Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

Brian!

I've done it!

Oh, my God!

You almost look normal!

I know, right? I reverse Pretty Womaned myself, just like you said.

Big day, then.

Excited?

It's bittersweet.

They wouldn't hire Mickey. Big mistake.

Huge.

So what's he doing?

I don't know.

Had to let him go.

Let him go?

Drive. What, love?

Just drive!

Poor Mickey. Lonely warrior.

You're smart.

Got another date?

No. Modern dating's too feral for me. I've got an appointment

at the County Court.

About the girls? Time to make it legal.

They have to come and see me whether they want to or not.

I can't keep going to Scotland.

You don't like it up there?

Don't get me wrong. The Scots are a noble people.

I just find them a little...

raw.

FOOTSTEPS All right?

Ta-da.

You got it?! Yeah. One new flat to live in on my own.

I can't wait to piss myself on my birthday.

Yay!

I'm sure Emma'll get in touch again soon.

You'll see the boy again in no time.

Yeah! You've done nothing wrong.

No. I mean, because of me he did suckle on another woman's teat,

and ride across the park on the back of a dog,

and at his christening I got an exhausting boner.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, God, life is long.

Sorry about the gloves. I've got the shits.

Are you sure you're ready to live on your own, Daniel?

I'm 48, you rubber-faced dwarf! Look, it's only down the road.

So you'll be able to pop in for breakfast each day.

No, Mum. I'm not having breakfast at 5am any more.

I'm not a cockerel.

I so wanted you to move in with Emma and Simon.

You need looking after.

His name is Richard.

We called him Richard. Do you remember your own husband?

Yes. Lovely.

Much better.

Oh, come on, Polly! Pull yourself together!

All birds have to fly the nest

and your young one is overdue. He's a nippy-eyed puffin.

Barely the energy to stand on a cliff.

But still he has to spread his wings. Yes, all right!

So come on, hug the boy and let's go off to the county fair.

Are you sure you won't come with us?

They've got caber cutting, a hog roast,

splat the rat, and-and Tammy Flees and Rocky

are doing a monster truck display.

You love monster trucks!

No, you go. I'm going to move my stuff.

He won't survive!

He's the runt of the litter

and I only had him!

Enjoying this, you goon?

You love monster trucks, Daniel!

PHONE RINGS

Strath Carter and Clyne, good afternoon.

Just putting you through.

OK. That was great, except it's morning, not afternoon. Cool.

So, what else do we do?

Else?

Yeah. What else?

What...else?

PHONE RINGS

Oh, hello!

It's Brian, isn't it?

Yes. Yes, it is.

Um...

Patty. Your health visitor.

You had...two little girls?

Patty, of course!

Well remembered! You're the only daddy I ever met

to chart his children's bowel movements on a graph.

The frequency polygon, yes! I've still got it.

Sadly, not the children.

Ah. Hence my presence here.

Ah.

Same sort of thing for you, or...?

Oh, no! Just a witness.

So you're a sole custody application?

These things are never pleasant, but sometimes necessary, I'm afraid.

Not all daddies can be trusted.

Right. Sure.

Would you excuse me a minute?

Shit!

Problems?

Ooh, Carol, you made me jump! Two flats!

Can you believe it? Oh, dear! However will you move your things?

My father's here to pick me up. He could give you a lift.

No, it's fine, thanks.

It's no bother and I'd really like to see your new place.

PHONE RINGS Sorry.

Yeah?

Listen, it's Brian.

Emma's applying for sole custody.

What? Yes!

You should have got a letter about it.

Surely? No, I did not get a letter.

Well, you need to come down here fast. Yeah, all right.

Yeah, I think I can get there, yeah.

What is it, Dan?

It's Emma. I've got to talk to her. I need to get to the court.

Oh, I'll ask my father. He'll take you. Actually, do you think he'd mind? No!

This is really good of you.

Thanks so much.

Do you think we'll make it?

Father's happy to help.

I can't believe she's doing it to you.

Stopping you from seeing your own child!

She must be rotten to the core, rotten insides!

I know I've got my faults, but court? Making it legal?!

It's not right.

You're so kind.

PHONE RINGS

HE TUTS

Oh, kept moving day quiet, didn't you, dickhead!

Yet again, I'm giving up a free lesson to cover for you.

Well, I'll tell you this -

I'm eating your fucking Twix.

I always think you've got to look after your man, always put his needs first.

He can't be expected to do every little thing.

He's a man! He just needs space to be big and strong.

I'm sorry - is this the way? I...

No, I... I think that was the turning for the court.

Hello?

Sorry, can you hear me, sir?

Sir! Sir! You're so sweet! You don't have to call him sir!

No! Most people call me...

Daddy!

MANIC LAUGHTER

Arrrgh!

Mm!

Oh, my God!

Oh! Um...

Where are you taking me, you twisted pig?

Just far enough away for thee to miss a court hearing, lad.

Shit! Why?!

I want you to see my home.

See what I've been reduced to since they interfered with my life.

Forced to live in squalor with a cretinous child

rather than living in comfort with thy gullible mother.

Oh, serendipity!

Justice! HOOTS HORN

You're welcome to walk home when we get there, lad.

Should only take a couple of hours.

But, Father, you said I could have him. You said he'd be mine!

What?! You've to live with me and Father.

I'll treat you so nice. I'll hold you so tight!

What?!

PHONE RINGS

Brian! It's me, you've got to help me, it's all gone wrong!

Arrrgh! Hey!

Shut it, Carol!

No! Help!

Hello? Dan?

PHONE RINGS

Strath, Carter and Clyne. Good...morning?

Jo, listen, it's me. Something strange is happening.

OK. Now we take his name.

Can I take your name, please, Brian?

Jo, Dan's in trouble. I think it's got something to do with Carol.

Ah, I'm glad this came up.

What we do when we get a personal call is we end it immediately. Jo?

I won't be a minute. We end it immediately. Jo!

Yeah, but... We end it if we want to keep our job.

Jo? You've got to get to the retirement village.

Jo, we've got to find Dan. We need to find out where she's taken him.

Jo! Jo! Jo!

No way, baby.

I'm a peacock, not a sparrow.

I'm a blue sky thinker, I can't be caged.

And when the bell tolls, I shoot for the stars and I punch low.

You're a sweet lady.

My friend's in trouble.

I'm putting the team back together.

Brian?

Thunderbirds are go.

What?

And I'll cook you a nice roast every day

and we can go for walks! Carol!

This is insane!

No, you're just nervous cos it's new! I'll make you so happy.

You won't.

You won't because it's time for me to man up.

Hasta la vista, Daddy!

And Carol.

Aaaargh! Dan, wait!

You left that act of bravery a bit late, lad.

We're here!

Ah, fuck it!

SQUAWKING

Argh!

Ah!

Away to me, Hunker.

There's a good girl.

Come to the caravan, darling.

I've got a surprise by you.

Jesus!

OK, Brian.

Yeah. I'll see what I can do.

OK, kids.

Listen up.

Mr Davies needs our help.

Who's in?

Who's in if I pay?

Disappointing, but OK.

Let's go, kids.

Sorry - let's go, kids, and Dilal.

Come on, Mickey. We're back in the game!

Surprise! What the f...

It's our very own game, Dan!

Our very own game of Twister.

Just like a happy family plays.

Come on, join in.

No! Not in the mood?

You just relax, and I'll play by myself.

Oh!

Right foot, yellow.

It's going to be tricky!

Carol! This is madness.

Right hand, red.

Can't be done, Carol.

Carol, you've got to help me get out of here.

Oh, what a mess I'm in! All good fun, though.

Well, let's have a nice game

and then I'll make you your favourite tea.

I don't know what your favourite is. Is it pie?

I bet it's pie. Everybody loves pie, don't they?

That's it, Carol, you carry on your game.

I'm just going to pop to the toilet.

Oh, yes, you must. Empty yourself before pie.

I will!

What are you playing at, you clumsy heifer?

Where's that streak of piss?

He's just popped in there to drop dirt and make water.

We're happy now. I'm making him a special pie.

There's a window in there, you turgid pancake!

Any bugger could slip through.

I will not have him make that hearing!

Well, well, well.

Thinking of thieving my car, were you,

you fat scaffold pole?

Carol, fetch the chain and the padlock.

Which one, Father?

The one we use

for the big suitcase.

Oh!

OK. This is it. Anyone comes, you know what to do.

Everything OK?

Now, Mickey.

FARTING NOISES

As you may have heard, my father's had an accident so I'm going to need

to clean him up.

You didn't have to actually shit yourself!

All those years I've had to listen to... Damn it!

Oh, my God!

RINGING

What?

Calm down, dear.

I can't hear you very well

because of the tug-of-war.

What?

Carol is whose child?

Right.

Polly. That awful boyfriend of yours, he used to own a small patch of land, didn't he?

Daddy, yes.

The truck display will start in five minutes.

Where was it?

Look, I know he's not perfect, but court, really? I don't know.

I just don't know. Come on, love, we've been through this.

Well, hardly. You ambushed me with it.

It's what's best for the baby, Emma.

That's what counts.

Come on, hurry up. Yeah, all right!

Jeff!

Oh, my God! You killed him! Well, I didn't touch him!

Why are you shouting at me?

Well, why are you so defensive?

Why are you calling me defensive?

Clean your window for you? No, no, no. Thank you.

No, thank you.

Jesus!

What the hell? Sorry, just had a Twix.

What the hell is going on?!

Oh, that's revolting!

I think I might have an idea.

He's dead. He's definitely dead.

He just moved, I saw him!

Brian? I'm not sure how much longer we can hold them here. OK.

I'm on my way but you've got to do something to delay that hearing.

Let me see what I can do.

I suppose they can't start without you? No, they need my report.

Patty?

Yes?

Do you ever feel like...

..doing something crazy?

Right foot, green.

GROANING

Right foot, yellow.

GROANING

Carol!

You don't really think I'm going to stay, do you?

I hope I don't get a right foot, blue, because I really just don't see how!

I don't think of you in that way, Carol.

You're really sweet but I just don't.

I used to watch you sleeping, you know.

I know I shouldn't have.

Took me ages to get a camera into that cross-eyed Christ statue.

Just always looked so peaceful.

Couldn't help mesen.

Come on.

One, eight, zero, five.

What?

It's the combination for t'padlock.

And my birthday.

Oh, Carol!

Thank you.

You going somewhere?

You sick bastard!

Ah!

Ah! Hunker!

Hunker! Your daddy's under attack!

SHOUTING AND SQUAWKING

Bastard!

No!

Bring him down.

Ah! Ah!

SQUAWKING

Aaaah!

HE LAUGHS

Leave him alone!

ENGINE REVS

HE MOUTHS

Oh, shit!

Don't tempt me.

I've wrung the neck of a thousand of your kind.

Polly!

Ooh!

Stay away from my fucking family.

Bitch!

Come on, Daniel. You've a hearing to attend.

Sorry, Carol. It's OK.

I've got another lad tied up to that tree over there, anyway.

Bye. Bye.

HE YELLS

We've been broken down

The lowest rung

Being on the bottom line

Sure ain't no fun

But if we should be evicted

From our homes

We'll just move somewhere else

And still carry on

If we hold on Hold on

Hold on Hold on

Hm mm-mm-mm

If we hold on Hold on

Hold on Won't be long now

The only way is up

Baby

For you and me now

The only way is up

Baby.

LAUGHTER

FOOTSTEPS RUNNING

What on Earth is going on?

Hear me out.

When I was a kid...

..my dad used to just laugh at me.

He called me "motor moron" because I couldn't catch.

And "the king of the silver sleeve" because I would wipe my...

..nose on it and leave a trail.

And once I thought my testicles were moving on their own.

It took me ages to pluck up the courage to tell him.

When I did, he just smiled at me.

For five years, he...

..he called me...

Alien bollocks.

I know. You told me.

Oh!

Well, then.

Sorry - am I missing something?

Think about it.

Well, I don't know what he's talking about.

Well, you say that, but...

Oh, Daniel, of all the stories you could've picked!

I don't get it.

There's nothing to get. He was trying to make a point and he picked a bad story.

What's the message?

I'm talking about me and my dad!

ALL TALK

OVERLAPPING SPEECH

Look!

Can I have access to him or not?

What are those on your face?

It's grazes from when I jumped out of a car, and...

..the rest are bites.

Course they are!

OK, Daddy.

Give me a ring.

We'll work out when you have him.

Thank you.

MUSIC PLAYS

Cough up, then.

Do you want to go for a curry?

If I get asked.

Don't be a dick!

I'd be delighted, Daniel.

The only way is up

Baby

For you and me now

The only way is up

Baby

For you and me now.

Look, it's OK.

I'm going to go and see a friend who might be able to help.

Oh, Daniel!

You've got to get me out of here!

Honestly, you are a dickhead.

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