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1
00:00:00,700 --> 00:00:06,400
So strange. I FEEL different.
You know?
2
00:00:06,450 --> 00:00:09,780
As I saw as soon him, as soon as I
saw that little fella, I thought,
3
00:00:09,820 --> 00:00:12,500
"Yep, life will never be the same."
4
00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:16,620
The love you feel, it's...
5
00:00:16,660 --> 00:00:19,060
Why are you talking to me?
6
00:00:19,100 --> 00:00:20,300
I've just become a father.
7
00:00:20,340 --> 00:00:21,340
I don't care.
8
00:00:21,380 --> 00:00:23,540
Nor do I. None of us do.
9
00:00:23,580 --> 00:00:25,500
I'm not just a teacher, OK?
10
00:00:25,540 --> 00:00:27,900
This is me opening up a little bit.
11
00:00:27,940 --> 00:00:29,580
Jason, you know. What have I done?
12
00:00:29,620 --> 00:00:31,780
Nothing, I'm just
saying I've become a dad.
13
00:00:31,820 --> 00:00:35,260
I shouldn't even be
in the behavioural unit! All I did was eat some clay!
14
00:00:35,300 --> 00:00:38,700
All I'm saying is some of you might
become parents one day.
15
00:00:38,740 --> 00:00:41,300
No way, I'd get rid.
Who'd bang you?
16
00:00:41,340 --> 00:00:43,540
Your dad has.
Help me out here.
17
00:00:43,580 --> 00:00:46,660
Come on, you've had a couple of
kids. You were looking for me?
18
00:00:46,700 --> 00:00:47,860
Yes.
19
00:00:47,900 --> 00:00:49,340
I would like paternity leave.
20
00:00:49,380 --> 00:00:51,460
No. I'm entitled.
21
00:00:51,500 --> 00:00:53,700
Hardly. You're not in
a relationship with the mother
22
00:00:53,740 --> 00:00:56,980
and you live in a retirement
village.
23
00:00:57,020 --> 00:00:59,180
Can I have any time off? Tomorrow.
Saturday?
24
00:00:59,220 --> 00:01:01,860
Correct.
25
00:01:01,900 --> 00:01:03,380
SHE FARTS
26
00:01:03,420 --> 00:01:04,420
SHE SIGHS
27
00:01:04,460 --> 00:01:08,460
Jackpot.
28
00:01:27,500 --> 00:01:31,500
Late for breakfast as usual, Daniel.
Late by your standards, yes.
29
00:01:31,700 --> 00:01:33,420
I don't have to get up at 4am.
30
00:01:33,460 --> 00:01:35,020
But then, neither do you.
31
00:01:35,060 --> 00:01:37,740
You'll need to be here at
five o'clock sharp tonight.
32
00:01:37,780 --> 00:01:38,980
We won't wait.
33
00:01:39,020 --> 00:01:41,980
What? It's Ham Saturday!
34
00:01:42,020 --> 00:01:43,580
Honestly, do you ever listen?
35
00:01:43,620 --> 00:01:47,340
Your mother does a ham every
last Saturday of the month.
36
00:01:47,380 --> 00:01:49,060
I've already chosen my outfit.
37
00:01:49,100 --> 00:01:52,380
It's a meat night at a retirement
village, it's not the Mobos.
38
00:01:52,420 --> 00:01:56,420
Besides, I'll be spending
tonight with my son, obviously.
39
00:01:57,420 --> 00:02:01,020
Emma won't want you fussing.
She won't want a silly billy
40
00:02:01,060 --> 00:02:04,340
in the way. Poor dear will have
a vagina like a stamped bat.
41
00:02:04,380 --> 00:02:07,620
OK. I'm out.
42
00:02:07,660 --> 00:02:08,980
Oh. Carol.
43
00:02:09,020 --> 00:02:11,940
Have I shown you a picture
of my child?
44
00:02:11,980 --> 00:02:13,660
Carol?
45
00:02:13,700 --> 00:02:15,420
Oh, Daniel, sorry.
46
00:02:15,460 --> 00:02:17,460
Sergeant Lick has had a
bad morning.
47
00:02:17,500 --> 00:02:19,780
I let him out to make watter
and he were attacked. What by?
48
00:02:19,820 --> 00:02:22,300
A giant chicken.
49
00:02:22,340 --> 00:02:24,180
I saw it with me own eyes.
50
00:02:24,220 --> 00:02:27,460
It was the size of a turkey,
but it were a chicken.
51
00:02:27,500 --> 00:02:31,500
How can such a bird exist?
52
00:02:32,700 --> 00:02:35,020
Do you think you should
go somewhere else, rather
53
00:02:35,060 --> 00:02:37,780
than the breakfast area?
54
00:02:37,820 --> 00:02:40,500
If I bring my son to visit, it's
not very hygienic, is it?
55
00:02:40,540 --> 00:02:44,180
Oh, but it's just he's very
old and he had to be sedated.
56
00:02:44,220 --> 00:02:45,820
This is where he curled up.
57
00:02:45,860 --> 00:02:47,940
Well. I could put him on the big
bean bag.
58
00:02:47,980 --> 00:02:50,900
Oh, the conflict is debilitating!
59
00:02:50,940 --> 00:02:53,420
Sorry. Sorry!
60
00:02:53,460 --> 00:02:55,100
You can be so thoughtless!
61
00:02:55,140 --> 00:02:58,220
Sergeant Lick is like a son to her.
62
00:02:58,260 --> 00:03:01,540
Well, I'm an actual dad, but no-one
seems interested in that.
63
00:03:01,580 --> 00:03:04,700
You haven't got a clue about
parenthood. You long shit.
64
00:03:04,740 --> 00:03:08,740
Goodbye.
Five o'clock sharp, for ham, Daniel.
65
00:03:10,220 --> 00:03:13,780
I haven't got time for this.
I should be on my fifth travel sweet. One per hour, no chewing.
66
00:03:13,820 --> 00:03:16,900
It'll only take a minute, Brian.
Please, just a bit of financial advice.
67
00:03:16,940 --> 00:03:18,140
It's my daughter's birthday.
68
00:03:18,180 --> 00:03:20,180
I need to get there early
to make an impact.
69
00:03:20,220 --> 00:03:23,260
She's been up in Scotland a long
time and she's beginning to turn.
70
00:03:23,300 --> 00:03:25,860
Some people are gay, Brian.
Deal with it.
71
00:03:25,900 --> 00:03:29,540
What? She's six years old. It's her
accent, it's becoming...
72
00:03:29,580 --> 00:03:30,900
Scottish.
73
00:03:30,940 --> 00:03:32,580
So? People always change their
accents.
74
00:03:32,620 --> 00:03:35,740
What about that time Mickey banged
his head? Chinese for a whole year.
75
00:03:35,780 --> 00:03:39,140
I didn't buy that then,
I don't buy it now. The man's got attention deficit disorder.
76
00:03:39,180 --> 00:03:40,860
Oh, Brian, please!
All right, shut up.
77
00:03:40,900 --> 00:03:42,820
I'm looking. It's a mess.
78
00:03:42,860 --> 00:03:44,180
It's a good system.
79
00:03:44,220 --> 00:03:46,940
Putting stuff in a box labelled
"things I don't understand"
80
00:03:46,980 --> 00:03:49,460
is not a system.
81
00:03:49,500 --> 00:03:51,260
Why don't you understand this?
82
00:03:51,300 --> 00:03:52,940
Hello, Brian?
83
00:03:52,980 --> 00:03:54,140
She's dead.
84
00:03:54,180 --> 00:03:58,180
So you don't understand
the concept of time?
85
00:03:58,620 --> 00:04:00,060
Ah, good, you brought it.
86
00:04:00,100 --> 00:04:03,900
Reluctantly. I have memories
attached to that. All right, Seamus Heaney.
87
00:04:03,940 --> 00:04:07,940
It's a pram, not a lock of your
father's hair. Brian's in a grump because his daughter has
88
00:04:08,220 --> 00:04:10,060
gone a wee bit Scotland.
Exactly my point.
89
00:04:10,100 --> 00:04:13,180
The word in this country
is small. Not wee.
90
00:04:13,220 --> 00:04:16,980
Right. Would anyone like to ask me
how I feel about becoming a father?
91
00:04:17,020 --> 00:04:20,260
What's this? No?
92
00:04:20,300 --> 00:04:23,100
Shakira, would you be interested in
seeing a video of my new baby?
93
00:04:23,140 --> 00:04:27,140
Would you be interested in seeing
one of me pissing in a bin? I see.
94
00:04:28,260 --> 00:04:31,500
Things have really changed.
95
00:04:31,540 --> 00:04:34,820
Even colours seem more vibrant,
you know?
96
00:04:34,860 --> 00:04:35,940
Hello!
97
00:04:35,980 --> 00:04:37,580
Oh, my God. Jo!
98
00:04:37,620 --> 00:04:38,740
Yeah.
99
00:04:38,780 --> 00:04:40,580
They're letters from my pen pal,
Humrick.
100
00:04:40,620 --> 00:04:42,580
I say pen pal - I don't write back.
101
00:04:42,620 --> 00:04:44,540
Humrick - little bit dull.
102
00:04:44,580 --> 00:04:48,580
Not Humrick, Jo -
HMRC - these are tax demands.
103
00:04:49,220 --> 00:04:51,700
Why aren't we talking about me?
104
00:04:51,740 --> 00:04:54,540
I've had a child! I've got to
concentrate. Shush!
105
00:04:54,580 --> 00:04:56,580
Jesus Christ.
106
00:04:56,620 --> 00:04:57,900
Fuck, yeah.
107
00:04:57,940 --> 00:04:59,700
You need to drink some more water.
108
00:04:59,740 --> 00:05:03,740
That looks like cloudy honey.
109
00:05:03,940 --> 00:05:07,380
I won't be ignored.
110
00:05:07,420 --> 00:05:10,620
I created life!
111
00:05:10,660 --> 00:05:13,780
Jo, these are dating back to the
'90s, you could owe thousands.
112
00:05:13,820 --> 00:05:15,580
We need to get you an accountant.
113
00:05:15,620 --> 00:05:17,300
It's OK. This is good.
114
00:05:17,340 --> 00:05:19,020
It's not good.
115
00:05:19,060 --> 00:05:20,620
I'm freaking the fuck out.
116
00:05:20,660 --> 00:05:24,660
When I get back from Scotland,
we'll...
117
00:05:26,820 --> 00:05:29,020
Can't believe it. I can't believe
I've had a baby.
118
00:05:29,060 --> 00:05:31,620
Me! You haven't had a baby.
119
00:05:31,660 --> 00:05:32,860
I had a baby.
120
00:05:32,900 --> 00:05:34,420
You were useless.
121
00:05:34,460 --> 00:05:37,500
Hey. It was emotion. Dry retching
over a bin, repeatedly saying,
122
00:05:37,540 --> 00:05:40,580
"Here it comes again.
This is the one," is not emotion.
123
00:05:40,620 --> 00:05:42,460
Well, I'm Superdad now.
124
00:05:42,500 --> 00:05:44,540
I've remembered the pram.
125
00:05:44,580 --> 00:05:48,580
You're too late. Mum and Dad
bought a new one today.
126
00:05:50,660 --> 00:05:51,940
That's nice.
127
00:05:51,980 --> 00:05:55,100
Where's that little smasher?
128
00:05:55,140 --> 00:05:56,780
Hello! Oh...
129
00:05:56,820 --> 00:05:59,420
Hello. Lovely to see you.
130
00:05:59,460 --> 00:06:00,580
He's adorable.
131
00:06:00,620 --> 00:06:04,580
He's really special.
132
00:06:04,620 --> 00:06:05,940
Yeah, he's a one-off.
133
00:06:05,980 --> 00:06:07,500
And I hope this is appropriate.
134
00:06:07,540 --> 00:06:11,540
He's got a lovely penis.
135
00:06:12,060 --> 00:06:14,900
We've brought you some nappies
and some flowers.
136
00:06:14,940 --> 00:06:17,620
You should see what he's done
with the nursery, he's painted it
137
00:06:17,660 --> 00:06:19,060
from top to bottom.
138
00:06:19,100 --> 00:06:21,060
And what did I find in the loft?
139
00:06:21,100 --> 00:06:25,100
A certain little frock that a
certain little girl used to wear!
140
00:06:25,220 --> 00:06:26,620
No!
141
00:06:26,660 --> 00:06:28,660
You!
142
00:06:28,700 --> 00:06:30,300
Oh.
Follow the yellow brick road
143
00:06:30,340 --> 00:06:32,260
Follow the yellow brick road
144
00:06:32,300 --> 00:06:36,300
? Follow, follow, follow, follow
Follow the yellow brick road. ?
145
00:06:37,340 --> 00:06:39,060
I'm a cowardly lion.
146
00:06:39,100 --> 00:06:43,100
I haven't got a heart.
I'm sick as fuck! Ah...
147
00:06:44,620 --> 00:06:45,740
NURSE COUGHS
148
00:06:45,780 --> 00:06:48,740
Hello? Did you not see the sign?
149
00:06:48,780 --> 00:06:52,780
Oh. Oh...
150
00:06:54,300 --> 00:06:56,660
Oh. No, I should...
151
00:06:56,700 --> 00:06:58,540
I should be the one to go.
152
00:06:58,580 --> 00:07:01,820
Well, if you just pop outside
for a bit.
153
00:07:01,860 --> 00:07:03,260
Well, I'll tell you what.
154
00:07:03,300 --> 00:07:04,300
I'm his dad.
155
00:07:04,340 --> 00:07:06,940
I'll take him out for a while.
156
00:07:06,980 --> 00:07:08,700
Sorry, did I say something funny?
157
00:07:08,740 --> 00:07:09,980
The child is a day old.
158
00:07:10,020 --> 00:07:14,020
What were you planning?
Take him out bowling?
159
00:07:15,060 --> 00:07:19,060
What did you have in mind?
An afternoon on the rifle range?
160
00:07:20,100 --> 00:07:24,100
Why not get him some
rollerblades, you stupid bastard?!
161
00:07:30,060 --> 00:07:34,060
Jo.
162
00:07:35,740 --> 00:07:37,780
'Dear Brian. The taxman could be
anywhere.
163
00:07:37,820 --> 00:07:39,980
'I've gone off-grid. Is that how you
spell grid?
164
00:07:40,020 --> 00:07:42,220
'I've stared at it too long now,
it looks weird.
165
00:07:42,260 --> 00:07:46,260
'Grid, grid. Grid. Grid. Grid, grid.
Grid. Grid.'
166
00:07:53,660 --> 00:07:54,660
Jo.
167
00:07:54,700 --> 00:07:56,420
Listen, this is ridiculous.
168
00:07:56,460 --> 00:07:58,860
I've looked through the rest
of your papers and essentially
169
00:07:58,900 --> 00:08:00,220
you've never existed.
170
00:08:00,260 --> 00:08:01,660
Anyway, I'll help.
171
00:08:01,700 --> 00:08:04,060
Now call me.
I need to hit the road in my car
172
00:08:04,100 --> 00:08:07,620
while I'm worried about you.
173
00:08:07,660 --> 00:08:09,060
ANSWERPHONE BEEPS
174
00:08:09,100 --> 00:08:11,460
HEAVY SCOTTISH ACCENT: Och, Daddy,
I forgot to say just now
175
00:08:11,500 --> 00:08:14,540
I cannae wait to see you at my wee
birthday party.
176
00:08:14,580 --> 00:08:18,580
Motherfucker!
177
00:08:19,540 --> 00:08:21,140
SHOUTING
178
00:08:21,180 --> 00:08:25,180
MUSIC: Let Me Be The Man My Daddy
Was by The Chi-Lites
179
00:08:29,300 --> 00:08:32,580
Oh, let me be
180
00:08:32,620 --> 00:08:36,620
The man my daddy was
181
00:08:39,100 --> 00:08:41,340
Oh let me be
182
00:08:41,380 --> 00:08:44,060
? The man... ?
183
00:08:44,100 --> 00:08:45,900
Sorry about that, buddy.
184
00:08:45,940 --> 00:08:48,940
He's got a brutal left foot.
185
00:08:48,980 --> 00:08:51,220
I know you. Do you?
186
00:08:51,260 --> 00:08:53,620
You're that bloke that was trying
to live in a gym.
187
00:08:53,660 --> 00:08:56,900
I wasn't trying to live in a gym.
Yes, you were, you were trying to live in a gym.
188
00:08:56,940 --> 00:09:00,780
What? You living in a pram now?
Supposed to be for my son.
189
00:09:00,820 --> 00:09:03,500
You've got a kid? You? Little boy.
190
00:09:03,540 --> 00:09:05,620
Didn't have you pegged as a dad.
191
00:09:05,660 --> 00:09:09,660
Honestly, just being truthful,
I thought you were the biggest loser on the earth.
192
00:09:10,580 --> 00:09:12,860
I mean...tried to
live in a gym.
193
00:09:12,900 --> 00:09:15,100
Hey! I wasn't trying to live in the
gym. Yes, you were,
194
00:09:15,140 --> 00:09:17,020
you were trying to live in the gym.
195
00:09:17,060 --> 00:09:18,660
Well, I am the biggest loser on
earth.
196
00:09:18,700 --> 00:09:20,700
Not even allowed to take him out.
197
00:09:20,740 --> 00:09:22,220
What do you mean?
198
00:09:22,260 --> 00:09:24,140
Me and the mum aren't together,
so...
199
00:09:24,180 --> 00:09:26,460
This pisses me off.
My girl is the same.
200
00:09:26,500 --> 00:09:28,860
She didn't think Dad time matters,
but it matters, man.
201
00:09:28,900 --> 00:09:30,620
I had to tell her who Poppa Bear
was.
202
00:09:30,660 --> 00:09:34,540
Who is Poppa Bear? I'm Poppa Bear,
and you're Poppa Bear.
203
00:09:34,580 --> 00:09:36,980
I'm not Poppa Bear. Not with that
attitude.
204
00:09:37,020 --> 00:09:40,460
That's why I started the Dad Club,
to give poppas the time they need
205
00:09:40,500 --> 00:09:43,660
with their little cubs.
206
00:09:43,700 --> 00:09:45,900
You want to hang with the Dad pack?
207
00:09:45,940 --> 00:09:49,940
I'd love it. Er...
208
00:09:50,460 --> 00:09:54,460
Tell me you're Poppa Bear.
I'm Poppa Bear. Mean it.
209
00:09:55,060 --> 00:09:58,260
I'm Poppa Bear. Bears roar, they
don't mew like a pussy.
210
00:09:58,300 --> 00:09:59,660
I'm Poppa Bear. Mean it!
211
00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:01,340
I am Poppa Bear!
212
00:10:01,380 --> 00:10:05,380
Louder. I'M POPPA BEAR!
213
00:10:06,020 --> 00:10:07,620
It's still a no.
214
00:10:07,660 --> 00:10:11,660
I am Poppa Bear.
I'm Momma Don't Give A Shit.
215
00:10:11,780 --> 00:10:15,780
Oh.
216
00:10:16,220 --> 00:10:18,940
Look. I know you both know where
she is.
217
00:10:18,980 --> 00:10:21,140
She just not show.
218
00:10:21,180 --> 00:10:24,180
She's supposed to be here dressed as
the big egg.
219
00:10:24,220 --> 00:10:25,940
Of course she is.
220
00:10:25,980 --> 00:10:27,540
OK.
221
00:10:27,580 --> 00:10:31,260
Mr Crumbs. Mr Crumbs, do
you have children?
222
00:10:31,300 --> 00:10:34,940
No. Crumbs only have fish and
lizard.
223
00:10:34,980 --> 00:10:38,020
OK. That'll work.
What are their names?
224
00:10:38,060 --> 00:10:39,820
Dominic.
225
00:10:39,860 --> 00:10:41,780
What? Both of them?
226
00:10:41,820 --> 00:10:44,100
Sorry, both of them are called
Dominic?
227
00:10:44,140 --> 00:10:48,140
The fish and the lizard?
228
00:10:48,420 --> 00:10:51,340
OK.
229
00:10:51,380 --> 00:10:55,060
I'm sure you love Dominic
and Dominic very much.
230
00:10:55,100 --> 00:10:58,180
So much. So, so much.
231
00:10:58,220 --> 00:10:59,580
Good.
232
00:10:59,620 --> 00:11:02,300
Well, just imagine someone
was stopping you from seeing them.
233
00:11:02,340 --> 00:11:03,620
No!
234
00:11:03,660 --> 00:11:05,220
Why?
235
00:11:05,260 --> 00:11:08,100
Why they stop Crumb from seeing
Dominic?
236
00:11:08,140 --> 00:11:09,900
Where are Dominic?
237
00:11:09,940 --> 00:11:12,140
No, no, they're not...
Dominic are fine.
238
00:11:12,180 --> 00:11:13,620
I just wanted you to imagine...
239
00:11:13,660 --> 00:11:15,980
Who take Dominic?
240
00:11:16,020 --> 00:11:20,020
WHY? DOMINIC!
241
00:11:22,500 --> 00:11:26,500
Have you any idea at all
where she might be?
242
00:11:28,940 --> 00:11:31,900
Well, thank you!
243
00:11:38,940 --> 00:11:42,940
MESSAGE ALERT
244
00:11:58,340 --> 00:12:01,900
Oh, Dan. I'm so sorry
Sergeant Lick's still here.
245
00:12:01,940 --> 00:12:05,940
I should move him because
it's ham night tonight. Oh!
246
00:12:07,020 --> 00:12:10,020
No, you can't...
You can leave him, actually, Carol.
247
00:12:10,060 --> 00:12:11,460
I'll watch him for you.
248
00:12:11,500 --> 00:12:13,340
Oh, you are so kind.
249
00:12:13,380 --> 00:12:16,180
You're going to make
the best dad in the whole world.
250
00:12:16,220 --> 00:12:20,220
Well...
251
00:12:28,060 --> 00:12:32,060
Take good care of my baby
252
00:12:32,860 --> 00:12:35,660
? Please don't ever
make her blue... ?
253
00:12:35,700 --> 00:12:38,900
DOG BARKS
254
00:12:38,940 --> 00:12:41,660
Just tell her that you love her
255
00:12:41,700 --> 00:12:44,900
Make sure you're thinking of her
256
00:12:44,940 --> 00:12:48,380
? In everything you say and do... ?
257
00:12:48,420 --> 00:12:50,140
LAUGHTER
258
00:12:50,180 --> 00:12:53,700
I said, "Lady, do I look like I've
got the time to get a haircut?"
259
00:12:53,740 --> 00:12:57,300
""I've got a baby. I'm amazed if
I get a chance to wash my balls!"
260
00:12:57,340 --> 00:12:58,740
I know what you mean. I do.
261
00:12:58,780 --> 00:13:01,420
You should have plenty of time,
the amount of sleep that kid gets.
262
00:13:01,460 --> 00:13:03,940
Yeah! When are we going to get
to meet your little lad?
263
00:13:03,980 --> 00:13:07,140
Hopefully, not today, right, lads?
Let them sleep, eh?
264
00:13:07,180 --> 00:13:08,860
You don't want to let him
kip too long
265
00:13:08,900 --> 00:13:10,740
because he won't sleep tonight.
266
00:13:10,780 --> 00:13:12,540
Here's the thing. With mine,
267
00:13:12,580 --> 00:13:13,740
he will.
268
00:13:13,780 --> 00:13:15,500
Confident!
269
00:13:15,540 --> 00:13:18,780
Excuse us. Need to see a man
about a quiche.
270
00:13:18,820 --> 00:13:20,300
Oh, quiche! Oh!
271
00:13:20,340 --> 00:13:21,660
LAUGHTER
272
00:13:21,700 --> 00:13:23,460
So, he sleeps OK at night, then?
273
00:13:23,500 --> 00:13:27,020
Yeah. Ye-ah! I wish you would share
the secret - mine's a nightmare.
274
00:13:27,060 --> 00:13:30,500
Oh! Yeah. How do you get him off?
275
00:13:30,540 --> 00:13:32,140
Oh, I, er...
276
00:13:32,180 --> 00:13:33,540
I sing.
277
00:13:33,580 --> 00:13:35,700
Oh. What do you sing?
278
00:13:35,740 --> 00:13:38,580
You wouldn't know it.
Really? What is it?
279
00:13:38,620 --> 00:13:42,220
It's, er...
280
00:13:42,260 --> 00:13:44,900
It's an old Jamaican lullaby.
281
00:13:44,940 --> 00:13:48,940
What? Yeah, when I was travelling
I learned it from a wise old woman.
282
00:13:49,180 --> 00:13:50,500
Works a treat.
283
00:13:50,540 --> 00:13:51,860
Bullshit. Not bullshit.
284
00:13:51,900 --> 00:13:53,620
Beautiful.
285
00:13:53,660 --> 00:13:56,700
What's it called?
286
00:13:56,740 --> 00:13:58,620
It's called Under De Coconut Tree.
287
00:13:58,660 --> 00:14:01,420
It's called what? It's called
Under De Coconut...
288
00:14:01,460 --> 00:14:02,940
What's all this? Hello, you two!
289
00:14:02,980 --> 00:14:05,540
Dan's going to sing us his song
that gets his kid off!
290
00:14:05,580 --> 00:14:07,380
Oh, hey! I'm not!
291
00:14:07,420 --> 00:14:08,420
Come on! Fuck off!
292
00:14:08,460 --> 00:14:09,660
Seriously. Fuck off.
293
00:14:09,700 --> 00:14:12,420
OK, Papa Bear. I want to meet
this boy. I'm going to get him up.
294
00:14:12,460 --> 00:14:14,860
No, no, no, no!
He needs more sleep.
295
00:14:14,900 --> 00:14:17,460
No, he doesn't.
He doesn't need more sleep.
296
00:14:17,500 --> 00:14:19,620
I'm going to get him up.
297
00:14:19,660 --> 00:14:23,660
HIGH-PITCHED REEDY VOICE:
Under de coconut tree-ee...
298
00:14:25,420 --> 00:14:29,420
Why is my bay-bee so sleepy?
299
00:14:30,940 --> 00:14:33,980
Because he can hear
de sound of the sea
300
00:14:34,020 --> 00:14:38,020
? Lapping by de shore
of de coconut tree-eee. ?
301
00:14:44,060 --> 00:14:48,060
BASSO PROFUNDO: Coco-nu-uu-ut!
302
00:15:02,740 --> 00:15:05,620
Hello! Escaped the midwives, then?
303
00:15:05,660 --> 00:15:07,300
Ah, yes, they let me out.
304
00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:10,820
Yeah, they probably
just needed the bed.
305
00:15:10,860 --> 00:15:11,940
Oh...
306
00:15:11,980 --> 00:15:14,060
Sorry. Do you want me to
put this out?
307
00:15:14,100 --> 00:15:17,060
No, don't you worry. Don't you
let the newborn spoil your fag.
308
00:15:17,100 --> 00:15:20,580
Yeah. I'll put it out.
309
00:15:20,620 --> 00:15:21,700
Aw...
310
00:15:21,740 --> 00:15:23,780
He's beautiful, by the way.
311
00:15:23,820 --> 00:15:25,580
Doesn't look at all like his dad.
312
00:15:25,620 --> 00:15:26,620
Yeah. Touch wood.
313
00:15:26,660 --> 00:15:28,100
Don't you touch any wood.
314
00:15:28,140 --> 00:15:32,140
That's what got you into
this mess in the first place.
315
00:15:33,740 --> 00:15:35,980
So you haven't seen Dan, have you?
316
00:15:36,020 --> 00:15:38,420
He came by earlier,
seemed a bit panicked. No.
317
00:15:38,460 --> 00:15:40,420
I'm worried we might have
crowded him out a bit.
318
00:15:40,460 --> 00:15:44,460
Yeah. The hormones can make you act
like a bit of a twat.
319
00:15:46,900 --> 00:15:50,900
Cool. See you, then. See you later.
320
00:15:51,540 --> 00:15:52,660
WHISPERS: What the fuck?
321
00:15:52,700 --> 00:15:55,940
LAUGHTER
322
00:15:55,980 --> 00:15:58,100
Bit of a whiff coming from
over there.
323
00:15:58,140 --> 00:16:00,420
Yeah, he's a farter, all right.
324
00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:03,020
Whoo! Almost like it needs changing.
325
00:16:03,060 --> 00:16:07,060
The baby that never
leaves the pram.
326
00:16:07,660 --> 00:16:08,700
Dan!
327
00:16:08,740 --> 00:16:09,740
What the fuck? Shh!
328
00:16:09,780 --> 00:16:12,020
What are you doing?
I've joined Dad Club.
329
00:16:12,060 --> 00:16:14,420
Well, I've just seen Emma
with your baby,
330
00:16:14,460 --> 00:16:15,940
so what the fuck is in there?
331
00:16:15,980 --> 00:16:18,420
WHISPERS: Shut up!
Oh, my God! Is that a...
332
00:16:18,460 --> 00:16:21,540
I have told you, he's sleeping!
333
00:16:21,580 --> 00:16:23,180
Have you lost your mind?
334
00:16:23,220 --> 00:16:24,980
So you're allowed to see
the mystery kid?
335
00:16:25,020 --> 00:16:27,540
Yeah. Dan, have you not let them see
the mystery kid?
336
00:16:27,580 --> 00:16:31,020
Well, he needs changing,
so we can all see him.
337
00:16:31,060 --> 00:16:33,340
He is a bit smelly, man.
Yeah! Come on, Dan!
338
00:16:33,380 --> 00:16:34,700
Yeah, but.. I mean...
339
00:16:34,740 --> 00:16:36,860
Come on, Dan. Come on! Come on!
340
00:16:36,900 --> 00:16:39,660
You can do it. Come on,
what's wrong? You can do it!
341
00:16:39,700 --> 00:16:43,700
Come on, Dan!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
342
00:16:44,140 --> 00:16:48,100
I think I know my own kid!
343
00:16:48,140 --> 00:16:50,220
For God's sake!
344
00:16:50,260 --> 00:16:52,020
Let's get him changed!
345
00:16:52,060 --> 00:16:55,300
Honestly! Come on.
346
00:16:55,340 --> 00:16:56,340
SPLASH
347
00:16:56,380 --> 00:17:00,380
Ooh! There she goes!
348
00:17:01,180 --> 00:17:03,780
KNOCK AT DOOR
349
00:17:03,820 --> 00:17:06,420
Hello? I couldn't help notice,
you didn't take any nappies in.
350
00:17:06,460 --> 00:17:10,060
So I brought you one.
351
00:17:10,100 --> 00:17:11,540
No, you're all right!
352
00:17:11,580 --> 00:17:14,980
You need a nappy, right?
353
00:17:15,020 --> 00:17:16,220
No.
354
00:17:16,260 --> 00:17:18,500
Why not?
355
00:17:18,540 --> 00:17:20,020
He uses the toilet.
356
00:17:20,060 --> 00:17:21,740
A baby?
357
00:17:21,780 --> 00:17:24,620
Yep. I trained him to use
the toilet. So...
358
00:17:24,660 --> 00:17:26,820
Right. Well, when you're done,
I'd like to use it.
359
00:17:26,860 --> 00:17:30,860
Yup.
360
00:17:31,860 --> 00:17:35,860
Coming.
361
00:17:37,140 --> 00:17:38,940
FAILS TO FLUSH
362
00:17:38,980 --> 00:17:41,620
WHISPERS: Oh, fuck.
363
00:17:41,660 --> 00:17:45,660
Oh! No!
364
00:17:51,060 --> 00:17:55,060
All done.
365
00:17:57,900 --> 00:17:59,660
Jesus Christ!
366
00:17:59,700 --> 00:18:00,860
Your baby did that?
367
00:18:00,900 --> 00:18:02,380
Yeah.
368
00:18:02,420 --> 00:18:04,020
It's massive.
369
00:18:04,060 --> 00:18:05,740
You did this. No, I didn't.
370
00:18:05,780 --> 00:18:09,420
Bullshit. Not bullshit, baby shit.
He's had a bit of malt loaf.
371
00:18:09,460 --> 00:18:10,700
It's bigger than he is!
372
00:18:10,740 --> 00:18:12,500
He goes once a week like a sloth,
get over it!
373
00:18:12,540 --> 00:18:13,820
Show me your kid.
374
00:18:13,860 --> 00:18:16,220
No.
375
00:18:16,260 --> 00:18:17,780
Oh...
376
00:18:17,820 --> 00:18:19,260
Ah!
377
00:18:19,300 --> 00:18:21,980
Just taking him out for
a bit of air.
378
00:18:22,020 --> 00:18:24,620
Come try this quiche for me.
You can really taste the fennel.
379
00:18:24,660 --> 00:18:28,660
Yeah. Back in two ticks.
380
00:18:31,060 --> 00:18:32,740
Thanks for that, you dick!
381
00:18:32,780 --> 00:18:35,020
I'm a dick? What are you playing at?
382
00:18:35,060 --> 00:18:37,100
I just want to belong to something,
all right?
383
00:18:37,140 --> 00:18:39,340
The Lipseys have cut me
out of my own son's life.
384
00:18:39,380 --> 00:18:40,980
I'm out of the inner circle.
385
00:18:41,020 --> 00:18:43,220
Had to start my own.
All right. Calm down.
386
00:18:43,260 --> 00:18:45,500
Let's go and have a pint.
387
00:18:45,540 --> 00:18:48,100
Yeah, all right. Come on. Quick one.
388
00:18:48,140 --> 00:18:50,180
You reckon your son will be OK
beside some bins
389
00:18:50,220 --> 00:18:52,420
where dogs clearly piss?
390
00:18:52,460 --> 00:18:56,460
It's not going anywhere. Come on.
391
00:18:58,660 --> 00:19:02,660
Jo, you need to pick up. I should be
in Skelton Services by now.
392
00:19:03,940 --> 00:19:05,100
Jo, if I get up there late
393
00:19:05,140 --> 00:19:07,860
and those girls are eating offal
and head-butting tourists,
394
00:19:07,900 --> 00:19:10,460
you and I are going to have words!
395
00:19:10,500 --> 00:19:12,420
Sorry I'm no fun on your birthday,
darling,
396
00:19:12,460 --> 00:19:15,460
but I spent yesterday playing
hide and seek with an Oxbridge twat!
397
00:19:15,500 --> 00:19:17,740
Now I'm a little bit tired.
Not a wee bit. A little!
398
00:19:17,780 --> 00:19:21,460
Freedom!
399
00:19:21,500 --> 00:19:25,060
Unbelievable.
400
00:19:25,100 --> 00:19:26,820
No respect at all.
401
00:19:26,860 --> 00:19:30,860
Just leaving it in
the middle of the street.
402
00:19:31,780 --> 00:19:34,580
Just relax, Dan,
everything's going to be fine.
403
00:19:34,620 --> 00:19:35,620
Thanks.
404
00:19:35,660 --> 00:19:37,140
Honestly, you are an idiot.
405
00:19:37,180 --> 00:19:40,220
Now, get back to your daddy mates,
they're missing you.
406
00:19:40,260 --> 00:19:41,900
Yo! Papa Bear!
407
00:19:41,940 --> 00:19:43,380
The others are at Nando's.
408
00:19:43,420 --> 00:19:45,500
They've been given
their wooden spoon.
409
00:19:45,540 --> 00:19:47,860
Oh, thanks. I better
get the little one home.
410
00:19:47,900 --> 00:19:49,740
Yeah? Where is he?
411
00:19:49,780 --> 00:19:52,780
Oh. He's, er...
412
00:19:52,820 --> 00:19:53,980
Oh, he's gone!
413
00:19:54,020 --> 00:19:57,180
You left him at the side of a pub
near some bins? Yeah. I did.
414
00:19:57,220 --> 00:19:58,620
And, yeah, he's gone.
415
00:19:58,660 --> 00:20:00,220
Jesus Christ!
416
00:20:00,260 --> 00:20:03,620
I'm sure he'll be fine. Your baby
has been stolen, you fucking nutter!
417
00:20:03,660 --> 00:20:05,740
Or has he? Is there a baby?
418
00:20:05,780 --> 00:20:07,300
Yes, there's a baby.
419
00:20:07,340 --> 00:20:09,540
He's in shock.
I'm going to call the police.
420
00:20:09,580 --> 00:20:13,540
There's no need for that. Come on!
This must happen all the time.
421
00:20:13,580 --> 00:20:16,900
Christ! Papa Bear!
422
00:20:16,940 --> 00:20:18,540
RADIO: All units, 1057.
423
00:20:18,580 --> 00:20:22,580
Be on the lookout for a distinctive
pushchair. Possible abduction.
424
00:20:25,660 --> 00:20:27,700
I'll stop you there, if I may.
425
00:20:27,740 --> 00:20:29,540
Sorry, officer. I'm in a rush.
426
00:20:29,580 --> 00:20:32,100
I can imagine. Your baby?
427
00:20:32,140 --> 00:20:34,260
No. Well...
428
00:20:34,300 --> 00:20:36,180
Kidnappers aren't usually so honest.
429
00:20:36,220 --> 00:20:38,940
Do I look like the sort
of person that abducts babies?
430
00:20:38,980 --> 00:20:40,740
Come on, sir!
431
00:20:40,780 --> 00:20:44,180
The moustache, the Farrar slacks,
the soft hands.
432
00:20:44,220 --> 00:20:48,220
You look like you've gone as a
child snatcher to a fancy dress do.
433
00:20:48,300 --> 00:20:50,380
This is textbook oppression.
434
00:20:50,420 --> 00:20:52,860
In England, our law-enforcers
are accountable.
435
00:20:52,900 --> 00:20:56,780
I'll take your number.
436
00:20:56,820 --> 00:20:58,780
I'll ask you to calm down.
437
00:20:58,820 --> 00:21:02,220
I should have known violence
wasn't far away, you savage!
438
00:21:02,260 --> 00:21:03,660
Why not finish the job?
439
00:21:03,700 --> 00:21:07,100
Paint your face blue
and show me your arse!
440
00:21:07,140 --> 00:21:09,020
No need for profanity, sir.
441
00:21:09,060 --> 00:21:11,180
Right. That's it. I'm going.
442
00:21:11,220 --> 00:21:14,100
Just wait there a wee moment.
443
00:21:14,140 --> 00:21:18,140
The word...is "small"!
444
00:21:19,060 --> 00:21:20,620
Guys. I appreciate your concern.
445
00:21:20,660 --> 00:21:23,380
But I'm sure he'll come home
when he's hungry. They always do.
446
00:21:23,420 --> 00:21:25,500
You're talking crazy.
447
00:21:25,540 --> 00:21:28,300
Oh, my God! Up there!
448
00:21:28,340 --> 00:21:30,700
He's still alive! Oh!
449
00:21:30,740 --> 00:21:34,060
BRIAN: I am taking my pram
and I am going to Dundee!
450
00:21:34,100 --> 00:21:38,100
Agh!
451
00:21:43,300 --> 00:21:44,900
BUZZING
452
00:21:44,940 --> 00:21:47,460
Oh! Arrggh! Argh! Agh!
453
00:21:47,500 --> 00:21:51,500
AGONISED GASPING
454
00:21:51,820 --> 00:21:53,100
Brian?
455
00:21:53,140 --> 00:21:57,140
Jo? You grassed me!
456
00:21:59,100 --> 00:22:03,100
Jo, my pram!
457
00:22:19,460 --> 00:22:23,460
No!
458
00:22:42,940 --> 00:22:46,940
Uh!
459
00:22:48,300 --> 00:22:52,300
Um...
460
00:22:53,180 --> 00:22:57,180
What the fuck?
461
00:22:59,620 --> 00:23:00,940
I knew it.
462
00:23:00,980 --> 00:23:03,380
Daniel! So you took the ham!
463
00:23:03,420 --> 00:23:06,340
I blamed Sergeant Lick.
I've had him destroyed.
464
00:23:06,380 --> 00:23:08,660
This is going to take
three hours to cook
465
00:23:08,700 --> 00:23:12,700
and you know we like to eat at five.
466
00:23:21,900 --> 00:23:23,980
? All the times that I've heard... ?
467
00:23:24,020 --> 00:23:25,940
This is Brian Ames.
I'm currently unavailable.
468
00:23:25,980 --> 00:23:27,860
Please leave a message
after the single tone.
469
00:23:27,900 --> 00:23:28,900
BEEP
470
00:23:28,940 --> 00:23:32,940
Daddy, how long till you get here?
I cannae wait to see you.
471
00:23:34,820 --> 00:23:38,020
If they were right I'd agree
472
00:23:38,060 --> 00:23:41,740
But it's them they know, not me
473
00:23:41,780 --> 00:23:44,500
Now there's a way and I know
474
00:23:44,540 --> 00:23:48,540
That I have to go away
475
00:23:48,820 --> 00:23:50,820
I know...
476
00:23:50,860 --> 00:23:52,660
? ..I have to go. ?
477
00:23:52,710 --> 00:23:57,260
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