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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,289 --> 00:00:04,078 Dude, are you seeing this? 2 00:00:04,227 --> 00:00:07,063 Those babes are totally vibing our Bozaks. 3 00:00:07,089 --> 00:00:08,190 I'm gonna mack the one on the right. 4 00:00:08,223 --> 00:00:09,525 You Cool with the one on the left? 5 00:00:09,557 --> 00:00:11,827 - Mike, I'm with Lucy. - Who? 6 00:00:11,859 --> 00:00:14,028 My girlfriend, Lucy. 7 00:00:14,062 --> 00:00:15,730 Hi. How you doing? 8 00:00:15,763 --> 00:00:17,331 We... we're... we're dating. 9 00:00:17,364 --> 00:00:19,167 Still? 10 00:00:19,201 --> 00:00:23,906 - Josh, step into my office. - (SIGHS) Ay. 11 00:00:23,939 --> 00:00:25,540 (REGAL MUSIC) 12 00:00:25,574 --> 00:00:26,875 So what do you think of my office? 13 00:00:26,907 --> 00:00:28,576 It's a bit much. 14 00:00:28,610 --> 00:00:31,947 Joshua, I have been advising you for years, okay? 15 00:00:31,979 --> 00:00:34,849 Helping you build your sexual portfolio. 16 00:00:34,882 --> 00:00:38,086 We've had some good years, some lean ones. 17 00:00:38,119 --> 00:00:41,022 But I got to say, when I look at how you're currently positioned, 18 00:00:41,055 --> 00:00:43,858 it scares the hell out of me. 19 00:00:43,891 --> 00:00:45,961 Here's what I'd recommend for a typical bro 20 00:00:45,994 --> 00:00:48,097 with your income and attractiveness level. 21 00:00:48,130 --> 00:00:51,100 40% women at work, 40% bar hookups, 22 00:00:51,133 --> 00:00:53,235 and 20% ex-girlfriends. 23 00:00:53,267 --> 00:00:56,037 Now here's you. 24 00:00:56,070 --> 00:00:59,874 You are investing 100% of your resources 25 00:00:59,907 --> 00:01:01,142 into one girl. 26 00:01:01,175 --> 00:01:03,711 Yeah. Yeah. I really like her. 27 00:01:03,744 --> 00:01:07,615 You want my advice? Diversify. 28 00:01:07,648 --> 00:01:09,951 Here, take a look at my personal breakdown. 29 00:01:09,984 --> 00:01:14,088 As you can see, I have 0% in girlfriends, 30 00:01:14,121 --> 00:01:17,659 10% in randos, 5% in strange, 31 00:01:17,692 --> 00:01:19,928 3% in baristas, 32 00:01:19,960 --> 00:01:22,998 2% in confused tourists. 33 00:01:23,031 --> 00:01:26,601 Believe it or not, that has produced amazing returns lately. 34 00:01:26,635 --> 00:01:28,970 - Amazing returns. - Yeah. Right. 35 00:01:29,004 --> 00:01:30,939 Uh, well, thank you very much, Mike, 36 00:01:30,972 --> 00:01:33,442 eh, but I'm very happy with Lucy. 37 00:01:33,475 --> 00:01:34,943 (LIGHTER WHIRS) 38 00:01:34,975 --> 00:01:37,245 - Who? - My girlfriend, Lucy. 39 00:01:37,279 --> 00:01:38,613 Hi, again. 40 00:01:38,647 --> 00:01:41,115 Hi, again. 41 00:01:41,148 --> 00:01:42,918 Oh... 42 00:01:42,951 --> 00:01:45,921 (DOWN-TEMPO ELECTRONIC MUSIC) 43 00:01:45,954 --> 00:01:46,922 44 00:01:46,954 --> 00:01:48,322 Ah! 45 00:01:48,356 --> 00:01:51,626 46 00:01:51,660 --> 00:01:53,695 (SQUEAKS) 47 00:01:53,727 --> 00:01:55,363 48 00:01:55,397 --> 00:01:56,798 (GROWLS) 49 00:01:56,830 --> 00:02:03,839 50 00:02:09,971 --> 00:02:12,190 - sync and corrections by Mr.C - - www.addic7ed.com - 51 00:02:12,846 --> 00:02:14,382 (BIRDS CHIRPING) 52 00:02:14,416 --> 00:02:15,883 I don't think your friend Mike likes me very much. 53 00:02:15,917 --> 00:02:17,119 - What? - Yeah. 54 00:02:17,151 --> 00:02:18,553 - He... he likes you. - Really? 55 00:02:18,586 --> 00:02:20,354 He just doesn't know you very well. 56 00:02:20,387 --> 00:02:21,722 I guess... yeah, you... you could be right. 57 00:02:21,756 --> 00:02:22,958 Maybe we just haven't hung out enough. 58 00:02:22,990 --> 00:02:24,292 Yeah. 59 00:02:24,326 --> 00:02:25,626 We should think of, like, a bonding thing 60 00:02:25,660 --> 00:02:27,162 - we could all do together. - Yeah. 61 00:02:27,195 --> 00:02:28,964 Uh, there's this bar he really likes going to. 62 00:02:28,996 --> 00:02:30,666 Okay, maybe we could all go there after work? 63 00:02:30,698 --> 00:02:32,166 - Yeah, sure. - Oh, that's great. 64 00:02:32,199 --> 00:02:34,735 Oh, we're gonna be besties. I just know it. 65 00:02:34,768 --> 00:02:36,837 Hi. Where's Josh? 66 00:02:36,870 --> 00:02:38,739 Uh, he'll probably here really soon. 67 00:02:38,773 --> 00:02:41,643 (VIDEO GAME BEEPING) 68 00:02:41,675 --> 00:02:42,810 Goal! 69 00:02:42,844 --> 00:02:44,245 So where is this place? 70 00:02:44,279 --> 00:02:46,215 Uh, it's a couple doors down, 71 00:02:46,248 --> 00:02:51,153 then 2,000 feet into the belly of a Chilean copper mine. 72 00:02:51,185 --> 00:02:54,355 (EXOTIC WOODWIND MUSIC) 73 00:02:54,388 --> 00:03:01,362 74 00:03:01,395 --> 00:03:04,098 - Oh, this place is great. - (VIDEO GAME BEEPING) 75 00:03:04,131 --> 00:03:06,767 Goal! 76 00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:08,869 Mmm, my beer's good. 77 00:03:08,903 --> 00:03:12,673 The guy said it was, uh, a microbrew? 78 00:03:12,707 --> 00:03:14,442 Hey, it's like, um... 79 00:03:14,476 --> 00:03:18,046 Mike-ro-brew. 80 00:03:18,078 --> 00:03:19,413 It's like your name's right in there. 81 00:03:19,447 --> 00:03:22,417 If it was mine, it'd be Lu... Luc... 82 00:03:22,449 --> 00:03:24,518 No goal. 83 00:03:24,552 --> 00:03:26,687 (CELL PHONE RINGING) 84 00:03:26,721 --> 00:03:28,624 It's Josh! It's Josh. 85 00:03:28,656 --> 00:03:30,925 - Hi, are you almost here? - Well, it's official. 86 00:03:30,959 --> 00:03:33,028 Life loves to throw us curveballs. 87 00:03:33,060 --> 00:03:34,462 What? What are you talking about? 88 00:03:34,495 --> 00:03:35,963 Oh, just got slammed 89 00:03:35,996 --> 00:03:38,232 with a late-in-the-day highlighter shipment. 90 00:03:38,266 --> 00:03:39,567 - (MEN CLAMORING) - Sorry, what? 91 00:03:39,601 --> 00:03:41,303 Honey, it's really hard to hear you. 92 00:03:41,335 --> 00:03:42,703 Oh, nothing. Just that I'll have to place 93 00:03:42,737 --> 00:03:44,538 all the yellows with the yellows by hand 94 00:03:44,572 --> 00:03:46,942 and the blues with the blues, et cetera, et cetera. 95 00:03:46,975 --> 00:03:49,244 I won't be there for another half an hour at least. 96 00:03:49,276 --> 00:03:50,478 You're not gonna be here for half an hour? 97 00:03:50,512 --> 00:03:54,782 (EXPLOSION, MAN SCREAMS) 98 00:03:54,816 --> 00:03:56,485 (MEN SCREAMING IN SPANISH) 99 00:03:56,518 --> 00:03:59,154 (MEN COUGHING) 100 00:04:02,156 --> 00:04:03,724 Uh, well, it looks like it's just gonna be us 101 00:04:03,757 --> 00:04:04,925 for a little while. 102 00:04:04,959 --> 00:04:07,062 (SIGHS) Sucks. 103 00:04:07,094 --> 00:04:08,729 (SIGHS) 104 00:04:08,762 --> 00:04:11,433 (EPIC MUSIC) 105 00:04:11,466 --> 00:04:14,102 You're looking at the entrance to hell on Earth. 106 00:04:14,135 --> 00:04:16,305 Trapped nearly half a mile beneath the surface 107 00:04:16,337 --> 00:04:18,673 are Mike and Lucy. 108 00:04:18,707 --> 00:04:22,577 They have no food, no water, and, most importantly, 109 00:04:22,610 --> 00:04:25,847 no mutual friend to help make conversation. 110 00:04:25,880 --> 00:04:27,449 In a last-ditch effort, 111 00:04:27,481 --> 00:04:30,952 rescue crews are sending conversation starters down 112 00:04:30,985 --> 00:04:32,554 through drilled holes. 113 00:04:36,791 --> 00:04:39,261 Hey. 114 00:04:39,293 --> 00:04:40,861 Wow. Awesome. Okay. 115 00:04:40,894 --> 00:04:43,130 Ugh! 116 00:04:43,163 --> 00:04:45,166 Oh, these are great. Okay. 117 00:04:45,199 --> 00:04:46,967 What is your favorite band? 118 00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:49,337 - Ugh. - No? No good? Okay. 119 00:04:49,370 --> 00:04:52,207 Um... do you have any siblings? 120 00:04:52,240 --> 00:04:54,343 Where's Josh? Josh. 121 00:04:54,375 --> 00:04:55,710 Oh, hey, this is good. 122 00:04:55,743 --> 00:04:57,845 What character are you from "Sex and the City"? 123 00:04:57,878 --> 00:05:00,781 - 'Cause I'm... I'm Charlotte. - I can't take it any longer. 124 00:05:00,815 --> 00:05:02,351 (GUN COCKS) Tell Josh I love him. 125 00:05:02,384 --> 00:05:07,122 Man, damn it, why is Josh always late to everything? 126 00:05:07,154 --> 00:05:09,056 Huh. 127 00:05:09,089 --> 00:05:11,525 Yeah, that's true. 128 00:05:11,558 --> 00:05:13,327 Josh is late for everything. 129 00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:14,796 Oh, my God, we're talking. 130 00:05:14,829 --> 00:05:16,231 We're talking. This is good. This is so good. 131 00:05:16,264 --> 00:05:17,699 This is very good. Uh, Josh stuff. 132 00:05:17,731 --> 00:05:20,000 Josh stuff. More Josh stuff. Josh stuff. Um... 133 00:05:20,034 --> 00:05:21,903 - More Josh stuff. - (GASPS) 134 00:05:21,935 --> 00:05:23,637 Oh, hey! You ever notice how Josh, um... 135 00:05:23,671 --> 00:05:25,373 he gets ready in the bathroom, and it takes him, like, an hour, 136 00:05:25,406 --> 00:05:27,341 and then when he comes out, he's un-showered in, like, 137 00:05:27,375 --> 00:05:29,543 a T-shirt and jeans, and you're like, 138 00:05:29,577 --> 00:05:31,213 "What are you... what are you doing in there... 139 00:05:31,245 --> 00:05:33,048 for so long?" You know? 140 00:05:33,081 --> 00:05:35,317 - Yeah, he does do that. - Yeah. 141 00:05:35,349 --> 00:05:37,752 It's like, "What is going on in there?" 142 00:05:37,786 --> 00:05:39,187 No idea. I can tell you it's not... 143 00:05:39,219 --> 00:05:41,422 - it's not hygiene-related. - (LAUGHS) 144 00:05:41,456 --> 00:05:43,225 That's kind of funny. Man, I got way more. 145 00:05:43,257 --> 00:05:45,526 Okay, well, l-last night we were watching, um... 146 00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:46,995 Actually, you know what? That's... I'm not gonna... 147 00:05:47,027 --> 00:05:48,429 That one's really personal. 148 00:05:48,462 --> 00:05:49,998 - (GUN COCKS) - (GRUNTS) 149 00:05:50,031 --> 00:05:51,433 (GUN CLICKS) (GRUNTS) 150 00:05:51,466 --> 00:05:53,368 - Ah, here she comes. - (STAMMERS) 151 00:05:53,401 --> 00:05:55,537 You just have to promise not to tell anybody. 152 00:05:55,570 --> 00:05:56,738 Mm-hmm. 153 00:05:56,771 --> 00:05:58,106 - Like, really swear. - Sure. 154 00:05:58,139 --> 00:05:59,541 Okay, um... 155 00:05:59,574 --> 00:06:01,610 so last night, we were watching "Cool Runnings," 156 00:06:01,642 --> 00:06:04,178 and at the end, Josh cried so loud 157 00:06:04,211 --> 00:06:05,514 that I had to turn up the volume. 158 00:06:05,546 --> 00:06:07,047 (LAUGHING) 159 00:06:07,081 --> 00:06:09,618 - Oh, my God. For real? - Yeah. 160 00:06:09,651 --> 00:06:12,387 And then he asked me if I could hold him until he fell asleep. 161 00:06:12,420 --> 00:06:14,756 Oh, man, so good. What else you got? 162 00:06:14,788 --> 00:06:18,192 Um... do you know about his crippling fear of horses? 163 00:06:18,226 --> 00:06:19,894 Horses? No way. 164 00:06:19,928 --> 00:06:22,363 He sees one, and he gets all, like, shaky and... and sweaty, 165 00:06:22,397 --> 00:06:24,800 - and he freaks out. - Ha! Spaz. 166 00:06:24,832 --> 00:06:26,267 There's an air of optimism here, 167 00:06:26,300 --> 00:06:28,235 as we're being told that Mike and Lucy 168 00:06:28,269 --> 00:06:30,572 have found a source of conversation. 169 00:06:30,605 --> 00:06:32,908 It's truly a miracle from God. 170 00:06:32,940 --> 00:06:35,310 He crapped his pants? Could people tell? 171 00:06:35,343 --> 00:06:36,610 Okay, well, no, except then he kept yelling, 172 00:06:36,644 --> 00:06:37,812 "I just crapped my pants" 173 00:06:37,846 --> 00:06:39,079 like, over and over and over again. 174 00:06:39,113 --> 00:06:40,916 (BOTH LAUGHING) 175 00:06:40,949 --> 00:06:44,419 (RUMBLING) 176 00:06:44,452 --> 00:06:45,586 Hey, guys. 177 00:06:45,620 --> 00:06:46,588 - Hey, dude. - Hey, baby. 178 00:06:46,620 --> 00:06:48,389 Sorry I'm late. 179 00:06:48,423 --> 00:06:50,225 Ah. 180 00:06:50,257 --> 00:06:54,094 Huh, this place is kind of a dive. 181 00:06:54,127 --> 00:06:57,164 Is that... is that... is that guy eating that other guy? 182 00:06:57,197 --> 00:06:59,099 - Yeah. - Mm-hmm. 183 00:06:59,132 --> 00:07:01,570 Should we try someplace else or...? 184 00:07:01,603 --> 00:07:02,671 - Sure. - Okay, yeah, let's go. 185 00:07:02,704 --> 00:07:03,971 - Yeah, sure. Yeah. - Yep. 186 00:07:04,005 --> 00:07:08,175 (HAPPY LATIN MUSIC) 187 00:07:08,209 --> 00:07:10,946 (WOMAN SINGING IN SPANISH) 188 00:07:10,978 --> 00:07:16,517 189 00:07:16,550 --> 00:07:19,086 So did you guy do okay in there without me? 190 00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:20,856 Yeah. You know what? We had... we had lots of fun. 191 00:07:20,889 --> 00:07:22,524 - Yeah, it was cool... - Totally. 192 00:07:22,557 --> 00:07:24,092 Runnings. (SNORTS) 193 00:07:24,125 --> 00:07:25,860 Cool runnings. (CLEARS THROAT) 194 00:07:25,894 --> 00:07:27,596 - What... what does that mean? - Do you want to go to the bar? 195 00:07:27,648 --> 00:07:30,664 - Okay, yeah. - (GIGGLES) 196 00:07:30,697 --> 00:07:31,733 (LAUGHS) 197 00:07:34,572 --> 00:07:36,108 And long story short, uh, 198 00:07:36,141 --> 00:07:37,776 I'm not allowed to use the bathroom 199 00:07:37,808 --> 00:07:40,912 at any Hardee's location across North America ever again. 200 00:07:40,945 --> 00:07:42,079 - Wow. - Yeah. 201 00:07:42,113 --> 00:07:43,714 That's intense. 202 00:07:43,747 --> 00:07:45,416 I can't believe I'm telling you all this 203 00:07:45,449 --> 00:07:48,286 really embarrassing, private stuff about myself, you know? 204 00:07:48,320 --> 00:07:51,656 I-I'm usually very, very guarded 205 00:07:51,690 --> 00:07:53,091 and secretive, you know? 206 00:07:53,123 --> 00:07:55,226 But I just... I just... I trust you. 207 00:07:55,259 --> 00:07:56,928 I can tell you anything. 208 00:07:56,961 --> 00:07:58,997 I-I feel like you're a vault, you know what I mean? 209 00:07:59,029 --> 00:08:00,998 (CELL PHONE CHIMES) Oh, one second. 210 00:08:01,031 --> 00:08:02,834 - J-Josh... - Oh, my God. 211 00:08:02,868 --> 00:08:04,101 - Oh, my God. - Are you okay? 212 00:08:04,134 --> 00:08:06,305 Doug sent me a picture of a horse. 213 00:08:06,337 --> 00:08:08,906 I hate them so much. I hate them so much. 214 00:08:08,940 --> 00:08:10,007 Whew. (CELL PHONE CHIMES) 215 00:08:10,041 --> 00:08:12,009 Oh, he just... 216 00:08:12,043 --> 00:08:13,611 texted me again. 217 00:08:13,644 --> 00:08:15,913 "Did I scare you?" 218 00:08:15,947 --> 00:08:17,316 Huh, that's curious. 219 00:08:17,349 --> 00:08:19,117 You're, like, literally the only person 220 00:08:19,149 --> 00:08:22,654 I've ever told about my, uh, fear of horses, so... 221 00:08:22,687 --> 00:08:25,490 Huh. Hmm. 222 00:08:25,524 --> 00:08:27,658 Okay. You know what? Um... 223 00:08:27,692 --> 00:08:29,827 I got to split. Love you. 224 00:08:29,860 --> 00:08:31,697 (LINE TRILLING) 225 00:08:31,730 --> 00:08:33,365 - (CELL PHONE RINGING) - Hello? 226 00:08:33,398 --> 00:08:34,966 - Mike... - Oh, hey, Laura. 227 00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:36,134 Lucy. Still... still Lucy. 228 00:08:36,167 --> 00:08:37,603 Listen, are you telling people 229 00:08:37,635 --> 00:08:38,669 all that stuff I told you about Josh? 230 00:08:38,702 --> 00:08:40,338 Oh, yeah, big-time. 231 00:08:40,371 --> 00:08:42,440 Mike, what the hell? All of that was confidential. 232 00:08:42,474 --> 00:08:43,809 You swore you wouldn't say anything. 233 00:08:43,841 --> 00:08:45,510 I know. But then I realized 234 00:08:45,543 --> 00:08:47,513 the magnitude of what you were telling me... 235 00:08:47,546 --> 00:08:50,716 how funny the shit about Josh was... 236 00:08:50,749 --> 00:08:52,651 and I realized I could no longer stay silent. 237 00:08:52,683 --> 00:08:55,853 I had a responsibility to tell the American people. 238 00:08:55,886 --> 00:08:59,457 (DRAMATIC MUSIC) 239 00:08:59,490 --> 00:09:01,125 Now, if you'll excuse me, 240 00:09:01,158 --> 00:09:03,128 I need to conduct an enormous press conference. 241 00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:04,630 Shit. Shit. 242 00:09:04,663 --> 00:09:06,798 243 00:09:06,831 --> 00:09:10,034 Julian Assange, Edward Snowden, 244 00:09:10,067 --> 00:09:14,338 and now the most controversial whistleblower yet... 245 00:09:14,371 --> 00:09:16,240 ladies and gentlemen, please welcome 246 00:09:16,274 --> 00:09:19,977 the man behind Josh-i-leaks, Mike Scaggs, 247 00:09:20,010 --> 00:09:21,812 joining us live via satellite 248 00:09:21,846 --> 00:09:24,716 from an undisclosed location in Hong Kong. 249 00:09:24,749 --> 00:09:27,553 Mike, why are you in hiding? 250 00:09:27,586 --> 00:09:29,020 Because I fear for my safety. 251 00:09:29,053 --> 00:09:30,389 Believe it or not, there are some who think 252 00:09:30,422 --> 00:09:32,024 what I'm doing is wrong. 253 00:09:32,057 --> 00:09:34,226 And do you think what you're doing is wrong? 254 00:09:34,259 --> 00:09:36,928 All I know is that the public needs to be informed, 255 00:09:36,961 --> 00:09:39,932 because these revelations about Josh are, like, so funny. 256 00:09:39,965 --> 00:09:41,767 Like, when you hear them, you're like, "What? 257 00:09:41,799 --> 00:09:43,501 That's really funny." 258 00:09:43,534 --> 00:09:45,536 You know, like, that he cried during "Cool Runnings." 259 00:09:45,569 --> 00:09:47,171 Wait, I-I'm sorry. Slow down. 260 00:09:47,205 --> 00:09:48,907 Am I hearing you correctly? 261 00:09:48,939 --> 00:09:53,010 Are you referring to the 1993 comedy "Cool Runnings"? 262 00:09:53,043 --> 00:09:55,846 - I am. - About those bobsled guys... 263 00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:58,082 - the Jamaicans? - Correct. 264 00:09:58,115 --> 00:10:00,519 - That's a kids' movie. - Exactly. 265 00:10:00,552 --> 00:10:02,019 (CROWD MURMURS) 266 00:10:02,053 --> 00:10:03,355 (DOOR OPENS) 267 00:10:03,388 --> 00:10:06,024 Josh... Josh, what are you doing here? 268 00:10:06,057 --> 00:10:07,359 - Oh, hey. - Hi. 269 00:10:07,391 --> 00:10:09,026 Uh, I was looking for a bathroom, 270 00:10:09,059 --> 00:10:11,762 and I wandered into this international press conference. 271 00:10:11,796 --> 00:10:14,366 What, uh... what... what is the subject matter? 272 00:10:14,399 --> 00:10:16,201 Um, you know what? Uh, nothing. 273 00:10:16,234 --> 00:10:17,369 It's... it's kind of boring. Do you want to get out of here? 274 00:10:17,402 --> 00:10:18,737 You can use the bathroom next door. 275 00:10:18,769 --> 00:10:20,271 I can't. It's a Hardee's. 276 00:10:20,304 --> 00:10:21,272 What else can I tell you about Josh? 277 00:10:21,306 --> 00:10:22,808 What the hell? 278 00:10:22,841 --> 00:10:24,241 He got lost at the mall when he was 16. 279 00:10:24,274 --> 00:10:26,043 Oh, in middle school, he got a boner 280 00:10:26,077 --> 00:10:27,879 - during a clarinet recital. - Gross. 281 00:10:27,912 --> 00:10:30,148 Now, Mike, I know this might potentially 282 00:10:30,181 --> 00:10:31,817 be putting yourself at risk, 283 00:10:31,850 --> 00:10:33,752 but would you be prepared at this time 284 00:10:33,784 --> 00:10:35,286 to do a mean impression 285 00:10:35,319 --> 00:10:38,589 of Josh getting a boner at that clarinet recital? 286 00:10:38,623 --> 00:10:41,460 - What... what... what is going on? - Um... 287 00:10:41,492 --> 00:10:43,661 I can only speculate it went something like this. 288 00:10:43,694 --> 00:10:46,831 (HUMMING SNAKE CHARMER MELODY) 289 00:10:46,865 --> 00:10:48,100 Boing! 290 00:10:48,133 --> 00:10:49,501 This theory, of course, 291 00:10:49,533 --> 00:10:53,237 implying that Josh is the snake charmer, 292 00:10:53,270 --> 00:10:55,439 charming his boner, which is the snake. 293 00:10:55,472 --> 00:10:58,275 (HUMMING SNAKE CHARMER MELODY) 294 00:10:58,308 --> 00:11:01,846 (WHINY VOICE) Oh, no! My boner's going into my clarinet. 295 00:11:01,880 --> 00:11:05,082 It's like I'm having sex with it, and I like it. 296 00:11:05,115 --> 00:11:07,418 (IMITATES SOBBING) 297 00:11:07,452 --> 00:11:09,287 (NORMAL VOICE) Of course, we don't have all the information. 298 00:11:09,319 --> 00:11:12,156 Of course. It's not outside the realm of possibilities. 299 00:11:12,189 --> 00:11:13,824 It... it could've been more like... 300 00:11:13,857 --> 00:11:15,860 (GOOFY VOICE) "Ooh! It's stuck in the clarinet. 301 00:11:15,894 --> 00:11:18,029 Hey, janitor, help!" 302 00:11:18,062 --> 00:11:20,131 - (NORMAL VOICE) Is that...? - Yes. 303 00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:24,635 How does Mike know all this stuff about me? 304 00:11:24,668 --> 00:11:25,971 I'd like to thank my informant, 305 00:11:26,004 --> 00:11:28,974 who at this time I will not name... 306 00:11:29,006 --> 00:11:30,675 because I'm blanking on it, 307 00:11:30,708 --> 00:11:32,678 uh, but it's Josh's girlfriend. 308 00:11:32,711 --> 00:11:35,279 She told me everything. (LAUGHS) 309 00:11:35,312 --> 00:11:37,314 Just blabbed away. 310 00:11:37,347 --> 00:11:38,616 - (SCOFFS) - Hey, Josh... Josh... 311 00:11:38,649 --> 00:11:39,884 How could you do that? 312 00:11:39,918 --> 00:11:42,354 The entire world is laughing at me. 313 00:11:42,386 --> 00:11:43,988 Because Mike told everybody, not me. 314 00:11:44,022 --> 00:11:45,791 Yeah, of course Mike told everybody. 315 00:11:45,823 --> 00:11:48,559 I would expect that from him, but not from you. 316 00:11:48,592 --> 00:11:49,995 - I trusted you. - I know. I'm... 317 00:11:50,028 --> 00:11:51,462 I'm so sorry. J-Josh. 318 00:11:51,495 --> 00:11:53,130 (HUMMING SNAKE CHARMER MELODY) 319 00:11:53,163 --> 00:11:56,168 Anyway, peace out, queefs. (BLOWS RASPBERRY) 320 00:12:05,036 --> 00:12:07,907 - (SIGHS) (KNOCK AT DOOR) 321 00:12:07,940 --> 00:12:09,575 - (GROANS) - Oh, hey, uh... 322 00:12:09,608 --> 00:12:11,978 - Mara or...? - Lucy. 323 00:12:12,011 --> 00:12:14,814 - Where's Josh? - I don't know. 324 00:12:14,847 --> 00:12:17,450 - He's still mad at me. - (LAUGHS) Oh, yeah. 325 00:12:17,483 --> 00:12:19,819 You told me all that stuff, and then I told everyone else. 326 00:12:19,852 --> 00:12:22,288 (LAUGHS) So good. 327 00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:24,456 All right, well, just came to pick up my "Final Battle II," 328 00:12:24,489 --> 00:12:26,758 so I'm out of here. 329 00:12:26,791 --> 00:12:29,295 Wow, you're a real asshole, you know that? 330 00:12:29,328 --> 00:12:30,997 Whoa, where's that coming from? 331 00:12:31,030 --> 00:12:32,798 Do you have any idea how hard it is 332 00:12:32,830 --> 00:12:34,300 to try to be friends with you? 333 00:12:34,333 --> 00:12:35,968 Why does it matter if we're friends. 334 00:12:36,001 --> 00:12:38,637 (WHISPERS) Jesus. All right, yeah, you know what? 335 00:12:38,671 --> 00:12:40,373 You're probably right. It was stupid and pointless. 336 00:12:40,406 --> 00:12:42,375 - I don't know why I forced it. - Yeah, that was weird. 337 00:12:42,407 --> 00:12:43,808 Why'd you do that? 338 00:12:43,841 --> 00:12:45,277 Because you're Josh's best friend, 339 00:12:45,310 --> 00:12:46,311 and I love Josh. 340 00:12:46,344 --> 00:12:47,879 For real? Like, even though 341 00:12:47,912 --> 00:12:49,382 you know all that embarrassing shit about him? 342 00:12:49,415 --> 00:12:50,883 Of course. 343 00:12:50,916 --> 00:12:52,685 That goofy stuff is part of why I love him. 344 00:12:52,718 --> 00:12:54,786 Thanks to you, he hates me now. 345 00:12:54,820 --> 00:12:58,858 - Oh... - (CELL PHONE CHIMES) 346 00:12:58,891 --> 00:13:00,825 (SIGHS) Here we go. 347 00:13:00,859 --> 00:13:02,128 He just sent me a really cold text 348 00:13:02,161 --> 00:13:03,829 asking if I can meet him downtown 349 00:13:03,862 --> 00:13:05,531 'cause he wants to "tell me something in person." 350 00:13:05,564 --> 00:13:07,967 I'm sure it's fine. How mad can he be? 351 00:13:07,999 --> 00:13:10,335 Bring out the accused! 352 00:13:10,368 --> 00:13:12,637 (MOB SHOUTING) 353 00:13:12,671 --> 00:13:15,174 Make way for the Lord's work. 354 00:13:15,206 --> 00:13:18,310 You shouldn't have told secrets about Josh. 355 00:13:18,344 --> 00:13:21,247 He opened up to you, and you broke his trust. 356 00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:25,151 That's private stuff! Private stuff! 357 00:13:25,184 --> 00:13:29,555 (DRUM BANGING, MOB BOOING) 358 00:13:29,588 --> 00:13:31,390 Josh... Josh, can we talk about this? 359 00:13:31,422 --> 00:13:33,658 - I think you've talked enough. - (SIGHS) 360 00:13:33,691 --> 00:13:35,994 For the high crimes of telling people 361 00:13:36,027 --> 00:13:38,263 I cried during "Cool Runnings," 362 00:13:38,296 --> 00:13:41,032 as well as telling people I got lost at the mall, 363 00:13:41,065 --> 00:13:43,502 as well as telling people that I crapped my pants 364 00:13:43,535 --> 00:13:44,904 while suspended in the air 365 00:13:44,936 --> 00:13:46,839 during a high-school production of "Peter Pan." 366 00:13:46,872 --> 00:13:48,107 No, Josh, I didn't tell him that one. 367 00:13:48,139 --> 00:13:49,541 - You... you didn't? - No. 368 00:13:49,575 --> 00:13:51,109 'Cause I got a text from Nikhil 369 00:13:51,142 --> 00:13:53,079 making fun of me for crapping my pants. 370 00:13:53,112 --> 00:13:54,380 No, I told him about a different time 371 00:13:54,412 --> 00:13:56,114 - that you crapped your pants. - Oh. 372 00:13:56,147 --> 00:13:57,916 - The subway? - No. 373 00:13:57,950 --> 00:13:59,451 The tramway? 374 00:13:59,484 --> 00:14:01,119 How many times has this happened? 375 00:14:01,152 --> 00:14:02,521 (MOB MURMURS) 376 00:14:02,554 --> 00:14:04,190 That doesn't... That hardly matters. 377 00:14:04,223 --> 00:14:07,260 The point is I declare this woman guilty. 378 00:14:07,292 --> 00:14:09,961 - (MOB CHEERS) - Yeah! String her up! 379 00:14:09,994 --> 00:14:11,563 Ha ha! This is happening! 380 00:14:11,597 --> 00:14:14,133 Oh, this is happening! 381 00:14:14,166 --> 00:14:15,133 Yes, it is. 382 00:14:15,166 --> 00:14:16,569 (ARROW WHOOSHES) 383 00:14:16,602 --> 00:14:19,272 (MOB GASPS) 384 00:14:19,305 --> 00:14:21,140 Mike? 385 00:14:21,172 --> 00:14:24,542 Oh, (BLEEP), it's a horse. Oh, man, it had to be a horse. 386 00:14:24,575 --> 00:14:27,279 Sir. Hey. Hey, madam. 387 00:14:27,312 --> 00:14:29,782 (TRIUMPHANT MUSIC) 388 00:14:29,815 --> 00:14:32,118 I'm here to speak in this lady's defense! 389 00:14:32,151 --> 00:14:34,120 (MOB GROANS) 390 00:14:34,152 --> 00:14:37,623 When I first met this woman, I believed her to be very lame. 391 00:14:37,656 --> 00:14:39,425 I was like, "What is this? 392 00:14:39,458 --> 00:14:40,993 I don't know what's up with this." 393 00:14:41,026 --> 00:14:43,396 I was also like, "Why this one?" 394 00:14:43,429 --> 00:14:45,298 And given some time, I was like, 395 00:14:45,330 --> 00:14:48,099 "This one still? But why? 396 00:14:48,133 --> 00:14:50,503 What's going on here? What is this?" 397 00:14:50,536 --> 00:14:52,738 Then I talked to her and hung out with her a little, 398 00:14:52,771 --> 00:14:56,108 and one fact shone so bright, it could not be denied. 399 00:14:56,141 --> 00:14:59,178 She loves my buddy... big-time, 400 00:14:59,210 --> 00:15:01,180 and that is very rare. 401 00:15:01,213 --> 00:15:03,582 Most girls are like, "That guy? Why?" 402 00:15:03,614 --> 00:15:06,851 And also like, "No way, not him. I'd rather not." 403 00:15:06,884 --> 00:15:11,157 And at times, they're like, "What is going on there? Ugh." 404 00:15:11,190 --> 00:15:13,693 Anyway, this girlfriend is cool! 405 00:15:13,725 --> 00:15:16,328 (MOB CHEERS) 406 00:15:16,362 --> 00:15:19,098 Also, dude, it feels like you're kind of overreacting. 407 00:15:19,131 --> 00:15:20,333 Yeah. Yeah, I know. 408 00:15:20,365 --> 00:15:22,534 - You hired a hangman? - Mm. 409 00:15:22,567 --> 00:15:24,769 And I had to kill him? That's nuts. 410 00:15:24,802 --> 00:15:26,871 I'm a murderer now. (STAMMERS) 411 00:15:26,905 --> 00:15:28,541 - That's crazy. - Yeah. 412 00:15:28,574 --> 00:15:31,444 Sorry, Lucy. It's okay. I'm sorry. 413 00:15:31,477 --> 00:15:33,479 (MOB CHEERING, WHISTLING) 414 00:15:33,512 --> 00:15:37,116 - The charges have been dropped! - (MOB CHEERS) 415 00:15:37,148 --> 00:15:40,118 Wait, you... you still gonna hang someone, though, right? 416 00:15:40,152 --> 00:15:43,355 Uh, no, not today. 417 00:15:43,388 --> 00:15:45,157 Hey, congrats, man. You got a good one. 418 00:15:45,190 --> 00:15:47,325 Thanks, I know. 419 00:15:47,359 --> 00:15:49,394 - Hang someone! - No. 420 00:15:49,427 --> 00:15:51,162 What do you even get out of it anyway? 421 00:15:51,195 --> 00:15:52,731 It's exciting. 422 00:15:52,764 --> 00:15:55,133 Hey, uh, you want to grab a beer or something? 423 00:15:55,166 --> 00:15:57,002 Sure. Do you want to come, Lucy? 424 00:15:57,035 --> 00:15:58,838 Yeah. Yeah, I do. 425 00:15:58,870 --> 00:16:00,839 (CHEERFUL MUSIC) 426 00:16:00,873 --> 00:16:04,576 Hey, uh, looks like everyone's gonna go grab one, huh? 427 00:16:04,609 --> 00:16:08,012 Very cool. Very cool. 428 00:16:08,046 --> 00:16:09,248 Uh... 429 00:16:09,281 --> 00:16:12,051 Yeah, do you... 430 00:16:12,084 --> 00:16:13,419 do you want to come? 431 00:16:13,451 --> 00:16:15,553 Sure, if you insist, uh... 432 00:16:15,586 --> 00:16:18,590 This turned out to be a fun evening. 433 00:16:18,623 --> 00:16:21,060 - Want to know something? - What's that? 434 00:16:21,093 --> 00:16:23,429 You guys are my best friends. 435 00:16:23,461 --> 00:16:25,597 - Oh, that's... that's cool. - Aw, that's really nice. 436 00:16:25,631 --> 00:16:26,966 - That's, you know... - Yeah. 437 00:16:28,342 --> 00:16:29,977 (MUSIC THUMPING) 438 00:16:30,803 --> 00:16:33,006 - Dude, are you seeing this? - Hmm? 439 00:16:33,039 --> 00:16:35,575 Those babes are totally vibing my Bozak. 440 00:16:35,609 --> 00:16:37,344 Should I mack the one on the right or the left? 441 00:16:37,376 --> 00:16:40,113 Uh, I feel like the one on the right is more your type. 442 00:16:40,146 --> 00:16:42,082 Yeah, what do you think, Lucy? 443 00:16:42,114 --> 00:16:44,851 Oh, uh, yeah, yeah, definitely the one on the right. 444 00:16:44,884 --> 00:16:46,352 Plus, the one on the left has a wedding ring. 445 00:16:46,386 --> 00:16:47,788 BOTH: Whoa. 446 00:16:47,821 --> 00:16:50,256 Got an insider working for us here. 447 00:16:50,290 --> 00:16:53,694 Wish me luck. 448 00:16:53,726 --> 00:16:56,530 That's really nice what you did for your friend there. 449 00:16:56,563 --> 00:17:00,034 You think you could help me find a man? 450 00:17:00,066 --> 00:17:01,501 Yeah. Totally, Methelda. 451 00:17:01,534 --> 00:17:04,004 Uh, what about that guy right there? 452 00:17:04,036 --> 00:17:05,371 Oh, he looks like a screamer. 453 00:17:05,405 --> 00:17:07,107 - Mm-mm. - Right. 454 00:17:07,140 --> 00:17:09,842 Well, there's also that guy. I mean, he seems cool. 455 00:17:09,876 --> 00:17:13,781 Ooh, he's got a thick neck. Looks like a defecator. 456 00:17:13,813 --> 00:17:15,481 All right, so, just to be clear, 457 00:17:15,515 --> 00:17:17,351 are you looking for a guy more for, like... for dating 458 00:17:17,383 --> 00:17:18,485 - or more... - Hanging! (LAUGHS) 459 00:17:18,517 --> 00:17:19,952 - Right. - Got ya. 460 00:17:19,986 --> 00:17:21,889 Lots of these guys... now that I'm looking... 461 00:17:21,921 --> 00:17:23,723 could be potential hangers. 462 00:17:23,756 --> 00:17:26,860 Someone here had to do something wrong, right? 463 00:17:26,892 --> 00:17:28,629 Hey, you ever notice how we always talk about hanging? 464 00:17:28,661 --> 00:17:30,663 - Yeah. - Ooh, I'm sorry. 465 00:17:30,697 --> 00:17:33,033 You know what? I brought some conversation starters, too. 466 00:17:33,065 --> 00:17:34,534 Oh. 467 00:17:34,568 --> 00:17:36,837 Which "Sex and the City" character would you be? 468 00:17:36,870 --> 00:17:40,040 I'm a Samantha, believe it or not. 469 00:17:40,072 --> 00:17:43,310 Yeah, I gue... I guess that makes sense... 470 00:17:43,342 --> 00:17:44,711 of the four. 471 00:17:44,745 --> 00:17:46,045 Let me go to this next one. 472 00:17:46,079 --> 00:17:48,749 What's your favorite form of execution? 473 00:17:48,782 --> 00:17:51,552 - BOTH: Methelda! - (LAUGHS) 474 00:17:51,584 --> 00:17:53,419 (UPBEAT MUSIC) 475 00:17:53,453 --> 00:17:58,024 Living and laughing, loving and a-learning 476 00:17:58,057 --> 00:18:00,660 477 00:18:00,694 --> 00:18:05,399 Moving and grooving and sometimes there's a hanging 478 00:18:05,431 --> 00:18:07,900 479 00:18:07,934 --> 00:18:09,837 The chips may be down 480 00:18:09,870 --> 00:18:13,573 But everything is looking up, up, up, up 481 00:18:13,607 --> 00:18:15,509 It's "The Methelda Show" 482 00:18:15,542 --> 00:18:17,343 ALL: It's "The Methelda Show" 483 00:18:17,377 --> 00:18:20,347 It's "The Methelda Show" 484 00:18:20,380 --> 00:18:21,881 "The Methelda Show" was filmed 485 00:18:21,915 --> 00:18:23,717 in front of a live studio audience. 486 00:18:23,749 --> 00:18:25,935 - sync and corrections by Mr.C - - www.addic7ed.com - 487 00:18:25,985 --> 00:18:30,535 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 35373

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