 00:05:22,612
to get the batteries for this thing.
130
00:05:22,713 --> 00:05:24,280
Marlon, what is all this?
131
00:05:24,381 --> 00:05:26,649
This is all the stuff
that was in the storage unit
132
00:05:26,750 --> 00:05:28,417
that Ashley wants me to get rid of.
133
00:05:28,519 --> 00:05:30,620
- What are you gonna do with it?
- I'm gonna keep it.
134
00:05:30,721 --> 00:05:33,556
Is that a George Foreman grill?
135
00:05:33,624 --> 00:05:35,091
Yup.
136
00:05:35,158 --> 00:05:36,919
I got this when me and Ashley
used to live
137
00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:38,812
in this little apartment
in Studio City,
138
00:05:38,813 --> 00:05:40,296
and she got mad 'cause she wanted me
139
00:05:40,397 --> 00:05:44,267
to use the money
on boring stuff like rent.
140
00:05:44,368 --> 00:05:46,636
You crazy. Hey, look at this.
141
00:05:46,737 --> 00:05:48,471
She wanted me to get rid of this.
142
00:05:48,572 --> 00:05:51,474
This is a classic. Come on.
143
00:05:51,575 --> 00:05:55,645
Bam! "The Wiz" On LaserDisc!
144
00:05:55,746 --> 00:05:59,582
Come on, man, flying monkeys
with Rick Ross beard?
145
00:05:59,650 --> 00:06:03,419
You know, I am three credits
shy of a psychology degree,
146
00:06:03,487 --> 00:06:06,122
but I don't need that degree
to know that the inability
147
00:06:06,189 --> 00:06:08,891
to part with inanimate objects
is an illness.
148
00:06:08,959 --> 00:06:10,660
Stevie, are you calling me a hoarder?
149
00:06:10,761 --> 00:06:15,131
If the 8-ball jacket fits...
and it doesn't.
150
00:06:15,198 --> 00:06:16,638
No, no, no, no. I'm not a hoarder.
151
00:06:16,667 --> 00:06:19,502
See, hoarders collect things
that have no value.
152
00:06:19,603 --> 00:06:24,273
Come on, this 8-ball jacket
is going for $395 on eBay.
153
00:06:24,341 --> 00:06:26,008
That's exactly what hoarders say
154
00:06:26,109 --> 00:06:27,443
when they don't face the truth.
155
00:06:27,511 --> 00:06:29,512
Pick anything and ask yourself,
156
00:06:29,613 --> 00:06:31,147
"Does it serve a purpose?
157
00:06:31,214 --> 00:06:33,683
Does it bring me joy?
Does it better my life?"
158
00:06:33,784 --> 00:06:36,519
If the answer is no, get rid of it.
159
00:06:36,620 --> 00:06:39,488
Hmm, let me look around
and see if I can find something
160
00:06:39,590 --> 00:06:43,326
that serves no purpose,
brings me no joy,
161
00:06:43,393 --> 00:06:47,697
and does not better my life.
162
00:06:47,798 --> 00:06:49,498
Bye, Stevie.
163
00:06:49,600 --> 00:06:51,500
Clearly I've touched a nerve.
164
00:06:51,602 --> 00:06:53,636
But you can't seriously be
throwing me out.
165
00:06:53,704 --> 00:06:56,238
Listen, if you and Ashley
can't see the value
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00:06:56,340 --> 00:06:59,175
in all this stuff, then you need
to sleep at her house.
167
00:06:59,242 --> 00:07:00,676
?
168
00:07:01,764 --> 00:07:04,699
[hip-hop music]
169
00:07:05,100 --> 00:07:07,001
[doorbell rings]
170
00:07:08,704 --> 00:07:11,405
Our boy has a problem.
171
00:07:11,506 --> 00:07:15,109
You're just figuring this out now?
172
00:07:15,177 --> 00:07:16,611
He kicked me out of the house.
173
00:07:16,712 --> 00:07:18,646
Yeah, he's been doing that
four times a year
174
00:07:18,714 --> 00:07:20,247
since you moved in there.
175
00:07:20,349 --> 00:07:23,084
No, no, this is not
the quarterly toss-out.
176
00:07:25,988 --> 00:07:28,055
- Look at this.
- Yeah.
177
00:07:28,156 --> 00:07:29,624
This is the storage facility, right?
178
00:07:29,725 --> 00:07:32,393
That's Marlon's living room.
179
00:07:32,461 --> 00:07:37,064
Now, in my almost professional
opinion, Marlon's a hoarder.
180
00:07:37,165 --> 00:07:39,100
Yeah, all this stuff is junk.
181
00:07:39,201 --> 00:07:41,268
Is that his old 8-ball jacket?
182
00:07:41,370 --> 00:07:44,372
Okay, that's actually
pretty fly, though.
183
00:07:44,439 --> 00:07:47,074
But the rest of it is junk!
184
00:07:47,142 --> 00:07:50,177
This is a cry for help.
Okay, wait a minute.
185
00:07:50,245 --> 00:07:52,213
I found that jacket in the attic
six months ago,
186
00:07:52,280 --> 00:07:54,382
and I told him to take it to Goodwill.
187
00:07:54,449 --> 00:07:56,117
He knew that storage facility was there
188
00:07:56,218 --> 00:07:58,252
and he's been adding to it
since the divorce.
189
00:07:58,320 --> 00:08:01,055
We have to help him before
he's buried under a pile
190
00:08:01,123 --> 00:08:04,558
of "Vibe" magazines
and S-Curl products.
191
00:08:04,626 --> 00:08:07,194
Stevie, I think it's very sweet
192
00:08:07,262 --> 00:08:08,696
how much you care about him.
193
00:08:08,764 --> 00:08:12,400
Oh... the guy means everything to me.
194
00:08:12,467 --> 00:08:15,302
I also have nowhere to sleep.
195
00:08:15,404 --> 00:08:18,639
?
196
00:08:18,740 --> 00:08:21,242
Ashley! Check it out!
197
00:08:23,078 --> 00:08:25,179
My old metal detector.
198
00:08:25,280 --> 00:08:27,815
I found $0.66, a bullet casing,
199
00:08:27,916 --> 00:08:31,252
and a car door on my way over here.
200
00:08:31,319 --> 00:08:34,221
Don't worry, I threw out
the bullet casing.
201
00:08:34,289 --> 00:08:35,723
I didn't want to be an accessory.
202
00:08:37,259 --> 00:08:39,360
Now, why are you all standing there
203
00:08:39,461 --> 00:08:41,796
solemnly holding envelopes
like Maury about to say,
204
00:08:41,863 --> 00:08:45,332
"Hey, Marlon, you are the father"?
205
00:08:45,434 --> 00:08:47,802
Marlon, welcome to your intervention.
206
00:08:47,903 --> 00:08:50,404
An intervention? For what?
207
00:08:50,472 --> 00:08:52,139
We'll get to that.
208
00:08:52,207 --> 00:08:54,375
Now, as a qualified
intervention specialist,
209
00:08:54,476 --> 00:08:55,643
I invite you to sit down.
210
00:08:55,711 --> 00:08:57,311
What makes you qualified?
211
00:08:57,379 --> 00:08:59,980
I've seen every episode
of "Intervention," "Hoarders,"
212
00:09:00,082 --> 00:09:02,516
and "Real Housewives Reunion."
213
00:09:02,617 --> 00:09:04,452
All you need is a loveless marriage
214
00:09:04,519 --> 00:09:09,223
and a blanket on your lap and
you'd be a middle-aged woman.
215
00:09:09,324 --> 00:09:12,693
We will start with "I love you
and care for your well-being."
216
00:09:12,794 --> 00:09:14,695
Now, we've each
written letters addressing
217
00:09:14,796 --> 00:09:17,164
how your illness has affected
our lives.
218
00:09:17,265 --> 00:09:19,300
We are gonna go
in reverse order of importance.
219
00:09:19,367 --> 00:09:22,636
Yvette.
220
00:09:22,704 --> 00:09:27,475
Marlon, I care for your
well-being, blah, blah, blah.
221
00:09:27,542 --> 00:09:30,678
Now let's get to the tea.
222
00:09:30,779 --> 00:09:34,315
You're nasty.
223
00:09:34,382 --> 00:09:36,417
You don't consider women's feelings,
224
00:09:36,518 --> 00:09:38,886
and what you do in the dark
will show up in the light...
225
00:09:38,987 --> 00:09:43,157
Yvette, let's stay focused
on the issue here.
226
00:09:43,225 --> 00:09:46,160
- Marlon's hoarding.
- Hoarding?
227
00:09:46,228 --> 00:09:48,329
I thought you said "whoring."
228
00:09:50,265 --> 00:09:52,800
[sighs]
229
00:09:52,868 --> 00:09:55,236
Now nothing I wrote makes sense.
230
00:09:55,337 --> 00:09:57,671
Uh, you stuff your junk
anywhere you want to.
231
00:09:57,739 --> 00:09:59,440
Oh, some of this still works.
232
00:10:02,477 --> 00:10:05,379
Marlon, your collection
of useless objects has displaced
233
00:10:05,447 --> 00:10:08,783
the most valuable thing
in your house: my friendship.
234
00:10:08,884 --> 00:10:10,518
If your behavior doesn't change,
235
00:10:10,585 --> 00:10:13,154
I'll be forced to end our relationship.
236
00:10:13,221 --> 00:10:15,089
Oh, my God.
237
00:10:15,190 --> 00:10:18,292
If you do that, then who's
gonna eat up all my food?
238
00:10:19,761 --> 00:10:21,572
Who's gonna wear my clothes
and make them smell
239
00:10:21,596 --> 00:10:24,765
like gyro meat in the underarm section?
240
00:10:24,866 --> 00:10:27,768
And who's gonna not flush my toilet?
241
00:10:29,738 --> 00:10:33,140
Okay, Marlon, I didn't write a letter.
242
00:10:33,241 --> 00:10:34,842
Stevie made me hold this envelope.
243
00:10:37,445 --> 00:10:39,246
You lied to me about that storage unit.
244
00:10:39,347 --> 00:10:42,183
You knew it was there.
So I kept a few things.
245
00:10:42,250 --> 00:10:44,285
That's what people do,
they keep things.
246
00:10:44,386 --> 00:10:45,820
They keep it real.
247
00:10:47,622 --> 00:10:49,890
They keep their head up.
248
00:10:49,958 --> 00:10:52,459
They keep hope alive.
249
00:10:52,561 --> 00:10:56,397
Well, not anymore,
but you know what I mean.
250
00:10:56,464 --> 00:10:58,432
Okay, listen, when we got divorced,
251
00:10:58,500 --> 00:11:01,135
I had to get rid of everything
that connected me to our past.
252
00:11:01,236 --> 00:11:03,604
It's part of the healing process.
253
00:11:03,705 --> 00:11:05,883
I did the work, and I think
you need to do the work, too.
254
00:11:05,907 --> 00:11:11,579
Marlon, deep down inside,
we still love you.
255
00:11:11,646 --> 00:11:17,585
[sustained wailing]
256
00:11:20,322 --> 00:11:23,691
[continues wailing]
257
00:11:26,862 --> 00:11:31,332
[continues wailing]
258
00:11:31,433 --> 00:11:34,635
What the hell are you people
talking about?
259
00:11:34,736 --> 00:11:38,005
Let me intervene on my own
intervention, and I, too,
260
00:11:38,106 --> 00:11:40,507
will start in reverse order
of importance.
261
00:11:40,609 --> 00:11:42,676
Yvette.
262
00:11:42,777 --> 00:11:44,812
You got some nerve talking 'bout me
263
00:11:44,913 --> 00:11:47,348
when your apartment got kayaks
264
00:11:47,449 --> 00:11:50,484
and saddles and tractor-trailer tires.
265
00:11:50,552 --> 00:11:53,754
It look like the ghost of penises past.
266
00:11:53,822 --> 00:11:57,524
Ashley, you told him about
my situationships?
267
00:11:59,861 --> 00:12:01,662
And since we're being honest, Stevie,
268
00:12:01,763 --> 00:12:05,399
you always bragging about
your GPA at Howell University.
269
00:12:05,500 --> 00:12:07,701
Meanwhile, you're using
your hyper-intelligence
270
00:12:07,802 --> 00:12:10,704
to find new ways
to whack it undetected.
271
00:12:11,973 --> 00:12:15,809
Guess what, brother. We detect it!
272
00:12:15,877 --> 00:12:18,545
Oh, yeah, I checked
your web browser history.
273
00:12:18,647 --> 00:12:21,348
Busty, freckled gingers?
274
00:12:23,385 --> 00:12:26,453
Trust me, sisters, this is fake news!
275
00:12:30,592 --> 00:12:33,494
And forgive me, Ashley, that
I'm just not as callous as you.
276
00:12:33,561 --> 00:12:35,362
Hold on, what's this?
277
00:12:35,463 --> 00:12:38,799
[mimics detector beeping]
278
00:12:38,867 --> 00:12:41,969
That's a heart of steel.
279
00:12:42,037 --> 00:12:45,005
Or a nipple ring.
280
00:12:45,073 --> 00:12:48,509
Now, Marlon, if you truly
do not have a problem, prove it.
281
00:12:48,576 --> 00:12:49,877
Get rid of this old stuff.
282
00:12:49,978 --> 00:12:52,246
- Have a yard sale.
- Okay, fine.
283
00:12:52,347 --> 00:12:55,049
- Then pick a time and a day.
- Tomorrow.
284
00:12:55,150 --> 00:12:57,751
Hold on, let me check my PalmPilot.
285
00:12:59,554 --> 00:13:02,890
1998, 1999...
286
00:13:02,991 --> 00:13:04,258
I don't know about tomorrow.
287
00:13:04,359 --> 00:13:06,727
I got a Y2K prevention seminar
288
00:13:06,828 --> 00:13:09,430
that I got... I gotta attend.
289
00:13:09,531 --> 00:13:12,433
Okay, Marlon, listen.
I don't care about your hoarding
290
00:13:12,534 --> 00:13:14,545
because that doesn't affect me,
but I always thought
291
00:13:14,569 --> 00:13:17,037
that we were in the same place
emotionally.
292
00:13:17,105 --> 00:13:19,740
And if we're not,
then maybe we can't have
293
00:13:19,841 --> 00:13:22,943
this crazy, friendly divorce.
294
00:13:23,044 --> 00:13:25,679
Fine. We'll do it.
295
00:13:25,747 --> 00:13:29,583
If that proves to you guys that
I'm not a hoarder, then fine.
296
00:13:31,519 --> 00:13:33,053
If anything changes, just hit me
297
00:13:33,121 --> 00:13:36,957
on my Skytel Motorola two-way pager.
298
00:13:37,058 --> 00:13:39,593
Let me beam you my contact.
[pager beeping]
299
00:13:40,762 --> 00:13:44,031
?
300
00:13:47,693 --> 00:13:49,936
- What are you selling?
- My college papers
301
00:13:49,937 --> 00:13:51,481
from Howell University.
I'm finally gonna turn
302
00:13:51,482 --> 00:13:53,427
that education into cold, hard cash.
303
00:13:53,428 --> 00:13:55,463
A lot of this stuff really holds up.
304
00:13:55,530 --> 00:13:57,598
"Why we will never elect
a black president."
305
00:13:57,666 --> 00:14:00,267
Just cross out "black"
and write "woman."
306
00:14:03,538 --> 00:14:06,273
I must say, I'm very impressed
307
00:14:06,341 --> 00:14:07,652
that you're going through with this.
308
00:14:07,676 --> 00:14:09,010
Tsk. Come on, please.
309
00:14:09,111 --> 00:14:11,846
This stuff? Easy to get rid of.
310
00:14:11,947 --> 00:14:13,257
How much for the Dru Hill T-shirt?
311
00:14:13,281 --> 00:14:16,517
Oh, ooh, uh...
312
00:14:16,618 --> 00:14:19,186
I don't know. That's a tough one.
313
00:14:19,287 --> 00:14:22,890
Dru Hill, 1999, "Enter the Dru" tour?
314
00:14:22,991 --> 00:14:24,859
Madison Square Garden? [groans]
315
00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:26,137
You know them brothers ain't gonna play
316
00:14:26,161 --> 00:14:28,162
a venue that big again.
317
00:14:28,230 --> 00:14:30,197
Man, that's gonna be 75.
318
00:14:30,298 --> 00:14:33,234
- Dollars?
- No, Chuck E. Cheese coins.
319
00:14:33,335 --> 00:14:35,169
Yeah, dollars. Man, you ain't serious.
320
00:14:35,237 --> 00:14:38,372
Get your ass out of here.
321
00:14:38,473 --> 00:14:41,075
Like you could fit in this.
322
00:14:41,176 --> 00:14:43,210
This happens on "Hoarders."
323
00:14:43,311 --> 00:14:45,413
Marlon, where are you
on the anxiety scale?
324
00:14:45,514 --> 00:14:48,149
Anxiety scale? I'm at a 2.
325
00:14:48,216 --> 00:14:50,317
In a Punch-a-Stevie-
in-the-Throat scale?
326
00:14:50,385 --> 00:14:53,220
Oh, about a 55.
327
00:14:53,321 --> 00:14:57,491
Aunt Yvette, why do you have
all of these random things?
328
00:14:57,559 --> 00:15:00,361
Oh, honey, Aunt Yvette
loses herself in men
329
00:15:00,429 --> 00:15:02,029
and their hobbies sometimes.
330
00:15:02,097 --> 00:15:04,331
But, baby girl,
today is a brand-new day,
331
00:15:04,399 --> 00:15:07,101
and the next man I meet
will have to like what I like.
332
00:15:07,202 --> 00:15:09,937
Pardon me, you don't have
a bicycle pump, do you?
333
00:15:10,038 --> 00:15:13,040
My unicycle tire's
running a little low.
334
00:15:13,108 --> 00:15:14,341
Unicycle?
335
00:15:16,278 --> 00:15:18,980
Sir, I'd really love
to sell you that metal detector,
336
00:15:18,981 --> 00:15:20,658
but then I would have to do
a background check,
337
00:15:20,682 --> 00:15:23,951
and to be honest, you look real shady.
338
00:15:24,052 --> 00:15:26,554
But if you're interested
in a boring-ass essay titled
339
00:15:26,621 --> 00:15:29,190
"O.J. Simpson: True American Hero,"
340
00:15:29,257 --> 00:15:31,092
you should check out table number two.
341
00:15:31,193 --> 00:15:33,194
Thank you very much.
342
00:15:33,261 --> 00:15:35,596
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
Moms Mabley.
343
00:15:35,697 --> 00:15:37,631
Where you going with that?
Who sold that to you?
344
00:15:37,733 --> 00:15:39,734
Oh, that lady there sold it to me.
345
00:15:39,801 --> 00:15:41,602
Ashley, what's the matter with you?
346
00:15:41,703 --> 00:15:43,738
I'm sorry, ma'am,
she shouldn't have done that.
347
00:15:43,805 --> 00:15:45,372
What's your plans for this item?
348
00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:47,608
Well, I have glaucoma,
349
00:15:47,709 --> 00:15:49,577
and I'm gon' turn it into a bong.
350
00:15:49,644 --> 00:15:51,579
Mmm.
351
00:15:51,646 --> 00:15:55,149
Yeah, it's not for sale.
A bong my behind.
352
00:15:55,250 --> 00:15:56,984
You gon' turn this into a crack pipe!
353
00:15:57,085 --> 00:15:59,053
I know a meth head when I see one!
354
00:15:59,121 --> 00:16:00,387
- Marlon!
- Damn, you strong
355
00:16:00,455 --> 00:16:02,490
- for an 80-year-old junkie!
- Okay!
356
00:16:02,591 --> 00:16:05,259
Let it go!
357
00:16:05,327 --> 00:16:08,629
I'm not letting it go, okay?
I did not authorize this sale.
358
00:16:08,730 --> 00:16:11,232
Scale of 1-10, where is your anxiety?
359
00:16:11,299 --> 00:16:15,136
I'm at a 8.5. Kinda 9.
360
00:16:15,237 --> 00:16:16,637
Marlon, why?
361
00:16:18,340 --> 00:16:20,775
Because, Ashley,
this-this metal detector,
362
00:16:20,842 --> 00:16:23,444
I got this the night
you lost your engagement ring
363
00:16:23,512 --> 00:16:25,479
on Venice Beach. Remember?
364
00:16:25,580 --> 00:16:27,181
And I stayed up all night,
and I found it
365
00:16:27,282 --> 00:16:28,649
underneath the volleyball net?
366
00:16:28,750 --> 00:16:30,751
And you were so happy,
we just made sweet love
367
00:16:30,819 --> 00:16:33,354
until beach patrol showed up,
and I know they was watching
368
00:16:33,455 --> 00:16:38,325
for at least 25 minutes 'cause,
oh, man, I wore it out.
369
00:16:38,426 --> 00:16:41,495
And this?
We watched "The Wiz" every night
370
00:16:41,596 --> 00:16:43,297
when you was pregnant with Marley
371
00:16:43,365 --> 00:16:44,765
because we couldn't afford cable,
372
00:16:44,833 --> 00:16:46,333
and then when she first cried,
373
00:16:46,434 --> 00:16:52,139
I swear it sounded like,
"A Teeny! A Teeny!"
374
00:16:52,207 --> 00:16:54,809
And this? This Dru Hill shirt?
375
00:16:54,876 --> 00:16:57,344
This was from the first concert
I took you to.
376
00:16:57,445 --> 00:16:59,585
We told each other that we loved
each other, remember?
377
00:16:59,648 --> 00:17:04,718
And this cup, this is my first
Father's Day, when you...
378
00:17:04,820 --> 00:17:07,655
You bought this for me and you
called me number one dad.
379
00:17:07,722 --> 00:17:10,224
And we taught Marley
to potty-train right here.
380
00:17:10,325 --> 00:17:15,229
And then when Zach was born,
we used it as his sippy cup.
381
00:17:15,330 --> 00:17:18,465
And this right here, this computer
382
00:17:18,533 --> 00:17:22,336
has our first sex tape in it!
383
00:17:22,404 --> 00:17:24,705
If we could just remember the code,
384
00:17:24,806 --> 00:17:26,841
we could get to our first sex tape!
385
00:17:29,544 --> 00:17:32,713
And you just want to go
and get rid of all this stuff
386
00:17:32,814 --> 00:17:35,516
'cause it's just stuff to you?
387
00:17:35,584 --> 00:17:39,486
Then fine, get rid of it.
388
00:17:39,554 --> 00:17:41,589
I'll be inside reading...
389
00:17:41,690 --> 00:17:44,058
"The Internet: A Passing Fad."
390
00:17:44,159 --> 00:17:46,360
[hip-hop music]
391
00:17:48,090 --> 00:17:50,518
[hip-hop music]
392
00:17:50,718 --> 00:17:53,349
You know, Stevie is really smart.
393
00:17:53,350 --> 00:17:56,086
He ain't right much...
394
00:17:56,187 --> 00:17:59,089
but the boy a genius.
395
00:17:59,190 --> 00:18:01,357
Yard sale's over.
396
00:18:01,425 --> 00:18:03,326
- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm good.
397
00:18:03,394 --> 00:18:06,663
You know, I was sitting here
trying to figure out
398
00:18:06,731 --> 00:18:10,200
why I was trying to hold on
to everything.
399
00:18:10,267 --> 00:18:13,203
It's just because it's evidence.
400
00:18:13,270 --> 00:18:14,871
Okay, evidence of what?
401
00:18:14,939 --> 00:18:18,942
Marlon and Ashley. The good old days.
402
00:18:19,043 --> 00:18:22,378
Look, Marlon, I got nostalgic
in that storage unit.
403
00:18:22,446 --> 00:18:24,881
That's why I wanted
to throw it all away.
404
00:18:24,949 --> 00:18:27,092
That's how I dealt with our divorce.
405
00:18:27,093 --> 00:18:28,923
I had to let go of everything
from the past
406
00:18:28,924 --> 00:18:31,054
so I could move on.
407
00:18:31,122 --> 00:18:33,723
Only I did it with booze
and prescription pills
408
00:18:33,791 --> 00:18:37,060
and a bonfire on the front lawn.
409
00:18:37,128 --> 00:18:39,028
You swiped my
"Waiting to Exhale" LaserDisc,
410
00:18:39,096 --> 00:18:41,064
huh? [laughs]
411
00:18:41,132 --> 00:18:42,899
- That's cold.
- Marlon, please!
412
00:18:42,967 --> 00:18:45,568
Let's not act like good old days
were all good.
413
00:18:45,636 --> 00:18:47,070
Do you remember why we were looking
414
00:18:47,138 --> 00:18:48,972
for my engagement ring on the beach?
415
00:18:49,073 --> 00:18:51,604
You threw at me because I said
the bikini you were wearing
416
00:18:51,605 --> 00:18:54,711
gave you white girl butt. [laughs]
417
00:18:54,779 --> 00:18:57,580
Yeah. You were very insensitive.
418
00:18:57,648 --> 00:18:59,443
No, because, listen, white girl butt
419
00:18:59,444 --> 00:19:02,585
is my third-favorite kind of butt...
420
00:19:02,653 --> 00:19:06,422
after sisters and Brazilians,
of course.
421
00:19:06,490 --> 00:19:08,324
Ah, and fourth, Puerto Ricans,
they got...
422
00:19:08,425 --> 00:19:10,994
Oh, my gosh! [chuckles]
423
00:19:11,095 --> 00:19:14,097
Yeah, well, I'm sorry I didn't
recognize your compliment.
424
00:19:14,165 --> 00:19:16,166
Because you shallow, that's why.
425
00:19:16,267 --> 00:19:18,501
[both laugh]
426
00:19:18,602 --> 00:19:21,404
Yeah, those are some good old memories.
427
00:19:21,472 --> 00:19:24,741
Marlon, the memories are still here.
428
00:19:24,809 --> 00:19:27,110
We just don't need the stuff.
429
00:19:27,178 --> 00:19:32,282
Except for maybe... this.
430
00:19:32,349 --> 00:19:34,050
- [chuckles]
- And I'm sorry.
431
00:19:34,118 --> 00:19:35,618
I need you to look at this again
432
00:19:35,686 --> 00:19:37,954
'cause ain't nothing white
about this booty.
433
00:19:40,157 --> 00:19:42,358
Yeah, that-that Tae Bo
was doing you right.
434
00:19:42,459 --> 00:19:44,194
Mm-hmm. [both laugh]
435
00:19:46,163 --> 00:19:48,431
Well, we got rid
of everything out there.
436
00:19:48,499 --> 00:19:50,133
I even sold a couple of my papers.
437
00:19:50,201 --> 00:19:51,534
Which ones?
438
00:19:51,635 --> 00:19:54,470
Oh, "R.I.P. Rap Music,"
439
00:19:54,538 --> 00:19:57,507
"Bill Cosby:
The Man Who Touched America"...
440
00:20:01,645 --> 00:20:03,713
And "Steve Jobs: He Don't Know."
441
00:20:06,050 --> 00:20:08,117
You know, it was a lot harder
parting with them
442
00:20:08,185 --> 00:20:10,153
than I thought,
but sometimes it's tough
443
00:20:10,221 --> 00:20:11,487
to let those memories go.
444
00:20:11,555 --> 00:20:13,623
I know one thing
I'm not gonna part with.
445
00:20:13,691 --> 00:20:16,159
Aww... friendship.
446
00:20:16,227 --> 00:20:18,728
Don't even say it.
I'll move back in tonight.
447
00:20:20,664 --> 00:20:22,665
I was talking about my PalmPilot.
448
00:20:22,733 --> 00:20:25,802
You know, I finally got my life
in order.
449
00:20:25,870 --> 00:20:27,270
- Wait, hold up.
- What?
450
00:20:27,338 --> 00:20:29,672
I lost the stylus.
Man, it's garbage now.
451
00:20:33,544 --> 00:20:36,079
Don't worry.
I'll get rid of everything.
452
00:20:36,180 --> 00:20:38,214
Oh, there's nothing left.
We sold it all.
453
00:20:38,282 --> 00:20:41,217
Girl, please. I have two storage spaces
454
00:20:41,285 --> 00:20:43,553
in the Valley, and a hidden crawl space
455
00:20:43,621 --> 00:20:46,689
somewhere in the house.
456
00:20:46,757 --> 00:20:51,127
?
457
00:20:51,228 --> 00:20:54,697
Welcome to your intervention, Yvette.
458
00:20:54,765 --> 00:20:58,234
[sustained wailing]
459
00:20:58,302 --> 00:21:01,879
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460
00:21:01,929 --> 00:21:06,479
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