Original subtitles

What's up, Internet freaks?

I have a theory.

Everybody has a weird thing about them

that they keep on the D.L.

For example, every morning, my ex-wife Ashley

has to sing her shower routine.

? Lather up there, lather down here ?

? Scrub-a-dub-dub, always front to the rear ?

Singing jazz while you wash your ass.

Yvette refuses to be seen without a full face of makeup,

which is why we're dropping by at 3:00 in the morning.

Ha-ha.

You tried it.

And then there's Stevie, who tends to blur the lines

of relationships.

No, I miss you more.

No, you hang up. [giggles]

Okay. Love you, Nana.

That boy ain't right.

? Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ?

? Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ?

? Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ?

? Marlon, Marlon

Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.

[hip-hop music]

Then he sends me a text saying

that we need to slow things down

after I done dropped a grip on a damn kayak.

Talking 'bout, "We gon' hit the lake."

He a lie!

Kayak?

I thought we were talking about CrossFit guy.

CrossFit guy is why I bought that giant tire.

Talking 'bout, "We gon' strengthen my core."

He a lie, too!

I'm telling you... "LeRoy" pronounced "LaRoix."

Jeez, Marlon, obvious much?

Next you're gonna claim it's "Tyrone" or "Malik."

Okay, what are you two arguing about?

Both: Blackest name ever.

Tackling the big issues, I see?

I am three credits shy of a bachelor's degree

in African-American studies, so I can assure you,

the blackest name ever must reflect our African heritage.

Jarobi, Ademisope, Tahir.

No, no, no, you are wrong.

First of all, ain't no black person

gon' name they baby Tahir.

That's way too much spit in it. "Tahir."

They gotta be something made up, like-like JaMarion.

You know, the daddy's name is James,

the mama's name is Marion, but it's spelled weird.

You know, it's like "J," apostrophe...

"M-A," capital "R" for no damn reason,

"I," with a hyphenated "O-N,"

and there's a weird, silent "Q" as well.

[cell phone chimes]

Ah! Another text from the kayaker.

"Can we still hook up?"

No, we cannot, Quantavius Rasheed Jackson!

Oh, yeah, that's it right there.

Black, blackity, black-black.

No, that's bliggity black black black black black.

Marlon, look at this.

The storage facility we used in 2004 is closing,

and they say that we have to empty out our unit

or they're gonna auction it off.

- Really? - Yeah.

I mean, that has to be a mistake

because we got rid of that unit when we got divorced.

You told me you went down there and cleaned it out.

Did I?

?

Oh, my God.

You were supposed to get rid of this stuff.

Ashley, if I did everything I was supposed to do,

we'd still be married.

Oh, would you look at all this cool stuff?

The milk frother from our first apartment.

I've been looking for this.

You know I've been paying for frothy milk

all these years like a sucker?

[milk frother whirring]

I remember this.

We got this at Six Flags the year after we met.

Damn, girl, check you out in them booty shorts.

Hey, if I find them in here, will you put them on?

Only if you on those Hammer pants.

- No, I'm good. - Mm-hmm.

- Hey, would you look at this? - What?

Our hand-carved, ancient African CD rack,

straight from the motherland.

There were no CDs in ancient Africa.

Oh, that's what the man wants you to think.

Stay woke, sister.

- [chuckles] - Ooh.

Oh, my gosh, there's so many memories in here.

Yeah, good times.

This stuff takes me back.

Let's toss it all. Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Wow, you are cold.

You are lucky I kept this.

An electric blanket that's broken?

Girl, it ain't broke.

All I need is a big girl up underneath here with me.

She'll keep me warm.

A big girl who likes rat droppings

'cause they are all over that blanket.

- Eww! - Mm-hmm.

Get rid of this stuff.

Ashley, there may be some hidden treasure in here.

How 'bout this? I go through it,

I look at what's valuable, I keep it,

we get rid of the rest.

Good. All right.

I'm gonna go 'cause it smells like 1997 up in here.

- [sniffs] - Oh, damn.

My Drakkar Noir must be leaking.

Damn it!

?

? Holla

- What the hell? - Hey, Stevie, check it out.

My old Walkman, complete with Mega Bass.

? Every little step I take

? You will be there

? Every little step I make

? We'll be together

Ha-ha! Man, I can't wait

to get the batteries for this thing.

Marlon, what is all this?

This is all the stuff that was in the storage unit

that Ashley wants me to get rid of.

- What are you gonna do with it? - I'm gonna keep it.

Is that a George Foreman grill?

Yup.

I got this when me and Ashley used to live

in this little apartment in Studio City,

and she got mad 'cause she wanted me

to use the money on boring stuff like rent.

You crazy. Hey, look at this.

She wanted me to get rid of this.

This is a classic. Come on.

Bam! "The Wiz" On LaserDisc!

Come on, man, flying monkeys with Rick Ross beard?

You know, I am three credits shy of a psychology degree,

but I don't need that degree to know that the inability

to part with inanimate objects is an illness.

Stevie, are you calling me a hoarder?

If the 8-ball jacket fits... and it doesn't.

No, no, no, no. I'm not a hoarder.

See, hoarders collect things that have no value.

Come on, this 8-ball jacket is going for $395 on eBay.

That's exactly what hoarders say

when they don't face the truth.

Pick anything and ask yourself,

"Does it serve a purpose?

Does it bring me joy? Does it better my life?"

If the answer is no, get rid of it.

Hmm, let me look around and see if I can find something

that serves no purpose, brings me no joy,

and does not better my life.

Bye, Stevie.

Clearly I've touched a nerve.

But you can't seriously be throwing me out.

Listen, if you and Ashley can't see the value

in all this stuff, then you need to sleep at her house.

?

[hip-hop music]

[doorbell rings]

Our boy has a problem.

You're just figuring this out now?

He kicked me out of the house.

Yeah, he's been doing that four times a year

since you moved in there.

No, no, this is not the quarterly toss-out.

- Look at this. - Yeah.

This is the storage facility, right?

That's Marlon's living room.

Now, in my almost professional opinion, Marlon's a hoarder.

Yeah, all this stuff is junk.

Is that his old 8-ball jacket?

Okay, that's actually pretty fly, though.

But the rest of it is junk!

This is a cry for help. Okay, wait a minute.

I found that jacket in the attic six months ago,

and I told him to take it to Goodwill.

He knew that storage facility was there

and he's been adding to it since the divorce.

We have to help him before he's buried under a pile

of "Vibe" magazines and S-Curl products.

Stevie, I think it's very sweet

how much you care about him.

Oh... the guy means everything to me.

I also have nowhere to sleep.

?

Ashley! Check it out!

My old metal detector.

I found $0.66, a bullet casing,

and a car door on my way over here.

Don't worry, I threw out the bullet casing.

I didn't want to be an accessory.

Now, why are you all standing there

solemnly holding envelopes like Maury about to say,

"Hey, Marlon, you are the father"?

Marlon, welcome to your intervention.

An intervention? For what?

We'll get to that.

Now, as a qualified intervention specialist,

I invite you to sit down.

What makes you qualified?

I've seen every episode of "Intervention," "Hoarders,"

and "Real Housewives Reunion."

All you need is a loveless marriage

and a blanket on your lap and you'd be a middle-aged woman.

We will start with "I love you and care for your well-being."

Now, we've each written letters addressing

how your illness has affected our lives.

We are gonna go in reverse order of importance.

Yvette.

Marlon, I care for your well-being, blah, blah, blah.

Now let's get to the tea.

You're nasty.

You don't consider women's feelings,

and what you do in the dark will show up in the light...

Yvette, let's stay focused on the issue here.

- Marlon's hoarding. - Hoarding?

I thought you said "whoring."

[sighs]

Now nothing I wrote makes sense.

Uh, you stuff your junk anywhere you want to.

Oh, some of this still works.

Marlon, your collection of useless objects has displaced

the most valuable thing in your house: my friendship.

If your behavior doesn't change,

I'll be forced to end our relationship.

Oh, my God.

If you do that, then who's gonna eat up all my food?

Who's gonna wear my clothes and make them smell

like gyro meat in the underarm section?

And who's gonna not flush my toilet?

Okay, Marlon, I didn't write a letter.

Stevie made me hold this envelope.

You lied to me about that storage unit.

You knew it was there. So I kept a few things.

That's what people do, they keep things.

They keep it real.

They keep their head up.

They keep hope alive.

Well, not anymore, but you know what I mean.

Okay, listen, when we got divorced,

I had to get rid of everything that connected me to our past.

It's part of the healing process.

I did the work, and I think you need to do the work, too.

Marlon, deep down inside, we still love you.

[sustained wailing]

[continues wailing]

[continues wailing]

What the hell are you people talking about?

Let me intervene on my own intervention, and I, too,

will start in reverse order of importance.

Yvette.

You got some nerve talking 'bout me

when your apartment got kayaks

and saddles and tractor-trailer tires.

It look like the ghost of penises past.

Ashley, you told him about my situationships?

And since we're being honest, Stevie,

you always bragging about your GPA at Howell University.

Meanwhile, you're using your hyper-intelligence

to find new ways to whack it undetected.

Guess what, brother. We detect it!

Oh, yeah, I checked your web browser history.

Busty, freckled gingers?

Trust me, sisters, this is fake news!

And forgive me, Ashley, that I'm just not as callous as you.

Hold on, what's this?

[mimics detector beeping]

That's a heart of steel.

Or a nipple ring.

Now, Marlon, if you truly do not have a problem, prove it.

Get rid of this old stuff.

- Have a yard sale. - Okay, fine.

- Then pick a time and a day. - Tomorrow.

Hold on, let me check my PalmPilot.

1998, 1999...

I don't know about tomorrow.

I got a Y2K prevention seminar

that I got... I gotta attend.

Okay, Marlon, listen. I don't care about your hoarding

because that doesn't affect me, but I always thought

that we were in the same place emotionally.

And if we're not, then maybe we can't have

this crazy, friendly divorce.

Fine. We'll do it.

If that proves to you guys that I'm not a hoarder, then fine.

If anything changes, just hit me

on my Skytel Motorola two-way pager.

Let me beam you my contact. [pager beeping]

?

- What are you selling? - My college papers

from Howell University. I'm finally gonna turn

that education into cold, hard cash.

A lot of this stuff really holds up.

"Why we will never elect a black president."

Just cross out "black" and write "woman."

I must say, I'm very impressed

that you're going through with this.

Tsk. Come on, please.

This stuff? Easy to get rid of.

How much for the Dru Hill T-shirt?

Oh, ooh, uh...

I don't know. That's a tough one.

Dru Hill, 1999, "Enter the Dru" tour?

Madison Square Garden? [groans]

You know them brothers ain't gonna play

a venue that big again.

Man, that's gonna be 75.

- Dollars? - No, Chuck E. Cheese coins.

Yeah, dollars. Man, you ain't serious.

Get your ass out of here.

Like you could fit in this.

This happens on "Hoarders."

Marlon, where are you on the anxiety scale?

Anxiety scale? I'm at a 2.

In a Punch-a-Stevie- in-the-Throat scale?

Oh, about a 55.

Aunt Yvette, why do you have all of these random things?

Oh, honey, Aunt Yvette loses herself in men

and their hobbies sometimes.

But, baby girl, today is a brand-new day,

and the next man I meet will have to like what I like.

Pardon me, you don't have a bicycle pump, do you?

My unicycle tire's running a little low.

Unicycle?

Sir, I'd really love to sell you that metal detector,

but then I would have to do a background check,

and to be honest, you look real shady.

But if you're interested in a boring-ass essay titled

"O.J. Simpson: True American Hero,"

you should check out table number two.

Thank you very much.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Moms Mabley.

Where you going with that? Who sold that to you?

Oh, that lady there sold it to me.

Ashley, what's the matter with you?

I'm sorry, ma'am, she shouldn't have done that.

What's your plans for this item?

Well, I have glaucoma,

and I'm gon' turn it into a bong.

Mmm.

Yeah, it's not for sale. A bong my behind.

You gon' turn this into a crack pipe!

I know a meth head when I see one!

- Marlon! - Damn, you strong

- for an 80-year-old junkie! - Okay!

Let it go!

I'm not letting it go, okay? I did not authorize this sale.

Scale of 1-10, where is your anxiety?

I'm at a 8.5. Kinda 9.

Marlon, why?

Because, Ashley, this-this metal detector,

I got this the night you lost your engagement ring

on Venice Beach. Remember?

And I stayed up all night, and I found it

underneath the volleyball net?

And you were so happy, we just made sweet love

until beach patrol showed up, and I know they was watching

for at least 25 minutes 'cause, oh, man, I wore it out.

And this? We watched "The Wiz" every night

when you was pregnant with Marley

because we couldn't afford cable,

and then when she first cried,

I swear it sounded like, "A Teeny! A Teeny!"

And this? This Dru Hill shirt?

This was from the first concert I took you to.

We told each other that we loved each other, remember?

And this cup, this is my first Father's Day, when you...

You bought this for me and you called me number one dad.

And we taught Marley to potty-train right here.

And then when Zach was born, we used it as his sippy cup.

And this right here, this computer

has our first sex tape in it!

If we could just remember the code,

we could get to our first sex tape!

And you just want to go and get rid of all this stuff

'cause it's just stuff to you?

Then fine, get rid of it.

I'll be inside reading...

"The Internet: A Passing Fad."

[hip-hop music]

[hip-hop music]

You know, Stevie is really smart.

He ain't right much...

but the boy a genius.

Yard sale's over.

- You okay? - Yeah, I'm good.

You know, I was sitting here trying to figure out

why I was trying to hold on to everything.

It's just because it's evidence.

Okay, evidence of what?

Marlon and Ashley. The good old days.

Look, Marlon, I got nostalgic in that storage unit.

That's why I wanted to throw it all away.

That's how I dealt with our divorce.

I had to let go of everything from the past

so I could move on.

Only I did it with booze and prescription pills

and a bonfire on the front lawn.

You swiped my "Waiting to Exhale" LaserDisc,

huh? [laughs]

- That's cold. - Marlon, please!

Let's not act like good old days were all good.

Do you remember why we were looking

for my engagement ring on the beach?

You threw at me because I said the bikini you were wearing

gave you white girl butt. [laughs]

Yeah. You were very insensitive.

No, because, listen, white girl butt

is my third-favorite kind of butt...

after sisters and Brazilians, of course.

Ah, and fourth, Puerto Ricans, they got...

Oh, my gosh! [chuckles]

Yeah, well, I'm sorry I didn't recognize your compliment.

Because you shallow, that's why.

[both laugh]

Yeah, those are some good old memories.

Marlon, the memories are still here.

We just don't need the stuff.

Except for maybe... this.

- [chuckles] - And I'm sorry.

I need you to look at this again

'cause ain't nothing white about this booty.

Yeah, that-that Tae Bo was doing you right.

Mm-hmm. [both laugh]

Well, we got rid of everything out there.

I even sold a couple of my papers.

Which ones?

Oh, "R.I.P. Rap Music,"

"Bill Cosby: The Man Who Touched America"...

And "Steve Jobs: He Don't Know."

You know, it was a lot harder parting with them

than I thought, but sometimes it's tough

to let those memories go.

I know one thing I'm not gonna part with.

Aww... friendship.

Don't even say it. I'll move back in tonight.

I was talking about my PalmPilot.

You know, I finally got my life in order.

- Wait, hold up. - What?

I lost the stylus. Man, it's garbage now.

Don't worry. I'll get rid of everything.

Oh, there's nothing left. We sold it all.

Girl, please. I have two storage spaces

in the Valley, and a hidden crawl space

somewhere in the house.

?

Welcome to your intervention, Yvette.

[sustained wailing]

Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0