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1
00:00:00,188 --> 00:00:02,157
You know, I was thinking
maybe tonight, we try
2
00:00:02,191 --> 00:00:05,161
that tofu with peppers dish
we were reading about.
3
00:00:05,194 --> 00:00:07,130
- Ambitious. I like it.
- Okay, uh, fennel seeds.
4
00:00:07,162 --> 00:00:09,064
- Go.
- We need tofu.
5
00:00:09,098 --> 00:00:12,668
We need two red and yellow bell peppers.
6
00:00:12,700 --> 00:00:14,136
(ominous music pounds)
7
00:00:14,170 --> 00:00:15,972
Oh...
8
00:00:16,005 --> 00:00:18,530
Um, is there any way that
somebody could be, like
9
00:00:18,555 --> 00:00:20,223
- watching us, is that a thing?
- What?
10
00:00:20,256 --> 00:00:21,524
11
00:00:21,558 --> 00:00:23,226
Oh, Christ, they found me.
12
00:00:23,259 --> 00:00:25,662
- What's going on?
- Uh, do you trust me?
13
00:00:25,695 --> 00:00:27,330
- Yes?
- Run!
14
00:00:27,363 --> 00:00:30,333
(intense percussive music)
15
00:00:30,366 --> 00:00:32,669
16
00:00:34,405 --> 00:00:35,606
(grunts)
17
00:00:44,347 --> 00:00:46,684
(tires screech)
18
00:00:46,717 --> 00:00:49,253
Oh! What's the matter with you?
Are you nuts?
19
00:00:49,285 --> 00:00:50,421
(grunts)
20
00:00:50,454 --> 00:00:52,490
21
00:00:52,523 --> 00:00:53,758
(thud)
22
00:00:53,791 --> 00:00:55,693
- (groans)
- Josh!
23
00:00:55,725 --> 00:00:57,527
- Jesus Christ.
- Honey, are you okay?
24
00:00:57,561 --> 00:00:59,529
- (moans)
- Who are you?
25
00:00:59,562 --> 00:01:02,399
I'm Josh's stepdad, Tom.
26
00:01:02,433 --> 00:01:03,533
Oh, my God, hi.
27
00:01:03,567 --> 00:01:04,901
Bet that was hard to tell
28
00:01:04,934 --> 00:01:06,537
with this new hat I'm trying out, huh?
29
00:01:06,570 --> 00:01:07,671
Tom, what do you want?
30
00:01:07,704 --> 00:01:09,006
Your mother sent me.
31
00:01:09,038 --> 00:01:11,007
Ever since you two started dating,
32
00:01:11,041 --> 00:01:13,110
you've been on her Most Wanted list.
33
00:01:13,142 --> 00:01:15,612
You can't get away with
having a new girlfriend
34
00:01:15,645 --> 00:01:17,915
and not bringing her by for dinner.
35
00:01:17,948 --> 00:01:20,184
Uh, yeah, you're right. I'm sorry.
36
00:01:20,217 --> 00:01:22,186
(groans) Uh, well, see,
the thing about it is,
37
00:01:22,219 --> 00:01:24,121
this week, I... it's pretty hectic,
38
00:01:24,154 --> 00:01:25,856
work-wise, it's just
that time of year...
39
00:01:25,889 --> 00:01:26,857
(blow lands) Ah!
40
00:01:26,889 --> 00:01:28,124
Okay. (winded gasp)
41
00:01:28,157 --> 00:01:30,026
Not just work, there's also... we have
42
00:01:30,059 --> 00:01:32,028
out-of-town friends visiting
that don't really know this...
43
00:01:32,062 --> 00:01:33,431
(blow lands) Ah! Jesus Christ.
44
00:01:33,464 --> 00:01:34,598
- Josh?
- All right, stop.
45
00:01:34,630 --> 00:01:36,466
Just... please.
46
00:01:36,499 --> 00:01:38,134
Stop hitting me. Look,
we'll come for dinner.
47
00:01:38,168 --> 00:01:39,702
- (upbeat music)
- Yeah, yeah, we can't wait.
48
00:01:39,735 --> 00:01:41,204
Okeydoke! We'll see you Friday.
49
00:01:41,237 --> 00:01:42,205
Okay.
50
00:01:42,238 --> 00:01:43,541
- (blow lands)
- (gasps)
51
00:01:43,574 --> 00:01:46,544
(downtempo electronic music)
52
00:01:46,577 --> 00:01:47,545
53
00:01:47,577 --> 00:01:48,878
Ah!
54
00:01:48,912 --> 00:01:52,081
55
00:01:52,115 --> 00:01:54,151
(squeaks)
56
00:01:54,183 --> 00:01:55,885
57
00:01:55,919 --> 00:01:57,220
(growls)
58
00:01:57,254 --> 00:01:59,257
59
00:02:09,207 --> 00:02:12,082
- sync and corrections by Mr.C -
- www.addic7ed.com -
60
00:02:13,504 --> 00:02:14,472
(upbeat music)
61
00:02:14,504 --> 00:02:15,997
I am so excited.
62
00:02:16,083 --> 00:02:17,985
I finally get to meet the
famous Patti Greenberg.
63
00:02:18,019 --> 00:02:19,200
What you doing, Josh?
64
00:02:19,271 --> 00:02:20,339
(pained chuckle)
65
00:02:20,365 --> 00:02:22,234
Uh, well, I read online
66
00:02:22,266 --> 00:02:24,603
uh, that yoga relaxes you,
so I tried doing yoga,
67
00:02:24,635 --> 00:02:26,271
but I injured myself pretty badly.
68
00:02:26,305 --> 00:02:27,740
So now I'm just trying
to make it better.
69
00:02:27,772 --> 00:02:29,073
Josh, why are you so nervous?
70
00:02:29,107 --> 00:02:30,508
Uh, look,
71
00:02:30,542 --> 00:02:32,411
Lucy, I know how awesome you are.
72
00:02:32,443 --> 00:02:35,346
But my mother is a very
particular person.
73
00:02:35,379 --> 00:02:37,415
And her house has, like,
74
00:02:37,449 --> 00:02:39,385
a million weird little rules.
75
00:02:39,418 --> 00:02:41,353
Josh, it's totally fine.
76
00:02:41,385 --> 00:02:42,687
It's gonna be cool, we'll just...
77
00:02:42,721 --> 00:02:43,956
uh, we'll just feel it out, okay?
78
00:02:43,989 --> 00:02:45,290
You'll just feel it out?
79
00:02:45,324 --> 00:02:46,625
- Are you crazy?
- They're just parents.
80
00:02:46,657 --> 00:02:47,926
- It's fine.
- You don't understand.
81
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:49,228
You don't know what you're walking into.
82
00:02:49,260 --> 00:02:52,298
You don't know what these
people are capable of!
83
00:02:52,330 --> 00:02:54,299
I... I don't know how to
describe it to you, but...
84
00:02:54,333 --> 00:02:55,366
(dramatic music)
85
00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:56,701
But I know someone who does.
86
00:02:56,734 --> 00:02:57,869
Come on.
87
00:02:57,902 --> 00:02:59,437
88
00:02:59,471 --> 00:03:00,639
You've come to the right place.
89
00:03:00,671 --> 00:03:02,608
Yeah, Liz is the, uh,
90
00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:04,442
world's preeminent
authority on our parents.
91
00:03:04,476 --> 00:03:06,245
Nobody's been studying them longer.
92
00:03:06,277 --> 00:03:08,379
I lived among them for 18 years.
93
00:03:08,413 --> 00:03:10,082
Theirs is a crude and primitive world,
94
00:03:10,115 --> 00:03:12,217
but in some ways, it's beautiful.
95
00:03:12,250 --> 00:03:13,384
Sounds fascinating.
96
00:03:13,418 --> 00:03:15,621
But it's also very dangerous.
97
00:03:15,653 --> 00:03:18,090
They have many baffling
rituals and social customs
98
00:03:18,122 --> 00:03:19,724
that must be followed to a T.
99
00:03:19,758 --> 00:03:20,759
Or what?
100
00:03:20,792 --> 00:03:22,294
They'll label you as...
101
00:03:22,326 --> 00:03:24,596
"a handful" or "not right for Joshy."
102
00:03:24,628 --> 00:03:26,597
But we are not gonna let that happen.
103
00:03:26,631 --> 00:03:28,734
- Uh, right, Liz?
- That's right.
104
00:03:28,766 --> 00:03:30,568
Let's start with the clippings ritual.
105
00:03:30,602 --> 00:03:32,337
Now, Lucy, if I were to hand you this,
106
00:03:32,371 --> 00:03:33,671
what would you do with it?
107
00:03:33,705 --> 00:03:36,275
- (muttering)
- It's okay.
108
00:03:40,512 --> 00:03:42,747
- Oh, no.
- 'Cause it's garbage, right?
109
00:03:42,781 --> 00:03:44,583
Yes. To us, it is garbage.
110
00:03:44,615 --> 00:03:47,585
It's a random, useless article
from an old local newspaper.
111
00:03:47,619 --> 00:03:50,288
But in Mom and Tom's world,
that was considered a gift.
112
00:03:50,322 --> 00:03:52,091
(inhales sharply) So I should read it?
113
00:03:52,123 --> 00:03:53,525
'Course not. You must simply recite
114
00:03:53,557 --> 00:03:56,027
the proper ceremonial response.
115
00:03:56,061 --> 00:03:57,496
"I look forward to reading this."
116
00:03:57,528 --> 00:04:00,366
"I look forward to reading this."
117
00:04:00,398 --> 00:04:01,666
Yeah, that's good, good.
118
00:04:01,700 --> 00:04:03,135
- That's good.
- Yeah? Okay.
119
00:04:03,167 --> 00:04:04,268
120
00:04:04,301 --> 00:04:05,503
Taste it.
121
00:04:05,537 --> 00:04:07,506
(music pounds)
122
00:04:07,539 --> 00:04:09,274
(gags)
123
00:04:09,306 --> 00:04:11,109
- (gags)
- It's called "ranch dressing."
124
00:04:11,143 --> 00:04:12,643
- I did not like that.
- No, none of us do.
125
00:04:12,676 --> 00:04:14,212
It's very thick.
126
00:04:14,246 --> 00:04:15,714
You just have to pretend.
127
00:04:15,746 --> 00:04:17,648
Ranch is central to Mom and Tom's diet.
128
00:04:17,681 --> 00:04:19,384
To them, it's like liquid gold.
129
00:04:19,417 --> 00:04:21,453
I once watched them
take down an entire jar
130
00:04:21,486 --> 00:04:23,288
during an episode of Blue Bloods.
131
00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:24,321
Whoa.
132
00:04:24,356 --> 00:04:27,192
Say you're washing your
hands before dinner.
133
00:04:27,224 --> 00:04:29,660
Which towel would you use to dry them?
134
00:04:29,693 --> 00:04:30,962
- (suspenseful music)
- I guess...
135
00:04:30,996 --> 00:04:32,798
Halloween, 'cause it's
the lesser holiday?
136
00:04:32,830 --> 00:04:34,032
- Shit. Shit.
- What?
137
00:04:34,066 --> 00:04:35,200
The answer is neither.
138
00:04:35,232 --> 00:04:37,402
Patti and Tom still follow Towel Law.
139
00:04:37,436 --> 00:04:39,471
This is the outdated
practice of displaying
140
00:04:39,503 --> 00:04:42,174
holiday-themed towels
solely to gaze upon.
141
00:04:42,207 --> 00:04:43,242
So where do you dry your hands?
142
00:04:43,275 --> 00:04:44,710
On your jeans or whatever.
143
00:04:44,743 --> 00:04:45,911
Why don't they just put, like,
144
00:04:45,943 --> 00:04:47,011
another towel in the bathroom?
145
00:04:47,044 --> 00:04:48,013
You're still trying to force
146
00:04:48,046 --> 00:04:49,882
our way of thinking onto their world.
147
00:04:49,914 --> 00:04:51,516
Oh, my God, I hope I remember all this.
148
00:04:51,549 --> 00:04:53,419
You'll know it went well
if she lets you look
149
00:04:53,452 --> 00:04:56,088
at the family photo album;
it's their most sacred object.
150
00:04:56,121 --> 00:04:57,756
Okay, it's 4:00 p.m. We gotta...
we gotta go.
151
00:04:57,789 --> 00:04:59,324
I thought we were going for dinner.
152
00:04:59,357 --> 00:05:00,592
4:00 p.m. is dinner.
153
00:05:00,624 --> 00:05:02,260
(dramatic music pounds) Damn it. Shit.
154
00:05:02,294 --> 00:05:03,495
- Hi!
- Hi.
155
00:05:03,527 --> 00:05:05,097
- Get in here, you kids.
- (chuckling)
156
00:05:05,130 --> 00:05:06,098
Hi, I'm Lucy. Nice to meet you.
157
00:05:06,131 --> 00:05:07,232
Hi.
158
00:05:07,265 --> 00:05:08,500
- Hi, how are you?
- Hi!
159
00:05:08,532 --> 00:05:10,268
- Hi. Lucy... no?
- (gibbering)
160
00:05:10,301 --> 00:05:12,537
Okay, oh, there we go. That's good. Hi.
161
00:05:12,570 --> 00:05:14,106
Oh!
162
00:05:14,138 --> 00:05:16,275
Josh told me you were
a graphic designer.
163
00:05:16,308 --> 00:05:18,744
So I wanted to give you this.
164
00:05:18,777 --> 00:05:21,180
Thank you. That's... thank you.
165
00:05:21,212 --> 00:05:23,614
Uh, "Art Museum Attendance
in Illinois Remains
166
00:05:23,647 --> 00:05:25,616
the Same as Last Year."
167
00:05:25,650 --> 00:05:29,621
(tense exotic music)
168
00:05:29,654 --> 00:05:31,457
I... I look forward to reading this.
169
00:05:31,489 --> 00:05:32,523
(exhales)
170
00:05:32,556 --> 00:05:35,527
(upbeat pop music)
171
00:05:35,559 --> 00:05:38,163
172
00:05:54,845 --> 00:05:56,814
- And Frank's sons...
- Mm-hmm.
173
00:05:56,847 --> 00:05:59,383
- Danny and Jamie...
- Uh, Danny... uh, Jamie Jr.
174
00:05:59,417 --> 00:06:01,085
- Jamie Jr.
- Right.
175
00:06:01,119 --> 00:06:02,621
- He's a big man.
- That's the cousin Jamie.
176
00:06:02,654 --> 00:06:03,789
- Oh, that's the cousin Jamie.
- There's Jamie,
177
00:06:03,821 --> 00:06:05,323
Jamie Jr., and Cousin Jamie.
178
00:06:05,357 --> 00:06:06,390
- Okay.
- And you can tell...
179
00:06:06,424 --> 00:06:07,825
and Jamie Jr. you can tell
180
00:06:07,859 --> 00:06:09,428
'cause he's got red hair like his dad.
181
00:06:09,460 --> 00:06:10,828
- That's right.
- Yeah.
182
00:06:10,861 --> 00:06:12,164
- Okay. All right.
- Yeah.
183
00:06:12,196 --> 00:06:14,632
So they're all NYPD.
184
00:06:14,666 --> 00:06:16,168
- Yeah.
- Well, I, for one,
185
00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:17,768
never mind a refresher
on the family tree
186
00:06:17,801 --> 00:06:19,171
of the show Blue Bloods.
187
00:06:19,203 --> 00:06:20,304
No, that was a great story.
188
00:06:20,337 --> 00:06:22,808
- We had fun telling it!
- Yes.
189
00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:25,109
I think this was the best dinner ever.
190
00:06:25,143 --> 00:06:26,410
- I agree.
- Yeah.
191
00:06:26,443 --> 00:06:29,114
And, as a matter of fact, Lucy,
192
00:06:29,147 --> 00:06:30,816
I rarely do this, but
193
00:06:30,849 --> 00:06:32,618
would you have any interest
194
00:06:32,650 --> 00:06:35,787
in seeing the family photo album?
195
00:06:35,820 --> 00:06:37,156
(tender music)
196
00:06:37,188 --> 00:06:38,357
Yeah.
197
00:06:38,390 --> 00:06:39,591
Yeah, that'd... that'd be great.
198
00:06:39,623 --> 00:06:41,325
199
00:06:41,359 --> 00:06:42,861
- Thank you guys, love ya.
- Buh-bye.
200
00:06:42,893 --> 00:06:44,695
- Thank you, bye-bye.
- We'll see you soon.
201
00:06:44,729 --> 00:06:46,198
- Buh-bye.
- Buh-bye now.
202
00:06:46,231 --> 00:06:47,432
That was really fun.
203
00:06:47,465 --> 00:06:49,801
- Ohh!
- Oh, Jesus...(muttering)
204
00:06:49,833 --> 00:06:51,169
(gentle guitar music)
205
00:06:51,203 --> 00:06:52,203
(both exhale)
206
00:06:52,236 --> 00:06:53,205
We did it. We made it.
207
00:06:53,237 --> 00:06:54,539
- We survived.
- Yeah.
208
00:06:54,573 --> 00:06:56,208
Like, I know my mother
can be a bit much.
209
00:06:56,241 --> 00:06:57,308
- But we came out here.
- Mm-hmm.
210
00:06:57,342 --> 00:06:58,609
They liked you, and now,
211
00:06:58,643 --> 00:07:00,212
we don't have to see her again till
212
00:07:00,244 --> 00:07:01,712
- spring at the earliest.
- (laughs)
213
00:07:01,746 --> 00:07:03,715
Okay. So...
214
00:07:03,748 --> 00:07:05,317
I... I spoke too soon.
215
00:07:05,349 --> 00:07:07,486
Yoo-hoo!
216
00:07:07,518 --> 00:07:09,620
You know, I was just telling Tom
217
00:07:09,654 --> 00:07:11,456
that I had such a good time tonight
218
00:07:11,489 --> 00:07:13,058
that I think
219
00:07:13,090 --> 00:07:14,859
we have to do this again soon.
220
00:07:14,893 --> 00:07:16,727
- Yeah, yeah, definitely.
- Absolutely.
221
00:07:16,760 --> 00:07:18,196
- Yeah, at... at some point.
- Yeah.
222
00:07:18,229 --> 00:07:19,864
How about this Saturday?
223
00:07:19,897 --> 00:07:21,532
You... you mean tomorrow?
224
00:07:21,566 --> 00:07:23,568
Yeah.
225
00:07:23,602 --> 00:07:25,337
Uh, well, uh, you know,
226
00:07:25,369 --> 00:07:27,638
as much as we'd love to, uh,
227
00:07:27,671 --> 00:07:31,743
wake up and drive all the
way back out here tomorrow
228
00:07:31,775 --> 00:07:33,744
and just do everything we did today,
229
00:07:33,777 --> 00:07:36,581
um, we... we actually kind
of had a bit of a day
230
00:07:36,614 --> 00:07:38,583
planned in the city, so...
231
00:07:38,616 --> 00:07:40,184
Well, then I'll come to you.
232
00:07:40,217 --> 00:07:42,253
- You... what?
- Big day in the city?
233
00:07:42,287 --> 00:07:43,888
- Can't wait!
- Oh.
234
00:07:43,921 --> 00:07:45,424
- I'll see you tomorrow.
- All right, see you.
235
00:07:45,457 --> 00:07:46,892
- See you tomorrow.
- See you tomorrow.
236
00:07:46,924 --> 00:07:48,693
- Bye-bye, see ya.
- Bye. That was great.
237
00:07:48,727 --> 00:07:50,695
238
00:07:50,729 --> 00:07:53,332
Bye. Yep. Bye.
239
00:07:53,364 --> 00:07:55,366
240
00:07:58,758 --> 00:08:01,461
(gentle upbeat music)
241
00:08:01,494 --> 00:08:05,232
Oh, Tom, it's been the
most wonderful day.
242
00:08:05,265 --> 00:08:07,433
Well, we hit the aquarium
243
00:08:07,467 --> 00:08:09,269
and then the wax museum,
244
00:08:09,301 --> 00:08:12,272
and then there was a bus
tour of old churches.
245
00:08:12,305 --> 00:08:14,407
She's never gonna leave us alone.
246
00:08:14,441 --> 00:08:16,143
Actually, she might if you just
247
00:08:16,176 --> 00:08:17,845
told her that you need
some space, maybe.
248
00:08:17,878 --> 00:08:19,580
No, I... I'm just trying to, like, avoid
249
00:08:19,613 --> 00:08:21,648
a proper confrontation with her.
250
00:08:21,681 --> 00:08:23,750
Okay, so...
251
00:08:23,783 --> 00:08:25,251
What are you guys thinking?
252
00:08:25,285 --> 00:08:27,755
Should we go out for dinner or
253
00:08:27,787 --> 00:08:30,957
you want to squeeze in
one more bus tour first?
254
00:08:30,990 --> 00:08:32,458
Hmm. Bus tour?
255
00:08:32,492 --> 00:08:34,261
What do you... what...
what's your instinct?
256
00:08:34,293 --> 00:08:36,462
Actually, you know, Mom, Lucy and I
257
00:08:36,495 --> 00:08:39,265
are both, uh, pretty tuckered out
258
00:08:39,298 --> 00:08:40,633
so I think we're just gonna...
259
00:08:40,667 --> 00:08:42,369
- (yawning) We're pretty tired.
- Crash.
260
00:08:42,402 --> 00:08:43,804
It's only 6:00.
261
00:08:43,836 --> 00:08:46,472
Nevertheless, uh, we are
going to sleep now,
262
00:08:46,505 --> 00:08:48,541
so I think you, maybe, just
263
00:08:48,575 --> 00:08:51,512
should probably... (mumbles)
264
00:08:51,545 --> 00:08:53,981
Say no more. I get it.
265
00:08:54,013 --> 00:08:56,483
You guys head off to bed,
266
00:08:56,516 --> 00:08:59,486
and I'll just sit tight.
267
00:08:59,518 --> 00:09:01,388
Don't you worry about me.
268
00:09:01,421 --> 00:09:03,324
I'll be fine.
269
00:09:05,591 --> 00:09:06,826
It's very bright.
270
00:09:06,859 --> 00:09:08,195
I know.
271
00:09:08,228 --> 00:09:09,697
Just squint hard.
272
00:09:09,729 --> 00:09:11,498
We'll be asleep in a matter of hours.
273
00:09:11,531 --> 00:09:13,333
Josh, this isn't good.
274
00:09:13,365 --> 00:09:14,869
She's starting to get obsessed with us.
275
00:09:19,605 --> 00:09:21,207
It'll all be fine.
276
00:09:21,240 --> 00:09:22,575
(laughing)
277
00:09:22,609 --> 00:09:23,844
- Yoo-hoo!
- Jesus.
278
00:09:23,877 --> 00:09:25,846
It's me, your number one fan.
279
00:09:25,878 --> 00:09:27,380
Yep, why... what are you...
why are you here?
280
00:09:27,413 --> 00:09:28,481
What are you doing here?
281
00:09:28,514 --> 00:09:29,883
Can I get a picture?
282
00:09:29,916 --> 00:09:30,883
- Oh, yeah... yeah.
- Yeah.
283
00:09:30,917 --> 00:09:32,351
Is this annoying?
284
00:09:32,384 --> 00:09:33,886
Oh, oh, oh. Okay, yeah, yeah.
285
00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:35,222
Okay, thank you.
286
00:09:35,254 --> 00:09:36,856
Am I freaking you guys out?
287
00:09:36,889 --> 00:09:39,992
Because I'm like, "Oh-ahh,
I love you guys,"
288
00:09:40,026 --> 00:09:42,529
and you're like, "Ooh, she's weird."
289
00:09:42,561 --> 00:09:44,031
- No, no.
- No.
290
00:09:44,064 --> 00:09:47,534
I just... she has somewhere
that we have to be.
291
00:09:47,566 --> 00:09:50,037
Of course. I know how busy you guys are.
292
00:09:50,070 --> 00:09:52,039
(suspenseful music)
What's that over there?
293
00:09:52,071 --> 00:09:53,706
294
00:09:53,739 --> 00:09:54,941
Did you just cut her hair?
295
00:09:54,974 --> 00:09:57,377
I really am your number one fan.
296
00:09:57,410 --> 00:09:58,746
(melodramatic music)
297
00:09:58,778 --> 00:09:59,779
Whoa-ooh...
298
00:09:59,812 --> 00:10:02,915
- Ugh...
- What the hell?
299
00:10:02,949 --> 00:10:04,618
Josh, some of these
letters from your mom
300
00:10:04,651 --> 00:10:06,386
- are really unhinged.
- It's not that bad.
301
00:10:06,418 --> 00:10:08,755
This one keeps referencing
the day we become one.
302
00:10:08,788 --> 00:10:10,556
Well, we just... we won't
reply to that one.
303
00:10:10,590 --> 00:10:12,692
In this one, she drew Christ
upside-down on the cross.
304
00:10:12,725 --> 00:10:14,460
She's just being a mother.
305
00:10:14,494 --> 00:10:16,864
This one's three tickets for
us to see "Jersey Boys."
306
00:10:16,897 --> 00:10:17,931
(exhales)
307
00:10:17,964 --> 00:10:20,934
(intense percussive music)
308
00:10:20,966 --> 00:10:22,970
309
00:10:25,437 --> 00:10:26,739
(dogs barking in the distance)
310
00:10:26,772 --> 00:10:28,908
Josh? You need to see this.
311
00:10:28,941 --> 00:10:31,077
Shots rang out today on Capitol Hill
312
00:10:31,110 --> 00:10:33,412
in a failed assassination attempt
313
00:10:33,445 --> 00:10:34,815
on the president.
314
00:10:34,848 --> 00:10:36,583
The assailant has been identified
315
00:10:36,615 --> 00:10:38,551
as Patricia Greenberg,
316
00:10:38,585 --> 00:10:40,753
a crazed stalker of Josh and Lucy.
317
00:10:40,787 --> 00:10:42,589
BOTH: Oh, my God.
318
00:10:42,622 --> 00:10:44,625
Apparently, this delusional
psychopath thought
319
00:10:44,657 --> 00:10:46,960
her act of violence would
somehow get their attention.
320
00:10:46,993 --> 00:10:48,796
Let me go!
321
00:10:48,829 --> 00:10:50,497
Police say she was carrying
a copy of the book
322
00:10:50,529 --> 00:10:51,998
Catcher in the Rye, as well as
323
00:10:52,032 --> 00:10:54,501
a rather dog-eared copy of Still Alice.
324
00:10:54,533 --> 00:10:55,835
Get in the car!
325
00:10:55,869 --> 00:10:57,838
I did this for you, Josh and Lucy!
326
00:10:57,870 --> 00:11:00,606
Did you get my recipe?
327
00:11:00,639 --> 00:11:03,609
It's baked Parmesan-crusted chicken.
328
00:11:03,643 --> 00:11:06,312
(Patti shouting indistinctly)
329
00:11:06,345 --> 00:11:07,513
Soda crackers!
330
00:11:07,546 --> 00:11:08,816
All right, enough is enough.
331
00:11:08,849 --> 00:11:10,316
You have to be more direct with her.
332
00:11:10,349 --> 00:11:11,652
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
333
00:11:11,685 --> 00:11:12,820
You're right. You're right.
334
00:11:12,853 --> 00:11:13,921
Parmesan chicken!
335
00:11:13,954 --> 00:11:16,290
But, I will say, it looks like
336
00:11:16,322 --> 00:11:19,025
the problem's kind of
resolved itself, so...
337
00:11:20,493 --> 00:11:22,628
(snoring)
338
00:11:22,662 --> 00:11:24,297
- (bang!)
- Oh, my God!
339
00:11:24,330 --> 00:11:25,965
Yoo-hoo! (laughs)
340
00:11:25,998 --> 00:11:27,935
- Jesus Christ!
- I escaped!
341
00:11:27,968 --> 00:11:29,369
- (sirens wailing)
- (dogs barking)
342
00:11:29,402 --> 00:11:31,604
Now we can hang out again!
343
00:11:31,638 --> 00:11:34,307
Mom, it's too much. It's...
it's too much!
344
00:11:34,340 --> 00:11:35,975
What's wrong?
345
00:11:36,008 --> 00:11:37,643
I don't want to hang out.
346
00:11:37,676 --> 00:11:39,779
Mom, can't you take a
hint, for God's sakes?
347
00:11:39,812 --> 00:11:41,948
Oh, I thought we were having fun.
348
00:11:41,981 --> 00:11:43,983
I was not having fun. I was
pretending to have fun.
349
00:11:44,017 --> 00:11:45,986
You just... you follow us
around everywhere like
350
00:11:46,018 --> 00:11:47,354
some kind of freak, it's...
351
00:11:47,387 --> 00:11:48,555
(tender piano music)
352
00:11:48,588 --> 00:11:50,022
Enough.
353
00:11:50,056 --> 00:11:51,458
Oh, I see.
354
00:11:51,490 --> 00:11:53,393
Well...
355
00:11:53,426 --> 00:11:55,528
I didn't know you felt that way...
356
00:11:55,561 --> 00:11:56,662
about me.
357
00:11:56,695 --> 00:11:58,665
358
00:11:58,697 --> 00:12:01,334
I'll go home now.
359
00:12:01,368 --> 00:12:03,970
I'll just leave you two alone.
360
00:12:04,003 --> 00:12:06,806
(shackles clanking)
361
00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:09,844
- (sirens wailing)
- (dogs barking)
362
00:12:12,129 --> 00:12:13,297
- (exhales)
- Okay, you can do this.
363
00:12:13,329 --> 00:12:14,965
- Okay, it's gonna be okay.
- Yeah.
364
00:12:17,371 --> 00:12:20,040
Yeah, you're probably right,
I mean, it's not like...
365
00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:22,176
it's not even like I
was that hard on her.
366
00:12:22,210 --> 00:12:24,012
Right? I...
367
00:12:24,044 --> 00:12:25,346
Huh. Yeah.
368
00:12:25,379 --> 00:12:28,115
They're probably just around back.
369
00:12:28,148 --> 00:12:31,186
(slow bluegrass music)
370
00:12:31,219 --> 00:12:32,520
371
00:12:32,552 --> 00:12:35,123
Hey, Tom.
372
00:12:35,155 --> 00:12:37,191
Lucy. Josh.
373
00:12:37,225 --> 00:12:38,726
How's... how's Mom doing?
374
00:12:38,759 --> 00:12:42,297
Afraid your mom ain't
doing so hot, Josh.
375
00:12:42,330 --> 00:12:44,299
Words you said hurt her pert' bad.
376
00:12:44,331 --> 00:12:45,866
(sighs)
377
00:12:45,899 --> 00:12:47,334
How... how bad is it?
378
00:12:47,368 --> 00:12:51,039
Old Momma's heart is broken.
379
00:12:51,072 --> 00:12:54,042
She ain't no good to you no more.
380
00:12:54,075 --> 00:12:56,144
Hell, she ain't no good to herself.
381
00:12:56,177 --> 00:12:58,379
Only one thing left to do now.
382
00:12:58,413 --> 00:12:59,748
(shotgun cocks)
383
00:12:59,780 --> 00:13:01,882
Whoa! Tom, uh... uh... wh...
384
00:13:01,916 --> 00:13:03,051
where's Mom?
385
00:13:03,083 --> 00:13:04,385
She's out in yonder shed.
386
00:13:04,418 --> 00:13:07,020
387
00:13:07,053 --> 00:13:08,756
Is she frothing at the mouth?
388
00:13:08,789 --> 00:13:10,391
She's got her night cream on.
389
00:13:10,424 --> 00:13:12,394
It's a special foamy
kind she likes to get
390
00:13:12,427 --> 00:13:15,330
from the high-end section of Target or,
391
00:13:15,363 --> 00:13:17,265
as we like to call it, Targ?t.
392
00:13:17,298 --> 00:13:19,400
Figure I'd...
393
00:13:19,433 --> 00:13:22,903
let her watch one more episode
of Blue Bloods, and then...
394
00:13:22,937 --> 00:13:24,739
take her out to the Yankee Candle,
395
00:13:24,772 --> 00:13:26,074
let her get to browsin', and then
396
00:13:26,106 --> 00:13:27,374
shoot her in the back of the head.
397
00:13:27,408 --> 00:13:29,377
Oh. No, no, don't shoot her.
398
00:13:29,409 --> 00:13:31,044
What... uh, there's gotta...
there's gotta...
399
00:13:31,077 --> 00:13:32,279
there's gotta be something I can do.
400
00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:33,514
No, no.
401
00:13:33,548 --> 00:13:35,082
She's my wife.
402
00:13:35,115 --> 00:13:36,183
I'll kill her.
403
00:13:36,216 --> 00:13:37,384
No! Okay, look,
404
00:13:37,418 --> 00:13:39,854
this... this whole thing is my fault.
405
00:13:39,887 --> 00:13:41,456
I... I clearly just should have been
406
00:13:41,489 --> 00:13:43,391
more direct with her to start with.
407
00:13:43,423 --> 00:13:46,293
I... I should just go talk to her,
408
00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:47,796
right?
409
00:13:47,828 --> 00:13:49,062
Uh... okay.
410
00:13:49,096 --> 00:13:51,966
(sighs and sputters)
411
00:13:51,999 --> 00:13:54,402
- (dramatic music on TV)
- Hey, Pop.
412
00:13:54,434 --> 00:13:56,770
I know I've been the only
member of our entire family
413
00:13:56,803 --> 00:13:59,106
that's not employed by the NYPD,
414
00:13:59,139 --> 00:14:00,808
but that's not the case anymore.
415
00:14:00,841 --> 00:14:05,447
416
00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:07,916
Hot dog.
417
00:14:07,948 --> 00:14:09,783
That means our entire family
418
00:14:09,817 --> 00:14:12,052
is affiliated with the NYPD.
419
00:14:12,086 --> 00:14:13,388
Congratulations, son.
420
00:14:13,421 --> 00:14:15,256
(gentle music)
421
00:14:15,288 --> 00:14:17,292
Stay tuned for more Blue Bloods.
422
00:14:20,827 --> 00:14:23,063
How's my favorite mom doing?
423
00:14:23,096 --> 00:14:26,967
(tender music)
424
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:28,802
I... I'm... I'm sorry,
425
00:14:28,836 --> 00:14:30,904
Mom, I never should have
called you a freak.
426
00:14:30,937 --> 00:14:33,307
Well, that's not why I'm upset.
427
00:14:33,341 --> 00:14:35,976
I'm upset because my own son
428
00:14:36,009 --> 00:14:37,412
doesn't want to see me.
429
00:14:37,445 --> 00:14:39,814
Oh, no, no, I do, I do
want to see you, Mom.
430
00:14:39,846 --> 00:14:41,982
I do want to see you.
431
00:14:42,015 --> 00:14:43,951
Just...
432
00:14:43,985 --> 00:14:46,019
not all the time.
433
00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:48,155
Well, how often, then?
434
00:14:48,188 --> 00:14:50,424
Once a week?
435
00:14:50,457 --> 00:14:52,493
More like once a month.
436
00:14:52,527 --> 00:14:56,163
437
00:14:56,197 --> 00:14:59,868
(sniffs) Well, that's not so bad.
438
00:14:59,900 --> 00:15:01,368
Holidays too.
439
00:15:01,402 --> 00:15:04,138
Well, of course holidays too.
You're my mother.
440
00:15:04,171 --> 00:15:05,173
My mother.
441
00:15:05,206 --> 00:15:06,173
(gunshot)
442
00:15:06,206 --> 00:15:07,374
Right, he's... got a gun.
443
00:15:07,408 --> 00:15:08,942
Whoopsie daisy!
444
00:15:08,975 --> 00:15:10,778
- Jesus Christ.
- Oh! (laughs)
445
00:15:10,811 --> 00:15:13,014
The hair trigger on this thing.
446
00:15:13,047 --> 00:15:15,182
My God... hey, Josh, Lucy, you're not
447
00:15:15,216 --> 00:15:17,851
driving by Presbyterian
General on your way?
448
00:15:17,884 --> 00:15:19,854
If you were, I... I'd take a ride
449
00:15:19,887 --> 00:15:21,723
and maybe hop out at the old E.R. there?
450
00:15:21,755 --> 00:15:23,223
I seem to have obliterated my knee.
451
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:25,025
Yeah, we can definitely take you, Tom.
452
00:15:25,058 --> 00:15:26,528
Oh, should I grab some celery sticks
453
00:15:26,561 --> 00:15:28,129
and ranch for the road?
454
00:15:28,162 --> 00:15:30,031
Yeah, okay, that's, um, uh,
455
00:15:30,063 --> 00:15:32,499
yeah, fine, well, um... (stammering)
456
00:15:32,533 --> 00:15:34,335
Uh, no. No.
457
00:15:34,368 --> 00:15:35,802
Actually, no, thank you.
458
00:15:35,836 --> 00:15:37,471
Uh... Mom.
459
00:15:37,504 --> 00:15:40,207
I... I don't actually like
ranch dressing very much.
460
00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:41,475
- (gentle guitar music)
- Huh.
461
00:15:41,509 --> 00:15:43,177
Well, that's fine.
462
00:15:43,210 --> 00:15:44,846
- More for us.
- Yeah.
463
00:15:44,879 --> 00:15:46,180
So, uh, we'll see you at our place,
464
00:15:46,212 --> 00:15:47,814
uh, next month?
465
00:15:47,847 --> 00:15:49,049
I can't wait.
466
00:15:49,082 --> 00:15:50,751
467
00:15:50,784 --> 00:15:51,752
- (gunshot)
- Oh, whoops!
468
00:15:51,786 --> 00:15:54,055
- Jesus!
- Oh, wow.
469
00:15:54,087 --> 00:15:56,490
I did it again, right in the same spot.
470
00:15:56,523 --> 00:15:57,825
Tom.
471
00:15:57,857 --> 00:15:59,760
Yeah, I should not have reloaded.
472
00:15:59,793 --> 00:16:01,395
- No!
- No.
473
00:16:01,428 --> 00:16:02,396
- See you soon, Patti.
- Okay, bye.
474
00:16:02,429 --> 00:16:03,730
Yeah, see you soon.
475
00:16:03,764 --> 00:16:05,099
- Bye-bye now.
- Take care.
476
00:16:05,131 --> 00:16:06,733
It's just one big flesh tube now, huh?
477
00:16:06,767 --> 00:16:10,038
Yep, okay, all right,
buddy boy, here we go.
478
00:16:11,083 --> 00:16:12,351
(dramatic music)
479
00:16:12,385 --> 00:16:14,020
You've come to the right place.
480
00:16:14,053 --> 00:16:16,784
Josh and Lucy's apartment is
a crude and primitive world,
481
00:16:16,809 --> 00:16:18,973
but in some ways, beautiful.
482
00:16:19,075 --> 00:16:20,778
Now, what would you say
if someone showed you
483
00:16:20,811 --> 00:16:24,615
these curtains and said they
got them for only $200?
484
00:16:24,649 --> 00:16:27,050
Well, I'd laugh and I'd
say I could have got
485
00:16:27,075 --> 00:16:29,601
- them for free from my basement.
- (chuckling)
486
00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:32,210
The proper ceremonial response is,
487
00:16:32,364 --> 00:16:34,233
"Wow, cool curtains.
488
00:16:34,267 --> 00:16:35,801
Are they from Etsy?"
489
00:16:35,833 --> 00:16:37,468
Cool curtains. Are they from Etsy?
490
00:16:37,501 --> 00:16:38,703
Let's move on.
491
00:16:38,737 --> 00:16:41,640
Now, Tom, what would you do if
I put this in front of you?
492
00:16:41,672 --> 00:16:43,508
(dramatic music pounds)
493
00:16:43,542 --> 00:16:44,843
I'd eat it.
494
00:16:44,875 --> 00:16:46,744
- Wrong.
- Shit. Shit.
495
00:16:46,777 --> 00:16:49,414
The correct answer is that
you photograph the food
496
00:16:49,448 --> 00:16:50,748
and then if there's time, you eat it,
497
00:16:50,782 --> 00:16:52,251
but that is by far secondary.
498
00:16:52,284 --> 00:16:54,320
We have to go. It's 9:00 p.m.
499
00:16:54,352 --> 00:16:56,689
But I thought you said
we were having dinner.
500
00:16:56,721 --> 00:16:59,525
9:00 p.m. is dinner. Shit!
501
00:16:59,557 --> 00:17:01,359
(dramatic musical flourish)
502
00:17:01,392 --> 00:17:03,228
- Get in here, you two.
- Hi!
503
00:17:03,262 --> 00:17:05,431
- Hello. Good to see you.
- Hey, Tom.
504
00:17:05,464 --> 00:17:08,100
- Patti, hi, how are you?
- Oh, Lucy, hello.
505
00:17:08,132 --> 00:17:10,602
Nice to see you. I hope
you guys like tofu curry.
506
00:17:10,635 --> 00:17:12,437
I look forward to taking a picture of it
507
00:17:12,470 --> 00:17:14,205
before I eat it.
508
00:17:14,238 --> 00:17:15,240
- Oh.
- Mm.
509
00:17:15,274 --> 00:17:17,176
Ooh, nice curtains.
510
00:17:17,208 --> 00:17:18,343
Are they from Etsy?
511
00:17:18,377 --> 00:17:19,578
You know what? They are!
512
00:17:19,611 --> 00:17:21,080
How did you know? Come
on in, come on in.
513
00:17:21,112 --> 00:17:22,780
So glad you could make it.
514
00:17:22,814 --> 00:17:23,881
(Walter Martin's "We're
All Young Together")
515
00:17:23,915 --> 00:17:25,684
- sync and corrections by Mr.C -
- www.addic7ed.com -
516
00:17:25,734 --> 00:17:30,284
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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