Original subtitles

Hey, I'm Josh. And this is, uh... Carla?

- Kayla. - Right.

- This is Kayla. - Hi.

Hey, man, this is, uh, my friend Kayla.

- Hey. - Hey.

And this is my plus one, Kayla.

Hey.

- This is my date, Kayla. - Hi.

(whispers): This is Kayla.

Oh. Hi. Uh, Mom,

this is the woman I came with, um, Kayla.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

Uh, this is my girlfriend Kayla.

So, "girlfriend," huh?

Well, uh, sorry?

Well, I just, I noticed back there

you introduced me as your girlfriend.

(laughs): Oh.

Yeah, so I did.

Uh... is that okay?

- Yeah. I like it. - Really?

I like it, too.

I-I just, I...

I don't know, I feel like...

there's kind of something here, and...

maybe we should, like,

- go for it. - Well, are you sure

you're not gonna miss...

(deep voice): the single life? (laughs)

No. No, no. No, not at all. No.

(laughs) Um...

so I don't know, I guess we're, like,

official now, huh?

Yeah, yeah. From-from this day forward,

we are officially, uh,

boyfriend and girlfriend.

- Yeah. (laughs) - (laughs): Yeah! Yeah.

Okay, coming in, coming in hot.

(chuckles)

Mmm...

Yeah. That's, uh...

What...

Uh, Kayla?

Kayla?

Uh... oh, my God,

she's having a stroke. Hey, Kayla?

(squishing)

Ew.

Oh, man. Oh, man. Kayla?

Kayla! Kayla...!

(eerie, rhythmic whooshing)

Who are you guys?

We are sex aliens from the planet Sex.

We have come to have sex with you.

Prepare yourself for sex.

Man Seeking Woman - 01x06 Gavel

sync and correction by solfieri www.addic7ed.com

Hey, whoa, whoa. Stop, stop, stop.

Just-just stop.

- What's wrong? - What's wrong?

Well, I kind of just started seeing someone.

Who? Her?

JOSH: Y-Yes, her.

Listen, if you guys

had shown up literally...

yesterday...

okay, yesterday...

I'd be all over this.

But I-I am... I am...

Whoa, mama...

I am not the kind

- of guy that cheats. - Please,

- come have sex with us. - No. No.

Condom-less sex.

- Oh, my God. No... - Please?

No, I can't. Girls, I can't. Back off.

(aliens hissing) JOSH: Yeah, yeah. Okay.

I'm sorry, okay? I care... I care about this.

Okay? We can't help it.

We find you irresistible.

You... I can't believe you guys think I'm handsome.

We don't. We are blind.

Ah. Our noses, though,

are extremely well developed.

We've evolved to smell confidence.

And there's no one more confident

than a man in a committed relationship.

He gives off a powerful musk.

Oh...

Please have sex with us.

Please. It can be quick.

Quick is actually what we prefer.

- Really? - On our planet,

premature ejaculation is the sexual ideal.

Holy...

Okay, ah, buh-buh-buh!

Back off! Back! (hissing)

(aliens speaking alien language)

(sputters)

Okay, we respect your decision not to cheat on Kayla.

So how about this?

Let's smoke this space joint.

Watch a movie. And just kind of hang out.

JOSH: Wait, uh...

which movie?

Showgirls.

Unrated version.

Aha...! Okay,

okay, I see what you're do... yeah, listen,

I'm not a piece of meat.

I'm a man... with feelings and...

and a girlfriend, so, tell you what, I think you should all

just take your, uh... (sniffs) oh, that's amazing...

You guys need to take your-your space bras

and get back up to space.

Okay? Okay, fine,

we'll leave.

But we'll rub one out to you later.

(inhaling)

Holy shit.

(electronic whirring)

(whispers): Oh, God.

Mmm.

- I'm so happy. - Yes.

Me, too.

- Mmm... - Me, too.

Mmm...

So, okay, these girls are all up in your nuts... and then what?

Well, then I look them in the eyes and I said...

thank you very much... I said, "Listen,

"I appreciate it, it's very, very flattering,

but I-I-I-I-I... I can't cheat on my girlfriend."

(laughing)

- Oh, you're being serious. - Yes.

Wh-Wh-What has happened to you?

What is happening is that for the first time since Maggie,

I found a girl that I actually like hanging out with.

(phone chimes) Oh.

- Oh, I-I got to go. - What? I thought

we were gonna get high and look at bugs.

No, I kind of have a bit of a plan to surprise Kayla at work.

You bought her chocolates.

- Salt-encrusted. - Josh, if you're not careful,

you're gonna end up married to this girl.

- We-we just started going out. - Does she keep

any stuff at your apartment?

Uh, no. Uh... Don't you lie to me.

- Don't lie to me! - Okay, work-work clothes

and... almond milk.

Oh. Oh, my God.

Listen, everything's golden.

Okay?

I know what I'm doing.

- My plant's broke. - Aw, he'll be okay.

He just needs a little more water and some sunshine.

- Okay. Bye. - Bye.

- Are you ready for some chocolate?

- (laughs)

- How's it going? - Josh! What are you doing here?

Oh, you know, I just thought, uh, you could maybe use a, uh,

a little mid-afternoon pick-me-up.

Oh, my God, you are so sweet.

Oh, I do what I can. Also, would you like

to have dinner with me tonight?

- I'd love that. - I was thinking

we could do quinoa and maybe whatever else

Mm-hmm. goes with quinoa and... mm-hmm... mm!

(sighs)

Uh...

Where-where-where are they taking us?

Hell if I know.

MIKE: Listen up, punks!

You're all here for the same reason!

You're not married! Yet!

But if you continue down the road that you're on,

you continue to make the kinds of choices you've been making,

you're gonna end up...

(loud, distorted): in the suburbs.

MIKE: Take a good look, ladies.

This is where you're headed!

See any sports bars or clubs or sexy single ladies?

JOSH: Ew... (woman laughing)

Hey, Mike?

I-I don't have time for this.

I got to go home and cook dinner for Kayla, so...

Don't you get it? I'm doing this for you.

MAN: Ooh! What the hell is that guy carrying?

MIKE: It's a Diaper Genie.

It's full of human shit.

(others groaning) MAN: Oh, God!

Oh, my... oh...

Welcome to hell, boys!

Let's go. Now. Out.

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

This looks like a nice street.

Got three-car garages and speed bumps...

Oh, hey, look at that guy grilling hamburgers!

Do those look like burgers to you?

JOSH: What the hell is on that grill?

MIKE: Portobello mushrooms.

Yeah, Portobello mushrooms

would be pretty good with quinoa.

MIKE: Okay!

It's time to introduce you to a special speaker.

His name is Daniel Schultz

and he's been married for 11 years.

I suggest you listen carefully to what he has to say.

I brought you some fresh meat.

(sighs): Hi, guys. My name is Daniel.

I'm 39 years old, and I'm serving a life sentence

to my wife, without the possibility of parole.

(quiet, melancholy music plays)

You know, when I met Amy, she was fun!

She... chugged beer faster than me.

(wry chuckle): She loved cocaine.

Do it whenever it was around.

A month ago,

she caught me smoking a cigarette right there

on the porch, and she started to cry.

She made me promise

to start taking my health more seriously.

Yeah. So I started doing Pilates.

I do this thing, and then I do this thing!

I got my Lululemons pulled up to here!

With my useless penis

sittin' in the middle, looking like a little b...

How are you?

How's it going?

Did you call Deb about that thing?

Next on my list.

Next thing on my list.

'Kay.

Yeah.

(phone chimes)

What the hell is that?

- Sounded like a text. - Oh, yeah,

- you got a text? - Yeah.

Let's see what it says.

"Five...

"five little kisses

- for your cute little baby face." - Five kisses?

Oh, 'cause we got eight... eight guys here. I don't know

if that's enough kisses for everyone.

Who's gonna suck my dick?

- U-Understood. - MIKE: He's the one I was telling you about.

He's only 27, and already in a serious relationship.

No, we just kind of started seeing each other, so...

Oh, first you're just going out,

then all of a sudden she's got almond milk

and work clothes at your place.

Next thing you know, (shouts): ding-dong,

ding-dong, you're married, you're pregnant,

gravestone.

(dramatic music plays)

Listen, I mean, you're a great girl.

I just, I don't think it's working out.

It's not you... I mean, everything's so crazy

- with my band right now... - Uh-huh. Yeah.

I-I mean, maybe we can try, like, an open relationship.

Uh... Becca?

You there?

JOSH: Uh, hi, Kayla. So, I've been doing

a lot of thinking about, uh, us,

and I just needed to say that...

I like you a lot...

and also, what do you think about Portobello mushrooms

for dinner? They do go with quinoa!

Exactly what I was thinking. So eight-ish?

(hoarsely): We lost him.

(gasps) Quinoa.

Quinoa.

(thunder crashes in distance)

(sizzling)

(knocking on door)

M... M-Maggie.

Hey.

I'm sorry for barging in like this.

I just, um...

I really need a friend right now.

- Can I come in? - Well, yeah. Of course. Yeah. C-Come on in.

- Thanks. (crying) - Whoa. Whoa.

(Maggie crying)

(thunder crashes, rumbles)

Hi. Hi, uh, Kayla. I think... I think...

I think I need to postpone. Um, I'm feeling kind of tired,

all of a sudden, like I...

like I might be coming down with something.

You don't have to cook, if it's a hassle.

We could just do takeout. Y...

W-Would it be okay if we just try tomorrow?

Yeah. Get some rest, and I'll see you tomorrow.

Okay. Thank you so much. That's-that's lovely.

I'll see you... I'll see you then.

(toilet flushes)

and I told him, "If you don't appreciate me,

I don't think I can do this anymore."

Wh-Which... I mean, I think you did the right thing. Yeah.

- Yeah? - It's none of my business,

but you don't deserve to be treated like that.

I don't.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry

for unloading on you like this. I just...

You know, nobody knows me like you do, so...

(thunder rumbling)

(sizzling) Are you cooking something?

- Oh, crap. Yes, I am, too. - Really?

That would be... You're smelling portobello mushrooms,

uh, and quinoa.

Really! Well, I'm full of surprises. Would you...

would you like some?

Um... can I?

- Yeah. Yeah. Is... - Yeah?

No, there's enough, uh... there's enough for two people.

(chuckling): Yes.

(gavel banging) Okay, just...

- uh, will you just give me a few moments? - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

I need to...

(sighs)

(thunder rumbling)

They're ready for you inside, Mr. Greenberg.

Okay.

Mr. Greenberg, you stand accused of boyfriend misconduct.

- How do you plead? - Not-not guilty,

Your Honor. (gasping)

The fact is, all right,

I postponed dinner with Kayla.

But, uh, where's the crime in that?

Does a boyfriend not have the right to...

- rearrange a date? - Son, that's not

what's at issue here. You are here today

because you lied to her.

Up, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup!

Webster's Dictionary,

which I'm sure you're familiar with...

I'm sure all these good people, familiar with it...

defines a lie thusly, as a falsehood, an untruth.

All I did was kind of alter plans.

- No lies were uttered. - Thank you for the vocabulary lesson, Mr. Greenberg.

What about when you said... and I quote...

"I am feeling kind of tired."

- I was feeling kind of tired. - Maybe.

But that's not why you canceled dinner.

You canceled because your ex-girlfriend showed up...

Well, now, listen, Your Honor,

we-we can split hairs all day,

jibber-jabber back and forth

until we're as mixed up as a...

as a one-legged man at a hoedown!

(laughter)

- Why is that funny? - But the fact is

I have committed no offense,

and I defy this court to prove otherwise.

Aw, screw it. All right, the court finds in Josh's favor.

I knew it! Thank you...

Do not give him high fives. Do not!

Indicate high fives. Multiple.

And then that guy was all like, Mm-hmm.

"Uh, reservation? What reservation?"

(laughs) So creepy. Yeah... yeah. So scary.

- Remember how gross that pool was? - Oh, my God.

Somehow didn't dissuade the-the two of us dumb-asses

- from swimming in it. - (laughs)

Not just swimming in it.

(gavel banging) I'll... be right back.

I mean, how many times are we gonna do this? Your Honor...

- I am completely innocent. - Oh, please. She referenced sex

- and then she touched you on the hand. - Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't... (stammers)

Are friends not allowed to touch each other's hands?

I didn't realize that.

Of course they are. Wh-What's next?

No more high fives? A ban on fist bumps, perhaps, eh?

(laughter) All right. What about the wine?

- Explain that. - Aha!

Webster's Dictionary

defines wine as "the fermented juice of grapes used especially

- as a bev..." I'm sorry. - I didn't mean explain wine.

We know what wine is. (groans)

There's a precedent for grown-ups sharing a bottle

- of wine at dinner. - Oh, really?

- Mm-hmm. - But when's the last time

that you and Mike shared a bottle of wine?

Shared a bottle of wine and touched each other's hands?

Listen, we-we can... we can jibber-jabber all day,

back and forth Jibber-jabber a second time.

Until we're as... mixed up as a-a...

three-legged horse at a rodeo.

(woman chuckles, man coughs)

One lady.

Thank you, ma'am.

Uh, but the-the fact remains,

I have done nothing wrong.

(sighs) Goddamn it.

All right, my hands are tied.

Due to a lack of hard evidence,

this court is forced to rule in Josh's favor.

No one high-five him.

- Thank you. She did. - JUDGE: Oh...

(annoyed): Susan...

(yawning)

- Hey. - Oh.

I am so tired.

Yeah.

Oh. Yeah, I guess... I guess it's late.

It is late.

I should probably go.

Or-or-or...

or... we-we, uh...

could watch something.

Like what?

We never finished Carniv?le.

(gavel banging)

I know, I know.

People watch shows together all the time, man.

But come on, man... I mean, she was about to leave.

She was out the door, and you suggested something that would keep her there.

That's, for me, when it became a date.

A-a date? Specifically a date?

- Yes. - Because...

the dictionary might disagree.

(Groaning) Oh, God, the dictionary...!

Oh, fuck you off.

Webster's defines a date as a romantic outing, okay?

- So did we go... did we go out? - No. No. No.

Did we kiss? Maybe not. But, come on, you're on the couch,

- you're watching Carniv?le. - Listen,

- I am not the kind of guy who cheats. - Well...

The point is we can jibber-jabber back and forth...

Okay? Until we're Jibber-jabber a third time.

As mixed up as a-a...

Here it comes... two-horned!

- As a two-horned, uh... - Asian.

- Asian, um... - Careful.

- You son of a bitch. Okay. - Trapped.

All right. I used to be a prosecutor.

The point is what I'm trying to say is

technically... I haven't done anything wrong.

- Well, technically, no, you haven't. - Aha!

Technically, no, I haven't.

You said technically I haven't done anything wrong.

That means... that means I win.

Remember this day.

The day that blind Lady Justice

took her own life.

It is with great shame

and utter disgust...

that this court is forced to rule in Josh's favor.

Thanks, man.

"Thanks, man"?

Don't type that. What are...

Goddamn it.

MAN: The moment you put on that red nose and threw in your lot

with the strongman and the dog boy...

Yeah. It's a pretty good... pretty good episode

of Carniv?le.

MAN: You cannot stop the cyclone's swirl

or the dog boy's dog boy dance.

- The great orb spins despite. - Um...

the will of man, and now the dust has settled on the choices

thou hath wrought.

For this is no carnival, my friend.

This is Carniv?le! (gavel banging)

(gavel continues banging)

We're ready.

Josh?

Think he went to the bedroom with her?

Oh... Told you!

(phone buzzing)

(quietly): Hi. Hi.

- Hi. How are you feeling? - Uh, uh, uh, better.

Good. Good. And so do you want to do dinner tonight?

Uh... Listen, you're a terrific girl

and I really, uh, enjoy your company and I'm really sorry

about this, but I don't think we can keep hanging out.

So we should probably not have dinner.

- This is abrupt. - Yeah. Yep.

I know. I'm sorry.

- Okay, bye. - Okay, bye-bye.

(sighs heavily)

Frittatas.

(sizzling)

Hey...

Hey.

- I'm so hungover. - Oh, okay.

Well, tell you what, your best, uh, remedy

- is my delicious frittatas. - Mm-mm. Josh...

last night was a mistake.

Um...

- (stammers) Okay. - Let's just pretend

- like it never happened, okay? - Okay, so...

Um, yeah.

We-we finished Carniv?le last night.

Hmm?

We finally finished the last two episodes of Carniv?le.

I don't remember.

Oh. What...

what are you... What is that?

Uh, no, I was trying to shake your hand.

Okay.

- Bye. - Okay.

Uh, wuh, uh...

(door opens)

(door shuts)

(sighs)

(knocking on door)

I just came to get my things.

- I saw Maggie on the stairs. - Uh...

I-I'm so sorry. I...

It was an accident. I was drunk. She-she...

she-she took advan... look, I'm-I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. (groans)

You suck.

I-I know.

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