Original subtitles

Imagine yourself on a beach.

Probably the Hamptons.

It doesn't have to be the Hamptons,

but something fabulous like that.

The Hamptons... let's choose the Hamptons.

Let's do that together.

Mmm...

Now feel the sand under your feet.

Dana: Okay, Dana. Let's do this.

Beach, sand, it's under my feet,

and now it's in my bathing suit and somehow in my mouth.

How does it even get there? Dana, focus!

Peter: Why did I agree to do this?

I can think of a hundred other floor activities

that would be better than this.

If any thoughts come up, just let them fade away.

Now relax.

Dana: Relaxing.

Not a thought in my mind,

except the fact that there's not a thought in my mind.

How's Peter doing?

No, it doesn't matter 'cause it's not a competition.

Don't look.

Damn. He's good.

[Snoring]

Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.

Can I help you?

Oh, I'm Dana.

Good for you, honey.

I'm Peter's girlfriend.

And...?

That's the first time I've said that out loud.

And I was there.

Geez Louise.

Hey. There you are.

Hey. Mwah.

Here, give me just a minute to send a couple of e-mails,

and we'll get out of here.

Peter: Slash close this online poker window

I have open.

Hey.

Got a surprise for you.

Aw.

- "Almost famous"? - "Almost famous."

Yeah, they're having a screening at the Nitehawk on Sunday.

And I know it's, like, one of your favorite movies, right?

I can't this weekend. I have a thing.

Oh.

Dana: Just lie.

It'll never come back to haunt you.

It's work.

Ohh. Conference.

Way out of the city.

- Really? Where? - Like, Rhinebeck?

Rhine... Rhinebeck? It's beautiful up there!

So, listen, if you're up there all weekend,

I mean, I'm not doing anything.

He said suggestively,

waiting for Dana to take the hint.

Then... she said,

getting the hint...

Mm-hmm.

You should come.

Great.

Peter: Hotel sex!

Dana: And it came back to haunt me.

Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

When did you start doing this again?

I never actually stopped.

But you told me that you quit after college.

I know. I'm sorry. I lied.

But it's just... it's part of who I am, Amy.

Well, how do you even find those people to do it with?

Oh, it's easy.

There's these websites with these...

I can't. [Babbles, laughs]

No. Save it. I shouldn't have asked.

Peter: Why is hotel sex so great?

Oh, because you can't see the people's faces.

You just hear their voices.

So you have to imagine what they look like.

And in your mind, they're the...

See, I was talking about having it.

Oh. Maybe because someone else does the cleaning up?

I'm holding in my hand...

A fax.

[Both groan]

Yeah.

So it's either from grandma Toby...

Nope. Well, it's not blank.

So... oh, Coach Reisner.

- Coach Reisner. - Yep.

It's that time of year again, boys.

One hour of sheer hell

with your former high-school coach

and 75 tournaments' worth of trophies.

Oh, come on. Coach isn't that bad.

Compared to what, an industrial accident?

[Monotone] Yeah, this event is my favorite time of the year.

I just can't wait for tomorrow.

Tomorrow? Oh, crap. I'm gonna be out of town.

What?! No, you have to be here.

Coach is never gonna buy trophies from me.

Peter was the golden boy.

Peter always got on base.

Peter never dropped the ball.

Peter knew how to keep his emotions in check

during "the star-spangled banner."

Look, guys, it'll be fine, all right?

I'll get on the phone, and I'll work my charm from afar.

And, uh, it'll be like I'm here with you.

Why doesn't dad just handle this?

Because if there's one person

that coach hates more than David, it's Dad.

He used to stand there

and scream different plays from the sideline

until he got banned for life.

He had to watch my championship game

from across the street with a pair of binoculars.

William: Word to the wise...

don't sit across from a school with binoculars.

Thank God I got arrested.

I think that mob would have killed me.

Hey, ready to bring it home with coach, Peter?

Actually, dad, I'm not gonna be here.

Well, we're dead.

Oh, thanks, dad. Thanks for the real shot of confidence.

Dad, don't worry about it.

I'm gonna get on the phone and butter coach up,

and David can close this.

[Inhales sharply] "David can close this."

They're coming back.

The bad feelings are coming back.

Hey, buddy, don't go to that dark place.

Here, you want your busy ball?

Yes. Huh? Here, get your busy ball.

That's emasculating.

What's so important that you can't be here tomorrow?

Dana and I are going up to Hudson Valley for the weekend.

Oh. Oh, yeah. Time for a little hotel...

Dad...

Uh, room service.

Seriously? I am 24 years old.

I know that people have sex.

I even have...

[all shout indistinctly]

- Get out of my head. - No, no.

Yeah, I love Rhinebeck.

It feels like a little pop-up book.

Wow.

Hey, so, you know, we made great time.

If you want, before your meetings,

we could go antiquing...

Peter: Sex.

...or hiking...

Sex... Or sex.

Sex!

Yes. On all of those.

But before any of those...

- Mm-hmm? - ...Um...

There's something I have to tell you.

There's something that you don't know about me.

Okay.

Oh, my God. She has a kid.

And she brought me up here to the countryside

to soften the blow.

I'm gonna show you.

I think that would be better. I'm gonna...

- Show me. - ...Show you.

Kid's in there.

Oh, she's gonna bring him out right now.

- Are you ready for this? - Uh...

This is all happening. Can I do this?

Can I be a dad?

Yeah, I'm ready for...

Almost anything, I think.

Oh.

No way I could have called that one.

Spock?

Elf.

Oh.

Be rational about this, like Spock would be.

That is why I came out here this weekend.

I'm a larper!

I'm so sorry.

Or, hey, that's great.

Do you want me to explain what that is?

Please.

That will save me a fake trip to the bathroom

so I can Wikipedia it on my phone.

Okay, "larp"... uh-huh.

...or "larping," as a verb,

is a live-action role-playing.

Oh, okay.

I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

No, no, okay. You've seen "Game of Thrones."

Yeah. Boobs and blood. Never miss an episode.

Right. It is just like that,

except so much better

because we actually create the characters,

and then we go and act it out.

It is like being dropped into a "Harry Potter" movie.

That sounds pretty great.

It really is.

I guess I'm kind of a geek.

Now I don't have to hide it from you.

Come on, it's charming. Seriously?

You know, now that I'm getting used to it,

it's a little sexy.

Oh, whoops. Okay.

Did I kill the mood?

Did I kill the mood?

[Chuckles]

Wait, what day is it?

Saturday. I have a meeting.

Ah. Thought I was losing days again.

Again?

So, what's this big meeting?

Peter and I have this stupid baseball coach

who comes every year and orders, like,

a million different trophies.

And Peter's not gonna be there!

So you'll handle it.

Okay, Coach Reisner is this terrifying figure

in my life, okay?

My first game in high school... my first game...

I drop one ball,

and coach yells at me in front of the entire school,

"you don't belong on a field in a uniform!

You belong onstage in a pair of tights!"

So, who cares about what happened back then?

Come on.

So you don't bond over sports.

You are a confident, fascinating man

with a thousand different interests.

Like what?

Well, you're a hell of a dancer.

You got a wicked sense of fashion,

an encyclopedic knowledge of musicals.

Wait, do we need to talk?

About what? How much you've helped me?

Because you haven't, really.

Sorry.

Thanks for trying. Love you.

Love you!

I hope I lose this day.

How long have you been doing this?

Um, I mean, I've actually been playing

the same character since college.

She started as a scullery wench,

and now she is Queen of the lower realm.

Wow!

Surprisingly good job mobility in the Elvin world.

Hir, Kayla, adon vereen.

Ohh...

I like that guy.

Everyone, I would like you to meet my squire, Peter.

Of trophyville!

I'm not acquainted with that realm.

Oh, I was just...

so, you want to join in?

I mean, I could.

Peter: ...Not imagine myself doing it less.

You could be a mage.

I don't think

that he could be a mage. [Chuckles]

Whoa, bro. I could totally be a mage.

What's that supposed to mean?

What is a mage?

Look... okay, all right, maybe... you can be a fighter.

Yeah, super-strong.

Yeah. Yeah, okay.

The basics are you get hit in the limb,

you can't use that limb.

You get hit in the torso, and you're dead.

You can... you can do that.

You know what? This is your thing.

I'm totally cool just hanging out,

and we can grab dinner later.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

All right, we can play it by ear.

Cool. It's an elf pun.

[Chuckles]

Uh, in the meantime,

there's a spectators area right over there.

All right. Uh, have fun.

Never felt more secure

leaving my girlfriend with hundreds of men.

Hey. Peter. Hey.

Oh. Hi.

Cheryl. First tournament?

Yeah. You enjoying it?

Uh, yeah... it's interesting.

Yeah, I just saw a guy fighting,

uh, an invisible warrior out there.

Oh, that was probably a bee.

There's lots of bees up here.

These kids... they drink a lot of soda.

Oh.

How long do these things

usually last?

Well, a quick game usually goes 8 to 10 hours.

But I have seen them go as long as 36.

What?!

Buckle in. This helps.

What is that, hot chocolate?

If the cops ask.

So, who are you here to see?

My son, Hans the despicable.

Mm.

Well, he's not actually on the field, though.

He's in jail.

He stole some orc's gold, so...

So you drove your kid all the way up here

just to watch him sit in jail?

Yep. This helps.

Hey, you wouldn't happen to know

where I could get better cellphone reception, would you?

New York City.

All right.

No, no, that's all you.

You need it more than I do. Your kid's in jail.

Looking good, sweetie!

Art thou friend or foe?

Friend?

You're trespassing in my kingdom.

Before you shoot, I have to warn you...

[sighs]

Why do they always make speeches?

Dana!

[Grunts] Hey.

How's it going? Are you scoring points?

Whoa! Did you just kill that guy?

Good job, babe.

Peter, you can't be here. Hey, is there a halftime?

'Cause I've got this really important phone call,

- and there's like negative-three bars in... - Halt!

Lady Kayla, who is your strange escort?

He is but a humble towns person...

Passing through.

[Cellphone rings]

Oh, thank God. Finally!

Okay, look. Sorry, guys, I got to take this.

- It's work. - No, Peter, you can't...

The barbarian wields a glow rock.

[Chuckles]

Perhaps you should leave the field of battle

before thy conjugal bed is denied you.

Okay. That I understood.

W...

Lady Kayla, I apologize,

but I must accompany you and your traitor to jail.

Buddy, you're about to see someone

go barbarian on your ass if you don't give me my phone back.

Peter! Please, you are making it worse.

It's a glow rock 6. It's many moneys.

Peter: Am I really gonna let myself get bullied

by a dude wearing guy-liner?

Come on. Come on.

Coach is here. Get Peter on the phone.

He's not answering!

What do we do?

Okay, I'm gonna suggest something.

It's gonna seem a little extreme, but just go with me for a second.

We get some gasoline,

we burn this place to the ground,

and then we collect the insurance money

and we live free of fear for the rest of our lives.

Chloe: Coach, they're right in here here.

Stupid Chloe!

Shh! I knew she'd betray us.

- Oh! Reisner. - Coach.

What's with the J.V. team? Where's Peter?

What does J.V. team mean?

David.

If you mean genius visionaries,

we're standing right in front of you.

"Jood" one.

It's spelled with a "G," David.

All right, man, come on. This is not a joke.

I really need to get my phone back, okay?

Nothing.

Oh, hey, Hans.

Your mom says hi.

[Sighs] Just calm down.

We're gonna get out of here eventually.

Or we could get out right now, okay?

Okay, 'cause I've seen tighter security

at a ball pit at McDonald's.

I mean, this is just... this is one rope

and an out-of-shape accountant

who is wearing women's yoga pants.

Sorry.

If you need to lash out, that's on you, man.

Look, I just really need to call in to this meeting, okay?

This is actually important.

Dana.

Did somebody cast a silencing spell on you?

You're so oblivious to what an ass you've been.

I'm sorry, but when I pictured this weekend,

I didn't picture dressing up like an extra from "The Hobbit."

Thank you. That wasn't a compliment.

Nobody dragged you out here,

and I thought you, out of anyone, would get this.

It's just like your comic books.

Graphic novels. And is it?

So, are you saying that it's better to just

read about something

rather than to go and actually experience it?

It feels like a trap.

Be careful.

In my opinion... Yes?

You'd rather lie on a couch and watch pro football

than actually be a pro football player.

Is that what you're saying?

It was a trap!

I'm just getting him on the line right now.

Just a small technical difficulty.

Just bear with me for one more minute,

and then we're gonna get started. I promise.

He never really was a game-day player, was he?

Come on, there's more to life than sports, Reisner.

Is there?

You know there's not.

Answer, answer, answer!

[Cellphone rings]

Peter, hey. Where the hell were you, man?

Schnel!

Na-vi Mae gin veduli chai grolshelen cee mitzryan!

Annan agoreg pellannas.

Lethio nin pitar!

Did you get all that? I'm a little, uh, rusty.

This is not a game to me.

This is literally a game.

Well, it's a game that I can actually be myself in.

Queen Kayla from the lower realm?

Yes.

And she's amazing. She's part of me.

I have spent years crafting this character,

and I know it sounds really silly to you,

but I've worked...

Very hard at it.

And I love it.

You know what? You're right.

You're totally right. I'm sorry.

You know what it is?

I got jealous 'cause they wouldn't let me be a mage.

'Cause I would be a great mage.

Watch this. Sorcerer.

Lady Kayla, you are to go with these adventurers.

Where are they taking you?

Back to the game.

See you at the hotel, yeah?

Yeah.

Uh, hey, man, could I get my phone?

It's kind of an emergency.

My brother really, really needs me.

You'll get it back soon.

Kayla has been sentenced to death.

Oh! Excellent!

Okay, cool. So the game's almost over.

- Yeah. - Great.

So we'll have time to lock down dinner,

and she can just get them next time.

That's not how it works.

After the sacrifice,

her spirit will leave these lands forever.

What, so she can't just, like, start over or something?

No, not as Kayla.

Dana's gonna be crushed.

Look on the bright side.

What's that?

I'm hooking up with a wood sprite later.

She is of loose morals. [Chuckles]

Oh, ye olde high five.

Uh, so, in conclusion,

uh, we make... really good trophies

because we're the best at t-trophying.

Thank you.

Wow, that was crap.

I cannot believe you and Peter came from the same father.

And, actually, I can't believe he's related to you at all.

All right, uh, uh, Reisner,

uh, Peter will be here on Monday.

We'll get him on the horn, and...

- Oh! Are you telling me how to do my job? - No.

Oh, because you did that once before,

and it didn't end well.

Hang on a second.

Now, I know I don't have Peter's athleticism,

but I'm gonna win you over, coach.

I sincerely doubt that.

You're wrong.

Something's changed within me.

Something's not the same.

I just have to trust my instinct,

close my eyes... and leap!

Should I do something?

Is your something better than his something?

It seems like it would almost have to be.

Well, then...

Our trophies...

And you together are unlimited.

Together, we will be a great team.

Come with us, coach.

It's time for us to defy gravity.

And no one can pull us down.

'Kay, first of all, don't touch me.

Sorry.

Second of all, not bad, Cooper.

That is my boy.

Does he give a hell of a motivational speech or what?

That was not a motivational speech, you dimwit.

That was the song "defying gravity"

from the musical "wicked."

How do you know that?

I'm a huge theater fan,

and I'm glad you finally took my advice.

Wait, what?!

You mean you meant that whole

"get off the field and get on the stage" thing...

In a good way?

Yes, you were a garbage ball player,

but you always had sort of some sort of panache.

Wait, are you buying trophies from us or not?

[Sighing] Yes, sure.

[Laughs] That was... anticlimactic.

So in the end, you're gonna give us your business

because I was true to myself,

and that's more important than being a star athlete.

Oh, no. Oh, God, no.

No, I'm doing that because I'm completely loyal to Peter.

And as long as Peter works here,

then Cooper and sons can have my business.

I cannot believe you never saw "Wicked."

I think I just saw "wicked."

Ohh!

[Both chuckle]

Hey, jailer.

Kid in here has a pretty bad stomachache.

I fear it may be the plague of rivins-bin.

I know it well.

Do you guys have a medic or a... like a healer?

Hang on a sec.

My sword!

And that's not all.

My keys.

Don't be a hero.

Yeah.

And you.

Hans, run!

Be free!

Oh, and, dude,

don't let your mom drive after she drinks her cocoa!

Ambush!

[Scottish accent] 'Tis I, Peter, son of William,

House Cooper, and all-around sword-wielding... guy.

[Normal voice] Look, you must release the queen,

or you will die by my hand.

- Not bad. - Yeah, it is.

Look out!

[Groans]

- You should yield. She hit your sword arm. - Nuh-unh.

- Yep. She hit your sword arm. - Did she really?

- Yeah, she did. - Oh, man.

I'll have you know that the sooner I can dispose of you...

Peter! [People gasp]

...the sooner I can go back to the inn

with my queen for some inn sex.

Whoa, she's your sister?

No, inn sex.

Two words, man. Inn... sex.

It... forget it.

No! Ohh.

Man: Bravo!

[Cheers and applause]

Are you not entertained?!

Ahh. [Chuckles]

[All cheer]

Come on, this was pretty awesome.

[Scoffs] Whatever. Nerd.

Elf.

[Crowd aws]

So, what happens now? Am I, like, a knight?

Are you gonna knight me? Give me powers?

Wow. Peter, House of Cooper...

Yeah?

...I'm afraid your fate is somewhat different.

What's going on?

I'm trading you for six of my men held captive.

Oh, what? What's gonna happen to me?

They'll probably kill you, is my guess.

Yeah. I mean, you did take out a bunch of their guys,

and six is very flattering.

All right. Okay.

Die well, treacherous worm!

I'll see you at dinner.

Sorry again about sending you to your death.

Oh, it was a glorious death for a warrior such as myself.

Hey, have you seen my ears?

Every time I close my eyes.

Ready for bed, milady?

Ohh, say it in that sexy way.

[Speaking Elvish]

[Moans]

Yes!

[Laughs]

If you ever tell anyone how much this turns me on,

I will divorce you.

I understand.

Okay.

[Laughs]

Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0