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1
00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:10,159
Wait!
Hello. Cup of tea, please?
2
00:00:10,160 --> 00:00:12,519
How come he can push to the front
of the queue?
3
00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:15,799
He's a police officer. He's needed
on the beat, not queueing for tea.
4
00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:17,879
He's a police community support
officer.
5
00:00:17,880 --> 00:00:20,439
What's his rush? Someone dropped
a Double-Decker wrapper?
6
00:00:20,440 --> 00:00:23,199
They have a higher level
of custodial power than you'd imagine.
7
00:00:23,200 --> 00:00:25,839
Oh. "Higher custodial power
than you'd imagine". Look at me.
8
00:00:25,840 --> 00:00:28,159
I'm the man on the Pringles tube.
9
00:00:28,160 --> 00:00:30,679
Hello, my name's Janet Street Porter!
10
00:00:30,680 --> 00:00:32,119
What are you doing?
11
00:00:32,120 --> 00:00:34,399
We're not doing impressions?
12
00:00:34,400 --> 00:00:36,799
Were you not doing a...?
OK.
13
00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:39,319
So what crimes is he actually
qualified to deal with?
14
00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:42,759
I don't know specifics. Anyway, this is
inane, like most things you talk about.
15
00:00:42,760 --> 00:00:45,879
No-one knows what police community
support officers are allowed to do.
16
00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:47,879
Ask big Dave Bowers. He's a copper.
17
00:00:47,880 --> 00:00:51,880
He's a butcher, Jo.
What's with the uniform, then?
18
00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:54,599
It'll be anarchy when this gets out.
19
00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:58,159
No. No, because no-one else is
wasting their life pondering nonsense.
20
00:00:58,160 --> 00:00:59,559
Oh, it's nonsense, is it? Right.
21
00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:02,439
Well, when we're in the pub tonight,
if there's any police about,
22
00:01:02,440 --> 00:01:06,079
I shall help myself to beer and
crisps, and if anyone questions me,
23
00:01:06,080 --> 00:01:08,999
I'll smack in the goof
with a pool cue, shall I, Brian?
24
00:01:09,000 --> 00:01:11,599
Fine. Thankfully,
I won't be there to see it.
25
00:01:11,600 --> 00:01:13,119
I'm not coming out this weekend.
26
00:01:13,120 --> 00:01:15,559
What do you mean? Julie's taking
the girls to her mum's.
27
00:01:15,560 --> 00:01:17,879
Got the place to myself.
It's Friday night, mate.
28
00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:19,279
It's the cider quiz. Sorry.
29
00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:21,119
I've got a weekend
of sheer bliss lined up.
30
00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:23,079
Going to have me some Brian time.
31
00:01:23,080 --> 00:01:24,279
Result!
32
00:01:24,280 --> 00:01:25,759
Bag of sausage.
33
00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:28,839
Hold on to your tits - he's not
coming to the cider quiz.
34
00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:30,199
Yeah, neither am I.
Oh, my God!
35
00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:33,159
Got the health and beauty conference,
I'm launching my new business -
36
00:01:33,160 --> 00:01:34,439
the PMT.
37
00:01:34,440 --> 00:01:36,119
Don't tell me. I'll worry.
38
00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:38,319
Don't leave me on my own
all weekend!
39
00:01:38,320 --> 00:01:41,080
I don't like downtime.
I don't like Brian time!
40
00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:44,919
COME OUT!
OI!
41
00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:48,920
I'll get Bob
if you're gonna muck about!
42
00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:50,999
Sir, you've got a class.
43
00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:53,319
Miss Lipsey said
to come and get you.
44
00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:55,319
Bugger off, you little grass.
Dan!
45
00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:59,320
Well...!
All right, I'm coming.
46
00:02:02,720 --> 00:02:05,719
Oh, my God!
47
00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:09,720
Dan's boss is tiny!
48
00:02:10,052 --> 00:02:34,927
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
49
00:02:46,120 --> 00:02:50,120
Jesus!
50
00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:52,159
Hello? Are you all right?
51
00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:54,039
Fuck off.
52
00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:55,879
Sorry?
You ran me over.
53
00:02:55,880 --> 00:02:58,839
Oh, no, I didn't.
You were already down.
54
00:02:58,840 --> 00:03:00,799
Liar!
Honestly, you were already down.
55
00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:03,159
You DID knock him down!
I saw it.
56
00:03:03,160 --> 00:03:05,559
What the fuck....?!
I'm a witness!
57
00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:09,560
You hit him. You will rot in prison
for this, you lanky, fat weirdo.
58
00:03:11,520 --> 00:03:13,199
Get up, Dad. Jesus...!
59
00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:15,599
Oh, villain!
60
00:03:15,600 --> 00:03:19,600
Villain!
Smiling, damned villain!
61
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:22,719
I can't wait to put you in a home!
62
00:03:22,720 --> 00:03:25,119
What a nasty boy.
63
00:03:25,120 --> 00:03:29,120
He must be punished.
64
00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:40,039
Shit, is it your birthday?
65
00:03:40,040 --> 00:03:42,759
Why would I be putting a banner up
for my own birthday?
66
00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:44,079
Dementia.
67
00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:45,799
It's your niece's birthday.
68
00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:47,919
She doesn't live here,
you ludicrous old goon.
69
00:03:47,920 --> 00:03:49,599
Your sister's here with Lucy.
70
00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:53,519
We're having a birthday party for
her and all her little friends tomorrow.
71
00:03:53,520 --> 00:03:55,359
Oh, no.
72
00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:57,759
Not children!
Not at the weekend!
73
00:03:57,760 --> 00:03:59,239
No, I won't allow it.
74
00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:01,079
They won't disturb you, don't worry.
75
00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:03,319
Your dad and I
have got it all organised.
76
00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:05,919
You mean the warped suicide gesture
in the road.
77
00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:07,599
No. Your dad.
78
00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:08,639
Right.
79
00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:11,959
Well, I'll have nothing to do with
the jamboree of screaming and piss.
80
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:13,799
You're not invited.
81
00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:17,479
We want the kids to have a safe
party.
82
00:04:17,480 --> 00:04:20,319
I could help.
83
00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:22,399
No! No, thank you, sweetheart.
84
00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:26,400
Hey, I'm not offering, but if I
wanted to, I could be of help.
85
00:04:26,640 --> 00:04:27,959
No!
86
00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:31,960
Oh, no!
87
00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:36,799
Uncle Dan!
88
00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:40,319
Oh, you horrible little scumbag,
I hate you.
89
00:04:40,320 --> 00:04:42,759
It's my birthday tomorrow,
we're having a party!
90
00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:44,519
I know. It's going to be rubbish.
91
00:04:44,520 --> 00:04:47,039
All right, sis?
Hello, Dan.
92
00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:48,159
You're rubbish! Lucy.
93
00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:51,119
You're rubbish, mate.
You can't even drive.
94
00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:52,279
She can't.
95
00:04:52,280 --> 00:04:54,199
Can we sing the poo song?
96
00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:56,839
No, you know I don't like that song.
97
00:04:56,840 --> 00:04:59,159
Oh.
Uh-oh.
98
00:04:59,160 --> 00:05:03,160
Ohhhh, the...
hippo was kicked out of the zoo
99
00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:05,999
Why?
100
00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:07,559
Because he did a massive poo
101
00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:08,639
Where?
102
00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:10,839
He pooed on a tiger,
he pooed on a mouse
103
00:05:10,840 --> 00:05:13,759
He even did a massive poo
in the penguin's mouth
104
00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:15,559
Uuuggh!
105
00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:17,799
Ohhhh, the penguin was angry
106
00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:19,800
And he spat the poo right out
107
00:05:22,320 --> 00:05:24,359
Yeah, thank you very much, Dan.
That will do.
108
00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:25,839
Lucy, go and get
your pyjamas on.
109
00:05:25,840 --> 00:05:28,799
I want to stay in here and play
with Uncle Dan. Get going.
110
00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:31,199
We can play at the party tomorrow,
you idiot.
111
00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:34,719
We can't.
Mum says you're not invited.
112
00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:37,479
You know I hate that song.
Hang on a minute.
113
00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:40,759
What does she mean I'm not invited?
I thought mum was joking.
114
00:05:40,760 --> 00:05:42,359
I wasn't.
115
00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:43,919
I'm not invited? Why not?
116
00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:45,679
Don't make me spell it out, Dan.
117
00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:48,039
You, and a roomful of other people's
kids,
118
00:05:48,040 --> 00:05:50,759
singing about animals shitting
in each other's mouths.
119
00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:51,919
I don't think so.
120
00:05:51,920 --> 00:05:54,639
No, thank you!
121
00:05:54,640 --> 00:05:57,439
Oh, I suppose that lunatic's
invited though, is he?
122
00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:59,399
Dad's doing a little show
for the kiddies.
123
00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:01,439
Now, what's happening with you
and Naomi?
124
00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:03,519
Why do people keep asking me this?
125
00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:06,959
She's gone. Dan... But she's such
a lovely girl.
126
00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:09,719
She is an angel.
Oh, reel it in, old woman!
127
00:06:09,720 --> 00:06:11,759
I worry about you, that's all.
128
00:06:11,760 --> 00:06:13,879
I mean, you're a nice enough bloke,
129
00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:16,199
but I think you're going
to die alone.
130
00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:18,479
I'm a nice enough bloke, am I?
131
00:06:18,480 --> 00:06:21,159
Would a nice-enough-bloke do this?
132
00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:22,239
Daniel!
133
00:06:22,240 --> 00:06:24,839
That's Lucy's favourite dolly.
134
00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:28,840
Mummy!
135
00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:31,079
You know, it's nice to be needed.
136
00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:32,319
It's a good feeling.
137
00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:34,359
That little girl trusts me
absolutely.
138
00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:38,360
Who needs you, Daniel?
139
00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:42,479
This old prune, for a start.
140
00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:46,079
Ladies and gentlemen,
the personal make over tent.
141
00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:48,479
A one-off grooming solution.
142
00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:52,480
Care for a free consultancy?
143
00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:57,560
Care for a free consultancy?
Anyone?
144
00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:08,959
Hi, can speak to Naomi, please?
145
00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:11,159
It's a friend.
146
00:07:11,160 --> 00:07:15,160
No, I won't take part
in a vetting process.
147
00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:17,719
Yes, I can prove it.
148
00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:19,919
She got a horrible mole like
a shrunken child's face
149
00:07:19,920 --> 00:07:21,559
just inside her bikini line.
150
00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:25,560
Yeah. Yes. Happy?
151
00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:27,279
Yeah, I'll leave a message.
152
00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:30,759
It's her dad. I've had a fall!
153
00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:34,119
Ooooh!
154
00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:35,799
Oh, fucking hell.
155
00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:37,919
You can't resist calling, can you?
156
00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:40,399
I was just ringing to ask
if she thought I was trustworthy.
157
00:07:40,400 --> 00:07:43,439
What's wrong with that?
You could've asked her yourself.
158
00:07:43,440 --> 00:07:45,039
To marry you.
159
00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:49,040
What do you mean?
He doesn't know, does he?
160
00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:52,119
No.
What don't I know?
161
00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:54,879
Naomi's coming to the party.
162
00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:56,720
Lucy's party?!
163
00:07:57,920 --> 00:07:59,679
They've invited her?!
164
00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:03,680
I don't fucking believe this!
165
00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:06,999
Now, I can see straightaway
some basics we can deal with
166
00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:11,000
before we deal with the overall look.
Well, I'm not sure I even want...
167
00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:16,039
That has completely redefined
your cheekbones.
168
00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:17,479
Oh, listen, I...
169
00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:19,999
You've got a little bit of mono-brow
going on.
170
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:22,799
However, if we take a bit of weight
out of the central growth
171
00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:24,959
it'll help the shape of your face.
I think I sho...
172
00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:26,599
I've got something from Mexico.
173
00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:30,600
A product that'll sort
the whole section out.
174
00:08:35,520 --> 00:08:39,520
Holy mother of fuck!
175
00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:55,600
Thank you. Have a good evening,
madam. Thank you. Thank you, madam.
176
00:08:57,280 --> 00:08:58,319
That must be nice.
177
00:08:58,320 --> 00:08:59,479
Beg pardon, sir?
178
00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:00,839
To be trusted.
179
00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:03,439
All part of the job, sir.
180
00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:05,119
Oh. You're not a real one.
181
00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:09,120
We were talking about you, earlier.
182
00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:11,679
Sir, could you move along, please?
I'm trying to do my job.
183
00:09:11,680 --> 00:09:13,519
Is it like a hobby for you?
184
00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:16,719
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah...
185
00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:18,759
Here we go! Another joker!
I was only asking.
186
00:09:18,760 --> 00:09:19,919
No, I am not full-time,
187
00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:22,399
I do not have the same arrest powers
- is that what you want?!
188
00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:24,879
I'm just giving something back.
I'm fucking sick of this!
189
00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:27,319
No, no, I think you do great work.
I was just wondering.
190
00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:30,999
Wondering what? If I do this as my
social life? Yeah, I do. Happy?
191
00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:33,399
You look good.
You look like a real policeman.
192
00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:34,959
Fucking am a real policeman!
193
00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:36,679
What do you think that is -
Scotch mist?
194
00:09:36,680 --> 00:09:38,439
I'll radio the fucking station,
shall I?
195
00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:40,039
Get a fucking Black Maria
down here.
196
00:09:40,040 --> 00:09:41,999
Then we'll see who's part-time,
shall we?
197
00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:44,439
Get a fucking dog team down here.
Is that what you want?!
198
00:09:44,440 --> 00:09:46,599
Get bitten by a massive fucking dog!
199
00:09:46,600 --> 00:09:47,999
I'm really sorry...!
200
00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:50,959
Just fuck off out of here.
I'm sick of this shit!
201
00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:53,639
Y'all right, Tony?
Leave it!
202
00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:56,359
What are you doing?!
They're just eyebrows.
203
00:09:56,360 --> 00:10:00,360
I've got my cream here,
let me sort it out.
204
00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:05,640
Fucking...
205
00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:12,294
Pub. Pub.
206
00:10:33,365 --> 00:10:37,365
What has happened here? He sleeps!
207
00:10:40,837 --> 00:10:45,837
We are such stuff as dreams are made
of and our little life is
208
00:10:45,882 --> 00:10:49,882
rounded with the sleep. Shall
we wake him? Why ever not. But how?
209
00:10:55,362 --> 00:10:59,362
A gentle shake? No, no, no. No.
210
00:11:06,802 --> 00:11:09,761
..the fuck is there now?
211
00:11:09,762 --> 00:11:13,762
Morning, Daniel. Time to get up.
212
00:11:36,842 --> 00:11:40,842
Oh! Here's a sight for sore eyes.
Hello, Jo. How was the cider quiz?
213
00:11:43,522 --> 00:11:46,161
We came last.
We just bought a shitload.
214
00:11:46,162 --> 00:11:49,881
Lucy, do you remember Auntie Joan?
No. Do you want to come to my party?
215
00:11:49,882 --> 00:11:53,601
No, she doesn't and while we're on
the subject, who invited Naomi?
216
00:11:53,602 --> 00:11:57,602
Naomi is my family. I am family!
She dumped me. Yay! Naomi. Judas!
217
00:12:02,242 --> 00:12:06,242
I like your head. "I like your head?"
I don't know how to speak to them.
218
00:12:07,282 --> 00:12:10,321
It's very nice to see you two
but you'll need to go out soon.
219
00:12:10,322 --> 00:12:14,322
The kiddies will be arriving. So are
you serious? I can't actually stay?
220
00:12:15,122 --> 00:12:19,122
Correct. Oh, come on.
Let me do something. Please. Well...
221
00:12:20,802 --> 00:12:24,802
We do need the cake collecting. No
way. Can I go? Absolutely not. Wait.
222
00:12:26,682 --> 00:12:30,682
Please let me get the cake.
I really need this, Daisy.
223
00:12:34,922 --> 00:12:37,481
Go on, then.
Go and get your shoes, Lucy. Yay!
224
00:12:37,482 --> 00:12:40,481
I'll go and get a booster seat.
225
00:12:40,482 --> 00:12:44,482
So, what do you like, Lucy?
I like ponies.
226
00:12:45,562 --> 00:12:49,562
Wicked! I used to have a horse.
What? Did you? Really?
227
00:12:51,602 --> 00:12:54,961
A horse of your own?
Did you ride him?
228
00:12:54,962 --> 00:12:58,962
I tried but he went mental in the
winds. We had to knacker him for glue.
229
00:12:59,242 --> 00:13:03,242
Jo! Sorry, sorry.
230
00:13:04,042 --> 00:13:08,042
My dad had to kill him because he was
bad in the head. No!
231
00:13:11,842 --> 00:13:15,842
Auntie Jo is joking, Lucy. The horse
is fine. I'm not. I'm not joking.
232
00:13:17,562 --> 00:13:19,921
My dad had to hit him
twice before he went down.
233
00:13:19,922 --> 00:13:23,922
He bit me in the tit once.
234
00:13:24,082 --> 00:13:28,082
Good. Er...
235
00:13:29,362 --> 00:13:33,362
My cake! Look at the size
of this. It's ridiculous.
236
00:13:33,522 --> 00:13:37,682
Aw, it reminds me of Duncan. Duncan
the horse? Yeah. Open the back door. I'm going to put this onthe seat.
237
00:13:38,602 --> 00:13:41,441
There's shitloads of unopened letters
in there. Fucking bin them.
238
00:13:41,442 --> 00:13:44,041
This weighs a tonne. Oh, OK.
239
00:13:44,042 --> 00:13:47,561
It's ridiculous. Absolute madness.
How many kids is she having to this party?
240
00:13:47,562 --> 00:13:51,562
Uncle Dan, that's Naomi. What?
241
00:13:53,882 --> 00:13:56,321
Oh!
242
00:13:56,322 --> 00:13:59,801
Oh, this is perfect.
243
00:13:59,802 --> 00:14:01,761
Naomi!
244
00:14:01,762 --> 00:14:03,681
Naomi!
245
00:14:03,682 --> 00:14:06,121
Naomi! Dan!
246
00:14:06,122 --> 00:14:09,961
Did you ring my office yesterday?
247
00:14:09,962 --> 00:14:12,321
No. Look, the child.
248
00:14:12,322 --> 00:14:16,322
Yes, I can see that.
Happy birthday, Lucy!
249
00:14:16,522 --> 00:14:18,161
Are you coming to my party?
250
00:14:18,162 --> 00:14:22,162
They've let me come down to pick up
the cake. Right. Yes, I am.
251
00:14:22,842 --> 00:14:26,842
Looks like I'm pretty trustworthy,
eh? The actual birthday child.
252
00:14:27,162 --> 00:14:30,521
We've already picked up the cake.
It's gone beautifully.
253
00:14:30,522 --> 00:14:32,281
See you at the party!
254
00:14:32,282 --> 00:14:35,481
No, you can't!
You can't take it! You can't take it!
255
00:14:35,482 --> 00:14:36,561
No! Oh, God!
256
00:14:36,562 --> 00:14:40,562
Lucy, you just stay there, OK? Lucy.
Stay right there, OK?
257
00:14:41,122 --> 00:14:44,081
No! You can't, you can't take it!
You can't take our car!
258
00:14:44,082 --> 00:14:48,082
No! Joe, what the fuck?
Dan, they've taken Duncan!
259
00:14:54,802 --> 00:14:58,802
They've taken him to the car pound!
I tried to tell them to stop. I tried to get them...
260
00:14:58,962 --> 00:15:01,041
Jo, what the fuck?
I couldn't stop them, Dan.
261
00:15:01,042 --> 00:15:05,042
I said, stop! Don't do it! I couldn't
make them stop! Calm down. Calm down.
262
00:15:06,162 --> 00:15:08,041
Breathe. Breathe. Right.
263
00:15:08,042 --> 00:15:11,361
Now why did you let them take it?
They said the car wasn't insured.
264
00:15:11,362 --> 00:15:13,161
They did a random check on the
computer.
265
00:15:13,162 --> 00:15:16,081
They didn't do a check on the
computer. I would have had a letter.
266
00:15:16,082 --> 00:15:20,082
Have you lost my cake? What are we
going to do? They're going to destroy him! No! It's all right.
267
00:15:24,442 --> 00:15:28,442
Auntie Jo is confusing your cake
for a horse called Duncan.
268
00:15:28,562 --> 00:15:32,562
We've got to get him back. Poor
Duncan! The car pound is miles away.
269
00:15:32,922 --> 00:15:35,241
How are we going to get there?
270
00:15:35,242 --> 00:15:39,322
You couldn't do it, could you?
You couldn't just let me be for just one day. Mate, this is an emergency.
271
00:15:40,322 --> 00:15:43,321
Caused by you.
I never need YOUR help, do I?
272
00:15:43,322 --> 00:15:45,361
It's always this way around.
273
00:15:45,362 --> 00:15:49,362
How is any of this my fault?
I didn't know I wasn't insured.
274
00:15:52,362 --> 00:15:55,961
You always know!
You MUST always know.
275
00:15:55,962 --> 00:15:59,962
You set up a direct debit and you
monitor it. You get a bank statement and you check it.
276
00:16:00,122 --> 00:16:04,162
You put a note in your diary. You
cross reference. You get your bank to send you confirmation which you
277
00:16:04,362 --> 00:16:07,201
put in a drawer. Check that drawer
on a monthly basis.
278
00:16:07,202 --> 00:16:11,322
Put your statements in a folder in
that drawer. Check your outgoings. Make sure that they are consistent.
279
00:16:11,762 --> 00:16:15,561
Never presume that your direct debit
is more important to someone else than it is to you.
280
00:16:15,562 --> 00:16:19,562
Protect your earnings, check your cover, you
never, ever, ever, ever get caught out!
281
00:16:30,242 --> 00:16:33,441
Don't get upset.
282
00:16:33,442 --> 00:16:37,442
You're right. Pathetic.
283
00:16:38,282 --> 00:16:41,361
You're not pathetic.
284
00:16:41,362 --> 00:16:44,201
Remember at school, we were all
getting bullied by Andrew Tate.
285
00:16:44,202 --> 00:16:46,561
No-one would stand up to him
but you had a fight with him,
286
00:16:46,562 --> 00:16:47,921
didn't you? Yeah, but...
287
00:16:47,922 --> 00:16:51,241
Sure, you remember that fight you
had with Andrew Tate. Yeah.
288
00:16:51,242 --> 00:16:54,121
I remember you training for that
fight. Running up all those steps.
289
00:16:54,122 --> 00:16:56,561
Eating raw eggs,
punching frozen meat.
290
00:16:56,562 --> 00:17:00,562
And you kept shouting "Adrian,
Adrian!" Get back in the car.
291
00:17:03,242 --> 00:17:07,242
No-one would stand up to him
but you did. Yeah. Yeah, I did.
292
00:17:10,682 --> 00:17:13,561
Then he beat the shit
out of me, didn't he, Brian?
293
00:17:13,562 --> 00:17:17,562
And then every day for a month,
he came around and he shat on my mum's lawn, do you remember?
294
00:17:17,642 --> 00:17:20,321
Mum had to call the police
in the end and then they made ME
295
00:17:20,322 --> 00:17:22,641
see a social worker.
They said I caused it all.
296
00:17:22,642 --> 00:17:25,441
Then of course, eventually
Andrew Tate got put into a home.
297
00:17:25,442 --> 00:17:28,761
And his mum had a breakdown.
We would see her, do you remember?
298
00:17:28,762 --> 00:17:32,762
Walking around the town with that
shopping trolley full of soil, shouting "Who likes my cocoa powder?
299
00:17:33,562 --> 00:17:36,721
"Who wants to see my cocoa powder?"
300
00:17:36,722 --> 00:17:39,281
It was awful, Brian.
301
00:17:39,282 --> 00:17:43,282
It was awful.
302
00:17:45,362 --> 00:17:49,362
OK. Bad example.
303
00:17:57,762 --> 00:18:01,762
Right. Let's get going, shall we?
304
00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:19,762
Oh, it's you. Yes, me, sir. The
Supervising Officer. The last word.
305
00:18:20,682 --> 00:18:24,682
The buck. Right. What is it? ?200?
Here you are. First things first, sir.
306
00:18:26,042 --> 00:18:29,641
ID, please. You know who I am.
You saw me last night.
307
00:18:29,642 --> 00:18:33,642
I've never seen you before in my life. Just
give him your driving licence, then. Here.
308
00:18:35,602 --> 00:18:39,602
And can you confirm your address?
Chislehurst Crescent. Oh, dear.
309
00:18:40,882 --> 00:18:43,921
Looks like someone's forgot to
inform us of their change of address,
310
00:18:43,922 --> 00:18:47,321
making this invalid. You've been
back at your mum's for six years.
311
00:18:47,322 --> 00:18:50,681
It's got my photograph on it.
But not your address.
312
00:18:50,682 --> 00:18:54,682
So it looks like my authority
isn't in doubt to-fucking-day, is it?
313
00:18:55,642 --> 00:18:59,361
You don't wear a lot of make-up.
Are you going for the natural look?
314
00:18:59,362 --> 00:19:01,881
I'm not allowed make-up.
It's your birthday.
315
00:19:01,882 --> 00:19:05,882
A little make over wouldn't hurt.
What's make over? What's...
316
00:19:06,042 --> 00:19:08,521
I'll get my stuff!
317
00:19:08,522 --> 00:19:10,041
Well, I'm not an unreasonable man.
318
00:19:10,042 --> 00:19:14,042
I'll settle for a car logbook and,
um... A utility bill.
319
00:19:17,122 --> 00:19:20,521
A utility bill? Why would
I have a utility bill on me?
320
00:19:20,522 --> 00:19:24,522
This isn't my house. I'm not
a fucking snail. No ID, no car.
321
00:19:25,162 --> 00:19:27,961
All right. Just show me where it is
so I can get my pony cake out of it.
322
00:19:27,962 --> 00:19:31,962
I'm hardly going to let a complete
stranger remove a pony cake from a car that might not be his, am I?
323
00:19:32,082 --> 00:19:35,361
I really need this, mate. And I need
order and people obeying the law!
324
00:19:35,362 --> 00:19:38,961
If you don't mind me saying, I think
you are being a bit unreasonable. Unreasonable?
325
00:19:38,962 --> 00:19:41,962
Do you want to fucking see
unreasonable?
326
00:20:03,042 --> 00:20:07,042
Well, it's over. Let's go back
and face the music. I've failed.
327
00:20:07,362 --> 00:20:10,281
I've proved them right again.
It's only a cake, Dan.
328
00:20:10,282 --> 00:20:14,121
Start with the big picture. No-one
is going to judge you for a cake.
329
00:20:14,122 --> 00:20:15,602
Holy mother of fuck!
330
00:20:19,882 --> 00:20:23,882
I thought it was a one-off.
They're all faulty.
331
00:20:24,002 --> 00:20:28,002
We need to get that fucking cake.
332
00:20:33,802 --> 00:20:37,802
Why? Dan, stop that. Get in the
Scenic. You, draw her eyebrows back.
333
00:20:41,642 --> 00:20:45,641
Brian?
334
00:20:45,642 --> 00:20:47,762
Get in the Scenic.
335
00:21:10,962 --> 00:21:14,081
I don't understand. Why do you
want your car in the pound?
336
00:21:14,082 --> 00:21:18,082
Where's Uncle Dan? Because unlike
Dan, I had the requisite household bill.
337
00:21:20,802 --> 00:21:24,802
I always carry one, just in case.
338
00:21:25,322 --> 00:21:27,241
I don't get it.
339
00:21:27,242 --> 00:21:30,561
So all we need while I go and deal
with the formalities of getting
340
00:21:30,562 --> 00:21:34,562
MY car is someone on the inside to
recover the cake from Dan's car.
341
00:21:36,402 --> 00:21:37,882
Behold.
342
00:21:39,922 --> 00:21:43,922
The Trojan Horse.
343
00:22:05,802 --> 00:22:09,801
Where the hell is he? There's loads
of cars in here. He must be lost.
344
00:22:09,802 --> 00:22:13,162
There he is. He's got my cake.
345
00:22:44,962 --> 00:22:48,841
Seize him, Tyson!
346
00:22:48,842 --> 00:22:52,001
Oh! Oh, God!
347
00:22:52,002 --> 00:22:56,002
Duncan! No!
348
00:22:58,202 --> 00:22:59,801
Oh, God!
349
00:22:59,802 --> 00:23:03,401
Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck!
350
00:23:03,402 --> 00:23:06,121
The cake, the pony!
351
00:23:06,122 --> 00:23:09,121
Brian!
352
00:23:09,122 --> 00:23:12,961
Argh! Shit! Shit, shit, shit!
353
00:23:12,962 --> 00:23:16,962
Oh, the head!
354
00:23:35,682 --> 00:24:00,960
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